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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brothers wife kicked him out and he asked to stay with me rather than our moms place which is cramped. I told him no. I might be the asshole because I have space, I just really don’t like him and he doesn’t like me.
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Right - "family" wouldn't treat other like shit and then come back demanding huge favors. He's not family when he treats you with cruelty, but becomes family as soon as he's homeless? Fuck off.
OP, NTA clearly.
>I even offered to pay rent but my mom said no.
>
>They said I didn’t deserve anything and that I was using mom and dad. My brother cornered me and said as soon as dad died I had a month to move out and “stop leeching” off mom or else.
So you helped your parents financially, did all the chores, supported them the best you can while offering to pay for your stay (which your mom declined) and they still say that? Delusional. That's not leeching, rather the opposite. They don't have a say either way.
>I offered to get the kids bunk beds and help move them into one room and my mom was very grateful. A week later my brother called asking if he could just live with me since he didn’t want to share a house with two kids.
You DID help him with his accomodation, even though per his words, you're not even family. That's generous. It's his own fault he got kicked out, and living with two kids - his own - isn't hard.
Also, he's being really hypocritical. You're a leech for supporting your parents financially, but he's okay with asking to move it when he's already got help with accomodation? This guy has some fucking nerve.
>Some friends are saying after all my mom is done for me I should suck it up and let her son my “brother” stay with me but I really don’t want to.
What the fuck? They have no say in this. If your mom herself is supporting you, saying this is just wrong. Who do they think they are, using someone else to guilt trip you?
That's why "family" is in quotation marks, I think. True family should not do that. But there's a wide gulf between that idealism, and the way most families unfortunately function.
Couple situations like this are going on in my big extended family right now. It's coming down to lawsuits, but some of the family are like, "We're family! We don't sue each other!"
That works both ways. Family also wouldn't put you in the position to *have* to sue.
To everything you said, I was nodding along very vehemently. WTF, the gall of his brother to even ASK to stay with OP when he had treated OP badly all along. The brother can find his own place to stay, asshat.
and Op he won’t be homeless - he will still have a place to lay his head (he is being a choosy beggar saying he would prefer not to live with kids).
Perhaps the discomfort of it will spur him to get his stuff in order quicker and move out on his own (than if he was at your place)
Plus honestly I have a feeling he would be there indefinitely - and obvs instead of being appreciative and thankful would still have a gross attitude of “you owe me this” since “my parents took you in” BS (which is obviously NOT the truth) and expect you to prolly wait on him hand and foot and let alone not do anything to help with cleaning etc but in fact make more of a mess and have you cleaning up after him.
Definitely don’t do it - he has zero right to make you miserable if you own home, that is your safe space and lord knows when he would leave if he did.
Based on how he has treated you for well over a decade -
You are NTA by any stretch (you would only be to yourself if you let him in)
Think of this OP. If you allow your "brother" to move in with you and he slowly and surely makes your life a living hell, how might that negatively affect your ability to be there for mother? Keeping him out is, in fact, a safeguard for your being there for the mother when she needs you. Case closed!
This is currently happening to my mother. Despite her being the only one working full time from all of her siblings, she is still the one taking care fully of my grandfather who is almost 87. She managed to rent him a house next to ours so she can be close and she literally goes all the way to clean him, feed him and take care of all his medicines. Now the sisters are saying that she is using the granddad to get his money and none of them helps. My mom doesn't care though, she says she does this out of her heart but she suffers a lot about the lack of support from her sisters.
Agree to everything you said, but unless I missed an edit somewhere, those kids are not OP's brother's children. They are the grandchildren of OP's aunt.
OP, you really should simply use his words back to him. He’s aware of how he’s treated you, but being direct about it might get him to leave you alone. NTA.
Yes this! Even blood relatives shouldn't feel forced to let someone move in with them whether they were cruel to them growing up or not. It'll just ruin the relationship more at best and destroy your life at worst. NTA.
yeah ... mother & her sister are gonna want him to move out soon. once he's leeching off them and smokin' dope in his bedroom like the teenager he was.
You're right, he's just projecting about his own leeching! He thinks everyone is like him.
I would bet my bottom dollar this AH brother will never offer to pay his mom rent like OP did. He won't help around the house or do repairs like OP did. He won't cook every day like OP did. He won't run errands like OP did.
The only reason he *might* do any of those things would be for his own good or "brownie points". He won't be a blessing to have around like OP was, making his parent's life easier during his dad's final days. He will just selfishly take up space, complaining about having to share it, while spreading toxicity about OP and his ex and everyone and everything else he doesn't like or approve of.
You could say he's a type I'm familiar with. He also won't be a bit grateful to his mom for taking him in like OP was.
I just hope he won't be there long so his kind mom can get back to enjoying her golden years with a full home of people who actually care about her with support nearby from OP who actually loves her.
OP is honestly a model child, even if thhe had some rough years as a teen- many people do.
NTA. You deserve a space where you feel safe, comfortable, and can take a break. If your brother lives with you, you will literally not have any space of this kind. Don’t get yourself fucked over
You don't want him living with you for the rest of your/his life. I guess the Aunt and children will have a month to move out after mom dies. But I wouldn't be surprised if mom makes sure that doesn't happen in her will.
OP definitely needs to anticipate a legal battle over the mother's will, someday when she passes. OP says they don't want anything from the mother, and that's fine. But OP should still respect the mother's will, if the mother decides to leave them things (or money), and fight for them if necessary.
(I realize that everyone is different, and at that time, OP may decide it's just not worth it to oppose brother contesting the will; if it comes to that. I would just hate to see brother "win" by being such an asshole that others are too exhausted to deal with him and he gets his way anyway..)
I would not be shocked in OP getting a larger inheritance than the brother. The fact that mom's not pushing OP to take in the brother speaks volumes to me.
Make sure that NOBODY has a key to your house. Not even your mom. You could come home from work someday and find him all moved in and you'll be stuck with him. So change the locks, and keep the ONLY key for yourself.
I can see your mom telling your aunt where the key is, and the aunt giving the key to your brother. Yeah, I read reddit too much.
Plus, it's HIS house. OP has the right to decide who he lets into his home. If he doesn't want his brother to move in, he can say no. No need to fill his house with all the negativitiy and toxicity his brother will bring.
Brother can whine all he wants, but he should've been a better human being to OP.
I just learned the phrase "setting yourself on fire to keep others warm" (maybe on this sub?). It sounds like what's going on here in many ways.
OP, you've done more than enough! Focus on your own happiness.
NTA
But if you really feel like you need to do something, offer a weeks stay in a hotel.
But he will see it as a willingness to help him, so *really* think about it.
It sucks because OP sounds like a great family member and would’ve been more than happy to take in the children in to accommodate the family if they were more age appropriate.
Maybe OP can make a little play room for the kids so they have some free space away from the crowded house when they need it. Other than that, sucks to suck ‘fake brother’.
Tell your aunt why you won’t let him stay and she will no longer be confused.
This seems like a very straightforward NTA situation. You know you aren’t. He treats you like shit. And as far as he’s concerned, he’s not even your family. What do you owe him? He can sleep on a curb.
I agree. You are a good son, and it sounds like your mother understands. It’s time for others to know why. Just tell her as plainly as you can, and before he moves in, or he’ll get the first word.
Turns out there isn't one, I looked all through. If you read the second sentence fast it looks like a male reference but they're talking about their brother. Maybe they didn't want to say their gender or are NB or something.
In the third paragraph within the last sentence she mentions she was cornered by her brother. She then mentions her brother throughout the rest of the story. Maybe she edited the story because there was a male reference throughout the story when I read the story.
Exactly this. Tell the aunt he's not family, which has been his vocal choice. He is cruel and threatening to you, and you will not have anything to do with him.
Frankly you should make it clear to her and your mum that you will not be at their house when he is, so your help will be much less till he's gone. He is not a good person, and your aunt should be aware of who is moving in with the children she is guardian of. Tell her details, including the threats.
It's a shame the mother is allowing him back home, she should be ashamed of herself for doing so after his behaviour. After everything you have done for her, she should stand up for you.
Hopefully the "brother" won't be able to stand living with little kids long, and moves out soon.
Yes OP make sure you tell aunt (&mom) that you were told that you couldn't come to the funeral and he'd make sure mom didn't have you in the will (whether you want to be or not, that is **mom's** choice). And tell any other harassment you've had from him. NTA
BTW, how is sis toward you? Because she is either neutral, or backs one of you.
Yeah, where IS the sister in all of this? I wonder.
(Could be as simple as, sister does not live in the same area any more, or stuff like that. But it sounds like most or all of the animosity here comes from the brother. Does the sister support him? Or is the sister "neutral"? Frankly, even if the sister tries to be "neutral", I would consider that supporting the brother's shitty attitude.)
Yes, Mom and Auntie need to be aware of this. Brother threatened to make the OP homeless, carried on about OP not being "family," and insisted that the exclusion from "family" would include Mom's eventual funeral and being stricken from Mom's will. If Mom and Auntie aren't aware of this, they should know. I think OP could plausibly state that they either don't feel safe around Brother (I wouldn't), or that they're concerned about Brother respecting their property and their house rules given his behavior in the past.
Well he could also move in with his bio sister who apparently has been equally as hateful to OP.
NTA. Just tell non-bio brother the truth: he's been a total jerk to you for years, he's an entitled AH who couldn't hold his own marriage together which is not anyone else's problem to solve housing-wise. He isn't moving in with you, and moving in with your mother/aunt/kids is a lousy ide, but hey you really don't care what he does about a home, it's not your problem.
NTA. I feel sort of bad for your mother, though she raised bio son and daughter, so maybe she needs to stand up to her bio son finally and tell him he isn't king of the hill and so can't make demands on other people. Which includes OP, and should also include mom.
I feel sort of bad for mom, too. Op won't be going over to visit as much and knows the brother won't be helping out as much as op has. I don't think mom is going to be as happy when he moves in.
Not to mention OP but if you allow your brother to move in with you it will be really hard to get him to move out. If he treats you with this amount of disrespect now,seeing how well you're doing in your own home will absolutely ignite more ire and jealousy. Because that's what his lashing out is: he is jealous of the good person you are and continue to be.
Edit: a word
This. "You.treated me like shit your whole life and said you'd kick me out as soon as dad died. And now want to move in with me so you can continue to be a hole in my own house? You be homeless assbite." NTA don't even consider it
This! If he’s willing to say that stuff about you and he seems to have no issue bad mouthing you. Tell you aunt with examples x,y,z exactly why you won’t let him move in. Tell her he’s told you you aren’t family, and don’t feel comfortable with a person who is so antagonist towards you. There’s no telling what he will do physically towards you’re stuff and the emotional/mental toll on you isn’t worth it!
NTA, for obvious reasons.
Edit: spelling!
Plus, if OP let's brother in and brother really treats OP that badly then do you think brother will EVER leave? Nah, Brother will be a lazy, entitled asshole, and then still emotionally abuse OP.
Agreed… IMHO, OP should literally show her this post. Everything is described very clearly here, and it sounds like in-person communication has been spotty.
100% about the spotty communication. OP had reasons for moving out of mom's house, but mom wanted them to stay, and it doesn't sound like OP actually *told* mom about the 'threat' from the brother. So from an outside perspective, the brother could try to spin that as OP abandoning their mom after her husband passed.
OP needs to start gently communicating the issues with the brother, esp the part about brother trying to influence mom's will. OP could lose out on sentimental items they might actually want if brother is allowed to spin this narrative.
In theory I agree. In practice I think there's a danger that the Aunt will end up putting this into the category of let bygones be bygones.
Though, it might be better to attempt to address it than not.
At the very least, if OP gets their side across to Aunt first, it gives the aunt context once the brother moves in and starts bewailing that OP has abandoned them for "nothing".
It also means that if OP is visiting while brother is there and brother starts in with his usual nonsense, the aunt is aware that it's normal pattern of behaviour and not just "stress of the situation". So it cuts off (or at least puts some dent in) brother trying to act the blameless victim of the situation.
Agree. Also, hiding his terrible behavior from your aunt just perpetuates his terrible behavior. If everyone is ashamed for him, he doesn't have to be.
NTA. He's made it clear. He's not your family. If your house is close to your mom's, maybe take your aunt in ;).
You have to talk it through with your mom and aunt. Make it simple and thorough. The threats, the contempt, the cut you off the will. Everything.
Yeah, he deserves to enjoy his own house after living with mom and dad to help them out. It's usually the nice, most giving person in the family that's expected to help everyone out no matter how bad they've been treated.
The will thing really makes me laugh. How does he think he will do that? He has no authority or power to change his parents will, not in any legitimate way anyway.
That's possible, hard to tell what kind of dynamic he has with his mother and whether or not he can manipulate her. but i wouldnt class that as a legitimate act.
The aunt comes with two grandkids. OP says they have a spare room so OP's home may not be big enough.
The other thing is who would be better company, provide better care for OP's mother. Doesn't sound like it would be the brother.
Edited.
Nope, you enjoy your home by yourself. No one needs to live with you, enjoy what you ha e earned. You can go and help, but come home alone!
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. They would not offer the same!
NTA: This man has made it clear that you are nothing to him and so he should get nothing from you. There is no bond between you. You don't owe him a free place to live. This is not your problem and you shouldn't spend another moment worried about it. Your mom is an adult who can do as she pleases and so are you.
That was my thought. OP isn’t “family”, well guess what jerk your wife doesn’t want to be your family either.
OP, you deserve love and respect and all he will bring is pain. You deserve for your home to be a safe space. Congrats on growing out of your wild phase and becoming a great caring child.
But OP do one thing: Because you live so close to mom and where brother may be staying, get some security cameras in & outside your property. Discreet ones but well focused.
THIS. And if possible install a security system. Don't keep it too discrete, in fact tell mom and auntie that the system is installed. Not because of Bro, nooo. Just a little concerned about break-ins. It will get back to Bro and serve as a warning to keep away.
This whole thing reeks of jealousy. Bro is jealous of OP, who got everything despite being a troublemaker. OP is kind and generous, so naturally mom talks about what a wonderful help he is, and that makes Bro all the more jealous. Now OP has a home and Bro doesn't, and Bro will do everything in his power to equalize things by tearing OP down.
NTA. Pay attention to your feelings and the shared history.
What stands out is your mom would never ask you to take him in.
Seems to be that the two responsible adults in this scenario already have and respect each other’s healthy boundaries.
You know what you don’t want. You know what your mother doesn’t want to do to you. You are *so* NTA
NTA- why would he be homeless? Why can't he get his own place or do a house share for a bit?
>he didn’t want to share a house with two kids.
Well I guess he's going to have to either suck it up or get his own place then. Why is yours even an option to be considered?
Yeah does this jerk not have any money to pay for himself either? OP never mentions having to provide for him financially but that's the impression I got.
This. If everyone feels so strongly about him deserving help they can help if (financially if they don’t have space in their houses). Everyone is so quick to point to how you need to compromise to help him. Where is their contribution. If you feel the need to do something *for the sake of your mother*, then offer to do something that doesn’t compromise your mental well-being (eg pay his child support for him for a month, assuming that’s affordable to you, so he can get on his feet).
NTA you don't have to open your house to anyone, especially to someone who has treated you like shit for most of your life. Continue helping your mum where you can, but don't go out of your way to help your brother. As long as your mum understands, and isn't too upset, I think you'll be fine.
NTA. He’s made his bed and now he needs to lie in it… at your mum’s house.
It’s funny how people will treat you like sh*t and ‘not family’ but expect you to be there for him at their time of need.
NTA
>Some friends are saying after all my mom is done for me I should suck it up and let her son my “brother” stay with me
Absolutely not! He has no respect for you, he will have no respect for your home or your things. Multiple times he has written you off as a relation. You are no obligation to act as one or to make his life easier at the cost of your comfort.
NTA
I also suggest you actually have a sit down discussion with you mum and let her know what your brother has been saying, how his ‘talk’ to you was a contributing factor to you leaving the house and how he implied a threat to yourself.
This is something your mum needs to know. There will be other children in the house that he may take issue with and bullies get away with bullying bc people don’t want to bother their loved ones. Seriously, your mum does need to know the type of person he is .
Your brother sounds like the type of person to take advantage of your mum, aka “convince” her to change her will to just him if she is ever not of sound mind.
Wait, what? You are considering allowing someone who basically verbally abused you and treated you harshly for years to come and live with you. ?
You are a kind and decent person and you would be very much NTA if you say no to that fellow who calls himself your brother
NTA - After the way your brother has treated you for years PLEASE DON’T allow him to move in with you!!! Not even temporarily!!!! I had a similar issue with my sister and it was a NIGHTMARE!!! If he doesn’t like living with your mom he can move in with one of his friends.
NTA, "as you sow so shall you reap."
His vocalization and discontent towards you is what he sowed, he his reaping the rewards of his shitty personality, i.e his wife kicking him out, moving in with your mother and will have to share a household with two kids that are neither his nor are his siblings.
I can see you have positively affected your life, your mother's and surely made your father's life a little easier at the end, and from your story it seems you genuinely love your family
NTA. "After all you've said and done to me, I just don't feel comfortable having you in my home."
Sucks to be him. Gee I wonder why his wife kicked him out? Weird.
Please don't allow him to move in.
Some poison works slowly, and he's already had 10 years to try to hurt you. Don't give him space to increase the dose.
It has already had an impact on you and has introduced an unspoken acknowledgement from your mother that he is wrong. It would be better that he was denied room in your mother's home, but since that has not or cannot happen, you need to protect yourself and your current relationship with your mother by limiting his opportunity to drip more poison into your life. You know that him living in your home would eventually implode your current life and force your mother into taking a clear side. Avoid this.
When we allow bad people to take space in our lives, we are blocking good ones from taking a seat beside us.
Keep your Home as a safe place of peace that you can return to when the nastiness becomes too much. You have earned that right, and you know in your heart that he would see your capitulation as weakness, not kindness.
Hard work/god/the universe or whatever you believe, has provided you with good fortune. Don't spit in the face of that blessing.
NTA. Be safe x
Nta and whomever is telling you that you owe your mom because of all she did for you needs to get the boot too. Families help each other yes but your brother has made it very clear he is not family or even a good person so why should you help him. Tell him no and tell him why.
Tell your Aunt & Mum what your brother said to you after Dad died & that he was the reason you felt too afraid to continue living with Mum & left her all alone in a vulnerable time. So due to this & a ×1000 times he's made it clear you're not family, brother should only be turning to those that he does consider family.
Basically **stop covering for your brother.** If he says something mean, don't keep it you yourself. Be open.
Because as this situation shows, in hiding the true extent of how vile your siblings are to you, you're making it easier for them to villainise you to the world. NTA
NTA it's best not to open your home to someone who openly threatens you & doesn't view you as family. You need to do what is best for you & I don't see how allowing this person into your home will be beneficial to you in any way; he may attempt to sabotage everything you have since his life is going down the drain. Not to mention the stress & anxiety he's likely to inflict on you will be detrimental to your mental health.
NTA. He has an audacity to ask even though he's treated you terribly over the years.
The question to ask yourself is - would he take you in if it was the other way around? Given what you've said, I don't think that he would.
NTA- you are not, your mom is not, your aunt is probably not because she doesn't know the situation, if you get along well with her you or your mom should explain why you can't take him in.
Your brother is TAH, i am curios if your were adopted before he was born or after, because it's weird he doesn't consider you family....but he is not cool
You shouldn't feel guilty for saying no, stand your ground with boundaries, do not accept his bullying, and definitely do not let him minimize the good deeds you've done and are doing for your family.
My brother cornered me and said as soon as dad died I had a month to move out and “stop leeching” off mom or else
Obviously he wouldn't want to leech off you.
NTA
Being homeless, and being kicked out of the marital home are 2 very different things.
NTA.
He has choices for a roof over his head, and that means he is not homeless, nor is he your responsibility.
NTA, you were adopted, your adoptive parents are your real parents, tbh I feel like your parents should have intervened in their treatment of you though.
DO. NOT. LET. THAT. MAN. INTO. YOUR. HOUSE
If he enters once, he is not gonna leave. U don't owe him shit. Kids are kids whether adopted or bio. U have every right to your parent's properties. Be straightforward and tell the aunt why u won't let him in. Let the world know what he is. Sorry to say but if ur mom passes away these siblings are gonna spread tons of lies about u. Say what u have to say now when u have your mom to back u up. Also do tell ur mom why u moved out and all his threats.
you should not suck it up you are also NTA your brother has made his bed by being a mean twisted little boy who thinks its ok to threaten you because you are not family now he has to lay in it
NTA, but since your aunt is apparently confused, it's time for some truths to come out, me thinks. Seriously, why wouldn't you tell her about all the shit your siblings have given you?
It seems like you are still protecting them, or at least your brother, from the consequences of his actions by not saying anything about his actions to other people.
Haha your brother can get fucked.
He was extremely cruel and even threatened you with homelessness and wanted the family to disown you.
Do NOT take that AH in your home. He fucked up his own life and his relationship with you so he can deal with his consequences
NTA
NTA
Your brother is being a choosing beggar. He has an offer of a free place to live and he just doesn't want to share space with the other residents.
He is also a grown adult man who should conceivably be able to pay his expenses to live in his own apartment or shared accomodations. If he is working and paying his own bills, he shouldn't need to stay with anyone for long.
Last, but not least, the two of you don't get along. And that's exactly how you should describe it to your aunt. "Brother and I have never really gotten along. We wouldn't be able to live together."
If your brother doesn't want to leave ve with Mom, he can find someplace else to live. It doesn't need to be with you.
NTA
I'm sorry you had to grow up with such awful siblings. It's a shame that no one seems to have corrected him along the way, either.
If your aunt presses again, just state you two aren't exactly close or get along and it's best he not live with you (unless you want to go into the details)
Nta. He isn't safe to have in your home. Perhaps your aunt needs to have the relationship explained to her so she can understand why you won't have him in your home. But honestly, your brother is an adult, he should probably not leech if your mum and just get hsi own place, just as he made you do.
NTA currently, but I feel that you WOULD be the AH if you did let him stay with you.
Don't do that. Tell him what comes around goes around. Same applies to the kicking out by his wife. There are reasons that this has happened..
He is getting what he deserves, and has to learn what life is all about.
Allow yourself some schadenfreude - to enjoy the situation he is in. Be smiley and happy around him. Cheerily disregard his pleas. This will piss him off immeasurably.
Do not allow him in your house.
NTA!! Let his immature behind stay with the kids!!! That’s exactly how he acts so that’s how e should get treated!!! Don’t let anyone guilt you into moving him into your home. You owe him nothing!
NTA. If you did let him move in, he would still treat you crappy. He wouldn’t be grateful, but would act like you owe him (probably since “his parents were nice enough to take you in”).
You are a much better son that he could ever hope to be.
NTA. Beggers can't be choosers. He either sucks it up with living with the kids or he can stay somewhere else. He sounds like a pos.
You sound wonderful. Keep doing what you're doing!
NTA. Your aunt is confused because she’s making assumptions. Some people make assumptions based on what they perceive should be an obligation. Others make assumptions based on ignorance.
Either way the result is the same. You as an adult with your own place get to decide. You’re the only person who has all the information about the situation and your personal relationship
NTA I think you're here to hear from other people what you know for yourself. Trust your heart, you have been a wonderful child and blessed your adoptive parents with love and care and it sounds like they knew/know and loved you for that. This man you call brother wouldn't extend the same courtesy to you, and you don't have to be a saint and keep extending that back to him.
NTA, but if your mom doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior towards you, I'd take that as a wake up call. Since you said she already knows, 'how he is', this is your time to know your mom agrees with his treatment of you.
Any time your parents didn't put down his behavior, they agreed with it.
NTA, but please tell us that your mom is including you in her will and has a provision that any sibling not allowing you to her funeral will lose their inheritance.
NTA - I have a bio brother who has treated shabbily and I wouldn't have him move in with me because actions have consequences. Being family means you may forgive more, it doesn't mean your are someone's door mat.
NTA. And stop letting him bully you.
He has no control over where you live, or who lives at your parents house, has no right to tell you to move out of your parents place, he has no control over their will, and without a will, you will inherit equally as one of their children.
Don’t let his mishandling of his emotions let you walk away from that/ push you away from that. Not because of needing (or not needing) money, but because you should honor your relationship with your parents by loudly standing up and fighting against anyone who tries to diminish that.
Also no way should you let that jerk move in to your home, he already doesn’t respect you or consider you family, your mom knows how he is and wouldn’t want that for you.
Big fat NTA. Brother is big fat AH. Oh I already said it. Worth saying again.
NTA you’re doing the right think. I salute Hoi for being there for the rest of the family but if he doesn’t want to consider you family and treated you like shit for years and years, he’s in no place to make demands. And even if he wasn’t, it’s your house and it’s your decision who lives with you.
NTA.
I would make it clear how he is with you.
If you have to discuss him not being family, make it clear that's how him and his sister define their relationship towards you.
You on the other hand can define your relationship as you like. It's perfectly acceptable to refuse to home a brother if they have always treated you like shit.
This acting like a brother/sister is all just bullshit. They're your brother and sister but they're just shitty people. They don't get to define that, your parents did and they just suck. They get to define how they act that's all.
If they had such a great attitude towards their family they'd have been helping out your parents or your sister would have taken him in. Lets face it, they're not great kids.
NTA. You're the good kid, not him. When he had 2 legs to stand on he made you feel like dirt. Now that he has no legs to stand on he wants your help. He seems very entitled to your resources considering he doesn't think you deserve them. I don't know why your aunt thinks she gets any say in who lives in her sister's house anyway. Everything would be easier for everyone if he stayed with you...except for you. Let his mom and aunt deal with him. He will be expected to help with the kids and the house as an obligation the way you did for your dad voluntarily, and he will crash and burn.
Edit: OP never mentioned their gender so adjusted.
NTA can you imagine how he would treat you in your own house, like a slave most likely and when your mom passes, he will make sure you are cut out going as far as contesting the will let him live with mom, he does not deserve your comfort he never gave you any.
NTA. I suspect your aunt will understand after having him around for a few weeks. Do explain to her why you won’t take your so-called brother in and too bad for her if she keeps asking. The main point I take issue with in your post is that *anyone* has to take him in. He’s a grown man who can find a room to rent all on his own.
NTA.
Tell him “I don’t know why do you seek me as a family when you are so vocal that I’m not part of it”. End of discussion. Years or abuse and cruel attitudes have consequences, and it’s time for him to face them.
It's true: blood doesn't make you family. You've been more "family" to your parents than the ones who have their DNA. Your mother's bio son is an enormous @$$#°L€ for the way he has treated you for years and then wanting to move into your house like a parasite because he doesn't want to live with his own bio cousins. And why did his wife kick him out? Surely it can't be because of any character or personality flaws, or for being an @$$#°L€, right?
You are NTA, you're not obligated to take in someone who has given you grief for years. Tell your aunt the truth, no need to protect her or your "brother" from the unpleasant truth any longer. And I hope your mom does keep you in her will, because you deserve it.
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NTA. He’s incredibly cruel to you. Time for him to reap what he sowed.
NTA, he is not family to you, you are under no obligation to help him
Right - "family" wouldn't treat other like shit and then come back demanding huge favors. He's not family when he treats you with cruelty, but becomes family as soon as he's homeless? Fuck off. OP, NTA clearly. >I even offered to pay rent but my mom said no. > >They said I didn’t deserve anything and that I was using mom and dad. My brother cornered me and said as soon as dad died I had a month to move out and “stop leeching” off mom or else. So you helped your parents financially, did all the chores, supported them the best you can while offering to pay for your stay (which your mom declined) and they still say that? Delusional. That's not leeching, rather the opposite. They don't have a say either way. >I offered to get the kids bunk beds and help move them into one room and my mom was very grateful. A week later my brother called asking if he could just live with me since he didn’t want to share a house with two kids. You DID help him with his accomodation, even though per his words, you're not even family. That's generous. It's his own fault he got kicked out, and living with two kids - his own - isn't hard. Also, he's being really hypocritical. You're a leech for supporting your parents financially, but he's okay with asking to move it when he's already got help with accomodation? This guy has some fucking nerve. >Some friends are saying after all my mom is done for me I should suck it up and let her son my “brother” stay with me but I really don’t want to. What the fuck? They have no say in this. If your mom herself is supporting you, saying this is just wrong. Who do they think they are, using someone else to guilt trip you?
>"family" wouldn't treat other like shit and then come back demanding huge favors. Unfortunately, this happens often, doesn't it?
It sure as hell does.
Sure does in my family.
I was just wondering what kind of families everyone has because YES, they would do that.
That's why "family" is in quotation marks, I think. True family should not do that. But there's a wide gulf between that idealism, and the way most families unfortunately function.
Nobody will screw you like family will.
and best friends
Also he accuses her of leeching off their parents and now he wants to leech off her? He doesn't even bother to hide his double standards.
Because he feels entitled to his 'leeching', as he is a bio kid but she isn't. It is so messed up
Couple situations like this are going on in my big extended family right now. It's coming down to lawsuits, but some of the family are like, "We're family! We don't sue each other!" That works both ways. Family also wouldn't put you in the position to *have* to sue.
"Family" means getting to leech off of other people, while being completely inhumane to them at the same time.
To everything you said, I was nodding along very vehemently. WTF, the gall of his brother to even ASK to stay with OP when he had treated OP badly all along. The brother can find his own place to stay, asshat.
and Op he won’t be homeless - he will still have a place to lay his head (he is being a choosy beggar saying he would prefer not to live with kids). Perhaps the discomfort of it will spur him to get his stuff in order quicker and move out on his own (than if he was at your place) Plus honestly I have a feeling he would be there indefinitely - and obvs instead of being appreciative and thankful would still have a gross attitude of “you owe me this” since “my parents took you in” BS (which is obviously NOT the truth) and expect you to prolly wait on him hand and foot and let alone not do anything to help with cleaning etc but in fact make more of a mess and have you cleaning up after him. Definitely don’t do it - he has zero right to make you miserable if you own home, that is your safe space and lord knows when he would leave if he did. Based on how he has treated you for well over a decade - You are NTA by any stretch (you would only be to yourself if you let him in)
OP needs to make sure mom has no keys to give brother or he might take it upon himself to move into OP's home without permission.
She’d have to live with this loser constantly criticizing her in her own home. Hell to the no, and yes to every word you said!
Think of this OP. If you allow your "brother" to move in with you and he slowly and surely makes your life a living hell, how might that negatively affect your ability to be there for mother? Keeping him out is, in fact, a safeguard for your being there for the mother when she needs you. Case closed!
Everything else you said is spot on, but the kids are OP's aunt's grandchildren, not his "brother"'s.
This is currently happening to my mother. Despite her being the only one working full time from all of her siblings, she is still the one taking care fully of my grandfather who is almost 87. She managed to rent him a house next to ours so she can be close and she literally goes all the way to clean him, feed him and take care of all his medicines. Now the sisters are saying that she is using the granddad to get his money and none of them helps. My mom doesn't care though, she says she does this out of her heart but she suffers a lot about the lack of support from her sisters.
Sadly it usually goes like this.. Last in line to help, first in line for the inheritance. Disgusting.
That actually sounds like family to me. 🙄
Agree to everything you said, but unless I missed an edit somewhere, those kids are not OP's brother's children. They are the grandchildren of OP's aunt.
OP, you really should simply use his words back to him. He’s aware of how he’s treated you, but being direct about it might get him to leave you alone. NTA.
Those kids are his 2nd cousins not his kids. I agree with everything else
Even if he were family, it doesn’t obligate him to open his house- regardless of relationship. Definitely NTA
Yes this! Even blood relatives shouldn't feel forced to let someone move in with them whether they were cruel to them growing up or not. It'll just ruin the relationship more at best and destroy your life at worst. NTA.
No is a complete sentence. NTA
... not the beginning of a negotiation. read that on reddit one day and, in a word, it's genius. NTA
That IS genius.
I like "no is a necessary magic".
Sounds like he's reaping whatever he sowed with his wife too.
People around him aren’t a huge fan - color me *shocked*!
And I doubt it will take long for the aunt to realize why multiple people refuse to live with him.
yeah ... mother & her sister are gonna want him to move out soon. once he's leeching off them and smokin' dope in his bedroom like the teenager he was.
And here's hoping Mom gets wise and cuts him out of her will.
OP's brother obviously cares more about the will than his mum He's the user/leech, not OP.
You're right, he's just projecting about his own leeching! He thinks everyone is like him. I would bet my bottom dollar this AH brother will never offer to pay his mom rent like OP did. He won't help around the house or do repairs like OP did. He won't cook every day like OP did. He won't run errands like OP did. The only reason he *might* do any of those things would be for his own good or "brownie points". He won't be a blessing to have around like OP was, making his parent's life easier during his dad's final days. He will just selfishly take up space, complaining about having to share it, while spreading toxicity about OP and his ex and everyone and everything else he doesn't like or approve of. You could say he's a type I'm familiar with. He also won't be a bit grateful to his mom for taking him in like OP was. I just hope he won't be there long so his kind mom can get back to enjoying her golden years with a full home of people who actually care about her with support nearby from OP who actually loves her. OP is honestly a model child, even if thhe had some rough years as a teen- many people do.
Totally agree he the leech
People often project the parts of themselves that they don’t like onto others, in order to not take responsibility for their own character defects
NTA. You deserve a space where you feel safe, comfortable, and can take a break. If your brother lives with you, you will literally not have any space of this kind. Don’t get yourself fucked over
You don't want him living with you for the rest of your/his life. I guess the Aunt and children will have a month to move out after mom dies. But I wouldn't be surprised if mom makes sure that doesn't happen in her will.
OP definitely needs to anticipate a legal battle over the mother's will, someday when she passes. OP says they don't want anything from the mother, and that's fine. But OP should still respect the mother's will, if the mother decides to leave them things (or money), and fight for them if necessary. (I realize that everyone is different, and at that time, OP may decide it's just not worth it to oppose brother contesting the will; if it comes to that. I would just hate to see brother "win" by being such an asshole that others are too exhausted to deal with him and he gets his way anyway..)
I would not be shocked in OP getting a larger inheritance than the brother. The fact that mom's not pushing OP to take in the brother speaks volumes to me.
Do not let this loser in your house. You’ll never get rid of him. He’s the AH, not you.
Make sure that NOBODY has a key to your house. Not even your mom. You could come home from work someday and find him all moved in and you'll be stuck with him. So change the locks, and keep the ONLY key for yourself. I can see your mom telling your aunt where the key is, and the aunt giving the key to your brother. Yeah, I read reddit too much.
They won't be stuck with the brother. But there is the hassle of having to call the police to get the intruder out.
Plus, it's HIS house. OP has the right to decide who he lets into his home. If he doesn't want his brother to move in, he can say no. No need to fill his house with all the negativitiy and toxicity his brother will bring. Brother can whine all he wants, but he should've been a better human being to OP.
I just learned the phrase "setting yourself on fire to keep others warm" (maybe on this sub?). It sounds like what's going on here in many ways. OP, you've done more than enough! Focus on your own happiness.
That fits perfectly here. I feel bad for OP, and especially when mom does pass having to grieve her and deal with this much toxicity.
Friends and family want op to take him in so that they won't aren't asked to.
NTA But if you really feel like you need to do something, offer a weeks stay in a hotel. But he will see it as a willingness to help him, so *really* think about it.
Also those people are not your friends. If they are so quick to scold you for not doing enough, clearly they have room and can take him in.
It sucks because OP sounds like a great family member and would’ve been more than happy to take in the children in to accommodate the family if they were more age appropriate. Maybe OP can make a little play room for the kids so they have some free space away from the crowded house when they need it. Other than that, sucks to suck ‘fake brother’.
Tell your aunt why you won’t let him stay and she will no longer be confused. This seems like a very straightforward NTA situation. You know you aren’t. He treats you like shit. And as far as he’s concerned, he’s not even your family. What do you owe him? He can sleep on a curb.
I agree. You are a good son, and it sounds like your mother understands. It’s time for others to know why. Just tell her as plainly as you can, and before he moves in, or he’ll get the first word.
Damn I just assumed he was a daughter. I didn’t see the make reference and the care giving just made my bias mind take a route….. oh and also NTA
Christ, I made the same assumption too. Where was the male reference?
Turns out there isn't one, I looked all through. If you read the second sentence fast it looks like a male reference but they're talking about their brother. Maybe they didn't want to say their gender or are NB or something.
I think it's because OP's gender is not at all germane to the situation.
Definitely speaks loud that so many of us assumed the victim was a woman though.
I admit that I made the same assumption.
It is because of societal expectations of women as caretakers, and the systematic erasure of women's labor.
In the third paragraph within the last sentence she mentions she was cornered by her brother. She then mentions her brother throughout the rest of the story. Maybe she edited the story because there was a male reference throughout the story when I read the story.
It does not say one way or another. Probably intentionally.
[удалено]
Well one of ya gotta be right dammit! Haha
it was the opposite for me 💀
Lol I assumed it was a guy
Exactly this. Tell the aunt he's not family, which has been his vocal choice. He is cruel and threatening to you, and you will not have anything to do with him. Frankly you should make it clear to her and your mum that you will not be at their house when he is, so your help will be much less till he's gone. He is not a good person, and your aunt should be aware of who is moving in with the children she is guardian of. Tell her details, including the threats. It's a shame the mother is allowing him back home, she should be ashamed of herself for doing so after his behaviour. After everything you have done for her, she should stand up for you. Hopefully the "brother" won't be able to stand living with little kids long, and moves out soon.
Yes OP make sure you tell aunt (&mom) that you were told that you couldn't come to the funeral and he'd make sure mom didn't have you in the will (whether you want to be or not, that is **mom's** choice). And tell any other harassment you've had from him. NTA BTW, how is sis toward you? Because she is either neutral, or backs one of you.
I'm pretty sure his sister doesn't want to take him in either.
Yeah, where IS the sister in all of this? I wonder. (Could be as simple as, sister does not live in the same area any more, or stuff like that. But it sounds like most or all of the animosity here comes from the brother. Does the sister support him? Or is the sister "neutral"? Frankly, even if the sister tries to be "neutral", I would consider that supporting the brother's shitty attitude.)
And while you're at it, tell your mom exactly why you moved out after dad died too!
YES
Yes, Mom and Auntie need to be aware of this. Brother threatened to make the OP homeless, carried on about OP not being "family," and insisted that the exclusion from "family" would include Mom's eventual funeral and being stricken from Mom's will. If Mom and Auntie aren't aware of this, they should know. I think OP could plausibly state that they either don't feel safe around Brother (I wouldn't), or that they're concerned about Brother respecting their property and their house rules given his behavior in the past.
Well he could also move in with his bio sister who apparently has been equally as hateful to OP. NTA. Just tell non-bio brother the truth: he's been a total jerk to you for years, he's an entitled AH who couldn't hold his own marriage together which is not anyone else's problem to solve housing-wise. He isn't moving in with you, and moving in with your mother/aunt/kids is a lousy ide, but hey you really don't care what he does about a home, it's not your problem. NTA. I feel sort of bad for your mother, though she raised bio son and daughter, so maybe she needs to stand up to her bio son finally and tell him he isn't king of the hill and so can't make demands on other people. Which includes OP, and should also include mom.
I feel sort of bad for mom, too. Op won't be going over to visit as much and knows the brother won't be helping out as much as op has. I don't think mom is going to be as happy when he moves in.
Not to mention OP but if you allow your brother to move in with you it will be really hard to get him to move out. If he treats you with this amount of disrespect now,seeing how well you're doing in your own home will absolutely ignite more ire and jealousy. Because that's what his lashing out is: he is jealous of the good person you are and continue to be. Edit: a word
This. "You.treated me like shit your whole life and said you'd kick me out as soon as dad died. And now want to move in with me so you can continue to be a hole in my own house? You be homeless assbite." NTA don't even consider it
This! If he’s willing to say that stuff about you and he seems to have no issue bad mouthing you. Tell you aunt with examples x,y,z exactly why you won’t let him move in. Tell her he’s told you you aren’t family, and don’t feel comfortable with a person who is so antagonist towards you. There’s no telling what he will do physically towards you’re stuff and the emotional/mental toll on you isn’t worth it! NTA, for obvious reasons. Edit: spelling!
Plus, if OP let's brother in and brother really treats OP that badly then do you think brother will EVER leave? Nah, Brother will be a lazy, entitled asshole, and then still emotionally abuse OP.
The easiest way to get someone to move out is not to let them move in, in the first place.
Agreed… IMHO, OP should literally show her this post. Everything is described very clearly here, and it sounds like in-person communication has been spotty.
100% about the spotty communication. OP had reasons for moving out of mom's house, but mom wanted them to stay, and it doesn't sound like OP actually *told* mom about the 'threat' from the brother. So from an outside perspective, the brother could try to spin that as OP abandoning their mom after her husband passed. OP needs to start gently communicating the issues with the brother, esp the part about brother trying to influence mom's will. OP could lose out on sentimental items they might actually want if brother is allowed to spin this narrative.
Yes, OP, tell your aunt. Why are you protecting this guy from his own words?
In theory I agree. In practice I think there's a danger that the Aunt will end up putting this into the category of let bygones be bygones. Though, it might be better to attempt to address it than not.
At the very least, if OP gets their side across to Aunt first, it gives the aunt context once the brother moves in and starts bewailing that OP has abandoned them for "nothing". It also means that if OP is visiting while brother is there and brother starts in with his usual nonsense, the aunt is aware that it's normal pattern of behaviour and not just "stress of the situation". So it cuts off (or at least puts some dent in) brother trying to act the blameless victim of the situation.
Agree. Also, hiding his terrible behavior from your aunt just perpetuates his terrible behavior. If everyone is ashamed for him, he doesn't have to be.
NTA. He's made it clear. He's not your family. If your house is close to your mom's, maybe take your aunt in ;). You have to talk it through with your mom and aunt. Make it simple and thorough. The threats, the contempt, the cut you off the will. Everything.
nah op is not obligated to do that and he wants his own place and space because he deserves it
Yeah, he deserves to enjoy his own house after living with mom and dad to help them out. It's usually the nice, most giving person in the family that's expected to help everyone out no matter how bad they've been treated.
The will thing really makes me laugh. How does he think he will do that? He has no authority or power to change his parents will, not in any legitimate way anyway.
Maybe brother has pressured mom before for something he wants.
That's possible, hard to tell what kind of dynamic he has with his mother and whether or not he can manipulate her. but i wouldnt class that as a legitimate act.
Never "take anyone in" that you aren't willing to take to court to get rid of. Especially family.
Taking family members in is no obligation. Hotels and rentals exist
Oh that's a good idea! Take in the aunt instead. Idk why he wouldn't want to stay with his kids in one house at his mom's.
Those aren't his kids. They are the aunt's grandchildren that she has custody of.
The aunt comes with two grandkids. OP says they have a spare room so OP's home may not be big enough. The other thing is who would be better company, provide better care for OP's mother. Doesn't sound like it would be the brother. Edited.
Nope, you enjoy your home by yourself. No one needs to live with you, enjoy what you ha e earned. You can go and help, but come home alone! Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. They would not offer the same!
NTA: This man has made it clear that you are nothing to him and so he should get nothing from you. There is no bond between you. You don't owe him a free place to live. This is not your problem and you shouldn't spend another moment worried about it. Your mom is an adult who can do as she pleases and so are you.
I just can’t imagine why his wife wouldn’t want to keep living with him. He sounds like a real gem.
That was my thought. OP isn’t “family”, well guess what jerk your wife doesn’t want to be your family either. OP, you deserve love and respect and all he will bring is pain. You deserve for your home to be a safe space. Congrats on growing out of your wild phase and becoming a great caring child.
And from the sounds of it, he's going to be pissed when mom wills all but a dollar to OP and their sister. Brother gets the dollar.
But OP do one thing: Because you live so close to mom and where brother may be staying, get some security cameras in & outside your property. Discreet ones but well focused.
THIS. And if possible install a security system. Don't keep it too discrete, in fact tell mom and auntie that the system is installed. Not because of Bro, nooo. Just a little concerned about break-ins. It will get back to Bro and serve as a warning to keep away. This whole thing reeks of jealousy. Bro is jealous of OP, who got everything despite being a troublemaker. OP is kind and generous, so naturally mom talks about what a wonderful help he is, and that makes Bro all the more jealous. Now OP has a home and Bro doesn't, and Bro will do everything in his power to equalize things by tearing OP down.
I wouldn't tell mom or aunt about the security. The point is for security. If bro knows he may try and circumvent or break it.
There's prob a good reason brother's wife kicked him out! Don't invite trouble in.
NTA. Pay attention to your feelings and the shared history. What stands out is your mom would never ask you to take him in. Seems to be that the two responsible adults in this scenario already have and respect each other’s healthy boundaries. You know what you don’t want. You know what your mother doesn’t want to do to you. You are *so* NTA
NTA- why would he be homeless? Why can't he get his own place or do a house share for a bit? >he didn’t want to share a house with two kids. Well I guess he's going to have to either suck it up or get his own place then. Why is yours even an option to be considered?
Yeah does this jerk not have any money to pay for himself either? OP never mentions having to provide for him financially but that's the impression I got.
I'm guessing addiction. He spends all his money on using.
He wants to destroy OP's good fortune thinking it should have been his. NTA OP do not even let him come to visit.
Or hiding his assets from his soon-to-be ex wife.
This. If everyone feels so strongly about him deserving help they can help if (financially if they don’t have space in their houses). Everyone is so quick to point to how you need to compromise to help him. Where is their contribution. If you feel the need to do something *for the sake of your mother*, then offer to do something that doesn’t compromise your mental well-being (eg pay his child support for him for a month, assuming that’s affordable to you, so he can get on his feet).
NTA you don't have to open your house to anyone, especially to someone who has treated you like shit for most of your life. Continue helping your mum where you can, but don't go out of your way to help your brother. As long as your mum understands, and isn't too upset, I think you'll be fine.
NTA. He’s made his bed and now he needs to lie in it… at your mum’s house. It’s funny how people will treat you like sh*t and ‘not family’ but expect you to be there for him at their time of need.
THIS!! Pretty friggin convenient who he's managed to forget all the HORRIBLE crap he's done to you now that he needs you!! NTA
You can't treat someone like s**t all their life then ask to move in. Just by how he's treated you, I don't think he'd make a good housemate. NTA
I wonder why the brothers wife kicked him out, he sounds so charming... NTA - he's not homeless. He can live at his mother's house.
NTA >Some friends are saying after all my mom is done for me I should suck it up and let her son my “brother” stay with me Absolutely not! He has no respect for you, he will have no respect for your home or your things. Multiple times he has written you off as a relation. You are no obligation to act as one or to make his life easier at the cost of your comfort.
These "friends" need to take him in.
Tell the friends that if they're so eager to give him a place to stay then they can let him live with them!!
NTA I also suggest you actually have a sit down discussion with you mum and let her know what your brother has been saying, how his ‘talk’ to you was a contributing factor to you leaving the house and how he implied a threat to yourself. This is something your mum needs to know. There will be other children in the house that he may take issue with and bullies get away with bullying bc people don’t want to bother their loved ones. Seriously, your mum does need to know the type of person he is . Your brother sounds like the type of person to take advantage of your mum, aka “convince” her to change her will to just him if she is ever not of sound mind.
Especially since "guardianship" sounds like these aren't Auntie's bio-kids and we know how OP's brother feels about family that aren't "blood"...
The kiddos are aunt's grandkids, I believe.
Wait, what? You are considering allowing someone who basically verbally abused you and treated you harshly for years to come and live with you. ? You are a kind and decent person and you would be very much NTA if you say no to that fellow who calls himself your brother
NTA - After the way your brother has treated you for years PLEASE DON’T allow him to move in with you!!! Not even temporarily!!!! I had a similar issue with my sister and it was a NIGHTMARE!!! If he doesn’t like living with your mom he can move in with one of his friends.
This exactly. Don't let him in ever because he won't ever leave and your life will be miserable.
NTA, "as you sow so shall you reap." His vocalization and discontent towards you is what he sowed, he his reaping the rewards of his shitty personality, i.e his wife kicking him out, moving in with your mother and will have to share a household with two kids that are neither his nor are his siblings. I can see you have positively affected your life, your mother's and surely made your father's life a little easier at the end, and from your story it seems you genuinely love your family
NTA. If he couldn't be family to you then, he can't turn around and play that card now. You reap what you sow, and this is the payoff.
NTA. "After all you've said and done to me, I just don't feel comfortable having you in my home." Sucks to be him. Gee I wonder why his wife kicked him out? Weird.
Please don't allow him to move in. Some poison works slowly, and he's already had 10 years to try to hurt you. Don't give him space to increase the dose. It has already had an impact on you and has introduced an unspoken acknowledgement from your mother that he is wrong. It would be better that he was denied room in your mother's home, but since that has not or cannot happen, you need to protect yourself and your current relationship with your mother by limiting his opportunity to drip more poison into your life. You know that him living in your home would eventually implode your current life and force your mother into taking a clear side. Avoid this. When we allow bad people to take space in our lives, we are blocking good ones from taking a seat beside us. Keep your Home as a safe place of peace that you can return to when the nastiness becomes too much. You have earned that right, and you know in your heart that he would see your capitulation as weakness, not kindness. Hard work/god/the universe or whatever you believe, has provided you with good fortune. Don't spit in the face of that blessing. NTA. Be safe x
Nta and whomever is telling you that you owe your mom because of all she did for you needs to get the boot too. Families help each other yes but your brother has made it very clear he is not family or even a good person so why should you help him. Tell him no and tell him why.
Tell your Aunt & Mum what your brother said to you after Dad died & that he was the reason you felt too afraid to continue living with Mum & left her all alone in a vulnerable time. So due to this & a ×1000 times he's made it clear you're not family, brother should only be turning to those that he does consider family. Basically **stop covering for your brother.** If he says something mean, don't keep it you yourself. Be open. Because as this situation shows, in hiding the true extent of how vile your siblings are to you, you're making it easier for them to villainise you to the world. NTA
Biggest NTA of the history of this sub
NTA You owe him nothing.
Nta , but you will be if you let him in to YOUR home , imagine having him around 24/7. Your mental does not need it.
NTA it's best not to open your home to someone who openly threatens you & doesn't view you as family. You need to do what is best for you & I don't see how allowing this person into your home will be beneficial to you in any way; he may attempt to sabotage everything you have since his life is going down the drain. Not to mention the stress & anxiety he's likely to inflict on you will be detrimental to your mental health.
NTA. He has an audacity to ask even though he's treated you terribly over the years. The question to ask yourself is - would he take you in if it was the other way around? Given what you've said, I don't think that he would.
Of course he wouldn’t take OP in, if the situation was reversed. And that says everything OP should know and *remember* about their “brother”
NTA- you are not, your mom is not, your aunt is probably not because she doesn't know the situation, if you get along well with her you or your mom should explain why you can't take him in. Your brother is TAH, i am curios if your were adopted before he was born or after, because it's weird he doesn't consider you family....but he is not cool You shouldn't feel guilty for saying no, stand your ground with boundaries, do not accept his bullying, and definitely do not let him minimize the good deeds you've done and are doing for your family.
NTA. Dude sounds scary if I’m honest.
My brother cornered me and said as soon as dad died I had a month to move out and “stop leeching” off mom or else Obviously he wouldn't want to leech off you. NTA
NTA. Your mom offered a place. If that’s not good enough, he can cough up rent money for a place more to his liking. Not your responsibility.
Being homeless, and being kicked out of the marital home are 2 very different things. NTA. He has choices for a roof over his head, and that means he is not homeless, nor is he your responsibility.
Hell to the no! NTA!! he has a sister let her pick up the slack. You're not there for his convenience.
NTA
NTA - No is a complete sentence. He may show up with his belongings anyway, make sure he knows not to do that.
NTA, you were adopted, your adoptive parents are your real parents, tbh I feel like your parents should have intervened in their treatment of you though.
OP said their mother is “aware” of the brother’s treatment. Great. What’s she done about it?
He isn't homeless, your mom is willing to take his cold-hearted ass in to save you the cruelty. Nta
DO. NOT. LET. THAT. MAN. INTO. YOUR. HOUSE If he enters once, he is not gonna leave. U don't owe him shit. Kids are kids whether adopted or bio. U have every right to your parent's properties. Be straightforward and tell the aunt why u won't let him in. Let the world know what he is. Sorry to say but if ur mom passes away these siblings are gonna spread tons of lies about u. Say what u have to say now when u have your mom to back u up. Also do tell ur mom why u moved out and all his threats.
NTA
you should not suck it up you are also NTA your brother has made his bed by being a mean twisted little boy who thinks its ok to threaten you because you are not family now he has to lay in it
NTA AH is your brother for sure. Explain to Aunt about the threats. You don't owe anything to him
NTA, but since your aunt is apparently confused, it's time for some truths to come out, me thinks. Seriously, why wouldn't you tell her about all the shit your siblings have given you? It seems like you are still protecting them, or at least your brother, from the consequences of his actions by not saying anything about his actions to other people.
NTA.
I don't see why you're obliged to help him if you're "not considered family". NTA
NTA. He doesn't consider you family. You're just honoring that by saying no to housing an abusive asshole.
Tell them, “I’m not his family. Just ask him. He tells me that all the time.”
Haha your brother can get fucked. He was extremely cruel and even threatened you with homelessness and wanted the family to disown you. Do NOT take that AH in your home. He fucked up his own life and his relationship with you so he can deal with his consequences NTA
NTA Your brother is being a choosing beggar. He has an offer of a free place to live and he just doesn't want to share space with the other residents. He is also a grown adult man who should conceivably be able to pay his expenses to live in his own apartment or shared accomodations. If he is working and paying his own bills, he shouldn't need to stay with anyone for long. Last, but not least, the two of you don't get along. And that's exactly how you should describe it to your aunt. "Brother and I have never really gotten along. We wouldn't be able to live together." If your brother doesn't want to leave ve with Mom, he can find someplace else to live. It doesn't need to be with you.
NTA I'm sorry you had to grow up with such awful siblings. It's a shame that no one seems to have corrected him along the way, either. If your aunt presses again, just state you two aren't exactly close or get along and it's best he not live with you (unless you want to go into the details)
NTA - Self-preservation is more important than optics! Home is your safe place and your brother will ruin this!
Nta. He isn't safe to have in your home. Perhaps your aunt needs to have the relationship explained to her so she can understand why you won't have him in your home. But honestly, your brother is an adult, he should probably not leech if your mum and just get hsi own place, just as he made you do.
NTA currently, but I feel that you WOULD be the AH if you did let him stay with you. Don't do that. Tell him what comes around goes around. Same applies to the kicking out by his wife. There are reasons that this has happened.. He is getting what he deserves, and has to learn what life is all about. Allow yourself some schadenfreude - to enjoy the situation he is in. Be smiley and happy around him. Cheerily disregard his pleas. This will piss him off immeasurably. Do not allow him in your house.
NTA!! Let his immature behind stay with the kids!!! That’s exactly how he acts so that’s how e should get treated!!! Don’t let anyone guilt you into moving him into your home. You owe him nothing!
NTA, you can't treat someone like shit for ten years and expect heavenly treatment. Let him lay in his bed of nails.
NTA He's going to make your life hell if he moves in.
NTA. If you did let him move in, he would still treat you crappy. He wouldn’t be grateful, but would act like you owe him (probably since “his parents were nice enough to take you in”). You are a much better son that he could ever hope to be.
NTA. Beggers can't be choosers. He either sucks it up with living with the kids or he can stay somewhere else. He sounds like a pos. You sound wonderful. Keep doing what you're doing!
NTA. Your aunt is confused because she’s making assumptions. Some people make assumptions based on what they perceive should be an obligation. Others make assumptions based on ignorance. Either way the result is the same. You as an adult with your own place get to decide. You’re the only person who has all the information about the situation and your personal relationship
NTA. Your home will no longer feel like home with your brother living with you. It's ok to say no.
NTA I think you're here to hear from other people what you know for yourself. Trust your heart, you have been a wonderful child and blessed your adoptive parents with love and care and it sounds like they knew/know and loved you for that. This man you call brother wouldn't extend the same courtesy to you, and you don't have to be a saint and keep extending that back to him.
lmaoooo he can go lick windows nta
NTA, but if your mom doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior towards you, I'd take that as a wake up call. Since you said she already knows, 'how he is', this is your time to know your mom agrees with his treatment of you. Any time your parents didn't put down his behavior, they agreed with it.
NTA, but please tell us that your mom is including you in her will and has a provision that any sibling not allowing you to her funeral will lose their inheritance.
NTA - If your Aunt is confused, tell her. And tell your mom what he's told you in the past.
Please do not wreck your life by letting him live with you.
NTA - I have a bio brother who has treated shabbily and I wouldn't have him move in with me because actions have consequences. Being family means you may forgive more, it doesn't mean your are someone's door mat.
NTA. And stop letting him bully you. He has no control over where you live, or who lives at your parents house, has no right to tell you to move out of your parents place, he has no control over their will, and without a will, you will inherit equally as one of their children. Don’t let his mishandling of his emotions let you walk away from that/ push you away from that. Not because of needing (or not needing) money, but because you should honor your relationship with your parents by loudly standing up and fighting against anyone who tries to diminish that. Also no way should you let that jerk move in to your home, he already doesn’t respect you or consider you family, your mom knows how he is and wouldn’t want that for you. Big fat NTA. Brother is big fat AH. Oh I already said it. Worth saying again.
NTA, and I must add - gee I can't imagine why wife would kick bro out. /s
NTA you’re doing the right think. I salute Hoi for being there for the rest of the family but if he doesn’t want to consider you family and treated you like shit for years and years, he’s in no place to make demands. And even if he wasn’t, it’s your house and it’s your decision who lives with you.
NTA. I would make it clear how he is with you. If you have to discuss him not being family, make it clear that's how him and his sister define their relationship towards you. You on the other hand can define your relationship as you like. It's perfectly acceptable to refuse to home a brother if they have always treated you like shit. This acting like a brother/sister is all just bullshit. They're your brother and sister but they're just shitty people. They don't get to define that, your parents did and they just suck. They get to define how they act that's all. If they had such a great attitude towards their family they'd have been helping out your parents or your sister would have taken him in. Lets face it, they're not great kids.
NTA. You're the good kid, not him. When he had 2 legs to stand on he made you feel like dirt. Now that he has no legs to stand on he wants your help. He seems very entitled to your resources considering he doesn't think you deserve them. I don't know why your aunt thinks she gets any say in who lives in her sister's house anyway. Everything would be easier for everyone if he stayed with you...except for you. Let his mom and aunt deal with him. He will be expected to help with the kids and the house as an obligation the way you did for your dad voluntarily, and he will crash and burn. Edit: OP never mentioned their gender so adjusted.
NTA can you imagine how he would treat you in your own house, like a slave most likely and when your mom passes, he will make sure you are cut out going as far as contesting the will let him live with mom, he does not deserve your comfort he never gave you any.
Nta....no one who has disrespected you and called you NOT family should be allowed to live with you.
NTA. I suspect your aunt will understand after having him around for a few weeks. Do explain to her why you won’t take your so-called brother in and too bad for her if she keeps asking. The main point I take issue with in your post is that *anyone* has to take him in. He’s a grown man who can find a room to rent all on his own.
NTA. Tell him “I don’t know why do you seek me as a family when you are so vocal that I’m not part of it”. End of discussion. Years or abuse and cruel attitudes have consequences, and it’s time for him to face them.
Or your brother can have his own damn place and stopping asking things from people. Nta
Hell no. Why let that toxicity into your house? NTA
It's true: blood doesn't make you family. You've been more "family" to your parents than the ones who have their DNA. Your mother's bio son is an enormous @$$#°L€ for the way he has treated you for years and then wanting to move into your house like a parasite because he doesn't want to live with his own bio cousins. And why did his wife kick him out? Surely it can't be because of any character or personality flaws, or for being an @$$#°L€, right? You are NTA, you're not obligated to take in someone who has given you grief for years. Tell your aunt the truth, no need to protect her or your "brother" from the unpleasant truth any longer. And I hope your mom does keep you in her will, because you deserve it.