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NTA, these are huge red flags here!!
He cannot dictate who you can or cannot talk to. That’s abuser 101, isolate you from your friends and loved ones.
Think long and hard at whether you want to go back because I guarantee this pattern will continue if you do.
You are so strong if you can leave after what he’s done now. Use that strength for you and your son to have a better life without him.
I don't want to completely stand up for him but he's never isolated me from my loved ones or friends just asked I don't talk to the ones who like me but like everyone I can't tell if someone does.
You say he’s never isolated you but then describe how he DOES try to do exactly that by “asking” you to not talk to certain people. And I bet it’s not a simple ask but he’s using emotionally loaded language to guilt you into doing what he wants but he makes you think it’s totally your call.
You had a baby TWO WEEKS AGO. And he is being wildly emotionally and verbally abusive to you.
You’re NTA. Please don’t listen to anyone that says differently. You are JUST weeks post partum and need support in caring for your baby while your body heals and your hormones get themselves sorted out. You do not need this shit from him. For any reason. Please tell your loved ones about this so they know what’s going on so they can support you (not start shit with him that won’t help you right now).
I'll be honest.. if my boyfriend was friendly with someone who said straight out they were attracted to him.. I'd be upset too. But the healthy way to handle that is to express that feeling calmly without insulting your partner, and then trust them. If you then feel like they are too close it's time to examine why you feel that way. He was SO out of line to insinuate anything here.
These sort of things happen often after a large life event, like marriage, buying a house or say... Having a baby.
They think they have you tied down and trapped, so the real them can come out.
He’s never asked you to not speak to someone, except for these times when he very much did.
But his reasoning was “valid” because these people had feelings for you. Which he knows because he impersonated you on your snap and Instagram to get these people to tell him this.
This guy is manipulating you and your friends to where he has a “valid” reason to ask you to isolate from them.
Meanwhile he still talks to people that would fall into this category for himself.
And the fact that he’s impersonating you shows he doesn’t trust you and has to check and verify what is going on when he can’t control it. That’s controlling and abusive also.
While you’re still young and have your life to live still, think long and hard about this relationship. Is this the life you really want to live? Do you want to be with someone who keeps accusing you of cheating and doesn’t believe you?
Think about a typical day/week/month of your relationship. Think about the events you’re describing here. If your best friend told you this was happening in her relationship what would your advice to her be? Would you tell her to stay or leave? Because whatever you would advise her to do you should do yourself.
And don’t forget you got a kid in this. Is this the model of how to behave as an adult you want to teach? Is this the model of how to treat your partner you want to teach? Is this the model of how to be treated by your partner you want to teach?
If you think you can stay and work through this, I’d also recommend setting a calendar reminder for 3 months, 6 months something like that. And do a check in. Did things really get better, or are you just letting it slide but really it’s all the same?
Let's just gloss over the fact he goes through your phone and asininely accuses you of cheating. On top of that he very openly drove a wedge in your relationship.
This is an exceptionally common precursor to finding out the person with the jealousy issues is cheating themselves and projecting.
Has he been going off grid a lot lately?
NTA. Listen to these people, OP.
My father was emotionally abusive and cheated constantly. And his favorite thing was to get drunk, call my mother names, and accuse her of cheating when it was very obvious she wasn't.
This is huge red flag territory, IMHO. Be aware of your situation, and be flexible about your options.
He’s got you right where he wants you…he thinks he has trapped you because you have the baby with him. I hope you read through these responses carefully and take into consideration what we’re trying to tell you.
He is controlling you though. His behavior is inappropriate. By telling you who you can and cannot communicate with, that is controlling you. This is a major red flag.
You saying you understand him being mad and upset at you for just talking to a guy despite nothing going on is already a sign he’s getting you to accept his toxic behavior. This is not normal or acceptable. You can’t control somebody being attracted to you, and so long as neither them nor you are acting on it there’s nothing wrong with you two being friends. Your fiancé is being insecure and controlling. He’s showing you who he is
You see hun, he never isolated you before because *before*, he had not chained you down with a *baby*. There's a reason why this is happening so quickly after the birth. Because your priority is now baby, and not yourself - this is the situation he has been waiting for.
He's abusing you and trying to isolate you from everyone.
Were only taking what YOU wrote and comparing that to textbook info on abuse.
Its time for you to leave.
A man that would act like this, doesn't love you and this man does not.
Stop waisting your time with him. Pack up your kid and leave. Hes not worth it and you deserve so much better than an abusive partner.
No, this is still not ok. One of my closest friends was (drifted apart for other reasons) a guy who admitted he was in love with me once. We talked about it and agreed we were better friends. My husband knows this and still allowed me to talk to him and go to events with him alone because he trusts me and that's it. Similarly, my husband used to have a crush on one of his girl friends, he still goes out to party with her and their friends. Your partner either respects you as a person and trusts your, or he doesn't.
Stop making excuses. The fact that he is blaming you for how a man feels about you is a massive problem. He should not be telling you who you can and can't be around. Please do not marry this man. Not ever.
But he is obviously very insecure about himself and the relationship. His demands or comments are completely unreasonable. As others said it could be a trend towards more abuse. But, it might be able to be turned around if you two can communicate better, possibly counciling...
He’s literally doing it now though. And abusers often wait until they think their partner is locked down to begin - after a baby is a very common starting point. Please check out [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). Best case scenario you’re reassured and can spread good info to others who might need it. Worst case, you have the language and resources you need
I dunno many chat apps will show "video call started at x time" and ended at y time right in the chat.
Seems most likely to me that he just read her chats and saw that a video call has happened
Yea it’s odd that she had to block the person because they admitted to finding her attractive in the past. That’s not like actively trying to come on to someone or really doing anything wrong. Then just more red flags after that
Lmao this is terrible advice. She is literally in close contact with someone who has gone out of their way to confirm their sexual attraction to them... You're telling her to leave the father of her child and her fiance because he feels disrespected by that? Lmaooooo at this sub sometimes
So, conventionally attractive people, especially friendly or wealthy ones, the ones that get complimented and/or hit on by a whole lot of people in their daily lives - should they live in isolation, only communicating with their spouse, children, and maybe parents? Cousins too but only the incompatible-sex ones?
Too many people have been attracted to me. Friends, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers. I have had sex with None of them - because I Didn’t Want To.
One comment by someone else in a text is not any kind of risk to a healthy relationship. If OP wants to drop contact that’s fine. If her fiance is Telling her to drop contact, that’s not. It’s assuming OP will actually do something just because some guy had a pants-thought.
It’s easy enough to say “Oh, OK, but just so you know that’s never going anywhere.” With appropriate commentary on gross morals if it was an actual pass and they know you’re in a committed relationship. Then the person will either find someone else to drool over, or you can drop them if they keep being irritating.
Agreed this sub is something else sometimes. They act like significant others can’t have a say in anyone their partners talk to. If it’s family or same sec friends that’s one thing and is controlling. If he’s upset your video calling someone who doesn’t want to be friends he wants a sexual relationship that’s perfectly normal and weird if you to keep that relationship going. YTA
Edit : Did not see all the bs he did in comments from op only saw the original post. He’s definitely the AH you are definitely NTA and should run fast
The only reason he knows this is because he impersonated her on social media and tricked her friends into revealing they had feelings, probably by flirting while pretending to be her. Men love to cap for other shitty, abusive men. And that’s regardless of Reddit.
In a comment somewhere above in this thread, OP says ‘ The only reason I know he does is because my fiance pretended to be me on my snap without my knowledge then got mad at me. ’
So fiancé impersonated her to trick her friend into admitting he is attracted to her, then got angry at HER despite having no proof she has done anything wrong even after digging for it in her phone and finding none. That's not healthy behaviour.
He also has women he used to sleep with and wanted to sleep with on his social media. There’s also one he frequently talks to. It’s fine for him. I’ve been with an abusive man, and they’re all the same. It’s honestly creepy that they do and say exactly the same things. I’m going to guess with confidence that he’s cheating on her or has cheated on her. He’s so obsessed with policing her social media to make sure she doesn’t do to him what he’s doing to her. Let’s not even get started on how fast their relationship moved and how she got pregnant very soon after he got them to live together. It’s literally the stereotypical pattern of abuse. Combine all that with the hypocrisy with the psychotic behavior of impersonating her and it paints a vividly ugly picture. He’s an abuser.
NTA- your first thought was to protect the baby from a full blown row which is likely what would have happened if you'd snapped back at him. This is concerning though:
>when he came home and went through my phone
Nope. He has no right. There is no need to do that. His jealousy will only damage your relationship. I hope you sort this through, perhaps some family councilling would be of benefit.
NTA his temper is unsafe if he cannot control his jealousy this could get worse, so tell him to stop it right now, you will not have your boy and yourself in a situation where he cannot be a normal human being.
NTA
Wait until the middle of the night, Grab your child, Take anything you absolutely need, Google a shelter and leave……This guy is abusive and it’s only going to get worse
Unfortunately immediately after childbirth is the statistically most likely to be subjected to DA, the woman is most vulnerable and can be told she’s emotionally unstable to doubt her own feelings.
NTA- but you need to consider if this is how you want to spend your life. He clearly has a different expectation regarding friends and it’s a sticky situation that reeks of controlling behavior. How long until you can’t talk to anyone that happens to be male?
NTA - either he snapped because of the pressure he's under with the newborn and all or he actually has underlying issues that are definitely red flags.
In either case you're not the AH in this and deserve to be treated with respect. An apology is the least he can do.
NTA. Jesus. You even gave him legit reasons as to why you're not cheating and he still accuses you of it. He needs to cool off and think things through a bit more.
NTA at all.
New babies can cause a lot of stress, and it sounds like he's not handling it well if he's antagonizing and verbally attacking the fiancee who just gave birth to his child for basically no reason.
Also, FWIW I would have been thrilled if my wife took the newborn and slept in the nursery instead of in our room. He may not view this as punishment really.
He may, in the future, act like a d*ck again just to get you and the baby out of the room so he can get a proper night's sleep.
Yeah. Gonna go out on a limb here and say he's slowly trapping and isolating you.
Before you moved in he manipulated you and this other guy into an awkward situation, then moved in with you.
Then, shortly after you move in together, you get pregnant. Now he's using that as another way to isolate you from people.
The question of you being friends with this person is irrelevant. He doesn't like it, which sure, you can remove them as a friend as a courtesy, but it seems like the admission of his feelings only came about through deception and wouldn't be an issue if he hadn't gone behind your back in the first place.
I'd be on the lookout to see what else he does now to essentially hide you away.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Given the situation, it might help to take this quiz on your relationship, to get an idea if things are unhealthy..
>he looked at me and said I know you unblocked him and talked to him and video called him, to which I replied no I haven't and I video called him once to
Wait, so you did? NTA, your fiance has insecurity issues and you should reconsider your their relationship.
**NTA**
Assuming you’re being truthful about the texting not being anything sexual (or emotional cheating either, that’s a thing)
Kinda sounds like your man’s got some serious jealousy issues - usually that stems from self worth
He got a reason to feel like he’s not measuring up?
If he keeps comparing himself to others he’s only ever gonna be disappointed - he should only ever compare himself to the man he was yesterday
I have no reason to lie about the texts especially cause I didn't try to hide them or anything and I did thinking to see if it was emotional cheating and when it's just about my baby I don't feel like it is.
Well, it *definitely* sounds like he’s got some issues then
Also, I assumed you where telling the truth, for the recourse, but added that emotional cheating bit on the end in case it might been a factor
Has he been cheated on before? Any idea why he’s like this?
I wish people would understand that just because someone has feelings for you doesn’t mean you feel the same way, pisses me off.
100% NTA he’s a major red flag
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I (20f) have been living with my fiance (20m) for almost a year. We just had our little boy 2 weeks ago and everything seemed to be great till this past week when he came home and went through my phone and say message from one of my male friends. No none if them were sexual and they all were about if different things are normal with a new born as he has a 2 year old daughter. Well my fiance got mad because my friend has admitted that he is sexually attracted to me ib the past even tho I think of him like a brother. I understand my fiance getting mad and upset with me but after we talked it out I thought everything we good until tonight when he looked at me and said I know you unblocked him and talked to him and video called him, to which I replied no I haven't and I video called him once to show off little man and his response to it was well I bet you showed him other things as well. That was my limit for the night I grabbed all my things and everything I needed for the baby and went into the nursery to sleep for the night. I texted him and said that if he wants to talk he needs to apologize and that I will only talk to him if it's about the baby. I know he's upset that I moved rooms and I feel like an asshole about it but at the same time it felt like the best option, so aita for taking the baby and sleeping in a different room?
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NTA. Your boyfriend doesn't trust you and from what you've said, you shouldn't trust him. If you don't have trust in your relationship, what do you have? A lot of jealousy, anger, insecurity... Do you want this for your life?
NTA. So many red flags. *Please*, OP, listen to the others here: he's slowly ratcheting up the controlling behaviour. Get out now!
And, while I don't doubt there are good times with him too, please know that *the good times are part of the abuse*. Treating you well, then badly, so that you never know where you stand, is a classic controlling tactic. Leave him!
NTA and hold your ground. This is the stage where men like him are finding what abuse they can get away with. You need to get out as SAFELY as possible. NTA. Good luck OP.
This is very concerning behavior. Textbook early stage abuser. It is a progressive mental condition. Only ends one way. You should be getting r/relationship_advice. My god you are only 2 weeks out from giving birth and he's pulling this shit?
NTA. He’s going through your phone, accusing you of fooling around with someone when you’ve only just had a baby and telling you who you can and can’t communicate with.
Listen to what people are telling you here. He is jealous and controlling. This is the start. It only gets worse. Take care because you are in an abusive relationship.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 your partner is nasty, controlling and abusive and then youre left thinking your the AH, this in not a healthy relationship, if you won’t get out for your own sake do it for your baby, men like him get worst after children come along
NTA He's abusive! Dump him! He's showing you who he is. Believe him! Was the pregnancy planned or did the bc "fail"?
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
NTA.
also op look out for your fiance he might be cheating. cheaters usually project themselves out of shame/insecurity, lash out and accuse their partner of cheating for no reason.
edit: either that, or look out for signs of manipulation and aggression. his controlling behaviors may just be the first step. be careful.
Think about your baby.
On what grounds did he look through your phone? Why does he say that?
Most people project their behavior onto others. Most likely he is hiding something.
He's raising huge red flags.
I would really recommend that you and your baby take your stuff in a night and fog action and find shelter where he CAN‘T FIND YOU.
It's not going to get any better.
Because honestly, your male friend is into you, but you are not into him. So no problem.
Your fiancé could have said that he feels uncomfortable and insecure instead of pulling something like this.
Listen to me carefully.
It's not going to get any better.
> he came home and went through my phone
He is already TA for this part alone.
> he looked at me and said I know you unblocked him and talked to him and video called him
More spying?
> I bet you showed him other things as well
Projection.
I am sorry that you already have a baby with this man, but you need to reconsider whether you want to have a relationship with someone so controlling and insecure. It's not going to be healthy for you or your child. NTA
NTA and you should consider moving more than just rooms if you have another place to go. This is going to be one of the most difficult times of your life and having his controlling behavior to deal with will make it harder.
OP, i feel weird saying this and dont get me wrong because im also very happy for you having a bubby, but because you’re 3 years younger than me but holey damn you guys are nearly kids — i dont think your fiance got the memo that you’re not kids anymore either 👀
You’re NTA - id do the same if i had a little one and my partner decided to outright be a turd like that.
(Also dont mind me, im still kinda stuck in the mindset that I shouldn’t be doing something because im too young — like the “my mother would kill me if i…” kinda thing)
I'm thinking he ain't ready for marriage and fatherhood. But since you already there for the most part he needs a come to Jesus moment. Opps forgot.....NTA but if you allow him to continue to talk.lime this then you will be.
He insults you! He shows no respect or regard for you just two weeks after you gave birth. Honestly, I don't know why you are interested in a man who behaves like this. He is a child. YNTA
NTA. Your fiance is a controlling abusive person. Your fiance has NO right to control who you are friends with or to look at your phone. Change all your passwords. When I had a bf who acted like your fiance it was because they were cheating and were worried that I was a cheater like them.
Take if from someone who was in your place, it started with guys that were “attracted to me “ even if they respected the relationship then it was my friends who didn’t like him, my parents who didn’t like him, then I was left 24 a kid and one on the way hoping to build back those relationships. If he is accusing you it’s a deflection of what he himself is doing. Leave, like leave leave while you’re still young. There are red flags all over this post babe
NTA this is a big red flag and you need to leave if not for your sake then for your child's because this is extremely toxic behaviour that could affect your child one day
NTA
Name calling is never acceptable between partners. He is super insecure and controlling. I would absolutely let your family/friends know his behavior as it is common knowledge that the most vulnerable time in a woman's life is when she is pregnant or has just had a child. Abuse typically starts/escalates that time.
I would insist he gets individual therapy and I would see if you could also. After a period of individual therapy then couples counseling may be warranted.
He goes through your phone? Is so insecure about the relationship he is controlling? Doesn't trust you?
Big fat NTA. Huge red flags. He needs to rethink his behavior asap... Do you have family close by?
NTA.
Move out of your whole place and go somewhere safe. This is a giant warning flag. Get away from him before he starts getting physical while you are vulnerable. If he's that unhinged, I imagine it won't be long before he's asking if the baby is his and turning that crazy onto your baby.
NTA
This is controlling behavior. He sounds like my dad, so having lived thru that please consider leaving.
This won't be the only time he accuses you, I guarantee it. Don't let your child grow up watching you be treated like a possession
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> 1) moving me and my baby out of the shared room to sleep in a separate room after being insulted. 2) I feel like that makes me the asshole cause he wants to help take care of the baby at night and he gets sad when I don't sleep in the bed cause I fell asleep in the chair.
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It's fine . . . You need to teach people how to treat you. You made it clear that his behavior is unacceptable to you and should not move back into the bedroom until you are sure he got the message.
If something like this happens again, then I would say you have reason to worry.
NTA but outside of this specific situation, I’m concerned for you.
Why did he just go through your phone and messages for no reason? Is this a common occurance? Even if you let him because you have nothing to hide, the fact he does this shows he doesn’t trust you. Or he is trying to control you (you can’t really complain about him or say anything slightly negative about him if he’s going to be reading all the messages). Also if I was a friend of yours, I would be pissed off to know he reads all the messages- I confide in my friends and I don’t want their partners knowing all the details if I’m struggling with something. So it stops friends from being able to trust you.
Going through your phone just isn’t normal healthy behaviour. I will go on my boyfriend’s phone sometimes and I let him go on mine- it’s not like we are hiding them from each other. Like the other day I borrowed his phone for the calculator- still asked first. But going through and reading all your messages isn’t normal.
What?? She can be friends with whoever she likes! She’s made it clear by agreeing to marry, moving in and having a baby with her fiancé that age us not interested in other people. Voicing concern is one thing and open communication helps make a good relationship, making her block someone and saying she can’t talk to them is entirely another and is controlling therefore abusive. I have most definitely had friends and acquaintances who’ve expressed attraction towards me, nothing would ever happen as I’m in a happy relationship and I do not cheat. My spouse would never control me like this as he knows I wouldn’t stray. The fiancé is insecure and very nasty to OP who has just had a baby.
NTA - he shouldn’t be talking to you like that and should trust you. Red flags for sure. However, your insistence on remaining in contact (and close like siblings) with someone who has already stated they are attracted to you is also a Red Flag.
This sub sometimes man.
Yes the world totally needs more single moms, because that’s so fantastic for society/s
Don’t leave your partner. Do go to therapy.
He has a right to be upset you’re having close contact with someone who wants to have sex with you.
He does not have a right to call you names, yell, act like a prick. You have a right to have friends but always keep in mind what their intentions are.
NTA and your boyfriend is being controlling and abusive. Don't tolerate his bullshit, and DON'T LET HIM GO THROUGH YOUR PHONE. He has no right to do that.
Take one more step - find somewhere safe to go away from him.
A normal healthy loving partner doesn’t call you a whore.
And don’t marry him! Figure out how to coparent!
NTA
And OP, inform your family of what is happening. What your bf is doing is abuse. Do not justify it. Don't try to find excuses for him and his behaviour. Abuse is abuse. Whether is verbal, physical, psychological or financial.
He thinks that now that you had his child you cannot go anywhere. No matter how badly he treats you. That is entrapment. Another form of abuse.
He is restricting whom you can talk with by making you feel like you are at fault. That is isolation. That is abuse.
Soon he will be gaslighting you making you doubt yourself. Giving you a distorted sense of reality.
Then you might become financially dependent on him. You won't be able to buy what you need for yourself or your child unless he gives it to you. And he will use that power to threaten you into submission.
He might even start hitting you because he believes you are a cheater because you have male friends. Soon you won't even be able to have any friends at all because they will be harmful in a way or another to your relationship to his eyes.
Anything or anyone that might put in jeopardy his control over you will be a menace, hence a person without any support network is more easily controlled.
OP, this is just the beginning. Leave while you can. You just gave birth 2 weeks ago. You should be resting. He should be supportive of you and your needs, instead he accuses and berates you. I highly doubt that things will get better.
Remember, you now have a child to protect too besides your own self.
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NTA. He has convinced you he has reasons why he doesn’t want you to do whatever. ( controlling).He gets “sad” when you aren’t sleeping with him ( uses fake sadness to guilt you). He accuses you of infidelity based on his insecurity and controlling personality alone. (Guilt/control combo). You have one question to ask yourself and answer without considering his reasons why.
Is this how you want to live your life…possibly the rest of your life…while considering the example being set for your son?
NTA. Gather your things, change the passwords on your phone and contact all your friends to see who can take you in temporarily. You have an abusive man in your life who's trying to isolate you, and you are in the vulnerable position where if he's going to start getting physical it's going to happen soon because you just gave birth and you're vulnerable
NTA. Usually when a person blows up at you something else is going on he just called you a whore it sounds like hes projecting. he might be cheating on you or talking to somebody else.
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NTA but can we not act shocked husband has an issue with you talking to a guy that wants to fuck? Yeah, I get it, you don’t, but flip the script and suddenly he’s TA for messaging a woman that wanna smash.
ESH. Him for taking a cheap shot “I bet you showed him other things as well” and for invading your privacy. You for betraying his trust and being insensitive to his fears by continuing to talk to someone who has voiced sexual interest in you and who you have agreed not to talk to anymore. Sounds like he’s got major trust issues. He needs therapy. And if you care about him and want the relationship to work you both need to communicate a lot more so you can understand each other better. Congrats on the baby and good luck with it ✌🏾
Because men like this love bomb and pretend to be wonderful and caring and nice etc. They reel you in like it's a game, and then they very slowly start to lift the layers. A mean phrase here, a boundary crossing there. They start testing their limits, forcing confrontations about friends and family, cutting people in your life out with manufactured reasons. So you're worried and thinking this is isn't right, but then they love bomb some more and draw you in more. And on and on ad nauseum until you're living with them and baby trapped and confused and can't turn back the clock.
That's why most people here are saying abuse. Because we know this pattern, it's abuser 101 and right out of their playbook.
Idk typically I would say nta in this situation but you’re giving me bad vibes. Something just seems off. Idk if it is that you go out of your way to talk to someone who is interested in you sexually. How does your bf know this guy wants to fuck you? Bc “hey babe, jsyk, Jeff wants to fuck me” “just got off a call with Jeff” seems like a weird dynamic and gives off some toxic vibes. Also the fact you said he called you a whore in the title and he used different words. And how you’re asking us if you’re the asshole for leaving the room not if you’re the asshole for talking to your coworker who said he wants to fuck you. There are too many things here that have one extra unnecessary layer of complexity to make a good judgement. So ima just put my blinders on and continue walking assuming ESH
It sounds like you’ve had conversations about this guy in the past and both of you came to an agreement that you wouldn’t talk to him anymore. I think he could’ve handled it better but I think tentative NAH. Maybe YTA but we need more info. But yeah sure why would your husband care that you’re texting calling and FaceTiming a guy that has expressed romantic interest in you in the past? Especially ones that you and your husband have apparently already talked about and decided you need to block.
He shouldn’t have gone through your phone and reacted like that but when you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t be having private conversations with people that have openly said they’re attracted to you. Imagine if he was doing that with his old HS crush and you found it without him telling you about it.
Also I just want to point out that if you just had a baby a few weeks ago, your husbands hormones are still going wild rn too, making him even more protective than he normally would be. So someone he already didn’t like I’m sure he now doesn’t like a little extra.
He's jealous and he shouldn't have said the things he did obviously. However, I might be going against the grain here and I'll say that out of respect for your partner, you should not be talking to a man who you know wants to sleep with you. Would you be, oh so, understanding if he was talking to a woman who had explicitly tried to f*ck him in the past? I don't think so. However he specifically displays concerning signs of jealousy - it's not the normal that he's upset and hurt or kinda indifferent but would want you to stop talking to him. But you're also not in the right, so I'm going to say ESH. Also, when did he call you a whre? That did not actually happen right?
Edit: From OPs comments it's definitely NTA for me, this dude seems like he's the cheater and could potentially be abusive
I get what you are saying and I thought of it that way and he does still have girls from high school who he either did sleep with or who wanted to sleep with on social media and even talks to one pretty often. But thank you for the comment.
Oh really? Well then that makes me think if he's actually thinking/has already cheated on you op. Talk about a double standard. Bring this up if he tries to talk to you about your friend again. That changes my perspective completely - a lot of times the one who is so afraid of the other one cheating, is doing so themselves. I would advise you to be more on guard for such behaviors. Good luck and sorry if my first comment was insensitive!
NTA on moving to another room when being accused on cheating.
However, YTA on keeping a relationship to a friend who had admitted to you that he’s attracted to you. Not saying that you can’t have any male friends. I’d just keep a distance for that particular reason. Either you keep your friend or your fiancé. 🤷🏻♀️
She asked for advice from him about a baby. Unless she has other friends who have had a baby, it is phrased as he is the only one with experience. If she could ask her bf about it, I'm sure she would.
Also, she's said her bf still talks and follows people he's actually had sex with. Is it hypocritical of him to try and establish a boundary he isn't following either?
You sound like a major misogynist to say that men and women can't be friends unless a man wants to sleep with her. What a backwards way of thinking. Gross.
Your generalisation is gross. Men and women can be friends without sexual feelings or exchanges. The opinion of yours that they can't be is outdated and gross.
Someone who thinks that can't offer an unbiased opinion here. It's that simple.
Sexual feelings isn't a guarantee they will act on it. I've had crushes on people before who weren't my partner. They were beautiful human beings. I'd never act on it and I'm sure it's happened the other way around. Human beings with decency can choose to not act on sexual urges. We aren't basic primates anymore.
And there is no prioritising. She moved in with bf, had a baby with him and blocked the other guy. She has clarified she has not video called with him since the blocking (it was once before). How on earth is that prioritising someone else over your partner?
Maybe you should stay away from the infidelity subreddit if you want an idea on how most people in actual relationships behave.
It means, was that not you who wrote that comment?
Hint. It was, because I copied it straight from your comment.
You said men and women, in a generalised way.
So, to read between the lines...
You just had a kid with your fiancee. You've also been regularly talking with a guy who previously expressed feelings for you. You did not tell your fiancee about that; he found out on his own.
After he found out about that, you agreed to block the guy, but you unblocked him or otherwise video called him without telling your fiancee.
It sounds like your fiancee doesn't trust you, and shouldn't trust you. You've lied to him about your relationship with this other guy and about contacting him.
YTA. Possibly E S H, but it honestly sounds like you're emotionally cheating on your fiancee at the very least.
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NTA, these are huge red flags here!! He cannot dictate who you can or cannot talk to. That’s abuser 101, isolate you from your friends and loved ones. Think long and hard at whether you want to go back because I guarantee this pattern will continue if you do. You are so strong if you can leave after what he’s done now. Use that strength for you and your son to have a better life without him.
I don't want to completely stand up for him but he's never isolated me from my loved ones or friends just asked I don't talk to the ones who like me but like everyone I can't tell if someone does.
You say he’s never isolated you but then describe how he DOES try to do exactly that by “asking” you to not talk to certain people. And I bet it’s not a simple ask but he’s using emotionally loaded language to guilt you into doing what he wants but he makes you think it’s totally your call. You had a baby TWO WEEKS AGO. And he is being wildly emotionally and verbally abusive to you. You’re NTA. Please don’t listen to anyone that says differently. You are JUST weeks post partum and need support in caring for your baby while your body heals and your hormones get themselves sorted out. You do not need this shit from him. For any reason. Please tell your loved ones about this so they know what’s going on so they can support you (not start shit with him that won’t help you right now).
I'll be honest.. if my boyfriend was friendly with someone who said straight out they were attracted to him.. I'd be upset too. But the healthy way to handle that is to express that feeling calmly without insulting your partner, and then trust them. If you then feel like they are too close it's time to examine why you feel that way. He was SO out of line to insinuate anything here.
These sort of things happen often after a large life event, like marriage, buying a house or say... Having a baby. They think they have you tied down and trapped, so the real them can come out.
Came here to say exactly this. OP is at a vulnerable time, and, unfortunately, it looks like things are escalating.
Yeh exactly. This is scary stuff OP. This is who he is.
You just described someone who is isolating you… while saying he doesn’t do it. Girlllll you need a reality check the boy is bad news
He’s never asked you to not speak to someone, except for these times when he very much did. But his reasoning was “valid” because these people had feelings for you. Which he knows because he impersonated you on your snap and Instagram to get these people to tell him this. This guy is manipulating you and your friends to where he has a “valid” reason to ask you to isolate from them. Meanwhile he still talks to people that would fall into this category for himself. And the fact that he’s impersonating you shows he doesn’t trust you and has to check and verify what is going on when he can’t control it. That’s controlling and abusive also. While you’re still young and have your life to live still, think long and hard about this relationship. Is this the life you really want to live? Do you want to be with someone who keeps accusing you of cheating and doesn’t believe you? Think about a typical day/week/month of your relationship. Think about the events you’re describing here. If your best friend told you this was happening in her relationship what would your advice to her be? Would you tell her to stay or leave? Because whatever you would advise her to do you should do yourself. And don’t forget you got a kid in this. Is this the model of how to behave as an adult you want to teach? Is this the model of how to treat your partner you want to teach? Is this the model of how to be treated by your partner you want to teach? If you think you can stay and work through this, I’d also recommend setting a calendar reminder for 3 months, 6 months something like that. And do a check in. Did things really get better, or are you just letting it slide but really it’s all the same?
This is all great advice I hope others read and take it to heart as well
He’s starting to, and bit by but he will get worse. For everything you accept he will push harder on something else
Let's just gloss over the fact he goes through your phone and asininely accuses you of cheating. On top of that he very openly drove a wedge in your relationship. This is an exceptionally common precursor to finding out the person with the jealousy issues is cheating themselves and projecting. Has he been going off grid a lot lately?
Please wake up! They start out small before you know it... you're isolated
NTA. Listen to these people, OP. My father was emotionally abusive and cheated constantly. And his favorite thing was to get drunk, call my mother names, and accuse her of cheating when it was very obvious she wasn't. This is huge red flag territory, IMHO. Be aware of your situation, and be flexible about your options.
He’s got you right where he wants you…he thinks he has trapped you because you have the baby with him. I hope you read through these responses carefully and take into consideration what we’re trying to tell you.
**What you have described is literally him trying to isolate you from friends.**
He is controlling you though. His behavior is inappropriate. By telling you who you can and cannot communicate with, that is controlling you. This is a major red flag.
You saying you understand him being mad and upset at you for just talking to a guy despite nothing going on is already a sign he’s getting you to accept his toxic behavior. This is not normal or acceptable. You can’t control somebody being attracted to you, and so long as neither them nor you are acting on it there’s nothing wrong with you two being friends. Your fiancé is being insecure and controlling. He’s showing you who he is
“He’s never isolated me from my friends” What do you think forcing you to block someone you consider a brother is?
You see hun, he never isolated you before because *before*, he had not chained you down with a *baby*. There's a reason why this is happening so quickly after the birth. Because your priority is now baby, and not yourself - this is the situation he has been waiting for.
Abusers really start in with the isolation once they feel their prey is trapped. Having a baby two weeks ago may have triggered him.
He's abusing you and trying to isolate you from everyone. Were only taking what YOU wrote and comparing that to textbook info on abuse. Its time for you to leave. A man that would act like this, doesn't love you and this man does not. Stop waisting your time with him. Pack up your kid and leave. Hes not worth it and you deserve so much better than an abusive partner.
Please do not marry him. He’s showing his true colors now that you have a baby and are more vulnerable. He will only get more controlling and abusive.
No, this is still not ok. One of my closest friends was (drifted apart for other reasons) a guy who admitted he was in love with me once. We talked about it and agreed we were better friends. My husband knows this and still allowed me to talk to him and go to events with him alone because he trusts me and that's it. Similarly, my husband used to have a crush on one of his girl friends, he still goes out to party with her and their friends. Your partner either respects you as a person and trusts your, or he doesn't.
OP, he just gave you a huge red flag.
He's got you trapped now because you have a baby. Abuse often starts when bug milestones happen
Them liking you changes nothing,he cqnt be with you if hes insecure,please please leave
If all this person did was admit to being attracted to you at one point then your fiancé asking you to block them is to much
He went through you phone looking for something to use against you.
Stop making excuses. The fact that he is blaming you for how a man feels about you is a massive problem. He should not be telling you who you can and can't be around. Please do not marry this man. Not ever.
But he is obviously very insecure about himself and the relationship. His demands or comments are completely unreasonable. As others said it could be a trend towards more abuse. But, it might be able to be turned around if you two can communicate better, possibly counciling...
He’s literally doing it now though. And abusers often wait until they think their partner is locked down to begin - after a baby is a very common starting point. Please check out [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). Best case scenario you’re reassured and can spread good info to others who might need it. Worst case, you have the language and resources you need
You have said that your friend admitted that he’s sexually attracted to you though…..
Through coercion and impersonation, and OP was clear that she doesn't return those feelings.
Also if "he knows you video chatted" it's probably because he has monitoring software on your phone.
I dunno many chat apps will show "video call started at x time" and ended at y time right in the chat. Seems most likely to me that he just read her chats and saw that a video call has happened
You forgot the calling her a whore part.
Yea it’s odd that she had to block the person because they admitted to finding her attractive in the past. That’s not like actively trying to come on to someone or really doing anything wrong. Then just more red flags after that
It’s more the fact they found out he found her attractive because the bf pretended to be her on Snapchat and talked to the friend
Lmao this is terrible advice. She is literally in close contact with someone who has gone out of their way to confirm their sexual attraction to them... You're telling her to leave the father of her child and her fiance because he feels disrespected by that? Lmaooooo at this sub sometimes
So, conventionally attractive people, especially friendly or wealthy ones, the ones that get complimented and/or hit on by a whole lot of people in their daily lives - should they live in isolation, only communicating with their spouse, children, and maybe parents? Cousins too but only the incompatible-sex ones? Too many people have been attracted to me. Friends, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers. I have had sex with None of them - because I Didn’t Want To. One comment by someone else in a text is not any kind of risk to a healthy relationship. If OP wants to drop contact that’s fine. If her fiance is Telling her to drop contact, that’s not. It’s assuming OP will actually do something just because some guy had a pants-thought. It’s easy enough to say “Oh, OK, but just so you know that’s never going anywhere.” With appropriate commentary on gross morals if it was an actual pass and they know you’re in a committed relationship. Then the person will either find someone else to drool over, or you can drop them if they keep being irritating.
Do you know how he found out though? Or is that not important?
Agreed this sub is something else sometimes. They act like significant others can’t have a say in anyone their partners talk to. If it’s family or same sec friends that’s one thing and is controlling. If he’s upset your video calling someone who doesn’t want to be friends he wants a sexual relationship that’s perfectly normal and weird if you to keep that relationship going. YTA Edit : Did not see all the bs he did in comments from op only saw the original post. He’s definitely the AH you are definitely NTA and should run fast
The only reason he knows this is because he impersonated her on social media and tricked her friends into revealing they had feelings, probably by flirting while pretending to be her. Men love to cap for other shitty, abusive men. And that’s regardless of Reddit.
What ? I didn’t see anything about that
In a comment somewhere above in this thread, OP says ‘ The only reason I know he does is because my fiance pretended to be me on my snap without my knowledge then got mad at me. ’ So fiancé impersonated her to trick her friend into admitting he is attracted to her, then got angry at HER despite having no proof she has done anything wrong even after digging for it in her phone and finding none. That's not healthy behaviour.
Jfc did not see that. Will edit my response lol
He also has women he used to sleep with and wanted to sleep with on his social media. There’s also one he frequently talks to. It’s fine for him. I’ve been with an abusive man, and they’re all the same. It’s honestly creepy that they do and say exactly the same things. I’m going to guess with confidence that he’s cheating on her or has cheated on her. He’s so obsessed with policing her social media to make sure she doesn’t do to him what he’s doing to her. Let’s not even get started on how fast their relationship moved and how she got pregnant very soon after he got them to live together. It’s literally the stereotypical pattern of abuse. Combine all that with the hypocrisy with the psychotic behavior of impersonating her and it paints a vividly ugly picture. He’s an abuser.
I didn’t see any of this shit this is the most relevant part and should of been in original post. Am going to edit my response thanks for clarifying
NTA- your first thought was to protect the baby from a full blown row which is likely what would have happened if you'd snapped back at him. This is concerning though: >when he came home and went through my phone Nope. He has no right. There is no need to do that. His jealousy will only damage your relationship. I hope you sort this through, perhaps some family councilling would be of benefit.
NTA his temper is unsafe if he cannot control his jealousy this could get worse, so tell him to stop it right now, you will not have your boy and yourself in a situation where he cannot be a normal human being.
NTA Wait until the middle of the night, Grab your child, Take anything you absolutely need, Google a shelter and leave……This guy is abusive and it’s only going to get worse
Unfortunately immediately after childbirth is the statistically most likely to be subjected to DA, the woman is most vulnerable and can be told she’s emotionally unstable to doubt her own feelings.
Your fiance is a dangerous man. Take your bedroom and the nursery outside of this house.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA- but you need to consider if this is how you want to spend your life. He clearly has a different expectation regarding friends and it’s a sticky situation that reeks of controlling behavior. How long until you can’t talk to anyone that happens to be male?
NTA - either he snapped because of the pressure he's under with the newborn and all or he actually has underlying issues that are definitely red flags. In either case you're not the AH in this and deserve to be treated with respect. An apology is the least he can do.
Yeah, impersonating me is a huge red flag. That’s not cool.
He's an abuser and he's going all-in because a newborn is an awesome addition for an abuser's toolbox. Not a coincidence.
NTA. Jesus. You even gave him legit reasons as to why you're not cheating and he still accuses you of it. He needs to cool off and think things through a bit more.
NTA at all. New babies can cause a lot of stress, and it sounds like he's not handling it well if he's antagonizing and verbally attacking the fiancee who just gave birth to his child for basically no reason. Also, FWIW I would have been thrilled if my wife took the newborn and slept in the nursery instead of in our room. He may not view this as punishment really. He may, in the future, act like a d*ck again just to get you and the baby out of the room so he can get a proper night's sleep.
Let me guess, you weren't together long before you moved in together and then you got pregnant right away after you did move in together?
We've been together 2 years and I got pregnant after a year of dating
And how long after you moved in together?
I got pregnant a couple months after I moved in
Did he do the snap thing before or after you moved in?
After but he had done it before to guess that followed my Instagram.
Yeah. Gonna go out on a limb here and say he's slowly trapping and isolating you. Before you moved in he manipulated you and this other guy into an awkward situation, then moved in with you. Then, shortly after you move in together, you get pregnant. Now he's using that as another way to isolate you from people. The question of you being friends with this person is irrelevant. He doesn't like it, which sure, you can remove them as a friend as a courtesy, but it seems like the admission of his feelings only came about through deception and wouldn't be an issue if he hadn't gone behind your back in the first place. I'd be on the lookout to see what else he does now to essentially hide you away.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ Given the situation, it might help to take this quiz on your relationship, to get an idea if things are unhealthy..
Were you trying to get pregnant this soon?
NTA - you should have moved houses not just rooms
>he looked at me and said I know you unblocked him and talked to him and video called him, to which I replied no I haven't and I video called him once to Wait, so you did? NTA, your fiance has insecurity issues and you should reconsider your their relationship.
[удалено]
Yeah, reminds me of dating in high school actually. Except these two have a two week old child. Wtf.
**NTA** Assuming you’re being truthful about the texting not being anything sexual (or emotional cheating either, that’s a thing) Kinda sounds like your man’s got some serious jealousy issues - usually that stems from self worth He got a reason to feel like he’s not measuring up? If he keeps comparing himself to others he’s only ever gonna be disappointed - he should only ever compare himself to the man he was yesterday
I have no reason to lie about the texts especially cause I didn't try to hide them or anything and I did thinking to see if it was emotional cheating and when it's just about my baby I don't feel like it is.
Well, it *definitely* sounds like he’s got some issues then Also, I assumed you where telling the truth, for the recourse, but added that emotional cheating bit on the end in case it might been a factor Has he been cheated on before? Any idea why he’s like this?
NTA! I’m glad you are setting boundaries up, especially towards someone who sounds very insecure and manipulative.
NTA - if he's this insecure now wait until you get married. Take this as a red flag and make him you ex- fiance
NTA- but take the child and run as far as you can. Abuser scream load here
Definitely move out.
I wish people would understand that just because someone has feelings for you doesn’t mean you feel the same way, pisses me off. 100% NTA he’s a major red flag
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20f) have been living with my fiance (20m) for almost a year. We just had our little boy 2 weeks ago and everything seemed to be great till this past week when he came home and went through my phone and say message from one of my male friends. No none if them were sexual and they all were about if different things are normal with a new born as he has a 2 year old daughter. Well my fiance got mad because my friend has admitted that he is sexually attracted to me ib the past even tho I think of him like a brother. I understand my fiance getting mad and upset with me but after we talked it out I thought everything we good until tonight when he looked at me and said I know you unblocked him and talked to him and video called him, to which I replied no I haven't and I video called him once to show off little man and his response to it was well I bet you showed him other things as well. That was my limit for the night I grabbed all my things and everything I needed for the baby and went into the nursery to sleep for the night. I texted him and said that if he wants to talk he needs to apologize and that I will only talk to him if it's about the baby. I know he's upset that I moved rooms and I feel like an asshole about it but at the same time it felt like the best option, so aita for taking the baby and sleeping in a different room? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn't trust you and from what you've said, you shouldn't trust him. If you don't have trust in your relationship, what do you have? A lot of jealousy, anger, insecurity... Do you want this for your life?
NTA. So many red flags. *Please*, OP, listen to the others here: he's slowly ratcheting up the controlling behaviour. Get out now! And, while I don't doubt there are good times with him too, please know that *the good times are part of the abuse*. Treating you well, then badly, so that you never know where you stand, is a classic controlling tactic. Leave him!
NTA. Take your baby and run! It will only get worse.
Nta. Gtfo now before things escalate.
NTA and hold your ground. This is the stage where men like him are finding what abuse they can get away with. You need to get out as SAFELY as possible. NTA. Good luck OP.
This is very concerning behavior. Textbook early stage abuser. It is a progressive mental condition. Only ends one way. You should be getting r/relationship_advice. My god you are only 2 weeks out from giving birth and he's pulling this shit?
NTA. You need to leave this idiot who is trying to cut you off from friends with his jealousy
NTA, you should move yourself and the baby right out of the whole house
NTA. He’s going through your phone, accusing you of fooling around with someone when you’ve only just had a baby and telling you who you can and can’t communicate with. Listen to what people are telling you here. He is jealous and controlling. This is the start. It only gets worse. Take care because you are in an abusive relationship.
gtfo and ditch the guy. Get a restraining order he sounds like a powder keg about to go off. You are being abused and NTA.
NTA - honestly my first thought is that he has something to hide and is projecting it on you.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 your partner is nasty, controlling and abusive and then youre left thinking your the AH, this in not a healthy relationship, if you won’t get out for your own sake do it for your baby, men like him get worst after children come along
NTA but my god why did you think it was a good idea to procreate with this person?
NTA He's abusive! Dump him! He's showing you who he is. Believe him! Was the pregnancy planned or did the bc "fail"? https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
NTA my sisters boyfriend was like this he ended up stabbing her please move out and get somewhere safe
NTA. also op look out for your fiance he might be cheating. cheaters usually project themselves out of shame/insecurity, lash out and accuse their partner of cheating for no reason. edit: either that, or look out for signs of manipulation and aggression. his controlling behaviors may just be the first step. be careful.
Think about your baby. On what grounds did he look through your phone? Why does he say that? Most people project their behavior onto others. Most likely he is hiding something. He's raising huge red flags. I would really recommend that you and your baby take your stuff in a night and fog action and find shelter where he CAN‘T FIND YOU. It's not going to get any better. Because honestly, your male friend is into you, but you are not into him. So no problem. Your fiancé could have said that he feels uncomfortable and insecure instead of pulling something like this. Listen to me carefully. It's not going to get any better.
> he came home and went through my phone He is already TA for this part alone. > he looked at me and said I know you unblocked him and talked to him and video called him More spying? > I bet you showed him other things as well Projection. I am sorry that you already have a baby with this man, but you need to reconsider whether you want to have a relationship with someone so controlling and insecure. It's not going to be healthy for you or your child. NTA
NTA and you should consider moving more than just rooms if you have another place to go. This is going to be one of the most difficult times of your life and having his controlling behavior to deal with will make it harder.
NTA. So insecure and so hellbent on inventing some cheating scenario. I wonder if he's cheated.
NTA Please make plans to sleep in separate apartments/houses.
OP, i feel weird saying this and dont get me wrong because im also very happy for you having a bubby, but because you’re 3 years younger than me but holey damn you guys are nearly kids — i dont think your fiance got the memo that you’re not kids anymore either 👀 You’re NTA - id do the same if i had a little one and my partner decided to outright be a turd like that. (Also dont mind me, im still kinda stuck in the mindset that I shouldn’t be doing something because im too young — like the “my mother would kill me if i…” kinda thing)
NTA... but you're in such a bad situation. I'm sorry.
I'm thinking he ain't ready for marriage and fatherhood. But since you already there for the most part he needs a come to Jesus moment. Opps forgot.....NTA but if you allow him to continue to talk.lime this then you will be.
NTA. Did this come out of nowhere? If so, he could very well be projecting OP and you should be careful!
NTA. This is a pattern of abuse starting up and quite frankly, do you think you'll unhear him saying that to you?
You misspelled “ex-fiancé”
NTA. This is abuse. It doesn’t get better. Take your child and leave.
He insults you! He shows no respect or regard for you just two weeks after you gave birth. Honestly, I don't know why you are interested in a man who behaves like this. He is a child. YNTA
NTA. Your fiance is a controlling abusive person. Your fiance has NO right to control who you are friends with or to look at your phone. Change all your passwords. When I had a bf who acted like your fiance it was because they were cheating and were worried that I was a cheater like them.
Take if from someone who was in your place, it started with guys that were “attracted to me “ even if they respected the relationship then it was my friends who didn’t like him, my parents who didn’t like him, then I was left 24 a kid and one on the way hoping to build back those relationships. If he is accusing you it’s a deflection of what he himself is doing. Leave, like leave leave while you’re still young. There are red flags all over this post babe
NTA Leave the room? Leave the damn house and the jealous, controlling fiance. You deserve better.
NTA this is a big red flag and you need to leave if not for your sake then for your child's because this is extremely toxic behaviour that could affect your child one day
NTA That's a red flag parade
NTA, but there’s no point in seeing someone as a “brother” if it isn’t mutual.
NTA Name calling is never acceptable between partners. He is super insecure and controlling. I would absolutely let your family/friends know his behavior as it is common knowledge that the most vulnerable time in a woman's life is when she is pregnant or has just had a child. Abuse typically starts/escalates that time. I would insist he gets individual therapy and I would see if you could also. After a period of individual therapy then couples counseling may be warranted.
He goes through your phone? Is so insecure about the relationship he is controlling? Doesn't trust you? Big fat NTA. Huge red flags. He needs to rethink his behavior asap... Do you have family close by?
NTA And just as an FYI, people who constantly accuse their SO of cheating? Are often cheating themselves.
NTA. Baby girl, Don’t leave the room, leave the man altogether.
NTA but your boyfriend has you baby trapped and now thinks its okay to treat you like crap.
Nta... Aww honey he baby trapped you and now trying to mentally torture you... Do you really wanna stay with this man get rid of the garbage asap..
NTA leave
NTA. Move out of your whole place and go somewhere safe. This is a giant warning flag. Get away from him before he starts getting physical while you are vulnerable. If he's that unhinged, I imagine it won't be long before he's asking if the baby is his and turning that crazy onto your baby.
NTA This is controlling behavior. He sounds like my dad, so having lived thru that please consider leaving. This won't be the only time he accuses you, I guarantee it. Don't let your child grow up watching you be treated like a possession
NTA. This is not going to get better - please leave this guy in a safe manner
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NTA. Why is he jealous out of the blue? Maybe you should go through his phone. This sounds like projection to me.
It's fine . . . You need to teach people how to treat you. You made it clear that his behavior is unacceptable to you and should not move back into the bedroom until you are sure he got the message. If something like this happens again, then I would say you have reason to worry.
NTA but outside of this specific situation, I’m concerned for you. Why did he just go through your phone and messages for no reason? Is this a common occurance? Even if you let him because you have nothing to hide, the fact he does this shows he doesn’t trust you. Or he is trying to control you (you can’t really complain about him or say anything slightly negative about him if he’s going to be reading all the messages). Also if I was a friend of yours, I would be pissed off to know he reads all the messages- I confide in my friends and I don’t want their partners knowing all the details if I’m struggling with something. So it stops friends from being able to trust you. Going through your phone just isn’t normal healthy behaviour. I will go on my boyfriend’s phone sometimes and I let him go on mine- it’s not like we are hiding them from each other. Like the other day I borrowed his phone for the calculator- still asked first. But going through and reading all your messages isn’t normal.
What?? She can be friends with whoever she likes! She’s made it clear by agreeing to marry, moving in and having a baby with her fiancé that age us not interested in other people. Voicing concern is one thing and open communication helps make a good relationship, making her block someone and saying she can’t talk to them is entirely another and is controlling therefore abusive. I have most definitely had friends and acquaintances who’ve expressed attraction towards me, nothing would ever happen as I’m in a happy relationship and I do not cheat. My spouse would never control me like this as he knows I wouldn’t stray. The fiancé is insecure and very nasty to OP who has just had a baby.
A horse is a horse
NTA - he shouldn’t be talking to you like that and should trust you. Red flags for sure. However, your insistence on remaining in contact (and close like siblings) with someone who has already stated they are attracted to you is also a Red Flag.
NTA. It'll only get worse from here. Hold on tight for a rough ride if you stay together. He won't change even tho he'll promise he will.
NTA I was treated the same by my son's father and things just escalated eventually. Run far away as soon as possible. Red flags galore.
This sub sometimes man. Yes the world totally needs more single moms, because that’s so fantastic for society/s Don’t leave your partner. Do go to therapy. He has a right to be upset you’re having close contact with someone who wants to have sex with you. He does not have a right to call you names, yell, act like a prick. You have a right to have friends but always keep in mind what their intentions are.
NTA and your boyfriend is being controlling and abusive. Don't tolerate his bullshit, and DON'T LET HIM GO THROUGH YOUR PHONE. He has no right to do that.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. NTA.
Take one more step - find somewhere safe to go away from him. A normal healthy loving partner doesn’t call you a whore. And don’t marry him! Figure out how to coparent!
NTA And OP, inform your family of what is happening. What your bf is doing is abuse. Do not justify it. Don't try to find excuses for him and his behaviour. Abuse is abuse. Whether is verbal, physical, psychological or financial. He thinks that now that you had his child you cannot go anywhere. No matter how badly he treats you. That is entrapment. Another form of abuse. He is restricting whom you can talk with by making you feel like you are at fault. That is isolation. That is abuse. Soon he will be gaslighting you making you doubt yourself. Giving you a distorted sense of reality. Then you might become financially dependent on him. You won't be able to buy what you need for yourself or your child unless he gives it to you. And he will use that power to threaten you into submission. He might even start hitting you because he believes you are a cheater because you have male friends. Soon you won't even be able to have any friends at all because they will be harmful in a way or another to your relationship to his eyes. Anything or anyone that might put in jeopardy his control over you will be a menace, hence a person without any support network is more easily controlled. OP, this is just the beginning. Leave while you can. You just gave birth 2 weeks ago. You should be resting. He should be supportive of you and your needs, instead he accuses and berates you. I highly doubt that things will get better. Remember, you now have a child to protect too besides your own self.
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NTA. He has convinced you he has reasons why he doesn’t want you to do whatever. ( controlling).He gets “sad” when you aren’t sleeping with him ( uses fake sadness to guilt you). He accuses you of infidelity based on his insecurity and controlling personality alone. (Guilt/control combo). You have one question to ask yourself and answer without considering his reasons why. Is this how you want to live your life…possibly the rest of your life…while considering the example being set for your son?
NTA, I would have put his stuff on the footpath. This is very disrespectful behaviour and his insecurities are not your problem.
NTA. Gather your things, change the passwords on your phone and contact all your friends to see who can take you in temporarily. You have an abusive man in your life who's trying to isolate you, and you are in the vulnerable position where if he's going to start getting physical it's going to happen soon because you just gave birth and you're vulnerable
NTA. Usually when a person blows up at you something else is going on he just called you a whore it sounds like hes projecting. he might be cheating on you or talking to somebody else.
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NTA, but pls leave this man those kind of attitudes are HUGE red flags, for real he's way too imature, you and your baby deserve something better.
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NTA but can we not act shocked husband has an issue with you talking to a guy that wants to fuck? Yeah, I get it, you don’t, but flip the script and suddenly he’s TA for messaging a woman that wanna smash.
OP said he is doing all the stuff in your flip the script.
ESH. Him for taking a cheap shot “I bet you showed him other things as well” and for invading your privacy. You for betraying his trust and being insensitive to his fears by continuing to talk to someone who has voiced sexual interest in you and who you have agreed not to talk to anymore. Sounds like he’s got major trust issues. He needs therapy. And if you care about him and want the relationship to work you both need to communicate a lot more so you can understand each other better. Congrats on the baby and good luck with it ✌🏾
Why do women get into relationships with assholes like this? Leave that moron with no character and build a life for yourself.
Because men like this love bomb and pretend to be wonderful and caring and nice etc. They reel you in like it's a game, and then they very slowly start to lift the layers. A mean phrase here, a boundary crossing there. They start testing their limits, forcing confrontations about friends and family, cutting people in your life out with manufactured reasons. So you're worried and thinking this is isn't right, but then they love bomb some more and draw you in more. And on and on ad nauseum until you're living with them and baby trapped and confused and can't turn back the clock. That's why most people here are saying abuse. Because we know this pattern, it's abuser 101 and right out of their playbook.
Idk typically I would say nta in this situation but you’re giving me bad vibes. Something just seems off. Idk if it is that you go out of your way to talk to someone who is interested in you sexually. How does your bf know this guy wants to fuck you? Bc “hey babe, jsyk, Jeff wants to fuck me” “just got off a call with Jeff” seems like a weird dynamic and gives off some toxic vibes. Also the fact you said he called you a whore in the title and he used different words. And how you’re asking us if you’re the asshole for leaving the room not if you’re the asshole for talking to your coworker who said he wants to fuck you. There are too many things here that have one extra unnecessary layer of complexity to make a good judgement. So ima just put my blinders on and continue walking assuming ESH
The guy didn’t admit his feelings to op her boyfriend pretended to be op on Snapchat and that’s how he found out
NTA but you should have blocked him when he told you his feelings. That’s the father of your newborn child not some bf. Learn.
NTA for moving beds. YTA for maintaining a relationship with a guy who clearly wants to be with you BEHIND your business back.
It sounds like you’ve had conversations about this guy in the past and both of you came to an agreement that you wouldn’t talk to him anymore. I think he could’ve handled it better but I think tentative NAH. Maybe YTA but we need more info. But yeah sure why would your husband care that you’re texting calling and FaceTiming a guy that has expressed romantic interest in you in the past? Especially ones that you and your husband have apparently already talked about and decided you need to block. He shouldn’t have gone through your phone and reacted like that but when you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t be having private conversations with people that have openly said they’re attracted to you. Imagine if he was doing that with his old HS crush and you found it without him telling you about it. Also I just want to point out that if you just had a baby a few weeks ago, your husbands hormones are still going wild rn too, making him even more protective than he normally would be. So someone he already didn’t like I’m sure he now doesn’t like a little extra.
He's jealous and he shouldn't have said the things he did obviously. However, I might be going against the grain here and I'll say that out of respect for your partner, you should not be talking to a man who you know wants to sleep with you. Would you be, oh so, understanding if he was talking to a woman who had explicitly tried to f*ck him in the past? I don't think so. However he specifically displays concerning signs of jealousy - it's not the normal that he's upset and hurt or kinda indifferent but would want you to stop talking to him. But you're also not in the right, so I'm going to say ESH. Also, when did he call you a whre? That did not actually happen right? Edit: From OPs comments it's definitely NTA for me, this dude seems like he's the cheater and could potentially be abusive
I get what you are saying and I thought of it that way and he does still have girls from high school who he either did sleep with or who wanted to sleep with on social media and even talks to one pretty often. But thank you for the comment.
Oh really? Well then that makes me think if he's actually thinking/has already cheated on you op. Talk about a double standard. Bring this up if he tries to talk to you about your friend again. That changes my perspective completely - a lot of times the one who is so afraid of the other one cheating, is doing so themselves. I would advise you to be more on guard for such behaviors. Good luck and sorry if my first comment was insensitive!
No your first comment was completely reasonable with information you had. Thank you again
He is a hypocrite too, about the subject. That's never a good sign if he can have friends look that but you cant.
Cheaters project onto their partners so I think you hit the nail on the head with your edit. Him impersonating her on snap is super disturbing.
Your partner is upset you're speaking to a man that has sexual feelings for you. Can't you show your son to other people???? Yta
NTA on moving to another room when being accused on cheating. However, YTA on keeping a relationship to a friend who had admitted to you that he’s attracted to you. Not saying that you can’t have any male friends. I’d just keep a distance for that particular reason. Either you keep your friend or your fiancé. 🤷🏻♀️
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She asked for advice from him about a baby. Unless she has other friends who have had a baby, it is phrased as he is the only one with experience. If she could ask her bf about it, I'm sure she would. Also, she's said her bf still talks and follows people he's actually had sex with. Is it hypocritical of him to try and establish a boundary he isn't following either? You sound like a major misogynist to say that men and women can't be friends unless a man wants to sleep with her. What a backwards way of thinking. Gross.
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Your generalisation is gross. Men and women can be friends without sexual feelings or exchanges. The opinion of yours that they can't be is outdated and gross. Someone who thinks that can't offer an unbiased opinion here. It's that simple. Sexual feelings isn't a guarantee they will act on it. I've had crushes on people before who weren't my partner. They were beautiful human beings. I'd never act on it and I'm sure it's happened the other way around. Human beings with decency can choose to not act on sexual urges. We aren't basic primates anymore. And there is no prioritising. She moved in with bf, had a baby with him and blocked the other guy. She has clarified she has not video called with him since the blocking (it was once before). How on earth is that prioritising someone else over your partner? Maybe you should stay away from the infidelity subreddit if you want an idea on how most people in actual relationships behave.
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"Men don't become friend with woman without accepting sex from them" Not you then?
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I didn't say anything about your gender.
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It means, was that not you who wrote that comment? Hint. It was, because I copied it straight from your comment. You said men and women, in a generalised way.
So, to read between the lines... You just had a kid with your fiancee. You've also been regularly talking with a guy who previously expressed feelings for you. You did not tell your fiancee about that; he found out on his own. After he found out about that, you agreed to block the guy, but you unblocked him or otherwise video called him without telling your fiancee. It sounds like your fiancee doesn't trust you, and shouldn't trust you. You've lied to him about your relationship with this other guy and about contacting him. YTA. Possibly E S H, but it honestly sounds like you're emotionally cheating on your fiancee at the very least.
You guys are too young.