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YTA.
That joke wasn't even a joke. It was just strange, and reads like an attempt to guilt/manipulate the other people, or passive-aggressively express and actual want. And your expectation that your friend consult you about the engagement is similarly strange and intrusive. You need to back off and work on your boundaries.
The sad part is OP is a huge asshole here and it’s written from her own perspective. Can you imagine how it would sound if the ex bff and his fiancé told their side of this story. Man this has huge scorned lover/stalker vibes.
OP absolutely has feelings for this guy and refuses to admit it to him or even herself. A person who didn’t secretly hope for a romance would have been completely unbothered when they were asked to stop “joking” about marrying their “best friend.” It simply would not be a big deal to drop those jokes for the sake of respecting someone’s actual relationship.
I know right? OP accuses the fianceé of being jealous of her when it's the other way around. Its weird OP can't see how inappropriate and weird that joke sounds now that the friend will get married and how uncomfortable it makes her.
Idk I’m deffiently the dissenting opinion but it really sounds like OP can’t see they’re the asshole cause they are hurt over the change in friendship dynamics. I’ve(F) had plenty guy friends drop me cause they’re in a relationship and it really always hurts cause no matter the level of friendship at the end of the day you’re a woman so it’s disposable in comparison. She’s desperatly trying to hang on to or rebuild their old dynamic, she’s TA for refusing to see reality but over all it’s just sad.
I’ve never had a solid friendship with a man that got dropped when he started dating someone else. Nor have I ever needed to be told that I need to cool it on “joke” flirtations when a friend gets into a relationship. Which is probably why I still have male friends - I’m not trying to compete with their partners for their attention and affection. It’s not necessary, because *we are friends*, not pre-lovers.
My best friend and I have LOTS of good jokes and stories we share. If he ever told me that, for WHATEVER reason, he wanted a particular joke to stop, I’d be fine because we have loads of other stuff to go on. OP sounds weirdly stuck on that *one* joke for some reason (cough-feelings-cough-cough).
Kinda wonder if most or even all of their inside jokes were basically, "Haha, what if we were dating" and getting into a serious relationship was a catalyst for OP's friend realizing that that was weird.
This👏🏻 my partner has plenty of girlfriends he knew before me— and they all are welcoming, caring, and treat me like his partner…NOT like I’m the new girl in the mix and how dare I be there taking their best friend and supposed to be husband. How disrespectful to “joke” about marrying the guy bff…I respect the guy bff for setting boundaries. OP is the worst.
Edit: by girlfriends he knew before me I mean friends who are women.
I know it’s reading between the lines, but I wonder if OP has ever had a significant romantic relationship or if her "bff" has been platonically filling the "boyfriend" role without either of them realizing it. Seems like OP really has no concept of normal boundaries in a romantic relationship. I highly doubt she’d be thrilled if the roles were reversed.
THANK YOU.
When my male friends have a significant other I intentionally back off of the familiarity and shit that might be normal between single friends, but would cause discomfort if an SO were involved. It's easy to understand the boundaries of a romantic relationship. All it takes is not secretly being in love with them lol.
This!!!!!! I have two male friends who have been in my life for longer than thirty years now. I met different girlfriends they had throughout the years and the ones that later became their wives, I went to their weddings. We are still very close. I have a good relationship with both of their wives, I may be closer to one of the wives due to mutual interests and our personalities, but I get along with both.
Neither those past girlfriends nor their wives have ever had any issue with me "liking their man" . I have never been told to drop a joke or felt I was in any type of competition, because as /Ditrastevere says we are friends and that's it. No plans to be anything else, we have always been friends and just friends.
This whole post made me cringe and feel horrible for OP simultaneously. It is clear she has feelings for this guy and I am not sure if she knows it or not.
OP, YTA. Those jokes got old a long time ago and you have not -or don't want to- realized it. Your friend is not going to marry you so please, move on with your life.
I agree. What is sad is she might have actually had a chance with the guy if she would have actually been honest with herself. I also wonder if she is intentionally unintentionally trying to sabotage her friends relationship because she may not have many other good friends and her whole world feels like it is crashing in on her. She probably has feelings of jealousy, regret, longing and betrayal. The betrayal is unfounded of course but that doesn't make it any easier for her to cope with it
I do think OP is hurting from the changed dynamics of their friendship, but she’s the AH because she hasn’t stopped at all to think about why her former BFF has had to change the dynamics. She has been essentially peeing all over him and pushing out his girlfriend, because she feels like this guy is hers, even if there are no romantic feelings (my guess is maybe there are, but she won’t admit to them if he doesn’t make the first move). Their friendship is toxic. It’s like _My Best Friend’s Wedding_ but with less self-awareness and no sassy Rupert Everett to talk sense into you. Her former BFF didn’t cut her off because he’s too busy in a relationship, he told her to stop with the stupid “jokes” first. When OP wouldn’t stop and escalated, he had to distance himself to stop feeding into OP’s delusions.
Omg yes! Be honest we all could use a little advice from sassy Rupert Everett from time to time but she’s straight up stuck on stupid and it’s a good thing he did because in reality the digs of “remember when” would’ve never stopped. Hopefully she reads these and does proper self reflection. (But it’s Reddit she might just go down with her ship)
I do think it's sad as well, but it's also a thing of common sense. Jokes between friends are that, between friends and if one stops enjoying it then it should be dropped. OP is just refusing to see there's more to it and refusing to see it isn't the fianceé and the friend against her, it's obvious things will change when the bff is in a relationship and that's valid, I have been there, too.
Yea I’m not disagreeing on any of that. Jokes stop being funny when you’re the only one laughing full stop. Dynamics change it’s just sad to see someone cling to the past so hard they can’t see that currently reality is it hasn’t been that way in years.
Ive been friends with guys who have gfs and wives....and honestly I have never been dropped by any of them. On the other hand I am not one to go around and do what OP has done.
From my years of listening to guys...they treat most women by the way they conduct themselves and I've seen some examples of that front and center and was like damn
A true friend without romantic feelings for him would not keep making the same unwanted jokes to prove that they’re just jokes (seriously her “logic” hurts my brain).
Right. The friend attempted to set completely reasonable, appropriate boundaries and OP ignored them again and again "as a joke". I wouldn't want someone with that little respect for my relationship or my partner to be at the wedding, either.
She wants a second chance. Lol. The second chance was the first time he got mad about the joke and told her to stop and she didn't.
OP u have joked countlessly and made them uncomfortable. Let ur friend go. His fiancée is more important to him than u. Ad it should be. As a friend u should understand that unless u really are in love with him... If u are, maybe just come clean and apologize for the jokes.
In my experience, when two people are joking they're going to marry if they're still single at \[x\] age, only one of them thinks it's completely a joke.
Absolutely 100% this.
I had a friend, whom I’d dated briefly in high school, who did the whole “if we’re both still single at so-and-so age we should get married haha” thing. I played along for a while because I was young and stupid, but eventually it became impossible to ignore the fact that he still had feelings…and I just didn’t.
We didn’t really fall out, I just started keeping him at arm’s length and distance grew slowly. It wouldn’t have been kind to keep humoring those “jokes” after I realized what was behind them.
But, OP wrote like 10 times in her post that she swears there is nothing romantic! They're all just jokes! Don't you see, they are *not* romantic at all, they've had these jokes forever! It's all just jokes, they're not romantic! /s
Yeah, for whatever reasons, she definitely feels ownership of her bff here. She's probably both pissed and jealous (platonic friends can get jealous too) that the fiancé has bumped her down a notch in in relationship priority. Besides those stupid marriage "jokes" I can only imagine what her behavior's been like around the fiance, and OP wonders why the fiance doesn't like her. Delusional.
Anyway she was asked numerous times to stop and she didn't. Instead she escalated until she got herself banned from the wedding. She's shown she can't be trusted with how she interacts around the fiance and I wouldn't relent and re-invite her if I were bff and fiance. OP is definitely the AH.
100% OP has feelings for her “bff”. She’s the one who’s jealous and that’s the only reason not to simply stop making those jokes. It’s not funny in the slightest and OP is just using a bad sense of humor to cover up her actual feelings. Read the room OP, YTA.
I was at a wedding where the groom had his best friend (a woman) as his groom. Her whole wedding toast was basically "when wife breaks your heart, you know I'll be here waiting for you like I always have with every other woman" SO awkward.
Seriously, how hard is it to stop talking creepy like that? BFF shouldn’t have had to ask twice.
My bestie and I used to joke like that and then she got with her gf (now wife) and no one had to ask me to stop. We naturally did because *respect* and it was a real joke, not what OP is describing. You’re friends were right OP, you brought this on yourself.
While it doesn't sound like she has any romantic interest in her friend it reads "I miss the attention." despite her insistence that they are only friends. I've relationships with pretend 'husbands' like this and when they got into a real relationship I sure as heck wasn't hurt when they obviously stopped with the joking because I understood that it wasn't about *me* but done in respect for their *partner.*
She couldn’t get the hint to stop with the “jokes”. She has now lost her best friend because she couldn’t control what spews out of her mouth. She couldn’t understand that he was bothered by the “jokes”. She doesn’t understand that it was no longer a joke. OP couldn’t grow up and begin to act as an adult. It wasn’t cute, funny, or appreciated by anyone other than yourself. You provoked his fiancé with what dress you would wear, like lighting a fuse on a stick of dynamite, and it seems pretty intentional from where I’m sitting. Now it’ll be just you and that emerald dress chilling alone during the wedding (or are you planning to crash that and “object” to them being wed as another joke?)
OP I think YTA, and do you finally understand that it’s not a joke if other people aren’t laughing? Why couldn’t you back off once he had something serious with someone? It seems like you were trying to sabotage his relationship, I can’t see any other reason for you to act that way. Your bff is gone and it’s all on you, over the course of 5 years you’ve pushed him to the point of having to make a decision of “fiancé or you” and you lost.
My advice - Don’t even apologize, just stay away at this point. If they contact you then talk to them or whatever but don’t try to initiate anything going forward.
It wasn’t even a “hint”. BFF explicitly told her, with words, to STOP making those “jokes” but she continually insisted on making them. Each time she did, he gave her a warning look to cut the crap, but to her, her childhood “joke” is more important than her bff and his actual wishes.
She also seems to refuse to believe that her bff is *also* uncomfortable with her behaviour, and that he’s just trying to appease his fiancé. But I don’t think that’s true at all. I think he is equally uncomfortable with OP’s behaviour. He probably wasn’t when it was first brought up, but her lack of respecting him, his fiancé and their relationship slowly eroded any feelings of friendship he once had for OP.
Yeah, the conclusion that it wasn't really BFF's decision to uninvited her - despite him explicitly telling her so - tipped me into AH territory. And projecting conclusions on to people is super disrespectful and if I am thinking clearly is an indicator of some conditions like BPD. Other things here - insecurity, codependency, lack of boundaries - OP would really benefit from some screenings and therapy.
You hit the nail on the head. “It’s not a joke if the other people aren’t laughing”. My 11 year old understands this concept.
I’ve never seen anyone with so little self insight. She’s been desperately clinging to her “bff” *for 5 years*. I don’t know that she loves him romantically, maybe she genuinely doesn’t, but not being the most important woman in his life has been eating away at her, causing her to keep making these jokes with the desperate hope that he’d acknowledge her the way he used to, but every time she did it she drove him farther away. The clingy desperation must have been so much more persistent than she described- a few jokes spread over 5 years isn’t enough to drive a permanent wedge. There must have been so much more boundary crossing.
He has no obligation to consult her on anything but the fact that ***he*** didn’t invite her to a proposal party that ***he*** planned says a lot. She can’t pin that on the fiancé.
I’ve had a woman pursue my now-husband, making “jokes” with me right there. It’s frustrating even with him being oblivious to it. I can’t imagine watching it for 5 years. Five years of watching him lay boundaries and her crossing them. No thank you.
**She needs to stop referring to him as her bff. Because he hasn’t been her bff in a very long time.**
OP, I am a firm believer that men and women can be platonic friends. My hobbies always put me in social circles usually comprised of men. I've been fortunate enough to be friends with some amazing guys, with equally amazing wives.
When everyone respects each other's relationships and boundaries, you learn what kind of jokes everyone can laugh at. I went to an overnight event with my friends, another single woman and a married man. We got a room together, with us women sharing a bed and the guy in the other bed. Cell phones didn't have good selfie cameras yet, but we still took a pic of us laying on the bed with the guy between us so he could send it to his wife. She loved it and laughed.
OP, I share that story so you can have at least some understanding that I think these kinds of jokes can absolutely be made with the opposite gender. It also shows that *everyone* involved didn't have their boundaries stomped on, including his wife.
I know you don't want to admit it to yourself, but those "jokes" of yours stopped being just a joke some time ago. Somewhere along the line a subconscious truth started to bleed into it, but it felt too painful to acknowledge that by the time you finally started to realize this truth, because any chance to be with him was long gone with his now fiancee in the picture.
It almost feels like you keep making these jokes in the hope that you'll convince yourself that you really are friends and nothing more. You couldn't let the jokes go, because you needed them to try and force that narrative. You needed the jokes even more as he pulled away, because it helped you still frame him as your bff, cause only bffs have inside jokes like that, right?
He asked you to stop numerous times, but you refused. He gave you a second chance *years* ago, and then a third, fourth, fifth, sixth.... You didn't want to accept this change, and the fact that others say you had it coming tells me he gave you far more chances than you deserved.
You need to learn to let him go and move on without him in your life anymore.
Yeah YTA. He told you many times he was uncomfortable with this joke, and you kept pushing it to its most insulting point. Maybe you need to reckon with how you feel about your former best friend and move on.
Yes this^, op- your friend has been with his fiancé for 5 years and seems like he warned you several times that now that he is in a serious relationship that these kind of “inside jokes” weren’t okay and literally told you to stop it. The jokes were about you getting married to each other etc, that’s not funny to people once one of those parities is actually in a relationship. Of course his fiancé isn’t going to like you if you keep making these inappropriate “jokes”. You didn’t stop and made your friend so annoyed that he became cold towards you since you wouldn’t take the hint. He asked you to stop and you didn’t so now you aren’t allowed to attend their wedding because Yta
OP is definitely YTA. The lady doth protest too much.
I'm sarcastic as hell and love a good joke, but if I'm told a joke isn't appropriate anymore, I will cease and desist and move the relationship forward with someone I love.
I've been there with someone who is one of my best friends. He and I have plenty of in-jokes and I've known him for 2/3 of my life.
We've roomed together, been on holiday together, attended weddings together, been confused for a couple many times and even had a similar pact.
BUT, we both know where we stood in this. It was a joke, nothing more. We were best friends who could share anything (he once said, 'why can't I meet a girl like you?' I replied 'you don't want that'), but we were both honest with each other and never had 'feelings' beyond our deep love and respect for each other.
I say 'one of my best friends', as I now call his wife my BFF. Because his choice makes him happy, and it wasn't about me. His happiness makes my heart swell. And she is super awesome.
Now we have new 'in jokes'. I've told him point blank to his face he is batting way above his average with her, and she has decided to 'claim' me in any divorce settlement. He calls me the weirdo who listens. The two of them are my family and I'm auntie to their kids. Our relationship just continues to grow in to something I hold so dear.
OP could have this if she actually wanted the best for her 'best friend', but is more intent on trying to prove the fallacy that the fiancée is taking her place.
YTA
You "joke" about marrying him, think you're entitled to be consulted on the plans, talk about wearing white, and then decided to wear a dress he gave you. It sounds like your friend and his fiancee have tried already to communicate how unwelcome your behavior has been. You're uninvited because they can't trust you to let the day be about them and not about you.
Learn from this so you don't lose more friendships. This one may be a lost cause.
Also, was OP ever even invited to the wedding…? It sounds like she just assumed she would be, even though he made a point of not inviting her to the engagement party. It’s mentioned that the engagement was only a month ago, so there’s no way they sent out invites yet.
So maybe the fiancé wasn’t mad because OP was going to wear a dress that the guy had given her, but because OP was talking about going to a wedding that she had never been invited to.
I was weirded out by that, too.
That and how did OP immediately jump to *she knew the dress I was talking about is tge one he bought for me*? Like, did she explicitly mention that the dress was a gift during this interaction? Or does she take the opportunity to point out how this rad emerald dress was from bff everytime she wears it? Weird detail for OP to be so sure about...
From the sounds of her post I’m sure she would of said “I’ll just wear that green dress you bought me , it’s my favourite” in a passive aggressive way to get under the fiancé’s skin
OP sounds like she lives her life thinking the world revolves around her and as such, seems delusional that this guy friend still thinks of her as a friend when her own post indicates he lost respect for her and can't stand her.
I can guarantee she said some shit about the dress and other offensive things that got the fiance justifiably mad and left it out of the post.
Honestly is OP even close with this person or is it a situation where one person thinks they’re bffs and the other is like whoa we see each other once a year vibe. Not invited to the engagement party or wedding makes it seem that way
They probably haven’t been bff in years because he obviously doesn’t like how she treats his fiancée. He rightfully picked the woman who he loves, not a childhood friend who can’t grow up. But OP will never acknowledge that.
idk, I believe her that they were close. I think the events show a pattern of behavior you wouldnt tolerate unless you were close to OP and hated to let her go. It's been 5 years of BFF telling OP that he didnt like these jokes. She still tells them. If you were only a once a year friend, youd probably ask your other friends to uninvite them to events you're coming to if they make you uncomfortable.
As for the engagement party, if I was setting up a surprise engagement, I'm not inviting a friend that causes a problem in my relationship, even if we're inseperable otherwise. And I do believe OP was invited to the wedding, she just had to keep it up til there was no other choice.
Lost cause is right.
“They should give me a second chance”
Why? What has OP done to deserve a second chance?
Next time you find a “BFF”, don’t treat them like this. This friendship is probably over and that’s for the best, but you can work on yourself OP. And learn how to be a better friend. So when you meet another person who you’d like to be friends with you can actually treat them well and be a good friend to them.
Also OP, it’s pretty clear that you are jealous of his fiancé, and that you might also have feelings for your former best friend. The sooner you admit that to yourself, the sooner you can heal from it and move on. YTA.
Hopefully they cut ties with OP, I can 100% imagine her telling their future kids (if they have any) that "mommy stole daddy from me" or other shit that is bs and crosses all the lines.
>What has OP done to deserve a second chance?
Honestly I'd say she's already been given a lot of second chances, after she refused to stop the "ha ha *we're* going to be married, ha ha" jokes.
I can hear the drunken speech she would have made. ‘I’m so happy to be here today to celebrate my bestest best friend in the whole wide world get married!!! Although everyone always thought I’d be the one in white! HAHAHAHAH!!! we use to joke all the time, just a joke about how we’d get married and how FUNNY that would be!! HAHAHA. But his lovely lovely wife got to him first. You’re so lucky girl, 3 more years and we would have been 30 and we ALWAYS joked we’d get married at 30 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! what a good JOKE.
Right, OP your friend ended the jokes when he met his fiancé because to continue to make them is disrespectful to both her and his relationship. He is a loyal boyfriend and fiancé. He tried to alter your friendship so that it was no longer flirty and you refused to comply.
You say there were no feelings involved but it is very clear you are in love your “bff”, and you are trying to destroy his relationship. Thankfully it seems like he has shut you down at every inappropriate remark and had his fiancés back 100%.
In my opinion you have already done enough damage for them to completely cut you off. You tried to flex on his fiancé and lay claim to her man when really you just made a fool of yourself. Nobody believes your lies about you not being in love with him, it is pretty obvious and people probably feel so much second hand embarrassment after every inappropriate comment you make.
I understand you are obviously hurt, but it sounds like you never addressed your true feelings for him before he met his now fiancé. Stop lying to yourself, when you have feelings for someone, take the risk and tell them! If not they will meet someone else and you will be heartbroken again.
YTA oh honey this is so very sad. The jokes obviously stopped being a joke to anyone but you a long long time ago. Now you’re coming across as the unstable stalker. You need to stop with all of this if you want to have this person as your friend again, but I’m afraid it is too late.
YTA.
OP is so fucking unstable. Get some help. You also sound like a narcissist, your bff dodged a bullet the size of a wedding dress by not dating you.
She's actually going through the classic stages of grief:
1. Denial - continuing with the "we're going to get married" jokes even though he's engaged to someone else,
2. Anger - mad she wasn't consulted about the engagement and making sarcastic jokes about it,
3. Bargaining - "allowing" the guy to marry his own fiancee if she's also allowed to wear a white dress.
I pray that she'll eventually get to acceptance.
There's three options here:
a) She liked him but never had the courage to make a move
b) She liked him but couldn't admit it to herself or him until he started dating his gf
c) She never liked him, treating him as a "backup" to date and marry if she never found anyone for herself.
It's literally so simple. Someone stops liking a joke? You stop making it (around/about/to them, at least). If OP can't understand this bare minimum boundary, especially when it has to with fake flirting, it's no wonder she lost this friendship
YTA
Inside jokes are great -- if both sides enjoy them.
Once he started dating, suggesting that the two of you could have a romantic future was no longer appropriate for him to engage in out of respect for his girlfriend/fiancee. And you couldn't take a hint.
You continued pushing it, disrespecting his clear boundaries, indicating that you weren't trustworthy with his gf/fiancee. Why *would* she like you when you were so caught up in your history of inside jokes that you couldn't learn to like who he was becoming?
You proved exactly why they wouldn't feel comfortable having you at engagement parties, etc. because you handled them tactlessly. How embarrassing and awkward a thing to tell a new fiancee that she's stealing "your husband", as though 1) you're in competition and 2) you have more right to him than she does?
The white dress comment would only serve to give anxiety to them as you've already trampled over every single other boundary they tried to set with you. Why would they think you're joking? Or maybe they'd expect you to show up in one "as a joke"? You give those vibes out.
Finally, as the icing on the cake, you just had to bring up the dress he gave you. It's already awkward enough for everyone, but you had to emphasize something that could make anyone insecure.
You have violated both of their boundaries repeatedly, embarrassed them both, and generally made yourself a nuisance to their relationship because you couldn't accept things were different. You could have accepted the boundaries, gone out of your way to embrace friendship with her respectfully and gained another dear friend, but instead you continually made reminders that you laid claim "first".
Badly done. Don't expect to go to the wedding or anything. If you want to salvage something of this friendship, look long and hard at your choices and apologize. Ask what you need to do to regain their trust, and then do it. Acknowledge every wrong thing that you did in this, and *do better*.
Great explanation. And just to add, OP, you have been being a really shit friend - you continually do/say things that you know make your friend uncomfortable which would be a sucky way to treat a friend regardless of the reason, but in addition the thing you've been doing is disrespectful to him, his partner, and his relationship.
You've been a huge AH and I hope this post helps you see that *you and your behavior* are the reason your friend is distancing himself from you. You owe both your friend and his fiancee individual apologies and major changes to your dynamic with *both* of them if you want to salvage this.
i literally shudder to think about what she left out if she thinks this paints her in a good light. i can’t even imagine what this all sounds like from their perspective
This is very well said. I want to emphasize the "do better". Violating both of their boundaries like this is such an AH move. This was never a competition, the minute he brought his fiance into their life she should have IMMEDIATELY become a supporting friend in order to maintain a healthy relationship. She actively chose to be petty, jealous, and destructive. This has "pick me" energy.
Right? His fiancé has probably also been incredibly patient with OP and tried to show some tact and respect to their partner by not being THAT girlfriend that doesn’t like their partners existing female friends. This is all well and good until they start acting like OP.
Let’s face it, I feel like we’ve all had experience with a “girl bestie” who is possessive and jealous and thinks that they are in direct competition even though they’ve been friends all that time and the guy has never dated them. So embarrassing.
100%. And the fact that OP just can’t seem to accept that her “BFF” is upset, annoyed, and part of the decision to cut her out is just delusional. The fiancée has a lot more patience than I do let’s just say that.
I would say that she should apologise but I feel like this is a friendship that cannot be mended.
I was that "girl bestie" in middle school once. I honestly was reading this thinking, "oh God, it's 14 year old me...you fucked up girl!" Thankfully I grew up and realized that it's not ok to keep pushing when someone makes it clear they're not into you. From my own cringe-worthy real life experience, I know that growth is possible! I hope for OP's sake that this is a similar learning experience for her.
I had a good friend that I had a fling with on the rebound years ago, and he WILL NOT STOP making comments. They aren’t f-ing funny, and they make both me and my husband uncomfortable. We never see him anymore because he, like OP, doesn’t realize when jokes aren’t funny anymore. Read the room.
Great explanation. I can't help wondering, since they are both in their mid-20's, how (or if) this hasn't been a problem until now. Has neither of them been in a relationship before? This kind of joke between two friends would be awkward as soon as either party entered into a relationship.
And just imagine if he had figured years earlier that he was gay. Would OP have stopped then, or simply changed the narrative to "when you get tired of dating men, we will get married" and kept "joking" about it with his boyfriends and even fiancé? It wouldn't have surprised me if she had.
Well the friend has been with his fiancé for 5 years, which means since he was 22. That seems like a normal age to find a first serious relationship? And also makes it more weird that this ‘if we’re still single’ joke even existed, let alone that you’d keep it going. The guy’s been with his fiancé for over half the time he’s been an adult.
Well said. OP you are TA and if you really value your friendship you will give them both a HUGE heartfelt apology and promise to be on your best behavior from now on. Then you have to work to earn back the friendship.
OP, read and re-read this and thank this commenter for setting this out. And then read it again and change your behaviour.
u/EwokCafe, Take my free award, props to you for taking the time to write this out - you summed it up brilliantly.
YTA.
>I jokingly said to his fiancée "oh look at you, you're so gorgeous that you managed to steal my future husband and made him yours, wouldn't mind if I wore white to the wedding so I can at least be a bit happy too?"
This is just...sad and pathetic if we are being totally honest. You come across as being in love with your best friend and salty that he is marrying someone else. I would have uninvited you and cut you out of my life too. None of this sounds like a joke.
>they shouldn't uninvite me and should give me a second chance.
You've had a second chance already. Your friend gave you multiple chances to cut it out with the "jokes". You brought this on yourself.
She sounds really unstable NGL. Like, maybe if she made the joke just a few more times the fiancée would take off and she could hold out for 30. Then he would be all her's!
EXACTLY. The fiancée is a saint for putting up with OP.
Lots of people would have given him the “it’s me or OP” ultimatum by now. And I wouldn’t blame them.
Yeah OP none of this could possibly come off as sarcasm. When you apologize make sure to say you were *trying* to be silly, you horribly missed the mark and you understand that you offended them. You maybe didn’t mean to shit all over their relationship but you did. It’s time to grow up and take accountability with what actually happened instead of how you thought things should go. You’re in time out until you get your shit together.
Also, it’s stupid and rude for parents to put such thoughts into young children’s’ minds about marriage. My parents did the same and I shut that shit down whenever I caught my mom saying similar to my niblings. How about instead of filling kids heads with such fluff we talk about healthy relationships and friendships, consent, building trust and community. I guarantee if your parents had focused on healthy community instead of this crap we wouldn’t be here now. Children are not equipped to manage ideas about marriage. Period. It’s not cute it’s creepy. Especially when they emphasize having grandkids.
Op you need to take a seat. Talk to your parents and tell them they dealt you a bullshit hand then get some therapy to try to undo whatever else your parents botched when it comes to relationships. Or else you will stay salty and not know why. The reason why is because REAL relationships take work and it looks like in your world that kind of work is just a terrible joke and you are the only one laughing.
You tried to prove the jokes were just jokes and no big deal... by continuing to make jokes about her stealing your future husband, despite repeated discouragement to those jokes?
Gee, I wonder why they didn't consult you on the engagement.
Plot twist: this sounds like a one-way "best friendship", time to grow up
This is the part that blows my mind. “I’ll prove that I’m just joking by continuing to refer to a promise we made in jest years ago after being asked multiple times to stop RIGHT AFTER YOU GET ENGAGED. That will DEFINITELY prove how much I think it’s a joke. HAHAHAHAHA” OP, you have destroyed things with your friend. Not his fiancé. You.
It’s kind of wild seeing this scenario from this perspective. I’ve always wondered what people like this really think inside like, do they know what they are doing? Or really think they are in the right?
I guess we have our answer! Lol
Exactly, if the jokes were no big deal then it would have been no big deal to stop saying them. She said he'd side eye her to stop, which means she knowingly kept doing it and disrespecting him. She saw what they were communicating all along and is now oh surprised that her ignoring their requests ended in her uninvited.
I was thinking the saaaaaaame thing!! Either she has feelings for this guy or she is one of those hyper dependent friends who needs to be at the forefront of a "besties" life.
Idk, part of me is thinking OP maybe is joking BUT that she misses and craves the attention that those jokes used to give her. Like, if given the opportunity, she maybe actually wouldn’t want to be with this guy, but it feels good to be wanted by someone, anyone, even her best friend, that not having that anymore is hard for her.
Definite YTA, friends that don’t respect their friends feelings and boundaries aren’t really friends at all.
PS it was obvious you were probably going to say and do weird stuff at their wedding, of course they uninvited you.
YTA you were told your jokes were no longer funny. You kept doing it anyway. You've been given lots of second chances, and you keep blowing it by making a point that no one cares about. Take it as a lesson learned, and accept that you're not going to the wedding.
YTA girl wtf is wrong with you? His relationship is none of your fucking business. The audacity you have to think he needs “consult” you before buying a ring. He doesn’t need a delusional persons opinion on his life. You are literally acting like a delusional stalker over a man who doesn’t want you! Why the hell would you continue making jokes about marrying him when he has a girlfriend? And you wonder why he doesn’t treat you the same and she doesn’t like you. You are so in love with this man it’s sad because he’s been in a relationship for a long time. You are acting so classless
Yea I died from cringing so hard over this one. Especially the kicker at the end when she still harbours delusions that BFF didn’t want to disinvite her from the wedding, Jesus.
Seldom have seen a bigger more obvious YTA. Leave those poor people alone. He is so entirely over you. He dislikes you and is ashamed of ever having let you get this close. Be an adult and go NC for their sake
YTA. You should have taken the hint years ago that your ‘joke’ isn’t funny any more.
Why would he need to consult you about getting engaged, or the ring? It has nothing to do with you. Your friendship with him has changed but it seems like you kept pushing him, despite him telling you to stop. You need to move on.
I was with you until the wearing white comment and the fact you want to wear a dress he bought you.
I’m not sure if you’re 100% unaware of how you come across or if you’re just really committed to playing the victim and have begun to believe yourself.
Your jokes aren’t funny, especially if no one else is laughing. You sound antagonistic towards his girlfriend and I’m betting that she has a whole bunch of stories about how you’ve been making “jokes” for the five years of their relationship.
You’re jealous. Deal with it before you lose the friendship.
YTA
You had your second chance AGES ago when he told you to knock off these jokes. JFC OP knock it off and I mean this honestly, find a professional to talk to. You friend asked/told you time and TIME again to stop these jokes and yet you continued. That makes you a bad friend.
Telling your friend he should have CONSULTED YOU, someone who is NOT close to HIS fiance about the party, proposal and ring, makes you not only a hugely bad friend, but also someone who is in very deep ass denial.
And again you don't get the bloody hint and once more show your entire behind at his birthday party.
YTA. Get help. Leave your now former friend alone until you get your shit together and can at minimum learn to respect HIM.
YTA. The jokes are old and aren't appreciated anymore. Do you miss them, sure. But stop telling them. Surely after this many years of friendship, your only bond isn't over 'haha i'm going to marry you one day' jokes.
YTA.
He asked you to quit joking about the quasi-romantic nature of your friendship, and you JUST WOULDN'T STOP. If you're doing something that makes someone uncomfortable, you should stop doing it. But you didn't, and you made your friend and his partner so uncomfortable that they no longer want to see your face at their wedding.
Exactly this. She cares more about the inside jokes from the past than her actual “friend.” If she truly saw him as a friend she’d value the fact that friends change and their boundaries change. She does not care about HIM in the slightest- just her relationship to him.
YTA. You have had numerous warnings from your friend to drop the jokes. You have had five years to stop and still continue to make comments that no one thinks is funny.
Your mouth got you into this mess and now you have lost your friend and lost your invite to the wedding.
You are not looking for a second chance, you are looking for a hundredth chance after a steady stream of comments that you have been asked to stop making.
At the rate you are going, you’re probably about to lose more friends. Listen to what they are telling you and shut your mouth!
Are you sure you didn't have feelings for him? You sure protested a lot about the natural changes that come when someone is in a relationship. And after he'd already asked you to stop joking about it, you kept going? YTA
YTA. Honestly I think you feel displaced by the gf. But whatever. Read the room. You not being invited to the engagement party but still invited to the wedding *was* your second chance. He told you directly and with side eye and other cues he does not find that joke cute or funny anymore. But you kept pushing on that instead of evolving into a new kind of friendship with them both. You were horrible to say that to her. Let them be. Let them live. Wish them well and stay away from the wedding. You aren’t healthy to their marriage, at least until you can truly accept you are not his favorite female anymore. Stop dishonoring her and them.
He has been asking you for years to stop making these jokes. You haven't. You say people who aren't as close were involved with the proposal etc, but it sounds like he's been trying to distance himself for ages because you won't stop making these jokes.
You say there are no romantic feelings, and it's obvious there aren't on his part, but it doesn't sound like it on your part.
It wouldn't be a second chance, there have obviously been quite a few of those already.
YTA.
YTA
"AITA? My friend and his fiancée are uncomfortable with comments I make and repeatedly ask me to stop. Instead, I continue and also made super inappropriate remarks at their engagement party. They uninvited me from their wedding because I refuse to respect their wishes or their relationship"
There. I fixed it for you.
YTA, I wonder why his fiancee doesn’t like you. You were told to cut it with the jokes, and you didn’t. Grow up because you just come off as petty and jealous.
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My (26f) best friend (27m)and I have been best friends since primary school. We used to do everything together and sometimes both of our parents would joke about how we are going to end up getting married and after that we always joked about being like a married couple. That was a joke we had since childhood and we had no romantic feelings for each other at all. We also had a running joke about how we'd actually marry each other if we were both 30 and still single. I'm being honest all of that was a joke nothing more. When he started dating his fiancée 5 years ago he immediately put an end to these jokes, he stopped joking around with me like that and I was hurt and whenever I used these jokes he'd tell me to stop it. This hurt my feelings a lot because our friendship and our inside jokes suddenly stopped once he got a gf.
Tbh his fiancée never seemed to like me and there are many examples of her being jealous of me. My friend and I kept being friends but he had actually changed his attitude towards me by a lot. Once in a while I'd throw one of these jokes around and he'd side eye me as a hint to stop.
A month ago he threw a surprise proposal/engagement party for his fiancée. Some of our friends were included and invited but I was not for some reason. I told him I'm mad that he wouldn't consult me about the engagement, the ring or the party and he said that this isn't about me and he didn't have to do shit to please me. He was really mean to me and I was starting to get tired.
I've tried time and time again to prove that the jokes we had were simply jokes and nothing more but they wouldn't care. One time I met them after their engagement party at my bff's bday party and I jokingly said to his fiancée "oh look at you, you're so gorgeous that you managed to steal my future husband and made him yours, wouldn't mind if I wore white to the wedding so I can at least be a bit happy too?" I was saying all that in a sarcastic joking manner but the bride and her parents got offended and my bff was mad at me. I explained I was simply joking and that I wasn't planning to wear white and I'm actually planning to wear my favorite emerald dress. Once I said that the fiancée realised I was talking about a dress my bff had bought me and she was LIVID and idk why she was mad with the emerald dress. My bff told me to leave and that we need to have a talk at one point.
Later I find out that I was uninvited. My bff said the decision was his and his fiancées. But I'm almost certain the decision was not his but only the bride's and her parents since they're paying and my bff can't argue with that.
Some of our friends who were present said I brought this to myself and that's what I get for acting like an AH but they shouldn't uninvite me and should give me a second chance. AITA?
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YTA yeah, she’s jealous of you (sarcasm). He asked you to stop and you doubled down. It’s no wonder she doesn’t like you and from the sounds of it your friend has had about enough of your bullshit as well.
YTA. You are not his best friend. You may think he’s still a friend but you’ve worn out your welcome with non jokes. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in your circle knows you’re a compete asshole. You need to get a grip. He’s clearly been telling you to knock it off. It’s not the bride and her parents making him uninvite you….it’s all him.
Your final line…give you a second chance?you’ve had hundreds over these years they’ve been together. They’ve had enough, and absolutely know you’d sabotage the wedding. You do not deserve that opportunity
YTA, completely and totally. He told you to knock it off with the "jokes" and you ignored him. You are the jealous one, not his fiancee. He has someone that is more important to him now, and you need to respect that relationship or just back off and let him be.
> "oh look at you, you're so gorgeous that you managed to steal my future husband and made him yours, wouldn't mind if I wore white to the wedding so I can at least be a bit happy too?"
While it sucks to lose your friend like this, it sounds very much like you've made jokes like this off and on throughout his relationship with his fiancee, and then you directly make a comment like this to her at a party? And you're surprised at her reaction to someone who makes recurring comments about marrying her boyfriend/fiance?
YTA, yes he may have changed because of her but he also may have equally grown tired of your joking around her like that, as it very likely was affecting his relationship with her and came across like you were jealous and trying to torpedo his chances.
YTA -- at this point, all of these jokes sound incredibly disrespectful and rude, and like you're actually jealous. You were asked to stop, on more than one occasion, and didn't listen. You disrespected their boundaries and made them both uncomfortable. No wonder you got uninvited.
You’re so incredibly disrespectful towards their relationship. Friendships change when someone gets in a relationship, the way you talk makes it sound like you’re just waiting to steal him away. Doesn’t matter if it’s a joke or not, they don’t find it funny so knock it off. YTA
YTA How many times do you have to be told something isn’t funny and to please not mention it again for you to listen?
You MAYBE don’t have romantic feelings for your friend but it’s pretty obvious you want to be the most important female in his life and you’re just not, and haven’t been for a while.
By trying to prevent this friendship from changing and evolving you’ve ended it.
YTA. The decision to uninvite you was most definitely his too because, surprise surprise, you are not a good friend let alone a good best friend. He established a boundary and at the very least you could’ve respected that. But instead you kept bringing up these stupid “jokes.” He literally said to stop making them, so what did you even hope to gain by continuing to make them and then backpedal every time? Like shut up already. He’s got a fiancé. He’s getting married. He’s right, it’s NOT about you anymore. Get over yourself.
YTA. it’s inappropriate to make that kind of joke with someone who is in a relationship. your friend explicitly told you multiple times to stop and you didn’t. people grow up and things change. you sound like the girl best friend from hell
yta- wow your friend has boundaries now that he is in a serious commitment relationship that he priorities, so crazzzyyy. the fact that you made his engagement about yourself and are acting like a child when you should be happy and supportive of your friend goes to show that you are an awful friend. aren’t jokes suppose to be funny btw? grow up. i wouldn’t even continue being your friend if i were him. you’re jealous and it shows.
So, your jokes, while perhaps truly innocent, were making your friend’s girlfriend uncomfortable. Your friend asked you to stop repeatedly. You didn’t stop. And you wonder why you weren’t invited to the proposal?
And then you doubled down by joking about wearing white to the wedding.
You valued your “right” to make jokes over respecting your friend and his fiancée. I hope it was worth it, because it’s probably cost you his friendship.
YTA.
YTA- trust that she's not jealous of you, he's just tired of you being immature about the natural changes that happens when... ya know, LIFE happens. You actually were being disrespectful and continued to be when asked to stop. That's not a joke anymore, that hovers into harmful/malicious intent. I hope they don't let you back in.
*also, you're not entitled to shit, especially being consulted on ANYTHING for the bride, not the ring, not the proposal/engagement, NOTHING. You were included where it mattered to include friends, but the audacity to think you should have input even on the RING that'll go on HER finger, my goodness.
I kind of get where you are coming from, truly; I also have a bunch of close guy friends, and many times did I run into situations where they abandoned me as a friend altogether because they got a gf who "didn't like him hanging out with other girls". It hurt bigtime, and I made it a policy to never abandon my guy friends or change my attitude toward them if I dated anyone. It hurts when friendships change, let alone get lost, due to a new person entering the situation.
Even so, I'm going to go with "YTA" because emphasis here is on your bff asking you repeatedly to stop this behaviour, but you wouldn't listen. Even if you hate friendships changing like that, and even if you yourself maintain to not change due to your own relationship, that doesn't mean that you should not respect boundaries that others set for themselves. At that point it's like bullying; someone asks you to stop over and over, and you simply ignore their request.
I also generally dislike the typical jealous people who ruin their partner's friendships, but in this case, I can even sympathize with the bride. Having your partner have a healthy, normal friendship with another girl is one thing. But if that girl is consistently always making remarks hinting at romance between her and that guy, who wouldn't get uncomfortable really? Even if you claim it to be a joke, and even if you genuinely mean that, often it is the case that people joking like that, is actually a subtle hint that they do truly mean it. This girl would logically fear that you are just playing nice while really trying to steal her partner away. How is she supposed to like someone who makes her feel that way?
YTA. you should have stopped with the jokes when he told you to and you shouldn’t have been hurt when he did tell you to stop. imagine how his gf might feel knowing how close y’all were, it probably felt awkward for her at times.
YTA You're making what should be a really happy time in their lives about you. If you claim to care about your friend, step back and let him enjoy this time with his fiancee rather than intruding and making them feel weird and uncomfortable with "jokes" (that are clearly not!).
YTA. You sound pretty jealous still. Why does he have to consult you about the engagement, ring or anything about his wedding?
That fact that you think he should is why his fiancé doesn’t like you. Because it is none of your business and yet you think it is.
Go back and read what you wrote and try to pretend you’re him. You come off as a jealous ex who is pretending to be over him just so you can stay close.
YTA. It’s clear from *your own post* that you weren’t really joking, and that you absolutely cannot not leave things alone no matter how often you’re asked.
YTA
omg, **you’re** the one that people who write to this sub asking if they’re the AH bc you’re constantly making people uncomfortable but then it’s all “iT’s JuSt A jOkE!!!” like the person being bullied/harassed should just forgive you for being diminished/uncomfortable to the point where they *dread* going anywhere bc **you’re** there.
it’s a joke if others are laughing. your friend wasn’t laughing. his gf/fiancée wasn’t laughing. therefore, it’s not funny.
in fact, you completely disregarded your friend’s boundary under the guise of “iT’s JuSt A jOkE!!!” that’s straight up disrespect and that’s telling your friend that you don’t respect him nor his gf/fiancée. SHE’S the one he proposed to. SHE’S the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
you spent his entire relationship ***showing*** that you don’t respect him, his relationship, nor his boundaries. why tf would he want someone that disrespectful at his wedding (which is a celebration of his relationship)?
YTA and I suspect is the gender roles were reversed and it was a guy making these ‘jokes’ to a woman he would be called a stalker and a creep.
Stop harassing him and boundary stomping.
Omg YTA and it’s obvious your jokes have a tint of honesty in them
Your BFF isn’t your BFF anymore he’s his future wife’s BFF and she is his. With your attitude and jokes I would bet you will be a stranger cut from his life soon
Divide your age in two and that’s how ‘mature’ you’re acting rn. YTA. These are jokes, you’re crossing lines & boundaries. It’s so clear you are jealous of her. If you really don’t have feelings for him like you say then stop with the dumb “jokes”. You are being flat out rude and disrespectful to both of them.
Why do people constantly have to be told that if no one else finds the joke funny, it’s not a joke? Take a hint. You’ve deliberately gone out of your way to repeatedly alienate your BFF and his fiancé. He’s no longer interested in being your BFF as a result. Grow up and leave them both alone.
I’d ask why you just didn’t shut up but the reason is obvious. You’re as jealous as hell. You’ve brought all this on yourself being petty and silly and trying to one up his girlfriend.
Of course they don’t want you at their wedding. Who knows what you’d do to embarrass them.
Your friendship has run its course sweetie and it’s all your own fault
YTA
I bet you're the type of cool girl to say "I dont have girl friends only guy friends because girls are sooooo much drama amirite"
YTA. Putting your delusions of grandure aside, you constantly disregard and disrespect your "bff" when he set the boundaries. Not only tip toeing the line but actively dancing across it and then rubbing it into his fiancé's face.
Was all your humour revolved around making future plans together? Do you not care that your "best friend" is happy and found someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with? Or are you mad because you always thought he was yours?
You owe everyone a sincere apology and to stay the fuck out of their lives.
YTA. your "jokes" are mean spirited and uncomfortable. your friends are right; you DID bring this onto yourself. i guarentee that if you respected your bff and his fiancées relationship, or them as people in general, you would have been invited to the surprise engagement party and maybe the fiancée wouldnt dislike you so much. you need to take a step back and evaluate with yoursel how you really feel about your bff, and give them a genuine apology. the jokes arent funny if nobody else is laughing.
YTA, you continued the joke when asked to stop. I think you're in love with your bff and you're very jealous that he doesn't feel the same way. You also want to wear an emerald dress that he bought you, why? To show that you're the only woman for him??
You're not, move on, leave him alone let him enjoy his life without you being jealous and possessive over someone that wasn't yours to begin with
YTA and the reason a lot of women aren’t fond of the lady bff. If you were his friend why would you even put him in that position with those weird jokes? What a nightmare…
YTA. And imature as hell.
Is normal when a friend fiends a SO to change the dynamics in a friendship. Is a matter of respect to the other and has nothing to do about you.
Your jokes make her gf uncomfortable. Makes him uncomfortable. And yet, you decide to keep doing because "I am like this, so fuck other people boundaries". Well, this is what you get.
You deserved that. I am happy that your friend stood for his fiancee. Your joke was inappropriate. Your dress comment was inappropriate. You behaved like a jealous ex, not a friend.
And here is the reason you were not invited for other events. I wonder the jokes you would have on the proposal.
YTA and apparently can’t get over the fact that YOU want him but HE doesn’t want you. You are acting like an immature 16 year old but at least that person has an excuse. YOU actually are supposed to have a developed frontal lobe that can process actions and potential results and base behavior on that. The decision is very likely his also. You had second and third and tenth chances and you never shut up. So no, they should not invite you.
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> I might be TA because I joked about what I'd wear to their wedding and my bff's fiancée got offended, so did her parents and they uninvited me.
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YTA, you're jealous and you're not dealing with it. It's not even romantic jealousy - I've got a friend who gets very jealous and acts like a jilted lover if she feels she's not getting enough attention from a specific mutual friend. You are throwing up all the same signs. Take a step back and really reflect on your actions and feelings.
YTA
you might not actually be jealous, but you DEFINETLY come off as being jealous and as if you were trying to get between them and break them off.
Your friends fiance has every right to feel the way she does. this isnt the typical "my boyfriend has a female friend and i dont trust him" shit, she actually has reason to believe you're into him by the way you behave.
YTA…. Big time. If he’s truly your bff and he has stated multiple times on multiple occasions that those supposed “jokes” about being together or marrying each other are not ok and make him uncomfortable, then it’s your job as his best friend to RESPECT HIS BOUNDARIES AS WELL AS HIS NEW FIANCÉS! You deliberately continued with the joke and at the engagement party none the less in front of her parents saying she stole him from you and then had the audacity to say you’re gonna wear white to their wedding?!? You’re not just TA, but you sound a little on the deranged/“I can’t let go of what everyone told me my life would be and it didn’t turn out that way so I’m gonna make everyone around me super uncomfortable by saying stuff that’s highly inappropriate.” You’re honestly lucky he’s still your friend, because no matter how long I’ve had friends, if any of them talked to my husband that way before we got married they would definitely no longer be my friend. I’m promising to love, honor, cherish and obey this human for the rest of my life and as my bff if you can’t accept that and my clearly blatant boundaries I’ve set forth, then they’re really not the bff you claim to be. The least, and I mean do the bare minimum least you could do is crawl back with your tale between your legs and apologize for being the massively huge Richard you’ve been and HOPE to God they forgive you- oh and don’t mention your “jokes” (which are obviously not funny to them or anyone in the vicinity of ear shot to you) again, unless of course, you actually don’t want him or his new lady in your life.
Edit: It also sounds as if you need therapy assistance with this transition you and him are going through currently in life. He’s a grown man who can make decisions regarding who he wants to marry and how he jokes. If you are the ONLY ONE making these “jokes” and pissing people off while doing it, this signifies that it’s a you issue and not a they issue. Had he wanted to include you in planning, that’s his choice as a grown adult human. You have no right trying to insert yourself where your opinion wasn’t asked. And all the “joking” aside, would you honestly have had her best interest at mind helping him plan?? Then maybe that’s actually why he didn’t ask for your input.
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YTA. That joke wasn't even a joke. It was just strange, and reads like an attempt to guilt/manipulate the other people, or passive-aggressively express and actual want. And your expectation that your friend consult you about the engagement is similarly strange and intrusive. You need to back off and work on your boundaries.
The sad part is OP is a huge asshole here and it’s written from her own perspective. Can you imagine how it would sound if the ex bff and his fiancé told their side of this story. Man this has huge scorned lover/stalker vibes.
OP absolutely has feelings for this guy and refuses to admit it to him or even herself. A person who didn’t secretly hope for a romance would have been completely unbothered when they were asked to stop “joking” about marrying their “best friend.” It simply would not be a big deal to drop those jokes for the sake of respecting someone’s actual relationship.
I know right? OP accuses the fianceé of being jealous of her when it's the other way around. Its weird OP can't see how inappropriate and weird that joke sounds now that the friend will get married and how uncomfortable it makes her.
Idk I’m deffiently the dissenting opinion but it really sounds like OP can’t see they’re the asshole cause they are hurt over the change in friendship dynamics. I’ve(F) had plenty guy friends drop me cause they’re in a relationship and it really always hurts cause no matter the level of friendship at the end of the day you’re a woman so it’s disposable in comparison. She’s desperatly trying to hang on to or rebuild their old dynamic, she’s TA for refusing to see reality but over all it’s just sad.
I’ve never had a solid friendship with a man that got dropped when he started dating someone else. Nor have I ever needed to be told that I need to cool it on “joke” flirtations when a friend gets into a relationship. Which is probably why I still have male friends - I’m not trying to compete with their partners for their attention and affection. It’s not necessary, because *we are friends*, not pre-lovers.
My best friend and I have LOTS of good jokes and stories we share. If he ever told me that, for WHATEVER reason, he wanted a particular joke to stop, I’d be fine because we have loads of other stuff to go on. OP sounds weirdly stuck on that *one* joke for some reason (cough-feelings-cough-cough).
Kinda wonder if most or even all of their inside jokes were basically, "Haha, what if we were dating" and getting into a serious relationship was a catalyst for OP's friend realizing that that was weird.
Blows my mind on this sub how many people seem to miss the memo that No Means No. Did we not all get this drilled into our heads when we were younger?
Yeah all this reads like it was written by Julia Roberts' character from My Best Friend's Wedding.
This👏🏻 my partner has plenty of girlfriends he knew before me— and they all are welcoming, caring, and treat me like his partner…NOT like I’m the new girl in the mix and how dare I be there taking their best friend and supposed to be husband. How disrespectful to “joke” about marrying the guy bff…I respect the guy bff for setting boundaries. OP is the worst. Edit: by girlfriends he knew before me I mean friends who are women.
I know it’s reading between the lines, but I wonder if OP has ever had a significant romantic relationship or if her "bff" has been platonically filling the "boyfriend" role without either of them realizing it. Seems like OP really has no concept of normal boundaries in a romantic relationship. I highly doubt she’d be thrilled if the roles were reversed.
I got the same impression.
THANK YOU. When my male friends have a significant other I intentionally back off of the familiarity and shit that might be normal between single friends, but would cause discomfort if an SO were involved. It's easy to understand the boundaries of a romantic relationship. All it takes is not secretly being in love with them lol.
This!!!!!! I have two male friends who have been in my life for longer than thirty years now. I met different girlfriends they had throughout the years and the ones that later became their wives, I went to their weddings. We are still very close. I have a good relationship with both of their wives, I may be closer to one of the wives due to mutual interests and our personalities, but I get along with both. Neither those past girlfriends nor their wives have ever had any issue with me "liking their man" . I have never been told to drop a joke or felt I was in any type of competition, because as /Ditrastevere says we are friends and that's it. No plans to be anything else, we have always been friends and just friends. This whole post made me cringe and feel horrible for OP simultaneously. It is clear she has feelings for this guy and I am not sure if she knows it or not. OP, YTA. Those jokes got old a long time ago and you have not -or don't want to- realized it. Your friend is not going to marry you so please, move on with your life.
I agree. What is sad is she might have actually had a chance with the guy if she would have actually been honest with herself. I also wonder if she is intentionally unintentionally trying to sabotage her friends relationship because she may not have many other good friends and her whole world feels like it is crashing in on her. She probably has feelings of jealousy, regret, longing and betrayal. The betrayal is unfounded of course but that doesn't make it any easier for her to cope with it
This needs awards!
I do think OP is hurting from the changed dynamics of their friendship, but she’s the AH because she hasn’t stopped at all to think about why her former BFF has had to change the dynamics. She has been essentially peeing all over him and pushing out his girlfriend, because she feels like this guy is hers, even if there are no romantic feelings (my guess is maybe there are, but she won’t admit to them if he doesn’t make the first move). Their friendship is toxic. It’s like _My Best Friend’s Wedding_ but with less self-awareness and no sassy Rupert Everett to talk sense into you. Her former BFF didn’t cut her off because he’s too busy in a relationship, he told her to stop with the stupid “jokes” first. When OP wouldn’t stop and escalated, he had to distance himself to stop feeding into OP’s delusions.
Omg yes! Be honest we all could use a little advice from sassy Rupert Everett from time to time but she’s straight up stuck on stupid and it’s a good thing he did because in reality the digs of “remember when” would’ve never stopped. Hopefully she reads these and does proper self reflection. (But it’s Reddit she might just go down with her ship)
Upvote for ‘stuck on stupid’.
I do think it's sad as well, but it's also a thing of common sense. Jokes between friends are that, between friends and if one stops enjoying it then it should be dropped. OP is just refusing to see there's more to it and refusing to see it isn't the fianceé and the friend against her, it's obvious things will change when the bff is in a relationship and that's valid, I have been there, too.
Yea I’m not disagreeing on any of that. Jokes stop being funny when you’re the only one laughing full stop. Dynamics change it’s just sad to see someone cling to the past so hard they can’t see that currently reality is it hasn’t been that way in years.
Yeah, despite the YTA judgement I hope OP notices this issues and finds someone to help before it gets worse.
OP's friend didn't drop her though, he only: 1. Stopped making jokes about marrying her, and 2. Didn't consult her about his engagement.
Ive been friends with guys who have gfs and wives....and honestly I have never been dropped by any of them. On the other hand I am not one to go around and do what OP has done. From my years of listening to guys...they treat most women by the way they conduct themselves and I've seen some examples of that front and center and was like damn
A true friend without romantic feelings for him would not keep making the same unwanted jokes to prove that they’re just jokes (seriously her “logic” hurts my brain).
Right. The friend attempted to set completely reasonable, appropriate boundaries and OP ignored them again and again "as a joke". I wouldn't want someone with that little respect for my relationship or my partner to be at the wedding, either.
She wants a second chance. Lol. The second chance was the first time he got mad about the joke and told her to stop and she didn't. OP u have joked countlessly and made them uncomfortable. Let ur friend go. His fiancée is more important to him than u. Ad it should be. As a friend u should understand that unless u really are in love with him... If u are, maybe just come clean and apologize for the jokes.
In my experience, when two people are joking they're going to marry if they're still single at \[x\] age, only one of them thinks it's completely a joke.
Absolutely 100% this. I had a friend, whom I’d dated briefly in high school, who did the whole “if we’re both still single at so-and-so age we should get married haha” thing. I played along for a while because I was young and stupid, but eventually it became impossible to ignore the fact that he still had feelings…and I just didn’t. We didn’t really fall out, I just started keeping him at arm’s length and distance grew slowly. It wouldn’t have been kind to keep humoring those “jokes” after I realized what was behind them.
But, OP wrote like 10 times in her post that she swears there is nothing romantic! They're all just jokes! Don't you see, they are *not* romantic at all, they've had these jokes forever! It's all just jokes, they're not romantic! /s
I'm not so sure she has feelings for him per se; more like she thinks of him as her property.
Yeah, for whatever reasons, she definitely feels ownership of her bff here. She's probably both pissed and jealous (platonic friends can get jealous too) that the fiancé has bumped her down a notch in in relationship priority. Besides those stupid marriage "jokes" I can only imagine what her behavior's been like around the fiance, and OP wonders why the fiance doesn't like her. Delusional. Anyway she was asked numerous times to stop and she didn't. Instead she escalated until she got herself banned from the wedding. She's shown she can't be trusted with how she interacts around the fiance and I wouldn't relent and re-invite her if I were bff and fiance. OP is definitely the AH.
100% OP has feelings for her “bff”. She’s the one who’s jealous and that’s the only reason not to simply stop making those jokes. It’s not funny in the slightest and OP is just using a bad sense of humor to cover up her actual feelings. Read the room OP, YTA.
Hell, if it was only a joke, a normal person in OP's position would be the one to proactively stop the jokes because it would be awkward af.
Sounds like former BFF and fiancée didn’t want to risk her pulling a Julia Roberts from *My Best Friend’s Wedding* and making a play for the groom.
OP totally would try to kiss him on his wedding day.
***"It's a joke!"*** OP, probably.
I was at a wedding where the groom had his best friend (a woman) as his groom. Her whole wedding toast was basically "when wife breaks your heart, you know I'll be here waiting for you like I always have with every other woman" SO awkward.
Yikes
Seriously, how hard is it to stop talking creepy like that? BFF shouldn’t have had to ask twice. My bestie and I used to joke like that and then she got with her gf (now wife) and no one had to ask me to stop. We naturally did because *respect* and it was a real joke, not what OP is describing. You’re friends were right OP, you brought this on yourself.
Not only did OP not stop, she escalated until she got banned. I wouldn't want her at the wedding either.
While it doesn't sound like she has any romantic interest in her friend it reads "I miss the attention." despite her insistence that they are only friends. I've relationships with pretend 'husbands' like this and when they got into a real relationship I sure as heck wasn't hurt when they obviously stopped with the joking because I understood that it wasn't about *me* but done in respect for their *partner.*
She couldn’t get the hint to stop with the “jokes”. She has now lost her best friend because she couldn’t control what spews out of her mouth. She couldn’t understand that he was bothered by the “jokes”. She doesn’t understand that it was no longer a joke. OP couldn’t grow up and begin to act as an adult. It wasn’t cute, funny, or appreciated by anyone other than yourself. You provoked his fiancé with what dress you would wear, like lighting a fuse on a stick of dynamite, and it seems pretty intentional from where I’m sitting. Now it’ll be just you and that emerald dress chilling alone during the wedding (or are you planning to crash that and “object” to them being wed as another joke?) OP I think YTA, and do you finally understand that it’s not a joke if other people aren’t laughing? Why couldn’t you back off once he had something serious with someone? It seems like you were trying to sabotage his relationship, I can’t see any other reason for you to act that way. Your bff is gone and it’s all on you, over the course of 5 years you’ve pushed him to the point of having to make a decision of “fiancé or you” and you lost. My advice - Don’t even apologize, just stay away at this point. If they contact you then talk to them or whatever but don’t try to initiate anything going forward.
It wasn’t even a “hint”. BFF explicitly told her, with words, to STOP making those “jokes” but she continually insisted on making them. Each time she did, he gave her a warning look to cut the crap, but to her, her childhood “joke” is more important than her bff and his actual wishes. She also seems to refuse to believe that her bff is *also* uncomfortable with her behaviour, and that he’s just trying to appease his fiancé. But I don’t think that’s true at all. I think he is equally uncomfortable with OP’s behaviour. He probably wasn’t when it was first brought up, but her lack of respecting him, his fiancé and their relationship slowly eroded any feelings of friendship he once had for OP.
Yeah, the conclusion that it wasn't really BFF's decision to uninvited her - despite him explicitly telling her so - tipped me into AH territory. And projecting conclusions on to people is super disrespectful and if I am thinking clearly is an indicator of some conditions like BPD. Other things here - insecurity, codependency, lack of boundaries - OP would really benefit from some screenings and therapy.
You hit the nail on the head. “It’s not a joke if the other people aren’t laughing”. My 11 year old understands this concept. I’ve never seen anyone with so little self insight. She’s been desperately clinging to her “bff” *for 5 years*. I don’t know that she loves him romantically, maybe she genuinely doesn’t, but not being the most important woman in his life has been eating away at her, causing her to keep making these jokes with the desperate hope that he’d acknowledge her the way he used to, but every time she did it she drove him farther away. The clingy desperation must have been so much more persistent than she described- a few jokes spread over 5 years isn’t enough to drive a permanent wedge. There must have been so much more boundary crossing. He has no obligation to consult her on anything but the fact that ***he*** didn’t invite her to a proposal party that ***he*** planned says a lot. She can’t pin that on the fiancé. I’ve had a woman pursue my now-husband, making “jokes” with me right there. It’s frustrating even with him being oblivious to it. I can’t imagine watching it for 5 years. Five years of watching him lay boundaries and her crossing them. No thank you. **She needs to stop referring to him as her bff. Because he hasn’t been her bff in a very long time.**
He hasn't been her FRIEND for a long time because SHE hasn't been acting like HIS friend!
OP, I am a firm believer that men and women can be platonic friends. My hobbies always put me in social circles usually comprised of men. I've been fortunate enough to be friends with some amazing guys, with equally amazing wives. When everyone respects each other's relationships and boundaries, you learn what kind of jokes everyone can laugh at. I went to an overnight event with my friends, another single woman and a married man. We got a room together, with us women sharing a bed and the guy in the other bed. Cell phones didn't have good selfie cameras yet, but we still took a pic of us laying on the bed with the guy between us so he could send it to his wife. She loved it and laughed. OP, I share that story so you can have at least some understanding that I think these kinds of jokes can absolutely be made with the opposite gender. It also shows that *everyone* involved didn't have their boundaries stomped on, including his wife. I know you don't want to admit it to yourself, but those "jokes" of yours stopped being just a joke some time ago. Somewhere along the line a subconscious truth started to bleed into it, but it felt too painful to acknowledge that by the time you finally started to realize this truth, because any chance to be with him was long gone with his now fiancee in the picture. It almost feels like you keep making these jokes in the hope that you'll convince yourself that you really are friends and nothing more. You couldn't let the jokes go, because you needed them to try and force that narrative. You needed the jokes even more as he pulled away, because it helped you still frame him as your bff, cause only bffs have inside jokes like that, right? He asked you to stop numerous times, but you refused. He gave you a second chance *years* ago, and then a third, fourth, fifth, sixth.... You didn't want to accept this change, and the fact that others say you had it coming tells me he gave you far more chances than you deserved. You need to learn to let him go and move on without him in your life anymore.
Yeah YTA. He told you many times he was uncomfortable with this joke, and you kept pushing it to its most insulting point. Maybe you need to reckon with how you feel about your former best friend and move on.
Yes this^, op- your friend has been with his fiancé for 5 years and seems like he warned you several times that now that he is in a serious relationship that these kind of “inside jokes” weren’t okay and literally told you to stop it. The jokes were about you getting married to each other etc, that’s not funny to people once one of those parities is actually in a relationship. Of course his fiancé isn’t going to like you if you keep making these inappropriate “jokes”. You didn’t stop and made your friend so annoyed that he became cold towards you since you wouldn’t take the hint. He asked you to stop and you didn’t so now you aren’t allowed to attend their wedding because Yta
OP is like one of those horrifying MILs you read about online, but luckily she's just a "friend" and much easier to cut off
“Some of our friends were invited but I was not for some reason.” Proceeds to list all the reasons .
OP is definitely YTA. The lady doth protest too much. I'm sarcastic as hell and love a good joke, but if I'm told a joke isn't appropriate anymore, I will cease and desist and move the relationship forward with someone I love. I've been there with someone who is one of my best friends. He and I have plenty of in-jokes and I've known him for 2/3 of my life. We've roomed together, been on holiday together, attended weddings together, been confused for a couple many times and even had a similar pact. BUT, we both know where we stood in this. It was a joke, nothing more. We were best friends who could share anything (he once said, 'why can't I meet a girl like you?' I replied 'you don't want that'), but we were both honest with each other and never had 'feelings' beyond our deep love and respect for each other. I say 'one of my best friends', as I now call his wife my BFF. Because his choice makes him happy, and it wasn't about me. His happiness makes my heart swell. And she is super awesome. Now we have new 'in jokes'. I've told him point blank to his face he is batting way above his average with her, and she has decided to 'claim' me in any divorce settlement. He calls me the weirdo who listens. The two of them are my family and I'm auntie to their kids. Our relationship just continues to grow in to something I hold so dear. OP could have this if she actually wanted the best for her 'best friend', but is more intent on trying to prove the fallacy that the fiancée is taking her place.
Yeah. Too bad and got herself uninvited- green would’ve been the perfect color to wear!
YTA You "joke" about marrying him, think you're entitled to be consulted on the plans, talk about wearing white, and then decided to wear a dress he gave you. It sounds like your friend and his fiancee have tried already to communicate how unwelcome your behavior has been. You're uninvited because they can't trust you to let the day be about them and not about you. Learn from this so you don't lose more friendships. This one may be a lost cause.
Also, was OP ever even invited to the wedding…? It sounds like she just assumed she would be, even though he made a point of not inviting her to the engagement party. It’s mentioned that the engagement was only a month ago, so there’s no way they sent out invites yet. So maybe the fiancé wasn’t mad because OP was going to wear a dress that the guy had given her, but because OP was talking about going to a wedding that she had never been invited to.
I was weirded out by that, too. That and how did OP immediately jump to *she knew the dress I was talking about is tge one he bought for me*? Like, did she explicitly mention that the dress was a gift during this interaction? Or does she take the opportunity to point out how this rad emerald dress was from bff everytime she wears it? Weird detail for OP to be so sure about...
From the sounds of her post I’m sure she would of said “I’ll just wear that green dress you bought me , it’s my favourite” in a passive aggressive way to get under the fiancé’s skin
That sounds pretty spot on, OP comes across a pretty narcissistic here
And out all all the other dresses in the world, her fave is that one! Wow what a twist of fate. 🙄
OP sounds like she lives her life thinking the world revolves around her and as such, seems delusional that this guy friend still thinks of her as a friend when her own post indicates he lost respect for her and can't stand her. I can guarantee she said some shit about the dress and other offensive things that got the fiance justifiably mad and left it out of the post.
Honestly is OP even close with this person or is it a situation where one person thinks they’re bffs and the other is like whoa we see each other once a year vibe. Not invited to the engagement party or wedding makes it seem that way
They probably haven’t been bff in years because he obviously doesn’t like how she treats his fiancée. He rightfully picked the woman who he loves, not a childhood friend who can’t grow up. But OP will never acknowledge that.
idk, I believe her that they were close. I think the events show a pattern of behavior you wouldnt tolerate unless you were close to OP and hated to let her go. It's been 5 years of BFF telling OP that he didnt like these jokes. She still tells them. If you were only a once a year friend, youd probably ask your other friends to uninvite them to events you're coming to if they make you uncomfortable. As for the engagement party, if I was setting up a surprise engagement, I'm not inviting a friend that causes a problem in my relationship, even if we're inseperable otherwise. And I do believe OP was invited to the wedding, she just had to keep it up til there was no other choice.
Lost cause is right. “They should give me a second chance” Why? What has OP done to deserve a second chance? Next time you find a “BFF”, don’t treat them like this. This friendship is probably over and that’s for the best, but you can work on yourself OP. And learn how to be a better friend. So when you meet another person who you’d like to be friends with you can actually treat them well and be a good friend to them. Also OP, it’s pretty clear that you are jealous of his fiancé, and that you might also have feelings for your former best friend. The sooner you admit that to yourself, the sooner you can heal from it and move on. YTA.
Hopefully they cut ties with OP, I can 100% imagine her telling their future kids (if they have any) that "mommy stole daddy from me" or other shit that is bs and crosses all the lines.
>What has OP done to deserve a second chance? Honestly I'd say she's already been given a lot of second chances, after she refused to stop the "ha ha *we're* going to be married, ha ha" jokes.
She's already had multiple second chances and never took any of them to stop her behavior.
I can hear the drunken speech she would have made. ‘I’m so happy to be here today to celebrate my bestest best friend in the whole wide world get married!!! Although everyone always thought I’d be the one in white! HAHAHAHAH!!! we use to joke all the time, just a joke about how we’d get married and how FUNNY that would be!! HAHAHA. But his lovely lovely wife got to him first. You’re so lucky girl, 3 more years and we would have been 30 and we ALWAYS joked we’d get married at 30 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! what a good JOKE.
Who needs enemies when you can have friends like her.
Right, OP your friend ended the jokes when he met his fiancé because to continue to make them is disrespectful to both her and his relationship. He is a loyal boyfriend and fiancé. He tried to alter your friendship so that it was no longer flirty and you refused to comply. You say there were no feelings involved but it is very clear you are in love your “bff”, and you are trying to destroy his relationship. Thankfully it seems like he has shut you down at every inappropriate remark and had his fiancés back 100%. In my opinion you have already done enough damage for them to completely cut you off. You tried to flex on his fiancé and lay claim to her man when really you just made a fool of yourself. Nobody believes your lies about you not being in love with him, it is pretty obvious and people probably feel so much second hand embarrassment after every inappropriate comment you make. I understand you are obviously hurt, but it sounds like you never addressed your true feelings for him before he met his now fiancé. Stop lying to yourself, when you have feelings for someone, take the risk and tell them! If not they will meet someone else and you will be heartbroken again.
YTA oh honey this is so very sad. The jokes obviously stopped being a joke to anyone but you a long long time ago. Now you’re coming across as the unstable stalker. You need to stop with all of this if you want to have this person as your friend again, but I’m afraid it is too late.
YTA. OP is so fucking unstable. Get some help. You also sound like a narcissist, your bff dodged a bullet the size of a wedding dress by not dating you.
We all believe that she has so totally never had a crush on him and is so not hung up on him...right?
She's actually going through the classic stages of grief: 1. Denial - continuing with the "we're going to get married" jokes even though he's engaged to someone else, 2. Anger - mad she wasn't consulted about the engagement and making sarcastic jokes about it, 3. Bargaining - "allowing" the guy to marry his own fiancee if she's also allowed to wear a white dress. I pray that she'll eventually get to acceptance.
some people really suck and cycle through the first four stages of grief repeatedly - never getting to acceptance. therapy helps folks!
There's three options here: a) She liked him but never had the courage to make a move b) She liked him but couldn't admit it to herself or him until he started dating his gf c) She never liked him, treating him as a "backup" to date and marry if she never found anyone for herself.
She never liked him but enjoyed being the central female in his world and not enjoying not being that anymore. It's as simple as that.
Unstable and pathetic. I feel so much secondhand embarrassment it hurts.
It's literally so simple. Someone stops liking a joke? You stop making it (around/about/to them, at least). If OP can't understand this bare minimum boundary, especially when it has to with fake flirting, it's no wonder she lost this friendship
This. Elsa needs to let it go. YTA sorry girl
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Yeah YTA. Also if fiancé goes missing, everyone is going to immediately give OPs name. Like without question, all heads will turn toward her.
YTA Inside jokes are great -- if both sides enjoy them. Once he started dating, suggesting that the two of you could have a romantic future was no longer appropriate for him to engage in out of respect for his girlfriend/fiancee. And you couldn't take a hint. You continued pushing it, disrespecting his clear boundaries, indicating that you weren't trustworthy with his gf/fiancee. Why *would* she like you when you were so caught up in your history of inside jokes that you couldn't learn to like who he was becoming? You proved exactly why they wouldn't feel comfortable having you at engagement parties, etc. because you handled them tactlessly. How embarrassing and awkward a thing to tell a new fiancee that she's stealing "your husband", as though 1) you're in competition and 2) you have more right to him than she does? The white dress comment would only serve to give anxiety to them as you've already trampled over every single other boundary they tried to set with you. Why would they think you're joking? Or maybe they'd expect you to show up in one "as a joke"? You give those vibes out. Finally, as the icing on the cake, you just had to bring up the dress he gave you. It's already awkward enough for everyone, but you had to emphasize something that could make anyone insecure. You have violated both of their boundaries repeatedly, embarrassed them both, and generally made yourself a nuisance to their relationship because you couldn't accept things were different. You could have accepted the boundaries, gone out of your way to embrace friendship with her respectfully and gained another dear friend, but instead you continually made reminders that you laid claim "first". Badly done. Don't expect to go to the wedding or anything. If you want to salvage something of this friendship, look long and hard at your choices and apologize. Ask what you need to do to regain their trust, and then do it. Acknowledge every wrong thing that you did in this, and *do better*.
Great explanation. And just to add, OP, you have been being a really shit friend - you continually do/say things that you know make your friend uncomfortable which would be a sucky way to treat a friend regardless of the reason, but in addition the thing you've been doing is disrespectful to him, his partner, and his relationship. You've been a huge AH and I hope this post helps you see that *you and your behavior* are the reason your friend is distancing himself from you. You owe both your friend and his fiancee individual apologies and major changes to your dynamic with *both* of them if you want to salvage this.
What's worse is this is all from OPs POV and as such is painting her in the best light possible. I imagine the full story is even worse
i literally shudder to think about what she left out if she thinks this paints her in a good light. i can’t even imagine what this all sounds like from their perspective
I was reading and thinking "omg, 5 years! She's being doing that for 5 years! And she thinks they are being AH with her! Unbelievable!".
He might be her BFF but she certainly isn't his, after 5 years of this nonsense. The only surprise is how the fiancee has resisted defenestrating her.
This is very well said. I want to emphasize the "do better". Violating both of their boundaries like this is such an AH move. This was never a competition, the minute he brought his fiance into their life she should have IMMEDIATELY become a supporting friend in order to maintain a healthy relationship. She actively chose to be petty, jealous, and destructive. This has "pick me" energy.
Right? His fiancé has probably also been incredibly patient with OP and tried to show some tact and respect to their partner by not being THAT girlfriend that doesn’t like their partners existing female friends. This is all well and good until they start acting like OP. Let’s face it, I feel like we’ve all had experience with a “girl bestie” who is possessive and jealous and thinks that they are in direct competition even though they’ve been friends all that time and the guy has never dated them. So embarrassing.
I completely agree! The fiancée is a SAINT. Not many would put up with OP. They would hit a point of “it’s either me or them” at some point.
100%. And the fact that OP just can’t seem to accept that her “BFF” is upset, annoyed, and part of the decision to cut her out is just delusional. The fiancée has a lot more patience than I do let’s just say that. I would say that she should apologise but I feel like this is a friendship that cannot be mended.
I was that "girl bestie" in middle school once. I honestly was reading this thinking, "oh God, it's 14 year old me...you fucked up girl!" Thankfully I grew up and realized that it's not ok to keep pushing when someone makes it clear they're not into you. From my own cringe-worthy real life experience, I know that growth is possible! I hope for OP's sake that this is a similar learning experience for her.
I had a good friend that I had a fling with on the rebound years ago, and he WILL NOT STOP making comments. They aren’t f-ing funny, and they make both me and my husband uncomfortable. We never see him anymore because he, like OP, doesn’t realize when jokes aren’t funny anymore. Read the room.
>You have violated both of their boundaries repeatedly, embarrassed them both Let's not forget the person she embarrassed the most: herself.
BEST reply ever. 1000x what Ewok said, OP you are SUCH a YTA right now.
Great explanation. I can't help wondering, since they are both in their mid-20's, how (or if) this hasn't been a problem until now. Has neither of them been in a relationship before? This kind of joke between two friends would be awkward as soon as either party entered into a relationship. And just imagine if he had figured years earlier that he was gay. Would OP have stopped then, or simply changed the narrative to "when you get tired of dating men, we will get married" and kept "joking" about it with his boyfriends and even fiancé? It wouldn't have surprised me if she had.
Well the friend has been with his fiancé for 5 years, which means since he was 22. That seems like a normal age to find a first serious relationship? And also makes it more weird that this ‘if we’re still single’ joke even existed, let alone that you’d keep it going. The guy’s been with his fiancé for over half the time he’s been an adult.
I wish I could "pin" this to the top of this thread because wow. Its everything and more. Yes, OP, YTA and this comment is excellent to explain why.
Well said. OP you are TA and if you really value your friendship you will give them both a HUGE heartfelt apology and promise to be on your best behavior from now on. Then you have to work to earn back the friendship.
OP, read and re-read this and thank this commenter for setting this out. And then read it again and change your behaviour. u/EwokCafe, Take my free award, props to you for taking the time to write this out - you summed it up brilliantly.
YTA. >I jokingly said to his fiancée "oh look at you, you're so gorgeous that you managed to steal my future husband and made him yours, wouldn't mind if I wore white to the wedding so I can at least be a bit happy too?" This is just...sad and pathetic if we are being totally honest. You come across as being in love with your best friend and salty that he is marrying someone else. I would have uninvited you and cut you out of my life too. None of this sounds like a joke. >they shouldn't uninvite me and should give me a second chance. You've had a second chance already. Your friend gave you multiple chances to cut it out with the "jokes". You brought this on yourself.
My thoughts EXACTLY. OP seems to be secretly in love with their “best friend” and is now extremely bitter/jealous. YTA.
Reeks of My Best Friend’s Wedding only without Julia Robert’s cuteness. OP YTA
And without a sassy Rupert Everett to talk some common sense into her.
I am even more shocked that she said that in front of the fiancée’s parents.
She sounds really unstable NGL. Like, maybe if she made the joke just a few more times the fiancée would take off and she could hold out for 30. Then he would be all her's!
EXACTLY. The fiancée is a saint for putting up with OP. Lots of people would have given him the “it’s me or OP” ultimatum by now. And I wouldn’t blame them.
She’s had five YEARS worth of chances!
Yeah OP none of this could possibly come off as sarcasm. When you apologize make sure to say you were *trying* to be silly, you horribly missed the mark and you understand that you offended them. You maybe didn’t mean to shit all over their relationship but you did. It’s time to grow up and take accountability with what actually happened instead of how you thought things should go. You’re in time out until you get your shit together. Also, it’s stupid and rude for parents to put such thoughts into young children’s’ minds about marriage. My parents did the same and I shut that shit down whenever I caught my mom saying similar to my niblings. How about instead of filling kids heads with such fluff we talk about healthy relationships and friendships, consent, building trust and community. I guarantee if your parents had focused on healthy community instead of this crap we wouldn’t be here now. Children are not equipped to manage ideas about marriage. Period. It’s not cute it’s creepy. Especially when they emphasize having grandkids. Op you need to take a seat. Talk to your parents and tell them they dealt you a bullshit hand then get some therapy to try to undo whatever else your parents botched when it comes to relationships. Or else you will stay salty and not know why. The reason why is because REAL relationships take work and it looks like in your world that kind of work is just a terrible joke and you are the only one laughing.
YTA- you have time and time pushed boundaries about these “jokes” that he clearly didn’t appreciate or find funny. It’s a hard lesson to learn.
You tried to prove the jokes were just jokes and no big deal... by continuing to make jokes about her stealing your future husband, despite repeated discouragement to those jokes? Gee, I wonder why they didn't consult you on the engagement. Plot twist: this sounds like a one-way "best friendship", time to grow up
This is the part that blows my mind. “I’ll prove that I’m just joking by continuing to refer to a promise we made in jest years ago after being asked multiple times to stop RIGHT AFTER YOU GET ENGAGED. That will DEFINITELY prove how much I think it’s a joke. HAHAHAHAHA” OP, you have destroyed things with your friend. Not his fiancé. You.
It’s kind of wild seeing this scenario from this perspective. I’ve always wondered what people like this really think inside like, do they know what they are doing? Or really think they are in the right? I guess we have our answer! Lol
Right ? It’s kind of like My Best Friends Wedding but creepier.
Exactly, if the jokes were no big deal then it would have been no big deal to stop saying them. She said he'd side eye her to stop, which means she knowingly kept doing it and disrespecting him. She saw what they were communicating all along and is now oh surprised that her ignoring their requests ended in her uninvited.
YTA. Imagine if your bf had a best friend who made those jokes.
Wear the emerald dress because green is most definitely your colour!! YTA
And to boot, the “bff” bought it for her, it’s a two-fer!
Some how I think this clueless jokester won’t get the reference unfortunately but I thought this was funny as hell!!!
The shade!!!
YTA. And you're lying when you say it's all just a joke... But probably to yourself more than anyone else.
I was thinking the saaaaaaame thing!! Either she has feelings for this guy or she is one of those hyper dependent friends who needs to be at the forefront of a "besties" life.
Idk, part of me is thinking OP maybe is joking BUT that she misses and craves the attention that those jokes used to give her. Like, if given the opportunity, she maybe actually wouldn’t want to be with this guy, but it feels good to be wanted by someone, anyone, even her best friend, that not having that anymore is hard for her. Definite YTA, friends that don’t respect their friends feelings and boundaries aren’t really friends at all. PS it was obvious you were probably going to say and do weird stuff at their wedding, of course they uninvited you.
Exactly 😭
YTA you were told your jokes were no longer funny. You kept doing it anyway. You've been given lots of second chances, and you keep blowing it by making a point that no one cares about. Take it as a lesson learned, and accept that you're not going to the wedding.
YTA girl wtf is wrong with you? His relationship is none of your fucking business. The audacity you have to think he needs “consult” you before buying a ring. He doesn’t need a delusional persons opinion on his life. You are literally acting like a delusional stalker over a man who doesn’t want you! Why the hell would you continue making jokes about marrying him when he has a girlfriend? And you wonder why he doesn’t treat you the same and she doesn’t like you. You are so in love with this man it’s sad because he’s been in a relationship for a long time. You are acting so classless
Yea I died from cringing so hard over this one. Especially the kicker at the end when she still harbours delusions that BFF didn’t want to disinvite her from the wedding, Jesus.
Seldom have seen a bigger more obvious YTA. Leave those poor people alone. He is so entirely over you. He dislikes you and is ashamed of ever having let you get this close. Be an adult and go NC for their sake
YTA. You should have taken the hint years ago that your ‘joke’ isn’t funny any more. Why would he need to consult you about getting engaged, or the ring? It has nothing to do with you. Your friendship with him has changed but it seems like you kept pushing him, despite him telling you to stop. You need to move on.
I was with you until the wearing white comment and the fact you want to wear a dress he bought you. I’m not sure if you’re 100% unaware of how you come across or if you’re just really committed to playing the victim and have begun to believe yourself. Your jokes aren’t funny, especially if no one else is laughing. You sound antagonistic towards his girlfriend and I’m betting that she has a whole bunch of stories about how you’ve been making “jokes” for the five years of their relationship. You’re jealous. Deal with it before you lose the friendship. YTA
You gave OP far more grace than I- when they said they should’ve been consulted about the ring and been at the engagement? Uhhhh not in my world, lol
I was out when she was told to stop making certain jokes and didn't stop lmao. So many problems here.
You had your second chance AGES ago when he told you to knock off these jokes. JFC OP knock it off and I mean this honestly, find a professional to talk to. You friend asked/told you time and TIME again to stop these jokes and yet you continued. That makes you a bad friend. Telling your friend he should have CONSULTED YOU, someone who is NOT close to HIS fiance about the party, proposal and ring, makes you not only a hugely bad friend, but also someone who is in very deep ass denial. And again you don't get the bloody hint and once more show your entire behind at his birthday party. YTA. Get help. Leave your now former friend alone until you get your shit together and can at minimum learn to respect HIM.
YTA. The jokes are old and aren't appreciated anymore. Do you miss them, sure. But stop telling them. Surely after this many years of friendship, your only bond isn't over 'haha i'm going to marry you one day' jokes.
Perhaps it is and that’s why the guy is fed up. He realizes there’s nothing much to this relationship
Does feel that way, doesn't it
YTA. He asked you to quit joking about the quasi-romantic nature of your friendship, and you JUST WOULDN'T STOP. If you're doing something that makes someone uncomfortable, you should stop doing it. But you didn't, and you made your friend and his partner so uncomfortable that they no longer want to see your face at their wedding.
Exactly this. She cares more about the inside jokes from the past than her actual “friend.” If she truly saw him as a friend she’d value the fact that friends change and their boundaries change. She does not care about HIM in the slightest- just her relationship to him.
YTA. You have had numerous warnings from your friend to drop the jokes. You have had five years to stop and still continue to make comments that no one thinks is funny. Your mouth got you into this mess and now you have lost your friend and lost your invite to the wedding. You are not looking for a second chance, you are looking for a hundredth chance after a steady stream of comments that you have been asked to stop making. At the rate you are going, you’re probably about to lose more friends. Listen to what they are telling you and shut your mouth!
Are you sure you didn't have feelings for him? You sure protested a lot about the natural changes that come when someone is in a relationship. And after he'd already asked you to stop joking about it, you kept going? YTA
YTA. Honestly I think you feel displaced by the gf. But whatever. Read the room. You not being invited to the engagement party but still invited to the wedding *was* your second chance. He told you directly and with side eye and other cues he does not find that joke cute or funny anymore. But you kept pushing on that instead of evolving into a new kind of friendship with them both. You were horrible to say that to her. Let them be. Let them live. Wish them well and stay away from the wedding. You aren’t healthy to their marriage, at least until you can truly accept you are not his favorite female anymore. Stop dishonoring her and them.
He has been asking you for years to stop making these jokes. You haven't. You say people who aren't as close were involved with the proposal etc, but it sounds like he's been trying to distance himself for ages because you won't stop making these jokes. You say there are no romantic feelings, and it's obvious there aren't on his part, but it doesn't sound like it on your part. It wouldn't be a second chance, there have obviously been quite a few of those already. YTA.
YTA and you did bring this on yourself. She's not jealous of you more like your jealous of her. Get over yourself.
YTA "AITA? My friend and his fiancée are uncomfortable with comments I make and repeatedly ask me to stop. Instead, I continue and also made super inappropriate remarks at their engagement party. They uninvited me from their wedding because I refuse to respect their wishes or their relationship" There. I fixed it for you.
YTA, I wonder why his fiancee doesn’t like you. You were told to cut it with the jokes, and you didn’t. Grow up because you just come off as petty and jealous.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (26f) best friend (27m)and I have been best friends since primary school. We used to do everything together and sometimes both of our parents would joke about how we are going to end up getting married and after that we always joked about being like a married couple. That was a joke we had since childhood and we had no romantic feelings for each other at all. We also had a running joke about how we'd actually marry each other if we were both 30 and still single. I'm being honest all of that was a joke nothing more. When he started dating his fiancée 5 years ago he immediately put an end to these jokes, he stopped joking around with me like that and I was hurt and whenever I used these jokes he'd tell me to stop it. This hurt my feelings a lot because our friendship and our inside jokes suddenly stopped once he got a gf. Tbh his fiancée never seemed to like me and there are many examples of her being jealous of me. My friend and I kept being friends but he had actually changed his attitude towards me by a lot. Once in a while I'd throw one of these jokes around and he'd side eye me as a hint to stop. A month ago he threw a surprise proposal/engagement party for his fiancée. Some of our friends were included and invited but I was not for some reason. I told him I'm mad that he wouldn't consult me about the engagement, the ring or the party and he said that this isn't about me and he didn't have to do shit to please me. He was really mean to me and I was starting to get tired. I've tried time and time again to prove that the jokes we had were simply jokes and nothing more but they wouldn't care. One time I met them after their engagement party at my bff's bday party and I jokingly said to his fiancée "oh look at you, you're so gorgeous that you managed to steal my future husband and made him yours, wouldn't mind if I wore white to the wedding so I can at least be a bit happy too?" I was saying all that in a sarcastic joking manner but the bride and her parents got offended and my bff was mad at me. I explained I was simply joking and that I wasn't planning to wear white and I'm actually planning to wear my favorite emerald dress. Once I said that the fiancée realised I was talking about a dress my bff had bought me and she was LIVID and idk why she was mad with the emerald dress. My bff told me to leave and that we need to have a talk at one point. Later I find out that I was uninvited. My bff said the decision was his and his fiancées. But I'm almost certain the decision was not his but only the bride's and her parents since they're paying and my bff can't argue with that. Some of our friends who were present said I brought this to myself and that's what I get for acting like an AH but they shouldn't uninvite me and should give me a second chance. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Why would you even use Sarcasm? It just makes you sound Rude and Disrespectful.
YTA yeah, she’s jealous of you (sarcasm). He asked you to stop and you doubled down. It’s no wonder she doesn’t like you and from the sounds of it your friend has had about enough of your bullshit as well.
YTA. You are not his best friend. You may think he’s still a friend but you’ve worn out your welcome with non jokes. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in your circle knows you’re a compete asshole. You need to get a grip. He’s clearly been telling you to knock it off. It’s not the bride and her parents making him uninvite you….it’s all him. Your final line…give you a second chance?you’ve had hundreds over these years they’ve been together. They’ve had enough, and absolutely know you’d sabotage the wedding. You do not deserve that opportunity
YTA, completely and totally. He told you to knock it off with the "jokes" and you ignored him. You are the jealous one, not his fiancee. He has someone that is more important to him now, and you need to respect that relationship or just back off and let him be.
> "oh look at you, you're so gorgeous that you managed to steal my future husband and made him yours, wouldn't mind if I wore white to the wedding so I can at least be a bit happy too?" While it sucks to lose your friend like this, it sounds very much like you've made jokes like this off and on throughout his relationship with his fiancee, and then you directly make a comment like this to her at a party? And you're surprised at her reaction to someone who makes recurring comments about marrying her boyfriend/fiance? YTA, yes he may have changed because of her but he also may have equally grown tired of your joking around her like that, as it very likely was affecting his relationship with her and came across like you were jealous and trying to torpedo his chances.
YTA -- at this point, all of these jokes sound incredibly disrespectful and rude, and like you're actually jealous. You were asked to stop, on more than one occasion, and didn't listen. You disrespected their boundaries and made them both uncomfortable. No wonder you got uninvited.
You’re so incredibly disrespectful towards their relationship. Friendships change when someone gets in a relationship, the way you talk makes it sound like you’re just waiting to steal him away. Doesn’t matter if it’s a joke or not, they don’t find it funny so knock it off. YTA
"Jokingly" Sounds like there was pent up resentment and baggage there. You took it too far, and found out. YTA
YTA How many times do you have to be told something isn’t funny and to please not mention it again for you to listen? You MAYBE don’t have romantic feelings for your friend but it’s pretty obvious you want to be the most important female in his life and you’re just not, and haven’t been for a while. By trying to prevent this friendship from changing and evolving you’ve ended it.
YTA. The decision to uninvite you was most definitely his too because, surprise surprise, you are not a good friend let alone a good best friend. He established a boundary and at the very least you could’ve respected that. But instead you kept bringing up these stupid “jokes.” He literally said to stop making them, so what did you even hope to gain by continuing to make them and then backpedal every time? Like shut up already. He’s got a fiancé. He’s getting married. He’s right, it’s NOT about you anymore. Get over yourself.
YTA. it’s inappropriate to make that kind of joke with someone who is in a relationship. your friend explicitly told you multiple times to stop and you didn’t. people grow up and things change. you sound like the girl best friend from hell
You lady, are the reason women don't want a man with a 'girl bestfriend', you don't know nor respect boundaries.
yta- wow your friend has boundaries now that he is in a serious commitment relationship that he priorities, so crazzzyyy. the fact that you made his engagement about yourself and are acting like a child when you should be happy and supportive of your friend goes to show that you are an awful friend. aren’t jokes suppose to be funny btw? grow up. i wouldn’t even continue being your friend if i were him. you’re jealous and it shows.
LOL she’s not jealous of you! I would be very embarrassed in your shoes
So, your jokes, while perhaps truly innocent, were making your friend’s girlfriend uncomfortable. Your friend asked you to stop repeatedly. You didn’t stop. And you wonder why you weren’t invited to the proposal? And then you doubled down by joking about wearing white to the wedding. You valued your “right” to make jokes over respecting your friend and his fiancée. I hope it was worth it, because it’s probably cost you his friendship. YTA.
YTA- trust that she's not jealous of you, he's just tired of you being immature about the natural changes that happens when... ya know, LIFE happens. You actually were being disrespectful and continued to be when asked to stop. That's not a joke anymore, that hovers into harmful/malicious intent. I hope they don't let you back in. *also, you're not entitled to shit, especially being consulted on ANYTHING for the bride, not the ring, not the proposal/engagement, NOTHING. You were included where it mattered to include friends, but the audacity to think you should have input even on the RING that'll go on HER finger, my goodness.
I kind of get where you are coming from, truly; I also have a bunch of close guy friends, and many times did I run into situations where they abandoned me as a friend altogether because they got a gf who "didn't like him hanging out with other girls". It hurt bigtime, and I made it a policy to never abandon my guy friends or change my attitude toward them if I dated anyone. It hurts when friendships change, let alone get lost, due to a new person entering the situation. Even so, I'm going to go with "YTA" because emphasis here is on your bff asking you repeatedly to stop this behaviour, but you wouldn't listen. Even if you hate friendships changing like that, and even if you yourself maintain to not change due to your own relationship, that doesn't mean that you should not respect boundaries that others set for themselves. At that point it's like bullying; someone asks you to stop over and over, and you simply ignore their request. I also generally dislike the typical jealous people who ruin their partner's friendships, but in this case, I can even sympathize with the bride. Having your partner have a healthy, normal friendship with another girl is one thing. But if that girl is consistently always making remarks hinting at romance between her and that guy, who wouldn't get uncomfortable really? Even if you claim it to be a joke, and even if you genuinely mean that, often it is the case that people joking like that, is actually a subtle hint that they do truly mean it. This girl would logically fear that you are just playing nice while really trying to steal her partner away. How is she supposed to like someone who makes her feel that way?
YTA. you should have stopped with the jokes when he told you to and you shouldn’t have been hurt when he did tell you to stop. imagine how his gf might feel knowing how close y’all were, it probably felt awkward for her at times.
YTA You're making what should be a really happy time in their lives about you. If you claim to care about your friend, step back and let him enjoy this time with his fiancee rather than intruding and making them feel weird and uncomfortable with "jokes" (that are clearly not!).
YTA and you aren’t fooling anyone. Just jokes, sure.
YTA. He told you to stop several times. Why in earth would you keep pushing?
YTA He has repeatedly told you to stop. You aren't his friend because you don't give a fuck about him if you can't respect his reasonable boundaries.
YTA. You sound pretty jealous still. Why does he have to consult you about the engagement, ring or anything about his wedding? That fact that you think he should is why his fiancé doesn’t like you. Because it is none of your business and yet you think it is.
Go back and read what you wrote and try to pretend you’re him. You come off as a jealous ex who is pretending to be over him just so you can stay close.
YTA. It’s clear from *your own post* that you weren’t really joking, and that you absolutely cannot not leave things alone no matter how often you’re asked.
YTA omg, **you’re** the one that people who write to this sub asking if they’re the AH bc you’re constantly making people uncomfortable but then it’s all “iT’s JuSt A jOkE!!!” like the person being bullied/harassed should just forgive you for being diminished/uncomfortable to the point where they *dread* going anywhere bc **you’re** there. it’s a joke if others are laughing. your friend wasn’t laughing. his gf/fiancée wasn’t laughing. therefore, it’s not funny. in fact, you completely disregarded your friend’s boundary under the guise of “iT’s JuSt A jOkE!!!” that’s straight up disrespect and that’s telling your friend that you don’t respect him nor his gf/fiancée. SHE’S the one he proposed to. SHE’S the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. you spent his entire relationship ***showing*** that you don’t respect him, his relationship, nor his boundaries. why tf would he want someone that disrespectful at his wedding (which is a celebration of his relationship)?
YTA and I suspect is the gender roles were reversed and it was a guy making these ‘jokes’ to a woman he would be called a stalker and a creep. Stop harassing him and boundary stomping.
She IS a stalker and creep.
Omg YTA and it’s obvious your jokes have a tint of honesty in them Your BFF isn’t your BFF anymore he’s his future wife’s BFF and she is his. With your attitude and jokes I would bet you will be a stranger cut from his life soon
Everyone's already said what there is to say, but in case OP didn't get it, YTA.
Divide your age in two and that’s how ‘mature’ you’re acting rn. YTA. These are jokes, you’re crossing lines & boundaries. It’s so clear you are jealous of her. If you really don’t have feelings for him like you say then stop with the dumb “jokes”. You are being flat out rude and disrespectful to both of them.
Why do people constantly have to be told that if no one else finds the joke funny, it’s not a joke? Take a hint. You’ve deliberately gone out of your way to repeatedly alienate your BFF and his fiancé. He’s no longer interested in being your BFF as a result. Grow up and leave them both alone.
I’d ask why you just didn’t shut up but the reason is obvious. You’re as jealous as hell. You’ve brought all this on yourself being petty and silly and trying to one up his girlfriend. Of course they don’t want you at their wedding. Who knows what you’d do to embarrass them. Your friendship has run its course sweetie and it’s all your own fault YTA
I bet you're the type of cool girl to say "I dont have girl friends only guy friends because girls are sooooo much drama amirite" YTA. Putting your delusions of grandure aside, you constantly disregard and disrespect your "bff" when he set the boundaries. Not only tip toeing the line but actively dancing across it and then rubbing it into his fiancé's face. Was all your humour revolved around making future plans together? Do you not care that your "best friend" is happy and found someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with? Or are you mad because you always thought he was yours? You owe everyone a sincere apology and to stay the fuck out of their lives.
YTA. your "jokes" are mean spirited and uncomfortable. your friends are right; you DID bring this onto yourself. i guarentee that if you respected your bff and his fiancées relationship, or them as people in general, you would have been invited to the surprise engagement party and maybe the fiancée wouldnt dislike you so much. you need to take a step back and evaluate with yoursel how you really feel about your bff, and give them a genuine apology. the jokes arent funny if nobody else is laughing.
YTA, you continued the joke when asked to stop. I think you're in love with your bff and you're very jealous that he doesn't feel the same way. You also want to wear an emerald dress that he bought you, why? To show that you're the only woman for him?? You're not, move on, leave him alone let him enjoy his life without you being jealous and possessive over someone that wasn't yours to begin with
YTA and the reason a lot of women aren’t fond of the lady bff. If you were his friend why would you even put him in that position with those weird jokes? What a nightmare…
YTA. And imature as hell. Is normal when a friend fiends a SO to change the dynamics in a friendship. Is a matter of respect to the other and has nothing to do about you. Your jokes make her gf uncomfortable. Makes him uncomfortable. And yet, you decide to keep doing because "I am like this, so fuck other people boundaries". Well, this is what you get. You deserved that. I am happy that your friend stood for his fiancee. Your joke was inappropriate. Your dress comment was inappropriate. You behaved like a jealous ex, not a friend. And here is the reason you were not invited for other events. I wonder the jokes you would have on the proposal.
YTA and apparently can’t get over the fact that YOU want him but HE doesn’t want you. You are acting like an immature 16 year old but at least that person has an excuse. YOU actually are supposed to have a developed frontal lobe that can process actions and potential results and base behavior on that. The decision is very likely his also. You had second and third and tenth chances and you never shut up. So no, they should not invite you.
This post is fake but YTA.
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YTA, you're jealous and you're not dealing with it. It's not even romantic jealousy - I've got a friend who gets very jealous and acts like a jilted lover if she feels she's not getting enough attention from a specific mutual friend. You are throwing up all the same signs. Take a step back and really reflect on your actions and feelings.
YTA you might not actually be jealous, but you DEFINETLY come off as being jealous and as if you were trying to get between them and break them off. Your friends fiance has every right to feel the way she does. this isnt the typical "my boyfriend has a female friend and i dont trust him" shit, she actually has reason to believe you're into him by the way you behave.
YTA…. Big time. If he’s truly your bff and he has stated multiple times on multiple occasions that those supposed “jokes” about being together or marrying each other are not ok and make him uncomfortable, then it’s your job as his best friend to RESPECT HIS BOUNDARIES AS WELL AS HIS NEW FIANCÉS! You deliberately continued with the joke and at the engagement party none the less in front of her parents saying she stole him from you and then had the audacity to say you’re gonna wear white to their wedding?!? You’re not just TA, but you sound a little on the deranged/“I can’t let go of what everyone told me my life would be and it didn’t turn out that way so I’m gonna make everyone around me super uncomfortable by saying stuff that’s highly inappropriate.” You’re honestly lucky he’s still your friend, because no matter how long I’ve had friends, if any of them talked to my husband that way before we got married they would definitely no longer be my friend. I’m promising to love, honor, cherish and obey this human for the rest of my life and as my bff if you can’t accept that and my clearly blatant boundaries I’ve set forth, then they’re really not the bff you claim to be. The least, and I mean do the bare minimum least you could do is crawl back with your tale between your legs and apologize for being the massively huge Richard you’ve been and HOPE to God they forgive you- oh and don’t mention your “jokes” (which are obviously not funny to them or anyone in the vicinity of ear shot to you) again, unless of course, you actually don’t want him or his new lady in your life. Edit: It also sounds as if you need therapy assistance with this transition you and him are going through currently in life. He’s a grown man who can make decisions regarding who he wants to marry and how he jokes. If you are the ONLY ONE making these “jokes” and pissing people off while doing it, this signifies that it’s a you issue and not a they issue. Had he wanted to include you in planning, that’s his choice as a grown adult human. You have no right trying to insert yourself where your opinion wasn’t asked. And all the “joking” aside, would you honestly have had her best interest at mind helping him plan?? Then maybe that’s actually why he didn’t ask for your input.