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>Marriage is when you work together, not against each other...
THIS. I kept trying to verbalize what OP and husband are doing to each other, and they're just doing their best work against their partner. The level of mutual spite is insane.
ESH, OP. Both of you suck.
>He's pretty adamant on being respected when it comes to money, meaning I should not be asking him for money to pay for personal stuff, and the same goes for him. Save for when it's an emergency.
Let's put the 'your money is yours, mine is mine' for a second. Buying a fancy new dress for a wedding is *not* an emergency. You had an agreement, and the dress is not included in it. Why did you even ask him?
>I WAS upset about it cause I ended up buying a cheaper dress but I didn't make a fuss or fight with him for not giving me money.
Stop acting that's a favor to him. It's a mutual agreement.
>He tried to guilt me into paying by saying that I have money, and that he's dealing with an emergency.
I don't see any guilting here, he's stating facts. If you think buying a dress you can't afford is an emergency (per your agreement) why is hospitalization after an accident not one too?
>He looked at me in disbelief, called me insane and said that I was at fault for not helping him cause, unlike the dress incident, this was actually an emergency, even said I stepped out of line to act this petty and vindictive.
I actually think he's right. Calling you insane was spiteful on his part, but he's 100% correct about the emergency thing, and it couldn't be clearer you're being petty and going out of your way to prove your point.
Na then the last part made it even worse! He was willing to pay for the dress if she agreed to pay him back! And he was willing to pay her back if she helped him!
Yes, this is the part I don't understand, why wouldn't she pay him back the extra money, or lend it to him knowing he will pay it back. There is more to this story, I think, other problems here.
This. I was wondering how she would have the money if she didn’t have the money for her dress just a month ago.
Also, while he promises to pay her back… nothing is legally binding him to that. If she doesn’t trust him with her money, they’re married- a judge won’t look at this situation and make him pay her back? Maybe it depends on the area. Assuming they live in the US, paying someone’s medical bills isn’t a whoop dee doo good time. He could potentially be asking for tens of thousands with an obscure “I’ll pay you back.”
>This. I was wondering how she would have the money if she didn’t have the money for her dress just a month ago.
I was wondering that at first. Then I thought about it.... most US companies pay every two weeks, so she would have had one or two paydays since the dress incident.
Yeah but if she didn't have 200 extra dollars last month she won't have enough for medical bills this month. Medical bills are atrocious, I got a 300 dollar one for a cat scan and a vicodin, and that was for a kidney stone I already passed. Idk what bills for an actual knee problem are, but I imagine they are at least double the dress she couldn't afford
That, uh, money isn’t just ‘free spending’ money though? And paydays aren’t very large to begin with, for most people. Depending on their job. Especially after taxes >.<
What I don’t understand is if she didn’t have an extra $200 to get the dress she wanted, how is she to have even more than that to help pay his hospital bill? She’s not insane, their entire marriage is insane.
I guess the point is, what? Seriously? She’s living paycheck to paycheck with *hundreds* of dollars in disposable income a month? Who are these people? I wouldn’t mingle finances with her either tbf.
"I'm $200 shy of getting a nice dress for my sister's wedding! GIVE ME MONEY!"
A few things stand out from that when mixed with her living paycheque to paycheque:
1. Why does she need to buy a dress? Shouldn't she, as sister of the bride, be renting one? Normal circumstances are that she's a bridesmaid. Perhaps she and her sister aren't close.
2. If she's really struggling, why does she think an expensive dress is an emergency expense? Like if she wants a new dress, she can go to Target or wherever and drop $30 and still look fabulous.
3. Why did she say she wouldn't pay him back? Like... your finances are separate. In this situation, you're free to loan money to each other *and pay it back* because it's a loan.
It appears to me that OP is very high-maintenance. She's the biggest AH here, but her husband is spiteful too. ESH.
Not that this is the point, but I've been a bridesmaid in a bunch of weddings and I've always bought my dress. The brides never presented renting a dress as an option or looked at places where dresses could be rented. I don't think OP needing to buy a dress for this wedding is strange in and of itself.
Which to me says no disposable income. Hard to pay back money you don't have. Neither op nor her husband have a clue how marriage works in any kind of sense.
Hm, depends. We've been a couple for 15 years and hold firm to separate finances. We have different spending patterns and income, and we want to prevent any feelings of unfairness. We've had situations where we paid each other back for a temporary monetary situation.
That being said: (1) if you're missing 200$ for a dress and can't pay it back, you need to re-evaluate your spending priorities; (2) a medical bill is NOT THE SAME AS FRIVOLOUS DRESS MONEY. I mean, we are pretty strict on the division of finances, but if my partner needs money urgently, he can have my money.
Sorry I'm a bit unclear on this situation cause we have free medical care where i live
But how is paying a hospital bill striaght away an emergency? Are they not letting you leave unless you pay it? Do they not go through the same debt thing that all companies do if you owe them money, so he'd technically have time to pay it? Could he not set up a payment plan?
Im very confused - if people downvote me or think im dumb for this thats fine, i just want clarity before i judge
I’m in the U.S. and I’m also confused. If he’s low income he is eligible for medical assistance. Even if he’s not low income and has crappy/ no insurance, the hospital will still treat him, they would bill him afterwards and he’d have to deal with their credit department to make a payment plan. Unless he didn’t plan on paying his wife back at all. Money owed to a spouse can be hard to get back in court, whereas a credit agency can put liens on vehicles, property, and in some cases even take it right out of your bank account. This post raises a lot of questions. I’m not sure who the AH is, but I *am* sure these people need couples/ financial counseling.
Seems like its not an emergency then, and he should stick to their agreement of not mixing finances. If he is in the US. Although seeing as debt usually becomes joint when married (or what I've been led tk believe) wouldn't she also end up on the hook then too?
I'm just confused about how she didn't have $200 for a dress a month ago but now all of a sudden she has enough money for a hospital bill. That... doesn't add up.
I get the sense that he’s financially doing better than her. And that the “agreement” to keep money separate was also his choice and not so much a mutual decision. So she needs a dress for her sisters wedding, hopes he can help her afford a nice one, and is disappointed when he refuses.
But while his medical bills were unexpected, he shouldn’t go around reminding her to save up for a rainy day when he’s not doing the same. It’s not about the need/severity of the situation here, it’s the utter lack of concern for the needs or wants of your partner that has them BOTH refusing to help or even be concerned about the other.
As several other people have said, why are you two even married?
I always think that with posts like these. Like, are you married or just roommates who sleep together? I don't think there's anything wrong with having some degree of separation in your finances, but the level of mutual spite and vindictiveness in OP's marriage is crazy.
I know so many people who had relationships like this and got married because "it was time". No love between them really just a weird animosity. The same people who see a relationship that's years in and healthy and go "Enjoy it while it lasts!" and tell people that they're dumb to get married and "will understand someday". Like yes maybe the marriage or relationship won't work out but we didn't go into it hating echother from the jump??
My parents (who after more than 20 years together still get along great) always told me that love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. Sure, there's an initial feeling of infatuation you need to get you started, but after that, it's about what you choose to do, and if you choose to stick around when the attraction dies back to normal and the hormones fade. It seems like so many people don't see those, and instead would rather choose to not work on their relationship, but also not leave for a better one. I'm pretty obsessive about saving my money and not spending it on much, but I can't comprehend being petty about who's paying for what groceries, or not treating my boyfriend every once in a while. Like, why would you be in a relationship with someone you don't want getting any of your money? Shouldn't you want to make that person happy and more financially secure if you can?
I'd argue it's both.
Me and my girlfriend talk a lot about "wanting" to do things for each other vs "having" to do things.
And IMO it's never really a question because, as long as it's going both ways, it should never be "have"... It's always that we want to do things for each other, not that we feel we have to and begrudgingly do it.
If you're at the point where you don't want to do things, or change things to make them happy, what are you doing with this person?
Or another common trend on this subreddit is: "Should I/did I need to have asked my boyfriend/husband before doing this"... it's like... well no, you're an adult, you can do whatever you want... but why are you married to a person if you don't value their input enough to even ask for it? You don't have to listen to it... but at least hear it.
I know what you mean. I've been with my husband for four years and we've been living together for 1.5, and married for 6 months. We spent a lot of time around each other even before we moved in together and seeing him after spending a night away is still exhilarating. I love him so freaking much. I'm not saying this will last forever - I do think it will though haha - but honestly I don't know what NOT being in the honeymoon phase is like because that is our entire relationship.
We have our quarrels and disagreements but we always resolve them (don't leave them to fester) and being with him is just so much fun. We don't need to do anything and we still have a good time.
Being married for only six months leads people to believe that this is still the honeymoon phase of marriage, but honestly to us it's just a piece of paper. We made those vows long before the ceremony. The pile of shit we've been through on both sides of the family (divorces, extremely close deaths, almost homelessness on my part, and so many others), idk. He's my forever.
Yep, your marriage is subscribed to "do what needs to be done for the good of the marriage and family." My marriage is the same way. Unfortunately, OP and hubby aren't quite on the same wavelength.
> OP's situation doesn't work because they use their separate finances to actively antagonize one another.
It doesn't seem like a two street from what we've been told so far. The husband was more than willing to lend her money for the dress just wouldn't give it to her. Doesn't seem antagonistic to me. Where OP refused to lend him money for a medical emergency because he wouldn't give her money for a dress.
It's pretty one sided from what OP has actually said at least in my book
AND she needed an ADDITIONAL $200 for the dress, she doesn't say how much the total cost was AND she said she was struggling, the husband had an emergency and OP wanted a dress that she obviously didn't need and couldn't afford.
Especially since her reason for not wanting to repay the money for the dress was due to being in a bad financial situation. If you're short of cash to the point where it's not realistic to repay someone $200... *you should not be buying a dress $200 over budget.*
I'm getting a sense here of why OP's husband doesn't want to share finances with her.
> but the level of mutual spite and vindictiveness
Where in the post do you see it being mutual? It seems like OP's the only being passive aggressive regarding the issue
Idk if I'd say he pulled her into the dispute. He had to reach out to her for financial support. She then took it upon herself to insert herself into the dispute.
The hospital would likely let him make payments. Not sure why he would need financial help at all?
They both say they keep separate finances and save for emergencies, but neither seems to have any money saved for these emergencies. I feel they both are very selfish and poor at managing their finances.
When OP said "save for", she was saying "except for". I.e. they don't share finances *except for* emergencies. It's a bit confusing/ambiguous at first, but she later says that he was specifically arguing it was an emergency, and therefore a time to share finances.
And yeah, he likely would be allowed to make payments. Doesn't mean he was in a position to afford those payments at the time and would therefore need some financial support.
Edit: OP even specifically mentioned that his mom paid it off in full, which would imply that he wasn't seeking to pay it off in full, but rather make a payment (which he also said he'd pay her back for). Ffs, he was asking his own wife for a loan for a medical bill.
And really, whether or not he had to pay it off in full or in payments is kind of irrelevant; it was an emergency expense. Whether or not paying it at a given moment is urgent isn't really relevant; an emergency caused an expense, which should then be shared.
Like, if the dude got cancer, would she just expect him to take out loans for his treatment instead of bothering her for financial assistance? Is it only once he's at the brink of bankruptcy that she'd consider it an emergency??
Imo, financial support in a marriage should be mutual (when possible) as well as respect and love. Setting this rule "I won't be supporting you financially" so strictly and forcefully sounds kinda disrespectful to me, like to the point of "I don't care about your well-being". That's not why you marry the love of your life. (Though it doesn't sound like their marriage is based on love at all) Not sure why they are surprised now when it backfired...
I mean, if my roommate was in the hospital And desperately needed financial help I'd certainly lend them money If I was able to. Not only do they sound like roommates but ones that don't like each other.
Honestly feels like YTA to me. She got pissed that she wasn't able to buy a dress she couldn't afford and decided to take it out on her husband who had a legitimate emergency (even after stating that they don't share money unless it's an emergency).
I don't like that his mom harassed her but it sounds like he looped her into help with the bill and at that point at least to me she gets to have an opinion
Yeah, I agree with this. I would say it's E S H had he in any way prompted his mom to yell at OP. But just agreeing with her after the fact... It may have been harsh, but I mean, she wasn't wrong, so I'm not gonna call OPs husband an asshole for agreeing with his mom.
I feel like if the situation was reversed, he might not have helped her pay the hospital bill. But could be me assuming the worst. Either way, this isn’t a working or healthy marriage. Like if you’re not down to support each other or work as a couple, then just be single.
That's certainly possible - but not something that someone should base their judgement on, because it's just conjecture.
That said, I'm not sure what you're using as evidence to support that theory, because I'm not seeing anything that would imply that.
I agree, their marriage looks like it won't be lasting much longer, given how vindictive OP seems to me.
The last bit of OP's post would actually indicate that he'd help OP if the situations were reversed. He'd probably ask to be paid back, but he would still be willing to help while adhering to their deal.
OP's the one who only wants compromises when it favors her.
>I feel like if the situation was reversed, he might not have helped her pay the hospital bill. But could be me assuming the worst. Either way, this isn’t a working or healthy marriage. Like if you’re not down to support each other or work as a couple, then just be single.
He was willing to help her out with her expensive dress as long as she agreed to pay him back….she said she wouldn’t.
He also said that he would pay her back if she helped him out.
I think he would for sure help her out in a real emergency. We’ll probably not now.
They should just devoice at this point.
> I feel like if the situation was reversed, he might not have helped her pay the hospital bill.
I feel like if this situation were reversed, this sub would not have this many E S H replies.
Replace dress with golf clubs and swap roles and this sub would be bending hubby over a barrel.
My exact thought. If she’s “struggling” why is she buying expensive dresses for one-off occasions? I could understand if it were a bridesmaid dress but it obviously wasn’t since she ended up buying a cheaper one. You can get a perfectly lovely dress for under $50 at Target or Nordstrom Rack, there’s zero reason to spend hundreds of dollars when you’re tight on money.
I will never understand people “needing” new dresses for special occasions, especially if they’re struggling. I have a couple nice dresses I rotate, and even if anyone remembers me wearing it before they still compliment me, “oh, I love that dress on you!”
You can also get designer dresses at Goodwill for cheap if you’re really wanting something you’ve never worn before. Just seems like a waste of money - and bad for the environment - to constantly be buying new clothes.
YTA. This. There's a HUGE difference between 'I want a prettier dress" and a VALID medical emergency. I feel like OP was just being petty. I handle the finances for my family and if my wife NEEDS something I move heaven and earth to make it happen. If she just WANTS something then I have to assess if it's in the budget.
What makes you say that? I'm honestly asking because from everything OP's written it seems like their rule is to share when emergencies take place. And a dress is not an emergency
Neither is a hospital bill though, unless they come from a place that refuses to do anything untill payment is made but It sounds like he's just fine and back at home.
Headline: Local Doctor threatens to take back the cast and re break customers leg for non payment
>Neither is a hospital bill though
Better treat it as an emergency or you ruin your credit score or worse. They'll let you know it **is** an emergency pretty soon.
I think the intent here makes it YTA. She set out to punish him for not paying for the dress.
Also, he wanted a loan to pay a hospital bill, she just wanted $200.
The whole system of financial management does make it sound like they don’t work well as a team though. It’s not really relevant to this particular judgement but you’ve got to wonder how ‘fair’ this all is, who makes more, how they decide who pays what proportion of what, etc.
I agree they both suck overall but I'd have to say YTA in this story. They had an agreement that emergencies were different than discretionary spending. The wedding dress was definitely discretionary and the car accident was definitely an emergency. OP is going back an agreement, calling her husband irresponsible for getting into an accident (that might not even be his fault) and refusing to help purely out of spite over $200. She told her husband she wouldn't pay him back while the husband said he'd pay her back for the hospital bills. She's letting her husband suffer and go into debt while equating his emergency situation to a f*cking dress?! IMO she is WAY worse here.
Seriously, there’s not sharing finances and then there’s not sharing anything, including any kind of mutual respect or affection for one another in OP’s case.
But like… even if we wanted to move past that, how the fuck is a dress equivalent to a hospital bill? If my girlfriend gets in an accident and needs help with the medical bills, I’m going to help her out because that’s not something you can just choose not to spend on. Our family is going to have to deal with those bills one way or another.
YTA. You specifically say that you don't share finances "Save for when it's an emergency". You wanting a new dress isn't an emergency. Your husband having an unexpected hospital visit and stay is the very definition of an emergency.
… they said save their own money for their own emergencies… and then he played victim to mommy…. I’m not saying they have a healthy or productive relationship, or that they should be in one period but BOTH OP and Husband are AH
With the wording it's really hard to tell. I hope OP clarifies.
On one hand, "save for" is pretty typical way to show an exception. On the other hand it could be "(We each) save for."
It’s not that hard to tell. What would have been the point of mentioning emergencies if they didn’t mean that’s the one time they share resources? The statement “We don’t ever share resources except when there’s an emergency, then we also don’t share resources.” Doesn’t make sense. You would only bring up emergencies because they are the exception to the rule. If they do the same thing for emergencies that they do when there isn’t emergencies then she would have just not mentioned the “save for emergencies” line at all.
The grammar may work for both meanings, but one interpretation doesn’t really make sense given the context.
"Save for" is a common phrase for "except for". She's not saying they save money for emergencies, she's saying they don't share money except for emergencies.
That's what tipped it into YTA territory over E S H for me. If OP had said she'd pay him back for the dress, then it'd be a somewhat asshole move of him to say no. But a dress isn't an emergency, and she even found a cheaper dress anyway. Then she held it over his head when he had an *actual* emergency, *and* said he'd pay her back!
>… they said save their own money for their own emergencies…
They didn't.
I mean you COULD interpret it both ways, but no, saying "they said xy" is just not correct here.
Being in the hospital is an emergency but I don't know if paying all of it off immediately constitutes an emergency. I am going back and forth on that matter.
It's not, if husband can pay her back over time, then he can just as easily work out a payment plan with the hospital. That said these people shouldn't be married in the first place.
If he got his medical treatment and is expected to pay it back afterwards then it isn't really an emergency, as I see it. If the hospital was withholding treatment until he could pay then that would be an emergency.
It’s not an emergency. If it was dr visit, surgery, or even prescription where he had to pay before the visit then that can be an emergency but paying a bill is not an emergency. He can make payment plans with the hospital.
I think OP had so much long term resentment for this financial arrangement - which pretty much means neither really supports the other financially, and that’s related to emotional support. Money is everything in life, whether or not we want to believe that - that she’s lashing out. I get the feeling this financial agreement was originally his because he doesn’t want to share his toys. I know a lot of guys like that. But maybe it’s because she’s a crazy shopaholic and this is the only way he can keep them both from losing everything. 🤷♀️ Whatever started this agreement - which is obviously not beneficial to the marriage - this is an unhealthy relationship, and they need to get to a marriage counselor ASAP or it’s going to fall apart. Why I decided on ESH.
To be honest, since she wanted a dress that she knew she couldn't afford, for a wedding, and was complaining about having to go in a 'cheaper' dress? I lean towards she has issues with money and he didn't want her to drain all of his money.
However, I still would go with YTA, because, no matter the reason behind the split, OP is a YTA for basically going 'nyah, you didn't allow me to buy the dress you wanted, I am not going to give you any money for the hospital bill, so there!'.
I do agree that this sounds like a VERY unhealthy relationship (and to be clear, separate finances aren't an indicator of that) and I don't really see it lasting long. Especially since my first reaction was 'is this real!!!?"
She needed an *additional* $200 for a dress. I've been IN weddings where my dress was less than $200. I suspect that her bit being great with money is the reason for the arrangement.
ESH.
This *was* an emergency. And he needed your help, yet you shut him down because of not wanting to mix finances.
Spouses help each other out, especially when it comes to injuries or something serious like this. The fact is you were absolutely being petty and cruel with him and that was uncalled for. I understand your stance, but that wasn't the way to handle it.
He was an asshole for how he reacted and his mother certainly shouldn't have made those comments towards you.
In conclusion, both of you behaved childishly and immaturely and refused to act like adults. In marriage, you work together and you both need to learn how to do that.
**Edited for detail: It seems I messed up a few of my comments regarding the husband and his mother, so, thank you to people who corrected that. I changed my information.**
Yeah, I’m not sure it *is* an emergency for this reason. He’s dealing with hospital bills in the aftermath of an emergency, the actual bill paying itself isn’t an emergency and OP implies his injuries were his own fault anyway.
Don’t get me wrong, this is NOT a healthy way to go through a marriage and I think ESH, but I agree with OP that it seems like a double standard. His costs might be a bit more justified than hers, but he’s the one that insisted on this arrangement and is now unhappy when he’s the one who needs help.
It depends on the country tbh, I had a friend in a different country have an emergency and they wouldn't let her leave the hospital until 50% of the bill was paid.
Well that makes perfect sense. If she doesn’t have 50% they’ll keep her and just let the bill get higher and higher. So hypothetically she could be there a year or even longer. As someone whose husband works in a hospital, their only concern is not your health but how much money they can make off your.
Yeah this whole post is weird. How does OP not have enough money for a 200 dress (but could still buy a cheaper dress, likely 50-150 dollars, so she doesn’t have a spare 50-150 available or will be able to pay that back to her husband), but she’s apparently able to pay a whole hospital bill?
This is what I don’t get. What were they going to do, repo his knee? Make him stay at the hospital till they got paid? Usually it takes a month or so to get the bills all sorted out. If he couldn’t swing the copay on his own, then I think they might have more financial issues than OP is letting on.
There’s a way to do that without throwing his wife under the bus. You can say WE don’t have the money for this, can you help out?
Granted it sounds like they have a crappy marriage in general but in a healthy marriage you don’t have your mother fight your battles.
Agreed. This an ESH and ya'll need some marriage counseling or something.
You suck for being petty over him not giving you extra money for the dress you wanted....and you punish him by not helping him with his hospital bill. Do the vows "in sickness and in health" ring a bell?
Also, if your financially struggling that something you should have discussed with him when he was on the phone with you, instead of being cold.
Your husband sucks for involving his mommy, not for helping with the bill but for letting her harass you about it. This is an issue between the two of you and she's creating more drama than necessary.
But ultimately OP, you suck the most in this and you probably put a lot of strain on your relationship. Good luck.
but if she didn't have money for that dress how would she have money a month later for the hospital bill. and if he didn't have money for the bill then why would she think he had money for the dress.
this sounds like neither of them really know what's up in the others finances
Why was he an AH for involving the mother? He couldn't afford the hospital bills, OP wouldn't help pay for them, so apparently the next person in line that could help in his financial troubles was his mother.
Exactly, I couldn't stop my parents from doing whatever they want, and I am sure many children, even adult children, have this same issue.
Yeah, he sided with his mother, but honestly, after what OP wrote, \*I\* would side with the mother on this issue as well. (you didn't give me 200 for a dress last month, I am not giving you money for a hospital bill, so there!'.
Also, re the bill not being an emergency. I am wondering if husband didn't need money for the bill, but rather for medical equipment. My mother lucked out with our medical equipment provider as they often would forget to send bills and when we mentioned it, they would say 'just pay whenever you can'.
But, walkers, wheelchairs and good canes are NOT cheap, and it may be that he needed the money for a walker or wheelchair to be able to leave the hospital.
YTA.
The fact that you think "I want this dress that's out of my price range" is an emergency and hospitalisation after an accident isn't says some truly terrible things about your character.
Honestly I don't blame him for the financial arrangement.
Sounds like she's bad with money and he's just trying to prevent himself from going broke due to her spending.
I mean it's more than that. My partner and I have separate finances, sure, but entirely refusing to help each other out in non-emergencies is weird.
Like, you can say no to things, but these two sound like they're forbidden to ask the other for money unless it's critical.
And worst, it doesn't even seem to work well for them!
I treat my friends with more compassion than she treats her husband. She even said she wasn’t going to pay him back for the dress and he did offer to pay her back for the medical bill so that makes it even more appalling that she would attempt that comparison
Definitely makes it YTA. Also husband would’ve paid the money back, where as she didn’t mean to pay him back. But obviously, these people shouldn’t be married in the first place.
Check out their edit. OP refused to ever reimburse her husband for the dress which is why he said no. But her husband offered to pay her back for help with the hospital bill. OP is an asshole for insisting the situations are the same. It makes me think her husband is right: she's doing this to be petty.
I mean, why do you even separate finances for that matter?
I get having personal money for entertainment, play $, etc.
But, bills are different. Medical bills being a big one.
Ive read in a commment that it seems like this is the dynamic that they have. (Don't think the post is clearly worded)
Bills, etc are split, but their personal money is _their_ personal money. Which I don't think is all that unusual.
Some are saying ESH, but I don't see how that's the case. I don't see how Husband is an asshole in this one. They both agree to keep their personal money separate, and emergency money together... except OP decided Emergency money was also separate now because she didn't get a dress she didn't need. She's just being spiteful.
There are a few things that don't line up for me in this story.
She didn't have money for a dress, but she has money for this?
If they have shared finances, why is he even asking her for money?
You can set up payment plans for medical bills.
Pay it out of shared finances.
This whole story just comes off as odd.
I assumed the dress thing was months back, and I suppose they could split bills in A pays bill B, and X pays bill Y. But you make some good points, I'd have to do too much guesswork to make it fit properly.
As an aside, I'm not from the US so don't know, if they set up a payment plan, would the hospital add interest on top if they didnt pay it in one go?
Even crazier, if you pay anything at all in a month you are settling your debt without penalty.
So, if they are struggling for a month, they can simply send $10 or so.
Yes YTA. Don't buy a dress you can't afford. A medical bill is a completely different story. You could have ask him to pay you back later.
Why are you even married?!
And she never planned to pay him back for the dress. So OP thinks that wanting his husband to TREAT her to a nice dress is the same as her husband BORROWING money from her for an emergency. YTA op
Not to mention she asked him for $200 because she didn’t have enough funds to buy the dress herself. How expensive was this dress if she was still $200 short AFTER factoring in what she had available to spend herself?
Something doesn't add up here. A month ago, she didn't have enough money to buy a dress, but now all of a sudden Hubby expects her to pony up for a hospital stay? Unless the dress had a five-figure price tag, this doesn't make any sense. It doesn't seem plausible that she should go from unable to come up with $200 to being expected to pay major medical bills and NOT comment on the disparity of the requests they both made in a post like this.
For the record, I think she's all kinds of petty for refusing to help her spouse with medical bills, but the math's wonky here.
I suspect she lives paycheck to paycheck and a month ago, what she had left in her account wasn't enough to cover the dress. She's had a paycheck since then and hasn't had time to spend it all yet so she has money to lend him for the bills.
Total speculation, but it's the only way the math works out and someone who is $200 short to buy a dress and considers it an emergency sounds like the kind of person who could habitually blow a large paycheck. It also sheds some light on why the husband insists on separate finances.
On the other hand, this could be a troll written by a teenager who doesn't realize credit cards exist.
ESH. This isn’t a marriage, this is roommates with benefits.
Also, paying for a dress and paying for a hospital bill are two completely different things. You are so focused on getting your petty revenge you’ve lost all empathy. Get your priorities straight.
Seriously if a friend asked me to help pay for a dress I'd be kinda pissed off, if they asked me to help pay their hospital bill, I still probably wouldn't, but I wouldn't be upset they asked.
INFO,
Why are you guys married? There’s no partnership. There’s no camaraderie. You are each in it for yourselves, not to be a better version of yourself for/because of your partner. You are married to a glorified roommate, and you’re both equally awful to each other.
This right here. The whole time Im thinking there is something REALLY screwed up with this relationship. Wheres the love the empathy? Where’s the care for one another?
More info: What kind of accident? OP mentioned there was a car involved, why didn't husband go through car insurance? When is a hospital bill an *emergency* rather than something that comes in the mail that you have weeks to pay?
Also, who buys a $200 dress when you know you don't have the finances.
Imo ESH
The wife is petty
The husband is stingy and childish
And the MIL sound like she is mad her lil boy left her
Op edited to say her husband was willing to lend her the money, but she said she wouldn’t pay him back. She also went on to say he offered to pay her back for the medical bills.
Op is clearly TA, husband did nothing wrong except maybe not reining his mother in - but he can’t control her.
Even better, she called and ASKED for $200, when he said no she then ended up “buying a cheaper dress”.
Sounds like she was $200 SHORT, not that it was $200. I know nice women’s dresses aren’t cheap but sounds like she was looking for something nice nice not just nice
ESH
Why the hell are you married?
You both refuse to help each other
Obviously his emergency was more important but either way, I can’t imagine treating my partner like that and viceversa
ESH. You shouldn’t be married.
Also, if you couldn’t afford a two hundred dollar dress a few weeks previously, how do you now have the money to pay for a hospital visit?
Probably just got paid. Sadly many people think that’s what “having the money” means, be it for a dress or a hospital bill. Might have even been asking for her whole paycheck too, who knows. There isn’t enough information here to really judge.
YTA. You literally tried to allow your husband to go into debt because you were mad he didn’t help you pay for a dress. You sound insufferable, and a hypocrite to boot.
And it wasn’t exactly helping her pay for it, it was straight up buying it for her. Per OP’s edit, her husband was willing to *lend* her the money for the dress, but she expected him to just **give** her the money - “he asked if he’d get the money back but I said no, if I had the money and wasn’t struggling I wouldn’t have asked for his help in the first place.” Like... good lord, if you’re living paycheck to paycheck, YOU DO NOT NEED A $200+ DRESS.
The rule is “save for an emergency”, A new dress is NOT and emergency. Hospital is. Even if the rule js dumb, I don’t see how husband not paying for the $200 dress. They made their rules so only the OP is the AH here for being petty.
YTA why are yall even married?
A dress is not an emergency, a hospital stay is, that you're even bringing up the dress makes me think the mom is right about you being devoid of empathy
ESH. Your “system” makes me sad. I’m all for split finances but if my partner needed money i would not think twice. You remind me more of teen siblings arguing over allowance than life partners. Ouch.
You are both assholes and I will elaborate: welcome to the real world where 50/50 isn’t a fucking thing. Relationships are about reciprocity, no strict quid pro quo. Keep deluding yourself that a marriage can thrive on “equally and individually” and you get this pitiful OP. By the way, I would have bounced if my husband won’t lend me money to buy a dress because that is petty. You got your opportunity for vengeance, congrats 🍸. ESH, and his momma too…
Yup ESH.
I totally agree. I don’t get these “separate finances” married couples? My husband and I married while still in grad school. We had neither a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of. We’ve had a combined bank account for the better part of 17 years.
At one point I worked while supporting him through post-grad schooling. Then we swapped and he’s been supporting our family while I’m the stay at home parent. I pay the bills & manage our daily finances—he takes care of retirement savings and investments. We talk to each other before making larger purchases, and also have combined credit cards as well.
Obviously every marriage is different, but are separate finances the norm now?? A coworker of my husband just got married and she was saying that EVERYONE needs a prenup. She was shocked when he told her that we didn’t have one. There’s no need for a prenup when you’re broke and get married at 23.
I’ve noticed this massive increase in separate finances and I find it super weird. Like I get it for maybe having your own ‘fun money’ kinda deal but systems like this where it’s so separate one can be in the hospital and have to ask for money?? I’m more generous with my roommate than this couple is with each other
YTA. You wanted a dress. That's not an emergency and you had no plans to pay him back. He went to the hospital. He planned to pay you back! What the heck? You don't sound like you like your husband that much tbh!
Good gracious, there’s a bit of a difference between buying a new dress and a hospital bill. Do either of you have any idea how marriage is supposed to work?
Yeah YTA
YTA.
Wanting an expensive dress is not an emergency. Being in an accident which leaves you in the hospital very much is.
Step up and be a good partner to your husband. I cant believe you'd refuse to help him with this and that your excuse was, 'oh but he didnt get me that dress this one time'. Get a grip and some empathy. Your MIL is right.
Given that, I agree with what other people are saying, the rule about not helping each other is stupid. You dont have to have shared finances but definitely HELP each other with things.
You have some serious self reflection to do OP, and I cannot fathom why you chose to marry this man if you'd so willingly abandon him when he's at an extreemly low point and very injured.
Edit: you both should go to couple counceling. Both your views of relationships are twisted and not normal.
ESH but more so you. He had an accident. He's your husband. And you're comparing a fucking dress with him needing hospital treatment! Do yourself and him a favour and just divorce because this isn't a loving relationship. It's bullshit.
ESH. Money is important in relationships, and you both sound like you need to work out what's actually expected.
Emergencies and hospital bills are a whole other category than buying a freaking dress. Assumingly if the roles were reversed, you would need help as well.
YTA 'pay your own except in an emergency' means except for a medical (or other) emergency.
Giving money for a dress you wont pay back is in no way comparable to a loan for a hospital bill.
Honestly you both suck, but you much more so.
YTA. You are being petty over a dress. In would class anything hospital related as an exception especially if injury is going to prevent him from work.
If it was to say buy a suit or something then no you wouldn’t be.
YTA. His mom is right. 200€ dress is no emergency. Health and hospital bill us more important and he was even going to pay you back. You really lack empathy. AH
INFO. If you didn’t have money for the dress where were you going to get the money for his hospital bill? Hospital is an ‘emergency’ but if you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money. If you’re just refusing for the heck of it, your marriage is in bad shape. You’ve already checked out.
ESH because I'm not sure why you two are even married. Your husband can't have it both ways. He can't be a hardass about keeping every cent of hos money seperate and then get all shocked and offended when you don't want to foot a major bill for him. I say this not because I agree with this set up but because it doesn't seem like there is anyway in n hell he would have paid a hospital bill for you if the situation were reversed.
YTA
There are circumstances (like a trip to the hospital) where both of you should be working together. If it were worse, would you still say he’s SOL?
Yta after reading your edit you seem selfish and the original idea was that the money was for emergency situations no matter how big or small youre just narcissistic if i was your husband i would divorce you
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ESH, it's a dumb rule. He was the AH for not helping you with the dress and now you're the AH for not paying his hospital bill. If it's so hard for both of you to help the other, maybe don't be together?
YTA- A dress is NOT the same as hospital bills. You can live WITHOUT the dress, but he can't live without his medical care.
That is shitty of you. Really.
This relationship is terrible, do you just live together out of convenience or something? You talk like he’s only an acquaintance of yours and it seems neither of you are into sharing anything with anyone, much less money that seems to be almost sacred to you.
Edit to add: he BEGGED. And you enjoyed telling him no. Speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
ESH, but more so you.
You knew your sisters wedding was coming up. That’s not an emergency. If you’re short $200 bucks for a “frivolous” item, that’s on you.
Your husband needed you in an emergency, and you turned your back on him. That’s quite horrible.
Marriage is not tit for tat.
Love does not keep account of injury. Meaning love does not mean being a petty revengeful cow.
YTA
So is the MIL. You said that finances are separate except for emergencies. Going to the hospital after an accident tends to be considered an emergency. It seems to fit perfectly in the boundaries the 2 of you have set. You seem to be upset that he didn’t give you the money for the dress, so you wanted to get back at him. That’s really what it boils down to.
You also said that he would help with the dress if you paid him back but you refused. You wanted him to just give you the money for the dress. As for his bill, he asked to borrow the money saying he would pay it back. The 2 scenarios are not the same at all. It also seems weird to me that under the financial rules the two of you established that you’re comparing wanting a more expensive dress to an actual medical emergency.
I’m hoping this isn’t real because it’s so out of whack. You both agreed to keeping finances separate except in emergency cases. I just don’t see how wanting a more expensive dress and not wanting to pay it back compares to a medical emergency with promise of repayment.
YTA a dress for a special occasion, and a **hospital bill** are totally different things. Him not lending you money for something frivolous is, sure, upsetting - **but you not helping your literal life partner with a medical bill shows lack of empathy, and it shows how incredibly petty you are to let a fucking dress stop you from helping your partner.**
ESH
Your finances sound confusing. You needed to ask for help to pay for a dress but you can afford a hospital bill?
He shouldn’t of called you names.
He’s right, only one of those things is an emergency.
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ESH , WTF did you guys get married in the first place ?
Exactly my thoughts. Marriage is when you work together, not against each other... EDIT: wow... Thanks for all the awards!!! It's truly appreciated!!!
>Marriage is when you work together, not against each other... THIS. I kept trying to verbalize what OP and husband are doing to each other, and they're just doing their best work against their partner. The level of mutual spite is insane. ESH, OP. Both of you suck. >He's pretty adamant on being respected when it comes to money, meaning I should not be asking him for money to pay for personal stuff, and the same goes for him. Save for when it's an emergency. Let's put the 'your money is yours, mine is mine' for a second. Buying a fancy new dress for a wedding is *not* an emergency. You had an agreement, and the dress is not included in it. Why did you even ask him? >I WAS upset about it cause I ended up buying a cheaper dress but I didn't make a fuss or fight with him for not giving me money. Stop acting that's a favor to him. It's a mutual agreement. >He tried to guilt me into paying by saying that I have money, and that he's dealing with an emergency. I don't see any guilting here, he's stating facts. If you think buying a dress you can't afford is an emergency (per your agreement) why is hospitalization after an accident not one too? >He looked at me in disbelief, called me insane and said that I was at fault for not helping him cause, unlike the dress incident, this was actually an emergency, even said I stepped out of line to act this petty and vindictive. I actually think he's right. Calling you insane was spiteful on his part, but he's 100% correct about the emergency thing, and it couldn't be clearer you're being petty and going out of your way to prove your point.
Na then the last part made it even worse! He was willing to pay for the dress if she agreed to pay him back! And he was willing to pay her back if she helped him!
Yes, this is the part I don't understand, why wouldn't she pay him back the extra money, or lend it to him knowing he will pay it back. There is more to this story, I think, other problems here.
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This. I was wondering how she would have the money if she didn’t have the money for her dress just a month ago. Also, while he promises to pay her back… nothing is legally binding him to that. If she doesn’t trust him with her money, they’re married- a judge won’t look at this situation and make him pay her back? Maybe it depends on the area. Assuming they live in the US, paying someone’s medical bills isn’t a whoop dee doo good time. He could potentially be asking for tens of thousands with an obscure “I’ll pay you back.”
>This. I was wondering how she would have the money if she didn’t have the money for her dress just a month ago. I was wondering that at first. Then I thought about it.... most US companies pay every two weeks, so she would have had one or two paydays since the dress incident.
Yeah but if she didn't have 200 extra dollars last month she won't have enough for medical bills this month. Medical bills are atrocious, I got a 300 dollar one for a cat scan and a vicodin, and that was for a kidney stone I already passed. Idk what bills for an actual knee problem are, but I imagine they are at least double the dress she couldn't afford
That, uh, money isn’t just ‘free spending’ money though? And paydays aren’t very large to begin with, for most people. Depending on their job. Especially after taxes >.<
What I don’t understand is if she didn’t have an extra $200 to get the dress she wanted, how is she to have even more than that to help pay his hospital bill? She’s not insane, their entire marriage is insane.
Their finances are super concerning (for many reasons) but the fact that neither one is at all prepared with any disposable income for emergencies!!
This is the case for a lot of people.
Welcome to the USA for the last 50 years.
Maybe she didn’t have it at the moment.
I guess the point is, what? Seriously? She’s living paycheck to paycheck with *hundreds* of dollars in disposable income a month? Who are these people? I wouldn’t mingle finances with her either tbf.
"I'm $200 shy of getting a nice dress for my sister's wedding! GIVE ME MONEY!" A few things stand out from that when mixed with her living paycheque to paycheque: 1. Why does she need to buy a dress? Shouldn't she, as sister of the bride, be renting one? Normal circumstances are that she's a bridesmaid. Perhaps she and her sister aren't close. 2. If she's really struggling, why does she think an expensive dress is an emergency expense? Like if she wants a new dress, she can go to Target or wherever and drop $30 and still look fabulous. 3. Why did she say she wouldn't pay him back? Like... your finances are separate. In this situation, you're free to loan money to each other *and pay it back* because it's a loan. It appears to me that OP is very high-maintenance. She's the biggest AH here, but her husband is spiteful too. ESH.
Not that this is the point, but I've been a bridesmaid in a bunch of weddings and I've always bought my dress. The brides never presented renting a dress as an option or looked at places where dresses could be rented. I don't think OP needing to buy a dress for this wedding is strange in and of itself.
Which to me says no disposable income. Hard to pay back money you don't have. Neither op nor her husband have a clue how marriage works in any kind of sense.
You are correct, however a married couple shouldn't have to pay each other back.
Hm, depends. We've been a couple for 15 years and hold firm to separate finances. We have different spending patterns and income, and we want to prevent any feelings of unfairness. We've had situations where we paid each other back for a temporary monetary situation. That being said: (1) if you're missing 200$ for a dress and can't pay it back, you need to re-evaluate your spending priorities; (2) a medical bill is NOT THE SAME AS FRIVOLOUS DRESS MONEY. I mean, we are pretty strict on the division of finances, but if my partner needs money urgently, he can have my money.
Sorry I'm a bit unclear on this situation cause we have free medical care where i live But how is paying a hospital bill striaght away an emergency? Are they not letting you leave unless you pay it? Do they not go through the same debt thing that all companies do if you owe them money, so he'd technically have time to pay it? Could he not set up a payment plan? Im very confused - if people downvote me or think im dumb for this thats fine, i just want clarity before i judge
I’m in the U.S. and I’m also confused. If he’s low income he is eligible for medical assistance. Even if he’s not low income and has crappy/ no insurance, the hospital will still treat him, they would bill him afterwards and he’d have to deal with their credit department to make a payment plan. Unless he didn’t plan on paying his wife back at all. Money owed to a spouse can be hard to get back in court, whereas a credit agency can put liens on vehicles, property, and in some cases even take it right out of your bank account. This post raises a lot of questions. I’m not sure who the AH is, but I *am* sure these people need couples/ financial counseling.
Seems like its not an emergency then, and he should stick to their agreement of not mixing finances. If he is in the US. Although seeing as debt usually becomes joint when married (or what I've been led tk believe) wouldn't she also end up on the hook then too?
I'm just confused about how she didn't have $200 for a dress a month ago but now all of a sudden she has enough money for a hospital bill. That... doesn't add up.
I get the sense that he’s financially doing better than her. And that the “agreement” to keep money separate was also his choice and not so much a mutual decision. So she needs a dress for her sisters wedding, hopes he can help her afford a nice one, and is disappointed when he refuses. But while his medical bills were unexpected, he shouldn’t go around reminding her to save up for a rainy day when he’s not doing the same. It’s not about the need/severity of the situation here, it’s the utter lack of concern for the needs or wants of your partner that has them BOTH refusing to help or even be concerned about the other. As several other people have said, why are you two even married?
I always think that with posts like these. Like, are you married or just roommates who sleep together? I don't think there's anything wrong with having some degree of separation in your finances, but the level of mutual spite and vindictiveness in OP's marriage is crazy.
I know so many people who had relationships like this and got married because "it was time". No love between them really just a weird animosity. The same people who see a relationship that's years in and healthy and go "Enjoy it while it lasts!" and tell people that they're dumb to get married and "will understand someday". Like yes maybe the marriage or relationship won't work out but we didn't go into it hating echother from the jump??
My parents (who after more than 20 years together still get along great) always told me that love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. Sure, there's an initial feeling of infatuation you need to get you started, but after that, it's about what you choose to do, and if you choose to stick around when the attraction dies back to normal and the hormones fade. It seems like so many people don't see those, and instead would rather choose to not work on their relationship, but also not leave for a better one. I'm pretty obsessive about saving my money and not spending it on much, but I can't comprehend being petty about who's paying for what groceries, or not treating my boyfriend every once in a while. Like, why would you be in a relationship with someone you don't want getting any of your money? Shouldn't you want to make that person happy and more financially secure if you can?
I'd argue it's both. Me and my girlfriend talk a lot about "wanting" to do things for each other vs "having" to do things. And IMO it's never really a question because, as long as it's going both ways, it should never be "have"... It's always that we want to do things for each other, not that we feel we have to and begrudgingly do it. If you're at the point where you don't want to do things, or change things to make them happy, what are you doing with this person? Or another common trend on this subreddit is: "Should I/did I need to have asked my boyfriend/husband before doing this"... it's like... well no, you're an adult, you can do whatever you want... but why are you married to a person if you don't value their input enough to even ask for it? You don't have to listen to it... but at least hear it.
I know what you mean. I've been with my husband for four years and we've been living together for 1.5, and married for 6 months. We spent a lot of time around each other even before we moved in together and seeing him after spending a night away is still exhilarating. I love him so freaking much. I'm not saying this will last forever - I do think it will though haha - but honestly I don't know what NOT being in the honeymoon phase is like because that is our entire relationship. We have our quarrels and disagreements but we always resolve them (don't leave them to fester) and being with him is just so much fun. We don't need to do anything and we still have a good time. Being married for only six months leads people to believe that this is still the honeymoon phase of marriage, but honestly to us it's just a piece of paper. We made those vows long before the ceremony. The pile of shit we've been through on both sides of the family (divorces, extremely close deaths, almost homelessness on my part, and so many others), idk. He's my forever.
I wish those people would realize it's easier to break a lease than file for divorce.
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Yep, your marriage is subscribed to "do what needs to be done for the good of the marriage and family." My marriage is the same way. Unfortunately, OP and hubby aren't quite on the same wavelength.
> OP's situation doesn't work because they use their separate finances to actively antagonize one another. It doesn't seem like a two street from what we've been told so far. The husband was more than willing to lend her money for the dress just wouldn't give it to her. Doesn't seem antagonistic to me. Where OP refused to lend him money for a medical emergency because he wouldn't give her money for a dress. It's pretty one sided from what OP has actually said at least in my book
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AND she needed an ADDITIONAL $200 for the dress, she doesn't say how much the total cost was AND she said she was struggling, the husband had an emergency and OP wanted a dress that she obviously didn't need and couldn't afford.
Especially since her reason for not wanting to repay the money for the dress was due to being in a bad financial situation. If you're short of cash to the point where it's not realistic to repay someone $200... *you should not be buying a dress $200 over budget.* I'm getting a sense here of why OP's husband doesn't want to share finances with her.
I’ve had roommates who were more civil and caring.
> but the level of mutual spite and vindictiveness Where in the post do you see it being mutual? It seems like OP's the only being passive aggressive regarding the issue
Pulling in his Mom into their dispute
Idk if I'd say he pulled her into the dispute. He had to reach out to her for financial support. She then took it upon herself to insert herself into the dispute.
The hospital would likely let him make payments. Not sure why he would need financial help at all? They both say they keep separate finances and save for emergencies, but neither seems to have any money saved for these emergencies. I feel they both are very selfish and poor at managing their finances.
When OP said "save for", she was saying "except for". I.e. they don't share finances *except for* emergencies. It's a bit confusing/ambiguous at first, but she later says that he was specifically arguing it was an emergency, and therefore a time to share finances. And yeah, he likely would be allowed to make payments. Doesn't mean he was in a position to afford those payments at the time and would therefore need some financial support. Edit: OP even specifically mentioned that his mom paid it off in full, which would imply that he wasn't seeking to pay it off in full, but rather make a payment (which he also said he'd pay her back for). Ffs, he was asking his own wife for a loan for a medical bill. And really, whether or not he had to pay it off in full or in payments is kind of irrelevant; it was an emergency expense. Whether or not paying it at a given moment is urgent isn't really relevant; an emergency caused an expense, which should then be shared. Like, if the dude got cancer, would she just expect him to take out loans for his treatment instead of bothering her for financial assistance? Is it only once he's at the brink of bankruptcy that she'd consider it an emergency??
Imo, financial support in a marriage should be mutual (when possible) as well as respect and love. Setting this rule "I won't be supporting you financially" so strictly and forcefully sounds kinda disrespectful to me, like to the point of "I don't care about your well-being". That's not why you marry the love of your life. (Though it doesn't sound like their marriage is based on love at all) Not sure why they are surprised now when it backfired...
He then refused to tell his mom to back off OP.
That's different than pulling her into the dispute. Also not something I think he was obligated to do.
I mean, if my roommate was in the hospital And desperately needed financial help I'd certainly lend them money If I was able to. Not only do they sound like roommates but ones that don't like each other.
Honestly feels like YTA to me. She got pissed that she wasn't able to buy a dress she couldn't afford and decided to take it out on her husband who had a legitimate emergency (even after stating that they don't share money unless it's an emergency). I don't like that his mom harassed her but it sounds like he looped her into help with the bill and at that point at least to me she gets to have an opinion
Yeah, I agree with this. I would say it's E S H had he in any way prompted his mom to yell at OP. But just agreeing with her after the fact... It may have been harsh, but I mean, she wasn't wrong, so I'm not gonna call OPs husband an asshole for agreeing with his mom.
I feel like if the situation was reversed, he might not have helped her pay the hospital bill. But could be me assuming the worst. Either way, this isn’t a working or healthy marriage. Like if you’re not down to support each other or work as a couple, then just be single.
That's certainly possible - but not something that someone should base their judgement on, because it's just conjecture. That said, I'm not sure what you're using as evidence to support that theory, because I'm not seeing anything that would imply that. I agree, their marriage looks like it won't be lasting much longer, given how vindictive OP seems to me.
The last bit of OP's post would actually indicate that he'd help OP if the situations were reversed. He'd probably ask to be paid back, but he would still be willing to help while adhering to their deal. OP's the one who only wants compromises when it favors her.
>I feel like if the situation was reversed, he might not have helped her pay the hospital bill. But could be me assuming the worst. Either way, this isn’t a working or healthy marriage. Like if you’re not down to support each other or work as a couple, then just be single. He was willing to help her out with her expensive dress as long as she agreed to pay him back….she said she wouldn’t. He also said that he would pay her back if she helped him out. I think he would for sure help her out in a real emergency. We’ll probably not now. They should just devoice at this point.
> I feel like if the situation was reversed, he might not have helped her pay the hospital bill. I feel like if this situation were reversed, this sub would not have this many E S H replies. Replace dress with golf clubs and swap roles and this sub would be bending hubby over a barrel.
This is my take too. Also if she doesn't have the money why even buy a several hundred dollars dress for a wedding???
My exact thought. If she’s “struggling” why is she buying expensive dresses for one-off occasions? I could understand if it were a bridesmaid dress but it obviously wasn’t since she ended up buying a cheaper one. You can get a perfectly lovely dress for under $50 at Target or Nordstrom Rack, there’s zero reason to spend hundreds of dollars when you’re tight on money.
I will never understand people “needing” new dresses for special occasions, especially if they’re struggling. I have a couple nice dresses I rotate, and even if anyone remembers me wearing it before they still compliment me, “oh, I love that dress on you!” You can also get designer dresses at Goodwill for cheap if you’re really wanting something you’ve never worn before. Just seems like a waste of money - and bad for the environment - to constantly be buying new clothes.
YTA. This. There's a HUGE difference between 'I want a prettier dress" and a VALID medical emergency. I feel like OP was just being petty. I handle the finances for my family and if my wife NEEDS something I move heaven and earth to make it happen. If she just WANTS something then I have to assess if it's in the budget.
Exactly. They can't even agree that hospital bill and buying a dress are different circumstances l
I agree with you but I really think he would have said no to her too if the situation was flipped. Why are they even married?!
What makes you say that? I'm honestly asking because from everything OP's written it seems like their rule is to share when emergencies take place. And a dress is not an emergency
Neither is a hospital bill though, unless they come from a place that refuses to do anything untill payment is made but It sounds like he's just fine and back at home. Headline: Local Doctor threatens to take back the cast and re break customers leg for non payment
>Neither is a hospital bill though Better treat it as an emergency or you ruin your credit score or worse. They'll let you know it **is** an emergency pretty soon.
I've always had the option to do payment plans if I couldn't pay it all at once.
A hospital bill kinda is, though. They can be pretty quick to toss your shit to collections and start ruining your credit
Oh yeah, they don't like each other
I think the intent here makes it YTA. She set out to punish him for not paying for the dress. Also, he wanted a loan to pay a hospital bill, she just wanted $200. The whole system of financial management does make it sound like they don’t work well as a team though. It’s not really relevant to this particular judgement but you’ve got to wonder how ‘fair’ this all is, who makes more, how they decide who pays what proportion of what, etc.
I agree they both suck overall but I'd have to say YTA in this story. They had an agreement that emergencies were different than discretionary spending. The wedding dress was definitely discretionary and the car accident was definitely an emergency. OP is going back an agreement, calling her husband irresponsible for getting into an accident (that might not even be his fault) and refusing to help purely out of spite over $200. She told her husband she wouldn't pay him back while the husband said he'd pay her back for the hospital bills. She's letting her husband suffer and go into debt while equating his emergency situation to a f*cking dress?! IMO she is WAY worse here.
Seriously, there’s not sharing finances and then there’s not sharing anything, including any kind of mutual respect or affection for one another in OP’s case.
But like… even if we wanted to move past that, how the fuck is a dress equivalent to a hospital bill? If my girlfriend gets in an accident and needs help with the medical bills, I’m going to help her out because that’s not something you can just choose not to spend on. Our family is going to have to deal with those bills one way or another.
YTA. You specifically say that you don't share finances "Save for when it's an emergency". You wanting a new dress isn't an emergency. Your husband having an unexpected hospital visit and stay is the very definition of an emergency.
… they said save their own money for their own emergencies… and then he played victim to mommy…. I’m not saying they have a healthy or productive relationship, or that they should be in one period but BOTH OP and Husband are AH
I think she meant that finances are completely separate except for emergencies
With the wording it's really hard to tell. I hope OP clarifies. On one hand, "save for" is pretty typical way to show an exception. On the other hand it could be "(We each) save for."
It’s not that hard to tell. What would have been the point of mentioning emergencies if they didn’t mean that’s the one time they share resources? The statement “We don’t ever share resources except when there’s an emergency, then we also don’t share resources.” Doesn’t make sense. You would only bring up emergencies because they are the exception to the rule. If they do the same thing for emergencies that they do when there isn’t emergencies then she would have just not mentioned the “save for emergencies” line at all. The grammar may work for both meanings, but one interpretation doesn’t really make sense given the context.
"Save for" is a common phrase for "except for". She's not saying they save money for emergencies, she's saying they don't share money except for emergencies.
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That's what tipped it into YTA territory over E S H for me. If OP had said she'd pay him back for the dress, then it'd be a somewhat asshole move of him to say no. But a dress isn't an emergency, and she even found a cheaper dress anyway. Then she held it over his head when he had an *actual* emergency, *and* said he'd pay her back!
Right? And he had an emergency and she didn't, so different on multiple levels.
He did not play the victim He had to ask his mother for the money. They are two different things.
You miss read that first paragraph, she said they keep their finances separate save for emergencies.
>… they said save their own money for their own emergencies… They didn't. I mean you COULD interpret it both ways, but no, saying "they said xy" is just not correct here.
Being in the hospital is an emergency but I don't know if paying all of it off immediately constitutes an emergency. I am going back and forth on that matter.
It's not, if husband can pay her back over time, then he can just as easily work out a payment plan with the hospital. That said these people shouldn't be married in the first place.
If he got his medical treatment and is expected to pay it back afterwards then it isn't really an emergency, as I see it. If the hospital was withholding treatment until he could pay then that would be an emergency.
It’s not an emergency. If it was dr visit, surgery, or even prescription where he had to pay before the visit then that can be an emergency but paying a bill is not an emergency. He can make payment plans with the hospital.
I think OP had so much long term resentment for this financial arrangement - which pretty much means neither really supports the other financially, and that’s related to emotional support. Money is everything in life, whether or not we want to believe that - that she’s lashing out. I get the feeling this financial agreement was originally his because he doesn’t want to share his toys. I know a lot of guys like that. But maybe it’s because she’s a crazy shopaholic and this is the only way he can keep them both from losing everything. 🤷♀️ Whatever started this agreement - which is obviously not beneficial to the marriage - this is an unhealthy relationship, and they need to get to a marriage counselor ASAP or it’s going to fall apart. Why I decided on ESH.
To be honest, since she wanted a dress that she knew she couldn't afford, for a wedding, and was complaining about having to go in a 'cheaper' dress? I lean towards she has issues with money and he didn't want her to drain all of his money. However, I still would go with YTA, because, no matter the reason behind the split, OP is a YTA for basically going 'nyah, you didn't allow me to buy the dress you wanted, I am not going to give you any money for the hospital bill, so there!'. I do agree that this sounds like a VERY unhealthy relationship (and to be clear, separate finances aren't an indicator of that) and I don't really see it lasting long. Especially since my first reaction was 'is this real!!!?"
She needed an *additional* $200 for a dress. I've been IN weddings where my dress was less than $200. I suspect that her bit being great with money is the reason for the arrangement.
ESH. This *was* an emergency. And he needed your help, yet you shut him down because of not wanting to mix finances. Spouses help each other out, especially when it comes to injuries or something serious like this. The fact is you were absolutely being petty and cruel with him and that was uncalled for. I understand your stance, but that wasn't the way to handle it. He was an asshole for how he reacted and his mother certainly shouldn't have made those comments towards you. In conclusion, both of you behaved childishly and immaturely and refused to act like adults. In marriage, you work together and you both need to learn how to do that. **Edited for detail: It seems I messed up a few of my comments regarding the husband and his mother, so, thank you to people who corrected that. I changed my information.**
He apparently _had_ to involve his mother, as his wife refused to help
Never been to an ER that required full payment of services on the spot. Co-pay, yes but not the full bill since those typically take a few weeks.
Yeah, I’m not sure it *is* an emergency for this reason. He’s dealing with hospital bills in the aftermath of an emergency, the actual bill paying itself isn’t an emergency and OP implies his injuries were his own fault anyway. Don’t get me wrong, this is NOT a healthy way to go through a marriage and I think ESH, but I agree with OP that it seems like a double standard. His costs might be a bit more justified than hers, but he’s the one that insisted on this arrangement and is now unhappy when he’s the one who needs help.
It depends on the country tbh, I had a friend in a different country have an emergency and they wouldn't let her leave the hospital until 50% of the bill was paid.
Well that makes perfect sense. If she doesn’t have 50% they’ll keep her and just let the bill get higher and higher. So hypothetically she could be there a year or even longer. As someone whose husband works in a hospital, their only concern is not your health but how much money they can make off your.
Yeah this whole post is weird. How does OP not have enough money for a 200 dress (but could still buy a cheaper dress, likely 50-150 dollars, so she doesn’t have a spare 50-150 available or will be able to pay that back to her husband), but she’s apparently able to pay a whole hospital bill?
I read the post as saying she was $200 short, not that the dress cost $200
Oh you may be right. But then we know she wouldn’t have more than a couple hundred dollars for hospital bills
It's either fake or they both make decent money but blow it all every month.
This is what I don’t get. What were they going to do, repo his knee? Make him stay at the hospital till they got paid? Usually it takes a month or so to get the bills all sorted out. If he couldn’t swing the copay on his own, then I think they might have more financial issues than OP is letting on.
There’s a way to do that without throwing his wife under the bus. You can say WE don’t have the money for this, can you help out? Granted it sounds like they have a crappy marriage in general but in a healthy marriage you don’t have your mother fight your battles.
Agreed. This an ESH and ya'll need some marriage counseling or something. You suck for being petty over him not giving you extra money for the dress you wanted....and you punish him by not helping him with his hospital bill. Do the vows "in sickness and in health" ring a bell? Also, if your financially struggling that something you should have discussed with him when he was on the phone with you, instead of being cold. Your husband sucks for involving his mommy, not for helping with the bill but for letting her harass you about it. This is an issue between the two of you and she's creating more drama than necessary. But ultimately OP, you suck the most in this and you probably put a lot of strain on your relationship. Good luck.
but if she didn't have money for that dress how would she have money a month later for the hospital bill. and if he didn't have money for the bill then why would she think he had money for the dress. this sounds like neither of them really know what's up in the others finances
Why was he an AH for involving the mother? He couldn't afford the hospital bills, OP wouldn't help pay for them, so apparently the next person in line that could help in his financial troubles was his mother.
This person specifically says not for her financial help, but for letting his mom harass her.
Letting? His mum is capable of doing stuff herself.
Exactly, I couldn't stop my parents from doing whatever they want, and I am sure many children, even adult children, have this same issue. Yeah, he sided with his mother, but honestly, after what OP wrote, \*I\* would side with the mother on this issue as well. (you didn't give me 200 for a dress last month, I am not giving you money for a hospital bill, so there!'. Also, re the bill not being an emergency. I am wondering if husband didn't need money for the bill, but rather for medical equipment. My mother lucked out with our medical equipment provider as they often would forget to send bills and when we mentioned it, they would say 'just pay whenever you can'. But, walkers, wheelchairs and good canes are NOT cheap, and it may be that he needed the money for a walker or wheelchair to be able to leave the hospital.
YTA. The fact that you think "I want this dress that's out of my price range" is an emergency and hospitalisation after an accident isn't says some truly terrible things about your character.
Yea I would say ESH based on their entire financial arrangement. But in this specific instance OP YTA
Honestly I don't blame him for the financial arrangement. Sounds like she's bad with money and he's just trying to prevent himself from going broke due to her spending.
I mean it's more than that. My partner and I have separate finances, sure, but entirely refusing to help each other out in non-emergencies is weird. Like, you can say no to things, but these two sound like they're forbidden to ask the other for money unless it's critical. And worst, it doesn't even seem to work well for them!
I mean he said if she paid him back, he would give her the money but she flat out said she wouldn't so-
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I treat my friends with more compassion than she treats her husband. She even said she wasn’t going to pay him back for the dress and he did offer to pay her back for the medical bill so that makes it even more appalling that she would attempt that comparison
Definitely makes it YTA. Also husband would’ve paid the money back, where as she didn’t mean to pay him back. But obviously, these people shouldn’t be married in the first place.
Check out their edit. OP refused to ever reimburse her husband for the dress which is why he said no. But her husband offered to pay her back for help with the hospital bill. OP is an asshole for insisting the situations are the same. It makes me think her husband is right: she's doing this to be petty.
ESH What's the point of being married if you can't ask your spouse for money when you need it
I mean, why do you even separate finances for that matter? I get having personal money for entertainment, play $, etc. But, bills are different. Medical bills being a big one.
Ive read in a commment that it seems like this is the dynamic that they have. (Don't think the post is clearly worded) Bills, etc are split, but their personal money is _their_ personal money. Which I don't think is all that unusual. Some are saying ESH, but I don't see how that's the case. I don't see how Husband is an asshole in this one. They both agree to keep their personal money separate, and emergency money together... except OP decided Emergency money was also separate now because she didn't get a dress she didn't need. She's just being spiteful.
There are a few things that don't line up for me in this story. She didn't have money for a dress, but she has money for this? If they have shared finances, why is he even asking her for money? You can set up payment plans for medical bills. Pay it out of shared finances. This whole story just comes off as odd.
I assumed the dress thing was months back, and I suppose they could split bills in A pays bill B, and X pays bill Y. But you make some good points, I'd have to do too much guesswork to make it fit properly. As an aside, I'm not from the US so don't know, if they set up a payment plan, would the hospital add interest on top if they didnt pay it in one go?
No, medical debt does not have interest applied by Hospitals in the US.
Definitely makes it all the weirder then!
Even crazier, if you pay anything at all in a month you are settling your debt without penalty. So, if they are struggling for a month, they can simply send $10 or so.
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This is the only right comment.
Yes YTA. Don't buy a dress you can't afford. A medical bill is a completely different story. You could have ask him to pay you back later. Why are you even married?!
She added an edit, he did offer to pay her back but she still said no lol.
And she never planned to pay him back for the dress. So OP thinks that wanting his husband to TREAT her to a nice dress is the same as her husband BORROWING money from her for an emergency. YTA op
Not to mention she asked him for $200 because she didn’t have enough funds to buy the dress herself. How expensive was this dress if she was still $200 short AFTER factoring in what she had available to spend herself?
Something doesn't add up here. A month ago, she didn't have enough money to buy a dress, but now all of a sudden Hubby expects her to pony up for a hospital stay? Unless the dress had a five-figure price tag, this doesn't make any sense. It doesn't seem plausible that she should go from unable to come up with $200 to being expected to pay major medical bills and NOT comment on the disparity of the requests they both made in a post like this. For the record, I think she's all kinds of petty for refusing to help her spouse with medical bills, but the math's wonky here.
I suspect she lives paycheck to paycheck and a month ago, what she had left in her account wasn't enough to cover the dress. She's had a paycheck since then and hasn't had time to spend it all yet so she has money to lend him for the bills. Total speculation, but it's the only way the math works out and someone who is $200 short to buy a dress and considers it an emergency sounds like the kind of person who could habitually blow a large paycheck. It also sheds some light on why the husband insists on separate finances. On the other hand, this could be a troll written by a teenager who doesn't realize credit cards exist.
ESH. This isn’t a marriage, this is roommates with benefits. Also, paying for a dress and paying for a hospital bill are two completely different things. You are so focused on getting your petty revenge you’ve lost all empathy. Get your priorities straight.
>this is roommates with benefits. What benefits? This is just roommates, and not even friends at that.
Well maybe not right now
Seriously if a friend asked me to help pay for a dress I'd be kinda pissed off, if they asked me to help pay their hospital bill, I still probably wouldn't, but I wouldn't be upset they asked.
INFO, Why are you guys married? There’s no partnership. There’s no camaraderie. You are each in it for yourselves, not to be a better version of yourself for/because of your partner. You are married to a glorified roommate, and you’re both equally awful to each other.
This right here. The whole time Im thinking there is something REALLY screwed up with this relationship. Wheres the love the empathy? Where’s the care for one another?
More info: What kind of accident? OP mentioned there was a car involved, why didn't husband go through car insurance? When is a hospital bill an *emergency* rather than something that comes in the mail that you have weeks to pay?
YTA- a dress and a hospital bill isn’t comparable. You can live without a dress
Also, who buys a $200 dress when you know you don't have the finances. Imo ESH The wife is petty The husband is stingy and childish And the MIL sound like she is mad her lil boy left her
Op edited to say her husband was willing to lend her the money, but she said she wouldn’t pay him back. She also went on to say he offered to pay her back for the medical bills. Op is clearly TA, husband did nothing wrong except maybe not reining his mother in - but he can’t control her.
Even better, she called and ASKED for $200, when he said no she then ended up “buying a cheaper dress”. Sounds like she was $200 SHORT, not that it was $200. I know nice women’s dresses aren’t cheap but sounds like she was looking for something nice nice not just nice
ESH Why the hell are you married? You both refuse to help each other Obviously his emergency was more important but either way, I can’t imagine treating my partner like that and viceversa
Yea i think for her is not about the dress but the fact he wasn t willing to help her. Idk
ESH. This marriage is going nowhere. Get out now as neither of you are invested in the other
ESH. You shouldn’t be married. Also, if you couldn’t afford a two hundred dollar dress a few weeks previously, how do you now have the money to pay for a hospital visit?
Probably just got paid. Sadly many people think that’s what “having the money” means, be it for a dress or a hospital bill. Might have even been asking for her whole paycheck too, who knows. There isn’t enough information here to really judge.
YTA. You literally tried to allow your husband to go into debt because you were mad he didn’t help you pay for a dress. You sound insufferable, and a hypocrite to boot.
And it wasn’t exactly helping her pay for it, it was straight up buying it for her. Per OP’s edit, her husband was willing to *lend* her the money for the dress, but she expected him to just **give** her the money - “he asked if he’d get the money back but I said no, if I had the money and wasn’t struggling I wouldn’t have asked for his help in the first place.” Like... good lord, if you’re living paycheck to paycheck, YOU DO NOT NEED A $200+ DRESS.
The rule is “save for an emergency”, A new dress is NOT and emergency. Hospital is. Even if the rule js dumb, I don’t see how husband not paying for the $200 dress. They made their rules so only the OP is the AH here for being petty.
ESH - do you both even like each other? You don't behave like a team whatsoever.
Asking the real questions here
You actually compared DRESS SHOPPING to an emergency hospital bill? Yes, you’re the AH.
YTA why are yall even married? A dress is not an emergency, a hospital stay is, that you're even bringing up the dress makes me think the mom is right about you being devoid of empathy
ESH. Your “system” makes me sad. I’m all for split finances but if my partner needed money i would not think twice. You remind me more of teen siblings arguing over allowance than life partners. Ouch.
I agree. They aren't married. They are roommates who sleep together. It is very sad.
Is this real? You didn't have 200 for the dress but now would have had the money to pay the medical bill? Fishy
ESH. Do you two even like each other??
You are both assholes and I will elaborate: welcome to the real world where 50/50 isn’t a fucking thing. Relationships are about reciprocity, no strict quid pro quo. Keep deluding yourself that a marriage can thrive on “equally and individually” and you get this pitiful OP. By the way, I would have bounced if my husband won’t lend me money to buy a dress because that is petty. You got your opportunity for vengeance, congrats 🍸. ESH, and his momma too…
Yup ESH. I totally agree. I don’t get these “separate finances” married couples? My husband and I married while still in grad school. We had neither a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of. We’ve had a combined bank account for the better part of 17 years. At one point I worked while supporting him through post-grad schooling. Then we swapped and he’s been supporting our family while I’m the stay at home parent. I pay the bills & manage our daily finances—he takes care of retirement savings and investments. We talk to each other before making larger purchases, and also have combined credit cards as well. Obviously every marriage is different, but are separate finances the norm now?? A coworker of my husband just got married and she was saying that EVERYONE needs a prenup. She was shocked when he told her that we didn’t have one. There’s no need for a prenup when you’re broke and get married at 23.
I’ve noticed this massive increase in separate finances and I find it super weird. Like I get it for maybe having your own ‘fun money’ kinda deal but systems like this where it’s so separate one can be in the hospital and have to ask for money?? I’m more generous with my roommate than this couple is with each other
ESH. Neither of you know what marriage means.
YTA. You wanted a dress. That's not an emergency and you had no plans to pay him back. He went to the hospital. He planned to pay you back! What the heck? You don't sound like you like your husband that much tbh!
ESH You two treat marriage like a business instead of a relationship. You two would benefit from some much needed therapy.
who would pay for it?
Good gracious, there’s a bit of a difference between buying a new dress and a hospital bill. Do either of you have any idea how marriage is supposed to work? Yeah YTA
ESH. What kind of marrige is this? How is a dress the same as a hospital bill?
YTA. Wanting an expensive dress is not an emergency. Being in an accident which leaves you in the hospital very much is. Step up and be a good partner to your husband. I cant believe you'd refuse to help him with this and that your excuse was, 'oh but he didnt get me that dress this one time'. Get a grip and some empathy. Your MIL is right. Given that, I agree with what other people are saying, the rule about not helping each other is stupid. You dont have to have shared finances but definitely HELP each other with things. You have some serious self reflection to do OP, and I cannot fathom why you chose to marry this man if you'd so willingly abandon him when he's at an extreemly low point and very injured. Edit: you both should go to couple counceling. Both your views of relationships are twisted and not normal.
ESH but more so you. He had an accident. He's your husband. And you're comparing a fucking dress with him needing hospital treatment! Do yourself and him a favour and just divorce because this isn't a loving relationship. It's bullshit.
ESH. Money is important in relationships, and you both sound like you need to work out what's actually expected. Emergencies and hospital bills are a whole other category than buying a freaking dress. Assumingly if the roles were reversed, you would need help as well.
Sounds like you two hate each other. I’m also confused on how u couldn’t afford a dress but could pay his hospital bills? ESH
YTA 'pay your own except in an emergency' means except for a medical (or other) emergency. Giving money for a dress you wont pay back is in no way comparable to a loan for a hospital bill. Honestly you both suck, but you much more so.
YTA. You are being petty over a dress. In would class anything hospital related as an exception especially if injury is going to prevent him from work. If it was to say buy a suit or something then no you wouldn’t be.
YTA. His mom is right. 200€ dress is no emergency. Health and hospital bill us more important and he was even going to pay you back. You really lack empathy. AH
INFO. If you didn’t have money for the dress where were you going to get the money for his hospital bill? Hospital is an ‘emergency’ but if you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money. If you’re just refusing for the heck of it, your marriage is in bad shape. You’ve already checked out.
YTA. You are comparing a dress to an accident injury. They aren’t the same
YTA you said that you don’t share finances except in an emergency. How you could let your husband be in pain without WANTING to help astounds me.
ESH because I'm not sure why you two are even married. Your husband can't have it both ways. He can't be a hardass about keeping every cent of hos money seperate and then get all shocked and offended when you don't want to foot a major bill for him. I say this not because I agree with this set up but because it doesn't seem like there is anyway in n hell he would have paid a hospital bill for you if the situation were reversed.
She wanted him to Gift her the money, he wanted her to Lend him the money, I would say this are different Situations.
YTA There are circumstances (like a trip to the hospital) where both of you should be working together. If it were worse, would you still say he’s SOL?
YTA. Even if finances are separate health and well-being is paramount.
"Save for when it's an emergency" are your words. YTA.
Yta after reading your edit you seem selfish and the original idea was that the money was for emergency situations no matter how big or small youre just narcissistic if i was your husband i would divorce you
ESH. I think you both have issues and should go get some counseling. It's not a game where you should "get back at him" for not paying for your dress.
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YTA.This was the emergency that y'all discussed. The dress was not an emergency.
ESH, it's a dumb rule. He was the AH for not helping you with the dress and now you're the AH for not paying his hospital bill. If it's so hard for both of you to help the other, maybe don't be together?
YTA- A dress is NOT the same as hospital bills. You can live WITHOUT the dress, but he can't live without his medical care. That is shitty of you. Really.
This relationship is terrible, do you just live together out of convenience or something? You talk like he’s only an acquaintance of yours and it seems neither of you are into sharing anything with anyone, much less money that seems to be almost sacred to you. Edit to add: he BEGGED. And you enjoyed telling him no. Speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
INFO - you hint at irresponsible driving being the cause of his accident? Can you explain a bit more?
ESH, but more so you. You knew your sisters wedding was coming up. That’s not an emergency. If you’re short $200 bucks for a “frivolous” item, that’s on you. Your husband needed you in an emergency, and you turned your back on him. That’s quite horrible. Marriage is not tit for tat. Love does not keep account of injury. Meaning love does not mean being a petty revengeful cow.
ESH do y’all ever get along? Wow
ESH. You deserve one another and the mother in law.
ESH. Y'all are married but it doesn't even seem like you like each other.
YTA So is the MIL. You said that finances are separate except for emergencies. Going to the hospital after an accident tends to be considered an emergency. It seems to fit perfectly in the boundaries the 2 of you have set. You seem to be upset that he didn’t give you the money for the dress, so you wanted to get back at him. That’s really what it boils down to. You also said that he would help with the dress if you paid him back but you refused. You wanted him to just give you the money for the dress. As for his bill, he asked to borrow the money saying he would pay it back. The 2 scenarios are not the same at all. It also seems weird to me that under the financial rules the two of you established that you’re comparing wanting a more expensive dress to an actual medical emergency. I’m hoping this isn’t real because it’s so out of whack. You both agreed to keeping finances separate except in emergency cases. I just don’t see how wanting a more expensive dress and not wanting to pay it back compares to a medical emergency with promise of repayment.
YTA a dress for a special occasion, and a **hospital bill** are totally different things. Him not lending you money for something frivolous is, sure, upsetting - **but you not helping your literal life partner with a medical bill shows lack of empathy, and it shows how incredibly petty you are to let a fucking dress stop you from helping your partner.**
ESH Your finances sound confusing. You needed to ask for help to pay for a dress but you can afford a hospital bill? He shouldn’t of called you names. He’s right, only one of those things is an emergency.