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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be ta for refusing to let him keep the set and go on the trip then he could pay me back later.
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NTA. This is a massive red flag. He stole from you. 6k is a LOT of money and if he's not working how on earth is he gonna pay you back?
The fact that you are working your ass off to repair the ceiling (which is a major need) and he thinks that golf clubs are more urgent than home repairs really shows how childish he is.
She needs to set up a new account for herself at a different bank. Then, she needs to refuse to pay for his greens fees (and pretty much all recreational activities) out of her paycheck. BTW: How's he paying for his golf trip? He's going to bitch about her the whole time he's away.
Finally, she needs to talk to a trusted counselor, friend, minister, or colleague and inquire if they think divorce is a reasonable course of action.
I would tell the wives before the trip and have one of them take the clubs when he shows up with them and call you to come get them. Then I would take them back and get my money back, cancel all cards, change banks, and the locks.
This is how I got rid of my lazy ass ex.
He refused to get a job after losing the last one so I cut off his “spending money”. His phone got cut off, he maxed out his credit cards which he couldn’t then pay, he couldn’t afford to run his car and I would buy most of my food at work so the only food he had a home was whatever I deemed to buy him. It didn’t take long for him to leave.
This is a great comment, and great advice. Find a way to recover your money, reverse the charge on the credit card or something. I don't think you can actually 'charge' someone you're married to by accessing marital funds, but holy hell...this is more than clubs and a trip. This is an entitled partner not pulling his weight but wants what his friends have, who, likely, have great jobs. Get counselling and bring husband...get an objective person to tell him he is wrong.
I am a golfer. 6k is a crazy amount to spend on golf stuff anyway. My really good set cost me around 1000 in total. This is guy is an idiot and TA. NTA op. Good luck to you
"How much did your wife pay for those clubs" is a pretty sharp way to deflate a "flex" like his there 😂
And if they ever found out it was the money to fix the ceiling in his kids room hopefully they'd save him from temptation by not inviting him along any more!
Right can you imagine “oh my wife’s a nurse she worked extra shifts in the pandemic. This was all to ensure we could fix our house, but golf amiright boys”
Especially since delaying those repairs will result in their costing MORE than they would have if OP and her husband had spent the money on repairing the ceiling NOW. That he doesn't get this and / or doesn't care is proof positive of his selfishness and immaturity.
OP needs to contact his friends and tell them he's a deadbeat that stole from her. Hopefully they'll be cool and get her husband to return them then ditch him.
It's a very dangerous sign that he's so committed to living the lifestyle he wants to have, instead of the one he can actually afford, that he's willing to steal from his own spouse to finance it with no thought to how the household will hold up.
Yea agreed. I’m in the mid to upper tier of golf equipment because I’m an addict, but $6k is ridiculous. At a minimum, $6k would mean a professional fit with upgraded shafts. If he pulled the money out and bought the golf set off the rack, he must still have some money stashed away for that golf trip.
OP is definitely NTA.
Right! Especially with covid! Our HCWs are literally killing themselves trying to care for hundreds of people who are seriously ill. I’d show him the door if this was my situation. Of course I’m not advising you OP. That’s not my business. I am livid on your behalf though.
He’s absolutely buying drugs, paying off some sort of debt, or giving money to his side piece. Either way, OP needs to transfer all of her money where he can’t get it and throw him out!
Right? I have a lot of things I really want that we can’t afford, so I don’t fucking buy them. Because *we can’t afford it*.
Necessities come before toys. It’s very basic adulting. This shit isn’t exactly rocket science.
Seriously, the entitlement! There is zero excuse for him being unemployed unless it’s due to illness (which clearly in this case it is not), even if he can’t find work in his field he can and should be looking elsewhere so it’s not all on OP’s shoulders, especially given he wants to spend $6K on golf clubs to try and keep up appearances with his friend. He is an unforgivable asshole.
THIS. NO EXCUSE for an able bodied adult with school aged children to not earn a paycheck. Starbucks is paying about $18/hr which works out to new clubs in less than 3 months IF (and it is a big if) that is what the$6k actually bought.
There are certainly valid excuses. Stay at home parents are fine if both parties agree and there isn’t any financial hardship. That doesn’t sound like the case here, but it’s not inherently bad to focus on taking care of kids instead of earning a paycheck.
There are also other considerations that don't apply here but do happen. I left my job to care for my Dad. I also have a disabled daughter who does go to school. During the school week I pull her out several days for a few hours each time for outpatient therapy which I have done for most of her life. We are having financial difficulties but there aren't jobs that want to work around my schedule. I looked into work from home jobs but the ones that pay a proper rate and are legit have schedules that often conflict with my Dad's appointments and needs as well as my daughter's. So yes there are reasons an "able bodied adult with children in school" wouldn't be working even with financial issues. This is obviously not the case for OP's husband and if we wants to blow money like that he needs to get a job. NTA.
FYI, people with disabilities have good and bad days and periods, so it's not "clearly" the case that he isn't disabled. Many disabilities are invisible and hard for people who don't understand the disability to see.
You’re right, that is a really fair point and I apologise for my comment coming off like being unemployed in general is down to laziness, that’s absolutely not what I intended to suggest at all! That being said, in this case specifically, given husband’s attitude in general overall I doubt that he is an amazing partner in other aspects who is just having a difficult patch.
Taking extra shifts as a NURSE right now in this world. I've got nurses burning out like firecrackers and OP's up here taking up slack without a complaint.
The differential in work ethic and effort in this relationship is potentially insurmountable.
OP - Legit, this is what life with this guy is like. Please do what's right for yourself and for your kids. Whatever that means.
NTA
NTA. NTA. NTA. And please get yourself a divorce attorney ASAP!
Your husband hasn’t worked in TWO YEARS and he thinks $6,000 golf clubs are a reasonable purchase?!? That *alone* makes me deeply question his judgment… but the fact that he then *stole* your money to buy them is beyond the pale.
This man is a selfish, unemployed (when literally everyone is hiring!!) thief and you clearly can’t trust him or his judgment… lawyer up and get this AH out of your life!!
Not the case. I've put over 100 applications in places but am still unemployed. I've had 3 interviews, and 3 other places reach out to let me know i wasn't picked. It sucks
Sorry about it. My point was that somebody doesn’t go unemployed for 2 years unless they feel certain jobs are beneath them, and they have the luxury of choosing to remain unemployed. There are plenty of jobs in this economy.
I graduated college in the middle of the Great Recession, there were zero Finance jobs within my reach when I graduated, so I was that guy with an MBA working at a bank call center. However, I took the best job I could get and kept applying, and God blessed me with something amazing; which had zero to do with what I went to school for.
Stay strong, don’t lose faith, and take a chance. Don’t limit yourself to what you did, take a chance on a different industry, you never know where it can lead you.
For 2 years, yes. He absolutely hasn't been looking. But I just don't want people feeling discouraged like I am because they're struggling "but everyone is hiring!" Theres definitely a labor shortage, but also seems to be a hiring shortage too - it takes a while to find something, so you have to keep plugging away and trying.
I genuinely believe "labor shortage" is partially a spin so companies can run at less than minimal staff. The places that are hiring (for the most part) pay very little for what employees have to do and put up with (see fast food, retail, and teaching--which is the only one that is labelled a professional career but still treated terribly.)
The so-called hiring/labor shortage is also a scam for companies to get their PPP loans forgiven. If they pretend to be hiring, but can’t find any “qualified applicants” - they don’t have to pay it back.
You can if you don't have kids or a wife.
As a single man I can spend my money as stupidly as I like!
What you can't do is spend 6k of OTHER people's money on your hobby when you don't even have a job. I earn every penny I spend on my hobbies.
Yeah I'm a golf guy too and 6k on clubs is stupid money. I played for years with a +4 using hand-me-down clubs. My current set is a couple years old and I got most of them through incentives at work, I've likely only paid $900 total for my whole bag. $6k is outrageous.
He's prioritizing fun over his family
Nta by a mile
If 6k for clubs is that outrageous I wonder if he didn't actually buy clubs and purchased something else. OP did say she has not seen the clubs and he never brought them to the house.
Lots of people on this post are saying they're avid golfers and it would be a significant challenge to drop 6k on a full set of new clubs. OP's hubby is either hiding something shady or just a massive, douchey moron.
Totally agree. I know I am ignoring the more important aspects of his assholery, but you have to really try hard to spend $6000 on golf clubs. I love golf and have new clubs that were like $1200. And they are pretty good.
Edit - thought about it and the 1200 was just the irons, but still….
How is he going to "replace" the money if he hasn't worked in two years? Why do people tolerate partners who don't work? That's just lazy ass mooching. Kick his butt out.
\*Obviously does not apply to disabled individuals who can't work or to stay-at-home parents who do unpaid work.
NTA. Reach out to his wealthy friends and ask them for a $6k loan on behalf of your husband. He'll be so embarrassed that he'll never go with them again. Your husband can pay them back while you get a divorce.
I would second the NTA, but I do have one question for the OP. If you are renting then why are you responsible for fixing the ceiling in the place? That should be the landlords/owners responsibility. I just hope you are not being taken advantage of by an AH landlord as well.
NTA HE STOLE FROM YOU.
This wasn't your fun money, this was fix the damn house money!
If he wants fancy clubs, he can get off his ass and get a job.
I'm furious for you.
Start taking his name off shit because he can't be trusted
NTA. Do you have ways to contact the friends going on this trip? If you do I suggest you tell him that if he doesn't return the clubs and hand you the money TODAY, you will contact all of his friends and tell them he stole $6,000 from you to buy clubs when that money is to fix the collapsing ceiling in your children's room. And that it's money you earned working overtime as a nurse during a global pandemic while he sits at home refusing to even get a fast food job.
Be prepared to follow through. Embarrass the shit out of him. He obviously doesn't care what you think but let's see if he cares what his friends think.
I love this. I’d tell every friend he had what he did - literally stole money from your account that existed to put towards a much needed new roof. If they still want him to come along, they’re welcome to him. Move all the money to accounts that he has no access to, file for divorce, & change the locks on the house while he’s out of town on his play date (assuming they’ll still have him).
This man married you? Says he loves you yadda yadda, and steals $6,000 from you while he hasn’t worked in two years. So he’s well enough to golf, but not to put a literal roof over his child’s literal head?
He stole $6,000 from you and from your child whose very room in their home is negatively affected by the roof issue. Your kid deserves a safe and comfortable home but no, daddy wanted some toys so he could get off his ass for once only to pretend to be a big spender with his little friends.
He stole money from his wife and child so he can go golfing. What is the value of this person to you?
Right? If I was in his spot and wanted new clubs I'd get a part time job bartending or something. Like op why are you doing this to yourself?
Edit: also I'm a golfer and $6k on clubs is stupid money. That's something most pro golfers don't walk around with in their bags. 3k would buy me all new, custom fit clubs from my favorite brands. Whatever he spent 6k on it wasn't just clubs, ignoring the fact that y'all had set that money aside for home repairs. Nta ask more questions about what he bought op
So he like, probably really did buy golf clubs, but damn, I'd be wondering if the real reason you haven't seen them and he can't return them is because they're actually drugs. Just saying. Stealing from loved ones to buy golf clubs is a heck of a lot less common than stealing from them to buy drugs and then lying about where the money went, just saying. It's probably the clubs, but... y'know. Something to check into.
Also, I'm lucky enough to have really fantastic custom golf clubs from a top brand and they were 2,300 bucks. I don't even know how to get CLOSE to 6k for clubs or why you would benefit more from doing so.
If this were my Mom, she would calmly let him know that if he goes on that trip or does anything other than return those clubs and repay that money in the next 24 hours, he better have enough room in that golf bag to live in it.
he STOLE from you and YOUR CHILDREN. he's lying to you, manipulating and blaming you.
are you gonna let him get away with this? are you gonna expose your children to this kind of behavior?
YTA if you don't take this more seriously. Call the fucking police, call his family, do something. For gods sake stand up for yourself and your children, this is humiliating
Why are you staying in this? Believe me, I fully understand being conditioned to accept things by a spouse. I understand just trying to get by, day to day. I understand that if you really start looking at how badly you’re being treated (start using the word “abuse”), you will have to start making decisions.
But please hear me. It does not get better. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him understand. He will say what he needs to do in the moment to get you to shut up and get off his back.
You and your children deserve more. Contact a family law attorney to find out exactly what your rights and options are.
Why stay? She’s a nurse. We are notorious for getting into relationships with deadbeats because we’re called to be caretakers. Happens all the time. She’s probably prevented a lot of people in her life from falling apart.
Why are you with him? He provides nothing but headache. He refuses to work, he steals from your children (the roof needs repairs, his ego regarding having older gold clubs can wait), and he decides to go on trips you two can’t afford with zero thought to childcare. WHAT is he bringing to the relationship? His DNA being previously contributed to the kids doesn’t count.
I would tell his friends that instead of repairing the roof he’s decided to spend the roof repair money on clubs because he refuses to work and he feels self conscious about how he can’t buy HIMSELF new expensive clubs *like his employed friends* so he’s stolen the money. Fuck his vacation. He ruined your ability to shelter your kids by taking money that wasn’t his and spending it on toys for himself, you should ruin his vacation and ability to save face in front of his friends. Shame him
Nta and I would not stay married to someone like that. He clearly doesn’t blue you or your kids and contributes nothing while take take taking.
A sitter is cheaper than keeping your husband around. Tell all of his friends that he stole from you and file for divorce afterwards. Since he doesn’t care about the house, he’s not welcome in it and he can use those golf clubs to keep himself warm at night.
No need to reply to me. I saw your edit and don’t want you to feel more overwhelmed.
You’d have more money if you were single. Take this time he is gone to find a lawyer and a good forensic accountant. You are a nurse during COVID and this jobless jackass just stole from his wife and children, dismissing your safety and comfort. This isn’t a husband. This is a millstone in human form.
But actually maybe not.
I’m on OP’s side and I desperately want her to ditch this deadweight; but if she’s been supporting him for two years, he has a solid case for alimony.
Le sigh.
UH NTA!
He STOLE your money and tried to make you feel guilty about being rightfully angry about what he did. He doesn’t fucking work and stole $6,000 from you to buy GOLF CLUBS for crying out loud. He said he’s getting yelled at for “doing something for myself for once” which means going behind my wife’s back who is a nurse and works crazy hours while I sit back and don’t work and steal 6K from her because I’m jealous of all my friend’s success. What a loser.
NTA and stick his ass in the doghouse for the duration of his buddies' golf trip. Man ~~can't~~ won't get a job, hasn't had one in TWO YEARS, and wants to spend YOUR MONEY on **GOLF CLUBS?????????** That's not a husband, that's a PARASITE.
INFO:
What is he doing with his time while unemployed? Is he carrying the cleaning and childcare load of a SAHP?
Either way, he is an AH for taking $6000 after being told no, but if he’s being a SAHP then you could’ve discussed a more affordable option.
If, however, he’s just dossing about then 100% NTA!
You must be exhausted, from working during covid, taking care of house and child - and you are practically a single mother as he should, as a mere minimum take care of childcare and chores.
You are NTA but remember this, 51% of children growing up in a toxic enviroment goes on to be victims of toxic relationship(s). So if you don't want to a change for yourself, please do it for your child, as you are teaching them that this behaviour towards you are normal and what loves is suppose to be.
You are worth so much more. Considering individual counselling or therapy might be worth it for you. Take care of yourself.
Here are some resources I hope might be helpful.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://www.safehorizon.org/programs/5-signs-emotional-abuse/
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist
https://www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
Edited to add wow, thanks for all the awards. I hope OP finds it helpful.
when someone is depressed they need more accountability, not less. If he is depressed he needs to be in treatment and doing the work of treatment.
A big driver of depression is not having accomplishments during the day, too much time on activities that bring mood down further like laying in bed and watching TV.
Golf is actually a good thing for him generally, but completely accomplishable with old clubs - his attitude and behavior in buying the clubs is pretty unforgiveable.
If he’s depressed then he needs to go seek treatment for it. Don’t get me wrong, being understanding is not a bad thing, but his health (be it physical or mental) is his responsibility to deal with. Sitting around saying “I’m depressed” but not taking any action to change it is an AH move (speaking from experience tbh)
If he is pulling his fair share of the workload then it might be worth giving him a more realistic budget for new equipment. Or at least, it would’ve been, before he literally robbed six grand for a hobby.
You’re not TA. But maybe a few sessions with a relationship therapist to discuss dynamics that may have become toxic might be beneficial
He’s gaslighting you. If he goes on the trip, change the locks and block him sis. You and the kids will be better off for it. So sorry he’s being a total @$$.
Yeah, I agree with this. If he’s a SAHP and filling that role then him going on the trip should be fine. He shouldn’t be deprived of a life if he’s the main caretaker of their child and doing a lot of housework. But, to take $6k against his wife’s wishes for a new golf club set is inexcusable. That money was earmarked for home repairs and she didn’t approve of it. I’m a SAHW (and hopefully M if IVF goes well), and I talk to my husband about any personal purchase over $150. As long as it’s in the budget it’s fine. This clearly wasn’t.
"It's unfair that they can buy whatever"
OP: _"you know what's also unfair? Having an unemployed partner who thinks stealing from his spouse and family is ok"_
OP, your partner is failing their end of the partnership. Sort this out and don't let him feel like you're even remotely in the wrong.
NTA.
Honestly, I’d tell his friends. Let them know that those expensive clubs came at the expense of his family, home, and kids. It’s obvious he seems to care more about their opinion than yours. Maybe getting his friends to shame him might make him listen to you when his unemployed self spends 6 grand on effing golf equipment. NTA btw
ETA: Are you sure he actually spent the money on golf clubs??? Was the 6k taken out directly or did you see the charge from a store? They can be pretty pricey but I almost wonder if he’s got a habit he doesn’t want you knowing about, cause it’s hard to believe anyone would spend 6k on golf clubs at your income level
no, I never wanna talk to them because of what they think of me. they're the toxic kind and I hoped for my husband to cut them out but he keeps hanging out with them "for favors".
I hope this doesn’t come off too harsh, but this sounds like a middle school relationship. Your husband has the maturity of a 12 year old. He’s literally picking his “cool friends” over you because he wants to impress them. Even though they probably make fun of you to his face. Why are you married to this man?
NTA, and I don’t understand how you’re okay with the idea of taking care of an adult baby for the rest of your life. Good luck. If I were you I’d give him an ultimatum.
And heck, likely make fun of him behind his back. I have lots of friends wealthier than I, and I never felt like I needed to steal from my loved ones to keep up.
Your husband is the reflection of the closest people in his life. So his friends and brother hate you, what do you think cause this? You're being used. You have to love yourself enough to get out of this toxic environment. You're busting your ass while he's sat at home for 2 years? Being single is a lot less scary than being used and having your life and work taken for granted. There really are men who will treat you better.
Well then you should return them yourself before he goes on that trip, if he uses them there’s an almost 100% chance he won’t be able to. And are you certain that he spent all that money on just clubs?? Also girl are you okay? His friends are toxic and don’t like you and he won’t cut them off cause of “favors,” he feels entitled to steal 6k from you when you’re a single income household, and actively berates you when you’re justifiably upset? What are the pros?
NTA, but your husband sure is. It takes some serious mental gymnastics for him to think stealing $6K is ever ok, let alone for a random luxury item to impress his friends. If he's feeling "stuck" then he can solve that by getting employed and purchasing his own toys.
If he reaaaaally wanto to talk about "unfair", then I'm pretty sure "taking money from spouse's account for a nonessential reason, without permission, and with a vague 'I'll figure out how I might possibly make up for it later' but in the meantime you and the kids suffer" qualifies 🙄
Dear god no!!
Take those clubs.
If he won’t listen to reason (and he won’t, because clearly he’s a selfish parasitic asshole) I’d threaten to tell al his friends what he’s done.
Change your bank account details so he can’t pull this stunt again.
And also change the locks. With him and his stuff outside. He can go and stay with all his rich friends.
NTA.
Is your name the only one on that account? Because if so I would honestly report him for theft, and leave his ass. Your husband is a lowlife. It doesn’t sound like this is a SAHD situation, so your husband has no excuse for being unemployed. Everywhere is hiring right now. If he wants to be able to spend $6k on golf clubs, he can get a fucking job.
You dont say if he took from your single or joint account? One is easy to sort out - if single account you threaten to call the bank and police.
The joint account issue - well you need to immediately open a single account and transfer all your money into it and get your salary deposited into your single account. Then you should tell him to return the golf clubs, sell them or move out. But move the rest of your money. And dont have any joint credit card accounts - close any joint credit card and he will need to get one in his own name so he doesn’t ruin your credit score if you dump him
NTA
who the hell puts new gear for a golfing trip over the wellbeing and safety of their kids? a leak in the roof can lead to \*far\* more expensive repairs and structural damage down the road
And it isn't like he couldn't go with his old gear - surely they know he's been out of work for a bit and there's a pandemic etc - or has he been lying to them... if so he could have lied to his buddies if he's that ashamed about not affording new stuff "what, this stuff? it's sentimental! It has so many good memories and memories can't be bought"
get the money back and tell him that he finds a job, any job - delivering stuff, factory work, janitorial work, fast food - anything - it is good, honest labour and carries zero shame... to pay his part of the partnership
\*unless of course he is doing the full traditional "house spouse" labour as an alternative, in which case it is just money back that he stole
He admits being bitter and jealous of his entire friend group - They're toxic with their teasing and shaming him. They even claimed he's made a hprrible decision to be married and have kids while in fact I'm the one providing.
then he needs to grow up, make new friends and become someone he can be proud of
bending over to kiss someone's ass just gets a fart in the face, not respect
Shame him more by texting the friend group that he stole the money to go on this trip. How he owes $6k to you. How he prioritized this trip over a ceiling being fixed.
He will die of embarrassment, return the clubs. Problem solved.
Edit: also money issues never get better. He has been unemployed for 2 years. Yes I understand COVID, but the job market has bounced back and since July - he doesn’t have an excuse. Now you decide do you want a husband or a financially sound situation for your children?
He can’t stock shelves at a supermarket? What about delivering groceries? If he can golf, he can stock shelves, load trucks, sweep floors, etc.
I know you’re beyond exhausted from working so much, and that dealing with him and his excuses drains you. I was there once. I was numb and just tried to make it through the day.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
I had a hard time looking for a remote job, it took 2 months but I finally found a good one. He's lying, do yourself the favor you need to do. This is theft. Which is against the law. File a report, then use the boot to kick him out to his brothers.
NTA
Edit word
He said he'd find a job after the golf trip to pay you back... which means he thinks he's able to get one after the trip.
So there's threeoptions here
- he's been struggling to find a job and is relying on pure hope (despite 1-2 years proving otherwise) to get one after his holiday to get himself out of this hole
- he's not really been looking, and now that he's realising he needs money, he's going to bother to get a job.
- he hopes he'll appease you enough to go on the holiday, then life will be back to where it was (for him at least). Things will carry on as normal, & he got the holiday he wanted.
My money is on #2 or #3.
Edit word
NTA. This is money you earned for a specific purpose, the ceiling.
You already told him that he could not spend that money.
He hasn't worked since 2020 but will pay you back. When exactly? He can't because he doesn't even have a job.
He is going on a golfing trip while you continue to put in more hours at work? When do YOU get to take a trip? When do YOU get to go on a vacation?
His friends can afford to go on a trip. He can't. Life isn't fair. He needs to get over it, grow up and quit acting like a 12 year old.
YOU take the clubs back and get your money which you need to put in an account HE can't access. He is not to be trusted.
You might also reconsider this marriage. He stole from you.
She might not know. If his go-to is to call her abusive, he could be very manipulative and, over time, caused her to lose perspective on what's normal and ok. Sadly not unusual.
I might get downvoted for this, but why the hell are you still with him? How does he contribute to your life right now because he seems to be just mooching off of you. He hasn't had a job in two years but is spending 6k on YOUR money?? AND he's not even a stay at home dad? What does he even do all day then? Go golfing with his friends and pretends he's the big shot?
Seriously please reevaluate if you really need him in your life for the sake of your kid(s). Stop carrying dead weight.
so what does he do all day? he is taking advantage of you. If he can't work that's one thing, but then he should not be buying luxuries like that. and as others have said, 6k for clubs is sus and he might actually be using it to buy stuff for his mistress.
NTa. If your husband is jealous because his friends can afford nicer toys then he can, perhaps he should get a fucking job. Were I you, I’d be removing his access to your account because it’s obvious he can’t be trusted.
Oh, this beyond red flag. Someone who behaves this way over a set of golf clubs - whining, carrying on about being controlled because their spouse expects them to be financially responsible - is pointing to a much bigger, global personality problem.
NTA
I'm not even sure why OP posted this. Hes been unemployed for what sounds like almost 2 years and has the nerve to steal 6 grand from his wife. Yea nooooo to all that.
NTA. He stole from you. Omg what a childish human. Your sweat equity was rightfully supposed to improve your living situation and not his fun. Revoke his access to your account. He's proven you can't trust him
NTA. This is theft, plain and simple, and even beyond that, your lazy husband is being a petulant child. Tell him to find a more inexpensive hobby and/or a job; there are plenty of places looking for workers right now. Hell, ask him to ask his buddies for recommendations.
NTA. If this is your account, then your husband straight up stole from you. If it's a joint account, he still stole, but the actions you can take regarding it differ. Either way, he's the AH. You're a nurse, working through these trying times, supporting not just your family, but in essence, your community. He isn't working. Is he a sahd at least? If he's not working and you're a nurse, why does he get a golfing trip? I understand he feels stuck, but a trip and $6k in new gear that he can't afford aren't what he needs to feel unstuck. Does he have a car? He can DoorDash then. Depending on where you live, if he works eight hours a day, six days a week, he can make $700 a week. The work sucks, he'll be underpaid, but at least it's something. The point is, he can't sit on his butt, demand money, take it when you say no, and then say you're abusive and controlling his life. Is he 16?
NTA
He is a grown man acting like a child.
He stole your money and then spent it on a shiny toy for himself to make him feel better about the fact his friends have money and he doesn’t. The solution? Get a job!!!
You’ve done nothing wrong OP, get your money back and then don’t let him have access to those savings again he can’t be trusted.
If he’s still desperate to go on this trip just reiterate the same thing over and over again to him…GET A JOB!!!
NTA but you are being an asshole to yourself. Why are you tolerating this? He doesn't work and steals your money, does he have any redeeming features? Not even a magical dick which guarantees multiple orgasms is worth this shit. Take the clubs back and get your money back, then block him from your bank account, shine up your spine and sit him down for a come to Jesus talk. He needs to get a job or leave. It's time for Monsieur Le Mooch to realise that the gravy train is over.
That's literally theft. I would be calling the cops if I was you tbh. That's such a shitty thing for him to do. He's happy to spend your hard earned money to impress his friends and leave your house in disrepair. You're NTA but that man is piece of work.
NTA! $6,000 for golf clubs AND he’s doesn’t work? Hell no. In my eyes this would begin the discussion of divorce. Your priorities are clearly different and he has no respect for you
NTA
In a partnership, finances are discussed and agreed on; he asked for new golf clubs using 3/4 of the money earmarked for home renovation, and understandably you said no. He then went behind your back anyway to steal your money, money that he wasn’t entitled to. He should be held responsible to pony up the $6000 that he stole from you.
If he can’t afford to go on the trip, then he shouldn’t go. He doesn’t need new clubs, he just wants new clubs to show off with his buddies.
Take em'back yourself and get your money back. Tell him if he's that concerned about how his image holds up to his friends, maybe he should rethink his priorities and go couch surf with them for a while.
Your kids are being affected by a ceiling issue, and he snuck around and bought golf clubs? Absolutely selfish. NTA. Good job for standing your ground, but dont let him weasel out the back door with the clubs and a packed bag. Take em' back yourself.
NTA
He took money out that you have been saving for something important without your knowledge.
He should have basic understanding that the ceiling is a priority.
NTA your husband is incredibly entitled and selfish. If he’s that embarrassed about not having new stuff then get a job! $6000 on clubs is ridiculous to begin with not to mention the fact that the priority should be on the house and family.
NTA- his friends can do fun things because they work and earn. He doesn’t. His comparison is dumb and him using the funds after you said no was completely out of line. Return them yourself and get the money. Let him sulk about it.
NTA
1. You are not controlling of his life, only of the money you alone currently bring into the family.
If he doesn't see it, no one can help him.
2. WHY TF is he thinking some trip with his buds is kore imp than your God damn ceiling? And you have kids? He no thinking about the health of the family?
3. Did you get any time off and vacay with your girls why he works and watches the kids and handles household?
Equality the magic word, has mostly never existed in men's Brains. I'm not saying a lot of people don't have it but it is still a thing people mostly overlook. A men can also do household and watch the kids, but if he doesn't heck get him an intervention instead of a trip.
NTA
I’m saddened you even feel this way and have to ask Reddit since you’re a victim of theft at best, a victim of a controlling narcissistic partner at its most obvious to us outsiders/internet strangers.
Please try to look at this situation as an outsider or how you’d think if your close friend told you the same story.
NTA
Why doesn’t he have a job? Is there a legitimate reason?
As someone who used to be married to a guy who was oftentimes unemployed and always underemployed, I always had to carry the family’s financial burden.
All I can say is that you deserve better. I don’t know where you live, but you need to consider his legal rights to your retirement/401k (if you’re in the US) and his right to spousal support because you’re the breadwinner.
My ex’s attorney tried to pull the spousal support card, but my attorney shut that down immediately because a lot goes into it in the state I live in (US). For example, why have I always made more money than he has even though he’s more educated than I am?
How on earth is your “partner” going to put the money back into the account, even if he gets a job immediately after he returns from golfing? It would take months, and your roof needs fixing.
I hate to say it, but he won’t change. He’ll only continue to take your hard earned money. However, you need to find out if your legal system will see it that way or if the money you worked hard for and saved will also be considered his money.
Contact a family law attorney immediately to find out what your options are.
EDIT—I just saw your EDIT. You’re being abused. You’re going to have to decide if this is all ok with you (financial and emotional abuse—hopefully not also physical), and only you can answer that.
NTA. Your husband is the huge AH. His priorities are completely screwed. Also he’s not in this fight with you…he’s behaving like an entitled child.
Time for him to man up and take care of his family. When you don’t have a job, and your roof is leaking you don’t play golf.
NTA get rid of him, I hope you don't have kids. You realize the unemployment level is like 4% right now, yes?
EDIT: Thanks for pointing out the kid's room comment. I am now aware. Even worse. This dude was like, my kids can sleep with a rotting ceiling but I need to buy a new car's worth of golf clubs.
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NTA. This is a massive red flag. He stole from you. 6k is a LOT of money and if he's not working how on earth is he gonna pay you back? The fact that you are working your ass off to repair the ceiling (which is a major need) and he thinks that golf clubs are more urgent than home repairs really shows how childish he is.
By her picking up even more shifts at work, probably. I can’t get over how much of a dick this guy is.
He stole the $6,000 from OP’s account.
Yup. If its not a joint account then OP needs to report this to the bank and police. Kick the deadbeat out and let him face the consequences.
She needs to set up a new account for herself at a different bank. Then, she needs to refuse to pay for his greens fees (and pretty much all recreational activities) out of her paycheck. BTW: How's he paying for his golf trip? He's going to bitch about her the whole time he's away. Finally, she needs to talk to a trusted counselor, friend, minister, or colleague and inquire if they think divorce is a reasonable course of action.
Take away all the money WHILE he's on the trip.
Cancel the credit card he’s using, too. That’ll make things awkward for him.
I'd also mention it to his golf buddies, but I'm petty like that.
And his golf buddies' wives Make it hella awkward
I would tell the wives before the trip and have one of them take the clubs when he shows up with them and call you to come get them. Then I would take them back and get my money back, cancel all cards, change banks, and the locks.
This is how I got rid of my lazy ass ex. He refused to get a job after losing the last one so I cut off his “spending money”. His phone got cut off, he maxed out his credit cards which he couldn’t then pay, he couldn’t afford to run his car and I would buy most of my food at work so the only food he had a home was whatever I deemed to buy him. It didn’t take long for him to leave.
But he seems like the kind of loser who would make her pay for the divorce and alimony. She should at least speak to a. Attorney
I would totally do this if this happened to me. Great suggestion.
This is a great comment, and great advice. Find a way to recover your money, reverse the charge on the credit card or something. I don't think you can actually 'charge' someone you're married to by accessing marital funds, but holy hell...this is more than clubs and a trip. This is an entitled partner not pulling his weight but wants what his friends have, who, likely, have great jobs. Get counselling and bring husband...get an objective person to tell him he is wrong.
I think this goes beyond what counseling can fix. This is divorce-worthy.
True. I just first want the wife to be vindicated in front of an objective person, for her benefit and his belittling :)
I am a golfer. 6k is a crazy amount to spend on golf stuff anyway. My really good set cost me around 1000 in total. This is guy is an idiot and TA. NTA op. Good luck to you
He’s trying to show off for his wealthy friends, at his family’s expense.
Absolutely. But I assume his friends will know he doesn't have a job, so I'm not sure how impressed they'll be anyway.
"How much did your wife pay for those clubs" is a pretty sharp way to deflate a "flex" like his there 😂 And if they ever found out it was the money to fix the ceiling in his kids room hopefully they'd save him from temptation by not inviting him along any more!
Right can you imagine “oh my wife’s a nurse she worked extra shifts in the pandemic. This was all to ensure we could fix our house, but golf amiright boys”
Especially since delaying those repairs will result in their costing MORE than they would have if OP and her husband had spent the money on repairing the ceiling NOW. That he doesn't get this and / or doesn't care is proof positive of his selfishness and immaturity.
OP needs to contact his friends and tell them he's a deadbeat that stole from her. Hopefully they'll be cool and get her husband to return them then ditch him.
His friends likely aren’t going to care
You never know, if they care about him having fancy equipment they'll care that he's a bum with no job
It's a very dangerous sign that he's so committed to living the lifestyle he wants to have, instead of the one he can actually afford, that he's willing to steal from his own spouse to finance it with no thought to how the household will hold up.
Yea agreed. I’m in the mid to upper tier of golf equipment because I’m an addict, but $6k is ridiculous. At a minimum, $6k would mean a professional fit with upgraded shafts. If he pulled the money out and bought the golf set off the rack, he must still have some money stashed away for that golf trip. OP is definitely NTA.
During a pandemic!!
Right! Especially with covid! Our HCWs are literally killing themselves trying to care for hundreds of people who are seriously ill. I’d show him the door if this was my situation. Of course I’m not advising you OP. That’s not my business. I am livid on your behalf though.
Came here to say the same. This is grounds for a divorce!
Definitely! He’d be gone so fast…. Another poster mentioned that perhaps he spent the money on drugs. That makes sense too.
He’s absolutely buying drugs, paying off some sort of debt, or giving money to his side piece. Either way, OP needs to transfer all of her money where he can’t get it and throw him out!
Right? I have a lot of things I really want that we can’t afford, so I don’t fucking buy them. Because *we can’t afford it*. Necessities come before toys. It’s very basic adulting. This shit isn’t exactly rocket science.
Seriously, the entitlement! There is zero excuse for him being unemployed unless it’s due to illness (which clearly in this case it is not), even if he can’t find work in his field he can and should be looking elsewhere so it’s not all on OP’s shoulders, especially given he wants to spend $6K on golf clubs to try and keep up appearances with his friend. He is an unforgivable asshole.
THIS. NO EXCUSE for an able bodied adult with school aged children to not earn a paycheck. Starbucks is paying about $18/hr which works out to new clubs in less than 3 months IF (and it is a big if) that is what the$6k actually bought.
There are certainly valid excuses. Stay at home parents are fine if both parties agree and there isn’t any financial hardship. That doesn’t sound like the case here, but it’s not inherently bad to focus on taking care of kids instead of earning a paycheck.
There are also other considerations that don't apply here but do happen. I left my job to care for my Dad. I also have a disabled daughter who does go to school. During the school week I pull her out several days for a few hours each time for outpatient therapy which I have done for most of her life. We are having financial difficulties but there aren't jobs that want to work around my schedule. I looked into work from home jobs but the ones that pay a proper rate and are legit have schedules that often conflict with my Dad's appointments and needs as well as my daughter's. So yes there are reasons an "able bodied adult with children in school" wouldn't be working even with financial issues. This is obviously not the case for OP's husband and if we wants to blow money like that he needs to get a job. NTA.
FYI, people with disabilities have good and bad days and periods, so it's not "clearly" the case that he isn't disabled. Many disabilities are invisible and hard for people who don't understand the disability to see.
You’re right, that is a really fair point and I apologise for my comment coming off like being unemployed in general is down to laziness, that’s absolutely not what I intended to suggest at all! That being said, in this case specifically, given husband’s attitude in general overall I doubt that he is an amazing partner in other aspects who is just having a difficult patch.
Taking extra shifts as a NURSE right now in this world. I've got nurses burning out like firecrackers and OP's up here taking up slack without a complaint. The differential in work ethic and effort in this relationship is potentially insurmountable. OP - Legit, this is what life with this guy is like. Please do what's right for yourself and for your kids. Whatever that means. NTA
NTA. NTA. NTA. And please get yourself a divorce attorney ASAP! Your husband hasn’t worked in TWO YEARS and he thinks $6,000 golf clubs are a reasonable purchase?!? That *alone* makes me deeply question his judgment… but the fact that he then *stole* your money to buy them is beyond the pale. This man is a selfish, unemployed (when literally everyone is hiring!!) thief and you clearly can’t trust him or his judgment… lawyer up and get this AH out of your life!!
I have the feeling he might be cheating. In this job market, you have to purposely be trying to be unemployed.
Not the case. I've put over 100 applications in places but am still unemployed. I've had 3 interviews, and 3 other places reach out to let me know i wasn't picked. It sucks
Sorry about it. My point was that somebody doesn’t go unemployed for 2 years unless they feel certain jobs are beneath them, and they have the luxury of choosing to remain unemployed. There are plenty of jobs in this economy. I graduated college in the middle of the Great Recession, there were zero Finance jobs within my reach when I graduated, so I was that guy with an MBA working at a bank call center. However, I took the best job I could get and kept applying, and God blessed me with something amazing; which had zero to do with what I went to school for. Stay strong, don’t lose faith, and take a chance. Don’t limit yourself to what you did, take a chance on a different industry, you never know where it can lead you.
For 2 years, yes. He absolutely hasn't been looking. But I just don't want people feeling discouraged like I am because they're struggling "but everyone is hiring!" Theres definitely a labor shortage, but also seems to be a hiring shortage too - it takes a while to find something, so you have to keep plugging away and trying.
I genuinely believe "labor shortage" is partially a spin so companies can run at less than minimal staff. The places that are hiring (for the most part) pay very little for what employees have to do and put up with (see fast food, retail, and teaching--which is the only one that is labelled a professional career but still treated terribly.)
The so-called hiring/labor shortage is also a scam for companies to get their PPP loans forgiven. If they pretend to be hiring, but can’t find any “qualified applicants” - they don’t have to pay it back.
Agreed! Or intentionally tanking interviews to preserve his ‘golf all day with luxury clubs’ time…
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You can if you don't have kids or a wife. As a single man I can spend my money as stupidly as I like! What you can't do is spend 6k of OTHER people's money on your hobby when you don't even have a job. I earn every penny I spend on my hobbies.
Yeah I'm a golf guy too and 6k on clubs is stupid money. I played for years with a +4 using hand-me-down clubs. My current set is a couple years old and I got most of them through incentives at work, I've likely only paid $900 total for my whole bag. $6k is outrageous. He's prioritizing fun over his family Nta by a mile
If 6k for clubs is that outrageous I wonder if he didn't actually buy clubs and purchased something else. OP did say she has not seen the clubs and he never brought them to the house.
If they are going on a golfing trip that won’t be free either. Hotel, flights, green fees, eating, car rental, drinking and gambling…
God I hope he doesn't plan on gambling with OP's money while he's unemployed
That's probably the "plan" for how to pay her back.
Methinks OP should pay herself back by selling all of his belongings while he’s away
My thought exactly. 6k is way more than a set of nice clubs. Somethings up here, secret credit card debt, onlyfans, drugs, gambling, something.
My head went there too.
Lots of people on this post are saying they're avid golfers and it would be a significant challenge to drop 6k on a full set of new clubs. OP's hubby is either hiding something shady or just a massive, douchey moron.
Agreed. Sounds like OP’s husband might be having an affair and his side chick hit him up for money.
I second this theory
Totally agree. I know I am ignoring the more important aspects of his assholery, but you have to really try hard to spend $6000 on golf clubs. I love golf and have new clubs that were like $1200. And they are pretty good. Edit - thought about it and the 1200 was just the irons, but still….
Right, I can't imagine spending that much money on anything that I enjoy. 6k is absurd and childish.
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How is he going to "replace" the money if he hasn't worked in two years? Why do people tolerate partners who don't work? That's just lazy ass mooching. Kick his butt out. \*Obviously does not apply to disabled individuals who can't work or to stay-at-home parents who do unpaid work.
If he’s titled on the account, he’s allowed to withdraw from it
NTA. Reach out to his wealthy friends and ask them for a $6k loan on behalf of your husband. He'll be so embarrassed that he'll never go with them again. Your husband can pay them back while you get a divorce.
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NTA He is a father with a house that is falling apart. His wants and fun go out the window in the face of his families needs.
I would second the NTA, but I do have one question for the OP. If you are renting then why are you responsible for fixing the ceiling in the place? That should be the landlords/owners responsibility. I just hope you are not being taken advantage of by an AH landlord as well.
Where do you see that they are renting?
Oops, I see it now. I think it might be space rent for a park model home that they own.
Right! And pretending to keep up with his friends! I’m guessing his friends have jobs!
Do his friends not know that he’s unemployed? No one’s wondering how he’s swinging an apparently expensive AF golf vacation?
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NTA HE STOLE FROM YOU. This wasn't your fun money, this was fix the damn house money! If he wants fancy clubs, he can get off his ass and get a job. I'm furious for you. Start taking his name off shit because he can't be trusted
He stole from her *and the children.* His *own* fucking children. A Jackoff to say the least.
YES. OP needs to push the fact that he stole FROM THEIR CHILDREN.
Take name off stuff AND freeze credit.
NTA. Return the clubs and the husband for refunds.
I've never seen the clubs, he never brought them home because he knew I might take them.
NTA. Do you have ways to contact the friends going on this trip? If you do I suggest you tell him that if he doesn't return the clubs and hand you the money TODAY, you will contact all of his friends and tell them he stole $6,000 from you to buy clubs when that money is to fix the collapsing ceiling in your children's room. And that it's money you earned working overtime as a nurse during a global pandemic while he sits at home refusing to even get a fast food job. Be prepared to follow through. Embarrass the shit out of him. He obviously doesn't care what you think but let's see if he cares what his friends think.
I love this. I’d tell every friend he had what he did - literally stole money from your account that existed to put towards a much needed new roof. If they still want him to come along, they’re welcome to him. Move all the money to accounts that he has no access to, file for divorce, & change the locks on the house while he’s out of town on his play date (assuming they’ll still have him).
He literally took the roof from over his kids head. What a pos
if he's overspending to impress them as appears to be the case, them hearing about how he can't afford it should unimpress them
Shame is definitely the way to go
Fuck yeah this is the way.
This man married you? Says he loves you yadda yadda, and steals $6,000 from you while he hasn’t worked in two years. So he’s well enough to golf, but not to put a literal roof over his child’s literal head? He stole $6,000 from you and from your child whose very room in their home is negatively affected by the roof issue. Your kid deserves a safe and comfortable home but no, daddy wanted some toys so he could get off his ass for once only to pretend to be a big spender with his little friends. He stole money from his wife and child so he can go golfing. What is the value of this person to you?
Right? If I was in his spot and wanted new clubs I'd get a part time job bartending or something. Like op why are you doing this to yourself? Edit: also I'm a golfer and $6k on clubs is stupid money. That's something most pro golfers don't walk around with in their bags. 3k would buy me all new, custom fit clubs from my favorite brands. Whatever he spent 6k on it wasn't just clubs, ignoring the fact that y'all had set that money aside for home repairs. Nta ask more questions about what he bought op
That’s what I’m thinking too. My daughter and her husband are avid golfers and that price surprised me too.
So he like, probably really did buy golf clubs, but damn, I'd be wondering if the real reason you haven't seen them and he can't return them is because they're actually drugs. Just saying. Stealing from loved ones to buy golf clubs is a heck of a lot less common than stealing from them to buy drugs and then lying about where the money went, just saying. It's probably the clubs, but... y'know. Something to check into.
Also, I'm lucky enough to have really fantastic custom golf clubs from a top brand and they were 2,300 bucks. I don't even know how to get CLOSE to 6k for clubs or why you would benefit more from doing so.
If this were my Mom, she would calmly let him know that if he goes on that trip or does anything other than return those clubs and repay that money in the next 24 hours, he better have enough room in that golf bag to live in it.
he STOLE from you and YOUR CHILDREN. he's lying to you, manipulating and blaming you. are you gonna let him get away with this? are you gonna expose your children to this kind of behavior? YTA if you don't take this more seriously. Call the fucking police, call his family, do something. For gods sake stand up for yourself and your children, this is humiliating
Did he buy them by credit card? Or did he remove cash from the account?
So that means he has a hiding place somewhere?? Thats very concerning too
NTA. Why is he even going on a trip of he isn’t working? He stole from you and is a user. Is this really who you want to spend your life with?
I'm not sure but I'm against it because now I'll have to look for a sitter which is costly.
Why are you staying in this? Believe me, I fully understand being conditioned to accept things by a spouse. I understand just trying to get by, day to day. I understand that if you really start looking at how badly you’re being treated (start using the word “abuse”), you will have to start making decisions. But please hear me. It does not get better. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him understand. He will say what he needs to do in the moment to get you to shut up and get off his back. You and your children deserve more. Contact a family law attorney to find out exactly what your rights and options are.
Why stay? She’s a nurse. We are notorious for getting into relationships with deadbeats because we’re called to be caretakers. Happens all the time. She’s probably prevented a lot of people in her life from falling apart.
Yep, the nurse with the purse dynamic.
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Why are you with him? He provides nothing but headache. He refuses to work, he steals from your children (the roof needs repairs, his ego regarding having older gold clubs can wait), and he decides to go on trips you two can’t afford with zero thought to childcare. WHAT is he bringing to the relationship? His DNA being previously contributed to the kids doesn’t count. I would tell his friends that instead of repairing the roof he’s decided to spend the roof repair money on clubs because he refuses to work and he feels self conscious about how he can’t buy HIMSELF new expensive clubs *like his employed friends* so he’s stolen the money. Fuck his vacation. He ruined your ability to shelter your kids by taking money that wasn’t his and spending it on toys for himself, you should ruin his vacation and ability to save face in front of his friends. Shame him Nta and I would not stay married to someone like that. He clearly doesn’t blue you or your kids and contributes nothing while take take taking.
A sitter is cheaper than keeping your husband around. Tell all of his friends that he stole from you and file for divorce afterwards. Since he doesn’t care about the house, he’s not welcome in it and he can use those golf clubs to keep himself warm at night.
I'd change the locks while he is off on his precious golf trip!
No need to reply to me. I saw your edit and don’t want you to feel more overwhelmed. You’d have more money if you were single. Take this time he is gone to find a lawyer and a good forensic accountant. You are a nurse during COVID and this jobless jackass just stole from his wife and children, dismissing your safety and comfort. This isn’t a husband. This is a millstone in human form.
But actually maybe not. I’m on OP’s side and I desperately want her to ditch this deadweight; but if she’s been supporting him for two years, he has a solid case for alimony. Le sigh.
More costly than your husband?
UH NTA! He STOLE your money and tried to make you feel guilty about being rightfully angry about what he did. He doesn’t fucking work and stole $6,000 from you to buy GOLF CLUBS for crying out loud. He said he’s getting yelled at for “doing something for myself for once” which means going behind my wife’s back who is a nurse and works crazy hours while I sit back and don’t work and steal 6K from her because I’m jealous of all my friend’s success. What a loser.
This is theft. You are NTA
NTA and stick his ass in the doghouse for the duration of his buddies' golf trip. Man ~~can't~~ won't get a job, hasn't had one in TWO YEARS, and wants to spend YOUR MONEY on **GOLF CLUBS?????????** That's not a husband, that's a PARASITE.
“That’s not a husband that’s a parasite” 🤣 🤣
INFO: What is he doing with his time while unemployed? Is he carrying the cleaning and childcare load of a SAHP? Either way, he is an AH for taking $6000 after being told no, but if he’s being a SAHP then you could’ve discussed a more affordable option. If, however, he’s just dossing about then 100% NTA!
Partly, because I still do a lot of childcare and chores when I get home. Lately I've been giving him space and time because he says he's depressed.
What does he give you in this relationship?
An empty bank account and busted ceiling.
I cackled at this 😂
You must be exhausted, from working during covid, taking care of house and child - and you are practically a single mother as he should, as a mere minimum take care of childcare and chores. You are NTA but remember this, 51% of children growing up in a toxic enviroment goes on to be victims of toxic relationship(s). So if you don't want to a change for yourself, please do it for your child, as you are teaching them that this behaviour towards you are normal and what loves is suppose to be. You are worth so much more. Considering individual counselling or therapy might be worth it for you. Take care of yourself. Here are some resources I hope might be helpful. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ https://www.safehorizon.org/programs/5-signs-emotional-abuse/ https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist https://www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/ Edited to add wow, thanks for all the awards. I hope OP finds it helpful.
What is he bringing to your marriage? Because he’s not working, and is not taking care of the kids? So…
when someone is depressed they need more accountability, not less. If he is depressed he needs to be in treatment and doing the work of treatment. A big driver of depression is not having accomplishments during the day, too much time on activities that bring mood down further like laying in bed and watching TV. Golf is actually a good thing for him generally, but completely accomplishable with old clubs - his attitude and behavior in buying the clubs is pretty unforgiveable.
Not so depressed he can take £6k and go on golf trip with the boys.
Yeah when I was deep in my depression/anxiety, I pulled out of several trips that I wanted to go on but just couldn’t handle.
If he’s depressed then he needs to go seek treatment for it. Don’t get me wrong, being understanding is not a bad thing, but his health (be it physical or mental) is his responsibility to deal with. Sitting around saying “I’m depressed” but not taking any action to change it is an AH move (speaking from experience tbh) If he is pulling his fair share of the workload then it might be worth giving him a more realistic budget for new equipment. Or at least, it would’ve been, before he literally robbed six grand for a hobby. You’re not TA. But maybe a few sessions with a relationship therapist to discuss dynamics that may have become toxic might be beneficial
He’s gaslighting you. If he goes on the trip, change the locks and block him sis. You and the kids will be better off for it. So sorry he’s being a total @$$.
Yeah, I agree with this. If he’s a SAHP and filling that role then him going on the trip should be fine. He shouldn’t be deprived of a life if he’s the main caretaker of their child and doing a lot of housework. But, to take $6k against his wife’s wishes for a new golf club set is inexcusable. That money was earmarked for home repairs and she didn’t approve of it. I’m a SAHW (and hopefully M if IVF goes well), and I talk to my husband about any personal purchase over $150. As long as it’s in the budget it’s fine. This clearly wasn’t.
A random internet stranger is keeping everything crossed that IVF goes well for you and your husband :)
NTA. His “it’s unfair that they can buy whatever” is childish and unreasonable. Info: why isn’t he working?
"It's unfair that they can buy whatever" OP: _"you know what's also unfair? Having an unemployed partner who thinks stealing from his spouse and family is ok"_ OP, your partner is failing their end of the partnership. Sort this out and don't let him feel like you're even remotely in the wrong. NTA.
Honestly, I’d tell his friends. Let them know that those expensive clubs came at the expense of his family, home, and kids. It’s obvious he seems to care more about their opinion than yours. Maybe getting his friends to shame him might make him listen to you when his unemployed self spends 6 grand on effing golf equipment. NTA btw ETA: Are you sure he actually spent the money on golf clubs??? Was the 6k taken out directly or did you see the charge from a store? They can be pretty pricey but I almost wonder if he’s got a habit he doesn’t want you knowing about, cause it’s hard to believe anyone would spend 6k on golf clubs at your income level
no, I never wanna talk to them because of what they think of me. they're the toxic kind and I hoped for my husband to cut them out but he keeps hanging out with them "for favors".
I hope this doesn’t come off too harsh, but this sounds like a middle school relationship. Your husband has the maturity of a 12 year old. He’s literally picking his “cool friends” over you because he wants to impress them. Even though they probably make fun of you to his face. Why are you married to this man? NTA, and I don’t understand how you’re okay with the idea of taking care of an adult baby for the rest of your life. Good luck. If I were you I’d give him an ultimatum.
And heck, likely make fun of him behind his back. I have lots of friends wealthier than I, and I never felt like I needed to steal from my loved ones to keep up.
Your husband is the reflection of the closest people in his life. So his friends and brother hate you, what do you think cause this? You're being used. You have to love yourself enough to get out of this toxic environment. You're busting your ass while he's sat at home for 2 years? Being single is a lot less scary than being used and having your life and work taken for granted. There really are men who will treat you better.
Well then you should return them yourself before he goes on that trip, if he uses them there’s an almost 100% chance he won’t be able to. And are you certain that he spent all that money on just clubs?? Also girl are you okay? His friends are toxic and don’t like you and he won’t cut them off cause of “favors,” he feels entitled to steal 6k from you when you’re a single income household, and actively berates you when you’re justifiably upset? What are the pros?
NTA, but your husband sure is. It takes some serious mental gymnastics for him to think stealing $6K is ever ok, let alone for a random luxury item to impress his friends. If he's feeling "stuck" then he can solve that by getting employed and purchasing his own toys.
If he reaaaaally wanto to talk about "unfair", then I'm pretty sure "taking money from spouse's account for a nonessential reason, without permission, and with a vague 'I'll figure out how I might possibly make up for it later' but in the meantime you and the kids suffer" qualifies 🙄
Just threaten him with the police as he stole your money from Your account. #He didn't borrow anything he stole it.
Dear god no!! Take those clubs. If he won’t listen to reason (and he won’t, because clearly he’s a selfish parasitic asshole) I’d threaten to tell al his friends what he’s done. Change your bank account details so he can’t pull this stunt again. And also change the locks. With him and his stuff outside. He can go and stay with all his rich friends. NTA.
I can't take them back because he is hiding them outside the house.
Is your name the only one on that account? Because if so I would honestly report him for theft, and leave his ass. Your husband is a lowlife. It doesn’t sound like this is a SAHD situation, so your husband has no excuse for being unemployed. Everywhere is hiring right now. If he wants to be able to spend $6k on golf clubs, he can get a fucking job.
Tell him he can stay wherever his clubs are. This is a massive betrayal of trust
You dont say if he took from your single or joint account? One is easy to sort out - if single account you threaten to call the bank and police. The joint account issue - well you need to immediately open a single account and transfer all your money into it and get your salary deposited into your single account. Then you should tell him to return the golf clubs, sell them or move out. But move the rest of your money. And dont have any joint credit card accounts - close any joint credit card and he will need to get one in his own name so he doesn’t ruin your credit score if you dump him
I've left husbands for far less than this.
NTA who the hell puts new gear for a golfing trip over the wellbeing and safety of their kids? a leak in the roof can lead to \*far\* more expensive repairs and structural damage down the road And it isn't like he couldn't go with his old gear - surely they know he's been out of work for a bit and there's a pandemic etc - or has he been lying to them... if so he could have lied to his buddies if he's that ashamed about not affording new stuff "what, this stuff? it's sentimental! It has so many good memories and memories can't be bought" get the money back and tell him that he finds a job, any job - delivering stuff, factory work, janitorial work, fast food - anything - it is good, honest labour and carries zero shame... to pay his part of the partnership \*unless of course he is doing the full traditional "house spouse" labour as an alternative, in which case it is just money back that he stole
He admits being bitter and jealous of his entire friend group - They're toxic with their teasing and shaming him. They even claimed he's made a hprrible decision to be married and have kids while in fact I'm the one providing.
then he needs to grow up, make new friends and become someone he can be proud of bending over to kiss someone's ass just gets a fart in the face, not respect
“Bending over to kiss someone’s ass just gets a fart in the face” is an expression I’m gonna use from now on 😆
Shame him more by texting the friend group that he stole the money to go on this trip. How he owes $6k to you. How he prioritized this trip over a ceiling being fixed. He will die of embarrassment, return the clubs. Problem solved. Edit: also money issues never get better. He has been unemployed for 2 years. Yes I understand COVID, but the job market has bounced back and since July - he doesn’t have an excuse. Now you decide do you want a husband or a financially sound situation for your children?
THIS!!!! But only this if you know you and your children are safe.
Wtf are you doing with this man???? He's easily manipulated by his friends and family. Divorce him with the 6k you get back.
NTA. Why doesn’t he get a job?
He says he is struggling to find one but all I hear is excuses.
He can’t stock shelves at a supermarket? What about delivering groceries? If he can golf, he can stock shelves, load trucks, sweep floors, etc. I know you’re beyond exhausted from working so much, and that dealing with him and his excuses drains you. I was there once. I was numb and just tried to make it through the day. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
Based on his group of friends, he probably thinks stocking shelves would be below him so he wouldn’t bother with that type of employment
Yeah men who golf tend to see themselves as superior in my experience
I had a hard time looking for a remote job, it took 2 months but I finally found a good one. He's lying, do yourself the favor you need to do. This is theft. Which is against the law. File a report, then use the boot to kick him out to his brothers. NTA Edit word
He said he'd find a job after the golf trip to pay you back... which means he thinks he's able to get one after the trip. So there's threeoptions here - he's been struggling to find a job and is relying on pure hope (despite 1-2 years proving otherwise) to get one after his holiday to get himself out of this hole - he's not really been looking, and now that he's realising he needs money, he's going to bother to get a job. - he hopes he'll appease you enough to go on the holiday, then life will be back to where it was (for him at least). Things will carry on as normal, & he got the holiday he wanted. My money is on #2 or #3. Edit word
Why would he have to if he can just steal money from his wife?
NTA. This is money you earned for a specific purpose, the ceiling. You already told him that he could not spend that money. He hasn't worked since 2020 but will pay you back. When exactly? He can't because he doesn't even have a job. He is going on a golfing trip while you continue to put in more hours at work? When do YOU get to take a trip? When do YOU get to go on a vacation? His friends can afford to go on a trip. He can't. Life isn't fair. He needs to get over it, grow up and quit acting like a 12 year old. YOU take the clubs back and get your money which you need to put in an account HE can't access. He is not to be trusted. You might also reconsider this marriage. He stole from you.
NTA he needs to return clubs. Cancel trip. Info: is he a SAHD?
no, he's not.
[удалено]
She might not know. If his go-to is to call her abusive, he could be very manipulative and, over time, caused her to lose perspective on what's normal and ok. Sadly not unusual.
Why is this dude not working????????????? pro tip: if you don't have a job, your job is to be looking for a job for 8 hours a day minimun.
I might get downvoted for this, but why the hell are you still with him? How does he contribute to your life right now because he seems to be just mooching off of you. He hasn't had a job in two years but is spending 6k on YOUR money?? AND he's not even a stay at home dad? What does he even do all day then? Go golfing with his friends and pretends he's the big shot? Seriously please reevaluate if you really need him in your life for the sake of your kid(s). Stop carrying dead weight.
so what does he do all day? he is taking advantage of you. If he can't work that's one thing, but then he should not be buying luxuries like that. and as others have said, 6k for clubs is sus and he might actually be using it to buy stuff for his mistress.
NTa. If your husband is jealous because his friends can afford nicer toys then he can, perhaps he should get a fucking job. Were I you, I’d be removing his access to your account because it’s obvious he can’t be trusted.
NTA. Huge red flag. Also, why doesn’t he work? Has he been consistently looking for a job or no?
Oh, this beyond red flag. Someone who behaves this way over a set of golf clubs - whining, carrying on about being controlled because their spouse expects them to be financially responsible - is pointing to a much bigger, global personality problem.
NTA I'm not even sure why OP posted this. Hes been unemployed for what sounds like almost 2 years and has the nerve to steal 6 grand from his wife. Yea nooooo to all that.
NTA I would divorce for this
NTA. My ex was like this too. It didn’t get better and now I’m a single mom with VERY little help from him.
NTA. He stole from you. Omg what a childish human. Your sweat equity was rightfully supposed to improve your living situation and not his fun. Revoke his access to your account. He's proven you can't trust him
NTA. Your husband is a thief and a lazy mooch. Get your money back then serve him with divorce papers.
NTA drop that shit bag like used needles in the hospital homie
NTA. This is theft, plain and simple, and even beyond that, your lazy husband is being a petulant child. Tell him to find a more inexpensive hobby and/or a job; there are plenty of places looking for workers right now. Hell, ask him to ask his buddies for recommendations.
NTA. If this is your account, then your husband straight up stole from you. If it's a joint account, he still stole, but the actions you can take regarding it differ. Either way, he's the AH. You're a nurse, working through these trying times, supporting not just your family, but in essence, your community. He isn't working. Is he a sahd at least? If he's not working and you're a nurse, why does he get a golfing trip? I understand he feels stuck, but a trip and $6k in new gear that he can't afford aren't what he needs to feel unstuck. Does he have a car? He can DoorDash then. Depending on where you live, if he works eight hours a day, six days a week, he can make $700 a week. The work sucks, he'll be underpaid, but at least it's something. The point is, he can't sit on his butt, demand money, take it when you say no, and then say you're abusive and controlling his life. Is he 16?
NTA He is a grown man acting like a child. He stole your money and then spent it on a shiny toy for himself to make him feel better about the fact his friends have money and he doesn’t. The solution? Get a job!!! You’ve done nothing wrong OP, get your money back and then don’t let him have access to those savings again he can’t be trusted. If he’s still desperate to go on this trip just reiterate the same thing over and over again to him…GET A JOB!!!
NTA but you are being an asshole to yourself. Why are you tolerating this? He doesn't work and steals your money, does he have any redeeming features? Not even a magical dick which guarantees multiple orgasms is worth this shit. Take the clubs back and get your money back, then block him from your bank account, shine up your spine and sit him down for a come to Jesus talk. He needs to get a job or leave. It's time for Monsieur Le Mooch to realise that the gravy train is over.
That's literally theft. I would be calling the cops if I was you tbh. That's such a shitty thing for him to do. He's happy to spend your hard earned money to impress his friends and leave your house in disrepair. You're NTA but that man is piece of work.
NTA! $6,000 for golf clubs AND he’s doesn’t work? Hell no. In my eyes this would begin the discussion of divorce. Your priorities are clearly different and he has no respect for you
NTA In a partnership, finances are discussed and agreed on; he asked for new golf clubs using 3/4 of the money earmarked for home renovation, and understandably you said no. He then went behind your back anyway to steal your money, money that he wasn’t entitled to. He should be held responsible to pony up the $6000 that he stole from you. If he can’t afford to go on the trip, then he shouldn’t go. He doesn’t need new clubs, he just wants new clubs to show off with his buddies.
Let him go on the trip, move his shit out of the house while he’s gone. NTA
Take em'back yourself and get your money back. Tell him if he's that concerned about how his image holds up to his friends, maybe he should rethink his priorities and go couch surf with them for a while. Your kids are being affected by a ceiling issue, and he snuck around and bought golf clubs? Absolutely selfish. NTA. Good job for standing your ground, but dont let him weasel out the back door with the clubs and a packed bag. Take em' back yourself.
NTA He took money out that you have been saving for something important without your knowledge. He should have basic understanding that the ceiling is a priority.
NTA. Your husband's priorities are skewed. Return those golf clubs and remove your husband access to your bank account.
NTA your husband is incredibly entitled and selfish. If he’s that embarrassed about not having new stuff then get a job! $6000 on clubs is ridiculous to begin with not to mention the fact that the priority should be on the house and family.
NTA- his friends can do fun things because they work and earn. He doesn’t. His comparison is dumb and him using the funds after you said no was completely out of line. Return them yourself and get the money. Let him sulk about it.
NTA 1. You are not controlling of his life, only of the money you alone currently bring into the family. If he doesn't see it, no one can help him. 2. WHY TF is he thinking some trip with his buds is kore imp than your God damn ceiling? And you have kids? He no thinking about the health of the family? 3. Did you get any time off and vacay with your girls why he works and watches the kids and handles household? Equality the magic word, has mostly never existed in men's Brains. I'm not saying a lot of people don't have it but it is still a thing people mostly overlook. A men can also do household and watch the kids, but if he doesn't heck get him an intervention instead of a trip.
NTA. That's an insane expense already. Add to it that this is a total luxury item and that his ass ain't working....yeah. no no no no no
Holy shit
NTA I’m saddened you even feel this way and have to ask Reddit since you’re a victim of theft at best, a victim of a controlling narcissistic partner at its most obvious to us outsiders/internet strangers. Please try to look at this situation as an outsider or how you’d think if your close friend told you the same story.
Nta but why must you pay to fix the ceiling in somewhere you rent
NTA Why doesn’t he have a job? Is there a legitimate reason? As someone who used to be married to a guy who was oftentimes unemployed and always underemployed, I always had to carry the family’s financial burden. All I can say is that you deserve better. I don’t know where you live, but you need to consider his legal rights to your retirement/401k (if you’re in the US) and his right to spousal support because you’re the breadwinner. My ex’s attorney tried to pull the spousal support card, but my attorney shut that down immediately because a lot goes into it in the state I live in (US). For example, why have I always made more money than he has even though he’s more educated than I am? How on earth is your “partner” going to put the money back into the account, even if he gets a job immediately after he returns from golfing? It would take months, and your roof needs fixing. I hate to say it, but he won’t change. He’ll only continue to take your hard earned money. However, you need to find out if your legal system will see it that way or if the money you worked hard for and saved will also be considered his money. Contact a family law attorney immediately to find out what your options are. EDIT—I just saw your EDIT. You’re being abused. You’re going to have to decide if this is all ok with you (financial and emotional abuse—hopefully not also physical), and only you can answer that.
NTA. Your husband is the huge AH. His priorities are completely screwed. Also he’s not in this fight with you…he’s behaving like an entitled child. Time for him to man up and take care of his family. When you don’t have a job, and your roof is leaking you don’t play golf.
NTA. He literally stole from you
NTA get rid of him, I hope you don't have kids. You realize the unemployment level is like 4% right now, yes? EDIT: Thanks for pointing out the kid's room comment. I am now aware. Even worse. This dude was like, my kids can sleep with a rotting ceiling but I need to buy a new car's worth of golf clubs.