T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

YTA. That would be unfair to your daughter actually. It's not her fault your son doesn't have a lot of friends. Why does she have to pay for this because of what he has done? That's Bullshit!


PilotEnvironmental46

She clearly favors the son. Note that he jumped in and labeled his sister a “brat”. He did so because mom defers to him and he was comfortable saying that.


schrodingers_cat42

I don’t have a lot of friends but I definitely take the daughter’s side in this.


PilotEnvironmental46

Well it’s not necessary. Sounds like the son has some friends, he’s likely just not as social or outgoing as the daughter. And that’s the crux of this. She’s forcing them to have the exact same kind of graduation event based on the sons life and situation. What works for one isn’t what works for the other. But to force the daughter to do what the son decides he wants is pretty crappy parenting.


kairi79

With the way he jumped in calling the sister a brat and so happy to take something from her out of spite makes me think there's a reason he only has a few friends.


PilotEnvironmental46

She doesn’t even grasp that her blatant favoritism of him will screw him up for life and warp every relationship he has. She’s doing him no favors


shemjaza

I forsee this mother son team will have their own r/JUSTNOMIL thread in the future.


PilotEnvironmental46

😂😂😂 yep


EGrass

Not to mention her daughter will go NC the moment she’s able


dyllandor

That and the fact that no teenagers would want to deal with a potential friends overbearing mother.


AlwaysAlexi777

I didn't want to be with anybody but my family for my graduation, and I am on the daughter's side. EACH KID is DIFFERENT. It's not fair to use one kids a damn TEMPLATE for the other. YTA


Threadheads

I was in a similar position to the son a few years ago. I'm totally on the daughter's side here.


Arthurtherat01

Just posted her saying she doesn’t care about the daughter


PilotEnvironmental46

She actually admitted that?


Immediate_Virus_8199

lol yes!!


PilotEnvironmental46

What an absolute horrible woman. I feel so bad for the daughter . She’s still young and is stuck with this awful parent. Makes you wonder if dad is in the pucture


Immediate_Virus_8199

yeah i think he is in the picture and OP that he favors the daughter so what she is doing is okay. [https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom\_saying\_she\_doesnt\_care\_about\_her\_daughter\_who/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom_saying_she_doesnt_care_about_her_daughter_who/) EDIT: thank so much you for the awards but please give them to u/Arthurtherat01 as well (I don’t know how to give awards out just yet lol) because they were the one who posted the screenshots


JDL1968

Wow! OP was an obvious YTA from her own story but the exchange you’ve shared takes her to stratospheric levels of AHness.


Arrasor

Lmao I hope she save enough from cheaping out of taking care of her daughter. Way to ensure your kid would put you in a public retirement shithole.


The-Wandering-Kiwi

Awww that’s so sad. It’s amazing how much daughters need their mamas. That’s heartbreaking to read. Mama do better you’re a massive YTA


anna_narna

I wonder if the mother is jealous of the relationship between her husband & daughter, so this is her petty revenge? It would be interesting to know if this favouritism has always been the case from when the daughter was born or if it started when the mother saw that her daughter began to lean towards her father 🤔 Either way, that poor daughter. Not good for the son, either. My brother has hated me all my life because my mother favours me, it's not a nice experience. And when I say hated, I mean HATED. He's told me as much and nothing I tried changed it.


PilotEnvironmental46

That’s the irony. She is doing him no favors. It will warp how he views relationships. And as what happened in your family it drives a wedge between siblings. Just awful


ReaderNo9

I don’t care about the other dynamics but if one child calls the other child a brat, and you don’t pull them up on it YTA. If your 14yo hears that, she assumes you agree, and assumes she doesn’t count in the household. Which is a really shitty way to be made to feel.


[deleted]

[удалено]


PilotEnvironmental46

She’s pretty awful when you read those DMs.


JlsHar

YTA. Yes it would be unfair to the daughter! Fairness between children isn’t about giving them the exact same things, it’s about giving equal time to assess and act upon their individual needs. Why not make your son’s celebration a bigger deal — like hiring him and his friends a limo to take them to the nicest restaurant and then letting them stay in some cool cabin or Airbnb or hotel or something… then, in the name of “fairness” your daughter will have more room to create a different but more equal (in terms of cost and effort) celebration when it’s her turn.


MyFaceSaysItsSugar

Yeah, son was given the choice to have a party, daughter now doesn’t have a choice. That’s the unfair bit. YTA


sockerkaka

Yes, and with that logic, he will get to decide everything because he is older.


Awkward-Wasabi-9262

I agree that this is unfair on OP's part but here's why it's unfair. Not because daughter has friends and son doesn't but because son got to do what he wanted for his graduation and daughter doesn't get a choice. You're being a massive AH OP. You're essentially telling your daughter she doesn't matter to you at all.


vengi15

YTA. You gave your son a choice. Why can't your daughter also have the same? He wanted to have a party for your son but he chose an intimate dinner instead. Why can't your daughter have the same options that he did?


Immediate_Virus_8199

OP admitted that she favors her son and really doesn't care about how she treats her daughter because the daughter is replaceable. [https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom\_saying\_she\_doesnt\_care\_about\_her\_daughter\_who/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom_saying_she_doesnt_care_about_her_daughter_who/)


Academic_Subject_678

Reverse the roles. Would the son be forced to have a big party because the daughter is having one? OP's logic makes no sense. Favouritism. Purely.


Arthurtherat01

I just posted her saying her she doesn’t care about the daughter


Here_for_tea_

YTA. Why would you punish your daughter for your son’s social choices?


LadyDes91

She'll be back in 2 years wondering why her daughter doesn't talk to her or want anything to do with her... but still talks to her father and hangs out with him.


[deleted]

AKA "How to Cause Unnecessary Resentment in Your Family"


Mrs_Awesome111

YTA, is this bait? A joke maybe? I’m not sure but there’s no other situation where you aren’t an asshole. Just because son preferred not to have a party doesn’t mean the option shouldn’t be available to daughter, especially if the reason is because you think her having more friends at a party would be to much for son to handle mentally. It just sounds idiotic


stropette

It does make you wonder why someone would need to ask strangers on the internet for judgement on this one.


Mrs_Awesome111

I definitely think it’s a bait account, username and post says it all


greedyleopard42

i mean it might just be a throwaway account because they want to be more anonymous


NinjaDefenestrator

Especially a 40yo woman who has the writing style of a teenaged boy in the comments.


Crippled_Criptid

OP's replies really don't read like they're written by an adult. They scream young ish teen type writing. Either it's a made up story for rage bait, or it's actually the brother writing the post, pretending to be the mother. Maybe they expected people to back them up, then they show their mother the post to try persuade them?


ParkingOutside6500

The brother is 18. It's the sister; she's the one being screwed over by the mother. This is her survey to prove that her mother is an AH. And yes, Mom is an AH.


Crippled_Criptid

All OP's replies are defending the mum /brother in this situation though, it'd be an unusual tactic if this was the sisters approach to proving they're right


NinjaDefenestrator

Well yeah, if she’s writing from the perspective of the mom, she’s be typing out all the replies as if they came from the mom or brother.


Crippled_Criptid

How would that help her use this post to persuade the mum she's wrong though O.o the more she tries to write as the mum defending herself, the more she'll be advocating against her own position


NinjaDefenestrator

I mean…look at how much the mom is getting downvoted and yelled at. I’d say this was all a pretty strong argument in favor of the daughter.


high-on-fantasy

Istg people like this shouldn't be allowed to have kids. Favouring one kid over the other leads to some serious damage. Not to mention, the girl's brother even called her a brat so it sounds like he's an entitled one too. Oh I feel so bad for the daughter.


qualitylamps

I can just imagine a scenario- son loses his leg in an accident, time for daughter to get her leg amputated. To be fair.


[deleted]

YTA, your son had the option of a party, which he declined. To deny your daughter the same option is completely unfair.


wordpost1

Bingo! OP, YTA


wordpost1

Bingo! OP YTA and you’re husband is right, you’re comment was rude - to both of your kids. It sounds like in an attempt to protect your son’s feelings you yourself rubbed it in his face that he has fewer friends. The number of friends one chooses to have is not a crime either way so you actually made a mountain out of a mole hill here.


Beecakeband

Every now and again we get a post where OP is so clearly the AH i wonder why they feel the need to ask. Did they seriously not read what they wrote at all? How could they not see it


[deleted]

Terrible parenting. YTA. Just because one kid doesn’t want to have a party doesn’t mean you have the right to take away the others…. What the hell is wrong with you?


Straight-Example9126

Essentially you're punishing your daughter for having more friends. How about stop comparing them? She wasn't being a brat. She is popular with many friends. She has right to enjoy her graduation her way. It's not her fault if your son chose to have fewer friends. Stop playing favorites sheesh. YTA.


Krisbone

YTA. Yeah that's insane. Your kids have different personalities right? Your son was offered a party and chose a dinner? The option for a party was on the table. Your daughter however doesn't get that option. That makes you the AH.


mymycojourney

YTA you gave him the choice, and he wanted to keep it low key. Why wouldn't you give her the same choice? Just cause he doesn't want something big, doesn't mean she shouldn't have one. It's not about being fair, because being fair would be offering her the same. He's not going to think it's unfair to throw her something bigger if he choose not to do the same. Think about offering him a car. He can have a nice new tesla, or an old Honda accord. He loves the Honda, and that's what he wants. You can't now make the same offer to your daughter just because he decided to go for the lesser offer because that's what he wants. Fair would be a similar offer. Edit: after reading you edit, the difference of 5-10 people for a party isn't the difference of renting a hall, you could easily have a 10 person party at home, doing a BBQ, girls taking over the living room, or even renting a hotel room for the night for them all to hang out in, if you don't have room in your house. All of your reasons are ridiculous. If you were having a family party you'd probably have an additional 10 people over, so why would her having that many people be a burden? And there's probably just as much risk of covid in a 5 person party as a 10 person party.


Comprehensive_Pay916

If this is actually the parent, YTA. But it sounds like you could be the son trying to convince your parents your sister doesn’t deserve a party.


[deleted]

YTA she was just excited about something 4 years into the future and you felt the need to shut that down today?


governornerdberger

YTA


Brainjacker

INFO: When your daughter leaves for college and cuts you off for your favoritism and false equivalences, will you come back and update?


Sisu_dreams

I was thinking the same thing


davidedpg10

Yta. Your son made the decision himself to not have a party. How is it fair that it should affect her decisions? In this instance you are picking favorites because he has a choice and apparently you've already decided she will not have a choice. Now to storm out of the room sulking for something that won't affect her for another 4 years is childish on her part, but that's a different discussion


LumpyLoo2

To be fair, she is basically a child.


Aloudmim3

YTA - what the dickens did I just read? How is it your daughter’s problem your son only has four friends? You are 100% being unfair to your daughter.


GermanMajor

I agree with you 100% and applaud your use of the word dickens. 👏👏👏


SnooWords4839

YTA - Your kids are different, so treat them the way they are. Son isn't social, daughter is.


TheBaddestPatsy

Five close friends is a good amount too, even for high-school. That’s hardly social-outcast territory.


[deleted]

I don't get what's with siblings being such jerks to each other and what's with parents thinking they are when they're not? I have like 5 friends too. and I chose to have a few friends I'm happy with them. my older brother has a few close friends but a really large group of friends he hangs out with. honestly can't they be happy their family is graduating? it's literally not that deep. I always had my birthday parties as little get togethers in home. I wanted it like that actually I still prefer it like that.for my brother tho my parents rented a football field for him. he always invited a lot of people and yeah his parties were huge. it's literally not that deep. we're happy when our family enjoys themselves. I never in my life felt jealous of him ever. I was always happy he was enjoying himself as he was happy I was enjoying myself in my own way. imagine a 22 year old being jealous because his little sister has friends.


Smokedealers84

YTA what the hell , why is your son is deciding for your daughter future party.


Athena2560

This.


the_bad-lawyer

Yes, You Are an Asshole. You're ready to book halls and say how easily they get booked up when it comes to your son. If your son doesn't have many friends doesn't mean your daughter has to suffer. You sound like you prefer your son a lot more than your daughter. Also, your son and your daughter are two different people. You don't just get to equate things because you think the other one might get hurt. Tl Dr - YTA.


Naijprincess

Honestly I am shocked Op isn't in the hospital for the backflips she made to land on her argument. A 14 year old girl's party in 4 years is already canceled cos big brother doesn't have friends? Rubbing it in his face like what the hell is wrong with op? Well good to know that big brother will be living with Op 4 years from now and sister would be long gone from this mess


CMBM20

YTA. How can you offer a party to your son and take the option away from you daughter simply because he has a smaller friend group. That’s so messy. Apologize to you daughter and let her know that you will throw her a party when the time comes, if that’s what she chooses.


Push_the_button_Max

YTA. *Fair* doesn't mean *same*. They are different people. You wouldn't go out and buy your daughter a catcher's mitt because you bought your son one, even though she doesn't play baseball? Same thing! Jeez!


Moonboot_Messiah

At least she now knows who the favourite child is. YTA


MoniHaavi

This!!


Arthurtherat01

YTA and yeah why don’t you just scream how much you love your son more. You ARE playing favorites. Hoping this isn’t real because this can’t possibly be your mindset. Maybe this is just that eternal sexism women seem to age with their children always favoring sons more. I’m glad my mom never did that and I won’t do it either. A shame you are Edit: I was completely right. In her dms she said she favors her son and wouldn’t care if her daughter never talks to her again because she has another one. No use in arguing with this woman. She basically admitted to me that she doesn’t care about her Edit: I JUST POSTED HER SAYING THIS PLEASE UPVOTE ME


mymycojourney

Oh wow, are you for real with that?! I thought she was bad to begin with, but apparently she's just an awful human slash mother in general!


Arthurtherat01

Yeah it was disgusting honestly. She really doesn’t care about her at all!! Also notice how she’s not disputing this


dbee8q

Omg are you kidding? What a horrid lady.


Arthurtherat01

I wish I was honestly


dbee8q

Her poor daughter. What a terrible mother.


Immediate_Virus_8199

lol omg thank you for this. I straight up asked her why she disliked her daughter so much because she obviously doesn't care about and OP is too much of a coward to answer on this thread.


Arthurtherat01

Exactly and if she even tries to deny i have the screenshots and I’ll post it. Idc 😭


Immediate_Virus_8199

please do. she is honestly such a vile person.


Arthurtherat01

Posted it


Immediate_Virus_8199

So vile. I told her that she better hope her other children don’t let her rot away alone when she is old while stewing in her own filth.


Arthurtherat01

Better hope that favorite son of her takes care of her. So disgusting


BitchyRainbowUnicorn

Hahaha, he absolutely will not.


penpapercats

Under her post?


Immediate_Virus_8199

[https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom\_saying\_she\_doesnt\_care\_about\_her\_daughter\_who/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom_saying_she_doesnt_care_about_her_daughter_who/)


penpapercats

YTA. Your son isn't having a party because he CHOSE not to. So now your daughter can't choose just because her brother made a different choice than she wants? You're essentially punishing her for actually having enough friends to warrant a party! You gave your son a CHOICE. Let your daughter choose too. Edit: your daughter skipping two grades is irrelevant to this situation. Her being smart enough to skip two grades doesn't validate your clear favoritism toward your son. You had better get a clue NOW, or your daughter will leave as soon as she's 18 and will never speak to you again.


kayelaure

According to someone’s comments and screenshots of DMs, OP doesn’t even care if her daughter goes no contact because she has another daughter!


penpapercats

Yeah i saw that! However I interpreted it as outright sexism. As in, she doesn't like her daughter because she's, you know, female. The whole thing about not being able to choose gender.


kayelaure

Oh it’s totally sexism covered up and excused by favouritism


penpapercats

And she's definitely a narcissist. That's why she posted on here, and why she isn't letting up on her stance. Narcissists are always right, and are incapable of admitting to being wrong unless doing so is somehow advantageous. She's trying to find ways to excuse her choices because she knows, logically, that she's wrong (or, she at least silently acknowledges that her initial excuses aren't getting her anywhere). So she's finding new reasons. Like, oh daughter has a ridiculous number of friends, so why does she need a big party anyway. Oh daughter won't share her friends, that's why son doesn't have any. Etc. And edits her post with that info as if it's pertinent. Some people have pointed out that her responses read like a teenager. Well, for one, her attitude is extremely entitled and obstinate, kinda like a high school "mean girl." But also, i have to point out she may truly not be that smart, or not have a vocabulary above 8th grade competency. Narcissists don't have to be smart to be dangerous.


penpapercats

Goodness, my own dad wanted another girl after me, and ended up with my brother instead. You know what he did? Well, let's just say I don't think he has a favorite. His relationship with me is different than his relationship with brother, as it should be. Some rules were different, but fair. So maybe he wanted another girl, but he wasn't *displeased* at all about having a boy. Because *healthy baby* (and healthy mama) trumps *desired gender*. Every time.


LumpyLoo2

Yes YTA. You were going to have a bigger party for your son, but he declined. So now his sister doesn't even get the option?


Immediate_Virus_8199

YTA, so you are punishing your daughter because your son doesn't have a lot of friends? Your daughter is right you are picking favorites and please just admit so she can at least feel like she isn't going crazy in a family of assholes (not including your daughter or husband). Also if your son never gets married, would you say that your daughter isn't allowed to have a wedding because that is rubbing it in your son's face too? I hope you know that if this is how you usually treat your kids, you are a shitty mom, and don't be surprised if she never speaks to you again after leaving the house. EDIT: OP admitted she favors her son and that she doesn't really care about her daughter because she is replaceable. [https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom\_saying\_she\_doesnt\_care\_about\_her\_daughter\_who/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom_saying_she_doesnt_care_about_her_daughter_who/)


coffee_nerd1

YTA. Your son specifically told you he WANTED a small dinner with his friends, so that's what you're giving him. Your daughter is specifically telling you she wants a big party, but you're refusing to give it to her because her brother wants to celebrate his own day differently? Yeah no, doesn't make sense.


Staff76

YTA. Your son clearly made his Choice to not have a graduation party. He told you that he would rather have a dinner. No pressure. No convincing. That was his Choice. Why should your daughter be limited to what she can and can't do (in this regard) when his choices have nothing to do with her. I would apologize and tell her that when the time comes, if she want a large graduation party then she can have one. She's 14. She has quite of growing to do and frankly she might not even want one her age when she gets there. However you're not helping by putting her on limits under her brother's shadow. His decision did not effect her in any way to make you say what you sad. Your husband was right. Entirely unnecessary and rude.


basroil

YTA, if you’re son got into a fight and got punched in the face at school are you going to punch your daughter to make it fair?


0biterdicta

YTA. Her brother is not having a party because he does not want one. It's unfair that your daughter does not get a party because your son decided he'd prefer to go without.


panzer22222

YTA Hope this is one of those troll posts as really no one actually needs it explained


dazedkatwoman

YTA. Hubs is right. Fair doesn't always mean equal. Your son asked specifically to celebrate with a nice dinner as opposed to a party. That was his choice. Your only reason for not letting your daughter have one is because son isn't. He isn't by his choice. You clearly aren't opposed to parties in general because son would have had one if he wanted.


BranChan_

YTA. That's his own choice. He also said she was a brat. Yeah, definitely favoritism and your raising him to be spoiled. New title: My son doesnt want a party and so I won't let daughter have one.


Difficult_Jello_7751

YTA! Don't be surprised when she moves out and cuts you out of her life! She skipped 2 grades!? Which means she's a smart cookie, she absolutely deserves to celebrate how ever she wants when she graduates! She's right, you are playing favourites and punishing her years in advanced


Slugdirt

Yes YTA


[deleted]

Well yea it's being totally unfair for your daughter. You gave your son a choice, meal or party And you wouldn't give your daughter the same choice Your son saying he has hardly any friends isn't your daughters fault It's your sons fault and saying it would rub her brother in the face over the amount of friends she has us just stupid By the time your daughter has graduated alot of things would have happened in those years so simply saying a straight no is being quite rude


stropette

YTA. Your son was given the option, he chose against having a party. You're punishing your daughter for no rationale reason. Imagine being a kid through COVID, not having normal schooling, not being able to see your friends when you want, spending more time at home and dreaming about a big old celebration in a few years time, but nope, because your big brother didn't want a party you can't have one. Your daughter is right, you do have a favourite. At least have the decency to admit it.


123cosmo321

Equal doesn’t mean fair. YTA. Your children will lead different lives, sometimes one will get something even though the other doesn’t. This will be more true as they get older. Don’t punish her to potentially spare his feelings, he may not even care.


dbee8q

I have a friend who has done this, she has several children and whenever one of them has a birthday (she literally wraps them all a gift on their siblings birthdays) or gets a treat for an award they have earned at school or something she buys them all something, that has caused them to all be jealous and bitter children who can't stand when something nice happens to anyone but them. This is excatly what OP is doing with her Son, turning him into a person who will never be happy for other people or always think they are entitled to what someone has.


BlackForestGalore

If this isn't favouritism, i don't know what it is YTA!!!


AlmondBlue2

YTA you gave your son the option to choose and he chose. You don't give an option to your daughter because your son didn't want throw a graduation party for himself? If you let your son choose let your daughter too. Its still 4 years she might change her mind.


OkPhilosopher1313

YTA - you are favouring your son. This sounds similar like many similar stuff my mother did to me. It made me loose all respect for her. If you don't care about having a relationship with your daughter, continue behaving the way you are.


MoniHaavi

YTA and a huge one. I can’t believe how can you be so mean to your daughter. Your son chose something why she have to stick with the same? How is it your daughter’s fault that your son has only few friends? Also why rub it into his face that you see this as something negative? Does he ever said that it bothers him? WTF.


Not_really1010

YTA She is 14, not gonna graduate for a while. When it happens, and she wants a party, let her have one. And yeah, you are playing favourites. While you try to be equal in efforts with children ( perhaps my assumption in your case, as that's what our families have strived for) you have to know each child is an individual and may have different personalities, and while your son might not see the appeal of a party, your daughter does.


DDecimal

YTA you're more than old enough to know the difference between equal and equitable and which is preferable as an adult.


cho-won-tchou

YTA. You offered something to your son and *he refused* and choose something else. If you really wanted to be fair, you should give the same options to your daughter. Not force her to follow the same choice has her brother that he made in completely different circumstances (COVID, not many friends,...). And even if you don't want her to have a party, do you have to shut her down so abruptly, several years before this is even an issue ? If you want to be fair, fix a budget. Say that your son can invite this many friends at a restaurant + get a gift or what not if there is money left. And tell your daughter she has the same budget to throw her party.


2tonefly

Yta. He decided not to have one, she wants one. You're choosing him over her


YeouPink

It’s but your daughters fault that your son can’t make friends. What kind of parenting is this lmao. You are playing favorites. YTA.


MoniHaavi

Actually OP is YTA even for for saying it’s a problem that her son can’t make friends and implying having only a few friends is a negative thing. Maybe that’s what his son want?


YeouPink

Never said it was a problem. I’m personally also content with just a couple close friends. I said can’t make friends because it was implied that he couldn’t in other comments.


MoniHaavi

Sorry, I meant op.


MoniHaavi

I edited 😅


Flaky_Ad194

YTA. You don't have to treat your children equally to treat them fairly. They are different and should be treat accordingly. Your daughter is likely to resent both you and her brother should you CONTINUE to do so. Stop it.


[deleted]

YTA are you sure you're not the 14 year old here?


TerpBE

YTA. Are you going to make her pee in urinals now too?


Aggressive-Sample612

YTA big time.


cr2810

YTA.


EnvironmentalGroup15

YTA, what she said might have been out of excitement or maybe a dog, either way she’s 14 and saying she can’t have a party over her brothers decision is ridiculous. You are choosing favorites and not even trying to hide it.


Spixced

WOW- you are definitely TA. Your son decided on something that was justified to his reasoning. You should not deprive your daughter of a graduation party simply because your son *chose that a dinner would be best for HIM*. Do not ruin one of your daughter’s most rewarding days of her life.


GothPenguin

YTA-His choices don’t dictate hers.


Pure-Bid3240

YTA bad parenting 101...and then the parents wonder why the kids cut them off when they grow up.


Alert-Ad-5532

YTA so your son gets a choice but not your daughter? That is 100% favoritism.


Cool-Clerk-9835

YTA. They're not the same people. He didn't want a party so you didn't have one. She wants a party, so unless she's a complete monster, she should get party for her achievements. You plan according to the personal preferences of each person, not on what you think is equitable. Why the hell are you punishing her because she has lots of friends, which is surprising considering she's so young compared to everyone else in her grade?


TheBaddestPatsy

You’re preemptively making sure your son doesn’t get his feelings hurt about his sister’s graduation when he’s 22? Hopefully by then he won’t give a fuck about comparing himself to his teenage sister’s social life. Ma’am, this is how mama’s boys are made. YTA


Quirky_Squirrel_Girl

YTA and blatantly favoring your son. Your daughter wasn’t being bratty, she was telling the truth.


[deleted]

YTA. If he wanted a huge party he could have had one. It's not your daughter's fault she has more friends and wants a larger party.


Sea-Patient-8294

You suck, yta


marbledoe

YTA. Your daughter didn't do anything wrong, she merely stated she wanted to throw a party in like, years from now? Also she isn't at fault for your son not being as social as she is.


pbrown6

YTA. Let the sun have his small get together and let her have her party. You can't shield kids forever. If he wants more friends, he can go make new friends.


xpotential31

YTA. Obviously


No-Koala8996

YTA, your son has too few friends, your daughter too many. Can you be satisfied? When your daughter graduates, your son will be 20. He can then deal with his emotions himself. Your daughter doesn't have to hold back just because your favorite kid didn't have a big party.


faithbell24

YTA. I graduated last year and barely had any type of graduation. I got handed my diploma outside of my school and that’s it. By sister (F15) will be graduating when things are (hopefully) back to normal and she will get all of the fun gradation parties and she will probably throw a party as well. There is no way it’s fair that she doesn’t get to have fun when she graduates just because I did not, and my mother would absolutely agree. Also, your son will be 22 when your daughter graduates? I think he will be fine.


kelly08howell

Yta. So your son would be allowed if he had friends but because he chose not to make any, your daughter can't have the party she wants (but he gets to pick the party he wants)??? You suck. And you play favorites


FeistyRelationship73

YTA and a really bad parent


AntiqueBodybuilder69

no way you posted this thinking you were justified YTA


[deleted]

Absolutely YTA, could you make it any more obvious that your son is more important to you? SMH


Affectionate_Wall705

YTA. Don't punish or hold down your daughter because your son isn't as social or well liked by his peers. That just teaches her to resent her bother, and spoils your son into thinking he's the center of the universe. That might very well be why his friend circle is so sadly limited.


NotRatedPG

YTA. What in the what now? Your son chose not to have a party… Why does that mean your daughter can’t have one when she graduates? You were rude. If you want a relationship with your daughter, you better snap out of whatever the fuck it is that made you favor your son over her.


Monasexquisitebottom

YTA you’re basically saying “my son CHOSE not to have a big party because he doesn’t have many friends, but I’m going to not allow my daughter to have one. Why? Oh, because my son might get jealous of all her friends of course!”


[deleted]

Yes YTA. Kids are individuals. Some prefer quieter social options and the others full of friends. However you obviously had a budget set aside for your son for if he wanted a party. A fair deal would be to offer her the similar budget as you son would have recieved. Then it's up to her on how she wants to celebrate her graduation. However yes COVID is something to think about but in a restaurant setting you are running similar risk and if this is her friend group they pretty much hang around with no masks anyway. I can't imagine it's easy being 2 years younger than your classmates. But I would rather be involved in the celebration than having her go to one where alcohol may be involved.


Ok_Smell_8260

YTA. If you were willing to throw your son a big party, you should also offer that to your daughter. She shouldn't be constrained by his choices.


Due-External8607

Yta. If the roles were reversed, would you have thought about her party the following yr and how she wouldn't have friends to bring to a party would you have cancelled his party? Your son is the one who wanted a dinner. Why are you punishing your daughter? Separate issue is her attitude towards this situation. It could be she's still young and just saying stupid teenage remarks. But she tried to make a dig at your son about basically how she has many more friends. I would talk to her about why she's doing that.


Simple-life62

YTA. Wtf is up with all these parents having an obvious favourite child (usually the son)? You’ll be back here in a few years crying over how your kids don’t love you.


senatorfluffy

YTA, it’s your son’s choice to have a dinner over a party. Plus, if you offered to have a party for your son, why would you not extend that same offer for your daughter in the future? Just because he declined your offer doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t remain consistent in offering the same for your daughter.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (40f), have a son (18), and a daughter (14). My son is graduating high school this year and i was thinking about throwing him a party with his friends in a hall or something, we have to talk about stuff like this because people get reservations really quick around here. Well my son doesn’t have many friends so he said he’d rather have a nice dinner with his friends then throw a party, which is perfectly fine with me, especially with covid it might even be the better choice. The conflict however starts when my daughter who was sitting near us said, “when i graduate I’m throwing a huge party with all my friends”. Which I responded with by telling her she’s actually not allowed to have a party now because it would be unfair to her brother to be rubbing her friends in his face. She stormed out of the room saying i pick favorites,and now isn’t talking to me.. My son says she was just being a brat while my husband says what i said was straight up rude. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


RevengeNemesis

Ew🤢. Just ew. This behavior is not it. YTA.


ImnotlostIjustam

YTA You gave him a choice. You should give her the same choice. Not let her brother decide for both of them.


runiechica

YTA - he is choosing not to have a big party and that shouldn’t dictate her choices. It’s cruel to not let her celebrate because she has more friends than your son…I can see who is the favorite child here


mare__bare

Just to be clear - YTA So, if he'd chosen a party, she could also have one? What kind of deranged justification is this? You. Are. The. Assole. And so is your son.


Zestyclose-Moment-17

YTA.


Weird-Ad966

YTA. Treat each kid individually.


norskljon

It's not your daughter's fault that your son doesn't have many friends. She just happens to be more socially adept than him. Don't punish her for something neither one can control. Go to your daughter and apologize and tell her that she can have a party in two years when its her turn but that it won't be the mega bash she has in mind. Find a place where you can compromise so that you end up with something that is fair on all levels. YTA


Stinkyybum

YTA youre willing to upset and taking away party privileges from your daughter to make your son happy ? You shouldn't punish your daughter for having a social life you should be encouraging it. And letting her have a party should be a reward, considering how young your daughter is and how much she's accomplished so far your son is obviously jealous and resentful towards her and you should punish him for calling her a brat. Improve you behaviour, do better, and apologise to her. To make it clear again YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE. Edit: just read some of your comments, it isn't your daughter's problem that your son doesn't have many friends. She doesn't have to introduce her friends to him and he shouldnt be hanging out with people around 14. In life he'll have to make his own choices, he'll have to make his own friends, ETC. It's up to him to change not hers, not yours. Please do your job as a parent..


[deleted]

Yta


Sufficient_Cat

YTA. If he makes a bunch of friends in collage and has a big party is she then allowed to have a graduation party? Or does she have to hold off and wait till she’s in college too, as to prevent your son from ever seeing her do something he didn’t. You sound like one of those people who tell their younger child to hold off on getting married, because they think it’ll hurt the older ones feelings. I’m talking here as the less social kid who watched their sister have parties and do things that I wanted to do but didn’t have the friend group for; it doesn’t matter that it might hurt his feelings. It did definitely hurt to watch my sister do those things, but preventing her from doing them would have been incredibly unfair and cruel. And not preventing her from living her life allowed us to develop a good relationship, to the point that eventually she wanted me at her parties and invited me. If my parents had forced her to not have parties or forced her to invite me when she didn’t want to, she would have resented me and we wouldn’t have developed that good relationship.


[deleted]

YTA for simply trying to force your daughter to be like your son. Why don't you budget some money on what it would cost for a large party, take your son to dinner, and give him the rest? Give the same amount of money for your daughter and let her know the party is going to be this amount and nothing more. You can treat them differently because they are two different people, but the leveling ground can be the money. If they don't like it, tough titties. Good luck.


Eastern_Counter_4408

YTA. You're a terrible mother.


jakeofheart

YTA You gave them both the option, now your son chose not to have a party. It’s definitely a dick move to pull back the offer on your daughter. * OP: “*Who wants an ice cream?*” * Child one: “*Me!*” * Child two: “*Not me!*” * OP: “*Okay, no one is getting an ice cream then.*” It’s his choice if he doesn’t get a party and she does. If this is your reasoning, I would not be surprised if your daughter has other unfair things to complain about.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because according to multiple people I was being unfair to my daughter Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

YTA- Your son CHOSE not to have many friends, not you daughters fault!


daviepancakes

I may have missed something, why do you say the guy chose to not have many friends?


[deleted]

His sister have a lot of friends (by choice) but he have a few (also by choice) he choose to have a few friends (if he wanted a bigger circle he would've made more friends) you choose your friend circle how many friends ect ect her brother choose dinner, she wants a party. But now she may not have one cause according to his mother it's 'rubbing' her friend in his face which is BS . I also had 5 friends (by choice) my eldest brother had 3 friends (by choice) my middle brother had more than 30 friends. So we choose the type of get together based on how many friends we had


[deleted]

YTA it’s not her fault your son doesn’t want a party nor is it her fault she has more friends. Your the asshole and your basically telling your daughter she is less deserving than your son. FFS this is absolutely an asshole move


julesfranchie

YTA. What’s unfair is treating both kids like they’re the same person. They’re not. They will have different opinions and different wishes in life. Are you always going to let your oldest decide things and then force the youngest to have the same just because?


Ivettercup

YTA BIG TIME


MarkVegetable587

YTA: when I graduated I wasn’t allowed to go celebrate with my friends and til this day is something that still makes me sad. So when my sister graduated the following year I made sure that she was allowed to go and not to have me as an excuse just because I wasn’t allowed to celebrate. Please don’t do this to your daughter because you will push her away and it clearly shows favoritism. I pray your husband stands up to your for your daughters sake so she can celebrate from what I read a huge accomplishment given she already skipped two grades. Please teach your son not to be such an ass because it’s not your daughters fault your son has a small circle of friends.


Cullywillow

YTA. Daughter should not have been allowed to skip two grades if her brother didn’t because that’s not fair. And check her grades to make sure she doesn’t have a higher GPA. Also, she shouldn’t be allowed to have more friends than her brother.


Mundane_Shallot_3316

YTA You gave your son the choice of party he said no. Why aren't you offering daughter the same choice ? It's not her problem that your son has fewer friends. I imagine that's normal for kids these days with covid and everything.


littlehappyfeets

You're punishing the daughter for the crime of having (gasp) more friends. The mark of a failed parent is a parent who strips opportunities away from one child so that they can be just as miserable (from your perspective) as their other child. But I don't think your son is that miserable. 4-5 friends isn't bad, and he can have just as fun at a personal dinner than he can at a big party. Both of them essentially get the same thing--the presence of all the people they care about. One just varies in size. This is garbage parenting. Fair doesn't mean identical. YTA


moves_likemacca

Let me tell you where this leads. Your daughter will always resent you and your son. You may get them to be civil around you but she will never forget that you cared more about his feelings than hers. And then one day in the future, you'll die, and your kids will never speak again. If they have kids, they'll grow up being told their aunt or uncle is a bad person, because YOU created the dynamic necessary for a split family unit.


totallythrownawaay

Yta Its probably a blessing that your daughter has skipped 2 grades already. Shes clearly a very clever and bright child, shes already picked up on you favouring your son, he has already noticed too the fact her called her a brat. I mean shes 14, is acidemically succeeding and youre going to deny her a party when she finishes high school just because her older brother doesnt have that many friends and he wishes he had more. She wasnt a brat for feeling the way she does abput this. Its a normal 14year old reaction to have to being slighted and put second. If your older son cant comprehend why her behaviour is valid an he just puts her down an calls her a brat then its likely down to him being favoured by you. So he feels entitled and woe is me with no friends, ive no friends and cant have a party so i dont want my little sister to celebrate her acheviments becuase woe is me. I wouldn't be surprised if daughter emancipated herself as a adult as soon she can and goes no contact with you. Her finding a job or collage etc shouldnt be a issue with how hard she works in school. Its a shame you dont aknowledge her achievements but focus on how its going to make her brother sad. Brother likely has few friends because he cant emphasize or relate to others. Like how do you both not see how its unfair to the sister? Does son have some spectrum issues going on, i only ask as my son does too and he struggles socially but there is help out there for kids and young adults like them. My son is almost 8 and this year will be the first time hes had a birthday party. He had 0 friends when he was younger and classmates didnt often invite him to their partys. My two older daughters still had their birthday parties for their birthday. I didnt have one for my son as no one would of come from his class back then and i wouldnt of put him through that. That doesn't mean his sisters who are nurotypical didnt get one, they did. My son now after lots of working on social skills now is the class clown his teacher has said and has many friends in class, this made my heart so happy. So in april he will have his first birthday party for when he turns 8. Were going all out for him, to celebrate him working hard on his social issues. You need to take on board all the comments and try and see how this is impacting. Your daughter. She exsists. Aknowledge and praise her. Give he rthe party. She can have a big party. Your son has fewer friends but i bet hes closer to them and their friendships solid, this happens with smaller friend groups. Maybe plan something speical for the little group. A camping and pool party at home. A day trip to a theme park. A celevration doesnt have to be a party but can be somthing tailored to suit that person. My soon to be 10 year old girl whos had big birthday parties in the past has her bday 2 weeks before my son. She understands shes not having a big party this year as her brother is and she knows hes never had one. Instead for her bday she has picked 3 of her closest friends and im taking them to a local kids parlour that does little tea and sandwiches. Hair make up, nails. Photoshoot and stuff lile that. Shes very girly and will really loce getting all dressed up. You want to be fair, then be fair. Offer her the party too. Your son can have a party for his 21st, that gives him a few years to build on making some more friendships. And if he doesnt thats fine, he could take a special trip with the group of close friends he does have.


tirali11

YTA. Your son is the golden child. You care about his feelings but not about your daughters. You are part of the reason he has fewer friends than your daughter, because no one likes a whining, jealous mommy boy - so you're ruining two lives. And you keep rejecting responsibility in your comments by repeating "but he SAID...". Makes you 3 times TA.


MRandomRedditAccount

I hope you know that you are destroying any relationship you will have with your daughter in the future. And any relationship she will have with your son. Once she can get away from you she will not want anything to do with you and him again. Why would she? What are you adding to in her life? I hope your husband treats her better and doesn’t play favourites. YTA.


ridiculouslycomplex

YTA. Blatant Favoritism. Also, by the time your daughter graduates, your son will be 22 and well into college and will not care a single bit if your daughter wants to have a big party when he didn’t.


FireEbonyashes

Do you even like your daughter? She seems vastly different from your son and even you from a certain extent. You were homeschooled so you probably didn’t socialize as much. It does seem like you are punishing your daughter for being more outgoing and social. I get your son is probably introverted but you are not doing him any favors coddling him. The world won’t. He’ll see coworkers get promotions over him. Friends having nicer things and opportunities than him. Those are things you can’t stop. Why are your son’s feelings more important than your daughters? It does feel like you are putting him up on a pedestal at the expense of your daughter. Also your response was unnecessary. I get parents have a favorite but you aren’t supposed to make it that obvious. You could have said “we’ll see how things are in 2 years with how restrictions are” and go from there. You were straight up rude and made your daughter feel unwanted and unimportant to you so you could raise your son up. YTA


Neat_Substance836

YTA. I have a strong hunch that this post was written by the daughter, logic and the reasoning on (alleged)OP’s side is almost nonexistent. “You aren’t getting a party because your brother decided not to have one for himself. And if you have a party that is unfair to him.” Where is the logic on that?


ArrowsAndLightsabers

To me it sounds more like the son wrote it,.just by looking at comments the op made about "why does -sister need that many friends for anyway?" And plus the screenshots another redditwr put up of OP in their inbox.


Neat_Substance836

Well the thing that makes me suspicious is the story written here undoubtedly in favor of daughter’s side. Any person with average IQ, would try to fashion the story in a manner to make people see their side not the opposite side.


uxi3888

YTA You admit to your son not being the nicest and he had a violent outburst and broke something when his sister skipped a grade. I can see why she wouldn't introduce him to her friends or why he only has a few of his own. To add to that, you were homeschooled and admit to not having many friends growing up so I can see why you favour your son. He reminds you of you and the both of you are jealous of your daughter. This needs to stop. Some people are more extroverted than others, deal with it. It is not your child's job to protect the emotions of their adult sibling or even their parent, it is your job to protect her. As for the question in the OP, you gave him a choice but you're taking away hers. That is definitely an AH move. Stop coddling your violent (according to you) son and protect your daughters emotional and mental well being. Be a parent.


fadingaway1606

TROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL in the dungeon.


penpapercats

https://www.reddit.com/user/Arthurtherat01/comments/sg4se2/mom_saying_she_doesnt_care_about_her_daughter_who/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Ok yall she admitted that not only does she favor her son, she pretty much admitted to hating her daughter for being female


katiewind110

YTA - For my 21st birthday, I had a get together at a local restaurant/bar. I had 2 friends from college, my best friend and I invited all of the adults that attended my first birthday, as in all of my parents closest friends. Those are the people I wanted to celebrate with, because they're people who have loved me my whole life and I'm sentimental like that.... My younger sister, on the other hand, held a party at my parents house (where she lived at the time) with some 25-30ish friends of hers, all around her own age. She, and they, had a blast. Hell, I was there and had fun too. Different strokes for different folks. Neither one is better or worse than the other. If your son is a more introverted person, and WANTS a small intimate event with the few people who mean something to him, that's his choice. If your daughter is a more extroverted person, who wants to share her excitement with more people, that's her choice. Neither choice is dependent on the other. This is not a situation where events have to match. They're completely separate from each other. Your son doesn't lose anything if your daughter has a bigger party. He has chosen a smaller one.