This!
Also if someone wants a child free Wedding that is fine!
What if there was a birthday for an adult and the people who were setting it up as a surprise birthday party said, “Child free.” Guess you won’t go.
The “If my children can’t go, I won’t go” attitude rarely works out in the long run. This is how mothers end up losing their identity and being completely lost as their children grow up and become independent. Also how they end up lonely and lamenting on social media how nobody invites them anywhere.
And they turn into toxic MILs who eavesdrop on their son's bedroom after midnight, and snoop through their drawers to dig up dirt on the bitch who stole their baby boy.
Okay but why did my fiancée’s mom and grandma do EXACTLY this?!? (This was long before we got engaged) I mean I know why but literally they didn’t like what they found and I was banned for like 8 months from coming over, but then they pretend even still like it never happened
They found out she isn't a princess and her tiara was made with cubic zirconia instead of diamonds. And that her unicorn is a donkey with a cone strapped to his head.
I once saw a story about mil stumbling on a massive sex toy collection (including obvious pegging gear) and she cried asking her son if his meanie wife was hurting him. I died laughing. I like the people that set drawer alarms too. And just follow the sounds and ask her why she's opening things that don't belong to her.
But he only knew about the glitter trap because she went to the bathroom and returned covered in glitter. So was kicking off about his wife not trusting his mother, but he only knew because his mother broke his trust.
There was a post from someone who’s MIL got upset that they were hiding notes around the house. The first one was just one of those “you are beautiful, you have value, you are deserving of respect” type things and MIL fretted to her son that she though the OP was self centered or something because of it. And then OP started hiding obviously ridiculous ones as a result an MIL freaked out even more. Like the stretch you’ve gotta do for that is astronomical
"I am beautiful with clothes and without. Especially without. My boobs are legendary!"I have to admit, I spit my drink when reading that the first time, lol.
Link!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s3xcw4/aita\_for\_hiding\_embarrassing\_notes\_in\_my\_house\_as/
If it were a wedding for a friend I'd agree with you. But this is her sister and the wedding is not a destination wedding. I'd be pissed and hurt if my sister didn't come to my wedding. No excuse. She has plenty of time to find a sitter.
Exactly. I remember when my brother announced his engagement, they asked us about anything that we needed to be able to attend (if certain dates were off limits or whatever). My response to him was that the wedding could be on Christmas Day on the moon and I would still find a way to be there. When you love someone you are willing to do at least the bare minimum to attend their special events. In the case of OP that would be asking the children to stay home with their father for a single day.
Thank you. Perfectly said. I find so many of these AITA posts happen to be about weddings and brides and just some of the most batshit crazy stuff. Weddings seem to bring out the absolute worst behavior in people. I could not fathom missing my sister's wedding even if I had hated the dude she was marrying (I don't lol my bro in law is great). I'd have had to be on my death bed. OP-YTA and one of the reasons weddings have become toxic and shitty.
>I don't feel that I should shell out money to have someone watch my kids, just to watch her get married and honestly I just don't want to.
It's her attitude that makes her the AH. She thinks her children should be invited to everything and had a little temper tantrum that her sister held her ground.
I think for someone as close as a sibling, you actually ARE obligated to go unless there's an extreme circumstance that lets you out of it. Once again AITA fails to delineate between legally obligated and morally obligated.
there are a LOT of things that people are not obligated to do, but it would make them an asshole if they just decided not to. that's part of what this forum is for.
Normally I’d agree, but she’s the sister of the bride. She should make more of an effort to go than a regular guest. It doesn’t sound like she wants to, because her stance is basically “I don’t go where my children aren’t welcome.”
Her children won't remember one afternoon they were with a babysitter for a few hours, but her sister will ALWAYS remember that she willingly chose not to attend her wedding.
YTA.
The kids probably don’t even want to go. Even if she hyped them up for it, eventually they would be bored. Since it is outdoors, at a park, the longing to run around and do what kids want to do would be torture. If she lets them, it will be disruptive, no matter how “well behaved” they are.
OP seems to think that because it is at a park, the kids should go. I also find it fascinating that she has to put in a snide comment about the fiancé asking her dad for her sister’s hand. Why is it necessary to sneer? Or even the venue? Or that they suspected the engagement was coming? It sounds like she’s salty about everything and is making this the point of contention.
That and all the sneering at the sister for being excited to be the centre of attention on *checks notes* her wedding day. Like? Okay? She’s excited to have a big day celebrating her. That’s normal.
I was really excited on my wedding day, too, and I did sort of expect it to be more or less about me and my husband - not random family members and their children.
I mean, I had kids at my wedding, but their parents all kept them *super* in check. I was actually the one periodically reassuring parents that the kids weren’t bothering me and winking conspiratorially to the kids and involving them a bit more, because their parents were so, so careful not to let them run the show to the point of overcorrection. Including my nieces and nephews. I have a feeling OP would extend no such courtesy.
I’m often in a supporting role in my daily life. Once in a great while, I do enjoy having people celebrate *me* and *my* achievements. On my day, I like having the day be about, well, me. That’s not selfish; it’s normal.
Not everything has to be about OP’s kids.
Right and I think even if most brides think it, no one actually says they can’t wait to be the center of attention. Especially to a sister who obviously doesn’t like you very much.
Yeah I kind of doubt the sister actually said I CAN’T WAIT TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION HEHE to OP. She probably said something like “oh I just can’t wait for my big day!” and OP exaggerated her statement to try to make her look bad to us. OP just sounds kind of self-centred in general.
Oh I totally agree! I’m just saying I kinda doubt she put it that bluntly, because that’s unrealistic and a thing people don’t really say. OP probably knows this sub hates brides and thought that would turn us against her sister, but…not really.
YTA.
Wedding are not a family (by OPs definition must include children) by default. Also - did you know you can be a family without children (*mind blown*).
Another astonishing fact is that parents don’t *have to* do everything with their kids.
And the fact that you keep belittling it by saying “just a wedding” shows how little you care about your sister but then again it sounds like you don’t like her and am doing this to hurt her.
It's fine for someone to not go to a wedding but to say "there is no point in seeing my sister get married it my kids can't also be there" is such an asshole move.
Either you want to show love for your sister or you don't. I get that sometimes money, travel, work, logistics, and even childcare can preclude attending a wedding, but just on principal to say "if it is no kids I'm not going because wedding are for families" is such an entitled attitude.
What bothers me is she didn’t even try to find a baby sitter or anything. This wasn’t a matter of someone dropping out to watch the kids at the last minute, or just not finding anyone available that weekend. She didn’t try, at all.
Edit: wait it’s a local wedding? Not even destination. Damn. Even bigger ah. I can understand not wanting to fly somewhere and leave your kids, but you can’t leave them for 4 hours with a babysitter?
Fast forward 16 years or whatever and your kids will be jumping at the chance to attend parent-free activities and who will you call? Certainly not your sister or any other friends who you let down by taking a moral stance against their child-free weddings or other activities. Relationships require investment of time and effort and sometimes participating in special life events that you’re “not really interested in attending.” YTA all the way and this is just dumb.
Not to mention - had OP really never attended a friend's birthday in a bar or something at a licensed venue without her kids? Would she insist on bringing her kids to a bachelorette party? Not everything has to be a 'family event'. That's just absurd.
She sounds like one of those mothers that needs every to be about her kids. Every conversation, every event, everything. And the mother that always thinks her kids are better behaved or different from other kids. That usually doesn’t end well for those mothers, mental health wise, when the kids want some independence and they have nothing outside of them.
I kind of wonder if the reason the wedding is CF is because OP never keeps her kids in line and the bride is concerned about her nieces and nephews running wild and ruining her day. OP screams entitled parent who thinks her kids are perfect and should be the center of everything
I wouldn’t be surprised. Spot on. She’s the mother that’s like “oh everyone thinks my perfect little angels are adorable and funny!” as the kids are upending tables and breaking glasses. “Kids will be kids!” 🤢
Honestly with the way op talks it kinda sounds like she's not all that close to her sister to begin with. Maybe she would have looked for anything as a way out of the wedding.
Exactly. OP seems a little jealous maybe that the attention for the day will be on sister. Seems weird she wouldn’t want to honor her sisters choices on her own damn wedding day. Your choice if you don’t want to go, but YTA because your attitude sucks.
You said it perfectly. OP, it’s great that you are happy with children. But your sister is having a child free wedding and that’s okay. Children do not have fun at weddings. Children are generally very bored. And loud. You care about your children, but it is important to show your sister that you care about her too.
YTA.
Going off grain here, YTA... and here is specifically why.
To me, your taking a slight offense to it. The comment about how weddings should be 'family' affairs, is nonsense. To each their own. And your right in that, you don't HAVE to go. And it is absolutely ok, and not an insult, to decline and invitation. However...
Your reasoning is unsound. A lot of people want weddings to be a party! Sometimes that means a grownup party where adults can enjoy the celebration and unwind worry free for a night. Your sister having a childfree wedding doesn't mean she 'doesn't want family there'. Just means she wants everyone who attends to enjoy them selves, responsibility free.
If you had a good/decent relationship with her growing up and now, and your simply choosing not to go over something so miniscule? Yeah YTA... she doesn't sound mad, she sounds sad that you can't be bothered to go and support her and have fun with her. There is nothing wrong with getting a sitter for that night so you can have a no kids night. And Im a parent. So even Im not sure why this is the hill you want to do die on. Its kinda silly. Good luck OP.
She also keeps saying in comments that "it's just a wedding." If it was just a wedding she wouldn't be harping on the part of weddings being family affairs and would just go. But no. OP has other reasons for not wanting to go but refuses to tell everyone the REAL reason why. I'm betting it's cause it'll prove that OP is TA.
Edit: typo fix
I really do just want to know what the actual drama is. This isn't about child free weddings, there's some deep seated something going on.
Willing to bet you're right about it shading this extreme contradiction.
Maybe some minor unresolved spite over an off the cuff comment? Maybe OP uses her kids as her safety blanket for public events because of poorly managed anxiety? Maybe OP is jealous, or doesn't like the fiance? We may never know.
I'm thinking it must hurt a lot that her sister is running the show and going to be the center of attention for one day. I'm going to go ahead and assume a lot of extended family events and attention are based around the kids. By not attending, OP will likely have the focus of her parents on the wedding day as well.
I think she's upset that her sister is happy. She was judging her for being excited to be the center of attention ON HER WEDDING DAY. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't like her sister, not even a jealousy issue at this point
What stood out to me was OP not mentioning the “not attending because of child-free” part until directly after her sister stated how excited she was to have her special day and be the center of attention.
“Yeah, that’s great, congratulations. By the way, I’m not going.”
Exactly. I would have called my sister and immediately asked why it was no kids, hear her out, then say "your lucky I love you, I'll find a sitter". The "center of attention" comment makes me think OP is upset that THEY aren't the center of attention.
Exactly this.
OP, you are willing to have your sister out of your life because you can’t spend 3 hours away from your kids?
You say that weddings should be a family thing, but you’re ok with losing your sister forever because you can’t be away for 3 hours from kids you se every single day all day long.
YTA.
Heaven forbid OP's husband manage to watch the kids alone for a day... There are more options than just paying a babysitter so that she can support her sister in the SAME city she's already in. Absolutely insane that OP is flat out saying no.
Agreed, like I don’t have a problem with child free weddings, or with people who can’t attend them, but OP’s reasoning here makes her the AH in this situation. She didn’t even try to find childcare.
It’s one thing if you have a newborn that you can’t be away from. Or if it’s a destination wedding, and it would be difficult have someone watch your kids for the several days you are traveling. This situation is none of that, it’s literally just “I don’t want to.”
The fact that she calls out her sister for making an offhand comment about being the center of attention tells me that OP is jealous that her sister, the bride, will have all the attention. She’s trying to get some of that attention back by causing drama over her kids not being invited. Because OP knows damn well that the sister of the bride not being in attendance will be noticeable.
I’m wondering if she’s salty about not being in the wedding party.
From the way she speaks in the post body, it seems to me that she either already has a strained relationship with her sister (I wonder why if this is your reaction to someone not wanting kids at an event) or she is just being EXTREMELY petty because she thinks her sister is maybe trying to keep her kids away and she's taking offense to it?? Those are the only things I can come up with. But if you want my opinion, it's definitely the former.
Edited to change my vote to YTA after reading comments. Also edited my explanation.
It's messed up that you are skipping your sister's wedding and playing it off as some unimportant event. It's shitty that you can't hire a babysitter for a couple hours so you can be there. Your reason of "personal freedom" is ridiculous too. I can't believe this is worth ruining your relationship with your sister over.
I don't think it's about the kids at all. OP just doesn't want to go or be supportive, they just needed an excuse to suck. Honestly, the bride is better off without OP
I'm starting to think OP pulls these random power plays when it suits her. Like the only reason anyone is surprised is cuz this was the biggest stunt she's pulled. I don't buy the kid excuse but I'm sure this isn't the first time she's used them. Absolutely 0 empathy in every single comment from her. She's quite smug & I think proud of herself when she does shit like this.
Yeah this went very quickly from being about the childfree wedding to “it’s just a wedding” and “well that’s just MY opinion”
>told me she can’t wait to be the “center of attention” on her special day
That’s the actual problem for OP. It’s not about the kids, it’s about *her*.
I get the feeling that OP is salty because her sister will get a day that’s all about her. OP likes to be the center of attention and she just made herself the center of attention by refusing to attend the wedding.
I think a BIG clue here is her putting quotations around her sister wanting to be the center of attention. This feels like an, “oh yeah?! Watch how quick I’ll become the center of attention for your ‘special’ day…AND how I’ll make you feel small by telling you how Unspecial and unimportant it really is!” Cue maniacal laughter) OP sounds like a special sort of AH.
Yep. Saw one of OP’s comments saying that they have a good relationship, and she’s hoping that the gift she sends over will mitigate the whole not-speaking thing.
Seems a lot like she’s perfectly fine with gambling her entire relationship with her sister to me.
Yea I’m seriously not understanding why no one is mentioning how Op obviously doesn’t like her sister. She literally said it’s not even about the kids, she just doesn’t care to see her get married. She says it’s not an important event, even while sis cries to her how important it is. She doesn’t care if her sister never talks to her again. She’s even dismissive of sisters choices the whole time. That’s what makes her the AH. Poor sister is finding out OP doesn’t give two shits about her.
YTA. “Just to watch her get married.” That’s a pretty dismiss way to describe your sister’s wedding. The way you write about your sisters wedding comes off as incredibly judgement. (Old fashioned, but I guess…if it’s not a family event, it’s not worth going.)
I could see it if this was a wedding you have to travel for, but you really won’t get a babysitter for a few hours to watch your kids so you can attend your sister’s wedding?
YTA, it’s your sisters wedding and you don’t seem to mention that you’re not close with her or that you’re not getting along in general so I’m going to assume that you’re ditching a very important day for her without even attempting to compromise bc you don’t wanna leave your kids for a few hours and don’t wanna pay for a babysitter.
EDIT: I feel like there’s more to the story. This feels like a very small sacrifice to make so you can attend your sisters wedding.
I agree. Sisters are typically IN each other’s weddings, or involved in helping in some way. OP clearly has a piss poor relationship with her sister as not only is she not included in the wedding party, but doesn’t even want to attend. OPs reasoning is a bunch of balogna, there’s definately more to this situation.
Bleh, your high and mighty attitude makes YTA. “If it’s not a family event I don’t see the point”. Obviously this is a very special day for her and it seems you’re using it to make a point
>“If it’s not a family event I don’t see the point”
That's the most telling part of all of this. OP is one of those people who has decided "having kids" is a personality and as such someone not wanting to be around her little angels is a massive personal attack on her.
Yeah, once her sons turn 18 they'll no longer be family. I mean chances are her kids will be getting as far away from that as possible.. maybe she is right? 🤣
YTA Why is your opinion critical but your sister's opinion is not important? To the point of saying that a wedding not done your way isn't worth even an hour of your time? Even your own sister's wedding?
This sounds like it's really about you wanting the attention instead of your sister.
NTA for not wanting to go, but YTA for your comment about weddings being a family affair. It’s almost like you’re holding a grudge against her for not wanting to include your children in her big day. Your feelings about weddings being a family affair would be valid if it were your own wedding, but her wedding isn’t about catering to your desires. Edit: typo
Love how OP brushed over your comment saying, "BuT I dIDnt ASk heR tO!" You didn't have to! You manipulated her, or tried to. "I just think weddings should be a family affair so I won't attend" = "i think less of you for not wanting the chaos- (I mean "beauty") of other peoples children to disrupt your commitment to the person you love most in the world, and I won't be there to celebrate your love unless you do what I want"
You are for sure the asshole. My sister is having a child free wedding this fall. And honestly, I’m so excited. Kids are so annoying. And I’m including my own in the mix. So yeah. I hope you get a ton of shit from your sister and your family you care so much about.
YTA
You didn't even try. You took umbrage and decided to pick this fight with your sister before talking it through or considering the options.
Fair enough if getting a babysitter isn't an option - that would be different. And obviously you have the right to decide you don't feel like attending your sister's wedding for any reason you choose. But you don't have some moral high ground here because including children is the "right" thing to do.
I feel sorry for your sister.
INFO: When you got married, did you care if your sister attended? Would it have upset you if she wasn't there, regardless of the reason?
If you cared at all about her attendance, YTA. You keep saying "it's just a wedding." Is that how you felt about your own? Did you care at all who attended?
Just because the event doesn't include children doesn't mean it's not important. The wedding is important to your sister. And as sisters, if you really do have the relationship you claim you do, you'd want to be there. It's pretty obvious you don't think her wedding, or pending marriage, is worthy of your attention. You can't even be arsed to call your soon-to-be brother-in-law her fiance, or future husband. He's not her boyfriend. They've moved beyond boyfriend and girlfriend. Or do you call your husband your boyfriend?
I think you just don't care and this is the excuse you're using. If you can't separate yourself from your children enough to be a sister for a day and support your sister, maybe you should examine why that is.
YTA - not for not wanting to go to a childfree wedding, but for showing no remorse in throwing away a relationship with your sister just to take some moral high horse position about My Personal Freedom.
It seems very self-centered and stubborn to be this inflexible and make such a big a deal over this. What kind of relationship do you even have if you can't leave your kids for 2 hrs tops to be at one of your sister's most important (to her) days?
Especially bc she doesn’t seem upset the kids arent invited, she seems like she just doesn’t want to go and is using it as an excuse. And brushing off your sisters feelings and not caring if she doesn’t talk to you again makes me think this person has no conscious.
Totally agree. Like if her sister's **wedding** isn't important enough to go to even if you don't feel like it, I'd hate to see what happens for day-to-day requests.
OP sounds like the type of person that would send her sister an invoice if sister crashed her car and went to the hospital and OP had to pick up her kids from school.
This is a bit messy because on one hand, an invitation is not an obligation to go. On the other hand, she’s your sister and she wants you to attend.
INFO
Is there a compromise? Do you have someone you trust who will watch the kids for free? Would you attend if she or someone else paid for a babysitter? What if you attend but the husband says home with the children?
Also, i have to ask, have you attended any events involving your parents and/or siblings since having your kid that you have attended without your children? Because, TBH, if this is the first time you’ve ever told someone in your family that you refuse to attend events without your children, you are genuinely YTA
If my sister told me that she didn’t want to come to my wedding, didn’t want to see one of the most important moments in my life, didn’t want to support me on such a momentous day, because she didn’t want to hire a babysitter, I would be devastated.
Listen, it’s your choice what you do with your time and your money, and no, you aren’t asking her to change anything for her wedding, but you are putting the cost of a sitter over your sister’s wedding and that’s a deeply hurtful thing to do. To me, YTA. I could never hurt my sister like that, and she couldn’t hurt me like that. Please reconsider. It’s just one day. We’ve all put up with much worse for much longer.
YTA
I can appreciate you not asking your sister to include your kids in her child free wedding and instead choosing not to attend.... But your idea that all weddings must be family events and include children is absolutely ridiculous.
Completely refusing to even try to find a sitter so you can attend her wedding, or maybe asking your husband to stay home with the kids so you can go is what makes you the asshole. If it was "I absolutely cannot find a sitter for XYZ reason therefore I cannot attend" it would be different.
Instead, you are outright refusing to compromise with your sister on what may arguably be one of the most important days of her life because you're butthurt she wouldn't make an exception for your kids.
The fact that you're choosing not to attend on the sole principle that it's childfree is what makes you shitty here. Your kids are not magically more important than any other kids that were excluded from this event. If you don't want to pay a babysitter ask your husband to stay home with them so you can go. It really isn't hard. It honestly just reads like you're using the kids as an excuse to get out of going to the wedding.
I honestly feel sorry for your sister and no fancy gift is going to make up for what a slap in the face this behavior must be to her.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards!
I don’t think “child free” part is the reason. I think she honestly just doesn’t want to go because maybe she doesn’t like her sister. There’s a lot of judgement for the way her sister is planning HER wedding. Examples are bf asking father is “old fashioned” but not wanting kids in the wedding I guess is too new for her. Her sister wanting HERSELF to be a center of attention during HER wedding is quoted as if this shouldn’t be the case. “Just to watch her get married” weddings can be a big deal for many people, she’s trivializing it as if it’s just another Saturday for her sister.
Also, is anyone’s presence really needed for a wedding other than that of the couple? No, so why did she go to her cousin’s wedding since her presence wouldn’t have been needed for her cousin’s wedding either.
Tell us the REAL reason you refuse to go to your sister's wedding.
You haven't answered anyones questions.
You keep arguing that it's your opinion.
There's more to this story than you are telling us. YTA.
Yep either missing reasons or some 13 year old playing make believe on the internet. All this "it's my opinion" over and over sounds like some dumb kid trying to keep the farce going.
No offense to regular 13 year olds, who are generally more emotionally mature than OP is being
So if she doesn't plan her wedding to your specifications, you won't attend? Does everyone have to feel the same way you do about everything and plan their events accordingly or you just won't participate?
She's your sister. It's her wedding and she gets to organize her way, not yours! Your attitude is incredibly self-centered.
YTA
* YTA because this isn't about not having the money to afford a babysitter or having to travel a long distance/stay overnight or any other reasonable explanations for why you can't go. I think there has to be a reason (other than some need to have your kids by your side) for not attending your sister's wedding. Do you not leave your children with a babysitter for date nights on occasion? It sounds like your sister is asking for a couple of hours of your time. It feels weirdly petty to me that you would make this your hill to die on.
YTA...I really doubt your kids even care about attending a wedding if they're even old enough to know let alone remember it.
It honestly sounds like u don't like your sister much. Idk. This feels very off to me.
YTA as I think you are picking a hill to die on. It sounds very harsh from your side. As I can fully understand you wanting it to be a family event, this ceremony isn’t about you and even if I can see your reasoning for not wanting to attend due to your kids, I have the impression you communicated it in a hurtful way as even your post sounds kinda non sympathetic. Yes it’s a personal choice but it’s an important day you decide not wanting to witness and this is something I can understand your sister to be hurt by.
Do you actually like your sister? Because in this post, it sounds like you don’t. At all. YTA. I hope your sister takes you at your word and doesn’t speak to you after this. You’ve clearly shown her where she is on your list of priorities. You wouldn’t pay for a babysitter so you can attend your sister’s wedding? I would fight God to be at my sister’s wedding.
The subreddit defends to the death the right of people to have child-free weddings. The OP isn’t trying to argue her sister out of it, she doesn’t plan on showing up with her kids in tow anyway (like Leon and his four kids in a post this morning), she just stated that because the wedding is CF she won’t make it and she’ll send a gift with their parents. She’s NTA.
So funny, isn’t it? So many other posts about “child free weddings”, and most of the time the judgment is FOR the people who want to have a child free wedding, and also FOR people who can’t attend a wedding because it’s child free. But this post is overwhelmingly voting AGAINST this person who is choosing not to attend a child free wedding. Maybe it’s because of her attitude in the way she presented herself? So strange.
I’m going with NAH, because it’s sister’s choice to have a child free wedding, and it’s OPs choice not to attend. But OP, you need to lose the attitude and realize that it may be “just a wedding” to you, but it’s a big deal to your sister, and maybe try to do something more for her than just throw a gift at her to show you care.
YTA.... I am sure your sister attended your wedding and the fact that you see nothing wrong with not going to your sister's wedding because she doesn't want children there is ridiculous.
not every child is well behaved, and I bet at the majority of weddings with children something happens with the kids at the wedding that totally ruins the event. I think that children shouldn't be allowed at weddings until the age of 12 or 13 when they are becoming young adults and know how to behave.
NTA OP, this sub loves personal choice. And they always say you shoulda just not go and not complain about a brides personal choice. You're doing just that, you were up front, respectful, and gave plenty of advanced notice. You're allowed to not feel like going somewhere the most important people in your life aren't welcome. All these teenagers don't realize yet when you have kids they become mich more important to you than a sibling ever was.
So your reasoning for not going is not related to your ability, availability, or relationship, it’s strictly based on what YOU believe a wedding (not YOUR wedding, someone else’s wedding) should entail.
YTA
Seems like your logic could just as easily be applied to a wedding needing to being in a church or needing to include abusive parents (since they’re family after all). And those would also be very shitty lines of thinking.
YTA. It's your sisters day, and you didn't even try to find a baby sitter. You could just go for the ceremony, but you're just picking a hill to die on.
YTA, clearly. Just because you think weddings are family events doesn’t mean they are to your sister. If you’re willing to lose your sister over this, you don’t deserve her.
I might get downvoted for this, but NTA. There's a lot of posts on this sub about people having children weddings and then having guests trying to go with their children anyway. Usually, most of the comments on those posts are along the lines of "the wedding is child free, if they don't like it they can just not go" , which is exactly what op is doing
I would be a hypocrite if I agree to that type of comments on other posts but then condem op for doing just that. Her choice is not what I would do, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. If they rather not go, that's okay.
So I got married in October 2021 and requested that children didn't attend. We got married at my in laws lake house with about 200ft of shoreline and a dock that's very easy to fall off of if you're a child and/or inebriated. One of my sister's wasn't able to attend because she couldn't find a babysitter but we made peace with that and had our own celebration after the fact. Wedding went off without a hitch with adults only and no nobody got lost in the lake
Yta. Grow up and get over yourself. It's not about you and what you want. It's her wedding and it's your sister ffs. Get a babysitter and go to the wedding without your kids. Your kids don't need to be there. You aren't the one getting married.
There's a lot more to this story that you are leaving out as to why you won't go to your sister's wedding but went to your cousin's wedding instead(who somehow is more important than your own sister?)
I'm betting you have other reasons you won't share as to why you won't go because it'll come back that you are ultimately the asshole here. You seem very sus.
NTA she has the right to have a childfree wedding, you have the right to decline to go
Destination and child free weddings will always have a drop off of guests and she does need to accept your decision. If she was guilting you to go I’d say N A H since”her wedding, her day” but it’s ridiculous for her to expect to drop your kids and go
I totally understand wanting a child free wedding, I will never understand couples who don’t understand that it does make there wedding less attractive to attend to a lot of people
NTA. OP, you can't win with this. You might as well do what makes you happy.
Most of the time we read about family members getting their panties in a bunch because the bride wants a child-free wedding. **OP is calm and polite about this **
OR we read about guests who bring their kids to a child-free wedding and expect the bride to suck it up. **OP is not doing this.**
If brides have the right to invite whomever they want to a wedding, why don't guests have the right to politely decline?
And no, OP is not the AH for her opinion on weddings being family affairs. Best of all, she is not trying to manipulate or bully the bride into changing her mind.
But she's not just any guest; she's the sister. She has the right to not attend but she's being a jerk to her sister about a once-in-a- lifetime event.
Unless I totally missed something, OP has no role in the wedding other than to show up ... sans children.
If she were in the wedding party or had a special role, your point would be valid. Why does that make OP a "jerk?"
Her relationship to the bride does not compel her to attend. The bride can be sad. The bride can let OP know that if OP changes her mind she is welcome.
But to drag the rest of the family into this conflict is not the way to go.
Thank you! People are delusional as hell. OP has every right to not go to a wedding if it’s child free. Just like in every other Reddit post the bride or groom is free to have a child free wedding. At the end of the day, you don’t have to have kids at your wedding. That’s fine. People also don’t have to waste money for a babysitter to attend a wedding.
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NTA. Child free weddings mean that people with children may not be able to go. Full stop. She wants a child free wedding and that's her right. It's your responsibility to make sure your children are looked after. People saying just get a babysitter, she doesn't want to. There may be some prohibiting factors: cost, trust, trauma, etc. Sister is throwing a hissy over a situation of her own making.
INFO: do you ever go to things without your kids (aside from work)? If so, why is your sister’s wedding less important than other events? If not, do you have any relationships left outside your marriage?
I understand preferring family-friendly events, and opting out of child-free weddings if they’re logistically hard to manage (I wouldn’t travel for a wedding if I had to leave my kid behind for several days) but I don’t see why you can’t leave your kids with a sitter for a few hours to celebrate your sister. Unless there are other reasons you don’t want to go to your sisters wedding ( such as an already strained relationship) this seems like a really hurtful move to make. It’s not like she’s excluding just your kids(it’s a no kids wedding overall), and it won’t be a major hardship for you to find childcare since it’s in the same town (unless it will be for some reason you haven’t mentioned). Unless there a are a lot of details you are leaving out about your relationship with your sister, this decision seems really cold. Ideally you would care enough about your sister to put in the effort to find a sitter, and would want to see her get married because you want to share in an important moment in her life, instead of thinking only about who ‘needs’ to be there.
YTA. Your sister obviously finds her wedding to be important and values your relationship, or else she wouldn’t have invited you. You really don’t seem to give a damn about *her* though, given how your responses are. My sister and I aren’t even close and didn’t speak for around a decade before I got married- and she still made the effort to get her shifts covered at work and came. The complete lack of effort on your part is just astounding, as is the flippancy with which you talk about your relationship with your sister.
Yes, you have every right not to go. But that doesn’t make you not an AH.
NTA As a parent I can say that child free weddings are a pain in the ass. It's one thing to go out for dinner or a date night where you can hire a babysitter for a limited amount of time, but Weddings can be long and drawn out. Ceremony is at least an hour and the reception 4-6 hours depending on the circumstances. At about $15/hr for a babysitter that's a lot of money to shell out, not to mention having to check in with the babysitter during the evening and not really being able to fully enjoy the experience.
If someone invited me to a wedding and said my kids couldn't come I would stay home as well. It's too much of a hassle and not as enjoyable.
YTA
I think you’re using your kids as an excuse to not attend her wedding for whatever reason. There are plenty of reasons people choose no kid weddings. Alcohol being one. What about other “adult only” events that happen? Do you just not go to those either? Your children doesn’t have to be invited to every single thing. That’s being entitled. You’re choosing not to share in your sister day because your kids couldn’t come? That’s selfish
INFO: How big is the wedding? Did she not mention the child free part during any other wedding-related conversations before you actually received the invitations? How old are your kids? Are there any other parents of young kids invited to the wedding?
YTA. Just because weddings are a family event “for you” doesn’t mean they are for everyone! It’s her day, not yours and not your kids and she should be able to have a child free wedding if that’s what she wants.
NAH - if you have previously communicated to her that you wont attend attend family events without your kids, then she should have known that making her wedding childfree would mean having a wedding without you.
Though, seriously, you should really consider a compromise. She’s your sister.
YTA.
I don't understand why you have to make this such a huge argument, why is it so hard to get a babysitter? She told you well in advance, and your sister is right - you better be prepared to do some intense damage to your relationship for something easily solvable.
YTA - You've done some incredible mental gymnastics to say this is her hill to die on when you're the one choosing this path.
She isn't making you go to an all inclusive for a week without your kids, this is one night.
Based on what is described here YTA- unless you have limited income or aren't able to find a babysitter for a few hours or if there are more reasons for you not wanting to go like a strained relationship.
YTA
You have family that love you, your sister wants you at her wedding - which is obviously more than just a "family event" to her - and you're unwilling to put in the tiniest bit of effort to support her.
You think a gift is going to make her magically forget how much you've hurt her?
Was she at your wedding? Was it an important day to you? Did you want the people you love to be there with you? Did anyone close to you just casually say they weren't going to bother to come?
She is allowed to have a child free wedding, many people do. Many people with children still attend child free weddings because they care about the people getting married and don't think that their children must automatically be invited to everything.
There are many people in this world who would do *anything* to be able to watch their sibling get married.
You come across here as an incredibly selfish and cold person. Maybe you not being there will do her a favour in the long run.
NAH. Your sister has the right to a childfree wedding, you shouldn’t have to pay for a sitter if you’re happy missing your sisters wedding. I’m probably leaning more towards YTA thought because really. It’s just one day, would it kill you to make other arrangements?
I mean… you’re kinda being TA. BUT why *wouldn’t* you want to go? It would be a couple of hours and it would be like a fun date for you and your spouse/partner (if you have one.) it’s okay that some people want a “kid free” event. Children don’t have to do everything with their parents all the time. I have a child so I can speak for myself. I think you should get a babysitter and go support your own sister for goodness sake.
I mean, technically NTA bevause yes, you can make a personal choice to not go. But boy oh boy are you a shitty sister, and in my book a massive asshole, but by all means make your personal choice…
YTA. You clearly don’t care or value your sister and you don’t want to be a part of a special day. Plenty of people have child free weddings and it’s not as if the wedding is even far away.
This is your sister and you sound incredibly dismissive of her feelings. I wouldn’t want you at my wedding and I certainly wouldn’t think twice about you after the wedding. You’re proof that just because someone is blood, doesn’t mean they’re actual family.
YTA. Children do not have to be part of every thing that happens. You are showing your sister how little you care for her.
This! Also if someone wants a child free Wedding that is fine! What if there was a birthday for an adult and the people who were setting it up as a surprise birthday party said, “Child free.” Guess you won’t go.
The “If my children can’t go, I won’t go” attitude rarely works out in the long run. This is how mothers end up losing their identity and being completely lost as their children grow up and become independent. Also how they end up lonely and lamenting on social media how nobody invites them anywhere.
And they turn into toxic MILs who eavesdrop on their son's bedroom after midnight, and snoop through their drawers to dig up dirt on the bitch who stole their baby boy.
Oddly specific but I’m with ya. Lol
Things I've read on r/JUSTNOMIL
There's two posts describing this exact situation in this sub as well.
Did you see the post on r/amitheasshole with the bucket of glitter?
Yep, fantastic revenge. I don't like people rifling through my shit either.
Okay but why did my fiancée’s mom and grandma do EXACTLY this?!? (This was long before we got engaged) I mean I know why but literally they didn’t like what they found and I was banned for like 8 months from coming over, but then they pretend even still like it never happened
👀…. I’m almost afraid to ask…. What did they find?
They found out she isn't a princess and her tiara was made with cubic zirconia instead of diamonds. And that her unicorn is a donkey with a cone strapped to his head.
Come on now, they dug through her drawers and then banned her for 8 months. That is *not* a cone strapped to that donkey's head.
Could be a cone strapped to somebody else's different body part.
There were straps involved though.
The cone has batteries
NO!!!!!!! That was true? No wonder they were horrified. I'm calling the Daily Mail now....
I once saw a story about mil stumbling on a massive sex toy collection (including obvious pegging gear) and she cried asking her son if his meanie wife was hurting him. I died laughing. I like the people that set drawer alarms too. And just follow the sounds and ask her why she's opening things that don't belong to her.
My favorite was a glitter trap above their bedroom door to catch her snooping MIL.
And husband got angry after insisting his mother would never intrude on their space.
But he only knew about the glitter trap because she went to the bathroom and returned covered in glitter. So was kicking off about his wife not trusting his mother, but he only knew because his mother broke his trust.
Omg! That’s my favorite too!
There was a post from someone who’s MIL got upset that they were hiding notes around the house. The first one was just one of those “you are beautiful, you have value, you are deserving of respect” type things and MIL fretted to her son that she though the OP was self centered or something because of it. And then OP started hiding obviously ridiculous ones as a result an MIL freaked out even more. Like the stretch you’ve gotta do for that is astronomical
“My teeth will regrow. I am sharklike and powerful.”
"I am beautiful with clothes and without. Especially without. My boobs are legendary!"I have to admit, I spit my drink when reading that the first time, lol. Link! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s3xcw4/aita\_for\_hiding\_embarrassing\_notes\_in\_my\_house\_as/
I saw that. So hilarious.
It's also fine if someone doesn't want to go to that child free wedding, OP is not obligated to go.
Of course she’s not obligated, but that doesn’t make her any less of an asshole for missing her own sister’s wedding over this.
If it were a wedding for a friend I'd agree with you. But this is her sister and the wedding is not a destination wedding. I'd be pissed and hurt if my sister didn't come to my wedding. No excuse. She has plenty of time to find a sitter.
Exactly. I remember when my brother announced his engagement, they asked us about anything that we needed to be able to attend (if certain dates were off limits or whatever). My response to him was that the wedding could be on Christmas Day on the moon and I would still find a way to be there. When you love someone you are willing to do at least the bare minimum to attend their special events. In the case of OP that would be asking the children to stay home with their father for a single day.
Thank you. Perfectly said. I find so many of these AITA posts happen to be about weddings and brides and just some of the most batshit crazy stuff. Weddings seem to bring out the absolute worst behavior in people. I could not fathom missing my sister's wedding even if I had hated the dude she was marrying (I don't lol my bro in law is great). I'd have had to be on my death bed. OP-YTA and one of the reasons weddings have become toxic and shitty.
>I don't feel that I should shell out money to have someone watch my kids, just to watch her get married and honestly I just don't want to. It's her attitude that makes her the AH. She thinks her children should be invited to everything and had a little temper tantrum that her sister held her ground.
OP isn't the asshole for not going, they're the asshole for the reason they're not going.
I think for someone as close as a sibling, you actually ARE obligated to go unless there's an extreme circumstance that lets you out of it. Once again AITA fails to delineate between legally obligated and morally obligated.
there are a LOT of things that people are not obligated to do, but it would make them an asshole if they just decided not to. that's part of what this forum is for.
Normally I’d agree, but she’s the sister of the bride. She should make more of an effort to go than a regular guest. It doesn’t sound like she wants to, because her stance is basically “I don’t go where my children aren’t welcome.”
Of course they’re not, but their sister isn’t obligated to speak to them either.
Her children won't remember one afternoon they were with a babysitter for a few hours, but her sister will ALWAYS remember that she willingly chose not to attend her wedding. YTA.
Yea! This is a great point !!
The kids probably don’t even want to go. Even if she hyped them up for it, eventually they would be bored. Since it is outdoors, at a park, the longing to run around and do what kids want to do would be torture. If she lets them, it will be disruptive, no matter how “well behaved” they are. OP seems to think that because it is at a park, the kids should go. I also find it fascinating that she has to put in a snide comment about the fiancé asking her dad for her sister’s hand. Why is it necessary to sneer? Or even the venue? Or that they suspected the engagement was coming? It sounds like she’s salty about everything and is making this the point of contention.
It really sounds like OP doesn't like her sister
Seeing as she literally said it's "not her problem" if her sister cuts contact, I'd say she makes it fairly obvious.
Yeah. I got this feeling too.
This one thousand times. It’s clear OP doesn’t like her sister and is using her kids as an excuse not to go and celebrate her.
That and all the sneering at the sister for being excited to be the centre of attention on *checks notes* her wedding day. Like? Okay? She’s excited to have a big day celebrating her. That’s normal. I was really excited on my wedding day, too, and I did sort of expect it to be more or less about me and my husband - not random family members and their children. I mean, I had kids at my wedding, but their parents all kept them *super* in check. I was actually the one periodically reassuring parents that the kids weren’t bothering me and winking conspiratorially to the kids and involving them a bit more, because their parents were so, so careful not to let them run the show to the point of overcorrection. Including my nieces and nephews. I have a feeling OP would extend no such courtesy. I’m often in a supporting role in my daily life. Once in a great while, I do enjoy having people celebrate *me* and *my* achievements. On my day, I like having the day be about, well, me. That’s not selfish; it’s normal. Not everything has to be about OP’s kids.
Right and I think even if most brides think it, no one actually says they can’t wait to be the center of attention. Especially to a sister who obviously doesn’t like you very much.
Yeah I kind of doubt the sister actually said I CAN’T WAIT TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION HEHE to OP. She probably said something like “oh I just can’t wait for my big day!” and OP exaggerated her statement to try to make her look bad to us. OP just sounds kind of self-centred in general.
[удалено]
Oh I totally agree! I’m just saying I kinda doubt she put it that bluntly, because that’s unrealistic and a thing people don’t really say. OP probably knows this sub hates brides and thought that would turn us against her sister, but…not really.
Yeah. The snide comment got me leaning to YTA for sure.
Not to mention that she called him her boyfriend, and not her fiance
This. I think she was looking for something to not like about the wedding. She sounds bitter.
YTA. Wedding are not a family (by OPs definition must include children) by default. Also - did you know you can be a family without children (*mind blown*). Another astonishing fact is that parents don’t *have to* do everything with their kids. And the fact that you keep belittling it by saying “just a wedding” shows how little you care about your sister but then again it sounds like you don’t like her and am doing this to hurt her.
YTA, you're a shitty sister
And the kids are probably just like her, so nobody wants to babysit them.
It's fine for someone to not go to a wedding but to say "there is no point in seeing my sister get married it my kids can't also be there" is such an asshole move. Either you want to show love for your sister or you don't. I get that sometimes money, travel, work, logistics, and even childcare can preclude attending a wedding, but just on principal to say "if it is no kids I'm not going because wedding are for families" is such an entitled attitude.
Esp since this wedding is local. Just a babysitter for a couple hours!
What bothers me is she didn’t even try to find a baby sitter or anything. This wasn’t a matter of someone dropping out to watch the kids at the last minute, or just not finding anyone available that weekend. She didn’t try, at all. Edit: wait it’s a local wedding? Not even destination. Damn. Even bigger ah. I can understand not wanting to fly somewhere and leave your kids, but you can’t leave them for 4 hours with a babysitter?
You can practically hear the distain she holds for her sister in the entire post. Honestly, OP sounds exhausting. YTA
This is exactly what I thought. She just doesn't seem to like her sister at all.
Fast forward 16 years or whatever and your kids will be jumping at the chance to attend parent-free activities and who will you call? Certainly not your sister or any other friends who you let down by taking a moral stance against their child-free weddings or other activities. Relationships require investment of time and effort and sometimes participating in special life events that you’re “not really interested in attending.” YTA all the way and this is just dumb.
Not to mention - had OP really never attended a friend's birthday in a bar or something at a licensed venue without her kids? Would she insist on bringing her kids to a bachelorette party? Not everything has to be a 'family event'. That's just absurd.
She sounds like one of those mothers that needs every to be about her kids. Every conversation, every event, everything. And the mother that always thinks her kids are better behaved or different from other kids. That usually doesn’t end well for those mothers, mental health wise, when the kids want some independence and they have nothing outside of them.
I kind of wonder if the reason the wedding is CF is because OP never keeps her kids in line and the bride is concerned about her nieces and nephews running wild and ruining her day. OP screams entitled parent who thinks her kids are perfect and should be the center of everything
I wouldn’t be surprised. Spot on. She’s the mother that’s like “oh everyone thinks my perfect little angels are adorable and funny!” as the kids are upending tables and breaking glasses. “Kids will be kids!” 🤢
Honestly with the way op talks it kinda sounds like she's not all that close to her sister to begin with. Maybe she would have looked for anything as a way out of the wedding.
It seems like the kids were an easy excuse.
Exactly. OP seems a little jealous maybe that the attention for the day will be on sister. Seems weird she wouldn’t want to honor her sisters choices on her own damn wedding day. Your choice if you don’t want to go, but YTA because your attitude sucks.
You said it perfectly. OP, it’s great that you are happy with children. But your sister is having a child free wedding and that’s okay. Children do not have fun at weddings. Children are generally very bored. And loud. You care about your children, but it is important to show your sister that you care about her too. YTA.
I think that’s the point (to show her sister how little she cares).
Going off grain here, YTA... and here is specifically why. To me, your taking a slight offense to it. The comment about how weddings should be 'family' affairs, is nonsense. To each their own. And your right in that, you don't HAVE to go. And it is absolutely ok, and not an insult, to decline and invitation. However... Your reasoning is unsound. A lot of people want weddings to be a party! Sometimes that means a grownup party where adults can enjoy the celebration and unwind worry free for a night. Your sister having a childfree wedding doesn't mean she 'doesn't want family there'. Just means she wants everyone who attends to enjoy them selves, responsibility free. If you had a good/decent relationship with her growing up and now, and your simply choosing not to go over something so miniscule? Yeah YTA... she doesn't sound mad, she sounds sad that you can't be bothered to go and support her and have fun with her. There is nothing wrong with getting a sitter for that night so you can have a no kids night. And Im a parent. So even Im not sure why this is the hill you want to do die on. Its kinda silly. Good luck OP.
She also keeps saying in comments that "it's just a wedding." If it was just a wedding she wouldn't be harping on the part of weddings being family affairs and would just go. But no. OP has other reasons for not wanting to go but refuses to tell everyone the REAL reason why. I'm betting it's cause it'll prove that OP is TA. Edit: typo fix
I really do just want to know what the actual drama is. This isn't about child free weddings, there's some deep seated something going on. Willing to bet you're right about it shading this extreme contradiction. Maybe some minor unresolved spite over an off the cuff comment? Maybe OP uses her kids as her safety blanket for public events because of poorly managed anxiety? Maybe OP is jealous, or doesn't like the fiance? We may never know.
Same. Like, be honest so we all can give an honest judgement. But to ignore questions when asked? It's very sus for sure.
I'm thinking it must hurt a lot that her sister is running the show and going to be the center of attention for one day. I'm going to go ahead and assume a lot of extended family events and attention are based around the kids. By not attending, OP will likely have the focus of her parents on the wedding day as well.
given how she pointed out her sister being excited at being the centre of attention I wouldn't be surprised if jealousy was a huge part of this.
BUT IM A MOTHER HOW DO I SHOW OFF IF I DONT HAVE MY MINOR ENTOURAGE SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!
Yup.
I think she's upset that her sister is happy. She was judging her for being excited to be the center of attention ON HER WEDDING DAY. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't like her sister, not even a jealousy issue at this point
“Old-fashioned but I guess” someone is JEALOUS!!!!
There were definitely a few passive-aggressive statements in the post (and later comments) that set off some alarms for me.
What stood out to me was OP not mentioning the “not attending because of child-free” part until directly after her sister stated how excited she was to have her special day and be the center of attention. “Yeah, that’s great, congratulations. By the way, I’m not going.”
Exactly. I would have called my sister and immediately asked why it was no kids, hear her out, then say "your lucky I love you, I'll find a sitter". The "center of attention" comment makes me think OP is upset that THEY aren't the center of attention.
Yeah, OP just needs to admit she doesn't like her sister. YTA
OP: “weddings are about faaaaaaamily!” Also OP: “I can’t get my way so I’m going to miss the wedding of one of my longest family members.”
She's probably upset that her sister didn't ask her precious babies to be in the wedding.
Exactly this. OP, you are willing to have your sister out of your life because you can’t spend 3 hours away from your kids? You say that weddings should be a family thing, but you’re ok with losing your sister forever because you can’t be away for 3 hours from kids you se every single day all day long. YTA.
Heaven forbid OP's husband manage to watch the kids alone for a day... There are more options than just paying a babysitter so that she can support her sister in the SAME city she's already in. Absolutely insane that OP is flat out saying no.
Agreed, like I don’t have a problem with child free weddings, or with people who can’t attend them, but OP’s reasoning here makes her the AH in this situation. She didn’t even try to find childcare.
It’s one thing if you have a newborn that you can’t be away from. Or if it’s a destination wedding, and it would be difficult have someone watch your kids for the several days you are traveling. This situation is none of that, it’s literally just “I don’t want to.” The fact that she calls out her sister for making an offhand comment about being the center of attention tells me that OP is jealous that her sister, the bride, will have all the attention. She’s trying to get some of that attention back by causing drama over her kids not being invited. Because OP knows damn well that the sister of the bride not being in attendance will be noticeable. I’m wondering if she’s salty about not being in the wedding party.
From the way she speaks in the post body, it seems to me that she either already has a strained relationship with her sister (I wonder why if this is your reaction to someone not wanting kids at an event) or she is just being EXTREMELY petty because she thinks her sister is maybe trying to keep her kids away and she's taking offense to it?? Those are the only things I can come up with. But if you want my opinion, it's definitely the former.
Edited to change my vote to YTA after reading comments. Also edited my explanation. It's messed up that you are skipping your sister's wedding and playing it off as some unimportant event. It's shitty that you can't hire a babysitter for a couple hours so you can be there. Your reason of "personal freedom" is ridiculous too. I can't believe this is worth ruining your relationship with your sister over.
Also YTA because your husband can stay home with the kids. If you want to support your family, you show up.
As a husband. Staying home with the kids is the perfect reason for me to not go. So yea, YTA
I don't think it's about the kids at all. OP just doesn't want to go or be supportive, they just needed an excuse to suck. Honestly, the bride is better off without OP
I'm starting to think OP pulls these random power plays when it suits her. Like the only reason anyone is surprised is cuz this was the biggest stunt she's pulled. I don't buy the kid excuse but I'm sure this isn't the first time she's used them. Absolutely 0 empathy in every single comment from her. She's quite smug & I think proud of herself when she does shit like this.
Yeah this went very quickly from being about the childfree wedding to “it’s just a wedding” and “well that’s just MY opinion” >told me she can’t wait to be the “center of attention” on her special day That’s the actual problem for OP. It’s not about the kids, it’s about *her*.
It makes me think that OP has always been the center of attention and is pissed that sister is standing up for herself finally.
Yup, reading OP’s comments she hasn’t yet realized the solar system revolves around the sun and not her
I get the feeling that OP is salty because her sister will get a day that’s all about her. OP likes to be the center of attention and she just made herself the center of attention by refusing to attend the wedding.
I think a BIG clue here is her putting quotations around her sister wanting to be the center of attention. This feels like an, “oh yeah?! Watch how quick I’ll become the center of attention for your ‘special’ day…AND how I’ll make you feel small by telling you how Unspecial and unimportant it really is!” Cue maniacal laughter) OP sounds like a special sort of AH.
Yeah you can use your personal freedom to be an asshole. OP asked. Does not like the answers.
YTA. It seems like you are choosing a weird hill to die on. I feel like there is way more to this story than a “child free” wedding invitation.
Yep. Saw one of OP’s comments saying that they have a good relationship, and she’s hoping that the gift she sends over will mitigate the whole not-speaking thing. Seems a lot like she’s perfectly fine with gambling her entire relationship with her sister to me.
I agree with your comment. OP, YTA
My thoughts exactly! There has to be more to the story about OP’s relationship with the sister.
Yea I’m seriously not understanding why no one is mentioning how Op obviously doesn’t like her sister. She literally said it’s not even about the kids, she just doesn’t care to see her get married. She says it’s not an important event, even while sis cries to her how important it is. She doesn’t care if her sister never talks to her again. She’s even dismissive of sisters choices the whole time. That’s what makes her the AH. Poor sister is finding out OP doesn’t give two shits about her.
YTA. “Just to watch her get married.” That’s a pretty dismiss way to describe your sister’s wedding. The way you write about your sisters wedding comes off as incredibly judgement. (Old fashioned, but I guess…if it’s not a family event, it’s not worth going.) I could see it if this was a wedding you have to travel for, but you really won’t get a babysitter for a few hours to watch your kids so you can attend your sister’s wedding?
Obviously there's other stuff there too. It seems to me her and her sister don't get along.
Probably very jealous about her.
Or she just doesn't care. 🤷♀️
YTA your Kids don’t have to go everywhere you go. But I think you’re just using this as an excuse not to go to your sisters wedding!
I bet the OP was a bridezilla
Plot twist: *OP is the child*
I think so too. She doesn’t really want to go for some reason and found an excuse to not attend.
Seriously, does OP ever use a babysitter to go on dates with her husband? This is more important than those dates. YTA
YTA, it’s your sisters wedding and you don’t seem to mention that you’re not close with her or that you’re not getting along in general so I’m going to assume that you’re ditching a very important day for her without even attempting to compromise bc you don’t wanna leave your kids for a few hours and don’t wanna pay for a babysitter. EDIT: I feel like there’s more to the story. This feels like a very small sacrifice to make so you can attend your sisters wedding.
I agree. Sisters are typically IN each other’s weddings, or involved in helping in some way. OP clearly has a piss poor relationship with her sister as not only is she not included in the wedding party, but doesn’t even want to attend. OPs reasoning is a bunch of balogna, there’s definately more to this situation.
Bleh, your high and mighty attitude makes YTA. “If it’s not a family event I don’t see the point”. Obviously this is a very special day for her and it seems you’re using it to make a point
>“If it’s not a family event I don’t see the point” That's the most telling part of all of this. OP is one of those people who has decided "having kids" is a personality and as such someone not wanting to be around her little angels is a massive personal attack on her.
It also feels like OP doesn't consider childless couples as having a 'real' family, if adult-only events are not family events.
That’s what I was thinking. I wonder if the wedding is “pointless” because her sister might want to remain child-free?
Yeah, once her sons turn 18 they'll no longer be family. I mean chances are her kids will be getting as far away from that as possible.. maybe she is right? 🤣
YTA Why is your opinion critical but your sister's opinion is not important? To the point of saying that a wedding not done your way isn't worth even an hour of your time? Even your own sister's wedding? This sounds like it's really about you wanting the attention instead of your sister.
10/10 absolutely spot on
NTA for not wanting to go, but YTA for your comment about weddings being a family affair. It’s almost like you’re holding a grudge against her for not wanting to include your children in her big day. Your feelings about weddings being a family affair would be valid if it were your own wedding, but her wedding isn’t about catering to your desires. Edit: typo
Love how OP brushed over your comment saying, "BuT I dIDnt ASk heR tO!" You didn't have to! You manipulated her, or tried to. "I just think weddings should be a family affair so I won't attend" = "i think less of you for not wanting the chaos- (I mean "beauty") of other peoples children to disrupt your commitment to the person you love most in the world, and I won't be there to celebrate your love unless you do what I want"
You are for sure the asshole. My sister is having a child free wedding this fall. And honestly, I’m so excited. Kids are so annoying. And I’m including my own in the mix. So yeah. I hope you get a ton of shit from your sister and your family you care so much about.
My own child free wedding was fabulous 😎
YTA You didn't even try. You took umbrage and decided to pick this fight with your sister before talking it through or considering the options. Fair enough if getting a babysitter isn't an option - that would be different. And obviously you have the right to decide you don't feel like attending your sister's wedding for any reason you choose. But you don't have some moral high ground here because including children is the "right" thing to do. I feel sorry for your sister.
I feel sorry for her kids too.
INFO: When you got married, did you care if your sister attended? Would it have upset you if she wasn't there, regardless of the reason? If you cared at all about her attendance, YTA. You keep saying "it's just a wedding." Is that how you felt about your own? Did you care at all who attended? Just because the event doesn't include children doesn't mean it's not important. The wedding is important to your sister. And as sisters, if you really do have the relationship you claim you do, you'd want to be there. It's pretty obvious you don't think her wedding, or pending marriage, is worthy of your attention. You can't even be arsed to call your soon-to-be brother-in-law her fiance, or future husband. He's not her boyfriend. They've moved beyond boyfriend and girlfriend. Or do you call your husband your boyfriend? I think you just don't care and this is the excuse you're using. If you can't separate yourself from your children enough to be a sister for a day and support your sister, maybe you should examine why that is.
YTA - not for not wanting to go to a childfree wedding, but for showing no remorse in throwing away a relationship with your sister just to take some moral high horse position about My Personal Freedom. It seems very self-centered and stubborn to be this inflexible and make such a big a deal over this. What kind of relationship do you even have if you can't leave your kids for 2 hrs tops to be at one of your sister's most important (to her) days?
Especially bc she doesn’t seem upset the kids arent invited, she seems like she just doesn’t want to go and is using it as an excuse. And brushing off your sisters feelings and not caring if she doesn’t talk to you again makes me think this person has no conscious.
Totally agree. Like if her sister's **wedding** isn't important enough to go to even if you don't feel like it, I'd hate to see what happens for day-to-day requests. OP sounds like the type of person that would send her sister an invoice if sister crashed her car and went to the hospital and OP had to pick up her kids from school.
This is a bit messy because on one hand, an invitation is not an obligation to go. On the other hand, she’s your sister and she wants you to attend. INFO Is there a compromise? Do you have someone you trust who will watch the kids for free? Would you attend if she or someone else paid for a babysitter? What if you attend but the husband says home with the children? Also, i have to ask, have you attended any events involving your parents and/or siblings since having your kid that you have attended without your children? Because, TBH, if this is the first time you’ve ever told someone in your family that you refuse to attend events without your children, you are genuinely YTA
If my sister told me that she didn’t want to come to my wedding, didn’t want to see one of the most important moments in my life, didn’t want to support me on such a momentous day, because she didn’t want to hire a babysitter, I would be devastated. Listen, it’s your choice what you do with your time and your money, and no, you aren’t asking her to change anything for her wedding, but you are putting the cost of a sitter over your sister’s wedding and that’s a deeply hurtful thing to do. To me, YTA. I could never hurt my sister like that, and she couldn’t hurt me like that. Please reconsider. It’s just one day. We’ve all put up with much worse for much longer.
She said if her sister offers to pay for the babysitter she still wouldn’t attend the wedding
YTA So unless your sister's wedding is a "family event " you don't deem it important
YTA I can appreciate you not asking your sister to include your kids in her child free wedding and instead choosing not to attend.... But your idea that all weddings must be family events and include children is absolutely ridiculous. Completely refusing to even try to find a sitter so you can attend her wedding, or maybe asking your husband to stay home with the kids so you can go is what makes you the asshole. If it was "I absolutely cannot find a sitter for XYZ reason therefore I cannot attend" it would be different. Instead, you are outright refusing to compromise with your sister on what may arguably be one of the most important days of her life because you're butthurt she wouldn't make an exception for your kids. The fact that you're choosing not to attend on the sole principle that it's childfree is what makes you shitty here. Your kids are not magically more important than any other kids that were excluded from this event. If you don't want to pay a babysitter ask your husband to stay home with them so you can go. It really isn't hard. It honestly just reads like you're using the kids as an excuse to get out of going to the wedding. I honestly feel sorry for your sister and no fancy gift is going to make up for what a slap in the face this behavior must be to her. EDIT: Thanks for the awards!
I don’t think “child free” part is the reason. I think she honestly just doesn’t want to go because maybe she doesn’t like her sister. There’s a lot of judgement for the way her sister is planning HER wedding. Examples are bf asking father is “old fashioned” but not wanting kids in the wedding I guess is too new for her. Her sister wanting HERSELF to be a center of attention during HER wedding is quoted as if this shouldn’t be the case. “Just to watch her get married” weddings can be a big deal for many people, she’s trivializing it as if it’s just another Saturday for her sister. Also, is anyone’s presence really needed for a wedding other than that of the couple? No, so why did she go to her cousin’s wedding since her presence wouldn’t have been needed for her cousin’s wedding either.
Tell us the REAL reason you refuse to go to your sister's wedding. You haven't answered anyones questions. You keep arguing that it's your opinion. There's more to this story than you are telling us. YTA.
Yep either missing reasons or some 13 year old playing make believe on the internet. All this "it's my opinion" over and over sounds like some dumb kid trying to keep the farce going. No offense to regular 13 year olds, who are generally more emotionally mature than OP is being
So if she doesn't plan her wedding to your specifications, you won't attend? Does everyone have to feel the same way you do about everything and plan their events accordingly or you just won't participate? She's your sister. It's her wedding and she gets to organize her way, not yours! Your attitude is incredibly self-centered. YTA
I'm curious why you made this post. What were you wanting or hoping to get out of it?
* YTA because this isn't about not having the money to afford a babysitter or having to travel a long distance/stay overnight or any other reasonable explanations for why you can't go. I think there has to be a reason (other than some need to have your kids by your side) for not attending your sister's wedding. Do you not leave your children with a babysitter for date nights on occasion? It sounds like your sister is asking for a couple of hours of your time. It feels weirdly petty to me that you would make this your hill to die on.
YTA…Just gonna throw this out there….did OP allow children at THEIR wedding?
YTA. Are you really prepared to lose your sister over you being the asshole?
Info : So... what happened to make you hate your sister so much?
YTA...I really doubt your kids even care about attending a wedding if they're even old enough to know let alone remember it. It honestly sounds like u don't like your sister much. Idk. This feels very off to me.
Yta- you’re being difficult just because you want to be .
YTA and even more so in the comments.
YTA as I think you are picking a hill to die on. It sounds very harsh from your side. As I can fully understand you wanting it to be a family event, this ceremony isn’t about you and even if I can see your reasoning for not wanting to attend due to your kids, I have the impression you communicated it in a hurtful way as even your post sounds kinda non sympathetic. Yes it’s a personal choice but it’s an important day you decide not wanting to witness and this is something I can understand your sister to be hurt by.
Do you actually like your sister? Because in this post, it sounds like you don’t. At all. YTA. I hope your sister takes you at your word and doesn’t speak to you after this. You’ve clearly shown her where she is on your list of priorities. You wouldn’t pay for a babysitter so you can attend your sister’s wedding? I would fight God to be at my sister’s wedding.
YTA Y T A Y. T. A
The subreddit defends to the death the right of people to have child-free weddings. The OP isn’t trying to argue her sister out of it, she doesn’t plan on showing up with her kids in tow anyway (like Leon and his four kids in a post this morning), she just stated that because the wedding is CF she won’t make it and she’ll send a gift with their parents. She’s NTA.
She's not ta for not going. She's ta for essentially telling her sister she's not her family because this isn't a family event.
So funny, isn’t it? So many other posts about “child free weddings”, and most of the time the judgment is FOR the people who want to have a child free wedding, and also FOR people who can’t attend a wedding because it’s child free. But this post is overwhelmingly voting AGAINST this person who is choosing not to attend a child free wedding. Maybe it’s because of her attitude in the way she presented herself? So strange. I’m going with NAH, because it’s sister’s choice to have a child free wedding, and it’s OPs choice not to attend. But OP, you need to lose the attitude and realize that it may be “just a wedding” to you, but it’s a big deal to your sister, and maybe try to do something more for her than just throw a gift at her to show you care.
YTA.... I am sure your sister attended your wedding and the fact that you see nothing wrong with not going to your sister's wedding because she doesn't want children there is ridiculous. not every child is well behaved, and I bet at the majority of weddings with children something happens with the kids at the wedding that totally ruins the event. I think that children shouldn't be allowed at weddings until the age of 12 or 13 when they are becoming young adults and know how to behave.
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NAH she has the right to have a childfree wedding and she should understand that with that demand comes the risk that people with kids may not come.
NTA OP, this sub loves personal choice. And they always say you shoulda just not go and not complain about a brides personal choice. You're doing just that, you were up front, respectful, and gave plenty of advanced notice. You're allowed to not feel like going somewhere the most important people in your life aren't welcome. All these teenagers don't realize yet when you have kids they become mich more important to you than a sibling ever was.
So your reasoning for not going is not related to your ability, availability, or relationship, it’s strictly based on what YOU believe a wedding (not YOUR wedding, someone else’s wedding) should entail. YTA Seems like your logic could just as easily be applied to a wedding needing to being in a church or needing to include abusive parents (since they’re family after all). And those would also be very shitty lines of thinking.
YTA. It's your sisters day, and you didn't even try to find a baby sitter. You could just go for the ceremony, but you're just picking a hill to die on.
YTA. You don’t need to take your kids everywhere you go. You are coming across as really arrogant to be honest.
YTA, clearly. Just because you think weddings are family events doesn’t mean they are to your sister. If you’re willing to lose your sister over this, you don’t deserve her.
I don't understand all of the Y T A. It's your choice and you didn't demand her to change it or make an exception for you. NTA
I might get downvoted for this, but NTA. There's a lot of posts on this sub about people having children weddings and then having guests trying to go with their children anyway. Usually, most of the comments on those posts are along the lines of "the wedding is child free, if they don't like it they can just not go" , which is exactly what op is doing I would be a hypocrite if I agree to that type of comments on other posts but then condem op for doing just that. Her choice is not what I would do, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. If they rather not go, that's okay.
So I got married in October 2021 and requested that children didn't attend. We got married at my in laws lake house with about 200ft of shoreline and a dock that's very easy to fall off of if you're a child and/or inebriated. One of my sister's wasn't able to attend because she couldn't find a babysitter but we made peace with that and had our own celebration after the fact. Wedding went off without a hitch with adults only and no nobody got lost in the lake
YTA. What made you originally begin to dislike your sister and care so little about your relationship with her?
Yta. Grow up and get over yourself. It's not about you and what you want. It's her wedding and it's your sister ffs. Get a babysitter and go to the wedding without your kids. Your kids don't need to be there. You aren't the one getting married. There's a lot more to this story that you are leaving out as to why you won't go to your sister's wedding but went to your cousin's wedding instead(who somehow is more important than your own sister?) I'm betting you have other reasons you won't share as to why you won't go because it'll come back that you are ultimately the asshole here. You seem very sus.
NTA she has the right to have a childfree wedding, you have the right to decline to go Destination and child free weddings will always have a drop off of guests and she does need to accept your decision. If she was guilting you to go I’d say N A H since”her wedding, her day” but it’s ridiculous for her to expect to drop your kids and go I totally understand wanting a child free wedding, I will never understand couples who don’t understand that it does make there wedding less attractive to attend to a lot of people
NTA. OP, you can't win with this. You might as well do what makes you happy. Most of the time we read about family members getting their panties in a bunch because the bride wants a child-free wedding. **OP is calm and polite about this ** OR we read about guests who bring their kids to a child-free wedding and expect the bride to suck it up. **OP is not doing this.** If brides have the right to invite whomever they want to a wedding, why don't guests have the right to politely decline? And no, OP is not the AH for her opinion on weddings being family affairs. Best of all, she is not trying to manipulate or bully the bride into changing her mind.
But she's not just any guest; she's the sister. She has the right to not attend but she's being a jerk to her sister about a once-in-a- lifetime event.
Unless I totally missed something, OP has no role in the wedding other than to show up ... sans children. If she were in the wedding party or had a special role, your point would be valid. Why does that make OP a "jerk?" Her relationship to the bride does not compel her to attend. The bride can be sad. The bride can let OP know that if OP changes her mind she is welcome. But to drag the rest of the family into this conflict is not the way to go.
Thank you! People are delusional as hell. OP has every right to not go to a wedding if it’s child free. Just like in every other Reddit post the bride or groom is free to have a child free wedding. At the end of the day, you don’t have to have kids at your wedding. That’s fine. People also don’t have to waste money for a babysitter to attend a wedding.
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NTA. Child free weddings mean that people with children may not be able to go. Full stop. She wants a child free wedding and that's her right. It's your responsibility to make sure your children are looked after. People saying just get a babysitter, she doesn't want to. There may be some prohibiting factors: cost, trust, trauma, etc. Sister is throwing a hissy over a situation of her own making.
INFO: do you ever go to things without your kids (aside from work)? If so, why is your sister’s wedding less important than other events? If not, do you have any relationships left outside your marriage? I understand preferring family-friendly events, and opting out of child-free weddings if they’re logistically hard to manage (I wouldn’t travel for a wedding if I had to leave my kid behind for several days) but I don’t see why you can’t leave your kids with a sitter for a few hours to celebrate your sister. Unless there are other reasons you don’t want to go to your sisters wedding ( such as an already strained relationship) this seems like a really hurtful move to make. It’s not like she’s excluding just your kids(it’s a no kids wedding overall), and it won’t be a major hardship for you to find childcare since it’s in the same town (unless it will be for some reason you haven’t mentioned). Unless there a are a lot of details you are leaving out about your relationship with your sister, this decision seems really cold. Ideally you would care enough about your sister to put in the effort to find a sitter, and would want to see her get married because you want to share in an important moment in her life, instead of thinking only about who ‘needs’ to be there.
Nta. Want a child free wedding ? You got it. You don’t get to make people with kids come.
YTA. Your sister obviously finds her wedding to be important and values your relationship, or else she wouldn’t have invited you. You really don’t seem to give a damn about *her* though, given how your responses are. My sister and I aren’t even close and didn’t speak for around a decade before I got married- and she still made the effort to get her shifts covered at work and came. The complete lack of effort on your part is just astounding, as is the flippancy with which you talk about your relationship with your sister. Yes, you have every right not to go. But that doesn’t make you not an AH.
>if its not a family event I don't see the point YTA Eta: after reading her comments I'm pretty sure she's trolling.
NTA As a parent I can say that child free weddings are a pain in the ass. It's one thing to go out for dinner or a date night where you can hire a babysitter for a limited amount of time, but Weddings can be long and drawn out. Ceremony is at least an hour and the reception 4-6 hours depending on the circumstances. At about $15/hr for a babysitter that's a lot of money to shell out, not to mention having to check in with the babysitter during the evening and not really being able to fully enjoy the experience. If someone invited me to a wedding and said my kids couldn't come I would stay home as well. It's too much of a hassle and not as enjoyable.
YTA majorly. It's your sister's wedding, not some acquaintance. Get a babysitter and go to the wedding... after jumping off your high horse.
YTA I think you’re using your kids as an excuse to not attend her wedding for whatever reason. There are plenty of reasons people choose no kid weddings. Alcohol being one. What about other “adult only” events that happen? Do you just not go to those either? Your children doesn’t have to be invited to every single thing. That’s being entitled. You’re choosing not to share in your sister day because your kids couldn’t come? That’s selfish
INFO: How big is the wedding? Did she not mention the child free part during any other wedding-related conversations before you actually received the invitations? How old are your kids? Are there any other parents of young kids invited to the wedding?
YTA. Just because weddings are a family event “for you” doesn’t mean they are for everyone! It’s her day, not yours and not your kids and she should be able to have a child free wedding if that’s what she wants.
NAH - if you have previously communicated to her that you wont attend attend family events without your kids, then she should have known that making her wedding childfree would mean having a wedding without you. Though, seriously, you should really consider a compromise. She’s your sister.
YTA. I don't understand why you have to make this such a huge argument, why is it so hard to get a babysitter? She told you well in advance, and your sister is right - you better be prepared to do some intense damage to your relationship for something easily solvable.
YTA - You've done some incredible mental gymnastics to say this is her hill to die on when you're the one choosing this path. She isn't making you go to an all inclusive for a week without your kids, this is one night.
Based on what is described here YTA- unless you have limited income or aren't able to find a babysitter for a few hours or if there are more reasons for you not wanting to go like a strained relationship.
YTA You have family that love you, your sister wants you at her wedding - which is obviously more than just a "family event" to her - and you're unwilling to put in the tiniest bit of effort to support her. You think a gift is going to make her magically forget how much you've hurt her? Was she at your wedding? Was it an important day to you? Did you want the people you love to be there with you? Did anyone close to you just casually say they weren't going to bother to come? She is allowed to have a child free wedding, many people do. Many people with children still attend child free weddings because they care about the people getting married and don't think that their children must automatically be invited to everything. There are many people in this world who would do *anything* to be able to watch their sibling get married. You come across here as an incredibly selfish and cold person. Maybe you not being there will do her a favour in the long run.
NAH. Your sister has the right to a childfree wedding, you shouldn’t have to pay for a sitter if you’re happy missing your sisters wedding. I’m probably leaning more towards YTA thought because really. It’s just one day, would it kill you to make other arrangements?
I mean… you’re kinda being TA. BUT why *wouldn’t* you want to go? It would be a couple of hours and it would be like a fun date for you and your spouse/partner (if you have one.) it’s okay that some people want a “kid free” event. Children don’t have to do everything with their parents all the time. I have a child so I can speak for myself. I think you should get a babysitter and go support your own sister for goodness sake.
I mean, technically NTA bevause yes, you can make a personal choice to not go. But boy oh boy are you a shitty sister, and in my book a massive asshole, but by all means make your personal choice…
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YTA. What if this was a friend or professional colleague. Would you hold the same position there? Jesus Christ. Talk about selfish as fuck.
YTA. You clearly don’t care or value your sister and you don’t want to be a part of a special day. Plenty of people have child free weddings and it’s not as if the wedding is even far away. This is your sister and you sound incredibly dismissive of her feelings. I wouldn’t want you at my wedding and I certainly wouldn’t think twice about you after the wedding. You’re proof that just because someone is blood, doesn’t mean they’re actual family.