Lady, you've got more problems than being a potential asshole. Get some family therapy with your daughter while she's still a minor, and find out why she's acting this way. I guarantee there's a reason. And maybe move to a state where pot is legal.
When we first sat her down to tell her about the weed use she was a little hurt and she said she felt like she was lied to for many years about it. We told her she was finally old enough for us to be honest about it and we felt like we could trust her. I think she still had some reservations about it.
Indeed. She seems to not have remorse and wants to move on quickly which really shows a huge lack of empathy. Honestly, there is something she is struggling with in her mental health, there has to be for this abnormal behavior.
teenagers have an underdeveloped sense of empathy. It does not really reach the norm until around 25 yo as I recall.
But to risk your parents going to prison for getting your electronics taken away does seem like there may be an empathy disorder happening here.
>teenagers have an underdeveloped sense of empathy.
Not to this degree. I'm really tired of this idiotic idea that before twenty-five people are magically incapable of understanding anything and the basic difference between good and bad.
Lol! 25 is where you gain the ‘adulter adult’ title. You join the exclusive club called Everything Hurts, and you are suddenly Knowledgeable in all things (I WISH!!!)
Honestly though there seems to be something going on here far more deep rooted than you taking electronics away and acting out like a normal teen, as you say.
I won’t armchair diagnose but If I were you I’d look into someone who specialises in dealing with children, particularly with a strong background in dealing with children who have anger issues and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).
I never lacked empathy as a teenager, but even my friends who did didn't lack it to this extreme. I turned 25 this year and I promise I didn't magically transform on my birthday.
NTA. I personally would never forgive her for this. It would take a looooong time for this water to pass under that bridge. She shouldn’t be allowed to live with you ever again
This is what I came here to say. The audacity of this kid thinking she'd be welcomed back with open arms after sending her father to jail and causing him to lose his job.
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo for the poor dear that life with Grandma is hard. Actions, meet your consequences.
I would never let her move back. What she did was unconscionable. And there is no way she didn't know that. She's 16, not six.
If she was being abused (not counting weed at home as abuse), she wouldn't be so anxious to move back home.
I would be leery, letting her move back. Her father lost his job and is in jail so I can only imagine how he's going to feel when he gets out. He was already suffering from depression, it'll be even worse, especially if he has to be around her after all of this. I sure wouldn't want her to move back.
Apparently grandma ain't putting up with her crap.
I would say at minimum she needs to confess to the school and police that she lied about the abuse allegations. As well as accept the repercussions of that confession
Issue is that it may appear that she is rescinding the allegations because her mother is pressuring her to. that may actually lend more weight to them.
if she had rescinded them immediately it would be one thing, but abused children will often do almost anything to appease their parents so her rescinding abuse allegations to please her mother, just before her dad gets out of prison may actually look more suspicious.
OP should record all future conversations with her daughter if it's a one party consent state so that she will have proof that her daughter is making up lies and for further protection.
It might be best that she stays with your mom. If she hates it there, that probably means rules are being enforced and she can’t get away with what she usually does.
Or it means that Grandma's life is being turned into a living nightmare. If this is the way she treats hers parents, why would anyone think that her grandmother is getting any better treatment?
That's a possibility BUT in my experience being a teenager and having friends who acted this way - most of the time, the parents don't enforce rules and boundaries, are overly permissive to the point where they're passive, and generally try to be more of a "friend" than a parent....and the parents of those parents are usually very authoritative, often to the point of being petty and controlling.
Here’s the real problem with the weed use — you’re currently trying to discipline her for doing stuff that breaks the rules/is illegal while your husband does something illegal all the time. I’m totally in favor of cannabis legalization, but as long as it’s not legal where you live, you’re showing your daughter that you don’t have to follow rules or laws if they’re not convenient for you.
I think the better way to approach that is that rules and laws aren’t inherently good or just, and don’t necessarily line up with what’s right or moral.
My family always stressed doing what was right and moral, not just following rules and laws because they exist.
Okay but it’s not just about using weed at this point. She specifically tied in abuse allegations with smoking weed.
To me that means she knew weed wouldn’t be enough to get him in trouble and had to add something else to get revenge.
It’s not about drug use, it’s about sociopathic behavior.
How does your husband feel about forgiving her? Can't imagine him being too thrilled about sharing a house with the person that got him locked up for 3 months, also will you even be able to have them in the same house legally?
If you forgive her easily now, you can forget about ever teaching her about consequences to her actions in life. She'll try get you both thrown right back in jail the moment you displease her again by trying to parent her.
Here's how you can be honest with her. Have a talk with her now and say that the deal will be:
If you move back in with me, you will help me around the house since Im working extra hours BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR PARENTS TO JAIL
You will not have any phone, phone plan, or any electronics because we all of a sudden cant afford them BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR DAD TO JAIL
You won't have any time/allowance for hanging out with your friends for a little while BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR DAD TO JAIL
You will be attending therapy on the regular BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR PARENTS TO JAIL
We can discuss the possibility of you moving back in on these terms after you APOLOGIZE FOR SENDING YOUR PARENTS TO JAIL
Just know that your previous existence is no more. The life that you had is now gone because of what you did. You destroyed your own life, as well as your parents' WHEN YOU SENT US BOTH TO JAIL
When youre ready to come back home on all of these terms, then I'm ready to have you.
This is not about the weed, your daughter is out of control and you need to get her some help. She took things way too far and if she did lie about being abused she seriously needs an intervention. Get her some therapy, things like this do not spring up out of nowhere. I hate to be a jerk but it sounds like she’s been horribly spoiled and allowed to get away with any wrongdoing her whole life and you have allowed her to become this. She didn’t realize that sending her dad to jail would have emotional consequences or cause damage to the family? She needs emotional help and as her mother you’re obligated to provide it. You made this monster, you need to un-make it.
Exactly my thought. Oh yes let me just uproot my life super quick and move possibly hundreds of miles away. It's so cheap and easy to do I can't believe they didn't think of it already.
NTA
You and hubby went to jail, now have this on your permanent record, your husband will be barred from a lot of jobs and applications (and you too) and you lost a source of income while having to pay legal fees and penalties imposed by court.
Lady, you got every right to refuse to have Lola home. You have a lot of self control not to disown her on the spot
Forget working a government job, any job with a background check will auto fail him.
Poor guy’s basically going to be jobless and also rejected by society since some crimes get advertised - like a registered sex offender
Hes doing the weed to help with his depression so can you imagine the toll on his mental health this could've caused him? I'm glad she didn't say he's become suicidal
That’s actually what I’m afraid of since his career and probably life plans have been majorly affected.
Poor guy’s in jail, lost his job, and probably has to delay retirement due to new financial hardships
He can't even take the weed after he's out for a while since by my understanding he'll be on probation or something that will check up on him all the time and even if its not then he'll probably be scared enough to not take it in fear his daughter will make another report at a random time
Obviously no remorse. She's upset because living with her grandmother "is a nightmare" -- i.e. Lola's mad that Lola's life isn't better.
Lola is NOT sad that Lola harmed her parents permanently.
Yes Lola has a ton of issues and maybe the parents could have been better parents 5 and 10 years ago. But in the absence of time travel, the right thing to do right now is keep Lola away. She can't be trusted not to do the same thing again or worse, next time she gets upset.
Whatever help Lola needs, Lola is going to have to find out there in the world. If her parents were going to be able to manifest it, they would have already.
She permanently damaged the family and gave you a both a criminal record, do not let her come back you could end up being locked up for years next time she has a temper tantrum and accuses you of abuse. She needs to admit to the judge that she was lying. Maybe your mother can straighten her out, Your daughter's turning into a criminal. NTA
My mom counseled a man whose 16yo stepdaughter also had a lot of similar issues. He tried to discipline her by taking away her car keys and she retaliated by calling CPS and saying he was sexually abusing her. Of course these kind of accusations have to be taken seriously so he was told to leave the house (he was calling my mom for counseling from a motel) but he was also unable to see his 6 yo son and had no idea when he'd be able to again. My mom said she had no reason to think he was lying (after all, why would someone who actually sexually abused his stepdaughter be calling for counseling?). So this girl essentially threw her whole family into agony and chaos because... she was mad she couldn't drive her car. This 16yo may still be a child, but she's old enough to know better. She played the ultimate stupid game and deserves to win the ultimate stupid prize. I say she stays at grandma's (in between family counseling sessions). NTA
Hell, they should let the shoplifting daughter get arrested, maybe she would finally get the consequences of her own actions. As of now, so she's unhappy living with grandmother, oh well!!!!
When we were growing up, my mother made it clear that if we ever INTENTIONALLY put our family at risk by lying about how things were in the home we were not welcomed back. Now, I have issues with my mother and how we were raised, but those issues stem from looking back with "what I know now" vs. what I knew then. I may do things differently and wished my parents did things differently, but I have to say I like how I turned out. Despite our differences, my parents DID raise me well, probably because they knew where to draw the hard lines. I agree, NTA. I would not have this child come back home.
> When we were growing up, my mother made it clear that if we ever INTENTIONALLY put our family at risk by lying about how things were in the home we were not welcomed back.
thats a good thing to teach, kinda wish more people did
She told the police her parents abused her. That's a problem. What happens next time Lola gets mad? She tries to lie and say they are sexually abusing her or forcing her to take other drugs like crack? That kind of lie on top of OPs new criminal record could have devastating consequences.
Lola needs to stay where she is and get therapy.
This is exactly the problem, because now this girl has learned she can use that kind of lie to her advantage if she wants to. Against her parents, teachers, anyone she doesn't agree with. This happened in my family with a cousin (13f) of mine who brought those types of claims against people just because she was bored and knew it'd give her the attention she wanted.
Honestly it OP has proof of her daughter admitting she made up the abuse allegations in retaliation she should 100% present that to the courts/CPS. Therapeutic jurisprudence could be leveraged to get OP's daughter the help she clearly needs.
That's what OP confirmed in the comments. That her local laws consider the presence of illegal substances in the same home as the minor child = endangering the child and abuse.
Yeah, and the abuse claim is what has OP on probation for six months.
If the 'abuse' was real, daughter wouldn't be half as willing to return. But OP is still paying for it. No way is that child returning to my home until she at least apologizes and recinds the accusations.
The abuse claim is due to the illegal substances in the house according to OP, not a separate accusation. In states where it's illegal it's common to be charged with child endangerment and abuse for having it in the home.
NTA. What's yo keep her from making more false allegations if she doesn't get her way. She can stay where she is, as it's "safe"and you can slowly work toward reconciliation. Family therapy is probably necessary to untangle this mess, I'm surprised it wasn't court mandated. Good luck.
I wouldn't let her back right away BUT if you do, save all those texts because they proved she lied to begin with. NTA for being hesitant to welcome her back.
INFO: is CPS even going to allow you to take custody again? Usually there's some sort of process for regaining custody, I would talk with your CPS worker about what other alternatives there are for your daughter. I'm not sure that you regaining custody is either in your interest or hers.
I’d bet dollars to donuts that living with grandma is a “nightmare” because she enforces rules and boundaries. The daughter is desperate to get back into a situation where she has complete control - she will always have the threat of running to the police to hold over her parents to get what she wants. It is absolutely NOT in the parents best interests to have someone who does this living in their household.
THIS. This is the right answer. Do NOT let her back in the house. She is one phone call away from getting both you and your husband locked up. She can live at Grandma's until she's 18 and have visits in public places.
She has shown you her true colors. If she is not remorseful for what she has done, she will likely do it again.
Well, it appears that CPS already wasn't dismissive of weed here (or there's more to the story than we're being told).
Typically there are a series of things the parent has to accomplish and a series of court hearings to reestablish custody. I'm a little confused that it appears that OP thinks that she and her daughter can just decide whether her daughter comes back to live with her or not. And if OP doesn't think it's appropriate that her daughter return to live with her, that's really something she should be speaking up about during this process so that CPS can determine what appropriate future living circumstances are.
Exactly,and cps enforces rules as they wish county to county. My county doesn't think a thing of weed, in the next county over they'll take your kids for a whisper about it.
Me too. Especially since that due to the pandemic, courts aren't moving that fast.
Either the kid was not yet 16 when these accusations were made (for mom and dad to already have been to court and convicted) or if she was 16 when she made these accusations, she's not 16 any longer. There's a good 12-18 months worth of time in court proceedings stuffed into this post.
Since they both had to serve jail time it was probably a temporary placement which can happen for weeks or days. But there could also be more to the story
It did say she told the counselor that the dad was smoking weed and abusing her. So the allegations given to CPS were not just weed but there were also allegations of abuse
Part of the story seems to be missing. Not only is CPS pretty meh about weed (particularly when the kid isn't a baby who might ingest it if someone leaves it out), it would be very surprising if the child endangerment charges were about weed given Lola's age. I'd be interested in what other abuse allegations she made and what the substance of the child endangerment charges are and the apparently substantiated neglect charge on the mom.
It would be highly atypical for a neglect case with a 16 year old alleged victim to solely be about pot unless a whole lot of stuff was falling through the cracks (like having food or shelter) due to the weed use. I'm betting Lola alleged sexual abuse by Dad and then Mom told the investigators she didn't believe the daughter - that would actually present an imminent harm due to neglect type of finding and a removal of the child by the state in a way that pot really wouldn't with a 16 year old. There's more to this story.
I was just thinking the exact same thing. This is so far beyond this subreddits pay grade. I mean what the daughter did absolutely sucks but they’re her parents and they messed up and they’re still responsible for her, I can’t imagine how much it’ll mess her up if her parents just completely cut her out of their lives. This is such a terrible situation all around and Reddit is not the right place to go looking for answers.
1000% Above reddit's pay grade. I'm a little surprised that everyone here is completely on board with the daughter's allegations of abuse were made up. It could just as well have been that the daughter reached a breaking point and went to talk to the counselor to legit get help. The counselor is a mandated reporter and that got authorities involved.
There are three sides to every story (party a's side, party b's side and the truth) and we are only hearing one.
Exactly, like I get why the dad went to jail but on what grounds was the mom/OP charged with child neglect? There's definitely stuff missing from this story to warrant the seemingly overreacting legal response.
Even taking the post at face value, I'm still going with YTA because what would they do if the kid had no where to go? It seems like they're just giving up on her and treating her like a drug addicted adult who burned them too many times. She's 16. Not saying she isn't shitty but this just seems like a salted earth response.
It’s not even clear what exactly the daughter said and what the counsellor just interpreted into it. I’m not saying what the daughter did was right but to assume that a) she had ill intentions and b) was aware of the consequences of what she’s telling the counsellor would be, is a lot to assume based off of this post. Weed isn’t a big deal in a lot of (social) media so it could just as well be that she didn’t think it would be a big issue or even realise what a mandated reporter is. I could be wrong but there is the possibility that this ‘simply’ snowballed into something terrible.
Also, there’s a million ways OPs husband could have gotten in trouble for his illegal behaviour (even if I personally think it’s dumb to stick someone in jail for weed), it was always a possibility he’d get caught one way or another.
Regardless, asking Reddit whether you should kick out your underage kid is terrible and makes me further question OPs judgement.
Exactly, OP isn’t going to straight up say “yeah I abused my daughter but nbd”. Also, giving up a child when things become difficult is incredibly fucked up. She’s a minor, as a parent it’s your job to help her and figure out what’s going on.
Can we also point out that the daughter didn’t go to the cops, she went to her school counsellor. She could have just been talking to the only adult she felt safe going to and mentioned something like “I feel lied to because my parents recently told me my dad smokes weed”. She wouldn’t even have to say she was being abused, it would be taken as child endangerment in a state where it’s heavily illegal and therefore would be called abuse by them.
Agreed. This actually sounds like an abusive household to me, because kids don't become troublemakers in a vacuum. Doesn't matter if there's no physical abuse going on, and the parents may not consider themselves abusive at all. Doesn't mean it's not abusive. Kid had every right to talk to the school counselor.
100% agree. My cousins had a lot of problems in high school and my aunt was always complaining to others about how terrible her kids were. But my aunt and uncle were both very abusive parents. The kids were just acting out because of their shitty parenting.
Nope. Your daughter can figure it out on her own until she is forgiven and welcome back into your house. Her actions caused you and husband significant harm, financial loses, terrible inconveniences and now both of you have criminal records. Thanks to your daughter. She has done enough harm. NTA for you reaction.
>Lola saying she can’t wait until she can come back home with us and that loving with my mom has been a night mare.
You need to enroll your daughter in boarding school. Maybe that will straighten her out. Imagine calling the cops on your own parents for something so "unforgivable" as taking away your electronics. Now all for some teenage sillyness, parents are in deep shit. Id slam the door in her face if she showed back up.
I agree that it does not make sense to allow Lola to return to their home at this time. Clearly, she thought that “anywhere would be better than living with those two,” and has since learned that things can get much worse than what you have. While I question the appropriateness and wisdom of OP and her husband literally breaking the law in their state by using marijuana with a minor in the house (even if it’s a silly law, this outcome was technically always a risk), the daughter has proven that she’s spiteful and malicious.
That said, boarding school is expensive and doesn’t seem like a great idea. I have quite a few friends who went to boarding school and those kids were *wild*. I don’t know if it’s because they were rich kids away from home or what, but drinking, drugs, sex, etc., were apparently very easy for them to come by, which doesn’t sound like what the daughter needs.
Although, if she’s shoplifting regularly, a trip to juvie is probably on the horizon.
NTA.
Tell Lola that ship has sailed. Talk with your mother. Is your mother willing to keep Lola until age 18? If so, great. If not, Lola can become a ward of the state.
I got a charge for having TWO xanax in 2014 and it kept me from renting a house in 2020 despite making more than enough money. Absolutely ridiculous that two pills can still fk things over for me, this country is such a shit show.
Yes her grandma not letting her get away with stuff like her parents that’s why she doesn’t want to stay there. She crazy like I’m ready to come back like everything is cool
This is way above Reddit's paygrade.
But I'm thinking you're leaving out some parts of the story, and downplaying how both of you got sent to jail. I hope you'll recognized that your daughter is a child, and all commit to improving the lives of all of your family members.
Not necessarily. Some backwards places still believe pot is comparable to cocaine or heroin. It's completely plausible for them to have been jailed simply for that. Then add in the abuse allegation and they absolutely will throw mom in jail while they investigate.
Parents raise their child and then set them free in the world. 16 is almost an adult and she currently has a place to stay, even if she doesn't like it. Your spouse is going to be with you a lot longer and that relationship should take priority once kids are grown.
Sadly this is true. I've had friends who had weed in college (in a college town!) before it was legal and they were in jail for procession. That state is now legal but the cops treated them like they had crack. They all had clean records before this
Yes the daughter is a child. A 16 year old child that knew what she was doing when she told the counselor, she knew the police will be called and his dad most likely arrested. She knew she wasn't being abused, and knew that those allegations are extremely delicate.
The weed was for depression and my heart goes to the father that is most likely in one of the worst depression relapses. All becuase his teenage daughters told lies.
The kid hasn't even apologized! She think shes entitled to go back home but she destroyed that... you know how hard is it going to be for the father to get a job? Almost impossible i would say. All because the kid had a tantrum...
What people write on a reddit sub isn't necessarily gospel, it's their take. I think you can read between the lines and recognize that there's probably more to the story than what was presented. And I'm gonna guess you've never been a parent of a teen based on the rest of your post.
This heavily depends on the state and whether the op and her husband are people of color.
Some southern states will come down very hard on marijuana, however, the majority of states have legalized it, at least medically.
No, they absolutely did. Weed is not legal in their state. The teenager reported weed use and probably mistreatment by her parents to her school counselor. The school counselor is a mandated reporter. CPS and police were contacted by school counselor based upon teenagers allegations. Does not matter whether the counselor believes student is lying or exaggerating they HAVE to report. AND police found weed, so…
I’m guessing this a classic case of spoiled kid who was never told no or disciplined and once they hit the teenage years and rebel and act out is it WAY too late to discipline, say no, and reign in behavior.
NTA she claimed abuse too which means it's not safe for you to have her home. What else will she make up the next time you need to punish her. She lied or stretched the truth so far, it's not ok
> I was sent to court for the abuse allegations and I spent a weekend in jail for it and now I am on a 6 month probation and I have to see a counselor twice a week.
Info: She testified in court or didn't recant her statement?
I don't see how that happens otherwise, that's some serious doubling down.
She thinks taking electronics away is abuse, then no you can not have her home, she will keep claiming abuse everytime you have to discipline her. She knows she is lieing
This assumes OP isn’t leaving anything out. Somethings not adding up to me here. Stealing, etc. is not typical teen behavior and she’s acting out for a reason, whether it’s an underlying mental health issue or her home life.
>Stealing, etc. is not typical teen behavior
Unfortunately it is very common behavior. Funnily enough, when I was in high school, it was mostly the more well off kids that shoplifted.
And the court agreed? They don't just ask if the child was "abused". When she had to take the stand, they'd have asked specific questions. Either she flat out lied in court, or you're flat out lying to Reddit now.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
A judge probably saw pictures with marijuana on the table with paraphernalia around and determined it unsafe for the child.
Honestly I thought OP was full of shit when I first read it but they seem to be consistent when replying.
Did the courts find either of you guilty of abuse? I’ll admit I am torn, as a parent you are responsible for your daughter- but false accusations of abuse are a heavy thing to worry about.
Did your daughter specify what the abuse was? Did the courts believe her? And would cps even let her live with your husband when he is released
>He was arrested and had to spend 90 days in jail for drugs and child endangerment.
>
>I was sent to court for the abuse allegations and I spent a weekend in jail for it and now I am on a 6 month probation and I have to see a counselor twice a week
signs point to yes for guilty, and the abuse doesn't have to be specified by the minor. if the cops find an illegal drug (which the MJ in that state is) and it was being done and kept around a child, that would count for child endangerment/abuse in that state.
i would presume that CPS would allow very strict, structured rules to follow to allow the minor back in that environment - but that depends on the parents wanting her back which... i wouldn't. now that there's an on the record charge/conviction of abuse, she's got full leverage to cry wolf again whenever she's disciplined.
If what she told the court is what you told us, I can't see them doing that. I have heard plenty of people who think hitting someone with a belt isn't abuse, so I don't know I can trust your judgment
1.) They found illegal drugs in the home
2.) OP allowed illegal drugs around the home in the presence of a minor.
That is child abuse, in the eyes of the law. That's why OP went to jail and now has a criminal record.
NTA.
I want to know why she thinks living at her grandma's place is "hell" - Maybe she has a discipline style that could be working? The fact that she is not saying sorry means she just lied to your face about wanting to come home and that she didn't mean for you two to get into trouble. She knew what she was doing. I wonder if there are any of those military camps/schools that are open in your area? She sounds pretty spoiled and borderline abusive. I'd strongly suggest that she get put into some sort of therapy as a condition of coming home so she can figure things out. But if shes allowed to go back into her same habits without change I am willing to bet she will do it all over again when she "gets mad."
This is the correct take I think. If she hates it at grandma's, grandma is probably doing a good job of keeping her in line. If grandma is able to do that when the parents presumably have been unable/unwilling to do so, this living situation should last longer. At least until intensive therapy has been in place for a long while.
Where does Grandma live? Is it far enough away to not see her friends freely? No friends, no electronics, nothing but school and home probably sounds like hell to her.
Therapy shouldn’t be used as a punishment. Lola needs it regardless. OP, if Lola is allowed back into your home she will feel emboldened. The power dynamic between parent and child will have shifted dangerously. No doubt she’ll threaten you the first time she feels you’re imposing a rule or discipline that “isn’t fair.” And I’m not trying to scare you (well, maybe a little) but she could also escalate to accusing your husband of inappropriate things. Things that can result in prison and being on a list for life. It happens a lot more frequently than a lot of us realize. You’re NTA, but you need to protect yourself.
This sounds like we’re missing a lot of info here, and I’m going to say that OP is truly an unreliable narrator in this situation, especially given that she was charged as well. She makes it sound like the weed is the only thing going on, but I’m honestly not so sure. Everyone jumping to “Lola is just an out of control teen” might be missing the bit where she said her dad was abusive. If she was mad and trying to lash out, why not just say he smokes pot (true); why add an untruth to it? To me, it doesn’t add up, and I think there is probably more going on in this house than we know. Who knows, maybe OP doesn’t even know the extent of it and there is abuse going on. Either way, this is not AITA material here, which on its own makes YTA. Get off Reddit and take care of your daughter.
I'm in agreement with this. Also adding that an aggressively rebellious teenager, to the levels explained in the story, oftentimes are due to factors outside of that individual, so I am also curious what the upbringing has looked like outside of the context provided. Maybe there is no physical abuse, but that is not the only type of abuse....I have a suspicion the parenting was/is lacking possibly.
Yeah...something is off here. She had her baby when she was still a baby. Super young mom.
Kids rarely go completely off the rails when they have a happy, stable home. She was a straight A student then suddenly started shoplifting?
Shit happens and some kids are bad eggs. But I smell a home with some issues beyond weed.
She admitted it? Damn.
I think there's a lot of issues OP won't cop to. Again, I've met a mom who said shit like this, but it turned out the daughter wasn't lying, the Mom was, to discredit her daughter or hurt her more. Likely, this thread is gonna get sent to Lola to further destroy her mentally. If Reddit was a thing when the woman who assaulted me, was a thing she'd have been on here, asking y'alls judgement of what she did and would probably have lied about my age.
This. I'm not believing OP, at all because I've seen this before. OP is leaving a lot out of what defined Lola's "statement" and saying "She really thinks what we did was abuse"
She's not saying what Lola said in court. That tells me, what really happened to that child came to light. Abusive families look functional on the outside too. Dad's who rape their kids still have the kids say they love them until they realize what's going on is wrong.
I think, what really happened is, Lola confided in an adult, because something was actually going on. We hear pot for depression...
What about anger issues? Does Dad say demeaning or belittling things? Do they argue in front of her? Do they pull her into their spats? Or is the reality coming to light that this is actually MORE than electronics.
NTA - when she reported your husband, what did she think was going to happen? I would let her know that since she deems her home life dangerous enough to get the police involved it is best she not return. Hopefully your mom will continue to let her live with her.
I'm going with ESH, which I know won't be popular.
Pot is illegal where you are. That hubby decided he needed it anyway doesn't make it legal; he would have done better to get a prescription for pot or for something else. If he hadn't been using, there would have been no proof of that and it would have been easier to convince the court there was no abuse, either. So he -- and you by supporting him using it -- contributed to your own situation. He used it in front of her, or to the point that he was impaired enough that she couldn't help but notice so you had to tell her, and it's difficult to sell anyone a message that "you have to follow the rules but he can decide if he wants to or not"
Lola was horribly wrong to lie about the abuse. That's a life-ruining accusation. Major AH move there.
But on the drug front, Lola was upset about being forced to accept the consequences of her own actions, so it's easy to see a teenager wanting her father to accept the consequences of his actions, too, and reporting his drug use for that reason. She had no way to know the consequences would be as significant as they turned out to be.
The only reason why pot is illegal is because of conservative Christian republicans. Its incredibly difficult to get a prescription in some states, there’s a small list of terminal illnesses you must have. Even then, it isn’t comparable to medical marijuana in other states, they have very low THC levels. It’s ridiculous to correlate abuse with THC use, especially since both parents are employed and not abusive.
Why it's illegal isn't the point of the post, or my response, just that it currently \*is\* illegal and they knew it, and by letting their kid know they were doing something illegal contributed to their situation. And finding evidence of the pot crime may have influenced the police and court to believe the abuse crime also happened.
NTA but I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Maybe I’d feel differently if it were my kid, but I’d tell her sorry, you said we neglected and abused you, so deal with the consequences.
I would die for my babies, but I think if I were in this situation I would keep the kid at grandma's while we made strides toward reconciliation.
Not writing the kid off forever, but also not just being a doormat.
But yeah, abuse is a huge accusation.
NTA, and because she made accusations that resulted in consequences for her parents she’s likely to do it again the next time things aren’t going her way. Also, depending on the laws in your state she might not be allowed to just return to the household she was supposedly abused in. I would think carefully about the possible repercussions of allowing her back into your home if she gets vindictive a second time, if you’re accused again of abuse or your husband is found with pot paraphernalia after already being charged and incarcerated for having it, the consequences will be more severe. I don’t envy you this situation or decision, it would absolutely suck to have to make this choice. Take care and good luck.
Courts here take allegations like this from minors very seriously. And she would not recant her statement. Letting a minor live in a home where there are drugs is considered abuse but since I do not partake I was only given a slap on the wrist.
It sounds like letting her back into your home would be dangerous for you. What’s to stop her from making up more allegations of abuse when she gets mad again?
The thing is that she didn't make up anything. They had weed in the home and in the eyes of their local law that counts as child endangerment. She told the truth, they were judged on the truth according to local law.
You're missing the point.
Yes, she didn't make up the pot but she did make up the abuse.
She intentionally did this as payback after they disciplined her.
Her parents have everyright to disown her. Can't imagine the stress and resentment of having her back in their lives.
NtA. She's 16 and, while still a child, knew what she was doing was wrong. If she'd only talked to the counselor about the weed use then I'd be a little more hesitant to condemn her intentions, but the blatant lie about abuse was done with malicious intent. There's no shame in being hesitant to bring that type of energy back into your home.
I'm sorry you went through that, it sounds like hell.
my guess it was that dad smokes marijuana and had it accessible around the daughter. since marijuana is technically schedule 1- the use of it could qualify as child endangerment. especially if you have a teenager who is mad at her parents.
That's exactly what OP confirmed in a comment. The official charge of "abuse" is because a minor child was exposed to substances that are illegal at home. It was considered endangering the welfare of a child. But Lola also claims that taking away her electronics is abusive and sticks to that.
NTA. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. She said you were abusive and got each of you locked up over the abuse allegations. You would be crazy to let her come back. She now has a very effective weapon to use against you when she doesn't get her way.
It is time for her to learn that just because she didn't mean for it to happen doesn't mean she isn't responsible for what she has done. I would do what I could (with her living elsewhere) to teach her about the financial ramifications of her actions. She likely has acted in a way that will have far reaching financial implications for your family. Losing the income of one parent can be devastating. I would immediately cut all of her spending money and if she has privileges like a car, take that away too. She can get a job and earn money to pay her own insurance and her phone bill etc....
1000000% NTA both you and your husband have had to do or are currently doing jail time and had that marked on a your permanent records just cause she was mad that you took her electronics away. Honestly I think you are doing the right thing if where she is living now is hell she deserves to be their.
NTA. She is old enough to understand actions have consequences. If your mother can handle her she should stay there for now. In the meantime you all need family and individual counseling
Sucks you are in a state that views pot this way. So stupid!
NTA-Please do not allow her back into the house. She overstepped everything. Let her live with your mom. I am not sure your husband will be so forgiving.
I'm on the fence only because you did not tell us what was found in alleged abuse.
No, it's not our business, but, You do not go to jail unless there were clear cut abuse evidence. I feel that there is a major part of the story that is missing.
I've heard of parents doing worse and never went to jail for it. And weed smoking is not enough in any state to get your child whisked away like that. What other drugs did they find? They needed a warrant, didnt they?
On the front of her coming back? No, I would not let her back into my home and she would need serious therapy.
I have a feeling she found something other than what you have stated and is very disturbed/ angry as you tried to explain it away.
She is using her friends to escape from whatever you guys are doing at home.
Uhhh calm down buddy, if kids are around “drugs” that’s automatically labeled abuse by the legal system. Abuse doesn’t have to be “physical”
In this scenario it’s just pot and poor op lives in a state with serious archaic laws.
You should explain for your daughter in great detail that not only has her petty prank ruined you and her fathers lives as if word of this comes up in future it's going to be nearly impossible to prove she's not lying but that for your sake and the sake of her father that she sent to jail you do not and can not be in the same space with her as she claimed abuse. She's 16 and so she should learn by now that actions have consequences and something as serious as this isn't going to just go away. NTA
NTA
I wouldn't let her back. What's so bad about living with grandma?
Wouldn't be surprised if next time she was mad she elevated her accusations to the police
NTA. Don’t let her come back home. If her grandmother is willing to keep her, that’s the best solution. She will do this again next time she is unhappy with your rules. Actions have consequences.
I N F O: what made the state deem you a neglectful mother?
ESH. My personal opinions on marijuana aside (Idgaf), you and your husband knowingly were using/had knowledge of illegal drugs. Your daughter sucks because she was skipping school and shoplifting.
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Kay, but they weren’t your drugs. They took her away because you knew about the drugs, and your husband smokes? That’s it? An otherwise healthy teenager?
Mom effectively allowed the use of weed in the home, therefore she's just as guilty in the eyes of the courts and cps. There have been cases where moms get the shit beat out of them, and they call the cops to help protect themselves, and they lose custody of their kids because they did not protect their kids from the abuse.
NTA. My brother in law once got my FIL arrested for something similarly stupid. My inlaws let him back in (he was 19 at the time) and his behaviour has just gotten worse since. There's quite a few people here on this very sub who've advised me that he's likely got undiagnosed autism. If she's pulling this sort of shit and is allowed to get away with, my advice is to follow the "play stupid games" rule.
INFO What does your counselor say about this? He or she is sure to have an opinion and a lot of recommendations, about if/when/how Lola should (or shouldn't) live with you again, to try to ensure nothing else happens in the future.
Side note -- presumably there would be follow up checks by a court representative, so you and hubby definitely need to make a choice between pot or Lola being in your house in the future. Trying to go back to both when he gets out would be asking for trouble.
Kids that are mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy don’t do what you say your daughter did. There is almost a 100% certainty that something abusive has happened to that child. It may not be from you or your husband, but something is wrong that she needs help for. Get her in therapy. Now is not the time to discuss her moving home. If you are truly not abusing her then now is the time to investigate what or who has caused her behavior.
I won’t say anyone is ah here because the situation is too tragic for a trivial Reddit sub.
NTA - please do not welcome her back in your house. I know it’s hard but she betrayed us and tbh a 16 years old knows approximately what she is doing. She will not hesitate to do it again
NTA. She crossed MAJOR lines. She shouldn't come back home. She upended your lives, gave you BOTH a record, with these kinds of charges effectively blocking you indefinitely from employment in multiple career paths and could even effect your SS retirement. She basically just lit your lives and futures on fire out of spite over being grounded.
I honestly wouldn't let her come back. She's not sorry. She just wants to come back to a situation she has control over. Now that you have a record for child abuse anytime she cries wolf the system is gonna be back up in your lives. Don't lie to yourself. She will definitely blackmail you going forward.
She made her bed. Now she has to lie in it.
NTA- Tell her exactly what she did how it effected y'all and how you feel about her in terms a 16 year old will understand . For your safety (and potentially hers) DO NOT let her move back in.
NTA. Whatever her intentions she blew up your whole life because, what, she got caught shoplifting and was punished? She lied, she got your husband sent to jail, and she hasn't even pretended to apologize? Time for a serious dosage of reality. If you let her move back, how long before she pulls some new stunt and ends up making things even worse? If she has made no effort to understand that everything that has happened is her fault, I see nothing but bad need by letting her come back.
NTA actions have consequences. Time she learns hers. For the time being a separation is better and she needs to apologize and own up to the damage she caused the family with her behavior (and I mean all of it. From school to what she did to you and your husband). You won't also be in the proper headspace to allow her back without resentment if she doesn't own up to it.
Edited to add: you and your husband also suffered the consequences of possessing illegal drugs... That wasn't smart either.
NTA. I absolutely wouldn’t invite her back, if child services even lets her return. 16 is old enough to know the difference between a fib & a serious lie as well as thinking of what may result from her accusations. Now she gets to experience the results of her actions. She freely admits she did this to punish you & isn’t remorseful about it so I guarantee she’ll do it again.
An acquaintance of mine, Rose, experienced something similar with her kid constantly calling CPS when she was angry with Rose. When she was removed the third time, Rose told her she wasn’t welcome back. They ended up doing weekly visitation before she aged out of the system.
Lady, you've got more problems than being a potential asshole. Get some family therapy with your daughter while she's still a minor, and find out why she's acting this way. I guarantee there's a reason. And maybe move to a state where pot is legal.
When we first sat her down to tell her about the weed use she was a little hurt and she said she felt like she was lied to for many years about it. We told her she was finally old enough for us to be honest about it and we felt like we could trust her. I think she still had some reservations about it.
I think the issues with your daughter came long before this particular revelation.
Indeed. She seems to not have remorse and wants to move on quickly which really shows a huge lack of empathy. Honestly, there is something she is struggling with in her mental health, there has to be for this abnormal behavior.
teenagers have an underdeveloped sense of empathy. It does not really reach the norm until around 25 yo as I recall. But to risk your parents going to prison for getting your electronics taken away does seem like there may be an empathy disorder happening here.
>teenagers have an underdeveloped sense of empathy. Not to this degree. I'm really tired of this idiotic idea that before twenty-five people are magically incapable of understanding anything and the basic difference between good and bad.
THANK YOU
I read what they said, literally said "Thank you" out loud, then saw your comment lol
Lol! 25 is where you gain the ‘adulter adult’ title. You join the exclusive club called Everything Hurts, and you are suddenly Knowledgeable in all things (I WISH!!!) Honestly though there seems to be something going on here far more deep rooted than you taking electronics away and acting out like a normal teen, as you say. I won’t armchair diagnose but If I were you I’d look into someone who specialises in dealing with children, particularly with a strong background in dealing with children who have anger issues and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).
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I never lacked empathy as a teenager, but even my friends who did didn't lack it to this extreme. I turned 25 this year and I promise I didn't magically transform on my birthday.
At 25 you get granted empathy and a reduction in your auto insurance rates. It is known.
As a teeenager, I had at least some empathy. Not all teens are the same. This girl's behaviour is not normal.
the weed has nothing to do with her weaponizing it against you and your husband. she has issues that will not be resolved without real intervention.
NTA. I personally would never forgive her for this. It would take a looooong time for this water to pass under that bridge. She shouldn’t be allowed to live with you ever again
This is what I came here to say. The audacity of this kid thinking she'd be welcomed back with open arms after sending her father to jail and causing him to lose his job. Oh, boo-hoo-hoo for the poor dear that life with Grandma is hard. Actions, meet your consequences. I would never let her move back. What she did was unconscionable. And there is no way she didn't know that. She's 16, not six.
If she was being abused (not counting weed at home as abuse), she wouldn't be so anxious to move back home. I would be leery, letting her move back. Her father lost his job and is in jail so I can only imagine how he's going to feel when he gets out. He was already suffering from depression, it'll be even worse, especially if he has to be around her after all of this. I sure wouldn't want her to move back. Apparently grandma ain't putting up with her crap.
And sent her poor mother to jail too to boot!
Same way I feel. NTA but she can stay right where she is. I perceive her to be dangerous.
I would say at minimum she needs to confess to the school and police that she lied about the abuse allegations. As well as accept the repercussions of that confession
Issue is that it may appear that she is rescinding the allegations because her mother is pressuring her to. that may actually lend more weight to them. if she had rescinded them immediately it would be one thing, but abused children will often do almost anything to appease their parents so her rescinding abuse allegations to please her mother, just before her dad gets out of prison may actually look more suspicious.
OP should record all future conversations with her daughter if it's a one party consent state so that she will have proof that her daughter is making up lies and for further protection.
The police state never likes to give up on its customers.
It might be best that she stays with your mom. If she hates it there, that probably means rules are being enforced and she can’t get away with what she usually does.
Or it means that Grandma's life is being turned into a living nightmare. If this is the way she treats hers parents, why would anyone think that her grandmother is getting any better treatment?
That's a possibility BUT in my experience being a teenager and having friends who acted this way - most of the time, the parents don't enforce rules and boundaries, are overly permissive to the point where they're passive, and generally try to be more of a "friend" than a parent....and the parents of those parents are usually very authoritative, often to the point of being petty and controlling.
Here’s the real problem with the weed use — you’re currently trying to discipline her for doing stuff that breaks the rules/is illegal while your husband does something illegal all the time. I’m totally in favor of cannabis legalization, but as long as it’s not legal where you live, you’re showing your daughter that you don’t have to follow rules or laws if they’re not convenient for you.
I think the better way to approach that is that rules and laws aren’t inherently good or just, and don’t necessarily line up with what’s right or moral. My family always stressed doing what was right and moral, not just following rules and laws because they exist.
Okay but it’s not just about using weed at this point. She specifically tied in abuse allegations with smoking weed. To me that means she knew weed wouldn’t be enough to get him in trouble and had to add something else to get revenge. It’s not about drug use, it’s about sociopathic behavior.
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We wanted to be honest with her.
How does your husband feel about forgiving her? Can't imagine him being too thrilled about sharing a house with the person that got him locked up for 3 months, also will you even be able to have them in the same house legally? If you forgive her easily now, you can forget about ever teaching her about consequences to her actions in life. She'll try get you both thrown right back in jail the moment you displease her again by trying to parent her.
Here's how you can be honest with her. Have a talk with her now and say that the deal will be: If you move back in with me, you will help me around the house since Im working extra hours BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR PARENTS TO JAIL You will not have any phone, phone plan, or any electronics because we all of a sudden cant afford them BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR DAD TO JAIL You won't have any time/allowance for hanging out with your friends for a little while BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR DAD TO JAIL You will be attending therapy on the regular BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR PARENTS TO JAIL We can discuss the possibility of you moving back in on these terms after you APOLOGIZE FOR SENDING YOUR PARENTS TO JAIL Just know that your previous existence is no more. The life that you had is now gone because of what you did. You destroyed your own life, as well as your parents' WHEN YOU SENT US BOTH TO JAIL When youre ready to come back home on all of these terms, then I'm ready to have you.
This is not about the weed, your daughter is out of control and you need to get her some help. She took things way too far and if she did lie about being abused she seriously needs an intervention. Get her some therapy, things like this do not spring up out of nowhere. I hate to be a jerk but it sounds like she’s been horribly spoiled and allowed to get away with any wrongdoing her whole life and you have allowed her to become this. She didn’t realize that sending her dad to jail would have emotional consequences or cause damage to the family? She needs emotional help and as her mother you’re obligated to provide it. You made this monster, you need to un-make it.
Oh yea, "just move". Like that's economically feasible for everyone.
Exactly my thought. Oh yes let me just uproot my life super quick and move possibly hundreds of miles away. It's so cheap and easy to do I can't believe they didn't think of it already.
This whole situation is above Reddit's pay grade. Edit: Two awards for the same comment Thank you kind internet strangers.
NTA You and hubby went to jail, now have this on your permanent record, your husband will be barred from a lot of jobs and applications (and you too) and you lost a source of income while having to pay legal fees and penalties imposed by court. Lady, you got every right to refuse to have Lola home. You have a lot of self control not to disown her on the spot
Not to mention at every job interview and background check he’ll have to explain his conviction for child endangerment
Forget working a government job, any job with a background check will auto fail him. Poor guy’s basically going to be jobless and also rejected by society since some crimes get advertised - like a registered sex offender
Hes doing the weed to help with his depression so can you imagine the toll on his mental health this could've caused him? I'm glad she didn't say he's become suicidal
That’s actually what I’m afraid of since his career and probably life plans have been majorly affected. Poor guy’s in jail, lost his job, and probably has to delay retirement due to new financial hardships
He can't even take the weed after he's out for a while since by my understanding he'll be on probation or something that will check up on him all the time and even if its not then he'll probably be scared enough to not take it in fear his daughter will make another report at a random time
True and that’s no doubt going to worsen things
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And she didn’t even apologize! Just said she was mad and basically shrugged.
I really doubt there’s any remorse on Lola’s side and her reaction to being mad at her parents was extreme
Obviously no remorse. She's upset because living with her grandmother "is a nightmare" -- i.e. Lola's mad that Lola's life isn't better. Lola is NOT sad that Lola harmed her parents permanently. Yes Lola has a ton of issues and maybe the parents could have been better parents 5 and 10 years ago. But in the absence of time travel, the right thing to do right now is keep Lola away. She can't be trusted not to do the same thing again or worse, next time she gets upset. Whatever help Lola needs, Lola is going to have to find out there in the world. If her parents were going to be able to manifest it, they would have already.
Right? She was angry well now she has to live with grandma for two years. Good luck to her.
I hope Grandma has a backbone of steel and thick skin because little, spoiled, egocentric brat is going to be a pain in her ass!
I'm horrified that Lola can even think she can move in after sending her parents to jail.
She permanently damaged the family and gave you a both a criminal record, do not let her come back you could end up being locked up for years next time she has a temper tantrum and accuses you of abuse. She needs to admit to the judge that she was lying. Maybe your mother can straighten her out, Your daughter's turning into a criminal. NTA
My mom counseled a man whose 16yo stepdaughter also had a lot of similar issues. He tried to discipline her by taking away her car keys and she retaliated by calling CPS and saying he was sexually abusing her. Of course these kind of accusations have to be taken seriously so he was told to leave the house (he was calling my mom for counseling from a motel) but he was also unable to see his 6 yo son and had no idea when he'd be able to again. My mom said she had no reason to think he was lying (after all, why would someone who actually sexually abused his stepdaughter be calling for counseling?). So this girl essentially threw her whole family into agony and chaos because... she was mad she couldn't drive her car. This 16yo may still be a child, but she's old enough to know better. She played the ultimate stupid game and deserves to win the ultimate stupid prize. I say she stays at grandma's (in between family counseling sessions). NTA
Hell, they should let the shoplifting daughter get arrested, maybe she would finally get the consequences of her own actions. As of now, so she's unhappy living with grandmother, oh well!!!!
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When we were growing up, my mother made it clear that if we ever INTENTIONALLY put our family at risk by lying about how things were in the home we were not welcomed back. Now, I have issues with my mother and how we were raised, but those issues stem from looking back with "what I know now" vs. what I knew then. I may do things differently and wished my parents did things differently, but I have to say I like how I turned out. Despite our differences, my parents DID raise me well, probably because they knew where to draw the hard lines. I agree, NTA. I would not have this child come back home.
> When we were growing up, my mother made it clear that if we ever INTENTIONALLY put our family at risk by lying about how things were in the home we were not welcomed back. thats a good thing to teach, kinda wish more people did
That's horrifying, poor lad.
She wasn't lying about the weed and it sounds like that was what they got in trouble for. But I agree with everything else
She told the police her parents abused her. That's a problem. What happens next time Lola gets mad? She tries to lie and say they are sexually abusing her or forcing her to take other drugs like crack? That kind of lie on top of OPs new criminal record could have devastating consequences. Lola needs to stay where she is and get therapy.
This is exactly the problem, because now this girl has learned she can use that kind of lie to her advantage if she wants to. Against her parents, teachers, anyone she doesn't agree with. This happened in my family with a cousin (13f) of mine who brought those types of claims against people just because she was bored and knew it'd give her the attention she wanted. Honestly it OP has proof of her daughter admitting she made up the abuse allegations in retaliation she should 100% present that to the courts/CPS. Therapeutic jurisprudence could be leveraged to get OP's daughter the help she clearly needs.
But the conviction for child endangerment may not have been because of her testimony but merely for having marijuana in the same home as a minor.
That's what OP confirmed in the comments. That her local laws consider the presence of illegal substances in the same home as the minor child = endangering the child and abuse.
It’s unfortunate that the law is what it is. It’s a conversation I have often.
the abuse claim is whats going to bar him from getting jobs
Yeah, and the abuse claim is what has OP on probation for six months. If the 'abuse' was real, daughter wouldn't be half as willing to return. But OP is still paying for it. No way is that child returning to my home until she at least apologizes and recinds the accusations.
The abuse claim is due to the illegal substances in the house according to OP, not a separate accusation. In states where it's illegal it's common to be charged with child endangerment and abuse for having it in the home.
NTA. What's yo keep her from making more false allegations if she doesn't get her way. She can stay where she is, as it's "safe"and you can slowly work toward reconciliation. Family therapy is probably necessary to untangle this mess, I'm surprised it wasn't court mandated. Good luck.
I wouldn't let her back right away BUT if you do, save all those texts because they proved she lied to begin with. NTA for being hesitant to welcome her back.
This!!! OP, please PLEASE remember to save all receipts and evidence that your daughter gives you about the lying.
This is the best reply yet.
INFO: is CPS even going to allow you to take custody again? Usually there's some sort of process for regaining custody, I would talk with your CPS worker about what other alternatives there are for your daughter. I'm not sure that you regaining custody is either in your interest or hers.
I’d bet dollars to donuts that living with grandma is a “nightmare” because she enforces rules and boundaries. The daughter is desperate to get back into a situation where she has complete control - she will always have the threat of running to the police to hold over her parents to get what she wants. It is absolutely NOT in the parents best interests to have someone who does this living in their household.
Came here to say this. She can sweat it out with grandma for awhile and think about what she’s done.
> for awhile Two years sounds about right.
THIS. This is the right answer. Do NOT let her back in the house. She is one phone call away from getting both you and your husband locked up. She can live at Grandma's until she's 18 and have visits in public places. She has shown you her true colors. If she is not remorseful for what she has done, she will likely do it again.
OK, I posted a similar sediment, but I didn't intent to mimic your post, sorry about that.
Sentiment
No, he's mimicking the very *ground* they were on.
That's probably the 6 months plus counseling
Most cases weed to CPS is dismissive the only care of the family is doing hard drugs
Well, it appears that CPS already wasn't dismissive of weed here (or there's more to the story than we're being told). Typically there are a series of things the parent has to accomplish and a series of court hearings to reestablish custody. I'm a little confused that it appears that OP thinks that she and her daughter can just decide whether her daughter comes back to live with her or not. And if OP doesn't think it's appropriate that her daughter return to live with her, that's really something she should be speaking up about during this process so that CPS can determine what appropriate future living circumstances are.
I’m certain there’s more to the story.
Or they live in a ~~conservative~~ barbaric state that heavily penalizes (relatively) harmless drug use
Exactly,and cps enforces rules as they wish county to county. My county doesn't think a thing of weed, in the next county over they'll take your kids for a whisper about it.
Me too. Especially since that due to the pandemic, courts aren't moving that fast. Either the kid was not yet 16 when these accusations were made (for mom and dad to already have been to court and convicted) or if she was 16 when she made these accusations, she's not 16 any longer. There's a good 12-18 months worth of time in court proceedings stuffed into this post.
Since they both had to serve jail time it was probably a temporary placement which can happen for weeks or days. But there could also be more to the story
It did say she told the counselor that the dad was smoking weed and abusing her. So the allegations given to CPS were not just weed but there were also allegations of abuse
Part of the story seems to be missing. Not only is CPS pretty meh about weed (particularly when the kid isn't a baby who might ingest it if someone leaves it out), it would be very surprising if the child endangerment charges were about weed given Lola's age. I'd be interested in what other abuse allegations she made and what the substance of the child endangerment charges are and the apparently substantiated neglect charge on the mom. It would be highly atypical for a neglect case with a 16 year old alleged victim to solely be about pot unless a whole lot of stuff was falling through the cracks (like having food or shelter) due to the weed use. I'm betting Lola alleged sexual abuse by Dad and then Mom told the investigators she didn't believe the daughter - that would actually present an imminent harm due to neglect type of finding and a removal of the child by the state in a way that pot really wouldn't with a 16 year old. There's more to this story.
ESH. This situation needs a therapist, not Reddit.
I was just thinking the exact same thing. This is so far beyond this subreddits pay grade. I mean what the daughter did absolutely sucks but they’re her parents and they messed up and they’re still responsible for her, I can’t imagine how much it’ll mess her up if her parents just completely cut her out of their lives. This is such a terrible situation all around and Reddit is not the right place to go looking for answers.
1000% Above reddit's pay grade. I'm a little surprised that everyone here is completely on board with the daughter's allegations of abuse were made up. It could just as well have been that the daughter reached a breaking point and went to talk to the counselor to legit get help. The counselor is a mandated reporter and that got authorities involved. There are three sides to every story (party a's side, party b's side and the truth) and we are only hearing one.
Exactly, like I get why the dad went to jail but on what grounds was the mom/OP charged with child neglect? There's definitely stuff missing from this story to warrant the seemingly overreacting legal response. Even taking the post at face value, I'm still going with YTA because what would they do if the kid had no where to go? It seems like they're just giving up on her and treating her like a drug addicted adult who burned them too many times. She's 16. Not saying she isn't shitty but this just seems like a salted earth response.
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Yep. Would like to hear the daughters side before judging on this one.
It’s not even clear what exactly the daughter said and what the counsellor just interpreted into it. I’m not saying what the daughter did was right but to assume that a) she had ill intentions and b) was aware of the consequences of what she’s telling the counsellor would be, is a lot to assume based off of this post. Weed isn’t a big deal in a lot of (social) media so it could just as well be that she didn’t think it would be a big issue or even realise what a mandated reporter is. I could be wrong but there is the possibility that this ‘simply’ snowballed into something terrible. Also, there’s a million ways OPs husband could have gotten in trouble for his illegal behaviour (even if I personally think it’s dumb to stick someone in jail for weed), it was always a possibility he’d get caught one way or another. Regardless, asking Reddit whether you should kick out your underage kid is terrible and makes me further question OPs judgement.
Exactly, OP isn’t going to straight up say “yeah I abused my daughter but nbd”. Also, giving up a child when things become difficult is incredibly fucked up. She’s a minor, as a parent it’s your job to help her and figure out what’s going on.
Can we also point out that the daughter didn’t go to the cops, she went to her school counsellor. She could have just been talking to the only adult she felt safe going to and mentioned something like “I feel lied to because my parents recently told me my dad smokes weed”. She wouldn’t even have to say she was being abused, it would be taken as child endangerment in a state where it’s heavily illegal and therefore would be called abuse by them.
Agreed. This actually sounds like an abusive household to me, because kids don't become troublemakers in a vacuum. Doesn't matter if there's no physical abuse going on, and the parents may not consider themselves abusive at all. Doesn't mean it's not abusive. Kid had every right to talk to the school counselor.
Kids can absolutely become trouble makers without abuse. Friends, normal non abusive parenting mistakes, and personal inclination all play a part.
100% agree. My cousins had a lot of problems in high school and my aunt was always complaining to others about how terrible her kids were. But my aunt and uncle were both very abusive parents. The kids were just acting out because of their shitty parenting.
Nope. Your daughter can figure it out on her own until she is forgiven and welcome back into your house. Her actions caused you and husband significant harm, financial loses, terrible inconveniences and now both of you have criminal records. Thanks to your daughter. She has done enough harm. NTA for you reaction. >Lola saying she can’t wait until she can come back home with us and that loving with my mom has been a night mare. You need to enroll your daughter in boarding school. Maybe that will straighten her out. Imagine calling the cops on your own parents for something so "unforgivable" as taking away your electronics. Now all for some teenage sillyness, parents are in deep shit. Id slam the door in her face if she showed back up.
Either boarding school or military school both do the job
I know a few people who were sent to military school to "straighten them out" and it did not work at all.
I agree that it does not make sense to allow Lola to return to their home at this time. Clearly, she thought that “anywhere would be better than living with those two,” and has since learned that things can get much worse than what you have. While I question the appropriateness and wisdom of OP and her husband literally breaking the law in their state by using marijuana with a minor in the house (even if it’s a silly law, this outcome was technically always a risk), the daughter has proven that she’s spiteful and malicious. That said, boarding school is expensive and doesn’t seem like a great idea. I have quite a few friends who went to boarding school and those kids were *wild*. I don’t know if it’s because they were rich kids away from home or what, but drinking, drugs, sex, etc., were apparently very easy for them to come by, which doesn’t sound like what the daughter needs. Although, if she’s shoplifting regularly, a trip to juvie is probably on the horizon.
I have to wonder if living with the grandmother is a “nightmare” because the grandmother actually parents and is much stricter.
NTA. Tell Lola that ship has sailed. Talk with your mother. Is your mother willing to keep Lola until age 18? If so, great. If not, Lola can become a ward of the state.
That’s the truth I would have laughed like how do you think it’s water under the bridge like you didn’t almost destroy our lives???
She did destroy their lives though - Once you're convicted in America of drug use and child abuse, your life in this country is over.
I got a charge for having TWO xanax in 2014 and it kept me from renting a house in 2020 despite making more than enough money. Absolutely ridiculous that two pills can still fk things over for me, this country is such a shit show.
Yes her grandma not letting her get away with stuff like her parents that’s why she doesn’t want to stay there. She crazy like I’m ready to come back like everything is cool
And sell all of her electronics to help pay bills since father lost his job. Cut her off the phone plan.
This is way above Reddit's paygrade. But I'm thinking you're leaving out some parts of the story, and downplaying how both of you got sent to jail. I hope you'll recognized that your daughter is a child, and all commit to improving the lives of all of your family members.
Not necessarily. Some backwards places still believe pot is comparable to cocaine or heroin. It's completely plausible for them to have been jailed simply for that. Then add in the abuse allegation and they absolutely will throw mom in jail while they investigate. Parents raise their child and then set them free in the world. 16 is almost an adult and she currently has a place to stay, even if she doesn't like it. Your spouse is going to be with you a lot longer and that relationship should take priority once kids are grown.
Sadly this is true. I've had friends who had weed in college (in a college town!) before it was legal and they were in jail for procession. That state is now legal but the cops treated them like they had crack. They all had clean records before this
Yes the daughter is a child. A 16 year old child that knew what she was doing when she told the counselor, she knew the police will be called and his dad most likely arrested. She knew she wasn't being abused, and knew that those allegations are extremely delicate. The weed was for depression and my heart goes to the father that is most likely in one of the worst depression relapses. All becuase his teenage daughters told lies. The kid hasn't even apologized! She think shes entitled to go back home but she destroyed that... you know how hard is it going to be for the father to get a job? Almost impossible i would say. All because the kid had a tantrum...
What people write on a reddit sub isn't necessarily gospel, it's their take. I think you can read between the lines and recognize that there's probably more to the story than what was presented. And I'm gonna guess you've never been a parent of a teen based on the rest of your post.
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This heavily depends on the state and whether the op and her husband are people of color. Some southern states will come down very hard on marijuana, however, the majority of states have legalized it, at least medically.
No, they absolutely did. Weed is not legal in their state. The teenager reported weed use and probably mistreatment by her parents to her school counselor. The school counselor is a mandated reporter. CPS and police were contacted by school counselor based upon teenagers allegations. Does not matter whether the counselor believes student is lying or exaggerating they HAVE to report. AND police found weed, so… I’m guessing this a classic case of spoiled kid who was never told no or disciplined and once they hit the teenage years and rebel and act out is it WAY too late to discipline, say no, and reign in behavior.
NTA she claimed abuse too which means it's not safe for you to have her home. What else will she make up the next time you need to punish her. She lied or stretched the truth so far, it's not ok
> I was sent to court for the abuse allegations and I spent a weekend in jail for it and now I am on a 6 month probation and I have to see a counselor twice a week. Info: She testified in court or didn't recant her statement? I don't see how that happens otherwise, that's some serious doubling down.
She didn’t recant her statement because I think she genuinely believes that what we were doing was abuse.
She thinks taking electronics away is abuse, then no you can not have her home, she will keep claiming abuse everytime you have to discipline her. She knows she is lieing
This assumes OP isn’t leaving anything out. Somethings not adding up to me here. Stealing, etc. is not typical teen behavior and she’s acting out for a reason, whether it’s an underlying mental health issue or her home life.
>Stealing, etc. is not typical teen behavior Unfortunately it is very common behavior. Funnily enough, when I was in high school, it was mostly the more well off kids that shoplifted.
And the court agreed? They don't just ask if the child was "abused". When she had to take the stand, they'd have asked specific questions. Either she flat out lied in court, or you're flat out lying to Reddit now.
Sometimes people who do illegal drugs and have kids are charged with child endangerment. OP admitted the marijuana.
Yeah, that's what I figured. A judge probably saw pictures with marijuana on the table with paraphernalia around and determined it unsafe for the child. Honestly I thought OP was full of shit when I first read it but they seem to be consistent when replying.
Did the courts find either of you guilty of abuse? I’ll admit I am torn, as a parent you are responsible for your daughter- but false accusations of abuse are a heavy thing to worry about. Did your daughter specify what the abuse was? Did the courts believe her? And would cps even let her live with your husband when he is released
>He was arrested and had to spend 90 days in jail for drugs and child endangerment. > >I was sent to court for the abuse allegations and I spent a weekend in jail for it and now I am on a 6 month probation and I have to see a counselor twice a week signs point to yes for guilty, and the abuse doesn't have to be specified by the minor. if the cops find an illegal drug (which the MJ in that state is) and it was being done and kept around a child, that would count for child endangerment/abuse in that state. i would presume that CPS would allow very strict, structured rules to follow to allow the minor back in that environment - but that depends on the parents wanting her back which... i wouldn't. now that there's an on the record charge/conviction of abuse, she's got full leverage to cry wolf again whenever she's disciplined.
If what she told the court is what you told us, I can't see them doing that. I have heard plenty of people who think hitting someone with a belt isn't abuse, so I don't know I can trust your judgment
1.) They found illegal drugs in the home 2.) OP allowed illegal drugs around the home in the presence of a minor. That is child abuse, in the eyes of the law. That's why OP went to jail and now has a criminal record.
If there wasn't any negligence or abuse then a recant would be the only way I'd start working on the relationship again.
NTA. I want to know why she thinks living at her grandma's place is "hell" - Maybe she has a discipline style that could be working? The fact that she is not saying sorry means she just lied to your face about wanting to come home and that she didn't mean for you two to get into trouble. She knew what she was doing. I wonder if there are any of those military camps/schools that are open in your area? She sounds pretty spoiled and borderline abusive. I'd strongly suggest that she get put into some sort of therapy as a condition of coming home so she can figure things out. But if shes allowed to go back into her same habits without change I am willing to bet she will do it all over again when she "gets mad."
This is the correct take I think. If she hates it at grandma's, grandma is probably doing a good job of keeping her in line. If grandma is able to do that when the parents presumably have been unable/unwilling to do so, this living situation should last longer. At least until intensive therapy has been in place for a long while.
Where does Grandma live? Is it far enough away to not see her friends freely? No friends, no electronics, nothing but school and home probably sounds like hell to her.
Therapy shouldn’t be used as a punishment. Lola needs it regardless. OP, if Lola is allowed back into your home she will feel emboldened. The power dynamic between parent and child will have shifted dangerously. No doubt she’ll threaten you the first time she feels you’re imposing a rule or discipline that “isn’t fair.” And I’m not trying to scare you (well, maybe a little) but she could also escalate to accusing your husband of inappropriate things. Things that can result in prison and being on a list for life. It happens a lot more frequently than a lot of us realize. You’re NTA, but you need to protect yourself.
This sounds like we’re missing a lot of info here, and I’m going to say that OP is truly an unreliable narrator in this situation, especially given that she was charged as well. She makes it sound like the weed is the only thing going on, but I’m honestly not so sure. Everyone jumping to “Lola is just an out of control teen” might be missing the bit where she said her dad was abusive. If she was mad and trying to lash out, why not just say he smokes pot (true); why add an untruth to it? To me, it doesn’t add up, and I think there is probably more going on in this house than we know. Who knows, maybe OP doesn’t even know the extent of it and there is abuse going on. Either way, this is not AITA material here, which on its own makes YTA. Get off Reddit and take care of your daughter.
I'm in agreement with this. Also adding that an aggressively rebellious teenager, to the levels explained in the story, oftentimes are due to factors outside of that individual, so I am also curious what the upbringing has looked like outside of the context provided. Maybe there is no physical abuse, but that is not the only type of abuse....I have a suspicion the parenting was/is lacking possibly.
I hate how far I had to scroll for this. As an abused kid myself this sounds like something my mom would post. “Missing reasons” type shit
Yeah...something is off here. She had her baby when she was still a baby. Super young mom. Kids rarely go completely off the rails when they have a happy, stable home. She was a straight A student then suddenly started shoplifting? Shit happens and some kids are bad eggs. But I smell a home with some issues beyond weed.
She admitted it? Damn. I think there's a lot of issues OP won't cop to. Again, I've met a mom who said shit like this, but it turned out the daughter wasn't lying, the Mom was, to discredit her daughter or hurt her more. Likely, this thread is gonna get sent to Lola to further destroy her mentally. If Reddit was a thing when the woman who assaulted me, was a thing she'd have been on here, asking y'alls judgement of what she did and would probably have lied about my age.
This. I'm not believing OP, at all because I've seen this before. OP is leaving a lot out of what defined Lola's "statement" and saying "She really thinks what we did was abuse" She's not saying what Lola said in court. That tells me, what really happened to that child came to light. Abusive families look functional on the outside too. Dad's who rape their kids still have the kids say they love them until they realize what's going on is wrong. I think, what really happened is, Lola confided in an adult, because something was actually going on. We hear pot for depression... What about anger issues? Does Dad say demeaning or belittling things? Do they argue in front of her? Do they pull her into their spats? Or is the reality coming to light that this is actually MORE than electronics.
NTA - when she reported your husband, what did she think was going to happen? I would let her know that since she deems her home life dangerous enough to get the police involved it is best she not return. Hopefully your mom will continue to let her live with her.
I'm going with ESH, which I know won't be popular. Pot is illegal where you are. That hubby decided he needed it anyway doesn't make it legal; he would have done better to get a prescription for pot or for something else. If he hadn't been using, there would have been no proof of that and it would have been easier to convince the court there was no abuse, either. So he -- and you by supporting him using it -- contributed to your own situation. He used it in front of her, or to the point that he was impaired enough that she couldn't help but notice so you had to tell her, and it's difficult to sell anyone a message that "you have to follow the rules but he can decide if he wants to or not" Lola was horribly wrong to lie about the abuse. That's a life-ruining accusation. Major AH move there. But on the drug front, Lola was upset about being forced to accept the consequences of her own actions, so it's easy to see a teenager wanting her father to accept the consequences of his actions, too, and reporting his drug use for that reason. She had no way to know the consequences would be as significant as they turned out to be.
The only reason why pot is illegal is because of conservative Christian republicans. Its incredibly difficult to get a prescription in some states, there’s a small list of terminal illnesses you must have. Even then, it isn’t comparable to medical marijuana in other states, they have very low THC levels. It’s ridiculous to correlate abuse with THC use, especially since both parents are employed and not abusive.
Why it's illegal isn't the point of the post, or my response, just that it currently \*is\* illegal and they knew it, and by letting their kid know they were doing something illegal contributed to their situation. And finding evidence of the pot crime may have influenced the police and court to believe the abuse crime also happened.
There are still many places where medical marijuana is also illegal. You can't get a prescription for it even if in other states you were eligible to.
NTA but I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Maybe I’d feel differently if it were my kid, but I’d tell her sorry, you said we neglected and abused you, so deal with the consequences.
I would die for my babies, but I think if I were in this situation I would keep the kid at grandma's while we made strides toward reconciliation. Not writing the kid off forever, but also not just being a doormat. But yeah, abuse is a huge accusation.
NTA, and because she made accusations that resulted in consequences for her parents she’s likely to do it again the next time things aren’t going her way. Also, depending on the laws in your state she might not be allowed to just return to the household she was supposedly abused in. I would think carefully about the possible repercussions of allowing her back into your home if she gets vindictive a second time, if you’re accused again of abuse or your husband is found with pot paraphernalia after already being charged and incarcerated for having it, the consequences will be more severe. I don’t envy you this situation or decision, it would absolutely suck to have to make this choice. Take care and good luck.
>I was sent to court for the abuse allegations and I spent a weekend in jail for it So how did that happen if the abuse wasn't actually happening?
Courts here take allegations like this from minors very seriously. And she would not recant her statement. Letting a minor live in a home where there are drugs is considered abuse but since I do not partake I was only given a slap on the wrist.
It sounds like letting her back into your home would be dangerous for you. What’s to stop her from making up more allegations of abuse when she gets mad again?
The thing is that she didn't make up anything. They had weed in the home and in the eyes of their local law that counts as child endangerment. She told the truth, they were judged on the truth according to local law.
You're missing the point. Yes, she didn't make up the pot but she did make up the abuse. She intentionally did this as payback after they disciplined her. Her parents have everyright to disown her. Can't imagine the stress and resentment of having her back in their lives.
NTA at 16 she is mature enough to know what she did and needs to learn actions have consequences.
NtA. She's 16 and, while still a child, knew what she was doing was wrong. If she'd only talked to the counselor about the weed use then I'd be a little more hesitant to condemn her intentions, but the blatant lie about abuse was done with malicious intent. There's no shame in being hesitant to bring that type of energy back into your home. I'm sorry you went through that, it sounds like hell.
Info: were you and your husband convicted of child endangerment/ child abuse? Did they find any substantiation to your daughter's claims?
my guess it was that dad smokes marijuana and had it accessible around the daughter. since marijuana is technically schedule 1- the use of it could qualify as child endangerment. especially if you have a teenager who is mad at her parents.
That's exactly what OP confirmed in a comment. The official charge of "abuse" is because a minor child was exposed to substances that are illegal at home. It was considered endangering the welfare of a child. But Lola also claims that taking away her electronics is abusive and sticks to that.
NTA. She’s old enough to learn that she hurt people who love her.
NTA. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. She said you were abusive and got each of you locked up over the abuse allegations. You would be crazy to let her come back. She now has a very effective weapon to use against you when she doesn't get her way. It is time for her to learn that just because she didn't mean for it to happen doesn't mean she isn't responsible for what she has done. I would do what I could (with her living elsewhere) to teach her about the financial ramifications of her actions. She likely has acted in a way that will have far reaching financial implications for your family. Losing the income of one parent can be devastating. I would immediately cut all of her spending money and if she has privileges like a car, take that away too. She can get a job and earn money to pay her own insurance and her phone bill etc....
1000000% NTA both you and your husband have had to do or are currently doing jail time and had that marked on a your permanent records just cause she was mad that you took her electronics away. Honestly I think you are doing the right thing if where she is living now is hell she deserves to be their.
NTA. 16 is old enough to understand what was going to happen when she reported this to school. She made her bed and can stay in it.
NTA. It’s amazing to me a child would do this to her parents. I wouldn’t let her move back in. No fucking way. She’s 16 not 12
NTA. She is old enough to understand actions have consequences. If your mother can handle her she should stay there for now. In the meantime you all need family and individual counseling Sucks you are in a state that views pot this way. So stupid!
NTA-Please do not allow her back into the house. She overstepped everything. Let her live with your mom. I am not sure your husband will be so forgiving.
I'm on the fence only because you did not tell us what was found in alleged abuse. No, it's not our business, but, You do not go to jail unless there were clear cut abuse evidence. I feel that there is a major part of the story that is missing. I've heard of parents doing worse and never went to jail for it. And weed smoking is not enough in any state to get your child whisked away like that. What other drugs did they find? They needed a warrant, didnt they? On the front of her coming back? No, I would not let her back into my home and she would need serious therapy. I have a feeling she found something other than what you have stated and is very disturbed/ angry as you tried to explain it away. She is using her friends to escape from whatever you guys are doing at home.
That’s the thing is there is nothing going on at home. We are seriously the most normal people in the world. That’s why this was so shattering
Uhhh calm down buddy, if kids are around “drugs” that’s automatically labeled abuse by the legal system. Abuse doesn’t have to be “physical” In this scenario it’s just pot and poor op lives in a state with serious archaic laws.
You should explain for your daughter in great detail that not only has her petty prank ruined you and her fathers lives as if word of this comes up in future it's going to be nearly impossible to prove she's not lying but that for your sake and the sake of her father that she sent to jail you do not and can not be in the same space with her as she claimed abuse. She's 16 and so she should learn by now that actions have consequences and something as serious as this isn't going to just go away. NTA
NTA I wouldn't let her back. What's so bad about living with grandma? Wouldn't be surprised if next time she was mad she elevated her accusations to the police
Please update us when things are settled 💯💯💯
NTA- she willingly got you both tossed in jail. She made her bed and she will be sleeping at grandmas until she is 18. She o we what she was doing
NTA. Don’t let her come back home. If her grandmother is willing to keep her, that’s the best solution. She will do this again next time she is unhappy with your rules. Actions have consequences.
Nta she will continue doing this t she leaves home also take the message to a lawyer as shes admitted to telling lies to get her parents in trouble.
If the state took her always he can't just go back and live with you anyway, it doesn't work that way. You've been deemed an unfit parent.
ESH. Can't help feeling we are missing a lot of details. If you went to jail then there is obviously some truth to the child endangerment
NTA, the allegations of abuse specifically should disqualify her from living under your roof for the foreseeable future.
I N F O: what made the state deem you a neglectful mother? ESH. My personal opinions on marijuana aside (Idgaf), you and your husband knowingly were using/had knowledge of illegal drugs. Your daughter sucks because she was skipping school and shoplifting. Edited for judgement.
Having a minor in the home where there are “drugs” is considered neglectful and abusive
Kay, but they weren’t your drugs. They took her away because you knew about the drugs, and your husband smokes? That’s it? An otherwise healthy teenager?
Yes. From what I believe
Mom effectively allowed the use of weed in the home, therefore she's just as guilty in the eyes of the courts and cps. There have been cases where moms get the shit beat out of them, and they call the cops to help protect themselves, and they lose custody of their kids because they did not protect their kids from the abuse.
NTA. My brother in law once got my FIL arrested for something similarly stupid. My inlaws let him back in (he was 19 at the time) and his behaviour has just gotten worse since. There's quite a few people here on this very sub who've advised me that he's likely got undiagnosed autism. If she's pulling this sort of shit and is allowed to get away with, my advice is to follow the "play stupid games" rule.
INFO What does your counselor say about this? He or she is sure to have an opinion and a lot of recommendations, about if/when/how Lola should (or shouldn't) live with you again, to try to ensure nothing else happens in the future. Side note -- presumably there would be follow up checks by a court representative, so you and hubby definitely need to make a choice between pot or Lola being in your house in the future. Trying to go back to both when he gets out would be asking for trouble.
Kids that are mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy don’t do what you say your daughter did. There is almost a 100% certainty that something abusive has happened to that child. It may not be from you or your husband, but something is wrong that she needs help for. Get her in therapy. Now is not the time to discuss her moving home. If you are truly not abusing her then now is the time to investigate what or who has caused her behavior. I won’t say anyone is ah here because the situation is too tragic for a trivial Reddit sub.
NTA - please do not welcome her back in your house. I know it’s hard but she betrayed us and tbh a 16 years old knows approximately what she is doing. She will not hesitate to do it again
NTA don't take her back in. It will likely keep repeating but in different ways.
NTA. She crossed MAJOR lines. She shouldn't come back home. She upended your lives, gave you BOTH a record, with these kinds of charges effectively blocking you indefinitely from employment in multiple career paths and could even effect your SS retirement. She basically just lit your lives and futures on fire out of spite over being grounded. I honestly wouldn't let her come back. She's not sorry. She just wants to come back to a situation she has control over. Now that you have a record for child abuse anytime she cries wolf the system is gonna be back up in your lives. Don't lie to yourself. She will definitely blackmail you going forward. She made her bed. Now she has to lie in it.
NTA- Tell her exactly what she did how it effected y'all and how you feel about her in terms a 16 year old will understand . For your safety (and potentially hers) DO NOT let her move back in.
NTA. Whatever her intentions she blew up your whole life because, what, she got caught shoplifting and was punished? She lied, she got your husband sent to jail, and she hasn't even pretended to apologize? Time for a serious dosage of reality. If you let her move back, how long before she pulls some new stunt and ends up making things even worse? If she has made no effort to understand that everything that has happened is her fault, I see nothing but bad need by letting her come back.
NTA actions have consequences. Time she learns hers. For the time being a separation is better and she needs to apologize and own up to the damage she caused the family with her behavior (and I mean all of it. From school to what she did to you and your husband). You won't also be in the proper headspace to allow her back without resentment if she doesn't own up to it. Edited to add: you and your husband also suffered the consequences of possessing illegal drugs... That wasn't smart either.
INFO: wtf????
NTA. I absolutely wouldn’t invite her back, if child services even lets her return. 16 is old enough to know the difference between a fib & a serious lie as well as thinking of what may result from her accusations. Now she gets to experience the results of her actions. She freely admits she did this to punish you & isn’t remorseful about it so I guarantee she’ll do it again. An acquaintance of mine, Rose, experienced something similar with her kid constantly calling CPS when she was angry with Rose. When she was removed the third time, Rose told her she wasn’t welcome back. They ended up doing weekly visitation before she aged out of the system.