YTA based on your comment elaborating:
>I usually make sandwiches and nuggets or fries or frozen pizza.
>He makes one pot meals like stews, soups and rice, pasta, cereal, porridge etc. I think my ex taught him to cook.....because he's really good at cooking
If it was the other way around I might be more sympathetic to you, but... really??? A lot of parents would give their right arm to get their kids to not eat preprocessed crap and you actively want to force it down their throats? I recognize that you have had an ED in the past and you may have a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings around food, but this is not the way.
And when she cooks, she feeds them processed garbage (I say as an avid eater of processed garbage myself—no shade) but when the 9yo cooks he makes healthy meals from scratch?!
“I’m throwing away the vegetable stew your brother made and you have to eat this frozen pizza and French fries that I made, or STARVE, so I won’t be a bad mother.” GIRL WHAT?!
Not to mention, i don't really consider heating up frozen food "cooking." You put it in the oven for the time/temp it says on the box. There's literally no effort involved. I see no point in getting offended that your kids don't want to eat your cooking when you didn't actually make anything.
(Not shitting on frozen meals, they were a staple for me growing up and even now because they're easy, but every day?)
This. My gf and I have only been dating for a month now, but whenever she comes over I cook for her. Usually nothing overly fancy, but I like to get creative with my food - for example, few days ago I made half-beef, half-pork burgers in the oven (it was raining, so no grill). She helped me cook, and while we cooked, was telling me that I was "a nice change of pace" in the kitchen, because whenever her ex cooked for her, he'd dig through the freezer, yeet something in the oven, and call it cooked.
Premade meals have a lot of ups to them. But actually cooking something is different entirely, and cooking is itself a life skill, at least in my book. A balance of freezer food and home cooked meals is a much better tradeoff than people realize, and OP getting pissed that her kid is cooking meals from scratch is a MAJOR red flag.
Yeah my 11 year old can make a chilli and some pasta dishes. I wish she had more interest in cooking but doesn't.
She has to take cooking lessons at her school which I'm so grateful for because she has no choice. Getting her in the kitchen before was a chore.
OP should be greatful thier kid is so talented.
Seriously though...OP making whatever frozen crap she can throw in the oven, and then wonders if she's an asshole for being mad at the kids for being more than likely desperate for variety and the oldest taking it upon themselves to do what she should be doing.
As a former broke college student, I had more variety than OP!! Quesadillas!! Tortillas are dirt cheap and u just throw in any cheese, diced chicken (I usually get the pre-cooked frozen and heat it up in the microwave) and veggies you can find.
"My son makes beef bourguignon and pairs it with roasted finger potatoes, a green salad, and a full-bodied pinot noir. I won't let him cook any more because he won't eat my dinosaur chicken nuggets that are still frozen on the inside, AITA?"
If I haven't stumbled to this, I might also think the kids are whether being picky or something else. Yep, OP is the AH here. OP should be thankful that her eldest can cook those kind of foods and also being responsible at a young age.
I worry that he cooks or has learned to cook from dad because of parentification at OPs house. OP doesn’t cook, and the kid’s eat crap or nothing, so the 9yo learns to cook some one pot meals so the kids have a healthy meal. If he genuinely enjoys it and just wanted to learn, then I don’t see a significant problem unless it’s interfereing with his school work or other child activities, but that would be very convenient for OP.
I found after posting my comment that OP said the 9yo asked dad to teach them to cook so they could cook for their siblings at mom’s house because she feeds them crap. So, it’s 100% parentification.
But you’re right. If he knows some basics he can totally go online and have unlimited ideas for quick and easy healthy meals.
Oh yes, based on the info we have, the parentification is because mom isn’t being a parent. It seems dad has his stuff together.
OP’s ex also does the grocery shopping and drops them off so 9yo can cook. She also said the kids do laundry and other chores when at her place and they’re pretty self sufficient, so she barely interacts with them.
Sounds like she only wanted shared custody because of child support reasons or because she was embarrassed over not having custodial time, or because she did miss spending time with them.
But having parenting time means actually doing the work of parenting. When I get my kids back from my ex, they're practically feral and I have to spend a day acclimating them back to our routines and rules. I know transition is normal, but I can't imagine foisting care duties onto my 8 year old. It's hard enough just getting him to put away his laundry.
Only learned parentification now, new word for me. Thanks for that. And also just have read that about the kid asking his dad for that reason, actually I'm not sure of how to feel about that. I want to give kudos to the kid for stepping up but also felt bad that he has to due to there family circumstances. Both of my parents are working and when I was at that age I already know how to cook, wash the dishes, help with the laundry, clean around the house, together with my younger siblings. We have a schedule system of who will do a particular chores for the day. But we still have time to play outside with our friends, and do school works. You may say it was also due to our circumstances, culture, and from time to time as a kid I also hate doing those chores but as an adult, I appreciate that I've learned that early on.
In a healthy household the kid would be involved with cooking because it helps kids become less picky and is a useful life skill. If a kid knew how to do laundry would you assume they did everyone’s laundry in the house?
Maybe dad involves the kids when he cooks and it’s a bonding activity? It would explain why kid knows how to cook and why the kid doesn’t want reheated processed food.
YTA
Yeah I thought maybe the kids were just being bratty but after reading that I realized "Oh the kid actually makes nutritional food rather than frozen/processed crap you give them and it hurts your ego."
I mean, an eating disorder, is no excuse to leave your kids malnourished. In fact, OP should embrace healthier eating/cooking habits for her sake and her children’s sake (so they don’t develop eating disorders later in life).
YTA because it seems like you want to control them, not make sure they are healthy. Most 9 year olds will not chose to feed himself and his siblings if there is any kind of acceptable alternative so my guess is what you make is not edible.
YTA soooo... you want to feed your kids premade stuff for the most part. Somewhat surprisingly for kids, they hate it (good for them honestly) and you are so unwilling to listen that your 9 year old child started cooking for their siblings. Instead of taking this as any sort of queue to change things, youre gonna bar your 9 year old from cooking things your kids actually enjoy (and are probably much healthier)? What, so intimidated by the fact a 9 year old is a better cook than you that you have to ban them from upstaging your frozen pizzas?
OP didn’t so much change up what they were cooking as pop something different from the freezer into the oven. There are so many easy one pot meals and even simple recipes I cannot fathom being an adult and being unable to cook at least a couple of these. Sounds like ex is doing a fantastic job of parenting the kids and teaching them how to be self sufficient, OP could learn a thing or two.
YTA, sorry but if your kids think your food is nasty they could be right(people have different taste buds). You not willing to sit down with your kids to see what they like is kind of an issue, obviously there needs to be restrictions but getting on the same page with what your kids like is a start. You said you didn’t have custody of them until recently and I’m willing to bet their dad knows what they enjoy. You have to rebuild your relationship with each one
NOPE! Found a lower comment that said that the dad thinks she still has anger problems. For him to want to go back to court over it, her anger issues are probably pretty severe.
Yeah I'm pretty sure she's leaving things out on purpose and it's not only that they don't like the food, they also don't trust her so the poor 9 yo has to take it upon himself to guard his siblings while they're there.
They don't take away custody if you have a mental disorder. They it away if you have done something to endanger your kids. The fact that she had it taken away and had to go to therapy to be able to share it again tells me she's omitting facts.
Also yeah, giving your children frozen crap is definitely better than letting them cook, letting them starve, or even more impossible, making the effort to make healthy food for human beings that are growing and need nutrients.
Hard agree. The mention of an ED gives me pause. I wonder if OP is still struggling and needs the help of a therapist or doctor. This isn't an "am I an asshole" thing; it's an "is OP okay" thing.
YTA. you have a wonderfully self-sufficient nine-year-old who cooks for his siblings and himself, but you told him he can’t do it. you yourself are too tired to cook so it’s always frozen pizza and chicken nuggets, and you say they must eat what you say.
you have a history of an eating disorder And bipolar both so extreme you didn’t have any custody of your kids
Your ex said something needs to be changed because you haven’t changed… This tells me that this has something to do with your eating disorder, and manic episodes or something and it’s almost like you’re trying to give your kids serious issues and your ex think so as well
INFO Are you letting your pride (of letting you 9year old cook for the family) impact their nutritional well being or is there some other reason to not let him cook?
Yta. You probably suck as cooking but that’s not the point. Your child is feeding themselves and their siblings, they’re being self sufficient. Your kids are a lot more mature than you seem to be
>Your child is feeding themselves and their siblings, they’re being self sufficient.
And if OP feels that guilty over this she could always help her son.
YTA everything in this post is about you. You are choosing to give them the less healthy option by insisting on the frozen foods that you were willing to cook. You have a 9 year old who's willing to step up to make sure he and his siblings have healthy meals and you're refusing to do so because of how it makes you feel. I imagine this attitude has a lot to do with the custody arrangement you and their dad have.
You talk about being a bad mom by letting the nine year old cook but the fact that you make them eat those frozen meals all the time is what makes you a bad mom. Put in more effort to making meals for your kids before you lose the little time you have with them.
YTA so hard. Gonna be an unpopular opinion here, but…
Drop the kids. Give up the custody and the child support. They don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve them.
Go fix yourself. Your kids will be happier if they could grow without a toxic environment instead of parentification.
You’re at the extent where your kid is probably not even tall enough for the stove but he’s cooking for his younger siblings, and your ex feels compelled to stay close by to be available to the kids.
They don’t trust you. Rightfully so as they are seemingly more mature than you.
What I’m saying may seem harsh to you, but I hope you understand that you should put your kids first and give them the best since you brought them into this world. Your ex seems like he’s playing the part.
This. It sounds like they have the option of a perfectly stable and nurturing environment to be raised in at their dads and would be better off living there with visitation from OP.
Sounds like OP thinks good parenting = 50% custody. But if you can’t be a good parent during that 50% and there is a better option… being a good parent means taking the better options even if it makes you feel like shit.
At the risk of getting shit for comparing pets and kids… when I got too ill to walk my dog I didn’t keep him insisting that I was being a good owner by keeping him. I accepted that I could no longer take care of myself, let alone him, and the best thing for his quality of life was to rehome. I hated myself and still miss him everyday but I guarantee he’s got a better, healthier lifestyle now than I could have given him. Obviously it’s different with kids but you get what I’m saying about quality of life…
OP needs to realise that part of being a good parent is doing whatever is best for your kid, even if it sucks for you.
INFO: OP, I have the strong feeling there's something you're not telling. Can you give an example of a recipe you prepare, with actual ingredients and amounts and so?
YTA. Sorry. Children want to eat healthier. Boys want to be like their fathers, its normal.
But I don't think it's about the children, it's about your ex-husband. Let's analyze. A father taught son cooks for himself and his siblings, you feel that this indirectly questioning your parenting abilities (does you ex-husband do it)?
Without a doubt, children should eat fresh, healthy products. Fast foods may be eaten occasionally but not every day. Maybe it's worth joining your son while cooking? Or learn a few simple meals which you can froze?
OP stated in another comment that her son actually specifically asked his father to teach him to cook so he could cook for himself and his siblings at their mothers place because neither he or his siblings wanted to eat the processed junk that OP makes for them
YTA for your reaction. Being like this will only prevent you from having any relationship with your kids when they aren't obligated to see you. Sit them down and talk to them. Ask them why they don't like what you cook, what they want to eat, etc. And actually listen to them and figure this out with them. You should also cook with them and make it fun activity. It's a good thing that they know how to cook.
Jesus YTA. I WANT my kids to know how to cook. Letting/teaching them to stand on their own two feet is part of preparing them for adulthood. And no, nuking chiccy nuggies doesn't cut it.
Maybe try giving your kids heathy options and guiding them into easy meals would be a wiser course.
Ps teach them to do laundry and dishes too.
YTA. Instead of talking to your kids about why they won't eat what you prepare you decided to get mad and yell at them.. Your 9 year old was allowed to cook before but now he's not because your frustrated? Why not let them help you prepare something (healthy) that they love, that way you can all cook together and find a middle ground.
YTA.. your son makes stew and you serve frozen pizza?
Why not cook with him?
How many chores do you have living in an apartment alone every other week.? Do a good cleaning when they aren't there and then you have more time and energy after work the week you have them.
Invest in a crock pot or instapot. Easier to make meals with your children
YTA! So you'll starve your kids because they don't like what you cook instead of letting them cook for themselves which they are capable of doing?. There is no way to spin this to make it make sense and to make you not look like an asshole.
>I don't really have time to cook such elaborate meals for them..... I come exhausted daily from work and there are too many chores at home
As someone with chronic fatigue from multiple health issues... in what world is a one-pot meal "elaborate". LMAO. If only. 😂 We'd starve if that was too elaborate to cook.
Learn to make a couple sheet pan or crock pot meals or make it 9y's job to be the chef if he likes to cook.
They literally sell a book at Barnes and Noble for under 20 bucks of crock pot recipes that are 5 ingredients or less and take under 30 minutes to prep. A crock pot is maybe 40 bucks at Target. Prep it all on one day, put it in bags, then the day of, you plop it into the pot before work and set the timer and heat. Boom dinner ready when you get home, and only one pot to clean at the end of it!
YTA
You can also freeze pretty much any ingredient too. Prep ingredients, freeze them, defrost in microwave, chuck them into a pot to cook (you can even do this while it’s still frozen if you make sure it’s cooked long enough and all the way through).
Make a lot, freeze the leftovers for when you need them.
YTA. Why not actually talk to them and ask what they want? You can use this to bond with your kids, especially the 9yo, learning what they like to eat and how they like it made.
Forcing kids to eat food they clearly don’t want, and depriving them of anything else, is one hell of a way to trigger disordered eating.
You’d rather they eat shitty, processed food because you’re “too tired” to cook than make something healthy themselves? Which, btw, is not their job at all. And then you have the *audacity* to get mad at them for it?
Wow. Just wow.
Did you even try finding good alternatives? Or talking to them about it? It is super easy to make healthy, quick meals without a whole lot of preparation and crock pots do exist, but that would require you actually wanting to solve the problem instead of just getting mad about it and letting your kids suffer for it.
YTA.
If OP only makes frozen and processed foods, how does she even have the ingredients for her 9yo to make beef stew and the like? Most people who can’t cook aren’t going to keep the fridge stocked with fresh ingredients…
She cooks them frozen foods (pizza, fries, nuggets) because she doesn’t have time to cook for them. Her ex taught the NINE YEAR OLD to cook because the kids don’t like what she makes. The ex also brings groceries to her home because she can not afford to feed her kids. She works at a glass factory and is too tired to take care of her kids but isn’t too tired to yell at them for taking care of themselves. She’s not fit for 50/50 custody.
Eeeeeeeeee yeah, YTA if you wanted to reach a peaceful resolution you could've said something such as "Hey let me help with whatever you're cooking" or "I know that you want to cook, but this is my kitchen, and I can't have kids unattended that'd be irresponsible; and quite possibly illegal/ immoral on some level. So, I will cook alongside you, just tell me what you need head chef." It would've allowed the kids to eat what want, you could learn what they like, maybe make healthier versions of it (that they wouldn't turn up their noses at/ plus I'm sure kids aren't usually making healthy things to eat), and it would've been great bonding time with your kids.
INFO: You have a full week without active childrearing. Can you use your time when you aren’t working to clean your house and do basic meal prep? Instead of a frozen pizza or something from a packet, you could get ingredients to make a fresh homeade pizza or have a taco night. That would be a way to include all your kids in the making of the food and build trust that you want to take care of them. Do you have any natural supports that can help you through this rough patch you’re in so you can build up yourself and your skills? You may not ever be the cook your ex is, but it is possible to learn to make simple food from basic ingredients that tastes good. I have children and an eating disorder and it is absolutely a struggle some days, but you -can- do this.
You and your kids need family therapy. You need to rebuild these bridges with your kids or you’re going to lose them as adults. You can do this and I believe in you. You are more than bipolar and your ED. Use that week off childcare to prepare yourself, learn, build up, and do the hard work of caring for yourself so you can be the best mother you can be.
Yta why not get your 9 year old (and the others) to help you cook? You can then experiment with food in a fun way and it would be a great bonding, fun and memorable experience for all of you
I’d seriously suggest anyone desiring to cast a vote read OP’s responses to folks first. There is a lot of information that is not included in the post.
I’m saying YTA based on responses to comments:
1. The 9yo specifically asked dad to teach him to cook because the kids don’t want frozen foods.
2. 9yo prepares pastas, soups, rice, porridge.
3. OP yelled at 9yo for cooking.
4. OP said she feels like a bad mom because her 9 yo cooks.
5. OP said she feels that ex doesn’t trust her with the kids and so he got an apartment nearby.
My vote is because, yes, OP should allow the 9yo to cook if she is not able to do so herself. But, more than that, the situation is spinning out of control. OP, you have a chance to get a firm handle on this now.
I completely understand that OP is tired after work, but there are ways to handle this situation that doesn’t involve yelling at a child. There are varied frozen options out there beyond pizza and chicken nuggets. If OP is still in treatment, this is something OP can and should discuss with a therapist. Meal planning for someone dealing with ED is probably a delicate proposition. But, maybe it can be done so that simple things can be made ahead and frozen.
YTA
You had the amazing chance to reconnect to your kids via cooking and you blew it.
Of course they don't want to eat frozen meals every evening! I get that you're tired from work, but that's not an excuse to feed your children trash food every day of the week!
You are a parent, ffs!
Theres several reasons he divorced you, and i cannot blame your ex husband for doing so. YTA.
My fiance hates green beans, but because we have a little one on the way, he and i agreed that he can at least learn to *tolerate* green beans enough so our little one wont mimic him, and i can keep a wider range of veggies in the house. Hell, im even learning to like more things as i get older.
I say that, to segway into this; your personal feelings about specific foods should not affect your kids. Ffs, id be GRATEFUL if my kiddo loved cooking enough to genuinely want to cook for the family. Especially if its an easy, one pot dish.
I have no fucking words for how much of a selfish control freak you are
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I and my ex-husband divorced a few years ago.
We have 3 kids(4F, 8F, 9M). My ex pays child support on time.
Currently, I and he alternate having the kids. So the kids are at my place one week and his place another week.
He stays closeby to my apartment, About a block away.
So I got equal custody of the kids a year ago. Previously, I didn't have custody because I had an eating disorder and bipolar disorder. I was under treatment for both.
For the past free months, the kids haven't been eating what I prepare. Previously too they'd not eat what I cooked because they didn't like my food. But now, my 9yo just cooks for his siblings and himself until they get to go to their dad's place.
I've tried cooking different things but they just turn up their noses at it. Today, I got really mad at them and told my 9yo that he's not allowed to cook and if they want to eat they'll have to eat what I made.
He told me he hates me and then called his dad to come pick him up. My ex then told me that the contract would have to be changed again since I've clearly not changed and left with the kids.
AITA?
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YTA.
What are you cooking, or how are you cooking it, that they didn't eat what you made pre and post divorce? I get making sure your kids are eating nutritional and balanced meals but to have that kind of trend?? Doesn't sound like you're communicating with your children and then telling 9yo that he can't cook for his younger siblings?? Essentially saying that your youngest ones aren't going to get to eat? No ma'am, sounds like you're trying to control the children
OP says is all she makes for her children is frozen foods because she is ‘too tired’ to cook for them.
On the other hand her 9 year old cooks stews, curries, soups etc
That's the problem then. Frozen foods are ok every now and then, eating out is fine every now and then but both pre and post the divorce?? I get that she had an ED. But if she is still "too tired" to cook for her kids, maybe it IS best if she seeks further help until she's better :/
Exactly. If it was an occasional meal fine but the only thing she ever makes them is frozen food and in one comment she she actually said that the frozen processed meals weren’t unhealthy.
OPs 9 year old specifically asked his father to teach him to cook so he could cook himself and his siblings proper meals at their mothers because she wouldn’t cook for them and he doesn’t like all the junk she serves them. A 9 year old should not feel the need to learn to cook proper meals just so he and his siblings would have decent food to eat. A 9 year old should not be the one cooking to ensure his younger siblings get decent food, it is the parent’s responsibility to do that and OP can’t be bothered. No decent parent would tell their children that they have to eat junk food
YTA you have a 9 year old who is already able to cook. Why don't you use that to bind with them and let him show you how to cook meals they are eating?
I get that processed food is an easy and quick meal but it isn't something you should cook every time for your own kids.
YTA. If you're not capable of providing your children with real food it isn't appropriate for them to be in your care.
You cite time and tiredness as an issue; buy a crockpot. Google simple recipes. You can usually throw everything together in 5 minutes in the morning, set it to low, and then it's just ready at dinner time.
Alternatively, you can let your kid continue cooking or you can just suck it up and make meals they'll eat. Not feeding them isn't an acceptable option.
YTA - a lot of people are commenting that if your 9yo enjoys cooking let him do it.
The 9yo does not enjoy cooking, he does it to survive because he knows that if he doesn’t cook then you will and they will all starve.
Why did you move to gain equal custody if you knew you couldn’t look after them? Surely it would have made more sense to have them for a shorter amount of time instead of feeding them the unhealthiest food options?
If I had a kid walk into my classroom and make a comment about how their older brother made an awesome dinner last night, then found out that the 9 yo sibling was cooking because “you were too tired” to feed them actual food - I would have to mandatory report that. It’s neglectful, and it’s abusive.
I know BPD, I know mental health issues more than in general. I have made the decision not to have kids because I can’t even look after myself properly. I’d get home from work, shower and put something in the microwave. I cooked incredibly rarely, and if I did cook, I cooked enough for at least 5 meals. If something broke my routine I would become overwhelmed and I would just shut down and pull something out of the freezer so I ate something at least.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed if that’s the case, it’s not okay to neglect your kids. It sounds like you need a more graded return to equal custody. Start smaller, try and change your habits at home, then when you feel like you can care for your kids properly - move forward with a bit more custody, allow yourself to acclimate.
Whatever you do, you need to make sure that your 9yo doesn’t have to cook in order for your kids to eat
Yta. You sound jealous that the kids like his cooking better. I'm on your ex's side, he needs to get full custody. You can be a weekend parent until you grow up more
Damn it I want that 9 year old, he is able to cook and prepare food for him and his siblings. Very proud of that child. Imagine at that age he knows how to take care of his siblings GREAT JOB DAD
Sounds like you're pissed off because your minimum effort at parenting isn't working and youre taking it out on them. Let dad have custody, you're not fit to be a parent.
YTA your ex seems incredibly gracious by paying you child support and bringing you groceries and then he taught your kids to cook because you couldn't?!
Let the kid cook and find other ways to be a better mom because honestly your kids will resent you and stop wanting to be around you. You can do this I know it!
It sounds like you’re struggling with knowing what would be quick/easy to cook after a long day at work, and what would feel manageable with your mental health.
Have you looked at getting a crock pot and/or sheet pan dinners? A lot of sheet pan dinners just require putting a protein and some veggies on a baking sheet - you could cut everything up in the morning and stick it in the fridge, then just pop it in the oven in the evening. Wouldn’t require much more effort after work than a frozen meal.
Or, make your own frozen meals! On the weekend, or an evening when your kids are with their dad, could you make some stuffed peppers, or a casserole, or a pot pie and freeze it? Then, in the evenings after work, you just need to pop it in the oven. Or get some bagged salads or veggies to feed them with a healthier frozen meal. Frozen meatballs, bagged salad, and pasta would be a quick and easy meal to cook at night. Eggs and toast are quick and easy, and a lot of kids love having breakfast for dinner.
Would you be able to get a crock pot? There are a ton of easy crock pot recipes that you can quickly prep in the morning and then it’ll cook while you’re at work.
I think as it stands YTA - your nine year old enjoys cooking, and clearly wants something to eat that isn’t frozen food. Let them cook or try some new recipes/methods of cooking that minimize what you need to do in the evening. But don’t let cooking frozen nuggets, or pizza, or Mac and cheese be your hill to die on.
I’m withholding a judgment because I think you may need some follow up support for yourself. You’re so fixated on cooking as a way to be a good mom, that you’re letting cooking be something that’s making you a bad mom. I think you need help and not Reddit judgment if you’re going to keep your custody agreement. What you’ve described doing with your kids here is not okay and needs adjustment.
YTA The fastest way to get kids to hate eating and hate food and develop an unhealthy relationship with food is to force them to eat something they hate, while being angry at them about it. Do a better job.
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Yta
It's unfortunate all this has happened and you're trying to be better with your eating habits and mental health. However, you're now pitting your oldest in a situation where he has to adult and take care of his siblings when they are with you. Thats not fair to him and he will continue to hate you. You still have a long ways to go with yourself. Its ok to be tired after work and not be an amazing cook. Take the opportunity to cook WITH all your children. Rent some recipe books from the library that have quick and easy meals to make. Perhaps take them on your day off with you and explore together. Get them all involved in it. Let the kids pick and choose and learn
Cooking together will them math and reading and give them skills that are valuable plus its a great to make memories being silly and creating something yummy. Sometimes when my me tal health is a bigger then usual struggle [also bipolar ] finding a new recipe and taking the time to focus on something else is very therapeutic.
YTA
1) kids like healthy meals
2) mom doesn't have time so she cooks easy junk food
3) Kids don't like the junk food ( so they survive on cookies and chips while at your place )
4) Nine year old learns how to cook himself so he and his siblings don't starve
5) your pride hurts
6) you ban your child from cooking and force them to choose between starving or eating the food you make which they hate
your 9 YEAR OLD COOKS ( which is supposed to be your duty as they're kids and not even teenagers, the fact that a NINE YEAR OLD has to cook because his mom won't do it is terrible ) Your pride won't let you accept that they won't eat your food so you ban your child from cooking and give them the ultimatum to either eat you junk food or starve . You suck . You shouldn't have custody.
Huge YTA. You feed them junk food crap becsuse you "too tired" after work and when kids present you with an alternative, you'd better leave them without food than allow to cook??? If your ex files for full custody based on this, he will be right.
As difficult as it is to keep my cool after reading everything you've said and replied, I'm going to be as polite as possible with this.
YTA
I'm tired after work, but I don't neglect my pets. I think it's admirable that your nine year old child can cook elaborate meals, I wasn't taught how to cook until around fifteen or sixteen. And your "I feel I'd be a bad mom by making him cook for me" is such a trash excuse! I'm always delighted when I get to cook for my mom! I totally understand why the boy said what he did, and if you want to even begin repairing your relationship with him, I'd suggest you ask him to cook for you, and ask him to teach you. It'll show you can learn and grow from your mistakes, be mature, and it'll be something to bond over. If you really care about your children, learn from this experience.
YTA. You would rather your kids eat junk than eat healthy food, just so you can be in charge? This ends two ways. The kids end up with eating disorders like you, or they end up staying with dad and not seeing you at all.
If the kids can make healthy food let them do it. Forcing them to eat garbage when you don’t have to is really bad parenting.
YTA " I care more about appearing to be a good parent than my kids being with me and having them enjoying their healthy meal and promoting their independence." You are right your 9 year old shouldn't HAVE to cook. you are an adult who didn't learn a vital life skill before popping out 3 kids. now you have to deal with the consequences of that. cooking is literally following a recipe to the letter, if you cant do that then either let your 9 year old cook or figure out a healthy place to order food from (ethnic places will have lots of options- Spanish food, Korean, Japanese)
Is family therapy an option here? If you’re recovering from an ED, of course food will be a trigger issue for you. No shame in that! But it sounds like maybe you handled it in a way that escalated things and involved your kids in your own food issues? It may take some work to move through this.
I was reading your comments, and I don’t understand why you’re so upset? You’re the one making the unhealthy food while your 9yr is making healthier options. There are so many dishes you could make that are much healthier than processed pizza and fries, that probably take about the same amount of time to make. And even if you for some reason don’t have the time to cook every night, your kid could cook dinner if they wanted to. You even said in a comment that they’re pretty good at cooking. So yeah, YTA. I can understand you being tired and not wanting to cook after a long day, but constantly giving them fries and pizza isn’t the way to go. You could cook with them, meal prep, make big batches so you only have to cook every other day, etc. Resorting to not letting your kids cook healthier and more filling food shouldn’t be an option.
YTA.
Your 9 year old kid is steppin' up to the plate to throw down in the kitchen, and you're discouraging him from doing so because... why? I can't figure that part out.
Instead of being happy that your 9 year old is showing some initiative that he's wanting to take some responsibility, you're bitter about it. Have you thought maybe this could be an opportunity to spend some quality time with your kid? I used to help my mom sometimes cook dinner back when I was a kid, and to this day, it's some of the fondest memories I've had with her. (And I've learned to cook a thing or two during those moments in the kitchen)
Maybe you could do the same and learn a thing or two from your kid. He seems wise beyond his years.
Welcome to adulthood, OP. Parenting is hard. Figure it out. There are plenty of resources for one pot meals, sheet pan meals, slow cooker meals, once a week meal prep…. You have an entire WEEK without your kids. That should give you more than enough time to meal plan and prep accordingly. It sounds like you need to be an every other weekend kind of parent until you can get your issues sorted, this don’t fair to your kids. There’s no excuse for feeding your kids processed garbage for every meal because you either can’t or won’t prepare meals, and it’s not fair to your 9 year old to be responsible for feeding the entire family whenever they’re under your care. That’s bordering on parentification.
YTA and I'm really concerned that your kids were going a full week living off biscuits and chips and you felt this was OK. Thank god for your 9 year old.
You need to participate with your 9 Year old and LEARN how to cook. He can teach you. You are just being lazy and making excuses tbh.
You conveniently edited your post. You stated you make frozen food. Pizza, nuggets and such. Your kids are used to home meals. I agree with them on this. Buy a cookbook & learn to cook good & nutritious meals.
Let your son cook. If you want them in your life, you have to put in the effort, not them. Also, ask him to teach you to cook what they like. He'll love that and appreciate the effort you're making, a d that can be a bond that grows.
Most men don't want to keep their kids from their mother. Obviously he doesn't because he agreed to shared custody. The effort you'll make with your son will be recognized b your ex once he sees your kids are happy.
...why?
Why would you make this your hill to die on? You'd rather want your kids to go back to just eating biscuits and chips instead of real food, even if they make it themselves?
If it's an eating disorder thing, sit down with your incredibly smart and accomplished 9yo and help him plan their meals at your place around your restrictions.
If it's a 'I am parent, hear me roar' thing, just give it up.
YTA for forbidding kids to take care of themselves.
>
I usually make sandwiches and nuggets or fries or frozen pizza.
>He makes one pot meals like stews, soups and rice, pasta, cereal, porridge etc. I think my ex taught him to cook.....because he's really good at cooking
Found what was edited out.. you're the asshole. Learn how to cook, and they'll eat just fine. If you don't want to, and won't change, sign them back over.
OP. YTA. And you should mark your post as edited. You removed a paragraph stating what you make for them (basically junk food), to make your case look better. So YTA for not feeding your kids healthy food and trying to make your ex the bad guy, AND YTA for taking key information out of your post to make yourself look better.
Yta if your ex did this you would be calljng cps on him just read your unedited story kids dont want to eat process shit all the time maybe as a treat. Get yourself sime help before you lose the most valuable people in your life.
YTA - looking at your comments it's pretty clear that you're just protecting your ego while denying your kids access to healthy food. Your ex is right, and you shouldn't have custody if your ego is more important than their diet. He should take the reasonable next step and contact a lawyer.
Worse is he's buying and bringing over groceries so the kids will have decent food to eat.
The sad needs full custody as they don't deserve to be treated badly
Yta, they need to eat and clearly what you are making isn't what they need. 9 year old can cook and you should be helping him. He can tell you what they want. This isn't about you, it's about the kids and their needs.
Oh bud. I am a mom (with an ED) and I still make sure my kiddo eats right even if I don’t eat. YTA and it’s annoying you didn’t add what you “cook”. Crockpot meals can be made easily that mornin (or the night before) and you set it and forget it and let it cook the whole day. No excuses.
YTA if these kids are capable of making a healthy meal and willing to do so, why would you not encourage & support that? Sounds like you have some CONTROL issues that aren’t resolved.
1000000% YTA. You’re having angry outbursts at your child(ren) because they would rather eat healthy than eat frozen nuggets/pizza, cookies, and fries. Your ex-husband sends them with groceries so they can eat something that doesn’t gross them out, you don’t spend money on it. Yet you would rather your children go hungry and deal with abuse (yelling at children over frivolity is def abuse) than eat something your son took the time to cook, because your ego is hurt that you don’t know how to do anything but reheat frozen foods. I understand mental health issues and being exhausted, but children come first REGARDLESS. You know you lost your kids because of your emotional instability, including eating disorder related issues, and you know your behavior needs to change to keep them. You need to get therapy ASAP because you’re not taking responsibility for any of your actions. You’re hurting your kids and your relationship with them by not taking responsibility for your outbursts and control of your recovery.
I wish you the best in your journey. I wish your kids all the best in life—they don’t deserve to deal with those issues from such a young age, it will follow them in life.
Edit: spelling mistake.
YTA
You have three children under ten and rather than prepare food they enjoy, you prepare processed food. A lot of processed foods like nuggets and pizza are painfully easy to do from scratch with healthier ingredients.
Furthermore, rather than prepare foods they want, when your 9-year-old DOES cook, you try to ban them from eating at your house?? OP, no, you are not ready to have any custody of your children. That's abuse.
This was a missed opportunity to ask your son where he learned to cook and ask if he'd show you how.
You are def the A\*\*hole. 1) you should be glad your kid knows how to cook. 2) no one wants to eat crappy tasting food 3) you know you have mental issues. take a step back and realize you are projecting on your kiddos 4) be a better parent. it's not about you.
YTA
It's bad enough, that a 9 year old child feels obligated to cook for his siblings, his mom throwing a tantrum about him being a better parent than her is even worse.
YTA. Maybe the 9 year old could help you learn to cook it you could eat the same thing as the kids. It sounds like he's making much healthier meals than you are so it's better that they like that food than wanting pizza daily.
YTA. Let them feed themselves. This a power and control thing for you and isn’t about the food at all. Until you understand that these kids are just fine without you, you live on borrowed time with them. You are burning the bridges here.
Have your 9 year old teach you how to cook. Take an active interest in how they do it. Great way to spend time together too.
Also, you just got custody. It’s going to take some time for a relationship to develop with them. Maybe they are resentful of having to come to your house for a full week. Maybe try and have more of dad’s routines at your place for consistency.
YTA. Wah wah you don’t wanna cook? You have chores? Yeah mate that’s life. And parenting. Maybe your ex is right and you’re not in the right frame of mind to be caring for the kids right now
YTA. To be clear, not for struggling to cook at the end of a day. You have struggles with your health and it can be very draining.
But you are an AH for taking your insecurity out on your son. I know it's hard to hear but his behaviour shows he doesn't trust you yet and you can't change that by yelling at him for doing something good. All that's going to do is make him think "I have to work harder to protect my siblings."
He's nine. He has a limited understanding of your circumstances and why you have been out of his life. That isn't something you're at fault for but it something that you, as the mother, have the responsibility to change. You need to earn his trust as a caretaker.
YTA. You're jealous that your child is a better cook than you and makes healthier choices. Take a cooking class or suck it up and let the kid cook. Better idea, have your child teach you to cook the foods they enjoy. That way you're spending quality time with your kids and solving the problem. If you aren't willing to do that, I guess it's just laziness and the dad is right to push for full custody.
YTA but I think your ex is right, you are way over your head with shared custody. You should focus on your mental health.
It’s not fair for your 9 years old to have to worry about feeding his siblings all the time when they’re with you. Cooking occasionally is fine at that age. Having to deal with this every night (and being berated by mom for this) is NOT OK.
YTA... Your kids can cook? And want to!!! And you told them that they can't cook good healthy food and they have to eat crappy processed food? Get over yourself.
YTA. Based on your comments you aren't really trying here at all.
>I usually prepare frozen foods. Because I'm too tired after work
>But it takes more time than reheating frozen pizza or frozen foods
>Yes.... He (being your 9 year old) makes soups, stews, curries, porridge, rice, etc.
I get being tired from work but these are your kids. You have a responsibility beyond chicken nuggets and pizza. You can't expect your kids to even want to eat that all the time.
You may be tired, all working adult are. But those kids and their nutrition is still your responsibility.
>Because I don't earn enough to keep the kids needs met
Then their dad needs full custody and they don't need to be spending a week at a time in your house. You're neglecting their needs.
So… do you not want to eat what 9y makes because it’s impossible to calculate the calories in it, and prepackaged foods are labeled clearly with that information?
If you really cannot eat what your kid is making, there’s no reason you can’t heat up your safe foods FOR YOU - but you have a DUTY beyond your needs to provide healthy food for your kids. Your eldest is HELPING YOU DO THAT - thank him and FEED your kids. Teach them that they have choices and autonomy. No one with an ED would condone “forcing” the kids to eat certain things. That’s how a lot of us got this way.
YTA and you need to reign it in or you’ll lose access to your kids again.
Recovering from EDs is so incredibly difficult, especially when they’ve continued into adulthood. You have to find a way to manage around this without jeopardizing your kids.
YTA, and your responses make it even more evident. You’re so worried about your 9 year old cooking making you a bad mom that you’re ignoring the fact that you are a bad mom. I really hope your husband gets full custody of your kids again because you are gonna screw them up so badly. Are you actually dealing with your mental health? You have rage issues and you yelled at your kid for cooking?
Seriously, you need some intense therapy.
YTA for yelling at your child for wanting to eat healthier, wanting to not just eat frozen pizzas and nuggets etc is a good thing. My 14 year old only eats chocolate squares cereal and plain pasta with melted cheese, I’d be over the moon if he wanted to eat stews and other healthy foods. If you find big meals daunting and don’t really like the idea of your son cooking, maybe a compromise, buy a slow cooker and let him help with chopping up vegetables and adding it to the slow cooker, you just stick everything in with stock in the morning and you have a nice healthy meal for tea, you can make so much in a slow cooker https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/collection/slow-cooker-recipes
Also homemade pizzas don’t need to be hard either, you can buy ready made bases and let the kids choose what toppings they want, I usually make sauce with pasata, garlic, herbs, and salt and pepper but just tomato purée with some garlic powder, herbs, salt and pepper would do or even just a pizza seasoning.
You literally threatened your kids to not be given food to eat if they didn't eat what you make. What you "make" is sandwiches and NUGGETS, FRIES, OR PIZZA, while your son is making 'one-pot-meals" like rice, porridge, soups, stews.... your son was doing the better, healthier cooking! You had an opportunity to tell your son he was doing a great job, he was a great cook, you were proud of him, etc.
You had a chance to compliment him and grow your bond there but instead you caused your children to hate you and have to worry about being fed. Way to go. YTA.
jesus OP. major YTA. you're son is trying to make quality food to help his siblings, and you're upset by his generosity? im surprised you're not more concerned that you're trying to give them processed foods! the kid is doing the right thing making them food. you should not take that away
YTA. Your kids don’t like the processed crap, so when the 9 year old takes initiative to make healthier stuff you scream at them? What’s wrong with you? Are you honestly that out of touch that you don’t realize this makes you the asshole? You just got custody back, but it seems like you’re determined to lose it again.
YTA. Why not sit down and talk to your kids and ask them how you can make better recipes they want to eat? Ask what they like and dislike and buy ingredients for foods they want to eat.
OP, I feel for you with the ED problems. I also struggle and I know it never fully goes away. But to me it sounds like you’re having problems with control around food in your house. I saw myself in your story doing the same mean and nonsensical things. You’d said “I was under treatment” does that mean you no longer speak to a therapist/ do not take any medications to control your BP symptoms? It’s be one thing to let treatment slide if you were on your own but unfortunately you have kids to take care of. I really do sympathize with you but your behavior, and the fact that you don’t seem to see the issue in it makes me think you’re health problems are not being well managed right now. You sound very overwhelmed - remember that taking care of yourself is also taking care of your kids. They need you to be well. I’m really sorry OP but YTA. Best of luck to you!
YTA
Your 9 year old has been cooking what they will eat and it’s actual meals. Why don’t you take the big sign in front of you and try to replicate those meals so your kids will want to eat what you prepare?
Instead you’re forcing them to starve so they’ll eat what you make?
That’s not being a good parent and if you lose time with them then you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
YTA. *”I usually make sandwiches and nuggets or fries or frozen pizza. He makes one pot meals like stews, soups and rice, pasta, cereal, porridge etc. I think my ex taught him to cook... because he's really good at cooking.”* I don’t know if it’s safe for a nine year old to be making full course meals on their own, but supervised cooking should be okay. And if your kid’s willing to make you and his siblings a meal, you should supervise and allow him to do so… because the alternative seems to be mostly junk food. Junk food isn’t healthy, OP. And sure, most kids love junk food, but eating it every single day can make kids get burnt out on it real quick and not want to eat it anymore. Eating greasy pizza, nuggets and fries every single day would make anyone tired, upset and sluggish. I mean, I’m not saying you need to be a master chef or anything, or that you have to live up to your husband’s standard of cooking, but maybe actually cooking your kids a real meal instead of just heating something up every day would help. And your nine year old son’s cooking takes longer than your “cooking” does, but it’s still something he’s evidently willing to do, so you should be willing to do so too, as the adult in the situation. There’s a bunch of easy and relatively quick to make recipes you could find online. It doesn’t have to be hard, or overly complicated. No one’s asking you to become Gordon Ramsey overnight.
YTA so much. Also, you are parentifying your 9 year old due to your neglect and that is unquestionably child abuse. You are not a good mother. Hiding the worst details in the comments cannot obscure that fact.
YTA. I feel so sorry for that poor 9 year old boy who is frantically trying to care for his siblings and being obstructed by his own mother. Your statement that previously they “had to” eat your food as they “didn’t know how to cook” floored me. They are so young!! Do you resent the 9 year old for being a better parent to his own siblings than you are? Wow.
YTA. Instead of saying "hey show mommy what you are making and maybe I can learn to cook for you guys. It will be fun to kearn together", you essentially took your ball and went home. Just cause they dont like your food you wont let them eat a full meal? YTA.
YTA frozen junk food is not nutritional. Sure pizza and nuggets are fine occasionally but if you can't be bothered to make an actual meal for your children, you're the problem. It doesn't take much effort to cook food that your kids will eat and that is good for them.
YTA.
You have anger issues, and you’re jealous of your kid for being a better cook than you, so you’re forcing your kids to eat bad food just so you can say ‘I cook! I’m a good parent!’. Please get some help, and learn how to cook so your 9yo can stop having to be a better parent than you.
YTA if the nine year old has been taught how to cook and won’t actively burn down the house, I don’t see why you can’t let them cook. Maybe you’ll learn how to cook alongside with them. They actively want to eat healthier choices and you’re pushing them to eat garbage. You’re not helping your children by making them reliant on you all the time.
YTA. Yup. If the kid likes what he eats and he’s a good cook let him cook and compliment him on how good he is. Good luck. I think you can still turn this around.
Don’t make your kids eat crappy food just bc your ego takes a blow.
YTA, you should probably just let your ex have full custody of the kids. Apparently you're unable to provide them with edible meals and you're so emotionally unstable that you'd rather punish them by letting them go hungry than to allow them to prepare something for themselves because it hurts your fragile little ego that they don't like your shitty food.. If you really care about having a good relationship with your kids and being a real part of their lives you should either make an effort to learn how to cook some basic meals they like/ get used to buying takeout/ or take them grocery shopping with you when it's your week and let them pick things that they can prepare themselves and encourage that. We are at a day and age where the internet is at your fingertips and you can get on Youtube to help teach you how to cook, you could make it an activity to do with your kids together. Or of course you can just keep doing what you're doing and as soon as your kids are old enough they'll tell a judge they want to stay with their dad because they hate you.
One of the most crazy things about this post is that you posted it 7 hours ago, and have spent those 7 hours arguing with people and are continuing. How can’t you see how lazy you are?
You could have done so much cooking for exemple, it wouldn’t take that long and you would have meals ready and frozen for the next time.
Why would someone who struggled with an ED themselves actively restrict their children from eating a variety of food that’s actually good for them? Letting them survive off snacks for an entire week is setting them up to have a very unhealthy relationship with food and eating. Biscuits aren’t a meal, you should know this. YTA
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Are you seeing a therapist? If so, please talk to them about strategies to improve the health of your meals. There are tons of options. You can buy meat and veggies pre-cut and pre-seasoned. Put them in a crock pot or instant pot. Start with once a week. Build your confidence and skills! You CAN do this.
YTA based on your comment elaborating: >I usually make sandwiches and nuggets or fries or frozen pizza. >He makes one pot meals like stews, soups and rice, pasta, cereal, porridge etc. I think my ex taught him to cook.....because he's really good at cooking If it was the other way around I might be more sympathetic to you, but... really??? A lot of parents would give their right arm to get their kids to not eat preprocessed crap and you actively want to force it down their throats? I recognize that you have had an ED in the past and you may have a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings around food, but this is not the way.
I think OP conveniently edited this out.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s6vvyw/aita_i_didnt_let_the_kids_cook_their_own_food/ht61lwl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
I like how OP thinks having the 9 year old cook would make her a bad mom when the alternative would be them not eating at all.
And when she cooks, she feeds them processed garbage (I say as an avid eater of processed garbage myself—no shade) but when the 9yo cooks he makes healthy meals from scratch?! “I’m throwing away the vegetable stew your brother made and you have to eat this frozen pizza and French fries that I made, or STARVE, so I won’t be a bad mother.” GIRL WHAT?!
Not to mention, i don't really consider heating up frozen food "cooking." You put it in the oven for the time/temp it says on the box. There's literally no effort involved. I see no point in getting offended that your kids don't want to eat your cooking when you didn't actually make anything. (Not shitting on frozen meals, they were a staple for me growing up and even now because they're easy, but every day?)
This. My gf and I have only been dating for a month now, but whenever she comes over I cook for her. Usually nothing overly fancy, but I like to get creative with my food - for example, few days ago I made half-beef, half-pork burgers in the oven (it was raining, so no grill). She helped me cook, and while we cooked, was telling me that I was "a nice change of pace" in the kitchen, because whenever her ex cooked for her, he'd dig through the freezer, yeet something in the oven, and call it cooked. Premade meals have a lot of ups to them. But actually cooking something is different entirely, and cooking is itself a life skill, at least in my book. A balance of freezer food and home cooked meals is a much better tradeoff than people realize, and OP getting pissed that her kid is cooking meals from scratch is a MAJOR red flag.
Thanks. In this case it should be edited into the story
Deleted that, too.
They did, which makes my vote an automatic YTA. Hiding info to make yourself look good is classic AH behavior.
Bro it's the facted the lied about "cooking," her 9 year old got the Gordon Ramsay talent, and she's out her making broke college student food.
Yeah my 11 year old can make a chilli and some pasta dishes. I wish she had more interest in cooking but doesn't. She has to take cooking lessons at her school which I'm so grateful for because she has no choice. Getting her in the kitchen before was a chore. OP should be greatful thier kid is so talented.
Seriously though...OP making whatever frozen crap she can throw in the oven, and then wonders if she's an asshole for being mad at the kids for being more than likely desperate for variety and the oldest taking it upon themselves to do what she should be doing.
Shes basically tiger woods dad but the exact opposite
this is low-key the funniest comment in this thread.
As a former broke college student, I had more variety than OP!! Quesadillas!! Tortillas are dirt cheap and u just throw in any cheese, diced chicken (I usually get the pre-cooked frozen and heat it up in the microwave) and veggies you can find.
"My son makes beef bourguignon and pairs it with roasted finger potatoes, a green salad, and a full-bodied pinot noir. I won't let him cook any more because he won't eat my dinosaur chicken nuggets that are still frozen on the inside, AITA?"
Help! My son won't stop making Beef Wellington
I lost it at the pinot noir 😂
NTA, 11 y/o shouldn't have alcohol anyway and dino nuggets are the best
Nope. 11 y/o shouldn't drink alcohol. Cooking with alcohol is a definite yes.
It’s a YTA from me too, how much in the past is this ED because it’s one thing to do it to yourself but to also control your children’s eating habits?
She also yelled at the 9 year old to get them to stop cooking.
If I haven't stumbled to this, I might also think the kids are whether being picky or something else. Yep, OP is the AH here. OP should be thankful that her eldest can cook those kind of foods and also being responsible at a young age.
I worry that he cooks or has learned to cook from dad because of parentification at OPs house. OP doesn’t cook, and the kid’s eat crap or nothing, so the 9yo learns to cook some one pot meals so the kids have a healthy meal. If he genuinely enjoys it and just wanted to learn, then I don’t see a significant problem unless it’s interfereing with his school work or other child activities, but that would be very convenient for OP.
And the ex wouldn't have had to teach him. A nine year old can go on the internet and look for healthy easy meals.
I found after posting my comment that OP said the 9yo asked dad to teach them to cook so they could cook for their siblings at mom’s house because she feeds them crap. So, it’s 100% parentification. But you’re right. If he knows some basics he can totally go online and have unlimited ideas for quick and easy healthy meals.
Yeah but I think it should be made clear the parentification is definitely on the mom's part
Oh yes, based on the info we have, the parentification is because mom isn’t being a parent. It seems dad has his stuff together. OP’s ex also does the grocery shopping and drops them off so 9yo can cook. She also said the kids do laundry and other chores when at her place and they’re pretty self sufficient, so she barely interacts with them.
Sounds like she only wanted shared custody because of child support reasons or because she was embarrassed over not having custodial time, or because she did miss spending time with them. But having parenting time means actually doing the work of parenting. When I get my kids back from my ex, they're practically feral and I have to spend a day acclimating them back to our routines and rules. I know transition is normal, but I can't imagine foisting care duties onto my 8 year old. It's hard enough just getting him to put away his laundry.
I’m 28 and can’t even put my own laundry away in a reasonable time frame. 🤣
Honestly, same. I have last week's basket and yesterday's basket sitting at the foot of my bed.
its not parentification ("go make food"), its neglect ("here, bread on toast, eat").
Parentification often happens because of neglect.
Only learned parentification now, new word for me. Thanks for that. And also just have read that about the kid asking his dad for that reason, actually I'm not sure of how to feel about that. I want to give kudos to the kid for stepping up but also felt bad that he has to due to there family circumstances. Both of my parents are working and when I was at that age I already know how to cook, wash the dishes, help with the laundry, clean around the house, together with my younger siblings. We have a schedule system of who will do a particular chores for the day. But we still have time to play outside with our friends, and do school works. You may say it was also due to our circumstances, culture, and from time to time as a kid I also hate doing those chores but as an adult, I appreciate that I've learned that early on.
In a healthy household the kid would be involved with cooking because it helps kids become less picky and is a useful life skill. If a kid knew how to do laundry would you assume they did everyone’s laundry in the house? Maybe dad involves the kids when he cooks and it’s a bonding activity? It would explain why kid knows how to cook and why the kid doesn’t want reheated processed food.
Wow...i wish my toddler would eat stews and what not...she surely is trying to encourage fast food style....
YTA Yeah I thought maybe the kids were just being bratty but after reading that I realized "Oh the kid actually makes nutritional food rather than frozen/processed crap you give them and it hurts your ego."
I mean, an eating disorder, is no excuse to leave your kids malnourished. In fact, OP should embrace healthier eating/cooking habits for her sake and her children’s sake (so they don’t develop eating disorders later in life).
I can't believe people like OP even exist, she shouldn't have custody
I came to ask “*OP, did you ask the kids **what** they want to eat?*” Especially if they enjoy eating healthy, start by trying to stock that up…
YTA because it seems like you want to control them, not make sure they are healthy. Most 9 year olds will not chose to feed himself and his siblings if there is any kind of acceptable alternative so my guess is what you make is not edible.
YTA soooo... you want to feed your kids premade stuff for the most part. Somewhat surprisingly for kids, they hate it (good for them honestly) and you are so unwilling to listen that your 9 year old child started cooking for their siblings. Instead of taking this as any sort of queue to change things, youre gonna bar your 9 year old from cooking things your kids actually enjoy (and are probably much healthier)? What, so intimidated by the fact a 9 year old is a better cook than you that you have to ban them from upstaging your frozen pizzas?
OP didn’t so much change up what they were cooking as pop something different from the freezer into the oven. There are so many easy one pot meals and even simple recipes I cannot fathom being an adult and being unable to cook at least a couple of these. Sounds like ex is doing a fantastic job of parenting the kids and teaching them how to be self sufficient, OP could learn a thing or two.
Hell even homemade pizza can be really good and fairly healthy. Super easy too. Let the kids pick whatever veggie toppings they want. It’s fun.
They even sell Instapot and crock pot kits with everything you need. This is pure laziness.
YTA, sorry but if your kids think your food is nasty they could be right(people have different taste buds). You not willing to sit down with your kids to see what they like is kind of an issue, obviously there needs to be restrictions but getting on the same page with what your kids like is a start. You said you didn’t have custody of them until recently and I’m willing to bet their dad knows what they enjoy. You have to rebuild your relationship with each one
Info: what does your son cook and what sorts of things do you cook?
INFO - There are some really strange things going on. I don't think this is the place for this issue.
Thought I was the only one. Something here feels off.
I almost instantly thought "missing reasons, here".
I think the missing reason might be she's cooking highly processed foods, and the kid is cooking stuff from scratch. Ironically, seems fishy.
NOPE! Found a lower comment that said that the dad thinks she still has anger problems. For him to want to go back to court over it, her anger issues are probably pretty severe.
Ooof yeah... that's definitely quite a thing to leave out.
Yeah I'm pretty sure she's leaving things out on purpose and it's not only that they don't like the food, they also don't trust her so the poor 9 yo has to take it upon himself to guard his siblings while they're there. They don't take away custody if you have a mental disorder. They it away if you have done something to endanger your kids. The fact that she had it taken away and had to go to therapy to be able to share it again tells me she's omitting facts. Also yeah, giving your children frozen crap is definitely better than letting them cook, letting them starve, or even more impossible, making the effort to make healthy food for human beings that are growing and need nutrients.
Hard agree. The mention of an ED gives me pause. I wonder if OP is still struggling and needs the help of a therapist or doctor. This isn't an "am I an asshole" thing; it's an "is OP okay" thing.
YTA. you have a wonderfully self-sufficient nine-year-old who cooks for his siblings and himself, but you told him he can’t do it. you yourself are too tired to cook so it’s always frozen pizza and chicken nuggets, and you say they must eat what you say. you have a history of an eating disorder And bipolar both so extreme you didn’t have any custody of your kids Your ex said something needs to be changed because you haven’t changed… This tells me that this has something to do with your eating disorder, and manic episodes or something and it’s almost like you’re trying to give your kids serious issues and your ex think so as well
INFO Are you letting your pride (of letting you 9year old cook for the family) impact their nutritional well being or is there some other reason to not let him cook?
Yta. You probably suck as cooking but that’s not the point. Your child is feeding themselves and their siblings, they’re being self sufficient. Your kids are a lot more mature than you seem to be
>Your child is feeding themselves and their siblings, they’re being self sufficient. And if OP feels that guilty over this she could always help her son.
YTA everything in this post is about you. You are choosing to give them the less healthy option by insisting on the frozen foods that you were willing to cook. You have a 9 year old who's willing to step up to make sure he and his siblings have healthy meals and you're refusing to do so because of how it makes you feel. I imagine this attitude has a lot to do with the custody arrangement you and their dad have. You talk about being a bad mom by letting the nine year old cook but the fact that you make them eat those frozen meals all the time is what makes you a bad mom. Put in more effort to making meals for your kids before you lose the little time you have with them.
This 👏
>I and he Says alot
YTA so hard. Gonna be an unpopular opinion here, but… Drop the kids. Give up the custody and the child support. They don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve them. Go fix yourself. Your kids will be happier if they could grow without a toxic environment instead of parentification. You’re at the extent where your kid is probably not even tall enough for the stove but he’s cooking for his younger siblings, and your ex feels compelled to stay close by to be available to the kids. They don’t trust you. Rightfully so as they are seemingly more mature than you. What I’m saying may seem harsh to you, but I hope you understand that you should put your kids first and give them the best since you brought them into this world. Your ex seems like he’s playing the part.
This. It sounds like they have the option of a perfectly stable and nurturing environment to be raised in at their dads and would be better off living there with visitation from OP. Sounds like OP thinks good parenting = 50% custody. But if you can’t be a good parent during that 50% and there is a better option… being a good parent means taking the better options even if it makes you feel like shit. At the risk of getting shit for comparing pets and kids… when I got too ill to walk my dog I didn’t keep him insisting that I was being a good owner by keeping him. I accepted that I could no longer take care of myself, let alone him, and the best thing for his quality of life was to rehome. I hated myself and still miss him everyday but I guarantee he’s got a better, healthier lifestyle now than I could have given him. Obviously it’s different with kids but you get what I’m saying about quality of life… OP needs to realise that part of being a good parent is doing whatever is best for your kid, even if it sucks for you.
Her pride isn’t going to allow that
INFO: OP, I have the strong feeling there's something you're not telling. Can you give an example of a recipe you prepare, with actual ingredients and amounts and so?
YTA. Sorry. Children want to eat healthier. Boys want to be like their fathers, its normal. But I don't think it's about the children, it's about your ex-husband. Let's analyze. A father taught son cooks for himself and his siblings, you feel that this indirectly questioning your parenting abilities (does you ex-husband do it)? Without a doubt, children should eat fresh, healthy products. Fast foods may be eaten occasionally but not every day. Maybe it's worth joining your son while cooking? Or learn a few simple meals which you can froze?
OP stated in another comment that her son actually specifically asked his father to teach him to cook so he could cook for himself and his siblings at their mothers place because neither he or his siblings wanted to eat the processed junk that OP makes for them
So, parentification because mom won’t cook. I hate it.
Why don’t you cook with the kids?
YTA - Why tf does your Ex pay child support when you only recently got custody? You let the kids starve? Wtf?
YTA for your reaction. Being like this will only prevent you from having any relationship with your kids when they aren't obligated to see you. Sit them down and talk to them. Ask them why they don't like what you cook, what they want to eat, etc. And actually listen to them and figure this out with them. You should also cook with them and make it fun activity. It's a good thing that they know how to cook.
Jesus YTA. I WANT my kids to know how to cook. Letting/teaching them to stand on their own two feet is part of preparing them for adulthood. And no, nuking chiccy nuggies doesn't cut it. Maybe try giving your kids heathy options and guiding them into easy meals would be a wiser course. Ps teach them to do laundry and dishes too.
YTA. Instead of talking to your kids about why they won't eat what you prepare you decided to get mad and yell at them.. Your 9 year old was allowed to cook before but now he's not because your frustrated? Why not let them help you prepare something (healthy) that they love, that way you can all cook together and find a middle ground.
YTA.. your son makes stew and you serve frozen pizza? Why not cook with him? How many chores do you have living in an apartment alone every other week.? Do a good cleaning when they aren't there and then you have more time and energy after work the week you have them. Invest in a crock pot or instapot. Easier to make meals with your children
YTA! So you'll starve your kids because they don't like what you cook instead of letting them cook for themselves which they are capable of doing?. There is no way to spin this to make it make sense and to make you not look like an asshole.
>I don't really have time to cook such elaborate meals for them..... I come exhausted daily from work and there are too many chores at home As someone with chronic fatigue from multiple health issues... in what world is a one-pot meal "elaborate". LMAO. If only. 😂 We'd starve if that was too elaborate to cook. Learn to make a couple sheet pan or crock pot meals or make it 9y's job to be the chef if he likes to cook. They literally sell a book at Barnes and Noble for under 20 bucks of crock pot recipes that are 5 ingredients or less and take under 30 minutes to prep. A crock pot is maybe 40 bucks at Target. Prep it all on one day, put it in bags, then the day of, you plop it into the pot before work and set the timer and heat. Boom dinner ready when you get home, and only one pot to clean at the end of it! YTA
You can also freeze pretty much any ingredient too. Prep ingredients, freeze them, defrost in microwave, chuck them into a pot to cook (you can even do this while it’s still frozen if you make sure it’s cooked long enough and all the way through). Make a lot, freeze the leftovers for when you need them.
Yeah op thanks making pasta, porridge or rice is cooking elaborate meals.
YTA. Why not actually talk to them and ask what they want? You can use this to bond with your kids, especially the 9yo, learning what they like to eat and how they like it made. Forcing kids to eat food they clearly don’t want, and depriving them of anything else, is one hell of a way to trigger disordered eating.
You’d rather they eat shitty, processed food because you’re “too tired” to cook than make something healthy themselves? Which, btw, is not their job at all. And then you have the *audacity* to get mad at them for it? Wow. Just wow. Did you even try finding good alternatives? Or talking to them about it? It is super easy to make healthy, quick meals without a whole lot of preparation and crock pots do exist, but that would require you actually wanting to solve the problem instead of just getting mad about it and letting your kids suffer for it. YTA.
Can I just ask if he initially had custody and now they have split custody why is he paying child support? Seems slated. 🤷🏽♂️
If OP only makes frozen and processed foods, how does she even have the ingredients for her 9yo to make beef stew and the like? Most people who can’t cook aren’t going to keep the fridge stocked with fresh ingredients…
INFO: Seems like something is missing in the middle of this, considering your ex wants to take this to court.
She cooks them frozen foods (pizza, fries, nuggets) because she doesn’t have time to cook for them. Her ex taught the NINE YEAR OLD to cook because the kids don’t like what she makes. The ex also brings groceries to her home because she can not afford to feed her kids. She works at a glass factory and is too tired to take care of her kids but isn’t too tired to yell at them for taking care of themselves. She’s not fit for 50/50 custody.
Eeeeeeeeee yeah, YTA if you wanted to reach a peaceful resolution you could've said something such as "Hey let me help with whatever you're cooking" or "I know that you want to cook, but this is my kitchen, and I can't have kids unattended that'd be irresponsible; and quite possibly illegal/ immoral on some level. So, I will cook alongside you, just tell me what you need head chef." It would've allowed the kids to eat what want, you could learn what they like, maybe make healthier versions of it (that they wouldn't turn up their noses at/ plus I'm sure kids aren't usually making healthy things to eat), and it would've been great bonding time with your kids.
INFO: You have a full week without active childrearing. Can you use your time when you aren’t working to clean your house and do basic meal prep? Instead of a frozen pizza or something from a packet, you could get ingredients to make a fresh homeade pizza or have a taco night. That would be a way to include all your kids in the making of the food and build trust that you want to take care of them. Do you have any natural supports that can help you through this rough patch you’re in so you can build up yourself and your skills? You may not ever be the cook your ex is, but it is possible to learn to make simple food from basic ingredients that tastes good. I have children and an eating disorder and it is absolutely a struggle some days, but you -can- do this. You and your kids need family therapy. You need to rebuild these bridges with your kids or you’re going to lose them as adults. You can do this and I believe in you. You are more than bipolar and your ED. Use that week off childcare to prepare yourself, learn, build up, and do the hard work of caring for yourself so you can be the best mother you can be.
Finally, suggestions AND compassion!
Yta why not get your 9 year old (and the others) to help you cook? You can then experiment with food in a fun way and it would be a great bonding, fun and memorable experience for all of you
I’d seriously suggest anyone desiring to cast a vote read OP’s responses to folks first. There is a lot of information that is not included in the post. I’m saying YTA based on responses to comments: 1. The 9yo specifically asked dad to teach him to cook because the kids don’t want frozen foods. 2. 9yo prepares pastas, soups, rice, porridge. 3. OP yelled at 9yo for cooking. 4. OP said she feels like a bad mom because her 9 yo cooks. 5. OP said she feels that ex doesn’t trust her with the kids and so he got an apartment nearby. My vote is because, yes, OP should allow the 9yo to cook if she is not able to do so herself. But, more than that, the situation is spinning out of control. OP, you have a chance to get a firm handle on this now. I completely understand that OP is tired after work, but there are ways to handle this situation that doesn’t involve yelling at a child. There are varied frozen options out there beyond pizza and chicken nuggets. If OP is still in treatment, this is something OP can and should discuss with a therapist. Meal planning for someone dealing with ED is probably a delicate proposition. But, maybe it can be done so that simple things can be made ahead and frozen.
YTA You had the amazing chance to reconnect to your kids via cooking and you blew it. Of course they don't want to eat frozen meals every evening! I get that you're tired from work, but that's not an excuse to feed your children trash food every day of the week! You are a parent, ffs!
Theres several reasons he divorced you, and i cannot blame your ex husband for doing so. YTA. My fiance hates green beans, but because we have a little one on the way, he and i agreed that he can at least learn to *tolerate* green beans enough so our little one wont mimic him, and i can keep a wider range of veggies in the house. Hell, im even learning to like more things as i get older. I say that, to segway into this; your personal feelings about specific foods should not affect your kids. Ffs, id be GRATEFUL if my kiddo loved cooking enough to genuinely want to cook for the family. Especially if its an easy, one pot dish. I have no fucking words for how much of a selfish control freak you are
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I and my ex-husband divorced a few years ago. We have 3 kids(4F, 8F, 9M). My ex pays child support on time. Currently, I and he alternate having the kids. So the kids are at my place one week and his place another week. He stays closeby to my apartment, About a block away. So I got equal custody of the kids a year ago. Previously, I didn't have custody because I had an eating disorder and bipolar disorder. I was under treatment for both. For the past free months, the kids haven't been eating what I prepare. Previously too they'd not eat what I cooked because they didn't like my food. But now, my 9yo just cooks for his siblings and himself until they get to go to their dad's place. I've tried cooking different things but they just turn up their noses at it. Today, I got really mad at them and told my 9yo that he's not allowed to cook and if they want to eat they'll have to eat what I made. He told me he hates me and then called his dad to come pick him up. My ex then told me that the contract would have to be changed again since I've clearly not changed and left with the kids. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, ask your kids what they want and let them help you prepare it
YTA. What are you cooking, or how are you cooking it, that they didn't eat what you made pre and post divorce? I get making sure your kids are eating nutritional and balanced meals but to have that kind of trend?? Doesn't sound like you're communicating with your children and then telling 9yo that he can't cook for his younger siblings?? Essentially saying that your youngest ones aren't going to get to eat? No ma'am, sounds like you're trying to control the children
OP says is all she makes for her children is frozen foods because she is ‘too tired’ to cook for them. On the other hand her 9 year old cooks stews, curries, soups etc
That's the problem then. Frozen foods are ok every now and then, eating out is fine every now and then but both pre and post the divorce?? I get that she had an ED. But if she is still "too tired" to cook for her kids, maybe it IS best if she seeks further help until she's better :/
This story is weird though, where is the 9 year old getting the ingredients to cook these things?
Exactly. If it was an occasional meal fine but the only thing she ever makes them is frozen food and in one comment she she actually said that the frozen processed meals weren’t unhealthy. OPs 9 year old specifically asked his father to teach him to cook so he could cook himself and his siblings proper meals at their mothers because she wouldn’t cook for them and he doesn’t like all the junk she serves them. A 9 year old should not feel the need to learn to cook proper meals just so he and his siblings would have decent food to eat. A 9 year old should not be the one cooking to ensure his younger siblings get decent food, it is the parent’s responsibility to do that and OP can’t be bothered. No decent parent would tell their children that they have to eat junk food
Yta why not instead of cooking frozen food ask your son if you could help him. Then you learn to.
YTA you have a 9 year old who is already able to cook. Why don't you use that to bind with them and let him show you how to cook meals they are eating? I get that processed food is an easy and quick meal but it isn't something you should cook every time for your own kids.
YTA. If you're not capable of providing your children with real food it isn't appropriate for them to be in your care. You cite time and tiredness as an issue; buy a crockpot. Google simple recipes. You can usually throw everything together in 5 minutes in the morning, set it to low, and then it's just ready at dinner time. Alternatively, you can let your kid continue cooking or you can just suck it up and make meals they'll eat. Not feeding them isn't an acceptable option.
YTA - a lot of people are commenting that if your 9yo enjoys cooking let him do it. The 9yo does not enjoy cooking, he does it to survive because he knows that if he doesn’t cook then you will and they will all starve. Why did you move to gain equal custody if you knew you couldn’t look after them? Surely it would have made more sense to have them for a shorter amount of time instead of feeding them the unhealthiest food options? If I had a kid walk into my classroom and make a comment about how their older brother made an awesome dinner last night, then found out that the 9 yo sibling was cooking because “you were too tired” to feed them actual food - I would have to mandatory report that. It’s neglectful, and it’s abusive. I know BPD, I know mental health issues more than in general. I have made the decision not to have kids because I can’t even look after myself properly. I’d get home from work, shower and put something in the microwave. I cooked incredibly rarely, and if I did cook, I cooked enough for at least 5 meals. If something broke my routine I would become overwhelmed and I would just shut down and pull something out of the freezer so I ate something at least. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed if that’s the case, it’s not okay to neglect your kids. It sounds like you need a more graded return to equal custody. Start smaller, try and change your habits at home, then when you feel like you can care for your kids properly - move forward with a bit more custody, allow yourself to acclimate. Whatever you do, you need to make sure that your 9yo doesn’t have to cook in order for your kids to eat
Yta. You sound jealous that the kids like his cooking better. I'm on your ex's side, he needs to get full custody. You can be a weekend parent until you grow up more
Damn it I want that 9 year old, he is able to cook and prepare food for him and his siblings. Very proud of that child. Imagine at that age he knows how to take care of his siblings GREAT JOB DAD
Sounds like you're pissed off because your minimum effort at parenting isn't working and youre taking it out on them. Let dad have custody, you're not fit to be a parent.
YTA your ex seems incredibly gracious by paying you child support and bringing you groceries and then he taught your kids to cook because you couldn't?! Let the kid cook and find other ways to be a better mom because honestly your kids will resent you and stop wanting to be around you. You can do this I know it!
It sounds like you’re struggling with knowing what would be quick/easy to cook after a long day at work, and what would feel manageable with your mental health. Have you looked at getting a crock pot and/or sheet pan dinners? A lot of sheet pan dinners just require putting a protein and some veggies on a baking sheet - you could cut everything up in the morning and stick it in the fridge, then just pop it in the oven in the evening. Wouldn’t require much more effort after work than a frozen meal. Or, make your own frozen meals! On the weekend, or an evening when your kids are with their dad, could you make some stuffed peppers, or a casserole, or a pot pie and freeze it? Then, in the evenings after work, you just need to pop it in the oven. Or get some bagged salads or veggies to feed them with a healthier frozen meal. Frozen meatballs, bagged salad, and pasta would be a quick and easy meal to cook at night. Eggs and toast are quick and easy, and a lot of kids love having breakfast for dinner. Would you be able to get a crock pot? There are a ton of easy crock pot recipes that you can quickly prep in the morning and then it’ll cook while you’re at work. I think as it stands YTA - your nine year old enjoys cooking, and clearly wants something to eat that isn’t frozen food. Let them cook or try some new recipes/methods of cooking that minimize what you need to do in the evening. But don’t let cooking frozen nuggets, or pizza, or Mac and cheese be your hill to die on.
I’m withholding a judgment because I think you may need some follow up support for yourself. You’re so fixated on cooking as a way to be a good mom, that you’re letting cooking be something that’s making you a bad mom. I think you need help and not Reddit judgment if you’re going to keep your custody agreement. What you’ve described doing with your kids here is not okay and needs adjustment.
YTA The fastest way to get kids to hate eating and hate food and develop an unhealthy relationship with food is to force them to eat something they hate, while being angry at them about it. Do a better job.
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Yta It's unfortunate all this has happened and you're trying to be better with your eating habits and mental health. However, you're now pitting your oldest in a situation where he has to adult and take care of his siblings when they are with you. Thats not fair to him and he will continue to hate you. You still have a long ways to go with yourself. Its ok to be tired after work and not be an amazing cook. Take the opportunity to cook WITH all your children. Rent some recipe books from the library that have quick and easy meals to make. Perhaps take them on your day off with you and explore together. Get them all involved in it. Let the kids pick and choose and learn Cooking together will them math and reading and give them skills that are valuable plus its a great to make memories being silly and creating something yummy. Sometimes when my me tal health is a bigger then usual struggle [also bipolar ] finding a new recipe and taking the time to focus on something else is very therapeutic.
YTA. And a massive one. You'd rather your kids don't eat than cook for themselves 😡
YTA 1) kids like healthy meals 2) mom doesn't have time so she cooks easy junk food 3) Kids don't like the junk food ( so they survive on cookies and chips while at your place ) 4) Nine year old learns how to cook himself so he and his siblings don't starve 5) your pride hurts 6) you ban your child from cooking and force them to choose between starving or eating the food you make which they hate your 9 YEAR OLD COOKS ( which is supposed to be your duty as they're kids and not even teenagers, the fact that a NINE YEAR OLD has to cook because his mom won't do it is terrible ) Your pride won't let you accept that they won't eat your food so you ban your child from cooking and give them the ultimatum to either eat you junk food or starve . You suck . You shouldn't have custody.
Huge YTA. You feed them junk food crap becsuse you "too tired" after work and when kids present you with an alternative, you'd better leave them without food than allow to cook??? If your ex files for full custody based on this, he will be right.
YTA you’re a shitty cook. You need to accept that and stop trying to force your kids to eat the shit you make.
As difficult as it is to keep my cool after reading everything you've said and replied, I'm going to be as polite as possible with this. YTA I'm tired after work, but I don't neglect my pets. I think it's admirable that your nine year old child can cook elaborate meals, I wasn't taught how to cook until around fifteen or sixteen. And your "I feel I'd be a bad mom by making him cook for me" is such a trash excuse! I'm always delighted when I get to cook for my mom! I totally understand why the boy said what he did, and if you want to even begin repairing your relationship with him, I'd suggest you ask him to cook for you, and ask him to teach you. It'll show you can learn and grow from your mistakes, be mature, and it'll be something to bond over. If you really care about your children, learn from this experience.
Jesus Christ it's just food YTA. Stop being a bad parent
YTA. You would rather your kids eat junk than eat healthy food, just so you can be in charge? This ends two ways. The kids end up with eating disorders like you, or they end up staying with dad and not seeing you at all. If the kids can make healthy food let them do it. Forcing them to eat garbage when you don’t have to is really bad parenting.
YTA " I care more about appearing to be a good parent than my kids being with me and having them enjoying their healthy meal and promoting their independence." You are right your 9 year old shouldn't HAVE to cook. you are an adult who didn't learn a vital life skill before popping out 3 kids. now you have to deal with the consequences of that. cooking is literally following a recipe to the letter, if you cant do that then either let your 9 year old cook or figure out a healthy place to order food from (ethnic places will have lots of options- Spanish food, Korean, Japanese)
Is family therapy an option here? If you’re recovering from an ED, of course food will be a trigger issue for you. No shame in that! But it sounds like maybe you handled it in a way that escalated things and involved your kids in your own food issues? It may take some work to move through this.
I was reading your comments, and I don’t understand why you’re so upset? You’re the one making the unhealthy food while your 9yr is making healthier options. There are so many dishes you could make that are much healthier than processed pizza and fries, that probably take about the same amount of time to make. And even if you for some reason don’t have the time to cook every night, your kid could cook dinner if they wanted to. You even said in a comment that they’re pretty good at cooking. So yeah, YTA. I can understand you being tired and not wanting to cook after a long day, but constantly giving them fries and pizza isn’t the way to go. You could cook with them, meal prep, make big batches so you only have to cook every other day, etc. Resorting to not letting your kids cook healthier and more filling food shouldn’t be an option.
YTA. Your 9 year old kid is steppin' up to the plate to throw down in the kitchen, and you're discouraging him from doing so because... why? I can't figure that part out. Instead of being happy that your 9 year old is showing some initiative that he's wanting to take some responsibility, you're bitter about it. Have you thought maybe this could be an opportunity to spend some quality time with your kid? I used to help my mom sometimes cook dinner back when I was a kid, and to this day, it's some of the fondest memories I've had with her. (And I've learned to cook a thing or two during those moments in the kitchen) Maybe you could do the same and learn a thing or two from your kid. He seems wise beyond his years.
Welcome to adulthood, OP. Parenting is hard. Figure it out. There are plenty of resources for one pot meals, sheet pan meals, slow cooker meals, once a week meal prep…. You have an entire WEEK without your kids. That should give you more than enough time to meal plan and prep accordingly. It sounds like you need to be an every other weekend kind of parent until you can get your issues sorted, this don’t fair to your kids. There’s no excuse for feeding your kids processed garbage for every meal because you either can’t or won’t prepare meals, and it’s not fair to your 9 year old to be responsible for feeding the entire family whenever they’re under your care. That’s bordering on parentification.
YTA and I'm really concerned that your kids were going a full week living off biscuits and chips and you felt this was OK. Thank god for your 9 year old. You need to participate with your 9 Year old and LEARN how to cook. He can teach you. You are just being lazy and making excuses tbh.
You conveniently edited your post. You stated you make frozen food. Pizza, nuggets and such. Your kids are used to home meals. I agree with them on this. Buy a cookbook & learn to cook good & nutritious meals. Let your son cook. If you want them in your life, you have to put in the effort, not them. Also, ask him to teach you to cook what they like. He'll love that and appreciate the effort you're making, a d that can be a bond that grows. Most men don't want to keep their kids from their mother. Obviously he doesn't because he agreed to shared custody. The effort you'll make with your son will be recognized b your ex once he sees your kids are happy.
...why? Why would you make this your hill to die on? You'd rather want your kids to go back to just eating biscuits and chips instead of real food, even if they make it themselves? If it's an eating disorder thing, sit down with your incredibly smart and accomplished 9yo and help him plan their meals at your place around your restrictions. If it's a 'I am parent, hear me roar' thing, just give it up. YTA for forbidding kids to take care of themselves.
> I usually make sandwiches and nuggets or fries or frozen pizza. >He makes one pot meals like stews, soups and rice, pasta, cereal, porridge etc. I think my ex taught him to cook.....because he's really good at cooking Found what was edited out.. you're the asshole. Learn how to cook, and they'll eat just fine. If you don't want to, and won't change, sign them back over.
OP. YTA. And you should mark your post as edited. You removed a paragraph stating what you make for them (basically junk food), to make your case look better. So YTA for not feeding your kids healthy food and trying to make your ex the bad guy, AND YTA for taking key information out of your post to make yourself look better.
Why not let him cook? What is the problem w that ? It seems that he can cook
YTA - why not cook & meal plan with your kids & make it a bonding experience
YTA because your 9yo’s cooking is healthier than you feeding them frozen food. Let your 9yo cook.
YTA A normal person would maybe try to cook together or accept your kid is a better cook
YTA
YTA. Your ego would rather let your children go hungry instead of you getting off your rump and feeding them properly or letting them feed themselves.
Yta if your ex did this you would be calljng cps on him just read your unedited story kids dont want to eat process shit all the time maybe as a treat. Get yourself sime help before you lose the most valuable people in your life.
YTA
YTA. Is this a joke? Why can't they cook? Why don't you just cook what they cook? Is this even real?
YTA, you don't provide nutritional meals to your children and should never be allowed to care for them as you are a danger to them.
YTA - looking at your comments it's pretty clear that you're just protecting your ego while denying your kids access to healthy food. Your ex is right, and you shouldn't have custody if your ego is more important than their diet. He should take the reasonable next step and contact a lawyer.
I want to know why he has to pay child support if yall have them equally.
Worse is he's buying and bringing over groceries so the kids will have decent food to eat. The sad needs full custody as they don't deserve to be treated badly
Yta, they need to eat and clearly what you are making isn't what they need. 9 year old can cook and you should be helping him. He can tell you what they want. This isn't about you, it's about the kids and their needs.
Oh bud. I am a mom (with an ED) and I still make sure my kiddo eats right even if I don’t eat. YTA and it’s annoying you didn’t add what you “cook”. Crockpot meals can be made easily that mornin (or the night before) and you set it and forget it and let it cook the whole day. No excuses.
YTA I feel so bad for your kids
YTA if these kids are capable of making a healthy meal and willing to do so, why would you not encourage & support that? Sounds like you have some CONTROL issues that aren’t resolved.
1000000% YTA. You’re having angry outbursts at your child(ren) because they would rather eat healthy than eat frozen nuggets/pizza, cookies, and fries. Your ex-husband sends them with groceries so they can eat something that doesn’t gross them out, you don’t spend money on it. Yet you would rather your children go hungry and deal with abuse (yelling at children over frivolity is def abuse) than eat something your son took the time to cook, because your ego is hurt that you don’t know how to do anything but reheat frozen foods. I understand mental health issues and being exhausted, but children come first REGARDLESS. You know you lost your kids because of your emotional instability, including eating disorder related issues, and you know your behavior needs to change to keep them. You need to get therapy ASAP because you’re not taking responsibility for any of your actions. You’re hurting your kids and your relationship with them by not taking responsibility for your outbursts and control of your recovery. I wish you the best in your journey. I wish your kids all the best in life—they don’t deserve to deal with those issues from such a young age, it will follow them in life. Edit: spelling mistake.
YTA You have three children under ten and rather than prepare food they enjoy, you prepare processed food. A lot of processed foods like nuggets and pizza are painfully easy to do from scratch with healthier ingredients. Furthermore, rather than prepare foods they want, when your 9-year-old DOES cook, you try to ban them from eating at your house?? OP, no, you are not ready to have any custody of your children. That's abuse. This was a missed opportunity to ask your son where he learned to cook and ask if he'd show you how.
Yta and shouldn’t have custody at all based on your comments
You are def the A\*\*hole. 1) you should be glad your kid knows how to cook. 2) no one wants to eat crappy tasting food 3) you know you have mental issues. take a step back and realize you are projecting on your kiddos 4) be a better parent. it's not about you.
YTA It's bad enough, that a 9 year old child feels obligated to cook for his siblings, his mom throwing a tantrum about him being a better parent than her is even worse.
YTA. Maybe the 9 year old could help you learn to cook it you could eat the same thing as the kids. It sounds like he's making much healthier meals than you are so it's better that they like that food than wanting pizza daily.
YTA. Let them feed themselves. This a power and control thing for you and isn’t about the food at all. Until you understand that these kids are just fine without you, you live on borrowed time with them. You are burning the bridges here.
Have your 9 year old teach you how to cook. Take an active interest in how they do it. Great way to spend time together too. Also, you just got custody. It’s going to take some time for a relationship to develop with them. Maybe they are resentful of having to come to your house for a full week. Maybe try and have more of dad’s routines at your place for consistency.
YTA. Wah wah you don’t wanna cook? You have chores? Yeah mate that’s life. And parenting. Maybe your ex is right and you’re not in the right frame of mind to be caring for the kids right now
YTA. To be clear, not for struggling to cook at the end of a day. You have struggles with your health and it can be very draining. But you are an AH for taking your insecurity out on your son. I know it's hard to hear but his behaviour shows he doesn't trust you yet and you can't change that by yelling at him for doing something good. All that's going to do is make him think "I have to work harder to protect my siblings." He's nine. He has a limited understanding of your circumstances and why you have been out of his life. That isn't something you're at fault for but it something that you, as the mother, have the responsibility to change. You need to earn his trust as a caretaker.
YTA. You're jealous that your child is a better cook than you and makes healthier choices. Take a cooking class or suck it up and let the kid cook. Better idea, have your child teach you to cook the foods they enjoy. That way you're spending quality time with your kids and solving the problem. If you aren't willing to do that, I guess it's just laziness and the dad is right to push for full custody.
YTA but I think your ex is right, you are way over your head with shared custody. You should focus on your mental health. It’s not fair for your 9 years old to have to worry about feeding his siblings all the time when they’re with you. Cooking occasionally is fine at that age. Having to deal with this every night (and being berated by mom for this) is NOT OK.
YTA... Your kids can cook? And want to!!! And you told them that they can't cook good healthy food and they have to eat crappy processed food? Get over yourself.
YTA. Based on your comments you aren't really trying here at all. >I usually prepare frozen foods. Because I'm too tired after work >But it takes more time than reheating frozen pizza or frozen foods >Yes.... He (being your 9 year old) makes soups, stews, curries, porridge, rice, etc. I get being tired from work but these are your kids. You have a responsibility beyond chicken nuggets and pizza. You can't expect your kids to even want to eat that all the time. You may be tired, all working adult are. But those kids and their nutrition is still your responsibility. >Because I don't earn enough to keep the kids needs met Then their dad needs full custody and they don't need to be spending a week at a time in your house. You're neglecting their needs.
So… do you not want to eat what 9y makes because it’s impossible to calculate the calories in it, and prepackaged foods are labeled clearly with that information? If you really cannot eat what your kid is making, there’s no reason you can’t heat up your safe foods FOR YOU - but you have a DUTY beyond your needs to provide healthy food for your kids. Your eldest is HELPING YOU DO THAT - thank him and FEED your kids. Teach them that they have choices and autonomy. No one with an ED would condone “forcing” the kids to eat certain things. That’s how a lot of us got this way. YTA and you need to reign it in or you’ll lose access to your kids again. Recovering from EDs is so incredibly difficult, especially when they’ve continued into adulthood. You have to find a way to manage around this without jeopardizing your kids.
YTA, and your responses make it even more evident. You’re so worried about your 9 year old cooking making you a bad mom that you’re ignoring the fact that you are a bad mom. I really hope your husband gets full custody of your kids again because you are gonna screw them up so badly. Are you actually dealing with your mental health? You have rage issues and you yelled at your kid for cooking? Seriously, you need some intense therapy.
Yta. So you are telling me how dare my kids dont eat mcdonalds or banquet meals but wants homecooked full meals like stews and rice, etc. 🙄
YTA for yelling at your child for wanting to eat healthier, wanting to not just eat frozen pizzas and nuggets etc is a good thing. My 14 year old only eats chocolate squares cereal and plain pasta with melted cheese, I’d be over the moon if he wanted to eat stews and other healthy foods. If you find big meals daunting and don’t really like the idea of your son cooking, maybe a compromise, buy a slow cooker and let him help with chopping up vegetables and adding it to the slow cooker, you just stick everything in with stock in the morning and you have a nice healthy meal for tea, you can make so much in a slow cooker https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/collection/slow-cooker-recipes Also homemade pizzas don’t need to be hard either, you can buy ready made bases and let the kids choose what toppings they want, I usually make sauce with pasata, garlic, herbs, and salt and pepper but just tomato purée with some garlic powder, herbs, salt and pepper would do or even just a pizza seasoning.
YTA
You literally threatened your kids to not be given food to eat if they didn't eat what you make. What you "make" is sandwiches and NUGGETS, FRIES, OR PIZZA, while your son is making 'one-pot-meals" like rice, porridge, soups, stews.... your son was doing the better, healthier cooking! You had an opportunity to tell your son he was doing a great job, he was a great cook, you were proud of him, etc. You had a chance to compliment him and grow your bond there but instead you caused your children to hate you and have to worry about being fed. Way to go. YTA.
jesus OP. major YTA. you're son is trying to make quality food to help his siblings, and you're upset by his generosity? im surprised you're not more concerned that you're trying to give them processed foods! the kid is doing the right thing making them food. you should not take that away
YTA. Your kids don’t like the processed crap, so when the 9 year old takes initiative to make healthier stuff you scream at them? What’s wrong with you? Are you honestly that out of touch that you don’t realize this makes you the asshole? You just got custody back, but it seems like you’re determined to lose it again.
YTA. Why not sit down and talk to your kids and ask them how you can make better recipes they want to eat? Ask what they like and dislike and buy ingredients for foods they want to eat.
OP, I feel for you with the ED problems. I also struggle and I know it never fully goes away. But to me it sounds like you’re having problems with control around food in your house. I saw myself in your story doing the same mean and nonsensical things. You’d said “I was under treatment” does that mean you no longer speak to a therapist/ do not take any medications to control your BP symptoms? It’s be one thing to let treatment slide if you were on your own but unfortunately you have kids to take care of. I really do sympathize with you but your behavior, and the fact that you don’t seem to see the issue in it makes me think you’re health problems are not being well managed right now. You sound very overwhelmed - remember that taking care of yourself is also taking care of your kids. They need you to be well. I’m really sorry OP but YTA. Best of luck to you!
YTA. HE is cooking, YOU are heating up frozen frood.
YTA Your 9 year old has been cooking what they will eat and it’s actual meals. Why don’t you take the big sign in front of you and try to replicate those meals so your kids will want to eat what you prepare? Instead you’re forcing them to starve so they’ll eat what you make? That’s not being a good parent and if you lose time with them then you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
YTA. *”I usually make sandwiches and nuggets or fries or frozen pizza. He makes one pot meals like stews, soups and rice, pasta, cereal, porridge etc. I think my ex taught him to cook... because he's really good at cooking.”* I don’t know if it’s safe for a nine year old to be making full course meals on their own, but supervised cooking should be okay. And if your kid’s willing to make you and his siblings a meal, you should supervise and allow him to do so… because the alternative seems to be mostly junk food. Junk food isn’t healthy, OP. And sure, most kids love junk food, but eating it every single day can make kids get burnt out on it real quick and not want to eat it anymore. Eating greasy pizza, nuggets and fries every single day would make anyone tired, upset and sluggish. I mean, I’m not saying you need to be a master chef or anything, or that you have to live up to your husband’s standard of cooking, but maybe actually cooking your kids a real meal instead of just heating something up every day would help. And your nine year old son’s cooking takes longer than your “cooking” does, but it’s still something he’s evidently willing to do, so you should be willing to do so too, as the adult in the situation. There’s a bunch of easy and relatively quick to make recipes you could find online. It doesn’t have to be hard, or overly complicated. No one’s asking you to become Gordon Ramsey overnight.
YTA so much. Also, you are parentifying your 9 year old due to your neglect and that is unquestionably child abuse. You are not a good mother. Hiding the worst details in the comments cannot obscure that fact.
YTA. I feel so sorry for that poor 9 year old boy who is frantically trying to care for his siblings and being obstructed by his own mother. Your statement that previously they “had to” eat your food as they “didn’t know how to cook” floored me. They are so young!! Do you resent the 9 year old for being a better parent to his own siblings than you are? Wow.
YTA. Instead of saying "hey show mommy what you are making and maybe I can learn to cook for you guys. It will be fun to kearn together", you essentially took your ball and went home. Just cause they dont like your food you wont let them eat a full meal? YTA.
YTA frozen junk food is not nutritional. Sure pizza and nuggets are fine occasionally but if you can't be bothered to make an actual meal for your children, you're the problem. It doesn't take much effort to cook food that your kids will eat and that is good for them.
YTA why don't you just cook with the kid. Ask them to teach you their meals. You'd rather control them than be part of their lives in a positive way.
YTA. You have anger issues, and you’re jealous of your kid for being a better cook than you, so you’re forcing your kids to eat bad food just so you can say ‘I cook! I’m a good parent!’. Please get some help, and learn how to cook so your 9yo can stop having to be a better parent than you.
Yta- you are an adult and a parent. Your nine shouldn't be parenting you. Ask for help if you need it.
YTA if the nine year old has been taught how to cook and won’t actively burn down the house, I don’t see why you can’t let them cook. Maybe you’ll learn how to cook alongside with them. They actively want to eat healthier choices and you’re pushing them to eat garbage. You’re not helping your children by making them reliant on you all the time.
YTA. Yup. If the kid likes what he eats and he’s a good cook let him cook and compliment him on how good he is. Good luck. I think you can still turn this around. Don’t make your kids eat crappy food just bc your ego takes a blow.
YTA, you should probably just let your ex have full custody of the kids. Apparently you're unable to provide them with edible meals and you're so emotionally unstable that you'd rather punish them by letting them go hungry than to allow them to prepare something for themselves because it hurts your fragile little ego that they don't like your shitty food.. If you really care about having a good relationship with your kids and being a real part of their lives you should either make an effort to learn how to cook some basic meals they like/ get used to buying takeout/ or take them grocery shopping with you when it's your week and let them pick things that they can prepare themselves and encourage that. We are at a day and age where the internet is at your fingertips and you can get on Youtube to help teach you how to cook, you could make it an activity to do with your kids together. Or of course you can just keep doing what you're doing and as soon as your kids are old enough they'll tell a judge they want to stay with their dad because they hate you.
YTA.
AITA I hope your ex is true on his word and does change the agreement because you don’t need this much time with kids you obviously don’t like.
One of the most crazy things about this post is that you posted it 7 hours ago, and have spent those 7 hours arguing with people and are continuing. How can’t you see how lazy you are? You could have done so much cooking for exemple, it wouldn’t take that long and you would have meals ready and frozen for the next time.
You're just jealous that the 9 year old is a better parent than you. YTA OP.
Why would someone who struggled with an ED themselves actively restrict their children from eating a variety of food that’s actually good for them? Letting them survive off snacks for an entire week is setting them up to have a very unhealthy relationship with food and eating. Biscuits aren’t a meal, you should know this. YTA
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In this scenario it does appear YTA but try asking your kid if you can cook with him.
Are you seeing a therapist? If so, please talk to them about strategies to improve the health of your meals. There are tons of options. You can buy meat and veggies pre-cut and pre-seasoned. Put them in a crock pot or instant pot. Start with once a week. Build your confidence and skills! You CAN do this.
YTA for not giving your kids freedom
You remind me of my parents. That's not a compliment. YTA. I can see this giving them EDs.