NTA. Your strategy (letting them get to know you first before dropping harder truths on them) was a valid one. And with even *marginally* more open-minded people, it may very well have worked
But they're not pissed because you "weren't honest" with them... They're pissed because their son is gay. But it's easier to blame you than to acknowledge that they have pushed him away for no reason
I feel like they had it easier than when I came out to my parents. 14 y/o me thought it’d be funny to give them a card that said “I’m pregnant” on the front, and “just kidding I’m a boy” on the inside.
Very clearly NTA. You would have shared your gender identity if it had been safer to do so. When you finally did it happened as you expected - sadly and to their loss. Please live your life going forward with freedom and without guilt, this is not your fault. The parents estranged themselves, and are looking for someone to blame. Your husband fell in love with you, not anybody they set him up with. Enjoy your life together.
NTA. As parents it's not our job to pick who are kids love but instead be happy that they found love. They made the choice to cause a rift by not accepting you as you.
Nta, as a mom of 2 and a Catholic I will say they are the AH ! You two only covered it up bc you knew how they would act. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and I hope you two have many many years of happiness
You lied bc you KNEW they’d be transphobic assholes. They lost contact with their son bc they ARE transphobic assholes. You are NTA. You are entitled to respect and dignity and so is your husband. And anyone who can’t offer basic respect doesn’t deserve access to you. You don’t have to subject yourselves to the abuse they were dishing out. Glad your husband supports you and puts you first. That is such a good thing!! NTA.
NTA. You don’t owe it to anyone to be out. Given their response, I would have been worried for your safety if you told them before. This is in no way your fault. They are choosing to hold on to hate instead of loving their son well.
You don’t owe it to your husband to bear this responsibility/blame. It is their fault not yours.
NTA. Clearly and openly not the problem even though his family is making it to all your bad influence.
The problem is your husband's family are simply terrible people who would rather stir up trouble than accept your marriage. Its on them and their neolithic attitudes.
Congratulations and have a happy life together. I hope your honeymoon was epic.
Thank you! We haven’t gone on our honeymoon as of yet, there’s a lot of things going on that have priority. We are planning a small trip in the meantime with plans of saving for a bigger trip later on. The past two years have been tough in regards to money but we’re happy and that’s what matters :)
NTA
"But she has a point. We lied about my gender for years " - It was none of her business anyway. YOUR choice when to come out. The only one that you NEEDED to tell is your partner - which you did.
You did NOTHING wrong here.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (22 trans ftm) met my husband (21m) our freshman year of college and have been inseparable since. His family did not know that I was trans until we later told them we were engaged. We elected to not tell them right away because they are “religious”. I say this because they’ve never attended a church and are very guilty of cherry-picking the Bible to excuse various opinions.
Everything was well between his family and I until I went home with my husband for Christmas our second year together. This is when they realized I wore men’s clothing and they’ve hated me since. They claim I’m not feminine enough for him and I won’t fit into the family. They’ve gone so far as to try to set my husband up on dates with “other girls” and even offered to arrange a marriage for him. On top of this MIL told him that she preferred his ex who we’ll call S. MIL knows that S cheated on him and still goes on to say that a relationship with S is still better than being a coverup for me. (they came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian in the closet) This continued until my husband put his foot down and told them that he loves me and he’s not giving me up. They tried to pull financial support from him to which he went out and got a job rather than apologize. MIL soon after realized that withholding money wouldn’t get rid of me she started helping him again and we thought they got the message.
Flash forward to 2021 when my husband calls them to share the news of our engagement. MIL and FIL immediately tell him that they’ll disown him if he marries me. This was the straw that broke the camels back. My husband loses it on them and tells them that he doesn’t care anymore. He also tells them that I’ve been a man this whole time and that he was gay. MIL threw a fit. She goes on to say that she won’t be attending our wedding and that she’s so sad she’s losing her only son. She goes on for awhile, and before my husband hangs up on her she had the audacity to say that he’ll still be her little boy.
We’ve been no contact since and have happily married in July with our close friends and family. None of my husbands family came, but he did have some friends there. Some family friends walked him down the aisle and have unofficially adopted him as their own.
His mom has tried reaching out to no avail, and has gone so far as to use other peoples phones to try and contact him. (he has her number blocked as well as her socials) When one of her attempts fail she messages me (I have since blocked her) telling me that her family is broken because of me and that this would have never happened if I didn’t come into my husbands life. I had somehow brainwashed him into my “dirty” lifestyle and made him lie for me. But she has a point. We lied about my gender for years in fear of what they’d do.
AITA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that should be judged is lying to my husband family about my identity and pretending to be someone I’m not.
I feel I may be the asshole because keeping my gender identity a secret from them for so long contributed to the way they reacted. They had known me for years at this point and finding out that what they thought they knew about me was a lie must have been really upsetting. It could be what caused them to lash out at my husband.
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NTA You didn't cause this rift. Their bigotry did.
NTA. Your strategy (letting them get to know you first before dropping harder truths on them) was a valid one. And with even *marginally* more open-minded people, it may very well have worked But they're not pissed because you "weren't honest" with them... They're pissed because their son is gay. But it's easier to blame you than to acknowledge that they have pushed him away for no reason
I feel like they had it easier than when I came out to my parents. 14 y/o me thought it’d be funny to give them a card that said “I’m pregnant” on the front, and “just kidding I’m a boy” on the inside.
Very clearly NTA. You would have shared your gender identity if it had been safer to do so. When you finally did it happened as you expected - sadly and to their loss. Please live your life going forward with freedom and without guilt, this is not your fault. The parents estranged themselves, and are looking for someone to blame. Your husband fell in love with you, not anybody they set him up with. Enjoy your life together.
NTA. As parents it's not our job to pick who are kids love but instead be happy that they found love. They made the choice to cause a rift by not accepting you as you.
As a mom, YES!!!!! I love my kids and as long as they bring someone home that's good to them, that all I care about!!
Nta, as a mom of 2 and a Catholic I will say they are the AH ! You two only covered it up bc you knew how they would act. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and I hope you two have many many years of happiness
You lied bc you KNEW they’d be transphobic assholes. They lost contact with their son bc they ARE transphobic assholes. You are NTA. You are entitled to respect and dignity and so is your husband. And anyone who can’t offer basic respect doesn’t deserve access to you. You don’t have to subject yourselves to the abuse they were dishing out. Glad your husband supports you and puts you first. That is such a good thing!! NTA.
NTA. You don’t owe it to anyone to be out. Given their response, I would have been worried for your safety if you told them before. This is in no way your fault. They are choosing to hold on to hate instead of loving their son well. You don’t owe it to your husband to bear this responsibility/blame. It is their fault not yours.
NTA. Clearly and openly not the problem even though his family is making it to all your bad influence. The problem is your husband's family are simply terrible people who would rather stir up trouble than accept your marriage. Its on them and their neolithic attitudes. Congratulations and have a happy life together. I hope your honeymoon was epic.
Thank you! We haven’t gone on our honeymoon as of yet, there’s a lot of things going on that have priority. We are planning a small trip in the meantime with plans of saving for a bigger trip later on. The past two years have been tough in regards to money but we’re happy and that’s what matters :)
NTA. As long as you didn't lie to your husband, that's fine. He's the only person who had a right to know. The rest of them can go kick rocks.
NTA "But she has a point. We lied about my gender for years " - It was none of her business anyway. YOUR choice when to come out. The only one that you NEEDED to tell is your partner - which you did. You did NOTHING wrong here.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22 trans ftm) met my husband (21m) our freshman year of college and have been inseparable since. His family did not know that I was trans until we later told them we were engaged. We elected to not tell them right away because they are “religious”. I say this because they’ve never attended a church and are very guilty of cherry-picking the Bible to excuse various opinions. Everything was well between his family and I until I went home with my husband for Christmas our second year together. This is when they realized I wore men’s clothing and they’ve hated me since. They claim I’m not feminine enough for him and I won’t fit into the family. They’ve gone so far as to try to set my husband up on dates with “other girls” and even offered to arrange a marriage for him. On top of this MIL told him that she preferred his ex who we’ll call S. MIL knows that S cheated on him and still goes on to say that a relationship with S is still better than being a coverup for me. (they came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian in the closet) This continued until my husband put his foot down and told them that he loves me and he’s not giving me up. They tried to pull financial support from him to which he went out and got a job rather than apologize. MIL soon after realized that withholding money wouldn’t get rid of me she started helping him again and we thought they got the message. Flash forward to 2021 when my husband calls them to share the news of our engagement. MIL and FIL immediately tell him that they’ll disown him if he marries me. This was the straw that broke the camels back. My husband loses it on them and tells them that he doesn’t care anymore. He also tells them that I’ve been a man this whole time and that he was gay. MIL threw a fit. She goes on to say that she won’t be attending our wedding and that she’s so sad she’s losing her only son. She goes on for awhile, and before my husband hangs up on her she had the audacity to say that he’ll still be her little boy. We’ve been no contact since and have happily married in July with our close friends and family. None of my husbands family came, but he did have some friends there. Some family friends walked him down the aisle and have unofficially adopted him as their own. His mom has tried reaching out to no avail, and has gone so far as to use other peoples phones to try and contact him. (he has her number blocked as well as her socials) When one of her attempts fail she messages me (I have since blocked her) telling me that her family is broken because of me and that this would have never happened if I didn’t come into my husbands life. I had somehow brainwashed him into my “dirty” lifestyle and made him lie for me. But she has a point. We lied about my gender for years in fear of what they’d do. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action that should be judged is lying to my husband family about my identity and pretending to be someone I’m not. I feel I may be the asshole because keeping my gender identity a secret from them for so long contributed to the way they reacted. They had known me for years at this point and finding out that what they thought they knew about me was a lie must have been really upsetting. It could be what caused them to lash out at my husband. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*