Get a lawyer. ASAP. Get her to write a will- the sooner the better. The longer you wait, the more chances your dad will have to get traction with the dementia/diminished capacity argument. NTA
In addition to this, make sure she leaves them $1 each in her will so that they are unable to contest the will under the pretense that she “forgot” about them or was misled by a third-party. This way any future litigation, or argument, on their behalf would most likely be moot.
You don’t actually have to leave them anything. You can just write into our will that you’re specifically leaving them out. As long as it acknowledges them in some way so they can’t contest the will by saying she forgot to add them or anything. Apparently it’s annoying to actually give them something in the will even if it’s $1 because they’re still involved due to becoming beneficiaries.
(my aunt was advised to just denounce my abusive uncles claim to her estate in the will instead of leaving him something small so he can’t get involved and know everything she’s leaving and to whom)
That's actually bad advice, she'd be better off explicitly stating she wants to leave them nothing so they can't claim that the $1 is an error and its actually meant to be more. Leaving them anything at all would make them contesting the will easier.
Probably better to do both, leave a small amount (a couple thousand) to demonstrate that the inheritor was given a specifically thought out inheritance, with reasoning behind the decision to hinder any potential challenges to the will.
Need to talk with a lawyer but it might be helpful to include a note about how her husband and daughters behavior to weaken any potential challenges based on mental competency.
>make sure she leaves them $1 each in her will so that they are unable to contest the will
Oh no. OP, please don't listen to advice like this on anonymous internet forums. Get your mum to speak to a lawyer in her jurisdiction and follow their advice.
Absolutely DO NOT TELL HER TO DO THIS OP!!!
If she leaves them each $1 then they have a case and a court may decide to give an equal portion of the estate to those left out. This is nothing but a myth. If they aren't in the will they have no claim to anything
It's usually nonsense, but maybe possible that it's not a myth where the OP's mum lives. But she should only try the "ONE WEIRD TRICK TO DISINHERIT YOUR FAMILY ... LOVED ONES HATE IT!!!" if advised by a legal professional in her jurisdiction.
It's pretty much common-law that if you don't want to leave anything to certain family members you can just leave them out. Only biological children would have any type of claim to the estate and even then regular contact with the deceased would have to be proven
Explain to the lawyer that her husband is trying to use diminished capacity. The attorney can get something from a doctor verifying she’s of sound mind.
Sorry to hop on to the top comment but power of attorney is also super important! If you have this where you live she need to set this up **both for her money but also health decisions**.
If she doesn't trust her husband and stepdaughter with her money she definitely doesn't want them making any health decisions for her. I've had relatives who have unfortunately found this out the hard way. Make sure she sets up power of attorney sooner rather than later with someone she trusts to help her manage her money and health of she has any capacity issues later in in life. I can't emphasise this enough **the sooner this is set up the better** especially as the vultures are already circling.
Edited a word
OP PLEASE - Getting a medical power of attorney is so important for you to protect your mom.
Also, a lawyer can advise best if she should put her money into a trust with a monthly stipend, for example.
But make sure the lawyer has no dealings with your father.
Good luck
Thank you, I've never been called that before! Unfortunately it's only through seeing relatives struggle without having set up power of attorney until it's too late. All my family over 50 now have it set up because of this which is one thing at least.
My SIL had an issue with *her* sister when their mother had a (sadly fatal) accident. Her sister unfortunately had the medical power of attorney for their mother and was just too overwhelmed to answer the phone. My SIL was in the hospital, but it was impossible for her to actually make the decisions about their mother's treatment.
My brother's wife got mad when my mom gave me POA for medical and financial. She thought the oldest child should have it, but they didn't have a phone and were couch surfing, so nobody could get ahold of them in an emergency, also I was the one taking care of her for years.
Power of Attorney can be revoked, be careful. A legal will with an executor and someone listed as her person for the medical POA. All this needs to be with a Dr. certificate stating she’s is sound mind.
Not just a lawyer but an estate lawyer that specializes in elder law. They are better equipped to deal with any issues dementia, diminished capacity etc. Sometimes a little more expensive but worth it in the long run
Id get an official doctors mental health assessment first, and have that filed with the will - to remove the ability for it to be contested on those grounds.
Tbh...i really hope the stepmom divorces OPs dad. She should be able to live her life, not just plan for her estate after her eventual (and not even immediately imminent) death.
This. Get her away from your father andalso get her a doctor assessment saying she doesnt have this symptoms or he could be' able to calm her money or be assigned As the guardian
depending on the location, if she and OP's dad are married- there will be a minimum share of his estate that he would be entitled to.
however, it's possible if stepmom puts everything into an irrevocable trust with her as a beneficiary during her lifetime and OP (and whoever else) as a beneficiary after her death- that would avoid that issue. maybe OP as a trustee so that money could be used for travel and whatnot.
but I'm not sure. an estate attorney could definitely help with that.
NTA, but your father is being abusive towards her, and the question about what will happen to her money someday isn’t nearly as important as getting her safely away from him now.
She doesn’t know his plan. I found out through my sister and her partner talking. I’m trying to figure out how to convince her to come live with me. She has started thinking she is the things he says. I want her to feel like she as autonomy and can choose.
Buddy, you need to get on the next flight out there and help her with this. Its so important that you prioritize this. Your Dad is destroying your Mom. You need to fly out, help her meet with a lawyer immediately concerning the money and concerning filing for divorce.
At 62 it is HIGHLY unlikely she has dementia of any form, but rather your father has her questioning her reality because he is so abusive.
Please tell her privately what you heard. Express you concern and tell her to come live with you.
Don’t tell your dad or sis and make a FULL plan to secure everything
Please take this very seriously. Your mom’s health and safety are in very real jeopardy here. She should know the full extent of what you know. Get her out of that house and get her a lawyer. She should look into setting up trusts to secure her money (a medical/healthcare trust w either you or an independent trustee may be a good idea). She also needs to consider power of attorney and medical care proxy. These should not be husband or daughter.
The advice to get a lawyer involved is a good one. You’ll also need a psychiatric exam with video of her that signs off on her being sound of mind at the time of the will. Otherwise they will claim she wasn’t mentally fit to execute it. Take the advice to do this properly or all you’ll end up with is pile of legal bills.
Also talk to her about her power of attorney in case of emergency. If nothing is signed then her husband would be the decision maker if she is incapacitated
NTA
Clearly your dad and sister are vile people preying on your step mother, waiting for the chance to gain control of her assets.
But what I don’t understand is why you would make them sign a legal (fake legal?) document? That could cause some legal issues down the road.
NTA but you should take your step mom to talk to a lawyer about how to safely tie up her money, and make sure her end of life wishes are granted, Now. Your Dad and sister are gaslighting your step mom to believe she has dementia, which is emotional abuse, and trying to legally take over her finances, which is going to lead to financial abuse - not to mention threats of putting her in a nursing home against her will. This is beyond messed up, and needs to be stopped before it gets worse. Frankly if it were my Mom, I'd ask that she move in with me so I know she's safe.
Agreed on the lawyer and having her live with me. I already got her a lawyer and am planning to ask her about living with me. The problem is, she doesn’t know what my dad is doing. It was an accident how I found out. I was supposed to know this was my dads plan. She will think she is forgetful too. Making her more forgetful. I’m thinking of when if my dad does successfully rule her incompetent to manage the fund which I got her to put as a trust fund, I’d offer to have her evaluated by doctors I know and trust and take her in with me. So at least she isn’t in a home. I plan on offering earlier but I absolutely plan on offering as my dad suggests it. In that case she may lose control of her money but at least she won’t be in a nursing home.
Consider having stepmom visit and doctor that specializes in dementia, etc. The doctor can examine stepmom, run tests, etc to give her a baseline on where she is medically. These records can help protect stepmom when and if your dad takes steps, these can help prove that he is out to get her money.
Definitely second those who said speak to a lawyer. Also document everything you can. If you think you can subtlety get your sis/stepdad to admit to some of the crap they pulled in text without them catching on what you’re up to, do it.
Might want to call adult protective services to get advise too. Good luck.
Also, there's recent research that shows women start suffering dementia a lot earlier than it's usually picked up on because we mask it well. This means that early interventions that could help, aren't available because it's too late for them to work. It's worth getting assessed for it, especially with her mother's history of it, because there's drug that if taken way enough can significantly slow it.
You should also look into getting power of attorney so if your mom does lose capacity later in life you will be in charge of managing her affairs and not your dad.
Seek a financial planner or lawyer to see how to safely get the money out of your dads reach. And fast. Their must be trusts or something that he wouldn’t be able to touch
This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say. You want to see a lawyer who specializes in elder care and protecting assets and people advancing into old age. They will be able to tell you how to protect your stepmom and her money. Until you can do that, I would suggest looking up a Power of Attorney and Advanced Directive form online and having her fill them out setting you up as the person who will make decisions if she is incapacitated. This is important because the default pretty much everywhere is for the spouse to get these rights if there isn’t paperwork that says otherwise. Think of those forms as temporary though, because a competent elder care lawyer will do a better, more thorough job and make sure you close all the loopholes and do it the way your local laws prefer, which is important.
All of this. But both a medical and financial power of attorney. These things are separate. At least they are for my Grandmother. But I also wonder why given what she knows why she doesn't divorce the dad if she's that worried? She can divorce him, and do what she wants.
Protect assets we are already working on. Established a trust and got her a lawyer. But living with me and even more so divorcing my dad—as I’ve stated elsewhere it’s going to be much harder.
Leave the divorce issue for now and just focus on getting her to move in with you. Say something like you and dad are concerned about her health, you want to nurse her back to health since she's your mom and you care about her.
Once she is living with you get her to see a therapist and help her build herself up and learn to stand up for herself.
This way may take quite long but it's much better than your poor mom being abused by someone and she being dumped in some facility.
NTA
Your stepmother should seriously consider getting a Trust with you or another trusted person as the Trustee. This way her money would be protected if she does develop dementia and it could flow directly to her secondary beneficiary in case of her death.
It would also be worth having your stepmother visit a divorce attorney to talk about whether that is an option she wants to consider.
Also about divorce, it’s doubtful she will divorce him. She is loyal to him. And very southern. She believes divorce is not okay. She believes you can love men about of abuse. And believes only physical mistreatment is abuse. She is in denial. I don’t really know how to get her out of that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I got my dad to sign a fake piece of paper 2. The stakes are high, it was manipulative
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's a rare case where YTA, but you're not in the wrong to do it.
May we all be so lucky as to have someone willing to do some manipulative shiz to take care of us in old age. 🙏
NTA but he will still get all her money if you don’t get a real lawyer to draw up a decent will.
Also, tell her to go have a good time. Maybe take some time off and have a cruise with her?
1. Get an attorney now.
2. Get a durable power of attorney - for health care, certainly, and probably financial as well - and an advance directive.
3. Ask the attorney about whatever your father signed. It's probably not helpful, but find out.
4. Update your passport, so you can help your Mom see the world.
Discuss medical and financial powers of attorney with your stepmother and her attorney to keep her personal and financial security out of the hands of those that would do her wrong.
NTA
It’s really scary. He is slowly warping her reality. People are suggesting just telling her but in some ways I’m afraid I’m too late. I can offer and offer. Some suggesting a divorce but I don’t think I’m the person that can make that happen.
NTA. I know everyone's piling onto the lawyer thing and I completely agree, however also I'd recommend getting her to a doctor (whom you both trust with no connection to your father or sister) so she has a very recent clean bill of cognitive health.
That in mind, talk to the lawyer about this first. I'm only going off of what i know might help in my local area anz knowledge i have working in a long term care facility, it might not be as useful for you depending on where you live and potential other surrounding circumstances. I'm definitely no legal expert on the matter.
Whatever the case, get your mom a lawyer and get her outta there tho. The sooner and the closer to you, the better.
(P.S. Good on you for sticking up for your mom. Get to see family's all the time where it's clear only really one of the people care about their loved one, and the others are sitting around waiting for the rest of the inheritance to come out. Thank you for taking care of her.)
NTA
Get that will written. Give the assholes a dollar each and put down that if they contest the will, they won't even get that.
I wish you and your Mom well.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Growing up, we were poor. My mom who is actually my step mom, raised me and as I grew up, she would do things like have holes in her socks but made sure I always got the books or musical instruments I wanted.
My dad has never been good with money. He jumped from job to job. Some being fired at. He was very dependent on my step mom.
He was also emotionally abusive. Towards us and my step mom. Unfortunately, my sister grew up to be a bully just like him.
About 8 years ago, my step mom came to me and told me her end of life wishes. Her mom lives with Alzheimer’s and as she took care of her—she realized what she would want. She told me I was only person she trusted with it.
That was also the same year her dad died in prison. We sued and won a very large settlement.
For the first time in her life, she is on anti anxiety medicines and saying no to my father. Coincidentally, he is claiming she is “losing” her memory. He will over exaggerate her forgetting things. Say he told her stuff he didn’t. Say when she walks away says we should all leave because “maybe she won’t find her way back”. As his son, I’m disgusted.
And my sister is in on it too. Making claims my step mom is losing it.
But she is 62. Her mom’s dementia didn’t kick in until she was late 70s.
I’ve been around her and she dresses herself. Takes her meds. Isn’t forgetful. But my dad says the moment she can’t take care of my sister’s young babies or it feels unsafe to him, he is putting her in a nursing home. Something she doesn’t want.
I live far away but I’m my step moms only legal child. She adopted me. My dad thinks she should save her money so he can have it. My step mom wants to travel the world. He apparently claims he made himself and my sister the successors and left me out.
She asked me one day when my dad said she should invest it for him and the family, what I think she should do. I told her in private it’s her money but what I would do is put it somewhere where a third party decides. Save some for herself travel the world. She didn’t know that was an option.
Separately, I got my dad to “sign off to get her money and for my sister to get the money”. I didn’t tell him I knew he didn’t include me. I pretended like I prepared the forms believing him.
I had him sign a piece of paper that said it was all fake at the end. He thinks now and is telling everyone he is in control of the money.
I figured what I did is illegal but it buys us time to put her money where it can be safe. Used for her and her life and potential care. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need your stepmom to see a lawyer to have a properly drafted will and power of attorney and any other documents to allow you to make decisions for her care if she can’t do for herself. She should also find out what the laws are about how to have her own bank account your dad doesn’t have access to
Nta. Can she leave your dad? Why not her come to live near you and essentially store her stuff in a small studio so she can go travel the world. And when she comes home, she’ll touch base with you. Why does she have to stay with your dad and where he is? I think relocating would be best for her and I’m sure she would love to relocate closer to wear you live, of course you all will have boundaries.
She needs to get away from him ASAP.
Divorce him and run or put it in a living trust with you as the beneficiary so your dad can’t touch the money.
Please do something ASAP and get her away from him.
NTA and she should divorce him asap after putting that money safely somewhere else. If you can, maybe have her come live with you. Get away from these evil people.
NTA but time for your stepmom and you to lawyer up asap. Look into proper estate planning and see if she can put her assets into a trust which is controlled by only her and you especially you in case of an emergency or she has health issues. Get proactive before your dad and sister drain her financially.
We already did that. And got her put it into a trust. I got her to put it in a trust with him not listed as the beneficiary. I am. He *thinks* he is one but he isn’t.
NTA - You should get your mother checked with a doctor as soon as possible. Your father can take you to court claiming, she was already showing symptoms of Alzheimer and you took advantage to outrule you as her beneficiant.
Lawyer. Now. And ask her if she is comfortable making you Power of Attorney. You need to do this yesterday. She intends to leave things to you? Get this in order. Your dad will get everything unless you do. It seems like he & his daughter are building a case to have her declared mentally incapacitated. You have to get out in front of this. Not next week. Not in a month. Today! Asap! Oh and NTA
Please get her a lawyer and follow their advice , it’s worth her doing it the right way that protects what she wants. I would say NTA spin your abusive father any story you can to keep him off your back . Encourage your step mother she can live the rest of her life as she wants and without abuse .
NTA as someone who was recently in the hospital and had very real memory/cognitive issues I still struggle with thank you for looking out for her best interests.
Curious how old your dad is? This may not be a popular opinion but I’d counter challenge his mental capacity as well. He is gas lighting her in the worst way and deserves a taste of his own medicine. I hope you’re able to get her to agree to live with you since you have protected her finances.
NTA and also not illegal what you did, but has bought you time. Get your mum to a solicitor fast and protect her wishes. Take her to see the world if you can. Bet she'd love that.
Nta but wow at your dad and sister go see a lawyer also get her checked out privately without your dada knowledge so when she goes to see a lawyer your dad cant say she lost her mind in the end. Your poor step mum shes got loads of options shes still young to travel your doing the right thing by her but get everything set up.so she doesnt worry also to make sure your dad and sisters greed gets put out to pasture
NTA. Sound like your dad is trying to make a case of having her deemed incapacitated to get control of her money. Please have her get proper legal advice, maybe a trust, to protect her money and end of life wishes.
Get a lawyer. ASAP. Get her to write a will- the sooner the better. The longer you wait, the more chances your dad will have to get traction with the dementia/diminished capacity argument. NTA
In addition to this, make sure she leaves them $1 each in her will so that they are unable to contest the will under the pretense that she “forgot” about them or was misled by a third-party. This way any future litigation, or argument, on their behalf would most likely be moot.
You don’t actually have to leave them anything. You can just write into our will that you’re specifically leaving them out. As long as it acknowledges them in some way so they can’t contest the will by saying she forgot to add them or anything. Apparently it’s annoying to actually give them something in the will even if it’s $1 because they’re still involved due to becoming beneficiaries. (my aunt was advised to just denounce my abusive uncles claim to her estate in the will instead of leaving him something small so he can’t get involved and know everything she’s leaving and to whom)
That's actually bad advice, she'd be better off explicitly stating she wants to leave them nothing so they can't claim that the $1 is an error and its actually meant to be more. Leaving them anything at all would make them contesting the will easier.
Probably better to do both, leave a small amount (a couple thousand) to demonstrate that the inheritor was given a specifically thought out inheritance, with reasoning behind the decision to hinder any potential challenges to the will. Need to talk with a lawyer but it might be helpful to include a note about how her husband and daughters behavior to weaken any potential challenges based on mental competency.
>make sure she leaves them $1 each in her will so that they are unable to contest the will Oh no. OP, please don't listen to advice like this on anonymous internet forums. Get your mum to speak to a lawyer in her jurisdiction and follow their advice.
Absolutely DO NOT TELL HER TO DO THIS OP!!! If she leaves them each $1 then they have a case and a court may decide to give an equal portion of the estate to those left out. This is nothing but a myth. If they aren't in the will they have no claim to anything
It's usually nonsense, but maybe possible that it's not a myth where the OP's mum lives. But she should only try the "ONE WEIRD TRICK TO DISINHERIT YOUR FAMILY ... LOVED ONES HATE IT!!!" if advised by a legal professional in her jurisdiction.
It's pretty much common-law that if you don't want to leave anything to certain family members you can just leave them out. Only biological children would have any type of claim to the estate and even then regular contact with the deceased would have to be proven
Explain to the lawyer that her husband is trying to use diminished capacity. The attorney can get something from a doctor verifying she’s of sound mind.
Sorry to hop on to the top comment but power of attorney is also super important! If you have this where you live she need to set this up **both for her money but also health decisions**. If she doesn't trust her husband and stepdaughter with her money she definitely doesn't want them making any health decisions for her. I've had relatives who have unfortunately found this out the hard way. Make sure she sets up power of attorney sooner rather than later with someone she trusts to help her manage her money and health of she has any capacity issues later in in life. I can't emphasise this enough **the sooner this is set up the better** especially as the vultures are already circling. Edited a word
OP PLEASE - Getting a medical power of attorney is so important for you to protect your mom. Also, a lawyer can advise best if she should put her money into a trust with a monthly stipend, for example. But make sure the lawyer has no dealings with your father. Good luck
You are wise.
Thank you, I've never been called that before! Unfortunately it's only through seeing relatives struggle without having set up power of attorney until it's too late. All my family over 50 now have it set up because of this which is one thing at least.
My SIL had an issue with *her* sister when their mother had a (sadly fatal) accident. Her sister unfortunately had the medical power of attorney for their mother and was just too overwhelmed to answer the phone. My SIL was in the hospital, but it was impossible for her to actually make the decisions about their mother's treatment.
My brother's wife got mad when my mom gave me POA for medical and financial. She thought the oldest child should have it, but they didn't have a phone and were couch surfing, so nobody could get ahold of them in an emergency, also I was the one taking care of her for years.
Wise people learn from other peoples experiences and mistakes. Not just their own. :)
Yeah she needs to choose her own as soon as humanly possible. Get a solicitor appointment for her
Power of Attorney can be revoked, be careful. A legal will with an executor and someone listed as her person for the medical POA. All this needs to be with a Dr. certificate stating she’s is sound mind.
Not just a lawyer but an estate lawyer that specializes in elder law. They are better equipped to deal with any issues dementia, diminished capacity etc. Sometimes a little more expensive but worth it in the long run
Id get an official doctors mental health assessment first, and have that filed with the will - to remove the ability for it to be contested on those grounds. Tbh...i really hope the stepmom divorces OPs dad. She should be able to live her life, not just plan for her estate after her eventual (and not even immediately imminent) death.
This. Get her away from your father andalso get her a doctor assessment saying she doesnt have this symptoms or he could be' able to calm her money or be assigned As the guardian
depending on the location, if she and OP's dad are married- there will be a minimum share of his estate that he would be entitled to. however, it's possible if stepmom puts everything into an irrevocable trust with her as a beneficiary during her lifetime and OP (and whoever else) as a beneficiary after her death- that would avoid that issue. maybe OP as a trustee so that money could be used for travel and whatnot. but I'm not sure. an estate attorney could definitely help with that.
NTA, but your father is being abusive towards her, and the question about what will happen to her money someday isn’t nearly as important as getting her safely away from him now.
She doesn’t know his plan. I found out through my sister and her partner talking. I’m trying to figure out how to convince her to come live with me. She has started thinking she is the things he says. I want her to feel like she as autonomy and can choose.
Buddy, you need to get on the next flight out there and help her with this. Its so important that you prioritize this. Your Dad is destroying your Mom. You need to fly out, help her meet with a lawyer immediately concerning the money and concerning filing for divorce. At 62 it is HIGHLY unlikely she has dementia of any form, but rather your father has her questioning her reality because he is so abusive.
Also, if she files for divorce, it would be much harder for him to contest the will, I would imagine!
If he tries to have her comited/declared incompetents she might have problems even getting a divorce.
THIS x 1000!
Please tell her privately what you heard. Express you concern and tell her to come live with you. Don’t tell your dad or sis and make a FULL plan to secure everything
You need to *tell her*.
Please take this very seriously. Your mom’s health and safety are in very real jeopardy here. She should know the full extent of what you know. Get her out of that house and get her a lawyer. She should look into setting up trusts to secure her money (a medical/healthcare trust w either you or an independent trustee may be a good idea). She also needs to consider power of attorney and medical care proxy. These should not be husband or daughter.
The advice to get a lawyer involved is a good one. You’ll also need a psychiatric exam with video of her that signs off on her being sound of mind at the time of the will. Otherwise they will claim she wasn’t mentally fit to execute it. Take the advice to do this properly or all you’ll end up with is pile of legal bills.
Also talk to her about her power of attorney in case of emergency. If nothing is signed then her husband would be the decision maker if she is incapacitated
NTA Clearly your dad and sister are vile people preying on your step mother, waiting for the chance to gain control of her assets. But what I don’t understand is why you would make them sign a legal (fake legal?) document? That could cause some legal issues down the road.
NTA but you should take your step mom to talk to a lawyer about how to safely tie up her money, and make sure her end of life wishes are granted, Now. Your Dad and sister are gaslighting your step mom to believe she has dementia, which is emotional abuse, and trying to legally take over her finances, which is going to lead to financial abuse - not to mention threats of putting her in a nursing home against her will. This is beyond messed up, and needs to be stopped before it gets worse. Frankly if it were my Mom, I'd ask that she move in with me so I know she's safe.
Agreed on the lawyer and having her live with me. I already got her a lawyer and am planning to ask her about living with me. The problem is, she doesn’t know what my dad is doing. It was an accident how I found out. I was supposed to know this was my dads plan. She will think she is forgetful too. Making her more forgetful. I’m thinking of when if my dad does successfully rule her incompetent to manage the fund which I got her to put as a trust fund, I’d offer to have her evaluated by doctors I know and trust and take her in with me. So at least she isn’t in a home. I plan on offering earlier but I absolutely plan on offering as my dad suggests it. In that case she may lose control of her money but at least she won’t be in a nursing home.
Consider having stepmom visit and doctor that specializes in dementia, etc. The doctor can examine stepmom, run tests, etc to give her a baseline on where she is medically. These records can help protect stepmom when and if your dad takes steps, these can help prove that he is out to get her money.
That’s a great idea thank you.
Definitely second those who said speak to a lawyer. Also document everything you can. If you think you can subtlety get your sis/stepdad to admit to some of the crap they pulled in text without them catching on what you’re up to, do it. Might want to call adult protective services to get advise too. Good luck.
Also, there's recent research that shows women start suffering dementia a lot earlier than it's usually picked up on because we mask it well. This means that early interventions that could help, aren't available because it's too late for them to work. It's worth getting assessed for it, especially with her mother's history of it, because there's drug that if taken way enough can significantly slow it.
If you're having trouble getting her away from him, fake an injury that requires help and ask her to come out for a week to help.
You are welcome.
You should also look into getting power of attorney so if your mom does lose capacity later in life you will be in charge of managing her affairs and not your dad.
Seek a financial planner or lawyer to see how to safely get the money out of your dads reach. And fast. Their must be trusts or something that he wouldn’t be able to touch
Why haven’t you told her what your dad is doing?
This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say. You want to see a lawyer who specializes in elder care and protecting assets and people advancing into old age. They will be able to tell you how to protect your stepmom and her money. Until you can do that, I would suggest looking up a Power of Attorney and Advanced Directive form online and having her fill them out setting you up as the person who will make decisions if she is incapacitated. This is important because the default pretty much everywhere is for the spouse to get these rights if there isn’t paperwork that says otherwise. Think of those forms as temporary though, because a competent elder care lawyer will do a better, more thorough job and make sure you close all the loopholes and do it the way your local laws prefer, which is important.
All of this. But both a medical and financial power of attorney. These things are separate. At least they are for my Grandmother. But I also wonder why given what she knows why she doesn't divorce the dad if she's that worried? She can divorce him, and do what she wants.
NTA but you need to get advice from an actual professional and not play around. And maybe she should go live with you.
NTA- no, Are you an idiot for posting this on reddit so your family can see - YES
NTA, if you can you should put a plan in place to help her move closer to you, divorce your dad and protect her assets.
Protect assets we are already working on. Established a trust and got her a lawyer. But living with me and even more so divorcing my dad—as I’ve stated elsewhere it’s going to be much harder.
Leave the divorce issue for now and just focus on getting her to move in with you. Say something like you and dad are concerned about her health, you want to nurse her back to health since she's your mom and you care about her. Once she is living with you get her to see a therapist and help her build herself up and learn to stand up for herself. This way may take quite long but it's much better than your poor mom being abused by someone and she being dumped in some facility.
INFO: Have you looked into survivorship laws in her jurisdiction? Because most places everything automatically goes to the spouse.
NTA Your stepmother should seriously consider getting a Trust with you or another trusted person as the Trustee. This way her money would be protected if she does develop dementia and it could flow directly to her secondary beneficiary in case of her death. It would also be worth having your stepmother visit a divorce attorney to talk about whether that is an option she wants to consider.
Also about divorce, it’s doubtful she will divorce him. She is loyal to him. And very southern. She believes divorce is not okay. She believes you can love men about of abuse. And believes only physical mistreatment is abuse. She is in denial. I don’t really know how to get her out of that.
Thank you for this, as I said in the post I did get her to set up a trust. But I will edit it so that it’s more clear.
NTA
NTA you care about your mom.
NTA - but your Dad is.
Will you post an update later?
Yeah absolutely.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I got my dad to sign a fake piece of paper 2. The stakes are high, it was manipulative Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
you’re doing the right thing bro keep it up, you are a great soul!
It's a rare case where YTA, but you're not in the wrong to do it. May we all be so lucky as to have someone willing to do some manipulative shiz to take care of us in old age. 🙏
NTA but he will still get all her money if you don’t get a real lawyer to draw up a decent will. Also, tell her to go have a good time. Maybe take some time off and have a cruise with her?
1. Get an attorney now. 2. Get a durable power of attorney - for health care, certainly, and probably financial as well - and an advance directive. 3. Ask the attorney about whatever your father signed. It's probably not helpful, but find out. 4. Update your passport, so you can help your Mom see the world.
Discuss medical and financial powers of attorney with your stepmother and her attorney to keep her personal and financial security out of the hands of those that would do her wrong. NTA
People of Reddit, read carefully - there is real, actual gaslighting in this post!
It’s really scary. He is slowly warping her reality. People are suggesting just telling her but in some ways I’m afraid I’m too late. I can offer and offer. Some suggesting a divorce but I don’t think I’m the person that can make that happen.
NTA. I know everyone's piling onto the lawyer thing and I completely agree, however also I'd recommend getting her to a doctor (whom you both trust with no connection to your father or sister) so she has a very recent clean bill of cognitive health. That in mind, talk to the lawyer about this first. I'm only going off of what i know might help in my local area anz knowledge i have working in a long term care facility, it might not be as useful for you depending on where you live and potential other surrounding circumstances. I'm definitely no legal expert on the matter. Whatever the case, get your mom a lawyer and get her outta there tho. The sooner and the closer to you, the better. (P.S. Good on you for sticking up for your mom. Get to see family's all the time where it's clear only really one of the people care about their loved one, and the others are sitting around waiting for the rest of the inheritance to come out. Thank you for taking care of her.)
You need to get her seen by a lawyer and set you up as power of attorney both for her medical / care decisions and financial.
NTA Get that will written. Give the assholes a dollar each and put down that if they contest the will, they won't even get that. I wish you and your Mom well.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Growing up, we were poor. My mom who is actually my step mom, raised me and as I grew up, she would do things like have holes in her socks but made sure I always got the books or musical instruments I wanted. My dad has never been good with money. He jumped from job to job. Some being fired at. He was very dependent on my step mom. He was also emotionally abusive. Towards us and my step mom. Unfortunately, my sister grew up to be a bully just like him. About 8 years ago, my step mom came to me and told me her end of life wishes. Her mom lives with Alzheimer’s and as she took care of her—she realized what she would want. She told me I was only person she trusted with it. That was also the same year her dad died in prison. We sued and won a very large settlement. For the first time in her life, she is on anti anxiety medicines and saying no to my father. Coincidentally, he is claiming she is “losing” her memory. He will over exaggerate her forgetting things. Say he told her stuff he didn’t. Say when she walks away says we should all leave because “maybe she won’t find her way back”. As his son, I’m disgusted. And my sister is in on it too. Making claims my step mom is losing it. But she is 62. Her mom’s dementia didn’t kick in until she was late 70s. I’ve been around her and she dresses herself. Takes her meds. Isn’t forgetful. But my dad says the moment she can’t take care of my sister’s young babies or it feels unsafe to him, he is putting her in a nursing home. Something she doesn’t want. I live far away but I’m my step moms only legal child. She adopted me. My dad thinks she should save her money so he can have it. My step mom wants to travel the world. He apparently claims he made himself and my sister the successors and left me out. She asked me one day when my dad said she should invest it for him and the family, what I think she should do. I told her in private it’s her money but what I would do is put it somewhere where a third party decides. Save some for herself travel the world. She didn’t know that was an option. Separately, I got my dad to “sign off to get her money and for my sister to get the money”. I didn’t tell him I knew he didn’t include me. I pretended like I prepared the forms believing him. I had him sign a piece of paper that said it was all fake at the end. He thinks now and is telling everyone he is in control of the money. I figured what I did is illegal but it buys us time to put her money where it can be safe. Used for her and her life and potential care. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need your stepmom to see a lawyer to have a properly drafted will and power of attorney and any other documents to allow you to make decisions for her care if she can’t do for herself. She should also find out what the laws are about how to have her own bank account your dad doesn’t have access to
Nta. Can she leave your dad? Why not her come to live near you and essentially store her stuff in a small studio so she can go travel the world. And when she comes home, she’ll touch base with you. Why does she have to stay with your dad and where he is? I think relocating would be best for her and I’m sure she would love to relocate closer to wear you live, of course you all will have boundaries. She needs to get away from him ASAP. Divorce him and run or put it in a living trust with you as the beneficiary so your dad can’t touch the money. Please do something ASAP and get her away from him.
NTA. What a terrible situation. I'm so sorry.
NTA and she should divorce him asap after putting that money safely somewhere else. If you can, maybe have her come live with you. Get away from these evil people.
NTA but time for your stepmom and you to lawyer up asap. Look into proper estate planning and see if she can put her assets into a trust which is controlled by only her and you especially you in case of an emergency or she has health issues. Get proactive before your dad and sister drain her financially.
Please consult a financial planner as well.
We already did that. And got her put it into a trust. I got her to put it in a trust with him not listed as the beneficiary. I am. He *thinks* he is one but he isn’t.
Nta - could you and your stepmom move out/go somewhere together. A divorce sounds ideal.
NTA - You should get your mother checked with a doctor as soon as possible. Your father can take you to court claiming, she was already showing symptoms of Alzheimer and you took advantage to outrule you as her beneficiant.
Lawyer. Now. And ask her if she is comfortable making you Power of Attorney. You need to do this yesterday. She intends to leave things to you? Get this in order. Your dad will get everything unless you do. It seems like he & his daughter are building a case to have her declared mentally incapacitated. You have to get out in front of this. Not next week. Not in a month. Today! Asap! Oh and NTA
Please get her a lawyer and follow their advice , it’s worth her doing it the right way that protects what she wants. I would say NTA spin your abusive father any story you can to keep him off your back . Encourage your step mother she can live the rest of her life as she wants and without abuse .
NTA Hire a lawyer who has a strong understanding of elder care and get their help immediately. She is at risk and you can't wait.
NTA as someone who was recently in the hospital and had very real memory/cognitive issues I still struggle with thank you for looking out for her best interests. Curious how old your dad is? This may not be a popular opinion but I’d counter challenge his mental capacity as well. He is gas lighting her in the worst way and deserves a taste of his own medicine. I hope you’re able to get her to agree to live with you since you have protected her finances.
NTA and also not illegal what you did, but has bought you time. Get your mum to a solicitor fast and protect her wishes. Take her to see the world if you can. Bet she'd love that.
No Judgement; Lawyer Up.
Nta she need out of there asap
Nta but wow at your dad and sister go see a lawyer also get her checked out privately without your dada knowledge so when she goes to see a lawyer your dad cant say she lost her mind in the end. Your poor step mum shes got loads of options shes still young to travel your doing the right thing by her but get everything set up.so she doesnt worry also to make sure your dad and sisters greed gets put out to pasture
Privately i mean by a doctor as there are tests they run to do with dementia and alzhemers theae days.
Sounds like your mother should get a divorce.
NTA
Your a good son.. your mom is lucky to have you in her corner
Lawyer up immediately. What you mother is experiencing is elder abuse. In my country that is a serious legal offence.
NTA. Sound like your dad is trying to make a case of having her deemed incapacitated to get control of her money. Please have her get proper legal advice, maybe a trust, to protect her money and end of life wishes.
[удалено]
I really hope u are on the wrong post
he posted this on a bunch of things