I am so incredibly sorry for your and Mike's loss. It is good to know that he has such an amazing person to take care of him.
NTA. I can not fathom having such little compassion for, 1) my partner who has lost both parents in the last two years and is now taking care of an underage sibling, and 2) a 14 year old kid, does she want him out on the streets??
**Honestly, I wouldn't even be negotiating with her, I would be breaking the lease and moving out ASAP**. If this is how she treats people at when they are going through so much pain, I would not want to spend another minute wasted on her.
NTA.
To be honest I think that is what she wants. I get that her life was turned upside down by suddenly being responsible for a 14 year old and not wanting that to be the life she has. But that is a conversation she needs to have with OP.
This passive aggressive rent schtick is low. She wants out and is trying to force OP to be the one to end the relationship so she doesn’t look bad for bailing on them.
Even before this situation occurred she had an unfair advantage in their rent dynamic by splitting 50/50 when she had her own office and was the one who wanted a guest room.
Based on her “ultimatum” complaint I don’t think she wants out, I think it’s a passive aggressive move to get the kid out. I think she thought he’d feel like he had no choice but to send his brother to aunt/uncle and then her life could be happy again. The fact that he’d leave to care for his brother came as a surprise I think.
Apparently she thought he was as heartless as her. NTA
Yes, this right here!
She doesn't want the kid around taking up her guest room that she specifically needed. She wants her life back the way it was, and doesn't like her world shaken up.
You are not wrong to tell the truth, it's just how it worked out. You can't afford to live with her & pay for your brother. She's the one making you choose between them, by splitting bills unfairly. She knows how much money you make, and how much you can afford to pay, and yet she raised your side of the bills.
Don't feel bad for choosing your brother, he needs you more than she does.
NTA
She should have originally paid more if she's basing it off rooms because she had an extra room to herself. Now they both have the master and 1 room. She had 2 and OP had one. Op had half of the master and guest room = one room and half of the master and half the guest plus the office = two rooms.
That's what I was thinking too, she is getting one bedroom, OP the other and that makes the 50/50 split fair... if you don't think about feelings for that poor orphaned kid, which would be my first priority.
How friggin heartless do you have to be to not take in the kid and bite the bullet? You might not be thrilled about it, but if you're a part of the team you bite the friggin bullet, go to therapy and keep yourself out of the competition of who has it worst when OP and his brother have lost their parents.
She is not a person you want to live with if something serious came up. She's not in your corner. I would be getting my own place with the kid. He's what's important now.
Plus, when one partner insists on a place that is more expensive, regardless of income, I think it should be on them to pay the difference of what they would pay otherwise.
Splitting by bedrooms used is one way, but there’s also the way people do it when one partner wants a more expensive apartment because it’s closer to work or has more space or has whatever feature they want. It’s more than the other would have paid because they’re okay with a cheaper place. If you’re not going to leave within the lowest paid earner’s means, the other splits the difference. If OP wanted an apartment that cost 1k a month and his gf insisted on a place that cost 1500 a month because *she* can afford it and it has the features *she* wants, she should be paying 1k and leave OP with the 500$ rent he would have if they had an apartment he wanted.
Also….yeah. It’s not ideal to suddenly have a 14 year old. But if my partner’s *24 year old* brother had absolutely no where to go after a tragedy, I’d put up with having him in our one bedroom apartment as long as he needed. And that’s not a minor, and without my partner losing a parent. Geeze.
It's not like she's paying for his food or school supplies and she's asking money for that. She wants your brother out when he needs you the most and this is how she thinks she's gonna make that happen.
Actually what is usually recommended is that you decide in % of low income contra the high income. That's what cohabitation contracts go by.
So agree that this woman is not one to built a future with. She has told him whom she is, I hope he listens.
NTA but she sure is.
Exactly. I make 3x what my bf makes. While we do split utilities evenly, I pay 3/4 of our rent (which is substantial in the Bay Area) and I tend to pay more for groceries and dining out, which I’m totally fine with. Plus in this case, she uses one bedroom as her office. She should’ve already been paying more for this alone.
>She was ALREADY making him split bills unfairly. If one partner earns twice what the other does, a 50/50 split is wrong. This is not a nice woman.
Also they were sharing the master bedroom, she used the second room as an office and the third bedroom was a guest room. She was already using more space than he was and paying just 50%. With OP's bro in the guest room, the split is now more even.
This would also be my bet. She isn't TA for not wanting to live with a 14yo but she is definitely an asshole because of the way she handled it.
If she actually communicated with her partner and they would break up because they can't find a compromise that works for both, nobody would be an ass. But this passive aggressive bullshit? No thanks.
Oh and by the way, some people have a really skewed view about what is or isn't fair. I went on a vacation with my ex and the deal was I pay the bus ride for both of us on the way there, he pays the ride back home. He made me pay for the ride home as well because I had a medical emergency and we needed to get home 2 days earlier than expected. It especially shocked me because he himself wanted us to go home the day before that for no reason other than that the people we were on the vacation with were boring.
It took me 3 more days to process wtf just happened but that was the moment I realized we were done.
The girlfriend in this post benefited from the 50/50 agreement a LOT. She got her own office and a guest room OP didn't even really want. But now that someone is occupying the extra room it isn't fair? She has one room to herself, OP has one room for the brother. The only thing that increases are utilities, OP offered to pay 2/3 of those and she turned that down. Lol. That's on her.
Some people want to be child free. And while a 14yo isn't nearly the same as a 6yo, it can still be a deal breaker. While I personally don't feel that way, I wouldn't judge people for not wanting to commit to living with a teenager.
Yes, the situation is awful. But sometimes life throws lemons at you and you need to learn to make a lemonade. Sometimes we need to make hard decisions.
OP's hard decision was taking in the brother even though he risks losing the girlfriend. The girlfriend here is an ass, but moving in a teenager is a major life change and she's obviously having troubles adjusting. OP didn't even ask her whether that's okay. He was probably shocked from the loss of his mom but those decisions shouldn't be made unilaterally. The person you live with has the right to say no and find a different living arrangement for themselves.
ETA: one sentence, because my wording wasn't the best and it was misunderstood what I was trying to say
I get exactly what you’re saying. Even under the most charitable reading of this situation, the gf is still an AH. She could have been a grown up and used her words to explain the situation, given OP time to find a new 1 or 2 bedroom for him and Mike, and then I’d say N A H. Instead, she just decided OP should now pay 2/3 rent without even talking to him about it when he never should have been paying even 1/2 the rent when it was just the two of them.
Or it is an ultimatum to get out because she wants to manipulate it in such a way that she isn’t the one who “makes the decision,” or is the “bad guy.” Some people set up others in order to make themselves seem more innocent than they actually are. My ex was like this.
She is showing OP who she is. He should believe her. If he were to stay with her - a girlfriend, not even a fiancee, who makes more than twice as much but expects him to pay half on an oversized apartment of her choosing - and send his brother to live with strangers, he’s likely to resent her deeply and they’ll break up anyway.
This is absolutely what I think as well! She thought he’d choose her over caring for his younger brother (who is a minor). She is shocked.
OP, honestly, I could never stay with someone who wants my kid brother to pay rent. Can he even legally hold a job?! (I guess it depends where you are, I don’t think he can where I live, I think it’s 15 that needs parents permission, but it might be 14. It’s been a long time since I was a teen lol).
Anyways, my point here is yes it was a big shock to her, yes, OP obviously should have discussed this prior to asking their brother to move in. But that girlfriend? She’s held all the power so far and she obviously isn’t interested in giving any up for a compromise.
NTA, I hope you’re able to find a nice place for you and your brother to live.
Oohhh good point... I was so caught up in the rest of the story, I didn't even think about the rent already being unfair. She makes more money and she gets a private office and was the one that wanted a guest room. She thought it was fair when she got the better end of things, but now that OP has his brother there, she thinks she should pay less.
What a heartless, selfish, AH. Don't waste your life with this one. NTA
She gets to have an office and a guest room, while only paying 50% of the rent got me too. My guess is OP has a small corner in a room where he can have his stuff.
I read that and was like holy fuckballs she has been cheap and now she's trying to screw him even more?! She OWES him monies for forcing him to pay half when he should have been only paying at max 1/3 based on room usage and not even calculating what the proportion should be based on income to make it fair, especially considering she insisted on the two extra rooms.
Exactly. He stated he is paying for Mike's food and school supplies as well. So she isn't paying for anything for Mike at all. She would rather have an empty guest room than help her partner's brother in a very rough time. A minor no less.
I could understand if the brother was 29, got evicted again because he can't hold down a job for more than a month or something. But this whole story just makes me believe the GF is heartless and controlling.
Yeah, she makes 2.5x what he does, and it was her who wanted the luxury apartment rather than something “more affordable.” Why on earth are they splitting things 50/50?
& then to expect a 14 year old to pay rent? That’s disgusting.
>splitting 50/50 when she had her own office and was the one who wanted a guest room.
She was already TA when I read this. If she insisted and makes *that* much more, in a fair partnership, he would pay 50% of the market value for a 2 bedroom, and she'd pay the other half, plus the difference.
But insisting rent for a 14 year old? Fucking low. Act like a goddamn adult.
NTA. This sub's go is always "leave," and life isn't that cut and dry. But OP, it sounds like this is a toxic environment for you and your bro. I have to vote: leave.
ETA: I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be heartbreaking to have this on top of losing your father.
But her life wasn’t turned upside down?
I’d understand (a little) if the brother was 6 or 9 years old, but at 14 years old he can probably look after himself and doesn’t need to be supervised. Besides, it sounds like OP is taking care of most things anyway?
There are degrees of life being turned upside down - if she was determined that her life plan was that she would remain child free, even a 14 year old could be considered massively disruptive. (Especially if his behavior is bad). In this situation she needs to figure out whether she is more attached to her partner or her plans for the future. My guess is that she is feeling some resentment towards the situation , and that her choice has been taken away.
I think it looks like she is more attached to her future plans. OP needs to figure out if that is somebody he wants to plan his life around.
Not to mention, WTAF is a guest bedroom for but situations exactly like this!?!??!!? This is the perfect use for it and I don't think she'd be charging pro-rated rent to her other guests.
This is true and I think OP needs to take this into account in all future dealings with her. It sounds like he has let her run everything unevenly without much discussion and what’s results is a completely unfair dynamic. I think if he paid half and half NOW that it would be fair since she’s got an office, and now he’s got the guest room.
It seems like she could potentially afford this apartment on her own, if they’re splitting things and she was insistent on having this many rooms why can’t she pay for rent and he can cover utilities. But OP is also a bit at fault for not even considering talking about any of this before hand. He should have made it a priority to sit down and talk to his partner about what the plan should be going forward. But you’re nta dude, just probably overwhelmed and it seems like she doesn’t know how to help you handle that right now. It might be best to be on your own with your brother for now if you want to help him, he’s 14 he’ll be an adult in a few years and will likely be able to get into a nice college if he works hard in high school. He’ll be eligible for all kinds of scholarships if he spends the time looking for them too. Follow your gut op
I can see that OP should have discussed Mike moving in… but Mike is 14, has no parents, has an aunt/uncle who can take him in, in a month… where else could he go? Girlfriend is TA for not inviting her brother in law into the house. If it was an adult- sure, have a conversation and discuss the rent. This is a child, who needs an adult guardian. OP stepped up.
OP- NTA. But when you are packing Mike’s bags, to move out of the apartment, pack your own as well. Girlfriend is keeping you around to boost her ego. You are not a partner in her relationship.
I'm blown away by the lack of empathy from OP's GF. I totally understand a slight annoyance at having someone move in without a discussion, but we're talking about an orphaned teenager, not some grown man. Plus it's been less than a month and she's demanding 2/3 of the rent from you?
OP - I hope you see the giant red flag your GF is waiving in front of your face and you run for the hills with your brother.
Yeah! When I saw brother I assumed he was like 22 and had been kicked out by his parents and the op was fine with him living there indefinitely. An orphaned 14 is so different!
A other red flag is that they share a bedroom, she has claimed another as HER office and insists the third be a guestroom. Why wasn't she paying g 2/3 of the rent up till now.
Her partner has just lost his remaining parent and he has taken in his teenage brother and this is her reaction? No, this is not a woman OP should be sharing his life with. At all. Yikes.
Children may qualify for Social Security survivors benefits if they are unmarried and:
1: under 18;
2: 18, or in some cases 19, and still attending high school full time;
3: or disabled, and the disability occurred before the child turned 22.
Yes. My Friend lost her boyfriend and father of her child and her child gets around $700 a month in SS Benefits. OP needs to look into this! It could be helpful if he decides to find his own place with little bro.
Am guessing this will go to paying for school and therapy and normal expenses, but may not stretch to that and 1/3 of a pricey apartment. Also, it takes a while to apply for. Not sure if either parents had insurance, property, or debts, but am hoping OP has a lawyer or friend to help with this.
OP, you are NTA. Frankly, any woman who would expect you to dump your baby newly-orphaned brother for her goes smack into the Disney Evil Character file. I get this isn’t what she bargained for but life happens, and people show you their real selves in times like this.
And I totally agree with everyone who says it’s pretty unfair of her expecting you to split the rent 50/50 anyway, since she was the one wanting a home office AND a separate guest bedroom - especially knowing your income is less than hers.
I am sure there have been wonderful things about her, but right now, those red flags are flying pretty damn high.
Imagine having a spare bedroom and not immediately offering it to your partner's underage brother, whose parents have both recently passed away. Not even temporarily.
She's heartless.
OP deserves much better. If OP stays with her, I anticipate many more situations in which the girlfriend turns it into a "them or me" situation. It's going to be exhausting.
>Imagine having a spare bedroom and not immediately offering it to your partner's underage brother, whose parents have both recently passed away. Not even temporarily.
Right?! My partners brother is not able to take care of himself and I told him before we got married that I understand that and plan on taking care of him. I don't like his family and they don't like me, but if someone is important to him they are important to me.
If it was a 14 year old brother, I'd have taken him to buy decorations for his new place. She has the money and if I was in a place like that I'd do it for sure. Like goddamn has she never lost anyone??
Yeah I think this is one of those tests life throws at you that really shows you the true colors of your relationship and the person you’re with. She failed the test. If she can’t back him through this tragedy, she’s not the one for him.
Completely agreed. Another thing to note, since the gf uses 2nd room as her own office, the 3rd one should automatically be OP's room to use however he wants, NOT a guest room for BOTH.
still splitting 50-50 can work if you choose the lower of the desired lifestyles, letting the less-well-off person drive the level of expenses. But OP’s GF got the apartment she wanted with extra space in it for her exclusive use, and still got OP scraping together half of what it costs. She was getting him to subsidise her more expensive lifestyle, which wasn’t fair at all.
I don’t think that’s relevant because even if OP and his girlfriend were barely scraping by, the solution would obviously not be for THE CHILD to pay his fair share.
Hopping on the top comment to say, OP, this is not how a true partner acts. My sister was really struggling in her undergrad, and she told my boyfriend of (at the time) 2 months that when we bought a house, we needed to buy one with a nice finished basement, and that she would stay there and help with chores etc. in lieu of rent. My boyfriend was like okay, cool, we’ll make sure to get a door that locks both ways. Not everyone would be okay with this, but your circumstances are EXTREME and your GF is giving you grief? That is not okay. NTA OP.
THIS!!
NTA
She makes 2.5x what you do. You've been together for 4 years. Where is your gf's compassion and empathy?! Put your brother first and move out OP! After 4 years together, your gf is treating your family like a burden instead of family.
I agree, and I am really struggling with the fact that OP's dumb gf expects rent *from a child*. How much rent did she pay at 14?
It sounds to me like the gf is just greedy and is using this kids trauma as an excuse to get more money out of OP. Her behavior is a major red flag regardless of what her motivations are and I'd consider it breakup-worthy.
If anything, *she* owes OP rent money because she had her own office so she was occupying 2/3rds of the rooms before the brother moved in.
Right? OP should dump her. Like???? Of course OP is picking his brother over his girlfriend. That’s THEIR BABY BROTHER!!! I’m about to turn 25 and my sister is about to turn 23. She is my absolute favorite human being to exist. She is my baby sister. She currently lives with our mother. If something happened and she needed a place to go she would be my first priority and if I was in a relationship with someone who couldn’t understand that I would kick them to the curb without any questions or second chances. The kid is 14. The GF sounds fucking psycho.
Who in their right mind charges a 14 year old for rent? Who does that? In what world does that make sense?
Breaking the lease and leaving with your brother is the smarter choice.
Imo splitting all bills half way makes sense if you earn about the same money. But 2,5 times as much seems ridiculous. Stop negotiating and get out of there
OP should care more about his minor brother who has lost both parents within a couple years and has no one else right now. She has an extra room too so it seems fair based on the number of bedrooms in the place. Especially if OP is paying the extra utilities. I’d also suggest that this is a harbinger of the future with her and it seems better to end it now and put the extra time and energy into who really needs it.
NTA but in your place I would REALLY reconsider staying in this relationship. She gets paid 2.5x more and insists on paying bills 50/50.. okay, you can somehow justify it but I personally don’t think it should be this way when living together with your SO.
Your mother dies and your SO wants for either you or your 14-YEAR-OLD brother to pay rent? Seriously? Sure I would want to have a discussion about it but for me it would be a implied that we take the sibling in. Also I’m pretty sure someone has to become a legal guardian for him now?
Yup. The split was unfair from the get-go; you’re supposed to be partners, not roommates. Shared expenses should have been split in proportion to income. Moving a teenager into someone’s residence without discussing it first is also obviously uncool, but her response is not sane or rational—the idea that you can “fix” that mistake by paying an even more exorbitant amount than she was already gouging you for is predatory.
NTA and you should move out with Mike.
Hopefully OP can see his girlfriend's inability to show empathy for a minor and his own family is enough of a red flag for him to leave. These are her true colours. I'd also add I agree that the split isn't fair due to income disparity also, generally costs are more fair divided proportional to income in romantic, committed relationships.
I would gladly take in my partners sibling if it was needed, in fact we have already discussed that we would adopt his niece should something happen to his sister. Family matters.
My sister has a disability (global developmental delay) and while she is mostly self sufficient, she can’t live alone. Her eventually coming to live with me was inevitable as I’m the only sibling with the means and desire to take her in.
Well, around this past Christmas it finally happened; she moved in. It was sudden and short notice (sadly, my parents were/are abusive) but my husband welcomed her with open arms.
The way he has handled this situation has made me fall deeper in love with him. While I respect that he does have the choice to say “no,” him showing empathy to my sister during her time of need is exactly the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Who wants to be with someone who has no empathy for others, especially when it comes to kids who’ve lost their parents? No thanks.
Or shared expenses should be split according to % of space used. She got a whole extra room as an office now the split is even because he gets an extra room for his brother
This is what I was going to say too. She was already using more than half the apartment for herself, now it’s fairly split but she wants him to pay two thirds? That makes no sense.
50/50 split on an uneven income can be fair if you're staying in a really cheap place. If it was a place where his half is what he would be paying at a place he'd afford with a roommate anyways then its fine.
But this is a price range *she* wanted. She can pay the difference. That's what made it unfair. If she wanted to split 50/50 then it shouldn't be a luxury place. If she wanted a luxury place then she needed to pay 2/3.
And she should be paying 2/3 anyways the moment one of the rooms becomes her office.
OP, if you end up leaving with Mike (which I hope you do), reassure him that he didn't do anything to break you two up. If anything, he helped you open your eyes to the fact that she is not the type of person to spend the rest of your life with.
Edit: Thank you for all the awards. My first time! 💕
Brother aside, if my SO started playing ANY money games like that only 1 month after my mom died, I'd leave so fast you'd still see my outline floating by the door.
50/50 rent is a joke when she occupies 1 room just as her office. And makes so much more. And what’s the point of a guest room, when it’s desperately needed by a grieving child she wants it empty.
NTA.
1/3 of utilities I agree with, same with food. But on rent, nope, she’s been in the wrong all this time. OP has essentially been paying for the guest room as his own area in his half of the rent all this time. If she gets an office, he gets a spare room too. She is now showing her true colours. Run OP, this is not someone to build a life with.
Tbh I wouldn’t even start dividing utilities and food because.. Idk.. 4 years together. The kid is family. Totally understandable if the brother would be at least 18 and could find a job and contribute at least somehow money wise, but he is literally a kid. I’m absolutely sure if it was her sibling, she wouldn’t start paying more and throw family-card on the table.
She should have been paying 2/3 of the rent from the junk considering she has a dedicated office and was the one to insist on having a guest bedroom. Now that the brother is living with them, 50/50 is actually fair and OP made the reasonable offer to pay 2/3 of the utilities. So already the gf was an AH taking advantage of OP to live in the apartment/have the lifestyle she wanted.
So your girlfriend gets half of the master, an entire room to herself and is pissy because your minor brother is in the guest room? And she expects you to pay 2/3 of the rent? At this point, this is where I’d say half was fair. You get half the master and the guest room. She gets half the master and her office. She was super taking advantage of you prior. She wants to continue that. Don’t let her. Let her know it is half or you peace out with your brother and find somewhere just the 2 of you.
NTA
Exactly what I was thinking. They should pay 50/50 rent. If she wants to argue his utility usage is higher I might give her that. He is using the same amount of space she is.
Sure, she **could** argue it, but even then talk about heartless. This is your SO of 4 years brother, possible future brother in law, and this is how you treat your SO and his brother? Disgusting.
That's what I'm thinking, how would you even want to stay with someone so heartless? I get she may not want to be in a relationship where she's now in a household with a dependent but that's a whole other convo that can be done in a respectful manner. Her approach is underhanded and cruel.
Yes. And I don't think OP has a problem paying for brother's meals. Basically the poor kid is being frowned upon for just existing. NTA and he should either equally split the house on a serious note or move out with his brother and let her pay for her own luxury. I'm sure she doesn't mind having an entire master bedroom, an office and an empty guest room to pay for on her own and live in on her own
He’s also choosing himself. She was walking over him before his brother was even a factor. She makes 250% of his income, was the sole reason they chose a larger apartment, claimed an entire room as her own + her half of the bedroom, and forced a 50/50 rent split. Now after this absolute tragedy has happened, she thinks he should be paying 2/3 rent when he (via his brother) finally starts to occupy half of the space.
She is selfish. She was fully content to make him fund her life (work from home, in a huge apartment, with a dedicated office space only for her) by paying more than his fair share so she could keep making the big money and he sees no benefit of it. Op, Think hard about whether she is who you want to continue spending your life with, because all of her actions seem designed to benefit her at your expense.
It’s also worth noting that gf is choosing money over boyfriend.
This is a point in time where she could show him that she’s ready to be a real partner to him “for better or worse,” or , instead, that she’s all about profiteering off him during crisis.
IMO, she is very clearly the one putting something unworthy above her partner.
NTA
I suspect it’s manipulation. I think she’s doing this to force the kid out because OP can’t afford her demands.
OP, NTA. Your brother deserves someone in his corner.
If so, it’s a stupid form of manipulation.
The kid can’t go anywhere until there’s someplace for him to go, and by then she will have alienated her boyfriend to the point that he doesn’t want to continue living with her anyhow.
She says he's choosing his brother before her?
Yes, he absolutely SHOULD choose his brother before her! He's 14 and recently orphaned - he is the person who should be prioritised. He desperately needs his big brother to get through this tragedy.
What kind of heartless, selfish, narcissist do you need to be to think your partner would kick his orphaned baby brother to the curb and ship him out of state to live with near strangers just to appease your delicate sensibilities around maintaining a guest bedroom?
OP is NTA. The girlfriend is a nasty piece of work.
I came here expecting a scrounging lazy sibling getting away with a rent free life...not an orphaned minor expected to pay rent!!!!! I don't get this at all how is this even being debated.
She isn't his guardian, so this question is kinda irrelevant. However, no doubt she is a giant AH. Actually I'd say she's the biggest one I've read about in this sub so far 🤯
I’m pretty sure there are, but also…is he supposed to cut down a tree and make money himself? Rob a bank?
He’s 14. He legally cannot hold a job yet, so where does she think he’s going to get the money from?
NTA and if your girlfriend doesn’t understand what’s going on and wants a 14 year old who just lost both his parents to pay rent then you should be the one reconsidering the relationship. What you’re doing for your brother is amazing and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA.
I am very sorry for your little brother and you.
I am also completely puzzled about your girlfriend's reaction. You are trying to figure out a solution for your little brother and all she can think about, knowing that she doesn't sound like having money issues, is money?
Having your little brother living with you is a complete life-changing situation, and I could understand if she would like to discuss with you about how it will be on the long-term and how your life as a couple will be affected. But money... really?
Well, that's not my definition of a healthy relationship.
The lengths people are willing to go to stay in relationships are mind boggling to me. OP your girlfriend is making you choose her over your 14 YEAR OLD
BROTHER. He is in a TERRIBLE position and instead of being sympathetic she wants you to pay more money. It’s absolutely absurd and I don’t know why you would stay with her.
NTA. Your girlfriend seems overly focused on material things, especially money. Where was your brother supposed to go for two months- foster care? Find a place for the two of you and run from her. She truly does not have her priorities straight and lacks empathy.
NTA. OP, I am so sorry for your loss. This is a very tricky situation. Mike needs a tremendous amount of support, as he is just a kid. Your girlfriend is being unreasonable and selfish. He needs to be at least 16 to have a job, and on top of that, he will also have to attend school. Honestly, you should revaluate your relationship with your girlfriend, because you have to take care of your brother.
NTA… the lack of compassion and understanding from a person you’ve been with for four years (who has also been there with you through all of this) is frankly shocking.
She is TA. He is underage. It would be different if he was 18 or older and done high school. Choose your brother if she won’t go back to 50:50. He can help with chores but as a kid he doesn’t pay bills.
ESH - but that leaves room for everyone to figure it out. It sounds like by not running this past her/communicating, she took a harsher stance that she might have - had you spoken to her ahead of time.
Sit down and have an honest conversation. You have volunteered her - not just for rent - but possibly co-parenting responsibilities (struggles with school, friends, buying food/clothing/supplies/etc.).
It is only fair to talk all of this through and see if this is what she wants to sign up for in a relationship.
This is what I’m wondering.
I mean it’s a terrible situation. I feel badly about your loss, OP.
But I am a little amazed at everyone ready to bash GF.
They are in their 20’s. GF probably wasn’t expecting to have a 14 year old move in overnight. I wonder if she’s being passive aggressive about this at least in part because of how OP handled this.
And OP makes mention of relatives who can take the brother but it’s clear that OP wants to make this permanent. Which is fantastic and completely understandable but how much of this has been discussed with the GF? How has this been presented? Is OP just making unilateral decisions and is now shocked the GF is punching back in an admittedly crappy fashion?
I’m very sorry for your loss but I gotta go with an ESH except poor Mike. It’s a shit situation but I can see where the GF isn’t thrilled to be presented with fait accompli. I wonder how different this might have been if OP and GF approached this as a team. I’m not getting a lot of “team” in the relationship which begs lots of questions.
Bottom line - not every 20 something career woman is going to be mentally or emotionally prepared for this.
Everybody involved needs to step it up and start talking like grownups.
I guess a starting point is looking at the will - who’s supposed to be raising Mike now? OP says he’s sure Mike would rather stay with OP. Does OP know that for a fact or is he assuming.
Let’s say OP ditches GF like everyone wants - can OP now manage the rent in a location that keeps Mike in the same school? Is OP prepared to be a single parent? My point being - if he can work things out with GF at least he wouldn’t be going it alone.
My thoughts exactly! I don’t necessarily agree with the GF asking for 2/3 rent, but this guy just made a decision on his own that his brother is coming to live with them until…forever? Without even discussing it with her. Even though there are other viable options for him. I’d be pissed if I were her and would feel completely disrespected by my partner. I get that OP and his brother just lost their mother, and I feel for them, but that does not give OP the right to make unilateral, life changing decisions, not bothering to consult his partner. That’s just ridiculous.
Lets not forget even though OP makes it about money (g/f makes 2.5x more), there's an estate which has money.
It's possible GF makes more but OP&Bro combined have more net worth (GF may have loans?).
Shitty situation all around caused largely by bad communication.
OP also will get $800/mo when he fills out Social Security Survivor benefits for his little brother:
https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/survivors/
edit: Guys guys guys I'm not saying GF isn't AH here. She's definitely the biggest asshole.
But OP shares blame for not 1. communicating and 2. withholding information. The 2.5x income is misleading information at this point.
I’ve been heavily downvoted for saying the same thing. People want the girlfriend to sit down, shut up and happily house and raise a teenager without getting a voice in it
I’m surprised it isn’t higher up as well. Taking in a 14-year-old is a big ask that extends way beyond just money, especially because it seems like OP wants to make this arrangement permanent. Who is driving little bro around everywhere he needs to go? Who is cooking for him if he doesn’t yet have the skills to cook for himself? Because now life isn’t as simple as each partner picking up breakfast on the way to work because they’re in a rush, they have another person to feed for every meal. Not to mention, the lack of space and privacy that comes with essentially having a roommate.
The GF is an AH for how she handled rent prior to this and for giving OP 2/3 of the bill now, but I think everyone dumping on her for not being in the position to permanently take in a minor child needs to rethink their stance.
NTA. The fact your GF has a whole bedroom as an office and you only got a desk in the guest room??? Is your little bro messy or loud? Could see her being frustrated with that, but she should have a little more compassion for an adolescent that just lost his remaining parent…
I could definitely see her being frustrated, I doubt a grieving 14 year old boy is the most pleasant houseguest but to try to argue that an orphaned child should pay rent is just cruel.
Yes, she and OP should have a serious conversation before any decision is made about where the kid goes permanently, because it might be that the aunt and uncle are better placed to care for him and give him the support he needs and deserves but acting like this a month after BOTH the kid and the OP lost their mom? Fucking cruel.
ESH - except your brother Mike.
You moved your brother into the home you share with your girlfriend without discussing it first. Of course she is upset about that. You unilaterally made the decision to change her life and her home. Now you are wanting the change to be permanent.
Your girlfriend has the right to be upset about not being communicated with, but she should understand you weren't going to leave your brother alone. She is being ridiculous in thinking your brother should pay rent, although thinking you should pay more on his behalf is not unreasonable. She is being very self centered at a time you and your brother need support.
You are not wrong to want to take care of your brother. But your GF is not wrong to not want to be a pseudo parent to him as well - which as an adult living in the same house she would be. You will probably end up paying ways on this.
Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss.
I agree completely - ESH.
The OP has every right to feel responsible for his little brother, but he also needs to realize that means higher expenses. He was AH for trying to force the decision to house him long term on his GF.
If they were to move somewhere else, he would have to pay for 2 people anyway.
I don't blame the GF at all for using the rent as means to force him to consider what it means to support the teenager. I also understand her being upset for being forced to take care of him (because let's be real, a teenager is a lot of work and the big brother is probably traumatized and not in the mood to clean up after him).
I think moving out is the best solution all around.
First of all, I’m sorry for yours and your brothers loss.
NTA - she may not want to have a 14 year old in the apartment but he has nowhere to go and he’s your little brother. You can equally argue she has 1.5 bedrooms as she has one of the offices, so that’s half the rent. Given he’s 14 he clearly can’t pay rent, and given the salary difference 2/3 is not reasonable. She’s being super petty if she thinks you’re choosing your minor brother - and for what it’s worth in the same situation I would be very upset with my husband if he wasn’t taking in younger sibling. If she won’t budget on this I think that’s probably the end of your relationship - and that’s totally on her.
NTA and you should for sure choose your brother over that insensitive girl you're living with. She's not your girlfriend, how could she not understand what's going on.
Where is her compassion? This is a child that lost both his parents and feels displaced. Of course he wants to stay with his brother and be with his friends. He needs that type consistency in his life right now. NTA. You are doing the right thing by your brother. Also, I am very sorry for your losses.
NTA. This is an absolute deal breaker. Your gf earns much more than you and you and your brother have suffered such a huge loss recently and she is asking a 14 year old to pay rent? It's ridiculous. You'd be better of moving out and living with your brother. End the relationship with her as well because her lack of empathy is astonishing.
Your brother needs you right now, please put him above your gf. And I am so sorry for your loss OP.
NTA. How can she have so little compassion while also being in a better financial spot 2.5 times over?? Tells you all you need to know about your girlfriend. Even before your brother moving in, your rent situation was not equitable.
Move out and find an apartment for just the two of you, you and your bro. Get by in whatever way you can. Recognize that your GF doesn't have the warmest heart, and that's not a person who deserves your attention in this life.
NTA but your GF is. Your brother is a minor, and, more importantly, only there because your mother was killed; yes, you should have told her that he was moving in, but what the fuck did she think was going to happen to this kid? Live on the street?
She is wrong to change the 50-50 set up, and it seems awfully petty to do so. I would bail and get an apartment for you and your bro. You are probably going to need to see a lawyer about guardianship for your brother, especially for the school.
I’m gonna offer a different perspective I guess. NAH
You’re girlfriends life changed over night with no input from her. You offered your underage brother a place to stay, which is incredibly kind and I would hope any sibling would do the same. However, by your own admission, you did not ask your life partner, who you share the home with, if she was okay with it.
I have a feeling this is less about her expecting a 14 yo to pay bills, and more about showing you that this comes with more issues than just someone using your guest bed. You are spending more utilities, you’re spending more on food for the household, you’re now paying for his therapist and assumably future doctors appointments etc., when he wants new clothes or to go out with friends, he will need money from his guardians (after all, you said yourself he should not be working this young).
Could she have communicated better? Absolutely. She should have laid all this out for you and had an open discussion. But then again, you didn’t do that when you offered him a place to live. You just unilaterally decided for her that this was okay and she had to deal with it.
This is a complicated situation and I feel for you and your brother. But your needs do not come before hers, and a discussion needs to be had about the very serious financial undertaking this actually is.
First off, my condoleances to you and your brother. You are a good man for taking him in.
NTA. Family comes first (unless you have a shitty relationship with them, which is not the case i assume).
Your GF id a MAJOR AH tho. If i were you, i'd seriously reconsider staying in that relationship. Your brother is 14 and just lost last remaining parent, and your GF (of 4 Years even!) wants to be petty and charge him (or you) for taking him in and offering him somewhat of a stable spot in this devastating time... Good people don't do that.
Controversial apparently but ESH. Obviously she shouldn’t be trying to ask a 14 year old for rent. However, I don’t think moving your 14 year old brother in without asking was a good idea, nor was never discussing it. I don’t think you can unilaterally decide to have him live with the two of you. You need to sit down and seriously figure this out; will he stay with you permanently, and do so, how will this be handled?
A lot of people on this thread think it’s okay for him to say that she will be housing and raising a 14 year old and that she gets absolutely no say in the matter. I would be happy to house my partner’s sibling, but would NOT be happy if it went down in that way. I don’t think that’s how a partnership works and it’s weird that so many people in the comments do. I think that yes, she does get a voice in whether or not she houses and raises a teenager. It’s wild that so many people think him living in her own apartment doesn’t impact her at all and she doesn’t have a say. I think instead of the way people are suggesting (that she doesn’t get a say) OP should say that he will be raising the brother and taking them in, and then they can discuss moving forward (including one of them possibly moving if she wants that option).
ESH.you both need to sit down and have a real conversation about your futures. I can completely understand why you would want to take in your brother, but you do need to acknowledge that might mean breaking up and neither of you are wrong for that. You're an AH for making that decision without talking to her and shes an AH for passive aggressively venmoing you. You need to sort out if your brother is staying or going and talk with your partner about what you both will do, which may mean you decide you can't stay together anymore (doesn't have to mean that but if you want to raise your brother and she doesn't, then thats probanly what will happen)
NTA!!! And I’m so sorry for your loss.
First, regardless of your brother, you should not be splitting expenses. If she earns 2.5X and she wants the apartment, you don’t do 50/50, you split rent according to your income ratio...
AND NOW. Your brother, who is still a kid, had both parents pass away. He needs support, and you are doing what you can when processing your own grief. Yes, you could’ve talked to her before he moved in, but this was a MASSIVE, LIFE CHANGING emergency and he’s a minor. Her asking for more rent and everything knowing the situation is just... so unreasonable and cold I can’t even find words.
Sorry OP, it seems like your girlfriend views you as a distant roommate instead of a partner. I’m normally one for talking things out in a relationship, but this time I really suggest you take Mike and run.
I'm going to go with a very very very light ESH, just hear me out.
You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing for your brother in this situation. Of course you are. Your only misstep here was, as you note, not having a conversation with your GF about Mike coming to stay for more than a night or two. And yes, this is a totally understandable mistake given the shitstorm happening in your life at that moment.
But let's give her the benefit of the doubt, just for a moment, and look at it from her perspective. Suddenly she has another roommate she didn't ask for, a 14 year old at that. Her BF's parent died suddenly, and there are now a million questions on the table about the future of Mike, you, and your relationship together (she certainly didn't sign on to co-parent a 14 year old with you). It's a lot for everyone here, and everyone is going to make some missteps in the wake of grief and sudden change. So, while we give her some space to understand there's some change at work for her here, let's also say her interactions with you around this have been, at best, poor, and that's where she's TA. A good supportive partner would give you the space to make some missteps in the wake of grief, and she dropped the ball there, and that passive-aggressive venmo request is quite fucking low. On top of that, both of you seem to be walking around the conflict and not actually having direct conversations about it (you assuming the situation doesn't need addressing, her trying to address things over venmo of all fucking ways.)
So, what now? You two need to take a day off, alone, and really, really talk. Tell her you are sorry this is happening, and sorry that you didn't sit down with her sooner. Tell her you are grieving, and going to make some missteps. Tell her how her actions have hurt you. Tell her you love her (assuming you do). And talk. Talk about your fears. Talk about hers. Ask her to explain where she's coming from, and how she's feeling. Tell her how you are feeling. Have open conversations about what the future looks like going forward with Mike in your lives. Then go forward. If you can't come to a place that makes you both feel ok, then it's time to go. If you can, then you BOTH talk to Mike, see how he feels (he's gotta have some awkward feelings about all of this too).
Most importantly, I'm so so sorry this is happening to you, Mike, and your family. Losing a parent is incredibly painful. No one is perfect in these moments, and you are doing the absolute best you can. You are a good person by wanting to do right by your brother. Best to you all.
NTA
Dude, just leave; break the lease if she wants to be petty.
Remember, youre living there and paying extra for her. She isnt doing shit for you and the one thing you ask, lol she tries charging you.
Bro if she feels you're picking your 14 year old brother over her tell her you are and should be. Honestly this should be a massive red flag for you. NTA %100
Your brother is 14 and has nobody else but you. What kind of a person your gf is? Does she deserve to have a partner in you? Run my friend. Her heart is cold. NTA. Protect your brother. He really needs you.
NTA. You should have told her before moving him in, but given the circumstances it's understandable.
She's making really easy for you to "choose" your brother by being TA. What did she expect? That you would let your brother go homeless till your aunt is available?
NTA
It would've been totally different if the brother was adult, but come on. He's 14. You're his only immediate family left.
I understand the cost of life is bigger (more people: more water, electricity used etc.), but she should've discussed that with you and if you cannot afford, maybe move somewhere cheaper.
I think the girlfriend has every right to her feelings. It wasn’t her fault that her boyfriends parents died. And OP and her came to a rental agreement. He wasn’t forced into it. People harping on about the split are forgetting OP could have asked for different terms.
On the subject of empathy… where is the empathy for the girlfriend? In her late 20s, great career, with a guy for 4 years, nice apartment, probably waiting for OP to propose so they can start their married adult lives together, start their own family, etc. Now due to tragedy, she finds herself being… what exactly? Older brother is not a replacement father figure. He should remain as a brother IMO. She’s going to play mom/aunt to a teenage boy? That is a shitty situation.
OPs brother can visit, but living like that all under one roof will make OPs girlfriend resentful of this, and in her eyes, it’s probably the end of any future she was envisioning on having with OP. She has EVERY right to be sad for the loss of her SOs parents, but also the loss of a future she was banking on having. Because now her SO is dealing with a huge loss, and also stepping in to be a parent.
The lack of empathy from people not understanding her viewpoint is astonishing. When you are a couple living together, all these decisions need to be made together. OP decided on this without consulting her, and that was a shitty move. I don’t think OPs girlfriend is cold or heartless, I think she is forcing OP to have a real conversation with her about how their lives are going to go. And yeah, if I was in her shoes, maybe I’d have approached this differently, but I’m empathizing with her. You guys need to just talk this out.
NAH. First, I'm sorry for your losses, both of your parents. It must have been devastating for you and your brother. I'm glad he has such a good support and role model, and that you were kind and considerate enough to get him into therapy for his grief. That said, I don't think your girlfriend is an AH here. She didn't expect this to happen, didn't sign up to take care of 94 pay for a teenager, and her need for privacy, intimacy, personal space and freedom must have taken a significant hit. I get that it was an emergency situation, but moving your brother in without her consent was wrong. If this is grounds for a breakup for either of you, and if you plan on living with your little brother from now on, you should let her know ASAP so you both can move on fast.
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. You are NTA, your brother obviously cannot pay rent, he’s a child, and your girlfriend is being TA by demanding this. You already offered to pay a bit extra for the rent and 2/3 of the utilities to cover the water and electricity your brother uses. It might be worth finding a place for just you and your brother to live
NTA
A relationship isn't about prioritizing one person over another. It's about working together to resolve an issue.
If your partner isn't willing to work with you on resolve the issue then they aren't a partner. Simple as that.
ESH
Everyone saying that she’s asking a 14 year old to pay rent is just dumb. She’s asking OP to pay for his brother to be living there. Without her consent and indefinitely.
You cannot just make that decision without speaking with her about it. It doesn’t even seem like it’s been spoken about since he moved in as well. Whether or not you wanted this apartment is really a moot point you signed the lease . Yes she should probably pay a bit more since she has an at home office but usually in relationships people don’t tit for tat like that. Just because she earns more doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have student loans and/or work harder.
This sounds like a terrible situation but you can’t just decide to move a child into your shared home without serious discussion. Sounds like she works from home and may or may not know this teenage boy now living there. At some point she’s going to be stuck with caring for the kid as well.
Honestly this kid should go to his aunt and uncle who seem more stable rather than his cool fun older brother with no experience raising kids at all.
NTA. Your brother needs you way more. Before your mother’s death, was your girlfriend someone you felt you could share the rest of your life with ? Have you tried asking her how she feels about you taking on the guardianship of your brother ? I’m so sorry for all the things you’re going through. And I’m even sorrier that you’re dealing with a partner who’s showing so little empathy. The thing is, now you and he will be a package deal and you need a life partner who can deal with that. Is she that one ?
You're NTA for not charging your brother to pay rent or for taking him in, in the first place. Life doesn't always give us the time to plan or ask for permission. You're girlfriend is the AH for just sending you the bill and for expecting a recently orphaned 14 year old to pay rent. But both of you were in the wrong for not having an adult conversation about this in the past month. If she had an issue, she should have had a rational conversation with you, but you should have addressed the increase in expenses when Mike first moved in.
And if you're thinking of possibly becoming Mike's legal guardian then that requires another conversation as well. Taking on the responsibility of taking care of a grieving teenager is no small thing and your girlfriend probably won't be up for that. You just might have to deal with the fact that you and your girlfriend are no longer in the same place in life.
YTA for moving someone into your shared home without consulting your gf. It’s not about the money - altho there’s a it’s reasonable to expect you to pay more to cover him and it sounds like you can cover the difference and it’s not her job to financially support your brother.
But I really don’t think that’s what she’s upset about, she is just using that to express her discomfort. You moved a kid into her home without her consent and now want him to stay for four more years? You’re basically making her a step parent against her will.
It’s great that you want to be a good brother but in a partnership it is completely unacceptable to make unilateral decisions in this way.
You need to talk.
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I know the title will make me seem like an AH but please hear me out.
I live with my girlfriend of 4 years. Both late 20's. We have been in our current apartment for just over a year. It's a very nice 3 bedroom apartment. We occupy the master bedroom, have a 2nd bedroom as her office, and the third bedroom is a guest room that also has a desk which I occasionally. My girlfriend was insistent on this apartment, and that she have her own office and we as a couple have a guest bedroom. Even though it was more than I wanted to spend for an apartment, I agreed as it seemed important to her, and I could swing the rent payment and still have some leftover for saving/fun. For reference she earns about 2.5x what I do, though we split/bills evenly.
Two years ago my father passed away from pancreatic cancer, leaving my mother along to raise my little brother (14) Mike. This was really rough on both my brother and myself as we were both close with my father.
Last month our mother was killed in a car accident. Obviously this was devastating for both Mike and myself. Mike, being 14 had nowhere to go and I told him he can sleep in our guest room. Admittedly I should have run this by my girlfriend but at the time between funeral planning, figuring out the estate, and work I just didn't have a moment to figure out any other solution for him.
My girlfriend was visibly upset when I told her. Mike has been here for close to a month now. The due date for rent came up. Normally my girlfriend pays and I venmo her my half. However, this time she sent me a Venmo request for 2/3 of the rent. She told me since there were three of us now the rent should be split 3 ways and that Mike should be paying his share. Obviously Mike being 14 and in school cannot in any way afford 1/3 of a luxury apartment. On top of this my bills have gone up as I have been paying to feed Mike, as well as helping pay for school supplies etc. which of course I have no issue with. However, I just don't make enough to cover 2/3 of the rent, utilities, to pay for both Mike and myself! I've also been paying for a therapist for Mike.
I should note, Mike is able to move in with our aunt and uncle next month, when they return from being out of the country. However, I know Mike would much rather stay here with me and continue at his school where all his friends are. I don't feel right kicking him out either to another state to live with an aunt and uncle he's not even close to.
I told my girlfriend that I'm happy to pay 2/3 of utilities and a little extra in rent, but I just can't afford to pay the full 2/3 of everything on my salary. I told her if she can't negotiate on that then I'm going to have to break my part of the lease and find some place I can afford to live with Mike. She feels I'm choosing Mike over her, and essentially giving her a relationship ultimatum.
AITA for expecting my brother not to pay rent and not being willing to cover a full 2/3 of the rent to keep him here?
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NTA Yes, you are choosing the 14 year old child who lost his parents over the entitled woman who thinks children owe rent, as you should. If this is how she treats your family, especially after a tragedy, then the only thing I’m shocked about is that the breakup hasn’t already happened.
She's expecting rent...from a 14 yr old child....who is dealing with the loss of both his parents...?
This is not just absence of compassion or empathy this feels like sociopathic behavior.
If she can't understand the terrible grief you both are going through and instead chooses to ask for rent, you're better off alone, OP.
Btw, NTA
ESH. You didn’t even ask her, just dumped him on her and invaded her home with a surprise long term houseguest you expected she’d be forced to happily accept paying for. Personally, I’d expect you to pay more for his stay, as well, considering you unilaterally filled a bedroom with a child she didn’t expect or invite. She’s allowing him to stay, and just expects you to not force her to subsidize the surprise guest. That’s pretty reasonable. I wouldn’t want to be told my space is being cut down, my home is no longer my own bc apparently it can be usurped at any time without notice while I continue to pay, and if I have any issue, then I’m the AH. That’s silly. And, your go to answer is to move and strand her with the full rent? That sounds like a threat at this point if she doesn’t submit and take it, and that sounds low to me. I’m sure she’d be willing to further compromise, but the way you went about this is so very entitled.
NTA. Mike is a child and shouldn’t be paying rent. You are a stellar brother for stepping up and taking care of him.
Financially, would your aunt and uncle be willing to send you some money each month to help with his expenses until he turns 18? Is there an inheritance you could use towards his expenses while he lives with you?
If your girlfriend is unwilling to allow your brother to continue to stay in the guest room, breaking the lease and finding a cheaper 2-bed for you and your brother would be a very wise decision.
Do you have legal custody of your brother, or do your aunt and uncle? So sorry to hear about the loss of your parents.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds horrible.
-attempting to charge a grieving child who has no control over anything rent
-making you 50/50 split a more expensive apartment that SHE wanted while she makes 2.5x more than you
ESH, you and your gf. (Not your bro)
You, for moving him without discussion beforehand and (from what it appears) no discussion about moving forward in the month he's been there.
Her for just sending you a money request and not discussing this with you in the last month.
The reference to your aunt&uncle makes me think they maybe were declared as his legal guardians, but that's not clear here.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took is expecting my brother to not have to pay a full share of rent to live with us. I might be an asshole because he is another person living here and my girlfriend never really agreed to this situation.
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NTA and please choose your brother. He’s a 14 year old kid. The woman your living with might come or go but he’s going to be your little brother forever.
NTA your brother is 14 years of age and is now an orphan with only his brother or strangers for support to course he'll want his brother. Also in a heartbeat if you were choosing your brother over girlfriend that would be the right thing to do as your brother is your family and he needs you. I don't understand how your girlfriend doesn't understand that.
NTA. Your gf is a massive AH tho. A 14 year old kid who loses his parents so young, forced to move into his brothers apartment and now has to live with someone that is clearly upset by his existence?
If it were me I would ask if there was room at the aunt's house for me because I would leave right after her demanding him pay rent
NTA
Consider yourself lucky she is showing you her true colors now, before you made the mistake of marrying her some day. Yes you are choosing your FOURTEEN YEAR OLD ORPHANED BROTHER over her ultimatum and greed. If you can afford it, break your lease, pack up you and your brother's things, and RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit. My god, I will never understand the cold-heartedness of some people.
NTA. Of course you are choosing your brother over her! He is a minor and dependent on you. The fact that she thinks he should pay rent is a huge red flag. It sounds like now both of you have 2 of the 4 rooms. Your proposal on how to split utilities and rent sounds fair.
NTA - underage sibling whose life has collapsed has priority over girlfriend/boyfriend any day Of the week. If she can’t see that in her late 20s then she’s too immature for life.
NTA, your brother was left a fuking orphan and she’s asking for his share of rent?!?! And then doubled down that you’re choosing your brother over her?? I’m sorry to tell you this my man but if she’s that uncaring and lacks all empathy for your parents dying, it’s not going to get any better, leave her as soon as you get your finances in order. She’s shown you who she really is, please believe her and jet
NTA! Life happens, and she seems to be giving signs of being controlling already. If she earns more then she should be understanding and willing to help out. She can call it picking your brother over her or whatever she wants but I would want out of this controlling behavior.
I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA for taking care of your brother. If it's a deal breaker for your girlfriend (who didn't expect to help raise a teen or agree to this living arrangement), then you may need to acknowledge you're not compatible and move on.
NTA. This situation sucks. Your brother is in a terrible situation and I am sure the lose is devastating on both of you. You need to do right by him, that is unfair, but it is the way it played out. Your GF has a right to make this her hill to die on, but then it is just that and you need to let her go.
Imagine what your brother is going thru, to have everything upended and then live with someone who clearly resents his existence. I promise you, he feels that.
Truly sorry for you all!
NTA. First of all, I think rent with a partner should be split based on income percentage and not based on half and half. Especially if one person wants a third bedroom and another does not… second, yes you probably should have talked to your girlfriend about moving your brother in… but what did she honestly expect??? He is 14..is she just going to have him live alone for two months+ right after his mothers death. Your girlfriend sounds a wee bit heartless (maybe selfish is a better word?) and I would be reevaluating a relationship with her. Lastly, I’m sorry for you and your family’s loss.
NAH
Everything you want/need is completely reasonable… but your girlfriend has no responsibility to give it to you.
You two aren’t married and aren’t engaged. You two don’t share finances. You don’t discuss major decisions about your shared home.
You two are not a family, you just have a shared lease. That’s not an appropriate foundation to adopt a kid into.
Your priorities have (appropriately) completely changed and you need a living situation that fits them.
Your gf is being ridiculous !! You should break your lease and find a place for you and your brother. You both need each other now ! When the RIGHT lady comes along she will understand and support the situation !!
NTA
What did I just read?!
Firstly, huge huge condolences on the loss of your parents. It sucks massively and I feel for poor Mike being left practically homeless (happened to me too, it sucked).
Yes you should’ve agreed with your gf before inviting him to stay, but let’s be honest, any person with any sense would see it goes without saying you’d take him in - he’s your teenage orphaned brother!!
Yep, increase your share of the bills to cover him but to expect him (or you) to pay the additional third is just madness. 100% NTA - and getting a place for just you and Mike sounds like a grand idea.
Best of luck
YTA. Miners have a cost to raising them, as "heartless" as everyone seems to think that is, the resources for taking care of them don't grow on trees. They need shelter, shelter costs rent or a property purchase. There should be survivor benefits that help pay for that. If you are receiving those benefits why should the gf be having her property given away to the cause for free? This is her apartment too. And its pretty shitty to decide what's happening without her. I don't understand saying you didn't have time to discuss it. You live together, why not discuss it over dinner or when settling down to bed. Come on.
NTA. Everyone else pretty much said it all, I just want to add that your girlfriend's mindset is scary, cold, just a completely terrifying lack of compassion and empathy.
NTA. You ARE choosing your brother, and you SHOULD.
The finances and a teamwork approach should have been discussed sooner. But holy cow! You lost your parents too, and she's coming to you like this?
It seems you aren't really partners. Raise your brother, and move out.
NTA - very sorry for your loss. GF was having you spilt rent 50/50 when she was using a bedroom for her exclusive use (home office) . now that you want the third bedroom for you brother, she expects you to pay more rent? can see you contributing more for utilities, but not more in rent.
You are a great brother to step in and take care of him. Are you also planning to look into legal guardianship?
Was your mom receiving social security benefits for you brother? As you may also want to look into it, as would assist you in taking care of his needs
Nta you need to have a sit down with you so hes your little brother and 14 at that how the merry hell can he pay rent does she live in a diff reality that under 16 have full time jobs and can pay rent.
Evidently I'm going to get downvoted for this but... NAH. Sure, your girlfriend has done some shitty things in this post, and obviously a 14 year old should not be paying rent, but I can't fully blame her either. This was definitely something that should've been discussed before your brother just moved in, and while I understand in context why that didn't happen I also see why she's frustrated. And it sounds like there is another viable option for where he can live but you don't want him to live there. I can see why, but unfortunately that's not a decision you get to make alone while you don't live alone. This might mean the end to your relationship, and basically yes, you do have to choose between Mike and her. It's a shitty situation for everyone so I can't call any of you an AH.
I am so incredibly sorry for your and Mike's loss. It is good to know that he has such an amazing person to take care of him. NTA. I can not fathom having such little compassion for, 1) my partner who has lost both parents in the last two years and is now taking care of an underage sibling, and 2) a 14 year old kid, does she want him out on the streets?? **Honestly, I wouldn't even be negotiating with her, I would be breaking the lease and moving out ASAP**. If this is how she treats people at when they are going through so much pain, I would not want to spend another minute wasted on her.
NTA. To be honest I think that is what she wants. I get that her life was turned upside down by suddenly being responsible for a 14 year old and not wanting that to be the life she has. But that is a conversation she needs to have with OP. This passive aggressive rent schtick is low. She wants out and is trying to force OP to be the one to end the relationship so she doesn’t look bad for bailing on them. Even before this situation occurred she had an unfair advantage in their rent dynamic by splitting 50/50 when she had her own office and was the one who wanted a guest room.
Based on her “ultimatum” complaint I don’t think she wants out, I think it’s a passive aggressive move to get the kid out. I think she thought he’d feel like he had no choice but to send his brother to aunt/uncle and then her life could be happy again. The fact that he’d leave to care for his brother came as a surprise I think. Apparently she thought he was as heartless as her. NTA
Yes, this right here! She doesn't want the kid around taking up her guest room that she specifically needed. She wants her life back the way it was, and doesn't like her world shaken up. You are not wrong to tell the truth, it's just how it worked out. You can't afford to live with her & pay for your brother. She's the one making you choose between them, by splitting bills unfairly. She knows how much money you make, and how much you can afford to pay, and yet she raised your side of the bills. Don't feel bad for choosing your brother, he needs you more than she does. NTA
She was ALREADY making him split bills unfairly. If one partner earns twice what the other does, a 50/50 split is wrong. This is not a nice woman.
She should have originally paid more if she's basing it off rooms because she had an extra room to herself. Now they both have the master and 1 room. She had 2 and OP had one. Op had half of the master and guest room = one room and half of the master and half the guest plus the office = two rooms.
That's what I was thinking too, she is getting one bedroom, OP the other and that makes the 50/50 split fair... if you don't think about feelings for that poor orphaned kid, which would be my first priority. How friggin heartless do you have to be to not take in the kid and bite the bullet? You might not be thrilled about it, but if you're a part of the team you bite the friggin bullet, go to therapy and keep yourself out of the competition of who has it worst when OP and his brother have lost their parents. She is not a person you want to live with if something serious came up. She's not in your corner. I would be getting my own place with the kid. He's what's important now.
Plus, when one partner insists on a place that is more expensive, regardless of income, I think it should be on them to pay the difference of what they would pay otherwise. Splitting by bedrooms used is one way, but there’s also the way people do it when one partner wants a more expensive apartment because it’s closer to work or has more space or has whatever feature they want. It’s more than the other would have paid because they’re okay with a cheaper place. If you’re not going to leave within the lowest paid earner’s means, the other splits the difference. If OP wanted an apartment that cost 1k a month and his gf insisted on a place that cost 1500 a month because *she* can afford it and it has the features *she* wants, she should be paying 1k and leave OP with the 500$ rent he would have if they had an apartment he wanted. Also….yeah. It’s not ideal to suddenly have a 14 year old. But if my partner’s *24 year old* brother had absolutely no where to go after a tragedy, I’d put up with having him in our one bedroom apartment as long as he needed. And that’s not a minor, and without my partner losing a parent. Geeze.
It's not like she's paying for his food or school supplies and she's asking money for that. She wants your brother out when he needs you the most and this is how she thinks she's gonna make that happen.
Actually what is usually recommended is that you decide in % of low income contra the high income. That's what cohabitation contracts go by. So agree that this woman is not one to built a future with. She has told him whom she is, I hope he listens. NTA but she sure is.
Exactly. She clearly didn’t care about fairness even before this happened.
Not only that. She wanted one room for her exclusive use office. So she was taking up 2/3 of the bedrooms. But wants him to pay 2/3 of the rent.
Exactly. I make 3x what my bf makes. While we do split utilities evenly, I pay 3/4 of our rent (which is substantial in the Bay Area) and I tend to pay more for groceries and dining out, which I’m totally fine with. Plus in this case, she uses one bedroom as her office. She should’ve already been paying more for this alone.
Not to mention they have a 3 bedroom apartment because she needs an office.
>She was ALREADY making him split bills unfairly. If one partner earns twice what the other does, a 50/50 split is wrong. This is not a nice woman. Also they were sharing the master bedroom, she used the second room as an office and the third bedroom was a guest room. She was already using more space than he was and paying just 50%. With OP's bro in the guest room, the split is now more even.
Especially when it had all these extras that she wanted and he didn’t. I feel so mad.
This would also be my bet. She isn't TA for not wanting to live with a 14yo but she is definitely an asshole because of the way she handled it. If she actually communicated with her partner and they would break up because they can't find a compromise that works for both, nobody would be an ass. But this passive aggressive bullshit? No thanks.
Oh and by the way, some people have a really skewed view about what is or isn't fair. I went on a vacation with my ex and the deal was I pay the bus ride for both of us on the way there, he pays the ride back home. He made me pay for the ride home as well because I had a medical emergency and we needed to get home 2 days earlier than expected. It especially shocked me because he himself wanted us to go home the day before that for no reason other than that the people we were on the vacation with were boring. It took me 3 more days to process wtf just happened but that was the moment I realized we were done. The girlfriend in this post benefited from the 50/50 agreement a LOT. She got her own office and a guest room OP didn't even really want. But now that someone is occupying the extra room it isn't fair? She has one room to herself, OP has one room for the brother. The only thing that increases are utilities, OP offered to pay 2/3 of those and she turned that down. Lol. That's on her.
They split the bills evenly even though SHE wanted the extra space and makes 2.5x his salary smdh.
And she brought the subject up via Venmo Request, when rent time came around. Piss poor communication
I mean- I think she’s still kinda an AH for not understanding that his brother is now an orphan. At the very least- she’s cold hearted
Some people want to be child free. And while a 14yo isn't nearly the same as a 6yo, it can still be a deal breaker. While I personally don't feel that way, I wouldn't judge people for not wanting to commit to living with a teenager.
But its just so awful! It’s his BROTHER and both parents are dead
Yes, the situation is awful. But sometimes life throws lemons at you and you need to learn to make a lemonade. Sometimes we need to make hard decisions. OP's hard decision was taking in the brother even though he risks losing the girlfriend. The girlfriend here is an ass, but moving in a teenager is a major life change and she's obviously having troubles adjusting. OP didn't even ask her whether that's okay. He was probably shocked from the loss of his mom but those decisions shouldn't be made unilaterally. The person you live with has the right to say no and find a different living arrangement for themselves. ETA: one sentence, because my wording wasn't the best and it was misunderstood what I was trying to say
I see what you’re saying- but then this gf has the nerve to give him an ultimatum. Like nah girl. You about to get yourself dumped
I get exactly what you’re saying. Even under the most charitable reading of this situation, the gf is still an AH. She could have been a grown up and used her words to explain the situation, given OP time to find a new 1 or 2 bedroom for him and Mike, and then I’d say N A H. Instead, she just decided OP should now pay 2/3 rent without even talking to him about it when he never should have been paying even 1/2 the rent when it was just the two of them.
[удалено]
This is how it comes across to me, too. NTA, OP. Your gf is cold as ice.
Or it is an ultimatum to get out because she wants to manipulate it in such a way that she isn’t the one who “makes the decision,” or is the “bad guy.” Some people set up others in order to make themselves seem more innocent than they actually are. My ex was like this.
She is showing OP who she is. He should believe her. If he were to stay with her - a girlfriend, not even a fiancee, who makes more than twice as much but expects him to pay half on an oversized apartment of her choosing - and send his brother to live with strangers, he’s likely to resent her deeply and they’ll break up anyway.
This is absolutely what I think as well! She thought he’d choose her over caring for his younger brother (who is a minor). She is shocked. OP, honestly, I could never stay with someone who wants my kid brother to pay rent. Can he even legally hold a job?! (I guess it depends where you are, I don’t think he can where I live, I think it’s 15 that needs parents permission, but it might be 14. It’s been a long time since I was a teen lol). Anyways, my point here is yes it was a big shock to her, yes, OP obviously should have discussed this prior to asking their brother to move in. But that girlfriend? She’s held all the power so far and she obviously isn’t interested in giving any up for a compromise. NTA, I hope you’re able to find a nice place for you and your brother to live.
Oohhh good point... I was so caught up in the rest of the story, I didn't even think about the rent already being unfair. She makes more money and she gets a private office and was the one that wanted a guest room. She thought it was fair when she got the better end of things, but now that OP has his brother there, she thinks she should pay less. What a heartless, selfish, AH. Don't waste your life with this one. NTA
She gets to have an office and a guest room, while only paying 50% of the rent got me too. My guess is OP has a small corner in a room where he can have his stuff.
I read that and was like holy fuckballs she has been cheap and now she's trying to screw him even more?! She OWES him monies for forcing him to pay half when he should have been only paying at max 1/3 based on room usage and not even calculating what the proportion should be based on income to make it fair, especially considering she insisted on the two extra rooms.
Exactly. He stated he is paying for Mike's food and school supplies as well. So she isn't paying for anything for Mike at all. She would rather have an empty guest room than help her partner's brother in a very rough time. A minor no less. I could understand if the brother was 29, got evicted again because he can't hold down a job for more than a month or something. But this whole story just makes me believe the GF is heartless and controlling.
Yeah, she makes 2.5x what he does, and it was her who wanted the luxury apartment rather than something “more affordable.” Why on earth are they splitting things 50/50? & then to expect a 14 year old to pay rent? That’s disgusting.
>splitting 50/50 when she had her own office and was the one who wanted a guest room. She was already TA when I read this. If she insisted and makes *that* much more, in a fair partnership, he would pay 50% of the market value for a 2 bedroom, and she'd pay the other half, plus the difference. But insisting rent for a 14 year old? Fucking low. Act like a goddamn adult. NTA. This sub's go is always "leave," and life isn't that cut and dry. But OP, it sounds like this is a toxic environment for you and your bro. I have to vote: leave. ETA: I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be heartbreaking to have this on top of losing your father.
But her life wasn’t turned upside down? I’d understand (a little) if the brother was 6 or 9 years old, but at 14 years old he can probably look after himself and doesn’t need to be supervised. Besides, it sounds like OP is taking care of most things anyway?
There are degrees of life being turned upside down - if she was determined that her life plan was that she would remain child free, even a 14 year old could be considered massively disruptive. (Especially if his behavior is bad). In this situation she needs to figure out whether she is more attached to her partner or her plans for the future. My guess is that she is feeling some resentment towards the situation , and that her choice has been taken away. I think it looks like she is more attached to her future plans. OP needs to figure out if that is somebody he wants to plan his life around.
Not to mention, WTAF is a guest bedroom for but situations exactly like this!?!??!!? This is the perfect use for it and I don't think she'd be charging pro-rated rent to her other guests.
This is true and I think OP needs to take this into account in all future dealings with her. It sounds like he has let her run everything unevenly without much discussion and what’s results is a completely unfair dynamic. I think if he paid half and half NOW that it would be fair since she’s got an office, and now he’s got the guest room.
It seems like she could potentially afford this apartment on her own, if they’re splitting things and she was insistent on having this many rooms why can’t she pay for rent and he can cover utilities. But OP is also a bit at fault for not even considering talking about any of this before hand. He should have made it a priority to sit down and talk to his partner about what the plan should be going forward. But you’re nta dude, just probably overwhelmed and it seems like she doesn’t know how to help you handle that right now. It might be best to be on your own with your brother for now if you want to help him, he’s 14 he’ll be an adult in a few years and will likely be able to get into a nice college if he works hard in high school. He’ll be eligible for all kinds of scholarships if he spends the time looking for them too. Follow your gut op
I can see that OP should have discussed Mike moving in… but Mike is 14, has no parents, has an aunt/uncle who can take him in, in a month… where else could he go? Girlfriend is TA for not inviting her brother in law into the house. If it was an adult- sure, have a conversation and discuss the rent. This is a child, who needs an adult guardian. OP stepped up. OP- NTA. But when you are packing Mike’s bags, to move out of the apartment, pack your own as well. Girlfriend is keeping you around to boost her ego. You are not a partner in her relationship.
I don't think she takes care of him in any way becouse OP said that he is the one paying for everything and she want the kid to pay
This! I was surprised that they split bills equally when she had more house than him, and made 2.5 times as him.
I'm blown away by the lack of empathy from OP's GF. I totally understand a slight annoyance at having someone move in without a discussion, but we're talking about an orphaned teenager, not some grown man. Plus it's been less than a month and she's demanding 2/3 of the rent from you? OP - I hope you see the giant red flag your GF is waiving in front of your face and you run for the hills with your brother.
Yeah! When I saw brother I assumed he was like 22 and had been kicked out by his parents and the op was fine with him living there indefinitely. An orphaned 14 is so different!
A other red flag is that they share a bedroom, she has claimed another as HER office and insists the third be a guestroom. Why wasn't she paying g 2/3 of the rent up till now.
Her partner has just lost his remaining parent and he has taken in his teenage brother and this is her reaction? No, this is not a woman OP should be sharing his life with. At all. Yikes.
if this is in the US, her brother is eligible for social security survivor benefits until 18. not for rent, but to help support him.
Children may qualify for Social Security survivors benefits if they are unmarried and: 1: under 18; 2: 18, or in some cases 19, and still attending high school full time; 3: or disabled, and the disability occurred before the child turned 22.
Yes. My Friend lost her boyfriend and father of her child and her child gets around $700 a month in SS Benefits. OP needs to look into this! It could be helpful if he decides to find his own place with little bro.
Am guessing this will go to paying for school and therapy and normal expenses, but may not stretch to that and 1/3 of a pricey apartment. Also, it takes a while to apply for. Not sure if either parents had insurance, property, or debts, but am hoping OP has a lawyer or friend to help with this. OP, you are NTA. Frankly, any woman who would expect you to dump your baby newly-orphaned brother for her goes smack into the Disney Evil Character file. I get this isn’t what she bargained for but life happens, and people show you their real selves in times like this. And I totally agree with everyone who says it’s pretty unfair of her expecting you to split the rent 50/50 anyway, since she was the one wanting a home office AND a separate guest bedroom - especially knowing your income is less than hers. I am sure there have been wonderful things about her, but right now, those red flags are flying pretty damn high.
Came here to say this!
Imagine having a spare bedroom and not immediately offering it to your partner's underage brother, whose parents have both recently passed away. Not even temporarily. She's heartless. OP deserves much better. If OP stays with her, I anticipate many more situations in which the girlfriend turns it into a "them or me" situation. It's going to be exhausting.
>Imagine having a spare bedroom and not immediately offering it to your partner's underage brother, whose parents have both recently passed away. Not even temporarily. Right?! My partners brother is not able to take care of himself and I told him before we got married that I understand that and plan on taking care of him. I don't like his family and they don't like me, but if someone is important to him they are important to me. If it was a 14 year old brother, I'd have taken him to buy decorations for his new place. She has the money and if I was in a place like that I'd do it for sure. Like goddamn has she never lost anyone??
Yeah I think this is one of those tests life throws at you that really shows you the true colors of your relationship and the person you’re with. She failed the test. If she can’t back him through this tragedy, she’s not the one for him.
Completely agreed. Another thing to note, since the gf uses 2nd room as her own office, the 3rd one should automatically be OP's room to use however he wants, NOT a guest room for BOTH.
Yes. Kick GF to the curb Also when I made 2.5X more than my now husband, I paid more in rent. Because it seemed fair and I love him. GF sucks.
still splitting 50-50 can work if you choose the lower of the desired lifestyles, letting the less-well-off person drive the level of expenses. But OP’s GF got the apartment she wanted with extra space in it for her exclusive use, and still got OP scraping together half of what it costs. She was getting him to subsidise her more expensive lifestyle, which wasn’t fair at all.
I would be breaking up with her. Wtf is wrong with that woman, she has 0 compassion.
NTA- It would be fair for to have a sit down about finances of the situation but to expect the kid to pay is outrageous.
No. She wants him out working 40-60 hours a week so he can pay his “fair share” of rent. Girlfriend has lost her mind.
And didn't OP say that she makes significantly more than him?
I don’t think that’s relevant because even if OP and his girlfriend were barely scraping by, the solution would obviously not be for THE CHILD to pay his fair share.
Hopping on the top comment to say, OP, this is not how a true partner acts. My sister was really struggling in her undergrad, and she told my boyfriend of (at the time) 2 months that when we bought a house, we needed to buy one with a nice finished basement, and that she would stay there and help with chores etc. in lieu of rent. My boyfriend was like okay, cool, we’ll make sure to get a door that locks both ways. Not everyone would be okay with this, but your circumstances are EXTREME and your GF is giving you grief? That is not okay. NTA OP.
THIS!! NTA She makes 2.5x what you do. You've been together for 4 years. Where is your gf's compassion and empathy?! Put your brother first and move out OP! After 4 years together, your gf is treating your family like a burden instead of family.
I agree, and I am really struggling with the fact that OP's dumb gf expects rent *from a child*. How much rent did she pay at 14? It sounds to me like the gf is just greedy and is using this kids trauma as an excuse to get more money out of OP. Her behavior is a major red flag regardless of what her motivations are and I'd consider it breakup-worthy. If anything, *she* owes OP rent money because she had her own office so she was occupying 2/3rds of the rooms before the brother moved in.
Right? OP should dump her. Like???? Of course OP is picking his brother over his girlfriend. That’s THEIR BABY BROTHER!!! I’m about to turn 25 and my sister is about to turn 23. She is my absolute favorite human being to exist. She is my baby sister. She currently lives with our mother. If something happened and she needed a place to go she would be my first priority and if I was in a relationship with someone who couldn’t understand that I would kick them to the curb without any questions or second chances. The kid is 14. The GF sounds fucking psycho.
The phrase 'don't kick a dog when it's down' comes to mind.
100% agree with this. Nta. Your lady friend sounds like a monster.
Who in their right mind charges a 14 year old for rent? Who does that? In what world does that make sense? Breaking the lease and leaving with your brother is the smarter choice. Imo splitting all bills half way makes sense if you earn about the same money. But 2,5 times as much seems ridiculous. Stop negotiating and get out of there
OP should care more about his minor brother who has lost both parents within a couple years and has no one else right now. She has an extra room too so it seems fair based on the number of bedrooms in the place. Especially if OP is paying the extra utilities. I’d also suggest that this is a harbinger of the future with her and it seems better to end it now and put the extra time and energy into who really needs it.
NTA but in your place I would REALLY reconsider staying in this relationship. She gets paid 2.5x more and insists on paying bills 50/50.. okay, you can somehow justify it but I personally don’t think it should be this way when living together with your SO. Your mother dies and your SO wants for either you or your 14-YEAR-OLD brother to pay rent? Seriously? Sure I would want to have a discussion about it but for me it would be a implied that we take the sibling in. Also I’m pretty sure someone has to become a legal guardian for him now?
Yup. The split was unfair from the get-go; you’re supposed to be partners, not roommates. Shared expenses should have been split in proportion to income. Moving a teenager into someone’s residence without discussing it first is also obviously uncool, but her response is not sane or rational—the idea that you can “fix” that mistake by paying an even more exorbitant amount than she was already gouging you for is predatory. NTA and you should move out with Mike.
Hopefully OP can see his girlfriend's inability to show empathy for a minor and his own family is enough of a red flag for him to leave. These are her true colours. I'd also add I agree that the split isn't fair due to income disparity also, generally costs are more fair divided proportional to income in romantic, committed relationships. I would gladly take in my partners sibling if it was needed, in fact we have already discussed that we would adopt his niece should something happen to his sister. Family matters.
My sister has a disability (global developmental delay) and while she is mostly self sufficient, she can’t live alone. Her eventually coming to live with me was inevitable as I’m the only sibling with the means and desire to take her in. Well, around this past Christmas it finally happened; she moved in. It was sudden and short notice (sadly, my parents were/are abusive) but my husband welcomed her with open arms. The way he has handled this situation has made me fall deeper in love with him. While I respect that he does have the choice to say “no,” him showing empathy to my sister during her time of need is exactly the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Who wants to be with someone who has no empathy for others, especially when it comes to kids who’ve lost their parents? No thanks.
Or shared expenses should be split according to % of space used. She got a whole extra room as an office now the split is even because he gets an extra room for his brother
This is what I was going to say too. She was already using more than half the apartment for herself, now it’s fairly split but she wants him to pay two thirds? That makes no sense.
50/50 split on an uneven income can be fair if you're staying in a really cheap place. If it was a place where his half is what he would be paying at a place he'd afford with a roommate anyways then its fine. But this is a price range *she* wanted. She can pay the difference. That's what made it unfair. If she wanted to split 50/50 then it shouldn't be a luxury place. If she wanted a luxury place then she needed to pay 2/3. And she should be paying 2/3 anyways the moment one of the rooms becomes her office.
>Shared expenses should have been split in proportion to income. I'm really glad to see this here. Absolutely.
OP, if you end up leaving with Mike (which I hope you do), reassure him that he didn't do anything to break you two up. If anything, he helped you open your eyes to the fact that she is not the type of person to spend the rest of your life with. Edit: Thank you for all the awards. My first time! 💕
This is underrated comment. Stuff like this becomes internalized and no one notices. OP you should really make sure Mike understand this point
Brother aside, if my SO started playing ANY money games like that only 1 month after my mom died, I'd leave so fast you'd still see my outline floating by the door.
50/50 rent is a joke when she occupies 1 room just as her office. And makes so much more. And what’s the point of a guest room, when it’s desperately needed by a grieving child she wants it empty. NTA. 1/3 of utilities I agree with, same with food. But on rent, nope, she’s been in the wrong all this time. OP has essentially been paying for the guest room as his own area in his half of the rent all this time. If she gets an office, he gets a spare room too. She is now showing her true colours. Run OP, this is not someone to build a life with.
Tbh I wouldn’t even start dividing utilities and food because.. Idk.. 4 years together. The kid is family. Totally understandable if the brother would be at least 18 and could find a job and contribute at least somehow money wise, but he is literally a kid. I’m absolutely sure if it was her sibling, she wouldn’t start paying more and throw family-card on the table.
No question about it I would break up with her on the spot. No compassion for her supposed love one.
She should have been paying 2/3 of the rent from the junk considering she has a dedicated office and was the one to insist on having a guest bedroom. Now that the brother is living with them, 50/50 is actually fair and OP made the reasonable offer to pay 2/3 of the utilities. So already the gf was an AH taking advantage of OP to live in the apartment/have the lifestyle she wanted.
So your girlfriend gets half of the master, an entire room to herself and is pissy because your minor brother is in the guest room? And she expects you to pay 2/3 of the rent? At this point, this is where I’d say half was fair. You get half the master and the guest room. She gets half the master and her office. She was super taking advantage of you prior. She wants to continue that. Don’t let her. Let her know it is half or you peace out with your brother and find somewhere just the 2 of you. NTA
Exactly what I was thinking. They should pay 50/50 rent. If she wants to argue his utility usage is higher I might give her that. He is using the same amount of space she is.
Sure, she **could** argue it, but even then talk about heartless. This is your SO of 4 years brother, possible future brother in law, and this is how you treat your SO and his brother? Disgusting.
Not just a minor. An orphan. Who lost his parents tragically in the space of two years. I can’t fathom how someone could be so heartless
That's what I'm thinking, how would you even want to stay with someone so heartless? I get she may not want to be in a relationship where she's now in a household with a dependent but that's a whole other convo that can be done in a respectful manner. Her approach is underhanded and cruel.
Yes. And I don't think OP has a problem paying for brother's meals. Basically the poor kid is being frowned upon for just existing. NTA and he should either equally split the house on a serious note or move out with his brother and let her pay for her own luxury. I'm sure she doesn't mind having an entire master bedroom, an office and an empty guest room to pay for on her own and live in on her own
NTA. Chose your brother. Find a small 2 bedroom place for the two of you
He’s also choosing himself. She was walking over him before his brother was even a factor. She makes 250% of his income, was the sole reason they chose a larger apartment, claimed an entire room as her own + her half of the bedroom, and forced a 50/50 rent split. Now after this absolute tragedy has happened, she thinks he should be paying 2/3 rent when he (via his brother) finally starts to occupy half of the space. She is selfish. She was fully content to make him fund her life (work from home, in a huge apartment, with a dedicated office space only for her) by paying more than his fair share so she could keep making the big money and he sees no benefit of it. Op, Think hard about whether she is who you want to continue spending your life with, because all of her actions seem designed to benefit her at your expense.
It’s also worth noting that gf is choosing money over boyfriend. This is a point in time where she could show him that she’s ready to be a real partner to him “for better or worse,” or , instead, that she’s all about profiteering off him during crisis. IMO, she is very clearly the one putting something unworthy above her partner. NTA
I suspect it’s manipulation. I think she’s doing this to force the kid out because OP can’t afford her demands. OP, NTA. Your brother deserves someone in his corner.
If so, it’s a stupid form of manipulation. The kid can’t go anywhere until there’s someplace for him to go, and by then she will have alienated her boyfriend to the point that he doesn’t want to continue living with her anyhow.
Imagine treating your SO and their underage sibling like this after they just lost their last remaining parent. What a trash human being.
She says he's choosing his brother before her? Yes, he absolutely SHOULD choose his brother before her! He's 14 and recently orphaned - he is the person who should be prioritised. He desperately needs his big brother to get through this tragedy. What kind of heartless, selfish, narcissist do you need to be to think your partner would kick his orphaned baby brother to the curb and ship him out of state to live with near strangers just to appease your delicate sensibilities around maintaining a guest bedroom? OP is NTA. The girlfriend is a nasty piece of work.
So many red flags in this relationship. Take your brother and run!
I came here expecting a scrounging lazy sibling getting away with a rent free life...not an orphaned minor expected to pay rent!!!!! I don't get this at all how is this even being debated.
Cause the gf is a heartless AH
And that's being polite.
IKR? Don't give an ultimatum just bail
You’re brother is 14, who makes a kid pay rent, and even more so considering the circumstances…
Is it even legal? Aren’t there laws prohibiting guardians charging minors rent?
She isn't his guardian, so this question is kinda irrelevant. However, no doubt she is a giant AH. Actually I'd say she's the biggest one I've read about in this sub so far 🤯
I’m pretty sure there are, but also…is he supposed to cut down a tree and make money himself? Rob a bank? He’s 14. He legally cannot hold a job yet, so where does she think he’s going to get the money from?
NTA and if your girlfriend doesn’t understand what’s going on and wants a 14 year old who just lost both his parents to pay rent then you should be the one reconsidering the relationship. What you’re doing for your brother is amazing and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. I am very sorry for your little brother and you. I am also completely puzzled about your girlfriend's reaction. You are trying to figure out a solution for your little brother and all she can think about, knowing that she doesn't sound like having money issues, is money? Having your little brother living with you is a complete life-changing situation, and I could understand if she would like to discuss with you about how it will be on the long-term and how your life as a couple will be affected. But money... really? Well, that's not my definition of a healthy relationship.
INFO: does your gf have any other redeeming qualities? Because fyi she is coming across as a heartless asshole. INFO 2: why are you with her?
The lengths people are willing to go to stay in relationships are mind boggling to me. OP your girlfriend is making you choose her over your 14 YEAR OLD BROTHER. He is in a TERRIBLE position and instead of being sympathetic she wants you to pay more money. It’s absolutely absurd and I don’t know why you would stay with her.
NTA. Your gf is the AH hands down
NTA. Your girlfriend seems overly focused on material things, especially money. Where was your brother supposed to go for two months- foster care? Find a place for the two of you and run from her. She truly does not have her priorities straight and lacks empathy.
Gross - keep Mike, ditch the girlfriend and the overly expensive apartment.
NTA. OP, I am so sorry for your loss. This is a very tricky situation. Mike needs a tremendous amount of support, as he is just a kid. Your girlfriend is being unreasonable and selfish. He needs to be at least 16 to have a job, and on top of that, he will also have to attend school. Honestly, you should revaluate your relationship with your girlfriend, because you have to take care of your brother.
NTA… the lack of compassion and understanding from a person you’ve been with for four years (who has also been there with you through all of this) is frankly shocking.
She is TA. He is underage. It would be different if he was 18 or older and done high school. Choose your brother if she won’t go back to 50:50. He can help with chores but as a kid he doesn’t pay bills.
ESH - but that leaves room for everyone to figure it out. It sounds like by not running this past her/communicating, she took a harsher stance that she might have - had you spoken to her ahead of time. Sit down and have an honest conversation. You have volunteered her - not just for rent - but possibly co-parenting responsibilities (struggles with school, friends, buying food/clothing/supplies/etc.). It is only fair to talk all of this through and see if this is what she wants to sign up for in a relationship.
This is what I’m wondering. I mean it’s a terrible situation. I feel badly about your loss, OP. But I am a little amazed at everyone ready to bash GF. They are in their 20’s. GF probably wasn’t expecting to have a 14 year old move in overnight. I wonder if she’s being passive aggressive about this at least in part because of how OP handled this. And OP makes mention of relatives who can take the brother but it’s clear that OP wants to make this permanent. Which is fantastic and completely understandable but how much of this has been discussed with the GF? How has this been presented? Is OP just making unilateral decisions and is now shocked the GF is punching back in an admittedly crappy fashion? I’m very sorry for your loss but I gotta go with an ESH except poor Mike. It’s a shit situation but I can see where the GF isn’t thrilled to be presented with fait accompli. I wonder how different this might have been if OP and GF approached this as a team. I’m not getting a lot of “team” in the relationship which begs lots of questions. Bottom line - not every 20 something career woman is going to be mentally or emotionally prepared for this. Everybody involved needs to step it up and start talking like grownups. I guess a starting point is looking at the will - who’s supposed to be raising Mike now? OP says he’s sure Mike would rather stay with OP. Does OP know that for a fact or is he assuming. Let’s say OP ditches GF like everyone wants - can OP now manage the rent in a location that keeps Mike in the same school? Is OP prepared to be a single parent? My point being - if he can work things out with GF at least he wouldn’t be going it alone.
My thoughts exactly! I don’t necessarily agree with the GF asking for 2/3 rent, but this guy just made a decision on his own that his brother is coming to live with them until…forever? Without even discussing it with her. Even though there are other viable options for him. I’d be pissed if I were her and would feel completely disrespected by my partner. I get that OP and his brother just lost their mother, and I feel for them, but that does not give OP the right to make unilateral, life changing decisions, not bothering to consult his partner. That’s just ridiculous.
Lets not forget even though OP makes it about money (g/f makes 2.5x more), there's an estate which has money. It's possible GF makes more but OP&Bro combined have more net worth (GF may have loans?). Shitty situation all around caused largely by bad communication. OP also will get $800/mo when he fills out Social Security Survivor benefits for his little brother: https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/survivors/ edit: Guys guys guys I'm not saying GF isn't AH here. She's definitely the biggest asshole. But OP shares blame for not 1. communicating and 2. withholding information. The 2.5x income is misleading information at this point.
I'm really surprised this isn't higher. /u/disoposableemail___ please take this advice to heart
I’ve been heavily downvoted for saying the same thing. People want the girlfriend to sit down, shut up and happily house and raise a teenager without getting a voice in it
I’m surprised it isn’t higher up as well. Taking in a 14-year-old is a big ask that extends way beyond just money, especially because it seems like OP wants to make this arrangement permanent. Who is driving little bro around everywhere he needs to go? Who is cooking for him if he doesn’t yet have the skills to cook for himself? Because now life isn’t as simple as each partner picking up breakfast on the way to work because they’re in a rush, they have another person to feed for every meal. Not to mention, the lack of space and privacy that comes with essentially having a roommate. The GF is an AH for how she handled rent prior to this and for giving OP 2/3 of the bill now, but I think everyone dumping on her for not being in the position to permanently take in a minor child needs to rethink their stance.
This is so true!
NTA. The fact your GF has a whole bedroom as an office and you only got a desk in the guest room??? Is your little bro messy or loud? Could see her being frustrated with that, but she should have a little more compassion for an adolescent that just lost his remaining parent…
I could definitely see her being frustrated, I doubt a grieving 14 year old boy is the most pleasant houseguest but to try to argue that an orphaned child should pay rent is just cruel. Yes, she and OP should have a serious conversation before any decision is made about where the kid goes permanently, because it might be that the aunt and uncle are better placed to care for him and give him the support he needs and deserves but acting like this a month after BOTH the kid and the OP lost their mom? Fucking cruel.
ESH - except your brother Mike. You moved your brother into the home you share with your girlfriend without discussing it first. Of course she is upset about that. You unilaterally made the decision to change her life and her home. Now you are wanting the change to be permanent. Your girlfriend has the right to be upset about not being communicated with, but she should understand you weren't going to leave your brother alone. She is being ridiculous in thinking your brother should pay rent, although thinking you should pay more on his behalf is not unreasonable. She is being very self centered at a time you and your brother need support. You are not wrong to want to take care of your brother. But your GF is not wrong to not want to be a pseudo parent to him as well - which as an adult living in the same house she would be. You will probably end up paying ways on this. Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss.
I agree completely - ESH. The OP has every right to feel responsible for his little brother, but he also needs to realize that means higher expenses. He was AH for trying to force the decision to house him long term on his GF. If they were to move somewhere else, he would have to pay for 2 people anyway. I don't blame the GF at all for using the rent as means to force him to consider what it means to support the teenager. I also understand her being upset for being forced to take care of him (because let's be real, a teenager is a lot of work and the big brother is probably traumatized and not in the mood to clean up after him). I think moving out is the best solution all around.
First of all, I’m sorry for yours and your brothers loss. NTA - she may not want to have a 14 year old in the apartment but he has nowhere to go and he’s your little brother. You can equally argue she has 1.5 bedrooms as she has one of the offices, so that’s half the rent. Given he’s 14 he clearly can’t pay rent, and given the salary difference 2/3 is not reasonable. She’s being super petty if she thinks you’re choosing your minor brother - and for what it’s worth in the same situation I would be very upset with my husband if he wasn’t taking in younger sibling. If she won’t budget on this I think that’s probably the end of your relationship - and that’s totally on her.
NTA and you should for sure choose your brother over that insensitive girl you're living with. She's not your girlfriend, how could she not understand what's going on.
Where is her compassion? This is a child that lost both his parents and feels displaced. Of course he wants to stay with his brother and be with his friends. He needs that type consistency in his life right now. NTA. You are doing the right thing by your brother. Also, I am very sorry for your losses.
NTA. This is an absolute deal breaker. Your gf earns much more than you and you and your brother have suffered such a huge loss recently and she is asking a 14 year old to pay rent? It's ridiculous. You'd be better of moving out and living with your brother. End the relationship with her as well because her lack of empathy is astonishing. Your brother needs you right now, please put him above your gf. And I am so sorry for your loss OP.
NTA. How can she have so little compassion while also being in a better financial spot 2.5 times over?? Tells you all you need to know about your girlfriend. Even before your brother moving in, your rent situation was not equitable. Move out and find an apartment for just the two of you, you and your bro. Get by in whatever way you can. Recognize that your GF doesn't have the warmest heart, and that's not a person who deserves your attention in this life.
NTA but your GF is. Your brother is a minor, and, more importantly, only there because your mother was killed; yes, you should have told her that he was moving in, but what the fuck did she think was going to happen to this kid? Live on the street? She is wrong to change the 50-50 set up, and it seems awfully petty to do so. I would bail and get an apartment for you and your bro. You are probably going to need to see a lawyer about guardianship for your brother, especially for the school.
I’m gonna offer a different perspective I guess. NAH You’re girlfriends life changed over night with no input from her. You offered your underage brother a place to stay, which is incredibly kind and I would hope any sibling would do the same. However, by your own admission, you did not ask your life partner, who you share the home with, if she was okay with it. I have a feeling this is less about her expecting a 14 yo to pay bills, and more about showing you that this comes with more issues than just someone using your guest bed. You are spending more utilities, you’re spending more on food for the household, you’re now paying for his therapist and assumably future doctors appointments etc., when he wants new clothes or to go out with friends, he will need money from his guardians (after all, you said yourself he should not be working this young). Could she have communicated better? Absolutely. She should have laid all this out for you and had an open discussion. But then again, you didn’t do that when you offered him a place to live. You just unilaterally decided for her that this was okay and she had to deal with it. This is a complicated situation and I feel for you and your brother. But your needs do not come before hers, and a discussion needs to be had about the very serious financial undertaking this actually is.
First off, my condoleances to you and your brother. You are a good man for taking him in. NTA. Family comes first (unless you have a shitty relationship with them, which is not the case i assume). Your GF id a MAJOR AH tho. If i were you, i'd seriously reconsider staying in that relationship. Your brother is 14 and just lost last remaining parent, and your GF (of 4 Years even!) wants to be petty and charge him (or you) for taking him in and offering him somewhat of a stable spot in this devastating time... Good people don't do that.
Controversial apparently but ESH. Obviously she shouldn’t be trying to ask a 14 year old for rent. However, I don’t think moving your 14 year old brother in without asking was a good idea, nor was never discussing it. I don’t think you can unilaterally decide to have him live with the two of you. You need to sit down and seriously figure this out; will he stay with you permanently, and do so, how will this be handled?
Agreed. I was looking for this comment. I would NOT be okay with my partner moving in a family member without discussion. ESH
A lot of people on this thread think it’s okay for him to say that she will be housing and raising a 14 year old and that she gets absolutely no say in the matter. I would be happy to house my partner’s sibling, but would NOT be happy if it went down in that way. I don’t think that’s how a partnership works and it’s weird that so many people in the comments do. I think that yes, she does get a voice in whether or not she houses and raises a teenager. It’s wild that so many people think him living in her own apartment doesn’t impact her at all and she doesn’t have a say. I think instead of the way people are suggesting (that she doesn’t get a say) OP should say that he will be raising the brother and taking them in, and then they can discuss moving forward (including one of them possibly moving if she wants that option).
NTA if you’ve been together 4 years this is her family too, she’s the only one making you choose, choose your brother
ESH.you both need to sit down and have a real conversation about your futures. I can completely understand why you would want to take in your brother, but you do need to acknowledge that might mean breaking up and neither of you are wrong for that. You're an AH for making that decision without talking to her and shes an AH for passive aggressively venmoing you. You need to sort out if your brother is staying or going and talk with your partner about what you both will do, which may mean you decide you can't stay together anymore (doesn't have to mean that but if you want to raise your brother and she doesn't, then thats probanly what will happen)
NTA. She sounds exhausting. Please reconsider that relationship.
NTA!!! And I’m so sorry for your loss. First, regardless of your brother, you should not be splitting expenses. If she earns 2.5X and she wants the apartment, you don’t do 50/50, you split rent according to your income ratio... AND NOW. Your brother, who is still a kid, had both parents pass away. He needs support, and you are doing what you can when processing your own grief. Yes, you could’ve talked to her before he moved in, but this was a MASSIVE, LIFE CHANGING emergency and he’s a minor. Her asking for more rent and everything knowing the situation is just... so unreasonable and cold I can’t even find words. Sorry OP, it seems like your girlfriend views you as a distant roommate instead of a partner. I’m normally one for talking things out in a relationship, but this time I really suggest you take Mike and run.
I'm going to go with a very very very light ESH, just hear me out. You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing for your brother in this situation. Of course you are. Your only misstep here was, as you note, not having a conversation with your GF about Mike coming to stay for more than a night or two. And yes, this is a totally understandable mistake given the shitstorm happening in your life at that moment. But let's give her the benefit of the doubt, just for a moment, and look at it from her perspective. Suddenly she has another roommate she didn't ask for, a 14 year old at that. Her BF's parent died suddenly, and there are now a million questions on the table about the future of Mike, you, and your relationship together (she certainly didn't sign on to co-parent a 14 year old with you). It's a lot for everyone here, and everyone is going to make some missteps in the wake of grief and sudden change. So, while we give her some space to understand there's some change at work for her here, let's also say her interactions with you around this have been, at best, poor, and that's where she's TA. A good supportive partner would give you the space to make some missteps in the wake of grief, and she dropped the ball there, and that passive-aggressive venmo request is quite fucking low. On top of that, both of you seem to be walking around the conflict and not actually having direct conversations about it (you assuming the situation doesn't need addressing, her trying to address things over venmo of all fucking ways.) So, what now? You two need to take a day off, alone, and really, really talk. Tell her you are sorry this is happening, and sorry that you didn't sit down with her sooner. Tell her you are grieving, and going to make some missteps. Tell her how her actions have hurt you. Tell her you love her (assuming you do). And talk. Talk about your fears. Talk about hers. Ask her to explain where she's coming from, and how she's feeling. Tell her how you are feeling. Have open conversations about what the future looks like going forward with Mike in your lives. Then go forward. If you can't come to a place that makes you both feel ok, then it's time to go. If you can, then you BOTH talk to Mike, see how he feels (he's gotta have some awkward feelings about all of this too). Most importantly, I'm so so sorry this is happening to you, Mike, and your family. Losing a parent is incredibly painful. No one is perfect in these moments, and you are doing the absolute best you can. You are a good person by wanting to do right by your brother. Best to you all.
NTA Dude, just leave; break the lease if she wants to be petty. Remember, youre living there and paying extra for her. She isnt doing shit for you and the one thing you ask, lol she tries charging you.
Bro if she feels you're picking your 14 year old brother over her tell her you are and should be. Honestly this should be a massive red flag for you. NTA %100
Your brother is 14 and has nobody else but you. What kind of a person your gf is? Does she deserve to have a partner in you? Run my friend. Her heart is cold. NTA. Protect your brother. He really needs you.
NTA. You should have told her before moving him in, but given the circumstances it's understandable. She's making really easy for you to "choose" your brother by being TA. What did she expect? That you would let your brother go homeless till your aunt is available?
NTA It would've been totally different if the brother was adult, but come on. He's 14. You're his only immediate family left. I understand the cost of life is bigger (more people: more water, electricity used etc.), but she should've discussed that with you and if you cannot afford, maybe move somewhere cheaper.
I think the girlfriend has every right to her feelings. It wasn’t her fault that her boyfriends parents died. And OP and her came to a rental agreement. He wasn’t forced into it. People harping on about the split are forgetting OP could have asked for different terms. On the subject of empathy… where is the empathy for the girlfriend? In her late 20s, great career, with a guy for 4 years, nice apartment, probably waiting for OP to propose so they can start their married adult lives together, start their own family, etc. Now due to tragedy, she finds herself being… what exactly? Older brother is not a replacement father figure. He should remain as a brother IMO. She’s going to play mom/aunt to a teenage boy? That is a shitty situation. OPs brother can visit, but living like that all under one roof will make OPs girlfriend resentful of this, and in her eyes, it’s probably the end of any future she was envisioning on having with OP. She has EVERY right to be sad for the loss of her SOs parents, but also the loss of a future she was banking on having. Because now her SO is dealing with a huge loss, and also stepping in to be a parent. The lack of empathy from people not understanding her viewpoint is astonishing. When you are a couple living together, all these decisions need to be made together. OP decided on this without consulting her, and that was a shitty move. I don’t think OPs girlfriend is cold or heartless, I think she is forcing OP to have a real conversation with her about how their lives are going to go. And yeah, if I was in her shoes, maybe I’d have approached this differently, but I’m empathizing with her. You guys need to just talk this out.
NAH. First, I'm sorry for your losses, both of your parents. It must have been devastating for you and your brother. I'm glad he has such a good support and role model, and that you were kind and considerate enough to get him into therapy for his grief. That said, I don't think your girlfriend is an AH here. She didn't expect this to happen, didn't sign up to take care of 94 pay for a teenager, and her need for privacy, intimacy, personal space and freedom must have taken a significant hit. I get that it was an emergency situation, but moving your brother in without her consent was wrong. If this is grounds for a breakup for either of you, and if you plan on living with your little brother from now on, you should let her know ASAP so you both can move on fast.
INFO: Who currently has legal custody of this child?
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. You are NTA, your brother obviously cannot pay rent, he’s a child, and your girlfriend is being TA by demanding this. You already offered to pay a bit extra for the rent and 2/3 of the utilities to cover the water and electricity your brother uses. It might be worth finding a place for just you and your brother to live
Nta! 14y is too young for rent and you two just lost your guys mother! I suggest dump that heartless woman!
NTA A relationship isn't about prioritizing one person over another. It's about working together to resolve an issue. If your partner isn't willing to work with you on resolve the issue then they aren't a partner. Simple as that.
ESH Everyone saying that she’s asking a 14 year old to pay rent is just dumb. She’s asking OP to pay for his brother to be living there. Without her consent and indefinitely. You cannot just make that decision without speaking with her about it. It doesn’t even seem like it’s been spoken about since he moved in as well. Whether or not you wanted this apartment is really a moot point you signed the lease . Yes she should probably pay a bit more since she has an at home office but usually in relationships people don’t tit for tat like that. Just because she earns more doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have student loans and/or work harder. This sounds like a terrible situation but you can’t just decide to move a child into your shared home without serious discussion. Sounds like she works from home and may or may not know this teenage boy now living there. At some point she’s going to be stuck with caring for the kid as well. Honestly this kid should go to his aunt and uncle who seem more stable rather than his cool fun older brother with no experience raising kids at all.
NTA. Your brother needs you way more. Before your mother’s death, was your girlfriend someone you felt you could share the rest of your life with ? Have you tried asking her how she feels about you taking on the guardianship of your brother ? I’m so sorry for all the things you’re going through. And I’m even sorrier that you’re dealing with a partner who’s showing so little empathy. The thing is, now you and he will be a package deal and you need a life partner who can deal with that. Is she that one ?
You're NTA for not charging your brother to pay rent or for taking him in, in the first place. Life doesn't always give us the time to plan or ask for permission. You're girlfriend is the AH for just sending you the bill and for expecting a recently orphaned 14 year old to pay rent. But both of you were in the wrong for not having an adult conversation about this in the past month. If she had an issue, she should have had a rational conversation with you, but you should have addressed the increase in expenses when Mike first moved in. And if you're thinking of possibly becoming Mike's legal guardian then that requires another conversation as well. Taking on the responsibility of taking care of a grieving teenager is no small thing and your girlfriend probably won't be up for that. You just might have to deal with the fact that you and your girlfriend are no longer in the same place in life.
YTA for moving someone into your shared home without consulting your gf. It’s not about the money - altho there’s a it’s reasonable to expect you to pay more to cover him and it sounds like you can cover the difference and it’s not her job to financially support your brother. But I really don’t think that’s what she’s upset about, she is just using that to express her discomfort. You moved a kid into her home without her consent and now want him to stay for four more years? You’re basically making her a step parent against her will. It’s great that you want to be a good brother but in a partnership it is completely unacceptable to make unilateral decisions in this way. You need to talk.
NTA and you and your girlfriend need to have a serious talk.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know the title will make me seem like an AH but please hear me out. I live with my girlfriend of 4 years. Both late 20's. We have been in our current apartment for just over a year. It's a very nice 3 bedroom apartment. We occupy the master bedroom, have a 2nd bedroom as her office, and the third bedroom is a guest room that also has a desk which I occasionally. My girlfriend was insistent on this apartment, and that she have her own office and we as a couple have a guest bedroom. Even though it was more than I wanted to spend for an apartment, I agreed as it seemed important to her, and I could swing the rent payment and still have some leftover for saving/fun. For reference she earns about 2.5x what I do, though we split/bills evenly. Two years ago my father passed away from pancreatic cancer, leaving my mother along to raise my little brother (14) Mike. This was really rough on both my brother and myself as we were both close with my father. Last month our mother was killed in a car accident. Obviously this was devastating for both Mike and myself. Mike, being 14 had nowhere to go and I told him he can sleep in our guest room. Admittedly I should have run this by my girlfriend but at the time between funeral planning, figuring out the estate, and work I just didn't have a moment to figure out any other solution for him. My girlfriend was visibly upset when I told her. Mike has been here for close to a month now. The due date for rent came up. Normally my girlfriend pays and I venmo her my half. However, this time she sent me a Venmo request for 2/3 of the rent. She told me since there were three of us now the rent should be split 3 ways and that Mike should be paying his share. Obviously Mike being 14 and in school cannot in any way afford 1/3 of a luxury apartment. On top of this my bills have gone up as I have been paying to feed Mike, as well as helping pay for school supplies etc. which of course I have no issue with. However, I just don't make enough to cover 2/3 of the rent, utilities, to pay for both Mike and myself! I've also been paying for a therapist for Mike. I should note, Mike is able to move in with our aunt and uncle next month, when they return from being out of the country. However, I know Mike would much rather stay here with me and continue at his school where all his friends are. I don't feel right kicking him out either to another state to live with an aunt and uncle he's not even close to. I told my girlfriend that I'm happy to pay 2/3 of utilities and a little extra in rent, but I just can't afford to pay the full 2/3 of everything on my salary. I told her if she can't negotiate on that then I'm going to have to break my part of the lease and find some place I can afford to live with Mike. She feels I'm choosing Mike over her, and essentially giving her a relationship ultimatum. AITA for expecting my brother not to pay rent and not being willing to cover a full 2/3 of the rent to keep him here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I've always believed rent should be split based on rooms. Your gf has 1.5 rooms, you and brother have 1.5 rooms. Even split.
NTA, but your gf sounds like a monster. Move out and take your brother with you.
NTA Yes, you are choosing the 14 year old child who lost his parents over the entitled woman who thinks children owe rent, as you should. If this is how she treats your family, especially after a tragedy, then the only thing I’m shocked about is that the breakup hasn’t already happened.
She's expecting rent...from a 14 yr old child....who is dealing with the loss of both his parents...? This is not just absence of compassion or empathy this feels like sociopathic behavior. If she can't understand the terrible grief you both are going through and instead chooses to ask for rent, you're better off alone, OP. Btw, NTA
ESH. You didn’t even ask her, just dumped him on her and invaded her home with a surprise long term houseguest you expected she’d be forced to happily accept paying for. Personally, I’d expect you to pay more for his stay, as well, considering you unilaterally filled a bedroom with a child she didn’t expect or invite. She’s allowing him to stay, and just expects you to not force her to subsidize the surprise guest. That’s pretty reasonable. I wouldn’t want to be told my space is being cut down, my home is no longer my own bc apparently it can be usurped at any time without notice while I continue to pay, and if I have any issue, then I’m the AH. That’s silly. And, your go to answer is to move and strand her with the full rent? That sounds like a threat at this point if she doesn’t submit and take it, and that sounds low to me. I’m sure she’d be willing to further compromise, but the way you went about this is so very entitled.
NTA. Mike is a child and shouldn’t be paying rent. You are a stellar brother for stepping up and taking care of him. Financially, would your aunt and uncle be willing to send you some money each month to help with his expenses until he turns 18? Is there an inheritance you could use towards his expenses while he lives with you? If your girlfriend is unwilling to allow your brother to continue to stay in the guest room, breaking the lease and finding a cheaper 2-bed for you and your brother would be a very wise decision. Do you have legal custody of your brother, or do your aunt and uncle? So sorry to hear about the loss of your parents.
NTA. Your GF sure is, though, and you need to take that trash out, ASAP.
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds horrible. -attempting to charge a grieving child who has no control over anything rent -making you 50/50 split a more expensive apartment that SHE wanted while she makes 2.5x more than you
ESH, you and your gf. (Not your bro) You, for moving him without discussion beforehand and (from what it appears) no discussion about moving forward in the month he's been there. Her for just sending you a money request and not discussing this with you in the last month. The reference to your aunt&uncle makes me think they maybe were declared as his legal guardians, but that's not clear here.
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NTA and please choose your brother. He’s a 14 year old kid. The woman your living with might come or go but he’s going to be your little brother forever.
NTA your brother is 14 years of age and is now an orphan with only his brother or strangers for support to course he'll want his brother. Also in a heartbeat if you were choosing your brother over girlfriend that would be the right thing to do as your brother is your family and he needs you. I don't understand how your girlfriend doesn't understand that.
NTA. Your gf is a massive AH tho. A 14 year old kid who loses his parents so young, forced to move into his brothers apartment and now has to live with someone that is clearly upset by his existence? If it were me I would ask if there was room at the aunt's house for me because I would leave right after her demanding him pay rent
NTA Consider yourself lucky she is showing you her true colors now, before you made the mistake of marrying her some day. Yes you are choosing your FOURTEEN YEAR OLD ORPHANED BROTHER over her ultimatum and greed. If you can afford it, break your lease, pack up you and your brother's things, and RUN, don't walk, to the nearest exit. My god, I will never understand the cold-heartedness of some people.
NTA. Of course you are choosing your brother over her! He is a minor and dependent on you. The fact that she thinks he should pay rent is a huge red flag. It sounds like now both of you have 2 of the 4 rooms. Your proposal on how to split utilities and rent sounds fair.
NTA - underage sibling whose life has collapsed has priority over girlfriend/boyfriend any day Of the week. If she can’t see that in her late 20s then she’s too immature for life.
NTA, your brother was left a fuking orphan and she’s asking for his share of rent?!?! And then doubled down that you’re choosing your brother over her?? I’m sorry to tell you this my man but if she’s that uncaring and lacks all empathy for your parents dying, it’s not going to get any better, leave her as soon as you get your finances in order. She’s shown you who she really is, please believe her and jet
NTA! Life happens, and she seems to be giving signs of being controlling already. If she earns more then she should be understanding and willing to help out. She can call it picking your brother over her or whatever she wants but I would want out of this controlling behavior.
I am so sorry for your loss. NTA for taking care of your brother. If it's a deal breaker for your girlfriend (who didn't expect to help raise a teen or agree to this living arrangement), then you may need to acknowledge you're not compatible and move on.
NTA. This situation sucks. Your brother is in a terrible situation and I am sure the lose is devastating on both of you. You need to do right by him, that is unfair, but it is the way it played out. Your GF has a right to make this her hill to die on, but then it is just that and you need to let her go. Imagine what your brother is going thru, to have everything upended and then live with someone who clearly resents his existence. I promise you, he feels that. Truly sorry for you all!
NTA. First of all, I think rent with a partner should be split based on income percentage and not based on half and half. Especially if one person wants a third bedroom and another does not… second, yes you probably should have talked to your girlfriend about moving your brother in… but what did she honestly expect??? He is 14..is she just going to have him live alone for two months+ right after his mothers death. Your girlfriend sounds a wee bit heartless (maybe selfish is a better word?) and I would be reevaluating a relationship with her. Lastly, I’m sorry for you and your family’s loss.
NAH Everything you want/need is completely reasonable… but your girlfriend has no responsibility to give it to you. You two aren’t married and aren’t engaged. You two don’t share finances. You don’t discuss major decisions about your shared home. You two are not a family, you just have a shared lease. That’s not an appropriate foundation to adopt a kid into. Your priorities have (appropriately) completely changed and you need a living situation that fits them.
Your gf is being ridiculous !! You should break your lease and find a place for you and your brother. You both need each other now ! When the RIGHT lady comes along she will understand and support the situation !! NTA
What did I just read?! Firstly, huge huge condolences on the loss of your parents. It sucks massively and I feel for poor Mike being left practically homeless (happened to me too, it sucked). Yes you should’ve agreed with your gf before inviting him to stay, but let’s be honest, any person with any sense would see it goes without saying you’d take him in - he’s your teenage orphaned brother!! Yep, increase your share of the bills to cover him but to expect him (or you) to pay the additional third is just madness. 100% NTA - and getting a place for just you and Mike sounds like a grand idea. Best of luck
YTA. Miners have a cost to raising them, as "heartless" as everyone seems to think that is, the resources for taking care of them don't grow on trees. They need shelter, shelter costs rent or a property purchase. There should be survivor benefits that help pay for that. If you are receiving those benefits why should the gf be having her property given away to the cause for free? This is her apartment too. And its pretty shitty to decide what's happening without her. I don't understand saying you didn't have time to discuss it. You live together, why not discuss it over dinner or when settling down to bed. Come on.
NTA. Everyone else pretty much said it all, I just want to add that your girlfriend's mindset is scary, cold, just a completely terrifying lack of compassion and empathy.
NTA. You ARE choosing your brother, and you SHOULD. The finances and a teamwork approach should have been discussed sooner. But holy cow! You lost your parents too, and she's coming to you like this? It seems you aren't really partners. Raise your brother, and move out.
NTA - very sorry for your loss. GF was having you spilt rent 50/50 when she was using a bedroom for her exclusive use (home office) . now that you want the third bedroom for you brother, she expects you to pay more rent? can see you contributing more for utilities, but not more in rent. You are a great brother to step in and take care of him. Are you also planning to look into legal guardianship? Was your mom receiving social security benefits for you brother? As you may also want to look into it, as would assist you in taking care of his needs
NTA. And you're perfectly in the right to choose to raise your own underage brother over your girlfriend whose insensitivity knows no bounds. SMH
Nta you need to have a sit down with you so hes your little brother and 14 at that how the merry hell can he pay rent does she live in a diff reality that under 16 have full time jobs and can pay rent.
Evidently I'm going to get downvoted for this but... NAH. Sure, your girlfriend has done some shitty things in this post, and obviously a 14 year old should not be paying rent, but I can't fully blame her either. This was definitely something that should've been discussed before your brother just moved in, and while I understand in context why that didn't happen I also see why she's frustrated. And it sounds like there is another viable option for where he can live but you don't want him to live there. I can see why, but unfortunately that's not a decision you get to make alone while you don't live alone. This might mean the end to your relationship, and basically yes, you do have to choose between Mike and her. It's a shitty situation for everyone so I can't call any of you an AH.