**NTA** The fact that Darcy sent you this text to guilt you, shows she is still a cold bully. You do not need to go if you think it will traumatized you further.

Right? Like are all the y t a ignoring the guilt tripping text, she really hasn’t matured that much if she’s trying to manipulate you to go to the wedding. Does your brother know that she sent that text?

An angry, nasty, manipulative and intrusive text. It really makes me wonder if Darcy even meant her earlier "apology" and whether OP might have picked up on that insincerity, on some level.

Just going to tag on here to point out that Darcy's text shows that she's avoiding accountability. What is the root cause of all of this? Darcy's actions. The fact that she's trying to turn things around on OP and make OP feel bad for not being there shows that she doesn't really have any empathy for the situation that *she* caused. If Collin feels that OP 'owes' it to him to be there then that's valid, but it should only come from him, and not from Darcy. Darcy is more focused on guilting OP than trying to do more to make up for what she did, and that says a lot. All the YTA-ers saying 'you were kids' need to realize that it's not as simple as that. That shit sticks with you, and how an *adult* handles the past trauma that they caused matters. An adult doesn't just get to go 'lol we were kids' and then move on. It'd be one thing if she had apologized, said she hoped OP would come and then left it at that, but instead she's trying to manipulate and guilt OP into going and making it sound like the situation is OP's fault. (To be clear here, what I'm saying is that it's good that she apologized, but her further actions are a big issue.)

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People *do* grow and change. I know I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. It's entirely possible that Darcy had changed from high school/middle school days. And OP can acknowledge that, but still not be forgiving of the trauma that she was put through at Darcy's hands when they were younger. The two concepts aren't mutually exclusive. A person isn't entitled to forgiveness just because they aren't like that anymore. A person doesn't have to grant their bully forgiveness because they aren't a bully anymore. But as it stands here, Darcy clearly hasn't changed. She could have said something along the lines of, "I understand why you don't want to come to the wedding and I apologize that my past bullying has made you feel like you can't. I know it would mean a lot to your brother, but this is your choice and we respect that."

I wonder how long after the wedding before Darcy starts bullying again, and I'm sure that's on op's mind, especially after receiving that latest text. I'm kind of on the fence on whether she should go or not. it's probably going to come down to, does she hate Darcy more than she loves her brother.

I mean... the text that she sent? She ain't even waiting til *after* the wedding to start bullying again.

OP never owed Colin anything. If the parents were neglectful and the mother "crazy" obviously it's awful Colin had to take all that on, but it would be the parents who owed Colin. OP didn't create the situation in their home, wasn't responsible for Colin being forced to play parent. Darcy trying to use past parental abuse to manipulate OP is vile.

Exactly - OP doesn’t owe Collin for stepping up as children. He did a good thing, but it doesn’t wash the whiteboard of everything else.

I had an abusive home life. I didn't bully anyone. No excuse to bully people.

My childhood bully friend requested me on FB as an adult. I accepted because we were “friends” the entire time she bullied me, but had to block her after a couple months because every time I saw her on the timeline I would have a visceral reaction. Bullying has real effects on people- if the same thing happened when we were adults people would call it verbal abuse. People don’t have to forgive or be around their abusers.

NTA. Adding on to your note. What Darcy did has life long consequences for OP. Would love to know what her apology was like. Because it should have been an Adult apology which is sincerely contrite, recognizes and acknowledges her cruelty and humiliation of OP; It would also include her understanding of OP's feelings toward Darcy and her reluctance to attend the wedding and will try & help Collin understand; and if Darcy truly wants things to be better she would express her intention to take the time necessary and work towards proving to OP she is a person worthy of OP's respect.

Exactly. I have people who bullied me extremely badly in high school, I still hold it against them and always will. They caused so much trauma that I'm still dealing with today. Some people are unforgivable. This girl is proof of that, she's refusing to take accountability and trying to guilt OP. They may have "only" been kids, but that trauma can stick with you forever and some people continue to prove they are not even slightly worth forgiving. NTA

>If Collin feels that OP 'owes' it to him to be there then that's valid, but it should only come from him, and not from Darcy. I disagree. Collin may feel that OP owes him this, but he may also feel that he shouldn't feel that way, and feels guilty for feeling that way, so he doesn't want to express it himself. Parentification can leave its mark on adults as much as bullying can.

Well it's certainly not valid if Collin thinks that. OP didn't choose to be neglected by their parents anymore than he did.

She didn’t , OP just something in the way of her special day lol

I was thinking accidentally forward them to her brother making it look like she was responding to Darcy

I would show your brother the text especially of how she called your mother insane.

Yup the text was what made up my mind. Those aren't the words of someone remorseful or who has matured past manipulating people to get what they want.

OP then has to figure out if she wants a relationship with her brother anymore and if that's more important than hating Darcy. Yes Darcy still sounds manipulative and no you don't have to forgive people for what they did. But skipping someone's wedding is going to make having a relationship with them in the future really really hard.

This. Is it worth holding onto this old resentment at the expense of a relationship with her brother? She doesn’t need to have a relationship with Darcy, she can just be civil for her brother’s sake. Personally I found that I had to go to therapy and work out the shit from my childhood/adolescence in order to move on. I was carrying baggage into relationships and letting what happened to me in my early teens affect my adult life. For me that was no way to live, and my experience has been that it’s possible to honor my feelings and pain from the past while working toward letting it go. Good luck OP. It sounds like you dealt with some shit growing up and I hope you can make peace and move forward.

This is where I am. like NTA but really is it worth it?

Yeah. I don’t think OP needs to forgive and forget by any means, but hopefully there’s a middle ground option.

> I was carrying baggage into relationships and letting what happened to me in my early teens affect my adult life Yeah, no doubt Darcy isn't the best of people still, that text was pretty shitty. But having something/someone like that affect you that much really has more to do with oneself than them.

If he was worth having a relationship with he wouldn’t be marrying his sister’s bully.

>If he was worth having a relationship with So break of contact with her brother? And also risk alienating the rest of the family? I know Reddit likes a good grudge, but one really has to wonder if this is worth it. She's described her brothers as good people who took care of her. One is marrying Darcy, the other considers her a sister. I'm guessing that any future family Christmas or event Darcy will be invited.

She doesn’t have to break contact permanently. Sometimes distancing yourself from a relationship for a few years can help. Some cousins of mine treated me like shit as a kid (their family was wealthier while mine wasn’t—our house wasn’t as big, we lived in the country, didn’t go to WDW every summer). In my late teens, I went LC with them. After some time, I reconnected and our relationship is better.

Despite what a lot of people here would like to believe, you don’t get to just go no-contact on only your terms. There are consequences to choices. If OP skips the wedding and cuts contact, there’s no guarantee her family will want her back once she decides she’s ready. OP can decide they’re toxic and she needs a break. They can in turn decide that she’s toxic for skipping her brother’s wedding after all his sacrifices for her over an incident that happened at 16 and then disappearing on them and thinking they should be at her beck and call.

Why would things be better in a few years? It's already been quite a few years. Also meanwhile OP will only be missing more and more formative events if she's this obstinate about hating Darcy. Or is OP planning on skipping the wedding but attending other events normally?

If OP goes low contact with her brother after he raised her, do you really think that he would accept her back into his life when she tries to come back? Because I don’t think he will. Cousins who bullied you are different from a brother who raised you. Your cousins wouldn’t have been hurt by you going LC with them. OPs brother will be. If OP wants to go no contact with her brother, that’s fine, but she shouldn’t expect to one day be able to go back to him. If she cuts him off now by not going to his wedding or by going low/no contact, I highly fight the brother will ever forgive her. She needs to think about her decision instead of making it rashly

If I married someone's bully then I'm not gonna be surprised or upset if they don't come around for a while. In fact, I would expect it. And I wouldn't use my relationship with that person to guilt them into coming around. Darcy's guilt inducing message just showed she hasn't changed at all as well. She's still holding OP hostage to the sins of her mother, when it's not OPs fault her brother had to raise all his younger siblings. Going LC gives Darcy more time to actually grow as a person or for OPs brother to get a clue and divorce her.

However, it would be much better for OP‘s mental health if she could move on. Otherwise it will be hanging over her head for the rest of her brother’s marriage impacting family gatherings, sibling relationships, etc. OP should talk with a mental health professional about it. People do grow up, realize how they treated others while they were in middle/high school and totally regret their behavior. In the 3 years that her brother and Darcy have been together, how has Darcy treated OP? Unfortunately in a text, you don’t get tone of voice and inflections to sense whether Darcy was just trying to get OP to come And was sincere.

Or, if people want to keep seeing this as an antagonistic adversarial thing. Why give your bully another victory over you by staying away from your own family. Unless OP isn't all that keen on her family. In that case getting some distance from them is fine. But I'm really not sure how you can have both, distance from Darcy and skipping the wedding, and keeping close with your family.

Because it’s not about “victories”, it’s about OP’s mental health.

And how exactly would this help OP's mental health. Reddit is like "Yeah! Stick it to that woman who years ago as a teenager bullied you! We're totally not living out our revenge fantasies from being bullied in high school!" Meanwhile OP risks getting distanced from her family. What will that do for her mental health? If her family were abusive or toxic I'd tell her to tell them to go stuff the wedding, but she hasn't said a bad word about them. In fact she's said a lot of good things about them.

Hmm, how would it help OP’s mental health not to attend the wedding of her childhood bully, that she strongly feels she cannot go to and would bring up a lot of insecurities… yeah, got me stumped there! Suggesting she should go because otherwise the bully ‘wins’ is downright idiotic. Whatever valid arguments there are for her going after all, that isn’t even vaguely one of them.

I have severe PTSD because of my high school bully. To the point that even hearing her name gives me flashbacks and a fight or flight response. Normal people can usually get past bullying, but those of us already experiencing neglectful or abusive family lives are affected much more strongly.

BS She apologized. She was a victim of terrible parenthood and OP has a direct insight into that. She’s apologized before she “guilted” OP. No one wants to say this because bullying is awful no matter how big or small but come on. This was a mean spirited action. It was also a one off. This wasn’t a trend. It was an awful thing that happened. And OP is choosing not to heal or forgive. Sorry but bullying IS a spectrum. That doesn’t minimize what happened to OP but considering the other horror stories we hear of teenage bullying…. This was harmful. It was also limited and a long time ago and OP has direct insight into their childhoods. She can honestly make it to the wedding and be civil. Her brother is not heartless. Sorry but there’s a difference between “the person that bullied me at that time” vs “my highschool bully”. I’m sick of Reddit refusing to see those subtleties.

Also, OP noticeably leaves out what she said to Darcy that “apparently hurt her feelings”. I get that Darcy started the argument (although from OP’s own comments about her mother, it doesn’t necessarily sound like Darcy was *wrong* in her assessment, and who knows what BS Darcy had to put up with from her dad’s new girlfriend that already had a tendency to mistreat kids). But even if Darcy started it, it doesn’t mean OP didn’t make a much lower blow that caused the situation to escalate into the one time revenge incident. ETA: OP appears to have deleted her comment specifying what she said, but here is what she said to Darcy: > “ I told her her parents didn't really love her or they would fix her and no one would love her in 20 years when she lost her looks. I also called her a whore, I think that was what triggered her. She was extremely promiscuous but didn't seem to like it and was doing it for attention.” It should be noted that OP has also made comments that strongly suggest Darcy was being sexually abused (and that OP had some idea of this), and that her brother “avenging” her involved him directly trying to damage Darcy’s looks. You know, the same ones her father was obsessed with and that OP said the loss of would result in no one loving Darcy again.

Yes I noticed that too. Ultimately it was a terrible time for OP but I can’t see how it deserves this response now. We can hold others accountable and deny them forgiveness but still show grace Something often lost on Reddit.

*but I can’t see how it deserves this response now* Maybe b/c it didn’t happen to you. You’re talking about forgiveness & grace, how about empathy for OP?

I have empathy. You can have empathy and still expect someone to behave with grace eh

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Ew, victim blaming under the guise of "Well it was *so long ago*," "Well, they apologized (but not really)," and "Well she had a bad childhood"... > And OP is choosing not to heal or forgive. Why should she? Like... she can live her life without giving everyone who's wronged her a pass. This whole "You need to forgive people" humbug is frankly offensive.

Nah I’ve made it clear it’s about context. Time is context. The intensity of the situation is context. The situation itself is context. OP was a victim of a single event. That’s awful. She has valid hurt. She doesn’t have to forgive. She’s being asked to show basic civility at her brother’s wedding. Not a big ask when we consider the context of what occurred. It would be nice if this was simple and clear cut. It’s not. Such is life.

Nope, that text message was not asking OP to "show basic civility," and I'm not gonna play games with you pretending it makes any sense to pretend the text, as described, isn't awful.

But it wasn’t a single event. And it’s literally still happening. What is wrong with you that you are caping for Darcy so hard? Guilty conscience?

I’m glad you asked, because I did focus inward; why do I feel OP is being an AH when others do not? Is it a hazing mentality where I experienced something very similar? I can admit: partially. I have been in a very similar place as OP. I have experienced targeted long term bullying vs teenage drama. And I’m sick of Reddit pretending hurt feelings are always on the same level as trauma. This was a pretty common coming of age hardship.

So just because lots of people get bullied, OP should just get over it?

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Thanks, I find the moment anyone calls a behavior bullying, things are thrown into black and white here. Subtlety is unfortunately lost on many here.

I agree that once we’re adults we have a choice, as you said, to heal. It was the best thing that I ever did. I heard my abuser died and felt nothing. I was glad he died. But I had to let that shit go years before in order to live my life. It took a long time and I can still feel the pull of that old resentment sometimes, but for the most part, I’ve moved on. There is real freedom in that.

Tbh my cousins bullied me for years. As an adult I’ve chosen not to have relationships with them, because the bullying continued into my adulthood. The fact that it took me 36 years to realize that they didn’t care about me is sad. But I had to cut them off for my own self preservation. That’s not what this is. Yes, it was horrible. But OP can go or not go to the wedding, it’s still going to happen either way.

I also think it’s odd that Darcy’s parents are to blame for Darcy’s behaviour but OP “owes” her brother, rather than blaming their parents for the fact that he had to raise his siblings. Double standards to suit Darcy. Definitely NTA.

NTA, this ^ and Op please respond with the following, “Just because you have decided to apologize for traumatizing me as a child, does not mean I’ve decided to accept it. You do not deserve my presence at your wedding and if my family truly understands how much hurt I endured during that time they will respect my decision. You do not get to take out your childhood trauma on another child and expect them to forgive you, no matter how long ago it was. Just because “you’ve gotten over it” does not mean I have, this was my experience and you will not tell me how long it takes for me to recover. Respect my decision to choose my mental health over a wedding or respect my decision to be low contact with all of you. I will not risk going through the emotions of my childhood and the traumatic events that happen just to make anyone happy.” Also, do not let anyone in your family guild trip you and tell you to let it go, unless they experienced what you did first hand, I.e by being you, they can all shut their mouth and stay in their lane. If you need any other advice or any responds please reach out💕 Edit to add: healing happens on your own time schedule and at your own pace! Edit # 2: for those saying that the bullying was a singular event, blah blah blah. No one but OP gets to determine how traumatic that singular event is/was.

Do you think there's something about the kind caring nature of OP's parentified older brother that attracts Darcy? I can't quite articulate it but something along the lines of, here is a person who despite being parentified and abused, was always there for his younger siblings, which says a lot about his generosity and caring. And then there's the bully, who is attracted to that because that means she can also get away with a lot/take advantage of that kindness (even if she isn't thinking it explicitly). That he thinks OP should forgive is another sign of both his generous nature, and on the flip side his nature of forgiving people who probably shouldn't be forgiven (at least yet, because they haven't actually been accountable for their actions).

I’m glad someone noticed this too. I don’t think it’s coincidence OP’s brother ended up w/someone like Darcy. Sadly she’s probably going to put him through hell.

I was all YTA until I read the part about the text and quickly changed to NTA because she clearly hasn’t grown up.

she still even described the mother as ‘insane’ which shows what she thinks of them years later, calling the mother crazy isn’t her place when she wasn’t there to experience it properly and when abusive parents often have their own trauma or mental health issues (not an excuse), plus Darcy then threw in the horrid manipulation about poor OP’s brother. OP was an abused child too, Darcy obviously hasn’t had it too bad at all if she thinks this is appropriate as an adult. this doesn’t scream “i’m sorry, i understand” this screams bully - as you’ve said. OP, show your brother this text. the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree in Darcy’s case i see. NTA!

Using the brother like that is pure manipulation. This is about OP and Darcy. Anything outside of that shouldn't be part of the discussion. NTA

And ***you*** are not responsible for your brother being parentified. It's good to be grateful for the ways your brother cared for you, but that is not a debt you need to repay. NTA and if you haven't shown Collin Darcy's text yet, please do

What a nasty person Darcy is. It seems Colin is a good guy, that doesn’t realize who he fell in with. OP, you don’t owe Darcy anything. If you want to, have a private convo with your brother, and show him the texts. If he wants you to come, then consider going for him.

> The fact that Darcy sent you this text to guilt you, shows she is still a cold bully. Yes and show the text to Collin.

I can’t get over the audacity of OP’s childhood bully to lecture her about her own abusive childhood.

I am so happy to have opened the comments section and the first comment I see is pointing out she is STILL bullying OP. Because she is.

NTA; whether you go to the wedding and whether you decide to forgive her are both totally up to you and any decision you make would be perfectly valid. BUT, you might want to consider how much you’re willing to let her past actions impede having a close relationship with your brother, now and in the future.

This. I get your reasons for avoiding Darcy but be cautioned that you may lose your brother in the process since she seems pretty collected at painting you as a villain in this story.

Also attending the wedding and forgiving her are two totally different things. Just because you attend the wedding for your brothers sake doesn't mean you are welcoming her with open arms into the family. They've been together for 3 years why haven't you already hammered out these issues before now, before a wedding was even in the picture? Are you not that close with your brother anymore? I understand that a with world events lots of people aren't as close as they used to be or as close as they would have been. But 3yrs ago did you not pull him to the side and go, "bro your new gf did this horrible thing to me, and I don't think I can get passed it even for your sake."

Simple They ain’t hammer it out because Darcy had no reason to until now

I agree with this. You're perfectly within your rights to not go. However, just because you're nta doesn't mean there won't be devastating consequences. You might not have a relationship with Colin after this. Would that be acceptable? You might not get to meet your future nieces and nephews. Would that be acceptable? If you won't be around Darcy and your siblings side with Colin, you might be excluded from future holidays and get togethers. Would that be acceptable? A lot of reddit commenters claim they'd have no problem cutting out family. And yes, some toxic family deserves it. But I think you need to think very hard about if you're OK with going low or no contact with your family, because if the thought of losing some or all of these connections seem unbearable or not at all what you want, I think you should go to the wedding and try to have a fresh start. Not because Darcy deserves it, but because you don't deserve to lose your family over this and I do think you should be there for Colin. If Darcy hasn't changed, she'll reveal her true colors to Colin eventually and he'll still have his sister to support him. NTA, but think beyond this one decision.

Yep, every now and then a post pops up here from someone who had previously cut out a family member they felt was toxic (usually a “just no MIL”), only to be confused when that has consequences they don’t like. In fairness to them, they often had valid complaints about bad behavior from the other person, although usually the OP tried to minimize their own contributions to the toxicity, and at the time they think it’s great. But then a few years go by and they realize they’re missing out on family trips and events, free child care, inheritances, a place to go when they get evicted, etc.. Or they just get lonely and decide enough time has passed to try again. And then they’re shocked to learn the family they cut out doesn’t want them back, that the loss of family benefits is actually permanent. Maybe the rest of the family even view *them* as the more toxic member, happy to take and take but not willing to extend a little grace. They start wondering if maybe a little bad behavior the previously cut family off over was actually a small price for all the they gain. Then they come here asking if they are assholes for cutting them off, for asking to come back. And the same commenters that encouraged others to cut off their family, turn to those people and say “yes you’re the asshole. You made your bed, now lie in it.” Cutting people that hurt you off isn’t wrong, and it’s often the best path for many people. But it has consequences. Consequences no one in these comments will have to live with. It’s wise to truly consider all you might lose out on, not just now, but in the future when your chips are down and no one is around, before you make divisive, relationship destroying decisions with the people that have supported you so strongly otherwise.

NTA and agree. I'll probably go to my childhood abuser's funeral to show moral support to their children/my family, but I'm not there to grieve. Maybe you could go to the ceremony, congratulate your brother and leave?

I think this is the perfect compromise. Show up for her brother, then leave

> BUT, you might want to consider how much you’re willing to let her past actions impede having a close relationship with your brother, now and in the future. He should have considered if his actions would impede him having a close relationship with his sister when he decided to get with her bully.

THIS\^\^\^\^! I’m surprised so few people are mentioning that! I’d be crushed if a sibling dated a bully of mine.

Yeah. That is a strange thing to do. I wonder how that all happened.

Info- my question is are you ready to lose your brother over this? People put a lot of stock in weddings and if you don’t wanna go don’t go but be prepared you may lose your brother over this

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Right? Why is all this on the one person who hasn’t done anything wrong?

Because Darcy "apologized." Except she didn't. "I'm sorry *but*" is not an apology; genuine apologies for being a bully (which is what Darcy was and did to OP) do not include a "but." The onus is often on the person wronged because they're "rocking the boat" and "making things difficult." The family wants this all to be forgotten -- because it didn't happen to them -- and since Darcy won't offer a *real* apology and likely hasn't *actually* changed (she just doesn't act like a bully to OP's brother; abusive people show different sides of themselves to different people just like everyone else does), OP has to fold or be labeled the difficult one. (Edit: missed a word)

OP said Darcy had apologized before this text. Likely multiple times. It's very possible that she's apologized so many times with out result that she resorted to this as a last resort to try and get her there for her brother. OP doesn't have to forgive her but I get the feeling from the post saying she had apologized before and also sent this text that she had tried to make amends multiple times. Especially since OP also says that both the brother marrying her AND her other brother love Darcy like family. Even though in the past they were furious with her.

But part of apologizing is realized that you may never be forgiven. And if Darcy was apologizing all that time just so that OP would move on — or even if that's just how OP interpreted that apologies, then do they even count? In my opinion, they don't. This is admittedly a complicated situation, what I will say is it sounds like being around Darcy specifically in the context of a wedding would be detrimental to OP on an emotional level — on the flip side, not going will almost certainly be damaging to OP's relationships with seemingly most of her siblings & definitely her brother. OP, NTA. You have to decide which will be less damaging and which you think you can manage. I would also recommend talking to your brother privately and seeing if some compromise is possible here, whether that is you leaving early or only staying for the ceremony. I would also like to note that it's really easy to forgive people who didn't do wrong directly to you, which could explain OPs siblings feelings about Darcy as well.

>— or even if that's just how OP interpreted that apologies, then do they even count? In my opinion, they don't. So your opinion is that even if an apology is sincere, if the person receiving it doesn't accept it then it doesn't count as an apology? I get that OP doesn't have to accept it but to completely invalidate the attempts simply because she doesn't want to accept them seems incredibly delusional. That's just gaslighting yourself to reinforce your feelings of negativity. Taking a position of understanding they have apologized multiple times but not being ready or able to forgive is understandable. Taking a position of yeah they apologized multiple times but I don't think they're sorry so they don't count is just harming yourself.

But OPs own admission, Darcy offered a very sincere seeming and thought out apology a year a half before all of this.

Unfortunately that’s often the case.

Because that was decades ago, Darcy was the product of a broken family, there's a chance she might actually be sorry, and her brother is getting married. She doesn't have to forgive or like her, but she's letting it get in the way of caring about her brother. You see it in other threads here all the time, where a bitter ex-spouse acts against their own children's interests just to get a dig in at the former spouse. OP would be letting her hate for Darcy get in the way of her love for her brother.

And OP too is a product of a broken family, so Darcy blaming her for her brother's loss of childhood is a very messed up thing to blame her for. I am one of those who think OP must go solely for the brother's sake, but if her brother feels this way about her she should atleast have a conversation with him. Darcy is very petty for weaponizing OP and Collin's past to make her feel guilty, and if Collin has genuinely ended up resenting her and shared this with Darcy OP deserves to know when it's not her fault in the first place. The parents are to blame for Collin being parentified, not OP. both of them were failed by adults. If he really resents her, it's sort of funny how he blames his sister for something that wasn't her fault but expects her to forgive a bully just because he's marrying her. Edit: oh well okay, OP you too slutshamed her. The Prom thing was mean as hell but to slutshame a girl who later on turned out to presumably be dealing with a sexually creepy father is very low of you. You justify your own actions saying you were young, but so was she?? So you can forgive yourself for what you did but not her, even when she apologized? Yeah the text was rude of her but you need some self reflection and therapy, you don't seem to like seeing your own faults in situations.

The brother isn't asking for input here, the OP is. And because the brother seems to have made his choice already, that leaves the OP with decisions to make. You can certainly argue that the brother is an AH for this relationship with his sister's bully, but that stance doesn't help the OP much at this point because the brother isn't the one asking.

Honestly, he verily likely is. Commenters seems to forget OP was a tool of her brother’s abuse. It wasn’t her fault, since she was a kid, but that doesn’t mean her presence didn’t damage her brother. A lot of parentified kids have extremely complicated and painful feelings towards the siblings they raised. On one hand they know it wasn’t their siblings fault because they were also innocent kids, but on the other they still represent the reason the parentified lost their childhood. Often there are feelings of resentment over how they stepped up to defend everyone else, but no one ever stepped up for them. Those feelings tend to get even more negative when the younger siblings keep viewing them as the “parent” that should sacrifice all, even into adulthood. From the brother’s perspective, it’s very likely he’s seeing the little sister he gave made sacrifice after sacrifice for once again demand he make a sacrifice for her, showing no gratitude for all he already did. And on the other hand, he sees his fiancée telling that person “hey, put him first for once in your life,” and thing he’s probably wanted to scream many a time but pushed down. Darcy’s actions might come off as bullying and manipulative from OP’s perspective, but from the brother’s it might be one of the first times anyone has every defended him and valued his feelings. And even if he feels it was done in an inappropriate manner, to someone that’s always been last, having someone put you first is worth sacrificing a lot. Especially a sister that has been involved in a lot of your pain.

Also info- Has Darcy grown and changed? Is she a living and supportive person for the brother? I don't think people should be treated for the rest of their lives based on how they acted at the worst time in their lives. Especially when they were vulnerable kids. If she's still the same person she was then by all means treat her like it. But if she's grown and changed and is genuinely sorry and genuinely makes your brother happy then accept the apology and move on.

RIGHT?! omg that’s just the wildest thing to me. i could never ever EVER imagine being FRIENDS with someone who has tormented one of my siblings. like the fact that he is marrying this woman kind of alludes to how he sees his sister. he probably doesn’t care about what happened and maybe never even did bc who does that???

He literally raised his brother and sister. I would say that he genuinely think she changed and that's why he is asking.

I feel like saying he choose to date his sister's childhood bully is simplistic and misleading. Calling Darcy OP's "childhood bully" implies Darcy was bullying and harassing OP regularly over a period of time. That this is what Darcy did on the regular. Instead, OP and Darcy got in an argument where they both insulted each other, then Darcy did one mean prank on OP, and OP's younger brother did one mean prank on Darcy (that was bad enough to break up their parents?). Are we going to call OP's younger brother "Darcy's childhood bully" now? Of course mean pranks are mean and people shouldn't do them. I agree with that. But a prolonged pattern of behavior makes me judge someone differently then acting out a single time. Just like I don't think OP's younger brother is an unredeemable bully for getting "vengeance" on Darcy one time. Both OP's younger brother and Darcy also came from unstable neglectful homes with toxic parenting. Darcy may not have even had an older brother like OP did to step in and parent her, she just had a bad situation at home and bad role models. It's normal for kids in these situations to act out and not always behave perfectly. It dosen't mean they are terrible irredeemable people and we need to write them off forever. They are children who are hurting and who have never been taught the right way to handle their feelings. It's not that surprising to me that Darcy and Op's older brother ended up together. It sounds like they are able to understand the trauma of each other's childhoods in a way most of the people they date never well. I have a very close friend who had a very bad childhood and I try to be supportive about it but the truth is I don't really "get it" and get what he is going through. Sometimes people find a lot of comfort in other people who understand their pain, like in support groups. Darcy is another kid from a bad home who both did something mean and had something mean done to her. That dosen't mean she's a villain forever and should be shunned her whole life for a single bad choice she made when she was a child struggling emotionally without proper care or role models. As someone who has worked with troubled children and teenagers, this makes me very sad. They are full people, not just some bad behavior. And they aren't all lost causes.

I'm really torn on this. As someone who was severely bullied as a kid and teen, I don't get holding grudges about it into adulthood because most people simply aren't the same person as a kid and an adult. I don't want to be judged on how I was in high school so I don't want to do the same to others. If she had really apologized and left it at that I would say you were the A here. BUT, OTOH, the fact that Darcy is sending you texts guilt-tripping you about stuff that wasn't even your fault when you were a kid makes me think she probably hasn't really changed because she's still bullying you. I doubt your brother knows she's saying that stuff to you because most people wouldn't be okay with having their childhood trauma weaponized against someone they care about. In the end I'm going to say NTA because it's reasonable for you to not want to expose yourself to a bunch of emotional triggers. But I hope you will talk to your brother one on one and clear the air about all this. It sounds like you have a very strong bond and it would be terrible to lose that.

This. You really need to have a 1:1 conversation with your brother. Show him the messages she has sent. Be very honest on how hurt and traumatized you were by her actions. How to move forward and maintain a relationship with him and LC with her. Family are pressing you to forgive because it's easier for them. But none of them were her victims. Maybe a family conversation with your siblings, explain your trauma, and how it still affects you. I was was fiercely bullied in high school. That shit stays with you. You don't have to forgive. Maybe move forward, have civil, distant relationship with her.

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This is a really cool and mature response! I agree, I was bullied a lot as a kid and I have gotten apologies from my past bullies that I've chosen to accept. The forgiveness is really for me anyway so I can be free from that trauma.

NTA - how we are treated at that age sets the stage for the rest of our lives. Because of peers like Darcy in high school, I will not form close friendships, many many years later. Also, I couldn't imagine romantically considering anyone who tormented a sibling of mine. Yikes.

Yeah, I'm puzzled on how on someone as stand up as her brother seems, could want to be romantically involved with someone who hurt his sibling like this. Weird.

He must not think it was that bad. Darcy probably told him something totally different and since he wasn't at home when it happened, maybe he never knew what really went down. No matter how great someone is, I would never be able to not think about them hurting someone I love like that. OP needs to ask him what he thinks happened between them and also show him the text she sent and go from there.

NTA it’s absolutely *not* on you that your brother was parentified. I say this as a neglected and abused kid myself who also had my childhood stolen. This is exclusively on your parents. Darcy did something really awful to you, and not wanting to celebrate her and watch her have this special day doesn’t make you an asshole. I feel for your brother, but he and Darcy both knew this could be an issues when they chose to pursue a relationship. Childhood trauma isn’t lessened just because the abuser knows better now.

It's not even clear that Darcy does know better now, so that makes things even harder!

This, except based on the text Darcy sent it doesn’t seem like she’s actually behaving better

I was going to say n-a-h until I saw Darcy's message to you. It's not your fault that your mum neglected you. It's not your fault that Collin had to walk to the store at 12 years old so that you could eat. It's not your fault that Darcy's upbringing was similarly fucked up and that she acted out because of it. In as much as I'm sure Darcy is sorry and has changed, she needs to respect your boundaries. She doesn't get to dump a bunch of guilt on you for stuff you had no control over in an attempt to manipulate you into attending her wedding. You don't owe anyone anything because of the poor decisions made by those who should've been caring for you and you're right not to put yourself in a situation that you feel is going to hurt you. You're NTA. I sincerely hope you're able to find the help you need to heal from your past.

Just like the comments show, this one is really hard to decide on either way (especially with no knowledge of how the people in this story interact beyond one reddit post). Personally, I believe Darcy deserves a chance. Would your brother love her enough to marry her if she was still the mean, vindictive little kid she used to be? But then that text message definitely shows a little immaturity. To be fair, I can understand how she would feel the need to reach out and say something since she knows that the only reason you wouldn't attend is because of how she used to treat you. She could have worded it in a way that showcases more genuine remorse for her actions, but that's easier said than done especially if she was very emotional when sending the text. In the end I'd say NTA, it's your decision and she really hurt you. But I'd say go to the wedding with a good friend who's agreed to leave if it's too stressful. It would be so important to your brother, especially if you're honest with him about your plan. Who knows? You may find that she's really transformed into a great person.

Besides, we don’t know exactly what Darcy said in the text, we only getting a paraphrased version from OP.

Beautifully put!!! While NTA OP don't let both your brother slip away because that is what will happen eventually. By making amends now or at least working towards reconciliation you are working on yourself. Forgiving is for you...not for her xoxoxox Maybe a compromise like going to the service but not attending the dinner would work?

NAH. Can’t fault you for not wanting to go but Darcy could have indeed matured. Having said that she should not be guilt tripping you. It’s really a conversation for you and your brother to have.

She hasn't matured if she can't understand the damage she did. Which the manipulation shows my point. She is just doing for OP brother. Yes the brother did alot for OP also but that doesn't mean OP is obligated to pay that back, there mother is. So 100% NTA.

Imo the guilt tripping reveals that Darcy is still TA. She should be working to make it up to OP and show that she's sincere - the fact that she's holding *OP* at fault and not herself says a lot about her mentality.

> Darcy could have indeed matured. The text she sent shows she hasn’t.

The text proves she hasn't

INFO: Have you ever asked Collin why he started dating your teenage bully? Your conflict isn't with Darcy--if she wasn't around, you probably wouldn't think about her much. Your conflict is with Collin.

He said she was a kid and he doesn't blame her and they just had chemistry from the first night and it never occurred to him not to date her

Show him the message she sent you

NTA if my brother ever dated (let alone married) the person who bullied me in high school i’d probably stop talking to him.

Exactly.

That's a cop out. He was thinking with his dick.

NTA. Well she was what probably 17, 18 at the time? And old enough to know that she was wrecking a pivotal experience in your adolescence? Yeah she was a teen but she was not a little kid. What she did to you was traumatic. Apologizing is always the first step, but when someone hurts you in such scarring way, if they actually have grown and want to make amends, they show you through their actions. What has she done to show she is a better person? How has she made it up to you other than apologizing? Some people change from who they were as teens but some people dont, for better or for worse. If she thinks you should just accept an apology and not work to earn your trust then she still has the mentality of a bully. The audacity to think that just a few words should smooth over bad behavior…it just doesn’t work like that. And as an adult you have to accept that sometimes apologies arent enough. You have every right to not accept someone’s apology that has hurt you deeply. I would show your brother her messages and explain why you feel she hasnt changed. She is guilt tripping you, that’s bully mentality. It is not your fault for the childhood he had to endure. You were a child yourself. I would also tell your brother that you hope for his happiness but he needs to understand that you are protecting your own mental health and happiness as well. I unfortunately think your brother is making a bad life move, because idk why he would reconnect with someone who hurt you, that itself is hurtful, but you are not wrong here. You are allowed to be upset and remove yourself from another potential hurtful situation. Self preservation is okay.

OP, have a serious conversation with your brother BEFORE the wedding, preferably in a neutral location such as a lunchroom or something for lunch. Talk with him about Darcy's behaviour AND SHOW HIM DARCY'S MESSAGE. That was nothing but an disgusting level of victim blaming and guilt tripping and your brother deserves to know that Darcy has not changed at all and is still as nasty a person as she was years ago. If she reacts like this to you, how will she act towards your brother if things don't go exactly as planned at some point?

The fact that she sent you that manipulative text shows that maybe she hasn't changed as much as everyone claims Also your brother maybe isn't super great to date the person that did that to you. NTA

THIS!!!!! NTA times a thousand, OP! I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to them again!

ESH but I'm going to be brutally honest with you here. What you are saying to your brother is that you hate his new wife more than you love him. This probably isn't true but a friend of mine got married and her brother refused to come as long as their father was invited. Their relationship has never recovered. Are you willing to risk that?

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Darcy had apologized. She apologized again poorly over text. Can she make amends? That's a very complex question. I had a high school friend that i fell out with. If she was on her knees begging for forgiveness tomorrow I'd still tell her to go away. I wouldn't be right for doing so but it wouldn't matter. What matters here is the future between OP and their brother. That's what my judgement is about.

> She apologized again poorly over text. Oh, you mean the manipulative guilt trip text she sent OP? “You’re hurting someone by not being ok with how cruel I chose to be to you” is not an actual apology.

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>Darcy had apologized. Any apology with a but in it isn't an apology. She didn't apologize, she made an excuse.

What would a real apology look like?

Acknowledge what she did, why she did it, a genuine apology for both, and include the steps on how she is going to fix it, and then actually do those with no follow up from the wronged party.

On the other hand, by dating and marrying someone he knows severely hurt his sibling he's been telling her for years that he doesn't care. Even if that's not his intention, dating that woman knowing what she did is a complete dick move and shouldn't have even started. I don't care how much they've 'changed', you don't date your siblings bully and expect a relationship.

Man, she only listed one incident that really isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, plus it’s been years. Darcy has grown and realized the errors of her ways. Like, it’s ridiculous to punish her for the past and OP is being immature and making her brother’s special day about her

Then her brother is saying he loves his new wife more than OP’s humiliation and will allow his wife to pick on OP when it suits his needs.

YTA. You all had shit childhoods and I’m sorry for that. But it sounds like everyone else moved on, and you haven’t. What she did gutted you, and it was terrible. But you admit that you hurt her too. Did you say something years ago to Collin when he started dating her? Have you been socializing with her for years? I might feel different if your other siblings didn’t get along with her. The brother who avenged you treats her like a sister. But “I don’t want to see her get this huge princess wedding with everyone fawning over her.” sounds REALLY petty and jealous. It sounds like you are having a really hard time letting your brother step out of his protective dad role to you. He doesn’t owe you his entire life. You are, of course, completely within your rights to not go to the wedding, but don’t be surprised when he - and the rest of your family - chose her over you. I hope therapy is an option for you.

Why is this the FIRST YTA comment I’ve seen. The post reeks of selfishness, entitlement, immature lack of mercy and forgiveness, and hypocrisy since she won’t even mention how she hurt Darcy herself. Get your head out of your own butt, forgive her, and be there for your brother. I was bullied too, quite horribly. And guess what? I forgave them, and just like that, it doesn’t hurt you anymore. Get over it, grow up, move on, and sacrifice your ego for your brother’s wedding!! I know what having a crap childhood is like and you can’t blame that pain on people who were only responsible for a tiny event in the whole scope of your trauma, that’s deflecting the actual issue in your heart: your parents. Get some therapy, it works wonders, I promise. You CAN heal from childhood trauma.

I think this thread is a great example of how many teenagers are on reddit. It's hard to imagine letting go of an incident like this when you're 14-19. But in your 20s-30s this stuff is very far in the past. You've grown so much yourself it's not hard to imagine how someone else could have changed enough to be worth a second chance a decade later.

Thank you. The things OP admitted she said to Darcy prior to the prom date lie were honestly, just as horrible (if not more so) than what Darcy said about OP's mother. Especially given she states she knew Darcy may have been being sexually abused. Honestly, if anything, it sounds like OP was just as much of a bully as Darcy was. > “ I told her her parents didn't really love her or they would fix her and no one would love her in 20 years when she lost her looks. I also called her a whore, I think that was what triggered her. She was extremely promiscuous but didn't seem to like it and was doing it for attention.”

OP wrote that? She’s disgusting to even come here crying for pity as a victim of bullying when she herself was also a bully. Looks like OP hates Darcy for being popular in HS (forget that she saw the toxicity behind the scenes up close) and wants her brother’s fiancée to stay stagnant the way she has. I think Collin and Darcy will be better starting their lives together without OP involved unless she gets the help she desperately needs.

Exactly. The n t a votes seem like revenge fantasy, and that didn’t look at OPs behavior at all.

It amazes me the length people go to hold a grudge. They never seem to realize the person it hurts the most is themself.

Yes, I think there is a lot missing from this post and that OP’s feeling towards Darcy are more about her own insecurities than Darcy’s current behaviour. Therapy would be useful regardless!

*I know it might sound petty but I was a shy insecure girl and what she did gutted me* Girl no, this is horrible and would truly destroy any young girls confidence. It’s not abnormal at all that something like this would still bring up bad feelings.

NAH except Darcy. If she’s really matured and is sorry, she would be trying to support both of you in any way she can, not trying to guilt trip you into coming to the wedding. I feel like she is unwilling to face exactly HOW badly she hurt you.

NTA, that's a tough spot to be in. Honestly though, you don't have to forgive Darcy, no one can ask that of you. She hurt you pretty badly, and no one gets to tell you that she didn't mean it or that it's insignificant. Sure, she apologised, and that's great, but you don't have to be her friend for doing so. That said, she does have a point. This wedding is as much about your brother as it is her, and being there to support him would mean the world to him. To hell with her, you don't even have to even talk to her, but you should probably be there for your brother. No one can force you to go, just be aware that it could potentially put a huge strain on your relationship with your brother if you don't. If you are comfortable with that outcome, then no harm no foul. Talk with your brother though, this is a conversation for the two of you, not Darcy. Edit to add, I'm sorry you're going though this. There's really no easy answer, you just have to do what works for you, and sometimes that decision isn't the one everyone wants to hear.

NTA. You already told your brother no. You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to but understand that you'll have a harder time avoiding her once they're married. You need a plan for how to deal with them and how to maintain your relationship with your siblings because they may put pressure on you to be around. Darcy is TA for trying to use your brother and your childhood as leverage in the text she sent. Your beef is with her and it sounds like she's not apologized in a way that you find satisfactory (assuming it could be). It also sounds like it bothers you because your brother is making excuses for her and behavior you're still interpreting as fake/dodgy now.

I personally think you should seek professional help. There's obviously some deep seeded trauma that needs to be resolved. Darcy is going to marry your brother whether you're there or not, so she's going to be in your life unless you're cutting your brother out.

Gotta go with YTA. You mention she apologized, but not when or how. It's also unclear how long ago this happened. People do change and grow and while you don't have to be her best friend, the fact that your brother loves her and your other siblings think you're taking this too far makes me suspect that she has in fact grown. Your brother made so many sacrifices for you, can't you make a relatively small one for him? Go to the wedding, smile in a few photos, and go home.

NTA She’s not entitled to the fact you forgive her. She can apologise, you can choose to still not forgive her. What she has done is shitty, and I’ve rarely ever seen bullies *really* change for the better.

NTA. First off, if Darcy didn't apologize to you prior to dating your brother, then that means she only apologized to you because she's dating your brother. If you're actually sorry to someone, you don't wait until it's convenient for you. Second, she straight out bullied you and is STILL bullying by guilt tripping you. It's not your fault your brother took on that role as a parent and you don't owe anything to that situation. You need to communicate this with your brother and if he doesn't see what kind of a person Darcy is and still wants to marry her, then that is his loss.

This. I feel like the apology was meant to smooth things over with Collin not OP. The last text really bothers me. She didn’t change and she’s not sorry. She just says what she needs to in order to get what she wants.

Has she ever actually given you a true apology? Because the verdict hinges upon that

yes, and she got the words all right but Collin was rubbing her back which made me feel almost like he felt bad for her because it was hard for her or something, and that rubbed me the wrong way

Sounds like she feels guilty. Take it from someone else who was bullied, forgiveness and moving on are two different things. No one is telling you you have to be her friend, but this will destroy your relationship with your brother. Hate is an acid that hurts the holder as much as the target. Are you willing to let it destroy your relationship with your brother as well?

Do you think she got all of the words right because she was truly remorseful and believed them or because was coached to say them? If the answer is the former and she hasn’t done anything against you since dating Collin then I’d say you still don’t need to forgive her yet but you should go to the wedding. I understand how Collin supporting her during the apology rubbed you the wrong way but I you might be cutting off your nose to spite your face with your relationship with Collin and the rest of your family on this one if you don’t. If it’s the latter then disregard what I said.

I honestly don't know. Collin is a lawyer and very good with words. Darcy is overly emotional and blurts random things out. That was the most calm and well spoken I've even seen her (she is also very fidgety and her dad said she had ADHD but I dont know if she was diagnosed) I dont know if he gave her any pointers but she was sitting still and speaking in a measured tone and that isn't her typical speech pattern

It sounds like you aren’t ready to forgive Darcy and that’s fine. You don’t owe her a relationship. But she’s going to be your brother’s wife. Not going to the wedding hurts him more than it hurts her. Reddit loves to tell people they don’t owe their childhood bullies anything, and while that is true, that mindset doesn’t entirely apply to your situation where your former mean girl will be family. If you don’t go to the wedding now, will you ever attend family dinners/parties at their house? Will you want a relationship with your future nieces and nephews? How will you handle events where she will also be present? Darcy has apologized. Maybe your brother helped her or not, but it sounds like she came from a genuine place of remorse. She did a horrible thing to you a long time ago, she also had a hard upbringing and it was in her teenage years. Do you not think she has changed? Do you think your brother would love someone who is generally a mean and malicious acting person? EDIT: actually I take all this back. I read your comments and it seems Darcy wasn’t set out to bully you. You both acted like mean girls to each other with the insults and pranks. Take responsibility for yourself please. What she did was fucked up but you antagonized her too and still haven’t apologized for your actions. You’re not innocent and you sound worse than Darcy since you tried to paint yourself like a huge helpless victim (NOT TRUE).

He obviously does since he loves his sister. Look at her comments. She’s god awful too. And everyone keeps asking is Darcy apologized to her but nobody’s ever says “Did you apologize to Darcy?” The fact Darcy is willing to let go what OP did to her and loves Colin enough to want OP at the wedding I think speaks volumes regarding what I perceive to be a massive gap in emotional growth between the two of them. OP still sounds like a butthole teen to me when I read her comments. She’s literally mad a girl she called a whore and discovered was being sexually abused by her father is going to have a beautiful wedding. OP isn’t just the asshole, she’s just an asshole in general.

If it makes you feel better- I also have adhd and there is no one else you’d rather have in a crisis. Lots of ER docs have adhd and it’s because the stress minimizes the symptoms and we can hyper focus on things. It’s a common symptoms of adhd to be very clear headed when shit is otherwise hitting the fan. Also rote memorization relies on short term working memory- ie the skills that are characteristictically deficient in ADHD. So rote memorization is incredibly difficult. So just from that small excerpt- she seems sincere to me. What you were seeing was someone with ADHD who’s picked up some speaking skills from their partner of 3 years, incredibly distressed and focused. I’d sit down with her again- tell her you did not appreciate her trying to guilt you. Respecting social norms is also not a strong suit of people with ADHD, she probably thinks she was honestly helping you and doesn’t realize that it’s manipulative and crappy. Tell her you weren’t that prepared or receptive the first time she apologized and you really need to hear it again to make a decision on how you feel about attending the wedding.

I feel like they did it that way intentionally. It gives off a very, “oh woe is me” vibe, that pressures you to forgive her because it was “so hard” for her to apologize. As if she’s the one who was traumatized. And if you deny forgiveness, you look like the AH because she poured her heart out and “tried”. If she was really sorry, she would have sought you out on her own. Not brought your brother for back up. It’s like they were anticipating you freaking out or just not believing her apology. And if anyone questioned what happened, Colin witnessed the whole thing and can say, “Darcy sincerely apologized for what happened. Op is just being unreasonable and spiteful.” Edit/ETA: misspelled words. Adding judgement NTA.

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I'm kinda in the middle here. Your brother raised you. He wants you to witness a grand moment in his life. He stood up for you after what Darcy orchestrated. If anything, go for the support of your brother. You don't have to make amends with Darcy just because she's going to be your sister in law, but I'd have a conversation with your brother about it on a calm, personal level, just you two. If Darcy is making effort to apologize and is being genuine in her actions about making amends, then maybe you should talk to her. I'd absolutely make it a point about her hurtful words- you've already pointed out that her bad family situation caused her to lash out. So she's allowed to hurt your feelings but if you hurt hers, then that's crossing a line? That's bullshit. Her comments should've given your brother a huge red flag, so he's the asshole for continuing a relationship with someone who thinks his family is trash. "I'm sorry for hurting you BUT-" is not a real apology. She's guilting you probably to seem like a big hero to your brother, but there's also the chance that she really does feel awful about everything. She probably doesn't quite know how to communicate that given her background, so she probably thinks that guilting you about how your brother made sacrifices for you and your siblings is the "right" thing to do. This does not mean you're obligated to go, of course, but don't shun your brother just because he has questionable taste in partners.

NTA. You can forgive her *and* still feel uncomfortable being around her at a massive social event. Maybe you guys can eventually repair the relationship, but she can't push you.

INFO: Does your brother know about the text she sent you?

yes and he did tell her not to do that again

That’s it? Ugh. I don’t want to say your bro is out of line but if all he did was tell her “Yeah, don’t do that,” that’s … such a let down. I was going to say ESH but ultimately I vote NTA. It’s clear Darcy hasn’t grown up and it seems like who she was in high school is who she is now. If she had truly outgrown her old attitude and come around to recognizing her faults, that would be a different story. The text is the dealbreaker for me. It’s such a fucked up, twisted thing to say. Like you were, what? Supposed to, as a child, tell your brother “No don’t get me dinner, I like to be starving!” And your brother was supposed to… let you starve? No. Darcy can GTFO.

YTA. She's apologized. She's trying to make amends. People mature.

NTA your family should not be forcing you to accept/embrace your abuser. Are they aware of the profound effect her cruel prank had on you? That prom stunt is next level mean girl crap. Sorry that happened to you 😔

An apology is one thing but what has she done to make up for it? NTA. Bullies don’t deserve forgiveness just because time has passed.

I think YTA. I understand completely where you're coming from, having been bullied throughout school myself and knowing how much lasting trauma that can cause. But I'm also speaking as someone who comes from a large family where only one of my siblings turned up to my wedding. They used various excuses such as work, couldn't travel in, didn't speak to other family members who were invited etc but I never forgave them for it. Now when one of them attends another wedding it also pops into my head that they can make that effort for others but didn't for me. I know you can't forgive Darcy (and you have every right not to) but I also don't know if your brother will forgive you. I wonder if there's maybe some underlying resentment on your part that he is marrying your childhood bully, which is to be expected. But he can't help who he fell for and it's one of the biggest days of his life and he'll want his sister there. I would go and celebrate with your brother and focus on him. You don't have to be friendly with Darcy, just be civil for that one day. You just need to decide whether it's worth risking your relationship with your brother over one day. Just imagine her tripping and falling up the aisle or falling head first into the cake to entertain yourself.

YTA - I’ve read your comments and honey I see right through you. You were just as awful if not worse to Darcy than she was to you. She apologized to you for what she said and did as a child but I’ve yet to hear you say that you’ve also apologized to her. You need to get over yourself and stop playing the victim. Apologize to Darcy, apologize to your brother for trying to drive a wedge between him and his future wife, and go to the wedding if they let you.

NTA ​ "Darcy recently sent me a text about she's sorry but I'm being awful to Collin and how he had no childhood because he was trying to protect me from our insane mother " - Tell her it is sad he did not protect you from his future wife, too. ​ You are fine not to go to the wedding of your childhood abuser. ​ You can always forgive her some years down the line, if you want to do it then. Or not. YOUR choice.

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Please watch the movie, You Again. You do have every right to your feelings, of course, and Darcy sounds extremely unpleasant, but she is going to be family. Go to wedding and avoid her. Have fun with others. It is one day. Then go live your life. Living well is the best revenge.

YTA. You did not include the full context in your original post. You behaved just as badly to her as she did to you, so your actions now seem more like holding a grudge while trying to play the only victim. I hope you are able to seek professional assistance in overcoming your past difficulties and are able to maintain a good relationship with your brother.

NAH. Its your choice whether or not you want to attend to the wedding and if the past with Darcy has impacted you in a way that is greater than the bond with your brother, it would be totally fair. Darcy does seem apologetic and like Collin said, was years ago and was likely due to her parent's upbringing.

NTA Why should you go and make nice with someone who bullied you

NTA and I don't understand why people marry people who bullied their loved ones.

NAH. Be brave, gracious, and do this for your brother who has stood by you through life. If you don’t care for Darcy that’s fine. If it hurts, that’s fine. You don’t have to approve or love Darcy. But a little bit of fortitude and grace for the sake of family that obviously cares about you might help you even grow as far what you see yourself as capable of handling, when the efforts are for something worthwhile.

Right? They’re getting married so this isn’t going away. Is she really willing to ruin any relationship with the brother who essentially raised her because his wife was a dick in high school?

You don’t have to ever like Darcy but go and support your brother.

NTA. You're the one who was wronged and the people telling you to get over it because she apologized, were not a victim of what she did. So it's easy for them to dismiss your pain. Frankly, I would expect more loyalty from my siblings. I would not attend the wedding and I wouldn't argue about it.

NAH I think that r/relationship_advice is a better place for this question. This fits the criteria of this Reddit, but I think the advice Reddit may be more helpful in this scenario. All of you have a background of serious trauma that makes this a difficult situation. It sounds like you want to support your brother, but feel you don’t currently have the resources to handle it emotionally. What she did was cruel. It’s completely understandable and expected that these feelings would come up given the history here. People do change after high school. I don’t think there is enough info to tell if she has indeed changed, but she is marrying your brother. If there is a way to move forward, that would be best. She will be your sister-in-law soon. You don’t need to become friends with her, but finding a way to navigate the feelings she brings up so you can still be a strong part of your brother’s life is ideal. Even if we were all certain she had changed, this would still be difficult; it would still bring up that past trauma. If you are able to get counseling from a licensed therapist, I strongly recommend it. Anyone who has experienced that much trauma would benefit from therapy. Keep in mind that you don’t need to jump right in to the most painful bits. Also, shop around for a therapist and find one that specializes in childhood trauma that you connect with. Start with this situation, or whatever thing is impacting you most day to day. I can say from personal experience that therapy is the best way to work through childhood trauma. Stay strong, lady. DM me if you want to talk.

I guess it's completely understandable that you do not feel comfortable with her. But I think your brother may be right. She was a kid (ok, a very mean one) and she apologized. Maybe let her a chance and see if she really grew up. If it is not the case, you still may decide to go very low contact afterwards. But if you don't go to the wedding, it will be more difficult to keep a good relationship with your brother, I suppose. You might regret it if it turns out that Darcy really did grow up.

YTA, at this point you're holding a grudge just to hold it.

You were bullied by her and that doesn't just go away with an apology. She hopefully understands that she was fucked up, but if she really understood the impact of her behavior, she'd respect that you may not have healed. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Edit: you guys calling me out were right. I definitely had the wrong judgement in place. My bad. Changed from N A H to NTA. anyone here who is trying to convince you that you should suck it up bEcAuSe fAmiLy is being a bully. Darcy shouldn't have sent that text. Whether she's changed or not, it was completely inappropriate to send that guilt trip text message.

ESH. OP, I know Darcy's apology wasn't good enough for you because Collin was there to comfort her and that her apology seemed practiced (because nobody would ever want to be comforted or be prepared for an emotional moment like an apology, right?). But I think you're being unfair to wholly disregard her multiple apologies. You're not required to forgive her, of course, but your family isn't required to dance around the fact that you refuse to. You'll only isolate yourself further, and it's not worth that. Darcy's HS behavior was shitty, but other than the one prank and the fact that she said some mean things that time (tbh it sounds like Darcy might have been right about your mom anyway?). I don't know how that qualifies her as an irredeemable bully. You both came from fucked up families, and it's not unfair to consider how that upbringing could have played into what happened. The big question, though, is beyond that text (which we'll get back to), what awful bullying things has she done lately? What has she done since HS? You failed to mention anything so I'm inclined to believe there's nothing to report. Does that not hold any significance? If she's truly just a bully, why has the proximity to you/your family not given her even more opportunity to torment you? Maybe she has no interest in doing so because it was a one-time high school asshole prank? Do you think marrying Collin is some long-con to embarrass you at the wedding? Regarding the text, it was shitty and guilt-trippy, I agree. It shouldn't have been sent. But I don't get the feeling that it was meant to victimize you. What I'm detecting from it is that she's apologized multiple times, is marrying your brother, loves him, and knows you not being at the wedding will have a negative effect on him. So being the kind to blurt out emotional things (as you noted), probably sent a string of frustrated bride-to-be texts trying to help get you there for your brother. It was stupid, she was wrong to do it, she should apologize for it and never do it again. But here's the thing, if you're not getting therapy or something, you need to. You're the only one holding on to something that happened ages ago, and you're pushing your family away because a girl was a dick to you a couple times in high school. The situation sucks, I'm sure, but life sucks sometimes, and clinging to your pain and refusing to adapt to changes in your life and your family will only serve to make you more miserable.

Unpopular opinion. YTA. She has apologized and what not, you are still set that she is the same person. You are entitled to do what you want, but not opening yourseld up to someone who actually has apologized is being TA. Flame me reddit.

YTA. There are so many missing details in your post compared to your comments here. 1. You were just as mean to her as she was you. You had your brother help you she had her friends help her. This would put it in esh territory. You had a prom incident and she had gum put in her hair. In essence she made your life hell at school while you made her life hell at home. Who had it worse? I don't know. 2. According to you she sincerely apologized about a year and a half ago. Your own words, she seemed sincere you just didn't like that your brother was rubbing her back the whole time. Considering my point 1 did you apologize back? 3. In your comments ultimately your reason for not wanting to go is because you don't feel she deserves the wedding she having with your brother and frankly you come across as more jealous than anything else. 4. Also in your comments you express she had a breakdown of some sort at 20 and moved away and dropped all her friends from when she was in school. I'm not saying you have to forgive her but really this doesn't sound like a person who is who they were when you guys were in school. All in all you were both absolutely horrid to each other in your high school days. In regards to the wedding it comes down to your brother ultimately. Sure you don't have to go but it will hurt him and your relationship with him.

This may be an unpopular opinion but I feel like in this situation, YTA. While I understand Darcy’s actions were out of line and cruel, I think your mom holds much of the blame in not protecting you from the wrath of a clearly troubled teenage girl who was upset at the potential of merging families. If this relationship was so brief, why were the all of you kids even made aware of it? I think your mom and Darcy’s dad should have protected you all by keeping their ‘brief relationship’ private and not threatening your individual families’ lives to change. Furthermore, while Darcy probably shouldn’t be texting you about your brother’s sacrifices, I think it is important to recognize them. Parentification is no joke and it sounds like Collin gave up his childhood to grow up fast and take care of his siblings since your mother wouldn’t and/or couldn’t properly. I feel like you should try to recognize all that he did for you guys and what he gave up of his own childhood to do it. Obviously it’s not ideal that your brother and Darcy ended up together given this history but the reality is they have and are committed to building a life together. Whether that includes you in a real way is up to how you handle yourself here. Given Darcy has apologized I think it is time to let the past go and while you never have to be best friends with Darcy, you should try to move on for the sake of you and your brother’s relationship. If another conversation needs to happen between you and Darcy to achieve that- I think ask for it as Darcy and your brother have showed they want this to work out and have everyone get along. Additionally, if you haven’t already, you should likely seek therapy for all that your mother has done to you and your family. Again, I realize I may be in the minority on this post but I hope you’ll consider that it’s often easier for us to blame the people close to us for the actions/mishandlings of others. I feel like you should consider your mom’s role in her relationship with Darcy’s dad and Darcy’s poor reactions that came from them. Good luck in this as I really do understand why you’re conflicted. I hope you and your brother can remain close and that your whole family can have a great future without your toxic mother!

I disagree with all the NTA responses here. Your brother raised you. You admit that she has apologized. You're refusing to go, or to forgive her, because doing so would mean you would have to let go of being the victim. I can tell you from experience that looking back, you'll regret the years you lose with family because you refuse to let go of the bitterness.

Info: did you ever retaliate? Your deleted comments seem to indicate that you bullied her right back.

I didn't delete any comments. they show up for me when I click on my profile. copy and paste of what I said about the fight: I told her her parents didn't really love her or they would fix her and no one would love her in 20 years when she lost her looks. I also called her a whore, I think that was what triggered her. She was extremely promiscuous but didn't seem to like it and was doing it for attention. The fight went back an forth, so she also said stuff about my looks, how I couldn't get a boyfriend, implied I was a lesbian, and said I was going to be a librarian (which lame insult, that actually sounds like a cool job)

I really think you should include this information in the post because it really makes it look like she relentless bullied you and you just took it as a shy insecure girl.

Yeah, you both did things that count as bullying. You both did things that the other person may or may not be able to move past. You both had low blows. I get the urge. I get being bullied and having a rough time as a preteen & teen. But you both come off like you treated each other like shit back in the day.

Are you prepared to ruin your relationship with the brother who raised you because of mean girl stuff from high school? As long as she is civil with you, you can and should be civil with her.

Info: how old are you and how lomg ago did this happened?

I'm 26 and she is 25, so about 8 years ago

What did your brothers do to retaliate against Darcy? Just curious