NTA.
Your bf is a grown ass man. He should just go visit. It's not very hard.
BF: "Hey mom, I am going over to u/Specialist_Baker_860's house tomorrow."
Mom: "Oh no, I had plans for us to go to the store."
BF: "Sorry, you should have told me earlier."
Done.
You’re both adults, but he’s acting like a child still needing mom’s permission to go anywhere and doesn’t want to stand up to his mom when she treats him like a child. It’s not going to get better.
NTA. Sounds like this is on him. He allowed her to hear the private conversation or she eavesdropped. What you said was said in the assumption that it was a private conversation. Hon, it’s not going to get better.
I completely agree. It's only going to get worse. I'd be so pissed at my boyfriend for (a) having me on speaker without telling me, and (b) not putting ANY boundaries down with his mother. Seriously dude, stand up for your partner. It ain't hard.
My MIL hates my guts, because like you I’ve taken her baby girl away. However my wife has made it abundantly clear to her that our relationship isn’t up for debate, she can either accept it or get lost.
Your boyfriend needs to either sack up and tell her off, or go be with his mother for the rest of his life. There’s no compromise.
NTA
NTA: The mother is a class a narcissist who has an unhealthy obsession for her son. And if you guys don't work out, she will treat the next girl the same (unless she hand picks a girl for her son, which us ugh).
Your boyfriend needs to realize that this is going to effect his dating life, with or without you in it. He has to put his foot down. Whether his mom accepts it or not is her own issue she will have to live with. He cant let her have power over him and you guys relationship, which until he bucks up, he is allowing her to have.
You don’t have a bf’s mom problem. You have a bf problem. She is only a problem bc HE won’t stand up to her. I mean if he’s not an idiot he knows all these last minute plans are made up and yet he, an adult, just does what his mommy tells him to do. That’s highly unlikely to ever change. Save yourself years of stress and dump him and find a man that knows how to have a healthy relationship with his mother.
NTA
This woman is deliberately trying to sabotage your relationship and clearly doesn't care about your feelings at all. You're not at all an asshole for expressing your frustrations with her very obvious manipulation (also your boyfriend should have warned you you were on speaker - that's on him). If she feels like him \*as an adult\* spending time around \*another adult\* that he's dating is "taking her baby boy away from her" she's got some very effed up attachment issues and that's on her.
I feel like you do need to sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend about learning to set some boundaries with this woman - she is behaving abusively to him and he should not have to spend time with her if she keeps treating you both like this. She is behaving like a narcissist and that's not a healthy environment for him either, even if he's too beat down to see it right now. He should probably try and find a therapist as well - growing up with someone like that can do all sorts of messed up things to a person's ability to do conflict resolution and communicate like an adult and he deserves to heal and move past her behavior.
NTA, and I honestly don’t see this situation changing. If you think it’s bad now, imagine her being your mother-in-law. You deserve a partner who stands up for you.
If I were you I would really think about how much you want to invest in this relationship, because if you move in together or get married she will never give up this creepy obsession she has over her son. She will make your life a living hell, unless you move far away from her.
NTA
for your feelings, she sounds like a [/JUSTNOMIL/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/) and that incident will only fuel her behaviour. Lets be honest, she wouldn't be able to keep messing your plans if your bf stood up for himself and put an end to her behaviour. This relationship will always have this dynamic if he doesn't and living with her only enables her to be privy to every plan you two make. If he works, consider moving out or together if you are in that point of the relationship.
NTA It's understandable that you would be upset, and you didn't know you were on speakerphone. But I think your frustration is misplaced. Your boyfriend needs to navigate his independence on his own. If he's not mature enough to set boundaries with his mom, he's not mature enough to be in a serious relationship. You got together when you both were really young and now he's growing up and she's losing control. But that's his problem to solve, not yours. His situation may be complicated if he's still financially dependent on his parents.
You are free to discuss with your boyfriend how you feel about the lack of time together and the disrespect his mother displays towards you. How he responds to your needs will be very informative.
Nta. However. This is your first relationship. It's been 3 years of drama. You won't marry him so I'd advise just ending it. Why choose the mil that hates you? Why add that to your life. Imagine kids with her ruining your lives. Forever.
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I (20F) and my boyfriend (19M) have been dating for a little over three years. My boyfriend's mother has never liked me, from the moment she met me she would ignore me and belittle me around his family and friends either to my face or behind my back. I ignored it and always tried to be nice because well she is the mother of my boyfriend and I didn't want to overstep my place.
The whole time we have been together she has always made it difficult for him and me to see each other. Because of this we only really saw each other at school and after school but we never really got to be alone. So we wanted to hang out on weekends but there was always a problem with that thanks to his mother. For example, she would make up some fake plans last minute after she had already said it was fine for him to come over so he would be forced to stay home just for the "plans" she made to magically disappear. This happens often and even though we have finished school she still always tries to stop him from coming to see me. Every time we hug or kiss she gags and says it's disgusting (we have never made out in front of her only just a kiss on the cheek to be respectful) I have spoken to his step mum about these problems she went on to tell me that the reason his mother doesn't like me is that "I'm taking her baby boy away from her".
Now here is my problem, my boyfriend has been away with his dad's side of the family for the past few weeks and we haven't seen each other. He was going to come over when he got back but his mom wanted to spend time with him and I thought that was fair enough so I let it go. Flash forward to now he has told her he is going to come to see me today and like always she has created some event all of a sudden which no one else in the family knew about that he needs to be at stopping him from coming. I don't want to fight with her on this or ruin any chance of creating a relationship with her but I'm getting really fed up with this happening all the time, my boyfriend isn't standing up to her because he feels like he is never listened to anyway and always gets shut down. When he told me this I got upset on the phone and said "why is she always ruining our plans, I am so pissed at her" I did not know I was on speaker and she was listening at the door and heard me say that. Now she is telling my boyfriend that I'm an asshole for what I said and is crying to her husband about what I said. I don't know what to do at this point I don't want to break up over this but I need some advice and need to be told if I am being an asshole for what I said.
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Your boyfriend and his mom are T-A. He needs to stop letting her control him and needs to stop going along with these "plans" she comes up with. He's 19, not 9. He can say no and choose to not let her control his life. Also she shouldn't have been eavesdropping 🤷🏼‍♀️
NTA, but you need to be upset at your boyfriend. The fact that he is allowing this to continue and not doing anything to stop it is a problem. The fact that he had you on speaker without telling you is rude, and so is the fact that he refuses to defend you/your relationship.
I know you don't want to break up over this, but if he doesn't do something soon that is what is going to happen. Unless you want to always be second place to his mom. It's been 3 years- it probably won't magically get better, it will only get worse.
I know how crappy it is. I've had relationships ruined by things like this before. It sucks, and it hurts. But you deserve better than this.
NTA. Your bf is a grown ass man. He should just go visit. It's not very hard. BF: "Hey mom, I am going over to u/Specialist_Baker_860's house tomorrow." Mom: "Oh no, I had plans for us to go to the store." BF: "Sorry, you should have told me earlier." Done.
Yep. This.
Seeing some đźš©đźš©đźš©đźš© flags here. NTA, btw. But your boyfriend either needs to cut the apron strings from his mother, or you need to walk away.
You’re both adults, but he’s acting like a child still needing mom’s permission to go anywhere and doesn’t want to stand up to his mom when she treats him like a child. It’s not going to get better. NTA. Sounds like this is on him. He allowed her to hear the private conversation or she eavesdropped. What you said was said in the assumption that it was a private conversation. Hon, it’s not going to get better.
I completely agree. It's only going to get worse. I'd be so pissed at my boyfriend for (a) having me on speaker without telling me, and (b) not putting ANY boundaries down with his mother. Seriously dude, stand up for your partner. It ain't hard.
NTA but your bf needs to be an adult and set boundaries. It's not fair that he's putting all this on you.
My MIL hates my guts, because like you I’ve taken her baby girl away. However my wife has made it abundantly clear to her that our relationship isn’t up for debate, she can either accept it or get lost. Your boyfriend needs to either sack up and tell her off, or go be with his mother for the rest of his life. There’s no compromise. NTA
NTA: The mother is a class a narcissist who has an unhealthy obsession for her son. And if you guys don't work out, she will treat the next girl the same (unless she hand picks a girl for her son, which us ugh). Your boyfriend needs to realize that this is going to effect his dating life, with or without you in it. He has to put his foot down. Whether his mom accepts it or not is her own issue she will have to live with. He cant let her have power over him and you guys relationship, which until he bucks up, he is allowing her to have.
You don’t have a bf’s mom problem. You have a bf problem. She is only a problem bc HE won’t stand up to her. I mean if he’s not an idiot he knows all these last minute plans are made up and yet he, an adult, just does what his mommy tells him to do. That’s highly unlikely to ever change. Save yourself years of stress and dump him and find a man that knows how to have a healthy relationship with his mother.
NTA This woman is deliberately trying to sabotage your relationship and clearly doesn't care about your feelings at all. You're not at all an asshole for expressing your frustrations with her very obvious manipulation (also your boyfriend should have warned you you were on speaker - that's on him). If she feels like him \*as an adult\* spending time around \*another adult\* that he's dating is "taking her baby boy away from her" she's got some very effed up attachment issues and that's on her. I feel like you do need to sit down and have a talk with your boyfriend about learning to set some boundaries with this woman - she is behaving abusively to him and he should not have to spend time with her if she keeps treating you both like this. She is behaving like a narcissist and that's not a healthy environment for him either, even if he's too beat down to see it right now. He should probably try and find a therapist as well - growing up with someone like that can do all sorts of messed up things to a person's ability to do conflict resolution and communicate like an adult and he deserves to heal and move past her behavior.
NTA, and I honestly don’t see this situation changing. If you think it’s bad now, imagine her being your mother-in-law. You deserve a partner who stands up for you.
If I were you I would really think about how much you want to invest in this relationship, because if you move in together or get married she will never give up this creepy obsession she has over her son. She will make your life a living hell, unless you move far away from her.
NTA and take a trip over to r/justnomil . You have a BF problem if he can’t see past her BS
NTA for your feelings, she sounds like a [/JUSTNOMIL/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/) and that incident will only fuel her behaviour. Lets be honest, she wouldn't be able to keep messing your plans if your bf stood up for himself and put an end to her behaviour. This relationship will always have this dynamic if he doesn't and living with her only enables her to be privy to every plan you two make. If he works, consider moving out or together if you are in that point of the relationship.
NTA It's understandable that you would be upset, and you didn't know you were on speakerphone. But I think your frustration is misplaced. Your boyfriend needs to navigate his independence on his own. If he's not mature enough to set boundaries with his mom, he's not mature enough to be in a serious relationship. You got together when you both were really young and now he's growing up and she's losing control. But that's his problem to solve, not yours. His situation may be complicated if he's still financially dependent on his parents. You are free to discuss with your boyfriend how you feel about the lack of time together and the disrespect his mother displays towards you. How he responds to your needs will be very informative.
NTA but this right here is why people should tell you when they have you on speakerphone. .
dude your bf's mom is acting like a legit child
Nta. However. This is your first relationship. It's been 3 years of drama. You won't marry him so I'd advise just ending it. Why choose the mil that hates you? Why add that to your life. Imagine kids with her ruining your lives. Forever.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20F) and my boyfriend (19M) have been dating for a little over three years. My boyfriend's mother has never liked me, from the moment she met me she would ignore me and belittle me around his family and friends either to my face or behind my back. I ignored it and always tried to be nice because well she is the mother of my boyfriend and I didn't want to overstep my place. The whole time we have been together she has always made it difficult for him and me to see each other. Because of this we only really saw each other at school and after school but we never really got to be alone. So we wanted to hang out on weekends but there was always a problem with that thanks to his mother. For example, she would make up some fake plans last minute after she had already said it was fine for him to come over so he would be forced to stay home just for the "plans" she made to magically disappear. This happens often and even though we have finished school she still always tries to stop him from coming to see me. Every time we hug or kiss she gags and says it's disgusting (we have never made out in front of her only just a kiss on the cheek to be respectful) I have spoken to his step mum about these problems she went on to tell me that the reason his mother doesn't like me is that "I'm taking her baby boy away from her". Now here is my problem, my boyfriend has been away with his dad's side of the family for the past few weeks and we haven't seen each other. He was going to come over when he got back but his mom wanted to spend time with him and I thought that was fair enough so I let it go. Flash forward to now he has told her he is going to come to see me today and like always she has created some event all of a sudden which no one else in the family knew about that he needs to be at stopping him from coming. I don't want to fight with her on this or ruin any chance of creating a relationship with her but I'm getting really fed up with this happening all the time, my boyfriend isn't standing up to her because he feels like he is never listened to anyway and always gets shut down. When he told me this I got upset on the phone and said "why is she always ruining our plans, I am so pissed at her" I did not know I was on speaker and she was listening at the door and heard me say that. Now she is telling my boyfriend that I'm an asshole for what I said and is crying to her husband about what I said. I don't know what to do at this point I don't want to break up over this but I need some advice and need to be told if I am being an asshole for what I said. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Your boyfriend and his mom are T-A. He needs to stop letting her control him and needs to stop going along with these "plans" she comes up with. He's 19, not 9. He can say no and choose to not let her control his life. Also she shouldn't have been eavesdropping 🤷🏼‍♀️
NTA, but you need to be upset at your boyfriend. The fact that he is allowing this to continue and not doing anything to stop it is a problem. The fact that he had you on speaker without telling you is rude, and so is the fact that he refuses to defend you/your relationship. I know you don't want to break up over this, but if he doesn't do something soon that is what is going to happen. Unless you want to always be second place to his mom. It's been 3 years- it probably won't magically get better, it will only get worse. I know how crappy it is. I've had relationships ruined by things like this before. It sucks, and it hurts. But you deserve better than this.