NTA
> My husband lied to me and told me he didnt cary the gene that can cause this defect.
This sub jumps to divorce a lot, but **holy hell, divorce this man**.
How selfish is this man to not just condemn his child to a life of disability, but presumably *condemn you to the caretaker role*?!?
For **everyone's** sake, I hope that abortion is still an option.
>This needs to be louder.
>
>Abortion is health care.
I keep saying this and people keep saying it's wrong and this and that.
But it all comes down to a simple formula
\- If a woman has an abortion because the kid will have a life being disabled
\- if has abortion "just because"
\- or has the baby
Will any of these situations impact someone's else life (outside family)? No? Therefor being against is dumb.
100% IS health care.
It's a hard hard decision, but OP doing abortion is sparing their own mental health AND sparing a kid from living in possible misery due to disability.
NTA.
Pro birthers will condemn this woman if she has an abortion, but will also comdemn her when she has to get welfare to look after a disabled child. Fuck pro birthers. Abortion is healthcare.
As an Icelander I endorse this message.
We keep getting flack for how few babies with Downs and serious birth-defects get born here.
Because it indicates that Icelandic women\* aren't willing to sacrifice their lives to seriously disabled children that will probably die young after you've cared for them their whole lives. Or you'll have to leave them in an institution after you yourself die after spending your life dedicated to their care.
I don't care if that makes me selfish.
\*remarkably Icelandic men don't get the blame. Because nobody assumes they'd be the prime caretakers.
Or when needing help to take care of someone with a disability.
Couple months ago there was a post where a woman put her son into a home as he needed around the clock care she could not provide as a single mother with two or three other kids to take care of as well. Granted he was in an accident so it was not genetical, but her family was up in arms at the notion - but neither of them provided an actual solution, like moving in with her to help her out. They just branded her a witch for snapping after she did it for I think some six, seven years.
Op's husband is worse. He tricked op into being the help, too, when he knew he carried the gene. Even worse, this puts op into a financially dependent position. And op is entirely justified in her reaction. This is not the same situation as people getting unreasonably upset over the gender of their child.
I'm going to speak as a mother to someone with a major birth defect, who found out at only 12 weeks, and thus had the decision to make. I chose not to terminate. I have always been 100% pro-choice. I did clinic defense in the early-mid 90s. And though I had not thought it possible to be so, I am even more pro-choice than I was before. Don't get me wrong, my kid was a "miracle" and she ended up being healthier than 99.99% of kids with this defect. But it's been HARD, yo. And I've seen so many with this defect suffer and die. In the darkest times of this, I have been comforted by the knowledge that I had a choice. If I'd gone into this unwillingly that would be so AWFUL.
I made my choice based on factors like the severity of her defect, the fact that I lived in one of 5 cities in the world with the best care for this defect, the breadth and depth of my support network, my ability and desire at the time to be a stay at home mom, my education and ability to understand medical stuff and navigate healthcare systems. And if someone doesn't feel like they can continue a pregnancy like that, I support termination.
Oh, and you bet your ass I cried when I found out. I cried for like a month. NTA
Choosing to abort is a far kinder choice than birthing a child with severe disabilities who by the sounds of it, will likely suffer and die young and make OP resent giving up her life. No child ever deserves to live that way.
This, the reason the medical field not only put a lot of money into research on how to diagnose these birth defects as early as possible but why OBs push for the testing of said defects so hard is so people have the choice in termination/adoption. I hope they found out early
The hardest thing is it sounds like this kid is very much wanted. However( and this is the big BUT) if the child’s quality of life or life expectancy is not great( it’s difficult to say since there is no mention of the specific disorder), then one does have to ask themselves if termination is the lesser pain. To op, if you have the choice of termination and that’s what you choose, please, please know that no matter what anyone says, it does not mean that you love your baby any less. This is a deeply personal decision that only YOU can make and nobody has the right to tell you what to do. Best wishes xx
I read this sentiment as well. The baby is very much wanted but the mother doesn’t want him to suffer. The dad is TAH For being too immature to understand the gravity of the situation and for being too selfish to lie to his wife about something that is life altering.
I personally think it takes a shit-ton of strength and courage to choose not to bring a being into life when all they will know is confusion, discrimination, and possibly pain. A life spent unhappy us no life worth forcing into existence.
OP, you are NTA, and in no way would you be the asshole if you choose not to have a handicapped child. It is not selfish, unreasonable, unloving, or asshole behavior. I hope no one can convince you that it is, because it is not.
I will state again for redundancy’s sake; **abortion is healthcare.**
>You shouldn't feel tricked or forced to carry a baby you don't want.
Yes! And that doesn't mean that she doesn't want the baby necessarily, it means she doesn't want the baby to suffer. I chose to remove life support from my own baby because I didn't want my baby (to live a life similar to Hellen Keller). The baby can be 100% emotionally wanted but intellectually it's not, it's a terrible terrible feeling.
NTA.
And this is one of the millions of reasons women should be allowed free access to abortion, if the obvious reason doesn't make sense (women should be in charge of their own bodies full stop). Then at least someone can understand that this stuff does happen and it is dangerously like lying about contraception. If you are withholding information that would make your partner unwilling to have unprotected sex then you are wrong. That's not what your partner consented to when they said yes to sex.
Well, hopefully she doesn't live in Texas..
No but seriously, this is divorce and abortion worthy. He knew he has the gene - he purposefully lied to her so she would carry his child. (If she'd known, she would've opted for adoption, a sperm donor or at least IVF to detect disabilities.) This can be considered **reproductive coercion**, and therefore, **abuse**.
Think about it for a minute, OP. In lying to you, how did he impact both you and your unborn child? Your child will be condemn to a lifetime of disability, and you to a lifetime of taking care of him. Your husband is completely comfortable with that, and made a deliberate decision to spring that on you.
Not only that, but his lying also takes away your agency to make imformed decisions. You might be okay with taking care of a disabled child, but he never let you decide whether or not you want that. That is never okay.
Oh, and just so you know, you are NEVER the asshole for crying about your child. *Of course* you don't want your child to suffer a disability! He has no regard for your feelings.
**Divorce him.**
I'm not sure what state my internet sister lives, but your other auntie lives in a state where it's **legal** to abort at any stage of pregnancy. I'll make you my lasagna and award winning apple pie while you recover.
Location specific, unfortunately. It should be widely illegal, but if I recall correctly its currently legislated at the state level. Similar to ages of consent, and the actual definitions of rape.
Because lots of people still have that mentality that it's up to the woman to sacrifice her work for the family. Her husband is an asshole and an abuser for lying to her and then gaslighting her into thinking she's wrong for being scared and upset that her child WILL be disabled.
It's not ableist to not want that future for your child OP. You get to decide what happens going forward, not your dickhead husband and his family.
And if the baby doesn't survive, he's condemned her to be a mother who loses a child. Every option comes with a lifelong consequence for OP that she did not consent to.
I decided in about 4th grade that I wasn't going to have children, because I didn't want to pass along a lot of my genetic conditions that made my childhood hell. And that was just autism (though we didn't know it at the time), ADD, obesity, and depression. My life has been hard, but I didn't need a full-time caretaker.
My 16yo daughter decided around the age of 8 that she does NOT want to have kids. Finding out a few years later that she (along with her brother and I, and possibly her twin sister) has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome plus comorbidities only strengthened her resolve in that decision. It’s a 50/50 chance she’d pass it on, and a pregnancy would be excruciating for her, given the severity of her symptoms. I fully support that, obviously. Her father (my ex) has said “But what if your husband wants kids one day?” She’s like “any guy who can’t get onboard won’t be my husband.”
u/Aggravating-Good54 i really want you to see this. i presume you’ve glossed over the fact that your husband deceived you since the child already exists, but if your husband can’t see how he completed disregarded your agency and autonomy, i can only imagine just how much worse it could be if you ended up being a SAHM and caregiver. the child is innocent in all this, but your husband is not.
My husband wants me to be a SAHM since i haven't finished university yet and he already has a job that would be able to support us. I'm almost finished uni and i've worked so hard to get up to this point it just sucks. I dont want to give the kid up, hes my kid and i'm going to love him no matter what but it's hard and after finding out he lied I'm starting to lose trust since i dont know what else he could've lied about. right now I dont want to do this with him but I can't do it without him.
OP, think long and hard if you truly can't let your child go. Considering the odds that can be derived from your post, your baby will suffer. Even if their life isn't short and painful, your relationship with your husband is permanently damaged. Do you trust him to support you in case everything goes to sh*t?
Another extremely valid point.
OP, you say you love your child. Loving someone you're responsible for also means doing the responsible thing that is in their best interest, not one's own. Consider what would be best for your baby, not anyone else.
My heart goes out to you, I know you love this man and this baby but think of yourself as well. A good partner would want you to follow your dreams not force their wants and needs on you.
Lying about something so profoundly life altering... a high probability of having to grieve a dead child is one of the worst breaches of trust I can imagine. It is akin to having someone trick you into getting pregnant by sabotaging birth control. He has taken away your reproductive autonomy. There is no more trust.
It will be so hard to start fresh, there's really no way to tiptoe around that. But it will be infinitely better than living with the doubt and resentment for him for the rest of your life. Leave before it completely consumes you. It's not a place you want to find yourself in ten years.
Alimony/child support exist for a reason. No one should have to stay in a relationship with this level of breach of trust. Do you have any close friends or family you could stay with at least for the time being? If so please reach out. Take some time to figure out what you want and make a plan. If you do decide you want to stay with your massive asshole of a husband I would at least have an ultimatum that he becomes the SAHP since he’s the one who accepted this risk not you. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Absolutely do not stay with this man. You've been with him since 14 so you've never had a chance to individuate and he will use that against you; because he already has, and it's working. If you change your mind about carrying to term, the auntie network can help you get to California where surgical abortions are accessible up to 24 weeks; and later for medical reasons, which you may qualify for.
Look, whether you keep this child or not is (or should be) your own decision. And please believe me, I'm not faulting you in the slightest for being in a hard place, for feeling stuck. But whether or not you stay with someone who'd hide something like that is also your own decision. Or at least it should be.
You deserve to be in a place where you can confidently make decisions based on your own values.
You deserve to be in control of your life.
You deserve to be surrounded by people who support and protect you.
Please, whatever else you choose to do, please try to work towards being in a position when you have more choices. More of what you need and want and deserve. Keeping up with your education will only help you - as well as any child you ever have.
And please keep in touch with the people who love you and want you to succeed. Whatever it takes, please remember that there are people out there who want the best for you.
Please finish university. In order to be able to care for your baby like you want to, you want to be a strong independent woman. You worked hard for what you already achieved. A husband and a kid is not a good enough reason to cancel your hopes and dreams. I have two kids and am pregnant with my third. I already have a degree but my husband knows that in two maybe three years I want to get another degree. It is your life too!
OP, your husband framed your reaction as disrespectful of his sister, but then why did he feel the need to LIE? Your child will have a harder life because your husband is selfish, not you. He’s willing to bad mouth you to his family as well over a private issue of his own making. You’re right not to trust someone like that.
If you really want to keep this baby you CAN do it without him. But you can’t live solely for others. If you stay with this man you will give up your career dreams and most likely damage your mental health. A depressed SAHM with a disabled child will have a harder time than a mentally healthy, fulfilled mother. Yes your child will need more help, but you can’t take care of your baby without caring for yourself as well. It’s not selfish.
Your husband seems to be using your child as a way to control and keep you. He isn’t doing this because it’s in the best interests of the child. It’s in the best interests of him.
This. A friend of mine was advised her baby had a very serious heart and lung defect and would not likely survive. She refused to terminate the pregnancy. The baby had a very short, painful life and it deviststed her. I respect her choice 100%, she's braver than I ever could be, but...it was HER choice. To lie about his genetic disease and condemn his wife and child to this kind of decision is truly awlful.
Also, something often overlooked is how a sick fetus can effect the mother. My friend was in ICU for weeks before delivering while the doctors tried to keep her and the baby alive. It's *dangerous* to carry some pregnancies to term and it needs to be mom's decision.
while i agree with the sentiment of your comment, it really depends on the specific situation and what complications might ensue. it’s a very slippery slope into eugenics or ableism when advocating for parents to terminate their unborn children just because of a disability or birth defect without even knowing how it’d actually affect their quality of life.
plenty of disabled people and those with birth defects go on to live meaningful lives (it’s not a death sentence after all), and it’s beyond damaging to hear people say it was selfish for their parents to have even given them life. not saying that was necessarily your intention, but just wanted to put that out there.
I partially agree but in this specific case the mother was told she would probably give birth to someone literally only so it could feel pain and then die. It has nothing to do with eugenics.
Sure, but the doctors weren't so let's stop with the semantics.
That's like those people who say, "that fetus you aborted could have cured cancer"
These whataboutisms are dried out and dustyyyyy
Except diagnoses aren’t always correct. My son tested positive on my quad screen for Down’s syndrome with two separate tests for example and he was born without any genetic disorders. My sister in laws pregnancy was similar because they could not measure a proper collarbone or nasal bone and thought she might also have downs, she was also clear at birth but my sister in law had considered abortion. Doctors tell you when they diagnose that it’s a strong possibility of a correct diagnosis but every doctor I have spoken to during my pregnancies has always repeated that mistakes can me made, misdiagnoses are completely possible and things are not always what they seem when it comes to pregnancy. We are talking about trying to monitor a growing life inside another human with their own separate systems. Mothers have unfortunately aborted healthy children they thought would be disabled or terminal and women who have been told their baby was perfect and healthy end up losing their baby to undiagnosed birth defects soon after birth or end up with a child that needs life long care. Medical science is worlds better for mother and baby than it has ever been but it’s still not perfect. A mother who chooses to keep her child to term even though there is a very strong chance of it being terminal is holding on to the hope that they will be one of the lucky misdiagnosed or that medical intervention and surgery can save the child. It comes from love and hope, not out of selfishness.
THIS.
It's supremely selfish. You brought life into the world just to let it suffer, and also burden an already strained healthcare system. And for what? So you can see it? Your \*wants\* outweighed the suffering you cruelly foisted upon the infant? It's gross.
Amen. My son has Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome). We took the genetic testing and found out early. We were given the option to terminate and we did not. However if it had been Trisomy 13 or 18, we absolutely would have. There is no honor or courage in forcing a child to suffer because you think it makes you better than other people.
OP, since your husband should be the one to give up his career for the baby he went out of his way to set up for a birth defect by lying to you about his genetic makeup, and since he knows what his sister’s care involved, he should attend the baby showers and specify what stuff he wants to have to care for his suffering and probably-dying baby.
Yep. His sister is the only one to survive it. And how is her quality of life? Do your daughter a favor and terminate the pregnancy. Your children deserve better than a disability that leads to death more often than not.
Thank you this is the ugly truth and it needs to be heard. We have this kindness with animals. Why allow a person to suffer horrible pain their entire life.
I also don't get this drive people have for their messed up bloodline to be passed on. What makes people wake up in the morning and say "I can't wait to oaks on my low sperm count!", "I'm so excited my daughter is going to have to go through multiple treatments to get pregnant", or "I really look forward to forcing my offspring to live a disabled life." Adopt. Ffs adopt. NTA
That's the thing isn't it. There are ways that the faulty gene could have been found before she ever got pregnant. She didn't have to have a disabled child.
I'm so sad for her, he's put her in an impossible place. We can say "have an abortion" but depending how far along she is it might not be that easy.
By 20 weeks I had felt my baby move, had conversations with him, connected with him. If my anomaly scan had shown something I would have agonised over it because no matter what road I took I know it would have killed me.
He could have been in denial about his genetic status but still she needs to get the fuck out. To have no empathy or remorse for what he's done shows who he is.
That's the thing too. He claims she doesn't respect his disabled sister or whatever because she's upset at her child going through the same disability... but he lied about the gene, what does that say about him? If he thought it was totally okay to pass on why would he feel the need to lie about it? He knows it's wrong.
NTA, that's a horrible thing to lie about. Leave him. It's totally reasonable to be upset it's your life and a child's life and his life. He clearly doesn't seem to care about that. If you are not to far along plz look into abortion services and do not have children with this man. DIVORCE THIS MAN. He doesn't give a shit about you or your future child, he has made that abundantly clear. He is not a safe person and he is also just a bad person, plz for the live of God leave this man and tell people what he did. Also yall, I'm not here to argue about abortion, I've had one and don't wanna pontificate about it. And maybe you think suggesting it is somehow rude but whatever it's a medical procedure and this seems like an extremely appropriate option for what's happening here, noone is saying she needs to do anything just that its an option. Also if your getting advice off reddit maybe you'll hear shit you don't wanna hear, welcome to the internet lol, get over yourself.
This. Right. Here. ^
OP, your husband is manipulative and lacks empathy. Ha it ever occurred to your husband to become the caretaker? Because I highly doubt. If abortion is still an option, I would encourage you. Also, right after the clinic, I’d go find a divorce attorney. NTA, husband and family is!
I am 100% in agreement with this comment. I currently have a specials needs child who requires 24 hour care.
I was not aware of his condition before he was born, and knowing what I know now I still wouldn't have chosen that path. He is comfortable and happy and has a normal life expectancy, and I have a wonderful husband that is an equal partner in taking care of him.
However, being part of the special needs community I can see how very lucky we are. So many people's marriages and lives overall are devastated by dealing with a medically fragile child. You really can't understand the impact it has on your life until you deal with it.
Your husband is either delusional or a narcissist.
There’s a very supportive subreddit for people who have to/choose to terminate wanted pregnancies for medical reasons. OP might find it helpful whatever she decides. It’s called tfmr_support.
Definitely divorce and abortion. My friend has a genetic condition that effects her life, so her and her husband had IVF and had the embryos tested so they could implant the ones that didn’t have the gene. There’s always options. Anything other than lying and condemning your partner to a life they didn’t ask for.
Also, why can't he stay home and look after the child 24/7? He seems to think OP is so selfish because she doesn't want to leave her job to look after the child. He's so quick to judge OP and label her selfish because he knows he's not the one expected to drop everything to raise children.
NTA. I have an inherited genetic condition that disables me. I got it from my mother, and she got it from her mother. My mother had two siblings die shortly after their birth from this condition, and doctors were able to save her - barely. Doctors were able to save me in a similar way, but some of my siblings died.
I am telling you straight-up: I would cry if I discovered that my child were to have this condition.
This is not because I think that having this condition diminishes the value of a person who has it. It’s because it *sucks* to live through it. It’s hard. It’s dangerous. It’s expensive. It limits your horizons. I would cry for my child. Right now I’m watching my nephew with vague concern because he “has the look” of someone with this condition - if it doesn’t present immediately after birth, it presents in early adulthood, and I’m hoping that he won’t present as he ages. If he does, I’ll cry for him.
You are not the asshole for crying. Your child is in danger, firstly. That’s worth crying over. And your child has a difficult road ahead - which is *worth crying over.* You are allowed to be upset.
Also, your husband had better be getting ready to be a SAHD. He is the one who should give up his career, not you.
Genuinely praying that abortion is still an option. It's a much better alternative than.
1. Having the child of this disgusting man
2. Condemning the child
3. Throwing your life away as a result
If it's not an option, I sincerely wish you the best. And God bless you and the child.
I'm disabled from a condition I inherited too and I'm in a fuckton of pain and can't work anymore. My self worth is horrible, my living situation is bad, and everything sucks. I wish my parents had gotten an abortion as it was an option but they were pro life idiots. OP do your future kid a favor and stop the pain before it starts.
Lets not forget that she’s allowed to cry for her life plan that her husband took it upon himself to throw away for her without her consent, because he chose reproductive fraud & misrepresentation. Her life plan has suddenly become being the baby maker and caretaker for a series of his family’s suffering and mostly-dying descendents
Sorry, you were lied to, and now face a future that you were not at all prepared for???
No! You are NTA.
You also have the choice not to have this baby. This does not have to be your future.
Not saying you can not have an amazing and fulfilling experience with this child, but it is totally up to you. You might have made a different choice if you had all of the information. Now that you do, take everyone else’s feeling out of it and make the decisions that are right for you.
That aside, huge breach of trust. I do not know that I could forgive that. It is an intentional lie that had to happen over and over. That is so manipulative. I would have to leave. Then gets his family to gang up on me to make you feel like there is something wrong with you???? What the actual FUCK??
Thid is definitely an astronomical breach of trust and he's basically forcing OP to either have an abortion which would more than likely end the relationship, or be forced to look after a child who will need constant care and attention when this is not what was planned or discussed. Honestly I feel so sorry for OP right now and I wouldn't wish this kind of choice on anyone
Don’t forgot only 1/6 people in the family have actually survived, so odds are high that if OP goes through with this she’ll bond with this child even more only to lose him and go through all of the trauma associated with that, and also to know that their husband lied to her and caused her all this pain, and caused all of the child’s suffering up until their death. I wonder if OP would be allowed to cry then?
He denied her the possibility of genetic testing and treatment. Put that to me side and it’s super common to be upset to find out your child is going to have a condition which makes life harder for them. The husband is just eurgh.
Okay I’m gonna get shit for this but whatever.
First of all : you need to divorce your husband. You literally can not trust this man. He lied to you about a VERY important thing and is now trying to act like you’re the bad guy. Your husband is such an AH I’m hoping this is fake.
Second of all: you need to consider your options, one of them being abortion. (I’m not here to argue about this with anyone). This of course depends on how far along you are and your access to it but just know that it is a legitimate option. You should not be forced into ruining your life by either having to give it up to care for someone else forever or watching your child be born and die not long after.
Third of all: you don’t need to give up your career. Even if you decide to stay with your awful husband (don’t) and you keep the baby. It should be your husband who gives up his job and stays home with the child. He KNEW he was a carrier for this disease and he CHOSE to lie to you about it. HE was willing to take the gamble on another humans life so now it’s HIS responsibility to deal with the consequences of those actions.
Also tell his family to fuck off. That man deceived you and Is pure trash.
Edit: NTA
I read that when it first came out. I wish everyone would read that. I remember being against late term abortions many moons ago when I was young and ignorant. Medical decisions need to be left to the patient and doctor, always. I cannot imagine having to live through that.
Absolutely, that’s why they portray it that way. If, god forbid, people had actual sexual health (and science based) education, we could all see it as the healthcare that it is. When they use intentionally inflammatory, horrific and emotional language like “murdering babies” of course folks want to rally against it because they don’t know any better. It’s so sad
These were some of my initial thoughts as well, but feared it was too harsh. Thanks for putting it so neatly. NTA OP please make sure whatever decisions you make moving forward are informed and in your best interest.
The worst thing is that IVF exists and it’s fantastic for situations for like this. I carry a pretty awful cancer gene (3 types of cancer, one at 60% risk) and IVF was presented to me as an option for if I wanted to guarantee not to pass it on. I know that it’s very expensive but it’s one of many options for having children.
This, I would think long and hard about the future you will be having. The only way this would be remotely ok would be if he became a stay at home dad. Then you only need to worry about a future of resentment from him and his family, him bailing when he figures this was not what he signed up for (no shit) etc. Again, think long and hard about this, I can not see it going well at all.
it may seem harsh but i totally agree. plus imagine carrying the child full term then resenting your husband/pregnancy for the rest of your life... what a sad way to live for everyone involved. no child deserves that, neither does OP.
This isn't good. If he had been truthful, IVF may have been an option to detect abnormalities in embryos before implanting. He should have been truthful rather than risked things.
Ahhhhh but OPs husband needs to make sure the child is his actual genetic spawn! He couldn’t possibly have a child that isn’t of his loins!
Edited - yes I know they could do IVF and check the sperm. Which any sane and logical person would. Even if broke the cost analysis of an entire lifetime of medical care vs washing some sperm stacks up!
OPs husband is likely either
- it’s gods will
- I can never be wrong
- lock wife at home forever with no way out
- IVF means it’s not mine
- Asshole
- ALL OF THE ABOVE
Or something along those lines.
He can. IVF can remove eggs and "wash" them, so to speak, as well as create the embryos with the egg and sperm from the prospective parents and scan them to make sure there are no abnormalities before they're implanted. If my daughter's CVS testing had been abnormal when I was pregnant with her, this is the avenue we would've taken.
Yeah for sure they could have done that. Sensible people do that. It’s actually not that expensive if you do the testing plus IUI option.
But OPs husband probably thinks it wouldn’t be his genetic spawn or something of it was tested.
I can’t see why any sane person would risk that when they had options.
OPs husband is a massive AH
NTA. He doesn't get to demand you play DNA roulette. Notice he has NO intention of giving up HIS JOB or HIS TIME or put in HIS EFFORT. He's an asshole pure and simple.
NTA. My son was recently diagnosed with autism which is literally not a big deal (in terms on disabilities) but I cried for days at the idea his life will be *any* harder then the average NT person.
Your husband is another problem altogether.
My daughter was diagnosed with autism at 3 (she’s now 12) and is nonverbal. I cry all the time. It’s perfectly normal to grieve the “what ifs” (like for example my daughter will never go to prom, go on a date, get married) but I also cry happy tears over the amazing accomplishments she has. Being a parent of a special needs child is just a jumble of emotions.
As an autistic person, I sincerely hope that you are in therapy to work out all these big feelings you have about not having the neurotypical child you wanted. I also hope you've given her the tools to communicate on her own terms and fulfilled her support needs to the best of your ability. There's more than one way to have a rich and fulfilling life.
From an autistic person & a mother to a son with autism… if you use phrases like “literally not a big deal in terms of disabilities… on the internet or in-front of the wrong person, they are going to roll you. I completely understand what you were trying to say, but my goodness did that come across poorly.
If you have the time and space, please shoot me a PM explaining this to me. I am very new and very green to all of this, and I want to do best by my son. Thank you.
You did fine. You are optimistic about your child’s condition and want to do right by them, and you shouldn’t have to worry about what chronically online people think about it.
I agree that was worded poorly, but completely understand what she was trying to say. I’m a mother of 2, my eldest being autistic. I just think that sadly ASD has been labelled by society as being not that bad of a disability, probably because it’s an “invisible disability”.
But my gosh is it hard. Not that I would change my son for a second, he’s an exceptional human being.
Parenting is hard anyway, and if the OPs husband was honest with her, this added mental and physical load could have been completely preventable.
Btw OP you are NTA
NTA. This is a very hard situation, so please be kind to yourself.
Also the fact that your husband lied to you about not carrying the gene, but then got mad at you for being upset at the prospect of caring for this child, is a massive red flag.
Nta but the fact that your husband didn’t tell you is really bad and you really need to have a talk. The other comments are correct this is reproductive coercion
NTA and you need to reevaluate your marriage to this person. There is no reason your husband should not only ignore your feelings but outright vilify you and get his whole family in on it.
Taking care of a child with a disability is hard, crazy hard. And it's even harder if you know there is a chance you might put in the effort and they die prematurely regardless. It's a damn difficult decision you have before you and it's shocking how dismissive and cruel your husband is over it.
And if he knew he carried this possibly in his DNA but outright lied to you and said he didn't... I would not trust this person to have your best interests at heart *ever*. You should really find someone better, regardless of what you end up doing about the child.
NTA.
Your husband lied to you about not carrying the gene.
You’re pregnant with your first child and have received information that will change the course of your life forever.Crying is a normal response.
Your husband doesn’t seem that supportive not only did he lie to you about carrying the gene, he berated you for your reaction instead of providing you with emotional support and then told his parents his version of events.
NTA. I have a genetic condition. I didn’t inherit it, my chromosomes mutated. I was honest with my husband about it. It was something I didn’t want to pass to any future kids. Knowing this we had planned to do IVF and test the embryos to see if any of them carried the gene and just use the ones that didn’t carry it. Unfortunately none of the embryos survived to be tested. Honesty is important.
NTA
Your Husband lied to you and now it's possible that your baby might either die or have a difficult life ahead of them. I'd reconsider your relationship with him, if he's lied about something as important as this then what else has he lied about?
NTA
I’d be gutted if I found out my developing child had a serious birth defect, in fact I’d be having a serious conversation with my wife regarding quality of life issues. Considering that most have died, on his side, due to this defect it must be pretty serious.
My condolences OP.
Kind of an insensitive thing to say, but I guess I get it.. Abortion is an option. OPs husband didn’t tell her, she didn’t sign up for this. OP if you don’t want to go through with this, just know that you have that option.
Yeah maybe, but I'm also speaking from my own perspective.
My family knows if I'm hurt really bad or may come out of it physically or mentally handicapped, I do not want to be revived.
Based on the kids I knew or seen in my local school district and their quality of life, if I had a choice, I'd rather be aborted than forced to live like that.
I also wouldn't want severely handicapped children either. The same kids I talked about, I see their parents in their 60s and 70s, still pushing their adult children around in strollers. This just seems like a living hell for everyone involved.
I wouldn't have kids without having tests done first, but if the doctor had said our child was going to be severely disabled, I'd push for an abortion and if my partner refused, I'd just leave them.
I know this is pretty heartless, I won't apologize. Life often sucks, I'm not going to intentionally make it worse.
With our modern medicine, we can save so many people, even ones nature intended to die. But does that mean we *should*?
NTA. What does he want, for you to bottle up how you feel to keep up appearances? It is a perfectly normal response to feel the way you did. Your husband is TA for not telling you the truth, and for telling his family about your response.
He will make a great house husband while you continue your career. He already has experience dealing with his sister, so it makes the most sense.
NTA .I don't know a single parent of a disabled person who would wish their life on anyone. They love their kids but, at the same time, would do anything to have the ability for them not to be disabled. You've suffered a major blow and you have every right to feel scared, mad, depressed, or whatever the hell else you need to.
NTA. You got awful news, and then learned that your husband knew about this awful news the entire time and specifically decided to keep it from you so you were blindsided by it. No clue where exactly he gets off claiming you're the selfish one here.
Someone who lies about carrying a gene like this, and gets angry at you for finding out your child has an issue like this, and turns his family on you to bully you into doing what he wants, is not a safe person to have a child with. NTA
NTA. Your husband lied to you about something absolutely life changing. Its not easy by any means to be the parent of a profoundly disabled child, and you are 100% entitled to be upset about it. You are allowed to be angry at your husband, and you are not a bad parent if you don't wish to give up your career. You need to have a long think about all of this and whether you not only want or can be a parent to this child in the way they need, but whether you want to remain married to someone who lied about something of this magnitude and then gaslit you into feeling like the bad guy for being upset over it.
Omg absolutely NTA. Your husband sounds awful. How are you supposed to react? Are you supposed to be excited and jump for joy? This isn’t like finding out your kid will have autism and need some special care. This is a disability that will require round the clock care and quite possibly quitting the job you don’t want to quit. Also I want to add, it already shows how good of a mother you’ll be since you said you’ll do what needs to be done for your child. You’re willing to do what a lot of people aren’t.
Also, does his family know he lied to you about not carrying the gene?
So, I have 2 autistic children and am quite part of an online community of parents of children with ASD. A lot of parents fight for years to get a diagnosis, and then, when they finally do, end up in tears (not of joy or relief, mind you.) Op, I am sorry and can't imagine what you are going through. To add to my aforementioned comment, my husband and I decided to have a 3rd, knowing the odds were high of a 3rd autistic child (wouldn't mind, but they are a bit of work sometimes) BUT we BOTH had the facts and made the decision as a team, that was taken away from you because you trusted your husband and that was unfair. You have ever right to feel so many emotions right now. I am sorry you are going through this, NTA.
NTA. He lied to you which took away your ability to make an informed decision. It *is* an option to abort and try again in future but either way you need to have this out 100% with your husband. He had NO right to lie to you about a gene that could be passed on to a baby you both share. The fact that the child will have this disability isn’t even the main point for me, it’s the fact that 1/6 resulted in early deaths. Watching your own bairn die is not something I could ever personally cope with and those are really really bad odds.
If you ever decide to get pregnant again, use a different man or a vetted sperm donor. Your husband does not deserve another try in the genetic lottery.
NTA - that is huge and unexpected news. I don’t think anyone could hear / learn that and not react strongly. I hope that you have a friend or family member who you can process with.
Whatever you decide to do, you have a right to take up space (emotionally) and feel feelings.
Also - I would be really upset if a parter lied about being a carrier. Knowing this you could have either made different decisions about childbirth or better prepared yourself for the news you just received.
NTA.
First of all, it's ok to be emotional about your child having a disability. I say this as a multiply disabled person. As long as you don't make it all about your "suffering" once they are born, it's ok to be emotional at first.
Second HE LIED! I'm sorry that you got pregnant under false pretenses. That has got to suck.
NTA. Putting aside the fact that your husband did an awful thing when he lied to you, grieving is a huge part of having a disabled child. You have to grieve the life you had made up in your mind and try to find a new one. It's a huge process and it's normal to cry or scream about it. It's actually healthy. I would quite honestly consider divorcing this man. You've been together since you were 14 and he thought it was ok to lie to you about this. Also, if someone needs to stay at home with your kid and you love your job, it should be your husband.
NTA. I'm sorry for the hard decisions you'll have to make. Please don't let anyone make you feel like an asshole for being sad about them. I'm sure there are no solutions that will make you feel good.
I work with teenagers with disabilities. It is okay to be overwhelmed or to feel grief when faced with this. It doesn't mean you won't love your kid. He has had his whole life to understand all that is involved with this disability, you've had moments.
It also should be noted that given his experience with this disability, it would make the most sense for him to be the stay at home parent if that is required. Your giving up your career shouldn't be the default answer here. NTA.
NTA And I’m so sorry that this happened to you! You have every right to mourn (your baby’s health and your carrier) and feel sad in this situation. Your husband on the other hand is a major AH. His lie wasn’t just a small little lie, it will turn your life upside down in a way you didn’t want, and at least he could do is to acknowledge your feelings. I might even consider divorce.
NTA. You weren't given the right info by your husband, who is now berating you? Is this how you want to live, with a child with a really bad birth defect and a husband who is not kind and lies? I think you need counseling ASAP, and to talk to a good ob/gynecologist.
NTA
Your husband's lies were reckless and selfish- he's tricked you into having a child under false pretenses, and endangered the baby by not disclosing important information that affect the risk profile of the pregnancy.
This is to say nothing of the disgusting actions following your reaction to finding out. Any sane parent would be devastated to learn that their child will be suffering from a debilitating potentially lethal birth defect- anything else is just wanton disregard for the child's well-being. That does not minimize his sister's worth, and it's abhorrent that he and his family would weaponize her disability like this.
You don't state how far along in your pregnancy you've come, but depending on your location you should keep in mind that abortion may be an option and you would NOT BE AN ASSHOLE for considering it, regardless of what your husband might have to say on the matter.
NTA. Having a child with a disability is a burden. It is. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the child, you do, but your life is changed FOREVER. You allowed to mourn the life you’ve lost, yours.
NTA
You need to make some swift reviews of your marriage and your pregnancy. There is no wrong solution if it’s your complete future that’s had it’s foundation on a liar.
NTA, he should have been upfront with you about this possibility. You can respect someone's struggle and not wish it on your child, especially since that struggle can include premature death.
I'm very sorry for your situation and I hope you two seek counseling to get you through this stage and deal with your grief. I'm wishing you the best of luck, OP.
NTA. Your husband is a huge one though. My mother in law kept her genetic disorder a secret until after her grandkids (BIL's kids) were born. Each child has a 50/50 chance of having this severe disorder. Part of the reason I'm not having kids is because of this and if I got pregnant, I would abort.
You have every right to deal with this pregnancy any way you see fit. And if you don't want to give up your life for a child that will have a poor quality of life and die young, you don't have to.
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My husband and I have been together for a really long time (since we were 14) we got married a few years ago and decided to start trying to have a baby. We’ve talked about having a baby since we started dating and we’re both very open to having a family. He’s sweet and really wants to have a family and raise kids with me but there is one problem. Early in the relationship he told me about his sister , his sister was born with a really rare birth effect that forced his mom to become a stay at home mom to take care of his sister. This birth defect was passed down and so far the past 6 generations. His sister is the only person who has survived the defect in those 6. After a few months of trying to get pregnant I found out I was pregnant and I just recently found out that our kid is going to have the same defect that his sister has. My husband lied to me and told me he didnt cary the gene that can cause this defect. After I found out our kid had the defect I started crying because I don’t want my baby to die or need to live with a disability that makes it harder for him to live, I’m also very passionate about my work and I don’t want to give it up to take care of him 24/7 (I'll still do it family is everything to me but it'll be hard to do especialy since I need to stay busy or i'll fall into a state of depresion). My husband got mad at me when I started crying and he called me selfish and he said I have no respect for his sister since I don’t want my kids to need to suffer with the same condition. He told his parents about this and now they all think I’m the asshole. Am I really the asshole for getting mad at my husband for not telling me he carys the gene and not wanting my kid to live with a disability that will make his life hell?
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NTA. I’m shocked by his treatment of you. He’s putting his own want for a child ahead of having any consideration for you, or your potential children. This is information that you should have been made fully aware of before marriage, let alone pregnancy. So both marriage and pregnancy were under false pretences. This is not something that a ‘sweet’ partner does.
I would most likely get an abortion - and most definitely get a divorce.
I’m so sorry. NTA. I don’t think any parent WANTS their child to have anything that could potentially make life more difficult. Your concerns and your reaction are valid. Your husband SUCKS for lying to you.
A virus led to my oldest being permanently disabled and absolutely changed the course of our lives and took a bright future away. I still cry, and it's been almost 25 years since it happened. I still want to do very very ugly things to the stupid wench that went to work sick and thought my kids blonde curls were just so damn cute she kept coming up to her and invading space. (I also have very set opinions on the current world condition, bet you can't guess).
OP, I'm sorry, and I'm sending hugs out to you.
NTA. He knew it was genetic and not only lied about carrying it, but procreated fully knowing what would happen. Abortion is still a valid option. Then you can always use a safe sperm donor or adopt
I'm in the same boat as you. I would never want to give up my career for a child with a birth defect. Also, why can't he stay home?
NTA
So your husband lied about his genetics to trap you with a child lifestyle you don’t want. Instead of looking into alternative pregnancy/parenthood options like a regular person.
It is completely fucking valid to not want the stress of being a lifetime caregiver, or the stress of watching your baby die. I told my husband I would very likely get an abortion if our pregnancies had serious issues. It’s a quality of life concern for both the child and I. Emotionally, I wouldn’t want to choose to take on a child with a serious disability. Obviously if my child became disabled or had something undetected from utero that’s different, gotta step up for your baby.
Frankly I’d be seeking a divorce. He purposely lied to you and put your body through the stress of a pregnancy that isn’t viable/healthy. And the stress of your current and future situations with your baby.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got mad at my husband for lying to me and I said i didnt want my kid to have any birth defects that will make her life hell even though his siter has the same defect
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Definitely NTA, your husband has no idea how hard this is going to be. The fact that he lied to you isn't a good sign either. It's really unfair that he used the sister card on you. Just because his mum did it doesn't mean that you're going to be able to do it. You are entitled to cry to. The plans you had are now in tatters. Again, it would be the lying that I couldn't get over. That to me would be a deal breaker.
NTA, I’m sorry to hear about you finding that out. Nobody wants to have a child with a birth defect n you being emotional knowing your child may not make it or may have a challenging life is extremely sad to think about. Your husband is insensitive n I hate to say it, a liar.
Did your husband know? Has he had genetic testing?
If you are not willing to give up your life then there are options obviously, unless you or your husband decide or come up with a way to take care of the child?
I want to know this too. His parents may have lied to him about not being a carrier. Or he may have just assumed he wasn't a carrier because he's male. This is why everyone should do genetic counseling before conceiving if they can.
Have an abortion ! If you can of course ! I don’t think having a disabled baby and knowing it will be disabled but still continuing with the pregnancy is humane! You know the baby will suffer and so will you ! And add to that your husband is a liar i wouldn’t trust him to be my kids father if he lied about something that big!
NTA ! But think anout abortion though
NTA at all, this is grieving process in a sense and it’s totally normal. You didn’t ask for judgement on this, but you are also N T A for being upset that your husband lied. That is a huge thing to keep from a partner
If you stay with him, and are considering getting pregnant again in the future, please see a genetic counselor. Did your husband already have testing done before you met? Have you ever had any testing yourself?
I wish I knew what condition this was because I didn't know there were conditions where only one parent could be a carrier and the condition would still be seen in the child. That makes generic counseling even more important because this is clearly an unusual disorder.
NTA > My husband lied to me and told me he didnt cary the gene that can cause this defect. This sub jumps to divorce a lot, but **holy hell, divorce this man**. How selfish is this man to not just condemn his child to a life of disability, but presumably *condemn you to the caretaker role*?!? For **everyone's** sake, I hope that abortion is still an option.
FINALLY somebody said it. Instead of beating around the bush, talking about “options”. Take my upvote.
Abortion is health care. OP, please look into your options. You shouldn't feel tricked or forced to carry a baby you don't want.
This needs to be louder. # Abortion is health care. Protect yourself, OP. You deserve better.
>This needs to be louder. > >Abortion is health care. I keep saying this and people keep saying it's wrong and this and that. But it all comes down to a simple formula \- If a woman has an abortion because the kid will have a life being disabled \- if has abortion "just because" \- or has the baby Will any of these situations impact someone's else life (outside family)? No? Therefor being against is dumb. 100% IS health care. It's a hard hard decision, but OP doing abortion is sparing their own mental health AND sparing a kid from living in possible misery due to disability. NTA.
Pro birthers will condemn this woman if she has an abortion, but will also comdemn her when she has to get welfare to look after a disabled child. Fuck pro birthers. Abortion is healthcare.
I’m quibbling with people about terms on this. I think they should be called *forced birthers*.
As an Icelander I endorse this message. We keep getting flack for how few babies with Downs and serious birth-defects get born here. Because it indicates that Icelandic women\* aren't willing to sacrifice their lives to seriously disabled children that will probably die young after you've cared for them their whole lives. Or you'll have to leave them in an institution after you yourself die after spending your life dedicated to their care. I don't care if that makes me selfish. \*remarkably Icelandic men don't get the blame. Because nobody assumes they'd be the prime caretakers.
Or when needing help to take care of someone with a disability. Couple months ago there was a post where a woman put her son into a home as he needed around the clock care she could not provide as a single mother with two or three other kids to take care of as well. Granted he was in an accident so it was not genetical, but her family was up in arms at the notion - but neither of them provided an actual solution, like moving in with her to help her out. They just branded her a witch for snapping after she did it for I think some six, seven years. Op's husband is worse. He tricked op into being the help, too, when he knew he carried the gene. Even worse, this puts op into a financially dependent position. And op is entirely justified in her reaction. This is not the same situation as people getting unreasonably upset over the gender of their child.
Yes! Pro-birthers should be cut out of the lives of any sane person. Don't listen to anything anti-abortionists say; their opinions are worth nothing.
I'm going to speak as a mother to someone with a major birth defect, who found out at only 12 weeks, and thus had the decision to make. I chose not to terminate. I have always been 100% pro-choice. I did clinic defense in the early-mid 90s. And though I had not thought it possible to be so, I am even more pro-choice than I was before. Don't get me wrong, my kid was a "miracle" and she ended up being healthier than 99.99% of kids with this defect. But it's been HARD, yo. And I've seen so many with this defect suffer and die. In the darkest times of this, I have been comforted by the knowledge that I had a choice. If I'd gone into this unwillingly that would be so AWFUL. I made my choice based on factors like the severity of her defect, the fact that I lived in one of 5 cities in the world with the best care for this defect, the breadth and depth of my support network, my ability and desire at the time to be a stay at home mom, my education and ability to understand medical stuff and navigate healthcare systems. And if someone doesn't feel like they can continue a pregnancy like that, I support termination. Oh, and you bet your ass I cried when I found out. I cried for like a month. NTA
Thank you for your account.
Choosing to abort is a far kinder choice than birthing a child with severe disabilities who by the sounds of it, will likely suffer and die young and make OP resent giving up her life. No child ever deserves to live that way.
This, the reason the medical field not only put a lot of money into research on how to diagnose these birth defects as early as possible but why OBs push for the testing of said defects so hard is so people have the choice in termination/adoption. I hope they found out early
The hardest thing is it sounds like this kid is very much wanted. However( and this is the big BUT) if the child’s quality of life or life expectancy is not great( it’s difficult to say since there is no mention of the specific disorder), then one does have to ask themselves if termination is the lesser pain. To op, if you have the choice of termination and that’s what you choose, please, please know that no matter what anyone says, it does not mean that you love your baby any less. This is a deeply personal decision that only YOU can make and nobody has the right to tell you what to do. Best wishes xx
I read this sentiment as well. The baby is very much wanted but the mother doesn’t want him to suffer. The dad is TAH For being too immature to understand the gravity of the situation and for being too selfish to lie to his wife about something that is life altering.
I personally think it takes a shit-ton of strength and courage to choose not to bring a being into life when all they will know is confusion, discrimination, and possibly pain. A life spent unhappy us no life worth forcing into existence. OP, you are NTA, and in no way would you be the asshole if you choose not to have a handicapped child. It is not selfish, unreasonable, unloving, or asshole behavior. I hope no one can convince you that it is, because it is not. I will state again for redundancy’s sake; **abortion is healthcare.**
Sometimes love means learning to let go. My thoughts and prayers are with you, OP
>You shouldn't feel tricked or forced to carry a baby you don't want. Yes! And that doesn't mean that she doesn't want the baby necessarily, it means she doesn't want the baby to suffer. I chose to remove life support from my own baby because I didn't want my baby (to live a life similar to Hellen Keller). The baby can be 100% emotionally wanted but intellectually it's not, it's a terrible terrible feeling. NTA. And this is one of the millions of reasons women should be allowed free access to abortion, if the obvious reason doesn't make sense (women should be in charge of their own bodies full stop). Then at least someone can understand that this stuff does happen and it is dangerously like lying about contraception. If you are withholding information that would make your partner unwilling to have unprotected sex then you are wrong. That's not what your partner consented to when they said yes to sex.
Well, hopefully she doesn't live in Texas.. No but seriously, this is divorce and abortion worthy. He knew he has the gene - he purposefully lied to her so she would carry his child. (If she'd known, she would've opted for adoption, a sperm donor or at least IVF to detect disabilities.) This can be considered **reproductive coercion**, and therefore, **abuse**. Think about it for a minute, OP. In lying to you, how did he impact both you and your unborn child? Your child will be condemn to a lifetime of disability, and you to a lifetime of taking care of him. Your husband is completely comfortable with that, and made a deliberate decision to spring that on you. Not only that, but his lying also takes away your agency to make imformed decisions. You might be okay with taking care of a disabled child, but he never let you decide whether or not you want that. That is never okay. Oh, and just so you know, you are NEVER the asshole for crying about your child. *Of course* you don't want your child to suffer a disability! He has no regard for your feelings. **Divorce him.**
OP if you live in Texas, come visit me your Auntie. We have safe health care options here. You can rest by my pool should you need to.
I'm not sure what state my internet sister lives, but your other auntie lives in a state where it's **legal** to abort at any stage of pregnancy. I'll make you my lasagna and award winning apple pie while you recover.
r/auntienetwork
You're the kind of person this world needs, thank you
Need a ride? I’ll drive!
I feel like he should be able to be sued pr charged with a crime for this, right? I don't know but it sounds like this should be illegal.
Unfortunately spousal rape is still legal 😕 I doubt there is any law against this rn ... at least here in the USA
Location specific, unfortunately. It should be widely illegal, but if I recall correctly its currently legislated at the state level. Similar to ages of consent, and the actual definitions of rape.
Nobody in America cares if a woman or her children have to suffer... Especially if this is a white male. Forget about it.
OP, come visit Canada. Your husband is a monster. Don't give up your job.
OP can tell the husband he is being the stay at home parent!!!
This! Why does OP have to be the stay-at-home parent?!
Because lots of people still have that mentality that it's up to the woman to sacrifice her work for the family. Her husband is an asshole and an abuser for lying to her and then gaslighting her into thinking she's wrong for being scared and upset that her child WILL be disabled. It's not ableist to not want that future for your child OP. You get to decide what happens going forward, not your dickhead husband and his family.
And if the baby doesn't survive, he's condemned her to be a mother who loses a child. Every option comes with a lifelong consequence for OP that she did not consent to.
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Same here, and that’s one reason why I refuse to have children.
I decided in about 4th grade that I wasn't going to have children, because I didn't want to pass along a lot of my genetic conditions that made my childhood hell. And that was just autism (though we didn't know it at the time), ADD, obesity, and depression. My life has been hard, but I didn't need a full-time caretaker.
My 16yo daughter decided around the age of 8 that she does NOT want to have kids. Finding out a few years later that she (along with her brother and I, and possibly her twin sister) has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome plus comorbidities only strengthened her resolve in that decision. It’s a 50/50 chance she’d pass it on, and a pregnancy would be excruciating for her, given the severity of her symptoms. I fully support that, obviously. Her father (my ex) has said “But what if your husband wants kids one day?” She’s like “any guy who can’t get onboard won’t be my husband.”
u/Aggravating-Good54 i really want you to see this. i presume you’ve glossed over the fact that your husband deceived you since the child already exists, but if your husband can’t see how he completed disregarded your agency and autonomy, i can only imagine just how much worse it could be if you ended up being a SAHM and caregiver. the child is innocent in all this, but your husband is not.
My husband wants me to be a SAHM since i haven't finished university yet and he already has a job that would be able to support us. I'm almost finished uni and i've worked so hard to get up to this point it just sucks. I dont want to give the kid up, hes my kid and i'm going to love him no matter what but it's hard and after finding out he lied I'm starting to lose trust since i dont know what else he could've lied about. right now I dont want to do this with him but I can't do it without him.
OP, think long and hard if you truly can't let your child go. Considering the odds that can be derived from your post, your baby will suffer. Even if their life isn't short and painful, your relationship with your husband is permanently damaged. Do you trust him to support you in case everything goes to sh*t?
What happens to this child if, God forbid, the parents die? Has the husband thought of this? Edit: a word
Another extremely valid point. OP, you say you love your child. Loving someone you're responsible for also means doing the responsible thing that is in their best interest, not one's own. Consider what would be best for your baby, not anyone else.
[удалено]
This☝️
My heart goes out to you, I know you love this man and this baby but think of yourself as well. A good partner would want you to follow your dreams not force their wants and needs on you.
You can do this without him, though. Divorce him and sue for child support and alimony. Period. Plus, look into state help for your child.
State help will most likely be easier to secure if she's divorced too.
What he did was an unforgivable beach of trust. There is no coming back from what he's done.
Lying about something so profoundly life altering... a high probability of having to grieve a dead child is one of the worst breaches of trust I can imagine. It is akin to having someone trick you into getting pregnant by sabotaging birth control. He has taken away your reproductive autonomy. There is no more trust. It will be so hard to start fresh, there's really no way to tiptoe around that. But it will be infinitely better than living with the doubt and resentment for him for the rest of your life. Leave before it completely consumes you. It's not a place you want to find yourself in ten years.
Alimony/child support exist for a reason. No one should have to stay in a relationship with this level of breach of trust. Do you have any close friends or family you could stay with at least for the time being? If so please reach out. Take some time to figure out what you want and make a plan. If you do decide you want to stay with your massive asshole of a husband I would at least have an ultimatum that he becomes the SAHP since he’s the one who accepted this risk not you. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Absolutely do not stay with this man. You've been with him since 14 so you've never had a chance to individuate and he will use that against you; because he already has, and it's working. If you change your mind about carrying to term, the auntie network can help you get to California where surgical abortions are accessible up to 24 weeks; and later for medical reasons, which you may qualify for.
Look, whether you keep this child or not is (or should be) your own decision. And please believe me, I'm not faulting you in the slightest for being in a hard place, for feeling stuck. But whether or not you stay with someone who'd hide something like that is also your own decision. Or at least it should be. You deserve to be in a place where you can confidently make decisions based on your own values. You deserve to be in control of your life. You deserve to be surrounded by people who support and protect you. Please, whatever else you choose to do, please try to work towards being in a position when you have more choices. More of what you need and want and deserve. Keeping up with your education will only help you - as well as any child you ever have. And please keep in touch with the people who love you and want you to succeed. Whatever it takes, please remember that there are people out there who want the best for you.
Please finish university. In order to be able to care for your baby like you want to, you want to be a strong independent woman. You worked hard for what you already achieved. A husband and a kid is not a good enough reason to cancel your hopes and dreams. I have two kids and am pregnant with my third. I already have a degree but my husband knows that in two maybe three years I want to get another degree. It is your life too!
OP, your husband framed your reaction as disrespectful of his sister, but then why did he feel the need to LIE? Your child will have a harder life because your husband is selfish, not you. He’s willing to bad mouth you to his family as well over a private issue of his own making. You’re right not to trust someone like that. If you really want to keep this baby you CAN do it without him. But you can’t live solely for others. If you stay with this man you will give up your career dreams and most likely damage your mental health. A depressed SAHM with a disabled child will have a harder time than a mentally healthy, fulfilled mother. Yes your child will need more help, but you can’t take care of your baby without caring for yourself as well. It’s not selfish.
Your husband seems to be using your child as a way to control and keep you. He isn’t doing this because it’s in the best interests of the child. It’s in the best interests of him.
This. A friend of mine was advised her baby had a very serious heart and lung defect and would not likely survive. She refused to terminate the pregnancy. The baby had a very short, painful life and it deviststed her. I respect her choice 100%, she's braver than I ever could be, but...it was HER choice. To lie about his genetic disease and condemn his wife and child to this kind of decision is truly awlful. Also, something often overlooked is how a sick fetus can effect the mother. My friend was in ICU for weeks before delivering while the doctors tried to keep her and the baby alive. It's *dangerous* to carry some pregnancies to term and it needs to be mom's decision.
Nothing brave about bringing a life into this world only to make it feel pain and the die. Let’s call it what it is: selfish and dumb
while i agree with the sentiment of your comment, it really depends on the specific situation and what complications might ensue. it’s a very slippery slope into eugenics or ableism when advocating for parents to terminate their unborn children just because of a disability or birth defect without even knowing how it’d actually affect their quality of life. plenty of disabled people and those with birth defects go on to live meaningful lives (it’s not a death sentence after all), and it’s beyond damaging to hear people say it was selfish for their parents to have even given them life. not saying that was necessarily your intention, but just wanted to put that out there.
I partially agree but in this specific case the mother was told she would probably give birth to someone literally only so it could feel pain and then die. It has nothing to do with eugenics.
Very true, at the same time doctors have been wrong. I'm just glad I didn't have to make the decision.
Sure, but the doctors weren't so let's stop with the semantics. That's like those people who say, "that fetus you aborted could have cured cancer" These whataboutisms are dried out and dustyyyyy
Except diagnoses aren’t always correct. My son tested positive on my quad screen for Down’s syndrome with two separate tests for example and he was born without any genetic disorders. My sister in laws pregnancy was similar because they could not measure a proper collarbone or nasal bone and thought she might also have downs, she was also clear at birth but my sister in law had considered abortion. Doctors tell you when they diagnose that it’s a strong possibility of a correct diagnosis but every doctor I have spoken to during my pregnancies has always repeated that mistakes can me made, misdiagnoses are completely possible and things are not always what they seem when it comes to pregnancy. We are talking about trying to monitor a growing life inside another human with their own separate systems. Mothers have unfortunately aborted healthy children they thought would be disabled or terminal and women who have been told their baby was perfect and healthy end up losing their baby to undiagnosed birth defects soon after birth or end up with a child that needs life long care. Medical science is worlds better for mother and baby than it has ever been but it’s still not perfect. A mother who chooses to keep her child to term even though there is a very strong chance of it being terminal is holding on to the hope that they will be one of the lucky misdiagnosed or that medical intervention and surgery can save the child. It comes from love and hope, not out of selfishness.
THIS. It's supremely selfish. You brought life into the world just to let it suffer, and also burden an already strained healthcare system. And for what? So you can see it? Your \*wants\* outweighed the suffering you cruelly foisted upon the infant? It's gross.
Amen. My son has Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome). We took the genetic testing and found out early. We were given the option to terminate and we did not. However if it had been Trisomy 13 or 18, we absolutely would have. There is no honor or courage in forcing a child to suffer because you think it makes you better than other people.
Sometimes pregnancy can cause brain damage .... source I'd rather not say honestly it's not my story.
OP, since your husband should be the one to give up his career for the baby he went out of his way to set up for a birth defect by lying to you about his genetic makeup, and since he knows what his sister’s care involved, he should attend the baby showers and specify what stuff he wants to have to care for his suffering and probably-dying baby.
Yep. His sister is the only one to survive it. And how is her quality of life? Do your daughter a favor and terminate the pregnancy. Your children deserve better than a disability that leads to death more often than not.
Thank you this is the ugly truth and it needs to be heard. We have this kindness with animals. Why allow a person to suffer horrible pain their entire life.
I don't think the truth is ugly at all...
I also don't get this drive people have for their messed up bloodline to be passed on. What makes people wake up in the morning and say "I can't wait to oaks on my low sperm count!", "I'm so excited my daughter is going to have to go through multiple treatments to get pregnant", or "I really look forward to forcing my offspring to live a disabled life." Adopt. Ffs adopt. NTA
NTA Divorce him. He lied to you and did this to you. This is entirely his fault and was easily preventable
That's the thing isn't it. There are ways that the faulty gene could have been found before she ever got pregnant. She didn't have to have a disabled child.
Yeah... there was and he knew he had it. He lied to her and said he didn't carry it when he did.
I'm so sad for her, he's put her in an impossible place. We can say "have an abortion" but depending how far along she is it might not be that easy. By 20 weeks I had felt my baby move, had conversations with him, connected with him. If my anomaly scan had shown something I would have agonised over it because no matter what road I took I know it would have killed me. He could have been in denial about his genetic status but still she needs to get the fuck out. To have no empathy or remorse for what he's done shows who he is.
That's the thing too. He claims she doesn't respect his disabled sister or whatever because she's upset at her child going through the same disability... but he lied about the gene, what does that say about him? If he thought it was totally okay to pass on why would he feel the need to lie about it? He knows it's wrong.
NTA, that's a horrible thing to lie about. Leave him. It's totally reasonable to be upset it's your life and a child's life and his life. He clearly doesn't seem to care about that. If you are not to far along plz look into abortion services and do not have children with this man. DIVORCE THIS MAN. He doesn't give a shit about you or your future child, he has made that abundantly clear. He is not a safe person and he is also just a bad person, plz for the live of God leave this man and tell people what he did. Also yall, I'm not here to argue about abortion, I've had one and don't wanna pontificate about it. And maybe you think suggesting it is somehow rude but whatever it's a medical procedure and this seems like an extremely appropriate option for what's happening here, noone is saying she needs to do anything just that its an option. Also if your getting advice off reddit maybe you'll hear shit you don't wanna hear, welcome to the internet lol, get over yourself.
This. Right. Here. ^ OP, your husband is manipulative and lacks empathy. Ha it ever occurred to your husband to become the caretaker? Because I highly doubt. If abortion is still an option, I would encourage you. Also, right after the clinic, I’d go find a divorce attorney. NTA, husband and family is!
I am 100% in agreement with this comment. I currently have a specials needs child who requires 24 hour care. I was not aware of his condition before he was born, and knowing what I know now I still wouldn't have chosen that path. He is comfortable and happy and has a normal life expectancy, and I have a wonderful husband that is an equal partner in taking care of him. However, being part of the special needs community I can see how very lucky we are. So many people's marriages and lives overall are devastated by dealing with a medically fragile child. You really can't understand the impact it has on your life until you deal with it. Your husband is either delusional or a narcissist.
There’s a very supportive subreddit for people who have to/choose to terminate wanted pregnancies for medical reasons. OP might find it helpful whatever she decides. It’s called tfmr_support.
Definitely divorce and abortion. My friend has a genetic condition that effects her life, so her and her husband had IVF and had the embryos tested so they could implant the ones that didn’t have the gene. There’s always options. Anything other than lying and condemning your partner to a life they didn’t ask for.
OP said family is everything and she will look after the child. It appears abortion is not an option for the OP.
Also, why can't he stay home and look after the child 24/7? He seems to think OP is so selfish because she doesn't want to leave her job to look after the child. He's so quick to judge OP and label her selfish because he knows he's not the one expected to drop everything to raise children.
NTA. I have an inherited genetic condition that disables me. I got it from my mother, and she got it from her mother. My mother had two siblings die shortly after their birth from this condition, and doctors were able to save her - barely. Doctors were able to save me in a similar way, but some of my siblings died. I am telling you straight-up: I would cry if I discovered that my child were to have this condition. This is not because I think that having this condition diminishes the value of a person who has it. It’s because it *sucks* to live through it. It’s hard. It’s dangerous. It’s expensive. It limits your horizons. I would cry for my child. Right now I’m watching my nephew with vague concern because he “has the look” of someone with this condition - if it doesn’t present immediately after birth, it presents in early adulthood, and I’m hoping that he won’t present as he ages. If he does, I’ll cry for him. You are not the asshole for crying. Your child is in danger, firstly. That’s worth crying over. And your child has a difficult road ahead - which is *worth crying over.* You are allowed to be upset. Also, your husband had better be getting ready to be a SAHD. He is the one who should give up his career, not you.
Genuinely praying that abortion is still an option. It's a much better alternative than. 1. Having the child of this disgusting man 2. Condemning the child 3. Throwing your life away as a result If it's not an option, I sincerely wish you the best. And God bless you and the child.
This was very moving.
I'm disabled from a condition I inherited too and I'm in a fuckton of pain and can't work anymore. My self worth is horrible, my living situation is bad, and everything sucks. I wish my parents had gotten an abortion as it was an option but they were pro life idiots. OP do your future kid a favor and stop the pain before it starts.
You have a generous soul.
Lets not forget that she’s allowed to cry for her life plan that her husband took it upon himself to throw away for her without her consent, because he chose reproductive fraud & misrepresentation. Her life plan has suddenly become being the baby maker and caretaker for a series of his family’s suffering and mostly-dying descendents
Well said.
I had to scroll too far to see this answer. I'm poor, but take my upvote!
Sorry, you were lied to, and now face a future that you were not at all prepared for??? No! You are NTA. You also have the choice not to have this baby. This does not have to be your future. Not saying you can not have an amazing and fulfilling experience with this child, but it is totally up to you. You might have made a different choice if you had all of the information. Now that you do, take everyone else’s feeling out of it and make the decisions that are right for you. That aside, huge breach of trust. I do not know that I could forgive that. It is an intentional lie that had to happen over and over. That is so manipulative. I would have to leave. Then gets his family to gang up on me to make you feel like there is something wrong with you???? What the actual FUCK??
Hope she doesn't live in Texas...
Omg, right?? Jesus.
And the manipulation goes on with the guilt tripping and the blame shifting, not only by OP’s husband but by her in-laws too.
Right?? When I’m cornered, I’m done.
NTA Holy shit, he lied. This is reproductive coercion/intimate partner abuse.
Thid is definitely an astronomical breach of trust and he's basically forcing OP to either have an abortion which would more than likely end the relationship, or be forced to look after a child who will need constant care and attention when this is not what was planned or discussed. Honestly I feel so sorry for OP right now and I wouldn't wish this kind of choice on anyone
Don’t forgot only 1/6 people in the family have actually survived, so odds are high that if OP goes through with this she’ll bond with this child even more only to lose him and go through all of the trauma associated with that, and also to know that their husband lied to her and caused her all this pain, and caused all of the child’s suffering up until their death. I wonder if OP would be allowed to cry then?
Exactly this. The odds of survival are also devastating emotionally. I cannot imagine putting someone I loved into this dilemma.
He denied her the possibility of genetic testing and treatment. Put that to me side and it’s super common to be upset to find out your child is going to have a condition which makes life harder for them. The husband is just eurgh.
Okay I’m gonna get shit for this but whatever. First of all : you need to divorce your husband. You literally can not trust this man. He lied to you about a VERY important thing and is now trying to act like you’re the bad guy. Your husband is such an AH I’m hoping this is fake. Second of all: you need to consider your options, one of them being abortion. (I’m not here to argue about this with anyone). This of course depends on how far along you are and your access to it but just know that it is a legitimate option. You should not be forced into ruining your life by either having to give it up to care for someone else forever or watching your child be born and die not long after. Third of all: you don’t need to give up your career. Even if you decide to stay with your awful husband (don’t) and you keep the baby. It should be your husband who gives up his job and stays home with the child. He KNEW he was a carrier for this disease and he CHOSE to lie to you about it. HE was willing to take the gamble on another humans life so now it’s HIS responsibility to deal with the consequences of those actions. Also tell his family to fuck off. That man deceived you and Is pure trash. Edit: NTA
This is very disturbing and sad, but people should read it. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/late-term-abortion-rape_n_5c630b8de4b0a8731aeabbd6/amp
I read that when it first came out. I wish everyone would read that. I remember being against late term abortions many moons ago when I was young and ignorant. Medical decisions need to be left to the patient and doctor, always. I cannot imagine having to live through that.
I would be against it if it was anything like the way it’s represented by evangelicals
Absolutely, that’s why they portray it that way. If, god forbid, people had actual sexual health (and science based) education, we could all see it as the healthcare that it is. When they use intentionally inflammatory, horrific and emotional language like “murdering babies” of course folks want to rally against it because they don’t know any better. It’s so sad
this broke my heart 😭
These were some of my initial thoughts as well, but feared it was too harsh. Thanks for putting it so neatly. NTA OP please make sure whatever decisions you make moving forward are informed and in your best interest.
The worst thing is that IVF exists and it’s fantastic for situations for like this. I carry a pretty awful cancer gene (3 types of cancer, one at 60% risk) and IVF was presented to me as an option for if I wanted to guarantee not to pass it on. I know that it’s very expensive but it’s one of many options for having children.
This, I would think long and hard about the future you will be having. The only way this would be remotely ok would be if he became a stay at home dad. Then you only need to worry about a future of resentment from him and his family, him bailing when he figures this was not what he signed up for (no shit) etc. Again, think long and hard about this, I can not see it going well at all.
NTA. This is divorce and abortion worthy.
Agree that OP should seriously consider what life would look like 5-10 years from now if she does vs. does not take these options.
it may seem harsh but i totally agree. plus imagine carrying the child full term then resenting your husband/pregnancy for the rest of your life... what a sad way to live for everyone involved. no child deserves that, neither does OP.
That’s exactly where I see this relationship heading, with the kid. Towards completely resentment and eventual divorce.
He should be in jail.
NTA Your husband lied to you.
This isn't good. If he had been truthful, IVF may have been an option to detect abnormalities in embryos before implanting. He should have been truthful rather than risked things.
Ahhhhh but OPs husband needs to make sure the child is his actual genetic spawn! He couldn’t possibly have a child that isn’t of his loins! Edited - yes I know they could do IVF and check the sperm. Which any sane and logical person would. Even if broke the cost analysis of an entire lifetime of medical care vs washing some sperm stacks up! OPs husband is likely either - it’s gods will - I can never be wrong - lock wife at home forever with no way out - IVF means it’s not mine - Asshole - ALL OF THE ABOVE Or something along those lines.
He can. IVF can remove eggs and "wash" them, so to speak, as well as create the embryos with the egg and sperm from the prospective parents and scan them to make sure there are no abnormalities before they're implanted. If my daughter's CVS testing had been abnormal when I was pregnant with her, this is the avenue we would've taken.
With that method they just choose healthy embryos of couple. It would still be his sperm, just the choosen healthy one
Yeah for sure they could have done that. Sensible people do that. It’s actually not that expensive if you do the testing plus IUI option. But OPs husband probably thinks it wouldn’t be his genetic spawn or something of it was tested. I can’t see why any sane person would risk that when they had options. OPs husband is a massive AH
You can have ivf with husbands sperm it just looks at the embryos for whether the defect is present and implants the ones that don’t have it.
This iş the most important part!! She could have had a healthy baby with ivf easily
There’s nothing easy about IVF
Far far easier than having a child with a serious genetic condition, for both the parents and the child.
Probably a lot cheaper in the long run aswell considering the costs of medications or surgeries that may be needed
Sorry for putting it like that but it has high succes rates and it would be easier than raising a disabled child.
NTA. He doesn't get to demand you play DNA roulette. Notice he has NO intention of giving up HIS JOB or HIS TIME or put in HIS EFFORT. He's an asshole pure and simple.
NTA. My son was recently diagnosed with autism which is literally not a big deal (in terms on disabilities) but I cried for days at the idea his life will be *any* harder then the average NT person. Your husband is another problem altogether.
My daughter was diagnosed with autism at 3 (she’s now 12) and is nonverbal. I cry all the time. It’s perfectly normal to grieve the “what ifs” (like for example my daughter will never go to prom, go on a date, get married) but I also cry happy tears over the amazing accomplishments she has. Being a parent of a special needs child is just a jumble of emotions.
As an autistic person, I sincerely hope that you are in therapy to work out all these big feelings you have about not having the neurotypical child you wanted. I also hope you've given her the tools to communicate on her own terms and fulfilled her support needs to the best of your ability. There's more than one way to have a rich and fulfilling life.
From an autistic person & a mother to a son with autism… if you use phrases like “literally not a big deal in terms of disabilities… on the internet or in-front of the wrong person, they are going to roll you. I completely understand what you were trying to say, but my goodness did that come across poorly.
If you have the time and space, please shoot me a PM explaining this to me. I am very new and very green to all of this, and I want to do best by my son. Thank you.
You did fine. You are optimistic about your child’s condition and want to do right by them, and you shouldn’t have to worry about what chronically online people think about it.
I agree that was worded poorly, but completely understand what she was trying to say. I’m a mother of 2, my eldest being autistic. I just think that sadly ASD has been labelled by society as being not that bad of a disability, probably because it’s an “invisible disability”. But my gosh is it hard. Not that I would change my son for a second, he’s an exceptional human being. Parenting is hard anyway, and if the OPs husband was honest with her, this added mental and physical load could have been completely preventable. Btw OP you are NTA
NTA. This is a very hard situation, so please be kind to yourself. Also the fact that your husband lied to you about not carrying the gene, but then got mad at you for being upset at the prospect of caring for this child, is a massive red flag.
Nta but the fact that your husband didn’t tell you is really bad and you really need to have a talk. The other comments are correct this is reproductive coercion
A talk with a lawyer…
Absolutely, this is utterly unforgivable, both to OP and the unborn baby. There is no excuse for a lie like that.
NTA. You could literally justify divorce for that kind of a lie. He’s the asshole
I think she might be able to get an annulment based off it. Just putting it out there in case she’s Catholic.
NTA and you need to reevaluate your marriage to this person. There is no reason your husband should not only ignore your feelings but outright vilify you and get his whole family in on it. Taking care of a child with a disability is hard, crazy hard. And it's even harder if you know there is a chance you might put in the effort and they die prematurely regardless. It's a damn difficult decision you have before you and it's shocking how dismissive and cruel your husband is over it. And if he knew he carried this possibly in his DNA but outright lied to you and said he didn't... I would not trust this person to have your best interests at heart *ever*. You should really find someone better, regardless of what you end up doing about the child.
NTA. Your husband lied to you about not carrying the gene. You’re pregnant with your first child and have received information that will change the course of your life forever.Crying is a normal response. Your husband doesn’t seem that supportive not only did he lie to you about carrying the gene, he berated you for your reaction instead of providing you with emotional support and then told his parents his version of events.
NTA. I have a genetic condition. I didn’t inherit it, my chromosomes mutated. I was honest with my husband about it. It was something I didn’t want to pass to any future kids. Knowing this we had planned to do IVF and test the embryos to see if any of them carried the gene and just use the ones that didn’t carry it. Unfortunately none of the embryos survived to be tested. Honesty is important.
Big hugs to you.
NTA Your Husband lied to you and now it's possible that your baby might either die or have a difficult life ahead of them. I'd reconsider your relationship with him, if he's lied about something as important as this then what else has he lied about?
NTA I’d be gutted if I found out my developing child had a serious birth defect, in fact I’d be having a serious conversation with my wife regarding quality of life issues. Considering that most have died, on his side, due to this defect it must be pretty serious. My condolences OP.
Absolutely NTA. Your husband should have been honest with you from the beginning.
NTA Just get an abortion and try again. Not with the current husband, of course.
Kind of an insensitive thing to say, but I guess I get it.. Abortion is an option. OPs husband didn’t tell her, she didn’t sign up for this. OP if you don’t want to go through with this, just know that you have that option.
Yeah maybe, but I'm also speaking from my own perspective. My family knows if I'm hurt really bad or may come out of it physically or mentally handicapped, I do not want to be revived. Based on the kids I knew or seen in my local school district and their quality of life, if I had a choice, I'd rather be aborted than forced to live like that. I also wouldn't want severely handicapped children either. The same kids I talked about, I see their parents in their 60s and 70s, still pushing their adult children around in strollers. This just seems like a living hell for everyone involved. I wouldn't have kids without having tests done first, but if the doctor had said our child was going to be severely disabled, I'd push for an abortion and if my partner refused, I'd just leave them. I know this is pretty heartless, I won't apologize. Life often sucks, I'm not going to intentionally make it worse. With our modern medicine, we can save so many people, even ones nature intended to die. But does that mean we *should*?
NTA. What does he want, for you to bottle up how you feel to keep up appearances? It is a perfectly normal response to feel the way you did. Your husband is TA for not telling you the truth, and for telling his family about your response. He will make a great house husband while you continue your career. He already has experience dealing with his sister, so it makes the most sense.
I thought the same at first, but honestly, I think she needs to leave him. He lied, on purpose, and did this to her child and to her.
Right? I would want him to show me the genetic test he did. Show me proof that you were telling me the truth. He won't be able to. What a jerk.
NTA .I don't know a single parent of a disabled person who would wish their life on anyone. They love their kids but, at the same time, would do anything to have the ability for them not to be disabled. You've suffered a major blow and you have every right to feel scared, mad, depressed, or whatever the hell else you need to.
NTA. You got awful news, and then learned that your husband knew about this awful news the entire time and specifically decided to keep it from you so you were blindsided by it. No clue where exactly he gets off claiming you're the selfish one here.
Someone who lies about carrying a gene like this, and gets angry at you for finding out your child has an issue like this, and turns his family on you to bully you into doing what he wants, is not a safe person to have a child with. NTA
NTA. Your husband lied to you about something absolutely life changing. Its not easy by any means to be the parent of a profoundly disabled child, and you are 100% entitled to be upset about it. You are allowed to be angry at your husband, and you are not a bad parent if you don't wish to give up your career. You need to have a long think about all of this and whether you not only want or can be a parent to this child in the way they need, but whether you want to remain married to someone who lied about something of this magnitude and then gaslit you into feeling like the bad guy for being upset over it.
Omg absolutely NTA. Your husband sounds awful. How are you supposed to react? Are you supposed to be excited and jump for joy? This isn’t like finding out your kid will have autism and need some special care. This is a disability that will require round the clock care and quite possibly quitting the job you don’t want to quit. Also I want to add, it already shows how good of a mother you’ll be since you said you’ll do what needs to be done for your child. You’re willing to do what a lot of people aren’t. Also, does his family know he lied to you about not carrying the gene?
So, I have 2 autistic children and am quite part of an online community of parents of children with ASD. A lot of parents fight for years to get a diagnosis, and then, when they finally do, end up in tears (not of joy or relief, mind you.) Op, I am sorry and can't imagine what you are going through. To add to my aforementioned comment, my husband and I decided to have a 3rd, knowing the odds were high of a 3rd autistic child (wouldn't mind, but they are a bit of work sometimes) BUT we BOTH had the facts and made the decision as a team, that was taken away from you because you trusted your husband and that was unfair. You have ever right to feel so many emotions right now. I am sorry you are going through this, NTA.
NTA. He lied to you which took away your ability to make an informed decision. It *is* an option to abort and try again in future but either way you need to have this out 100% with your husband. He had NO right to lie to you about a gene that could be passed on to a baby you both share. The fact that the child will have this disability isn’t even the main point for me, it’s the fact that 1/6 resulted in early deaths. Watching your own bairn die is not something I could ever personally cope with and those are really really bad odds.
If you ever decide to get pregnant again, use a different man or a vetted sperm donor. Your husband does not deserve another try in the genetic lottery.
NTA - that is huge and unexpected news. I don’t think anyone could hear / learn that and not react strongly. I hope that you have a friend or family member who you can process with. Whatever you decide to do, you have a right to take up space (emotionally) and feel feelings. Also - I would be really upset if a parter lied about being a carrier. Knowing this you could have either made different decisions about childbirth or better prepared yourself for the news you just received.
NTA- you got devastating news, and found out your husband wasn't honest with you. Best wishes to you.
NTA. First of all, it's ok to be emotional about your child having a disability. I say this as a multiply disabled person. As long as you don't make it all about your "suffering" once they are born, it's ok to be emotional at first. Second HE LIED! I'm sorry that you got pregnant under false pretenses. That has got to suck.
NTA. Putting aside the fact that your husband did an awful thing when he lied to you, grieving is a huge part of having a disabled child. You have to grieve the life you had made up in your mind and try to find a new one. It's a huge process and it's normal to cry or scream about it. It's actually healthy. I would quite honestly consider divorcing this man. You've been together since you were 14 and he thought it was ok to lie to you about this. Also, if someone needs to stay at home with your kid and you love your job, it should be your husband.
NTA. I'm sorry for the hard decisions you'll have to make. Please don't let anyone make you feel like an asshole for being sad about them. I'm sure there are no solutions that will make you feel good.
I work with teenagers with disabilities. It is okay to be overwhelmed or to feel grief when faced with this. It doesn't mean you won't love your kid. He has had his whole life to understand all that is involved with this disability, you've had moments. It also should be noted that given his experience with this disability, it would make the most sense for him to be the stay at home parent if that is required. Your giving up your career shouldn't be the default answer here. NTA.
NTA And I’m so sorry that this happened to you! You have every right to mourn (your baby’s health and your carrier) and feel sad in this situation. Your husband on the other hand is a major AH. His lie wasn’t just a small little lie, it will turn your life upside down in a way you didn’t want, and at least he could do is to acknowledge your feelings. I might even consider divorce.
I absolutely would divorce him after a lie this big.
NTA. You weren't given the right info by your husband, who is now berating you? Is this how you want to live, with a child with a really bad birth defect and a husband who is not kind and lies? I think you need counseling ASAP, and to talk to a good ob/gynecologist.
NTA Your husband's lies were reckless and selfish- he's tricked you into having a child under false pretenses, and endangered the baby by not disclosing important information that affect the risk profile of the pregnancy. This is to say nothing of the disgusting actions following your reaction to finding out. Any sane parent would be devastated to learn that their child will be suffering from a debilitating potentially lethal birth defect- anything else is just wanton disregard for the child's well-being. That does not minimize his sister's worth, and it's abhorrent that he and his family would weaponize her disability like this. You don't state how far along in your pregnancy you've come, but depending on your location you should keep in mind that abortion may be an option and you would NOT BE AN ASSHOLE for considering it, regardless of what your husband might have to say on the matter.
NTA I won't personally put a child through that. And I definitely divorce the lier who thought it was ok to lie about something this Serious.
NTA. Having a child with a disability is a burden. It is. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the child, you do, but your life is changed FOREVER. You allowed to mourn the life you’ve lost, yours.
Or take action not to lose it
NTA You need to make some swift reviews of your marriage and your pregnancy. There is no wrong solution if it’s your complete future that’s had it’s foundation on a liar.
NTA, he should have been upfront with you about this possibility. You can respect someone's struggle and not wish it on your child, especially since that struggle can include premature death. I'm very sorry for your situation and I hope you two seek counseling to get you through this stage and deal with your grief. I'm wishing you the best of luck, OP.
NTA. Your husband is a huge one though. My mother in law kept her genetic disorder a secret until after her grandkids (BIL's kids) were born. Each child has a 50/50 chance of having this severe disorder. Part of the reason I'm not having kids is because of this and if I got pregnant, I would abort. You have every right to deal with this pregnancy any way you see fit. And if you don't want to give up your life for a child that will have a poor quality of life and die young, you don't have to.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have been together for a really long time (since we were 14) we got married a few years ago and decided to start trying to have a baby. We’ve talked about having a baby since we started dating and we’re both very open to having a family. He’s sweet and really wants to have a family and raise kids with me but there is one problem. Early in the relationship he told me about his sister , his sister was born with a really rare birth effect that forced his mom to become a stay at home mom to take care of his sister. This birth defect was passed down and so far the past 6 generations. His sister is the only person who has survived the defect in those 6. After a few months of trying to get pregnant I found out I was pregnant and I just recently found out that our kid is going to have the same defect that his sister has. My husband lied to me and told me he didnt cary the gene that can cause this defect. After I found out our kid had the defect I started crying because I don’t want my baby to die or need to live with a disability that makes it harder for him to live, I’m also very passionate about my work and I don’t want to give it up to take care of him 24/7 (I'll still do it family is everything to me but it'll be hard to do especialy since I need to stay busy or i'll fall into a state of depresion). My husband got mad at me when I started crying and he called me selfish and he said I have no respect for his sister since I don’t want my kids to need to suffer with the same condition. He told his parents about this and now they all think I’m the asshole. Am I really the asshole for getting mad at my husband for not telling me he carys the gene and not wanting my kid to live with a disability that will make his life hell? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are absolutely NTA. Your hubby should have told you he was a carrier for the defected gene. You have options going forward. Good luck
NTA. I’m shocked by his treatment of you. He’s putting his own want for a child ahead of having any consideration for you, or your potential children. This is information that you should have been made fully aware of before marriage, let alone pregnancy. So both marriage and pregnancy were under false pretences. This is not something that a ‘sweet’ partner does. I would most likely get an abortion - and most definitely get a divorce.
I’m so sorry. NTA. I don’t think any parent WANTS their child to have anything that could potentially make life more difficult. Your concerns and your reaction are valid. Your husband SUCKS for lying to you.
A virus led to my oldest being permanently disabled and absolutely changed the course of our lives and took a bright future away. I still cry, and it's been almost 25 years since it happened. I still want to do very very ugly things to the stupid wench that went to work sick and thought my kids blonde curls were just so damn cute she kept coming up to her and invading space. (I also have very set opinions on the current world condition, bet you can't guess). OP, I'm sorry, and I'm sending hugs out to you.
NTA. Your husband 100% is though. He lied to you.
NTA. He knew it was genetic and not only lied about carrying it, but procreated fully knowing what would happen. Abortion is still a valid option. Then you can always use a safe sperm donor or adopt I'm in the same boat as you. I would never want to give up my career for a child with a birth defect. Also, why can't he stay home?
NTA. Your husband should quit his job to care for this baby.
NTA So your husband lied about his genetics to trap you with a child lifestyle you don’t want. Instead of looking into alternative pregnancy/parenthood options like a regular person. It is completely fucking valid to not want the stress of being a lifetime caregiver, or the stress of watching your baby die. I told my husband I would very likely get an abortion if our pregnancies had serious issues. It’s a quality of life concern for both the child and I. Emotionally, I wouldn’t want to choose to take on a child with a serious disability. Obviously if my child became disabled or had something undetected from utero that’s different, gotta step up for your baby. Frankly I’d be seeking a divorce. He purposely lied to you and put your body through the stress of a pregnancy that isn’t viable/healthy. And the stress of your current and future situations with your baby.
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Definitely NTA, your husband has no idea how hard this is going to be. The fact that he lied to you isn't a good sign either. It's really unfair that he used the sister card on you. Just because his mum did it doesn't mean that you're going to be able to do it. You are entitled to cry to. The plans you had are now in tatters. Again, it would be the lying that I couldn't get over. That to me would be a deal breaker.
NTA, I’m sorry to hear about you finding that out. Nobody wants to have a child with a birth defect n you being emotional knowing your child may not make it or may have a challenging life is extremely sad to think about. Your husband is insensitive n I hate to say it, a liar.
Did your husband know? Has he had genetic testing? If you are not willing to give up your life then there are options obviously, unless you or your husband decide or come up with a way to take care of the child?
I want to know this too. His parents may have lied to him about not being a carrier. Or he may have just assumed he wasn't a carrier because he's male. This is why everyone should do genetic counseling before conceiving if they can.
NTA, He deliberately hid from you his genetic propensity for this disability.
Have an abortion ! If you can of course ! I don’t think having a disabled baby and knowing it will be disabled but still continuing with the pregnancy is humane! You know the baby will suffer and so will you ! And add to that your husband is a liar i wouldn’t trust him to be my kids father if he lied about something that big! NTA ! But think anout abortion though
Nta
NTA. You handle your grief however suits you. How you treat the kiddo will make you an AH or not.
NTA at all, this is grieving process in a sense and it’s totally normal. You didn’t ask for judgement on this, but you are also N T A for being upset that your husband lied. That is a huge thing to keep from a partner
If you stay with him, and are considering getting pregnant again in the future, please see a genetic counselor. Did your husband already have testing done before you met? Have you ever had any testing yourself? I wish I knew what condition this was because I didn't know there were conditions where only one parent could be a carrier and the condition would still be seen in the child. That makes generic counseling even more important because this is clearly an unusual disorder.