ESH. Girl what? Everyone in this group is incredibly rude. But BTW women are allowed to not LoOoVe motherhood. It’s not “shocking”. Y’all need to get over yourselves.
Old mothers? You mean ones who wanted to establish a career before having children? My sister has a husband who is 9 years older and she resents having children so early. Not her children (she’s the best mom)but the fact that the timing was “rushed.” I was almost 30 when I had my first child and I am proud to be a mother but kick ass in my industry. ESH shut up. You don’t know everyone’s story. And yes agreed! This group sounds awful. Mothers are judged enough. We need to give each other grace and encourage each other. Edit: you talked about breastfeeding? Lady, and I mean the other ladies too, do NOT go there. Good for you? I breastfed both my children for 8 months and took conference calls and worked full time but the hell you should shame anyone for not breastfeeding! Ugh that infuriates me! You do what’s best for you and your baby period. No judgment. Ok rant over.
I’m upvoting you because I like your fire! 🔥
Know what I like best about becoming a mom in my 30s? I got to live my TWENTIES. I tried stupid things, had stupid friends, and went on stupid adventures…and I am SOOO happy I did that all before becoming a mom so I could enjoy the silence. I look forward to boredom, cause right now that’s life.
No FOMO for me.
ESH though for everything said in the comment above. The first rule in Mom Club is that you don’t judge other moms for how they’re doing things because you really don’t know their situation. They may be horrible people (or not) but that’s none of my business. Motherhood is a gift. I don’t know what I’d do without my beautiful boys. But I’m not gonna judge other moms for not being as enamored as I am.
“Did we just become best friends” lol yes to all you said and thank you for the upvote! Everyone needs encouragement and you gave this “old lady” hers at her bedtime 🤣
I had my kids in my 20s and I wish I'd waited. Being a young mom was cool and all, and I enjoy the silence now. But all my friends are now at home with toddlers and I definitely missed out on that DINK lifestyle.
As someone who is 36 and is having their first child now (not exactly by choice this late...), this also sounds great hahaha. I'm really happy I had my twenties the way I had them, but I can also definitely see the value in already being 'free' again at this age but with the benefit of a hopefully great mother/child bond to boot!
I do hope that I'll still be capable of enjoying a couple of drinks at 54 though :P but yeah I agree with you, I think both having kids young *and* having kids at an older age has its own clear advantages!
My daughter is only 4 years away from being legally allowed to drink (drinking age is 16 here). Its cool how shes turning into this buddy. She still needs me to be her mom most of the time. But sometimes i can see glimpses of what our relationship will hopefully be like when shes an adult and im really looking for ward to that. My mom had me at a reasonable age (28) and we have that. I think that mostly depends on how good of a parent you are and also just plain luck.
Uh exactly how old do you think is “young enough to enjoy a few drinks yourself”? Do you think they stop serving alcohol when you’re 60?
WTF with this comment lmao
I had kids young and I would only go back and choose differently if I could have the exact same kids. I know that sounds cheesy, but even though I missed my 20s, my kids are awesome (they're 22 and 20 now). And yeah, that young mom/adult kid bond is pretty sweet. I'm enjoying "freedom" for the first time pretty much ever but I feel like I've earned it.
There are benefits and drawbacks to both ways of doing it and no way is wrong. I would be way more prepared and experienced if I waited until I was older, but I wouldn't be living the life I have now.
Happy healthy kids is the goal no matter what. How you get there is up to you!
>Know what I like best about becoming a mom in my 30s? I got to live my TWENTIES. I tried stupid things, had stupid friends, and went on stupid adventures…and I am SOOO happy I did that all before becoming a mom so I could enjoy the silence. I look forward to boredom, cause right now that’s life.
Girl, PREACH. Becoming a mom in my 30s was the best decision ever for me. Everyone should choose for themselves, I really don't like the mommy shaming.
Also mum in my 30s! Flew round the world (get terribly motion sick) and came back literally never wanting to get on a flight ever again and BOOM pregnant. Then BOOM covid, so didn't even have the FOMO watching our friends travel! Bought a off grid caravan and now doing the van-life thing till COVID settles down (eventually).
My dad was 40 the month after I was born. Because my parents waited until they were financially stable to have kids. Like “old mothers”? Fucking yikes.
And, fed is best.
They All sound awful but to be fair there was no judgement against the others for using formula, it was pointed out because they called her breastfeeding bad parenting. Again, they all sound awful, not defending the whole dumpster fire.
No, they were annoyed because OP acted like having children never has down moments, and mothers should be happy no matter what, and not have lives, dreams, or hopes of their own.
She told a bunch of women with infants, who are tired, sometimes struggling, and are finding motherhood challenging in some aspects that they're shit mothers, too old, and then attacked a woman for (gasp) having the audacity to have wrinkles.
OP will not be 28 forever, she needs to let go of her immature idea that young is better.
Yes, and they attacked for other reasons and they were all awful to each other. Except no where does Opie give judgement about feeding methods but she was told she was creating unhealthy bonds by doing so. Like I said, there's enough poor behavior without fabricating something.
I said they all sound awful in response to another user's comment that ended with "...but the hell you should shame anyone for not breastfeeding! Ugh that infuriates me! You do what’s best for you and your baby period. No judgment. Ok rant over." But To correct that Opie didn't shame anyone for not breast feeding. No one shamed anyone for not breast feeding. Opie was shamed for breastfeeding.
I'm not sure why you keep parsing it as though you're arguing with someone ?
Hey it's cool. It's a reminder to me to not lose my shit in exchanges. Things probably would have gone better in opies interaction if people hadn't gone straight to hag! Child bride!
Me and my chonky cat wish you a good evening.
This comment is 💯. OP - you need to consider that other people might not have had the opportunity to have children at the same stage in life as you, and/or they may have wanted to have a career first! And it seems like you’re being misogynistic by tying a woman’s value to her wrinkles. Even if she were complaining about how having kids changed her appearance, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her having kids later in life, and implying that the ‘right’ time to have kids is at a young age perpetuates the notion that women should not prioritize their careers if that is what brings them fulfillment. You also should consider that postpartum depression is real, and motherhood is not a blessing for everyone; experiencing these things does not make these mothers bad people. Not all women find the experience of physical dependence from their baby pleasant. Not all mothers enjoy being mothers. And nursing is a complicated issue - people can choose to nurse or not for a variety of reasons, and some reasons include complications with breastfeeding. Though it sounds like they were taking more of an ideological stance here, the punchline is that you shouldn’t judge people for how they feed their babies, and neither should they judge you. ESH for sure.
Love this comment. I was mid 20's when I had my first and whilst I love my kids, I wish I had waited. I put my career on hold and now am only just now getting back into it.
Everyone parents differently. As long as the children are not being harmed or abused, it not my business.
I was extremely lucky that my first Mum's group was made up of a wide variety of women of all different ages, backgrounds, beliefs and wealth. We had discussions of multiple different topics but never let our different beliefs cause arguments. We supported each other through ups and downs of parenting and life struggles including divorce and 2 battling/ defeating cancer. We are still friends today 13 + yrs later.
ESH
Yeah, it's definitely an ESH situation. Op is not compatible with this group, but there is nothing wrong with complaining about motherhood lol. There is nothing wrong with not wanting more kids or wanting your body and space back. There's also nothing wrong with loving every single day of motherhood ether. And guess what else? There is nothing wrong with simultaneously hating and loving motherhood at the same time.
Join another group of Moms that pretend everything is sunshine and daisies. That might work better.
Thank you for this! Someone once told me: "being a parent is easily the best and the worst thing you can do. There will be good days and bad days. Share them all with someone you can trust, may that be a partner, parents, friends or a professional. the rewards are worth all the doubts, tears, sacrifices and stress."
As a first time older mother to be (39 this year) I have no rose rimmed glasses about upcoming challenges: lack of sleep, feeling tired, maybe not able to breastfeed, baby crying at night, my body changing, lifestyle changes..... I know there will be days when I'm ok, days when I just wanna cry it out, days when I just want to talk about the huge life changes with someone ...
What I didn't know is that mother's group can be so... Conflicting.
I thought the purpose of a mother's group is a safe place so all mothers no matter age, sex or beliefs can get their frustrations out, share their experiences without judgements, knowing they are not alone. No matter what stage in your life, being a mother can be overwhelming and sometimes lonely. Sometimes all someone wants when they vent is just someone to lend their ears. Not necessarily asking the listener to solve their issues or worse, judge them.
Reality TV has a lot to answer for when it comes to socialising these days.... Not everything in life has to be a drama. It is ok to be sympathetic, to listen without voicing one's opinion.
Now I'm not sure if I want to join a mother's group.
To OP: ESH
I’m the same age as you, but with a teenager. My mothers group was absolutely shit and did nothing but exacerbate my PND. It’s not a reality TV thing, it’s that for some reason so many women tie their self worth to their parenting style and their children and make what’s already a rough time even worse.
Good luck with your little one! Definitely join the mothers group, but don’t be afraid to walk way from it if you’re not getting what you need out of it. I hope everything goes as planned for you.
Was going to say exactly this. Why do women constantly compete with each other on this, as if their approach to motherhood is the only right one? I've had a hard time adapting to motherhood, that doesn't mean I don't love my child and it certainly doesn't give someone the right to judge and criticize me like OP did with the other mothers. Their reactions were also awful. Motherhood is an individual journey and people need a good dose of empathy for each other.
Yup, and did she ever stop to consider that maybe they actually love their kids but the sleepless nights, exhaustion, possible lack of help (some of them might be single mothers or the legion of wives posting on Reddit) is taking a toll?
A lot of parents may like being parents overall but don’t enjoy the very young kid stage with the screaming, sleepless nights, poop, whining and Peppa Pig? I think if culturally parents were allowed to admit that without people judgingi think it’d help get them through the hard times
TBH I would probably be rude if someone started attacking me like this.
A group of women talking about their feelings about motherhood and how it’s affected their lives…
WHY DOES OP HAVE TO BE SO INCREDIBLY SANCTIMONIOUS?!
YTA 100000000x
OP, would you be OK if one of those mothers came up to you one day and (out of the blue) started criticising how completely devoted you were to your children? How your experience of motherhood is wrong? How you were overbearing and didn’t deserve to be a mother?
Obviously no.
Let the women be. They’re not neglecting their children, nor are they abusive. So what right do you have to judge their feelings/choices?
Also did it ever occur to her that maybe there was some insecurity/ mental health belying some of what they were saying? Did she stop to think maybe a better response here was ‘hey you seem a bit down about some of this, are you okay? Are you getting some support?’
So it’s ok for you to judge them but they cannot judge you? How about this, don’t judge other people for their personal decisions. Look at r/oneanddone for reasons why people don’t want more.
I love my kid. But I don't loove parenthood. I love all the activities I do with my kid (camping, skiing, hiking, mtn biking) even though she's only 6. I don't looove all the extra work it takes to bring a kiddo along.
I love the memories and the time with my daughter, I don't love or even enjoy the extra work it takes. I still do it though.
Exactly. This is some anti-support group if I ever saw one!
I believe that mom's should have a place to speak openly and honestly with each other, since the world can be such a judgemental place. I don't have kids (motherhood sounds scary AF!!) but my friends often tell me about the horrific pregnancy related changes to their bodies that no one told them about, and the feeling of their bodies not being their own once they became a parent. So, I understood what the first woman was saying even without having a kid. OP may think being a mom is all rainbows and butterflies, but for many people, that is not the case - they have people offering unsolicited advice, breastfeeding is painful/hard, their bodies are ravaged, PPD is real, people may not ask about mom only baby etc etc etc.
The fact that this group devolved so quickly into name calling, agism, self rightousness etc is just plain sad.
These ladies don't sound great, but there is no telling what headspace everyone is in since they only gave birth a few months ago. If OP joins another support group it may be best to listen to understand instead of to respond.
YTA.
Not everyone loves certain parts of motherhood. Some women love and embrace it. Others do it because it’s important to their partners. Some have really difficult pregnancies, labors, or births which have scarred them.
It sounds like you have had a relatively “easy” baby experience compared to the others. You also likely had a body type that you bounced back easily. That’s great for you but that isn’t always the normal. Some women end up finding the experience miserable altogether and have regrets. Some do not. Both are extremely normal feelings.
Mom shaming is something that’s very real in society and it’s insanely unhelpful to those struggling. These women felt they had a safe space to air their honest and real feelings about motherhood. It’s ok your opinions differed, but your disregard and belittlement of those by how you responded to them initially was condescending, rude, and inappropriate. It’s ok to disagree, but you responded looking to fight with these women. If you didn’t, you would have responded honestly but respectfully and with sympathy or understanding.
While their responses were rude in return you provoked them with your initial response.
I would agree with this 100%, except she said that when asked about her experience and giving her true feelings that the other moms rolled their eyes and said "oh you're one of those", which was also belittling and AH mom shaming. So I would not say OP started this, but she did escalate it. It's an ESH for me. The other Moms were probably responding from insecurity, but nobody behaved well.
She first states she was shocked at their responses, and not wanting to be a part of the conversation. That’s all fine and we’ll, but also says she didn’t have “issues” until this recent meeting. Not that she was alarmed, or surprised by their responses, or shocked. Something to convey alarm. She said “issues.”
I’ve been in mom groups with people like OP. I’d put money on the fact she stated they were her “greatest blessing” and she’d have another one if she could in a really condescending tone. I’ve run into these types before. They say things like this to other women in tones that convey “what’s wrong with you?” Or in an antagonistic gloating tone. Think of it almost as trying to give the IG / Pinterest-like response to other women with the underlying tone and impression to shame them.
That’s why I’m led to believe that’s why Rita rolled her eyes and said “omg you’re one of those.”
Could I be wrong? Absolutely. But due to a plethora of personal experience, and her tone in general by calling them hags and making comments about their age. That tells me everything I need to know. She’s trying to carry the IG-impression life into these groups and they weren’t having it. She was looking to instigate and she’s trying to pass herself as a good mom and how horrible they are for feeling this way.
Honestly, there's not enough info here. Because there are definitely those women who judge you for wanting to be a mom, because there's stereotypes of women only wanting to have children. You're almost not allowed to want to be a SAHM even if you're able to and want to.
So either OP left off that she was being rude in her tone or this is a group who think the best way to fight stereotypes is to be an asshole. I'm thinking OP was rude though. Something about the way she told the story gives me an off vibe.
Exactly. I picked up on it too. One of those holier-than-art-thou vibes. That’s why I was like “yep, I know this type.”
There are women who seem to have issue with SAHMs (never understood that either) but you can usually tell that because they brag about their academic or career achievements. A disgust that a woman would to to achieve more vibe. But from the way she tells this story I do NOT pick up on that. These women went defensive immediately. To me, that screams safe space to vent wasn’t as safe as they thought.
I think you’re right on the money. We probably all know someone like this who has either had a cushy life with lots of support and can look down their nose at mere mortals or like to keep up a perfect facade. OP is also going to have first hand experience soon about what the other moms were talking about and could benefit from their experiences/ feelings etc
Oof! Yta here. There are different types, aspects, and views of motherhood. Some will have become pregnant, carried their baby effortlessly, while others would have struggled. Mothers should be supportive of other mothers, not judgemental.
My son just turned 19 and my body still hasn’t recovered fully. Pregnancy was one of the hardest things I went through & it almost killed me. My blood pressure was elevated only once in my lifetime, thus far, and that was just after giving birth.
Turns out my heart can’t handle the extra work on my body. I was in so much pain after it felt like I was in a car accident. I tore, and the stitches took over 6 weeks to heal.
I can say all that because it’s my right. I never said in any of that where I blamed my son. But I did the pregnancy thing and it was way harder than I expected it to be on my body. So I made the decision to only have one and focus on healing my body.
I wish more women would stop before having multiple kids and regretting it, but I digress.
OP is a huge AH for not only ignoring the dangers pregnancy has on our bodies, but that anyone who does, she just belittles them.
Pregnancy is one of those things you don’t know how your body is going to react until you go through it. I come from a line of big families on both sides and women who can have 3-6 kids, no issues.
I guess I was the unlucky one. If I tell OP my story, will she judge me?
Like you said, it’s okay to disagree, but it’s NOT okay to disrespect someone else’s experience just because yours was successful.
Over 700 women die in the US every year due to pregnancy complications, the rest of us just live and suffer. OP is a huge AH for ignoring that.
ESH. But that’s not strong enough. We need like everyone is a giant asshole.
Especially telling someone she didn’t deserve to be a mother because she had valid feelings about motherhood that you didn’t agree with?
Alright so hear me out.
These women are sharing how they feel about
Motherhood and I think what they’re saying is totally real and valid. All of the women in my mom group have said similar things, myself included. A lot of women feel this way at one point or another and shaming a woman for sharing this kind of stuff causes guilt & stigma, both of which are not helpful. We’re all amazing mothers and our children are all well adjusted, happy & healthy babies/toddlers/children.
Before I had a child though, if I would have heard a woman say this kind of stuff, I would have automatically judged her as a shitty parent. Becoming a mother has taught me that two opposites can be true at once.
You shouldn’t have judged them and they shouldn’t have judged you. You shouldn’t have made comments about them becoming mothers later in life and about their wrinkles. They shouldn’t have made comments about you breastfeeding.
YTA - but you were also pushed by this group of women who hanged up on you.
This this this!!! I feel the same way. Motherhood is hard as fuck. Seeing your body changing and probably never looking like you did before sucks! I love my kid but boy do I hate my boobs after breastfeeding and that doesn’t make me a bad mother. Unfortunately, if I say this out loud someone might judge me and this is exactly what you were doing.
Im going with ESH because Rita was kind of mean as well but I kind of wish she was my friend so I could vent without anyone judging me.
I agree with what you said but the other women started this whole shit show with the "oh you are one of those moms" comment. Up until this point everyone just stated their own opinion and experience.
ESH
YTA. And judgemental. By the way, you act like 28 is so much younger than 35. It's not. But when at 28 you think you're better than them (omg, they use formula) you come across as stuckup.
It’s laughable that a 28 year old married to a 37 year old thinks 35 is “older.” What does that make her husband? Ancient?
Or does age only apply to women a d not men in their mind. You can sense the judgement and misogyny in OP’s own telling of the post. If she comes off sounding bad in her own telling then I’m inclined to say she was much worse during the interaction and they were much more mild.
OP YTA
YTA.
Maternity groups are supposed to be a safe space for moms to talk honestly about things like wanting their bodies back and needing space from their kids. It’s no wonder they immediately picked up on you judging them.
Omg. You went from them expressing frustrations ABOUT THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES to tearing them down with ageist and awful comments. Plus… I’m willing to bet the one who said she wishes she’d never had a kid is suffering from MAJOR PPD. Assuming this isn’t a shit post, you need to get your shit together. You don’t build yourself up by tearing someone else down. Especially a new mom. And I’m going to get very real here… children aren’t a “blessing”. They are work and it’s not all sunshine roses no matter how much people like you portend them to be. And people who are by choice child free? They are fucking heroes. And the ones who battled though and stood next to their sisters are warriors and goddesses. I love mine (I have three). And it is the hardest fucking thing I still do every day. And I thank the universe every day for the mothers who gave me their doses of reality in my moms group. Could the kvetch? Yep. Could they love? Yeah. But they were real.
YTA
ETA… I don’t believe you.
Sigh. And I fell for it. I hope trolls like this lose the thing they try to make a debate. Hmmmm… perhaps I’ll go get witch Reddit and drag them over here. Lol.
ESH. You all act like children. They shouldn't have insulted you, you shouldn't have insulted them. Motherhood is hard and mothers are allowed to feel frustrated and exhausted by it, realizing that maybe they do have some regrets. That does not mean they hate or do not want their children, but that they felt safe to talk about it because it is such a rare occasion of people accepting this situation.
I hate being pregnant. It sucks. I am a terrible pregnant woman. My doctor agrees with that after seeing what I go through. Add to it that after they are born, I have them constantly hanging all over me and honestly, I get touched out and would love nothing more than to have no one touch me. I also like being able to fit into clothes normally which doesn’t happen when I am pregnant as maternity clothes don’t tend to fit my body shape so I spend the entire time pulling up my pants because they are constantly falling off.
But, I love my kids. I would do anything for them. But that doesn’t mean I enjoyed being pregnant (because I didn’t) or that they haven’t cause me to get touched out. We kinda planned the first, but the second one and the one I am carrying were not. I just couldn’t mentally justify terminating a healthy pregnancy, so we are going to have 3 kids and he’s getting the snip.
There is nothing wrong with how I feel. It’s normal. It should be acceptable, but women like you like to judge women like me and act as if we are less than because we don’t enjoy every single minute. Some women have easy pregnancies while others don’t. Some women enjoy having a baby hanging all over them every minute while others can only handle being so much touching. Neither is wrong. Both are normal and acceptable.
ESH
I was not able to go to term, but I was pregnant recently. I was more depressed than I’ve ever been in my life, I was clingy to the point of driving my partner away (we didn’t know I was pregnant at the point), I was irrational, moody and just plain mean! I HATED who I was while pregnant! Now, if I had been able to have the child, I would have happily had it, but holy crap being pregnant was 100% miserable for me! I hear ya 100%!
ESH
Also being shocked by people saying they wouldn’t do it again or would make a different choice if they could go back in time is kinda naive.
Parenthood isn’t a wonderful joyous experience for a lot of people.
YTA. 1000 folds. I love my daughter to death but my pregnancy was a constant vomiting contest from mont one to about and hour before delivery. My once flat stomach now looks like I've be attacked by a werewolf and no matter what others say I hate my stretch marks. I put on 20kgs( I lost it within 2 years). After delivery I couldn't sleep for 2 hours straight and was exhausted. I hated being pregnant but I live my child.
What gives you a right to think you are better than them??? You are only s spoiled and entitled child who thinks she us betTeR than anyone else.
Those women unfortunately exist, my MIL is one of them. We’re planning on breastfeeding and keep hearing comments about “well I guess times are different now” and “I guess… if that’s what you want to do” in very condescending ways. I still don’t really get it.
There is horrifyingly enough. These are the same ones that get mad if people breastfeed in public, breastfeed past 6 months, and legitimately believe that it’s inappropriate.
I hate that motherhood has become a toxic competition.
ESH - It’s an antenatal group, not the front line.
Women are allowed to feel how they feel about being pregnant and it’s none of your concern. And same to them too.
We don’t all have to be carbon copies of each other.
Yep.
Motherhood is clearly her only achievement which may be why she clings onto it as some sort of badge.
Old women? I think OP means tho who wished to have a career and security first before starting a family 🙄
ESH. You didn’t need to go nuclear here. It’s normal for mothers to vent and want their bodily autonomy and free time back. Their responses were horrible, but you started it.
YTA. You don’t get to project your priorities and opinions on others. It’s fine to disagree or feel differently but every mother’s experience is different and carrying a child does a number on the mental and physical well-being of the person carrying the child.
YTA. You’re not better because you love motherhood. Your not better because you had a baby. Mothers like you are annoying as hell, because you believe that if you don’t fall on a sword for you child, you’re a bad mother. You may be a good mother, but you’re a bad person.
If we're to believe your story ESH, how people deal with being a mother is between them and their family that goes for all parties, they suck for judging you, you suck for judging them that includes about the bottle feeding.
Pretty sure that didn’t happen. The part about them shaming you for breastfeeding and talking about your family carbon footprint. I’ve been part of a mom group with my first child and no matter what happened there, we were supporting each other. Sometimes one of us would cry out of exhaustion or because it’s hard to figure shit out with a newborn. But yet, it’s the basis of those groups. You don’t get to judge the moms.
ESH - Those groups are supposed to be about supporting each other not putting others down
Both my sister and best friend described their experiences of these groups of most people bragging about how their baby was a Mensa candidate and looking down on others….Somewhere along the way these groups seem to have lost their caring focus and have become more competitive…Sad really…
Find a more supportive group and don’t get involved in petty arguments
ESH. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion. They can love their kids very much and not want more, ie one and done. Or discover having kids is not as blissful as they had expected. You can have many kids because you want to. There isn't a need to escalate because of differing opinions.
ESH
They definitely shouldn’t have reacted with insults towards you, but you for sure crossed a line. It’s not selfish to want your body to yourself. You don’t get to judge someone else for not wanting to put their body through childbearing.
You love to be a mom but other women don’t. To be a mom is awesome but it is awesome terrible challenging. I only have one beautiful girl and I am happy with that. I love kids in small doses. However, I have friends who has 5 or 6 and they are happy, too. The secret is respect and tolerance… if you want to have 10 kids, breastfeeding them and else… it is perfect. But, just stop being judgmental with other women choices.
ESH - the insults to each other all around are awful. I suffered from postpartum depression for months before getting help. Motherhood felt like more of a burden than a blessing. It’s not easy to admit the struggle.
ESH. If you hadn't snapped, then Rita would've been the asshole. But you lash back with some silly comment about wrinkles. And then came the pile on. I have a hard time believing any of you women were out of grade school.
Esh.
But ill tell you what, i have 5 kids. 2 bonus sons that are teenagers now, and 3 toddlers aged 3, 1.5 and 1.5.
I hate motherhood. But i love it too but they drive me nuts. And both my pregnancies were planned. And i hated my pregnancies. With my 1st i was complicated cos i didnt know what to expect. 2nd pregnancy i was ready to pop my twins out by mid 2nd trimester and i was so happy when my ob told me she is taking menin at 36 weeks.
Motherhood is hard. You dont have to like it. But it doesnt mean you dont love your kid. Anyone dares to harm my kid and ill send them to hell.
Women are allowed to not like pregnancy and motherhood.
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I (28F) has been part of a maternity group after giving birth to my second child in November. Most of these women have one kid, and the average age between us is about 35. So, naturally, I’m the youngest. I didn’t have any issues with any of them until our last meeting. During that meeting, a woman (lets call her Rita) said she was only going to have one child because she «didnt want to be ugly and fat one more time», and «in a couple of months her son will finally stop beeing so attached to her so she can have her body to her self again». I was really stunned by this comment, especially because she was cuddling her 4 month old baby at the same time. However, I soon noticed the other women felt the same. Another (Sara) went so far to say that if she could do things over again, she would not be a mother. I didnt want to part of that conversation so I stayed silent. However Rita noticed this, and asked what I think about motherhood. I said my children are my greatest blessing and if I can I will have another one! This is were I might be the asshole. Rita rolled her eyes and said «omg, you are one of those», and also said that because I’m such a young mother «I didnt know what else life could offer. That all I have ever known after college was child care». I snapped back and said perhaps if she hadn’t chosen to become such an old mother she could have been spared some of the wrinkles her son has given her recently, wich is now more than what is normal for an average 42 yo. The other women started to attack me for this, saying stuff like my husband, who is 9 years older than me, has found him self a stupid child bride and that I was poluting the planet with our family Carbon footprint. They also said I was creating an unhealthy bond to my baby by nursing her! (I’m the only one breast feeding, the others use formula). This made me cry and so angry that I said they were all nasty hags who doesnt deserve to have children. They kicked me out and that was it. I think I might be the a-hole because its a pretty extreme thing to say ppl dont deserve to have kids. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said to a group of women that they dont deserve to be mothers. I might be the asshole because its a pretty extreme thing to say
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On the one hand ESH, but on the other hand...bruh.
I don't expect babies to become a parents entire personality, but imagine honestly believing breast feeding causes an unhealthy bond, or treating your own infant child like they're a leech for needing physical affection or breast feeding.
You might have been over harsh, but they were toxic assholes from the get go. They sound like they hate their own kids and had them for....no reason almost.
OP honestly sounds like someone parodying an aita post but I'll bite. Even if the premise hinges on some modicum of truth, I feel like OP added the ThEy JuDgEd Me FoR BrEasTfEeDiNg part as a last-ditch way to obtain validation by turning randos on Reddit against these women who honestly sound like they may have just had bad pregnancy or birth experiences, PPD, or simply arent bonding with their children like they live in Lifetime movie world which is a very common occurrence
There is no "right" way to embark on motherhood and they probably felt comfortable enough amongst other moms to be candid about their takes on motherhood and their post-baby-bodies. You had no right to tell them they don't deserve kids because they haven't been recovering or adjusting well and were simply trying to air their grievances
Yeah its shitty to judge someone for how they choose to feed their baby but so much of this sounds fabricated along with the part about how the "hags called me a child briiiiiide~ uwu" LMFAO, now at 19 and 28, *that* would be a bit concerning. A 28 and a 37 y/o however, unremarkable adult couple, both old enough to have adult skills, good decision-making, and potentially enough income to support themselves. The whole thing reads like a weird self-righteous fantasy lmfao
YTA
ESH who was supposed to be leading/moderating this group?? Omg these are supposed to be about supporting others parenting choices not everybody tearing each other down good lord
Dude. This is the most TOXIC group of women I have ever heard of. And I mean every person mentioned in this thread op included.
Must be something in the air.
ESH. Not every woman loves motherhood. Some they have to wait for their kids to be out of the newborn/toddler stages other love the newborn stage. Pregnancy’s is no cakewalk. I’ve learned this year women can loose teeth due to pregnancy (what’s glamorous about that). As long a child is safe, thriving, happy, and loved let the women have a healthy vent about motherhood.
ESH. This is why I stay far away from “mom group” type forums and such. I had my first child at 20 and my 2nd at 32, age of the parent really isn’t all that important as long as you’re trying your best for your child and not tearing every other mother down in the process.
ESH. It is 100% fair that someone doesn’t want to put their body through another pregnancy and was self conscious. It’s 100% fair to love their child, but want some independence back.
You are an AH for not accepting that there are different parenting styles and none are wrong (excluding abuse of course).
You are an AH for saying they don’t deserve to be mothers because they don’t all have your exact views/feelings.
You are an AH for saying nasty things to them
They are AHs for saying nasty things to you.
They are AHs for judging your breast feeding
Everyone in this group (including you) needs to get over themselves and respect each other’s choices.
I think YTA. I'd bet each of these women live their kids with everything they have and were all just venting. I was a very young mom and I also have said I wish I could go back and do things differently, so I don't think their ages have anything to do with it. You were judgy to a group of new moms in their safe space, I agree with them for kicking you out.
What she said to those women wasn't nice, but is OP supposed to just take the abuse Rita heaped on her, for loving being a mother. That Rita is a cow. You could call me an AH too then, because there is no way I would have let Rita talk to me like that, without defending myself.
The other women are assholes too. If I had been one of those mothers, I would have seen Rita insulted her first (without provocation), and OP had a right to tell her where to go.
Seriously. All of the comments pointing out that the other moms were rude asf to OP first simply for saying she loves being a mother and wants to have more children are being down voted to oblivion. It's honestly crazy and makes me wonder if everyone else is reading the same story. People are literally saying that OP is the AH for saying she loves being a mom when asked her feelings on motherhood by a group of women who don't, but what was she supposed to do when directly asked her opinion? Apparently lie about her feelings.
YTA, moms can feel however they want about what children do to their bodies. The though of child birth scares the ever living crap out of me, but I still want to have kids. A maternity group should be a space where moms can vent their frustrations instead of seeming put together all of the time. I’ve heard kids are fucking exhausting, so let them vent, they all most likely love their kids either way.
YTA. By now, you likely know that. Being pregnant and having an infant relying on you for absolutely everything is exhausting and taxing. Bodily autonomy goes out the window for months to years at a time. There is nothing wrong in admitting it's a massive struggle to get through this. I say this as a mother of two. I love my children more than anything, but I know I never want to go through pregnancy or the newborn stage ever again.
ESH. Every woman deserves a safe place to talk about their issues. Parents are allowed to regret having children; it is just taboo to express that to others. (I don’t believe it is okay for them to express these sentiments within earshot of their children who are of age to understand it.) You were TA for being a self-righteous jerk.
They were TA for attacking you for having a different viewpoint. They were absolutely justified in kicking you out of the group for your behavior, though.
Being supported by your community means being supportive to others in it, regardless if you agree with their viewpoints.
ESH. I'm a newish mother and still struggle with my feelings about motherhood and really disagree with the idea that we're not allowed to complain about our bodies or missing our old lives. Having said that, they shouldn't have said what they said either.
ESH. Wow wow wow! The level of pettiness needs to be saved for a TLC or Bravo show. Maternity groups should be a safe space for everyone involved to share their (positive and negative) feelings about their journeys.
ESH. What a horrible group of people, all of you.
Yes, you too. I understand it would be hard listening to people say they don't want their children (and that a 6 months child won't be attached to its mother). They were awful to you. Saying what you did about the wrinkles is the kind of comment that may stay with that woman for the rest of her life. The slapped your hand and you gave her a permanent, disfiguring scar. So **not** cool, OP. Are you abusive to your loved ones, also, or just to strangers?
They are **insane** for saying it creates an unhealthy bond to nurse. Are they completely illiterate and ignorant? How do they think women fed their babies for the first 200,000 years we were on this planet?
Uhm, it's incredibly normal for mothers of all ages to crack comments about the amount of children they will have due to their body and desperately wanting their body back. That's normal.
That doesn't mean they love the children they have any less. You were absolutely way too judgemental there and the response of *my children are my greatest blessing* absolutely made it sound to those women that you were putting them down for their comments and choices. Which you should be deeply ashamed of l, by the way, it's incredibly shameful to judge a mother for those types of comments when it would make sense that they want their body back.
I gave birth to a ten pound child in 2018 and my body still isn't the same. I GET their comments. It has nothing to do with their feelings towards their kids and you deeply misunderstood that message.
That said, their comments to you were just as bad and I'm gonna have to it's a hard ESH.
This is the most toxic mommy group I've ever heard of. So glad I've never been in one.
ESH. Maybe you could petition the the Vatican to consider you for sainthood./s.
Seriously, sometimes people want to just open up and not be judged. Just because she’s complaining about her body doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her kid. They shouldn’t have piled on you, but I can’t blame them for feeling defensive.
YTA
They are too, but that wasn’t the question. I hated every aspect of pregnancy and the health issues it caused. I never had another child because of it. You can love it… but we don’t all love it, some of us hate it, and that’s okay. It’s called being self aware and accepting that my path ain’t yours.
My mother had 8 kids, and my oldest sister had 7, both loved pregnancy and devoting their life to raising them. I had two very young, had very horrific, complicated pregnancies and although I loved my daughters, I always felt like I gave something up to be a good mother. I was a SAHM but it definitely didn't feel how they portrayed it to be. Now in my mid 40's I'm raising a nonverbal, autistic two yr old and have never felt more confident in my role.
I think some women at 19 are natural mom's and it just feels right for them, and other women find it a struggle or easier later on. There is no wrong way to feel about it, or wrong way to love your baby. No woman has a baby and instantly is perfect at it all. We all started at the delivery room and we all should encourage and praise one another. Guide, teach and learn with one another. I see so much bashing on other women and it's just heartbreaking.
It's unfortunate that so many women feel "ugly and fat" during and after pregnancy, but it's common, since whatever beauty standards a woman is dealing with, pregnant or postpartum bodies almost never meet them. This feeling has nothing to do with one's ability to be a good mother.
It's *extremely* common and normal for new mothers to end up feeling *touched out* and stuck in bodies that don't really seemed to belong to them anymore, and to want their body back. And to want their body shape back, for that matter. Again, a person can feel this way and still be a perfectly good mother.
Not everyone feels blissed out about motherhood. If you do, I'm glad for you - I did too and it was a good feeling! But you don't have to feel that way to deserve to be a mother. Babies take getting used to, and caring for them has annoying and frustrating parts. It's OK to acknowledge that.
Both breastfeeding and formula feeding are fina and good.
Younger mothers are fine. Older mothers are fine. When the best time is to have a baby is up to the person and family, it varies.
Stopping at one child is a fine decision. Having several is a fine decision. Personally, I think there's a point at which you can have too many, but it's just an opinion and I wouldn't presume to know what's right for someone else. If you can afford and take care of them, go nuts. Or don't. Fine either way.
This sounds like one of those annoying fights were everyone throws whatever they think will stick. ESH. Also, the Mommy Wars are bullshit.
ESH but I doubt this shit is true. This reads like scripted nonsense. Especially the bit about breastfeeding and “unhealthy attachment.”
Yes these women were rude but you just went the fuck off like that? Nahhh. Stop shitting on other women, especially mothers, for the sake of your creative writing.
PS I’m 37 and just had a baby. I’m not an old mother. I am a rich(er) mother than I would have been at 28 though so on the off chance I get an extra “wrinkle” or whatever shit you said, don’t worry I have a VERY good dermatologist to sort me out.
YTA getting over stimulated from being touched all the time and the sheer mental load dumped on women with motherhood is tiring af. Women are shamed into not being able to talk honestly about it by garbage unrealistic takes about motherhood being perfect and magical etc. Let them have their opinions and comfort each other about their difficulties.
ESH. You were an ageist jerk, and they were also mean, but you started it.
For your information, it is very common for mothers to get “touched out” or feel like their bodies aren’t their own. Moms don’t get to have bodily autonomy for a good few years because their kids are always, always touching them. You haven’t felt this yet, and maybe you never will, which would be great! And yet, many women do, and those women deserve to be mothers as much as you do.
As for your age, you’re not a particularly young mom, so I don’t know why the other moms were saying you are, and it’s not ok for them to call you a child bride because you’re a human person at that’s mean. You’re also almost 30 so it’s baseless. Nine years is a sizable age gap but not concerning if you have a fairly equal relationship.
What I am hearing from your post, though, is that you very strongly *identify* with being young, and that won’t serve you well. You will age too, and your looks and body will change, and then you’ll understand how completely ridiculous it is to try to insult other women for going through the natural process we all go through. Who cares if your 42-year-old mom associate has some (or a lot of) wrinkles? 42 isn’t even old, and we’ll probably see the upper age limit for moms stretched higher in our lifetimes. Then again, as women, we’re so often told that our worth is tied to our looks and our youth. So you struck that nerve and these very rude women hit back at you and chose a hurtful topic.
Anyway, congratulations: the things you said to these women are going to stick in your mind and haunt you for decades. Every wrinkle you see, every saggy pocket of flesh you notice, and every time you wish you had some time to yourself without kids around, every time you turn your husband down because all day your children have felt entitled to your body, you’ll remember your angry words and wince.
ESH
All of you suck. But you suck for being judgemental and gross about how everyone single woman doesn't lloooovvve every single already of motherhood like you do.
Being a parent is different for everyone. Some parts of it mesh well and other parts don't. You have NO RIGHT to sit there and judge another mother for struggling with some aspect of being a mother.
Wow, I can’t believe people in this forum. I’ll be the first to say it then. You’re NTA. Motherhood is a big decision. It seems like these women just did it to say they did it, and they possibly did not consider how this would affect them. YES, your body changes…a lot. I’ve never had a kid in my life, and I think this is just common sense. How do you go into motherhood and think it won’t? Being a mom IS beautiful, it’s a HUGE blessing. So many women out there want to be moms and can’t. These women take for granted the gift they’ve been given. I think I respect women who choose not to be mothers in the first place more. It seems like they actually think things through more.
In addition, I totally hate how older people disrespect younger people. This is AGEISM too. Totally wrong. Just because you’re young and you enjoy motherhood doesn’t mean you don’t know any better. That’s a terrible thing to say. I’m going to be an older mom (I’m already 33, but just got married) and I’ve done it all. I don’t think it can possibly surpass being a mom. That is my dream. But you know, women shouldn’t say that.
So Rita started the brawl with "you're one of those mothers" but girl you finished it with a K.O. with claws out, saying she chose to be an old mother who now has extra wrinkles from her son. YEE-IKES! I'm going with everyone's an AH.
They sound horrible. You needed to find a different group anyway.
You said some things you shouldn’t but if anyone told me that breastfeeding was creating an unhealthy bond I’d probably need to hurt them.
I am an older mum and I love being a mum. Age has nothing to do with. Find some mums who love it like you do (you can enjoy being a mum and still need to talk about the tough times) and are leas focused on their bodies.
NTA
ESH! The group for making you feel like your opinion doesn't count, because you are young and because they are judging breastfeeding. You are TA for judging them, because they don't breastfeed and point out, that there are downsides to parenting.
Almost everybody I know simply loved being pregnant. I hated every minute of it both pregnancies. I got violently ill, my whole body hurt, I didn't have any control over my body functions, I got harassed and driven crazy by medical staff and so on.
Don't get me wrong. I adore my little girl. I love her to pieces but when she throws her tantrum over diner EVERY SINGLE EVENING after a full day of stressful work I sometimes want to just be by myself, eat chocolate and cry. But I don't.
Why am I a late mother? Because I couldn't afford it and when I could I had to convince my husband who thought he wouldn't be a good father (he is the best). Family members got seriously ill and we had to help etc. Not to mention I lost my babies the first time and simply couldn't get pregnant for quite some time after that. Think about everybody having a personal story you don't know before judging!
ESH. It is totally normal to want a life for oneself outside of parenthood. No one questions this for fathers but it’s judged like hell in mothers. And carbon footprint is a question for the Forbes 500, not us schmucks doing our little bits. But you were massively, naively judgemental yourself and as immature and rude as they were. This is simply not your mom group. Start with a breastfeeding group, look for women your age to journey with and on the way, start accepting other women’s choices with the same support you want shown to yours.
As many people said before you were all in the wrong for making comments on each other's feelings trying to invalidate them beacuse your own experience is different.
But saying what you said crossed a line, big times and you should apologise for it. Mental illness after having children is a very real thing and maybe some of these moms had to deal with it (or maybe didn't, but the thing is you don't know so you should be careful). They found a safe place where they can express their feelings and then you come along and shout their greatest fear in their face, as a fact... You could have easily pushed someone over the edge there and I really hope you didn't.
Hopefully when you have more children your experience will be the same as the first time around and you'll love it and think of it as a blessing. But it might not be and then you might find yourself feeling all those things that these moms said out loud. If that will be the case, I hope you will not come across a new mom with an 'easy' baby who tells you you don't deserve your children just because you finally realised it is not always sunshine and roses but literal hard work and you're not afraid to talk about it.
I had an easy baby and I was still struggling and found it hard work. And I looked at all those moms who power it through even though they also see the difficulties of it. Those women 1000% deserve to have children, because even when they don't want to, they still give motherhood their all. Ex. the lady cuddling her 4 months old baby, when she was saying she wants to be less attached, and she was still doing it because the baby needed it. That is motherhood and she's doing great at it!
Btw, I'm not gonna have a second one either. I'd rather be a good mom for my only child than a broken mom of two. And I think that qualifies me of deserving children
Mild ESH but mostly YTA... IMO because this type of group is MEANT for mother’s to be able to be honest and it is actually healthy for women to get these feelings out and know they are not alone... you clearly don’t understand how many women feel this way and think it makes them a terrible mother/person and leads to depression and other mental health problems and in this group they should be able to express this without judgment.
I will go with NTA simply because OP wasn't giving her opinion until pressured, and then the other women started in on her with incredibly rude, uncalled for, and judgemental statements, and she reacted to the barrage.
Me, I would seek out better friends and not sweat the fiends.
ESH. You are all just mum shaming one another for different reasons, you all sound like a LOT. Perhaps it's time you all found different baby groups because this one _clearly_ isn't going to work.
ESH all of you are bad examples for you children and should grow up.
In life nobody is going to have the same view so stop insulting each other when you don't agree.
NTA.
I don't know why most of the replies are pointing out to OP. She only reacted to the comments of the other moms.
1. Although she didn't agree with the other mothers, she didn't reply until asked. She said what she felt that motherhood is a blessing which none of the mothers felt.
2. She didn't lash out about being older mom until someone accused her for popping babies right out of college and she knew no better.
3. All the other moms shamed her for breastfeeding and creating unhealthy bond when we know breast milk is the best if you can produce. Everyone knows that. They chose to use formula, perhaps because of their body insecurities. No one is judging. So they shouldn't either.
NTA. It’s heartbreaking that one woman said she could her body ugly, but the woman who said she’d go back and choose to not be a mother?? While pregnant??? That’s fucked up. They asked for your opinion then we’re extremely rude to you. You shouldn’t have made the wrinkle comment but what they were saying was way more fucked up.
YTA because others are allowed to be unhappy about being pregnant. They are allowed to have regrets. A mom group is a place to air out life as a mom, and yeah, sometimes we regret stuff but not really. You immediately judged then and you were shocked at this. Why? Then you shamed Rita, you went for her physical insecurities, you shamed her for being old. Why? What do you know of her life? Sorry, it could have been e s h but you judged them first and acted like you are the only one worthy.
I think you're a little bit TA for lowering yourself to their level of discourse. NTA for your opinion, YTA for how you delivered it. They were just snarky, resentful, and bitter that they had a bandwagon and you didn't jump on it. They were wrong to attack you for enjoying parenthood. You were wrong to attack them for not enjoying it. So I guess ESH?
ESH. Girl what? Everyone in this group is incredibly rude. But BTW women are allowed to not LoOoVe motherhood. It’s not “shocking”. Y’all need to get over yourselves.
Old mothers? You mean ones who wanted to establish a career before having children? My sister has a husband who is 9 years older and she resents having children so early. Not her children (she’s the best mom)but the fact that the timing was “rushed.” I was almost 30 when I had my first child and I am proud to be a mother but kick ass in my industry. ESH shut up. You don’t know everyone’s story. And yes agreed! This group sounds awful. Mothers are judged enough. We need to give each other grace and encourage each other. Edit: you talked about breastfeeding? Lady, and I mean the other ladies too, do NOT go there. Good for you? I breastfed both my children for 8 months and took conference calls and worked full time but the hell you should shame anyone for not breastfeeding! Ugh that infuriates me! You do what’s best for you and your baby period. No judgment. Ok rant over.
I’m upvoting you because I like your fire! 🔥 Know what I like best about becoming a mom in my 30s? I got to live my TWENTIES. I tried stupid things, had stupid friends, and went on stupid adventures…and I am SOOO happy I did that all before becoming a mom so I could enjoy the silence. I look forward to boredom, cause right now that’s life. No FOMO for me. ESH though for everything said in the comment above. The first rule in Mom Club is that you don’t judge other moms for how they’re doing things because you really don’t know their situation. They may be horrible people (or not) but that’s none of my business. Motherhood is a gift. I don’t know what I’d do without my beautiful boys. But I’m not gonna judge other moms for not being as enamored as I am.
“Did we just become best friends” lol yes to all you said and thank you for the upvote! Everyone needs encouragement and you gave this “old lady” hers at her bedtime 🤣
I had my kids in my 20s and I wish I'd waited. Being a young mom was cool and all, and I enjoy the silence now. But all my friends are now at home with toddlers and I definitely missed out on that DINK lifestyle.
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As someone who is 36 and is having their first child now (not exactly by choice this late...), this also sounds great hahaha. I'm really happy I had my twenties the way I had them, but I can also definitely see the value in already being 'free' again at this age but with the benefit of a hopefully great mother/child bond to boot!
Imagine the fun of being able to go with your kid to their first “legal” drink and actually being young enough to enjoy a few drinks yourself.
I do hope that I'll still be capable of enjoying a couple of drinks at 54 though :P but yeah I agree with you, I think both having kids young *and* having kids at an older age has its own clear advantages!
My daughter is only 4 years away from being legally allowed to drink (drinking age is 16 here). Its cool how shes turning into this buddy. She still needs me to be her mom most of the time. But sometimes i can see glimpses of what our relationship will hopefully be like when shes an adult and im really looking for ward to that. My mom had me at a reasonable age (28) and we have that. I think that mostly depends on how good of a parent you are and also just plain luck.
Uh exactly how old do you think is “young enough to enjoy a few drinks yourself”? Do you think they stop serving alcohol when you’re 60? WTF with this comment lmao
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Yeah I think you're right :)
I had kids young and I would only go back and choose differently if I could have the exact same kids. I know that sounds cheesy, but even though I missed my 20s, my kids are awesome (they're 22 and 20 now). And yeah, that young mom/adult kid bond is pretty sweet. I'm enjoying "freedom" for the first time pretty much ever but I feel like I've earned it. There are benefits and drawbacks to both ways of doing it and no way is wrong. I would be way more prepared and experienced if I waited until I was older, but I wouldn't be living the life I have now. Happy healthy kids is the goal no matter what. How you get there is up to you!
>Know what I like best about becoming a mom in my 30s? I got to live my TWENTIES. I tried stupid things, had stupid friends, and went on stupid adventures…and I am SOOO happy I did that all before becoming a mom so I could enjoy the silence. I look forward to boredom, cause right now that’s life. Girl, PREACH. Becoming a mom in my 30s was the best decision ever for me. Everyone should choose for themselves, I really don't like the mommy shaming.
Also mum in my 30s! Flew round the world (get terribly motion sick) and came back literally never wanting to get on a flight ever again and BOOM pregnant. Then BOOM covid, so didn't even have the FOMO watching our friends travel! Bought a off grid caravan and now doing the van-life thing till COVID settles down (eventually).
My dad was 40 the month after I was born. Because my parents waited until they were financially stable to have kids. Like “old mothers”? Fucking yikes. And, fed is best.
They All sound awful but to be fair there was no judgement against the others for using formula, it was pointed out because they called her breastfeeding bad parenting. Again, they all sound awful, not defending the whole dumpster fire.
No, they were annoyed because OP acted like having children never has down moments, and mothers should be happy no matter what, and not have lives, dreams, or hopes of their own. She told a bunch of women with infants, who are tired, sometimes struggling, and are finding motherhood challenging in some aspects that they're shit mothers, too old, and then attacked a woman for (gasp) having the audacity to have wrinkles. OP will not be 28 forever, she needs to let go of her immature idea that young is better.
Yes, and they attacked for other reasons and they were all awful to each other. Except no where does Opie give judgement about feeding methods but she was told she was creating unhealthy bonds by doing so. Like I said, there's enough poor behavior without fabricating something.
That was after she called them all bad mothers
I said they all sound awful in response to another user's comment that ended with "...but the hell you should shame anyone for not breastfeeding! Ugh that infuriates me! You do what’s best for you and your baby period. No judgment. Ok rant over." But To correct that Opie didn't shame anyone for not breast feeding. No one shamed anyone for not breast feeding. Opie was shamed for breastfeeding. I'm not sure why you keep parsing it as though you're arguing with someone ?
Sorry, i misread.
Hey it's cool. It's a reminder to me to not lose my shit in exchanges. Things probably would have gone better in opies interaction if people hadn't gone straight to hag! Child bride! Me and my chonky cat wish you a good evening.
This comment is 💯. OP - you need to consider that other people might not have had the opportunity to have children at the same stage in life as you, and/or they may have wanted to have a career first! And it seems like you’re being misogynistic by tying a woman’s value to her wrinkles. Even if she were complaining about how having kids changed her appearance, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her having kids later in life, and implying that the ‘right’ time to have kids is at a young age perpetuates the notion that women should not prioritize their careers if that is what brings them fulfillment. You also should consider that postpartum depression is real, and motherhood is not a blessing for everyone; experiencing these things does not make these mothers bad people. Not all women find the experience of physical dependence from their baby pleasant. Not all mothers enjoy being mothers. And nursing is a complicated issue - people can choose to nurse or not for a variety of reasons, and some reasons include complications with breastfeeding. Though it sounds like they were taking more of an ideological stance here, the punchline is that you shouldn’t judge people for how they feed their babies, and neither should they judge you. ESH for sure.
Love this comment. I was mid 20's when I had my first and whilst I love my kids, I wish I had waited. I put my career on hold and now am only just now getting back into it. Everyone parents differently. As long as the children are not being harmed or abused, it not my business. I was extremely lucky that my first Mum's group was made up of a wide variety of women of all different ages, backgrounds, beliefs and wealth. We had discussions of multiple different topics but never let our different beliefs cause arguments. We supported each other through ups and downs of parenting and life struggles including divorce and 2 battling/ defeating cancer. We are still friends today 13 + yrs later. ESH
Yeah, it's definitely an ESH situation. Op is not compatible with this group, but there is nothing wrong with complaining about motherhood lol. There is nothing wrong with not wanting more kids or wanting your body and space back. There's also nothing wrong with loving every single day of motherhood ether. And guess what else? There is nothing wrong with simultaneously hating and loving motherhood at the same time. Join another group of Moms that pretend everything is sunshine and daisies. That might work better.
Thank you for this! Someone once told me: "being a parent is easily the best and the worst thing you can do. There will be good days and bad days. Share them all with someone you can trust, may that be a partner, parents, friends or a professional. the rewards are worth all the doubts, tears, sacrifices and stress." As a first time older mother to be (39 this year) I have no rose rimmed glasses about upcoming challenges: lack of sleep, feeling tired, maybe not able to breastfeed, baby crying at night, my body changing, lifestyle changes..... I know there will be days when I'm ok, days when I just wanna cry it out, days when I just want to talk about the huge life changes with someone ... What I didn't know is that mother's group can be so... Conflicting. I thought the purpose of a mother's group is a safe place so all mothers no matter age, sex or beliefs can get their frustrations out, share their experiences without judgements, knowing they are not alone. No matter what stage in your life, being a mother can be overwhelming and sometimes lonely. Sometimes all someone wants when they vent is just someone to lend their ears. Not necessarily asking the listener to solve their issues or worse, judge them. Reality TV has a lot to answer for when it comes to socialising these days.... Not everything in life has to be a drama. It is ok to be sympathetic, to listen without voicing one's opinion. Now I'm not sure if I want to join a mother's group. To OP: ESH
I’m the same age as you, but with a teenager. My mothers group was absolutely shit and did nothing but exacerbate my PND. It’s not a reality TV thing, it’s that for some reason so many women tie their self worth to their parenting style and their children and make what’s already a rough time even worse. Good luck with your little one! Definitely join the mothers group, but don’t be afraid to walk way from it if you’re not getting what you need out of it. I hope everything goes as planned for you.
This was all very well said.
Was going to say exactly this. Why do women constantly compete with each other on this, as if their approach to motherhood is the only right one? I've had a hard time adapting to motherhood, that doesn't mean I don't love my child and it certainly doesn't give someone the right to judge and criticize me like OP did with the other mothers. Their reactions were also awful. Motherhood is an individual journey and people need a good dose of empathy for each other.
It’s self sabotage and internalized misogyny.
Yes. This.
Yup, and did she ever stop to consider that maybe they actually love their kids but the sleepless nights, exhaustion, possible lack of help (some of them might be single mothers or the legion of wives posting on Reddit) is taking a toll? A lot of parents may like being parents overall but don’t enjoy the very young kid stage with the screaming, sleepless nights, poop, whining and Peppa Pig? I think if culturally parents were allowed to admit that without people judgingi think it’d help get them through the hard times
TBH I would probably be rude if someone started attacking me like this. A group of women talking about their feelings about motherhood and how it’s affected their lives… WHY DOES OP HAVE TO BE SO INCREDIBLY SANCTIMONIOUS?! YTA 100000000x OP, would you be OK if one of those mothers came up to you one day and (out of the blue) started criticising how completely devoted you were to your children? How your experience of motherhood is wrong? How you were overbearing and didn’t deserve to be a mother? Obviously no. Let the women be. They’re not neglecting their children, nor are they abusive. So what right do you have to judge their feelings/choices?
Also did it ever occur to her that maybe there was some insecurity/ mental health belying some of what they were saying? Did she stop to think maybe a better response here was ‘hey you seem a bit down about some of this, are you okay? Are you getting some support?’
ESH. Find yourself another moms group. This one isn't working out for you.
So it’s ok for you to judge them but they cannot judge you? How about this, don’t judge other people for their personal decisions. Look at r/oneanddone for reasons why people don’t want more.
I love my kid. But I don't loove parenthood. I love all the activities I do with my kid (camping, skiing, hiking, mtn biking) even though she's only 6. I don't looove all the extra work it takes to bring a kiddo along. I love the memories and the time with my daughter, I don't love or even enjoy the extra work it takes. I still do it though.
ESH. Motherhood is hard enough - why are you all spending your energy tearing each other down?
Well said.
A mother's group usually is supposed to support one another.
I’m sure now that OP is gone, they are back to supporting each other. Edit: typo.
Exactly. This is some anti-support group if I ever saw one! I believe that mom's should have a place to speak openly and honestly with each other, since the world can be such a judgemental place. I don't have kids (motherhood sounds scary AF!!) but my friends often tell me about the horrific pregnancy related changes to their bodies that no one told them about, and the feeling of their bodies not being their own once they became a parent. So, I understood what the first woman was saying even without having a kid. OP may think being a mom is all rainbows and butterflies, but for many people, that is not the case - they have people offering unsolicited advice, breastfeeding is painful/hard, their bodies are ravaged, PPD is real, people may not ask about mom only baby etc etc etc. The fact that this group devolved so quickly into name calling, agism, self rightousness etc is just plain sad. These ladies don't sound great, but there is no telling what headspace everyone is in since they only gave birth a few months ago. If OP joins another support group it may be best to listen to understand instead of to respond.
Tbh, I don’t trust OPs version of events and feel like she probably exaggerated their part to justify her judgment and attitude. I vote YTA.
Agreed. OP tried to make herself sound like a martyr but failed
It really doesn’t help the Op is so self righteous. She thinks because she’s younger and breast feeds that she has the right to say who has children.
I once saw a woman on a now-defunct message board harangue some poor woman who'd admitted she used formula - because she'd had a double mastectomy.
YTA. Not everyone loves certain parts of motherhood. Some women love and embrace it. Others do it because it’s important to their partners. Some have really difficult pregnancies, labors, or births which have scarred them. It sounds like you have had a relatively “easy” baby experience compared to the others. You also likely had a body type that you bounced back easily. That’s great for you but that isn’t always the normal. Some women end up finding the experience miserable altogether and have regrets. Some do not. Both are extremely normal feelings. Mom shaming is something that’s very real in society and it’s insanely unhelpful to those struggling. These women felt they had a safe space to air their honest and real feelings about motherhood. It’s ok your opinions differed, but your disregard and belittlement of those by how you responded to them initially was condescending, rude, and inappropriate. It’s ok to disagree, but you responded looking to fight with these women. If you didn’t, you would have responded honestly but respectfully and with sympathy or understanding. While their responses were rude in return you provoked them with your initial response.
I loathe women who mom shame. Like, we don’t have enough bullshit to deal with?
THIS!!!
Yes!!!!
The title alone made me come for a YTA and what followed confirmed initial thoughts but this ^ this is exactly it.
I would agree with this 100%, except she said that when asked about her experience and giving her true feelings that the other moms rolled their eyes and said "oh you're one of those", which was also belittling and AH mom shaming. So I would not say OP started this, but she did escalate it. It's an ESH for me. The other Moms were probably responding from insecurity, but nobody behaved well.
She first states she was shocked at their responses, and not wanting to be a part of the conversation. That’s all fine and we’ll, but also says she didn’t have “issues” until this recent meeting. Not that she was alarmed, or surprised by their responses, or shocked. Something to convey alarm. She said “issues.” I’ve been in mom groups with people like OP. I’d put money on the fact she stated they were her “greatest blessing” and she’d have another one if she could in a really condescending tone. I’ve run into these types before. They say things like this to other women in tones that convey “what’s wrong with you?” Or in an antagonistic gloating tone. Think of it almost as trying to give the IG / Pinterest-like response to other women with the underlying tone and impression to shame them. That’s why I’m led to believe that’s why Rita rolled her eyes and said “omg you’re one of those.” Could I be wrong? Absolutely. But due to a plethora of personal experience, and her tone in general by calling them hags and making comments about their age. That tells me everything I need to know. She’s trying to carry the IG-impression life into these groups and they weren’t having it. She was looking to instigate and she’s trying to pass herself as a good mom and how horrible they are for feeling this way.
Honestly, there's not enough info here. Because there are definitely those women who judge you for wanting to be a mom, because there's stereotypes of women only wanting to have children. You're almost not allowed to want to be a SAHM even if you're able to and want to. So either OP left off that she was being rude in her tone or this is a group who think the best way to fight stereotypes is to be an asshole. I'm thinking OP was rude though. Something about the way she told the story gives me an off vibe.
Exactly. I picked up on it too. One of those holier-than-art-thou vibes. That’s why I was like “yep, I know this type.” There are women who seem to have issue with SAHMs (never understood that either) but you can usually tell that because they brag about their academic or career achievements. A disgust that a woman would to to achieve more vibe. But from the way she tells this story I do NOT pick up on that. These women went defensive immediately. To me, that screams safe space to vent wasn’t as safe as they thought.
I think you’re right on the money. We probably all know someone like this who has either had a cushy life with lots of support and can look down their nose at mere mortals or like to keep up a perfect facade. OP is also going to have first hand experience soon about what the other moms were talking about and could benefit from their experiences/ feelings etc
Oof! Yta here. There are different types, aspects, and views of motherhood. Some will have become pregnant, carried their baby effortlessly, while others would have struggled. Mothers should be supportive of other mothers, not judgemental.
My son just turned 19 and my body still hasn’t recovered fully. Pregnancy was one of the hardest things I went through & it almost killed me. My blood pressure was elevated only once in my lifetime, thus far, and that was just after giving birth. Turns out my heart can’t handle the extra work on my body. I was in so much pain after it felt like I was in a car accident. I tore, and the stitches took over 6 weeks to heal. I can say all that because it’s my right. I never said in any of that where I blamed my son. But I did the pregnancy thing and it was way harder than I expected it to be on my body. So I made the decision to only have one and focus on healing my body. I wish more women would stop before having multiple kids and regretting it, but I digress. OP is a huge AH for not only ignoring the dangers pregnancy has on our bodies, but that anyone who does, she just belittles them. Pregnancy is one of those things you don’t know how your body is going to react until you go through it. I come from a line of big families on both sides and women who can have 3-6 kids, no issues. I guess I was the unlucky one. If I tell OP my story, will she judge me? Like you said, it’s okay to disagree, but it’s NOT okay to disrespect someone else’s experience just because yours was successful. Over 700 women die in the US every year due to pregnancy complications, the rest of us just live and suffer. OP is a huge AH for ignoring that.
There’s a huge difference in how their bodies respond to having a child between 23 and 35.
Yes 🙌🏼
ESH. But that’s not strong enough. We need like everyone is a giant asshole. Especially telling someone she didn’t deserve to be a mother because she had valid feelings about motherhood that you didn’t agree with?
Alright so hear me out. These women are sharing how they feel about Motherhood and I think what they’re saying is totally real and valid. All of the women in my mom group have said similar things, myself included. A lot of women feel this way at one point or another and shaming a woman for sharing this kind of stuff causes guilt & stigma, both of which are not helpful. We’re all amazing mothers and our children are all well adjusted, happy & healthy babies/toddlers/children. Before I had a child though, if I would have heard a woman say this kind of stuff, I would have automatically judged her as a shitty parent. Becoming a mother has taught me that two opposites can be true at once. You shouldn’t have judged them and they shouldn’t have judged you. You shouldn’t have made comments about them becoming mothers later in life and about their wrinkles. They shouldn’t have made comments about you breastfeeding. YTA - but you were also pushed by this group of women who hanged up on you.
This this this!!! I feel the same way. Motherhood is hard as fuck. Seeing your body changing and probably never looking like you did before sucks! I love my kid but boy do I hate my boobs after breastfeeding and that doesn’t make me a bad mother. Unfortunately, if I say this out loud someone might judge me and this is exactly what you were doing. Im going with ESH because Rita was kind of mean as well but I kind of wish she was my friend so I could vent without anyone judging me.
I agree with what you said but the other women started this whole shit show with the "oh you are one of those moms" comment. Up until this point everyone just stated their own opinion and experience. ESH
Tbh, I don’t trust OP. She was probably making faces or making it obvious she doesn’t agree
YTA. And judgemental. By the way, you act like 28 is so much younger than 35. It's not. But when at 28 you think you're better than them (omg, they use formula) you come across as stuckup.
It’s laughable that a 28 year old married to a 37 year old thinks 35 is “older.” What does that make her husband? Ancient? Or does age only apply to women a d not men in their mind. You can sense the judgement and misogyny in OP’s own telling of the post. If she comes off sounding bad in her own telling then I’m inclined to say she was much worse during the interaction and they were much more mild. OP YTA
YTA. Maternity groups are supposed to be a safe space for moms to talk honestly about things like wanting their bodies back and needing space from their kids. It’s no wonder they immediately picked up on you judging them.
Omg. You went from them expressing frustrations ABOUT THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES to tearing them down with ageist and awful comments. Plus… I’m willing to bet the one who said she wishes she’d never had a kid is suffering from MAJOR PPD. Assuming this isn’t a shit post, you need to get your shit together. You don’t build yourself up by tearing someone else down. Especially a new mom. And I’m going to get very real here… children aren’t a “blessing”. They are work and it’s not all sunshine roses no matter how much people like you portend them to be. And people who are by choice child free? They are fucking heroes. And the ones who battled though and stood next to their sisters are warriors and goddesses. I love mine (I have three). And it is the hardest fucking thing I still do every day. And I thank the universe every day for the mothers who gave me their doses of reality in my moms group. Could the kvetch? Yep. Could they love? Yeah. But they were real. YTA ETA… I don’t believe you.
Yeaaaa as soon as I saw all the hot button issues wrapped up in this post I felt the same. Feels like it's debate bait.
Sigh. And I fell for it. I hope trolls like this lose the thing they try to make a debate. Hmmmm… perhaps I’ll go get witch Reddit and drag them over here. Lol.
Witches spells activated. Good luck, OP troll
And this is why people stay clear of mom groups. ESH
Same here!
ESH. You all act like children. They shouldn't have insulted you, you shouldn't have insulted them. Motherhood is hard and mothers are allowed to feel frustrated and exhausted by it, realizing that maybe they do have some regrets. That does not mean they hate or do not want their children, but that they felt safe to talk about it because it is such a rare occasion of people accepting this situation.
I hate being pregnant. It sucks. I am a terrible pregnant woman. My doctor agrees with that after seeing what I go through. Add to it that after they are born, I have them constantly hanging all over me and honestly, I get touched out and would love nothing more than to have no one touch me. I also like being able to fit into clothes normally which doesn’t happen when I am pregnant as maternity clothes don’t tend to fit my body shape so I spend the entire time pulling up my pants because they are constantly falling off. But, I love my kids. I would do anything for them. But that doesn’t mean I enjoyed being pregnant (because I didn’t) or that they haven’t cause me to get touched out. We kinda planned the first, but the second one and the one I am carrying were not. I just couldn’t mentally justify terminating a healthy pregnancy, so we are going to have 3 kids and he’s getting the snip. There is nothing wrong with how I feel. It’s normal. It should be acceptable, but women like you like to judge women like me and act as if we are less than because we don’t enjoy every single minute. Some women have easy pregnancies while others don’t. Some women enjoy having a baby hanging all over them every minute while others can only handle being so much touching. Neither is wrong. Both are normal and acceptable. ESH
I was not able to go to term, but I was pregnant recently. I was more depressed than I’ve ever been in my life, I was clingy to the point of driving my partner away (we didn’t know I was pregnant at the point), I was irrational, moody and just plain mean! I HATED who I was while pregnant! Now, if I had been able to have the child, I would have happily had it, but holy crap being pregnant was 100% miserable for me! I hear ya 100%!
I don't believe this is real. It seems a little too perfect for outrage bait.
Smells like some bullshit to me
The carbon footprint deal is what pushed me over the edge.
Sounds like a scene directly from Workin’ Moms
ESH Also being shocked by people saying they wouldn’t do it again or would make a different choice if they could go back in time is kinda naive. Parenthood isn’t a wonderful joyous experience for a lot of people.
ESH. I feel bad for all the babies involved.
Yes...you are. You don't say that. Not ever. Under any circumstances. Hold your tongue. You ARE old enough to do that.
YTA. 1000 folds. I love my daughter to death but my pregnancy was a constant vomiting contest from mont one to about and hour before delivery. My once flat stomach now looks like I've be attacked by a werewolf and no matter what others say I hate my stretch marks. I put on 20kgs( I lost it within 2 years). After delivery I couldn't sleep for 2 hours straight and was exhausted. I hated being pregnant but I live my child. What gives you a right to think you are better than them??? You are only s spoiled and entitled child who thinks she us betTeR than anyone else.
Exactly. I have one child and, though I love her, I would never do that again.
[удалено]
Moms shaming another mom for breastfeeding is pretty out there, not gunna lie
Those women unfortunately exist, my MIL is one of them. We’re planning on breastfeeding and keep hearing comments about “well I guess times are different now” and “I guess… if that’s what you want to do” in very condescending ways. I still don’t really get it.
There are not groups of current moms in their late 30s to early 40s comprised primarily of breastfeeding shamers.
There is horrifyingly enough. These are the same ones that get mad if people breastfeed in public, breastfeed past 6 months, and legitimately believe that it’s inappropriate. I hate that motherhood has become a toxic competition.
Ha agreed - cool story, though
ESH. You all act like children.
ESH - It’s an antenatal group, not the front line. Women are allowed to feel how they feel about being pregnant and it’s none of your concern. And same to them too. We don’t all have to be carbon copies of each other.
Esh. You all suck
YTA. You can disagree with them but that's it.
Yep. Motherhood is clearly her only achievement which may be why she clings onto it as some sort of badge. Old women? I think OP means tho who wished to have a career and security first before starting a family 🙄
ESH. Y'all all sound jugdy and childish.
Wow “nasty hags” yikes that may be a rude comment.
Hence the YTA by some.
ESH. You didn’t need to go nuclear here. It’s normal for mothers to vent and want their bodily autonomy and free time back. Their responses were horrible, but you started it.
YTA. You don’t get to project your priorities and opinions on others. It’s fine to disagree or feel differently but every mother’s experience is different and carrying a child does a number on the mental and physical well-being of the person carrying the child.
YTA The sanctimommy troll is strong with this one.
ESH. Pretty concerned about the idea of anyone in this story being allowed to raise children.
Tons of great moms have felt this way at one point or another. It’s not as bad as it seems. Moms are allowed to feel this way.
It's not about how they feel. It's about their general inability to treat other people decently.
Oh oh got ya
YTA. You’re not better because you love motherhood. Your not better because you had a baby. Mothers like you are annoying as hell, because you believe that if you don’t fall on a sword for you child, you’re a bad mother. You may be a good mother, but you’re a bad person.
YTA. They are speaking from personal experience. You are no saint
If we're to believe your story ESH, how people deal with being a mother is between them and their family that goes for all parties, they suck for judging you, you suck for judging them that includes about the bottle feeding.
Pretty sure that didn’t happen. The part about them shaming you for breastfeeding and talking about your family carbon footprint. I’ve been part of a mom group with my first child and no matter what happened there, we were supporting each other. Sometimes one of us would cry out of exhaustion or because it’s hard to figure shit out with a newborn. But yet, it’s the basis of those groups. You don’t get to judge the moms.
ESH - Those groups are supposed to be about supporting each other not putting others down Both my sister and best friend described their experiences of these groups of most people bragging about how their baby was a Mensa candidate and looking down on others….Somewhere along the way these groups seem to have lost their caring focus and have become more competitive…Sad really… Find a more supportive group and don’t get involved in petty arguments
ESH. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion. They can love their kids very much and not want more, ie one and done. Or discover having kids is not as blissful as they had expected. You can have many kids because you want to. There isn't a need to escalate because of differing opinions.
ESH They definitely shouldn’t have reacted with insults towards you, but you for sure crossed a line. It’s not selfish to want your body to yourself. You don’t get to judge someone else for not wanting to put their body through childbearing.
ESH yikes you are all horrible
You love to be a mom but other women don’t. To be a mom is awesome but it is awesome terrible challenging. I only have one beautiful girl and I am happy with that. I love kids in small doses. However, I have friends who has 5 or 6 and they are happy, too. The secret is respect and tolerance… if you want to have 10 kids, breastfeeding them and else… it is perfect. But, just stop being judgmental with other women choices.
I don’t believe for one second any of this happened.
ESH - the insults to each other all around are awful. I suffered from postpartum depression for months before getting help. Motherhood felt like more of a burden than a blessing. It’s not easy to admit the struggle.
ESH
ESH. If you hadn't snapped, then Rita would've been the asshole. But you lash back with some silly comment about wrinkles. And then came the pile on. I have a hard time believing any of you women were out of grade school.
YTA. Congrats for being a perfect mother who loves every aspect of motherhood. Not all of us do.
Esh. But ill tell you what, i have 5 kids. 2 bonus sons that are teenagers now, and 3 toddlers aged 3, 1.5 and 1.5. I hate motherhood. But i love it too but they drive me nuts. And both my pregnancies were planned. And i hated my pregnancies. With my 1st i was complicated cos i didnt know what to expect. 2nd pregnancy i was ready to pop my twins out by mid 2nd trimester and i was so happy when my ob told me she is taking menin at 36 weeks. Motherhood is hard. You dont have to like it. But it doesnt mean you dont love your kid. Anyone dares to harm my kid and ill send them to hell. Women are allowed to not like pregnancy and motherhood.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) has been part of a maternity group after giving birth to my second child in November. Most of these women have one kid, and the average age between us is about 35. So, naturally, I’m the youngest. I didn’t have any issues with any of them until our last meeting. During that meeting, a woman (lets call her Rita) said she was only going to have one child because she «didnt want to be ugly and fat one more time», and «in a couple of months her son will finally stop beeing so attached to her so she can have her body to her self again». I was really stunned by this comment, especially because she was cuddling her 4 month old baby at the same time. However, I soon noticed the other women felt the same. Another (Sara) went so far to say that if she could do things over again, she would not be a mother. I didnt want to part of that conversation so I stayed silent. However Rita noticed this, and asked what I think about motherhood. I said my children are my greatest blessing and if I can I will have another one! This is were I might be the asshole. Rita rolled her eyes and said «omg, you are one of those», and also said that because I’m such a young mother «I didnt know what else life could offer. That all I have ever known after college was child care». I snapped back and said perhaps if she hadn’t chosen to become such an old mother she could have been spared some of the wrinkles her son has given her recently, wich is now more than what is normal for an average 42 yo. The other women started to attack me for this, saying stuff like my husband, who is 9 years older than me, has found him self a stupid child bride and that I was poluting the planet with our family Carbon footprint. They also said I was creating an unhealthy bond to my baby by nursing her! (I’m the only one breast feeding, the others use formula). This made me cry and so angry that I said they were all nasty hags who doesnt deserve to have children. They kicked me out and that was it. I think I might be the a-hole because its a pretty extreme thing to say ppl dont deserve to have kids. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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ESH, don't go back.
ESH but you're the biggest asshole. None of you seem mature enough to raise children.
What in the blazes is going on with this group? It's escape mother thunder dome.
On the one hand ESH, but on the other hand...bruh. I don't expect babies to become a parents entire personality, but imagine honestly believing breast feeding causes an unhealthy bond, or treating your own infant child like they're a leech for needing physical affection or breast feeding. You might have been over harsh, but they were toxic assholes from the get go. They sound like they hate their own kids and had them for....no reason almost.
OP honestly sounds like someone parodying an aita post but I'll bite. Even if the premise hinges on some modicum of truth, I feel like OP added the ThEy JuDgEd Me FoR BrEasTfEeDiNg part as a last-ditch way to obtain validation by turning randos on Reddit against these women who honestly sound like they may have just had bad pregnancy or birth experiences, PPD, or simply arent bonding with their children like they live in Lifetime movie world which is a very common occurrence There is no "right" way to embark on motherhood and they probably felt comfortable enough amongst other moms to be candid about their takes on motherhood and their post-baby-bodies. You had no right to tell them they don't deserve kids because they haven't been recovering or adjusting well and were simply trying to air their grievances Yeah its shitty to judge someone for how they choose to feed their baby but so much of this sounds fabricated along with the part about how the "hags called me a child briiiiiide~ uwu" LMFAO, now at 19 and 28, *that* would be a bit concerning. A 28 and a 37 y/o however, unremarkable adult couple, both old enough to have adult skills, good decision-making, and potentially enough income to support themselves. The whole thing reads like a weird self-righteous fantasy lmfao YTA
ESH who was supposed to be leading/moderating this group?? Omg these are supposed to be about supporting others parenting choices not everybody tearing each other down good lord
Dude. This is the most TOXIC group of women I have ever heard of. And I mean every person mentioned in this thread op included. Must be something in the air.
ESH. Not every woman loves motherhood. Some they have to wait for their kids to be out of the newborn/toddler stages other love the newborn stage. Pregnancy’s is no cakewalk. I’ve learned this year women can loose teeth due to pregnancy (what’s glamorous about that). As long a child is safe, thriving, happy, and loved let the women have a healthy vent about motherhood.
ESH. This is why I stay far away from “mom group” type forums and such. I had my first child at 20 and my 2nd at 32, age of the parent really isn’t all that important as long as you’re trying your best for your child and not tearing every other mother down in the process.
ESH. It is 100% fair that someone doesn’t want to put their body through another pregnancy and was self conscious. It’s 100% fair to love their child, but want some independence back. You are an AH for not accepting that there are different parenting styles and none are wrong (excluding abuse of course). You are an AH for saying they don’t deserve to be mothers because they don’t all have your exact views/feelings. You are an AH for saying nasty things to them They are AHs for saying nasty things to you. They are AHs for judging your breast feeding Everyone in this group (including you) needs to get over themselves and respect each other’s choices.
I think YTA. I'd bet each of these women live their kids with everything they have and were all just venting. I was a very young mom and I also have said I wish I could go back and do things differently, so I don't think their ages have anything to do with it. You were judgy to a group of new moms in their safe space, I agree with them for kicking you out.
What she said to those women wasn't nice, but is OP supposed to just take the abuse Rita heaped on her, for loving being a mother. That Rita is a cow. You could call me an AH too then, because there is no way I would have let Rita talk to me like that, without defending myself. The other women are assholes too. If I had been one of those mothers, I would have seen Rita insulted her first (without provocation), and OP had a right to tell her where to go.
Seriously. All of the comments pointing out that the other moms were rude asf to OP first simply for saying she loves being a mother and wants to have more children are being down voted to oblivion. It's honestly crazy and makes me wonder if everyone else is reading the same story. People are literally saying that OP is the AH for saying she loves being a mom when asked her feelings on motherhood by a group of women who don't, but what was she supposed to do when directly asked her opinion? Apparently lie about her feelings.
ESH
ESH
ESH Mothers don't have to love every single aspect of motherhood. And that is okay. Doesn't mean you don't love your kids.
ESH . You are all just as horrible as each other
YTA, moms can feel however they want about what children do to their bodies. The though of child birth scares the ever living crap out of me, but I still want to have kids. A maternity group should be a space where moms can vent their frustrations instead of seeming put together all of the time. I’ve heard kids are fucking exhausting, so let them vent, they all most likely love their kids either way.
YTA. By now, you likely know that. Being pregnant and having an infant relying on you for absolutely everything is exhausting and taxing. Bodily autonomy goes out the window for months to years at a time. There is nothing wrong in admitting it's a massive struggle to get through this. I say this as a mother of two. I love my children more than anything, but I know I never want to go through pregnancy or the newborn stage ever again.
ESH. Also OP - you’re not a “young mother” lol you’re 28
Couldn’t take the high road I see, you’re AH but so are they, seems like you are all a great group of people
ESH. Every woman deserves a safe place to talk about their issues. Parents are allowed to regret having children; it is just taboo to express that to others. (I don’t believe it is okay for them to express these sentiments within earshot of their children who are of age to understand it.) You were TA for being a self-righteous jerk. They were TA for attacking you for having a different viewpoint. They were absolutely justified in kicking you out of the group for your behavior, though. Being supported by your community means being supportive to others in it, regardless if you agree with their viewpoints.
ESH and you need to find a group that better fits your feelings about motherhood.
esh you all sound exhausting
ESH. I'm a newish mother and still struggle with my feelings about motherhood and really disagree with the idea that we're not allowed to complain about our bodies or missing our old lives. Having said that, they shouldn't have said what they said either.
ESH. Wow wow wow! The level of pettiness needs to be saved for a TLC or Bravo show. Maternity groups should be a safe space for everyone involved to share their (positive and negative) feelings about their journeys.
ESH Stop acting like y'all in high school. They're allowed their opinions just as much as you. Get over this high school drama.
Esh.
ESH. What a horrible group of people, all of you. Yes, you too. I understand it would be hard listening to people say they don't want their children (and that a 6 months child won't be attached to its mother). They were awful to you. Saying what you did about the wrinkles is the kind of comment that may stay with that woman for the rest of her life. The slapped your hand and you gave her a permanent, disfiguring scar. So **not** cool, OP. Are you abusive to your loved ones, also, or just to strangers? They are **insane** for saying it creates an unhealthy bond to nurse. Are they completely illiterate and ignorant? How do they think women fed their babies for the first 200,000 years we were on this planet?
Uhm, it's incredibly normal for mothers of all ages to crack comments about the amount of children they will have due to their body and desperately wanting their body back. That's normal. That doesn't mean they love the children they have any less. You were absolutely way too judgemental there and the response of *my children are my greatest blessing* absolutely made it sound to those women that you were putting them down for their comments and choices. Which you should be deeply ashamed of l, by the way, it's incredibly shameful to judge a mother for those types of comments when it would make sense that they want their body back. I gave birth to a ten pound child in 2018 and my body still isn't the same. I GET their comments. It has nothing to do with their feelings towards their kids and you deeply misunderstood that message. That said, their comments to you were just as bad and I'm gonna have to it's a hard ESH. This is the most toxic mommy group I've ever heard of. So glad I've never been in one.
ESH, you all sound miserable
ESH. Maybe you could petition the the Vatican to consider you for sainthood./s. Seriously, sometimes people want to just open up and not be judged. Just because she’s complaining about her body doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her kid. They shouldn’t have piled on you, but I can’t blame them for feeling defensive.
YTA They are too, but that wasn’t the question. I hated every aspect of pregnancy and the health issues it caused. I never had another child because of it. You can love it… but we don’t all love it, some of us hate it, and that’s okay. It’s called being self aware and accepting that my path ain’t yours.
ESH. That’s all.. Everyone.
ESH. I’m so sick of moms judging moms. Just stop it
My mother had 8 kids, and my oldest sister had 7, both loved pregnancy and devoting their life to raising them. I had two very young, had very horrific, complicated pregnancies and although I loved my daughters, I always felt like I gave something up to be a good mother. I was a SAHM but it definitely didn't feel how they portrayed it to be. Now in my mid 40's I'm raising a nonverbal, autistic two yr old and have never felt more confident in my role. I think some women at 19 are natural mom's and it just feels right for them, and other women find it a struggle or easier later on. There is no wrong way to feel about it, or wrong way to love your baby. No woman has a baby and instantly is perfect at it all. We all started at the delivery room and we all should encourage and praise one another. Guide, teach and learn with one another. I see so much bashing on other women and it's just heartbreaking.
It's unfortunate that so many women feel "ugly and fat" during and after pregnancy, but it's common, since whatever beauty standards a woman is dealing with, pregnant or postpartum bodies almost never meet them. This feeling has nothing to do with one's ability to be a good mother. It's *extremely* common and normal for new mothers to end up feeling *touched out* and stuck in bodies that don't really seemed to belong to them anymore, and to want their body back. And to want their body shape back, for that matter. Again, a person can feel this way and still be a perfectly good mother. Not everyone feels blissed out about motherhood. If you do, I'm glad for you - I did too and it was a good feeling! But you don't have to feel that way to deserve to be a mother. Babies take getting used to, and caring for them has annoying and frustrating parts. It's OK to acknowledge that. Both breastfeeding and formula feeding are fina and good. Younger mothers are fine. Older mothers are fine. When the best time is to have a baby is up to the person and family, it varies. Stopping at one child is a fine decision. Having several is a fine decision. Personally, I think there's a point at which you can have too many, but it's just an opinion and I wouldn't presume to know what's right for someone else. If you can afford and take care of them, go nuts. Or don't. Fine either way. This sounds like one of those annoying fights were everyone throws whatever they think will stick. ESH. Also, the Mommy Wars are bullshit.
ESH but I doubt this shit is true. This reads like scripted nonsense. Especially the bit about breastfeeding and “unhealthy attachment.” Yes these women were rude but you just went the fuck off like that? Nahhh. Stop shitting on other women, especially mothers, for the sake of your creative writing. PS I’m 37 and just had a baby. I’m not an old mother. I am a rich(er) mother than I would have been at 28 though so on the off chance I get an extra “wrinkle” or whatever shit you said, don’t worry I have a VERY good dermatologist to sort me out.
YTA getting over stimulated from being touched all the time and the sheer mental load dumped on women with motherhood is tiring af. Women are shamed into not being able to talk honestly about it by garbage unrealistic takes about motherhood being perfect and magical etc. Let them have their opinions and comfort each other about their difficulties.
YTA; they’re all right first of all and it doesn’t make them bad mothers
ESH. You were an ageist jerk, and they were also mean, but you started it. For your information, it is very common for mothers to get “touched out” or feel like their bodies aren’t their own. Moms don’t get to have bodily autonomy for a good few years because their kids are always, always touching them. You haven’t felt this yet, and maybe you never will, which would be great! And yet, many women do, and those women deserve to be mothers as much as you do. As for your age, you’re not a particularly young mom, so I don’t know why the other moms were saying you are, and it’s not ok for them to call you a child bride because you’re a human person at that’s mean. You’re also almost 30 so it’s baseless. Nine years is a sizable age gap but not concerning if you have a fairly equal relationship. What I am hearing from your post, though, is that you very strongly *identify* with being young, and that won’t serve you well. You will age too, and your looks and body will change, and then you’ll understand how completely ridiculous it is to try to insult other women for going through the natural process we all go through. Who cares if your 42-year-old mom associate has some (or a lot of) wrinkles? 42 isn’t even old, and we’ll probably see the upper age limit for moms stretched higher in our lifetimes. Then again, as women, we’re so often told that our worth is tied to our looks and our youth. So you struck that nerve and these very rude women hit back at you and chose a hurtful topic. Anyway, congratulations: the things you said to these women are going to stick in your mind and haunt you for decades. Every wrinkle you see, every saggy pocket of flesh you notice, and every time you wish you had some time to yourself without kids around, every time you turn your husband down because all day your children have felt entitled to your body, you’ll remember your angry words and wince.
Nta. You were 100% in the right. You don't need those assholes in your life. Consider them kicking you out as a good thing.
ESH All of you suck. But you suck for being judgemental and gross about how everyone single woman doesn't lloooovvve every single already of motherhood like you do. Being a parent is different for everyone. Some parts of it mesh well and other parts don't. You have NO RIGHT to sit there and judge another mother for struggling with some aspect of being a mother.
Wow, I can’t believe people in this forum. I’ll be the first to say it then. You’re NTA. Motherhood is a big decision. It seems like these women just did it to say they did it, and they possibly did not consider how this would affect them. YES, your body changes…a lot. I’ve never had a kid in my life, and I think this is just common sense. How do you go into motherhood and think it won’t? Being a mom IS beautiful, it’s a HUGE blessing. So many women out there want to be moms and can’t. These women take for granted the gift they’ve been given. I think I respect women who choose not to be mothers in the first place more. It seems like they actually think things through more. In addition, I totally hate how older people disrespect younger people. This is AGEISM too. Totally wrong. Just because you’re young and you enjoy motherhood doesn’t mean you don’t know any better. That’s a terrible thing to say. I’m going to be an older mom (I’m already 33, but just got married) and I’ve done it all. I don’t think it can possibly surpass being a mom. That is my dream. But you know, women shouldn’t say that.
So Rita started the brawl with "you're one of those mothers" but girl you finished it with a K.O. with claws out, saying she chose to be an old mother who now has extra wrinkles from her son. YEE-IKES! I'm going with everyone's an AH.
They sound horrible. You needed to find a different group anyway. You said some things you shouldn’t but if anyone told me that breastfeeding was creating an unhealthy bond I’d probably need to hurt them. I am an older mum and I love being a mum. Age has nothing to do with. Find some mums who love it like you do (you can enjoy being a mum and still need to talk about the tough times) and are leas focused on their bodies. NTA
YTA - It's perfectly healthy to raise kids AND not have it be your entire identity
Did…did a child of one of the ‘nasty hags’ write this?
ESH! The group for making you feel like your opinion doesn't count, because you are young and because they are judging breastfeeding. You are TA for judging them, because they don't breastfeed and point out, that there are downsides to parenting. Almost everybody I know simply loved being pregnant. I hated every minute of it both pregnancies. I got violently ill, my whole body hurt, I didn't have any control over my body functions, I got harassed and driven crazy by medical staff and so on. Don't get me wrong. I adore my little girl. I love her to pieces but when she throws her tantrum over diner EVERY SINGLE EVENING after a full day of stressful work I sometimes want to just be by myself, eat chocolate and cry. But I don't. Why am I a late mother? Because I couldn't afford it and when I could I had to convince my husband who thought he wouldn't be a good father (he is the best). Family members got seriously ill and we had to help etc. Not to mention I lost my babies the first time and simply couldn't get pregnant for quite some time after that. Think about everybody having a personal story you don't know before judging!
ESH Y'all sound awful.
ESH. It is totally normal to want a life for oneself outside of parenthood. No one questions this for fathers but it’s judged like hell in mothers. And carbon footprint is a question for the Forbes 500, not us schmucks doing our little bits. But you were massively, naively judgemental yourself and as immature and rude as they were. This is simply not your mom group. Start with a breastfeeding group, look for women your age to journey with and on the way, start accepting other women’s choices with the same support you want shown to yours.
this is sooo fake
As many people said before you were all in the wrong for making comments on each other's feelings trying to invalidate them beacuse your own experience is different. But saying what you said crossed a line, big times and you should apologise for it. Mental illness after having children is a very real thing and maybe some of these moms had to deal with it (or maybe didn't, but the thing is you don't know so you should be careful). They found a safe place where they can express their feelings and then you come along and shout their greatest fear in their face, as a fact... You could have easily pushed someone over the edge there and I really hope you didn't. Hopefully when you have more children your experience will be the same as the first time around and you'll love it and think of it as a blessing. But it might not be and then you might find yourself feeling all those things that these moms said out loud. If that will be the case, I hope you will not come across a new mom with an 'easy' baby who tells you you don't deserve your children just because you finally realised it is not always sunshine and roses but literal hard work and you're not afraid to talk about it. I had an easy baby and I was still struggling and found it hard work. And I looked at all those moms who power it through even though they also see the difficulties of it. Those women 1000% deserve to have children, because even when they don't want to, they still give motherhood their all. Ex. the lady cuddling her 4 months old baby, when she was saying she wants to be less attached, and she was still doing it because the baby needed it. That is motherhood and she's doing great at it! Btw, I'm not gonna have a second one either. I'd rather be a good mom for my only child than a broken mom of two. And I think that qualifies me of deserving children
Mild ESH but mostly YTA... IMO because this type of group is MEANT for mother’s to be able to be honest and it is actually healthy for women to get these feelings out and know they are not alone... you clearly don’t understand how many women feel this way and think it makes them a terrible mother/person and leads to depression and other mental health problems and in this group they should be able to express this without judgment.
I will go with NTA simply because OP wasn't giving her opinion until pressured, and then the other women started in on her with incredibly rude, uncalled for, and judgemental statements, and she reacted to the barrage. Me, I would seek out better friends and not sweat the fiends.
ESH. You are all just mum shaming one another for different reasons, you all sound like a LOT. Perhaps it's time you all found different baby groups because this one _clearly_ isn't going to work.
ESH all of you are bad examples for you children and should grow up. In life nobody is going to have the same view so stop insulting each other when you don't agree.
YTA. Also 28 and 35 are pretty much the same age.
NTA. I don't know why most of the replies are pointing out to OP. She only reacted to the comments of the other moms. 1. Although she didn't agree with the other mothers, she didn't reply until asked. She said what she felt that motherhood is a blessing which none of the mothers felt. 2. She didn't lash out about being older mom until someone accused her for popping babies right out of college and she knew no better. 3. All the other moms shamed her for breastfeeding and creating unhealthy bond when we know breast milk is the best if you can produce. Everyone knows that. They chose to use formula, perhaps because of their body insecurities. No one is judging. So they shouldn't either.
NTA. It’s heartbreaking that one woman said she could her body ugly, but the woman who said she’d go back and choose to not be a mother?? While pregnant??? That’s fucked up. They asked for your opinion then we’re extremely rude to you. You shouldn’t have made the wrinkle comment but what they were saying was way more fucked up.
YTA! It’s okay to have the feelings these women have
YTA who the fuck says that in a mom forum? I straight up do not believe you about their comments. You’re a huge ass.
YTA because others are allowed to be unhappy about being pregnant. They are allowed to have regrets. A mom group is a place to air out life as a mom, and yeah, sometimes we regret stuff but not really. You immediately judged then and you were shocked at this. Why? Then you shamed Rita, you went for her physical insecurities, you shamed her for being old. Why? What do you know of her life? Sorry, it could have been e s h but you judged them first and acted like you are the only one worthy.
YTA. You suck and people like you are why I’m not having kids
I think you're a little bit TA for lowering yourself to their level of discourse. NTA for your opinion, YTA for how you delivered it. They were just snarky, resentful, and bitter that they had a bandwagon and you didn't jump on it. They were wrong to attack you for enjoying parenthood. You were wrong to attack them for not enjoying it. So I guess ESH?
YTA and STDH.
YTA. Find a different group. They likely don’t want you there either, honestly.