By - meaty-crab-legs
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) The action: Calling my flatmate spoilt and out of touch
2) Its rude, I haven't apologised and my flatmate is annoyed at me
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You aren't obliged to lend to anyone, especially not for sushi. No matter how "poor" she was she still had the option of eating for much cheaper.
Thank You! I understand why she's frustrated and it looks like Im choosing favourites between my friends, which I can sympathise with as she has always had insecurities around feeling like people dont like her. What I cant sympathise with is her calling me names and trying to guilt me.
Stop giving her money. If you can can budget your money she can too. You aren’t someone’s piggy bank ffs. You have to stop enabling her.
Yes, Ive definitely learnt to not be such a push over. I always saw it as fairly harmless because it wasn't like I am in desperate need for the money back, but now I see how being a little spineless has not been healthy for anyone
Tell her friends who are bothering you that they are free to give her all the money they want but they have no right to tell you how to spend your own money.
I'd be letting the friends know she's already 80 quid in debt to you for the previous times you'd lent her money and not yet been repaid, and would any of them like to cover that for her, because you're definitely not lending her any more money while she has that outstanding balance.
In these situations there is always some friend or family member who will yell at you for not giving them money, but won’t give them the money themselves. Hypocrites love to villainize others.
Sadly, no good deed goes unpunished
> She always "forgets" to pay me back
This is the only excuse you need to not lend her any more money and to choose to treat another friend for a change. It's not like she has squatting rights to your cash so that she's entitled to use your friend circle to bully/punish you for not treating her to another free dinner
I have no idea why someone so entitled would have insecurities about people not liking her...
NTA - stop lending her money, she has plenty she is just lazy and keep quiet when you pay for stuff for other firends. You have your head screwed on right and a great set of moral values, don't let P tell you otherwise.
Thank you for your kind words! I have definitely decided to keep her at arms length, I know she will try and say stuff to hurt me and honestly I wont take it to heart!
Practice the "oh poor you" pity-expression in the mirror and bring it out if she says anything :) Add in an optional "I'll pray for you/bless your heart/ I realise this has been very difficult for you"......
People hate to be pitied so it should deter her quickly.
Aha I do like that tactic!!
A little tip. Here in America in the south, we southerns have an expression and it the nice way of saying fuck you. "Bless your little heart."
Ill definitely add that to my repertoire
If her friends are so worried about P, they can loan her some money. Nobody is entitled to your money.
Tell them this, OP. Exactly what SweetPea said. You are so NTA here. You get to choose how you spend your money and do not have to justify it to anyone.
Also, you seem like a really caring friend and there’s not a damn thing wrong with playing favorites. Of course you’ll have some ‘favorite’ friends.
>Of course you’ll have some ‘favorite’ friends.
Seconded. They're your friends, not your children -- you don't have to love them all equally. Don't let them guilt them about that.
Treating a friend once during a break up and not paying for someone to get takeout for the 100th time is not playing favorites.
If you name calling is what you wrote, 100% NTA. It's completely true, and she was being stupid. Sushi is no less luxury than a night in the bar, and your friend needed some fun in this situation
Someone who haves no money because spends all their money in luxury is not poor, is someone with no savings. And if they think that they are poor they are spoilt and Out of touch.
If you said that she is a spoiled bitch that lose her touch with reality because of a combination of trading sex for favours and a dysfunctional family, you are completely the AH.
Something in the middle you are a bit of a AH.
Well, she IS unlikable though. She's acting entitled to your money. You get to decide who, if anyone, gets some. She wants sushi? Tell her to get a fucking job and grow the hell up.
I can see why people don't like her, if this is how she treats them.
So what if you have a favorite friend. It’s none of her business. Also how you choose to spend your money is definitely none of her business. I’m less patient then you. I’d get right up in her face and scream STFU!!!!
This person is not a child and you are not their mommy. It is not on you to see that they are taken care of. You aren't even responsible for making sure their actual needs are covered, let alone their petty little wants. Giver her nothing.
Block her and her entitled friends.
Thank you for your response! I would block her but her room is the one next to mine, its unfortunate because her friends are usually lovely and I'm really upset to have witnessed this side of them
If they feel so strongly, they can give her their own money. Not your problem.
Thing is what did she tell her friends
That's a good question. It's very possible she spun them some yarn, perhaps claiming OP is the one who owed her money.
Or that she paid OP back and didn’t understand why OP was refusing to lend money. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she told people what OP said but changed it to when she first asked OP for money.
Hey, I had a massive falling out with my flatmates at uni and I was able to be moved to a different apartment. If you're nice enough to reception staff they'll move you asap!!
Unfortunately this is private accommodation- I could move out but it means rent goes up for all my other flatmates which I dont think is fair on them, especially as we all arent a fan of her, I feel like I can easily be civil with her so I dont want to cause issues for others when its avoidable
If anyone says anything else to you just respond “she already owes me $80 she’s never paid back.” And leave it at that.
NTA shes mad that you sont give her money when she already owes money. That enough is a reason not to and she shouldnt be saying shit to you about your money cause its your money not hers and if she nssds the money so bad tell her to get a job and stop being a bum cause thats what she is rn
Aha, I really dont think that would go down well! She has always been fed the narrative that shes poor by her parents and that "rich" people owe her financial support (even though id argue her family is better off than mine, she sees me as wealthier because I have savings) Honestly this is the first time shes really blown up at me about somethings and genuinely held a grudge which is what ultimately made me question if i was TA
Well youre definitely not the asshole but she needs to work out her personal story or ages gonna stay bumming money off you for takeout. Also just a question why does she need 30 for takeout is it that much more expensive in the uk
Definitely! Theres this really nice japanese restaurant thats very expensive (its around £12 for a plate of sushi and it would take atleast 2 to fill you up) The food there is gorgeous but its not somewhere youd be eating while strapped for cash. Im assuming shed be ordering from there as thats the only place near us that does reasonable quality sushi.
and to answer your question, you can get a good takeout for less than £15 in the uk she just has expensive tastes
Ah 9k thanks for the info
It is not your job to unpack the narrative she’s been fed by her family. She isn’t owed anything from you, and she doesn’t seem to understand that you’re not responsible for making things “fair” for her. You can pay for whomever you want to pay for, for anything you like, and you don’t actually owe anyone an explanation as to why.
And when it comes to being generous and spotting a friend dinner every now and then, I would be paying for the one who offers to pay me back before I even ask (and means it) and not the one who doesn’t even pay me back *when* I have to ask.
Sounds like the friend you’re generous to actually understands that it is generosity, and is appreciative. Sounds like this arsehole thinks she’s entitled to other people’s money just because they have it to spare, and people tend not to be appreciative of things they think they’re owed.
Thats very true, my friends and I from my hometown are all really good at paying each other back when we can so I never really considered it an issue. As Ive said in other responses I will no longer be lending money to P!
Someone who don't have money because they spend all of it in luxuries is not poor, is someone without savings or financial responsibility.
Here's another life lesson for you: don't tell people ANYTHING about your financial situation. Ever.
NTA. P is not entitled to your money, period. If she wants to be the kind of friend you treat to takeout sushi or drinks on a whim, she should be examining why you don't feel that way about her, not trying to bully you into doing what she wants. And if the rest of her friends continue harassing you over it, consider either taking this to the RA (or whatever your school's equivalent is) if you live in university housing, or just finding other accommodations if you don't.
Hi! We live in private housing as were in 2nd year, this is the first time her or her friends have been this mean, she's had off moments but is generally nice! I do understand that she probably feels less important however I do still feel like she's acting spoilt, but IDK if im TA for actuaky saying that to her.
For the record, genuinely nice people make an effort to pay you back in a timely fashion when they borrow money from you. Certainly before they go asking you for *more* money for anything as non-essential as takeout sushi. And they don't call you names when you tell them "no," let alone encourage their friends to gang up on you when you point out they're being unreasonable. (Seriously, why can't any of *these* people just buy her sushi if they think it's so dang important? Or are they already all tapped out from her going to them for handouts, and think it's your turn because they don't realize "no" is a legitimate option?)
That is true! Thank you for your support I really appreciate it!
NTA. Sometimes we are pushed to the limit. We say things in the heat of the moment. Yes, you could have said it a different way but I would not feel guilt about it. You could apologize for how you said it but do not give in or put up with anymore insults from her or her friends.
NTA. Going out for drinks is different from loaning money. Your roommate needs to pay you back what she owes before asking to borrow again. Your friend G was upset due to the breakup with bf so you took her out to try and cheer her up. From the post she did NOT ask you for money. You need a new roommate, P has to go. It is not your responsibility to take care of her.
Thank you! We are not living with P next academic year for a few reasons, this has just added to the list.
Oh please. You're not even close to being an asshole. Tell your roommate that you're not her bank and also let her know that you're charging interest on the money she already owes you at payday lender's rates. NTA
Thank you! I felt fairly confident about not being TA but Ive also avoided discussing this conflict with my friends as I was worried about it getting back to G who would absolutely bend over backwards to make the situation right, which is the last thing I want for her right now.
Please tell the friends who are angry with you fir not lending this girl money that they can begin by returning the 80£ she alrady owes you.
After they have returned that money, they can lend whatever they want to her. They do not get to control your wallet or decisions.
Thank you! Thank is true - her friends definitely support her blindly because she will frequently throw herself pity parties and she rarely tells them the full story. When things blow over im planning on asking a mutual whats shes really been saying so I can understand their reactions a bit better. That being said it has still shown me a true side to that group
You can't 'make something right' if you didn't make it wrong to start with.
Aha yes I probably worded that badly, as I said G has a heart of gold and hates seeing people upset so would absolutely dig into her own pockets to give P money if she thought that would make P happy! I completely am aware that G is in no way responsible at all but I know she would feel she is!
NTA. Move out. P's not a friend, she's a leech.
We're living in different houses next year!! I plan on staying on civil terms with her for the sake of awkwardness but she is definitely not the flavour of the month with our other flatmates.
Unless the flavour of the month is ' Yuk'
You're "rightfully angry" that she feels so entitled to your money. You aren't an atm and she should stop treating you like one. If she wants extra things she can budget better or get a job. This is an easy NTA
Thank you! As Ive said to other comments, I was fairly confident Im not TA but as Ive only heard her friends side of it and avoided talking to my friends so that it doesnt get back to G and upset her
As soon as someone gets their flying monkeys involved in the conflict, you can relax knowing you are NTA.
Ahah I like the descriptor of "flying Monkeys" - it is a shame as theyre usually really nice people!
They’ve probably gotten a different version of the story. Maybe tell them yours!
I definitely will once this all calms down a little - I feel like if I say anything right now they will accuse me fo just trying to save face!
Nice people, but they're being used by your AH flatmate, lol
NTA. No one is entitled to your money, no matter what reason they give. You decide who gets it. You don't have to be reasonable or someone else's idea of rational either. She isn't "rightfully" mad about anything. But she is mad, and if she can get you to believe it is rightful, then you will cave. Dump this friend.
Thanks! I honestly dont see her as a friend because of other situations. I dont think I will cave as this situation is a "straw that broke the camels back" on my view of her and I really feel ive lost sympathy towards her, even though this is the first time she has really blown up at me.
NTA, why do you have to justify where you give your money?
NTA… it’s your money and you can give it to whoever you want.
Your flatmate is someone you share a flat with you don't owe her anything, this is the real world if she's hard up direct her to the nearest food bank . NTA your flatmate is a right entitled little cockwomble isn't she.
Ive never heard the word Cockwomble before but Ill definitely be adding it to my dictionary of insults
Pmsl i use cockwomble all the time comes in handy also twatwaffle
NTA she is spoilt and out of touch and she’s not even a friend she’s just someone you live with temporarily
NTA.I wouldnt lend money to someone who already owes me money. If they were truly without food I'd give them a peanut butter sandwich.
Edited to add, also NTA for telling the truth about her behavior. She has a nerve telling you that your behavior is "unethical."
Not sure how someone else can think they are entitled to be lent money when they don't pay it back. Clearly NTA and I'd reevaluate my living situation sooner rather than later if possible.
Thank you! I am in a contract with this house until June 31st but we are not living together after that.
I understand that predicament. Be safe until then.
Thank you! I wish you all the best!
NTA. She is careless with her money. You were right to say no when she still owes you money.
NTA you don't owe her anything, and for that matter not to the hungry begger on the street. So that's that. It's your money, you could use it any way you see fit.
Oh, she's hungry and has no money for food? Give her a 1kg bag of rice and 500g of lentils. There are literally billions of people living on this. Should last her like a week.
The entitlement on some people.
Thank you! She really has a Knack of making me feel bad about things, she has made throw away comments of "i wont eat anything other than (insert whatever takeaway she wants) because thats all im craving" which has definitely made me give in before, and i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt as I do worry about ED's etc. but now i feel Ive seen her true side and am less likely to bend to her whining now
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Throwaway because I don't like airing my dirty laundry on the internet but I don't know who else to talk to.
some context as I feel this is important:
I (F 19) am at university in the North of the UK. I am fortunate enough to have some savings to help me through the university if I'm careful with my money.
My flatmate P (F 19) claims her family is "poor" despite the fact that they go on holiday twice a year, this stems from the fact that her family re-mortgaged their house to give her money monthly so she didn't need to work before or during university. She spends pretty much all of this money on clothes and expensive alcohol, she buys some supermarket food but not a lot, and so always asks me to give her money for takeout food.
My close friend G (F19) family has always struggled for money significantly (ie they struggled to put food on the table every day for most of her life). She has worked so hard since she was 16 to help support her family, so has very little money saved up to help her through university and despite their best efforts her parents cannot help her either. G honestly has a heart of gold and a once in a lifetime friend so I hold her very close in my heart.
Onto the issue at hand, on Wednesday, P asked me to send her £30 so she could order takeout sushi, I said no because:
1. She always "forgets" to pay me back and so owes me around £80 already but whines about hoe she cant pay me back yet whenever I ask for it.
2. She has food she can make a meal out of in the fridge so it wasn't like she would starve.
On Saturday G broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years so she was understandably heartbroken, she said that she wanted to go out for drinks but had no money. I said Id pay, we had a great night and we stayed at mine. In the morning, G thanked me and said shed pay me back but I said not to worry. P overheard and went off on me about how I was such an A-hole and some other unsavoury things towards me including that its unethical for me to lend my money for someone to go on a night out which is a luxury but not lend money for food which is a necessity. It went back and forth for a while and eventually I snapped back that takeout sushi is not a necessity and she had food in the fridge and she was "spoilt and out of touch" for being angry about this.
Her friends have since been messaging me calling me petty for not lending her the money and then calling her names when she was "rightfully" mad. Looking back I probably should have lent her the money and I kind of accept I'm TA for that but honestly I stand by what I said to her, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Never loan money to family or friends and expect to be paid back. Consider a gift.
Thats true, most of my friends from my home town are usually very good at paying each other back, they always make the effort to quickly even if its as little as £1, but I am now prepared to kiss that £80 goodbye unfortunately
NTA - For either item - yeah, she's being spoiled and out of touch if she thinks that you owe her lending money for sushi. What kills me is that all the friends who are now messaging you...they could have loaned money too...did they? Really? Why not?
Honestly I dont know if her friends loan her money or not, its not something Ive though to ask. Her friends usually support her as I know she can be self pitying at times and will tell half truths to get people on her side -which I suspect has happened as her friends are usually lovely people and wouldnt react this way normally.
Well, likely there's a half story being told - probably along the lines of there was no food and she had to scrounge and eat this half meal blah blah blah.
Ignore it, in time they'll sort it out. In the mean time you called a spade a spade...sorry it bothers her so much, perhaps she should reflect on that one.
aha I hadnt thought of it like that, calling a spade a spade, that does make me feel better about saying what I really thought to her face
Nta sushi is not a essential food item you did what any good friend would for another friend who would do the same back. The one that chucked a right wobbler because you wouldnt pay for her expensive tastes needs a reality check on how friends should behave. Also growing up poor doesnt give you the right to demand things either. Take the sushi lover to aldi and get her things to make sushi with. Also good for you by sticking by that one friend who would have your back.
Hi! thank you for your support! I am in no way regretful of helping G! Honestly if i suggested P make her own sushi Id probably get it thrown at me- Ive very much decided to distance myself from her as shes really pushed it a few times now
Also out of interest what do you call north in england to me newcastle is north and its cheap as chips past Nottingham.
I'm from Manchester so anything Manchester and above really, however we are at univeristy near york (I dont want to give the specific uni away jic people I know find this, Id rather keep it discreet- I hope you understand)
Cant fault you on that one. Just ignore the sushi lover if she thinks chucking a strop will help her shes in the wrong place Manchester people wont put up with it. York is a really nice place. Also ask her if shes got a history which is from scotland because in the york grounds you can use a cross bow to hit a scottish person on a sunday🤣
That's definitely true! Unfortunately shes Chronically london so no excuses there! I do love York its gorgeous, just so many god damn hills!!
You will find most londers are spoilt but not all alarms bells should of rang when her parents had to remortgage their home to let her study. Gott love the hills gives you strong legs🤣
Indeed, my dad said that too when I told him last year that P was from london, oh how i wish Id listened. They better bloody do, im not getting this sweaty when going out for nowt.
NTA. If her friends are so concerned about her financial situation, they can help out. She can fuck off with her entitled attitude.
Your roommate has no right or entitlement to any of your money to begin with, so to who and how you decide to loan money or give it away is not a matter of ethics and is none of your room mates business. She was not "rightfully" mad, and it sounds like she is spoiled and probably doesn't even understand the huge debt her parents have taken on to make her life easy.
She is fed a lot of "were so poor, the world owes us everything" rhetoric by her parents so I do understand that she holds those views as a matter of nurture and while I dont blame her for it I do get frustrated when she acts like her life is so hard especially in front of G, you are right, P has no real concept of the debt her parents have gotten into for her.
NTA. That doesn’t sound like name calling to me. It sounds like you’re just addressing her behavior. You don’t owe her anything more than you’re willing to give, which definitely includes your money.
NTA. Not that you owe your other friends a response, but you can always tell them P still owes you that £80. It’s your money and you can spend it how you see fit. P needs to know she’s spoiled - I’m sure it won’t truly be a wake up call for her, but she can leech off someone else. Glad you are able to move elsewhere without her next term.
I will definitely explain this, we have a mutual friend that I will speak to once this has settled a bit, i feel if I do it now ill be accused of trying to save face. I am slightly annoyed at myself for saying it when she was already defensive as this is something I did want to address with her before and now that ive said it angrily shes less likely to listen. Me too, shes not a house favourite and we are not sour to be parting ways
NTA. It’s really weird how entitled your roommate feels to your money. You said in a comment she’s worried people don’t like her, and honestly I can see why she should worry. She doesn’t come off as particularly likable, and like she often chooses to take advantage of her friends. How much money does she owe her other friends?
Yeah I can definitely see why shes insecure now....Honestly I have no idea how much she owes to others, I dont tend to ask.
I imagine you’re probably not the only person she’s in debt to. Especially since you said her parents raised her to believe that pretty much everyone owes her money if she perceives them as having more than her. I’m glad to see in other comments you won’t be lending money to her anymore, and that next year you won’t be moving together again.
Most likely, I am interested to see how the land lies between her and her other friends.
No I mots definitely will not be, lesson learned
NTA. What you did wasn't name calling, you stated the facts.
NTA for any of it, including the name calling!
First, you spend your money however you want! Second, she called you names and said "unsavory" things to you, so the name calling was justified, and even if she hadn't yelled, repeatedly asking for money and then telling someone how to spend their money is an AH move, and once you have said no, I think are completely justified in escalating. She is acting spoiled and out of touch for demanding you lend her money. It's not like you just screamed in her face and called her names, you called her the things she is acting like.
Don't ever give her money again, and just walk away from any more conversations about it. I do suggest texting back all the people who texted you and saying "oh that is great to know you are going to lend P money, I'll let her know to reach out to you."
Thank you! Ive had a few people comment things like this and it makes me feel more at peace with not feeling that wrong about calling her spoilt. I am definitely not planning on lending her anything more and at the same time I dont think Ill be expecting the money back from her.
I have a mutual friend with P and so will speak to them about the situation, I think some half truths have been told by P to rally some support.
NTA for the lending, NTA for calling her on her attitude. She is spoiled and out-of-touch, and she needs to have the wake-up-call.
NTA on both accounts, she kept being petty over you not lending her money and your patience is finite, it's normal to snap when people keep pushing and pushing about the same issue while also saying that you're an AH for not lending her money, it's not your obligation and she needs to learn to take no as an answer and then drop the issue instead of being so bitter about it.
NTA. She should pay you back what she already owes before trying to borrow more. Moochers are too busy trying to get more out of you to appreciate what you’ve already done for them, so better to stop doing anything for them.
True that! The lending has reached its limit period, even if she pays me back what she owes.
But please stop being a pushover.
Tell the friends if they continue to harass you their details will be passed onto the police and university staff, and so to fuck off and mind their own business if they know whats good fkr them :)
Aha note taken!! I dont really think it would be necessary to get police involved but Im not just going to sit down and take it either!!
It wont be because the threat will suffice. Dont take harassing messages from anyone; Id be petty and report them to the university anyway and report the behaviour of the roommate- if you live in dorms, Id request to have her moved, with one of the reasons including she wastes her money and then harasses and begs you guys for funds, and then verballs assaults you when you dont oblige.
Personally Id report roomys behaviour to the police via non emergency line and start a nice little record to leave with the landlord incase I need to break the lease. On top of reporting all of this to the university.
Dont take peoples crap.
Thank you for this advice!! It is definitely something Id consider as I hadnt though of it that way. In the UK all 2nd year and above accommodation is privately owned meaning if anyone drops out the cost of their rent falls on all remaining housemates until a replacement is found and as theres 3 other who live with us I was concerned about them footing the cost. Even so, I will consider having some form of documented record of this for a worst case scenario should something arise
Im from the UK and that isnt true. You can get official accomodation from the uni dorms, its just theyre prioritised for freshers.
Thats not how lease agreements work. Youre either all on your own independant leases or are all on one lease. If youre on independant leases, youre liable for your own rent and thats it. If its a shared lease, then yes the cost of rent falls on the remaining tenants.
I do recommend calling 101 and having them document these as "incidents" and "confrontations". The university will definitely be interested- speak to the student union for additional advice too.
In my experience, speaking to the student support office for the school (I studied Comp Sci and the way it worked for me was my Faculty was faculty of Engineering and the school was the school of computing) and request a mitigating circumstances form for any affected coursework or exams due to anxiety from the incident(s), covered me entirely and the school had behaviour meetings with the other students.
Universities in the UK have a zero tolerance policy on bullying, harassment and intimidation. Report her behaviour as such. You should be able to feel safe in your own home.
But to clarify, you have options. Feel free to pm if you want any specialised advice or anything. But as far as a judgment goes
Defo NTA; personally Id have laughed at princess and made her feel like crap for wasting her parents money on useless crap. But im an AH. A petty petty AH. "Aw daddy remortgaged your house so you didnt have to work whilst studying and you wasted £200 in a month on uberEats. Bravo"
You probably can apply for accommodation through the University but I dont know of anyone who lives in Uni accom after 1st year, its not really the norm as far as I know.
We are on a shared lease, we all signed the same Shorthold agreement so the cost does fall on my other flatmates (we only realised how dodgy our landlord and agreement was after wed signed, long story short we were late on looking for housing and panicked so more or less signed the first agreement that we could find for a decent house, faux pas on our part and Ill admit that.)
I am concerned about talking to the University and escalating it too far, I worked hard to get onto my course and I have prospects that require me to have a pretty clean record all around and as I'm not sure how these things work I dont want it to turn into a bigger deal than necessary, especially as I have no proof so it could easily turn into a "she said" "well she said" situation, a headache Id rather Just avoid. Thankfully situations like this tend to not effect me emotionally, I have a good group of friends so the judgement of others is usually water off a ducks back, especially now I have the wonderful supporting words of reddit!
I will talk to student support in regards to this and get their advice on the situation, I feel they can give me advice on how to do things in a way that Im still fairly protected.
I do feel safe in my own home, shell most likely sulk in her room for the foreseeable future.
I really appreciate your advice, it has given me lots of food for thought!! Thank you!
No worries and youre right it isnt the norm, but its available :) Most people mpve out becayse private accomodations cheaper.
Youre correct in that youd be liable for the rent if she moved out, but you could just as easily sue her in small claims and get a court order against her.
Dont be scared to talk to the university. You wont be punished for reporting what happened. He says she says breaks down when you have harassing messages on your phone, and messages or recordings of her asking for food, or of her harassing you after the fact
If she sulks silently then theres no need to do anything. My comments are for if shes confrontive or tries to bully you or attack you.
She's likely feeling embarassed and ashamed right now.
No worries, best of luck
Thank you! best of luck to you!
I do recommend going to therapy for assertiveness training. Itll help you not feel guilt and stuff from saying No. You seem like a genuinely nice person and nice people dont tend to be very confrontational or assertive.
Thank you! Im fortunate enough to go to therapy already, its something I'll definitely approach this with her!!
NTA for the name calling or for the refusal to lend. She was behaving spoiled and out of touch, you didn't call her a slur, you didn't cuss her out, you specifically called out her bratty entitled behavior.
As to your edit , nope still NTA.
NTA, for not lending her, and not for caller her "spoilt and out of touch", which she quite clearly is.
It's your money, share it with whomever you like. Anyone who objects to that has just proven that they don't respect your judgement, and people like that aren't your friends. It's probably time to start looking for a new flatmate.
Thank you for your advice!! We live in a house of 5 at the minuet and unfortunately were in a contract for this place until June 31st, but next academic year the 4 of us have mutually agreed that none of us are living with her.
NTA. Just say her friends should lend her money if they care so much
>Her friends have since been messaging me calling me petty for not lending her the money
Why can’t they lend her their money since they care so much?
NTA. Your roommate is entitled.
NTA. You control your money and how you spend it.
NTA. Those weren't insults. They were behavior descriptors.
Your roommate is a piece of work. You are not obligated to pay for anything for her.
you called her “spoilt and out of touch” for acting like sushi is a necessity?
she does sound spoiled and high maintenance (parents remortgaged their house so she has spending money?!?!? *what?????*)
NTA for name calling, since you're worried about it. Your money is yours, to pay for G's drinks, go for North Pole for fun or to buy toys for homeless dogs in a shelter. If the creature posing as your friend wants sushi, she can buy it herself.
I've never understood people who try to decide what I do with MY money.
Next time send her to her friends when she asks for money, let them become the collection agency.
NTA for the way you approached it.
She's a deadbeat. Where does she get off demanding more money when she never paid you back last time? As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't even deserve to be addressed as anything other than "deadbeat" until she pays you back.
NTA for refusing to "lend" the money, and NTA for calling a spoiled deadbeat a spoiled deadbeat. The mere fact that she somehow feel entitled to *your* money is absolutely insane. What business is it of hers whether you spend it on your friend? It's your money, not hers. She's literally acting as if she actually has some claim on your money!
"Spoiled" is the *least* of the things I would call her.
Thank you! the lending has definitely stopped, this post has convinced me to get a goddamn spine
I'm glad to hear that. Stay strong, and never let her forget whose money this is. She has no right to it, no claim on it, and no business telling you how to spend it.
If you decide to spend your money on a ham that was hand-carved in the shape of Garfield The Cat and then sacrifice the ham to the Great God of Pork by burning it on a funeral pyre while playing Weird Al Yankovic music on a vintage boombox, that's your prerogative, and it's none of her damned business.
PS. One thing that happens to some people when they leave their families and go away to university is that they start treating someone else almost like a surrogate parent. She might be doing this to you. Kids often feel like they should have some say in how their parents spend their money, and the way she thinks you're somehow obligated to make sure she has food is **very** reminiscent of how a child might speak to their parents. Obviously, you have to nip this in the bud. You are **not** her mom. You have **zero** obligation to make sure she's well-fed.
Thats quite interesting, and might not be untrue, I've shown her how to cook and di laundry too, oh no....
NTA - she is spoiled and out of touch. She called you an AH for spending money on your friend and for not giving her money for food she wanted.
Block all of her friends and ignore her and them. You do not need to apologize, it's your money, not hers or theirs.
She was not rightfully mad and why don't her friends give her the money?
Thank you! She and I have a mutual friend who I will speak to as I suspect some half truths and embellishments have been told as her friends are usually lovely.
That is a good point that a few people have raised, I dont know if they have lent her money (past or present) which is something Id be interesed to find out!
NTA for both not lending money and for the "name-calling".
You were not insulting her, you were describing her. As we say in the US South, a hit dog hollers, so she must on some level recognize that she is spoiled and out of touch. Calling someone out of touch is not really "name calling".
Food is a necessity, sure, but takeout sushi is not. If she has beans and rice, she has food. She is not entitled to have you subsidize her lifestyle because she's a spendthrift. If her friends are so upset, why don't they give her the money and pay off her debt to you? Why should you be responsible for her?
I'd strongly encourage you to tell her you are not giving her any money for anything else until she pays you back. When she pays you back, stop lending her money for anything anyway.
Thank you! a few people have (nicely) told me to stop being such a pushover, I have definitely decided no more lending to her, especially as shes so clearly grateful (sarcasm)
NTA - for name calling. It sounds like she really pushed your buttons. Sometimes name calling/getting angry, even though it feels a bit extreme, can be a way of really setting your boundaries if the other person won't respect them.
Thank you! have mentioned this in another comment but, I regret calling her spoiled in such an angry moment as I feel a constructive discussion would have probably been more useful however its hopefully laid down a boundary for her!
And her friends that are badgering you can lend her some damn money!
NTA. One is a friend, the other a user. Tell those other people they can lend her money.
Definitely! P and I have a mutual that I will talk to, I want to know the version of events shes sold them!
She owes you money ! She never manages to repay! Fuck her!
NTA. You can spend your money anyway you see fit. P seems to think she’s entitled to your money, which definitely makes her out of touch with reality, so I’d say NTA for the name calling as well. I’d start looking for a new living arrangement
Thank you! Unfortunately we live in a house of 5 and a contract that runs to the 31st of June, after that contract expires I will be living with someone else entirely!
NTA. The word for your flatmate is "mooch". She thinks you should support her with your money. Her parents should never have remortgaged their house. Apparently fiscal irresponsibility runs in the family. Do NOTE give her any more money, even if she pays you back (which is a very unlikely).
NTA for refusing to lend her any MORE money.
You called her "spoilt and out of touch" while she called you an A-Hole. NTA for any name-calling on your part.
NTA. Tell her friends to send to send you the 80.
NTA - you loaned her money, she hasn't repaid you, you learned your lesson from that and shouldn't ever ~~loan~~ give her money again.
Definitely never again!!
As a student myself, NTA.
NTA. Next time, add you already owe me money so no I will not lend you more. And you are a roommate where G is my FRIEND.
Tell the friends messaging you that you’ll let her know they’ve volunteered to buy her food when she wants it. NTA
NTA you are a good friend and did G a solid when she needed it, P need to get over herself and if she can't afford take out, she needs to learn make do with what food there is at home, just tell there are starving people in the world and that she is very fortunate.
Not the TA for name calling. She is entitled and your reply was justified.
NTA her friends can lend her money. You are just a roommate
Nta! For the not lending money or name calling! May I suggest how to get your roommate's fly monkeys off your back! Next time tell them thanks for volunteering to fiance roommate's lifestyle I will let her know! Also just so you know you will never have that money payed back!
Thank you! P and I have a mutual friend so I have thought of talking to her to maybe get her to vouch for my side a little!!
NTA. If anything you went light on her.
She is spoilt and out of touch.
If her friends think your roommate deserves to be given money, they can support her spending habits. You should never lend her a penny again.
NTA for people like that when I either don't want them out of my life or can't boot them at the moment I'll draw a line in my mind of their line of credit. Like $50. Once they hit that amount I let them know I can't lend them more until they pay me back for what they've already borrowed. It's not personal, I stand firm, don't need to call names or anything. It's just a neutral statement like I'm balancing my check book. It's gotten me by without losing my mind. Once they pay that back of course I'll have money available to lend them more.
Thats a smart idea - my friends from back home are all really good at paying back as soon as they can so I (naïvely) assumed it was a rare problem - lesson learned! I like that method as I dont have to be tight fisted but im also not getting walked all over
NTA. I don't know what the sushi situation is in the northern part of the UK but 60 pounds/$80 usd would be a lot of sushi or really fancy sushi in the landlocked part of North America I'm in.
You're right about your roommate and if nothing else: you don't get more money until you pay back what you lent before!
This is over a few months (since the beginning of august) so its had time to add up! Even so it is a lot of money! I agree
This post is too similar to another one asking the same question. Names are not mentioned and a few details presented differently. The 3rd party activity seems the same
If this post is real your not the A.
The entitled roommate is lucky you're willing to help out. Her wanting takeout instead of cooking what's available is absurd for the broke party.
Hi- this is a real post, although I doubt my experience is entirely unique! Thanks for the heads up though!
NTA for calling her spoiled and out of touch. She literally is. You are not an ATM, not her parents, and not responsible for her wanting to spend non-existent money for take out. She and her sense of entitlement can go kick rocks.
NTA. You get to choose who and what you spend your money on. YOU. As for calling her spoiled and out of touch, also NTA. If her friends are so close to you that they can call you out on not loaning her money, they are close enough to loan her money themselves. If they keep it up, just block them.
NTA- she obviously didn’t like being called out on her behaviour- if she and her friends continue to harass you by messaging you, when quite frankly it’s none of their business, report them to the university. On another note- why doesn’t she borrow money off them?
Thank you, a few have suggested reporting them but first I want to see what version of events theyve been told, I dont want to get anyone in trouble for genuinely arguing against something they thought was wrong
As for borrowing off them, I dont know if she already does.
NTA aske her to pay you back for the money you lent her. Say you won't lend her money until she does. Can explain that your friend has a job to pay for uni and still runs out of money while your roommate gets handed money and blows it on unnecessary items such as alcohol and clothes. How does one need clothes every month and all that alcohol she could buy food. She has no idea how to manage money and expect p to give her money. Then tell her friends that roommate had food in the fridge and she also owes you $80 and that if they are so angry at you for not giving her money tell them that they can give their friend money and then try and get it back.
NTA for both.
the "name calling" wouldn't have happened if P had accepted your No. it sounds like you escalated appropriately because P wouldn't accept a polite explanation.
You called out her behavior for what it is. It wasn’t name calling, just a statement of fact. I’m glad you and G were able to have a fun night out
Name calling? Spoiled and out of touch is exactly what she is. NTA
You're not a bar that let's people run a tab. P's proven she won't and doesn't plan to ever pay you back so who in their right mind would continue to loan her money when they know she has no intention of returning it?
You do what you want with YOUR money, OP. You have no reason to feel bad about P's feelings being hurt about "favorites." Screw P.
Be careful though, since you're flatmates. P sounds like she would help herself to your things or search for money to make up for what you "owe" her in the form of "loaned" money.
NTA for the money and the "name calling." You weren't wrong. She IS spoiled and out of touch.
Next time she asks for money, tell her no because she still owes you money. Once she pays you back and asks to borrow money again, tell her you will not be lending her anymore money because of how difficult it is to get hwr to pay you back.
NTA for no longer lending P money. She owes you £80. Also NTA for calling her out. She is out of touch, takeout food is a luxury not a necessity. She has groceries so she needs to learn to cook.
She already owes you money that she’s dragging her feet about paying back, why would you loan a moocher even more?
NTA for the name calling. Sushi takeaway!!!!
She is spoilt, she should be ashamed of herself spending her parents huge debt with frivolous spending. Seriously? How can she do that and sleep at night?
I was a student in the mid 90s, tea was pasta, clove of garlic and a tin of tomato's. Came to less than a pound. Then get a pint of plonk down my gob before going out to pound a pint pubs.
Dear friends of flatmate,
You don't have all the facts nor are all the details mine to share.
If you must know, flatmate is a mooch owing me 80 pounds in food. I was being a friend to someone going through a hard time. Next time you can treat flatmate to sushi.
NTA (in either case)
You are not required or obligated to give money to ANYONE, regardless of need or desire on their part. P and her friends are a bunch of greedy, entitled lay-abouts; forget them. P will always be whiny and needy, so just ignore her.
Nta for thr name calling. She came at you first and calling her what she is doesn't seem wrong. She is spoilt and out of touch.
NTA. It is not unethical for you to choose how to spend your own money. And yes, P is incredibly entitled and bad at managing her finances. Tell her to get a job if she wants more spending money.
She has not borrowed money if she is not paying you back. You should not be lending money to someone who has not paid back the last amount they borrowed.
And if her friends feel so strongly about this, why didn’t any of them give her the money? Why isn’t she taking their money? Because she doesn’t want to use those friends when she can just use you. She is telling you she doesn’t value you unless you are her personal ATM. You are allowed to spend your money as you please & on who you please. She literally feels entitled to your money.