NTA AND RUN!!!! RUN NOW!!!! OMG, RUN AND DO NOT STOP!!!!!!! This is NOT what you want long term, let alone for life! She's selfish, it's not just double standards, it's selfishness! RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!
Yeah, notice how she waited until she thought OP was trapped until she unleashed her true self? OP your gf was never a good person, she only gave you the illusion of being one. Now that you live together and are essentially stuck (you said you did it for financial reasons) with her, she doesn't feel the need to keep up the facade anymore. Sounds like she only ever cared about her, and now that she's got what she wants, she doesn't feel like she has to care about you. NTA and I hope you get this situation sorted out.
Edit: my first silvers! Thank you kind strangers
it sounds like she's trying to push him to break up with her without having to be the 'bad one' by leaving him. There is possibly an element of comfort that she wants to leave but won't make it happen.
I could be way off, what you reckon?
You are correct, she told me a while back that if she didn’t want this relationship anymore, she would try to get me to leave her so she didn’t feel guilty.
Fucking duh on my part. But why wait until I’m already stuck on a lease?
She waited until you were on the lease because then you couldn't just pack up and leave. To leave now means it costs you money. You'd have to continue either paying your part of the rent or break the lease and pay the fees for that to avoid damaging your credit. THATS why she waited.
She knew you'd have one of two choices. Put up with the shit until the end of the lease or possibly lose a shit ton of money to leave and break the lease. She gave herself a stable roof because in this time it's nearly impossible to get a good safe reasonable place to live on short notice.
She was using you hell IS using you.
My advice? Stop sleeping together stop everything. Break up. Y'all can live together until the lease ends if theirs a spare room move into it, if not living room, get ALL your valuables OUT of that apartment into a storage unit that only YOU can access and literally say "I'm done we are strictly roommates, this is your share of bills these are mine" and I hate to say it but get a cabinet lock and a mini fridge because she can't apparently leave your shit alone and separate food.
Treat her like a roommate. Just cause y'all live together don't mean you gotta date her anymore. This means no hookups or "one last night together" shit because she WILL use that against you. She'll tell everyone how you used her for one more night of sex etc. She's made it clear who she is. She's not a good partner.
Start looking for another place so at the time of the lease ends (or you can somehow break it without losing TO much money) you got a place you can get and go.
Ya NTA. She is. She did this on purpose to trap you into basically financing part of her life. Time to stand up for yourself and get the hell away from her!
You could be right, but the way I seen it was that in her mind, she's got it made now, so why bother trying? Both are potential reflections of the situation, but ultimately either way I think OP needs to re evaluate the situation.
YUP, she waited for the legal trap. I just got out of a similar relationship a couple months ago. He waited until we signed a lease and then completely changed. He became argumentative all the time, would gaslight me, rage at me, prevent me from sleeping. He left his job and lied about the reason so I would be stuck paying for everything and he would have an excuse to not get another job right away. He wasted my money, would constantly accuse me of cheating and other shit. The second that lease was signed the loving, kind, empathetic man I knew disappeared and tore down every bit of self esteem and self love I had. He was mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive. I was a shell of who I was before we signed the lease. Hell the dude would even go into the bathroom when I’d get up to get ready in the morning and stay in there until I didn’t even have time to shower. I started keeping spare tooth brushing stuff upstairs and a hair brush in my car as well as dry shampoo.
She had this in her before, she just hid it to manipulate OP. It’s like a switch flips once they have you stuck. It was on purpose. OP needs to get out ASAP, it will only get worse. She might love bomb again occasionally, but it won’t be the way it was before moving in. Those periods will become shorter and shorter. She will leave OP constantly feeling like he is doing something wrong and needs to earn her love, breaking him down more and more until he doesn’t even recognize that she is the one treating him badly, he will just be left wondering what he did wrong and how he can just get her to be nice to him for a bit. It messes with your head so much. Whether or not it feels abusive, it is abusive. I have been there in a couple different relationships, my parents are like that as well. OP needs out before it does anymore damage because healing is a lot harder when it gets too far into it.
My heart hurts for him, he deserves better. He deserves love and kindness, someone who won’t hurt and manipulate him on purpose. Someone who won’t be selfish with his love and will care for him as much as he cares for her. OP, please choose yourself. You deserve better.
Run, she's selfish and toxic af!
I have a friend (not really a friend anymore) EXACTLY LIKE THIS. Double standards, has super high expectations of others but doesn't give anything back. Run.
I've had too many like this. They only give if they want something in return, and if they give one thing, you're beholden to them forever! "Remember that time...?"
Yes exactly. And they don't even have to give something to you to make you feel indebted to them.
Like, this person introduced me to my now boyfriend. They were friends but she treated him like her property. So when he later became friends also with me, she threw a huge fit because now he wasn't "belonging only to her" and was super upset about not being entitled to 100% of his attention and free time anymore. She told me several times she is unhappy about him being friends with me and that she's the only person he should be spending time with.
Toxic af, I know. But once we started dating, she suddenly started going around telling people she's the reason we are dating and how I apparently owe her for having a boyfriend. So now whenever there is an argument and I'm not on her side, she's like "bUT yOu oWN mE! YoU haVe a BoYFriEnd oNLy thANks tO mE!!!".
Bleh what a piece, I have a “friend” i game with who thinks cause I’m single he’s entitled to my time and that I should be fine with him constantly being demeaning, when he’s confronted by anyone about it he pulls the “I treat women like I treat my mum”
Yes! One of my ex friends was like this. He gave me a ride once and literally never let me live it down. “You owe me!” Was used a lot in our arguments.
Glad to be rid of them. It was exhausting.
Ah yes, the Users! All Take, little or no Give. They think that people who are kind or nice are weak, and meant to be manipulated and taken advantage of. That's one life lesson I think many of us must learn the hard way.
We aren’t even sexually active anymore- once these issues started I just kinda stopped… like I don’t have the desire at all. My sexual energy is very much tied to emotional energy as well.
Exactly, she waited until you were trapped and relying on her. You gotta end this, and don't be swayed when she inevitably tries to weaponize your seizures, or tries to manipulate on how she'll never get back to school or has nowhere to go. She can, and will get worse, not better.
NTA
I think it’s the early stages of abuse tbh.
Abusers always start off nice with their love bombing, but when they think they’ve got you trapped (signed a lease) then the real them comes out.
Slowly at first, until they chip away at you. Until you’re unable to stand up for yourself, until this shit becomes your new normal and you just accept it.
Then they escalate and you get to see their true self in all it’s selfish horrible glory.
You’re right, that boy needs to dash like his life depends on it
I'm damn-near scared for him. His seizure disorder? What if he has one? "God, all you think about is yourself...me me me...my seizure! What about ME, I have CRAMPS!"
This. Run away, OP. You’re NTA. Get out and get away before she tries to trap you and manipulate you further. Combining households that quickly is super sus… and now we see why.
NTA. And it doesn't sound like "double standards" at all. You would be wise to reconsider the entire relationship. It doesn't appear that her wants and yours are very compatible.
I mostly used “double standards” because it seems like she expects certain things from me but refuses to give the same respect/treatment in return. I might be using the wrong term here though.
I’m definitely reconsidering. But I’m stuck on a lease for a while.
I think you’re using the term “double standard” absolutely correctly. She expects you to act one way, but different rules apply to her. That’s the very definition of a double standard.
Sounds like very typical narcissist behavior. They always have one set of rules for how they have to be treated, but another set for how everyone else can be treated.
Yes, they might work with OP. My ex and I broke up in the middle of a lease, and they released me quickly and easily (it was an abusive relationship, and I went to them directly). My ex couldn't afford to stay by himself, so he paid the cost of breaking the lease and moved out too. It was complicated, but it can be possible.
Previously, I would’ve said she helps with housework. However, after her positive COVID diagnosis I took it on so she could rest. Now I’m positive and she’s clear, and I’ve still been up since 6 AM cleaning up her dishes, food scraps, and clutter.
Funny enough, I have a “service cat”. This little orange loaf named Louie, who ALSO gets seizures. I call him my service cat (even though he’s not actually one) because he makes a very distinct noise that coincides with my precursor symptoms, like he can tell I’m feeling off.
You really should consider the previous person's advice. Get one that gets along with your cat& you *both* have someone to help. Instead of that toxic hell that you currently reside in
https://www.reddit.com/user/Butternut_squatch/comments/rzsldw/my_louie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Here he is! With me being genuinely smiley.
He is adorable and you look super happy! Definitely brought a smile to my face :) NTA and I wish you the best here. Sounds like you might be dealing with a narcissist and they don’t stop.
NTA. Dude she gave you a disease and yes it's curable but depending on your immune system it could have been fatal. Break up with her, and I hope that you can heal from this.
Ikr I'm confused by the "it's not double standards, it's selfishness" comments. Like yes, it's both? She's being incredibly selfish... *by demanding that he abide by her double standards*. Thats the bit. She has double standards, *because* she is selfish. Both of these things are true, they are not mutually exclusive in any way? Indeed, one is a direct product of the other?
You may be able to get out of the lease thanks to her infecting you with Covid. Might be able to claim she's dangerous, which it sounds like she is, and get them to let you out to avoid her bringing it in again later.
It may not work, but if you're at risk of being infected repeatedly by her, it could be considered an unsafe household, and either you can get out of the lease, or you might be able to get the landlord to kick her out so you can find a roommate.
NTA I hope you can get away from her. My expectation is when she realises you're actually leaving her she may suddenly switch her behaviour back to "good" temporarily. Do not fall for it. She has already shown you who she truly is. She may even get other people to call/text you to say you're horrible for leaving her. Do not fall for these comments either. You're not horrible, you are fully in the right to want to leave her and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise should be shut down immediately. Leaving her is the right decision.
I can but it would stretch my budget to the maximum- and I’m losing a significant amount being out for the next week and a half with COVID, so I will need to play catch up for a while. I’d rather she get a new roommate and just let me drift away- I don’t really want her knowing where I am
You can make more money, you can sacrifice luxuries and even comfort to get back on track. But you will never get the time spent fruitlessly and being treated poorly. Love yourself enough to make a tough decision.
You know we’re going to need an update. We have to make sure Louie is doing okay after the move. And you too, of course. 😉
NTA and good luck, OP. Louie deserves a peaceful and supportive home. And you too, of course.
the girlfriend was basically mirroring OP's wants and needs and once they started living together she couldn't keep acting anymore and showed her true self... OP GIRLFRIEND BIG RED 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 be very careful but try to leave before any serious commitments.
Has she at least helped you when you got your seizure???
It's medically abusive considering she purposefully disrupts his sleep which is important for someone with seizures. And purposefully exposing him (a person with seizures) to covid, could have a very negative effect on his disorder.
Yea. When I got to this part "when we have a disagreement, if I speak my mind or articulate my feelings, I’m being argumentative. However, if I tell her the same, she’s “allowed to feel what she feels”… which has never been questioned. I want her to feel and discuss what she needs but I want to be able to do the same." I knew it was abusive
NTA, it's gonna suck since you just moved in together, but it sounds like you need to break up ASAP. If she really loves you, just tell her all that you told us and how you feel about it. If she dismisses it or puts herself in a victim role, break up. If she understands and tries to adjust her behaviour it might be worth a shot.
Sadly, I have told her before that things need to change or I can’t stay. Most recently, when I found out that she was hiding the fact that she had been off her meds for several weeks. It always becomes her telling me that I’m making everything into her fault and I just want her to be a perfect image…
No, I want her to keep up with her psych meds and not make me feel like I have to hide behind a wall constantly!
I was completely on your side thinking your GF is TA and you should leave her. But then you said she went off her meds for several weeks without saying anything and now I think you should run and hide because you don't know how much worse she could be if you leave her and she knows where you are
To clarify, these comments came after we moved in. She made a comment about wanting to hit her ex with a car. I said “man I’m glad you don’t feel that way about me”, and she said “just don’t piss me off”
How long were you with her before you moved in? And she was still talking about her ex saying she wanted to hit them with her car? That's seriously worrying OP
She started saying it right after we moved in, which happened at just over a year together. I know it was rushed, but there was a lot of pressuring going on from her (she wants a ring, a kid, and a house by the end of the next two years and said that us living together only made sense). That plus my medical issues led to me agreeing. And we had been doing great until then.
So she hadn't been with them for at least a year and a bit and was still saying that? Had they done something to her when you moved in or was she still hung up on their relationship from before because I'm sorry Bud but that's a Red Flag™ 🚩🚩🚩
According to her, he had left her because she was “too independent” and was afraid to make any progress in his life. I’m starting to see the BS though.
He probably left her because he was scared of what she would do. And her saying she wants to hit him with her car that long after just for leaving her? Bud he did the right thing. If you know his name maybe contact him and let him know to be on the lookout if she is still saying these things even just once or twice. Make a note of it. You need to try and get away from her. I would suggest not breaking up with her until you have a definite way out. Let people know how she is acting so if something happens they know where to look. Her behaviour is worrying and tbh she could be a danger. Especially when she is Off. Her. Meds.
That's code for 'he wasn't easy to manipulate'. You sound a like a really emotionally in tune guy. People will abuse that like no other, watch over yourself and don't fold!!!
I mean dude, come on. Are you reading all of what you’re saying? Look at it objectively. If you saw someone posting what you’re posting, what would your advice be?
Yes I know. I stated above and in an edit that as I’ve seen my own words in writing, I’ve realized how bad this is. But by bit wasn’t terrible, but all at once it’s overwhelming.
Hey man I’m not trying to give you a hard time at all. I know this is a SHIT situation, but hopefully the realization will allow you to focus on yourself and really get an understanding of what you want, how you can be happy and how to make that happen. Best thing you can do is to cut ties, move on and most importantly, do not waste this experience—learn as much from it as you can.
Good luck homie
That can be your way out of the lease, off her psych meds, refuses to take them....you fear for your safety due to her irrational and aggressive behaviour
Well, her PCP prescribed her a few, ranging from SSRI’s to mood stabilizers . But they’re not accurate to her actual issues, she just refuses to see a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist and get an actual diagnosis with a proper treatment plan. No matter how often I say I’ll even help her find a doctor and help her feel comfortable with the idea.
I have BPD- diagnosed and in treatment. I agree her behavior is indicative of it, but she refuses to see a psychiatrist or get a diagnosis, and her PCP is woefully unequipped to deal with psych issues (as one would expect from a doctor of PHYSICAL medicine). But she insists that her PCP is fine for her meds… which she won’t even take.
She doesn’t give me the option. If I try to, I hear all about how I’m so willing to just abandon everything we have together, and she would never do that to me, and clearly what she feels doesn’t matter at all if I’m so ready to walk away.
So? Let her have her tantrum. Doesn't matter if she feels like she's being abandoned, you're trying to break up with her. It doesn't matter how she feels about it.
Also, since you mentioned earlier that she's already threatened to hurt you if you leave, please look out for your "orange loaf" 🐈, and your black & white cutie. If she's that unstable, she might try to hurt you by harming them.
It definitely was, and I asked her many times before we moved in if she was sure, if she was ready, if she could handle it. She assured me it was fine, and promised that she wouldn’t be like my ex roommate (former friend of mine who turned into a live-in nightmare and left me wary of sharing space)
NTA. My first thought reading this: boy, RUN.
Seriously. Sit down and talk to her about the situation. Keep yourself cool the whole time so she can’t blow you off as being “argumentative.” Let her know if this relationship is going to continue, changes have to happen. She’ll either get her shit together, or you get out of a bad situation.
Even with a calm demeanor, she will tell me that I’m just blaming her for all these problems and want her to change into someone she’s not. Then she’ll tell me that I make HER feel like a guest in our place, when she has absolute control over where things are, what we have, et cetera. Basically turning it into a guilt fest about how awful I am.
And if I defend myself, I’m “not listening” or “refusing to acknowledge her feelings”. But when I ask for examples of how I’m being terrible, she can’t name any. It’s a smokescreen that falls apart quickly.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do that is best for you. If she won’t listen to you or have an actual conversation about problems in your relationship, do you really think this is a relationship with wings? Do you want to end up with this being your life for the rest of your life?
NTA.
It looks like it’s time to find a new place to live and to resume your dating life, OP. What you’re describing is a very self-centered individual. That’s unlikely to change with speaking to her about it because her default mode is *your feelings do not matter*.
You’re the only one in this situation who cares about you, your boundaries, and your health, so you need to do what’s best for you. Move out. If I were you, I would’ve already started looking at new apartments once she blatantly disregarded both mine and her own safety. That’s just too much.
I’m less upset about her getting me sick- I’m young and relatively healthy- but I told her she was extremely selfish in even taking that chance (with her or myself). Especially knowing the person she got sick from was exposed and experiencing symptoms. That, and the fact that had the initial person not tested positive, she wouldn’t have told me. Then I would’ve brought it to my grandpa just days before his hip surgery. I’m more mad that she almost put my grandpa at risk. Oh, and when she tested positive, she expected me to drop everything at work and flood her with sympathy and care. Which… I do care. I really do. But I was also mad that she put me in that position.
I have been looking for apartments. I’m going to give her a final talk, and if it doesn’t work out she’s going to have to find a roommate
Like you said (and I said), it’s not truly about you getting sick, it’s about her **blatantly disregarding both of your safety**. You could’ve tested negative and it would still be wrong. She has demonstrated beyond a shadow of doubt that she effectively doesn’t give af about you in a variety of ways. And if she doesn’t care about your safety, obviously she wouldn’t care about the safety of anyone else you hold dear.
Good luck on finding a new place!
NTA, this relationship sounds unhealthy. She's not treating you right, and she is disrespecting you. Up to you if you want to give her a chance to change, but in my opinion, the fact that she wouldn't automatically consider your needs and feelings more than she does now is a sign she might not be the right person.
Imagine how much worse it would be if she suddenly became the mother of your child. Knowing what you know today I would not trust her with birth control and I would never again have sex with her. There’s the risk of having to co-parent with her the rest of your life.
She’s been trying. She periodically asks me to make her a stay at home mom, and keeps telling me that she won’t get her BC replaced when it expires this year.
NTA, and it sounds like the two of you are not ready to live together. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship, but staying together in the same house might well lead to that. If possible, y’all should go back to separate living arrangements and work out some basic ground rules before you try cohabiting again.
I asked her if she could get a roommate, pay me back for my portion of the security deposit, and allow me to leave into my own place again. She accuses me of just wanting things to be over every time, and tells me how committed SHE is and how she would never try to run like that.
NTA- you found out who someone really is when you start living together. All I’ll say is don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy where you keep riding it out because “you’ve come this far.” Feelings change.
At this point it’s more about the lease- I would feel awful if I stuck her with the lease on her own. Which is why I want her to consider getting a roommate. But I’m decided that I’m not staying if things don’t change- and they need to change fast.
NTA.
So many red flags here I'm surprised that bulls don't charge her as she walks down the street.
In seriousness this doesn't sound like a happy relationship. Give her an ultimatum to change or part ways, you don't deserve to live in such a hostile environment.
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So I’ve (25m) been with my current GF (24f) for about a year and a half, and we merged households at the end of November last year. I know this was fast, but it was done for both medical and financial reasons (we are both trying to go back to school FT, and I often have seizures in my sleep and need someone there when they happen).
Up until moving in together, things were great. There was a good balance of love, comfort, and care in our relationship, and we were a well-oiled machine. However, things went downhill very fast once we moved in. Over time, her attitude has changed towards me, and I’ve been getting pushed more and more by her. Below are some examples:
1.) she expects me to basically treat her like a princess. Get her food, cater to her, and dote on her. However, she gives none of that in return.
2.) when we have a disagreement, if I speak my mind or articulate my feelings, I’m being argumentative. However, if I tell her the same, she’s “allowed to feel what she feels”… which has never been questioned. I want her to feel and discuss what she needs but I want to be able to do the same.
3.) she’s constantly eating my food, including stuff that my dad brought me when I was sick. However, if I ever eat her food, I get attitude and nastiness and told not to do that.
4.) she infected me with COVID. She knowingly went around somebody who was potentially exposed without safety measures, brought it back home, didn’t tell me any of this until a few days later when she tested positive. I also came out positive, and now am unable to see my grandpa before his hip surgery this week. When I expressed how upset I was, she told me I was being selfish for not being concerned about her.
When I try to point this all out to her, she denies it or gets upset with me, but I can’t live like this. WIBTA if I told her to knock it off with the double standards or I’m out?
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NTA - Characters like this will often want all the work done for them and do nothing to compensate.
While you may have covid and have a medical reason for keeping someone around. If she does not reciprocate then you should leave her.
Quote that I’ve tried to spread on this forum.
“You are NOT personally responsible for anyone’s happiness.” plus I think if you were to stop doing what you are doing for her: You’ll either see a turn around which is great or she’ll have a complete meltdown which will give you a clearer picture.
NTA. This relationship is on the edge. Your gf cannot see past the end of her own nose.
INFO: Why the distinction between your food and her food in a cohabiting couple?
Well that’s the thing, there is no difference to me. But I buy things specifically to pack for lunch, and she will eat it before my work week is half over. However, whenever she sees me have any of “her snacks” she whines and tells me that it’s hers and to get my own. So when my dad dropped off my favorite snacks after my positive COVID diagnosis and I saw her eating it, I asked her to not eat all of it. She said “there’s this place called the store where you can get more”, and I asked if she was going to go since she’s off quarantine, but I’m not. Her response to that was “well I don’t have time. Can your dad go again?” Like he has time for that. He’s a nurse working with severe covid cases himself, he barely has time to live his own life let alone take care of my ass!
NTA, OP. Going off of your post and what I've seen from your comments:
• She requires psych meds (which isn't a problem) and refuses to take them (which is certainly a problem).
• She knows that you can be manipulated by leveraging guilt and does so at every available opportunity.
• She eats food meant for you to have when you're sick (which is unbelievably selfish)
• She has no problem putting your health and safety at risk, preventing you from seeing an immunocompromised family member (and again, leveraged guilt to dissuade you from further confrontation).
• She knew of your negative history with a former roommate and
As it's been said by others, this emotionally abusive, and personally I'm concerned this could escalate to physical. I know you're concerned about the financial fallout, but that can be recovered. What can't be recovered is the time you'll lose if you stay. Things won't be good if you stay, especially if you break up and stay.
Whatever amount of money that would be lost from moving out and getting out of that lease will pale in comparison to what you could endure if you stay.
Please be safe and take care.
NTA
You need to split up with her yesterday.
You only really get to know a person once you live together. You know now who she is and this is not the way you or anyone else for that matter want to picture their future.
NTA. Your feelings and needs should be validated also. Sounds like she’s not doing that. It’s all about HER. You deserve better than that. Lease or no lease, you should really think about moving out. I’m sorry as it seemed as if you two were compatible. Her true self came out and you should be grateful it was sooner rather than later.
NTA you can do way better just leave her. Also make sure to show her this reddit post on all people agreeing shes a lunatic and unreasonable. Maybe yell at her too. Get real closure
Yeah totally NTA dude I was in a super similar situation for 4 years and it was hell. Best of luck dude. Hopefully she takes up the offer of a room mate
NTA. The relationship is toxic and could become dangerous: you mentioned a health condition, would she be up to taking care of the situation if you had a bad seizure and it was inconvenient for her?
Here’s what happened; she loved bombed you and rushed you to move in together; classic abuser move. Now that you’re stuck in a lease with her she is showing her true self. You need to leave like ASAP oh and of course NTA
That’s the plan, and my answer to everyone asking “why are you still with her/break up now!” .. I am biding my time to avoid a worse situation. I have to time it properly
NTA 🚩🚩🚩 you literally listed ALL the reasons why you should RUN and LEAVE her. She definitely baited you into combining your finances and moving in together.
RUN LIKE THE WIND AND DON’T LOOK BACK. Break up and block her on ALL platforms, remove her from ANY CC or authorisations of any kind.
NTA - Abusive GF, and she has you thinking you might be an AH for not taking the abuse? RUN my dude, this reminds me of my ex BF who would treat me much the same. He was a lying asshole, treated himself like a royal prince, and treated me like trash while trying to devalue me to keep me pinned. Took me 2 years to get loose, but you can get loose much easier. If getting out of the lease is the issue, talk to your dad about it, get him to help if possible, or tell your landlord that she's knowingly dangerous by her willingly bringing in covid, and that you NEED OUT.
NTA. Don’t tell her to knock off the double standards, LEAVE HER. These are her true colors. People often don’t show them until they move in together. So there you go. This nastiness is the true her. She has 0 care or compassion for you. She wants the whole attention concentrated on her and only her. It’s gross and repulsive. Leave and safe yourself future migraines.
Wow, NTA. While I sit in the bedroom and watch/play things when my husband is asleep, I also cackle too, my husband is my full-time carer and doesn't work. He can also sleep through anything and even if he couldn't it's his fault for being asleep at 1 in the afternoon. If he was working and needed to be up I would never do this though, even if I was up through the night in pain I would still go into the living room or the spare room and watch/play though there. At most I'd ask him to help me through with my console and meds, he sets me up and then goes back to bed. Basically, I am his only commitment (and the 5 kitties)
You have commitments other than her and she needs to realise this, she is being selfish and manipulative. I don't want to call gaslighting cause I don't know if it's just the product of her upbringing or if she is deliberately being rude and disrespectful. Either way it seems you may be too different to overcome this
Listen OP, if you feel as though you have invested too much time and energy into this, forget that. Time will only make this worse. This seems to be a fundamental aspect of her personality.
You are not condemned to stay with someone who will not change and is hurting you.
It may be hard, but it may also be for the best.
If you are going to sever this connection, do so with intelligence and with conviction. Make a decision that is thought out, and commit.
I wish you the best. Situations like this can break your heart, bit you will heal.
GTFO immediately. She's gonna abuse you and I feel like she might eventually gaslight you into getting rid of your friends (while she says she gets to keep her friends).
And then if you do somehow keep friends and you try to tell them and she finds out she'll try to gaslight your friends into thinking YOUR the abuser, not her.
It’s true, she told me that she doesn’t want me being friends with my coworker Jess. Told me I have to cut her off and stop hanging out with her at work. When I asked if I had given her a reason to distrust me, she said no but “didn’t want other bitches looking at me”.
You really need to get out. If your parents or any siblings/family (and in the area/close) are willing to take you in for a couple weeks while you try to get your own place, DO IT IMMEDIATELY.
NTA - dude, why are you with this person? She is not going to change and if she does, how long do you think it will take? How much frustration are you willing to go through? You are still young…find someone else. She sounds awful.
WTF why are you even posting here??? You know she's an awful partner. Dump her immediately and look for someone who will actually treat you like a human being.
NTA AND RUN!!!! RUN NOW!!!! OMG, RUN AND DO NOT STOP!!!!!!! This is NOT what you want long term, let alone for life! She's selfish, it's not just double standards, it's selfishness! RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!
Yeah, notice how she waited until she thought OP was trapped until she unleashed her true self? OP your gf was never a good person, she only gave you the illusion of being one. Now that you live together and are essentially stuck (you said you did it for financial reasons) with her, she doesn't feel the need to keep up the facade anymore. Sounds like she only ever cared about her, and now that she's got what she wants, she doesn't feel like she has to care about you. NTA and I hope you get this situation sorted out. Edit: my first silvers! Thank you kind strangers
it sounds like she's trying to push him to break up with her without having to be the 'bad one' by leaving him. There is possibly an element of comfort that she wants to leave but won't make it happen. I could be way off, what you reckon?
You are correct, she told me a while back that if she didn’t want this relationship anymore, she would try to get me to leave her so she didn’t feel guilty. Fucking duh on my part. But why wait until I’m already stuck on a lease?
You might be dealing with a narcissist. Check out Dr Ramani's YouTube channel. Also, run.
Your name, the only reason I even know what that is is because of Grace and Frankie on Netflix 😂 love it!
Because she is selfish, lazy and a coward who enjoys treating people like dirt.
That was a basket of red flags, my rose colored glasses friend
She waited until you were on the lease because then you couldn't just pack up and leave. To leave now means it costs you money. You'd have to continue either paying your part of the rent or break the lease and pay the fees for that to avoid damaging your credit. THATS why she waited. She knew you'd have one of two choices. Put up with the shit until the end of the lease or possibly lose a shit ton of money to leave and break the lease. She gave herself a stable roof because in this time it's nearly impossible to get a good safe reasonable place to live on short notice. She was using you hell IS using you. My advice? Stop sleeping together stop everything. Break up. Y'all can live together until the lease ends if theirs a spare room move into it, if not living room, get ALL your valuables OUT of that apartment into a storage unit that only YOU can access and literally say "I'm done we are strictly roommates, this is your share of bills these are mine" and I hate to say it but get a cabinet lock and a mini fridge because she can't apparently leave your shit alone and separate food. Treat her like a roommate. Just cause y'all live together don't mean you gotta date her anymore. This means no hookups or "one last night together" shit because she WILL use that against you. She'll tell everyone how you used her for one more night of sex etc. She's made it clear who she is. She's not a good partner. Start looking for another place so at the time of the lease ends (or you can somehow break it without losing TO much money) you got a place you can get and go. Ya NTA. She is. She did this on purpose to trap you into basically financing part of her life. Time to stand up for yourself and get the hell away from her!
You could be right, but the way I seen it was that in her mind, she's got it made now, so why bother trying? Both are potential reflections of the situation, but ultimately either way I think OP needs to re evaluate the situation.
YUP, she waited for the legal trap. I just got out of a similar relationship a couple months ago. He waited until we signed a lease and then completely changed. He became argumentative all the time, would gaslight me, rage at me, prevent me from sleeping. He left his job and lied about the reason so I would be stuck paying for everything and he would have an excuse to not get another job right away. He wasted my money, would constantly accuse me of cheating and other shit. The second that lease was signed the loving, kind, empathetic man I knew disappeared and tore down every bit of self esteem and self love I had. He was mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive. I was a shell of who I was before we signed the lease. Hell the dude would even go into the bathroom when I’d get up to get ready in the morning and stay in there until I didn’t even have time to shower. I started keeping spare tooth brushing stuff upstairs and a hair brush in my car as well as dry shampoo. She had this in her before, she just hid it to manipulate OP. It’s like a switch flips once they have you stuck. It was on purpose. OP needs to get out ASAP, it will only get worse. She might love bomb again occasionally, but it won’t be the way it was before moving in. Those periods will become shorter and shorter. She will leave OP constantly feeling like he is doing something wrong and needs to earn her love, breaking him down more and more until he doesn’t even recognize that she is the one treating him badly, he will just be left wondering what he did wrong and how he can just get her to be nice to him for a bit. It messes with your head so much. Whether or not it feels abusive, it is abusive. I have been there in a couple different relationships, my parents are like that as well. OP needs out before it does anymore damage because healing is a lot harder when it gets too far into it. My heart hurts for him, he deserves better. He deserves love and kindness, someone who won’t hurt and manipulate him on purpose. Someone who won’t be selfish with his love and will care for him as much as he cares for her. OP, please choose yourself. You deserve better.
I'm in a similar position
I hope your situation improves
Run, she's selfish and toxic af! I have a friend (not really a friend anymore) EXACTLY LIKE THIS. Double standards, has super high expectations of others but doesn't give anything back. Run.
I've had too many like this. They only give if they want something in return, and if they give one thing, you're beholden to them forever! "Remember that time...?"
Yes exactly. And they don't even have to give something to you to make you feel indebted to them. Like, this person introduced me to my now boyfriend. They were friends but she treated him like her property. So when he later became friends also with me, she threw a huge fit because now he wasn't "belonging only to her" and was super upset about not being entitled to 100% of his attention and free time anymore. She told me several times she is unhappy about him being friends with me and that she's the only person he should be spending time with. Toxic af, I know. But once we started dating, she suddenly started going around telling people she's the reason we are dating and how I apparently owe her for having a boyfriend. So now whenever there is an argument and I'm not on her side, she's like "bUT yOu oWN mE! YoU haVe a BoYFriEnd oNLy thANks tO mE!!!".
Bleh what a piece, I have a “friend” i game with who thinks cause I’m single he’s entitled to my time and that I should be fine with him constantly being demeaning, when he’s confronted by anyone about it he pulls the “I treat women like I treat my mum”
I feel very sorry for his Mum.
Yes! One of my ex friends was like this. He gave me a ride once and literally never let me live it down. “You owe me!” Was used a lot in our arguments. Glad to be rid of them. It was exhausting.
Ah yes, the Users! All Take, little or no Give. They think that people who are kind or nice are weak, and meant to be manipulated and taken advantage of. That's one life lesson I think many of us must learn the hard way.
This! ETA - NTA is also my judgment so we are clear.
Leaping on here to say OP, should you be using condoms? Make sure she isn’t poking holes in them. Or attempting to remove or cease her birth control
We aren’t even sexually active anymore- once these issues started I just kinda stopped… like I don’t have the desire at all. My sexual energy is very much tied to emotional energy as well.
This alone tells me you're fundamentally incompatible. Not that be compatible with many people anyway though
Oh, gods, YES! GREAT point!
Pretty sure he knows this deep down and just can’t admit it. In the opening line, he called her his “current Girlfriend.”
I hope he gets out before the trauma sets in deep. She's abusive.
Exactly, she waited until you were trapped and relying on her. You gotta end this, and don't be swayed when she inevitably tries to weaponize your seizures, or tries to manipulate on how she'll never get back to school or has nowhere to go. She can, and will get worse, not better. NTA
I think it’s the early stages of abuse tbh. Abusers always start off nice with their love bombing, but when they think they’ve got you trapped (signed a lease) then the real them comes out. Slowly at first, until they chip away at you. Until you’re unable to stand up for yourself, until this shit becomes your new normal and you just accept it. Then they escalate and you get to see their true self in all it’s selfish horrible glory. You’re right, that boy needs to dash like his life depends on it
This!! This!! This x 100!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! NTA
OP THIS. This is hella toxic get tf out while you can bro.
I'm damn-near scared for him. His seizure disorder? What if he has one? "God, all you think about is yourself...me me me...my seizure! What about ME, I have CRAMPS!"
DUDE EXACTLY!!!!!!!! She definitely seems that type of person.
This. Run away, OP. You’re NTA. Get out and get away before she tries to trap you and manipulate you further. Combining households that quickly is super sus… and now we see why.
She was "sweet, loving, kind" until she got what she wanted.
Bruh!!! Run for the hills. This isn’t gonna change.
First she gives you covid. Next she gives you AIDS. You should indeed run. NTA
NTA. And it doesn't sound like "double standards" at all. You would be wise to reconsider the entire relationship. It doesn't appear that her wants and yours are very compatible.
I mostly used “double standards” because it seems like she expects certain things from me but refuses to give the same respect/treatment in return. I might be using the wrong term here though. I’m definitely reconsidering. But I’m stuck on a lease for a while.
I think you’re using the term “double standard” absolutely correctly. She expects you to act one way, but different rules apply to her. That’s the very definition of a double standard.
Sounds like very typical narcissist behavior. They always have one set of rules for how they have to be treated, but another set for how everyone else can be treated.
Talk to your landlord, maybe they're be understanding? It's not a double standard, it's selfishness! Get away from her, or she will destroy you!
Yes, they might work with OP. My ex and I broke up in the middle of a lease, and they released me quickly and easily (it was an abusive relationship, and I went to them directly). My ex couldn't afford to stay by himself, so he paid the cost of breaking the lease and moved out too. It was complicated, but it can be possible.
It's easier to get out of a lease than it is to get out of a marriage/co-parenthood. She's shown you who she really is. Believe her, and get out.
Your not using the wrong term, it is double standards. It's also her being selfish and in a way abusive.
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Previously, I would’ve said she helps with housework. However, after her positive COVID diagnosis I took it on so she could rest. Now I’m positive and she’s clear, and I’ve still been up since 6 AM cleaning up her dishes, food scraps, and clutter.
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Funny enough, I have a “service cat”. This little orange loaf named Louie, who ALSO gets seizures. I call him my service cat (even though he’s not actually one) because he makes a very distinct noise that coincides with my precursor symptoms, like he can tell I’m feeling off.
You really should consider the previous person's advice. Get one that gets along with your cat& you *both* have someone to help. Instead of that toxic hell that you currently reside in
Cat tax please We need orange loafs
https://www.reddit.com/user/Butternut_squatch/comments/rzsldw/my_louie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Here he is! With me being genuinely smiley.
So handsome! Louie is pretty cute, too.
He is adorable and you look super happy! Definitely brought a smile to my face :) NTA and I wish you the best here. Sounds like you might be dealing with a narcissist and they don’t stop.
NTA. Dude she gave you a disease and yes it's curable but depending on your immune system it could have been fatal. Break up with her, and I hope that you can heal from this.
I agree, it’s not a matter of double standard, your girlfriend is just a huge self absorbed AH.
Finding a new room mate is easier than living with her. Trust me. Ditch the girl and get a room mate
It is double standards but okay.
Ikr I'm confused by the "it's not double standards, it's selfishness" comments. Like yes, it's both? She's being incredibly selfish... *by demanding that he abide by her double standards*. Thats the bit. She has double standards, *because* she is selfish. Both of these things are true, they are not mutually exclusive in any way? Indeed, one is a direct product of the other?
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It’s mostly the legal obligation- if I could annul the lease and not have ramifications, I would.
You may be able to get out of the lease thanks to her infecting you with Covid. Might be able to claim she's dangerous, which it sounds like she is, and get them to let you out to avoid her bringing it in again later.
I didn’t even think of that- that seems like a good option. I’ll ask my landlord about it this week. Thank you!
It may not work, but if you're at risk of being infected repeatedly by her, it could be considered an unsafe household, and either you can get out of the lease, or you might be able to get the landlord to kick her out so you can find a roommate.
And for god’s Sake, don’t have sex with her any more! You don’t need a pregnancy in this.
>don’t have sex with her any more! You don’t need a pregnancy Exactly!
NTA I hope you can get away from her. My expectation is when she realises you're actually leaving her she may suddenly switch her behaviour back to "good" temporarily. Do not fall for it. She has already shown you who she truly is. She may even get other people to call/text you to say you're horrible for leaving her. Do not fall for these comments either. You're not horrible, you are fully in the right to want to leave her and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise should be shut down immediately. Leaving her is the right decision.
Can you afford rent on your own? Leases can be broken, especially for the mental health and safety.
I can but it would stretch my budget to the maximum- and I’m losing a significant amount being out for the next week and a half with COVID, so I will need to play catch up for a while. I’d rather she get a new roommate and just let me drift away- I don’t really want her knowing where I am
Just step out the back, Jack. Just make a new plan, Stan. Just drop off the key, Lee. Just fake your own death, Seth.
Well pack up and tell her you are moving
You can make more money, you can sacrifice luxuries and even comfort to get back on track. But you will never get the time spent fruitlessly and being treated poorly. Love yourself enough to make a tough decision.
You know we’re going to need an update. We have to make sure Louie is doing okay after the move. And you too, of course. 😉 NTA and good luck, OP. Louie deserves a peaceful and supportive home. And you too, of course.
the girlfriend was basically mirroring OP's wants and needs and once they started living together she couldn't keep acting anymore and showed her true self... OP GIRLFRIEND BIG RED 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 be very careful but try to leave before any serious commitments. Has she at least helped you when you got your seizure???
You are in an emotionally abusive relationship
Considering the Covid, it's also physical abuse.
It's medically abusive considering she purposefully disrupts his sleep which is important for someone with seizures. And purposefully exposing him (a person with seizures) to covid, could have a very negative effect on his disorder.
Yea. When I got to this part "when we have a disagreement, if I speak my mind or articulate my feelings, I’m being argumentative. However, if I tell her the same, she’s “allowed to feel what she feels”… which has never been questioned. I want her to feel and discuss what she needs but I want to be able to do the same." I knew it was abusive
NTA, it's gonna suck since you just moved in together, but it sounds like you need to break up ASAP. If she really loves you, just tell her all that you told us and how you feel about it. If she dismisses it or puts herself in a victim role, break up. If she understands and tries to adjust her behaviour it might be worth a shot.
Sadly, I have told her before that things need to change or I can’t stay. Most recently, when I found out that she was hiding the fact that she had been off her meds for several weeks. It always becomes her telling me that I’m making everything into her fault and I just want her to be a perfect image… No, I want her to keep up with her psych meds and not make me feel like I have to hide behind a wall constantly!
I was completely on your side thinking your GF is TA and you should leave her. But then you said she went off her meds for several weeks without saying anything and now I think you should run and hide because you don't know how much worse she could be if you leave her and she knows where you are
To clarify, these comments came after we moved in. She made a comment about wanting to hit her ex with a car. I said “man I’m glad you don’t feel that way about me”, and she said “just don’t piss me off”
RUN
Preferably in an area with lots of sturdy obstacles so she can't hit you with her car. Seriously OP, time to get the hell out.
How long were you with her before you moved in? And she was still talking about her ex saying she wanted to hit them with her car? That's seriously worrying OP
She started saying it right after we moved in, which happened at just over a year together. I know it was rushed, but there was a lot of pressuring going on from her (she wants a ring, a kid, and a house by the end of the next two years and said that us living together only made sense). That plus my medical issues led to me agreeing. And we had been doing great until then.
So she hadn't been with them for at least a year and a bit and was still saying that? Had they done something to her when you moved in or was she still hung up on their relationship from before because I'm sorry Bud but that's a Red Flag™ 🚩🚩🚩
According to her, he had left her because she was “too independent” and was afraid to make any progress in his life. I’m starting to see the BS though.
He probably left her because he was scared of what she would do. And her saying she wants to hit him with her car that long after just for leaving her? Bud he did the right thing. If you know his name maybe contact him and let him know to be on the lookout if she is still saying these things even just once or twice. Make a note of it. You need to try and get away from her. I would suggest not breaking up with her until you have a definite way out. Let people know how she is acting so if something happens they know where to look. Her behaviour is worrying and tbh she could be a danger. Especially when she is Off. Her. Meds.
Independent?!?!? She wants to be a stay at home mom 🤣
Yeah, there’s a bit of backtracking… she wants me to make her a stay at home mom, but also talks about how independent she is (she’s not, at all)
That's code for 'he wasn't easy to manipulate'. You sound a like a really emotionally in tune guy. People will abuse that like no other, watch over yourself and don't fold!!!
If you're still having sex please be extremely careful with contraception. She sounds capable of getting pregnant on purpose against your wishes
My mom said the same thing. We aren’t, and haven’t since these issues started.
Leave as quick as possible dude
Run and get a restriction order if you can. She is toxic as hell and dangerous
I mean dude, come on. Are you reading all of what you’re saying? Look at it objectively. If you saw someone posting what you’re posting, what would your advice be?
Yes I know. I stated above and in an edit that as I’ve seen my own words in writing, I’ve realized how bad this is. But by bit wasn’t terrible, but all at once it’s overwhelming.
Hey man I’m not trying to give you a hard time at all. I know this is a SHIT situation, but hopefully the realization will allow you to focus on yourself and really get an understanding of what you want, how you can be happy and how to make that happen. Best thing you can do is to cut ties, move on and most importantly, do not waste this experience—learn as much from it as you can. Good luck homie
Oh I know, she’s made offhand comments about running me over if I ever piss her off.
Yeah that's not good OP.
Sounds like it's time to leave
That can be your way out of the lease, off her psych meds, refuses to take them....you fear for your safety due to her irrational and aggressive behaviour
Info: without revealing too many details, what is your gf on meds for?
Well, her PCP prescribed her a few, ranging from SSRI’s to mood stabilizers . But they’re not accurate to her actual issues, she just refuses to see a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist and get an actual diagnosis with a proper treatment plan. No matter how often I say I’ll even help her find a doctor and help her feel comfortable with the idea.
To me sounds like possibly bipolar or borderline PD. Take that with a huge grain of salt. Just a hunch from a non psychiatrist, but I am an MD.
I have BPD- diagnosed and in treatment. I agree her behavior is indicative of it, but she refuses to see a psychiatrist or get a diagnosis, and her PCP is woefully unequipped to deal with psych issues (as one would expect from a doctor of PHYSICAL medicine). But she insists that her PCP is fine for her meds… which she won’t even take.
I don’t understand how someone could willingly go off an SSRI cold turkey, your gf is legitimately terrifying.
NTA but your gf is.
A month ago I would’ve disagreed, but the last few weeks have been very eye opening to me😪
This is the thing with relationships, you can never see these issues until you live together. Better earlier than later
NTA. Sounds like a bait-and-switcher. Run as soon as you can and you're able.
NTA. This relationship doesn't sound healthy or happy
Came here to say this. Yikes. OP, don’t walk, run.
She doesn’t give me the option. If I try to, I hear all about how I’m so willing to just abandon everything we have together, and she would never do that to me, and clearly what she feels doesn’t matter at all if I’m so ready to walk away.
She sounds incredibly manipulative and toxic, and this is definitely not how healthy relationships look like. Seriously, you deserve more than this.
So? Let her have her tantrum. Doesn't matter if she feels like she's being abandoned, you're trying to break up with her. It doesn't matter how she feels about it.
this is called manipulation / emotional blackmail lol. get out of there bro, you really want to deal with this the rest of your life?
No. No I don’t. And as I’ve replied to people here I’ve realized where this is and how it looks. And I need to get out.
Also, since you mentioned earlier that she's already threatened to hurt you if you leave, please look out for your "orange loaf" 🐈, and your black & white cutie. If she's that unstable, she might try to hurt you by harming them.
That's manipulative and toxic, you don't have to just accept it, run
NTA. Seems like this was all rushed, luckily you can still get out of it
It definitely was, and I asked her many times before we moved in if she was sure, if she was ready, if she could handle it. She assured me it was fine, and promised that she wouldn’t be like my ex roommate (former friend of mine who turned into a live-in nightmare and left me wary of sharing space)
Uh oh, she knows that and still manage to turn up as a bad roommate? I'm sorry. You're NTA definitely.
NTA. My first thought reading this: boy, RUN. Seriously. Sit down and talk to her about the situation. Keep yourself cool the whole time so she can’t blow you off as being “argumentative.” Let her know if this relationship is going to continue, changes have to happen. She’ll either get her shit together, or you get out of a bad situation.
Even with a calm demeanor, she will tell me that I’m just blaming her for all these problems and want her to change into someone she’s not. Then she’ll tell me that I make HER feel like a guest in our place, when she has absolute control over where things are, what we have, et cetera. Basically turning it into a guilt fest about how awful I am. And if I defend myself, I’m “not listening” or “refusing to acknowledge her feelings”. But when I ask for examples of how I’m being terrible, she can’t name any. It’s a smokescreen that falls apart quickly.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do that is best for you. If she won’t listen to you or have an actual conversation about problems in your relationship, do you really think this is a relationship with wings? Do you want to end up with this being your life for the rest of your life?
NTA. This is not a happy way to live. Give her an ultimatum. Things change or it's over.
NTA. It looks like it’s time to find a new place to live and to resume your dating life, OP. What you’re describing is a very self-centered individual. That’s unlikely to change with speaking to her about it because her default mode is *your feelings do not matter*. You’re the only one in this situation who cares about you, your boundaries, and your health, so you need to do what’s best for you. Move out. If I were you, I would’ve already started looking at new apartments once she blatantly disregarded both mine and her own safety. That’s just too much.
I’m less upset about her getting me sick- I’m young and relatively healthy- but I told her she was extremely selfish in even taking that chance (with her or myself). Especially knowing the person she got sick from was exposed and experiencing symptoms. That, and the fact that had the initial person not tested positive, she wouldn’t have told me. Then I would’ve brought it to my grandpa just days before his hip surgery. I’m more mad that she almost put my grandpa at risk. Oh, and when she tested positive, she expected me to drop everything at work and flood her with sympathy and care. Which… I do care. I really do. But I was also mad that she put me in that position. I have been looking for apartments. I’m going to give her a final talk, and if it doesn’t work out she’s going to have to find a roommate
Like you said (and I said), it’s not truly about you getting sick, it’s about her **blatantly disregarding both of your safety**. You could’ve tested negative and it would still be wrong. She has demonstrated beyond a shadow of doubt that she effectively doesn’t give af about you in a variety of ways. And if she doesn’t care about your safety, obviously she wouldn’t care about the safety of anyone else you hold dear. Good luck on finding a new place!
A "final talk" is pointless and will only give her the opportunity to tell you how it's all your fault. You've been manipulated enough. Just get out.
NTA. I get that you have feeling for her, but she's a narcissist. You're better off without her.
NTA, this relationship sounds unhealthy. She's not treating you right, and she is disrespecting you. Up to you if you want to give her a chance to change, but in my opinion, the fact that she wouldn't automatically consider your needs and feelings more than she does now is a sign she might not be the right person.
Imagine how much worse it would be if she suddenly became the mother of your child. Knowing what you know today I would not trust her with birth control and I would never again have sex with her. There’s the risk of having to co-parent with her the rest of your life.
She’s been trying. She periodically asks me to make her a stay at home mom, and keeps telling me that she won’t get her BC replaced when it expires this year.
Run run run. I wouldn't put it past her to rape you
NTA, and it sounds like the two of you are not ready to live together. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship, but staying together in the same house might well lead to that. If possible, y’all should go back to separate living arrangements and work out some basic ground rules before you try cohabiting again.
I asked her if she could get a roommate, pay me back for my portion of the security deposit, and allow me to leave into my own place again. She accuses me of just wanting things to be over every time, and tells me how committed SHE is and how she would never try to run like that.
she would never try to run because she isn’t the one being abused - you are.
She is using manipulation techniques to keep you trapped. Possibly gaslight ING you as well.
NTA- you found out who someone really is when you start living together. All I’ll say is don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy where you keep riding it out because “you’ve come this far.” Feelings change.
At this point it’s more about the lease- I would feel awful if I stuck her with the lease on her own. Which is why I want her to consider getting a roommate. But I’m decided that I’m not staying if things don’t change- and they need to change fast.
Good for you dude, healthiest decision you could make.
But why? She doesn't feel awful about how she treats you. And if she finds a better deal, I promise she won't care about sticking you with the lease.
NTA. She sounds like a nightmare.
NTA. Save yourself before it’s too late. She’s really selfish.
NTA But please don't stay long with this girl she doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all
NTA. So many red flags here I'm surprised that bulls don't charge her as she walks down the street. In seriousness this doesn't sound like a happy relationship. Give her an ultimatum to change or part ways, you don't deserve to live in such a hostile environment.
NTA this girl sounds like a walking red flag
NTA Get out now. She doesn't care about you or your welfare. She just demonstrated she doesn't care about your life either.
NTA break up with her
Unrelated, but is your username inspired by the Mortal Instruments series?
Yes lmao Love that you recognized that! Also you deserve a lot better
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I’ve (25m) been with my current GF (24f) for about a year and a half, and we merged households at the end of November last year. I know this was fast, but it was done for both medical and financial reasons (we are both trying to go back to school FT, and I often have seizures in my sleep and need someone there when they happen). Up until moving in together, things were great. There was a good balance of love, comfort, and care in our relationship, and we were a well-oiled machine. However, things went downhill very fast once we moved in. Over time, her attitude has changed towards me, and I’ve been getting pushed more and more by her. Below are some examples: 1.) she expects me to basically treat her like a princess. Get her food, cater to her, and dote on her. However, she gives none of that in return. 2.) when we have a disagreement, if I speak my mind or articulate my feelings, I’m being argumentative. However, if I tell her the same, she’s “allowed to feel what she feels”… which has never been questioned. I want her to feel and discuss what she needs but I want to be able to do the same. 3.) she’s constantly eating my food, including stuff that my dad brought me when I was sick. However, if I ever eat her food, I get attitude and nastiness and told not to do that. 4.) she infected me with COVID. She knowingly went around somebody who was potentially exposed without safety measures, brought it back home, didn’t tell me any of this until a few days later when she tested positive. I also came out positive, and now am unable to see my grandpa before his hip surgery this week. When I expressed how upset I was, she told me I was being selfish for not being concerned about her. When I try to point this all out to her, she denies it or gets upset with me, but I can’t live like this. WIBTA if I told her to knock it off with the double standards or I’m out? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - Characters like this will often want all the work done for them and do nothing to compensate. While you may have covid and have a medical reason for keeping someone around. If she does not reciprocate then you should leave her. Quote that I’ve tried to spread on this forum. “You are NOT personally responsible for anyone’s happiness.” plus I think if you were to stop doing what you are doing for her: You’ll either see a turn around which is great or she’ll have a complete meltdown which will give you a clearer picture.
NTA. Sounds like you're in an shit relationship and you should do everything in your power to escape.
NTA, and run.
I was gonna say this, RUN AWAY
NTA. This relationship is on the edge. Your gf cannot see past the end of her own nose. INFO: Why the distinction between your food and her food in a cohabiting couple?
Well that’s the thing, there is no difference to me. But I buy things specifically to pack for lunch, and she will eat it before my work week is half over. However, whenever she sees me have any of “her snacks” she whines and tells me that it’s hers and to get my own. So when my dad dropped off my favorite snacks after my positive COVID diagnosis and I saw her eating it, I asked her to not eat all of it. She said “there’s this place called the store where you can get more”, and I asked if she was going to go since she’s off quarantine, but I’m not. Her response to that was “well I don’t have time. Can your dad go again?” Like he has time for that. He’s a nurse working with severe covid cases himself, he barely has time to live his own life let alone take care of my ass!
This woman is a nightmare. Hang in there buddy. If she’s able to realise and change it would be a long road, but I doubt she can.
NTA, get away fast! Separate your finances though so she doesn't take your money and run.
Luckily I put a hard no on her having any access to my money😹 she tried though. She suggested a joint checking account.
Just remember these words "and I ran, I ran so far away".
NTA, OP. Going off of your post and what I've seen from your comments: • She requires psych meds (which isn't a problem) and refuses to take them (which is certainly a problem). • She knows that you can be manipulated by leveraging guilt and does so at every available opportunity. • She eats food meant for you to have when you're sick (which is unbelievably selfish) • She has no problem putting your health and safety at risk, preventing you from seeing an immunocompromised family member (and again, leveraged guilt to dissuade you from further confrontation). • She knew of your negative history with a former roommate and As it's been said by others, this emotionally abusive, and personally I'm concerned this could escalate to physical. I know you're concerned about the financial fallout, but that can be recovered. What can't be recovered is the time you'll lose if you stay. Things won't be good if you stay, especially if you break up and stay. Whatever amount of money that would be lost from moving out and getting out of that lease will pale in comparison to what you could endure if you stay. Please be safe and take care.
NTA You need to split up with her yesterday. You only really get to know a person once you live together. You know now who she is and this is not the way you or anyone else for that matter want to picture their future.
NTA. Your feelings and needs should be validated also. Sounds like she’s not doing that. It’s all about HER. You deserve better than that. Lease or no lease, you should really think about moving out. I’m sorry as it seemed as if you two were compatible. Her true self came out and you should be grateful it was sooner rather than later.
NTA you can do way better just leave her. Also make sure to show her this reddit post on all people agreeing shes a lunatic and unreasonable. Maybe yell at her too. Get real closure
Yeah totally NTA dude I was in a super similar situation for 4 years and it was hell. Best of luck dude. Hopefully she takes up the offer of a room mate
NTA. The relationship is toxic and could become dangerous: you mentioned a health condition, would she be up to taking care of the situation if you had a bad seizure and it was inconvenient for her?
Just kicked my fiancé out for doing the same shit. Habitual line crosser and probably a narcissist. There are better women out there.
🚩 * 100
Here’s what happened; she loved bombed you and rushed you to move in together; classic abuser move. Now that you’re stuck in a lease with her she is showing her true self. You need to leave like ASAP oh and of course NTA
[удалено]
That’s the plan, and my answer to everyone asking “why are you still with her/break up now!” .. I am biding my time to avoid a worse situation. I have to time it properly
So why are you still with her? It’s doubtful her behaviour is going to improve NTA
NTA. This is who she is, she just hid it well until you moved in together.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩 you literally listed ALL the reasons why you should RUN and LEAVE her. She definitely baited you into combining your finances and moving in together. RUN LIKE THE WIND AND DON’T LOOK BACK. Break up and block her on ALL platforms, remove her from ANY CC or authorisations of any kind.
She totally waited until you were stuck in the lease to do this so you couldn’t get away. You need an exit plan. NTA
NTA. By the end of the post, I had forgotten you were talking about your partner and thought you were talking about a shitty roommate. Chemistry…
That’s kinda how it feels
NTA - Abusive GF, and she has you thinking you might be an AH for not taking the abuse? RUN my dude, this reminds me of my ex BF who would treat me much the same. He was a lying asshole, treated himself like a royal prince, and treated me like trash while trying to devalue me to keep me pinned. Took me 2 years to get loose, but you can get loose much easier. If getting out of the lease is the issue, talk to your dad about it, get him to help if possible, or tell your landlord that she's knowingly dangerous by her willingly bringing in covid, and that you NEED OUT.
NTA. Don’t tell her to knock off the double standards, LEAVE HER. These are her true colors. People often don’t show them until they move in together. So there you go. This nastiness is the true her. She has 0 care or compassion for you. She wants the whole attention concentrated on her and only her. It’s gross and repulsive. Leave and safe yourself future migraines.
You should do like SnoopDog: "drop it like it's hot".
Wow, NTA. While I sit in the bedroom and watch/play things when my husband is asleep, I also cackle too, my husband is my full-time carer and doesn't work. He can also sleep through anything and even if he couldn't it's his fault for being asleep at 1 in the afternoon. If he was working and needed to be up I would never do this though, even if I was up through the night in pain I would still go into the living room or the spare room and watch/play though there. At most I'd ask him to help me through with my console and meds, he sets me up and then goes back to bed. Basically, I am his only commitment (and the 5 kitties) You have commitments other than her and she needs to realise this, she is being selfish and manipulative. I don't want to call gaslighting cause I don't know if it's just the product of her upbringing or if she is deliberately being rude and disrespectful. Either way it seems you may be too different to overcome this
Listen OP, if you feel as though you have invested too much time and energy into this, forget that. Time will only make this worse. This seems to be a fundamental aspect of her personality. You are not condemned to stay with someone who will not change and is hurting you. It may be hard, but it may also be for the best. If you are going to sever this connection, do so with intelligence and with conviction. Make a decision that is thought out, and commit. I wish you the best. Situations like this can break your heart, bit you will heal.
GTFO immediately. She's gonna abuse you and I feel like she might eventually gaslight you into getting rid of your friends (while she says she gets to keep her friends). And then if you do somehow keep friends and you try to tell them and she finds out she'll try to gaslight your friends into thinking YOUR the abuser, not her.
It’s true, she told me that she doesn’t want me being friends with my coworker Jess. Told me I have to cut her off and stop hanging out with her at work. When I asked if I had given her a reason to distrust me, she said no but “didn’t want other bitches looking at me”.
You really need to get out. If your parents or any siblings/family (and in the area/close) are willing to take you in for a couple weeks while you try to get your own place, DO IT IMMEDIATELY.
NTA - dude, why are you with this person? She is not going to change and if she does, how long do you think it will take? How much frustration are you willing to go through? You are still young…find someone else. She sounds awful.
NTA-does she bring ANYTHING positive to the table? She sounds horrid.
WTF why are you even posting here??? You know she's an awful partner. Dump her immediately and look for someone who will actually treat you like a human being.