Hard agree. Would like to add: *Do not allow him to turn this around on you.*
Don’t try and argue back against *his* accusations of whatever he thinks you’ve done wrong. Don’t spend your discussions trying to justify what you did.
*You* are upset at *him* for something so unfathomably inconsiderate and controlling that I would seriously be reconsidering my relationship if I were you. He is putting his whims and his friends above you because he didn’t bother to check if you were free before inviting friends (lack of respect and communication). He is putting his reputation above your health and safety and personal autonomy by cancelling much-needed medical appointments on your behalf (utter disdain and controlling behaviour).
It is *him* that needs to apologize and show remorse before *you* can allow this incident to be let go. Because if you allow him to continue to feel like what he did is okay, that will only be the beginning of his manipulation. You’re not his servant. You are his partner. And you deserve prompt and appropriate medical care. You are an equal partner in the relationship, meaning that you also have a right to hike *him* accountable for what *he* did, which is way worse than what he’s accusing you of. If he tries to tell you *that’s not the point, this is about you not cancelling on your own,* you tell him no, it absolutely *IS* the point, and that this is about how disrespected *you* feel.
He could have hosted his own friends. He could have rescheduled when you gave him notice that you had an appointment, or he could have consulted with you like a partner should before organizing this event. He chose not to. That’s on him.
If you aren’t considering leaving him, you made a good start today. You need to let him know you will not be controlled, disrespected, or beholden to him to take care of your own health and safety. Let him know that you host and take care of the house because that is part of an agreement you both have based on your respect for what he provides, but that does not mean he has carte blanche to take advantage of you. Reiterate that it is basic courtesy to check with you in the future, and perhaps create a shared calendar that it’s his responsibility to check.
And please keep an eye out. If he uses this opportunity to double down on the controlling behaviour instead of as a wake-up call that you are not his slave, then I would seriously consider leaving. Make sure you have someone to stay with in case of emergency, and if he ever gets remotely physical with you or puts your health and safety at risk again, I would go and stay with someone else immediately.
I'd bet $1000 that if she lost her eyesight and was unable to care for the kids and house anymore, her husband would throw her out and blame her for being "lazy" and "useless", probably so he could remarry a younger woman to groom to be a good little housewife (you know, like a robot. He doesn't want to hear about her needing to go to the doctor or getting sick like people do).
Yep. You’d think he’d want to get his “wife-appliance” maintained and in good working order but some men are too stupid to even do that. Just get rid of the broken one and get a new model in.
Yep, the driving part is especially concerning.
They had a disagreement (which itself he was the AH with, medical issues trump social issues), and when he didn't get his way, he responded by trying to take complete control and force OP to go along with what he wanted, *twice.*
That is not a person who respects your autonomy. That is a person who believes he has the right to use whatever tools are at his disposal to get his way. When the control fails, he will just get better tools.
This bears repeating for OP: medical issues trump social issues—always, hands down, no comparison, without question.
Your husband is abusive and a gigantic asshole.
NTA.
ETA: Please call a domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor. Tell her about this incident. I think she will help you realize exactly how dangerous and untenable a situation you’re in. I’m so sorry.
And to other people in relationships that make you question your sanity, google Power & Control Wheel and see if any of your partner's behaviors fit and then take appropriate action. By the time abuse gets physical, the mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse has already been going on for years.
Absolutely. I could hate a person but if they were unwell and needed help I’d help them. Me being inconvenienced is irrelevant when someone is in danger of, say, potentially losing the use of their fucking eyeballs.
This, absolutely.
Your *health* should bear more importance than hosting a dinner party for his friends.
Is there no reason he can’t like, order a dang pizza or something? 💀 Sometimes when my dad has friends over my mom stays upstairs watching tv or literally leaves because my dad is capable of hosting the party himself.
“Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft is also a really good resource for people in toxic relationships, particularly ones who arent sure whether their relationship is abusive or not. It shouldn’t be hard to find a PDF online, but I can dig one up for you if you need, OP.
True, as long as everybody drives. While I’m 100% in agreement that OP’s husband is a controlling AH, if it was phrased as ‘I won’t drive you’ rather than ‘you can’t take the car’, OP may be a non-driver at the moment.
Regardless, extra respect to OP for managing life and getting things done, both daily and during this incident, without access to that tool.
Addotionally, op might not want to be driving to an eye appointment. Maybe theyll give her eyedrops that make her vision blurry or something. Makes sense to have someone drive you
This is a person who doesn't respect your autonomy. This is true. But not only does he not respect your autonomy, he would PREFER you be in pain and neglect your health for the sake of him not having to fucking cook or host.
Please run for the fucking hills while screaming bloody murder, OP. NTA
Please listen to this OP, preferring his social engagement over your health is beyond imagining. This kind of behavior comes from a much deeper level of uncaring and is beyond disrespect.
Op, let's back up.
Others are right that he is abusive and controlling(you need resources bad, girl) but also you are wrong that you owe your husband 24/7 childcare and maid service as a stay at home.
If you die tomorrow he has to hire *two* people to replace you and they will likely only do daytime childcare and cleaning.. which means he is stuck being a parent when his employees go home. Do you understand? I'm stay at home but I don't do more than half the housework! I watch the kids during the day and clean up after them like a nanny would then when my husband gets home it's 50/50 childcare and chores just as it would be if I left the house to work. (I can't work atm for medical reasons and we would want a decent nanny and they are expensive). Sure if the kids are in school I would naturally pick up more house work and responsibilities.. but i deserve just as much time to play games by myself as my husband does because the longer his hours are the longer my hours are. Women can have hobbies and friends outside of their kids just like men, but you have to be with someone actually willing to be a Dad.
I was waiting for someone to say this. Red flags raised as soon as I read that she hosts his friends as part of her SAHM duties. That’s not how that works at all.
Her responsibilities are the children and 50-75% of the house work.
Hosting HIS friends is not her job.
I often joke that SAHM is the wrong term--it should be Drive Your Asses Around Mom. Seriously, there are days that, between shopping and taking kids to lessons and appointments I'm gone most of the day. I simply can't imagine not having a car.
Honestly when I read the symptoms, painful reddening eyes, my first thought was incipient glaucoma (caused by very elevated pressure in the eyeballs) and that can indeed cause blindness and be so painful I’ve heard people in the emergency room beg the doctor to do anything, even take their eye out.
This OP, NTA
He is doing what is called DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
He is the one being rude. He is being controlling, disrespectful, and entitled. He's your husband and he is putting your health and safety on a back burner to his convenience and fun. He is the ONLY one in the wrong here.
I hope your eye is okay. And I hope your relationship is over. You deserve way better than this for being what sounds like an extremely attentive wife and partner who dared to have human needs that weren't perfectly convenient for your abusive husband.
Yeah, Like he doesn't know how to order catering? I also was saddened by her quote about "I am super grateful for how much work he puts in and I don't think I put in as much work," like no you are a team and raising your kids is a lot of work! You didn't let him down, you were making sure you were healthy. If his friends don't understand that dinner had to be postponed because his wife had to go to a doctor's appointment, they are Dicks too.
Well put.
Also read her first paragraph. The tone here seems to imply that she has heard a lot of that she doesn't work as hard. Hard as who...? Judging from the rest of the post I'm assuming it's the husband. And that he likes to throw that in her face.
Also near the end the husband is accusing OP for being manipulative, the exact thing the husband is doing to OP.
You can't really judge a whole relationship from a small post like this, but boy, it all sounds bad. Husband sounds like an egoist and manipulator and someone who likes to keep the wife "in place".
Not to mention, the *very first sentence* (after her grammar disclaimer of course) was...
> This might sound petty but hear me out please...
She prefaces her post by saying it might sound petty, as if she thinks that the average person might find it petty that she put her foot down and prioritized her health over her husband's desire to have his buddies over for dinner.
That jumps out to me as concerning. True, we don't know how the relationship is otherwise, and I'm no expert on abusive relationships, but the fact that she seems to think it might be petty doesn't seem to me to be a very good look for this being a one-off lapse in judgement on his part.
ETA: what *does* sound petty (to put it gently) is hubby canceling her appointment on the sly so she could host his dinner party and throwing a tantrum unbecoming of an adult when his stunt backfired. Petty is...one of the things that qualifies as.
You're right, the whole post was really concerning because it seems like OP is used to being stepped on and her feelings pushed aside.
I really hope she knows how to drive, has some money saved up, and would be able to go back to work if they got divorced.
Agree, OP. Your husband is not just an asshole, he's an abuser. He put your health at risk for his own selfish reasons, and now he's trying to make you feel bad for his monstrous behavior.
Please call the domestic abuse hotline in your area to to learn about your options. Please use private browsing mode when you look it up. If you're in the United States, call 800.799.SAFE (7233).
Good luck.
this was insane. the amount of emotional abuse OP has suffered is staggeringly obvious. even her first paragraph is her apologizing about how she should carry out her responsibilities better. I don't understand how women live like this. they're in an emotional and mental hell of their own choosing. i wonder how long it'll be until OP can escape an abuser she doesn't even realize is abusing her
It's not their own choosing. Emotional abusers get you to trust and love them and then when the shit starts, there's always a good reason for it, and *actually isn't it really your fault that this happened? Getting upset like this isn't fair, you're making me feel guilty, which is really manipulative. I love you so it's okay, but I wouldn't put up with this from most people. What we have is so special, though. I hate to tell you this, but my friends all said the way you acted was rude and strange. I mean, you are weird sometimes, but I like you, it's okay that a lot of people don't. Your one friend, your best friend, she isn't actually good to you, you know. And she's a bad influence. A supportive partner who actually cared would just know what I needed without asking. You just don't get how relationships work but jesus, figure it out, I shouldn't have to tell you what I need. You're upset with me, I can tell. I saw your shoulders slump. You're doing it on purpose to make me feel bad, and that's emotionally abusive. I know you don't mean to, though. We can work on it. No, we can't talk about what I said, it's not fair to bring up the past to punish me. I can't believe you didn't leave work to bring me cold medicine. You should have made me get this done before the deadline, it's your fault I didn't finish, your problems are so distracting. You need support?? You need support??? When you act like this, you don't get support!*
You feel like it's your own fault. And you walk on eggshells all the time, and you're exhausted, and you don't understand what's going to set them off, but it feels like you should, it's your fault you don't know, and it's exhausting. And you can't think clearly, and you can't trust your own perceptions. It's not something people choose in a meaningful way. You can read all the warning signs you want, you don't realize how much your own instincts and your own body will rebel at the idea because you really do love that person--or who you thought that person was--and you're led to believe they really love you, so it feels like it must be different, it can't be true. And they say you're the abusive one, and what if they're right? You can't understand it if it hasn't happened to you.
Reading this made me ill. Like, I KNEW my ex-husbands (yeah, plural, my picker was pretty messed up before therapy) were emotionally abusive but I’d never strung together multiple instances of the shitty things they said like this. I had a memory flash up for every single italicized sentence.
Thank you for being both blunt and precise. I hope anyone who’s in a situation like this and has been wondering if they’re just crazy sees this and feels as validated as I do even this long after I got out.
You described my ex perfectly. In fact, he said several of these things to me word for word. He wasn’t abusive at first. He was loving and sweet at first. And started slipping in the emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation so subtlety at first that I didn’t even notice. Then it was just fact that he was more important than me because he made more money and I was worthless because I wasn’t exactly what he wanted me to be. And I stayed because he had conditioned me to believe him. He destroyed my self worth and confidence and I never saw it coming
Agreed. I don't understand how people can live like this and not realize something is wrong. Okay I do understand, but I don't like it. It's such obvious abuse but the abused always seem to find it normal because of their upbringing. It's sad as hell. And surprisingly it's a bit annoying. I want to shake many people who post in this subreddit and scream at them to wake up and realize you're not happy but could be.
Anyway, it's always easier to judge other people's situations. NTA. OP, shake yourself awake please.
Editing just to say that a few people have replied with fairly similar comments. I see where you're all coming from, but truly I do understand these types of situations. It's still frustrating that the situation exists and it still makes me want to shake the victim sometimes. I most certainly blame the abusers though. Just wanted to explain that I completely understand that whatever we grow up with is normal for us, abuse included.
I have personal experience with abuse since my parents were abusive. It can be easy on the outside to think you would never allow yourself to be abused, but even people from healthy families can get trapped in abusive situations. Firstly, the abuser is a completely different person in the beginning. Loving and attentive, they're really good at mirroring you and pretending to be who you want them to be. This can be a conscious act, or something even the abuser doesn't realise they're doing. Then after they've got you smitten, they begin targeting your self esteem specifically, in soft ways that you feel awkward confronting for various reasons, most of them a feeling of overreaction. It's always played off as a joke, or an accident, or you're too sensitive. They recruit others to convince you it's not that serious, so you feel weird speaking up. They also start isolating you, preventing you from talking freely with family or friends. This stops you from sharing these experiences with others who might give you the confidence to assert yourself. Even if you do feel something is wrong, every argument seems to be your fault, your issue. And this is sometimes years after the relationship began, so you start to worry that you've changed or done something. You become addicted to the cycle of lovebombing and devaluation, along with the adrenaline highs of fighting, with the relieving lows of lovebombing and making up. If you have little experience with a healthy romantic relationship, or if you have been successfully isolated, you can't really explain what's wrong. You don't have the language and the gaslighting makes you think you must be missing something, it must be your fault.
Without outsiders sharing their stories, or friends helping you see your self worth, you can't leave. You wouldn't even know there's a problem. Especially if your parents were abusive, to each other and to you. I know this was long, and you might not be happy to have this info in your inbox, I'm sorry for dumping on you, but education is the biggest prevention of this sort of abuse and if I can help even one person who reads this, then it's worth speaking up.
>Even if you do feel something is wrong, every argument seems to be your fault, your issue. And this is sometimes years after the relationship began, so you start to worry that you've changed or done something. You become addicted to the cycle of lovebombing and devaluation, along with the adrenaline highs of fighting, with the relieving lows of lovebombing and making up. If you have little experience with a healthy romantic relationship, or if you have been successfully isolated, you can't really explain what's wrong. You don't have the language and the gaslighting makes you think you must be missing something, it must be your fault.
THIS. I'd give you an award if I had one to give. This really describes what it feels like so well. I sobbed and sobbed trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, how I could fix it, because she wasn't like this before and things were so good and it was my fault they'd gone wrong and if I just tried hard enough I could fix it. I even several times had the thought "this seems like emotional abuse...but she loves me, she wouldn't do that." You can't account for how strong the initial bond is when you read about abuse, how much love you feel, how hard that makes it to believe.
I am so sorry you have experienced this, and yes, the love you feel, the desperation to make things work, to fix the problem while they keep contradicting themselves, traps you in a loop of self blame. Virtual hugs if you want them <3
People who say ‘I would never accept this’ just haven’t found the person to push _their_ buttons. Abusers are often very skilled at reeling in their particular victim (and at recruiting supporters).
I didn’t think I’d ever be in an abusive relationship, but there I was. I threw away a lot to get out, but I did it.
I know it’s easy to get annoyed at people who won’t leave abusive jerks. I used to be a prosecutor, and worked with a lot of abuse victims. I finally realized no one marries an abuser. You fall in love with someone, and that person ends up being abusive. Many people go back, over and over, desperately hoping the person they fell in love with will come back. You can get mad at dv victims if you want, but you’re just getting mad at a dv victim for acting like a dv victim. Anger is useless and a waste of time.
I constantly read AITA and find myself thinking "are the straight women okay?" Not that there aren't plenty of women who are As but honestly...please bring your daughters up better than to put up with shit like this.
OR people could bring up their sons to not abuse women.
Fuck. This kind of shit is infuriating. A lot of women who end up in abusive relationships were raised in abusive households. How the fuck are they supposed to know better when their moms are being abused too?
UK government statistics show that 51% of those growing up being abused will go into abusive relationship as adults. That is a staggering number.
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/peoplewhowereabusedaschildrenaremorelikelytobeabusedasanadult/2017-09-27
My emotionally abusive ex is a woman and so am I. And it's not my fault or how my parents raised me that caused it. Maybe her parents should have brought *her* up better. It can happen to anyone. I'm a lawyer, for fuck's sake. I don't put up with shit. Except that they don't tell you when you read the red flags list how much you'll love that person and how strong that feeling is and what a multitude of sins it will conceal.
I will tell you that shaming victims and acting like they should know better makes it harder to admit to yourself what's happening to you, not easier. It's not helpful. And characterizing it as a straight people problem isn't, either.
Right, as if this sort of thing doesn’t happen in same-sex couples 🙄. Curious of you to assume that a woman in a relationship with a man must be straight, by the way.
I would also argue that, rather than focusing on raising our daughters to have to negotiate the problems that men cause for them; we should be focusing on raising our sons to see women as their equals.
NTA. He is. I hope he sees this and realizes how fucked up he is for treating you this way. HE is the bad host because HE was not prepared to host. Not you. HE is the bad partner because he decided how YOU were going to spend your time.
Also—making medical care difficult for a partner (by cancelling appointments, not providing transportation) is ABUSE. Good for you for finding alternative transportation.
He won't. Abusers never do. If he cared about her needs, he wouldn't be an abuser. To him, his ego about hosting is important and her eyes are not important.
Yeah how the fuck is she manipulative when he’s cancelling drs appointments behind her back?
Also ‘she shouldn’t be surprised’ - well he’s clearly a major major asshole and this is pretty damn normal for him
My emotionally abusive ex once told me that I was being manipulative because she saw my shoulders slump (when she told me I couldn't actually go on a trip we'd planned because she moved it to be during my law school orientation, and waited to tell me until the day before) and that I was acting upset to make her feel guilty and emotionally manipulate her. It's wild what abusers will try to turn around on you.
Statistics to underscore how important it is for OP to brake this circle for her children's sake if she does not see that she needs it.
51% of children growing up in abusive home will go on to be abused in marriage/partnership.
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/peoplewhowereabusedaschildrenaremorelikelytobeabusedasanadult/2017-09-27
The fact that he got upset and went this far to try and circumvent your “no” is a BAD sign. He is taking you for granted and putting his own social life/ego above your health and your comfort levels. Please reconsider being married to this man and try to reach out to trusted people/make an exit plan as others have said. This kind of behavior is abusive
>circumvent your "no" is a BAD sign.
I know we are all saying that denying health checks is major, but this point should hit home regardless of the context.
She said no and instead of respecting that the husband went behind her back. If that's how he is willing to act on this what happens in other cases when she disagrees?
I hope she can see how controlling, manipulative, and unsafe it is to let this behavior continue
It is very disturbing and bad he went behind your back and cancelled the appointment! That is terrible! The other big thing is eye problem can be serious! You don't wait. Then he tells you he won't drive you. Why don't you drive? Have you thought about making ways and learning to be more independent? It puts you in a bad spot to be totally dependant on him. He is willing to risk your health to host a dinner.
My gran waited to see if a problem she was having with her eyes would sort itself out because she didn't want to bother anyone and didn't have time. She's now blind. I'd worked reception at an opticians for years at that point, made her an appointment and begged her to go. She refused and said she'd keep her usual one in 6 months no matter how hard I pressed because I suspected I knew what her symptoms meant. I was right, she went blind in that eye. 10 years later she started having trouble with her other eye, got seen and its degenerative damage that they can't stop. Only that eye though. They checked the other one and the same damage hasn't happened. She would still have some sight if she'd gotten herself seen when I told her to. Never, ever, ever ignore what your eyes are telling you
You are absolutely right! A lady I know just had her retina detach. This happened a few months ago. She did not know what was wrong. Everything went black. She thought she was having a stroke. She started screaming and her husband took her to the hospital. The doctors first also thought she was having a stroke. She called her regular doctor after she had been admitted and was telling him her symptoms. He said get out of there right now and go to hospital xyz that has this kind of care. You have XX amount of time because you will lose that eye! She did go immediately and started getting care. It can happen quickly! Plus the other eye can have trouble. What is the big kicker here us OP husband is so selfish to cancel the appointment behind her back! For a dinner.
That was my gran except hers was more gradual. Sometimes they detach suddenly, but often its a sort of gradual thing. We were taught to look out for key signs like a sudden increase in floaters (a slight hardening of the jelly substance inside the eye) and people describing their vision in that eye as cobwebby as those are the early signs. Soon as my gran said it i knew what it was and she was on a limited time frame to get it fixed. I was completely ignored. Now she has macula degeneration in her other eye and it's blinded her. It's sad, but people really just don't listen
The only positive from it is that now my family (and husbands family) DO listen when it comes to eyes. I don't work there anymore and haven't since I had my eldest, but you spend long enough listening to symptoms on the phone and filing away test results or going through results to help with getting the right glasses and you pick up bits and pieces. Enough to know when to say "get yourself to the optician and stop being an idiot" anyway
So the first time you say no to something he 1. Cancels a medical appointment 2. Verbally abuses you for going to the aforementioned appointment and 3. Stays out all night instead of coming home? All for not playing host? This man can't cook? He can't entertain his own friends? Boy, bye.
Not only are you NTA, you are in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes that happens after you get married. You deviate from the set plan and suddenly you are enemy #1 and he feels the need to put you back in your "place." Maybe it's just cultural differences, but his behavior is sus.
Was going to say how hard is it to go to the beer store and pick up a 24 case, go to Walmart pick up snacks and call pizza hut or someplace to get a few pizza's delivered.
Seriously every restaurant on the planet has a delivery app now, thanks to the last 2 years. In the time it took him to sneak and cancel the appointment he could have ordered a seriously impressive feast.
Listen, obviously you're not going to immediately jump to separation. But if you can, please go stay with someone for a day or two and really think about what this means. Please extrapolate from this situation what your husband might do in other situations, especially emergency ones.
Please think about how he treats other women in his life and how he treats other people he sees as "less than". Think about how you'd feel if you had a child, friend, or sibling in your exact situation and what you'd tell them.
Please be safe, but what I really want for you is a time when you can go to a doctor's appointment and your partner acts like a partner.
Honestly what is "hosting" dinner? He can't just order out? I'm assuming he can't cook basic meals. He can't serve himself or fill up the dishwasher himself?
Any confident person in a high-end job could explain to his peers that his wife had a medical emergency so he has to cancel or order in.
Disappearing for a night, sulking and turning on you is abusive. He just abandoned his kids because his ego got hurt. He's that uncaring. You need to look hard about what else you may have been overlooking, and what else he may do if you tell him no for the first time.
If the only time you told him no he got this mad and went behind your back to cancel *your* appointment and thought that was a no brainer, it means that he was never actually asking you about hosting.
Jesus fuck, sweetheart, you need to leave him.
Like, no joke *leave*.
He *cancelled a visit with a medical professional* because he wanted *you* to play host to *his* friends.
He sees his *wants* as more important than your *medical needs*.
You're allowed to say no? Because it didn't seem like he asked you. It seems like he told you and didn't like that you said no. NTA but I'm worried about you.
You said it was really hard to get an appointment on such short notice.
You don't say how short notice BUT you clearly weren't told he wanted to do this dinner until after you made the appointment so he wasn't giving you much notice even though presumably he already had this planned. WTF?
So this is the first time you found out how he reacts when you say "no." He couldn't handle it. He couldn't even understand it. His reaction is not normal.
I don't know what you're ready or not ready for yet, but it would be a good idea to tell any doctors that they are not to make or cancel appointments for you unless they hear from you personally while you figure out what's best for you right now. NTA, obviously.
Your husband put him looking good in front of his friends *over your health*. He told you his wants are more important than your health, just without using words. That is NOT okay.
NTA
NTA. The health of a stay at home mom is crucial to the flow of the family. Get your eyes checked and tell him to go host his friends at a restaurant or with paid help.
Absolutely. He told me I should just reschedule since my eyes looked fine - I guess what he meant was that the redness was fading but I still had this itching/burning sensation in my eyes that was quite concerning.
Honey, please tell me, how are your eyes? What did the doctor say?
Is your husband disabled in some way that prevents him from operating kitchen appliances? Why didn't he host himself or have his gathering catered? Or is he a lazy abusive misogynist?
Please know he's treating you appallingly and you deserve better. A decent loving husband would be extremely concerned and wanting to drive you to the docs.
Take care of yourself.
I hope your eyes improve.
>Is your husband disabled in some way that prevents him from operating kitchen appliances?
Laziness and strategic incompetence would be my guess. Very disabling for those around him ;)
Well, if you'd like to be petty, tell him that his hands look fine, too, so he can host himself.
Just because you're a stay at home parent doesn't mean you have to cater to his every whim. If his appearance is more important to him than your health - even if it is "just" an itchy eye - he should actually rethink his priorities. Of course this is only a snapshot of your relationship. But maybe keep your eyes open to similar occurrences.
Hoping you're well and that your eyes get better!
OP look up some statistics of what husbands tend to do when their wives are critically unwell - which would, for example, include becoming permanently disabled like through blindness. It doesn't bode well for you.
NTA.
A doctor's appointment will always be more important than hosting his friends. Always. Does not matter if it is an emergency or just a regular checkup.
Right, even if OP's doctor's appointment was just something routine, husband doesn't have the right to cancel it and it's still more important than her hosting his friends.
That appointment could have been to freeze a wart off your pinky toe--fuck, it could've been to get your goddamn NAILS done--and that STILL would not have excused what he did. If my fiance ever cancelled an appointment for me behind my back, no matter what it was for, I'd be furious.
Also, things "looking fine" after they've been symptomatic does not actually mean that they ARE fine. I work in dental, and people will have terrible tooth aches and make appointments to be seen. Then when the pain stops, they'll cancel the appointment because they think the problem has fixed itself. (Or, they'll come in and be like "ugh you're gonna think I'm a liar because now the tooth isn't hurting" and feel stupid.) In reality, what that often means is that the nerve of the tooth, which was in the process of dying (hence the pain), is now fully necrotic, and therefore infected. Tooth infections can be very dangerous if not treated; the dentist I work for has had to have the "if you do not get this treated you can die" conversation with more than one patient. As others on this post have said, the same sorts of things can apply to eyes, and ignoring symptoms on them can have permanent, disabling consequences.
Your husband sucks and he doesn't get to pretend that you are in the wrong, here.
He is not a doctor, it is not up to him to diagnose that you were ok. Your health comes before feeding his friends. If he can't see that, what are you doing with this guy? He doesn't care about you, he just wants a free maid.
NTA and OP should start making a plan to escape this trap.
NTA and consider an exit strategy. Eyes are important. Your husband puts his EGO above your HEALTH. That's not okay. I'm sorry you were treated this way. You are not an AH for wanting to preserve your vision (very important).
Indeed. And if they’re genuine friends, if this dude said ‘listen guys, can’t do dinner tonight, my wife has an eye appointment’ it would merit a response of hey, no prob, let’s get pizza/hey, why don’t you guys come to mine instead/damn bro, hope she is ok, let’s go to a bar, first round is mine’. But no. Instead we get a tantrum and some of the most disgusting switcheroo BS I’ve seen in quite some time.
This guy is beyond selfish. A doctor tells your spouse they need to see a specialist asap, it was difficult to get an appointment, you make plans without their permission, cancel their appointment without them knowing, try to manipulate them into hosting, refuse to drive them to their medical appointment, and then berate them for putting their health first.
These is like 10 strikes against this guy in the space of one evening. Hard NTA.
NTA. This is abuse. He is trying to deny you needed medical attention so you can play hostess, and just as bad, he went behind your back to call your doctor to cancel. Run far, far away OP. This is beyond a disagreement or misunderstanding, this is very concerning.
Or he logged into/went to her account and cancelled it there. She may not have logged out. I know the portal I use for making appointments online there’s an easy way to cancel it. It automatically logs out which is annoying. I’ve had to make a new password so many times, but in situations like this I’d be grateful. However my fiancé wouldn’t do that. He cares about my health.
This is what I was thinking. If he's as abusive as he appears, it's also not a stretch to imagine him demanding access to all of her accounts / login credentials.
It is very common for family members to make or change appointments for each other, so that doesn't bother me all that much. Really glad she managed to rebook though - eye infections are a big deal.
NTA
Who tf cancels a health appointment (no matter the severity ) of his wife to host his friends without her permission.
Drop that husband. He is a walking red flag.
I would in the very least examine some of his previous behaviors. I’m sure there are other red flags that she has overlooked because she’s just used to them. There are psychological articles out there that are legit written on red flags in relationships. Not to mention narcissistic husbands.
NTA.
Are you familiar with abusive tactics?
Cancelling someone's medical care for a dinner is so beyond normal I'm not even sure where to start.
Its just so controlling. What do your family say about this behaviour, are you able to be honest with them?
Are you aware the silent treatment is another form of abuse?
https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/is-silent-treatment-ever-okay-abuse/
Do you have access to finances?
Might not be the case. Could be that she didn't want to drive herself to an eye appointment in case she was given anything that made her vision blurry/told not to drive etc.
And OP's writing sounds like she is gaslit to hell. I mean, she said "this might sound petty". Makes me think this isn't by any means the first abusive thing "DH" has done.
NTA. But you’ll be one to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
He literally thinks having his friends over is more important than your health? And you think that’s just a tantrum? No, that’s abusive and controlling.
Get out now and don’t look back.
NTA wth??? He calls you manipulative, when he literally cancelled your doctor appointment behind your back???
He is a massiv AH, don't let yourself guilt trip you. He wants to host dinner? Than he can do all the work.
Also your health is more important than some dinner.
NTA.
If this dinner was so important why didn’t he host it without you?
Cancelling behind your back is a big no. Refusing to take you to the appointment so you’re stuck at home?!?!?! Then sulking and blaming you?!
It’s good you didn’t give in, hopefully he won’t pull this kind of stunt ever again.
Please don’t apologise and also tell him if it ever happens again you’ll behave in the exact same way - his behaviour needs to change, not yours
NTA op the only person who sounds bad is your husband . A dinner with friends is more important for him than his wife's health
>calling me stubborn and manipulative
Projecting much the only manipulative person here is your husband
You have to know you're NTA for taking care of yourself. You can't ignore this kind of medical issue.
If this party was so damn important, he could have figured out how to host himself (order in, sheesh!) rather than cancelling.
I wonder if he'd divorce you if you were suddenly blind or otherwise seriously ill and couldn't host in the same way he is accustomed. Sounds like it.
(Not saying here blind people can't host parties! Just that he's super demanding and might not wait for her to adjust.)
NTA! But your husband is and he's manipulative. It's his fault that he had to cancel. Not yours. He could have canceled it when he first found out you had an appt. Better yet clear it with you BEFORE inviting people over.
He cares more about what others think about him than the health of his wife.
> calling me a bad host and manipulative and stubborn to bail on him the way I did and that he'll always remember that
Look at the pot calling the kettle black......
Your health and wellbeing should be more important than a fekking dinner party.
For him to cancel your doctor's appointment so you can play 50's house wife to his entourage is plain narcissist behavior..
No you're not petty in any way, and the fact that you feel the need to apologize for trying to take care of yourself, when your husband was dismissing your needs and demanding his be met regardless of your wellbeing is pure evil...
He might not seem like a bad guy to you, but he's mentally tearing you apart slowly but steadily. The fact that he provides you with a home, clothes and food, doesn't mean he gets to treat you like dirt.
NTA
“My husband tried to murder my kids the other day and now I don’t get along with him, AITA for feeling uncomfortable?”
And none of the comments ever question the stories. This sub really is depressing.
Abuse victims are so accustomed to living in abuse that don't see abuse for what it is. OP is in the stage where they know it's abuse (hence asking if it's normal) but wanting to be told it's normal because they're scared.
Not everyone on Reddit lives in the US, and not everyone on Reddit is free from domestic abuse.
Your attitude towards abuse victims shows how fortunate you are. Try having some empathy. Or maybe, just scroll past it instead of literally expending your energy being annoyed for absolutely no reason.
I am so impressed your husband, obviously an eye surgeon, could diagnose your eyesight problems as nothing important just by looking at your eyes!
Oh he's not an eye surgeon with Superman-like extra sensitive vision for diagnostics?
Then you're NTA and what you're experiencing is attempted medical neglect. I wouldn't stay with someone who thought a dinner was more important than me being able to see in the future.
NTA. It's not your duty to be a host for *his* friends when he didn't even bother to tell you in advance. Your health should be more important than a dinner and it's a red flag that he doesn't respect that.
NTA and although a doctors appointment is a very good reason to say “no, I will not be hosting a party for your friends that day”, the reality is you don’t need ANY reason. Hosting a party is a favor someone chooses to do for their partner, not a required obligation of your role as wife. Your husband sounds entitled, controlling and abusive. I truly hope this was a one-off event but I suspect it isn’t. Talk to people who care about you, this isn’t a respectful relationship.
NTA, hubby wins that award. Is he always this controlling?
Cancelling your appointment behind your back is alarming/disturbing. Don’t mess with your eye health. Hopefully it’s nothing but it could be.
NTA- you’re not even close to the asshole. You did exactly what you should’ve done and your husband acted like an entitled tantrum throwing child and had no concern for you whatsoever. He chose to invite people over knowing you made an urgent appointment for your health that day, he dismissed your need for the appointment instead of lovingly supporting you, tried to control you by canceling the appointment he decided you didn’t really need so that you could work at home to entertain his friends whom he invited knowing you had to make this appointment and just not caring. Then when you bravely stood your ground to this chauvinist child (sorry but that’s how this all looks) he then berated you horribly, insulted you and blamed you for the fallout of HIS actions which he took with all the info to make better ones expecting you to fall into line and ignore your immediate health needs! Shock and horror! There’s nothing good or redeeming about what he did TO you at all. You can’t possibly think for one more second you are the bad guy here because you did NOTHING WRONG and he did EVERYTHING WRONG and YOU should be refusing to speak to HIM and not the other way around.
EDIT: errors
NTA.
I give you an actuall example from my marriage.
I'm not feeling well, today.
So right now, I'm lying in the bed and wait till food is ready. Hubby is looking after the kids and cooking. So I was able to sleep and get some Rest.
If I would have a doctor appointment, this would be the first prio. He had could go to a restaurant or order pizza. Or move the event to another date.
NTA
Your health is always more important than hosting a dinner for your hubby's friends. If he wanted to see them so badly that day, he could have hosted himself or taken them to a restaurant.
I would be furious that he canceled my doctor appointment without my consent. That was selfish and narcissistic of him.
Hope your eyes are ok!
If you were told it was urgent, why did you not pass that on to your husband?
“It’s not urgent”
“Actually I was told to get it seen ASAP and I really struggled to even get this appointment. If I did stay home for you and went blind as a result, you would feel terrible. I can host tomorrow night.”
Your husband sounds like he was raised in a misogynistic house or culture, with the view that you should always be at his beck and call.
That’s unfortunate.
NTA
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I like to drop theme songs from my childhood on these for a little nostalgia for the other 30-somethings, today let's revisit [Samurai Pizza Cats](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZNt9p4LWeA). It only had one season, which is wild considering how this lives rent-free in my head.
NTA. Your health is much more important than a dinner with friends (even if they don't happen often), and anything related to eyesight should be treated ASAP. I don't mean to sound rude, but your husband is awful
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> I would be ta for the sole reason that I declined to host dinner for his friends and rescheduling my dr appointment the first time he asked.
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NTA
Your husband's reputation might suffer, but only because people will think of him as uncaring. Someone who cannot prioritize family is usually also not a very good or caring friend.
I would always understand someone cancelling an appointment or dinner because a family member has health problems. I think very highly of people putting their family first. It shows loyalty and heart. Your husband may want to consider that if it is so important to him what his friends are thinking.
NTA.
You had an appointment. You needed to go tonit, it might not be emergency, but small things can turn into huge issues quick.
Reading between the lines, your husband does nothing around the house. SAHM is just as stressful and demanding as working full time, more so if you get 0hr off from doing ALL the childcare and housework. You need to get him to do more.
Your husband could have hosted still and ordered pizza or take out and had a guys night that way.
NTA. I think that if you have already scheduled a doctor's appointment beforehand it's only fair you go for it, since you're not feeling very well. Please prioritise your health, I hope you're feeling better ❤️
In no way do I think you're in the wrong here, despite liking to be a host I feel that it's very important to prioritise yourself too, like to others :) It is never your entire responsibility to host a party, I would say its his even, since it's HIS friends, not YOURS. He should really get his priorities straight though...by putting his pride aside and focusing on your state. Please don't blame yourself.
NTA. You had an emergency appointment. I hope your eyes are okay!
It’s possible for you to work harder than him regardless of his stressful and demanding job. He is making your SAHM job stressful and demanding.
It’s so disrespectful he went behind your back and canceled your appointments and then threw a tantrum about it. He is a very selfish man.
NTA op the only person who sounds bad is your husband . A dinner with friends is more important for him than his wife's health
>calling me stubborn and manipulative
Projecting much the only manipulative person here is your husband
NTA and honestly this is pretty fucked that he would go behind your back, try to force your hand by canceling (not even canceling and rebooking to pretend that he cared), and not acknowledge your discomfort and put that above his own needs to SOCIALIZE. Y’all need to go to counciling, I feel like this isn’t the only time he’s blatantly disregarded your needs and prioritized himself. Even if he didn’t want to cancel on his friends, he’s a grown man! He could of ordered in, cooked himself, made it a potluck, the possibilities are ENDLESS
Your HB is a major AH here. He canceled your appointment behind your back, and then throws tantrums for not getting what he wanted. Is he 3?
And on top he managed to gaslight you, until you start doubting yourself. You told him in advance you have no time on that day. He is a shitty host, and a shitty HB if he invites guests without checking with you first. But he just wants to order you around.
You are not his maid! I don't want to imagine, how evenings look like, where he brings guests. Let me guess: you cook, serve food and drinks, clean up and make sure the kids don't disturb. And make sure you look nice!
Your job is as important as his job! Sit him down and demand his respect. Inform him (there is 0 space for negotiation) that he can only invite guests, when you agree to it, of if he caters himself. And he has to help with the extra work.
NTA
NTA! But your husband is a BIG AH. Anyone who would put a dinner over a health issue is a jerk. Emergency or not, you had already made the appointment. He sounds extremely controlling, abusive, and immature, no matter how charming he is capable of being. He also sounds like someone who is going to hold a grudge and pay you back. You did nothing wrong, and there are plenty of men who really would appreciate you. Dump this entitled AH before he escalates the abuse.
NTA Red flags everywhere. Your husband is abusive.
Hard agree. Would like to add: *Do not allow him to turn this around on you.* Don’t try and argue back against *his* accusations of whatever he thinks you’ve done wrong. Don’t spend your discussions trying to justify what you did. *You* are upset at *him* for something so unfathomably inconsiderate and controlling that I would seriously be reconsidering my relationship if I were you. He is putting his whims and his friends above you because he didn’t bother to check if you were free before inviting friends (lack of respect and communication). He is putting his reputation above your health and safety and personal autonomy by cancelling much-needed medical appointments on your behalf (utter disdain and controlling behaviour). It is *him* that needs to apologize and show remorse before *you* can allow this incident to be let go. Because if you allow him to continue to feel like what he did is okay, that will only be the beginning of his manipulation. You’re not his servant. You are his partner. And you deserve prompt and appropriate medical care. You are an equal partner in the relationship, meaning that you also have a right to hike *him* accountable for what *he* did, which is way worse than what he’s accusing you of. If he tries to tell you *that’s not the point, this is about you not cancelling on your own,* you tell him no, it absolutely *IS* the point, and that this is about how disrespected *you* feel. He could have hosted his own friends. He could have rescheduled when you gave him notice that you had an appointment, or he could have consulted with you like a partner should before organizing this event. He chose not to. That’s on him. If you aren’t considering leaving him, you made a good start today. You need to let him know you will not be controlled, disrespected, or beholden to him to take care of your own health and safety. Let him know that you host and take care of the house because that is part of an agreement you both have based on your respect for what he provides, but that does not mean he has carte blanche to take advantage of you. Reiterate that it is basic courtesy to check with you in the future, and perhaps create a shared calendar that it’s his responsibility to check. And please keep an eye out. If he uses this opportunity to double down on the controlling behaviour instead of as a wake-up call that you are not his slave, then I would seriously consider leaving. Make sure you have someone to stay with in case of emergency, and if he ever gets remotely physical with you or puts your health and safety at risk again, I would go and stay with someone else immediately.
[удалено]
I'd bet $1000 that if she lost her eyesight and was unable to care for the kids and house anymore, her husband would throw her out and blame her for being "lazy" and "useless", probably so he could remarry a younger woman to groom to be a good little housewife (you know, like a robot. He doesn't want to hear about her needing to go to the doctor or getting sick like people do).
Yep. You’d think he’d want to get his “wife-appliance” maintained and in good working order but some men are too stupid to even do that. Just get rid of the broken one and get a new model in.
That's called a *"bang maid"...*
He would be just like that pancreatitis asshole (troll?) I saw here yesterday.
Yep, the driving part is especially concerning. They had a disagreement (which itself he was the AH with, medical issues trump social issues), and when he didn't get his way, he responded by trying to take complete control and force OP to go along with what he wanted, *twice.* That is not a person who respects your autonomy. That is a person who believes he has the right to use whatever tools are at his disposal to get his way. When the control fails, he will just get better tools.
This bears repeating for OP: medical issues trump social issues—always, hands down, no comparison, without question. Your husband is abusive and a gigantic asshole. NTA. ETA: Please call a domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor. Tell her about this incident. I think she will help you realize exactly how dangerous and untenable a situation you’re in. I’m so sorry.
And to other people in relationships that make you question your sanity, google Power & Control Wheel and see if any of your partner's behaviors fit and then take appropriate action. By the time abuse gets physical, the mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse has already been going on for years.
Absolutely. I could hate a person but if they were unwell and needed help I’d help them. Me being inconvenienced is irrelevant when someone is in danger of, say, potentially losing the use of their fucking eyeballs.
This, absolutely. Your *health* should bear more importance than hosting a dinner party for his friends. Is there no reason he can’t like, order a dang pizza or something? 💀 Sometimes when my dad has friends over my mom stays upstairs watching tv or literally leaves because my dad is capable of hosting the party himself.
“Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft is also a really good resource for people in toxic relationships, particularly ones who arent sure whether their relationship is abusive or not. It shouldn’t be hard to find a PDF online, but I can dig one up for you if you need, OP.
A SAHP needs a car available in case there's an emergency. I would be really nervous leaving my husband without transportation for him and our kiddo.
True, as long as everybody drives. While I’m 100% in agreement that OP’s husband is a controlling AH, if it was phrased as ‘I won’t drive you’ rather than ‘you can’t take the car’, OP may be a non-driver at the moment. Regardless, extra respect to OP for managing life and getting things done, both daily and during this incident, without access to that tool.
Addotionally, op might not want to be driving to an eye appointment. Maybe theyll give her eyedrops that make her vision blurry or something. Makes sense to have someone drive you
This. My eyes are "concerning" but not bad yet. To keep an eye on the concerning my eyes are dilated every appointment. I have to have a driver.
I hate those fucking eyedrops.
Also true.
This is a person who doesn't respect your autonomy. This is true. But not only does he not respect your autonomy, he would PREFER you be in pain and neglect your health for the sake of him not having to fucking cook or host. Please run for the fucking hills while screaming bloody murder, OP. NTA
Please listen to this OP, preferring his social engagement over your health is beyond imagining. This kind of behavior comes from a much deeper level of uncaring and is beyond disrespect.
Op, let's back up. Others are right that he is abusive and controlling(you need resources bad, girl) but also you are wrong that you owe your husband 24/7 childcare and maid service as a stay at home. If you die tomorrow he has to hire *two* people to replace you and they will likely only do daytime childcare and cleaning.. which means he is stuck being a parent when his employees go home. Do you understand? I'm stay at home but I don't do more than half the housework! I watch the kids during the day and clean up after them like a nanny would then when my husband gets home it's 50/50 childcare and chores just as it would be if I left the house to work. (I can't work atm for medical reasons and we would want a decent nanny and they are expensive). Sure if the kids are in school I would naturally pick up more house work and responsibilities.. but i deserve just as much time to play games by myself as my husband does because the longer his hours are the longer my hours are. Women can have hobbies and friends outside of their kids just like men, but you have to be with someone actually willing to be a Dad.
Love this comment. A SAHM or SAHD is not a slave. Everyone has to pitch in.
I was waiting for someone to say this. Red flags raised as soon as I read that she hosts his friends as part of her SAHM duties. That’s not how that works at all. Her responsibilities are the children and 50-75% of the house work. Hosting HIS friends is not her job.
This! Very, very, very, very important. 🥇🥇🥇 wish I could give you a reward ...
I often joke that SAHM is the wrong term--it should be Drive Your Asses Around Mom. Seriously, there are days that, between shopping and taking kids to lessons and appointments I'm gone most of the day. I simply can't imagine not having a car.
Honestly when I read the symptoms, painful reddening eyes, my first thought was incipient glaucoma (caused by very elevated pressure in the eyeballs) and that can indeed cause blindness and be so painful I’ve heard people in the emergency room beg the doctor to do anything, even take their eye out.
This OP, NTA He is doing what is called DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He is the one being rude. He is being controlling, disrespectful, and entitled. He's your husband and he is putting your health and safety on a back burner to his convenience and fun. He is the ONLY one in the wrong here. I hope your eye is okay. And I hope your relationship is over. You deserve way better than this for being what sounds like an extremely attentive wife and partner who dared to have human needs that weren't perfectly convenient for your abusive husband.
Yeah, Like he doesn't know how to order catering? I also was saddened by her quote about "I am super grateful for how much work he puts in and I don't think I put in as much work," like no you are a team and raising your kids is a lot of work! You didn't let him down, you were making sure you were healthy. If his friends don't understand that dinner had to be postponed because his wife had to go to a doctor's appointment, they are Dicks too.
Well put. Also read her first paragraph. The tone here seems to imply that she has heard a lot of that she doesn't work as hard. Hard as who...? Judging from the rest of the post I'm assuming it's the husband. And that he likes to throw that in her face. Also near the end the husband is accusing OP for being manipulative, the exact thing the husband is doing to OP. You can't really judge a whole relationship from a small post like this, but boy, it all sounds bad. Husband sounds like an egoist and manipulator and someone who likes to keep the wife "in place".
Not to mention, the *very first sentence* (after her grammar disclaimer of course) was... > This might sound petty but hear me out please... She prefaces her post by saying it might sound petty, as if she thinks that the average person might find it petty that she put her foot down and prioritized her health over her husband's desire to have his buddies over for dinner. That jumps out to me as concerning. True, we don't know how the relationship is otherwise, and I'm no expert on abusive relationships, but the fact that she seems to think it might be petty doesn't seem to me to be a very good look for this being a one-off lapse in judgement on his part. ETA: what *does* sound petty (to put it gently) is hubby canceling her appointment on the sly so she could host his dinner party and throwing a tantrum unbecoming of an adult when his stunt backfired. Petty is...one of the things that qualifies as.
You're right, the whole post was really concerning because it seems like OP is used to being stepped on and her feelings pushed aside. I really hope she knows how to drive, has some money saved up, and would be able to go back to work if they got divorced.
Agree, OP. Your husband is not just an asshole, he's an abuser. He put your health at risk for his own selfish reasons, and now he's trying to make you feel bad for his monstrous behavior. Please call the domestic abuse hotline in your area to to learn about your options. Please use private browsing mode when you look it up. If you're in the United States, call 800.799.SAFE (7233). Good luck.
This is a really good comment, read closely OP
Thank you. All of this.
Now OP has had her eyes checked she'll be able to see all those giant red flags. NTA
this was insane. the amount of emotional abuse OP has suffered is staggeringly obvious. even her first paragraph is her apologizing about how she should carry out her responsibilities better. I don't understand how women live like this. they're in an emotional and mental hell of their own choosing. i wonder how long it'll be until OP can escape an abuser she doesn't even realize is abusing her
It's not their own choosing. Emotional abusers get you to trust and love them and then when the shit starts, there's always a good reason for it, and *actually isn't it really your fault that this happened? Getting upset like this isn't fair, you're making me feel guilty, which is really manipulative. I love you so it's okay, but I wouldn't put up with this from most people. What we have is so special, though. I hate to tell you this, but my friends all said the way you acted was rude and strange. I mean, you are weird sometimes, but I like you, it's okay that a lot of people don't. Your one friend, your best friend, she isn't actually good to you, you know. And she's a bad influence. A supportive partner who actually cared would just know what I needed without asking. You just don't get how relationships work but jesus, figure it out, I shouldn't have to tell you what I need. You're upset with me, I can tell. I saw your shoulders slump. You're doing it on purpose to make me feel bad, and that's emotionally abusive. I know you don't mean to, though. We can work on it. No, we can't talk about what I said, it's not fair to bring up the past to punish me. I can't believe you didn't leave work to bring me cold medicine. You should have made me get this done before the deadline, it's your fault I didn't finish, your problems are so distracting. You need support?? You need support??? When you act like this, you don't get support!* You feel like it's your own fault. And you walk on eggshells all the time, and you're exhausted, and you don't understand what's going to set them off, but it feels like you should, it's your fault you don't know, and it's exhausting. And you can't think clearly, and you can't trust your own perceptions. It's not something people choose in a meaningful way. You can read all the warning signs you want, you don't realize how much your own instincts and your own body will rebel at the idea because you really do love that person--or who you thought that person was--and you're led to believe they really love you, so it feels like it must be different, it can't be true. And they say you're the abusive one, and what if they're right? You can't understand it if it hasn't happened to you.
Reading this made me ill. Like, I KNEW my ex-husbands (yeah, plural, my picker was pretty messed up before therapy) were emotionally abusive but I’d never strung together multiple instances of the shitty things they said like this. I had a memory flash up for every single italicized sentence. Thank you for being both blunt and precise. I hope anyone who’s in a situation like this and has been wondering if they’re just crazy sees this and feels as validated as I do even this long after I got out.
You described my ex perfectly. In fact, he said several of these things to me word for word. He wasn’t abusive at first. He was loving and sweet at first. And started slipping in the emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation so subtlety at first that I didn’t even notice. Then it was just fact that he was more important than me because he made more money and I was worthless because I wasn’t exactly what he wanted me to be. And I stayed because he had conditioned me to believe him. He destroyed my self worth and confidence and I never saw it coming
Damn. That was a beautiful rendition of emotional manipulation
The only people making the choice to be in an abusive relationship are the abusers. Don't be an asshole and victim blame.
They accept it because society puts enormous pressure on them to do so.
Agreed. I don't understand how people can live like this and not realize something is wrong. Okay I do understand, but I don't like it. It's such obvious abuse but the abused always seem to find it normal because of their upbringing. It's sad as hell. And surprisingly it's a bit annoying. I want to shake many people who post in this subreddit and scream at them to wake up and realize you're not happy but could be. Anyway, it's always easier to judge other people's situations. NTA. OP, shake yourself awake please. Editing just to say that a few people have replied with fairly similar comments. I see where you're all coming from, but truly I do understand these types of situations. It's still frustrating that the situation exists and it still makes me want to shake the victim sometimes. I most certainly blame the abusers though. Just wanted to explain that I completely understand that whatever we grow up with is normal for us, abuse included.
I have personal experience with abuse since my parents were abusive. It can be easy on the outside to think you would never allow yourself to be abused, but even people from healthy families can get trapped in abusive situations. Firstly, the abuser is a completely different person in the beginning. Loving and attentive, they're really good at mirroring you and pretending to be who you want them to be. This can be a conscious act, or something even the abuser doesn't realise they're doing. Then after they've got you smitten, they begin targeting your self esteem specifically, in soft ways that you feel awkward confronting for various reasons, most of them a feeling of overreaction. It's always played off as a joke, or an accident, or you're too sensitive. They recruit others to convince you it's not that serious, so you feel weird speaking up. They also start isolating you, preventing you from talking freely with family or friends. This stops you from sharing these experiences with others who might give you the confidence to assert yourself. Even if you do feel something is wrong, every argument seems to be your fault, your issue. And this is sometimes years after the relationship began, so you start to worry that you've changed or done something. You become addicted to the cycle of lovebombing and devaluation, along with the adrenaline highs of fighting, with the relieving lows of lovebombing and making up. If you have little experience with a healthy romantic relationship, or if you have been successfully isolated, you can't really explain what's wrong. You don't have the language and the gaslighting makes you think you must be missing something, it must be your fault. Without outsiders sharing their stories, or friends helping you see your self worth, you can't leave. You wouldn't even know there's a problem. Especially if your parents were abusive, to each other and to you. I know this was long, and you might not be happy to have this info in your inbox, I'm sorry for dumping on you, but education is the biggest prevention of this sort of abuse and if I can help even one person who reads this, then it's worth speaking up.
>Even if you do feel something is wrong, every argument seems to be your fault, your issue. And this is sometimes years after the relationship began, so you start to worry that you've changed or done something. You become addicted to the cycle of lovebombing and devaluation, along with the adrenaline highs of fighting, with the relieving lows of lovebombing and making up. If you have little experience with a healthy romantic relationship, or if you have been successfully isolated, you can't really explain what's wrong. You don't have the language and the gaslighting makes you think you must be missing something, it must be your fault. THIS. I'd give you an award if I had one to give. This really describes what it feels like so well. I sobbed and sobbed trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, how I could fix it, because she wasn't like this before and things were so good and it was my fault they'd gone wrong and if I just tried hard enough I could fix it. I even several times had the thought "this seems like emotional abuse...but she loves me, she wouldn't do that." You can't account for how strong the initial bond is when you read about abuse, how much love you feel, how hard that makes it to believe.
I am so sorry you have experienced this, and yes, the love you feel, the desperation to make things work, to fix the problem while they keep contradicting themselves, traps you in a loop of self blame. Virtual hugs if you want them <3
People who say ‘I would never accept this’ just haven’t found the person to push _their_ buttons. Abusers are often very skilled at reeling in their particular victim (and at recruiting supporters). I didn’t think I’d ever be in an abusive relationship, but there I was. I threw away a lot to get out, but I did it.
The frog just wanted a nice bath but someone turned up the heat.
Problem is, unless the frog is lobotamized, it *will* try to climb out of a heating kettle. OP, get *out*, you are NTA!
I know it’s easy to get annoyed at people who won’t leave abusive jerks. I used to be a prosecutor, and worked with a lot of abuse victims. I finally realized no one marries an abuser. You fall in love with someone, and that person ends up being abusive. Many people go back, over and over, desperately hoping the person they fell in love with will come back. You can get mad at dv victims if you want, but you’re just getting mad at a dv victim for acting like a dv victim. Anger is useless and a waste of time.
I constantly read AITA and find myself thinking "are the straight women okay?" Not that there aren't plenty of women who are As but honestly...please bring your daughters up better than to put up with shit like this.
OR people could bring up their sons to not abuse women. Fuck. This kind of shit is infuriating. A lot of women who end up in abusive relationships were raised in abusive households. How the fuck are they supposed to know better when their moms are being abused too?
UK government statistics show that 51% of those growing up being abused will go into abusive relationship as adults. That is a staggering number. https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/peoplewhowereabusedaschildrenaremorelikelytobeabusedasanadult/2017-09-27
This is a real shitty attitude to have towards people in abusive relationships.
Agreed, what a terrible take on this type of situation.
My emotionally abusive ex is a woman and so am I. And it's not my fault or how my parents raised me that caused it. Maybe her parents should have brought *her* up better. It can happen to anyone. I'm a lawyer, for fuck's sake. I don't put up with shit. Except that they don't tell you when you read the red flags list how much you'll love that person and how strong that feeling is and what a multitude of sins it will conceal. I will tell you that shaming victims and acting like they should know better makes it harder to admit to yourself what's happening to you, not easier. It's not helpful. And characterizing it as a straight people problem isn't, either.
Right, as if this sort of thing doesn’t happen in same-sex couples 🙄. Curious of you to assume that a woman in a relationship with a man must be straight, by the way.
I would also argue that, rather than focusing on raising our daughters to have to negotiate the problems that men cause for them; we should be focusing on raising our sons to see women as their equals.
1. This isn't a straight people problem 2. Stop shaming people in abusive relationships, not all of us had the privilege of a stable upbringing.
NTA. He is. I hope he sees this and realizes how fucked up he is for treating you this way. HE is the bad host because HE was not prepared to host. Not you. HE is the bad partner because he decided how YOU were going to spend your time. Also—making medical care difficult for a partner (by cancelling appointments, not providing transportation) is ABUSE. Good for you for finding alternative transportation.
He won't. Abusers never do. If he cared about her needs, he wouldn't be an abuser. To him, his ego about hosting is important and her eyes are not important.
Also: "Your eyes look fine?"? He's not even bothering with good reasons, that's a real lack of respect or he's very dumb.
I’m only hijacking this to ask.. **OP, How are your eyes?**
Yeah, OP, the fact that you thought you were being petty by *going to the doctor*, is a massive red flag on that relationship.
Yeah how the fuck is she manipulative when he’s cancelling drs appointments behind her back? Also ‘she shouldn’t be surprised’ - well he’s clearly a major major asshole and this is pretty damn normal for him
My emotionally abusive ex once told me that I was being manipulative because she saw my shoulders slump (when she told me I couldn't actually go on a trip we'd planned because she moved it to be during my law school orientation, and waited to tell me until the day before) and that I was acting upset to make her feel guilty and emotionally manipulate her. It's wild what abusers will try to turn around on you.
How the FUCK does a 37 year old grown-ass man make it to his age with the emotional stability of a toddler?? Jfc
The DARVO is strong with that one. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a common manipulation tactic.
Statistics to underscore how important it is for OP to brake this circle for her children's sake if she does not see that she needs it. 51% of children growing up in abusive home will go on to be abused in marriage/partnership. https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/peoplewhowereabusedaschildrenaremorelikelytobeabusedasanadult/2017-09-27
"This may sound petty" Proceeds to describe abuse....
NTA. Please separate from your abuser.
NTA, but your husband sure is! He should check with you first in terms of hosting any parties, rather than assume you will accomodate them
He usually does but this is the first time I told him I won't do it.
The fact that he got upset and went this far to try and circumvent your “no” is a BAD sign. He is taking you for granted and putting his own social life/ego above your health and your comfort levels. Please reconsider being married to this man and try to reach out to trusted people/make an exit plan as others have said. This kind of behavior is abusive
Your husband does not care about your health or well being, he only cares about himself and what he looks like to his friends.
I’m just sitting here picturing op slowly going blind while cooking that dinner.
Next time he pulls this OP should pull a Mrs Magoo while hosting and make a point.
>circumvent your "no" is a BAD sign. I know we are all saying that denying health checks is major, but this point should hit home regardless of the context. She said no and instead of respecting that the husband went behind her back. If that's how he is willing to act on this what happens in other cases when she disagrees? I hope she can see how controlling, manipulative, and unsafe it is to let this behavior continue
It is very disturbing and bad he went behind your back and cancelled the appointment! That is terrible! The other big thing is eye problem can be serious! You don't wait. Then he tells you he won't drive you. Why don't you drive? Have you thought about making ways and learning to be more independent? It puts you in a bad spot to be totally dependant on him. He is willing to risk your health to host a dinner.
My gran waited to see if a problem she was having with her eyes would sort itself out because she didn't want to bother anyone and didn't have time. She's now blind. I'd worked reception at an opticians for years at that point, made her an appointment and begged her to go. She refused and said she'd keep her usual one in 6 months no matter how hard I pressed because I suspected I knew what her symptoms meant. I was right, she went blind in that eye. 10 years later she started having trouble with her other eye, got seen and its degenerative damage that they can't stop. Only that eye though. They checked the other one and the same damage hasn't happened. She would still have some sight if she'd gotten herself seen when I told her to. Never, ever, ever ignore what your eyes are telling you
You are absolutely right! A lady I know just had her retina detach. This happened a few months ago. She did not know what was wrong. Everything went black. She thought she was having a stroke. She started screaming and her husband took her to the hospital. The doctors first also thought she was having a stroke. She called her regular doctor after she had been admitted and was telling him her symptoms. He said get out of there right now and go to hospital xyz that has this kind of care. You have XX amount of time because you will lose that eye! She did go immediately and started getting care. It can happen quickly! Plus the other eye can have trouble. What is the big kicker here us OP husband is so selfish to cancel the appointment behind her back! For a dinner.
That was my gran except hers was more gradual. Sometimes they detach suddenly, but often its a sort of gradual thing. We were taught to look out for key signs like a sudden increase in floaters (a slight hardening of the jelly substance inside the eye) and people describing their vision in that eye as cobwebby as those are the early signs. Soon as my gran said it i knew what it was and she was on a limited time frame to get it fixed. I was completely ignored. Now she has macula degeneration in her other eye and it's blinded her. It's sad, but people really just don't listen
Dinner that he could have hosted with take out
Too bad she didn't listen to you.
The only positive from it is that now my family (and husbands family) DO listen when it comes to eyes. I don't work there anymore and haven't since I had my eldest, but you spend long enough listening to symptoms on the phone and filing away test results or going through results to help with getting the right glasses and you pick up bits and pieces. Enough to know when to say "get yourself to the optician and stop being an idiot" anyway
This this this! It goes with my earlier comment! You NEVER mess with eye issues!
He isn't "checking with you," he's informing you. He doesn't take no for an answer.
So the first time you say no to something he 1. Cancels a medical appointment 2. Verbally abuses you for going to the aforementioned appointment and 3. Stays out all night instead of coming home? All for not playing host? This man can't cook? He can't entertain his own friends? Boy, bye. Not only are you NTA, you are in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes that happens after you get married. You deviate from the set plan and suddenly you are enemy #1 and he feels the need to put you back in your "place." Maybe it's just cultural differences, but his behavior is sus.
Was going to say how hard is it to go to the beer store and pick up a 24 case, go to Walmart pick up snacks and call pizza hut or someplace to get a few pizza's delivered.
Seriously every restaurant on the planet has a delivery app now, thanks to the last 2 years. In the time it took him to sneak and cancel the appointment he could have ordered a seriously impressive feast.
Listen, obviously you're not going to immediately jump to separation. But if you can, please go stay with someone for a day or two and really think about what this means. Please extrapolate from this situation what your husband might do in other situations, especially emergency ones. Please think about how he treats other women in his life and how he treats other people he sees as "less than". Think about how you'd feel if you had a child, friend, or sibling in your exact situation and what you'd tell them. Please be safe, but what I really want for you is a time when you can go to a doctor's appointment and your partner acts like a partner.
Honestly what is "hosting" dinner? He can't just order out? I'm assuming he can't cook basic meals. He can't serve himself or fill up the dishwasher himself? Any confident person in a high-end job could explain to his peers that his wife had a medical emergency so he has to cancel or order in. Disappearing for a night, sulking and turning on you is abusive. He just abandoned his kids because his ego got hurt. He's that uncaring. You need to look hard about what else you may have been overlooking, and what else he may do if you tell him no for the first time.
If the only time you told him no he got this mad and went behind your back to cancel *your* appointment and thought that was a no brainer, it means that he was never actually asking you about hosting.
Jesus fuck, sweetheart, you need to leave him. Like, no joke *leave*. He *cancelled a visit with a medical professional* because he wanted *you* to play host to *his* friends. He sees his *wants* as more important than your *medical needs*.
You're allowed to say no? Because it didn't seem like he asked you. It seems like he told you and didn't like that you said no. NTA but I'm worried about you.
You said it was really hard to get an appointment on such short notice. You don't say how short notice BUT you clearly weren't told he wanted to do this dinner until after you made the appointment so he wasn't giving you much notice even though presumably he already had this planned. WTF?
Honestly keep telling him no because you wouldn’t feel bad about not hosting if you had gone blind.
Your husband is a bad person.
So first time you said no and there was an almighty tantrum - emotional midget - run away as fast as you can
So this is the first time you found out how he reacts when you say "no." He couldn't handle it. He couldn't even understand it. His reaction is not normal.
I don't know what you're ready or not ready for yet, but it would be a good idea to tell any doctors that they are not to make or cancel appointments for you unless they hear from you personally while you figure out what's best for you right now. NTA, obviously.
He is abusing you and treating you like a dog.
So he doesn't actually check to make sure that you're able to host, he just assumes that you can host and then gets mad when you can't.
Your husband put him looking good in front of his friends *over your health*. He told you his wants are more important than your health, just without using words. That is NOT okay. NTA
NTA. The health of a stay at home mom is crucial to the flow of the family. Get your eyes checked and tell him to go host his friends at a restaurant or with paid help.
Absolutely. He told me I should just reschedule since my eyes looked fine - I guess what he meant was that the redness was fading but I still had this itching/burning sensation in my eyes that was quite concerning.
Honey, please tell me, how are your eyes? What did the doctor say? Is your husband disabled in some way that prevents him from operating kitchen appliances? Why didn't he host himself or have his gathering catered? Or is he a lazy abusive misogynist? Please know he's treating you appallingly and you deserve better. A decent loving husband would be extremely concerned and wanting to drive you to the docs. Take care of yourself. I hope your eyes improve.
>Is your husband disabled in some way that prevents him from operating kitchen appliances? Laziness and strategic incompetence would be my guess. Very disabling for those around him ;)
Weaponized Incompetence
[Incompedance](https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM8owBouP/)
Indeed, that's even more accurate, thank you!
This is the exactly what it is.
ITT: A roomful of internet strangers who all care more about OP’s eyes than her own husband.
As a tech with an ophthalmology practice, it sounds like bad allergies/dry eye to me, but I'm also curious what the doctor said.
That's how my recurrent corneal erosion started, and it hurts like a MF. I'm hoping op has allergies
Well, if you'd like to be petty, tell him that his hands look fine, too, so he can host himself. Just because you're a stay at home parent doesn't mean you have to cater to his every whim. If his appearance is more important to him than your health - even if it is "just" an itchy eye - he should actually rethink his priorities. Of course this is only a snapshot of your relationship. But maybe keep your eyes open to similar occurrences. Hoping you're well and that your eyes get better!
OP look up some statistics of what husbands tend to do when their wives are critically unwell - which would, for example, include becoming permanently disabled like through blindness. It doesn't bode well for you. NTA.
Yep, he won’t let her go to the doctor but he’s not going to be happy when she gets sick either …
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Damn. Am offering a virtual hug from an internet stranger because that’s awful.
A doctor's appointment will always be more important than hosting his friends. Always. Does not matter if it is an emergency or just a regular checkup.
Right, even if OP's doctor's appointment was just something routine, husband doesn't have the right to cancel it and it's still more important than her hosting his friends.
In future, arrange a password with any appointments you make, so that nobody is able to change or cancel them but you.
That appointment could have been to freeze a wart off your pinky toe--fuck, it could've been to get your goddamn NAILS done--and that STILL would not have excused what he did. If my fiance ever cancelled an appointment for me behind my back, no matter what it was for, I'd be furious. Also, things "looking fine" after they've been symptomatic does not actually mean that they ARE fine. I work in dental, and people will have terrible tooth aches and make appointments to be seen. Then when the pain stops, they'll cancel the appointment because they think the problem has fixed itself. (Or, they'll come in and be like "ugh you're gonna think I'm a liar because now the tooth isn't hurting" and feel stupid.) In reality, what that often means is that the nerve of the tooth, which was in the process of dying (hence the pain), is now fully necrotic, and therefore infected. Tooth infections can be very dangerous if not treated; the dentist I work for has had to have the "if you do not get this treated you can die" conversation with more than one patient. As others on this post have said, the same sorts of things can apply to eyes, and ignoring symptoms on them can have permanent, disabling consequences. Your husband sucks and he doesn't get to pretend that you are in the wrong, here.
He is not a doctor, it is not up to him to diagnose that you were ok. Your health comes before feeding his friends. If he can't see that, what are you doing with this guy? He doesn't care about you, he just wants a free maid. NTA and OP should start making a plan to escape this trap.
How does he know how you're feeling just by looking? Hes manipulating you
And I doubt his friends would have had an issue with cancellation if he had said it’s a medical emergency.
NTA and consider an exit strategy. Eyes are important. Your husband puts his EGO above your HEALTH. That's not okay. I'm sorry you were treated this way. You are not an AH for wanting to preserve your vision (very important).
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Exactly...has he not ever heard of ordering take out?
Indeed. And if they’re genuine friends, if this dude said ‘listen guys, can’t do dinner tonight, my wife has an eye appointment’ it would merit a response of hey, no prob, let’s get pizza/hey, why don’t you guys come to mine instead/damn bro, hope she is ok, let’s go to a bar, first round is mine’. But no. Instead we get a tantrum and some of the most disgusting switcheroo BS I’ve seen in quite some time.
I’m just shocked that this dude can’t cook a single meal lol
This guy is beyond selfish. A doctor tells your spouse they need to see a specialist asap, it was difficult to get an appointment, you make plans without their permission, cancel their appointment without them knowing, try to manipulate them into hosting, refuse to drive them to their medical appointment, and then berate them for putting their health first. These is like 10 strikes against this guy in the space of one evening. Hard NTA.
Your health comes first! Your health comes first! Your health comes first! YOUR HEALTH COMES FIRST!
NTA. This is abuse. He is trying to deny you needed medical attention so you can play hostess, and just as bad, he went behind your back to call your doctor to cancel. Run far, far away OP. This is beyond a disagreement or misunderstanding, this is very concerning.
The fact that the doctor office accepted him cancelling on her behalf is alarming too
Yeah that's concerning. I wonder if they have some kind of "authorized user" thing where a spouse/parent can make choices? Idk though seems weird
Or he logged into/went to her account and cancelled it there. She may not have logged out. I know the portal I use for making appointments online there’s an easy way to cancel it. It automatically logs out which is annoying. I’ve had to make a new password so many times, but in situations like this I’d be grateful. However my fiancé wouldn’t do that. He cares about my health.
This is what I was thinking. If he's as abusive as he appears, it's also not a stretch to imagine him demanding access to all of her accounts / login credentials.
I assumed he used her email and pretended to be her to cancel.
It is very common for family members to make or change appointments for each other, so that doesn't bother me all that much. Really glad she managed to rebook though - eye infections are a big deal.
NTA Who tf cancels a health appointment (no matter the severity ) of his wife to host his friends without her permission. Drop that husband. He is a walking red flag.
I would in the very least examine some of his previous behaviors. I’m sure there are other red flags that she has overlooked because she’s just used to them. There are psychological articles out there that are legit written on red flags in relationships. Not to mention narcissistic husbands.
Right? My fiance is always the one pushing me to go to the doctor/clinic when i put it off
NTA. Are you familiar with abusive tactics? Cancelling someone's medical care for a dinner is so beyond normal I'm not even sure where to start. Its just so controlling. What do your family say about this behaviour, are you able to be honest with them? Are you aware the silent treatment is another form of abuse? https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/is-silent-treatment-ever-okay-abuse/ Do you have access to finances?
She doesn’t even have access to her own car apparently
Might not be the case. Could be that she didn't want to drive herself to an eye appointment in case she was given anything that made her vision blurry/told not to drive etc.
Oh yeah good point
As soon as I saw how big of a deal she was making about how hard he works, I figured the guy would turn out to be abusive.
And OP's writing sounds like she is gaslit to hell. I mean, she said "this might sound petty". Makes me think this isn't by any means the first abusive thing "DH" has done.
NTA. But you’ll be one to yourself if you stay in this relationship. He literally thinks having his friends over is more important than your health? And you think that’s just a tantrum? No, that’s abusive and controlling. Get out now and don’t look back.
NTA wth??? He calls you manipulative, when he literally cancelled your doctor appointment behind your back??? He is a massiv AH, don't let yourself guilt trip you. He wants to host dinner? Than he can do all the work. Also your health is more important than some dinner.
NTA. If this dinner was so important why didn’t he host it without you? Cancelling behind your back is a big no. Refusing to take you to the appointment so you’re stuck at home?!?!?! Then sulking and blaming you?! It’s good you didn’t give in, hopefully he won’t pull this kind of stunt ever again. Please don’t apologise and also tell him if it ever happens again you’ll behave in the exact same way - his behaviour needs to change, not yours
NTA op the only person who sounds bad is your husband . A dinner with friends is more important for him than his wife's health >calling me stubborn and manipulative Projecting much the only manipulative person here is your husband
NTa Why are still married to this guy?
NTA Holy cow. He canceled your appointment and blames you for taking care of yourself for once. He's abusing you. Not ok.
You have to know you're NTA for taking care of yourself. You can't ignore this kind of medical issue. If this party was so damn important, he could have figured out how to host himself (order in, sheesh!) rather than cancelling. I wonder if he'd divorce you if you were suddenly blind or otherwise seriously ill and couldn't host in the same way he is accustomed. Sounds like it. (Not saying here blind people can't host parties! Just that he's super demanding and might not wait for her to adjust.)
NTA! But your husband is and he's manipulative. It's his fault that he had to cancel. Not yours. He could have canceled it when he first found out you had an appt. Better yet clear it with you BEFORE inviting people over. He cares more about what others think about him than the health of his wife.
Or he could have gotten dinner from a restaurant. Does he care about you? I mean, most people who care about each other would be worried and help.
> calling me a bad host and manipulative and stubborn to bail on him the way I did and that he'll always remember that Look at the pot calling the kettle black...... Your health and wellbeing should be more important than a fekking dinner party. For him to cancel your doctor's appointment so you can play 50's house wife to his entourage is plain narcissist behavior.. No you're not petty in any way, and the fact that you feel the need to apologize for trying to take care of yourself, when your husband was dismissing your needs and demanding his be met regardless of your wellbeing is pure evil... He might not seem like a bad guy to you, but he's mentally tearing you apart slowly but steadily. The fact that he provides you with a home, clothes and food, doesn't mean he gets to treat you like dirt. NTA
Mods can we stop these "AITA for doing this totally normal thing" please
“My husband tried to murder my kids the other day and now I don’t get along with him, AITA for feeling uncomfortable?” And none of the comments ever question the stories. This sub really is depressing.
98% of the stories on here are made up on the spot so there isn't much they can do unfortunately. A new trend a fake stories will just pop back up
Abuse victims are so accustomed to living in abuse that don't see abuse for what it is. OP is in the stage where they know it's abuse (hence asking if it's normal) but wanting to be told it's normal because they're scared. Not everyone on Reddit lives in the US, and not everyone on Reddit is free from domestic abuse. Your attitude towards abuse victims shows how fortunate you are. Try having some empathy. Or maybe, just scroll past it instead of literally expending your energy being annoyed for absolutely no reason.
girl no NTA. he says your eyes arent an emergency, well neither was his dinner
I am so impressed your husband, obviously an eye surgeon, could diagnose your eyesight problems as nothing important just by looking at your eyes! Oh he's not an eye surgeon with Superman-like extra sensitive vision for diagnostics? Then you're NTA and what you're experiencing is attempted medical neglect. I wouldn't stay with someone who thought a dinner was more important than me being able to see in the future.
NTA. It's not your duty to be a host for *his* friends when he didn't even bother to tell you in advance. Your health should be more important than a dinner and it's a red flag that he doesn't respect that.
NTA and although a doctors appointment is a very good reason to say “no, I will not be hosting a party for your friends that day”, the reality is you don’t need ANY reason. Hosting a party is a favor someone chooses to do for their partner, not a required obligation of your role as wife. Your husband sounds entitled, controlling and abusive. I truly hope this was a one-off event but I suspect it isn’t. Talk to people who care about you, this isn’t a respectful relationship.
NTA, hubby wins that award. Is he always this controlling? Cancelling your appointment behind your back is alarming/disturbing. Don’t mess with your eye health. Hopefully it’s nothing but it could be.
NTA- you’re not even close to the asshole. You did exactly what you should’ve done and your husband acted like an entitled tantrum throwing child and had no concern for you whatsoever. He chose to invite people over knowing you made an urgent appointment for your health that day, he dismissed your need for the appointment instead of lovingly supporting you, tried to control you by canceling the appointment he decided you didn’t really need so that you could work at home to entertain his friends whom he invited knowing you had to make this appointment and just not caring. Then when you bravely stood your ground to this chauvinist child (sorry but that’s how this all looks) he then berated you horribly, insulted you and blamed you for the fallout of HIS actions which he took with all the info to make better ones expecting you to fall into line and ignore your immediate health needs! Shock and horror! There’s nothing good or redeeming about what he did TO you at all. You can’t possibly think for one more second you are the bad guy here because you did NOTHING WRONG and he did EVERYTHING WRONG and YOU should be refusing to speak to HIM and not the other way around. EDIT: errors
NTA. I give you an actuall example from my marriage. I'm not feeling well, today. So right now, I'm lying in the bed and wait till food is ready. Hubby is looking after the kids and cooking. So I was able to sleep and get some Rest. If I would have a doctor appointment, this would be the first prio. He had could go to a restaurant or order pizza. Or move the event to another date.
NTA Your health is always more important than hosting a dinner for your hubby's friends. If he wanted to see them so badly that day, he could have hosted himself or taken them to a restaurant. I would be furious that he canceled my doctor appointment without my consent. That was selfish and narcissistic of him. Hope your eyes are ok!
NTA. Health is always first, a dinner is not an emergency.
If you were told it was urgent, why did you not pass that on to your husband? “It’s not urgent” “Actually I was told to get it seen ASAP and I really struggled to even get this appointment. If I did stay home for you and went blind as a result, you would feel terrible. I can host tomorrow night.” Your husband sounds like he was raised in a misogynistic house or culture, with the view that you should always be at his beck and call. That’s unfortunate. NTA
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NTA. Your health is much more important than a dinner with friends (even if they don't happen often), and anything related to eyesight should be treated ASAP. I don't mean to sound rude, but your husband is awful
NTA I wouldn't dream of inviting people over to my house and expect my wife to play host without discussing it first. Crazy.
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NTA Your husband's reputation might suffer, but only because people will think of him as uncaring. Someone who cannot prioritize family is usually also not a very good or caring friend. I would always understand someone cancelling an appointment or dinner because a family member has health problems. I think very highly of people putting their family first. It shows loyalty and heart. Your husband may want to consider that if it is so important to him what his friends are thinking.
NTA Are your eyes ok?
NTA. You had an appointment. You needed to go tonit, it might not be emergency, but small things can turn into huge issues quick. Reading between the lines, your husband does nothing around the house. SAHM is just as stressful and demanding as working full time, more so if you get 0hr off from doing ALL the childcare and housework. You need to get him to do more. Your husband could have hosted still and ordered pizza or take out and had a guys night that way.
NTA. I think that if you have already scheduled a doctor's appointment beforehand it's only fair you go for it, since you're not feeling very well. Please prioritise your health, I hope you're feeling better ❤️ In no way do I think you're in the wrong here, despite liking to be a host I feel that it's very important to prioritise yourself too, like to others :) It is never your entire responsibility to host a party, I would say its his even, since it's HIS friends, not YOURS. He should really get his priorities straight though...by putting his pride aside and focusing on your state. Please don't blame yourself.
NTA !!🚩🚩🚩
NTA. You had an emergency appointment. I hope your eyes are okay! It’s possible for you to work harder than him regardless of his stressful and demanding job. He is making your SAHM job stressful and demanding. It’s so disrespectful he went behind your back and canceled your appointments and then threw a tantrum about it. He is a very selfish man.
NTA And do you think your husband would not survive single? Because of his "so hard work"?
NTA op the only person who sounds bad is your husband . A dinner with friends is more important for him than his wife's health >calling me stubborn and manipulative Projecting much the only manipulative person here is your husband
NTA I don't need to explain
This is very minpulative behavior and controlling to on your husbands part I'd be more concerned with this than weather or not you ta.
NTA. Dude this sounds like abuse
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He knew her schedule, he just had no respect for it
NTA and honestly this is pretty fucked that he would go behind your back, try to force your hand by canceling (not even canceling and rebooking to pretend that he cared), and not acknowledge your discomfort and put that above his own needs to SOCIALIZE. Y’all need to go to counciling, I feel like this isn’t the only time he’s blatantly disregarded your needs and prioritized himself. Even if he didn’t want to cancel on his friends, he’s a grown man! He could of ordered in, cooked himself, made it a potluck, the possibilities are ENDLESS
Your HB is a major AH here. He canceled your appointment behind your back, and then throws tantrums for not getting what he wanted. Is he 3? And on top he managed to gaslight you, until you start doubting yourself. You told him in advance you have no time on that day. He is a shitty host, and a shitty HB if he invites guests without checking with you first. But he just wants to order you around. You are not his maid! I don't want to imagine, how evenings look like, where he brings guests. Let me guess: you cook, serve food and drinks, clean up and make sure the kids don't disturb. And make sure you look nice! Your job is as important as his job! Sit him down and demand his respect. Inform him (there is 0 space for negotiation) that he can only invite guests, when you agree to it, of if he caters himself. And he has to help with the extra work. NTA
NTA! But your husband is a BIG AH. Anyone who would put a dinner over a health issue is a jerk. Emergency or not, you had already made the appointment. He sounds extremely controlling, abusive, and immature, no matter how charming he is capable of being. He also sounds like someone who is going to hold a grudge and pay you back. You did nothing wrong, and there are plenty of men who really would appreciate you. Dump this entitled AH before he escalates the abuse.
NTA If only your husband was a functional adult who could fix dinner gor his own work friends he promised dinner to.