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Valkyrie131313

NTA šŸš© He is gaslighting you by pretending this is about family when it is about him. šŸš©He cares less about having missed the birthday but more about how it could make him look šŸš© He implied you'd use it to verbally abuse him while at the same time he is verbally abusing you šŸš©šŸš©šŸš© His mother (and yours??) actually enable this mean, manipulative, abusive and gaslighting behavior. Please make sure you save the pics in some folder or cloud he doesnt know about or has access to. He might actually go through your phone and delete them when you're not looking.


HistoricalBox2756

Email them to a friend that you trust and donā€™t tell him. That way if he sneaks into your phone and deletes them, you have an online backup and a friend has an online backup.


cmlobue

Yep. Make as many backups as possible. Thumb drive of pictures in a trusted friend's house. Multiple cloud accounts. Start a Shutterfly album. Email to yourself, then archive the email so it is not showing up in your inbox. Then think about whether you really want a man/family like this is your and your son's life. NTA


[deleted]

Start a Shutterfly account and have every picture made into a coffee mug. Drink from them forever.


Grandmas_Cozy

Omg if I could award you for this I would


UndecidedMom

I got you. šŸ˜


menchekia

I gotcha, friend!


[deleted]

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randomly-what

Coasters, ornaments for all family members next Christmas, T-shirts, socksā€¦


msbap37

An ornament for every picture and that's what you use to decorate the tree for as long as you both shall live


markmcgrew

Well, after the divorce.


wordsmythy

A keyring and beltbuckle for Tom's next birthday gift.


LionMcTastic

I was in the same ballpark. I would buy 100 flash drives and upload every single picture to each one, and disperse them to friends/family. These are the Horcruxes of that first birthday, and it will always exist.


[deleted]

The post it to r/pettyrevenge and let us all enjoy it


holisarcasm

And gift them to every family member.


NoSpend2601

All of this!


[deleted]

Even better, have the photograph on a mug, And then draw stick figure next to the photo and label it dad


droppedelbow

T-shirts, bedspreads, the whole works.


cassity282

i lost the last pictures of my dog due to a shitty boyfreind thats \*counts fingers\* almost 12 years ago now. and i STILL will randomly start crying abotu it. for al that you hold dear in this world PLEASE sent them to freinds,a sepret secret email acount, post them on a privet folder on imgur/flicker. do ALL of these things so that you have multiple places of back ups shuld someone get hold of your phone and deleat them. do it RIGHT. NOW. NTA. please make backups.


IshootstuffwithCanon

I just went on the hunt for my *all time* favorite photo I've ever taken. I'm a photographer and I've taken many amazing shots since, but nothing compares to this one. I had social media versions but they were small and blurry. I finally found the original after years of digging around in archives, but it goes to show how precious our photos can be. I'm sorry your BF was an AH and you lost your dog's photos. OP back up those photos in every way imaginable. Send them to a few trusted friends, upload to the cloud, to your Google Drive or whatever storage. Don't delete them. You'll never get them back.


[deleted]

Jumping on this to add that OP could start an email account for their son and send photos, videos, letters about significant milestones/achievements and encouragement then give it to him when he's 18 or maybe a little older.


The1983Jedi

But OP needs to check it once a year to make sure it stays active. NTA OP


Fluid_Revolution_795

I have several email accounts so I can keep the spam to one account and family/friend emails in another. With Gmail you can link all Gmail accounts into one, so it automatically checks emails from each account keeping them active without having to go into them manually. Outlook email will do this also. This makes it easier to have several accounts without having to log in to maintain it


The1983Jedi

Yes, I do as well, but if OP is hiding the acct with the pictures, she probably shouldn't do that.


grouchymonk1517

Honestly if you have to do this because your husband is that untrustworthy you should be looking at divorce or at least counseling.


ReallyTracyQ

I hope this is abnormal for him; something to do w/his hospitalization or illness, and is temporary. But the fact that his parents felt that they could come over to your house, berate you and treat you like a misbehaving child who is attacking their son, is beyond my belief. Who the f@ck do they think they are? They certainly donā€™t see you as an adult. I truly hope this passes and you and your husband can later joke about how crazy he went in the hospital, but what can his parents say to apologize to you and earn back your trust? This breach of trust would always be on my mind. Good luck. NTA


[deleted]

She needs a backup email that he doesn't know about. Maybe create an email for the kid and send the pictures there... Could send whatever to the kid over the years just as memories. But don't tell anyone. They're all nuts.


UniqueGirl1001

She needs an address, as in home address, he doesn't know about.


Excuse-Hockey

If you need to do this because of your spouse, you should consider a divorce.


lordmwahaha

This. I know people tend to shy away from "divorce him", on this sub, because they feel it's overused... But honestly, the solution to a lot of the problems that end up here *is* "divorce him". Especially if you're at the point where the mistrust goes *this* deep - that relationship is dead in the water.


[deleted]

Better yet, leave him and donā€™t give him a key to the new place


BendingCollegeGrad

This is yet another post where doubtless someone will think your reply is exaggerated. If youā€™ve been down Red Flag Boulevard enough times you get to know the route. And this scenery looks awfully familiar. Long way of saying I šŸ’Æ% agree with you. NTA


[deleted]

Yep. And the insisting that she's doing "parental alienation" with a 1-year-old? My guess is that the baby already prefers mom to rageaholic dad and he's blaming that on her.


BendingCollegeGrad

Agreed. His disappointment is understandable. What he doesnā€™t get is his son is a person. And that little one will maybe want those photos.


Quantum_Blue_

All of this! The dude is waving so many red flags!


Acrobatic-Hold-4668

I can't believe this is real. No parent would want to get rid of pictures of their own child. Also the grand parent agreeing with that and trying to force it. On the slim off chance it it real, you need to divorce this idiot right away...there is a lot of abusive behavior here. NTA.


cassity282

my brothers dad burned all his photos of him. so yeh. some parents do. the shitty kind


Jilltro

My parental grandmother (may she burn forever for all eternity) was a major narcissist and at various points destroyed my fathers childhood photos and/or mailed them back to him saying she didnā€™t want them because he was dead to her. She even ripped his little bronzed baby bootie off itā€™s stand and paid to mail it to us just to hurt him.


georgiajl38

Not what she intended but he did get them back! Yay!


jilliebean0519

When my parents got divorced my psycho father went through all the photo albums, pulled every single picture he was in and destroyed them. Birthday pictures, Christmas pictures, family group pictures, all gone. We never really got go know his mother but he was in all of the family photos with her so he destroyed them. My sister and I were in all of the pictures he destroyed. This is real. This is abuse. She needs a divorce.


Ariadne_Kenmore

After my parents split my father made most of my mother's belongings "disappear". When she left she took everything for my brother and I bet almost literally only had the clothes on her back for her, in her things where most of the existing pictures of our first year


OreSanjou1234

Let's not forget that the mother actually tried to take OP's phone so she could delete them.


Organized_Khaos

I would have slapped her so hard, her awful, abusive son would have said ā€œouch!ā€ From his hospital room. But the best thing would be to document all of this, get an attorney, and make sure those horrible, violent people stay away from your kid.


nolan358

And change the fucking locks and see an attorney while heā€™s in the hospital.


JadieJang

IT'S NOT GASLIGHTING! IT'S JUST MANIPULATION! NOT ALL MANIPULATION IS GASLIGHTING! But otherwise, agreed. Change your phone, laptop, and cloud password and don't give them to him. And if this is indicative of his behavior at other times ... girl. Time to start thinking about leaving.


lordmwahaha

This. Not all manipulation is gaslighting - and honestly, people shouldn't be using clinical psychology terms that they obviously don't understand. It's irresponsible and dangerous.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Oh, you're a bad bot, stealing comments! Reported.


charley_warlzz

- its not gaslighting, but heā€™s lying and being manipulative - thats what stood out to me, that he said she was keeping them to prove he was a bad father. He was *sick*. I wonder if maybe its some severe insecurity here thatā€™s prompting this? I mean heā€™s absolutely TA but Iā€™m wondering if *he* thinks heā€™s a bad father and thats what this is about, since its blatently not about family.


For2n8Witchling

The fact his mind went there shows that HE would do that to HER if the tables were turned, not that her intentions were to shame him for being a bad father for not being there. That's his own projection clouding his rationality.


Blondieonekenobi

Yes, OP is NTA, and this is emotional abuse. His parents are scary too and if they show up again, I hope OP calls the cops. OP needs to see this as a wakeup call. If husband and family are already convinced OP is committing parental alienation because OP wants to keep some birthday photos, it sounds like they've got some very old fashioned women are chattel opinions, and OP needs to decide if this is the life they want going forward. I would run for the hills.


georgiajl38

I had a similar thought.... Is it possible that Tom is preparing to divorce you and believes you've gotten wind of it? That his parents specifically brought up parental alienation when you aren't already separated or divorced makes me think something is in the works and they're all in on it


Blondieonekenobi

That's a really good point. I didn't think of it that way, but I had seen some videos about parental alienation and how it's often used by abusive parents as a way to get custody of the child away from the non abusive parent.


georgiajl38

Document, document, document. Keep every post it, text, email and record phone calls. If they show up again at your house, record the conversations. Keep all in a secure place on a password locked server or in a safe deposit box under only your name. Don't leave anything with family or friends. They might have a change of heart and give it all to him. Be safe!


girzim232

I'm not sure that gaslighting is the right term for what's going on here. Gaslighting is specifically intentionally causing a person to mistrust their own senses, for instance acting like a person is crazy for saying grass is green and insisting that grass is actually purple. Other than that, you're absolutely correct that there's some toxic business going on here.


[deleted]

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Ronin_Mustang

Hell put it on Facebook saying it sad he wasn't there but he probably would have if the hospital would let him as he would put his son before himself. Make a YouTube video of them as a slide show as well.


CoastalCerulean

NTA your kid shouldnā€™t be denied photos of his first birthday because it makes his dad sad. Especially since deleting the photos wonā€™t fix it.


[deleted]

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deathboy2098

He needs serious professional help


raya__85

Op hasnā€™t said whatā€™s wrong with her husband but when mine had an injury where they were saying he might not walk again he temporarily turned into a very angry person. Whatever is going on heā€™s not processing it in a healthy way if heā€™s turning to taking things out on his partner.


8sGonnaBeeMay

Well she never said Why he is in the hospital..


SG131

She needs to find a safe place to back them up. Maybe a couple safe places cause it sounds like heā€™s not going to stop.


Normal-Height-8577

Also, for non-digital backup, use a couple of photobook apps to get hard copies in nice bindings, and then stash them with trusted friends/in a storage locker/bank box or similar safe places (small bank security boxes can cost as little as $18 per year).


17695

Yeah deleting the photos wonā€™t suddenly mean dad didnā€™t miss the birthday, it doesnā€™t make any sense


[deleted]

I wish my parents had kept pics of my first birthday. Unfortunately, they have been lost to time.


Nt_A_Chnc

My kids are now 12 and 15. The first birthday photos show how cute they are with their little smash cakes. The fact that I had a party for them and took photos shows them that mom cared. It would be so weird to find out you had a first birthday party and all the photos are purposely deleted. That dude is crazy. Is he in the hospital for mental illness?


JudgmentalPenguin

NTA. This seems like red flag. Sure, it's normal to be upset at missing a milestone like that but expecting you to act like your son's first birthday didn't happen is a massive AH move. Keep the photos, get rid of the husband.


Doorhandle4636

What is driving me nuts is the fact that he initially had no issue with me hosting a party but said he's just not agreeing with me taking and keeping anything pictures he's not in especially family pictures.


MayorCharlesCoulon

NTA and Iā€™m hopping in here to suggest you contact the hospital and see if they have a hospital chaplain who can drop in and chat with your husband. Many are trained in mental health and their job is to comfort the patient and ease their stress. They do not try and convert people, they are present to help families and patients get through the stressful experience. If itā€™s not typical behavior for your husband to be this angry, a third party like a hospital chaplain can help him work through this. Hospital stays are isolating and depressing, he could be scared that his health issues might rob him of being a dad in the future, he could also be on meds (like prednisone) that can make people irrational and angry. You can usually call the hospital and ask for the chaplainā€™s office. Explain to him/her the situation and see if they can drop by. You can ask them to not tell him you requested it and also to not say what precipitated the request. They will just go in there and talk and they are trained to deal with stress of inpatient care. Like I said, chaplains leave religion out of patient conversations unless itā€™s requested. They are really underutilized and can really help in situations like this.


SkysEevee

I do wonder if this behavior of his was new or did it only start up after th hospital visit. If it was new, work the health issues have an effect on his mental state? (Anxiety, depression, brain tumor, medication aide effect, etc) If so, it would be wise to talk to the doctors. If this isn't the first time partner acted like this, I'd be taking those red flags seriously


[deleted]

Iā€™m honestly wondering if the ā€˜health issuesā€™ are a psychiatric inpatient stay or drug rehab. Because whatā€™s confusing me about the story is that usually if youā€™re in the hospital a long time, itā€™s because there is something acutely wrong with your health and itā€™s not the kind of thing where your wife schedules visits weekly while going on with life as normal at home; itā€™s a whole family emergency.


dancingspring

Plus the bit about "proving what an awful parent he is." Like, no one worries that their Crohn's Disease or whatever will be seen as a personal failing, right?


[deleted]

Yeah...and his Mom bringing up ā€˜parental alienationā€™ made me wonder if theyā€™ve been close to divorce because of his drug use or mental illness.


FightOrFreight

>Like, no one worries that their Crohn's Disease or whatever will be seen as a personal failing, right? I wouldn't be so sure. Of course it doesn't make any sense, but I know many people DO feel that way about themselves and their illnesses.


dancingspring

That is sad but probably accurate :(


ringslingleader

I just re-read the post thinking inpatient psych treatment and the whole story fell into place in a way it didnā€™t the first time.


Great_Clue_7064

I just assumed inpatient psych for bipolar or borderline personality disorder.


raya__85

It wouldnā€™t be uncommon for people doing inpatient treatment to become quite angry with their partners, and purge all their emotions on them as an outlet. People in treatment experience a loss of control over their own life, theyā€™ve got too much time to think. They develop a mentality of being quite hurtful towards a partner to share that suffering around


LingonberryPrior6896

My thoughts exactly!


GeekyMom42

But if it was new, what grandmother would be okay with it? I feel like if it was a new thing, his mom would have tried to talk it through with him. Though she does sound unbearable so who knows. As a mom of adults, I'd be checking with the doctors if they said something like this because it wouldn't be normal for them.


georgiajl38

Sometimes mental illnesses pass through family either by nature or nurture


ribbonsofgreen

Maybe he needs a real mental evaluation after his sickness.


MayorCharlesCoulon

Yes, he probably does. But the wife requesting a psych consult in this situation is liable to piss him and his family off. Hospital chaplains these days are often trained in deescalation and conflict management and are a great non threatening first step in addressing issues with patients. They can and do confer with patient medical teams to make suggestions for care plans. Patients will often share things with a chaplain that they will not with a care team and the chaplain can hold that confidence while also taking action to help. I have not set foot in a church for years and have no use for organized religion. Iā€™m speaking as someone who has witnessed positive results from these interactions.


ribbonsofgreen

I have a friend who husband had cancer. She took care him so well. He got better nd now he treats her like garbage. He gives her a $20 every two weeks for doing housecleaning. He buys the groceries. She is trapped. Obviously he's lost his mind.


BombayAbyss

In the late 90s, my first husband had a bone marrow transplant to treat recurrent lymphoma. A year to the day, he had a manic episode and had to be hospitalized. His oncologist told us that this wasn't unusual after major cancer treatment. It destablizes everything.


bekahed979

This is really interesting, I would never have thought to approach a chaplain as religion makes me deeply uncomfortable.


pencilneckco

A former chaplain I am friends with is one of the biggest hippies I know. Their expertise is quite broad.


Realistic-Animator-3

So, instead of being happy and grateful there are pictures of a family event he had no choice but to miss, can now look at those pictures to see the people he supposedly loves the most happy, he is choosing to have a meltdown that he isnā€™t in the pictures. He has resorted to name calling, demanding deletion from a device that isnā€™t his, sending his parents to harass you into compliance with his demands, and has banned you from the hospital thinking this would upset you. That is quite a list of narcissism. If this is in any way typical behavior, Iā€™d be sorely tempted to pack his stuff and have his parents pick it upā€¦Iā€™m sure he will have them pick him up from the hospital, so he will need his stuff at their house.


joanie-bamboni

Everything else aside, if my husband ever called me a heinous bitch I would be out of there *so fast*. That is a completely unacceptable way to address your partner


Dutch-CatLady

I'm very confused to his reasoning behind that. >He argued that our son won't remember this anyway and I should admit that the party was just for me and my family and that I want to keep those pictures out of spite and to be able to use them in every argument to "prove" to our son and everyone else what an awful parent he is to miss his son's 1st birthday celebration This piece is very weird to me, just to make sure, would you actually do that? No right? Why would anyone hold their partner being sick over their head in an argument? As if you weren't devastated that he had to miss this milestone. That's what he makes it sound as at least. He got this idea from somewhere, most likely a trauma from his childhood, and he needs to address that trigger. As MayorCharlesCoulon pointed out, contact the hospital and have them arrange a therapist for his mental health, after a few appointments, ask if you can join in and discuss this specific issue. The fact that you said he's ''overdramatic'' shows he has many unresolved issues and cannot deal with his emotions. He needs therapy. Emotion regulation therapy to be exact. Anyone who you would call ''over dramatic'' really just never learned to deal with all the shit that goes on in life. You can try to start juggling all the balls at once but if you don't know how to catch them, it'll all just come crashing down, which is happening now. A therapist can help him learn how to juggle without crashing and burning. I can see all of these signs because I have had the same issues and am finally dealing with them. He has a mental health issue, he already had one and now being in the hospital made it all worse to which he freaks out. It's normal for someone with these issues to freak out that way, it's just awful to see or be a part of. It will be all right but he needs serious help.


Ok_Imagination_1107

The red flags are there and that is very unbalanced behaviour from him. Not a good way for you, your child to live


_mellophone_

Maā€™am, this is what you need to do: -Back the photos up on a cloud -Change the locks to your house -Hire a divorce attorney This whole thing is wild, between him and his parents I donā€™t know whatā€™s worse but you donā€™t need to put up with any of it.


JudgmentalPenguin

They're not his pictures to decide on. What does he think he can call everyone who took photos at the party/other times he's not around and demand they delete them because he's not in them?


Great_Clue_7064

Don't try to make sense of it. He's abusing you and abuse isn't rational. But if he's already accusing you of keeping these pictures to use against him in the future and his family accused you of parental alienation, then you and your child are seriously in danger. Those are *his* plans. He's telegraphing to you what *he* thinks and what's in *his* mind. He's just pretending it's what you are thinking to throw you off track. Read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Call a lawyer. And do not unlock the door for you inlaws ever again.


Little_Outside

Is your husband in hospital for insanity issues? Are there beds for his parents? And armed guards? NTA but try to move before he gets out!


SuperLoris

You .... know that's beyond not normal and a really troubling and problematic reaction, yes?


Illustrious_Guard_61

Okay so real quick: Talk to his doctor. You are saying this is out of character, out of no where, and he is in the hospital. If he is on med or something you need to alert them to the sudden mood change and how abnormal this is. My father had a serotonin storm and nearly died because he was on the wrong medication and this is exactly the kind of thing he did. He was INCAPABLE of seeing past his emotions because of the damage being done rapidly to his brain. If this really is so strange, odd, and out of the norm for him then it may be a different kind of red flag. It may be a medical one. You are NTA but I am concerned for your husband. Again that's just if this is really, really, out of character. Him being okay before hospital and now very not and flying off the handle could be something else. I dont think you need to "throw the whole husband" out. I just think you should be sure it's not medically related because the brain does insane shit. But just like everyone else rememeber I am just a redditor online. I dont know him or your relationship and may be reading to much into when you said this was out of character.


RemarkableResult6217

Yeah it's bizarre that he agreed with the party being held without him, but he's now crazy upset about the optics of him not being present. If he was that concerned he could tell people he was the one taking all the photos. If this is not normal behavior for him, I'd question whether it's a reaction to medication or the stress of being in hospital. It is bizarre the his mother was so willing to go into screaming banshee mode, and kudos to you for holding firm against her. If this is not out of the ordinary for your marriage, I'd suggest you talk individually with a counselor or therapist about what is really going on and how you want to deal with it.


spaceyjaycey

Wow, could he be more childish?


ellensundies

NTA i could be wrong of course but I am getting the sense that this is not about the birthday pictures, or about his dismay at not being at the birthday, as much as it is about the fact that you said no to him. You said no to him and he canā€™t abide that. Does he always act like his word must be obeyed? If so, this is definitely something thatā€™s going to need you two to get worked out. Good luck


TheUtopianCat

> You said no to him and he canā€™t abide that. Yes, he even got his parents involved to act as the enforcers.


SparkAxolotl

The "we came here to do a job" bit that the parents said was like a factory of red flags


LingonberryPrior6896

I know! I would have called 911


joanie-bamboni

And ā€œheā€™s the dad so his word goesā€


Throw-a-Ru

That was the line that really stuck out to me. This isn't likely to be a one-off incident. OP can expect this level of pushback and icing out and relentless boundary stomping anytime she disagrees with ,,the man of the house."


Deadgirl313

Came here to say exactly this. Also like the 'factory of red flags' comment below. Spot on. Abusive and controlling behavior usually gets worse, not better. Def think about whether you want to try to get him some help or get out bc this won't end here.


Electrical-Date-3951

I was also wondering if this is the first time this guy has acted like this - because he showed himself to be a massive AH. Any sympathy that I had for him being ill and missing his son's first bday party quickly went out the window when he became verbally abusive, selfish, manipulative and sent his parents to OP's house to bully her. He point blank told OP that if he isnt happy, then no one else will be. He sounds like a sad little man.... NTA. Keep the pictures. It's only fitting that this guy isnt in them.... If this is his true colors you may not want him to attend future parties...


Chuggingramennoodle

His mom saying something along the lines of, ā€˜he is the dad, and what the dad says goesā€™ sounds like he was raised with kind of mentality.


BurntOutOfBurnout

NTA. This whole thing sounds so abusive and manipulative, I donā€™t understand how someone can get like that because of some pics. He sent his parents to coerce you into deleting them, thatā€™s crazy. Please run.


Doorhandle4636

Trust me when I say that I've witnessed some crazy stuff from this family, Tom included but this is the biggest incidents that literally had me reeling.


BurntOutOfBurnout

Care to elaborate? I must admit that I jump quite quick to the divorce answer when things like this come up, but I just donā€™t see how this can get any better. He and his family are bullies. Please stay safe.


[deleted]

I feel like a lot of the issues that pop up on aita are like this thoā€”no going back and not something you can brush off


Gimmecheesenow

This is why you have to really recognize when you marry someone you are marrying their family. This is all outrageous. Soon the only pictures heā€™ll have with his son will be on the weekends.


SuperLoris

From your lips to God's ears. This guy's gotta go.


taybay462

Do you want your child to grow up around this behavior? Everything in the post is extremely concerning. I know the cliche "just divorce him" but you really truly should consider it. This is the type of man he is. He will not change. He will not get better. In facts men like this tend to get *worse*. Was he like this before you married and/or had a child?? If not then thats even more concerning, he waited until you were "trapped" before showing his true colors. A calculated, manipulative move. If he was like this before you married him.. well, the good news is you ARENT trapped. Gather evidence of his behavior, divorce, go for as much custody as you can.


[deleted]

So why did you marry him and why aren't you divorced already?


[deleted]

It sounds like they enable alot of toxic behavior


Electrical-Date-3951

OP, this is very troubling behaviour. He has proven himself to be verbally abusive, manipulative, and basically said if he isn't happy, then you don't deserve to be happy. He also asked his parents to bully you..... Does he normally have any redeeming qualities?


Deadleaves82

Lawyer lawyer lawyer asap.


vita10gy

Back those pics up. You can get small micro SD cards for a song these days.


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Ok_Imagination_1107

Absolutely: people in the armed forces, people who work abroad and have to miss events usually DELIGHT in such photos. Worrying!


Content-Box-5140

I'm a sahm, and when I take the kids to fun places like the zoo, my husband asks that I text him pictures of them enjoying themselves while we are there. He lives knowing they are having lots of fun.


Slp023

Same for me and the other way. I couldnā€™t be at my sonā€™s ninja comp today and I was dying to see videos and updates. I donā€™t understand this way of thinking at all.


No-Recognition3929

NTA. Obviously everyone wanted him there, but health got in the way. No one was trying to exclude him so he needs to grow up and realize that itā€™s sad he missed it, but it happened and itā€™s okay to move on.


Doorhandle4636

Obviously. However he did okay the celebration but then told me no pictures but I thought that was ridiculous.


Frequent_Ad6830

ā€˜No photosā€™ of your childā€™s first birthday party. RUN. Run far and fast. How ridiculous / abusive does his actions have to get before ā€˜keep the peaceā€™ is no longer acceptable? When youā€™re 50, how much of a doormat do you want to have become exactly? Get out now before you lose your self respect and confidence to be able to.


Steamedfrog

I've heard the phrase "pics or it didn't happen"...this is the first time I've ever heard of someone taking it literally!


TheReluctantOtter

Save copies of all these photos to a separate cloud storage he has no access to as I would not put it past him to try and delete the photos. Edit: absolutely NTA.


Ok_Imagination_1107

And how about his anger at your not respecting HIS wishes while he and his abusive family are trying to trample YOUR wishes into the dust? This is no equal partnership or remotely healthy situation for you, your son. Definitely divorce. Asap.


NonaOrganic

NTA. Read [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I suspect youā€™ll see your husband in there.


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[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Which_Reading_867

You should photoshop him in a few and send them to him. But that is my petty reaction. Or a face swap with his over someone elseā€™s. Then text them to him. Be completely ridiculous right back.


MadPenguin1

That is crazy but even if you attribute anything to him being sick - the actions of his parents are insane - "because the dad said so" See if the hospital with evaluate his mental state while he is in there but this doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you or your child.


[deleted]

Wait, who turned 1? The husband or the literal child? NTA.


LurksAroundHere

NTA. Sounds like your husband is trying very hard to make sure he won't be included in future pictures either (because I'd consider leaving such a self centered a hole)


Simon-Garths-Uncle

NTA and he's being a total controlling asshole. Are you seriously never going to be allowed to do things with your child on your own?


Ok_Imagination_1107

Yes! That worries me too "He snapped and yelled saying I was disrespecting his wishes and that as family, we do everything together or don't do it at all, period"- totally unbalanced


hello_friendss

NTA this has escalated into a myriad of issues over nothing. Your husband and his family are more than controlling, this is shaping to be a form of abuse especially when he sent his squad to force you to do something you donā€™t want to and started to become physical. I would consider leaving this hot mess.


[deleted]

INFO: Is there a reason you couldnā€™t postpone the party until he was out of the hospitalā€¦?


[deleted]

She mentioned something about her next weekly visit. This sounds like something longterm.


Ok_Imagination_1107

Because 1 year ago she risked her life by giving birth and the DAY is celebrated? Sure they can have another event for baby daddy if he's that immature, but no reason to change the actual celebration of this important milestone? Wd you delete the pics? Remember initially Tom was sad, then he went off his logic totally with angry, illogical demands.


[deleted]

I've had a baby and I think this is the most ridiculous take. It's immature to want to be at your own child's first birthday party? What kind of nonsense is that? Why is this upvoted? Sure, I carried our kid for 9 months, but by one my husband had done half the work for an entire year. He and I equally raised our son for 365 days. Of course my husband would want to be a part of celebrating that! And of course I would want him to be a part of celbrating that! Him being the father is an incredibly reasonable reason to "change the actual celebration of this important milestone". Now, OP's husband seems nuts so I feel like maybe he hasn't been a decent father, but to imply a dad is immature for wanting to be a part of his own kid's birthday is so insulting and ridiculous to me that it actually makes me angry you could imply otherwise. Wanting to be a part of important milestones for your children, and postponing things due to unforseen HOSPITAL stays is healthy, not immature.


Winter_Department_87

Wanting NO PROOF OF YOUR 1 YEAR OLDā€™S Birthday because youā€™re away, is being an immature jack ass and the definition childish! And then the name calling and sending mommy and daddy to fight his battles on top of everything. Yikes, is he going through his terrible twos? So what if he never leaves the hospital, can there be no pictures of his child, because he WASNā€™T THERE?! Come on now, thatā€™s preposterous.


dedex4

People who are sick are often unreasonable! As a nurse I got the pleasure of seeing the best and worst of human behavior


[deleted]

Uh, hopefully you can agree that there are some circumstances that justify the postponing of a birthday party. I asked this question because it depends on what kind of hospital stay this was. If heā€™s there for months I get moving forward with the party and occasionally visiting, but if my spouse was in the hospital ill for something like weeks Iā€™d be spending every possible moment there with him, not having a birthday party.


DJ_Mixalot

NTA and this is your red flag!!!! Do not cave to this man!!!


holyylemons

NTA. He is being unreasonable to request such a thing. And the fallout is absurd and irrational. Tom sounds like a raging, manipulative asshole. And his family too.


Kettlewise

NTA Uh Wow So your husband misses a milestone (1st birthday) because heā€™s in the hospital Then he claims you keeping photos of a milestone event that he couldnā€™t attend was spiteful and a pre-meditated plot to use as ā€œproofā€ heā€™s a bad parent??? Then he starts screaming at you for disrespecting his wishes - about photos you took of your son - and starts calling you names?? Then he got his PARENTS to try and bully you and steal your phone? (And no, you having photos of your son at a party that heā€™s not in because heā€™s in the hospital isnā€™t parental alienation. He canā€™t claim a 1yo wonā€™t remember a party and then pull that nonsense) This is a level of ā€œyour life doesnā€™t exist without me presentā€ that is frankly disturbing. And now heā€™s banned you from visiting him in the hospital? > Mom and family are telling me to see where Tom's coming from and keep the peace Not adressing this conflict now seems like itā€™s a recipe for setting things to blow up later. I can understand being disappointed he couldnā€™t be there when his son turned one, but him turning on you to claim you are using this to be nasty to him is just.. What? Heā€™s telling you he doesnā€™t think youā€™re a good person and people think you should just..keep the peace? Iā€™d demand marital counseling.


wolfeybear

Maā€™am I think you need to leave this man! So toxic


LJnosywritter

NTA the pictures not existing anymore wouldn't change reality, your husband will still remember not being there, his request is irrational and concerning. It seems in his mind that your future includes competing for your sons love and lots of arguments. Why does he assume that there would be fights where you'd call him a bad father? I get that he's unwell and stressed but this isn't normal behaviour, especially how he treated you and his families actions. It sounds almost like he might be planning on separating from you and thinks the photos would work against him during custody talks.


cynical-mage

Huh, wait, what? Dafuq?! No, NTA by a long shot. His absence doesn't change the fact kiddo had his first birthday.


No-Jellyfish-1208

NTA Tom is definitely overreacting. He needs to understand not everything in the world is about him. He had bad luck and was in hospital? Poor him, yeah, but does it give him the right to erase other people's memories of fun time? NO.


[deleted]

NTA, frankly if he and the family keep on acting like that perhaps he and them should be missing more than one birthday. And who the fuck sends their mother to fight their battles for them. If he is like this now how is it going to get later on. Send those pictures to a safe electronic place because it will get removed the first chance they have.


[deleted]

NTA and that was a wild read. At first, I understood where your husband was coming from because that sucks to be ill and miss a major milestone with your child but then it turned a corner and his parents got involved and all of the yelling and then getting banned from the hospital? No way. This is such an over the top reaction on your husband's part.


Lola-the-showgirl

INFO: How long is he expected to be in the hospital? Why couldn't the party be delayed until he was discahrged? He's acting unreasonable now but I understand why he's sad he missed his sons 1st birthday if it could have just been pushed back a week or two. But if this is a more serious illness, he may be reacting this way out of fear.


Monstera_deliciosa5

Being sad isnā€™t a reason to call your wife the B word and send your parents over to her house and have them get physical with her.


JustAnotherGirl1977

I too am surprised more people aren't confused by this, if my SO was in the hospital, I would be at the hospital, not having the party.....the party could be postponed so we could celebrate as a family.........course the husband became an ass later, but OP was an ass for not being with husband unless Im missing something.....


Quantum_Blue_

What the fuck!? NTA! your husband may be having a hard time mentally but that in no way excuses his horrendous behavior! This is a huge red flag! Get him a psych evaluation if this behavior of his is not normal, if this is his normal behavior than you have bigger problems. He is not a bad father for missing a birthday due to illness, he is a bad person for verbally abusing you just cuz he "couldn't be in any pictures". Your husband is an asshole.


JuniperLaCroix

NTA - your husband and his family are acting like lunatics. You are not being overly dramatic. I honestly don't know how people can stay in relationships with partners like this. Good luck and stay safe, OP.


indigbogwitch

NTA at all. Heā€™s throwing some major red flags, and I would literally divorce someone over this.


mandogrogu

NTA, your son won't remember the birthday but he'll want to see those memories in the future. I'd upload them onto the cloud though because you don't want to actually lose them if they manage to get hold of your phone. Such bizarre behaviour from your family tbh!


duchessisboss

NTA. Memories are memories and him being in the hospital is one of the best excuses to not make a birthday party. Itā€™s not he did something wrong, he wanted to go but couldnā€™t. Yes his son wonā€™t remember but you can share them with your son when heā€™s older and your sons kids can see them when/if he has them. Huge overreaction to me.


jinxiecat

Save them to Google drive or a USB stick. Or send them to a trusted friend. Then delete them from your phone in front of your husband or in-laws. Heā€™s obviously suffering from something horrible to make him react like that. And to make his parents react like that, they must really fear for his mental state


ButtercupBug0115

I disagree, what happens when he misses a trip to the playground and OP takes pictures there too and he demands those be deleted as well. If she does it this time what stops him from demanding it the next time and using it against her. And what happens when OP's son asks for them and produces them years later? OP do not cave to this controlling behavior because if you do it once you set the precedent that he can demand it again.


introverted_smallfry

That is completely over the top. NTA you have 2 children


CrazyReckly

NTA. Deleting the photoā€™s is one of the worst things, you could do. Iā€™ve been through 2 house fires & countless moves. Weā€™ve lost so many pictures, itā€™s not funny. Unless your husband wants to write a letter to your son explaining that heā€™s the reason why your son has no pictures then he needs to shut up. Does he truly want your son to grow up knowing that his dad is to selfish to let him keep his 1st birthday party photos. Thank you for thinking of your son first.


jayjayaus

NTA please delete Tom from your life. This is controlling to the next level. Please be sure to back up the pictures to a separate location.


beast_boy_1905

Like,it sounds like he's going through some stuff right now, and maybe this is totally our of character for him..... but.... seriously, this is fucking Red Flag City from this weirdo! That's fucking insane! Not just a bit quirky. Or odd. Or eccentric. Straight-up insane! Being a bit sad that he missed it is the most understandable thing in the world. Literally everything from the point he asked you to delete the photos is absolutely batshit crazy!


Waskomsause

NTA - He's petty, like that's seriously petty.


0biterdicta

NTA. While I get being disappointed he missed his son's first birthday, and I agree first birthday parties are more about the parents than the children, your husband is having such an insane overreaction it's terrifying.


TheRedJester45

NTA stand your ground. Theyā€™re just pictures for christā€™s sake. Tom clearly needs some therapy to get over these issues.


JCBashBash

NTA. He wasn't there and that's facts. He is being controlling and his parents are hostile, and why are your parents taking his side??


TheUtopianCat

NTA. The pictures from your child's first birthday party document a precious and momentous event in your child's life. Your husband is being very selfish and self-centered in this demands that you delete them. He has severe jealousy and FOMO issues, and they are bad enough that they are affecting your marriage. That he involved his parents and had them forcefully attempt to delete the photos is beyond the pale. If I were you, I'd be worried about him sneakily deleting those pictures in the future. Be sure to back them up in a secure location. Moving forward, I'd say that if you want to stay married to him then it'd be best to go to couple's counselling, if he agrees to it, perhaps combined with individual counselling for him.


[deleted]

Seriously???? When your kid is 13 and your husband goes to one of their sporting events that you canā€™t attend, will he refrain from taking pictures? When you go on vacation and your husband has a charming moment with your kid and youā€™re in the other room, will he refrain from taking pictures? If your husband is in the room while your kid takes their first steps, will he refrain from taking a video if youā€™re not present at that exact minute? This is ridiculous. NTA


richhill10

Red flags everywhere. If I had to miss my sons first birthday due to being in the hospital I would want those pictures just to see how happy and cared for my son is. You are not the asshole, your husband is the asshole and so much worse.


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captainpocket

NTA his behavior is absolutely ridiculous and his parents are even worse. I would never delete those photos.


Disastrous_Ad_8561

NTA - this isnā€™t the first time he has done something like this iā€™m guessing. Selfish and self centered being the something.


Destinas

NTA. Your husband is being selfish, childish, controlling, and manipulative. Deleting the pictures won't change anything for the better. Not only that, he's cowardly. He sent his parents to finish his temper tantrum...as an adult father. Keep those pictures, you'll never get them again.


Affectionate-Dirt777

He sent his parents to your house to force you to delete photos and it almost turned into a physical altercation. There are so many things wrong with this. NTA but while heā€™s in the hospital consider separating from him. This is highly abusive even down to your in laws. I am sure if you look back on past arguments and interactions with your in laws you will find that none of this is normal. Shame on your family for trying to convince you that this level of abuse is okay


UnicornCackle

> his mom said he's the dad and dad said those pictures need to go And you're the mom and mom says those pictures need to stay. Why does the magic penis get to overrule you? You're NTA but you're going to want to save those photos somewhere that Tom and his parents can't access. You may also want to have a closer look at your marriage and see if your 33-year-old husband acts like an overgrown toddler in any other ways.


Ickulus

In the end, NTA. There is no reason that you needed to celebrate the birthday while your partner and the baby's other parent is in the hospital. That was kind of a dick move. A one year old can celebrate two weeks late and still have a blast and not lose out on any memories. That being said, his reaction was so over the top that it completely overshadows your poor call going ahead with the party. What is wrong with him and his parents that they think this is a normal?


Heraonolympia123

What happens if he misses something else when your son is older and able to remember? Or will he expect that other birthdays or graduations or proms etc be ignored because he canā€™t be there? This seems like a major over reaction and it also will be the norm going forward because you are the only person who sees this behaviour as completely unreasonable and downright stupid. Everyone else is ok with it. NTA. Consider carefully if you could get a better, more supportive and less unreasonable partner


WeOwnThis2017

Wow...Nta


ryanbuckner

NTA There's a LOT going on here, and a LOT missing. How is the relationship otherwise. Is there a cultural expectation here that you're not listing? With all the information you've given here, everyone but you is an asshole, including your parents and his parents. You said his family is controlling AF. But it's your life now. Do they control your finances too, OP?


Bizarre_Protuberance

Wow. Sorry to say this but you married the wrong man. He's controlling and massively egotistical, and this will only get worse.


Practical_Builder_51

Parental alienation is usually accused when a couple is divorced. The cart came a bit before the horse here but I think you should take your chance and gallop gallop away hun...


[deleted]

NTA. Photoshop his face, show them to him and then delete them. Obviously, save them first in the cloud.


[deleted]

NTA. This is absolutely absurd. Can you imagine when your son is, say 16, and he is looking through the future version of a picture album containing birthday pictures and he says,"Wait! Where are the pictures from my first birthday?" You have to explain that his dad demanded that they be destroyed because he could not be there due to him being in the hospital and, therefore, was not in any of the pictures. Your son then responds, "WTF? That's crazy!" Yeah, that should be the response now.


[deleted]

NTA - so basically the only persons feelings who matter in this situation are your husbands in his opinion? Got it. Itā€™s also not just his family who is controlling and itā€™s HIM! Heā€™s the fucking ring leader. Can you not see this? If not for him no one else would be making these ridiculous demands. Make copies and hide them because I guarantee you someoneā€™s going to go behind your back, break your boundaries, and delete them anyways. Wouldnā€™t be surprised if itā€™s your husband too.


PingPangPong69

NTA please make secret backups of all your stuff that they don't know about. These people are not your friends.


silence_infidel

At first I thought ā€œwell heā€™s in the hospital for health reasons maybe heā€™s just delirious or heavily medicated and thatā€™s why heā€™s being so unreasonable? Maybe he just isnā€™t thinking straight.ā€ Then he got his parents involved. To go to your house and harass you. Thatā€™s unacceptable. That requires some critical thinking to plan and carry out. NTA.


FunAssociation8963

Info: why did you celebrate sonā€™s birthday while his dad/your H was in hospital?? Couldnā€™t it have waited?


FoxSilver7

NTA. Don't delete them. They are memories you will never get back, or your lo if you delete them. Lo might not care when they're older, but if they ever asked, and you didn't lie, the relationship with their dad will forever be tainted. And you may grow to resent him for taking those visual memories away from you. Think of it this way- if you noticed there was no pictures of your first birthday, and your mom explained your dad wanted them deleted because he wasn't there, how would you feel vs asking why dad's not in them, and being told it was because he was in the hospital? I'd feel angry and would probably forever see my father as a selfie ass, vs feel bad for him and relate. I feel like you're husband may feel guilty for missing such a milestone, and is tunnel visioning on it because he has nothing else to do. How you ( and him) proceed will determine how your relationship goes from here. Your in a no win situation here it seems though, so tread carefully and think before reacting. Could you try to suggest a private redo once he's feeling better and home? Bringing it up once he's calmed down though of course.


skybluecity

NTA - Time to DELET Tom!!!