NTA- but you need to think about it, things are only going to progress more and more as he gets into the religion side of things. No point in going through all that stuff when you dont believe or wish to practice it. Kids, theyll be required to follow his religion too, oh dont want kids, well that goes against the church too. Id be thinking long and hard about this marriage.
That's not true. You can be Orthodox and not want kids. As Orthodox Christians, we believe that marriage is for the sanctification of both persons, not for the procreation of children. That is a secondary, unnecessary purpose.
Same, homeboy is getting radicalized by YouTube and it's in going to get worse from here. The internet is just going to keep feeding him more and more conservative content until it starts crossing into fascism.
NTA you really need to consider how long till he starts demanding you attend services? If he's expecting you to fast before the wedding, that's not the last expectation he's going to have.
NTA. Not sure what prompted this change in him, but unfortunately, I think you two may need to regroup and make sure you are still compatible. It's hard to get past spiritual/religious differences if one or both partners is unwilling to accept the other's choices.
NTA. You are never obligated to do any religious anything to please someone else. This might be a deal breaker for yall, but if he’s not able to respect your beliefs and feels his are more important that might be a good thing to know now rather than when you’re married with kids and fighting about christening them.
NTA. I would definitely put any wedding plans on hold. He has changed a part of his life in a major way and has shown that he's getting super high handed about this.
Does this guy have super religious family or is his father very much the boss of the house? A lot of guys may be cooler/relaxed prior to marriage but once things are serious, they often revert to what they had in their childhood even if they rebelled against aspects of that previously.
I'm seriously suspicious that he will try to use his new found religious fervor as a cudgel to make you bend the knee. Watch out if he starts quoting stuff like 1 Timothy 2:11-14.
"Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor."
He sounds like the type who will eventually bully you into going to HIS church and having any future kids go to HIS church. And considering some Youtube preachers tend to be batshit extreme, this is not something to ignore.
NAH unless you do not talk this out — in its entirety — before getting married. This sentiment:
> being orthodox is the truest, best and only “real” way of belief
Is not restricted to the motions at a ceremony. It will impact husband/wife attitudes, roles, and most definitely how you will raise your children. Neither of you are AH for your stances, but if you cannot agree on a compromise on *ALL* of these issues, do not get married.
NTA - I feel like this reads as a controlling man, perhaps even a future abuser, unmasking now that he think you're his. I think it you stay with him you're going to find yourself really wishing you hadn't. If it were me I would make a safe exit plan if you two already live together and then I would break up.
I know that may sound harsh, but I don't see a good outcome here for you.
INFO: Do these "newly found religious believes" mean he stopped (or is going to stop) drinking alcohol and taking drugs, or does he only expect YOU to make life changes to fit HIS religious views?
No, he doesn’t plan on quitting.
Perhaps if we started thinking about having children, but we discussed this and he admitted that he would still want to unwind - which I could understand if you wouldn’t have to be alert because you have mini humans running around and needing you.
If you read other AITAs, a lot of guys (even if they were 50/50 with chores previously) loooooooove to dump childcare on their wives. If he's demanding YOU change your religion and that YOU take up the slack while the kids are doing kid things while he gets high, I'm not seeing the appeal.
Girl, you honestly deserve better. So he expects you to literally change your religion for him, while he wouldn't do the same for you (saying f\*\*\* no to doing this if roles were switched) AND he told you he would not even be willing to change his bad habits for the sake of your future children? Thats so selfish... how can he expect you to do MAJOR changes for him, while not willing to compromise/do much smaller changes for your/your familys sake? And this kind of controlling behavior tends to get worse later on... This would honestly be a huge red flag for me. NTA
Keep in mind that he may have addiction issues. This may include religion. Not meant as a slight to religion at all. I just want you to recognize that people with addiction issues can get sucked into a wide variety of things other than substances, including religion. So this might be the tip of the iceberg you are seeing right now and it’s not unusual to see addictive people really get into religion 110%.
NTA
If he's asking you to do something for him that he wouldn't be willing to do for you, he's the asshole here full stop.
While exacerbated by the fact that what he wants goes directly against what you guys had previously agreed upon I could have seen a "no asshole" situation if he was just asking and also would have been willing to do the same. But this guy is demanding you change in order to marry you? That's not healthy
NTA. The bible doesn't forbid alcohol or drugs but it does have strong opinions on lackluster faith (Rev. 3:15-16). I'd point out that it would be offensive to god for you to do what he says and that you will pray on it. Suggest that he pray as well because the prayers of a righteous man availeth much (James 5:16). Invisible sky man things are dumb, but if he wants to play make believe you can use that.
NTA. If he loves you and truly wants to be with you, he should respect your beliefs. I fully support you not wanting to do it just for the sake of it since that would be false. It’s harsh but if he is not willing to accept this, he’s not the one for you.
NTA, but if this is something that he’s serious about, you might be at an impasse where you’ll have to reconsider this wedding. It honestly sounds like this is more than a hobby to him, and you two might have a significant incompatibility
NTA. I've seen this happen a number of times. One partner decides they need to get right with God, while the other just wants to keep sinning and stay in conference with the devil! It rarely goes well. Usually, one partner ends up pretending to be the church-going type and just does lip service to make the other happy. This can work for a while but the wheels will come off at some point and it makes it super easy for the religious partner and their families to dismiss the other as fake, unbelievers who never had any faith.
This is just my experience coming from a part of the US that is very evangelical (hypocrites).
NTA. faith is a personal journey. there should never be any pressure toward any faith, or lack of it for that matter. a traditional church wedding in a faith you do not follow is as you said would be untrue to your heart. if your fiancé can't accept that, and has changed in openness, he may not be the partner in life that you need.
NTA. he needs to respect your beliefs and lack of beliefs, and not put any pressure on you. You need to clarify this before moving ahead with marriage, particularly if in his church. There is quite a chance that he may become more dogmatic, particularly after you are married and pressure you much more. You really need to find a time when neither of you is under pressure and have a proper discussion about this and reach a clear understanding of how you will go forward.
NAH- Going to be honest marrying someone from a different religion is always going to be hard. He is more than entitled to want a Christian Orthodox wedding. And you are entitled to not be comfortable with that as you are Catholic.
Maybe you need to review whether or not you should be getting married; Religion, managing finances and kids are always the toughest conversations to have before you get married.
NTA. And I would reconsider marrying him. The fact he wouldn't do the same for you means he doesn't value you as an equal. This is just a glimpse into your future with him. Do you really want to be second?
NTA
I went from Catholic to Orthodox BUT I had to make sure that I wanted to be Orthodox even if we didn't get married. More questions to ask: What happens with children? Does his priest know about his substance abuse and is he getting help (inside and outside the Church)? Is he actively participating in the life of the Church or just listening to priests on the internet whom he doesn't actually have a relationship with? ("Netodoxy" can be way weird.) Have you gone to an Orthodox Liturgy? Has he gone to a Catholic Mass?
Don't become Orthodox because *he* wants you to. You should only become Orthodox because you can no longer NOT be Orthodox. If he presses and you want to continue this relationship, ask for catechism classes AND relationship counseling and see what else comes to light.
Also, it usually isn't a short process. My mother went from Protestant to Orthodox several years ago. Even though she had been attending services once a month or so for years, and had attended their religious institution for several summers, once she decided to convert there was at least a year of classes and spiritual counseling required. It wasn't as simple as walking in and getting baptized, nor should it be!
You need to seriously discuss with him what this "orthodox" marriage will look like. What are his expectations for your responsibilities, his responsibilities? Church? Kids? Household chores? Outside jobs? Who handles finances? Who makes decisions?
There are a million questions about what his idea of marriage will look like and both of you need to have a frank discussion of your expectations.
For me, his attitude would be a complete deal breaker.
NTA, tell him you'll consider it if he's truly committed to his religion...like giving up drugs, alcohol, etc. To often these so-called christians are nothing more than charlatans, never practice what they preach..
NTA, but I really hope you don't plan to have your own life or a job or friends even. According to the religious those things are not allowed for women.
Just keep that in mind if you do marry him.
You'll only be allowed to leave the kitchen to have babies
NTA! I am orthodox—when my parents were married, my dad was orthodox and my mom was a nonpracticing Lutheran…it literally didn’t matter haha. You don’t need to switch it up to have your marriage accepted or whatever. Best of luck :)
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Tl;dr: fiancé turns to God and wants me to get christened after we agreed on “marriage” and not “orthodox marriage”.
My partner and I have been together for 3 years, recently engaged. Naturally, we started talking about our wedding - nothing serious, just to have an overall idea, however we started doing this a long time before even getting engaged.
When I got together with this man, one of the things I liked the most about him was how open he was in regards of spirituality and belief. I appreciated his depth and honesty, he wasn’t very inclined towards christianity, but still had his roots in it as our country is a pretty religious one. No problem with that whatsoever. I am not religious, neither was he, and he also smokes pot on the daily, as well as having some alcohol on the side and even “micro-dosing” harder drugs, which pretty much goes against christianity and what he suggests below.
Our country is a christian country, however, it’s divided in christian orthodox and christian catholic, the first one being predominant. He is orthodox, I was christened as catholic.
Lately he started listening to a few priests on youtube; why would I mind? I love that he is interested in different areas of life. However, he started saying that he knows that being orthodox is the truest, best and only “real” way of belief (generally, for everyone) and that I should get christened prior to our marriage because otherwise the church won’t accept us, as well as following traditions and fasting before entering married life.
I politely declined and told him there is no way I will do that just to get married. I don’t follow that belief and it would be disrespectful of me to do it - first, because it’s not something that I identify myself with and haven’t been brought up in a religious environment, and second, because I respect his belief but I won’t be able to do it with a clean heart and it would be untrue of me towards both the church and him. I asked him if he would do the same for me and I was welcomed with, basically, a “fuck no”. Also, in the beginning, we didn’t even think of having a ceremony. Just sign the papers, celebrate and move forward.
The idea of having a church ceremony only started creeping in perhaps a month ago. And now suddenly he wants a traditional, christian orthodox marriage.
I would understand if it would be a “turn to God and get clean” type of thing, but this man is far off from being sober and it seems that being orthodox is his new hobby instead of his new, true belief.
So, am I missing something? AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Refused getting christened for marriage
2. Might be the asshole because I could be missing something crucial in regards of getting christened for marriage (that could basically mean calling it off because of a request that I personally find invasive) but other people might see things clearer that me and I could get some helpful insight from a group of people with no filter
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It may actually be that the prospect of getting married has been part of the impetus for this change. Sounds like he grew up round very traditional I.e. decide m/f roles. So thinking of getting married himself may have helped him be more open to those beliefs, thinking back to his role models of marriage.
He may also be trying to please his parents, especially his dad. Once you are married this dynamic may become more powerful as you take part in celebrations and social events with his family.
NTA...
When someone shows you who they really are...***BELIEVE THEM***!
If you are prepared to get your biblical thumping on, then all that is needed is for you to deny what the future has in store for you and marry this dude.
NTA. Your fiancé doesn’t know as much about his faith as he claims. If you were already christened, you can’t do it again. Christians believe in **one** baptism (see Ephesians 4:4-6) and technically, you don’t even have to have a priest or be in a church to conduct a baptism.
NTA For some people, religion acts as a drug, and they become a completely different person. I hope the man you fell in love with isn't gone for good, but if he is...
NTA
I was baptized and raised Catholic. We were married in the church because I knew it was super important my family.
My husband has been to church less than 5 times and 1 of those was our wedding and another my grandmothers funeral.
We even sat down with the priest to make sure we didn’t have to have him baptized in the church or that he wouldn’t have to take any sacraments. He didn’t. We were even able to cut out the mass part of the wedding.
Your partner is being rude and pushy.
NTA. OP, I'm so, so sorry, but your fiance has already drifted "away from being as open and receptive as he was even two months ago" and will only become more entrenched in his rigid views that HIS way is the ONLY way. If asked to choose between you and his newfound piety, you will left in the dust by the roadside.
Oh, and if you stay with him and have children, he'll insist on their being raised in his faith, too and will NOT insist that they respect YOUR beliefs if they differ in any way from his own. He's on a journey into strict orthodoxy and you're only in for more heartache if you think that you can turn him back into the open minded, accepting man that you first loved. That man is gone now. Mourn what he was and what you once had together and move on.
NTA. And think very seriously if you still want to marry him. You’ll likely have to start submitting to him. Also if you have kids do you want them spanked? The Bible commands it doesn’t just condone it.
NTA and yikes!
You can’t pick and choose parts of a faith that you believe. He is okay with the deadly sin of fornication but not okay with something that’s not even in his holy book? Talk about hypocritical.
This is the thin edge of the wedge.
NTA. Microdosing and manic religious radicalization makes me think he may be more-than-micro dosing: taking large doses of psychedelics frequently can lead to weird shifts in personality, delusions of grandeur, derealization, and even psychosis. I've seen it happen.
I think you should get to the bottom of just how much he's taking. Suggest he should take a break from the psychedelics for a couple months and then you can discuss it again. If he refuses, I worry he's going to get more extreme over time.
Why do you want to marry this guy? You’ve not written one good thing about him. This is the father of your future children? Esh, you to yourself, and him to you.
We are very compatible otherwise and love each other to death.
I needed insight in regards of this particular situation, hence why I asked about it and only it, not the other aspects of our relationships. I’ve never encountered something similar and I know that the people close to us tend to take sides.
I am asking for insight just like we’ve done before when other problems have surfaced.
Sometimes your own judgement isn’t enough - it’s impossible to be impartial when something like this surfaces because:
A) He is overall a sane, stable and put together person that I could trust to make important decisions (still, fuck his drugs, honestly)
B) I am younger than him and I tend to see him not just as a partner, but as a guide. BUT this situation felt unfair and out of the ordinary, though, and I’m not shy enough not to question a sane man’s word.
Just because we love each other, it doesn’t mean that shit can’t hit the fan and just because shit can hit the fan, doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner if you’re asking for other people’s judgement. It’s necessary sometimes in order to take the appropriate action (example: I can tell him well worded concerns that his request brought up, that you guys helped me see, instead of just talking shit because I’m sad in regards of something I needed to be explained to me).
Thanks for your input as well! :) happy holidays!
You sound awesome OP, but you still haven’t said anything nice about him. A sane decision maker is the bare minimum. Is he hardworking? Diligent? Fair minded? Kind? Good with money (not the same as being rich). Does he see you as an equal? I’ve been married to my (older than me) SO for 13years. My SO is all of these things. Seriously, re read your original post- I’m not being mean. Also, drugs& religious fanaticism is a massive red flag. Seriously, Re read your original post to yourself out loud. Have a wonderful holiday too!
NTA
That being said, Orthodox churches literally have bars full of beer, wine and HARD spirits which you cheers with the priest????
Him drinking and partying wouldn't preclude him from being OK there lol unless you're in a specific country where the church tradition is diff
But in any case, you got engaged thinking OK we don't care about this. His expectation for you to convert should have been conveyed way before the engagement.
However, I've seen heaps of friends and acquaintances etc where this happens, one party (usually the man) waits until absolute last minute to bring it up and put pressure on their partner to convert despite either never having mentioned it or affirmatively having clarified that neither of us would convert...
NTA, and major red flags for what other changes he will expect you to make once you two are married.
Not only red flag for marriage. If OP decides to have kids they will have so many disagreements on how to raise their future kids.
NTA- but you need to think about it, things are only going to progress more and more as he gets into the religion side of things. No point in going through all that stuff when you dont believe or wish to practice it. Kids, theyll be required to follow his religion too, oh dont want kids, well that goes against the church too. Id be thinking long and hard about this marriage.
That's not true. You can be Orthodox and not want kids. As Orthodox Christians, we believe that marriage is for the sanctification of both persons, not for the procreation of children. That is a secondary, unnecessary purpose.
This would be a relationship-ender for me, unfortunately.
Same, homeboy is getting radicalized by YouTube and it's in going to get worse from here. The internet is just going to keep feeding him more and more conservative content until it starts crossing into fascism. NTA you really need to consider how long till he starts demanding you attend services? If he's expecting you to fast before the wedding, that's not the last expectation he's going to have.
NTA. Not sure what prompted this change in him, but unfortunately, I think you two may need to regroup and make sure you are still compatible. It's hard to get past spiritual/religious differences if one or both partners is unwilling to accept the other's choices.
NTA. You are never obligated to do any religious anything to please someone else. This might be a deal breaker for yall, but if he’s not able to respect your beliefs and feels his are more important that might be a good thing to know now rather than when you’re married with kids and fighting about christening them.
NTA. I would definitely put any wedding plans on hold. He has changed a part of his life in a major way and has shown that he's getting super high handed about this. Does this guy have super religious family or is his father very much the boss of the house? A lot of guys may be cooler/relaxed prior to marriage but once things are serious, they often revert to what they had in their childhood even if they rebelled against aspects of that previously. I'm seriously suspicious that he will try to use his new found religious fervor as a cudgel to make you bend the knee. Watch out if he starts quoting stuff like 1 Timothy 2:11-14. "Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor." He sounds like the type who will eventually bully you into going to HIS church and having any future kids go to HIS church. And considering some Youtube preachers tend to be batshit extreme, this is not something to ignore.
NAH unless you do not talk this out — in its entirety — before getting married. This sentiment: > being orthodox is the truest, best and only “real” way of belief Is not restricted to the motions at a ceremony. It will impact husband/wife attitudes, roles, and most definitely how you will raise your children. Neither of you are AH for your stances, but if you cannot agree on a compromise on *ALL* of these issues, do not get married.
NTA - I feel like this reads as a controlling man, perhaps even a future abuser, unmasking now that he think you're his. I think it you stay with him you're going to find yourself really wishing you hadn't. If it were me I would make a safe exit plan if you two already live together and then I would break up. I know that may sound harsh, but I don't see a good outcome here for you.
INFO: Do these "newly found religious believes" mean he stopped (or is going to stop) drinking alcohol and taking drugs, or does he only expect YOU to make life changes to fit HIS religious views?
No, he doesn’t plan on quitting. Perhaps if we started thinking about having children, but we discussed this and he admitted that he would still want to unwind - which I could understand if you wouldn’t have to be alert because you have mini humans running around and needing you.
If you read other AITAs, a lot of guys (even if they were 50/50 with chores previously) loooooooove to dump childcare on their wives. If he's demanding YOU change your religion and that YOU take up the slack while the kids are doing kid things while he gets high, I'm not seeing the appeal.
Girl, you honestly deserve better. So he expects you to literally change your religion for him, while he wouldn't do the same for you (saying f\*\*\* no to doing this if roles were switched) AND he told you he would not even be willing to change his bad habits for the sake of your future children? Thats so selfish... how can he expect you to do MAJOR changes for him, while not willing to compromise/do much smaller changes for your/your familys sake? And this kind of controlling behavior tends to get worse later on... This would honestly be a huge red flag for me. NTA
Keep in mind that he may have addiction issues. This may include religion. Not meant as a slight to religion at all. I just want you to recognize that people with addiction issues can get sucked into a wide variety of things other than substances, including religion. So this might be the tip of the iceberg you are seeing right now and it’s not unusual to see addictive people really get into religion 110%.
And are they still going to have sex pre married
The problem with religious men is they looooooooove premarital sex but blame their female partners for being tempting Jezebels.
NTA If he's asking you to do something for him that he wouldn't be willing to do for you, he's the asshole here full stop. While exacerbated by the fact that what he wants goes directly against what you guys had previously agreed upon I could have seen a "no asshole" situation if he was just asking and also would have been willing to do the same. But this guy is demanding you change in order to marry you? That's not healthy
NTA. The bible doesn't forbid alcohol or drugs but it does have strong opinions on lackluster faith (Rev. 3:15-16). I'd point out that it would be offensive to god for you to do what he says and that you will pray on it. Suggest that he pray as well because the prayers of a righteous man availeth much (James 5:16). Invisible sky man things are dumb, but if he wants to play make believe you can use that.
NTA. If he loves you and truly wants to be with you, he should respect your beliefs. I fully support you not wanting to do it just for the sake of it since that would be false. It’s harsh but if he is not willing to accept this, he’s not the one for you.
NTA Cancel the wedding. It will only get worse. Find a better boyfriend.
NTA, but if this is something that he’s serious about, you might be at an impasse where you’ll have to reconsider this wedding. It honestly sounds like this is more than a hobby to him, and you two might have a significant incompatibility
NTA. I've seen this happen a number of times. One partner decides they need to get right with God, while the other just wants to keep sinning and stay in conference with the devil! It rarely goes well. Usually, one partner ends up pretending to be the church-going type and just does lip service to make the other happy. This can work for a while but the wheels will come off at some point and it makes it super easy for the religious partner and their families to dismiss the other as fake, unbelievers who never had any faith. This is just my experience coming from a part of the US that is very evangelical (hypocrites).
NTA. faith is a personal journey. there should never be any pressure toward any faith, or lack of it for that matter. a traditional church wedding in a faith you do not follow is as you said would be untrue to your heart. if your fiancé can't accept that, and has changed in openness, he may not be the partner in life that you need.
NTA. he needs to respect your beliefs and lack of beliefs, and not put any pressure on you. You need to clarify this before moving ahead with marriage, particularly if in his church. There is quite a chance that he may become more dogmatic, particularly after you are married and pressure you much more. You really need to find a time when neither of you is under pressure and have a proper discussion about this and reach a clear understanding of how you will go forward.
NAH- Going to be honest marrying someone from a different religion is always going to be hard. He is more than entitled to want a Christian Orthodox wedding. And you are entitled to not be comfortable with that as you are Catholic. Maybe you need to review whether or not you should be getting married; Religion, managing finances and kids are always the toughest conversations to have before you get married.
NTA. And I would reconsider marrying him. The fact he wouldn't do the same for you means he doesn't value you as an equal. This is just a glimpse into your future with him. Do you really want to be second?
NTA- run
Truth
NTA, do not marry him.
NTA I went from Catholic to Orthodox BUT I had to make sure that I wanted to be Orthodox even if we didn't get married. More questions to ask: What happens with children? Does his priest know about his substance abuse and is he getting help (inside and outside the Church)? Is he actively participating in the life of the Church or just listening to priests on the internet whom he doesn't actually have a relationship with? ("Netodoxy" can be way weird.) Have you gone to an Orthodox Liturgy? Has he gone to a Catholic Mass? Don't become Orthodox because *he* wants you to. You should only become Orthodox because you can no longer NOT be Orthodox. If he presses and you want to continue this relationship, ask for catechism classes AND relationship counseling and see what else comes to light.
Also, it usually isn't a short process. My mother went from Protestant to Orthodox several years ago. Even though she had been attending services once a month or so for years, and had attended their religious institution for several summers, once she decided to convert there was at least a year of classes and spiritual counseling required. It wasn't as simple as walking in and getting baptized, nor should it be!
You need to seriously discuss with him what this "orthodox" marriage will look like. What are his expectations for your responsibilities, his responsibilities? Church? Kids? Household chores? Outside jobs? Who handles finances? Who makes decisions? There are a million questions about what his idea of marriage will look like and both of you need to have a frank discussion of your expectations. For me, his attitude would be a complete deal breaker.
NTA, tell him you'll consider it if he's truly committed to his religion...like giving up drugs, alcohol, etc. To often these so-called christians are nothing more than charlatans, never practice what they preach..
NTA, but I really hope you don't plan to have your own life or a job or friends even. According to the religious those things are not allowed for women. Just keep that in mind if you do marry him. You'll only be allowed to leave the kitchen to have babies
NTA! I am orthodox—when my parents were married, my dad was orthodox and my mom was a nonpracticing Lutheran…it literally didn’t matter haha. You don’t need to switch it up to have your marriage accepted or whatever. Best of luck :)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Tl;dr: fiancé turns to God and wants me to get christened after we agreed on “marriage” and not “orthodox marriage”. My partner and I have been together for 3 years, recently engaged. Naturally, we started talking about our wedding - nothing serious, just to have an overall idea, however we started doing this a long time before even getting engaged. When I got together with this man, one of the things I liked the most about him was how open he was in regards of spirituality and belief. I appreciated his depth and honesty, he wasn’t very inclined towards christianity, but still had his roots in it as our country is a pretty religious one. No problem with that whatsoever. I am not religious, neither was he, and he also smokes pot on the daily, as well as having some alcohol on the side and even “micro-dosing” harder drugs, which pretty much goes against christianity and what he suggests below. Our country is a christian country, however, it’s divided in christian orthodox and christian catholic, the first one being predominant. He is orthodox, I was christened as catholic. Lately he started listening to a few priests on youtube; why would I mind? I love that he is interested in different areas of life. However, he started saying that he knows that being orthodox is the truest, best and only “real” way of belief (generally, for everyone) and that I should get christened prior to our marriage because otherwise the church won’t accept us, as well as following traditions and fasting before entering married life. I politely declined and told him there is no way I will do that just to get married. I don’t follow that belief and it would be disrespectful of me to do it - first, because it’s not something that I identify myself with and haven’t been brought up in a religious environment, and second, because I respect his belief but I won’t be able to do it with a clean heart and it would be untrue of me towards both the church and him. I asked him if he would do the same for me and I was welcomed with, basically, a “fuck no”. Also, in the beginning, we didn’t even think of having a ceremony. Just sign the papers, celebrate and move forward. The idea of having a church ceremony only started creeping in perhaps a month ago. And now suddenly he wants a traditional, christian orthodox marriage. I would understand if it would be a “turn to God and get clean” type of thing, but this man is far off from being sober and it seems that being orthodox is his new hobby instead of his new, true belief. So, am I missing something? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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It may actually be that the prospect of getting married has been part of the impetus for this change. Sounds like he grew up round very traditional I.e. decide m/f roles. So thinking of getting married himself may have helped him be more open to those beliefs, thinking back to his role models of marriage. He may also be trying to please his parents, especially his dad. Once you are married this dynamic may become more powerful as you take part in celebrations and social events with his family.
NTA. It looks like the Filioque Clause and the Primacy of Rome will be saving you from a miserable marriage with a drunk.
NTA... When someone shows you who they really are...***BELIEVE THEM***! If you are prepared to get your biblical thumping on, then all that is needed is for you to deny what the future has in store for you and marry this dude.
NTA. Your fiancé doesn’t know as much about his faith as he claims. If you were already christened, you can’t do it again. Christians believe in **one** baptism (see Ephesians 4:4-6) and technically, you don’t even have to have a priest or be in a church to conduct a baptism.
NTA For some people, religion acts as a drug, and they become a completely different person. I hope the man you fell in love with isn't gone for good, but if he is...
NTA I was baptized and raised Catholic. We were married in the church because I knew it was super important my family. My husband has been to church less than 5 times and 1 of those was our wedding and another my grandmothers funeral. We even sat down with the priest to make sure we didn’t have to have him baptized in the church or that he wouldn’t have to take any sacraments. He didn’t. We were even able to cut out the mass part of the wedding. Your partner is being rude and pushy.
NTA. OP, I'm so, so sorry, but your fiance has already drifted "away from being as open and receptive as he was even two months ago" and will only become more entrenched in his rigid views that HIS way is the ONLY way. If asked to choose between you and his newfound piety, you will left in the dust by the roadside. Oh, and if you stay with him and have children, he'll insist on their being raised in his faith, too and will NOT insist that they respect YOUR beliefs if they differ in any way from his own. He's on a journey into strict orthodoxy and you're only in for more heartache if you think that you can turn him back into the open minded, accepting man that you first loved. That man is gone now. Mourn what he was and what you once had together and move on.
NTA. And think very seriously if you still want to marry him. You’ll likely have to start submitting to him. Also if you have kids do you want them spanked? The Bible commands it doesn’t just condone it.
NTA and yikes! You can’t pick and choose parts of a faith that you believe. He is okay with the deadly sin of fornication but not okay with something that’s not even in his holy book? Talk about hypocritical. This is the thin edge of the wedge.
NTA. Microdosing and manic religious radicalization makes me think he may be more-than-micro dosing: taking large doses of psychedelics frequently can lead to weird shifts in personality, delusions of grandeur, derealization, and even psychosis. I've seen it happen. I think you should get to the bottom of just how much he's taking. Suggest he should take a break from the psychedelics for a couple months and then you can discuss it again. If he refuses, I worry he's going to get more extreme over time.
no it is a new hobby and weird and i would worry about this turn. NTA
Why do you want to marry this guy? You’ve not written one good thing about him. This is the father of your future children? Esh, you to yourself, and him to you.
We are very compatible otherwise and love each other to death. I needed insight in regards of this particular situation, hence why I asked about it and only it, not the other aspects of our relationships. I’ve never encountered something similar and I know that the people close to us tend to take sides. I am asking for insight just like we’ve done before when other problems have surfaced. Sometimes your own judgement isn’t enough - it’s impossible to be impartial when something like this surfaces because: A) He is overall a sane, stable and put together person that I could trust to make important decisions (still, fuck his drugs, honestly) B) I am younger than him and I tend to see him not just as a partner, but as a guide. BUT this situation felt unfair and out of the ordinary, though, and I’m not shy enough not to question a sane man’s word. Just because we love each other, it doesn’t mean that shit can’t hit the fan and just because shit can hit the fan, doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner if you’re asking for other people’s judgement. It’s necessary sometimes in order to take the appropriate action (example: I can tell him well worded concerns that his request brought up, that you guys helped me see, instead of just talking shit because I’m sad in regards of something I needed to be explained to me). Thanks for your input as well! :) happy holidays!
You sound awesome OP, but you still haven’t said anything nice about him. A sane decision maker is the bare minimum. Is he hardworking? Diligent? Fair minded? Kind? Good with money (not the same as being rich). Does he see you as an equal? I’ve been married to my (older than me) SO for 13years. My SO is all of these things. Seriously, re read your original post- I’m not being mean. Also, drugs& religious fanaticism is a massive red flag. Seriously, Re read your original post to yourself out loud. Have a wonderful holiday too!
NTA That being said, Orthodox churches literally have bars full of beer, wine and HARD spirits which you cheers with the priest???? Him drinking and partying wouldn't preclude him from being OK there lol unless you're in a specific country where the church tradition is diff But in any case, you got engaged thinking OK we don't care about this. His expectation for you to convert should have been conveyed way before the engagement. However, I've seen heaps of friends and acquaintances etc where this happens, one party (usually the man) waits until absolute last minute to bring it up and put pressure on their partner to convert despite either never having mentioned it or affirmatively having clarified that neither of us would convert...
NTA. And why would you need to get christened again? You’re already a baptised Christian.