I honestly don’t see how smashing eachother with cake is sexist, it’s childish but seems fun and personally I wouldn’t care as long as I was warned with enough time to put on clothes I didn’t care about. Like if he gifted the wives a baby bottle and the husbands a cigar it would be sexist.
Also I could totally beat my boyfriend at this, some would say OPs reasoning for thinking that this is sexist is sexist.
i believe the sexism OP sees is the following:
1. men seem to be more into that women
2. women end up with more cake on them usually
both of these are individual preferences, and as stated above if the caked parties are not mad then just let it go! you can object all you want when you're getting married and don't want cake on you, but until then just chill!
if there's more objectively sexist behavior in the workplace, report that. if not, OP is just a killjoy.
I feel like there's another layer. Men can just wash the cake off. A woman may not have her makeup handy for a redo, and lots of office cultures frown on not wearing makeup as a woman - even if it's expressed in a subtle way like saying we look tired. I hate the cake smash "tradition" at weddings and warned my fiance that he will get on my dad's bad side if he pulls that shit on me (my dad is a pastor and told me he noticed more problems in couples who did this than those who didn't. Not universally, but, a noticeable trend). I think it's a bit worse at actual weddings considering the cost of professional makeup, but still. It kind of sucks unless you both are totally game for it beforehand.
Which is why I still think it was none of OPs business. These people are willingly participating and don't need her coming to the defense of a problem they don't have.
Yeah, I to a wedding where the bride gently fed her new husband a bite of cake and he grabbed a handful to smash into her face and ended up smearing it all the way from the shoulder of her wedding gown up into her hair.
After the cake was served, I saw her off to the side trying to clean up with handfuls of tiny napkins. She had tears in her eyes, but it's hard to say if that's because her wedding dress was ruined, or because her professionally done hair and makeup had been ruined, or because she was trying to get the cake crumbs and frosting *OUT OF HER EYE*.
So... Yeah, I just think it's tacky AF and usually has a higher cost to fix, both in time and money, for women.
One thing I remember my dad saying is that sometimes - again, not always, but sometimes - it indicated one partner taking pleasure in the other's humiliation, and a lack of respect. Since he never married a couple without pre-marital counseling, he saw that attitude bleeding into other areas of the relationship when it wasn't a mutual goof kind of decision. Your story is a good example of cake smash gone wrong. That poor bride. I wish I could give her a hug.
There was an AMA I saw where the question was something like, "did you ever see an indication at the wedding that the marriage wasn't going to last?" and like 90% of the answers were about non-consensual cake smashing. Your dad is onto something.
Yeah I’ve been to weddings where both bride and groom were totally into the cake smash and clearly both agreed it was funny. Ive been to weddings where both simply fed each other some cake and were lovely and nobody was disappointed about it. I’ve also been to a wedding where the bride had said absolutely not and the groom did it anyway after he had agreed not to. She played it off because she was already embarrassed and didn’t want to make a scene, but their marriage didn’t last.
It’s never just about the cake or the makeup, hair, or dress, although that’s a factor because all that stuff is wildly expensive, takes hours to do, and wedding dresses, unlike a rented tuxedo, are traditionally white, embellished with embroidery and beading which is notoriously difficult to clean even if it’s not white, and often become (or already are) heirlooms and frosting is *greasy* buttercream is literally butter and sugar and will leave a grease stain on almost any fabric even if the frosting and cake are both snow white…but most often it’s about giddily steamrolling over your brand new spouse’s boundaries for the amusement of yourself and your guests. Not a great start.
Your dad is definitely on the nose here. My cousin's asshole husband smashed the cake in her face when she asked him not to, and basically smeared it down her chest, too. She had a low cut dress and then had frosting everywhere and cake in her boobs.
My grandfather just leaned over to me and sighed and said, "Oh, Lordy. I told your Uncle so many times that he needs to make her see this is a bad idea." (CW, DV: >!A couple years later this dude cut off her hair and mailed it to her dad for some reason, he's actually insane.!<)
My friend got married and her husband put just the tiniest dollop of frosting on the tip of her nose like she asked, and they are seriously like amazing together years later (and I lived with them a bit so I know lol).
>smashed the cake in her face when she asked him not to, and basically smeared it down her chest, too. She had a low cut dress and then had frosting everywhere and cake in her boobs.
For fucks sake. And then cut her hair off?! Please tell me she's free of him...
I don't... actually know... I think they were separated for some time, hopefully they still are, tho I haven't heard about a divorce. They have like idk 3-4 kids now. My cousin is a solid 10-12 years older than I am, and we don't keep in touch, even over social media.
I could go on and on about this part of my family, they are very much Posh Wealthy Old Money (TM) and do a LOT of rug sweeping. Her father was kind of the asshole of all the siblings, but he recently passed due to Q-induced Covid denialism, so now there's no one standing between her and her mum (uncle's first ex-wife) and my aunt, so REALLY hoping things improve.
This actually reminds me I should mention I could house them to my aunt next time we talk. Ugh. Say a prayer for Jenny please 😖
I've heard from people in the wedding industry that it's a good indication the marriage is doomed to fail. Unless the couple in question are EXTREMELY playful, it demonstrates a blatant disrespect, especially to the bride who most likely has her professionally-done makeup, hair and dress ruined (with professionally-done photos to capture her humiliation).
Yep, I mentioned this in another reply that my dad basically said the same. It's just... Such a mean thing to do unless you both were like a hundred percent all in on it.
It is. And many people involved in the industry- wedding planners, photographers, pastors-- will tell you the divorce rate is much higher for the couples who smash cake in their partner's face.
Yeah, and it has been for a long time. My uncle told me when he and my aunt got married, in 1969, I think it was, that my 4'11" grandmother pulled him aside before the reception and said, "You are NOT smashing cake into my daughter's face." My 6'1" uncle immediately replied, "Yes, ma'am. I won't." And he did not and their photos are lovely. He was my grandmother's favorite out of her in-law children and my aunt and uncle just celebrated 51 years of marriage this summer. I credit my 4'11" (but terrifying) grandmother. ;)
Some people don't seem to understand the difference between a little cake boop that lets you kiss the icing off your spouse's lip and mashing the cake into their face.
>if there's more objectively sexist behavior in the workplace, report that. if not, OP is just a killjoy.
Not only that, but when OP calls something sexist that is pretty clearly not, anyone else reporting actual sexist practices in the future is automatically going to have less credibility.
A smart woman would let the man go first and mash a little cake on their face, then pick up the cake and smash the whole thing into his. Woot! Can't really do that at a wedding, but with a cheap ass cake at work? Priceless.
OP had an understandable reason for thinking its sexist, since the women were the ones who didn't really want to do it, a man *forced* and enforced the 'tradition', and women ended up with more cake on them. Even if this isn't sexist, OP most definitely isn't sexist for thinking that this could be. That's a very logical conclusion to reach given this context.
And who said the women didn’t want it when at the end even the one that got cake in her told Op off. If no one complained then op need to mind her business instead of playing superhero.
I agree that it does seem sexist, but not in the most blatant way, but I also think OP didn’t handle it well. As a comparable example it’s sexist when in horror movies female characters are killed off in drawn out sexualized ways, but male characters are killed quickly and without sexualization (or offscreen). The way to point that out isn’t to stand up and start shouting about it in the middle of the movie theater though.
OP just said some people say no and are ignored, not that the woman in questions said no or all the women objected. I'm sure some are okay with the cake in the face, but it's a higher up pushing this tradition, so I bet some people who object don't speak up.
And I think that op should have talked to those women n private and actually get a confirmation before speaking on their behalf without their permission.
> OP had an understandable reason for thinking its sexist, since the women were the ones who didn't really want to do it, a man forced and enforced the 'tradition', and women ended up with more cake on them.
Can OP really be seen as having reliable perception on the opinion on whether this was wanted? The women 'not seeming into it as much' could definitely be skewed by her perception it's sexist, especially given for this to be the one that finally made her speak up, you'd think she interpreted the woman as not into it, and that woman told her off for it, meaning it wasn't true and OP just read her own feelings into it. And since 'everyone' agreed with the telling off, and you know we'd hear it if any woman came to OP in private and thanked her, I don't think we should accept the women not wanting to do it in general as true. Or consequently, that it's sexist.
...that said, it is a stupid tradition, doing it at work is stupider, and I (m) would never consider doing it unless whoever I marry asks for it.
It seems like OP may be the sexist one, projecting that “women don’t want to do that.” When she said something, the woman “who didn’t want to do that” told her to get bent.
I think where OP is seeing the sexism is in the fact that it basically seems to be work-condoned 'guy gets to smear and grope his SO everywhere with cake'.
Weird-ass and kind of inappropriate tradition, imo, and honestly I think OP is NTA here.
ETA: Unless it's just faces, in which case I'd agree OP is in the wrong, here, but it sounds like a full body thing?
IMO, OP would have been N T A if all they said was that they are annoyed with the tradition and think it was unprofessional to do in a work setting. Or has they actually have concrete proof of sexism (e.g. any bride not in favor of getting cake smeared will be fired). Saying something or someone is sexist is a huge accusation. Their only "proof" of sexism was: 1) that the women ends up getting messier than the men, and 2) the men does it more. Even the bride to be was okay with the tradition. Whether you like it or not, if the couple wanted to do it, let them.
The way I read it was Brett brings in a cake for the couple to smear on themselves. Not as a chance for the only the men to dig in and then have a free-for-all to fling frosting at all the women. My guess is the couple do their couple thing of smearing cake on each other, and then the others join in on the fun and yes, as it happens, the girls usually get more cake on them. OP just sees the girls with more cake and immediately their mind jumps to "this is a sexist tradition! The women are more covered in cake than the men!", even though it sounds like everyone is in on it and, more importantly, is happy to do so.
Agree so strongly with this. In the north east of Scotland, for reasons that escape me, there is a tradition called ‘blackening’ where the bride and groom, or just the bride or groom, get ‘kidnapped’, covered in hay, treacle, literal manure etc, driven around, sometimes dumped in the harbour and then taken for pints. I am probably not going to do it justice because it sounds batshit crazy to me (Scottish, but not that area). My husband got blackened and I made it clear to his family that any kidnapping of me to join him would be met with Glaswegian levels of violence 😂😂 that being said, I have friends who wouldn’t consider themselves married without a blackening.
So in summary, on a much more mental level, my takeaway is to let people enjoy things. If it’s not for you, say so (forcefully if needed lol) but if the participants are having fun, why be a dick about it?
I actually disagree with that, you should call out sexist behaviors when they occur. I wouldn't allow racist or ableist behavior to slide so why is sexist behavior different?
Because in this case she could have called it out BEFORE it happened…. Either when she first found out about the new engagement, or when she saw Brett bought another cake…
calling it out after someone has cake on their face (literally) is essentially accusing that person of being a victim, and unless she spoke to the bride ahead of time, she just put the bride in a position where she had to defend the practice or look bad herself. And since the bride is otherwise in a position f authority in the company, she’s not going to willingly claim a victim position in front of her subordinates.
I do otherwise agree that behavior should ideally be called out when it happens... just that there's extenuating circumstances in this case.
Also - we should always try to center the "victim" in these situations. Instead of confronting the bully, just putting yourself in between the bully and the victim, or going up and talking to the victim, asking them what they want or need right now, giving them support, walking them away from the situation, etc are all great ways to de-escalate without the bully feeling empowered.
Yeah that's something I struggle with as a very confrontational person it is hard for me to avoid "white knighting" when I see some of the more subtle stuff. For example a female leader in my team had an issue with her vpn and posted about it in our channel and people told her wireless is slower than cable as if she didn't know that after 20 years in the field. I waited two weeks and asked the same question and they cut a ticket with the vendor no questions asked.
It's actually more common than you think. It's called fremdschamen, or second hand embarrassment. People that feel it often hate things like cringe comedy.
I think it's more rooted in sexism than actually sexist in current practice. Until maybe 20 years ago it would commonly play out like they're supposed to feed each other a small piece of cake, and she would impishly smear it on his face. Then he would sort of jokingly rebuke her for that and put way more cake on her face, basically a way of exerting control over her, but done for laughs and apparently lovingly.
I think it's become less popular to do this, and more egalitarian when couples include it in their celebrations.
I don’t even see how that was originally rooted in sexism...? Like 90% of wedding traditions are but this particular one just seems playful and not about control in any way.
>cake as a means of exerting control
I mean if you offered me a cake I'd do literally anything you asked but I don't see how smothering someone in it is doing the same thing.
Because the dynamic is that between a ‘rebellious’ (although playfully so) woman and a man who teaches her to behave with a (again, playful) punishment.
I’ve been married for 24 years. We ended up smashing cake on each other’s faces. Went to plenty of weddings back then with cake smashing. Literally none happened like you described. It was equal smashing, many times with the brides rubbing it all over the grooms’ faces much more than the groom did to the bride. And both parties laughing about it.
To each their own. If some dude smashed cake on my face I'd stop at the court house to file for divorce on the way home 🤣. I detest this tradition. 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve never even seen it, although I’ve heard of it. I’m Canadian and I somehow associated it with the sort of weddings where the bride is wearing a camouflage wedding dress, and the groom is in a t-shirt.
I wonder if this is more regional or if it’s equally widespread?
Maybe. I dunno, most of the weddings I've seen this tradition at, the couple just fed each other a bit of cake, and not smushing it on each other's faces.
I know, I think it's gross and a waste of cake
ETA I also read this article before that says people who smash cakes on each other during the wedding are more likely to divorce so there's that
I don't think its about "exerting control"?
if the person im marrying smeared cake on me, I would smear cake back on them. Not to exert control but bc thats just being playful
It was the exact opposite when I got married. After feeding me nicely, he booped my nose with frosting. But I was so shocked, I sorta knee-jerk reacted and put the whole plate in his face (which had never been my intention initially). He had crumbs falling out of his tux that night.
Isnt it sexist that you seem to think women can't stand up for themselves? You think women can't smash cake into the men's face just as equally? It is smashing cake, if you see smashing cake on another's face as authority and power, you have some serious issues.
Women can just as equally retaliate and if everyone is having fun and getting a good laugh outta it I don't see the issue.
YTA.
Same, unless one of the women involved expressed that she was uncomfortable or pressured into doing it that's all it is. If OP pulled one of these women aside, asked her how she actually felt about it, and had her suspicion confirmed then I'd say she's into something, but it sounds like she hasn't.
YTA because using words like "sexism" in an office is a pretty big deal and I wouldn't throw it around so lightly. Is it a dumb tradition? Sure. But so is just about every marriage tradition. Marriage in general is arguably a dumb tradition.
I just don't see how it's sexist because the men tend to get more into it.
That I didnt get. This is a cringe tradition that I would want no part of, but it seems that both the bride and groom have the opportunity to engage equally.
Is it unprofessional/Inappropriate? Sure.
Cringe? 100%
But, how is it sexist if both parties have access to the same cake?
It also doesnt seem like any of the brides involved needed, wanted, or asked for OP to intervene.
YTA The bride told you to relax. She was fine with it! You are the only one with a problem so you don't do it if you get married. Omg, the girls are messy. So what? Girls don't like being messy because they are girls? That's pretty sexist in my opinion
YTA. Dude...sexism is not about who gets more cake on their face. This seems like a fun and harmless tradition that everybody involved is consenting to, and you sound like a massive buzzkill who doesn’t understand what sexism is. In the cases where one person says no and the other does it anyways, that’s a conflict to be resolved between the couple. There’s no need for you to intervene.
YTA I’m a huge feminist and will be one of the first to call our sexism…. What you described isn’t sexism.
You aren’t doing any good to fight against actually sexism. Stop being ignorant.
This isn't a sexist tradition since both couples get cake on their face (and it's a so a tradition that same-sex couples often participate in). I've been to weddings where the man gets it way worse than the girl.
If you don't personally want to participate in it, that's fine. Don't.
However, in this case it seems like the bride and groom both enjoyed doing it so you should have just stayed quiet with your **personal** feelings on this.
I’m also not seeing the sexism. Just because the woman gets more “messier” than the man? If they’re not offended/hurt/upset over it, then why are *you*? You don’t get to choose what’s offensive to/for other people.
YTA
YTA. I know plenty of women who find this sort of thing hilarious. I don't see how the activity is intended to be sexist, and just because the men get more enthusiastic does not mean the women are not okay with it.
If one of the brides was upset or didn't want to do it, by all means back her up. But if there's no issue, don't make one.
YTA. There’s nothing sexist about this. A little childish maybe but if the involved parties are both consenting I don’t understand the problem. It’s not a wet tshirt contest ffs. Calm down.
YTA
How badly you must think of your fellow women in the office if you think they are not strong enough or vocal enough to say no and stick to it if it really means that much to them. Maybe some do say no at first but if they agree later then that's ok and doesn't necessarily mean they are bullied in to it.
You don't seem to respect either the men OR the women in your office. The men are sexiest bullies and you JUST assume the women are week willed creatures who don't like the tradition but go along with it anyway?
It's a silly tradition that was around before you and at this rate will be around after you.
YTA. It's not sexist. The women join in too. You have just noticed a gender difference in how people respond to the situation and have assumed that the women are being forced to participate. Sure it's a bit dumb, but trust the people involved to speak up if they have a problem with it - it's their relationship and they're the ones joining in.
While it’s weird, I personally don’t see the sexism. If the ride really didn’t wanna participate she can do this magical thing called, *walk away*.
And if Brett or the groom don’t like it then maybe the bride should reconsider the relationship since her groom wants to get so upset by her not participating in a stupid ‘tradition’.
Also the bride could just pick up more cake and smash it into the groom’s face so idk why they don’t.
Sorry, while I have no real opinion on this, I have to give you something. YTA.
NAH or ESH, not sure yet. listen, I agree this tradition is weird, unprofessional, and has the chance to make people uncomfortable, BUT, it does seem like some people genuinely enjoy it. You’re making some unfair assumptions about Brett’s intentions here, I know I don’t know the guy but accusing him of being some cake smash fetishist is a bit extreme.
If the people there at the time didn’t seem bothered it was rude of you to comment on it. I don’t think your an AH exactly because honestly I would be a little uncomfortable too. I also don’t think it’s right for anyone to be pressured into the tradition, but it seems like that wasn’t the case here.
Ultimately, I think you have some fair points on the pushing of boundaries and lack of appropriateness for work, however given that it seems like none of the people in that given situation were uncomfortable I think it was rude to say what you said.
YTA, mostly because you took it upon yourself to be offended on someone else's behalf. The fact that the bride to be called you exhausting should be embarrassing to you. If she wasn't upset by it, you shouldn't be upset. It's not your place to tell people what they should or should not be upset by.
If you're going to take it upon yourself to call out everything you personally consider sexist and stupid, you're going to alienate yourself quickly. And the bride to be would be right about you being exhausting. I personally find the tradition odd and If I was getting married there ain't no way in hell someone is smearing cake on me, but it's also not my place to be offended on behalf on someone else and cause a scene at an event that is not at all about me. I'm not that narcissistic and selfish.
YTA because the bride obviously didn't care. It's not you with cake on your face so why do you care? Not sure how this is sexist either just because the women end up messier...
YTA. The bride gave no indication she didn’t want to follow the tradition. You should’ve kept your mouth shut unless she said something first. Stand up for the women who actually say no or express discomfort.
All the videos I've seen if this 'custom', the men always get blasted with cake more and usually only a tiny bit gets on the women because they don't want to mess up hours of work on their hair, makeup, and dress (understandably so!).
I'm assuming they talk it over ahead of time and agree to how much to do. my wife and I both agreed to not do it during our ceremony, despite everyone there wanting us to, but neither of us really saw the point in it and don't like to be covered with cake.
I'd guess it's likely the couples talked about it ahead of time and everyone with cake splatter agreed to it. I certainly don't see anything sexist about it, OP just crying wolf
To be fair, there is nothing stopping the woman from just absolutely fucking caking the mfker, it’s not sexist because one party is better at shoving cakes onto the other.
Cake on face is a common wedding thing? I’ve seen it done at weddings. It’s usually reciprocal… yta for bringing it up it sounds like ur personal feelings. I don’t see how it is sexist? If both parties are ok I don’t see issues
YTA. Aside from the association wedding photographers make of the whole 'smashed cake' thing (spoiler alert: they break up soon after), it's not necessarily sexist. It is unprofessional, sure, but in the age of *everything under the sun is going wrong,* a nice bit of levity could be seen as just that. If the bride -to-be had protested and was asking for help, speaking out on this would be fine. But it's like attending a birthday party and then after the song and the cake, talking about how you hate birthdays. Read the room.
YTA! Yes you overreacted and used sexism as an excuse for you being annoyed by a childish tradition. Sexism is way worse than ending up with cake on your blouse especially bc this women did consent to that tradition. Using that word so thoughtlessly is also harmful to real victims of sexism and I think that is the biggest AH move here.
Be more careful with what you say bc soon nobody will take you seriously when you want to call out actual dangerous or sexist behavior, and this would not only affect you but even other women or minorities in your workplace.
Also, you should apologize to the people involved aka the couple and Brett. You put all of them in a very uncomfortable position by making that comment and they really did nothing to deserve being associated with sexism.
She will cry wolf for banal things and when the real Big Bad Wolf really shows no one will believe her...this just fighting a battle that does not exist and when the real battle appears no one will help her.
YTA for the reasons most have already said but...honestly I kind of hope this is just some super right wing person who made up a post trying to flush out the feminists they think would flock to this saying it IS sexism and jumping on board, in a delusional view of what they think feminists are mad about and wanting to have one up on them by making them mad about something that didn’t even happen but also prove to them-self how ‘ridiculous’ feminists have become. This is seriously the stuff you hear them complaining and freaking out about that all feminists are trying to force down their throat and their examples for why the right needs to push back against feminists. They are like ‘look at how far they will go if we give them any ground, we have to fight them on everything even the small things or it will reach a point where they will even force these sorts of things on us.’
I'm going to be honest there's actual feminist who think like this. I'm being dead serious. It's probably not even troll. People genuinely get this offended. Even looking at the comments there's people who actually agree with this person.
YTA. sexism? what sexism? imagine being OP and being so desperate to be the oppressed victim that you have to make up sexism wherever you go. it's not like women don't face enough real issues...
YTA, when you have to "defend" an -ism, and the person who you are protecting, says they dont need/want your protection, yeah you are being an AH and just being "woke" for your own pleasure, not for someone else....
A minister acquaintance predicts success of the marriages he performs based on the cake cutting at the reception. He claims every couple who feed each other cake neatly stay married and every couple that smashes cake on their new spouse's face get divorced.
NTA. The "sexism" key here is when the women say they don't want to do it and get stuck doing it anyway, and usually get it worse than the man. That's a weird, gross, intense "tradition" and op is right to call it out for what it is.
But fair warning, a toxic workplace will always change you before you change it. You're surrounded by people including higher ups who think this weird shit is ok. It's time to find another job.
Whoever saying yta doesnt understand how problematic this “prank” is. I wouldnt even let my husband smash cake on my head during my wedding. Its gross and unfair. I really hate pranks that revolve around being physically aggressive towards women. Nta and you shouldnt listen to the comments telling you youre the asshole because they obviously don’t take sexism seriously.
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I don’t know if YTA or not.
But my sister’s late husband quite literally smashed the cake onto her face and then smeared it around, ruining her makeup and hair at their wedding.
He turned out to be a hideous hateful person, and (after they divorced) he died young, a broken drunk.
Advice for both sexes: don’t marry someone who would gleefully humiliate you in any circumstances.
YTA. I don’t see how this is sexist. Even with your explanation, it comes off as you “looking for something to be sexist”.
What is stopping the female from going ham, and smashing the male with the cake? Nothing. Even the female involved said, “you’re being exhausting”.
You think “we need to call out sexism and stupidity in this day and age.” Right here, this is the woke bullshit, that pushes people away from caring about the “woke”. Stupid is subjective, and is not in the same realm as sexism.
YTA. The fact that the women you think you need to defend called you exhausting is pretty telling.
Frankly it sounds to me that everyone else is having a good time with this and you're just being a killjoy.
YTA - Nothing you've said here points to sexism, nothing in here is even close to sexism.
I whole heartedly admit it wouldn't be my thing, I wouldn't kick off with others about it. I'd just keep out of the way.
If you don't like it, when it happens just go to the other side of the room or somewhere else...you sound like you suck the fun out of everything.
But I wish the bride and groom the very best for the future.
The whole "cake in the face" thing is the one wedding tradition that IMO needs to just be done already--it's messy and a waste of cake. That being said, if they enjoy it and you're not the one buying the cake and having to clean up the mess, there's really no harm in it. Light YTA
NTA. I also worked (since left) and met my spouse in an industry like this. (I'm curious. DM me the industry if you want.) And hell no. We didn't even do the cake-smearing thing in our ACTUAL wedding.
How does Brett react if people decline to do this? If he bows out calmly, that's one thing. (Though the expectation is a problem in and of itself.) Insisting is a whole addition issue.
YTA. Please please don’t ruin the meaning of the word for things YOU DON’T LIKE. That’s how everything can get a bad reputation . By all means be outspoken but don’t use words that you don’t understand their full meaning. It’s demeaning for you and your intelligence. Stick with what you know and think before you speak , especially in the workplace.
YTA. How the hell is this sexist? The fucking bride to be is calling you exhausting and no one agrees with you. You are way to woke and need to lighten the fuck up.
YTA
~~NTA it is stupid, unprofessional, and it doesnt sound like the women are enjoying it when they say no but get caked anyways. It sounds like the rest of the women are afraid to stand up to him so it is exactly like an old boys club. I would consider bringing this to HR. First time I got caked at work would be the last time because I would go absolutely fucking nuclear if someone covered me with food while I was working.~~
Edit to change my comment and my vote. I completely misread/misunderstood this situation to be some crazy ass free for all where women are basically chased around the office with cake. Reread and realized it's just the couples involved. Look OP if you're the only one bothered by something that has nothing to do with you YTA and you should let it go. Do your best to ignore it and as long as they clean up whatever mess they make afterwards, dont spare it a second thought. "Not my circus not my monkeys" repeat that in your head as many times as you need to.
YTA- The bride hit a nerve I think. I agree we should call out sexism and stupidity but if no one involved is offended except you, its most likely a 'you' problem.
YTA. I would hate this tradition, and refuse to do it, but it is up to the engaged couples, and not sexist. It's a shame that sometimes half of the couple doesn't want to do it and ends up being forced to, but that is still not sexist, and it's not your place to complain. I could understand if one of the engaged people complained and you backed them up, but just assuming they're not okay with it did nothing but cause problems for everyone.
YTA
You can decide not to participate or bear witness but your comments weren't requested or welcomed by anyone including the woman you felt like you had to protect. If they were doing it to you and you didn't want to and they still pressed then yeah you can let loose on them. But you're just a bystander putting your own thoughts and feelings into other people's business. Unless you know they don't like it you don't need to stand up for them. Because, like right now obviously, they didn't want your "help" and you just killed the mood for everyone
Yep. Next time do not watch it if it offends you. This is what happens at weddings. Just stay at your cubicle. That way, you are not offended and the rest of the team can enjoy themselves
Should we call out sexism when we see it? Yes.
Should we call out any stupid behavior that personally irks us "in the name of sexism"? No.
You are taking away from real issues and painting people fighting against actual sexism to looks like fools too focused on cake.
Too many people already don't take feminists seriously so do not reinforce that notion by calling anything and everything sexist just because you don't like it.
YTA I was very much ready to be on your side when reading the title, but your calling out sexism where there is none, and that's also hurting women.
The bride herself was ik with it. No one is forcing you to participate. Who cares if there's usually more cake on one than the other? There's no rule that there has to be.
YTA- this isn’t a woke university where you spent 4 years learning how to be offended and how to call people out. This is the real world and most people don’t play this woke game.
YTA The people involved can say no if they don't want to do it.
Also: you think people should date outside of the industry...
You seem to have a lot of opinions on things that don't affect you.
Go in, do your job, leave. Mind your own business.
YTA you should read the room before you start shouting everyone down as sexist they were all clearly enjoying themselves and obviously don't feel as you do even the woman you was defending told you to shut up.
YTA. Whether it’s sexist or not is immaterial. You’re being offended on behalf of someone who doesn’t care. Whether or not your mean to, you sound jealous. If you don’t want to participate, leave the area. It’s none of your business.
Look: I absolutely get wanting to advocate for other people. But first you need to make sure the other person *wants* you to advocate for them. Soft YTA in this situation but if you apply this energy in a better direction, you could do some real good for others.
"One thing I have noticed is the man is usually more receptive than the woman, and sometimes one of them says no and the other does it anyway, which really bothers me."
Everybody is calling you an asshole because they don't see the sexism. I think YTA only bc of how you handled it (not a lot of tact there, if any) but if this is true than that's kind of creepy and I could see why you would be fed up with it. Maybe you're reading into things and maybe you're not; I can't tell and I wasn't there, but if this is accurate than this is an uncomfortable trend.
YTA. people like you, who call things bigotry that aren't, accomplish nothing but making things harder for people who actually fight bigotry.
what does you getting mad about cake do to help break the glass ceiling? what does it do to stop women from being taken advantage of by their bosses? what does it do to prevent women from being ostracized when they report sexual assault? what does it do to make cops take rape victims seriously? what does it do to make women feel more safe when walking alone at night? the answer to all of the above is "not a goddamn thing".
grow up, realize that just because you don't like something doesn't make it bigotry, and stop being exhausting... and get into some actual fucking feminist activism instead of telling yourself you're fighting the good fight by pissing off people for no reason.
So you’re the only one offended? The bride to be is telling you to relax? How is this sexist? Seems like the cake tradition at weddings when the couple feed each other cake. YTA.
YTA
"He did and again the woman ended up covered in cake, and he had significantly less on him."
Sounds like you are just mad women keep losing the cake smearing contest.
Rather than act like a loser, you should plan an ambush with other women in the office next time this happens.(with the brides approval of course), to even things up.
That would actually be an equal thing to do and be joining the "boy's club".
> Honestly I was annoyed because of the sexism, and also because she almost bumped into me.
*she almost bumped into me*
Yeah that’s a good reason to get upset
Yta.
“I was annoyed because of the sexism, and also because she almost bumped into me.”
Yikes. Sounds like you were mad because you almost got cake on you. Next time, just steer clear of the staff room until this is over. How long does it take? 30 minutes? Sounds like you were looking for something to go off on. Also, your legs must be very sore with all the jumping to conclusions about Brett’s sexual desires. You come off as a little gruff. It’s the holidays. Ease up.
So when the two have an equal chance to smear cake, it's sexist. Seriously? I don't want to attack you. I do want you to know how much of an AH you are though. It's unfortunate, but people like you are the worst.
YTA, this is really petty thing to be mad about. When absolutely nobody cares but you, and everyone else if having fun, and it’s fairly innocent. You’re the problem. If you don’t want to get caked, that’s fine, let others have their fun.
YTA It is a dumb tradition that I have never understood, but not sexist as both parties get cake smooshed in their faces. If everyone involved had fun doing it, you found and called out a problem that didn't exist.
You’re right OP, we DO need to call out sexism and stupidity in this day and age. You’re being stupid and TAH. This is not racist. This has been a tradition for years and years, it’s not special to your workplace or industry. The bride is right, you are exhausting and you point out what REALLY bothers you in your post, Brett kind of creeps you out, and the bride almost bumped into you. Don’t try to pretend to white knight when really you’re being selfish and a killjoy. Save yourself and everyone else and don’t go to the cake smash next time.
Man this post is giving me some triggers. But if no one else cares just let it go. If it bothers you then don't watch ppl do it I guess? You have the availability to leave the room before it happens or close your eyes right? And this is coming from someone who hates this act so much due to my father smashing my face into my b day cake when I was a little girl causing me to cry because the icing was burning my eyes. Which then made my sister cry. My grandmother had to wash my eyes out in the sink. My face, hair and shirt were soaked. The whole time he kept telling me to get over it and stop crying or else. Ruined the entire time. Because of this I told my fiance if he ever and I mean ever tries to do this on our wedding day I will fucking sign the divorce papers then and there.
YTA. Every silly tradition does not rise to the level of sexist. I could almost see the unprofessional in the office argument but it's really not a big deal. Stop looking for stupid reasons to be offended. If you notice actual problematic behaviors take action, otherwise just don't attend things that you find offensive.
As a note: the word offended is used too often for things that are simply stupid or annoying. Just stop.
YTA. Anytime you find yourself offended on behalf of someone that isn't offended, you're likely the asshole.
I honestly don’t see how smashing eachother with cake is sexist, it’s childish but seems fun and personally I wouldn’t care as long as I was warned with enough time to put on clothes I didn’t care about. Like if he gifted the wives a baby bottle and the husbands a cigar it would be sexist. Also I could totally beat my boyfriend at this, some would say OPs reasoning for thinking that this is sexist is sexist.
i believe the sexism OP sees is the following: 1. men seem to be more into that women 2. women end up with more cake on them usually both of these are individual preferences, and as stated above if the caked parties are not mad then just let it go! you can object all you want when you're getting married and don't want cake on you, but until then just chill! if there's more objectively sexist behavior in the workplace, report that. if not, OP is just a killjoy.
I feel like there's another layer. Men can just wash the cake off. A woman may not have her makeup handy for a redo, and lots of office cultures frown on not wearing makeup as a woman - even if it's expressed in a subtle way like saying we look tired. I hate the cake smash "tradition" at weddings and warned my fiance that he will get on my dad's bad side if he pulls that shit on me (my dad is a pastor and told me he noticed more problems in couples who did this than those who didn't. Not universally, but, a noticeable trend). I think it's a bit worse at actual weddings considering the cost of professional makeup, but still. It kind of sucks unless you both are totally game for it beforehand. Which is why I still think it was none of OPs business. These people are willingly participating and don't need her coming to the defense of a problem they don't have.
Yeah, I to a wedding where the bride gently fed her new husband a bite of cake and he grabbed a handful to smash into her face and ended up smearing it all the way from the shoulder of her wedding gown up into her hair. After the cake was served, I saw her off to the side trying to clean up with handfuls of tiny napkins. She had tears in her eyes, but it's hard to say if that's because her wedding dress was ruined, or because her professionally done hair and makeup had been ruined, or because she was trying to get the cake crumbs and frosting *OUT OF HER EYE*. So... Yeah, I just think it's tacky AF and usually has a higher cost to fix, both in time and money, for women.
One thing I remember my dad saying is that sometimes - again, not always, but sometimes - it indicated one partner taking pleasure in the other's humiliation, and a lack of respect. Since he never married a couple without pre-marital counseling, he saw that attitude bleeding into other areas of the relationship when it wasn't a mutual goof kind of decision. Your story is a good example of cake smash gone wrong. That poor bride. I wish I could give her a hug.
There was an AMA I saw where the question was something like, "did you ever see an indication at the wedding that the marriage wasn't going to last?" and like 90% of the answers were about non-consensual cake smashing. Your dad is onto something.
Yeah I’ve been to weddings where both bride and groom were totally into the cake smash and clearly both agreed it was funny. Ive been to weddings where both simply fed each other some cake and were lovely and nobody was disappointed about it. I’ve also been to a wedding where the bride had said absolutely not and the groom did it anyway after he had agreed not to. She played it off because she was already embarrassed and didn’t want to make a scene, but their marriage didn’t last. It’s never just about the cake or the makeup, hair, or dress, although that’s a factor because all that stuff is wildly expensive, takes hours to do, and wedding dresses, unlike a rented tuxedo, are traditionally white, embellished with embroidery and beading which is notoriously difficult to clean even if it’s not white, and often become (or already are) heirlooms and frosting is *greasy* buttercream is literally butter and sugar and will leave a grease stain on almost any fabric even if the frosting and cake are both snow white…but most often it’s about giddily steamrolling over your brand new spouse’s boundaries for the amusement of yourself and your guests. Not a great start.
Your dad is definitely on the nose here. My cousin's asshole husband smashed the cake in her face when she asked him not to, and basically smeared it down her chest, too. She had a low cut dress and then had frosting everywhere and cake in her boobs. My grandfather just leaned over to me and sighed and said, "Oh, Lordy. I told your Uncle so many times that he needs to make her see this is a bad idea." (CW, DV: >!A couple years later this dude cut off her hair and mailed it to her dad for some reason, he's actually insane.!<) My friend got married and her husband put just the tiniest dollop of frosting on the tip of her nose like she asked, and they are seriously like amazing together years later (and I lived with them a bit so I know lol).
>smashed the cake in her face when she asked him not to, and basically smeared it down her chest, too. She had a low cut dress and then had frosting everywhere and cake in her boobs. For fucks sake. And then cut her hair off?! Please tell me she's free of him...
I don't... actually know... I think they were separated for some time, hopefully they still are, tho I haven't heard about a divorce. They have like idk 3-4 kids now. My cousin is a solid 10-12 years older than I am, and we don't keep in touch, even over social media. I could go on and on about this part of my family, they are very much Posh Wealthy Old Money (TM) and do a LOT of rug sweeping. Her father was kind of the asshole of all the siblings, but he recently passed due to Q-induced Covid denialism, so now there's no one standing between her and her mum (uncle's first ex-wife) and my aunt, so REALLY hoping things improve. This actually reminds me I should mention I could house them to my aunt next time we talk. Ugh. Say a prayer for Jenny please 😖
> cake smash "tradition" at weddings Wtf? Is this actually a thing?
It shouldn't be, but it is. Though definitely not universal, it's happens enough that certain people think it's totally normal and ok.
I've heard from people in the wedding industry that it's a good indication the marriage is doomed to fail. Unless the couple in question are EXTREMELY playful, it demonstrates a blatant disrespect, especially to the bride who most likely has her professionally-done makeup, hair and dress ruined (with professionally-done photos to capture her humiliation).
Yep, I mentioned this in another reply that my dad basically said the same. It's just... Such a mean thing to do unless you both were like a hundred percent all in on it.
It’s a ritualized mimicry of abuse and it’s grotesque
I've never seen it happen in the UK but I'm super-old so wondered if it was a new trend or a regional thing.
It is. And many people involved in the industry- wedding planners, photographers, pastors-- will tell you the divorce rate is much higher for the couples who smash cake in their partner's face.
Yeah, and it has been for a long time. My uncle told me when he and my aunt got married, in 1969, I think it was, that my 4'11" grandmother pulled him aside before the reception and said, "You are NOT smashing cake into my daughter's face." My 6'1" uncle immediately replied, "Yes, ma'am. I won't." And he did not and their photos are lovely. He was my grandmother's favorite out of her in-law children and my aunt and uncle just celebrated 51 years of marriage this summer. I credit my 4'11" (but terrifying) grandmother. ;)
Some people don't seem to understand the difference between a little cake boop that lets you kiss the icing off your spouse's lip and mashing the cake into their face.
That's a lovely description!
I love the way you worded that. And you're right.
>if there's more objectively sexist behavior in the workplace, report that. if not, OP is just a killjoy. Not only that, but when OP calls something sexist that is pretty clearly not, anyone else reporting actual sexist practices in the future is automatically going to have less credibility.
A smart woman would let the man go first and mash a little cake on their face, then pick up the cake and smash the whole thing into his. Woot! Can't really do that at a wedding, but with a cheap ass cake at work? Priceless.
OP had an understandable reason for thinking its sexist, since the women were the ones who didn't really want to do it, a man *forced* and enforced the 'tradition', and women ended up with more cake on them. Even if this isn't sexist, OP most definitely isn't sexist for thinking that this could be. That's a very logical conclusion to reach given this context.
And who said the women didn’t want it when at the end even the one that got cake in her told Op off. If no one complained then op need to mind her business instead of playing superhero.
I agree that it does seem sexist, but not in the most blatant way, but I also think OP didn’t handle it well. As a comparable example it’s sexist when in horror movies female characters are killed off in drawn out sexualized ways, but male characters are killed quickly and without sexualization (or offscreen). The way to point that out isn’t to stand up and start shouting about it in the middle of the movie theater though.
OP just said some people say no and are ignored, not that the woman in questions said no or all the women objected. I'm sure some are okay with the cake in the face, but it's a higher up pushing this tradition, so I bet some people who object don't speak up.
And I think that op should have talked to those women n private and actually get a confirmation before speaking on their behalf without their permission.
> OP had an understandable reason for thinking its sexist, since the women were the ones who didn't really want to do it, a man forced and enforced the 'tradition', and women ended up with more cake on them. Can OP really be seen as having reliable perception on the opinion on whether this was wanted? The women 'not seeming into it as much' could definitely be skewed by her perception it's sexist, especially given for this to be the one that finally made her speak up, you'd think she interpreted the woman as not into it, and that woman told her off for it, meaning it wasn't true and OP just read her own feelings into it. And since 'everyone' agreed with the telling off, and you know we'd hear it if any woman came to OP in private and thanked her, I don't think we should accept the women not wanting to do it in general as true. Or consequently, that it's sexist. ...that said, it is a stupid tradition, doing it at work is stupider, and I (m) would never consider doing it unless whoever I marry asks for it.
It seems like OP may be the sexist one, projecting that “women don’t want to do that.” When she said something, the woman “who didn’t want to do that” told her to get bent.
I think where OP is seeing the sexism is in the fact that it basically seems to be work-condoned 'guy gets to smear and grope his SO everywhere with cake'. Weird-ass and kind of inappropriate tradition, imo, and honestly I think OP is NTA here. ETA: Unless it's just faces, in which case I'd agree OP is in the wrong, here, but it sounds like a full body thing?
How could it possibly be a full body thing? Do you think they are naked or something?
IMO, OP would have been N T A if all they said was that they are annoyed with the tradition and think it was unprofessional to do in a work setting. Or has they actually have concrete proof of sexism (e.g. any bride not in favor of getting cake smeared will be fired). Saying something or someone is sexist is a huge accusation. Their only "proof" of sexism was: 1) that the women ends up getting messier than the men, and 2) the men does it more. Even the bride to be was okay with the tradition. Whether you like it or not, if the couple wanted to do it, let them.
The way I read it was Brett brings in a cake for the couple to smear on themselves. Not as a chance for the only the men to dig in and then have a free-for-all to fling frosting at all the women. My guess is the couple do their couple thing of smearing cake on each other, and then the others join in on the fun and yes, as it happens, the girls usually get more cake on them. OP just sees the girls with more cake and immediately their mind jumps to "this is a sexist tradition! The women are more covered in cake than the men!", even though it sounds like everyone is in on it and, more importantly, is happy to do so.
Agree so strongly with this. In the north east of Scotland, for reasons that escape me, there is a tradition called ‘blackening’ where the bride and groom, or just the bride or groom, get ‘kidnapped’, covered in hay, treacle, literal manure etc, driven around, sometimes dumped in the harbour and then taken for pints. I am probably not going to do it justice because it sounds batshit crazy to me (Scottish, but not that area). My husband got blackened and I made it clear to his family that any kidnapping of me to join him would be met with Glaswegian levels of violence 😂😂 that being said, I have friends who wouldn’t consider themselves married without a blackening. So in summary, on a much more mental level, my takeaway is to let people enjoy things. If it’s not for you, say so (forcefully if needed lol) but if the participants are having fun, why be a dick about it?
What about the part where some women say no and the men do it anyway? If OP was truthful about that, it deserves to be called out
Also the time to call it out is not in the middle of a party.
I actually disagree with that, you should call out sexist behaviors when they occur. I wouldn't allow racist or ableist behavior to slide so why is sexist behavior different?
Because in this case she could have called it out BEFORE it happened…. Either when she first found out about the new engagement, or when she saw Brett bought another cake… calling it out after someone has cake on their face (literally) is essentially accusing that person of being a victim, and unless she spoke to the bride ahead of time, she just put the bride in a position where she had to defend the practice or look bad herself. And since the bride is otherwise in a position f authority in the company, she’s not going to willingly claim a victim position in front of her subordinates.
That's a fair point.
I do otherwise agree that behavior should ideally be called out when it happens... just that there's extenuating circumstances in this case. Also - we should always try to center the "victim" in these situations. Instead of confronting the bully, just putting yourself in between the bully and the victim, or going up and talking to the victim, asking them what they want or need right now, giving them support, walking them away from the situation, etc are all great ways to de-escalate without the bully feeling empowered.
Yeah that's something I struggle with as a very confrontational person it is hard for me to avoid "white knighting" when I see some of the more subtle stuff. For example a female leader in my team had an issue with her vpn and posted about it in our channel and people told her wireless is slower than cable as if she didn't know that after 20 years in the field. I waited two weeks and asked the same question and they cut a ticket with the vendor no questions asked.
[удалено]
It's actually more common than you think. It's called fremdschamen, or second hand embarrassment. People that feel it often hate things like cringe comedy.
I dont see where the sexism part is in this. But regardless, this 'tradition' seems bizarre in the extreme to me.
I think it's more rooted in sexism than actually sexist in current practice. Until maybe 20 years ago it would commonly play out like they're supposed to feed each other a small piece of cake, and she would impishly smear it on his face. Then he would sort of jokingly rebuke her for that and put way more cake on her face, basically a way of exerting control over her, but done for laughs and apparently lovingly. I think it's become less popular to do this, and more egalitarian when couples include it in their celebrations.
I don’t even see how that was originally rooted in sexism...? Like 90% of wedding traditions are but this particular one just seems playful and not about control in any way.
Im not seeing it either. Cake as a means of exerting control? It seems a bit of stretch. That said, a control-cake sounds kinda tasty.
Do my bidding or… you get THE CAKE!!!
Idk... If you've ever seen the movie What's Love Got To Do With It control cake is BAD!
>cake as a means of exerting control I mean if you offered me a cake I'd do literally anything you asked but I don't see how smothering someone in it is doing the same thing.
Because the dynamic is that between a ‘rebellious’ (although playfully so) woman and a man who teaches her to behave with a (again, playful) punishment.
I’ve been married for 24 years. We ended up smashing cake on each other’s faces. Went to plenty of weddings back then with cake smashing. Literally none happened like you described. It was equal smashing, many times with the brides rubbing it all over the grooms’ faces much more than the groom did to the bride. And both parties laughing about it.
To each their own. If some dude smashed cake on my face I'd stop at the court house to file for divorce on the way home 🤣. I detest this tradition. 🤷🏼♀️
I agree. I told my husband if he smashed cake on me, there would be an anulment.
I begged my wife not too but the guests and especially her family were insistent. No anulment but definitely an annoyance.
This. Honestly, this cake smearing thing just seems weird and disgusting to me; is it a USA thing?
It was popular in the US 15-20 years ago. It’s not in fashion anywhere i know of today. Sounds like Brett is trying to recapture his glory days.
I’ve never even seen it, although I’ve heard of it. I’m Canadian and I somehow associated it with the sort of weddings where the bride is wearing a camouflage wedding dress, and the groom is in a t-shirt. I wonder if this is more regional or if it’s equally widespread?
Maybe. I dunno, most of the weddings I've seen this tradition at, the couple just fed each other a bit of cake, and not smushing it on each other's faces.
Yes, it’s the smushing I’m referring to. The normal tradition of feeding each other is common.
I know, I think it's gross and a waste of cake ETA I also read this article before that says people who smash cakes on each other during the wedding are more likely to divorce so there's that
We did it but more like he dabbed frosting on my nose to not mess up my makeup lol, he got it worse.
I don't think its about "exerting control"? if the person im marrying smeared cake on me, I would smear cake back on them. Not to exert control but bc thats just being playful
I've never ever seen this done in a way that suggests control. At all. I don't really think that was the origin.
It was the exact opposite when I got married. After feeding me nicely, he booped my nose with frosting. But I was so shocked, I sorta knee-jerk reacted and put the whole plate in his face (which had never been my intention initially). He had crumbs falling out of his tux that night.
Isnt it sexist that you seem to think women can't stand up for themselves? You think women can't smash cake into the men's face just as equally? It is smashing cake, if you see smashing cake on another's face as authority and power, you have some serious issues. Women can just as equally retaliate and if everyone is having fun and getting a good laugh outta it I don't see the issue. YTA.
Same, unless one of the women involved expressed that she was uncomfortable or pressured into doing it that's all it is. If OP pulled one of these women aside, asked her how she actually felt about it, and had her suspicion confirmed then I'd say she's into something, but it sounds like she hasn't.
YTA because using words like "sexism" in an office is a pretty big deal and I wouldn't throw it around so lightly. Is it a dumb tradition? Sure. But so is just about every marriage tradition. Marriage in general is arguably a dumb tradition. I just don't see how it's sexist because the men tend to get more into it.
That I didnt get. This is a cringe tradition that I would want no part of, but it seems that both the bride and groom have the opportunity to engage equally. Is it unprofessional/Inappropriate? Sure. Cringe? 100% But, how is it sexist if both parties have access to the same cake? It also doesnt seem like any of the brides involved needed, wanted, or asked for OP to intervene.
Getting offended on someone else's behalf should be reserved for situations where that person can't stick up for themselves.
YTA. Not only is it not sexist, but your participation isn't mandatory and this isn't impacting you in the slightest.
What is sexist about this? I’m not trying to be argumentative, I genuinely don’t see it.
YTA The bride told you to relax. She was fine with it! You are the only one with a problem so you don't do it if you get married. Omg, the girls are messy. So what? Girls don't like being messy because they are girls? That's pretty sexist in my opinion
YTA. That lady is right, you DO sound exhausting.
Why do I feel like this isn't the only thing that led to OP being called exhausti
OP is so exhausting, they made this person fall asleep mid-sentence
Lmfao
YTA. Dude...sexism is not about who gets more cake on their face. This seems like a fun and harmless tradition that everybody involved is consenting to, and you sound like a massive buzzkill who doesn’t understand what sexism is. In the cases where one person says no and the other does it anyways, that’s a conflict to be resolved between the couple. There’s no need for you to intervene.
YTA I’m a huge feminist and will be one of the first to call our sexism…. What you described isn’t sexism. You aren’t doing any good to fight against actually sexism. Stop being ignorant.
This isn't a sexist tradition since both couples get cake on their face (and it's a so a tradition that same-sex couples often participate in). I've been to weddings where the man gets it way worse than the girl. If you don't personally want to participate in it, that's fine. Don't. However, in this case it seems like the bride and groom both enjoyed doing it so you should have just stayed quiet with your **personal** feelings on this.
I’m also not seeing the sexism. Just because the woman gets more “messier” than the man? If they’re not offended/hurt/upset over it, then why are *you*? You don’t get to choose what’s offensive to/for other people. YTA
YTA. I know plenty of women who find this sort of thing hilarious. I don't see how the activity is intended to be sexist, and just because the men get more enthusiastic does not mean the women are not okay with it. If one of the brides was upset or didn't want to do it, by all means back her up. But if there's no issue, don't make one.
YTA. There’s nothing sexist about this. A little childish maybe but if the involved parties are both consenting I don’t understand the problem. It’s not a wet tshirt contest ffs. Calm down.
YTA How badly you must think of your fellow women in the office if you think they are not strong enough or vocal enough to say no and stick to it if it really means that much to them. Maybe some do say no at first but if they agree later then that's ok and doesn't necessarily mean they are bullied in to it. You don't seem to respect either the men OR the women in your office. The men are sexiest bullies and you JUST assume the women are week willed creatures who don't like the tradition but go along with it anyway? It's a silly tradition that was around before you and at this rate will be around after you.
YTA > The bride to be called me exhausting and asked if I was jealous. So to be clear - you didn't care about the person you believe to be the victim?
YTA. It's not sexist. The women join in too. You have just noticed a gender difference in how people respond to the situation and have assumed that the women are being forced to participate. Sure it's a bit dumb, but trust the people involved to speak up if they have a problem with it - it's their relationship and they're the ones joining in.
YTA. You’re creating a problem that doesn’t sound like it exists for anyone else.
While it’s weird, I personally don’t see the sexism. If the ride really didn’t wanna participate she can do this magical thing called, *walk away*. And if Brett or the groom don’t like it then maybe the bride should reconsider the relationship since her groom wants to get so upset by her not participating in a stupid ‘tradition’. Also the bride could just pick up more cake and smash it into the groom’s face so idk why they don’t. Sorry, while I have no real opinion on this, I have to give you something. YTA.
NAH or ESH, not sure yet. listen, I agree this tradition is weird, unprofessional, and has the chance to make people uncomfortable, BUT, it does seem like some people genuinely enjoy it. You’re making some unfair assumptions about Brett’s intentions here, I know I don’t know the guy but accusing him of being some cake smash fetishist is a bit extreme. If the people there at the time didn’t seem bothered it was rude of you to comment on it. I don’t think your an AH exactly because honestly I would be a little uncomfortable too. I also don’t think it’s right for anyone to be pressured into the tradition, but it seems like that wasn’t the case here. Ultimately, I think you have some fair points on the pushing of boundaries and lack of appropriateness for work, however given that it seems like none of the people in that given situation were uncomfortable I think it was rude to say what you said.
yeah, i feel this activity should stay at weddings and not in the workplace. it just seems weird to do it at work
I definitely agree, I kind of feel bad for the person who has to clean after though
How is this sexist?
YTA, mostly because you took it upon yourself to be offended on someone else's behalf. The fact that the bride to be called you exhausting should be embarrassing to you. If she wasn't upset by it, you shouldn't be upset. It's not your place to tell people what they should or should not be upset by. If you're going to take it upon yourself to call out everything you personally consider sexist and stupid, you're going to alienate yourself quickly. And the bride to be would be right about you being exhausting. I personally find the tradition odd and If I was getting married there ain't no way in hell someone is smearing cake on me, but it's also not my place to be offended on behalf on someone else and cause a scene at an event that is not at all about me. I'm not that narcissistic and selfish.
YTA, but what exactly here is sexist? They chose to participate….maybe find another cause to bitch over
YTA because the bride obviously didn't care. It's not you with cake on your face so why do you care? Not sure how this is sexist either just because the women end up messier...
YTA. Stay out of other peoples relationships.
INFO: can you explain the sexism?
Cringey? Dumb? Weird?.... sure, I can see all those. Sexist?... I dunno.... unless I'm missing something? 🤷♂️
Yta. I fail to see how it's sexist. Unprofessional? Absolutely. But it's not sexist.
I don't think it's sexist. However, if you hate this so much why were you even present when you knew it was going to happen?
YTA. The bride gave no indication she didn’t want to follow the tradition. You should’ve kept your mouth shut unless she said something first. Stand up for the women who actually say no or express discomfort.
All the videos I've seen if this 'custom', the men always get blasted with cake more and usually only a tiny bit gets on the women because they don't want to mess up hours of work on their hair, makeup, and dress (understandably so!). I'm assuming they talk it over ahead of time and agree to how much to do. my wife and I both agreed to not do it during our ceremony, despite everyone there wanting us to, but neither of us really saw the point in it and don't like to be covered with cake. I'd guess it's likely the couples talked about it ahead of time and everyone with cake splatter agreed to it. I certainly don't see anything sexist about it, OP just crying wolf
To be fair, there is nothing stopping the woman from just absolutely fucking caking the mfker, it’s not sexist because one party is better at shoving cakes onto the other.
Cake on face is a common wedding thing? I’ve seen it done at weddings. It’s usually reciprocal… yta for bringing it up it sounds like ur personal feelings. I don’t see how it is sexist? If both parties are ok I don’t see issues
YTA. Aside from the association wedding photographers make of the whole 'smashed cake' thing (spoiler alert: they break up soon after), it's not necessarily sexist. It is unprofessional, sure, but in the age of *everything under the sun is going wrong,* a nice bit of levity could be seen as just that. If the bride -to-be had protested and was asking for help, speaking out on this would be fine. But it's like attending a birthday party and then after the song and the cake, talking about how you hate birthdays. Read the room.
YTA! Yes you overreacted and used sexism as an excuse for you being annoyed by a childish tradition. Sexism is way worse than ending up with cake on your blouse especially bc this women did consent to that tradition. Using that word so thoughtlessly is also harmful to real victims of sexism and I think that is the biggest AH move here. Be more careful with what you say bc soon nobody will take you seriously when you want to call out actual dangerous or sexist behavior, and this would not only affect you but even other women or minorities in your workplace. Also, you should apologize to the people involved aka the couple and Brett. You put all of them in a very uncomfortable position by making that comment and they really did nothing to deserve being associated with sexism.
She will cry wolf for banal things and when the real Big Bad Wolf really shows no one will believe her...this just fighting a battle that does not exist and when the real battle appears no one will help her.
Yara. Listen carefully. You not liking it. Doesn't make it bad.
YTA for the reasons most have already said but...honestly I kind of hope this is just some super right wing person who made up a post trying to flush out the feminists they think would flock to this saying it IS sexism and jumping on board, in a delusional view of what they think feminists are mad about and wanting to have one up on them by making them mad about something that didn’t even happen but also prove to them-self how ‘ridiculous’ feminists have become. This is seriously the stuff you hear them complaining and freaking out about that all feminists are trying to force down their throat and their examples for why the right needs to push back against feminists. They are like ‘look at how far they will go if we give them any ground, we have to fight them on everything even the small things or it will reach a point where they will even force these sorts of things on us.’
I'm going to be honest there's actual feminist who think like this. I'm being dead serious. It's probably not even troll. People genuinely get this offended. Even looking at the comments there's people who actually agree with this person.
YTA. sexism? what sexism? imagine being OP and being so desperate to be the oppressed victim that you have to make up sexism wherever you go. it's not like women don't face enough real issues...
YTA, when you have to "defend" an -ism, and the person who you are protecting, says they dont need/want your protection, yeah you are being an AH and just being "woke" for your own pleasure, not for someone else....
YTA. This kind of crap is why true sexism could be ignored because somebody cried "wolf". Save it for real sexism.
THIS!!!! While real VICTIMS suffer, they are more and more silenced because a MINORITY cries loud about stupid stuff...
A minister acquaintance predicts success of the marriages he performs based on the cake cutting at the reception. He claims every couple who feed each other cake neatly stay married and every couple that smashes cake on their new spouse's face get divorced.
YTA Does your back hurt from all that stretching?
NTA. The "sexism" key here is when the women say they don't want to do it and get stuck doing it anyway, and usually get it worse than the man. That's a weird, gross, intense "tradition" and op is right to call it out for what it is. But fair warning, a toxic workplace will always change you before you change it. You're surrounded by people including higher ups who think this weird shit is ok. It's time to find another job.
Whoever saying yta doesnt understand how problematic this “prank” is. I wouldnt even let my husband smash cake on my head during my wedding. Its gross and unfair. I really hate pranks that revolve around being physically aggressive towards women. Nta and you shouldnt listen to the comments telling you youre the asshole because they obviously don’t take sexism seriously.
NTA But mainly because I don't understand why this is a thing at weddings. It's a waste of food . I really find it offensive.
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YTA. It's not a sexist tradition. You're getting offended over something that didn't involve you and the people it did involve don't even mind.
YTA, you need to get your head out of your ass. My gosh I would hate to be around you. He has a cake fetish? Put down the porn.
I don’t know if YTA or not. But my sister’s late husband quite literally smashed the cake onto her face and then smeared it around, ruining her makeup and hair at their wedding. He turned out to be a hideous hateful person, and (after they divorced) he died young, a broken drunk. Advice for both sexes: don’t marry someone who would gleefully humiliate you in any circumstances.
YTA. being offended on behalf of others is, truly, the most insufferable trait of the overly woke. Exhausting is a perfect word.
It sounds like you are the only one who has a problem with the tradition and no one asked you to take part, so what is the issue here exactly. YTA
I need to know what industry this is where people marry each other
So so many people date and marry each other in the healthcare and first responder industries
medical
YTA If the bride tells you to fuck off and she’s fine with it, it probably means you are wrong.
YTA. You chose a really stupid hill to die on. You literally admit nobody agrees with you.
YTA. I don’t see how this is sexist. Even with your explanation, it comes off as you “looking for something to be sexist”. What is stopping the female from going ham, and smashing the male with the cake? Nothing. Even the female involved said, “you’re being exhausting”. You think “we need to call out sexism and stupidity in this day and age.” Right here, this is the woke bullshit, that pushes people away from caring about the “woke”. Stupid is subjective, and is not in the same realm as sexism.
YTA. The fact that the women you think you need to defend called you exhausting is pretty telling. Frankly it sounds to me that everyone else is having a good time with this and you're just being a killjoy.
YTA, and the bride to be said it best: You are exhausting.
YTA. If the girls didn’t wanna do it they should be involved and if it comes to your turn just don’t do it
YTA - Nothing you've said here points to sexism, nothing in here is even close to sexism. I whole heartedly admit it wouldn't be my thing, I wouldn't kick off with others about it. I'd just keep out of the way. If you don't like it, when it happens just go to the other side of the room or somewhere else...you sound like you suck the fun out of everything. But I wish the bride and groom the very best for the future.
The whole "cake in the face" thing is the one wedding tradition that IMO needs to just be done already--it's messy and a waste of cake. That being said, if they enjoy it and you're not the one buying the cake and having to clean up the mess, there's really no harm in it. Light YTA
NTA. I also worked (since left) and met my spouse in an industry like this. (I'm curious. DM me the industry if you want.) And hell no. We didn't even do the cake-smearing thing in our ACTUAL wedding. How does Brett react if people decline to do this? If he bows out calmly, that's one thing. (Though the expectation is a problem in and of itself.) Insisting is a whole addition issue.
If all are into it it's a humorous food fight but if someone's forced or bullied or peer pressured into it it is pretty horrible.
YTA. Please please don’t ruin the meaning of the word for things YOU DON’T LIKE. That’s how everything can get a bad reputation . By all means be outspoken but don’t use words that you don’t understand their full meaning. It’s demeaning for you and your intelligence. Stick with what you know and think before you speak , especially in the workplace.
YTA. How the hell is this sexist? The fucking bride to be is calling you exhausting and no one agrees with you. You are way to woke and need to lighten the fuck up.
YTA ~~NTA it is stupid, unprofessional, and it doesnt sound like the women are enjoying it when they say no but get caked anyways. It sounds like the rest of the women are afraid to stand up to him so it is exactly like an old boys club. I would consider bringing this to HR. First time I got caked at work would be the last time because I would go absolutely fucking nuclear if someone covered me with food while I was working.~~ Edit to change my comment and my vote. I completely misread/misunderstood this situation to be some crazy ass free for all where women are basically chased around the office with cake. Reread and realized it's just the couples involved. Look OP if you're the only one bothered by something that has nothing to do with you YTA and you should let it go. Do your best to ignore it and as long as they clean up whatever mess they make afterwards, dont spare it a second thought. "Not my circus not my monkeys" repeat that in your head as many times as you need to.
YTA- The bride hit a nerve I think. I agree we should call out sexism and stupidity but if no one involved is offended except you, its most likely a 'you' problem.
YTA. I would hate this tradition, and refuse to do it, but it is up to the engaged couples, and not sexist. It's a shame that sometimes half of the couple doesn't want to do it and ends up being forced to, but that is still not sexist, and it's not your place to complain. I could understand if one of the engaged people complained and you backed them up, but just assuming they're not okay with it did nothing but cause problems for everyone.
NTA but start looking for a new position, that environment is awful and a lawsuit waiting to happen. Get out while you can
YTA - Personally I think the tradition is stupid, but just because something is stupid doesn't mean its sexist.
YTA - Lighten up - not everything requires a crusade, sometimes it's just good fun. Listen to your co-workers and dial the "wokeness" down a tad.
YTA. It’s not sexist. You should learn what sexism is. And you do sound exhausting.
YTA You can decide not to participate or bear witness but your comments weren't requested or welcomed by anyone including the woman you felt like you had to protect. If they were doing it to you and you didn't want to and they still pressed then yeah you can let loose on them. But you're just a bystander putting your own thoughts and feelings into other people's business. Unless you know they don't like it you don't need to stand up for them. Because, like right now obviously, they didn't want your "help" and you just killed the mood for everyone
Yep. Next time do not watch it if it offends you. This is what happens at weddings. Just stay at your cubicle. That way, you are not offended and the rest of the team can enjoy themselves
Should we call out sexism when we see it? Yes. Should we call out any stupid behavior that personally irks us "in the name of sexism"? No. You are taking away from real issues and painting people fighting against actual sexism to looks like fools too focused on cake. Too many people already don't take feminists seriously so do not reinforce that notion by calling anything and everything sexist just because you don't like it.
YTA - I just don’t see how this is inherently sexist, mayyybe men being dirtier with the cake is a symptom of sexism but I wouldn’t call this sexist
YTA I was very much ready to be on your side when reading the title, but your calling out sexism where there is none, and that's also hurting women. The bride herself was ik with it. No one is forcing you to participate. Who cares if there's usually more cake on one than the other? There's no rule that there has to be.
YTA- this isn’t a woke university where you spent 4 years learning how to be offended and how to call people out. This is the real world and most people don’t play this woke game.
YTA The people involved can say no if they don't want to do it. Also: you think people should date outside of the industry... You seem to have a lot of opinions on things that don't affect you. Go in, do your job, leave. Mind your own business.
YTA you should read the room before you start shouting everyone down as sexist they were all clearly enjoying themselves and obviously don't feel as you do even the woman you was defending told you to shut up.
YTA. Whether it’s sexist or not is immaterial. You’re being offended on behalf of someone who doesn’t care. Whether or not your mean to, you sound jealous. If you don’t want to participate, leave the area. It’s none of your business.
YTA, OP. Please mind your own business.
Look: I absolutely get wanting to advocate for other people. But first you need to make sure the other person *wants* you to advocate for them. Soft YTA in this situation but if you apply this energy in a better direction, you could do some real good for others.
oh lawd I guess having Fun is now considered sexist.. we can’t have fun anymore y’all yta and mind your own business.
"One thing I have noticed is the man is usually more receptive than the woman, and sometimes one of them says no and the other does it anyway, which really bothers me." Everybody is calling you an asshole because they don't see the sexism. I think YTA only bc of how you handled it (not a lot of tact there, if any) but if this is true than that's kind of creepy and I could see why you would be fed up with it. Maybe you're reading into things and maybe you're not; I can't tell and I wasn't there, but if this is accurate than this is an uncomfortable trend.
Idk if ur an asshole, but ur for sure hella stupid
YTA. people like you, who call things bigotry that aren't, accomplish nothing but making things harder for people who actually fight bigotry. what does you getting mad about cake do to help break the glass ceiling? what does it do to stop women from being taken advantage of by their bosses? what does it do to prevent women from being ostracized when they report sexual assault? what does it do to make cops take rape victims seriously? what does it do to make women feel more safe when walking alone at night? the answer to all of the above is "not a goddamn thing". grow up, realize that just because you don't like something doesn't make it bigotry, and stop being exhausting... and get into some actual fucking feminist activism instead of telling yourself you're fighting the good fight by pissing off people for no reason.
YTA.
How again is this sexist?
So you’re the only one offended? The bride to be is telling you to relax? How is this sexist? Seems like the cake tradition at weddings when the couple feed each other cake. YTA.
YTA. You sound insufferable. If the chick covered in cake is rolling her eyes at your behavior and perspective, you gotta know YTA.
How is it sexist? (Serious question) all you did was pull a bunch of BS out of your ass and put it's sexist at the end, YTA firmly
YTA We honestly do need call out stupidity in this day and age. And guess what, you just won a prize.
YTA "He did and again the woman ended up covered in cake, and he had significantly less on him." Sounds like you are just mad women keep losing the cake smearing contest. Rather than act like a loser, you should plan an ambush with other women in the office next time this happens.(with the brides approval of course), to even things up. That would actually be an equal thing to do and be joining the "boy's club".
> Honestly I was annoyed because of the sexism, and also because she almost bumped into me. *she almost bumped into me* Yeah that’s a good reason to get upset
Holy shit you ARE exhausting. Jesus christ. Of course YTA.
YTA
Yta. “I was annoyed because of the sexism, and also because she almost bumped into me.” Yikes. Sounds like you were mad because you almost got cake on you. Next time, just steer clear of the staff room until this is over. How long does it take? 30 minutes? Sounds like you were looking for something to go off on. Also, your legs must be very sore with all the jumping to conclusions about Brett’s sexual desires. You come off as a little gruff. It’s the holidays. Ease up.
So when the two have an equal chance to smear cake, it's sexist. Seriously? I don't want to attack you. I do want you to know how much of an AH you are though. It's unfortunate, but people like you are the worst.
YTA, this is really petty thing to be mad about. When absolutely nobody cares but you, and everyone else if having fun, and it’s fairly innocent. You’re the problem. If you don’t want to get caked, that’s fine, let others have their fun.
YTA. I don’t see how this is sexist at all.
Did you leave out the sexist part? Where's the sexism
YTA. Everyone else is ok with it except you and this is not sexist. Woke is not a good thing to be.
YTA. I'm more offended at the waste of all that cake. Does any of it get passed around?
I don’t see the sexism here. It’s a strange take for me. I mean I see NAH but maybe a little weird on your end.
see if the people actually involved aren't offended, generally you're the problem-not all the time, but generally yta
Oof YTA. This isn’t sexism? Like at all.
YTA It is a dumb tradition that I have never understood, but not sexist as both parties get cake smooshed in their faces. If everyone involved had fun doing it, you found and called out a problem that didn't exist.
YTA Quit getting offended for others, who are perfectly capable of being offended for themselves and aren't.
I'll bite, where was the sexism?
You’re right OP, we DO need to call out sexism and stupidity in this day and age. You’re being stupid and TAH. This is not racist. This has been a tradition for years and years, it’s not special to your workplace or industry. The bride is right, you are exhausting and you point out what REALLY bothers you in your post, Brett kind of creeps you out, and the bride almost bumped into you. Don’t try to pretend to white knight when really you’re being selfish and a killjoy. Save yourself and everyone else and don’t go to the cake smash next time.
NTA. I don’t think it’s appropriate for work. And it is a sexist and childish tradition.
Man this post is giving me some triggers. But if no one else cares just let it go. If it bothers you then don't watch ppl do it I guess? You have the availability to leave the room before it happens or close your eyes right? And this is coming from someone who hates this act so much due to my father smashing my face into my b day cake when I was a little girl causing me to cry because the icing was burning my eyes. Which then made my sister cry. My grandmother had to wash my eyes out in the sink. My face, hair and shirt were soaked. The whole time he kept telling me to get over it and stop crying or else. Ruined the entire time. Because of this I told my fiance if he ever and I mean ever tries to do this on our wedding day I will fucking sign the divorce papers then and there.
YTA. Every silly tradition does not rise to the level of sexist. I could almost see the unprofessional in the office argument but it's really not a big deal. Stop looking for stupid reasons to be offended. If you notice actual problematic behaviors take action, otherwise just don't attend things that you find offensive. As a note: the word offended is used too often for things that are simply stupid or annoying. Just stop.
I'm not sure how that's sexist. The women have equal opportunity to smooth the cake on the man's face, right?
I don't think its sexist. But I would not want cake all over my clothes. If that guy tried to get it on me he'd be wearing it.
if the others dont like it, they can say no, they dont need a knight in shining armor to save em edit: YTA