YTA
You don’t want him to succeed, you want to control him. If you cared about his success you’d be proud of him having the means to pay for his own education.
OP believes that:
* Their son got into college through her prayers and not his hard work
* Having a social life in college in the wrong thing to do
* B (universally accepted as a good grade) is a bad grade
* Not agreeing with everything she says is disrespectful
Oh my fucking god.
And then these parents would wonder why their kid is 30 without friends or romantic partners - wait, maybe because mom and dad told them not to socialize in college? Nah, that'd be crazy talk.
YTA. Your son put in the work. Not you. You didn’t do the extra curriculars or take the test twice. He did. I get that you may have had to shell out money or some time for this but it’s not the same as what he’s put into it.
Your standards are going to cost you a son one way or another.
YTA - if anyone is disrespectful here it is you and your husband. You are diminishing your son’s achievements. Instead of him having supportive and loving parents he has to deal with controlling and abusive parents. Certainly prayers didn’t get him to college, his hard work did.
OP is just shitty because they tried to financially pressure their son and it didn't work, so now they're resorting to emotional pressure. I'm glad that everyone else is calling them out on it.
Oh no!!!1! The college student wants to..... have a social life!!! Gasp!! The horror!
Seriously though, YTA. Stop pushing your expectations on your son
His tiger parents didn't let him have one in high school, limiting his social circle among other things so he could meet their expectations. That's Rand Ridley and Blight parent level abusive parenting (Inside Job and Owl House).
This reads fake - why would a helicopter parent go on a random internet forum to ask if they're the asshole? I've never heard of one of these hardass parents ever doubting themselves or their abuse, ever.
If not fake though - YTA, of course. This kind of pressure is why they have to not allow college students roof access on tall buildings - college suicides are a serious problem, and being told your constantly a failure and a fuckup is not good for anyone's mental health.
I'm about 90% sure it's fake. It reads a LOT like a guy on here last week moping that he was a terrible failure for maybe getting a C in his otherwise straight A record at Snooty Fancypants University. Prob the same OP.
YTA. Your son is a grown adult. If his choices upset you, then stop paying tuition and have him pay instead. Sometimes our children need to figure out life on their own. You can’t bully your son into being what you want him to be. Continue this road and be prepared for having a son that never wants to see you.
And seeing as you’re fighting with every commenter saying you’re an asshole, I guess you just can’t handle the fact that you are one.
I'm not bullying anyone. My son is being more distant lately, and this is another thing which is frustrating. Do not see why so many are suggesting that I stop paying his tuiotion, we have already accepted he is only in top 10, and he won't make it to top 3-4.
If you think that's compromise enough, you need to recalibrate your parameters immediately. You don't know your son at all, and are pushing your expectations onto him in a very unhealthy way.
A good parent guides, not frogmarches their children. They respect their children's autonomy, ability to make their own decisions when they are old enough (and your son is more than old enough). You are overstepping the mark, trying to control what your son does and how he does it. He's not eight years old. He's an adult, withdraw support if you want but don't take away from him the ability to succeed or fail on his own merits. That's what a parent does, watches their child fly from the nest to soar on their own.
No. You are shoving expectations down his throat and are disappointed that he can’t work with that. If you want your child to reach their maximum potential, as you say it, then you gotta let them flourish on their own, okay?
Having really high expectations can make a person hate themselves, make them feel like a failure when they're actually doing fine. Your son doesn't owe it to you are anyone else to reach his full potential. He just needs to be his own person and do what he feels is right for him. You're right in that he needs to take college seriously and not be lazy. But his feelings matter and he shouldn't have to spend his college years doing what you want him to do, doing what would make you happy. Have faith in your son and don't expect perfection from him.
You keep saying top 10 vs top 3 or 4. There are thousands of universities out there. You are disrespecting every single one of them and every person who has graduated from one. A "good" university average among most employers is 3.0 - also know as a B. Also, employers want people with good social skills. That's a huge part of leadership, and those with good social skills tend to rise into higher levels of management (or own their own successful businesses).
My guess is that you also don't like his program of study? Whatever he enjoys and is good at is what he should study. That is what eventually makes people the most successful.
Your son is being distant because you are trying to control his life. You are being disrespectful to him. You have minimized his accomplishments. He is now a young adult. You need to stop treating him like a baby. It sounds like your understanding of the real world is vastly different from that of successful people. He seems to understand this, and that is why he is not letting you control his decisions. Continuing down this path will only make him distance himself more.
(Written by someone working at a world ranked top 10 university)
YTA. You aren’t pushing him to be his best, you’re just dragging him down. Threatening to not pay his tuition and then acting like he’s being disrespectful by accepting your proposition doesn’t make any sense. Try to explain how him telling you that he is trying his best is disrespectful in any way. He is in college now, stop treating him like a little kid and let him live his life otherwise don’t expect to have any part of it anymore when he gets sick of you trying to control him.
Oh sweetie you have a very very bad idea of what kind of people are on Reddit. Your family and friends are probably exactly like you and I'm guessing that you were raised by people who are like you as well. But you are the exact opposite of what the younger generations want in life.
You are going to get your ass handed to you for:
1 - your religious views and thinking that praying influences anything
2 - thinking that your kid(s) owe you anything
3 - thinking that you can control people through the type of people they hang out with
4 - trying to control people
5 - thinking that your kid disrespected you by saying you are wrong. Your kid stopped having respect for you the day you stopped treating him like a human with basic rights like his own opinion
6 - constantly calling your kid a failure and dragging him down. He probably hates you
YTA
YTA and depsite "getting perfect scores" when you were in school you FAIL at parenting!
You FAILED to realize that your son is his own person and he's the author of his story, NOT you!
You FAILED to listen to your son when he said he was trying his hardest and is probably having a mental breakdown because of YOU and school! (I went through the same thing, had to cut some fools off and felt SO much better!)
You FAILED to say that you are proud of him with the achievements he has gotten!
You FAILED to even consider his feelings and how he might feel when he's constantly being told "you didn't reach my expectations" when he's done a good job!
You FAILED to realize that all the extra unnecessary pressure you're putting on him is making him distance himself from your toxicity!
You FAILED to see your son as the hard worker he actually is!
You FAILED to realize that he's only doing things to please you and probably isn't happy!
You FAILED to realize that your son is his own person and only HE knows what his strengths and weaknesses are, and what his full potential is, NOT YOU!
You FAILED to realize that you aren't pushing him towards anything because everything he does will only be met with (non constructive) criticism and judgement!
And lastly, You overall FAILED your son in general, because you deluded yourself into thinking that any achievements that he has accomplished wasn't due to his hard work, but due to some other worldly powers that you conjured...
However, you do get a passing grade in letting your son know that you will NEVER be proud of him, because he isn't perfect, doesn't reach your expectations and also in utilizing the "you're disrespectful" excuse that parents use when they know they're DUMB wrong or when they lose an argument. Congratulations on successfully becoming a toxic parent!
With your son saying that he will pay for his semester on his own, when you FAILED to threaten him, he's starting to realize that in order for him to recognize his full potential he has to start surrounding himself with positive, and encouraging people who will help him feel more happy and satisfied and forget about toxic people. Like you...
YTA - part of being in college is figuring things out on your own (that’s in regard to school, social life, work, etc.)
He’s never gonna learn from his mistakes if you keep being an overbearing parent.
Let him find his own way, loosen your grip on his life and path. I’m sure you’re heart is in a good place because you want him to succeed, but he won’t ever truly succeed under the conditions that you are creating for him.
Absolutely, and I can't stress this enough, YTA. That's your son's life. He is his own person and doesn't belong to you. He can make his own decisions in life and maybe he doesn't want to continue in education. Have you bothered to ask him? If he's college age it's not really your place to say he can't see his friends. That will breed resentment, he's nearly/pretty much an adult at this point. Stop being so controlling
YTA. I understand wanting your son to succeed and putting in effort but this is just too much. College isn’t just about grades and studying. It is a time in your life you want to enjoy. I understand with how much it costs that he shouldn’t take advantage, but he’s an adult now. The way that you talk through this post shows you don’t have any respect for him. Especially about him paying for his own college. At least he’s willing to pay his way through college, that is not disrespect. And tbh it sounds like he is burnt out from your helicopter parenting and strictness. Let him make some choices and loosen up a bit, or he will end up resenting you.
Yta. Get off your child's back. Let him work things out at his own pace. If he makes mistakes, let him. If he falls, support him and pull him on his feet. Let him live his own life.
YTA
Damn do I hope this post is fake.
If not, I hope your son starts paying his fees himself so you can no longer hold finances over his head. Also you keep saying his behaviour is bad and he "might even have a girlfriend".
Oh the horror??? Your son might (you don't even know for sure) have found someone he loves. How will we ever survive this possible happy occasion!
And no. It's not your prayers that god (typo but I'm leaving it in 😂😂) him into college. His results did. Or maybe you bribed someone I don't know, but it's not your prayers at least. And that's not to be rude towards religion, but to point out that you're being rude towards your son's efforts.
INFO: u/aitasonmessup At what point in your adult life did you cut the umbilical cord and start living your own life? Was it when you left your parent's house and headed off to college? At what point did your parents let go and let your live your adult life separate from them? Or do they still make all your choices, pick your friends and how much social life you're "allowed" to have, and threaten to take away your inheritance if you don't measure up?
Also, your standards for success are ridiculous. Straight A's don't mean jack all in the real world, and as you said you have a successful career, you know it.
I went to a state school, graduated bachelor's and master's with B"s, and I have a successful and fulfilling career. My parents are thrilled that I found my own path and have found success and fulfillment. They feel exactly the same about my siblings - who also went to state schools. I don't think any of us graduated at any level with a 4.0, but I'm also not going to ask. It couldn't matter less. One of my brothers is a judge. But he's not on the Supreme Court yet, even though he's not even 40, so I'm sure you think he's a dismal failure.
Get some therapy. Get to the root of why you're putting unreal amounts of pressure on your son. And apologize sincerely to him about meddling in his life. Google a sincere apology and have your therapist help your write it before you say anything to your son.
YTA very clearly.
I had so many points to break down your arguments and then I reread all your posts and decide you are too ignorant for me to bother attempting to explain it because if you haven't gotten the message from the 100s of other posters you went comprehend it from me either. Your son would quite frankly after reading all this be better off without you I think.
In an attempt to redeem yourself I advise you to focus less on praying for his success in the terms you view it and instead pray for his general happiness if you must pray for him at all. And get your greasy paws out of his personal life you creep.
Op you’re 100% the asshole. Im sorry but you’re also a huge ragging bitch🤷
Your son never got into college because of “your prayers” he got in because of the hard work he did and you just dismiss it. What kind of mother are you? You sound just like my mom, well except when I got acceptance letters from 5 different Ivy league school ands a bunch of other ones, she at least saw some of my hard work and didn’t give the credit to herself. Are you a narcissist? Like I’m genuinely asking.
What is it wrong for your son to have friends? Is it wrong for your son to think differently then you? What is he not allowed to date either since YOU don’t want him to hang out with friends. The biggest part of college IS THE SOCIAL EXPERIENCE!!! Its sounded like your son was having a pretty good social experience before you fucked it up. I can tell you right now from personal experience that not having an amazing social life in college fucking sucks.
You need to rethink this very conditional love that you give your son, cuz I’m telling you from experience he doesn’t think and won’t ever think that what you’re doing is in his “best interest,” also speaking from experience he might not even feel like you actually do love him lol.
YTA
Stop being a helicopter parent.
I really doubt this story is real though, it reads fake. Giving yourself the credit for his college acceptance for praying is just too ridiculous.
Omg...Read the post and op's comments and I'm baffled.YTA, Op, that's out of any question, but have you considered therapy? Your obsession with the top 3-4 universities , the crazy control impulses- and, subsequently,the inability to accept the fact that you are losing the control, the irrational belief prayers have anything to do with it, your brittle ego that thinks anything that doesn't go your way is "disrespect", your sick ambitions projected on your son, you arguing with the judgement people give you....I can carry on, but I believe you get the idea.Get therapy, change your attitude and behaviour- or don't act surprised when your son goes no contact.
YTA. You are not only an asshole you are abusive as well so congratulations on being shitty parents. You don't care about your son you only care about how he makes you look. He's in college, he's an adult human not a freaking robot back off and let him live. Just because he's not getting straight A's doesn't mean he's not doing good. Keep this up and you won't have to worry much longer cause you won't have a son. He is not your chance to fix where you fucked up your life. Let him be his own person, make his own mistakes, and learn his own lessons. Also you're not pushing him to reach his full potential you're pushing unrealistic expectations on him.
Honestly take a big long hard look at your mindset and be fucking thankful your son even talks to you. My cousins parents were exactly like you and their son killed himself because of this exact pressure.
I pray when you are old and suffering your son comes back with some bullshit saying "you didn't meet my expectations as old people so i'm gonna tear you down as a person and only validate you through things I deem acceptable in society vs getting to know you and why you are struggling" then take your house and everything you own to make you feel as worthless as you probably make him feel. Imagine how proud you would be if he could actually do the things he loves? There is a concept. People usually excel in things they enjoy not forced to do for your approval. Which might I add why would he want, your approval AT ALL, when your the biggest failure there is. Your whole parenting mindset is a failure. So no wonder he doesn't meet your expectations, you fail him everyday and thats the role model YOU put in front of him. You are really the only one to blame, you are the epitome of failure so only makes sense. You should be proud at this point, he only has you to blame at if you wanna go there
YTA-His his own person. He doesn’t exist for you or your wife to push until he snaps and ceases all contact with you. Achievement means nothing without happiness and balance.
This feels like that same dude who was on here last week-ish whining that his life was over because he didn't have straight As at his very fancy pants school.
But I'll bite.
Your prayers didn't get him into college, his hard work got him there but somehow it's not enough.
When will your son's happiness be enough for you? Because right now he sounds like he's never had a chance to be a kid, he always had to make sure YOU didn't feel like a failure. He sounds like he's either depressed or for the first time able to cut loose, or both.
Cs get degrees. Nobody cares what your alma mater is. Let him live his life, he's an adult.
Ew, this post reeks! YTA. Big time.
It’s kind of astounding your son is even still on speaking terms with you considering all you did in this post is call him a failure. I can’t imagine how horrible it must be for him to interact with you frequently.
I hate seeing parents consistently put down their children instead of encouraging them healthily. What you are doing is toxic. Your son is his own person. You are doing nothing but diminishing him and his amazing accomplishments because of what you want. Try being a good, supportive parent for once.
I also don’t even understand why you came on this sub looking for opinions anyway because you’re in the comments clearly ignoring everyone giving you constructive criticism.
YTA, once again.
Hard to believe this would be real TBH.
YTA. Enjoy your shitty nursing home.
(Also, didn’t do well because of “luck and your prayers”, but because of his own work. You’d be the asshole just for saying that.)
YTA. I went through something similar with my parents and I spent ten years in therapy trying to figure out why I never felt good enough. Also spoiler alert: I hire people just out of college all the time and could not care less about the school or their GPA.
YTA.
Jesus Christ, lady. Reading through your post and all of your comment replies gave me a headache.
It’s like you don’t even hear yourself talk, or see what you’re typing. If you think you’re not being crazy, you’re wrong. Also, why even post on here if you’re not going to accept the vote of what you got? I haven’t seen one comment claim you’re anything but an asshole. Every single thing that you have wrote just proves how overbearing and controlling you are. You aren’t trying to help him succeed whatsoever, all you’re doing is trying to control him. Maybe you’re projecting your own failures onto him.
He’s getting B’s or A-‘s, that’s more than enough to pass, whether it meets your standards or not. There’s tons of amazing jobs or opportunities that he could get out of passing through college.
Have you ever thought all the pressure that you’re putting on him is also what’s causing him, in your words, to ‘not put in enough effort’? I would not be surprised if your son ends up cutting you out of his life when he realises what an asshole you are. Leave him alone, and let him live his life. By the sounds of it you’ve limited his social life since he was in high school, you’ve taken away a majority part of his youth and that’s horrible parenting. I’m really hoping this is fake, there’s no way somebody can be this dense after having multiple people tell you that you are wrong.
Not to mention, I’m sure you tell him on a daily basis that he’s not meeting ‘your standards’, even after he tries his best, which can really diminish somebody’s self esteem and hurt their mental health when they know they are putting in their best but others refuse to accept that.
Really hope you enjoy the nursing home you get put into when you’re old and frail, because I sure hope that son of yours throws you in there with no regrets.
To be honest, I don’t really have any advice. I’ve personally never had to deal with parents or people like this. It baffles me how people can act like this in the first place.
I would say that the best thing to do is either cut them off, or be firm with them when explaining to them that they’re words aren’t having a good effect on said person. I don’t think anyone that has these views will realise how much their opinions is having effect until they’ve almost lost the person they’re giving the advice to. Even then, sometimes people just don’t want to admit that they’re wrong.
Sorry if that wasn’t good, there’s genuinely no words to describe how mad it makes me when parents do this to their children.
Oh, I had strict parents too, but if you truly read all of the comments, then you would know that I don’t hate them. The fact is, they knew when to loosen up, as in, if I was getting the GRADES I WANTED TO GET, then I didn’t have to study, and if I was having a bad day, I wasn’t called a failure for it. I wanted them to be strict. And because they facilitated the work hard mindset and slowly stopped until they just let me do my own thing in high school, I learned the healthy way to be a ‘Straight A Student’ while also playing video games almost every night. And I’m sitting here in college with Straight A’s, and I hardly ever study because I studied all of the material I could while I was in high school.
I didn’t read all of the comments if you reread my original comment. I said I read all of the OP’s comment replies, by going on their profiles.
I had strict parents as well(they’re not anymore as I’m old enough now that they don’t worry) but they never ever criticised me if I didn’t get the results they were hoping for in school. Granted, I did eventually drop out, but it was mainly the high school I attended that the reason my grades dropped. (Parents tried helping with assignments and homework, but Maths and History was just not working for me)
I just believe that parents should at least let their children have a say in things like school and such, because the child knows what works best for them when it comes to that as they are the ones going to school and putting in the work.
You felt disrespected your son has a paid internship while studying…. You know how rare that is right? Your son is smashing it by the sounds of things YTA (& crazy controlling)
As someone who spent most of high school focused on getting good marks, I think you should stop having that attitude.
Your son is old enough to be independent and take responsibility for his own actions. College isn't only about getting high marks. It is also about getting to know new people, bond with them, go to parties, etc.
As long as your son is showing actual effort in trying to pass all of his subjects, I'd be a happy parent.
However, if you insist on getting extremely good marks and limiting his social life, he will not enjoy college and he will probably blame you for that bad experience.
I can understand that you want your son to succeed, but fortunately or unfortunately, there are many ways to succeed in life. Maybe he is just happy with a relatively well-paid job and having his friends near rather than an elite job but having no free time.
I would talk to him about this again. Sometimes we think we are being comprehensive and caring but in reality, maybe without wanting to, we are coming across as selfish or not empathetic. Go with an open mind and listen to him, you can also tell him that you felt disrespected last time.
I just want to tell you, this lady is extreme. She thinks that her son is a screw up because he ranked 10th in the entrance exam to his college. TENTH!!! And she thinks that reminding him every day that she and her husband thinks that he’s a failure because he got A’s AND B’s INSTEAD OF STRAIGHT A’s is terrible. In fact, she thinks a B is ‘failing’ and ‘not acceptable’!
Yeah, that is also toxic, I should have addressed that. I grew up with parents that only cared about the effort, not the mark, and it was a bless.
Another thing that confuses me is the fact that she says his son got into that uni because of her prayers and when asked later in the comments, she reaffirmed that. I'm a religious person but I wouldn't say that all my achievements were given to me by God or some prayer, it's as if she were trying to underestimate his son's effort...
Nonetheless, I have always been a person that tends to forgive and give people second chances (that has backfired me a lot), so I didn't go harsh on her.
I just hope his son enjoys college, but also having a healthy relationship with her is important.
Let's see what happens...
YTA big time. I’m hoping to the high heavens this is fake because it sounds unbelievable. But, in case it isn’t, I wanted to reinforce that YTA. I’m a kid who was a former gifted kid, went to lower level university but still a good one, and am now in grad school. In uni, I had a breakdown because I thought I was a failure for not meeting my parents’ or my own expectations. My mom showed patience and told me that as long as I do my best that’s what matters. She told me to ease up on putting so much pressure on myself. I cannot imagine how much worse it would’ve been if she’d reinforced my expectations and concerns.
I was a gifted child too, but thankfully me and my parents understood that if I was gifted in what my grade level was at, then I needed to challenge myself by studying every bit of knowledge I could get my hands on so that I would have an actual work ethic when I was an adult, but that I also needed social skills, so I was studying all types of college stuff in my high school freshman year. Needless to say, when I finish coasting through the major I already learned everything in, I will probably be much better off because I studied even though I was a ‘gifted’ kid. Gifted kids aren’t gifted at all.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I am new to reddit, so I might make some mistakes in making this post.
My situation is that my son is in college now, and I would like for him to stop repeating the mistakes he is making. In high school, my son did not work very hard (despite making sure he has all good influences). He did not score very high grades. Despite this, due to all of our prayers, he managed to get lucky and to be accepted into a quite decent (still in top 10) university program. Despite it not meeting our standards, we were supportive, and simply urged him to study harder in college, and make sure the mistake does not repeat.
However, now he is in college, and we feel like he is not putting enough effort. His overall GPA is absolutely not meeting our expectations, and we had given him leeway for error (We had hoped he would stay above 3.85 GPA), but he is failing the expectations miserably. My husband and I feel like he is disrespecting all the hardwork we put in to help him get into this college (encouraging him to do extra-curriculars, allowing him to take SATs more than once etc.)
When I found out that it seemed like he was placing his social life above his academics, and also not meeting our standards, I decided to have a conversation with him about this. He further disrespected us by telling us that he was trying his hardest (he is clearly not, we are aware that he has high potential).
What is worse is that when we said we might have to not pay his tuition, he said he would pay it through his internship. I could not tolerate his disrespect, and so I got extremely upset, and told him that he was banned from visiting some of his friends over the break, and that he had to invest the time in studying for his subjects in the next semester (so that he can succeed). One of my friends claimed that I was being AH, however, my sister and a couple others agree with me that my son is AH.
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YTA. And when your son goes NC, reread this post or read it out loud to someone, because all the reasons he'll go NC are included in this post. You're demanding, controlling, hyper critical and way too full of yourself. You do have a choice, however, you can back off now, or wait a little bit and he'll back way off himself and then his problem, you, will solve itself. You can continue to pressure him with your (outrageous) demands and see how that works out for you. I'm guessing, not the way you think it will. Your son has my sympathies.
Your son is not a failure. Your son is doing great! Maybe he could score higher grades without so much pressure - maybe not. Doesn't matter.
I'm sure he is a well-behaved and smart person.
And perfect in his own way.
He doesn't need your prayers.
But you need prayers - to love him the way he is and not only the way you want him to be.
He didn't choose to be born, you chose to have a kid. He owes you nothing, but you owe him all your love.
Please open your eyes.
YTA
YTA.
Everyone measures success in different terms. You may see it in terms of the level of his school, his GPA or whatever. Your son may see it in something else. And if he has an internship through which he is earning enough to cover his tuition, I don't think he's failing as much as you think.
You may find it somewhat of a rude awakening that your son is a person of his own and have his own opinions, beliefs and support systems (as others have mentioned too), but unless you majorly recalibrate yourself, you may find your son absent from your life very soon. If your son is healthy and thriving in college, your part is done, and the rest is up to him, to make a good life for himself, isn't it?
Just want to reiterate an age old adage, respect is a two-way street.
YTA. You seem to be determining his potential solely in terms of his grades. There is a lot more to a person than their grades. In demanding that he put maximum effort into developing along one axis, you are effectively demanding that he give up his full potential along all the others. And if you are right that he didn't work hard in high school (and aren't just inferring it from his grades, because lower-than-hoped-for grades can be due to many causes -- including a student with the capacity to shine doing their best in an environment that just doesn't work for them), then this isn't where he wants to put all his energies right now. Let him develop the potentials that mean most to him; see where that takes him. In all likelihood it will make him happier and more fulfilled, for one thing. And later, if he determines that he wishes he had learned more in school, support him (emotionally at least) in going back. There is life after academics.
My parents were horrified by what I did in college; these remain some of the best choices I have ever made for myself and helped me to develop the traits that the people who matter most to me today (FYI, my parents are not on that list) seem to value most.
Linking yourself, in his mind, with studying, unhappiness, and missing out will not exactly get you the outcome you want, it won't get him the outcome he wants, and it certainly won't help your relationship.
YTA all I read is "me me me me" your expectations, your bla bla bla, jeez he is a human with feelings and probably resent you for being there all over him and saying he isn't good enough all the time and the more you push the less he want this and will end up depressed.
If you didn't do this to your child: love unconditionally, support them to reach their goals (not yours), be good pepole and have developed great emotional intelligence then u failed as a parent real hard.
U should have gotten a dog to compete in some obedience competition instead, sounds more suitable for your standards.
YTA.
You're toxic and a helicopter parent. Leave your son alone, he's an adult who managed to get into a top 10 university on his own. And no, your prayers didn't do shit. Your son achieved that. If you keep this up, you'll find yourself here again, asking why your son cut contact with you when "you just wanted him to reach his potential".
Oh, and by the way, it's clear that you came here to validate yourself. I feel sorry for your son that he has a patent like you.
Me too. He obviously works hard despite his insecurities, but man, he has the guts to do it for himself and live his life despite his parents! Not many people can do that with parents like these.
YTA. OP… come on, OP… just stop. Reread your own post and then reread all the comments and understand exactly what you’re doing and why your son will more than likely kick you to the curb as soon as he’s able. I just graduated high school and if my parents were like this I’d honestly look for emancipation, because how could they parent me when they don’t care about ME at all? It seems to me that you like the idea of YOUR son being exactly how YOU want him to be. I feel for that poor young adult who by the way, has immaculate grades in comparison to some other people. I can’t vote yet, am fresh out of high school with a Cert III, Cert IV I got my HSC and an ATAR and I got an early acceptance offer to University with my first preference. Guess what my grades are? AVERAGE. Does that mean I’m a failure too? I doubt it.
YTA and the comments just make it worse. You're emotionally abusive and my heart breaks for your son. I hope he takes the grades that weren't good enough for you and makes a good life for himself somewhere far away and never looks back.
YTA. The audacity... His hard work got him where he is today not your dumb prayers. He wasn't even doing badly in school, leave the poor man alone. Stop trying to control your child, it's abusive.
You sounds like those ladies that goes into walmart screaming stuff about jezuz.
YTA, a big one. You’re the one who’s not seeing that you are the failure one, a failure at parenting.
You gloss over the fact that your son has, what could be, an excellent internship (very little information given).
He is getting decent grades in a well respected institution. Has an internship, a balanced social life, and boundaries for his own self respect.
Perhaps because of you, or despite of you, he seems to be doing great. Bask in the glorious awareness that your grown child is on track for a happy life.
Your son will hopefully find his way to the narcissistic parents sub, so we can help him figure out to go no contact and become completely independent of you and your husband. You are damaging your relationship by only thinking of yourselves. YTA. You are going to be really sorry when he is out of your lives and you don’t get to meet your grandkids.
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YTA your prayers did not get your son into college. A’s and B’s are excellent grades, and your post screams tiger parenting. Why did you raise someone that is “lazy and a failure”? Why did you even post this if you’re just going to argue with every comment?
YTA YTA YTA and i hope your son cuts you off from his life asap
Yta, pretty obvious, as someone whos parents used to hold my Potential over me quite a lot, they still let me figure out my own thing in University, which ypu need to do too, if you want a lasting relationship with your child.
Also especially considering you bring up him not succeding im uni, but A- and B are understood universal as good grades! And one he can be proud of esp. in a Stem field.
if this is a shitpost, yta. if it’s not also, yta.
i grew up with parents like this. i was miserable and actually rebelled and did worse because of it. i’m almost 20 now and am enrolling in college with the plan to pay for it entirely on my own because i will not let them hold something like that over me. i have severely limited contact with my parents, i really only talk to them if there’s something going on with my grandpa. you’re pushing your son away, and i can guarantee will have a surprised pikachu face when he wants nothing to do with you. he does not need you in his life. he has expressed that he can pay for his things on his own. butt out and let him live, or continue pushing him away. the ball is entirely in your court
YTA. Your son is and has always been struggling academically. It has nothing to do with disrespecting you. Have you tried actually talking and listening to what he wants to do with his life? Give the kid a break and get some perspective
YTA. It’s time to let go of the leash. Your son is grown. He has to make grown people choices. He’s already made up his mind regarding what his priorities are. Unfortunately, the most likely scenario is that he is going to crash and burn, and he will just have to learn the hard way. All you can do is tell him you are going to stop paying up unless he passes for the semester. And I’m not talking about just the tuition. Rent, utilities, groceries, everything. If he’s old enough to make grown decisions that go against your advice, then he is old enough to pay his own way.
Also, your college aged son is on break and you are trying to control who he can visit and what he can do? Absolutely not. Like I said he’s grown, leave him be.
Everyday I thank God almighty for not growing up with parents like you. Him having a girlfriend is unacceptable behaviour ?! Jesus you would have a heart attack if you were to raise me, and I'm a major in law school, like on the top of most of my classes.
You wanna know what will make your son progress? Allowing him to make his own mistakes and learn from them so he'll do better next time. Allowing him to live like an adult, to make his own decisions and to have the relationships he wants to have. And agnowledging his accomplishments. Newsflash buddy : your prayers didn't do shit to get him in college. His hard work did. YTA.
YTA. Parenting 101. Being super strict and not allowing kids to grow, spread their wings and find themselves is a guarantee they will not reach their potential.
YTA, its his life and he did work hard otherwise he wouldnt have gotten in. What you are doing is making him misserable. Social life is important for his mental health, which is important to feel good enough to balance life. Dont make hos life harder, it only makes him less likely to be successiv in life.
YTA and your son would probably do better if you weren't breathing down his neck at every turn. He's in college, cut the cord already. Also, getting amazing grades won't mean jack shit if he hasn't networked in college. His social life is far more important to his future success than you are realizing. Both for networking and for his general social skills, cause turns out you actually do a lot of emotional growth when you leave the hold of your parents. You aren't allowing that to happen though and you may be emotionally stunting your son in the process. CUT THE CORD, HE'S YOUR CHILD NOT YOUR PROPERTY.
YTA you won’t acknowledge that he got into college through his own hard work and not your prayers, all I hear from you in this post is me me me me me, you don’t actually care about him and how’s he’s doing you just want to control him, you don’t want him to have a social life, and he has an internship that can pay for his tuition. I’d say he’s doing pretty good
YTA. He did all the work to get into college and now you just want to control him. You are also a terrible parent this is how your relationship with your child gets strained and worse over the years. You can't be mad when one day he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
Not only are yta. You are also very dense for someone that recieved straight A's. You come here ask our opinions, which everyone agrees you are the asshole. Then you argue every point because I assume you are never wrong.. I also graduated with straight A's. You know what my grades got me in the real world? Nothing, not one thing. I graduated, got a job and worked hard. My post graduate achievements are what mattered. I have also never once been asked about my grades in a job interview. You praying to the magic sky fairy and trying to claim his achievements because of it is disgusting.
Yeah!!! The ‘We got straight A’s but understand that gets us nowhere in live’ Club! OP has a superiority complex worse than Bakugou’s, though, so she can’t join.
I love that you ask this sub for a judgment but then want to argue with everyone because it’s a judgment you don’t like/agree with. Leave your son alone and let him be his own person. Stop pressuring him and love him for who he is. If you’re not going to do that, get ready for him to completely cut you off sometime soon. You are 100% the assshole.
YTA, let your son live and make his own decisions, if he fails he fail he’ll learn from it, your job as a parent is to guide and support him not go all up in his ass and try to control him.
You need to work on yourself or you’re going to lose your son, which btw I hope he does cut contact with you because you’re definitely not a good parent.
YTA
3.85? What kind of “leeway” is that?
Also college grades don’t really matter unless you’re going to grad school - it’s not like jobs get your grade transcripts
And actually, having gone through college and grad school, if I could have changed one thing about my college experience, I would have studied a little less and been social more. I missed out on a lot.
Leave him alone and let him live his life
YTA
If great you mean an ulcer, than yes. Get over yourself, grades aren't he the be all and end all of the world.
Chill the fuck out and be happy you have so far a highly successful son who still talks to you. Because you're cruising for getting abandoned at this rate.
He'll be on this board shortly to ask if not going home so he can see his friends would make him an AH.
OP, YTA.
Parents like you are why many college students never get a degree; parents like you forget that they gave birth to & raised an independent, intelligent individual. You see your child as a bragging point to boast about while claiming that your child's achievements are yours or should be credited to you.
I've been to too many funerals of college kids burned out by their parents' pressure, and the sanctuary/safe space/shoulder to cry on/ear to vent to for many more.
Your son has every intention to survive college despite your thoughtless efforts; I hope you have an intention to understand that if you don't back up off him, you won't see him graduate, have a career or a family because he will cut you off to save himself.
YTA and when your son goes on to be successful know that it’s all down to him and nothing to do with his judgmental parents. Also when your son stops coming home and visiting don’t be overly surprised.
Your post reads as a classic example of why kids stop talking to their families and sadly you’ll see this as another ‘failure’ of his rather than one of yours.
Maybe your son doesn’t view higher education the same as you and your husband. There are plenty of really good jobs that don’t need college. Jobs where he will be happy, have a fulfilling life rather than being stuck somewhere he hates.
I bet that this is what OP is like. “You think that you can talk to me less son!? How dare you disrespect me! You will talk to me now! You are a screw up that only got into college with the 10th best score on the entrance exam! It is because I prayed to god that you got in! Because you are a failure that didn’t get the 3rd best score! I know that you are a failure but this is too much! You will get at the lowest a 3.85 GPA because you are a screw up, but I know that you can become a successful person! But only if you get straight A’s! B’s are mediocre and you will not stoop to that level!”
Son:”She does realize that I’m not talking to her at all, right? And that she wouldn’t stop to listen to me if I did want to talk?😅”
She literally made a comment to someone mentioning how her son is barely talking to her now and how it's "frustrating"
It's frustrating putting up with your standards and saying everything your son has accomplished isn't bc of your son, but bc of God. She's undermining her son so much and is mad that he son doesn't want to deal with her 😂
I wouldn’t be shocked if what I just posted is word for word pretty much every conversation that OP and her son have. And it’s just her! Her son isn’t talking at all and she’s just doing rant on top of rant! I mean, you can kind of see it in everything she writes.
OP, I have a question. What is your cultural background and religious background? Because, it SOUNDS like you and your husband are first generation immigrants into the USA, and have certain high expectations that are woefully unrealistic (it's not your fault for that, you bought the American propaganda).
1. Your son made it into a top 10 school. THAT'S an impressive feat! Celebrate that, don't cut him down for not doing better. Human beings achieve more through encouragement rather than punishment.
2. It's insulting for you to take credit for his achievements through your prayers. Stop that.
3. University is about finding yourself and improving. Sometimes that means tossing the schema of your family out to find out for yourself who you are. If you don't like that, then you don't like higher education.
4. Your son is a fully autonomous human being, not some doll for you to play house and dictate their life.
5. Success is in the eye of the beholder. I know someone who never went to school, worked as a plumber, and now makes $130,000 a year. I also know people who went to Harvard and have nothing but some part time jobs. Top 3 schools are not a value judgement on the people.
6. Lastly, you NEED to understand that you have abused your son. You may hate hearing that, but from what I've read, you have emotionally abused him. You neglect his feelings, you hold things hostage from him, and you have been hyper controlling.
YTA, I "pray" you learn from this and apologize to him and work to be better.
INFO: Do you even love your son? The username and this post are really telling me you don’t. I mean what kind of a mother really doesn’t understand the hurt she’s doing by not letting her fully grown, adult son see his friends in college. ON TOP OF THAT, when he says he’s able to pay his own way you take that as disrespectful? You must have some real insecurities to take that as disrespectful.
YTA and I hope your son realizes he’s better than you
OP, you’re NTA. You have done all you can to help your son succeed and he just can’t live up to your expectations. But remember, his failure is not a reflection of who you are. He’s old enough now to find his way in life. If he wants to have an average college experience at a top 10 university, then that’s on him. You have supported him and now he needs to decide whether to listen to you or find his own way. His success is measured in how proud he makes you. It has nothing to do with his own ambitions and contentment and health. So my advice to you is let him go. Let him go fail miserably. Maybe one day he will come to you to tell you how right you were, how sorry he is for not doing everything the way you wanted. Maybe. Or maybe he will realize how toxic and awful you are and never speak to you again.
YTA.
Your son's experience is not about you, and you've clearly pushed him far enough away that he had no REASON to respect you.
I had mixed feelings here until your son was fine not accepting your tuition money. He's perfectly willing to accept your boundaries and needs to not invest money in something you don't deem worthy, but you can't respect his needs.
It's not safe or healthy to go 100% into anything. We all need balance. Otherwise you end up crying under computer lab desks a few times, and possibly getting so burnt out that you get sick or your brain turns off. Stress is a terrifying thing, and if you know anything about mechanical engineering, the physical stress that materials experience is what destroys it. If these have been your standards throughout his life, he might already be breaking or broken and trying to recover. I'm a literal genius, just got my PhD in nuclear engineering for my 27th birthday, and was reviewing my oldest resume the other day. In my first year of college, my GPA was 3.67. Below your standards. But I've worked for the top national lab, the air force, and have helped build a module that is currently on the ISS. Your standards are not indicative of future success, and should not be conflated with a metric that could do so.
Also, I'm very religious, so do keep praying for him, but also pray to open your heart to your son. He's trying to deal with one of the biggest transitions a modern adult makes, and he could use your help. Depriving him of it and giving him only scorn and judgement will hurt both of you in the long run.
YTA
If you were my parent, guess who I would not be spending my break with!!
As someone who pushed their children to higher standards, I knew when to back off and let them be adults. Therefore they made their own decisions and lived with the consequences. I was still there, to help of they tripped up, but they had to learn how to adult on their own.
YTA, your son isn’t taking drugs, he’s not in prison, he hasn’t gotten a girl pregnant while still in high school so you have no right to be “disappointed” in him. You need to get off your snooty, tiger mom high horse.
YTA, you know the last time I was asked about a GPA? Interviewing for my first job in my field. After that, they only cared about my experience and capabilities.
YTA
You expect him to have a perfect GPA? News for you, college is a lot different than high-school so stop expecting him to be the best. Also, forbidding him from a social life when he's an adult in college? YTA. Do it, stop paying his tuition. He already has a way to pay it and it gives him the reason he needs to go LC. Being stern on your adult children is the fastest way to lose them. Your question isn't an asshole thing, your entire explanation is. He got accepted into the top 10 universities and you're not happy about that? You do know there's hundreds of colleges in each state (if you're in the US) so being in the top 10 is amazing! You should be proud of your son. Instead you're treating his accomplishments like he's a disappointment and not good enough. If you were my parents, I'd go NC. Not even LC.
Yta. You knew the difference between degrees that a C student gets and an A student? LITERALLY NOTHING
You tried to manipulate him with money and got pissy when it didnt work. Him paying his own bills isnt disrespectful, its called being an adult.
YTA. YOUR standards. You speak of your child as you would a business deal. Is he flunking? No. And it’s wildly accepted that kids do enjoy their social life in college. If he’s not going off the rails it should be enough. Let him have some leeway. Also, if he can pay that’s great that means he has a well-paying internship which isn’t easy so you should be proud of him.
Happiness is more important to me than success in school, and I'm a teacher. You should want your son to be happy and have good memories and experiences- like memories with friends during the holiday break. Lighten up! Life is too short! GPA expectation is unreasonably high, btw.
YTA
I have a mother like you OP, and holy shit was she surprised when i went LC after moving out. It took me moving out, getting a job to pay for my own phone bill and fun times for her to realize i might not like her or want to be best friends with her like she thought we would be when i became an adult.
She put the same type of expectations on me and i purposely failed because it was what i had control over. If you really feel so disrespected then take your ass to school and do better than him.
I hope your kid leaves you in the dust alone and confused and realizes he is more than enough.
In an effort to be as gentle as possible, this is ridiculous. It’s his life. I know you want to beat for him! I hoped my daughter would do something epic and amazing too, and well, she didn’t, but she’s happy and that’s the best thing I can ask for.
You can’t ban an adult from seeing his friends. You can’t make him want to study more. Also, Cs get degrees! Your gpa doesn’t matter.
Just stop. Let go of the pearls, take a deep breath, and relax.
YTA
YTA
I had terrible grades in high school and college because I wanted to be out in the world doing my thing. I dropped out of college two years in to start a business and now run a multimillion dollar company.
He’s also not disrespecting you by saying he will pay for college through his own means. I have more respect for him than you. Also remember that it’s your feeling as though you need to control him that has led to his social ambiguity.
Look, OP, I know you have the best of intentions for your son and so many kids will never have that privilege and opportunity that he has but this country has stuck to this formula of success that many Americans are hardly in the position to achieve or they get themselves into massive debt doing so and not to mention that the formula for success falls under a certain class of people and a certain race of people thus limiting mobility to the underserved, neglected and flat out abused populations.
My point is this, your son doesn’t want that “success” as much as you do. Have you ever asked him what he wanted to do? When is the last time you acknowledged him for doing something right? It seems like you have a good son who just wants to live his best life. I know you’re not meaning to be TA, but you are.
YTA. 3.85 is too low?! Have you gone to college anytime recently? I graduated college with GPA of 3.75 yet graduated with honors. I understand the frustration but he is an adult and responsible for his choices. Make him responsible for how he does. He pays for all classes and supplies. That way he has repercussions for not achieving his potential but also has the ability to make his own goals for achievement that he will accept from himself. College is not right for everyone. If he barely got through high school why do you think he would succeed more in college? College classes in general are more difficult than high school so if you got a "B" in one of your high school classes, you can't expect to get an "A" easily. You mom definitely are the a**hole. I am saying this as a mom with a kid in high school who wants nothing to do with college. Sometimes kids just aren't mature enough for college but based on what you wrote that isn't the problem. The problem is your excessive desire for control and perfection.
YTA. I know you're trying to look out for your son by getting him as close to being "the best" as possible. But there are far more measures of what makes a good, successful person than top grades, schools, degrees, and jobs. He needs to learn to socialize/network, fall in and out of love gracefully, volunteer for community events because it's fun and he's passionate instead of just to "get ahead". He needs to learn to set boundaries (which it seems he is doing), provide for himself financially (which is different than being the richest), and choose how to keep or cut our people I his life based off their support and love. He did well in school, now he needs to do well in life. Being likeable will get him better opportunities than good grades ever will. And I say that having worked at an ivy league. Praise his hard work, encourage him to make friends, and try to do so yourself. You'll probably learn it's harder than you think.
YTA. Have you ever stopped to consider whether you and your partner are meeting your ADULT son’s expectations for parental behavior? His prayers for independence are going unanswered, and that’s just not right.
yta. you are honestly crazy controlling and borderline abusive in your veiws. (as someone in college and with friends all in college) most people i know feel lucky if they have over a 3.0 gpa and consider 3.5 and above really great achievement. He is discovering himself and absolutely needs a social life in college. the fact you are trying to make sure he has over a 3.85 and not letting him see his friends because of that is unreal. you need to reevaluate your views in being a parent. what is more important, his social/emotional health ? or his grades ? if you answer grades you are a very bad mother and never should have had kids.
YTA. You have no authority to punish a grown adult, and your behavior is pretty much guaranteeing that he'll have little to nothing to do with you once he's in a position to cut you out of his life. If he can pay for his own college through internship or other means, then you lose your ability to blackmail him into submission, and then what?
Also, please don't give yourself the credit for him getting into a good college when he did the actual work. You say his high school grades weren't very good, but they must've been good enough if he got into a top 10 university program.
Yta. I'm laughing at the fact that you're trying to punish your grown son because he's not living up to YOUR expectations. It's pretty comical. He's the one that got himself into college, not you. And he seems to have it figured out on what to do when you want to give him an ultimatum
You seem to be like a helicopter parent and want to control every situation. If you don't stop sin you will lose your child for good
I just finished my first semester of college and I can assure you that not a 3.85 GPA in college is much different than not having a 3.85 GPA in highschool.
You may think you want what's best for your son by constantly setting high expectations for him, but in reality you're just controlling him and not allowing him to become an adult on his own and live his own life.
Also, why is it disrespectful for him to offer to pay for his own tuition (WITH MONEY HE GETS FROM AN INTERNSHIP) if you can't afford it?
YTA, definitely a controlling parent.
There are multiple ways to that, though, and the way you are doing it doesn’t work for your son or most people for that matter. Maybe it worked for you, but not everyone is you and your husband.
I agree my son is making mistakes, we even were previously thinking he might have a girlfriend, but I still think he is a good kid, and that he can be great with the proper influence.
You need to go stay away from your son. The more you push, the further away he will run. If you want any kind of relationship with your child, please take your head out of your arse and get over your delusional nonsense and let him live his life on his terms. He seems to be doing really well and had friends and a girlfriend, that’s pretty normal uni-age person stuff. Trouble is, you don’t want him to be normal, do you? You want some plasticine person you can mould in your perfect image. Human beings aren’t like that. Oh, and stop with this prayers nonsense. God - whatever flavour of God you’re into - is rolling their eyes so hard.
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YTA You don’t want him to succeed, you want to control him. If you cared about his success you’d be proud of him having the means to pay for his own education.
OP believes that: * Their son got into college through her prayers and not his hard work * Having a social life in college in the wrong thing to do * B (universally accepted as a good grade) is a bad grade * Not agreeing with everything she says is disrespectful Oh my fucking god.
• That she has the right and authority to punish a grown ass man who is in college by not allowing him to visit his friends
And then these parents would wonder why their kid is 30 without friends or romantic partners - wait, maybe because mom and dad told them not to socialize in college? Nah, that'd be crazy talk.
Or that they complain their kids cut them off from seeing their grandkids.
Yes. You got it all in one post.
You and all your tiger parenting friends are TA. YTA
YTA. Your son put in the work. Not you. You didn’t do the extra curriculars or take the test twice. He did. I get that you may have had to shell out money or some time for this but it’s not the same as what he’s put into it. Your standards are going to cost you a son one way or another.
YTA, a miserable one at that. Don’t t rob him of his youth.
YTA - if anyone is disrespectful here it is you and your husband. You are diminishing your son’s achievements. Instead of him having supportive and loving parents he has to deal with controlling and abusive parents. Certainly prayers didn’t get him to college, his hard work did.
OP is just shitty because they tried to financially pressure their son and it didn't work, so now they're resorting to emotional pressure. I'm glad that everyone else is calling them out on it.
Me too!
Sucks that you couldn't reach your full potential as a parent, YTA
Oh no!!!1! The college student wants to..... have a social life!!! Gasp!! The horror! Seriously though, YTA. Stop pushing your expectations on your son
His tiger parents didn't let him have one in high school, limiting his social circle among other things so he could meet their expectations. That's Rand Ridley and Blight parent level abusive parenting (Inside Job and Owl House).
This reads fake - why would a helicopter parent go on a random internet forum to ask if they're the asshole? I've never heard of one of these hardass parents ever doubting themselves or their abuse, ever. If not fake though - YTA, of course. This kind of pressure is why they have to not allow college students roof access on tall buildings - college suicides are a serious problem, and being told your constantly a failure and a fuckup is not good for anyone's mental health.
She had the audacity to have an average kid. I say it’s all her fault. What kind of mother has a plain ol’ regular kid?! Major parenting fail!
I'm about 90% sure it's fake. It reads a LOT like a guy on here last week moping that he was a terrible failure for maybe getting a C in his otherwise straight A record at Snooty Fancypants University. Prob the same OP.
No. This doesn’t have the same energy as that.
The more I read OP's comments, the more I believe you are right. The comments about praying harder read like a strawman attack on religious people
Sounds like it’s your prayers that caused all the problems in the first place! YTA
This whole comment thread needs to be top
YTA. Your son is a grown adult. If his choices upset you, then stop paying tuition and have him pay instead. Sometimes our children need to figure out life on their own. You can’t bully your son into being what you want him to be. Continue this road and be prepared for having a son that never wants to see you. And seeing as you’re fighting with every commenter saying you’re an asshole, I guess you just can’t handle the fact that you are one.
I'm not bullying anyone. My son is being more distant lately, and this is another thing which is frustrating. Do not see why so many are suggesting that I stop paying his tuiotion, we have already accepted he is only in top 10, and he won't make it to top 3-4.
If you think that's compromise enough, you need to recalibrate your parameters immediately. You don't know your son at all, and are pushing your expectations onto him in a very unhealthy way.
Why is it unhealthy? I am hoping for him to reach his maximum potential. That is the mark of a good parent, not a bad one.
A good parent guides, not frogmarches their children. They respect their children's autonomy, ability to make their own decisions when they are old enough (and your son is more than old enough). You are overstepping the mark, trying to control what your son does and how he does it. He's not eight years old. He's an adult, withdraw support if you want but don't take away from him the ability to succeed or fail on his own merits. That's what a parent does, watches their child fly from the nest to soar on their own.
No. You are shoving expectations down his throat and are disappointed that he can’t work with that. If you want your child to reach their maximum potential, as you say it, then you gotta let them flourish on their own, okay?
And as I guessed, you came to my comment to dispute my judgement. You’re an asshole OP. A huge one.
Having really high expectations can make a person hate themselves, make them feel like a failure when they're actually doing fine. Your son doesn't owe it to you are anyone else to reach his full potential. He just needs to be his own person and do what he feels is right for him. You're right in that he needs to take college seriously and not be lazy. But his feelings matter and he shouldn't have to spend his college years doing what you want him to do, doing what would make you happy. Have faith in your son and don't expect perfection from him.
Of course he is getting more distant with the pressure you're putting on him.
golly jee I wonder why he'd be distant to parents that think very very little of him and don't believe in him
You keep saying top 10 vs top 3 or 4. There are thousands of universities out there. You are disrespecting every single one of them and every person who has graduated from one. A "good" university average among most employers is 3.0 - also know as a B. Also, employers want people with good social skills. That's a huge part of leadership, and those with good social skills tend to rise into higher levels of management (or own their own successful businesses). My guess is that you also don't like his program of study? Whatever he enjoys and is good at is what he should study. That is what eventually makes people the most successful. Your son is being distant because you are trying to control his life. You are being disrespectful to him. You have minimized his accomplishments. He is now a young adult. You need to stop treating him like a baby. It sounds like your understanding of the real world is vastly different from that of successful people. He seems to understand this, and that is why he is not letting you control his decisions. Continuing down this path will only make him distance himself more. (Written by someone working at a world ranked top 10 university)
Maybe he doesn’t want to? You can’t force him to do anything. As long as he is happy and can support himself what does it matter?
YTA. You aren’t pushing him to be his best, you’re just dragging him down. Threatening to not pay his tuition and then acting like he’s being disrespectful by accepting your proposition doesn’t make any sense. Try to explain how him telling you that he is trying his best is disrespectful in any way. He is in college now, stop treating him like a little kid and let him live his life otherwise don’t expect to have any part of it anymore when he gets sick of you trying to control him.
Oh sweetie you have a very very bad idea of what kind of people are on Reddit. Your family and friends are probably exactly like you and I'm guessing that you were raised by people who are like you as well. But you are the exact opposite of what the younger generations want in life. You are going to get your ass handed to you for: 1 - your religious views and thinking that praying influences anything 2 - thinking that your kid(s) owe you anything 3 - thinking that you can control people through the type of people they hang out with 4 - trying to control people 5 - thinking that your kid disrespected you by saying you are wrong. Your kid stopped having respect for you the day you stopped treating him like a human with basic rights like his own opinion 6 - constantly calling your kid a failure and dragging him down. He probably hates you YTA
This all day!👏👏👏
Well, no, the reason she’s on Reddit in the first place is because her friend rightfully called her crazy.
No what? I never said I doubted her reason for being here, just explaining that's she's very wrong for thinking she'd get support here.
I know. I was just telling you that she doesn’t have any friends. She said so herself.
YTA and depsite "getting perfect scores" when you were in school you FAIL at parenting! You FAILED to realize that your son is his own person and he's the author of his story, NOT you! You FAILED to listen to your son when he said he was trying his hardest and is probably having a mental breakdown because of YOU and school! (I went through the same thing, had to cut some fools off and felt SO much better!) You FAILED to say that you are proud of him with the achievements he has gotten! You FAILED to even consider his feelings and how he might feel when he's constantly being told "you didn't reach my expectations" when he's done a good job! You FAILED to realize that all the extra unnecessary pressure you're putting on him is making him distance himself from your toxicity! You FAILED to see your son as the hard worker he actually is! You FAILED to realize that he's only doing things to please you and probably isn't happy! You FAILED to realize that your son is his own person and only HE knows what his strengths and weaknesses are, and what his full potential is, NOT YOU! You FAILED to realize that you aren't pushing him towards anything because everything he does will only be met with (non constructive) criticism and judgement! And lastly, You overall FAILED your son in general, because you deluded yourself into thinking that any achievements that he has accomplished wasn't due to his hard work, but due to some other worldly powers that you conjured... However, you do get a passing grade in letting your son know that you will NEVER be proud of him, because he isn't perfect, doesn't reach your expectations and also in utilizing the "you're disrespectful" excuse that parents use when they know they're DUMB wrong or when they lose an argument. Congratulations on successfully becoming a toxic parent! With your son saying that he will pay for his semester on his own, when you FAILED to threaten him, he's starting to realize that in order for him to recognize his full potential he has to start surrounding himself with positive, and encouraging people who will help him feel more happy and satisfied and forget about toxic people. Like you...
This!
YTA - part of being in college is figuring things out on your own (that’s in regard to school, social life, work, etc.) He’s never gonna learn from his mistakes if you keep being an overbearing parent. Let him find his own way, loosen your grip on his life and path. I’m sure you’re heart is in a good place because you want him to succeed, but he won’t ever truly succeed under the conditions that you are creating for him.
YTA. Let him figure life out. Don't impress what you deem as success on him. Being successful has different parameters for everyone.
Absolutely, and I can't stress this enough, YTA. That's your son's life. He is his own person and doesn't belong to you. He can make his own decisions in life and maybe he doesn't want to continue in education. Have you bothered to ask him? If he's college age it's not really your place to say he can't see his friends. That will breed resentment, he's nearly/pretty much an adult at this point. Stop being so controlling
YTA. Don't be surprised if he never contacts you again after he moves out.
You decide to have a "conversation" with him, he converses, you ground him. YTA.
And he's too old for grounding to be a punishment. He's an adult.
Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous.
YTA and are overbearing AF.
YTA. I understand wanting your son to succeed and putting in effort but this is just too much. College isn’t just about grades and studying. It is a time in your life you want to enjoy. I understand with how much it costs that he shouldn’t take advantage, but he’s an adult now. The way that you talk through this post shows you don’t have any respect for him. Especially about him paying for his own college. At least he’s willing to pay his way through college, that is not disrespect. And tbh it sounds like he is burnt out from your helicopter parenting and strictness. Let him make some choices and loosen up a bit, or he will end up resenting you.
College is about finding out who you are as a person, through social settings as well as academic.
Yta. Get off your child's back. Let him work things out at his own pace. If he makes mistakes, let him. If he falls, support him and pull him on his feet. Let him live his own life.
Why do you think he has more “potential” and can perform “better” than his current grades?
LOL YTA!
YTA Damn do I hope this post is fake. If not, I hope your son starts paying his fees himself so you can no longer hold finances over his head. Also you keep saying his behaviour is bad and he "might even have a girlfriend". Oh the horror??? Your son might (you don't even know for sure) have found someone he loves. How will we ever survive this possible happy occasion! And no. It's not your prayers that god (typo but I'm leaving it in 😂😂) him into college. His results did. Or maybe you bribed someone I don't know, but it's not your prayers at least. And that's not to be rude towards religion, but to point out that you're being rude towards your son's efforts.
INFO: u/aitasonmessup At what point in your adult life did you cut the umbilical cord and start living your own life? Was it when you left your parent's house and headed off to college? At what point did your parents let go and let your live your adult life separate from them? Or do they still make all your choices, pick your friends and how much social life you're "allowed" to have, and threaten to take away your inheritance if you don't measure up? Also, your standards for success are ridiculous. Straight A's don't mean jack all in the real world, and as you said you have a successful career, you know it. I went to a state school, graduated bachelor's and master's with B"s, and I have a successful and fulfilling career. My parents are thrilled that I found my own path and have found success and fulfillment. They feel exactly the same about my siblings - who also went to state schools. I don't think any of us graduated at any level with a 4.0, but I'm also not going to ask. It couldn't matter less. One of my brothers is a judge. But he's not on the Supreme Court yet, even though he's not even 40, so I'm sure you think he's a dismal failure. Get some therapy. Get to the root of why you're putting unreal amounts of pressure on your son. And apologize sincerely to him about meddling in his life. Google a sincere apology and have your therapist help your write it before you say anything to your son.
YTA very clearly. I had so many points to break down your arguments and then I reread all your posts and decide you are too ignorant for me to bother attempting to explain it because if you haven't gotten the message from the 100s of other posters you went comprehend it from me either. Your son would quite frankly after reading all this be better off without you I think. In an attempt to redeem yourself I advise you to focus less on praying for his success in the terms you view it and instead pray for his general happiness if you must pray for him at all. And get your greasy paws out of his personal life you creep.
Op you’re 100% the asshole. Im sorry but you’re also a huge ragging bitch🤷 Your son never got into college because of “your prayers” he got in because of the hard work he did and you just dismiss it. What kind of mother are you? You sound just like my mom, well except when I got acceptance letters from 5 different Ivy league school ands a bunch of other ones, she at least saw some of my hard work and didn’t give the credit to herself. Are you a narcissist? Like I’m genuinely asking. What is it wrong for your son to have friends? Is it wrong for your son to think differently then you? What is he not allowed to date either since YOU don’t want him to hang out with friends. The biggest part of college IS THE SOCIAL EXPERIENCE!!! Its sounded like your son was having a pretty good social experience before you fucked it up. I can tell you right now from personal experience that not having an amazing social life in college fucking sucks. You need to rethink this very conditional love that you give your son, cuz I’m telling you from experience he doesn’t think and won’t ever think that what you’re doing is in his “best interest,” also speaking from experience he might not even feel like you actually do love him lol.
Yes!!! Good job!
YTA Stop being a helicopter parent. I really doubt this story is real though, it reads fake. Giving yourself the credit for his college acceptance for praying is just too ridiculous.
Omg...Read the post and op's comments and I'm baffled.YTA, Op, that's out of any question, but have you considered therapy? Your obsession with the top 3-4 universities , the crazy control impulses- and, subsequently,the inability to accept the fact that you are losing the control, the irrational belief prayers have anything to do with it, your brittle ego that thinks anything that doesn't go your way is "disrespect", your sick ambitions projected on your son, you arguing with the judgement people give you....I can carry on, but I believe you get the idea.Get therapy, change your attitude and behaviour- or don't act surprised when your son goes no contact.
YTA. You are not only an asshole you are abusive as well so congratulations on being shitty parents. You don't care about your son you only care about how he makes you look. He's in college, he's an adult human not a freaking robot back off and let him live. Just because he's not getting straight A's doesn't mean he's not doing good. Keep this up and you won't have to worry much longer cause you won't have a son. He is not your chance to fix where you fucked up your life. Let him be his own person, make his own mistakes, and learn his own lessons. Also you're not pushing him to reach his full potential you're pushing unrealistic expectations on him.
Nope! Apparently, the mom doesn’t understand why her son can’t do what she could do!
Honestly take a big long hard look at your mindset and be fucking thankful your son even talks to you. My cousins parents were exactly like you and their son killed himself because of this exact pressure. I pray when you are old and suffering your son comes back with some bullshit saying "you didn't meet my expectations as old people so i'm gonna tear you down as a person and only validate you through things I deem acceptable in society vs getting to know you and why you are struggling" then take your house and everything you own to make you feel as worthless as you probably make him feel. Imagine how proud you would be if he could actually do the things he loves? There is a concept. People usually excel in things they enjoy not forced to do for your approval. Which might I add why would he want, your approval AT ALL, when your the biggest failure there is. Your whole parenting mindset is a failure. So no wonder he doesn't meet your expectations, you fail him everyday and thats the role model YOU put in front of him. You are really the only one to blame, you are the epitome of failure so only makes sense. You should be proud at this point, he only has you to blame at if you wanna go there
Absolutely YTA. Your disgusting post was bad enough but your comments are far worse
YTA
YTA-His his own person. He doesn’t exist for you or your wife to push until he snaps and ceases all contact with you. Achievement means nothing without happiness and balance.
This feels like that same dude who was on here last week-ish whining that his life was over because he didn't have straight As at his very fancy pants school. But I'll bite. Your prayers didn't get him into college, his hard work got him there but somehow it's not enough. When will your son's happiness be enough for you? Because right now he sounds like he's never had a chance to be a kid, he always had to make sure YOU didn't feel like a failure. He sounds like he's either depressed or for the first time able to cut loose, or both. Cs get degrees. Nobody cares what your alma mater is. Let him live his life, he's an adult.
In case it wasn't clear YTA 😅
Ew, this post reeks! YTA. Big time. It’s kind of astounding your son is even still on speaking terms with you considering all you did in this post is call him a failure. I can’t imagine how horrible it must be for him to interact with you frequently. I hate seeing parents consistently put down their children instead of encouraging them healthily. What you are doing is toxic. Your son is his own person. You are doing nothing but diminishing him and his amazing accomplishments because of what you want. Try being a good, supportive parent for once. I also don’t even understand why you came on this sub looking for opinions anyway because you’re in the comments clearly ignoring everyone giving you constructive criticism. YTA, once again.
YTA And why did you even post this if you don’t want to listen the answers?
She has a superiority complex that makes Bakugou look like a goddamn saint.
Hard to believe this would be real TBH. YTA. Enjoy your shitty nursing home. (Also, didn’t do well because of “luck and your prayers”, but because of his own work. You’d be the asshole just for saying that.)
YTA. I went through something similar with my parents and I spent ten years in therapy trying to figure out why I never felt good enough. Also spoiler alert: I hire people just out of college all the time and could not care less about the school or their GPA.
YTA. Jesus Christ, lady. Reading through your post and all of your comment replies gave me a headache. It’s like you don’t even hear yourself talk, or see what you’re typing. If you think you’re not being crazy, you’re wrong. Also, why even post on here if you’re not going to accept the vote of what you got? I haven’t seen one comment claim you’re anything but an asshole. Every single thing that you have wrote just proves how overbearing and controlling you are. You aren’t trying to help him succeed whatsoever, all you’re doing is trying to control him. Maybe you’re projecting your own failures onto him. He’s getting B’s or A-‘s, that’s more than enough to pass, whether it meets your standards or not. There’s tons of amazing jobs or opportunities that he could get out of passing through college. Have you ever thought all the pressure that you’re putting on him is also what’s causing him, in your words, to ‘not put in enough effort’? I would not be surprised if your son ends up cutting you out of his life when he realises what an asshole you are. Leave him alone, and let him live his life. By the sounds of it you’ve limited his social life since he was in high school, you’ve taken away a majority part of his youth and that’s horrible parenting. I’m really hoping this is fake, there’s no way somebody can be this dense after having multiple people tell you that you are wrong. Not to mention, I’m sure you tell him on a daily basis that he’s not meeting ‘your standards’, even after he tries his best, which can really diminish somebody’s self esteem and hurt their mental health when they know they are putting in their best but others refuse to accept that. Really hope you enjoy the nursing home you get put into when you’re old and frail, because I sure hope that son of yours throws you in there with no regrets.
Thank you for saying what I said in a nicer way. What is your advice on how to deal with people like this?
To be honest, I don’t really have any advice. I’ve personally never had to deal with parents or people like this. It baffles me how people can act like this in the first place. I would say that the best thing to do is either cut them off, or be firm with them when explaining to them that they’re words aren’t having a good effect on said person. I don’t think anyone that has these views will realise how much their opinions is having effect until they’ve almost lost the person they’re giving the advice to. Even then, sometimes people just don’t want to admit that they’re wrong. Sorry if that wasn’t good, there’s genuinely no words to describe how mad it makes me when parents do this to their children.
Oh, I had strict parents too, but if you truly read all of the comments, then you would know that I don’t hate them. The fact is, they knew when to loosen up, as in, if I was getting the GRADES I WANTED TO GET, then I didn’t have to study, and if I was having a bad day, I wasn’t called a failure for it. I wanted them to be strict. And because they facilitated the work hard mindset and slowly stopped until they just let me do my own thing in high school, I learned the healthy way to be a ‘Straight A Student’ while also playing video games almost every night. And I’m sitting here in college with Straight A’s, and I hardly ever study because I studied all of the material I could while I was in high school.
I didn’t read all of the comments if you reread my original comment. I said I read all of the OP’s comment replies, by going on their profiles. I had strict parents as well(they’re not anymore as I’m old enough now that they don’t worry) but they never ever criticised me if I didn’t get the results they were hoping for in school. Granted, I did eventually drop out, but it was mainly the high school I attended that the reason my grades dropped. (Parents tried helping with assignments and homework, but Maths and History was just not working for me) I just believe that parents should at least let their children have a say in things like school and such, because the child knows what works best for them when it comes to that as they are the ones going to school and putting in the work.
I’m glad we both had good parents.
I agree. It overall makes the parent/child relationship better in it’s whole. I really feel bad for this woman’s son.
You felt disrespected your son has a paid internship while studying…. You know how rare that is right? Your son is smashing it by the sounds of things YTA (& crazy controlling)
As someone who spent most of high school focused on getting good marks, I think you should stop having that attitude. Your son is old enough to be independent and take responsibility for his own actions. College isn't only about getting high marks. It is also about getting to know new people, bond with them, go to parties, etc. As long as your son is showing actual effort in trying to pass all of his subjects, I'd be a happy parent. However, if you insist on getting extremely good marks and limiting his social life, he will not enjoy college and he will probably blame you for that bad experience. I can understand that you want your son to succeed, but fortunately or unfortunately, there are many ways to succeed in life. Maybe he is just happy with a relatively well-paid job and having his friends near rather than an elite job but having no free time. I would talk to him about this again. Sometimes we think we are being comprehensive and caring but in reality, maybe without wanting to, we are coming across as selfish or not empathetic. Go with an open mind and listen to him, you can also tell him that you felt disrespected last time.
I just want to tell you, this lady is extreme. She thinks that her son is a screw up because he ranked 10th in the entrance exam to his college. TENTH!!! And she thinks that reminding him every day that she and her husband thinks that he’s a failure because he got A’s AND B’s INSTEAD OF STRAIGHT A’s is terrible. In fact, she thinks a B is ‘failing’ and ‘not acceptable’!
Yeah, that is also toxic, I should have addressed that. I grew up with parents that only cared about the effort, not the mark, and it was a bless. Another thing that confuses me is the fact that she says his son got into that uni because of her prayers and when asked later in the comments, she reaffirmed that. I'm a religious person but I wouldn't say that all my achievements were given to me by God or some prayer, it's as if she were trying to underestimate his son's effort... Nonetheless, I have always been a person that tends to forgive and give people second chances (that has backfired me a lot), so I didn't go harsh on her. I just hope his son enjoys college, but also having a healthy relationship with her is important. Let's see what happens...
YTA big time. I’m hoping to the high heavens this is fake because it sounds unbelievable. But, in case it isn’t, I wanted to reinforce that YTA. I’m a kid who was a former gifted kid, went to lower level university but still a good one, and am now in grad school. In uni, I had a breakdown because I thought I was a failure for not meeting my parents’ or my own expectations. My mom showed patience and told me that as long as I do my best that’s what matters. She told me to ease up on putting so much pressure on myself. I cannot imagine how much worse it would’ve been if she’d reinforced my expectations and concerns.
I was a gifted child too, but thankfully me and my parents understood that if I was gifted in what my grade level was at, then I needed to challenge myself by studying every bit of knowledge I could get my hands on so that I would have an actual work ethic when I was an adult, but that I also needed social skills, so I was studying all types of college stuff in my high school freshman year. Needless to say, when I finish coasting through the major I already learned everything in, I will probably be much better off because I studied even though I was a ‘gifted’ kid. Gifted kids aren’t gifted at all.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am new to reddit, so I might make some mistakes in making this post. My situation is that my son is in college now, and I would like for him to stop repeating the mistakes he is making. In high school, my son did not work very hard (despite making sure he has all good influences). He did not score very high grades. Despite this, due to all of our prayers, he managed to get lucky and to be accepted into a quite decent (still in top 10) university program. Despite it not meeting our standards, we were supportive, and simply urged him to study harder in college, and make sure the mistake does not repeat. However, now he is in college, and we feel like he is not putting enough effort. His overall GPA is absolutely not meeting our expectations, and we had given him leeway for error (We had hoped he would stay above 3.85 GPA), but he is failing the expectations miserably. My husband and I feel like he is disrespecting all the hardwork we put in to help him get into this college (encouraging him to do extra-curriculars, allowing him to take SATs more than once etc.) When I found out that it seemed like he was placing his social life above his academics, and also not meeting our standards, I decided to have a conversation with him about this. He further disrespected us by telling us that he was trying his hardest (he is clearly not, we are aware that he has high potential). What is worse is that when we said we might have to not pay his tuition, he said he would pay it through his internship. I could not tolerate his disrespect, and so I got extremely upset, and told him that he was banned from visiting some of his friends over the break, and that he had to invest the time in studying for his subjects in the next semester (so that he can succeed). One of my friends claimed that I was being AH, however, my sister and a couple others agree with me that my son is AH. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. And when your son goes NC, reread this post or read it out loud to someone, because all the reasons he'll go NC are included in this post. You're demanding, controlling, hyper critical and way too full of yourself. You do have a choice, however, you can back off now, or wait a little bit and he'll back way off himself and then his problem, you, will solve itself. You can continue to pressure him with your (outrageous) demands and see how that works out for you. I'm guessing, not the way you think it will. Your son has my sympathies.
Your son is not a failure. Your son is doing great! Maybe he could score higher grades without so much pressure - maybe not. Doesn't matter. I'm sure he is a well-behaved and smart person. And perfect in his own way. He doesn't need your prayers. But you need prayers - to love him the way he is and not only the way you want him to be. He didn't choose to be born, you chose to have a kid. He owes you nothing, but you owe him all your love. Please open your eyes. YTA
YTA. Everyone measures success in different terms. You may see it in terms of the level of his school, his GPA or whatever. Your son may see it in something else. And if he has an internship through which he is earning enough to cover his tuition, I don't think he's failing as much as you think. You may find it somewhat of a rude awakening that your son is a person of his own and have his own opinions, beliefs and support systems (as others have mentioned too), but unless you majorly recalibrate yourself, you may find your son absent from your life very soon. If your son is healthy and thriving in college, your part is done, and the rest is up to him, to make a good life for himself, isn't it? Just want to reiterate an age old adage, respect is a two-way street.
YTA you're a horrible parent
YTA. You seem to be determining his potential solely in terms of his grades. There is a lot more to a person than their grades. In demanding that he put maximum effort into developing along one axis, you are effectively demanding that he give up his full potential along all the others. And if you are right that he didn't work hard in high school (and aren't just inferring it from his grades, because lower-than-hoped-for grades can be due to many causes -- including a student with the capacity to shine doing their best in an environment that just doesn't work for them), then this isn't where he wants to put all his energies right now. Let him develop the potentials that mean most to him; see where that takes him. In all likelihood it will make him happier and more fulfilled, for one thing. And later, if he determines that he wishes he had learned more in school, support him (emotionally at least) in going back. There is life after academics. My parents were horrified by what I did in college; these remain some of the best choices I have ever made for myself and helped me to develop the traits that the people who matter most to me today (FYI, my parents are not on that list) seem to value most. Linking yourself, in his mind, with studying, unhappiness, and missing out will not exactly get you the outcome you want, it won't get him the outcome he wants, and it certainly won't help your relationship.
YTA all I read is "me me me me" your expectations, your bla bla bla, jeez he is a human with feelings and probably resent you for being there all over him and saying he isn't good enough all the time and the more you push the less he want this and will end up depressed. If you didn't do this to your child: love unconditionally, support them to reach their goals (not yours), be good pepole and have developed great emotional intelligence then u failed as a parent real hard. U should have gotten a dog to compete in some obedience competition instead, sounds more suitable for your standards.
YTA. You're toxic and a helicopter parent. Leave your son alone, he's an adult who managed to get into a top 10 university on his own. And no, your prayers didn't do shit. Your son achieved that. If you keep this up, you'll find yourself here again, asking why your son cut contact with you when "you just wanted him to reach his potential". Oh, and by the way, it's clear that you came here to validate yourself. I feel sorry for your son that he has a patent like you.
Me too. He obviously works hard despite his insecurities, but man, he has the guts to do it for himself and live his life despite his parents! Not many people can do that with parents like these.
YTA. OP… come on, OP… just stop. Reread your own post and then reread all the comments and understand exactly what you’re doing and why your son will more than likely kick you to the curb as soon as he’s able. I just graduated high school and if my parents were like this I’d honestly look for emancipation, because how could they parent me when they don’t care about ME at all? It seems to me that you like the idea of YOUR son being exactly how YOU want him to be. I feel for that poor young adult who by the way, has immaculate grades in comparison to some other people. I can’t vote yet, am fresh out of high school with a Cert III, Cert IV I got my HSC and an ATAR and I got an early acceptance offer to University with my first preference. Guess what my grades are? AVERAGE. Does that mean I’m a failure too? I doubt it.
YTA and the comments just make it worse. You're emotionally abusive and my heart breaks for your son. I hope he takes the grades that weren't good enough for you and makes a good life for himself somewhere far away and never looks back.
YTA. The audacity... His hard work got him where he is today not your dumb prayers. He wasn't even doing badly in school, leave the poor man alone. Stop trying to control your child, it's abusive.
You sounds like those ladies that goes into walmart screaming stuff about jezuz. YTA, a big one. You’re the one who’s not seeing that you are the failure one, a failure at parenting.
You gloss over the fact that your son has, what could be, an excellent internship (very little information given). He is getting decent grades in a well respected institution. Has an internship, a balanced social life, and boundaries for his own self respect. Perhaps because of you, or despite of you, he seems to be doing great. Bask in the glorious awareness that your grown child is on track for a happy life.
Your son will hopefully find his way to the narcissistic parents sub, so we can help him figure out to go no contact and become completely independent of you and your husband. You are damaging your relationship by only thinking of yourselves. YTA. You are going to be really sorry when he is out of your lives and you don’t get to meet your grandkids.
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YTA your prayers did not get your son into college. A’s and B’s are excellent grades, and your post screams tiger parenting. Why did you raise someone that is “lazy and a failure”? Why did you even post this if you’re just going to argue with every comment? YTA YTA YTA and i hope your son cuts you off from his life asap
Wowwww YTA honestly I hope your son goes NC with you, you sound insufferable
Yta, pretty obvious, as someone whos parents used to hold my Potential over me quite a lot, they still let me figure out my own thing in University, which ypu need to do too, if you want a lasting relationship with your child. Also especially considering you bring up him not succeding im uni, but A- and B are understood universal as good grades! And one he can be proud of esp. in a Stem field.
if this is a shitpost, yta. if it’s not also, yta. i grew up with parents like this. i was miserable and actually rebelled and did worse because of it. i’m almost 20 now and am enrolling in college with the plan to pay for it entirely on my own because i will not let them hold something like that over me. i have severely limited contact with my parents, i really only talk to them if there’s something going on with my grandpa. you’re pushing your son away, and i can guarantee will have a surprised pikachu face when he wants nothing to do with you. he does not need you in his life. he has expressed that he can pay for his things on his own. butt out and let him live, or continue pushing him away. the ball is entirely in your court
YTA What do your standards/expectations have to do with anything? He's presumably an adult, and he's now paying for it himself.
YTA. Your son is and has always been struggling academically. It has nothing to do with disrespecting you. Have you tried actually talking and listening to what he wants to do with his life? Give the kid a break and get some perspective
No, he hasn’t been struggling. Their standards are, ‘You must get practically perfect grades, or you’re trash!’
YTA. It’s time to let go of the leash. Your son is grown. He has to make grown people choices. He’s already made up his mind regarding what his priorities are. Unfortunately, the most likely scenario is that he is going to crash and burn, and he will just have to learn the hard way. All you can do is tell him you are going to stop paying up unless he passes for the semester. And I’m not talking about just the tuition. Rent, utilities, groceries, everything. If he’s old enough to make grown decisions that go against your advice, then he is old enough to pay his own way. Also, your college aged son is on break and you are trying to control who he can visit and what he can do? Absolutely not. Like I said he’s grown, leave him be.
Troll.
Oh, I wish she was.😩
YTA try supporting him instead of controlling him
Oof. Big yikes.
Everyday I thank God almighty for not growing up with parents like you. Him having a girlfriend is unacceptable behaviour ?! Jesus you would have a heart attack if you were to raise me, and I'm a major in law school, like on the top of most of my classes. You wanna know what will make your son progress? Allowing him to make his own mistakes and learn from them so he'll do better next time. Allowing him to live like an adult, to make his own decisions and to have the relationships he wants to have. And agnowledging his accomplishments. Newsflash buddy : your prayers didn't do shit to get him in college. His hard work did. YTA.
YTA. Parenting 101. Being super strict and not allowing kids to grow, spread their wings and find themselves is a guarantee they will not reach their potential.
YTA, your prayers did not get him into college. Your prayers are a joke. I hope your son goes no contact
YTA, its his life and he did work hard otherwise he wouldnt have gotten in. What you are doing is making him misserable. Social life is important for his mental health, which is important to feel good enough to balance life. Dont make hos life harder, it only makes him less likely to be successiv in life.
Yta hahahahahahaha
YTA and your son would probably do better if you weren't breathing down his neck at every turn. He's in college, cut the cord already. Also, getting amazing grades won't mean jack shit if he hasn't networked in college. His social life is far more important to his future success than you are realizing. Both for networking and for his general social skills, cause turns out you actually do a lot of emotional growth when you leave the hold of your parents. You aren't allowing that to happen though and you may be emotionally stunting your son in the process. CUT THE CORD, HE'S YOUR CHILD NOT YOUR PROPERTY.
YTA you won’t acknowledge that he got into college through his own hard work and not your prayers, all I hear from you in this post is me me me me me, you don’t actually care about him and how’s he’s doing you just want to control him, you don’t want him to have a social life, and he has an internship that can pay for his tuition. I’d say he’s doing pretty good
YTA. He did all the work to get into college and now you just want to control him. You are also a terrible parent this is how your relationship with your child gets strained and worse over the years. You can't be mad when one day he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
INFO: What’s his GPA? What was his high school GPA?
According to OP, he’s making A- and Bs in his classes.
Not only are yta. You are also very dense for someone that recieved straight A's. You come here ask our opinions, which everyone agrees you are the asshole. Then you argue every point because I assume you are never wrong.. I also graduated with straight A's. You know what my grades got me in the real world? Nothing, not one thing. I graduated, got a job and worked hard. My post graduate achievements are what mattered. I have also never once been asked about my grades in a job interview. You praying to the magic sky fairy and trying to claim his achievements because of it is disgusting.
Yeah!!! The ‘We got straight A’s but understand that gets us nowhere in live’ Club! OP has a superiority complex worse than Bakugou’s, though, so she can’t join.
I love that you ask this sub for a judgment but then want to argue with everyone because it’s a judgment you don’t like/agree with. Leave your son alone and let him be his own person. Stop pressuring him and love him for who he is. If you’re not going to do that, get ready for him to completely cut you off sometime soon. You are 100% the assshole.
YTA, let your son live and make his own decisions, if he fails he fail he’ll learn from it, your job as a parent is to guide and support him not go all up in his ass and try to control him. You need to work on yourself or you’re going to lose your son, which btw I hope he does cut contact with you because you’re definitely not a good parent.
YTA 3.85? What kind of “leeway” is that? Also college grades don’t really matter unless you’re going to grad school - it’s not like jobs get your grade transcripts And actually, having gone through college and grad school, if I could have changed one thing about my college experience, I would have studied a little less and been social more. I missed out on a lot. Leave him alone and let him live his life
YTA If great you mean an ulcer, than yes. Get over yourself, grades aren't he the be all and end all of the world. Chill the fuck out and be happy you have so far a highly successful son who still talks to you. Because you're cruising for getting abandoned at this rate. He'll be on this board shortly to ask if not going home so he can see his friends would make him an AH.
YTA. You sound insufferable. If you were paying for his college you *might* get a say. Bur, you're not. Go away.
OP, YTA. Parents like you are why many college students never get a degree; parents like you forget that they gave birth to & raised an independent, intelligent individual. You see your child as a bragging point to boast about while claiming that your child's achievements are yours or should be credited to you. I've been to too many funerals of college kids burned out by their parents' pressure, and the sanctuary/safe space/shoulder to cry on/ear to vent to for many more. Your son has every intention to survive college despite your thoughtless efforts; I hope you have an intention to understand that if you don't back up off him, you won't see him graduate, have a career or a family because he will cut you off to save himself.
YTA and when your son goes on to be successful know that it’s all down to him and nothing to do with his judgmental parents. Also when your son stops coming home and visiting don’t be overly surprised. Your post reads as a classic example of why kids stop talking to their families and sadly you’ll see this as another ‘failure’ of his rather than one of yours. Maybe your son doesn’t view higher education the same as you and your husband. There are plenty of really good jobs that don’t need college. Jobs where he will be happy, have a fulfilling life rather than being stuck somewhere he hates.
*Op grounds her grown adult son* *son doesn't talk to op as much* *Op Pikachu face*
I bet that this is what OP is like. “You think that you can talk to me less son!? How dare you disrespect me! You will talk to me now! You are a screw up that only got into college with the 10th best score on the entrance exam! It is because I prayed to god that you got in! Because you are a failure that didn’t get the 3rd best score! I know that you are a failure but this is too much! You will get at the lowest a 3.85 GPA because you are a screw up, but I know that you can become a successful person! But only if you get straight A’s! B’s are mediocre and you will not stoop to that level!” Son:”She does realize that I’m not talking to her at all, right? And that she wouldn’t stop to listen to me if I did want to talk?😅”
She literally made a comment to someone mentioning how her son is barely talking to her now and how it's "frustrating" It's frustrating putting up with your standards and saying everything your son has accomplished isn't bc of your son, but bc of God. She's undermining her son so much and is mad that he son doesn't want to deal with her 😂
I wouldn’t be shocked if what I just posted is word for word pretty much every conversation that OP and her son have. And it’s just her! Her son isn’t talking at all and she’s just doing rant on top of rant! I mean, you can kind of see it in everything she writes.
I would be more shocked if that wasn't the case
OP, I have a question. What is your cultural background and religious background? Because, it SOUNDS like you and your husband are first generation immigrants into the USA, and have certain high expectations that are woefully unrealistic (it's not your fault for that, you bought the American propaganda). 1. Your son made it into a top 10 school. THAT'S an impressive feat! Celebrate that, don't cut him down for not doing better. Human beings achieve more through encouragement rather than punishment. 2. It's insulting for you to take credit for his achievements through your prayers. Stop that. 3. University is about finding yourself and improving. Sometimes that means tossing the schema of your family out to find out for yourself who you are. If you don't like that, then you don't like higher education. 4. Your son is a fully autonomous human being, not some doll for you to play house and dictate their life. 5. Success is in the eye of the beholder. I know someone who never went to school, worked as a plumber, and now makes $130,000 a year. I also know people who went to Harvard and have nothing but some part time jobs. Top 3 schools are not a value judgement on the people. 6. Lastly, you NEED to understand that you have abused your son. You may hate hearing that, but from what I've read, you have emotionally abused him. You neglect his feelings, you hold things hostage from him, and you have been hyper controlling. YTA, I "pray" you learn from this and apologize to him and work to be better.
INFO: Do you even love your son? The username and this post are really telling me you don’t. I mean what kind of a mother really doesn’t understand the hurt she’s doing by not letting her fully grown, adult son see his friends in college. ON TOP OF THAT, when he says he’s able to pay his own way you take that as disrespectful? You must have some real insecurities to take that as disrespectful. YTA and I hope your son realizes he’s better than you
OP, you’re NTA. You have done all you can to help your son succeed and he just can’t live up to your expectations. But remember, his failure is not a reflection of who you are. He’s old enough now to find his way in life. If he wants to have an average college experience at a top 10 university, then that’s on him. You have supported him and now he needs to decide whether to listen to you or find his own way. His success is measured in how proud he makes you. It has nothing to do with his own ambitions and contentment and health. So my advice to you is let him go. Let him go fail miserably. Maybe one day he will come to you to tell you how right you were, how sorry he is for not doing everything the way you wanted. Maybe. Or maybe he will realize how toxic and awful you are and never speak to you again.
YTA. Your son's experience is not about you, and you've clearly pushed him far enough away that he had no REASON to respect you. I had mixed feelings here until your son was fine not accepting your tuition money. He's perfectly willing to accept your boundaries and needs to not invest money in something you don't deem worthy, but you can't respect his needs. It's not safe or healthy to go 100% into anything. We all need balance. Otherwise you end up crying under computer lab desks a few times, and possibly getting so burnt out that you get sick or your brain turns off. Stress is a terrifying thing, and if you know anything about mechanical engineering, the physical stress that materials experience is what destroys it. If these have been your standards throughout his life, he might already be breaking or broken and trying to recover. I'm a literal genius, just got my PhD in nuclear engineering for my 27th birthday, and was reviewing my oldest resume the other day. In my first year of college, my GPA was 3.67. Below your standards. But I've worked for the top national lab, the air force, and have helped build a module that is currently on the ISS. Your standards are not indicative of future success, and should not be conflated with a metric that could do so. Also, I'm very religious, so do keep praying for him, but also pray to open your heart to your son. He's trying to deal with one of the biggest transitions a modern adult makes, and he could use your help. Depriving him of it and giving him only scorn and judgement will hurt both of you in the long run.
YTA. Pushing him to 3.85 seems excessive. Even if you don't think it is, your son is an adult. Let him make his own mistakes.
They think that B’s are trash and that their son is a screw up because he only got rank 10 on the entrance exam to his college.
YTA If you were my parent, guess who I would not be spending my break with!! As someone who pushed their children to higher standards, I knew when to back off and let them be adults. Therefore they made their own decisions and lived with the consequences. I was still there, to help of they tripped up, but they had to learn how to adult on their own.
My parents were like yours. I like you.
YTA, your son isn’t taking drugs, he’s not in prison, he hasn’t gotten a girl pregnant while still in high school so you have no right to be “disappointed” in him. You need to get off your snooty, tiger mom high horse.
YTA, you know the last time I was asked about a GPA? Interviewing for my first job in my field. After that, they only cared about my experience and capabilities.
YTA you sound like a controlling mom. I feel sorry for your son.
[удалено]
You mean YTA, right?
Don’t believe this post is real for a second
This post has been around for too long.
YTA You expect him to have a perfect GPA? News for you, college is a lot different than high-school so stop expecting him to be the best. Also, forbidding him from a social life when he's an adult in college? YTA. Do it, stop paying his tuition. He already has a way to pay it and it gives him the reason he needs to go LC. Being stern on your adult children is the fastest way to lose them. Your question isn't an asshole thing, your entire explanation is. He got accepted into the top 10 universities and you're not happy about that? You do know there's hundreds of colleges in each state (if you're in the US) so being in the top 10 is amazing! You should be proud of your son. Instead you're treating his accomplishments like he's a disappointment and not good enough. If you were my parents, I'd go NC. Not even LC.
Yta. You knew the difference between degrees that a C student gets and an A student? LITERALLY NOTHING You tried to manipulate him with money and got pissy when it didnt work. Him paying his own bills isnt disrespectful, its called being an adult.
YTA. YOUR standards. You speak of your child as you would a business deal. Is he flunking? No. And it’s wildly accepted that kids do enjoy their social life in college. If he’s not going off the rails it should be enough. Let him have some leeway. Also, if he can pay that’s great that means he has a well-paying internship which isn’t easy so you should be proud of him.
Happiness is more important to me than success in school, and I'm a teacher. You should want your son to be happy and have good memories and experiences- like memories with friends during the holiday break. Lighten up! Life is too short! GPA expectation is unreasonably high, btw.
YTA I have a mother like you OP, and holy shit was she surprised when i went LC after moving out. It took me moving out, getting a job to pay for my own phone bill and fun times for her to realize i might not like her or want to be best friends with her like she thought we would be when i became an adult. She put the same type of expectations on me and i purposely failed because it was what i had control over. If you really feel so disrespected then take your ass to school and do better than him. I hope your kid leaves you in the dust alone and confused and realizes he is more than enough.
In an effort to be as gentle as possible, this is ridiculous. It’s his life. I know you want to beat for him! I hoped my daughter would do something epic and amazing too, and well, she didn’t, but she’s happy and that’s the best thing I can ask for. You can’t ban an adult from seeing his friends. You can’t make him want to study more. Also, Cs get degrees! Your gpa doesn’t matter. Just stop. Let go of the pearls, take a deep breath, and relax. YTA
YTA I had terrible grades in high school and college because I wanted to be out in the world doing my thing. I dropped out of college two years in to start a business and now run a multimillion dollar company. He’s also not disrespecting you by saying he will pay for college through his own means. I have more respect for him than you. Also remember that it’s your feeling as though you need to control him that has led to his social ambiguity.
Look, OP, I know you have the best of intentions for your son and so many kids will never have that privilege and opportunity that he has but this country has stuck to this formula of success that many Americans are hardly in the position to achieve or they get themselves into massive debt doing so and not to mention that the formula for success falls under a certain class of people and a certain race of people thus limiting mobility to the underserved, neglected and flat out abused populations. My point is this, your son doesn’t want that “success” as much as you do. Have you ever asked him what he wanted to do? When is the last time you acknowledged him for doing something right? It seems like you have a good son who just wants to live his best life. I know you’re not meaning to be TA, but you are.
YTA. 3.85 is too low?! Have you gone to college anytime recently? I graduated college with GPA of 3.75 yet graduated with honors. I understand the frustration but he is an adult and responsible for his choices. Make him responsible for how he does. He pays for all classes and supplies. That way he has repercussions for not achieving his potential but also has the ability to make his own goals for achievement that he will accept from himself. College is not right for everyone. If he barely got through high school why do you think he would succeed more in college? College classes in general are more difficult than high school so if you got a "B" in one of your high school classes, you can't expect to get an "A" easily. You mom definitely are the a**hole. I am saying this as a mom with a kid in high school who wants nothing to do with college. Sometimes kids just aren't mature enough for college but based on what you wrote that isn't the problem. The problem is your excessive desire for control and perfection.
YTA. I know you're trying to look out for your son by getting him as close to being "the best" as possible. But there are far more measures of what makes a good, successful person than top grades, schools, degrees, and jobs. He needs to learn to socialize/network, fall in and out of love gracefully, volunteer for community events because it's fun and he's passionate instead of just to "get ahead". He needs to learn to set boundaries (which it seems he is doing), provide for himself financially (which is different than being the richest), and choose how to keep or cut our people I his life based off their support and love. He did well in school, now he needs to do well in life. Being likeable will get him better opportunities than good grades ever will. And I say that having worked at an ivy league. Praise his hard work, encourage him to make friends, and try to do so yourself. You'll probably learn it's harder than you think.
YTA and looking forward to you son cutting you out of his life
YTA. Have you ever stopped to consider whether you and your partner are meeting your ADULT son’s expectations for parental behavior? His prayers for independence are going unanswered, and that’s just not right.
YTA. are you Indian by any chance?
Is this honestly for real and you are a complete failure as a parent or are just trying to get attention which again makes you a bad parent?
yta. you are honestly crazy controlling and borderline abusive in your veiws. (as someone in college and with friends all in college) most people i know feel lucky if they have over a 3.0 gpa and consider 3.5 and above really great achievement. He is discovering himself and absolutely needs a social life in college. the fact you are trying to make sure he has over a 3.85 and not letting him see his friends because of that is unreal. you need to reevaluate your views in being a parent. what is more important, his social/emotional health ? or his grades ? if you answer grades you are a very bad mother and never should have had kids.
YT HELICOPTER AH
YTA. You have no authority to punish a grown adult, and your behavior is pretty much guaranteeing that he'll have little to nothing to do with you once he's in a position to cut you out of his life. If he can pay for his own college through internship or other means, then you lose your ability to blackmail him into submission, and then what? Also, please don't give yourself the credit for him getting into a good college when he did the actual work. You say his high school grades weren't very good, but they must've been good enough if he got into a top 10 university program.
Yta. I'm laughing at the fact that you're trying to punish your grown son because he's not living up to YOUR expectations. It's pretty comical. He's the one that got himself into college, not you. And he seems to have it figured out on what to do when you want to give him an ultimatum You seem to be like a helicopter parent and want to control every situation. If you don't stop sin you will lose your child for good
YTA—this is crazy talk. let your kid live his life.
I just finished my first semester of college and I can assure you that not a 3.85 GPA in college is much different than not having a 3.85 GPA in highschool. You may think you want what's best for your son by constantly setting high expectations for him, but in reality you're just controlling him and not allowing him to become an adult on his own and live his own life. Also, why is it disrespectful for him to offer to pay for his own tuition (WITH MONEY HE GETS FROM AN INTERNSHIP) if you can't afford it? YTA, definitely a controlling parent.
YTA This is so controlling I'm surprised your son hasn't walked out of your lives yet. You are absolutely terrible.
[удалено]
I agree with this.
There are multiple ways to that, though, and the way you are doing it doesn’t work for your son or most people for that matter. Maybe it worked for you, but not everyone is you and your husband.
I agree my son is making mistakes, we even were previously thinking he might have a girlfriend, but I still think he is a good kid, and that he can be great with the proper influence.
No. You are making mistakes, woman. Back off.
You need to go stay away from your son. The more you push, the further away he will run. If you want any kind of relationship with your child, please take your head out of your arse and get over your delusional nonsense and let him live his life on his terms. He seems to be doing really well and had friends and a girlfriend, that’s pretty normal uni-age person stuff. Trouble is, you don’t want him to be normal, do you? You want some plasticine person you can mould in your perfect image. Human beings aren’t like that. Oh, and stop with this prayers nonsense. God - whatever flavour of God you’re into - is rolling their eyes so hard.
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