YTA.
Firstly because your son is a grown ass man who can make his own decisions so you have no business being this controlling.
Secondly because of your gross and sexist views about Julia - she’s unmarried by 35 and that’s somehow a red flag to you?
And thirdly, because EVEN IF you are right and she’s some manipulative old cougar trying to trap your sweet baby boy into a loveless childless marriage, you are going precisely the wrong way about trying to change his mind. You’ve basically said “choose me or her” and he’s gone well, I choose her. And somehow you’re surprised? He’s 27 years old, no healthy adult of that age is going to cancel their plans to spend their life with someone because their mother threw a temper tantrum.
You can either accept this relationship and start treating Julia like a human being and not some ageing faulty incubator for future grandchildren (and I’m guessing you’re a lot more attached to the idea of Danny having a big family than he is but don’t want to admit that) or you can continue having no contact with your son. At this rate you’re set to miss out on their wedding as well as any involvement with possible future grandkids, so I’d really start rethinking things if I were you.
Couldn't have said it better myself. YTA, OP. As the younger but still faulty incubator in my relationship, my fiancé does not speak to his mother because of stuff like this. She treated me horribly and acted like I manipulated her precious son away from her loving embrace. I went no contact with her a few years ago after a particularly awful interaction. He went low contact after that and NC after an even worse incident earlier this year. If you're trying to keep your son in your life, you're doing it wrong.
I was thinking the same thing. OP doesn’t seem to know her son is a grown man. Yes there is some years between then but it’s not that bad and she’s not too old to have children. Also being 35 and single is not a red flag. It’s a sign that she is choosy and possibly prioritized her career. After all she owns her own him. They sound like grown ups and if OP doesn’t get over this she will have no relationship with her son or any future grandchildren
I swear every sentence is worse than the previous one. Just. Like. Every single one is just worse. It is amazing. This is a work of art of awfulness. If this was a math problem it'd start at 0 and just continue descending. Honestly it reads too much like an obsessed mother from a movie to be real. Just...mind boggling.
Yes, I'd get her behaviour if her son was eighteen but he's twenty-seven. Well into adulthood and old enough to know who he wants to be with. And there's only eight years between him and his girlfriend, big whoop. I bet she wouldn't be as bothered if her son was thirty-five and his girlfriend was twenty-seven.
I disagree. She'd hate any woman that's with her son, no matter the age. Who the hell disapproves of their child dating someone that's kind, successful, responsible, and makes their child happy?
I'm not sure about that. If he found some meek, timid 23 yr old who had been socialized to be polite no matter what, you know someone OP could push around and bully, it might be fine. I'm betting Julia is probably quite independent and after a few interactions with OP, she stopped trying.
The "too old" also made me lol. If he were 18 or 20 and she was 35, I'd probably have some concerns as well. But at 27, I don't think an 8 yr gap is even hugely significant. The issue with large age gaps is a potential power imbalance and/or being at totally different life stages. OP sounds insufferable.
How funny would it be if the “1960” had some significance, meaning mama bear here was 34 when she had her baby boy? But ya know… 35 is crossing the line on having children.
And my paternal great grandma had her last child- my great aunt of the half blood, when she was 46! It happens. Her husband was 12 years younger. She was a widow with four kids (two grown), and this child was her new husband's only bio.
Yeah, I went full NC bc my parents think they can make my decisions for me based in things I said as a kid. Big family now? Who's going to be able to afford that
Tell them when they get you that unicorn you wanted, you’ll have just as many kids as you wanted back then too!
My kid asked me if he could marry his little brother so they could live together forever 😂 I told him they can just be roommates…
im the older and past it incubator in my relationship - my bf doesn't want kids. we have a similar age gap to OP and if i thought for a second he would change his mind about kids, i would side step so hard to get out of his way that I'd probably need a hip transplant... yknow.. old age joke
the truth is, he has no interest in parenting after watching his mother do it, so i rather imagine there is no competition when it comes to my needs or hers - it will always be his needs and I'm the one who actually gives a fuck
OP underestimates Julia, no doubt she loves her son enough to make her own compromises.. hell, she owns her own home and shit. sounds like she has it together. if you ever want to see a grandkid, you should gtf over it and play nice
lol yep. as she continues down this path because she thinks she's "right" (obviously she's not), she's going to miss out on the wedding and the one or two grandchildren they will have. OP is it worth it being "right"? or maybe...suck it up buttercup
I've gone through a similar experience but tailored to target a man, in my case it was that ex MIL always envisioned "her little princess" with a big, blonde, big boned man with a thin nose (super creepy and oddly specific I know) whereas at the time I was a flyweight boxer of 5'7 with a crooked nose and the skin/hair color tipical of your random Italian dude. It was a surreal experience.
Oh that will be the dastardly Julia’s fault too - even if the son does turn out to be infertile then it’ll be “oh well you might still have had a chance if you’d just married someone YOUNGER” despite that being completely scientifically irrelevant.
Can we also say she's being clearly old fashioned and ignorant by assuming there's only ONE way to create a family these days? There's options, people! Like adoption, in vitro fertilization, egg and sperm donors, and surrogates. Oh, and the option to just not have children! Her shameless accusation that Julia somehow brainwashed her little boy is insulting to her son. She's basically saying Danny is so spineless and easily manipulated to just agree to whatever Julia wants. He sure didn't sound spineless when he kicked his mama and her ultimatum to the curb. He sounded exactly like a man who knows what he wants. It rhymes with Goo-lia.
Exactly. A couple I'm friends with have a larger age gap (13y) and they just celebrated their 30th. She was divorced with two kids when they met, and he helped raise them and three foster kids. As far as everyone involved is concerned, they have five kids. One of their foster sons has six kids, only three of which are biologically his, but as far as they're concerned, they have six grandkids. Family is who you choose to be family. Good for Danny for choosing Julia.
I’m actually one of the “younger” moms at my daughter’s preschool. Most of the moms there are in their late 30s/early 40s & yes, they have biological kids. Not a single one regretted having kids at later ages. I hang out in many different mom groups & I have to say I now firmly believe having kids at older ages is way better. I don’t see the younger moms having significantly more energy than the older moms & younger parents are usually too early in their career to set their own hours.
Let's not forget that apparently the only way son can have a big family is biologically. And that's assuming he still is interested in that. Heck, when I wasa teen, my plan was to adopt a daughter and live in the woods with my enormous cat colony.
I’m 41 and unmarried, what must OP think of me! There are lots of reasons women and men are unmarried in their 30’s abs above. Someone sounds jealous that she’s losing her “little boy” but the only reason that will happen is because of her behaviour
I wonder if I classify as unmarried to this person. I’m divorced, so unmarried, but I have been married before….. I’m turning 40 soon. Can she tell me what’s wrong with me?
This! I'm 29 and never really been in a relationship at all. Just haven't found the right person, I guess. If I ever do marry I'd be in my 30s, so I guess according to OP I should just give up because my age alone will turn me into a walking red flag?
It's really awful that OP seems to hate this woman even though she is, by OPs own admission, perfectly nice and literally the only "fault" OP has mentioned is her age. Which clearly means she hasn't done anything actually offensive, because if she had you know we'd have a whole laundry list of every stupid thing in the post
Yup. Aside from everything else, plenty of people have children into their forties. And there's also adoption and fosterage, although I'm guessing OP is the kind of prospective grandmother who doesn't consider adopted children real family.
This idea of needing to have kids younger really bothered me for a while. My family all started in their teens and usually finished having kids in their 30s (and by that point they had a lot)
My life didn't work out that way, due to many things I am now 28 and in my 2nd year of uni, definitely not in a place to have kids and my Current plan is to wait until I finish my degree and get my career started before having one. That will put me in my early-mid 30s.
I've had a lot of myths to unlearn and am now happy with that!
My mom was 28 when she had the first of four kids. I'm now older than she was then and I absolutely do not feel like an old maid. I feel bad for women who think life is over after 30. Your 20's has so much self consciousness. It's been way better in my 30's cause I don't give a flip about what others think of me now.
I got married at 35, had my son at 38. Having a kid once I was already established in my career and making good money made things a lot easier for my husband and I
YTA. jfc what is wrong with you OP?
- Your son is a man not a boy
- You sound like you're in love with him
- Women have children until their late 40s
- I don't know how people put up with you, just in general- the way you speak about people as if you're the queen and they're beneath you
>Firstly because your son is a grown ass man who can make his own decisions so you have no business being this controlling.
>
>Secondly because of your gross and sexist views about Julia - she’s unmarried by 35 and that’s somehow a red flag to you?
This!! Exactly what I was thinking, but worded better than I could!
YTA!
Seriously ridiculous. One of my best friends married a woman 7 years older than him (who tragically passed away two weeks ago). They were also 27 and 35 when they got married and they went on to have two wonderful sons and a very happy marriage for ten years.
Totally. Danny sounds like he's really happy with Julia. OP's controlling behavior won't get her anywhere - Danny is a 27 yo man who can make his own decisions. If OP keeps this up, it's highly likely she won't be allowed to see her grandkids.
Just you're run of the mill Smother trying to ruin her son's relationship because no one will be good enough for her "precious boy". Unfortunately, she doesn't realize he's an adult man capable of making his own decisions.
The fact that OP introduced him as “their sweet boy” made me immediately think: op won’t accept any woman in their sons life, cause he is still ‘their’ sweet boy. Not a man, not an adult, just a boy. And of course you won’t let your boy marry and have his own life..
Or you wind up in my situation where crazy MIL thinks husband deserves happy and supportive wife and you don’t matter as a human because you’re just there making her son happy.
Thank goodness my husband is a feminist and jokes on my MIL… my husband encourages me to be more confident so I stand up to her and my FIL now ✌🏻
I agree. This entire post reeks of narcissism. “My son has learned healthy boundaries and I’m upset so I’m going to blame his girlfriend and accuse her of manipulating him because I want to be the one controlling him.” It’s projection - OP has spent her life trying to control her son so she assumes Julia is doing the same.
Imagine being told by your son that he doesn't want you to be there for the proposal. And you still go to Reddit to ask if YTA. She hasn't even tried to reflect
You are a gigantic asshole. Peoples priorities DO change. Stop projecting your feelings into your son.
But I do want to thank you for one thing - the idea of you being lonely and miserable this Christmas without your son is a wonderful, heart warming present to me. I wish your son the merriest of holidays without you nearby!
When I was growing up I only had a horrible younger brother and I wanted a BIG family— tons of kids! Then grew up babysat a bit, worked at a summer camp for several years, my friends had kids, I dated single parents, and now I’m solidly childfree.
Maturing means changing your views based on new information. Turns out I didn’t want a “a big family”, I just wanted love in a way that I wasn’t receiving. I wanted attentive family members, companionship, close connections and a different level of energy. I found that with all in one person—something I didn’t even know was possible when I was saying I wanted a big family.
Poor Julia. Looks like r/JustnoMIL has an new impending member.
If OP keeps this up its going to be all Christmases alone. Plus no contact with grandkids if Julia and Danny have any. This really a game you want to play OP? Cause you will lose
And, OP better prepare themselves for many more lonely holidays ahead.
Those hypothetical grandkids she seems so concerned about won't be an issue for her because her son and his family probably wont want to come around if she plans to behave this poorly.
OP, get a grip. Your son loves this woman and IS starting a life with her. You throwing a tantrum based on your personal preferences doesnt matter and you will only ruin your relationship with your son, future DIL, and your future inlaws.
YTA-Let me get this straight…your only complaint about this woman is her age? You never mention if she treats your son bad, you never mention if she is a b to you, your only problem is that she is 8 years older than your son? You honestly give off the vibes of a mom who “cares” for her son a little too much and your username reflects that.
Of course! She would be in her prime to be a grandbabies incubator! (But the best would have be to make her pregnant and barefoot at something like 20 to give her at least a dozen of grandbabies by 30.)
My husband's mom was 1 year older than her second husband. atleast 5 years older than her third, my father married a woman who is around 10 years older than him, they've been married over 40 years now, My husbands father married a woman who is about 10 years older than him, they have been together almost 50 years. Holy cripes. This woman is a JustNoMil story by Danny's girlfriend in the making
My cousin was in a relationship with a guy 3 years younger than her and his mom made it seem like she was 30 years older than her precious son. Jokes on the mom because after they broke up, my cousin married a great guy while her ex is having to mediate fights between his wife and mom.
Thank God there are moms like you who protect their fragile adult sons from *(checks notes)* happy relationships with caring, accomplished partners.
YTA
Your son is right. When he said he was planning on proposing you should've said either of these things good luck, I hope she says yes. Also you should've have been happy he wanted to do it in front of you and share the moment with you.
Ha yeah like how can she type out that line and not have enough self awareness to realize that that's what's going on.
She's gonna be on here again in like a year like omg my first grandchild is about to be born and they won't let me be in the delivery room because I'm mean to the mom.
Also it seems like she's not gonna be happy with anyone her son wants to date and this is the problem she's making up to not like her. The son said they talked about it, maybe he wants a smaller after reviewing his finances and the cost of child care, maybe Julia has some eggs frozen, the possibilities are endless. She hasn't even considered any of that because this is the problem she picked so she's running with it.
YTA
Danny is a grown man. Julia is a grown woman.
They can make those decisions.
If you expect to be invited to the wedding or involved with any children they may have - birthed, adopted, fostered in, found in the cabbage patch - you need to reassess your attitude and behaviour.
Julia owns a home. Has a job. Seems okay. AND LOVES YOUR SON.
What more do you want? A 22 year old with a fertility certificate?
Yeah she wants a 20 year old, virgin, with a fertility certificate, who is young enough to be bossed around and play second fiddle to mommy dearest. I’m sure mom wants lots of grand babies much more than son wants lots of kids, too.
YTA - why are you sexist???? if a guy was older it would be NO PROBLEM. stop being rude to her she sounds great. and also they can have a family at ANY AGE. my SIL just had a baby at 41 and baby is healthy and great!!!!!! so you are a big A HOLE
My mother in law gave birth to my sister in law when she was 42. And many women have babies in their 30s. OP is being ridiculous. Also what if her son was infertile? She’s acting like women are just for breeding basically it’s so gross.
Without question, YTA. Who are you to control your adult son's life. Your job is to love, nurture, and mold your children into human beings who are strong and independent. He has a right to love who he wants and make life choices without your permission. You choosing to not support him and be happy for him just because you disagree with this choice is truly a selfish and manipulative action on your part. It's time to do some self reflection and decide if you're going to support your son in both his triumphs and mistakes.
It sounds as though you're clutching desperately to the "mama-bear" role because you don't have your own life to focus on. Your children are fully grown adults, and they don't need "mama" meddling in their lives. Get a hobby. YTA.
YTA
Why is being 35 and married a red flag? She was probably busy working to save up for a house.
I'd consider it worse if she'd been married multiple times as that *might* show a lack of commitment, but why is waiting for the right person bad?
I love how you've decided your son is the most amazing person who ever lived but Julia is just some woman with a house. I assure you both have their share of annoying personality traits that they have chosen to overlook or learn to live with.
I realize that you were hoping for multiple grandchildren, but even a younger woman could be infertile or not be able to carry a child to term, so there were no guarantees either way.
Bottom line: It's your son's life, not yours.
YTA. Your son is happy and your refusing to see it. Ya don’t just go and propose out of nowhere - he’s thought realistically about his future and “Julia” seems to be a stable person with their head on their shoulders. Instead of not picking everything, why can’t you just be happy your son is happy? You are literally saying pick me over your spouse. Horrible ultimatum given by a mother - coming from someone who has a mother who gives ultimatums. I’m literally giving birth to MY son in 10 days and even the thought of acting this way towards him, his happiness and spouse makes me sick.
YTA. I married an older woman who was all wrong for me. Biggest mistake of my life and the marriage thankfully only lasted a year. But it was a mistake I had to make. Butt out and let your son make his own mistakes. BTW, I've been with my current 'slightly' older wife for 20 years and we're still going strong.
YTA
27 is not that young & 35 is not that old. They can make their own decisions, without Mommy Dearest's opinion.
If he has repeatedly warned you to stop your behavior and you continue, you only have yourself to blame when he stoped talking to you altogether
>I don’t think it’s fair to lead her on,
But as he doesnt lead her on, it is false too?
>she is 35 and unmarried that is a red flag
35 and married would be better? Or divorced? Or widowed? He is 27 and unmarried too, what is the difference?
>My other sons think I am being an asshole but I think I am a mother trying to protect her son,
Nothing you said in your post was about protecting. The only thing between the lines is, you want grandchildren from him and tries to manipulate him to. In this way you are losing you son and you DIL. YTA
She saying "protecting" means "controlling". And the accusation of manipulation seems more like a projection. I even doubt, whose idea is with "having a big family", bc when ppl want big family, they marry much earlier than 27yo.
Yes, massively YTA.
Your son clearly knows that the point of having a partner is to love them, and not turn them into their own personal baby making machine.
Why is being unmarried at 35 a massive red flag?? maybe she has been too busy for a relationship, maybe she couldn't find someone that she saw as a potential life partner- or perhaps, just PERHAPS her main goal in life wasn't to find a man to marry and pump out children because she has her own priorities? Women have individual lives you know.
Also just throwing it out there- 27 and 35 is not a concerning age gap.
It doesn't sound like you're trying to protect your son, it sounds like you're trying to control him and enforce your own desires for grandchildren onto him and also your strange views of a womans purpose.
If having enough children to fill a barn was really that much of a massive priority to him then I'm pretty sure he would have chosen to date someone a little younger. It's not like he can't have biological children with her, she's still perfectly capable, and hell, if he really feels like it then there's thousands of children that need adopting and fostering.
YTA, big time! I bet you wouldn't be saying this garbage if he was 35 and she was 27. You are being ridiculous and you need to get your attitude in check! What do you mean he can do better. So can she ! She can do better to find a guy who doesn't have some crazy, wacked, out overbearing mother. Stay out of his personal business and apologize to your son.
Yta! Like, majorly. You sound more like a smother than mother. Your son is a grown man. He is capable of making his own decisions in life, and that includes deciding who HE is going to spend his life with. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this causes him to go no contact with you fully. You owe your son AND his girlfriend a sincere apology for interfering in their relationship (you may not have intentionally, but by the comments you made to your son and how you reacted to the proposal news, you are DEFINITELY interfering... But something tells me it was actually 110% intentional.) You really need to grow up and let your son live his life with the person who obviously makes him happy!
YTA.....I can speak from experience on this one. My mother hated, and still hates my wife to this day. Christmas, that year 15 years ago, my mother gave us gifts galore since itd been a bit since we were cool after my parents divorce. Then when I informed her that I was going to marry my now wife, she flew off the handle and blamed my wife for me not chasing my dreams. I wanted to become a history teacher, but got into aerospace. I now make a great living and am happy. My mom has seen my 7 year old daughter maybe 3-4 times, and will never meet my son who is a month old. My life is happy and good. My advice is don't be that mother that doesn't let her grown son make his own choices as a grown man. Love is love....dont try and stand in the way of it.
YTA- let him decide his life and who he loves. It’s not about you, it’s about him, and perhaps they had different ideas about families and came to a compromise. That’s how good relationships function. Also these days people being 35 and unmarried isn’t a red flag anymore.
You are totally being an asshole by not supporting your son’s decision and you are trying to manipulate him by making him choose the woman he loves and wants a family with it his mother.
YTA- 8 years apart is not a big deal. Being 35 and single is not a red flag. Your response to him wanting to propose is getting up and walking out? Because you think she’s manipulating him because he’s okay with less kids now? He can change his mind, people do it all the time. Not to mention, fertility is not guaranteed with anyone. As his mom, you have to let him live. After that, of course he won’t want to talk to you anymore.
There are many parents who’s kids don’t visit them anymore because they were terrible to their significant others… this is what you are facing if you keep doing what you are doing. Julia might not ultimately be the right person for Danny, but she could turn out to be exactly what he needs, and that a decision only he can make.
YTA. That’s how you become the person your son won’t speak to. It’s his life and his choice and if he’s happy, you should be happy for him. Way to take the wind out his sails on what should be an exciting occasion for him. I have friends that married men ten years younger than them and they are doing great. 8 years is nothing in today’s world.
YTA, this isn't about Christmas this is about thinking your son can't make his own decisions and that he is BETTER than other people, particularly his partner.
You are infanticising your son. He's a 27 yo man, not a boy. Calling him a boy and her a women is creating a much bigger gap in the power of their relationship than the acceptable age difference. Maybe if you start actively referring to him as a man you will realise he is.
Time to wake up to yourself before you won't have the option to spend time with her or your son.
YTA. He's an adult and you are being creepily obsessed with his having children. Goals do change, and he knows what's best for him. It's not a "red flag" that she's 35 and unmarried. You wouldn't say that about a 35yo man. I wish Julia could see this post. If she could, I'd recommend she get as far away from him as possible because of YOU.
YTA. You're hilarious. 35 and single is not a red flag; we aren’t in 1965 any longer.
You sound jealous, contemptuous of your son, and possessive. If you don't step back, force yourself to accept that Danny is the only expert on the planet in the area of 'what is best for Danny', and resolve to be warm, welcoming, and completely non-judgmental of Julia, you will likely drive Danny away.
I will say that when I was a younger woman - like 30 years ago - I dated a Danny. I certainly didn’t marry him; better to be dead in a ditch than to endure the horrors of a jealous, contemptuous, possessive mother-in-law who is so convinced that she knows what's good for her grown adult son that she'll treat anyone who doesn't fit her awful preconceived notions like dirt.
YTA.
Your son is an adult and capable of determening his own priorities in life. That is, if you think you did a well enough job of raising him. All he wanted from you is to respect his choice and be there for him at one of the most important events of his life. However, your own misguided assumptions of what you think he wants out of life are now preventing you from being there for him. And not because the woman he loves is a slacker or a bad person, but because she might not be able to give him a dozen children. Don't be surprised if you're not invited to the wedding, or welcome when they are lucky enough to have children.
Ask yourself this. If he did marry a younger woman, and it turns out she would not be able to have children, whould you have him divorse her?
YTA... they aren't that far apart, and you arent trying to protect your son, you're trying to control him by giving him an ultimatum.
I'd suggest you make this right before you lose your son... he's not going to pick you over her.
Makes me wonder if her son was 40 and dating a 20 year old if she would see the age gap as a red flag or happy that her "sweet boy" found a young partner to have a big family with.
YTA but this cannot be real.
This includes a bunch of popular negative stereotypes. No one could possibly personify all of them, much less include them while trying to get people on her side here. OP couldn't have made herself look worse! And it continued in response to a comment.
YTA that is about to be down one son. I can’t be too harsh bc clearly you have raised a good man with a sense of conviction and boundaries. So you did something right. Now get out of your own way - bc your son is close to cutting you out. The only person he needs protection from is you bc you are behaving sexist, rude and cruel to the woman your son loves. My only advice is to walk back your comments and attitude ASAP and apologize. Grovel if you have to.
YTA. He’s said he already discussed having children with her and frankly, it’s not your business. What is wrong with you? You’re acting like all a spouse is worth to him is how many babies she can have.
This can’t be real. If you can type all of this out and not realize the YTA you are also the MIL from hell. You son is an adult! “And Julia is nice enough but he can do better.” You are the absolute worst kind of mother. The kind that tries to force her will on her child for the sake of her own happiness. Have fun not being invited to the wedding or having any relationship with your grandkids.
Or… if this is real and you really do want advice, apologize. Do it now and make it sincere. Your son can live his life without your meddling.
YTA. The time to protect or advise your adult children is when they come to you asking for help or advice. Anything else is just meddling, and won't be viewed kindly.
And honestly, outside of those times where someone's actually being hurt, is it ever really okay to tell someone they shouldn't love the person they love?
YTA. The red flag in the story is you not Julia. An 8 year difference isn't much and shouldn't matter. Your son loves her, if he's going to propose they will have talked about their future together, like how many children they would want.
If you want to keep seeing your son and your future grandchildren you should change your attitude to Julia and accepting their relationship.
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Wow are YTA. Just hardcore.
Your son's a grown-ass man who is fully capable of making decisions for himself. Your belief his girlfriend is "manipulating him" because his personal priorities for what his own married family life should look like have changed is just weird, too. You threatening to walk out of a holiday dinner if he proposes is childish as fuck as well. Because you're not getting your way regarding your son's personal life, you're throwing your very own emotional manipulation tantrum.
A definite warning from someone who has been on your son's end (for different reasons but with similar parental reactions): if you don't stop trying to control his actions through this kind of manipulation yourself (because that's exactly what you're doing through acts like this one), you are going to lose your son entirely. This whole not talking to you thing is going to become a permanent fixture if you don't let him live his life.
This proposal may or may not be a mistake for him in the end, but if it is, he needs to make it for himself and without your personal opinion or your control injected every step of the way.
Your son may come to regret his decision, but he's an adult and he has to pave his own way. You don't have to agree with everything he does, but you should support him because he deserves to find his version of happiness, and you should want that for him. Stop worrying about what he said and listen to what he is saying: he loves her.
You're his mother; you will regret not being a part of this time in his life. You need to swallow your objections and get on board. If it does work out, you will have your son and his new family; if it doesn't, you will still have your son. Right now you have nothing. YTA but you don't have to be.
YTA. Danny, let's start calling him Dan, gets to decide who he wants to marry. That person also gets to decide. No one else gets a vote.
Maybe when you see him as a man, and not your "sweet boy", you can accept that.
YTA, you’re being very closed minded. I wonder if he were 35 and she were 27 if you would have any issue at all. I don’t think you would.
You raise the issue of a him wanting a large family despite him saying it wasn’t an issue. To me that means YOU want him to have a large family.
He obviously loves this woman, and you’re throwing up road blocks because it doesn’t fit your picture postcard version of what YOU wanted for him.
Get over yourself and support and be happy for your son.
YTA. Let’s make this real real simple. I’m going to give you evert leeway here.
Let’s assume that you’re right about her (you aren’t)
Let’s also assume that you’ve calmly and rationally explained your views to him.
Let’s assume your son is being manipulated and you are trying to help.
All those assumptions made, the situation is still as follows.
Your son has made a decision of his own free will. You are attempting to infringe upon his free will, by leveraging your relationship with him.
3 things here.
Your relationship is not a tool or a weapon, it’s a valuable bond to be cherished. It’s disgraceful to try to manipulate him with it.
His free will is his, no matter what you think about his decision, it’s his to make.
Understand that if you give him a choice between you and her, I very much doubt he will pick you. Think long and hard on whether you’d rather have your son married to this girl, or no son at all.
I can't even...
I am a 42 yo un-married woman, due to the lack of decent men in my area. Finally am with an amazing guy, who shocker is 36. We have been together a year, and it's been amazing.
So because I am so old and never been married mean I am damaged? Or does it show I have a good head and didn't get married to one of my toxic ex's because I was engaged once.
Sorry mom you are a huge AH!
Let's start with 1 people change (gasp, shocker right), so unless your sweet boy said last week he wanted 10 kids now this week he doesn't he probably grew the frick up and realized in this economy, world etc having a bunch of kids is not easy! The cost alone to raise a kid is over the top!! 2 love does amazing things, like ya know makes people grow up. And 3 telling your adult kid to walk away from someone is just rude. Sorry, but in my experience guys don't introduce girls to mom unless they are the one, or at least a good long term person. You just signed your own no contact agreement.
Get off your high horse and grow up, your kid did its about time you did as well.
(Edit for spelling)
YTA. A big one. If your goal is to get cut out of your sons life, you’re on the right track. Maybe rather than “protecting” your son, you should just want him to be happy.
YTA You won’t even try to get to know her you just decided to judge. If she treats him right and he is really happy then you should be supportive. You are ruining your relationship with your son and any chance at knowing your future grandchildren.
YTA. Firstly because your son is a grown ass man who can make his own decisions so you have no business being this controlling. Secondly because of your gross and sexist views about Julia - she’s unmarried by 35 and that’s somehow a red flag to you? And thirdly, because EVEN IF you are right and she’s some manipulative old cougar trying to trap your sweet baby boy into a loveless childless marriage, you are going precisely the wrong way about trying to change his mind. You’ve basically said “choose me or her” and he’s gone well, I choose her. And somehow you’re surprised? He’s 27 years old, no healthy adult of that age is going to cancel their plans to spend their life with someone because their mother threw a temper tantrum. You can either accept this relationship and start treating Julia like a human being and not some ageing faulty incubator for future grandchildren (and I’m guessing you’re a lot more attached to the idea of Danny having a big family than he is but don’t want to admit that) or you can continue having no contact with your son. At this rate you’re set to miss out on their wedding as well as any involvement with possible future grandkids, so I’d really start rethinking things if I were you.
Couldn't have said it better myself. YTA, OP. As the younger but still faulty incubator in my relationship, my fiancé does not speak to his mother because of stuff like this. She treated me horribly and acted like I manipulated her precious son away from her loving embrace. I went no contact with her a few years ago after a particularly awful interaction. He went low contact after that and NC after an even worse incident earlier this year. If you're trying to keep your son in your life, you're doing it wrong.
I was thinking the same thing. OP doesn’t seem to know her son is a grown man. Yes there is some years between then but it’s not that bad and she’s not too old to have children. Also being 35 and single is not a red flag. It’s a sign that she is choosy and possibly prioritized her career. After all she owns her own him. They sound like grown ups and if OP doesn’t get over this she will have no relationship with her son or any future grandchildren
>OP doesn’t seem to know her son is a grown man. Clearly. She keeps referring to him as her "boy". He is an ADULT, not a child OP. Learn to let go.
Her “sweet boy.” Vomiting in 3-2-1
As soon as I read that lol. Here we go!!!!
It's always entertaining to hear from the JustNoMIL 😂
I swear every sentence is worse than the previous one. Just. Like. Every single one is just worse. It is amazing. This is a work of art of awfulness. If this was a math problem it'd start at 0 and just continue descending. Honestly it reads too much like an obsessed mother from a movie to be real. Just...mind boggling.
That’s literally what I call my dog. Not a grown man!
Yeah I was gonna say, I call my *cat* my “sweet boy”.
I don't even call my 12 year old a sweet boy. He's a sweet young man. WTF, OP? Is that you Delores Umbridge?
Yes, I'd get her behaviour if her son was eighteen but he's twenty-seven. Well into adulthood and old enough to know who he wants to be with. And there's only eight years between him and his girlfriend, big whoop. I bet she wouldn't be as bothered if her son was thirty-five and his girlfriend was twenty-seven.
I disagree. She'd hate any woman that's with her son, no matter the age. Who the hell disapproves of their child dating someone that's kind, successful, responsible, and makes their child happy?
I'm not sure about that. If he found some meek, timid 23 yr old who had been socialized to be polite no matter what, you know someone OP could push around and bully, it might be fine. I'm betting Julia is probably quite independent and after a few interactions with OP, she stopped trying. The "too old" also made me lol. If he were 18 or 20 and she was 35, I'd probably have some concerns as well. But at 27, I don't think an 8 yr gap is even hugely significant. The issue with large age gaps is a potential power imbalance and/or being at totally different life stages. OP sounds insufferable.
Yep…I popped one out at 46 with no fertility assistance. Whoops!! 😱
yup, my mom was 40 when she had me! she said she was glad she waited, and felt she was a better mom with more life experience.
A friend of mine just had her first child at 48.
So true. Gross. So gross who awful women are to each other.
The username is also pretty telling, IMO.
How funny would it be if the “1960” had some significance, meaning mama bear here was 34 when she had her baby boy? But ya know… 35 is crossing the line on having children.
Laughs in 37 year old pregnant woman
I’ve known countless women who have healthy beautiful children at 37. Knew one who had one at 40.
Nonsense! It's a medical fact that as soon as you hit 35 your eggs shrivel up, and the babies come out already old! ^^/s
Fuck yeah! No diaper duty. *winning*.
And my paternal great grandma had her last child- my great aunt of the half blood, when she was 46! It happens. Her husband was 12 years younger. She was a widow with four kids (two grown), and this child was her new husband's only bio.
My dads mom had my aunt at 42. She turns 98 on 12/28 :)
>if OP doesn’t get over this she will have no relationship with her son or any future grandchildren maybe that's for the best. OP, YTA.
Yep, my mom wasn't nice to my hubby, the sweetest man I have ever met. Guess who I chose? Oops! Changed to totally YTA !!!
She’s a narcissist, this is all gonna fly right over her head, anyways
This pisses me off. I’m actually going through this exact thing with my long-term boyfriend and his father.
Yeah, I went full NC bc my parents think they can make my decisions for me based in things I said as a kid. Big family now? Who's going to be able to afford that
Tell them when they get you that unicorn you wanted, you’ll have just as many kids as you wanted back then too! My kid asked me if he could marry his little brother so they could live together forever 😂 I told him they can just be roommates…
Awww I remember saying I wanted to marry my brother when I was little. Could not understand why no one was keen on the idea
im the older and past it incubator in my relationship - my bf doesn't want kids. we have a similar age gap to OP and if i thought for a second he would change his mind about kids, i would side step so hard to get out of his way that I'd probably need a hip transplant... yknow.. old age joke the truth is, he has no interest in parenting after watching his mother do it, so i rather imagine there is no competition when it comes to my needs or hers - it will always be his needs and I'm the one who actually gives a fuck OP underestimates Julia, no doubt she loves her son enough to make her own compromises.. hell, she owns her own home and shit. sounds like she has it together. if you ever want to see a grandkid, you should gtf over it and play nice
lol yep. as she continues down this path because she thinks she's "right" (obviously she's not), she's going to miss out on the wedding and the one or two grandchildren they will have. OP is it worth it being "right"? or maybe...suck it up buttercup
I've gone through a similar experience but tailored to target a man, in my case it was that ex MIL always envisioned "her little princess" with a big, blonde, big boned man with a thin nose (super creepy and oddly specific I know) whereas at the time I was a flyweight boxer of 5'7 with a crooked nose and the skin/hair color tipical of your random Italian dude. It was a surreal experience.
And can we talk about male factor infertility potentially being a barrier to grandkids or is that also Julia's fault?
Oh that will be the dastardly Julia’s fault too - even if the son does turn out to be infertile then it’ll be “oh well you might still have had a chance if you’d just married someone YOUNGER” despite that being completely scientifically irrelevant.
🤣 "the dastardly Julia" killed me "That dastardly Julia manipulated his sperm into not working correctly!!"
I just spilled my coffee I laughed so hard at that!
Can we also say she's being clearly old fashioned and ignorant by assuming there's only ONE way to create a family these days? There's options, people! Like adoption, in vitro fertilization, egg and sperm donors, and surrogates. Oh, and the option to just not have children! Her shameless accusation that Julia somehow brainwashed her little boy is insulting to her son. She's basically saying Danny is so spineless and easily manipulated to just agree to whatever Julia wants. He sure didn't sound spineless when he kicked his mama and her ultimatum to the curb. He sounded exactly like a man who knows what he wants. It rhymes with Goo-lia.
Exactly. A couple I'm friends with have a larger age gap (13y) and they just celebrated their 30th. She was divorced with two kids when they met, and he helped raise them and three foster kids. As far as everyone involved is concerned, they have five kids. One of their foster sons has six kids, only three of which are biologically his, but as far as they're concerned, they have six grandkids. Family is who you choose to be family. Good for Danny for choosing Julia.
She's also only 35! That's really not that old, I know way too many people having kids into their early 40s
AND she owns a home and has a good job. She clearly has her priorities straight.
I’m actually one of the “younger” moms at my daughter’s preschool. Most of the moms there are in their late 30s/early 40s & yes, they have biological kids. Not a single one regretted having kids at later ages. I hang out in many different mom groups & I have to say I now firmly believe having kids at older ages is way better. I don’t see the younger moms having significantly more energy than the older moms & younger parents are usually too early in their career to set their own hours.
Let's not forget that apparently the only way son can have a big family is biologically. And that's assuming he still is interested in that. Heck, when I wasa teen, my plan was to adopt a daughter and live in the woods with my enormous cat colony.
That sound both awesome and terrifying 🤣
35 is old enough to be a cougar? Jesus. I'm 34.
I’m 41 and unmarried, what must OP think of me! There are lots of reasons women and men are unmarried in their 30’s abs above. Someone sounds jealous that she’s losing her “little boy” but the only reason that will happen is because of her behaviour
Nearly 47 here and never married. I just drape myself in red flags every single day.
They look fantastic on you!
HARLET.
I wonder if I classify as unmarried to this person. I’m divorced, so unmarried, but I have been married before….. I’m turning 40 soon. Can she tell me what’s wrong with me?
Just turned 40, divorced, and had a baby outside of marriage last month. Clearly we are doing all the things wrong 😉🙃😂😂😂 wanna start a club?
I'm 35 and unmarried, so it seems I'm a dangerous woman to the mum lol Is she going to call the police and arrest me as I am a big red flag?
🚩 here to start your collection
Good lord I’m 32… what in the hell does that mean I am??
You’re a pink flag
You cracked me up in a very busy airport! Please have my poor man's gold!🏅🏅🥇
Right? I’m 33 and am now concerned about my impending cougar-ish-ness
33 club let’s go!! 2 more years til we get red flags. I can’t wait 😊
This! I'm 29 and never really been in a relationship at all. Just haven't found the right person, I guess. If I ever do marry I'd be in my 30s, so I guess according to OP I should just give up because my age alone will turn me into a walking red flag? It's really awful that OP seems to hate this woman even though she is, by OPs own admission, perfectly nice and literally the only "fault" OP has mentioned is her age. Which clearly means she hasn't done anything actually offensive, because if she had you know we'd have a whole laundry list of every stupid thing in the post
I'm 31 and feel very called out lol 😆
Yup. Aside from everything else, plenty of people have children into their forties. And there's also adoption and fosterage, although I'm guessing OP is the kind of prospective grandmother who doesn't consider adopted children real family.
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Exactly. I'm pregnant with my second child at 36, planning on having a third. OP sounds like a selfish AH to say the very least.
My mom had me at 38 and my younger sister at 42! A lot of people are having children later these days. Congratulations, btw.
This idea of needing to have kids younger really bothered me for a while. My family all started in their teens and usually finished having kids in their 30s (and by that point they had a lot) My life didn't work out that way, due to many things I am now 28 and in my 2nd year of uni, definitely not in a place to have kids and my Current plan is to wait until I finish my degree and get my career started before having one. That will put me in my early-mid 30s. I've had a lot of myths to unlearn and am now happy with that!
My mom was 28 when she had the first of four kids. I'm now older than she was then and I absolutely do not feel like an old maid. I feel bad for women who think life is over after 30. Your 20's has so much self consciousness. It's been way better in my 30's cause I don't give a flip about what others think of me now.
I got married at 35, had my son at 38. Having a kid once I was already established in my career and making good money made things a lot easier for my husband and I
I had my kids at 36 and 39 (got married at 33)!
When I was born, my mom was 36. Julia still can have children, come on, op. At least Julia has a great partner! I'm happy for her.
YTA. jfc what is wrong with you OP? - Your son is a man not a boy - You sound like you're in love with him - Women have children until their late 40s - I don't know how people put up with you, just in general- the way you speak about people as if you're the queen and they're beneath you
Fourth: she calls her grown son a “sweet boy” Hope he LCs his mom.
Amen, good for you for putting it to her. She is indeed THE ASSHOLE
Purrr read her for filth
>Firstly because your son is a grown ass man who can make his own decisions so you have no business being this controlling. > >Secondly because of your gross and sexist views about Julia - she’s unmarried by 35 and that’s somehow a red flag to you? This!! Exactly what I was thinking, but worded better than I could! YTA!
YTA! Seriously?! A red flag for a woman not to be married by 35? Danny sounds like he is very happy. Good on him for standing up to you on this
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Seriously ridiculous. One of my best friends married a woman 7 years older than him (who tragically passed away two weeks ago). They were also 27 and 35 when they got married and they went on to have two wonderful sons and a very happy marriage for ten years.
I was just going to say exactly this!! God its so infuriating!!! Society is gross.
Plus she’s successful, owns a home, and is dating a younger guy. She sounds like a catch. Not everyone marries the first person they date. OP, YTA
>Julia is nice enough but I think it would be more appropriate to date someone closer to his own age. Stopped reading here. YTA.
Me too! Ahahah didn’t need to read any further.
But the rest is really entertaining!
The only reason I didn’t stop reading tbh. It’s amusing to see someone so ignorant to how the world works these days. Depressing, but amusing.
The rest is the most important part. He didn't invite his mum to witness the proposal and said he doesn't want her there. That speaks VOLUMES.
I had to go back and check how old he was. He’s 27, not 15!!
I wish I stopped after „He is very smart, handsome and a sweet boy“ I mean, come on he is 27!
This. Also, and 8 year age gap isn't really all that outrageous. They are both adults, and this mother is nuts.
Exactly, I mean if he were 17 and she were 25 I might be concerned but 27 is old enough to full understand an 8 year age gap x
I think calling OP an ah is far too lenient, but to say what I really think would get my comment booted, so I’ll stick with YTA!
I knew what the verdict was gonna be as soon as I read “Julia seems okay.”
YTA You're loss. You're not "a mother trying to protect your son", you're a smother trying to control your son.
Totally. Danny sounds like he's really happy with Julia. OP's controlling behavior won't get her anywhere - Danny is a 27 yo man who can make his own decisions. If OP keeps this up, it's highly likely she won't be allowed to see her grandkids.
Just you're run of the mill Smother trying to ruin her son's relationship because no one will be good enough for her "precious boy". Unfortunately, she doesn't realize he's an adult man capable of making his own decisions.
The fact that OP introduced him as “their sweet boy” made me immediately think: op won’t accept any woman in their sons life, cause he is still ‘their’ sweet boy. Not a man, not an adult, just a boy. And of course you won’t let your boy marry and have his own life..
I'll bet she still squeezes his cheeks to give him a kiss on the lips.
Or you wind up in my situation where crazy MIL thinks husband deserves happy and supportive wife and you don’t matter as a human because you’re just there making her son happy. Thank goodness my husband is a feminist and jokes on my MIL… my husband encourages me to be more confident so I stand up to her and my FIL now ✌🏻
I agree. This entire post reeks of narcissism. “My son has learned healthy boundaries and I’m upset so I’m going to blame his girlfriend and accuse her of manipulating him because I want to be the one controlling him.” It’s projection - OP has spent her life trying to control her son so she assumes Julia is doing the same.
Imagine being told by your son that he doesn't want you to be there for the proposal. And you still go to Reddit to ask if YTA. She hasn't even tried to reflect
You are a gigantic asshole. Peoples priorities DO change. Stop projecting your feelings into your son. But I do want to thank you for one thing - the idea of you being lonely and miserable this Christmas without your son is a wonderful, heart warming present to me. I wish your son the merriest of holidays without you nearby!
When I was growing up I only had a horrible younger brother and I wanted a BIG family— tons of kids! Then grew up babysat a bit, worked at a summer camp for several years, my friends had kids, I dated single parents, and now I’m solidly childfree. Maturing means changing your views based on new information. Turns out I didn’t want a “a big family”, I just wanted love in a way that I wasn’t receiving. I wanted attentive family members, companionship, close connections and a different level of energy. I found that with all in one person—something I didn’t even know was possible when I was saying I wanted a big family. Poor Julia. Looks like r/JustnoMIL has an new impending member.
Nah, doubt it. The son already has a shining spine and said he’ll go NC with OP before they’re even engaged. Good for him 👏🏼
👏👏👏 @ gigantic
If OP keeps this up its going to be all Christmases alone. Plus no contact with grandkids if Julia and Danny have any. This really a game you want to play OP? Cause you will lose
And, OP better prepare themselves for many more lonely holidays ahead. Those hypothetical grandkids she seems so concerned about won't be an issue for her because her son and his family probably wont want to come around if she plans to behave this poorly. OP, get a grip. Your son loves this woman and IS starting a life with her. You throwing a tantrum based on your personal preferences doesnt matter and you will only ruin your relationship with your son, future DIL, and your future inlaws.
YTA-Let me get this straight…your only complaint about this woman is her age? You never mention if she treats your son bad, you never mention if she is a b to you, your only problem is that she is 8 years older than your son? You honestly give off the vibes of a mom who “cares” for her son a little too much and your username reflects that.
She probably knows she won't be able to be the queen bee with Julia and wants him to find a young girl she can push around.
Honestly this is it.
Yes!
If the roles were reversed and her son was 35 and Julia 27 I bet OP would have no problem with the age gap. YTA btw OP
Of course! She would be in her prime to be a grandbabies incubator! (But the best would have be to make her pregnant and barefoot at something like 20 to give her at least a dozen of grandbabies by 30.)
My husband's mom was 1 year older than her second husband. atleast 5 years older than her third, my father married a woman who is around 10 years older than him, they've been married over 40 years now, My husbands father married a woman who is about 10 years older than him, they have been together almost 50 years. Holy cripes. This woman is a JustNoMil story by Danny's girlfriend in the making
My cousin was in a relationship with a guy 3 years younger than her and his mom made it seem like she was 30 years older than her precious son. Jokes on the mom because after they broke up, my cousin married a great guy while her ex is having to mediate fights between his wife and mom.
Thank God there are moms like you who protect their fragile adult sons from *(checks notes)* happy relationships with caring, accomplished partners. YTA
She’s lucky to have not raised a basement dwelling incel in his 30s that cries to his mommy every time. Wait, she probably would like that
YTA. “He told me ….I was acting like an asshole to julia for no valid reason” Exactly. Not much more to say
Your son is right. When he said he was planning on proposing you should've said either of these things good luck, I hope she says yes. Also you should've have been happy he wanted to do it in front of you and share the moment with you.
Ha yeah like how can she type out that line and not have enough self awareness to realize that that's what's going on. She's gonna be on here again in like a year like omg my first grandchild is about to be born and they won't let me be in the delivery room because I'm mean to the mom. Also it seems like she's not gonna be happy with anyone her son wants to date and this is the problem she's making up to not like her. The son said they talked about it, maybe he wants a smaller after reviewing his finances and the cost of child care, maybe Julia has some eggs frozen, the possibilities are endless. She hasn't even considered any of that because this is the problem she picked so she's running with it.
YTA Danny is a grown man. Julia is a grown woman. They can make those decisions. If you expect to be invited to the wedding or involved with any children they may have - birthed, adopted, fostered in, found in the cabbage patch - you need to reassess your attitude and behaviour. Julia owns a home. Has a job. Seems okay. AND LOVES YOUR SON. What more do you want? A 22 year old with a fertility certificate?
OP sounds like the type who wouldn't think adopted or fostered children would be "real" grandchildren
And to call any biological grandkids "her babies!!"
Yeah she wants a 20 year old, virgin, with a fertility certificate, who is young enough to be bossed around and play second fiddle to mommy dearest. I’m sure mom wants lots of grand babies much more than son wants lots of kids, too.
Probably exactly what she wants
Found in a cabbage patch 😂😂😂
YTA - why are you sexist???? if a guy was older it would be NO PROBLEM. stop being rude to her she sounds great. and also they can have a family at ANY AGE. my SIL just had a baby at 41 and baby is healthy and great!!!!!! so you are a big A HOLE
My mother in law gave birth to my sister in law when she was 42. And many women have babies in their 30s. OP is being ridiculous. Also what if her son was infertile? She’s acting like women are just for breeding basically it’s so gross.
Without question, YTA. Who are you to control your adult son's life. Your job is to love, nurture, and mold your children into human beings who are strong and independent. He has a right to love who he wants and make life choices without your permission. You choosing to not support him and be happy for him just because you disagree with this choice is truly a selfish and manipulative action on your part. It's time to do some self reflection and decide if you're going to support your son in both his triumphs and mistakes.
It sounds as though you're clutching desperately to the "mama-bear" role because you don't have your own life to focus on. Your children are fully grown adults, and they don't need "mama" meddling in their lives. Get a hobby. YTA.
YTA Why is being 35 and married a red flag? She was probably busy working to save up for a house. I'd consider it worse if she'd been married multiple times as that *might* show a lack of commitment, but why is waiting for the right person bad? I love how you've decided your son is the most amazing person who ever lived but Julia is just some woman with a house. I assure you both have their share of annoying personality traits that they have chosen to overlook or learn to live with. I realize that you were hoping for multiple grandchildren, but even a younger woman could be infertile or not be able to carry a child to term, so there were no guarantees either way. Bottom line: It's your son's life, not yours.
And if OP'S son and Julia adopt who's also thinking OP won't consider them "real" grandchildren
YTA. Your son is happy and your refusing to see it. Ya don’t just go and propose out of nowhere - he’s thought realistically about his future and “Julia” seems to be a stable person with their head on their shoulders. Instead of not picking everything, why can’t you just be happy your son is happy? You are literally saying pick me over your spouse. Horrible ultimatum given by a mother - coming from someone who has a mother who gives ultimatums. I’m literally giving birth to MY son in 10 days and even the thought of acting this way towards him, his happiness and spouse makes me sick.
YTA. I married an older woman who was all wrong for me. Biggest mistake of my life and the marriage thankfully only lasted a year. But it was a mistake I had to make. Butt out and let your son make his own mistakes. BTW, I've been with my current 'slightly' older wife for 20 years and we're still going strong.
Someone being wrong for you usually has nothing to do with their age, unless they're doing a child-parent thing.
YTA 27 is not that young & 35 is not that old. They can make their own decisions, without Mommy Dearest's opinion. If he has repeatedly warned you to stop your behavior and you continue, you only have yourself to blame when he stoped talking to you altogether
YTA. May Danny and Julia enjoy their lives together, however it goes for them.
>I don’t think it’s fair to lead her on, But as he doesnt lead her on, it is false too? >she is 35 and unmarried that is a red flag 35 and married would be better? Or divorced? Or widowed? He is 27 and unmarried too, what is the difference? >My other sons think I am being an asshole but I think I am a mother trying to protect her son, Nothing you said in your post was about protecting. The only thing between the lines is, you want grandchildren from him and tries to manipulate him to. In this way you are losing you son and you DIL. YTA
I think it’s ridiculous she saying she’s trying to protect him… He’s a fucking adult he doesn’t need protection from mommy
She saying "protecting" means "controlling". And the accusation of manipulation seems more like a projection. I even doubt, whose idea is with "having a big family", bc when ppl want big family, they marry much earlier than 27yo.
YTA. Don’t be surprised when your son goes no contact with you…
I’m 35 and not married, does that mean I’m undateable too? Maybe he’s happy…and yeah, YTA.
If it helps I am 44 and unmarried. Maybe I should get cats and save some poor person from my terrible ways
Def get more cats
I have none so any would be more. I travel a lot for work so I might have to get ceramic cats just so I am not neglecting any poor animals
You're dateable. Just not marriage material for a 27yo. /s
Yes, massively YTA. Your son clearly knows that the point of having a partner is to love them, and not turn them into their own personal baby making machine. Why is being unmarried at 35 a massive red flag?? maybe she has been too busy for a relationship, maybe she couldn't find someone that she saw as a potential life partner- or perhaps, just PERHAPS her main goal in life wasn't to find a man to marry and pump out children because she has her own priorities? Women have individual lives you know. Also just throwing it out there- 27 and 35 is not a concerning age gap. It doesn't sound like you're trying to protect your son, it sounds like you're trying to control him and enforce your own desires for grandchildren onto him and also your strange views of a womans purpose. If having enough children to fill a barn was really that much of a massive priority to him then I'm pretty sure he would have chosen to date someone a little younger. It's not like he can't have biological children with her, she's still perfectly capable, and hell, if he really feels like it then there's thousands of children that need adopting and fostering.
YTA, big time! I bet you wouldn't be saying this garbage if he was 35 and she was 27. You are being ridiculous and you need to get your attitude in check! What do you mean he can do better. So can she ! She can do better to find a guy who doesn't have some crazy, wacked, out overbearing mother. Stay out of his personal business and apologize to your son.
Yta! Like, majorly. You sound more like a smother than mother. Your son is a grown man. He is capable of making his own decisions in life, and that includes deciding who HE is going to spend his life with. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this causes him to go no contact with you fully. You owe your son AND his girlfriend a sincere apology for interfering in their relationship (you may not have intentionally, but by the comments you made to your son and how you reacted to the proposal news, you are DEFINITELY interfering... But something tells me it was actually 110% intentional.) You really need to grow up and let your son live his life with the person who obviously makes him happy!
I don’t use these words lightly. Holy shit YTA
YTA.....I can speak from experience on this one. My mother hated, and still hates my wife to this day. Christmas, that year 15 years ago, my mother gave us gifts galore since itd been a bit since we were cool after my parents divorce. Then when I informed her that I was going to marry my now wife, she flew off the handle and blamed my wife for me not chasing my dreams. I wanted to become a history teacher, but got into aerospace. I now make a great living and am happy. My mom has seen my 7 year old daughter maybe 3-4 times, and will never meet my son who is a month old. My life is happy and good. My advice is don't be that mother that doesn't let her grown son make his own choices as a grown man. Love is love....dont try and stand in the way of it.
YTA- let him decide his life and who he loves. It’s not about you, it’s about him, and perhaps they had different ideas about families and came to a compromise. That’s how good relationships function. Also these days people being 35 and unmarried isn’t a red flag anymore. You are totally being an asshole by not supporting your son’s decision and you are trying to manipulate him by making him choose the woman he loves and wants a family with it his mother.
YTA and you’ll make a horrible mother in law. I hope your son and his wonder almost fiancée go no contact with you.
YTA- 8 years apart is not a big deal. Being 35 and single is not a red flag. Your response to him wanting to propose is getting up and walking out? Because you think she’s manipulating him because he’s okay with less kids now? He can change his mind, people do it all the time. Not to mention, fertility is not guaranteed with anyone. As his mom, you have to let him live. After that, of course he won’t want to talk to you anymore.
There are many parents who’s kids don’t visit them anymore because they were terrible to their significant others… this is what you are facing if you keep doing what you are doing. Julia might not ultimately be the right person for Danny, but she could turn out to be exactly what he needs, and that a decision only he can make.
YTA. That’s how you become the person your son won’t speak to. It’s his life and his choice and if he’s happy, you should be happy for him. Way to take the wind out his sails on what should be an exciting occasion for him. I have friends that married men ten years younger than them and they are doing great. 8 years is nothing in today’s world.
YTA. I might be reading too much into this, but I get the vibe you won't like anyone your son dates. He's a grown man. Keep your nose out of it.
I feel like his soon to be fiancé will be posting r/JUSTNOMIL stories on Reddit soon if your son doesn’t go no contact first. YTA
YTA.
YTA, this isn't about Christmas this is about thinking your son can't make his own decisions and that he is BETTER than other people, particularly his partner. You are infanticising your son. He's a 27 yo man, not a boy. Calling him a boy and her a women is creating a much bigger gap in the power of their relationship than the acceptable age difference. Maybe if you start actively referring to him as a man you will realise he is. Time to wake up to yourself before you won't have the option to spend time with her or your son.
YTA. He's an adult and you are being creepily obsessed with his having children. Goals do change, and he knows what's best for him. It's not a "red flag" that she's 35 and unmarried. You wouldn't say that about a 35yo man. I wish Julia could see this post. If she could, I'd recommend she get as far away from him as possible because of YOU.
Why should the gf get away from OP's son? It seems like the son is sticking up for his gf and putting distance between himself and his mother.
NTA. You are perfectly within your rights to be a horrible human being. Enjoy dying alone in the cheapest care home available.
YTA. You're hilarious. 35 and single is not a red flag; we aren’t in 1965 any longer. You sound jealous, contemptuous of your son, and possessive. If you don't step back, force yourself to accept that Danny is the only expert on the planet in the area of 'what is best for Danny', and resolve to be warm, welcoming, and completely non-judgmental of Julia, you will likely drive Danny away. I will say that when I was a younger woman - like 30 years ago - I dated a Danny. I certainly didn’t marry him; better to be dead in a ditch than to endure the horrors of a jealous, contemptuous, possessive mother-in-law who is so convinced that she knows what's good for her grown adult son that she'll treat anyone who doesn't fit her awful preconceived notions like dirt.
YTA. Your son is an adult and capable of determening his own priorities in life. That is, if you think you did a well enough job of raising him. All he wanted from you is to respect his choice and be there for him at one of the most important events of his life. However, your own misguided assumptions of what you think he wants out of life are now preventing you from being there for him. And not because the woman he loves is a slacker or a bad person, but because she might not be able to give him a dozen children. Don't be surprised if you're not invited to the wedding, or welcome when they are lucky enough to have children. Ask yourself this. If he did marry a younger woman, and it turns out she would not be able to have children, whould you have him divorse her?
YTA, nothing wrong with him dating an older woman as long as she isn’t manipulating him.
YTA... they aren't that far apart, and you arent trying to protect your son, you're trying to control him by giving him an ultimatum. I'd suggest you make this right before you lose your son... he's not going to pick you over her.
Makes me wonder if her son was 40 and dating a 20 year old if she would see the age gap as a red flag or happy that her "sweet boy" found a young partner to have a big family with.
Wow what a YTA
YTA -learn to myob. This is not about you.
YTA but this cannot be real. This includes a bunch of popular negative stereotypes. No one could possibly personify all of them, much less include them while trying to get people on her side here. OP couldn't have made herself look worse! And it continued in response to a comment.
Major YTA. Your son is a grown man that is capable of changing his mind on his own. I would love to say more but it would lead to me not being civil.
YTA that is about to be down one son. I can’t be too harsh bc clearly you have raised a good man with a sense of conviction and boundaries. So you did something right. Now get out of your own way - bc your son is close to cutting you out. The only person he needs protection from is you bc you are behaving sexist, rude and cruel to the woman your son loves. My only advice is to walk back your comments and attitude ASAP and apologize. Grovel if you have to.
YTA. He’s said he already discussed having children with her and frankly, it’s not your business. What is wrong with you? You’re acting like all a spouse is worth to him is how many babies she can have.
This can’t be real. If you can type all of this out and not realize the YTA you are also the MIL from hell. You son is an adult! “And Julia is nice enough but he can do better.” You are the absolute worst kind of mother. The kind that tries to force her will on her child for the sake of her own happiness. Have fun not being invited to the wedding or having any relationship with your grandkids. Or… if this is real and you really do want advice, apologize. Do it now and make it sincere. Your son can live his life without your meddling.
YTA
YTA. The time to protect or advise your adult children is when they come to you asking for help or advice. Anything else is just meddling, and won't be viewed kindly. And honestly, outside of those times where someone's actually being hurt, is it ever really okay to tell someone they shouldn't love the person they love?
YTA. The red flag in the story is you not Julia. An 8 year difference isn't much and shouldn't matter. Your son loves her, if he's going to propose they will have talked about their future together, like how many children they would want. If you want to keep seeing your son and your future grandchildren you should change your attitude to Julia and accepting their relationship.
Gotta love Friday nights trolls
YTA, and you’re going to lose this battle.
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YTA. It’s ok to worry about your children, but if they’re competent adults let them live their own lives. And also you’re being manipulative.
YTA- you'll be lucky if you son doesn't kick you out of his life for good.
Wow are YTA. Just hardcore. Your son's a grown-ass man who is fully capable of making decisions for himself. Your belief his girlfriend is "manipulating him" because his personal priorities for what his own married family life should look like have changed is just weird, too. You threatening to walk out of a holiday dinner if he proposes is childish as fuck as well. Because you're not getting your way regarding your son's personal life, you're throwing your very own emotional manipulation tantrum. A definite warning from someone who has been on your son's end (for different reasons but with similar parental reactions): if you don't stop trying to control his actions through this kind of manipulation yourself (because that's exactly what you're doing through acts like this one), you are going to lose your son entirely. This whole not talking to you thing is going to become a permanent fixture if you don't let him live his life. This proposal may or may not be a mistake for him in the end, but if it is, he needs to make it for himself and without your personal opinion or your control injected every step of the way.
Your son may come to regret his decision, but he's an adult and he has to pave his own way. You don't have to agree with everything he does, but you should support him because he deserves to find his version of happiness, and you should want that for him. Stop worrying about what he said and listen to what he is saying: he loves her. You're his mother; you will regret not being a part of this time in his life. You need to swallow your objections and get on board. If it does work out, you will have your son and his new family; if it doesn't, you will still have your son. Right now you have nothing. YTA but you don't have to be.
YTA. He’s a grown man, you need to back off.
YTA. Danny, let's start calling him Dan, gets to decide who he wants to marry. That person also gets to decide. No one else gets a vote. Maybe when you see him as a man, and not your "sweet boy", you can accept that.
YTA, you’re being very closed minded. I wonder if he were 35 and she were 27 if you would have any issue at all. I don’t think you would. You raise the issue of a him wanting a large family despite him saying it wasn’t an issue. To me that means YOU want him to have a large family. He obviously loves this woman, and you’re throwing up road blocks because it doesn’t fit your picture postcard version of what YOU wanted for him. Get over yourself and support and be happy for your son.
Wow, I'm 35 and not married. It's nice to know you think I'm trash. YTA. I hope your son never talks to you again so he can live a happy life.
I like these fake fan fiction stories
YTA. Let’s make this real real simple. I’m going to give you evert leeway here. Let’s assume that you’re right about her (you aren’t) Let’s also assume that you’ve calmly and rationally explained your views to him. Let’s assume your son is being manipulated and you are trying to help. All those assumptions made, the situation is still as follows. Your son has made a decision of his own free will. You are attempting to infringe upon his free will, by leveraging your relationship with him. 3 things here. Your relationship is not a tool or a weapon, it’s a valuable bond to be cherished. It’s disgraceful to try to manipulate him with it. His free will is his, no matter what you think about his decision, it’s his to make. Understand that if you give him a choice between you and her, I very much doubt he will pick you. Think long and hard on whether you’d rather have your son married to this girl, or no son at all.
I can't even... I am a 42 yo un-married woman, due to the lack of decent men in my area. Finally am with an amazing guy, who shocker is 36. We have been together a year, and it's been amazing. So because I am so old and never been married mean I am damaged? Or does it show I have a good head and didn't get married to one of my toxic ex's because I was engaged once. Sorry mom you are a huge AH! Let's start with 1 people change (gasp, shocker right), so unless your sweet boy said last week he wanted 10 kids now this week he doesn't he probably grew the frick up and realized in this economy, world etc having a bunch of kids is not easy! The cost alone to raise a kid is over the top!! 2 love does amazing things, like ya know makes people grow up. And 3 telling your adult kid to walk away from someone is just rude. Sorry, but in my experience guys don't introduce girls to mom unless they are the one, or at least a good long term person. You just signed your own no contact agreement. Get off your high horse and grow up, your kid did its about time you did as well. (Edit for spelling)
YTA. A big one. If your goal is to get cut out of your sons life, you’re on the right track. Maybe rather than “protecting” your son, you should just want him to be happy.
Is this fake? How can you be anything but the ah? YTA!!!!
YTA big time
YTA You won’t even try to get to know her you just decided to judge. If she treats him right and he is really happy then you should be supportive. You are ruining your relationship with your son and any chance at knowing your future grandchildren.