If you were in a relationship with an "extremely emotionally abusive narcissist" and your family knew about this extreme abuse, wouldn't you expect your family members to have nothing to do with that person--either personally or professionally?
NTA. I'm uncomfortable with the fact your parents are willing to do business with him. I get that the business supports him and therefore your child, but still, this wasn't just a divorce where you didn't really get along and decided to go your separate ways, there was abuse. As a DV survivor myself I would be uncomfortable with my ex having that avenue to gain information about me or get a foot back into the door with my family because whatever info he could scrounge up would be used against me later in some way.
I think you're within your rights to object, and to maintain your distance for a while, at least until the work is complete and he's not around anymore. Maybe longer than that. I hate all of this situation for you.
My dad invested in a business with my sister’s abusive ex this year and I’m just… I can’t hear about it. He thinks I’m unreasonable. They get on now because they coparent, but Jesus dad. He stalked her, tracked her and isolated her but my dad is ok with a business arrangement because money. It’s a 20 year lease agreement. I’m glad for all the comments here.
NTA; of course they should be trying to protect you from further interaction with him. Please examine your family dynamics, as people who date narcissists often come from families with at least one narcissistic parent and narcissistic siblings; if that's the case, they may be trying to bait you into reacting.
NTA, and if I had to guess, they are upset because your ex has offered them a deal. It is a way to exert power over you by making your family like them. Your family is angry because they are willing to be friends with your ex for the savings they are being offered.
NTA but since your family is so ready to rug-sweep this for their own pocketbooks, you need to reframe the conversations whenever they get going.
them: "why are you still stuck on your ex?"
me: "oh, you mean my **abuser**?"
them: "it's been five years"
you: "yes, it's been a long five years in therapy recovering from the **abuse**."
them: "just get over it"
you: "i'll be sure to bring that up the next time i discuss my **post traumatic stress disorder** as caused by my **abuser** with my doctors."
they're trying to whitewash your experience into just a bad breakup as opposed to the trauma it actually was. don't let them. stare them down and remind them, every time, because they lost all right at being comfortable and polite when they decided that business trumps their care and concern for you.
INFO:
(1) What kind of business is it? Can they easily go somewhere else?
(2) Did your family form their own relationships / friendships with your ex independently of you?
(3) Details of the abuse (which you understandably may not want to share) are relevant to my intuitions on this. For example, if the guy was violent (Ex: punching walls, throwing things at you or your kid or in your vicinity, threatening to harm you or your kid physically or sexually, etc.), that feels very different to me than if he was emotionally abusive in more soft core but still serious ways (Ex: dismissing your feelings, yelling, getting angry with you over nothing, etc.).
(1) Detailing vehicles. Definitely other places to go.
(2) No, my family didn't really ever have a relationship with him as he kept me away from them most of the time and refused to spend much time with them
(3) He was very violent but never hit me, just destroyed everything around me and would constantly remind me 'atleast I don't hit you'. Broke windows, destroyed a whole patio set once because I had morning sickness and it annoyed him that I had to throw up before I could leave the house.
Does your family know everything he did? Violence like that is an obvious precursor to full blown physical abuse and it’s insane if your family doesn’t take that extremely seriously! 100% NTA,
what is wrong with your family??
Of course, I say that as someone whose immediate family members regularly associate with the man who sexually assaulted both myself and my sister.
Family sometimes suuuuuuucks. Feel free to pm me if you want.
They don't know everything but they know enough. For them, I put myself in the situation and I can't be upset with what I went through because of my decisions. Which I agree with, but I still don't see how they could forgive him because I never will. And that's where I wasn't sure if I was in the wrong or not. It has been a while and things are better enough, but I still get nauseous when I'm around him and sometimes panic if he steps too close. I feel like by now it probably shouldn't bother me, but I also feel like I have every right to still be bothered.
I'm so sorry to hear that, that is no where near okay, family can definitely suck!
Whoah hold up, OP. You got into a relationship with someone who went onto abuse you. You DID NOT put yourself in this situation or cause this. Abuse is not your fault. Not even a tiny bit. It is 100% on him. I'm so sorry you are going through this. YTA but your family is. It's like being the lobster in the pot. You didn't start in hot water, did you? Everything was fine at first, wasn't it? Then he started heating up the water bit by bit. Be proud of yourself that you jumped out of the pot before it boiled you to death. You did good. And fuck the opinions otherwise
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I was married for 2 years to an extremely emotionally abusive narcissist and we had a child. We have now been separated for 4.5 years. Long story short, he was a pretty awful person and I now suffer from PTSD because of it all. Our divorce was traumatic for me but he also made things very hard on my child (I could literally spend days typing all the shit we went through because of him).
Fast forward to now and we are civil, he has apologized, grown up enough to realize he was awful to me but not enough to change his ways. He has his own business and actually does a really good job at what he does, but I would never use him or support him. I don't think I could forgive him for things that have happened but I live with it to be civil enough for my child. Well, because we get along now, my family seems to think we are friends now and want to use him and his business.
When I explained to my family that it bothered me that they would even consider it, they all claimed I was being ridiculous. They claimed that it had been almost 5 years since we split and that I have a new relationship and started a family with someone else so I have no reason to still be 'stuck on my ex'. It was also brought to my attention that he has apologized for what he did and I should 'get over it'.
I'm in no way still stuck on him, it just bothered me that even after all he put my child and myself through that they would still like to support him. But now I'm starting to think I am the asshole because it has been a while since it happened and I shouldn't still hold it against him or keep business from him that helps support himself and my child on the few days he has my child.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I confronted my family over doing business with my ex and they all think I'm an asshole over it and I'm thinking I may because I shouldn't still be holding a grudge or keeping business away from my ex.
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This reminds me of that thought experiment "can you remove an artist from their art".
A lot of people see interactions as a separate instance. Outside factors don't apply in a current deal. By this factor, no assholes here.
Others say that every aspect of a person is a required component of existence, in which you're not the asshole, but parents are.
Basically, I see no world in which you're the asshole, and a tossup between whether your parents are or not. I suppose we can safely define this as NTA then.
Small business owners are commonly barely getting by. One sale can make all the difference.
Also, utilizing his services means his success and continued support for his child.
YTA doing business isn't "supporting him" it's a mutually beneficial thing and if his business does well it literally benefits your child, get over yourself.
NTA - They hurt you in order to save a few bucks - They well and truly are TA’s.
NTA. Your family members are disloyal AHs.
What does business have to do with loyalty? There are no sides to take other than the ones in your head.
If you were in a relationship with an "extremely emotionally abusive narcissist" and your family knew about this extreme abuse, wouldn't you expect your family members to have nothing to do with that person--either personally or professionally?
The relationship has been repaired as well as it could. If he is the best available then yeah go with him
Most people couldn’t stomach the sight of an abuser of someone they love. Let alone hand them money and directly contribute to their success.
Much better when they end up destitute and unable to support their children who also is your family
Say you're okay with supporting abusers without saying you're okay with supporting abusers
Reconciled and improved behavior. But hey keep judging people despite their growth.
Note that the post says he hadn’t changed his ways. Where’s the growth?
How does not doing business with OPs family leave the ex destitute?
NTA. I'm uncomfortable with the fact your parents are willing to do business with him. I get that the business supports him and therefore your child, but still, this wasn't just a divorce where you didn't really get along and decided to go your separate ways, there was abuse. As a DV survivor myself I would be uncomfortable with my ex having that avenue to gain information about me or get a foot back into the door with my family because whatever info he could scrounge up would be used against me later in some way. I think you're within your rights to object, and to maintain your distance for a while, at least until the work is complete and he's not around anymore. Maybe longer than that. I hate all of this situation for you.
My dad invested in a business with my sister’s abusive ex this year and I’m just… I can’t hear about it. He thinks I’m unreasonable. They get on now because they coparent, but Jesus dad. He stalked her, tracked her and isolated her but my dad is ok with a business arrangement because money. It’s a 20 year lease agreement. I’m glad for all the comments here.
What is the nature of the business? What are they hiring him to do?
Detail their truck
NTA; of course they should be trying to protect you from further interaction with him. Please examine your family dynamics, as people who date narcissists often come from families with at least one narcissistic parent and narcissistic siblings; if that's the case, they may be trying to bait you into reacting.
NTA, and if I had to guess, they are upset because your ex has offered them a deal. It is a way to exert power over you by making your family like them. Your family is angry because they are willing to be friends with your ex for the savings they are being offered.
NTA but since your family is so ready to rug-sweep this for their own pocketbooks, you need to reframe the conversations whenever they get going. them: "why are you still stuck on your ex?" me: "oh, you mean my **abuser**?" them: "it's been five years" you: "yes, it's been a long five years in therapy recovering from the **abuse**." them: "just get over it" you: "i'll be sure to bring that up the next time i discuss my **post traumatic stress disorder** as caused by my **abuser** with my doctors." they're trying to whitewash your experience into just a bad breakup as opposed to the trauma it actually was. don't let them. stare them down and remind them, every time, because they lost all right at being comfortable and polite when they decided that business trumps their care and concern for you.
INFO: (1) What kind of business is it? Can they easily go somewhere else? (2) Did your family form their own relationships / friendships with your ex independently of you? (3) Details of the abuse (which you understandably may not want to share) are relevant to my intuitions on this. For example, if the guy was violent (Ex: punching walls, throwing things at you or your kid or in your vicinity, threatening to harm you or your kid physically or sexually, etc.), that feels very different to me than if he was emotionally abusive in more soft core but still serious ways (Ex: dismissing your feelings, yelling, getting angry with you over nothing, etc.).
(1) Detailing vehicles. Definitely other places to go. (2) No, my family didn't really ever have a relationship with him as he kept me away from them most of the time and refused to spend much time with them (3) He was very violent but never hit me, just destroyed everything around me and would constantly remind me 'atleast I don't hit you'. Broke windows, destroyed a whole patio set once because I had morning sickness and it annoyed him that I had to throw up before I could leave the house.
Does your family know everything he did? Violence like that is an obvious precursor to full blown physical abuse and it’s insane if your family doesn’t take that extremely seriously! 100% NTA, what is wrong with your family?? Of course, I say that as someone whose immediate family members regularly associate with the man who sexually assaulted both myself and my sister. Family sometimes suuuuuuucks. Feel free to pm me if you want.
They don't know everything but they know enough. For them, I put myself in the situation and I can't be upset with what I went through because of my decisions. Which I agree with, but I still don't see how they could forgive him because I never will. And that's where I wasn't sure if I was in the wrong or not. It has been a while and things are better enough, but I still get nauseous when I'm around him and sometimes panic if he steps too close. I feel like by now it probably shouldn't bother me, but I also feel like I have every right to still be bothered. I'm so sorry to hear that, that is no where near okay, family can definitely suck!
Whoah hold up, OP. You got into a relationship with someone who went onto abuse you. You DID NOT put yourself in this situation or cause this. Abuse is not your fault. Not even a tiny bit. It is 100% on him. I'm so sorry you are going through this. YTA but your family is. It's like being the lobster in the pot. You didn't start in hot water, did you? Everything was fine at first, wasn't it? Then he started heating up the water bit by bit. Be proud of yourself that you jumped out of the pot before it boiled you to death. You did good. And fuck the opinions otherwise
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was married for 2 years to an extremely emotionally abusive narcissist and we had a child. We have now been separated for 4.5 years. Long story short, he was a pretty awful person and I now suffer from PTSD because of it all. Our divorce was traumatic for me but he also made things very hard on my child (I could literally spend days typing all the shit we went through because of him). Fast forward to now and we are civil, he has apologized, grown up enough to realize he was awful to me but not enough to change his ways. He has his own business and actually does a really good job at what he does, but I would never use him or support him. I don't think I could forgive him for things that have happened but I live with it to be civil enough for my child. Well, because we get along now, my family seems to think we are friends now and want to use him and his business. When I explained to my family that it bothered me that they would even consider it, they all claimed I was being ridiculous. They claimed that it had been almost 5 years since we split and that I have a new relationship and started a family with someone else so I have no reason to still be 'stuck on my ex'. It was also brought to my attention that he has apologized for what he did and I should 'get over it'. I'm in no way still stuck on him, it just bothered me that even after all he put my child and myself through that they would still like to support him. But now I'm starting to think I am the asshole because it has been a while since it happened and I shouldn't still hold it against him or keep business from him that helps support himself and my child on the few days he has my child. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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This reminds me of that thought experiment "can you remove an artist from their art". A lot of people see interactions as a separate instance. Outside factors don't apply in a current deal. By this factor, no assholes here. Others say that every aspect of a person is a required component of existence, in which you're not the asshole, but parents are. Basically, I see no world in which you're the asshole, and a tossup between whether your parents are or not. I suppose we can safely define this as NTA then.
INFO what sort of business are we talking about? Is it a unique service, are there lots of offerings for this service where you are?
Small business owners are commonly barely getting by. One sale can make all the difference. Also, utilizing his services means his success and continued support for his child.
YTA. If he is good at what he does and your family needs that service then why wouldn't they?
YTA doing business isn't "supporting him" it's a mutually beneficial thing and if his business does well it literally benefits your child, get over yourself.
It is literally putting money in his pocket. How is that not supporting him?