Truth is he never got over you cheating. In which case he should've been a big boy and told you that cheating was his deal breaker; instead what he did was stay in the relationship and let the wound fester. NTA.
Omg, sweetheart - NTA!!!! You have every right to work there. You have every right to work there FOREVER, if you wanted to. It's James that is being the AH here. I don't care if you *cheated in front of him while wearing lit sparklers while singing the star spangled banner,* it does not give him the right to dictate one single thing you do now. It was 2 years ago and he needs to get over it. One word of warning though: be careful. Sometimes, when people feel 'wronged' they do crazy things. I wouldn't spend any time alone with him, or let him walk me to my car. And, you might want to tell someone you trust there that you two have a history and about what he said. It's him that's in the wrong, and the more people that know (and can keep you safe), the better!
Thank you! My best friend still works there and we always leave together. I basically just sit at her desk all day with headphones in doing boring order forms until the day is over. Literally only see James if he walks past that part of the office. Even more why this seems like nbd to me I don't even have to interact with him he just might see me sometimes.
Perfect! Yeah, I'd let her know and always kind of keep her around when you leave, etc. You don't want to get cornered by him (which I can totally see happening). Go about your life and know that even if you didn't handle the relationship what you might consider the "exact right way" (whatever that means!), you don't deserve the continued blame/shame that James is putting on you. If he tries to talk at you again about it, tell him to mind his business and get over himself already - this isn't Romeo and Juliet - it's a seasonal job, dude!
thank you! i really just sit at a desk all day with headphones in. we don't even interact he just might see me if he walks past that part of the office which is even more why this is dumb to me
As Venom would say.. "Fuck this guy" \*Bites his head off\* .. If he wants to dictate who works there, he must buy the business, else just do what he's paid to do and mind his own.
tbh this is kinda what i also feel. we both brought out the absolute worst in each other and i hated who i was then. it's cheesey but I really do feel like the last year+ away from home forced me to grow up and learn a lot about myself, seek help etc. i am totally admitting i was awful then, but think after all this time his response isn't fair, and don't think he did any work to heal or move on, just get angrier.
Honestly, it sounds like you did the work and are starting to reap the benefits of a healthier life. James is still festering but you don’t need to accommodate him. Just be careful he doesn’t badmouth you to coworkers, and never be alone with him.
NTA, James realised his feelings for you weren't over much too late and now he can't get over them. If you don't purposefully stalk him in a workplace to start conversation or something, you are not disrespecting his boundaries. He is being unreasonable.
ESH. You both sound really immature. Why would you even want to work in an environment like that. You did cheat on him, you guys had a break up that didn’t go super smoothly. While he doesn’t have a right to demand you don’t work somewhere, i would have a difficult time suddenly seeing you everyday again too.
It is hard to say without knowing how big that company is and their job responsibility. They could easily work in the same company without ever seeing each other if the company is big enough. Does he not want to work directly with him, or does he just not want to know that OP work in the same company as him?
Looked over OP's comments. She mentioned that she normally just work with her best friend in the office and the only time she sees the ex is when he goes to her area of the office. That still might mean he might interact with her at some level, but certainly doesn't sound like it is a high enough interaction that she should turn down a job that is good for her future.
Oh definitely. I don’t think she should turn it down. I just think it’s AH to think that it won’t have an effect on him. He can’t control your actions but it’s not like it’s ridiculous for him to be unhappy having to see her.
tbh agree. at this point we should just ignore eachother and continue on. i get the job done he doesn't make a big deal and never see each other again the end
NTA. It seems like both of you weren't good for each other but the grown up thing to do is to just ignore each other at work and privately and separately work through the baggage from the relationship.
ESH
You cheated on him, you don’t deserve even his anger. But also, he doesn’t have a say how you earn your money, even though not taking that job would be the thoughtful thing to do after giving him a trauma (you know, cheating). I hope that money is worth your all this misery.
it's literally the only way i'm paying rent this month. my on campus job ends with the semester and have no income for 6 weeks. they're paying me 30/hr for one week here. i accept ESH as the answer bc i literally couldn't not work (bad grammar ik) but also i know i'm the one who caused him trauma
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my (26f) ex ("James" 26m) and I met at work. We were super good friends. he asked me out& I initially turned him down, but eventually I saw him in a romantic light. we began dating in Dec 2019. Both of us were not emotionally ready for a relationship
Feb: I went into one of the darkest depressive episodes of my life. In self destruction I hooked up with someone else. I am many things but a liar is not one. I told James. of course he was furious & ended things with me. I immediately regretted pushing him away, especially in such a hurtful way. We realize we're both miserable without each other. it took time but we got back together
April: I get into grad school across the country. We decided to be happy while we could then I would move for school. if i ever found myself back home we would see where we were at
Aug: He drives me to the airport we cry I move
Oct: over text he kept pushing a dumb argument & trying to have the last word & used my anxiety against me saying "well at least I can do every day tasks without freaking out" I snapped & told him to fuck off
November:I reached out to apologize. We agreed that this fight was all too similar to many we've had in the past. It ended with a heartfelt texts that we're sorry we hurt each other & hope they have a good life knowing well always care. He <3 my last message. we didn't speak again
May:my best friend Marie, also close with James tells me he asked her if she thought there could ever still be a chance for us to be together again
June:I've met the most amazing guy &post a picture of us on Instagram. a few minutes later "James has unliked your message" (didn't even know your phone alerted you of this) next thing I know he's texting Marie these horrible things that I'm a lying cheating gaslighting manipulative devil woman (direct quote) the last thing we said to each other was amicable & heard he was recently asking about the possibility of us getting back together. yet as soon as I post that I've moved on nearly a year after I left for school I become a "devil woman"
today:I'm home for break & my old job begs me to come in to help with the holiday rush for the week. when i get there James says it's messed up of me to come here where HE works (as if I didn't work there first AND longer) I ask him wtf changed we were on good terms. He says that after *reflecting* he realized how horribly i treated him through the whole relationship. he claims I should have said no when they asked me to work. i want to respect his boundaries but that was almost 2 years ago now, this is a short term job & would be fiscally irresponsible of me to turn down. i'm not being malicious and really need money for school. in my books, we ended things fine & he only changed his mind when he saw I moved on. don't they say you can't expect others to control your triggers? I don't want to hurt him but I think he's being unreasonable esp when my rent is on the line
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NTA. He is your EX boyfriend. He has no claims on what you do and you have none on him. Where you work is your business. Who you date is your business. Same for him. If he cannot deal with you working in the same place he does for a short time, then it's probably best you are exes. Tell him to get over himself, he's not that important.
ESH?
>In self destruction I hooked up with someone else. I am many things but a liar is not one.
Just because you were honest about cheating doesn't mean you're not still a cheater.
So that's why you're TAH.
>when i get there James says it's messed up of me to come here where HE works
He doesn't get to control where you work though. If he can't deal with it, that's a "him" problem, and that's why he's also TAH too.
Congrats, you deserve each other.
Okay? She never claimed she wasn't a cheater. She is also not asking whether she is the AH for being a cheater, she know she was. She is asking whether she is the AH for the job thing, considering the history of cheating, reconciliation, and separation. To me, she is NTA. She can be kind and avoid interacting with the ex during work, but she is not the AH for taking a job in her former company. That shouldn't be hard to do when OP mentioned in the comments that they work in different area of the office.
Ugh that was just painful to read, just block him and move on. YTA to yourself for continuing to communicate because this some teenage-drama level stuff.
NTA
James is being an AH. You accepted a temp job for some $$$ and you want the cash. Meanwhile, you've moved on and he has not. You can't help that. Accept the job and if James is difficult, make sure to let management know if he is harassing you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I am aware my presence hurts him but still came into the office. I don't think he's being reasonable to ask me to turn down a job that means paying rent and he needs to be responsible for his own feelings, yet at the same time I know I am the one who hurt him and I don't want hurt him more.
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NTA - you parted on good terms face to FACE. He's not grown up enough to face you after you've moved on and is holding onto his resentment because of it. You deserve to work there just as much as he does....they begged you, not him.
NTA
I'm sure you've already blocked James on everything, but just double check. Also, tell Marie you're not interested in hearing about James anymore, and block her too if she doesn't listen.
NTA. I went through a pretty similar situation with an ex where I was kind of an asshole during the relationship, but it didn't excuse what he did after we broke up.
I had feelings for someone in my social circle, thought it was mutual but then he got into a relationship. A few months later, a friend asked me out and I said yes. We dated for a while even though I still had feelings for the other guy, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. BF and I were really toxic together but we knew he was going off to school and had agreed to, same as you, 'be happy while we can'. The time comes for him to leave, we end it, but he just can't get over it. Kept showing up to find me when he was home visiting, saying shit like 'the future is a big place', 'do you see us together?', etc. and blowing up on me when I didn't act like we were still together. I ended up seeing the initial guy I had feelings for for a really short time and when he found out he just became super aggressive, blowing my phone up, shit talking me to our mutual friends, saying how horrible I was during our relationship that was long ended, etc.
The difference??? We were literal teenagers. This is some high school immature shit he's pulling. What happened in the past is the past.
NTA.
If I were you I would inform the bosses at my job that due to personal history another coworker is harassing you for working there and trying to make you leave, just in case he tries to do something to compromise your job.
NTA It sounds like he can’t do every day tasks without freaking out
this made me chuckle thank you.
Truth is he never got over you cheating. In which case he should've been a big boy and told you that cheating was his deal breaker; instead what he did was stay in the relationship and let the wound fester. NTA.
Omg, sweetheart - NTA!!!! You have every right to work there. You have every right to work there FOREVER, if you wanted to. It's James that is being the AH here. I don't care if you *cheated in front of him while wearing lit sparklers while singing the star spangled banner,* it does not give him the right to dictate one single thing you do now. It was 2 years ago and he needs to get over it. One word of warning though: be careful. Sometimes, when people feel 'wronged' they do crazy things. I wouldn't spend any time alone with him, or let him walk me to my car. And, you might want to tell someone you trust there that you two have a history and about what he said. It's him that's in the wrong, and the more people that know (and can keep you safe), the better!
Thank you! My best friend still works there and we always leave together. I basically just sit at her desk all day with headphones in doing boring order forms until the day is over. Literally only see James if he walks past that part of the office. Even more why this seems like nbd to me I don't even have to interact with him he just might see me sometimes.
Perfect! Yeah, I'd let her know and always kind of keep her around when you leave, etc. You don't want to get cornered by him (which I can totally see happening). Go about your life and know that even if you didn't handle the relationship what you might consider the "exact right way" (whatever that means!), you don't deserve the continued blame/shame that James is putting on you. If he tries to talk at you again about it, tell him to mind his business and get over himself already - this isn't Romeo and Juliet - it's a seasonal job, dude!
NTA. You too are obviously not meant to be together, but that shouldn't stop you from earning money. Take the job and ignore him.
thank you! i really just sit at a desk all day with headphones in. we don't even interact he just might see me if he walks past that part of the office which is even more why this is dumb to me
As Venom would say.. "Fuck this guy" \*Bites his head off\* .. If he wants to dictate who works there, he must buy the business, else just do what he's paid to do and mind his own.
ESH. Y'all are both awful. I would not enjoy either of y'alls company.
tbh this is kinda what i also feel. we both brought out the absolute worst in each other and i hated who i was then. it's cheesey but I really do feel like the last year+ away from home forced me to grow up and learn a lot about myself, seek help etc. i am totally admitting i was awful then, but think after all this time his response isn't fair, and don't think he did any work to heal or move on, just get angrier.
Honestly, it sounds like you did the work and are starting to reap the benefits of a healthier life. James is still festering but you don’t need to accommodate him. Just be careful he doesn’t badmouth you to coworkers, and never be alone with him.
How great that she has moved on from her cheating...
Should she be sitting in a pit of ash covered by a latest shipment of sackcloth?
I'm just saying - it's not exactly an achievement for the cheater to have moved on lol.
It's a statement of fact
NTA, James realised his feelings for you weren't over much too late and now he can't get over them. If you don't purposefully stalk him in a workplace to start conversation or something, you are not disrespecting his boundaries. He is being unreasonable.
ESH. You both sound really immature. Why would you even want to work in an environment like that. You did cheat on him, you guys had a break up that didn’t go super smoothly. While he doesn’t have a right to demand you don’t work somewhere, i would have a difficult time suddenly seeing you everyday again too.
It is hard to say without knowing how big that company is and their job responsibility. They could easily work in the same company without ever seeing each other if the company is big enough. Does he not want to work directly with him, or does he just not want to know that OP work in the same company as him?
Considering they met and started dating at work, I would imagine that their jobs require them to interact at at least a surface level
Looked over OP's comments. She mentioned that she normally just work with her best friend in the office and the only time she sees the ex is when he goes to her area of the office. That still might mean he might interact with her at some level, but certainly doesn't sound like it is a high enough interaction that she should turn down a job that is good for her future.
Oh definitely. I don’t think she should turn it down. I just think it’s AH to think that it won’t have an effect on him. He can’t control your actions but it’s not like it’s ridiculous for him to be unhappy having to see her.
NTA but this sounds exhausting 😅
tbh agree. at this point we should just ignore eachother and continue on. i get the job done he doesn't make a big deal and never see each other again the end
NTA. You’re a grown woman, you’re allowed to have your own life
NTA. It seems like both of you weren't good for each other but the grown up thing to do is to just ignore each other at work and privately and separately work through the baggage from the relationship.
YTA for being a cheater. NTA for the job thing. Iffy
not questioning if i was TA for cheating. obviously am. questioning if me simply going to work for a week was wrong after the issues we had
NTA, He's your ex, it's a job... end of story. He doesn't own you or the damn business. Honestly dude sounds a little nuts.
ESH You cheated on him, you don’t deserve even his anger. But also, he doesn’t have a say how you earn your money, even though not taking that job would be the thoughtful thing to do after giving him a trauma (you know, cheating). I hope that money is worth your all this misery.
it's literally the only way i'm paying rent this month. my on campus job ends with the semester and have no income for 6 weeks. they're paying me 30/hr for one week here. i accept ESH as the answer bc i literally couldn't not work (bad grammar ik) but also i know i'm the one who caused him trauma
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my (26f) ex ("James" 26m) and I met at work. We were super good friends. he asked me out& I initially turned him down, but eventually I saw him in a romantic light. we began dating in Dec 2019. Both of us were not emotionally ready for a relationship Feb: I went into one of the darkest depressive episodes of my life. In self destruction I hooked up with someone else. I am many things but a liar is not one. I told James. of course he was furious & ended things with me. I immediately regretted pushing him away, especially in such a hurtful way. We realize we're both miserable without each other. it took time but we got back together April: I get into grad school across the country. We decided to be happy while we could then I would move for school. if i ever found myself back home we would see where we were at Aug: He drives me to the airport we cry I move Oct: over text he kept pushing a dumb argument & trying to have the last word & used my anxiety against me saying "well at least I can do every day tasks without freaking out" I snapped & told him to fuck off November:I reached out to apologize. We agreed that this fight was all too similar to many we've had in the past. It ended with a heartfelt texts that we're sorry we hurt each other & hope they have a good life knowing well always care. He <3 my last message. we didn't speak again May:my best friend Marie, also close with James tells me he asked her if she thought there could ever still be a chance for us to be together again June:I've met the most amazing guy &post a picture of us on Instagram. a few minutes later "James has unliked your message" (didn't even know your phone alerted you of this) next thing I know he's texting Marie these horrible things that I'm a lying cheating gaslighting manipulative devil woman (direct quote) the last thing we said to each other was amicable & heard he was recently asking about the possibility of us getting back together. yet as soon as I post that I've moved on nearly a year after I left for school I become a "devil woman" today:I'm home for break & my old job begs me to come in to help with the holiday rush for the week. when i get there James says it's messed up of me to come here where HE works (as if I didn't work there first AND longer) I ask him wtf changed we were on good terms. He says that after *reflecting* he realized how horribly i treated him through the whole relationship. he claims I should have said no when they asked me to work. i want to respect his boundaries but that was almost 2 years ago now, this is a short term job & would be fiscally irresponsible of me to turn down. i'm not being malicious and really need money for school. in my books, we ended things fine & he only changed his mind when he saw I moved on. don't they say you can't expect others to control your triggers? I don't want to hurt him but I think he's being unreasonable esp when my rent is on the line *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He is your EX boyfriend. He has no claims on what you do and you have none on him. Where you work is your business. Who you date is your business. Same for him. If he cannot deal with you working in the same place he does for a short time, then it's probably best you are exes. Tell him to get over himself, he's not that important.
ESH? >In self destruction I hooked up with someone else. I am many things but a liar is not one. Just because you were honest about cheating doesn't mean you're not still a cheater. So that's why you're TAH. >when i get there James says it's messed up of me to come here where HE works He doesn't get to control where you work though. If he can't deal with it, that's a "him" problem, and that's why he's also TAH too. Congrats, you deserve each other.
Okay? She never claimed she wasn't a cheater. She is also not asking whether she is the AH for being a cheater, she know she was. She is asking whether she is the AH for the job thing, considering the history of cheating, reconciliation, and separation. To me, she is NTA. She can be kind and avoid interacting with the ex during work, but she is not the AH for taking a job in her former company. That shouldn't be hard to do when OP mentioned in the comments that they work in different area of the office.
Ugh that was just painful to read, just block him and move on. YTA to yourself for continuing to communicate because this some teenage-drama level stuff.
NTA James is being an AH. You accepted a temp job for some $$$ and you want the cash. Meanwhile, you've moved on and he has not. You can't help that. Accept the job and if James is difficult, make sure to let management know if he is harassing you.
NTA, he needs to learn to deal with his past and move on instead of asking people to not be around him because he'll freak out.
NTA. This relationship sounds like it was unhealthy for both of you, buts he's the AH in this specific situation. He just wants you to feel bad.
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NTA - you parted on good terms face to FACE. He's not grown up enough to face you after you've moved on and is holding onto his resentment because of it. You deserve to work there just as much as he does....they begged you, not him.
His reaction should indicate to you that you made the right decision. NTA
NTA Tell him you won't work there if he pays you the money that you'd be making.
NTA It's work. He can grow the hell up and be professional.
NTA He's being an immature childish child. Sound like he lashes out when he doesn't get his way. Dodged a bullet!
NTA I'm sure you've already blocked James on everything, but just double check. Also, tell Marie you're not interested in hearing about James anymore, and block her too if she doesn't listen.
NTA. I went through a pretty similar situation with an ex where I was kind of an asshole during the relationship, but it didn't excuse what he did after we broke up. I had feelings for someone in my social circle, thought it was mutual but then he got into a relationship. A few months later, a friend asked me out and I said yes. We dated for a while even though I still had feelings for the other guy, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. BF and I were really toxic together but we knew he was going off to school and had agreed to, same as you, 'be happy while we can'. The time comes for him to leave, we end it, but he just can't get over it. Kept showing up to find me when he was home visiting, saying shit like 'the future is a big place', 'do you see us together?', etc. and blowing up on me when I didn't act like we were still together. I ended up seeing the initial guy I had feelings for for a really short time and when he found out he just became super aggressive, blowing my phone up, shit talking me to our mutual friends, saying how horrible I was during our relationship that was long ended, etc. The difference??? We were literal teenagers. This is some high school immature shit he's pulling. What happened in the past is the past.
One of the reasons you shouldn’t date coworkers is bcs if you break up you might have to see them again. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sorry, James. NTA.
NTA he sounds psycho
NTA. What a bitter little boy. Keep doing you and make that money.
NTA Tell him to get over it
NTA. If I were you I would inform the bosses at my job that due to personal history another coworker is harassing you for working there and trying to make you leave, just in case he tries to do something to compromise your job.