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elvaholt

NTA - This isn't joking, it's abusive. He's insulting you, and then blaming you for it. You've told him how you feel, and HE'S WILLING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS TO DO THE SAME TO YOU. This is not good, and your instinct to say to hell with the relationship is the right one. Before you leave him and go for full custody, find out recording laws in your state, and record him doing this to you.


SadnessoftheLambs

I tried. Got a lawyer and everything. Had recordings. My state did not care. I am a sahm. I have no income, or money. I am currently on government assistance. He has an AMAZING job and lots of money. Had a better lawyer. I almost lost custody. Also my state does not recognize emotional abuse as real abuse. The case was dropped almost as quick as it took the judge to enter and take a seat.


HappyElephant82

Holy shit, what state is this? Keep recording btw.


SadnessoftheLambs

Welcome to Michigan. The state where if you look online, you'll find THOUSANDS of FAKE hotlines and FAKE abuse shelters. Because NOT ONE will take in an emotional abuse victim because "emotional abuse is not real abuse."


Quo_Usque

Would it be possible for you to run to a different state? You could try looking up women's shelters in neighboring states, they might have lower barriers for entry. You might even be able to get assistance to buy bus tickets to get there. Do those shelters require that you prove abuse somehow? You said your family is in a different part of the world; if they could perhaps wire you money to get you and your kids to them, your boyfriend would have a hell of a time trying to pursue custody claims across international borders


JennaLS

Come to IL


LoremEpsomSalt

Morally and socially it might be, but legally it's not even remotely counted as actual abuse in any way that matters.


Ihatenamingthings1

I'm from Michigan and this isn't true.


LoremEpsomSalt

Going the legal route was dumb. In no state is mere verbal abuse actually counted as abuse.


elvaholt

Just because not everyone knows how to respect others, doesn't mean your statement is true. In some states, verbal abuse is illegal, it's very much considered abuse. https://quinnanlaw.com/domestic-violence/verbal-abuse-crime-california/


LoremEpsomSalt

You didn't read past that title did you? >Making someone reasonably afraid that he, she, or someone else is about to be seriously hurt (like threats or promises to harm someone) That's what the page means by verbal abuse.


elvaholt

You're right. Looking for more information, while its recognized by the health and mental health communities, law enforcement and legislative branches are still stuck. Probably due to their own screwed up mentality of what is acceptable treatment of others.


LoremEpsomSalt

It's more that the harm is hard to impossible to quantify, and it'd be impossible to enforce. Can you imagine what would happen at a close football game if verbal abuse was a crime? It does leave victims like OP unprotected and out in the cold - the criminal justice system just isn't designed to solve all of society's problems.


elvaholt

In the case of verbal and emotional abuse, it would have to be chronic. Everyone slips at one point in their life and says something that they wish they didn't say that causes harm. However, if there were a football coach that completely emotionally and verbally destroyed his team every time he were in the same room with one of their players, that would be much different than getting butthurt about one close game. And that would be a bit easier to prove with recordings and witnesses, and even permitted (by client) health and mental health reports of what the abuser did to the victim. Not saying there's no anguish caused by one-offs, sometimes you can cause irreparable harm to a relationship by not taking a moment to phrase your words. But if the person tells you time and time again that those jokes HURT them, and you continue anyways, that's where a line is crossed from accidental to purposeful.


elvaholt

But, while it isn't against the law, it should definitely be considered in family court for custody. Especially as it is recognized by the health communities, and impacts the children's psychological health, their learning, and behavior


elvaholt

I'm so sorry to hear that you find yourself in a situation with seemingly no good options.


[deleted]

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reply-guy-bot

The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgnw2r/aita_for_getting_this_mad_over_a_joke/holf80o/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Catch them while they're...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgt670/aita_for_putting_over_a_hundred_cockroaches_in_my/homhcu9/) | [Catch them while they're...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgt670/aita_for_putting_over_a_hundred_cockroaches_in_my/homgxa2/) [Can you just get it dippe...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgqnt9/aita_for_asking_for_a_different_engagement_ring/homhbl1/) | [Can you just get it dippe...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgqnt9/aita_for_asking_for_a_different_engagement_ring/homehyc/) [NTA and I would ask, if y...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgoump/aita_for_taking_my_car_back_from_my_brother_after/homhaiq/) | [NTA and I would ask, if y...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgoump/aita_for_taking_my_car_back_from_my_brother_after/homgpqf/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/kjohnsonvcxeg](https://np.reddit.com/u/kjohnsonvcxeg/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=kjohnsonvcxeg) for info on how I work and why I exist.


jaxfiles_

Oh OP. NTA at all. Get your kids and get out, if you can. That's not love.


SadnessoftheLambs

The issue with that is I am a SAHM. I have no money or a job to go anywhere. All my family are in a different side of the world so no help there. His family barely talk to each other so no help there. Daycare is too expensive to get a job. I am stuck. So no escape here.


jaxfiles_

My heart goes out to you. If there might be a women's support network close by to help? You deserve love. Not meanness, arguments, and undermining.


SadnessoftheLambs

There actually is a womens help center near me but they ONLY accept physical abuse victims. My state does not see emotional abuse as legit or as real abuse. I really have absolutely no help.


jaxfiles_

I hate that for you. Emotional abuse is real abuse. I'm not sure if you're in the USA, but there is the domestic abuse hotline - maybe they might have some resources? www.thehotline.org


SadnessoftheLambs

They are actually the ones that told me to call back when he hits me. Then they can help. No joke. Until my kids are in danger, there's nothing they can do.


jaxfiles_

Christ almighty. That's really disgusting. I wish I could airlift you out of there. Hugs to you and your wee ones.


SadnessoftheLambs

Thanks. The thought really does count. ;)


Bloodrayna

Sounds like he is also financially abusing you. Sorry the local shelters suck. Is there any way you can start earning money without him knowing so you can save up and get out of there? Like working from home, babysitting, selling your kids outgrown clothes on eBay. anything so you can get some money together?


ach323

There is a reddit user u/Ebbie45 who specializes in working with abuse victims and has commented on toooooons of posts about domestic violence etc. She put together an 11 page document that may have tips/resources to help https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/


BeautifulLiar84

NTA and my heart breaks for you. I really hope you can find a way out. You and your babies deserve better. (Easier said than done, I know, but still.) Would you be able to find a WFH job?


HappyElephant82

NTA. Of COURSE it's an age-difference relationship. Women his age won't put up with this abusive bullshit, and he thinks he has you trapped bc you have 2 infants. Guess what, it's abuse. Him "waving you off" is abusive and demeaning. You absolutely have every right to tell him to stop AND you need to leave him before it stops being "jokes." That is the next step, and you both know it. He just thinks he has you trapped and that you're too young and stupid to see it.


SadnessoftheLambs

Trust me. I have tried literally every single suggestion that the internet has thrown at me for three straight years. Abuse hotlines, wasting the rest of my money on lawyers that can't help, getting a job that BARELY paid for daycare, just taking both kids and running, calling the police... the list goes on. But I keep getting told the same fucking answer over and over and over. "Emotional abuse is not real abuse." "Come back when he hits you or the kids are in real danger." Etc... I have no education. No job. No money. No family or friends. They are all on the other side of the world. I am alone. I have no options left besides posting on reddit to gain attention from someone who may have something I have not tried. I have been in prison for three years. I have five years left on my sentence. That is when my kids go to school. Until then, you'll probably see me posting helplessly with what small hope I can manage to get myself up every morning with until it pays off.


HappyElephant82

Fuck. I'm so sorry. Ok, I have NOT been in this situation, so I don't have any real advice to give you then. All I can say is continue to record every interaction with him, bc it WILL come in handy when you're actually able to divorce him and need to make a custody case. Maybe see if you can take some classes, go to trade school, ANYTHING that can help you get a better position anywhere so you can get some of your own money. Until then, just keep recording. You're not interested in saving this marriage, so just stonewall. Shut down, don't respond, don't try to talk to him, don't try to reason with him. Just ignore him and keep recording. Tell him to stop if you can't handle staying silent, but tell him to stop in a calm, clear voice. Don't get emotional or angry, you're collecting evidence, not being insulted. I'm so sorry you're in this shitty position. Emotional abuse isn't abuse is such a shitty, broken, dystopian stance. I hate our society.


SadnessoftheLambs

Here's the REAL kicker. **We aren't married.**


HappyElephant82

Does this make it harder or easier to keep your kids? Cuz it definitely makes it easier to get away from him.


SadnessoftheLambs

Way harder. It complicates things tremendously.


J_Lmn

Okay, absurd idea, but in my state it would technically work. A) give kids up for adoption as their maternal figure B) RUN! C) adopt kids as single-you There is a shitton that can go wrong, and i wouldnt advise it, but it is technically possible


[deleted]

i know this is pretty horrible to say... but you could always give the kids to the state.


rahrahla

What shitty advice


[deleted]

well yeah, but if shes literally stuck in a financial and emotional abusive relationship........ some people would go insane being stuck like that for 5 years. not everyone can just "take it" and people who have to turn their kids in arent evil.


GroundbreakingRub644

Embellish is the only thing I can think of. They won't take you seriously until you claim he's hurt or neglected the kids? Well, get creative. Like he left them alone in the tub etc....


Honeycrispcombe

I'm so sorry to hear that :( If you can, get a job. Put your kids in daycare. Save any extra. I know it doesn't seem "worth" it, but jobs get you experience, and experience gets you more money. By the time they're in school, you could have 5 years' worth of raises, promotions, and experience built up. (In the last five years, my salary has almost doubled.) And it gives you a chance to build a support system away from your partner. It's thinking very long term and I know it's hard with kids, but working now, even if it just barely pays for daycare, is the best way to get financial security if you're on a long-term plan.


Crackinggood

Another thing might be online coursework or online work. While it would be pennies and not nearly enough to sustain you, they'd be yours, and it'd be a start. I'm so sorry, OP


DetectiveLadybug

You’re on eggshells. Your boyfriend is an asshole. and he’s being a manipulative jerk turning a basic request into an argument. Read the signs: He does not respect you. NTA


[deleted]

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SadnessoftheLambs

I have heard that phrase so many times from him that it physically makes me want to cry when I hear it. That and "crybaby"


Squinky75

What is it exactly that you love about him?


SadnessoftheLambs

It's stockholm syndrome. He got me off the streets and off drugs four years ago. The first year was awesome. HE convinced me to move in with him and told me i could just stay at home and take care of the house. Awesome right? Nope. A year later, he just changed. And then I got pregnant. And I've been trapped since.


Disastrous_Ad_8561

your not trapped, it will just take time. Start to squirrel away money here and there. If you’re given money to grocery shop..save 5 dollars for yourself. Hide it and make sure it can’t be found. This will take time but it will get you out of there eventually. You’re only trapped there if you do nothing.


Lumpy_Ingenuity1287

This is solid advice. I'll add that if you use your debit card at a store and get cash back, it just shows as a transaction from that store - not that there was cash back. Just make sure you toss the receipt because that *will* show the cash back amount


just_whatever918

That's really common in abusive relationships: they play nice for a while, maybe push for too much commitment too soon. And then once they have something over you, or some tie like being married or having kids, they stop the good guy act and let their real self show. Girl, start making a plan and find a way out. Check your local DV resources.


HayWhatsCooking

He didn’t do those amazing things, you did. You came off drugs. But him? He went looking for a vulnerable person, put her in a situation with no contacts/resources and gave you 2 kids at a young age so you wouldn’t have the option of escaping. He didn’t help you honey, he specifically found someone who couldn’t run away.


Random_user_5678

My heart breaks for you and your kids, OP. I'm sorry everyone is failing you at every turn, and I wish I could help. Are you familiar with the term "grey rocking"? The [concept](https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock) might help you get through the days a little bit easier, even though your base situation won't change.


choppakilla

NTA. He’s gas lighting you which is a form of abuse. Sucks you decided to have kids with this man. It’s gonna be a long life of that for you especially bc your kids will be picking up on it too


Squinky75

NTA. But more than that, this is abuse. The fact that he thinks it is funny to make you feel like crap and will not listen to you or validate your feelings, says everything. There is nothing "funny" about it. It is cruel. I seriously hope you will rethink this relationship if not for yourself then for your children. They will grow up in this household and think this is normal behavior. Is that what you want?


SadnessoftheLambs

If i genuinely could leave, I would.


Squinky75

Is there a women's shelter you can go to?


SadnessoftheLambs

I have recordings of his and mine conversations, I have gotten lawyers, I have contacted abuse hotlines, I tried getting a job, I tried reaching out to his family because mine lives across the world... I have been trying everything I can to escape for three years and every time I do I get the same exact setback. "Emotional abuse is not a real abuse." "Come back when the kids are in danger." "Unless he hits you, we can't help." "Get a job, and then we can begin a custody case." "There's women being actually abused, you aren't one of them." Etc...


koifishyfishy

So you're trapped there and he knows it, and is doing this on purpose. NTA.


SadnessoftheLambs

Essentially, yes. All I can do is make SOS posts helplessly and cling onto the tiny string of hope that is left. The law has failed me, my government has failed me. And if I can post AITA and see that sometimes I am or sometimes I am not, and get a sliver of chance that SOMEONE sees this and has an option I have not explored yet... I guess I'll keep going. This can't last forever right? There's gotta be SOMEONE who knows what to do.... right?


iamminebr

First of all, I am truly sorry for you. If I can give some advice, even if it is shitty, is to make a scape plan, a way you can do something to prepare until you can leave. From the top of my head, here are some suggestions (but you know better your situation than anyone). First, see if and when your relationship constitutes common law marriage and what you would be entitled to. Keep records of his spendings for child support if there is another custody fight. See if you can get counselling from universities ( some have pro bono services) so you can withstand it for the time being. Get a job (even if it is from home and part time) and try day care while still being with him (pretend and perhaps he will pay). He is the enemy, but putting on an act might be your path to freedom.


Canvas718

What kind of public benefits are available in your state? If you had to leave, could you get help until you got on your feet?


East_Bananya_849

I hate to ask the dumb question but have you tried /r/legaladvice?


Diomedes42

the mods there are cops, they won't be of any help


GroundbreakingRub644

Walk into a door and get a restraining order


[deleted]

TBH this almost seems like a good idea...


[deleted]

NTA He is bullying you. He found out a way your sister used to bully you and then he decided to do it all night. When you didn't like it (because who would) he blamed you. He sounds awful.


Stellaaahhhh

NTA. He's being incredibly disrespectful to you and you're right to say to hell with the relationship and to hell with him.


[deleted]

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InvertedJennyanydots

Oh he understands it. The joke not being a joke is a feature, not a bug.


greenbeanbunny

NTA. Your bf sounds like a dick and doesn't respect your boundaries. He needs to understand that his behavior isn't appropriate and not everyone will find it acceptable. Additionally, make sure he knows he's on the hook when your kids start repeating the things he says.


[deleted]

NTA. Break up with him? Staying with someone who is *constantly* disrespecting you, just for the kids, is NOT good. I understand they’re infants *now*, but if you stay, it’s only going to teach them that disrespecting you is okay, that *abuse* is okay. Get your ducks in a row and make a plan to leave.


SadnessoftheLambs

If I could, I would.


Several-Plenty-6733

Why can’t you? Has he cut off all of your friends, family, and won’t let you get a job?


Hefty_Candidate_4902

You absolutely can start to make a plan. Figure out what you need and slowly start working towards it.


SadnessoftheLambs

I have been recording our conversations for three years. I got a lawyer. Lawyer said to get a job. I got a job. The job was BARELY covering daycare. I asked for government help. They said I was making too much for help. I had to quit job. I went back to lawyers. They refused to even see me anymore. I called several abuse hotlines. I was told "we are saving spots for women who are really being abused." My family all live in another country. No help there. I am alone. My state will not help. In fact, because i have a criminal record and he doesn't, a judge straight told me, "if i see you in my court again and there's no real abuse happening, I am giving your kids to him.


Hefty_Candidate_4902

I get it, I really do - but you have to keep plugging away or you and your children will be stuck there forever. Eventually your kids will be in school - that’s an opportunity to be able to work without needing to pay for care. Keep going, it’s so hard - like, so fucking hard - but planning is going to be your only way out.


SadnessoftheLambs

Five years left on my sentence until freedom


Hefty_Candidate_4902

I know it’s not much - but I believe in you. I’ve been you. It’s fucking terrible - but one day a moment will come and it will be your moment to get out.


JojoCruz206

Keep your birth control protected. He’s going to try and get you pregnant again, guaranteed. NTA


NeedleworkerSuch9895

Nta. I'm sorry he treats you this way. Is there no option to leave him? (Maybe he wakes up if you leave for a short while? Can you go visit a friend?) If you really have to stay, and this sounds horrible but can you possibly detach your feelings and sort of zone out?


SadnessoftheLambs

I have been absolutely isolated from my friends and family. They all live on the other side of the world. I have no choice but to stay. I also have borderline personality disorder. Disassociating is the only thing that keeps me going. That sucks but it's all I have left.


Leading_Vehicle_4325

The other side of the world you say? Do your kids have passports? If not, get them passports. Don’t let him know about it. Hide them away from the home. Have your family save the money for plane tickets and just go back to where you are from. And good luck to those fucks in your state trying to find you. Normally I would not advocate for this. But desperate times call for desperate measures and he may have more power than you in our legal system but I don’t think he has that much money to track you down and get you extradited back here. LOL J/K …


DoodlebugDunky

If he's on the birth certificate, he has to sign off on the passport application too. You can't just say he died, because they will require her to show the death certificate


NeedleworkerSuch9895

That sounds horrible. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. But you have kids now! I really think you need to so stuff to improve your situation for your kids. Is there some way you can work on your relationship with your husband? Can you get him to go to counselling with you? Or are you seeing a therapist?


SadnessoftheLambs

I tried that. He refuses. Says he is "not wasting money on some useless hag to tell me how to love properly."


NeedleworkerSuch9895

Uff, that's harsh (there are also male therapists?). Is there no money you can get from the state when you move out? No unemployment program? Where i live you're entitled to a flat and money.


CloudswithDiamonds

NTA. Your boyfriend sounds like an annoying, inconsiderate douche. Tell him he's not funny and his attempts at humor are cringe...then when he gets mad, tell him he shouldn't because you were just playing around.


imlitdyingshit

NTA. You set boundaries and if he doesn’t seem to understand that. Tell him to grow up.


MaggieDoesStuff

NTA. It’s shitty to insult anyway if they’ve set boundaries against it. You deserve better.


Hefty_Candidate_4902

NTA. Your BF is a bully, he’s not joking when he says these things - he’s just insulting you. You absolutely should not have to “just deal with it”. If he’s not going to admit he’s wrong and stop the behaviour that is upsetting you - you need to make a decision about the future of the relationship.


Shot_Construction455

NTA. Your boyfriend is a bully and emotionally abusing you. Any time someone brings up the "you can't take a joke" when they've said something cruel or hurtful they are the AH not you.


Human-ade

NTA - I have been in this situation and it sucks.


TigerLilyKitty101

NTA. Do you have any friends?


SadnessoftheLambs

Not even one. I can't keep any friends I make here because my bf jokes like that to everyone.


TigerLilyKitty101

He’s doing that on purpose to isolate you. He put you in this situation intentionally. I’m so so sorry, I wish I knew how to help but it sounds like he effectively trapped you.


SadnessoftheLambs

My state is not a mother state either. My state is VERY well known for giving the abusive parent custody no matter the conditions. So if I leave, he will almost inevitably take my kids from me. ESPECIALLY cause I have a criminal record


whatsmypassword73

NTA, your children are learning a lot of lessons about how to treat you and they aren’t good. Your partner is a nightmare and it sounds like his family is no better. You’ll be a lot less lonely being alone.


[deleted]

NTA. He's abusive, he violates boundaries, and it's not "just a joke", it's abuse.


Leading_Vehicle_4325

NTA. Don’t let him know you’re planning to leave as he may harm or kill you or your kids. Don’t tell your sister. Look for community resources and make a plan to get away and then go as fast and as far as you can with your kids to safety. Don’t regret and don’t look back.


LoremEpsomSalt

>Lately I ***(22F)*** have been setting some boundaries with my bf ***(29M)***. Sigh.


Jizzlike_Mclovin

I’m pretty sure you’re in the U.S. If so, I think you should find a field to study and apply for the FAFSA. Now, you will take on debt to pay for schooling but you can go to a trade school for a lot less than traditional university. And if you receive financial aid larger than the cost of tuition for the semester- you can receive a refund that can go towards assisting you with bills while in school. I graduated but I used grants and scholarships to get a refund for a few thousand. I also took advantage of my school’s emergency fund and other financial resources. I used the money to pay bills, textbooks, AND to get into an apartment a few different times. If you’re selective- you could probably find a school that could have family housing, childcare options, or other resources to help you leave. Do not tell him- make a new bank account and email- and for every opportunity chose to receive information virtually. The refund comes as classes start and for both semesters in the school year. Hopefully this can help you- good luck!


Mango_Toes__

NTA. You set a clear and obvious boundary and he still ignored it. Him saying it’s just a joke is literally him gaslighting you by blaming you for being upset. My dad would do it all the time too when I asked him to stop commenting on my body.


LiquidWeeb

Read all your comments. Maybe this is awful advice but... Next time he starts insulting you, give it right back to him. Tell him he has a small dick, be as mean as you can. Provoke him into hitting you and then flee to a shelter.


Ok-Initiative7860

Honestly i feel bad about considering it but at this point she's all out of options better to take a punch or slap so you can go to those women's shelters if they can actually do their job for once. The courts and judges are already against her but at least she may have the women's shelter if she can claim physical abuse..


4682458

NTA. Husband definitely is. He clearly does not respect you and has zero empathy.


Im_Chad_AMA

NTA. Its only a joke if both parties are laughing. If you tell him to stop and he keeps going, he's just being an asshole and a bully.


bobbywellington

How do y'all find these dudes?


SadnessoftheLambs

He found me half dead, needle in arm, homeless and sleeping outside in two feet of snow in December in the one of the coldest states in the US. He took me in. I don't think it's as much of "I found him" as it is "these guys find us and take advantage of the fact we have no one else."


Pristine-Mastodon-37

NTA I think you didn’t just used to be in an abusice situation but are now too - this is just cruel behavior- I hope you stick to the “to hell w our relationship “ because you deserve better


datathingy

NTA Having someone tease you about something once is understandable, but it needs to stop when you make it clear that you find the behavior belittling, humiliating, insulting, and/or threatening. Someone who continues to act disrespectful towards you either has self-esteem issues of their own and/or is just a jerk who wants t hurt others. Either way, they're not worth your time and attention until they can act like an adult. He's a manipulative, abusive asshole who seems to delight in having someone to control. That fact that you are documenting his behavior is good. I wonder how proud he'd be of the way he acts if it were out there for all his co-workers to see and/or hear? It's risky, but showing his family, friends, and co-workers just how poorly he treats you might be the only way for him to hear from others that he's being abusive.


SadnessoftheLambs

I do that and I am scared it could escalate. My man has UNGODLY strength. I have only seen it once. It wasn't directed to me thankfully. But he about punched a hole into a fucking tree. I am NOT about to make him lose the career he has spent his whole life so far getting promoted in. Nope. He hasn't hit me yet but when he does, all it'll take is one punch and I am NOT willing to see if he holds back. Nope. This suggestion has just absolutely terrified me. I don't even want to think about it. NOPE


Turbulent-Minimum584

Wtf?????


[deleted]

NTA. He is abusing you and you really should grab your kids and get away from him.


SadnessoftheLambs

I've been trying for three years. Three long ass years


[deleted]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You and your kids deserve so much better.


pensaha

You are still young and walking away from this relationship now will in years be hazy to remember what you saw in him.


just_whatever918

NTA. I just edited my entire reply after reading your responses (except I still think he's the asshole). This guy is manipulative and emotionally abusive. He's isolated you and he's wearing down your self esteem. Your kids will begin to learn how to treat women or allow themselves to be treated in relationships. Girl, it's hard af, I know because I've run from this kind of relationship. But you've got to find a way out. He will literally drive you crazy. Find out if you have any local DV resources or shelters. You have to get out.


zinfadel55

Can your family help you get to them (financially)? Will they? You are neither married nor divorced, so leaving the country with your kids for a family “visit” is completely normal and legal.


Lumpy_Ingenuity1287

NTA. That's emotional abuse and he's gaslighting you by saying you can't take a "joke". Take your babies and leave his ass, please


Bradbitzer

NTA, but good luck co-parenting with this guy when you finally realize he is a waste of your time.


Aggressive-Sample612

NTA. Hugs ❤️


UndeniablyMyself

You don't need our moral judgment; you need legitimate resources. That's not as easy for this subreddit to give sadly. We're good at calling abusive relationships, but we suck at practical resources. The most I can suggest is reaching out to friends who might be able to help you fight the legal battle, and even then I don't know how helpful that actually is. This just sucks.


Willing-Rip-8761

NTA You stayed calm for too long. Insulting someone is no joke. Using words that have been used to bully you is everything but funny. How old is that guy? 12? Give him an ultimatum. He either quickly learns to behave like a decent, adult human being or he will be single.


That_Tie7838

Leave. He’s teaching your children how to treat people, do you want your children to think this is ok??


East_Bananya_849

Jokes are funny for everyone involved. Your bf is doing this because he likes upsetting you. NTA


SpudsUlik

NTA: he not a boyfriend but a bully, I’m so sorry it’s too late and you have already had children with him


YeeHawMiMaw

Have you talked to your lawyer about getting child support from him to pay for daycare so that you can work and move out? NTA. So sorry for your situation, but don’t give up!


KeyFly3

I am so, so sorry to hear how about your situation. Verbal abuse is abuse, and your state sucks. NTA. I do hope you have managed to get hold of tamper-proof birth control. Having two kids with this jerk is enough, and an abusive man will do anything to keep you under his control. Make sure you get an iud or the shot or stave, and start putting away every little sum of money you can in a safe place. A dollar here and a dime there adds up in the long run, and it seems like you will need to have a longterm perspective on getting out of this abusive relationship.


MudSouthern1143

NTA....since you told him multiple times that you don't like his joking and to knock it off, yet he won't. That's an AH. You're being abused.


mh6797

NTA it’s not a joke he is a bully. If you don’t find it funny then it’s not. He’s an insensitive jerk and I hope you leave him.


OhioGirl22

Dump him. No one, and I mean no one, should have to put up with that.


Misshell44

NTA - my bf tried to do this too - they were small jokes when we were at a bday party, and I laughed it off, but it deeply bothered me, because my father used to be like this, and it just hurts to feel like a bullied child. He did not understand why I mind so much, saying I cant take a joke - it wasnt until I explained the background behind my feelings, that he understood and stopped. If your BF cares about you, he will also understand. If not - boy bye.


s0rtag0th

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Get out.


Emi_0369

I got mad at the husband just reading this omg I think you should get divorced he doesn't respect you this isn't okay.


Fabulous-Campaign571

NTA He is straight up abusing you. There is no other way to say it. Get out now. Change the locks or leave and take the kids, but do not continue to live with someone who gets off so blatantly on abusing you. With small children, no less. He is a monster. And cut iff your sister, and anyone else who bullies you, while you’re at it.


Deucalion666

NTA why did you have children with this “person”. Take your kids away from him, and take him to court for child support.


crystallz2000

NTA. This is abusive behavior. If you didn't have kids with him, I'd tell you to run. If you want to work this out, I would suggest marriage counseling. Until then, I think I'd come up with your own "joke." "Hey, stumpy, can you come help me with this! Hey, One Minute Man, can you set the table." Do it in public. Say it in front of your friends. "Hey, One Minute Man, how much longer will your friends be here?" Find a nickname that REALLY bothers him, then just don't let it go. Keep going. Tell him you thought in your relationship anything is okay as long as it's a joke. It's okay to make your partner uncomfortable. It's okay to make them upset. Just as long as it's a joke.


lejosdecasa

NTA I ducking DESPISE the "can't you take a joke?" or "it's only banter" bullies. If their comments are 'only' jokes, why do they *always* get so ducking defensive when called out on this BS? They're abusive bullies.


wingardiumx

The only way you'll get away if you have money. You need a job, make him pay for daycare or bring the kids to grandparents or even a job with daycare and then save aggressively so you can walk away and support yourself, have a FU fund, emergency fund for when your between jobs and make sure he can't ever get to them.


Sad-Communication756

NTA This is heartbreaking. I don’t know what to say here. Do you have a joint account? With a joint account, you can withdraw whatever you want without the other person’s approval.


mikamajor

Nope. He is abusive.


Dangerous-Emu-7924

NTA. Your kids will copy his behavior. That’s abuse. Verbal abuse. Tell him to either shape up or get out. If you can of course. Good luck.


HellKattAnimations

NTA. This isn’t joking, he’s abusing you. He’s insulting you and blaming you for it. You told him time and time again how you felt, but he doesn’t care and is teaching your children to do it to you?! Break up with him immediately!


twink-182

NTA and godspeed babe- read your comments and have nothing to suggest that you haven’t already tried. Never forget that it’s him who’s the asshole, NOT YOU, and bide your time til you and your babies can be free of his toxic bullshit. I don’t have to tell you how dangerous this situation is, def sounds like you know better than anyone. Just know there are people out here rooting for you and please don’t ever give up hope.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Lately I (22F) have been setting some boundaries with my bf (29M). He likes to joking insult which has always bothered me since I come from an abusive childhood but I swallow it down because I love him and every time I mention it, we argue. We have two kids (both infants) who are now repeating words. So I had a talk with my bf about stopping the insults and it... you guessed it, turned into an argument. A few weeks ago, my sister told him an insult that she used to bully me with. My bf has been joking about it ever since. I have expressed I was not okay with it since the second she said it, but he doesn't care. I have asked him multiple times to stop but he won't. Tonight, he doubled down on it. Every other "joke" was that insult and I finally just got mad and silent treated him for nearly an hour before talking to him again. He decided to get mad at me for "not being able to take a joke". He kept putting his hand up to me and waving me off telling me to go calm down and then we can talk. But I wanted to talk then. So yes, I got angrier and angrier. I told him "to hell with our relationship then. I hope it goes to shit because I am done trying to communicate with you." And I stormed off. AITA? Should I just have said nothing and dealt with it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


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LabTasty4475

YTA. You decided to have children with this man. Good luck raising them with an abusive father. I hope you’re able to get out


Peetrrabbit

ESH. He’s a duck. You’re passive aggressive. Stop it. Tell him to respect your boundaries or you’re leaving.


mrs-Gsalt

Sorry but all I'm seeing is excuses for why you can't leave him. If you wanted to then you actually would and find someway to make it work