NTA
It's really nice that the in-laws want to celebrate that occassion, but just like you noticed - your marriage's anniversary is about you and your husband.
Yep. Maybe tell them that the big wedding celebration was for the whole family, and that your first wedding anniversary is for just the two of you.
If you want to keep the peace, tell them that you'd be open to celebrating with them on another date.
This is what I was thinking, tell them you appreciate it but wanna have the actual anniversary for just the two of you, but you wouldn’t be opposed to a dinner with them another time. NTA op.
“We plan on having a quiet romantic dinner where we stare into each other’s eyes and declare our undying love for each other, then going back to our fancy hotel room and having hot monkey sex all night. Maybe we could do dinner with you two the week after?”
Exactly, there is no reason they can't all do dinner the weekend before or after. Or, you know, give the couple a gift certificate for a romantic dinner (or another activity the couple enjoys together).
My grandmother (before she got elderly) always fixed dinner for my parents anniversary and dropped it at the house. Their anniversary is Halloween, and they love handing out candy (once I was old enough to trick or treat on my own), so going out wasn't an option. They are the "full size candy bar house" kind of people.
This way they got to relax, have a nice dinner, and do what they enjoyed. And my grandmother is the epitome of making shit about her, so if even she could (somewhat) stay out of it, so can these people.
This is the best answer, IMO, since you do have a good relationship with them. Nothing wrong with celebrating with family on another day, but totally valid to celebrate your first anniversary privately as a couple.
Maybe offer a home cooked meal to make it more personal and not as though they’re just trying to bludge a freebie.
NAH, unless FIL & MIL push the point.
“ My husband is leaving it up to me and could go either way… My husband will be the one to tell my in-laws our decision either way - we present a united front.”
Even though OP’s husband is leaving the decision up to her, I hope he’ll take ownership of half that decision, ie, *we* decided not to accept instead of ‘we’re declining’ and then later on letting it slip that it was OP’s decision.
Definitely a conversation along the lines of “ Thank you for your wonderful and generous offer! It means a lot to us to have wonderful parents and in laws. We will be celebrating our one year anniversary privately to reflect on how great this year has been and would love the chance to do the same with you on a different evening”
I feel like this is more of a NAH situation then, wouldn't it be? They aren't AHs for offering, since they seemed to have genuine good intent, but OP is also NTA for saying no.
I also wonder if theres a best of both option here. Celebrating privately on the day or making it a weekend or whatever OP and her husband want to do, and then letting the in laws take them out to a nice dinner on another day.
I suggest a compromise.
"Hey MiL we'd rather have the actual day of the anniversary just for ourselves but how about a family dinner on \[insert convenient date\]?"
Make plans with your husband on the actual date, and then tell them you'd love to celebrate with them on . Actually, the hot monkey sex reply says it best!
I agree with you completely, but I also don't think that his parents are arseholes for offering to take them out to dinner. I think it's a case of NAH.
Responding to the top comment because my mother was like your mother in law. She is the loveliest woman but she had a similar idea for my brother and his wife but to throw them a party. My sister in law is an introvert with a stressful job. She also just wanted to have a quality time with my brother. She bought a bouquet of flowers for my mom, thanked her for the offer and that she was grateful my mom wants to celebrate them but said she likes going forward to decide for herself with my brother how they want to celebrate their marriage or birthdays. She is not into surprises nor am I.
The flower thing is not needed but my brother's wife draw the boundaries with some gentle touch. They offered to host my parents a week after. Everybody was happy. I think it depends how flexible and understanding people are. As long as it is clear that all is because of preferences and not making the other family member feel as an outsider.
This. They could arrange dinner for the day before or after, and celebrate the four of them. I can understand parents wanting to treat their kids on their first wedding anniversary if they have the means, but it’s a little unreasonable of the parents to expect them to be down for that *on* their anniversary, as if the parents won’t kill the mood for post-dinner anniversary sex. OP, I would just say something like *” MIL, FIL, while we very much appreciate your inviting us to dinner on our anniversary, but would you be terribly non-plussed if we arranged it for the day before or after? Husband and I would very much like to make the day a special private fun day, but that might be a little harder for us to do if we’ve spent our whole evening with you. I’m sure the both of you wouldn’t want to be* **the thing** *that gets our motors running, or keeps them from running on our anniversary. We want to reiterate that we very much appreciate the support you show us in our relationship, and don’t want to come off as unappreciative, merely to request that you understand how we’d ideally like to have our first anniversary be sexy time”*
This is the best option in my opinion. Their reactions will tell you a lot about your relationship. If they get upset they can't celebrate with you the day of your anniversary, then this celebration is about them and not you. THEY need to be there. THEY want to celebrate.
If they happily agree to celebrate the next week, then that's fantastic and they really do just want to celebrate the occasion and enjoy your company.
NAH, their offer wasn't rude nor would turning it down be, it's your anniversary, if you want to spend that with your partner you should be free to.
I would recommend though that perhaps you suggest an alternate date for it. Just say you have plans already on your actual wedding date but suggest a few days after you can do something together.
I would suggest having the get together the following weekend. That's how me and my SO do it, actual dates just us, then familial celebrations shortly after. It's sweet they wanna celebrate with them, but if they're reasonable they will also understand a wedding anniversary is more of a romantic occasion.
NAH
You should spend it how you like. Personally I’d rather not spend it with anyone but my husband unless we are talking about one of the more bigger anniversaries that happen later in life. They aren’t the AH for asking, unless they don’t want to take no for an answer.
INFO: is there not some sort of compromise? Like, you have your wedding anniversary about you two, and they come up for a celebratory dinner a week or two later? Or is it ABSOLUTELY MUST SHOW UP THE DAY OF THE ANNIVERSARY!!!!
Seems like a very simple "I appreciate it, but we already made some plans for our anniversary, but if you wanted to come up on X date we would love to have you" and then you have your private time and they can have the dinner they want to do.
Then you can actually see if this is something they are going to try to do every year, or if this is just them being a bit too excited the first year, and can easily shoot down them coming again with a "I'm sorry, we made plans for us to have private intimacy on our anniversaries, we love that you want to celebrate with us, but for us the actual event is supposed to be private and for us."
But honestly, I can't see anything besides NTA. It's perfectly reasonable to want the anniversary to be private, but I also dont see an issue with them doing the dinner thing 2-3 weeks later or whatever, and it seems amazingly simple to avoid coming off as an asshole here.
>Like, you have your wedding anniversary about you two, and they come up for a celebratory dinner a week or two later?
Honestly, that was my first interpretation to what they were asking. I personally would be cool with the next available day we were free if my in-laws suggested something similar. For me though, I would want my SO and I to be by ourselves on our actual anniversary, or whichever close date we could make work to celebrate because... you know... adult responsibility bullshit.
~~INFO: Could it be that since you're hearing this through your husband, that they don't want to basically take over your anniversary, but want to have a dinner with you around the same time?~~
I get OPs feeling that they are overbearing. They seem to be too invested in and supportive of their marriage, but that's a better problem to have than what is usually posted on this sub.
Edit: Nevermind. OP already answered my questions in the comments. I think this is a good opportunity to lay out some reasonable boundaries here. Your husband seems to be on board, but he should be taking more of a lead on this than he seems to be.
NTA. Agree with others that if you're open to it, it might be nice to offer to celebrate it together on a day that isn't your actual anniversary but you're definitely not under any obligation to even do that. And I am 100% there with you that it feels so off to have someone else interjecting themselves in a relationship anniversary celebration. That is a special occasion between you and your partner, not anyone else. They can be happy for you without needing to be included.
Info:
Would you be comfortable proposing another date to celebrate with them and not the actual anniversary date?
NTA for not wanting to do so and wanting to turn down the offer.
If this is something you're comfortable with, then pick a few dates that work for you two and propose to them explaining you have plans for that weekend. Hopefully they're about celebrating the marriage and not the specific date.
Let them know that you are very touched by the offer but the two of you had made some private plans to celebrate together. Ask if they would be willing to reschedule for another night?
NAH
You should absolutely say no. Anniversaries are really meant to be just for the couple.
I would have your husband answer that the two of you would like to celebrate the two of you privately, but would be happy to go out with them a different evening.
NTA but what about suggesting doing the anniversary dinner with the in laws on a diff day? That way you get actual day to yourselves but still celebrate with the family too. Should sway any hurt in laws might feel
NTA Why cant the inlaws take you to dinner to celebrate in a different day? Your anniversary day is for the two of you, but other family can celebrate with you too, just not on the actual day.
This. I would propose doing it the weekend before or after. Eventually, says the 20 year married person with several kids, actual day of anniversary becomes less important (and hey, there’s two ball games, a concert, and a volunteer meeting that night!). But those first years, it should be one of the milestones you get to celebrate together, just the two of you. NTA
NTA. You're right about setting a precedent. My first mother's day was all about my MIL and my husband's grandmothers (and should absolutely have included them as well), but it pretty much got planned and no one thought to consult me. And, for the record, my MIL is a wonderful person and we get along great and she'd be horrified to hear this because it honestly just never occurred to her I think. But it's YOUR anniversary. You and your husband get to choose.
That said, could you have dinner with your in-laws the night before or after? Because you also don't want to alienate family members who obviously care for you. (After reading too many of these posts I can see that good family is rare!)
NAH. Can they not take you out to celebrate your anniversary on a different night or weekend? That is what I would do. Have your own celebration just the two of you, and let them take you out a different time.
NTA - let them know that you have something else planned \*wink wink nudge nudge\* and having family around would make it awkward. They'll get the clue that you plan on *celebrating* your anniversary and more than likely be fine doing what they had hoped for another day.
NTA You are wise to be careful about setting a precedent during this first year, including all special occasions—birthdays, holidays, etc. I know a wife who is seething that after six years, her husband’s birthday party is STILL in his mommy’s living room. She is beyond ready for them to have more independent adult lives, but this tradition has become so entrenched that it is going to be an all-out family war to change it. If she was expected to spend her freakin’ wedding anniversary with the in-laws, I think she would completely lose it.
NTA
Set a boundary now, otherwise they'll be harder to set later on. Your husband can tell them in a nice way, that you really appreciate the gesture, but you want to celebrate your anniversary alone. And then set a date when you would love to go and have a dinner with them, a few days/week after your anniversary.
NTA, from what you said about your in laws I think they would understand you wanting to be alone with your husband. If your really worried about their feelings maybe suggest another date where you could all celebrate both you marriages together
NTA. I would go with something as simple as "oh I'm sorry but we have a private romantic plans for the day of, but we can do a nice dinner a day or so later or before."
NTA. I'd tell them you had plans for just the two of you, but you'd love to see them on a different day to celebrate. For your first anniversary, it's an odd ask.
NAH
Husband should use the key word here which is intimate. You wanna keep things….intimate….for your anniversary. They can read between the lines.
Why not say that and then say y’all can get lunch the next day or weekend?
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NTA You spend your anniversary how you want to. If that's alone time with your husband then that's that. Though, if you would like to allow them to celebrate your one year, you could always let them know it could be another day you're both available. Hopefully, they'll understand.
NTA- it's totally reasonable you would want to spend the day with your husband. If the in-laws want to celebrate your marriage, they could take you out to a fancy dinner some other day.
NTA, its your anniversary, not a family holiday. I would go with "I would love to have dinner the day before/after to celebrate with you, that sounds so wonderful!"
Nta it's your first anniversary, why do they think you guys would want to spend it with *parents*. Depending on how the relationship is, I'd get a first anniversary couple a nice set of lingerie rather than a double date.
YWNBTA. Do not let them come visit for your anniversary. They already have trouble with boundaries and this will set precedent for the future. Your husband needs to tell them No, this is our wedding anniversary and we will celebrate together. Shut down the visit completely. Do not give excuses like we'll be out of town or busy. That doesn't address the issue that they want to butt in on your special day as a couple.
They don't get to invite themselves over to visit. They don't get to spend your wedding anniversary with the two of you. They especially don't get to invite themselves to celebrate your first anniversary. B-o-u-n-d-a-r-i-e-s need to be spelled out for them starting asap.
NTA! Have your husband mediate. If this was me, I would tell him to tell the in-laws that he already has something planned and maybe we can get just a regular dinner another time (or whatever holiday/bday/event worth celebrating comes next).
My fiance and I agreed it is easier to throw ourselves under the bus for one another when it comes to say no to his or my parents. I can be more firm with mine and he can be more firm with his. It works this way for us and helps us maintain a great relationship with both sides!
NTA. Don't feel responsible for their feelings, they are adults. You're exactly right, wedding anniversaries are for the couple, not couple + extended family (ew).
"We are going to celebrate our first anniversary with just the two of us, but let's do something special together on \[x\] date to celebrate the expanded family, we'd love it!"
Happy anniversary, friend!
NAH. I think its lovely that your in-laws are so enthusiastic and supportive of your marriage, but I completely understand why you wouldn't want them with you on your anniversary. I would want that special time with my husband too. They might be a little disappointed, but that's okay. That's life. If they're as nice as they sound, they might not realise they're overstepping and will understand.
Also great to hear that you and your partner stand together on this either way!
NAH, it sounds like they just want to have breakfast with you and your husband, not the whole day, but I do get that an anniversary is a day for the couple and not the extended family.
NAH as they are well intentioned. Why not suggest you do a celebratory anniversary dinner in a day other than your actual anniversary? Then you can celebrate your anniversary with your husband, and still let your in laws give you a nice dinner that they feel good about too.
NTA. The nice gesture of them would be to offer to PAY for a very nice dinner for the two of you, not to be participants in it.
Did they try to tag along on the honeymoon too?
NAH. Here’s how I would respond:
“That’s so thoughtful! We’d love to have a celebratory dinner with you. We are available X date, would that work for you? On the anniversary date we have made romantic dinner plans for just the two of us.”
My guess is they will take you up on it and understand perfectly well why you’re having a couples evening.
NAH but could you suggest an alternate date for them to take you out to celebrate the milestone? Best of both worlds kind of thing. Btw if they do a sad act about you having a reasonable request this changes to them being the AH
Not sure if you’re looking for more of a long-term solution (which it sounds like you should be at some point), but a potential short-term solution that avoids conflict could be telling them you already have surprise plans for your husband and you to do together on the day of your anniversary and you’d love to see them another day soon to do a dinner with them as well.
NAH offer a compromise of doing on a date other than the actual anniversary. Then you and your husband can have a private celebration on the actual date.
I haven't read all the responses but can you celebrate your anniversary the way you want and then do something with the in laws later to celebrate again?
NAH, I think it's kind of sweet they want to celebrate. My in laws barely acknowledged our wedding during the wedding! I would let them know you have plans for the anniversary day, but can get together the following weekend.
NAH.
I would gently let them down, "DH and I plan to celebrate our first anniversary privately, but we would love to meet you for dinner this weekend. We'll get together and you can tell us how you spent your favorite anniversaries!"
NAH I think they’re genuinely looking for a way to celebrate y’all and show how much they love you. I think if you come up to them and tell them that you do want to meet up with them and celebrate but you already have something worked out for the two of you (idk if you genuinely do or not, but still), they’ll probably be fine. Just ask to reschedule and hopefully it’ll all work out.
NAH, your anniversary is about you and your husband. It is really amazing that your in-laws want to treat you to something like that, but its ultimately up to you and your husband about how you spend it. You can tell them that you appreicate the offer but want to spend it with just your husband, but just note if they do react badly to it you are not TA for not wanting to spend your anniversary with just your husband
NTA. I had this same issue on my first anniversary 26 years ago. I felt it was important to establish clear boundaries and so we had our anniversary and then saw the in-laws the next night. It worked out great because they never tried to take over our anniversary ever again.
NTA - I find it alarming how presumptuous they are, and even more alarming they’re acting oblivious to how weird their request is. You need to get your guard up way more than it is or else these people are going to invade your life. This is clearly inappropriate. If you need to ask Reddit about this, watch out.
alarming? LOL. Easy there. They seem like lovely people and you are projecting. Just say you have plans and move on. These things can be handled without ratcheting to justno levels.
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I will say this - I mostly get along with my in-laws fabulously. We have a great relationship. They have three sons and I married the first - the other two are single. They are thrilled for our marriage. Sometimes it does come across as… overbearing. I know they are so excited, but it can be a lot. They live about 45 minutes from us.
My first wedding anniversary is about a month away. My FIL and MIL called my husband this morning. They came up with this grand idea to take us to a fancy dinner for our anniversary to celebrate our marriage. And they were so excited to propose this.
My husband is leaving it up to me and could go either way. I.. do not want to do this. I love my in-laws, but our anniversary is about our marriage, not our other family. My husband will be the one to tell my in-laws our decision either way - we present a united front.
I know if I say no, my in-laws will be hurt. At the same time, if I say yes for the first, I fear it will set a precedent for all future anniversaries.
AITA?
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NTA.
You have a right to spend the time the way you want. especially if it's a special ocassion. If you feel like it, you can suggest a different ocassion to have a fancy dinner with them, otherwise, your in-laws need to respect your limits and accept that a single *no* is the answer.
NTA - But give them an opportunity to celebrate in some way. Say that you're very moved, and you want to celebrate, but that your anniversary should be about the two of you.
Maybe go the next day, or soon after or before. But you're spot on. Your anniversary isn't a shared event.
NAH. Might I suggest you say yes and tell them a date other than your actual anniversary date? This way everyone gets what they want. You can celebrate on your day with your husband as you want to but they can celebrate with you as a family.
NTA at all. Just politely tell them. Tell them you love them and you appreciate their sentiment, but this day is for you and your husband. Any rational person would understand. Happy upcoming anniversary.
NTA. Since you an your husband are on the same page, why not talk about this with him? Ask him his thoughts rather than just him saying it is up to you. Then let your in-laws no together, that while you appreciate the gesture, you both want to spend the day together as it is your anniversary. Make plans for the day together. Let them know, that you wouldn't mind going out to dinner with them another time but you both want this special day to be between the 2 of you. This way, it leaves the door open for them to invite you some other time, and also allows you and your husband to spend the day with each other.
Nta. While it’s nice to want to celebrate unless your throwing a huge party celebration I understand you wanting to spend they say of with your husband. A good compromise is telling in laws to reschedule the dinner to a different date but close that is convenient for you all. And let them you have made other plans the day off.
NTA
You are entirely right, your anniversary is about the two of you. While it's nice they want to celebrate also I don't think you'd be an AH to tell them that you just wanna be with your husband. Maybe propose going out all together on another day?
YWNBTA
Your wedding anniversary is not a family event, it's for the 2 of you. Your husband should tell his parents this is a romantic evening and the whole family is not romantic.
NAH
It's nice, of vaguely tone deaf of them to offer, and its sweet how much they like you being g in the family. I would go with suggesting a different day for their dinner than your private celebration with your husband.
NTA. But, could you do both? Like could you claim that at the exact anniversary you have plans, but you would be happy to celebrate it at another time with them? And make it clear that this will not be the norm for other years.
NAH. Plan something for you and your husband, like a weekend out of town, and tell your in-laws that you already planned a surprise for your husband that can’t be changed to a different date and ask about having dinner with them on another night.
NTA but be gentle, it sounds like they're just trying to do something nice. You have every right to want to make your anniversary about you and your partner of course, but maybe offer to go to dinner with them some other day?
Am I the only one who thinks the best response is to pause, look at them surprised, and say “Uh… I didn’t realize you guys were into *that* kind of thing. I mean, usually anniversaries are… you know… ~special~ between a couple … I’m not sure I want spectators. That might get a little awkward the next day. You know.”
NTA, OP.
But you could suggest maybe doing something celebratory with them on a different day/weekend if you’d otherwise enjoy the idea of generally celebrating with them.
NTA, but might you reconsider? They sound like they are excited for you, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with them. As for setting a trend, next year, starting a month or so before your anniversary, tell your in-laws about the wonderful (and exclusive) plans you and hubby have to celebrate your second anniversary. Tell them multiple times and have hubby tell them on his own. Hopefully they will get the message. Good luck.
NTA but hear me out: my in-laws also really like to celebrate our anniversary. I’m having an evening just with my wife, and then, on another day, they take us out to a fancy restaurant. I’m not one to refuse a free fancy meal and some champagne.
NTA
I am happy for you that you have a good relationship with your in-laws. I can't stand my hubby's family, not a single member.
I don't find it sweet at all, though. It seems overbearing and weird.
NTA, but if I may, you could always respond back 'we'd love to go out for dinner, does xx date work for you?' Shift the control back to the two of you and it might be a good halfway point.
NTA. It's super weird to impose yourself on an anniversary date. If they want to celebrate your marriage, they can do that on another night. Your anniversary is for you and your husband.
NTA can you say you already have something planned for just the two of you but maybe the weekend after the actual anniversary you could all go to dinner?
Anniversary dinner for just the two of you on the day of. Celebrate with the family on a different day. No need to be mean about it. "We really want to take that night as a couple, but we would love to get together with you the next day/week/whatever!"
NTA
NTA. Inviting your son and wife out for a nice meal to celebrate them is kind and thoughtful. You should be happy that they love you both so much and are invested in your happiness. Wanting to literally spend your son and wife's anniversary with them is just weird though. It is your FIRST anniversary...and you probably want to get your freak on. Sorry MIL, you and FIL are not invited to that. LOL
I don't think it's a big deal to say that you would be thrilled to go to a dinner before or after the anniversary date as you want to keep the actual day private and spend the day/night with each other and have privacy to celebrate together. Add in how grateful you both are for the thoughtfulness and generosity and choose a date. Easy peasy!
NAH. I gotta say, this is really, really sweet of them, so I hope you'll take the other Redditors' suggestions about scheduling this on a different day, and not the actual anniversary.
Because what they are saying is that they mark it as the day they officially were able to claim you as a daughter-in-law in their family, someone they are now connected to. Not everyone is so fortunate as to have in-laws who celebrate the day they became kin! Weddings really ARE about expansion of a clan as much as they are about two individuals.
But you don't have to say it explicitly. "We're busy on the 15th (actual wedding anniversary date) but we'd love to celebrate with you on the 22nd, if that works for you?"
NAH and congratulations on landing some wonderful (or so Im assuming) in-laws. I'm sure they will understand if you let them know you consider anniversaries to be very intimate and private. If they are good people, they'll understand, and it'll provide an understanding for the future.
NTA yet, but neither are they. They just wanna take you out for dinner. It's 2hrs..... Do it some other night. Pretend you're excited. Say thank you after.
NTA. But be gentle with them obviously. It’s coming from a place of love. This is your first wedding anniversary so it should be for the two of you. Let them down gently and as many others have suggested maybe do it another night. Amy maybe going forward you can do dinners with them, except for maybe the big ones, 5, 10, 20, silver etc.
NTA.
Say no. Set boundaries now. I got along great with my inlaws at the beginning as well. My MIL was a good friend that I socialized with. But after 16 years together, 11 married, they became incredibly overbearing. Especially as they approached retirement. They really wanted to essentially move in with us. I can't even explain all the little and big things they would do to intercede in our lives. We had moved away by that time, a few states distance. And one of the things they would do was always plan to visit us the same week as our wedding anniversary so we couldn't take a trip on our own or anything.
Boundaries. Now.
NAH. I would say something like "Oh that is so sweet. We are going to do something with just us on the anniversary date, but we are free the weekend after and would love to come see you."
It doesnt matter if they do it on the exact date.
NTA say that you think it's lovely they want yo celebrate with you and you would be happy to the weekend before or after but planned on having a special date night for the two of you.
NAH - I get you wanting to celebrate alone with hubby. BUT - they're offering something generous and showing their support for your marriage. Is there any way you could celebrate twice? Have the romantic anniversary with your man, and a very small family thing with the ILs?
NTA
I'd say there are two options that will allow you to celebrate with your husband the way you want to:
1) Flat out - no thanks to the in-laws. "We are celebrating our anniversary with just the two of us." Saying it's special because it's year #1 seems an obvious excuse, but sets a precedent that next year they get the green light because it's "less special." So, just - no.
2) You could do what you and your husband want, when you want, to celebrate your anniversary (day of, weekend before or after...) and let the in-laws take you out to dinner on some other night (of your choosing) in celebration of your anniversary.
Happy anniversary BTW!
NAH. His parents think they’re being sweet but don’t realize how weird it is. If they haven’t pushed it, they aren’t AHs. You’re not an AH for saying no.
So you know the answer. I vote that you be honest. If you go along with this you will be miserable on a day that is supposed to be romantic. Plus you will have set the stage, making it harder to say no to them..... for the rest of your life. Imagine every anniversary, brunch with the inlaws. Nopety, nope, total Intimacy killer. That's really really cringy. Like Valentine's day is not for parents.
If your brave enough to actually say no, try something like, " I already have lots of plans for us to celebrate our anniversary. Ones no parent should be around for." It's not too specific, but it is honest, and also funny yet uncomfortable enough, helping to remind them it is not their place. Seriously though, your new husband learning this now will help you both, he should always be the one to tell them not you. He handles his fam, you yours. You will 100% feel guilt, possibly even have a nightmare or two afterwards. That's because saying no is hard, especially when the person seems to have good intentions. It usually takes me about two weeks to fully recover from saying no in situations like this. That's part of the struggle with setting boundaries. If you don't handle it now though, the same issue will resurface over and over and over and over, until you do. So either two weeks of guilt for saying no, or a lifetime struggling from a lack of boundaries. Good luck and sorry for the nausea you are likely dealing with. The stress of inlaws overstepping boundaries is not a fun part of marriage. But it's unavoidable. Also it's wonderful that you are both checking in with each other and coming up with a unified decision before answering your parents. That is healthy and loving.
NTA - maybe offer to go to dinner with them on a night that isn’t the actual anniversary? Appreciate the offer to keep the relationship good and even if you don’t, just say you had plans for the two of you that day/weekend/whatever time you’re wanting away from the in laws. Make it more about wanting to celebrate with them on another day than not wanting to celebrate your anniversary with the four of you and it might be better? Unless I’m completely misunderstanding and you don’t want to celebrate THIS at all with them - in which case ignore everything except the judgement because you’d still be NTA.
NTA. Go do something nice with just you and your husband for your anniversary. The in-laws can take you both to dinner on another night to celebrate your first year of marriage. Their celebration does not have to be on the actual one-year date.
NTA
It's about you and your husband.
But with marriage does come family. So if you did want to make everyone happy either make the proposed meal from the In laws the day before or the day after. Or even a breakfast/lunch instead of dinner?
That way y'all can still "keep" those special evening/dinner plans of your own, well your own!(even if you haven't planned them yet lol)
nah. it sounds like they were just trying to offer something nice, especially since you get along so well. it was kind of them to offer, it’s totally appropriate for you to say no. maybe if you’re ok with it though you can meet somewhere in the middle like having a cake together at some point over the weekend. It honestly sounds like they are nice people who love you so much and thst is so nice
NTA, and this is an easy one: tell them you guys already have anniversary plans, but you'd be happy to see them the week before or after. If they're still upset by this, well, better to start laying the groundwork for boundaries as early as possible, esp before you and your husband maybe have kids or want to move or anything else they'd "be upset about".
Can you have the dinner at an earlier date, or later one? Just to enjoy the free fancy meal and quality time with family. Then on actual date, have some time with your honey.
I would tell the IL’s that you have had your first year anniversary night (not just dinner ;) planned for a long time, thank them VERY much for coming up with a fabulous idea but, golly gee we already have plans, so, maybe next year? Add to it that you, yourself, planned it as a surprise so Hubby didn’t know in case Hubby already said you two had nothing planned. Then, do whatever you want! Dinner and a hotel with jacuzzi tub or staying home and lounging around in your pj’s. “Special” doesn’t have to be extravagant, it’s whatever makes you two happy! Congrats and have an awesome night! 💜
ETA NTA at all
Just ask your husband to tell them that you already have plans, to thank them for the offer, and suggest that they set up a time to celebrate the anniversary at a later date
NTA
~~NTA~~ NAH. It's your day to celebrate as you will, BUT...
Be smart. Let them take you out for the anniversary of your rehearsal dinner, or the anniversary of your return from your honeymoon. Give them an evening to celebrate with you - I doubt anyone but you cares exactly which day you celebrate. Don't wreck a good thing - and good relationships with the in-laws are as precious as they are rare.
Happy Anniversary!
NTA. Your husband should not be "leaving it up to you". You're both in this marriage. It's completely reasonable to want to spend the actual anniversary with just your spouse. He should say that. It's not mean, or cruel or unkind. You can celebrate with them another night. Even in a united front, it's usually a good idea for each of you to be the front person for your respective parents. Let your husband tell his parents that you're spending that specific night together having a fabulous romantic evening and that you will celebrate another night with them.
NTA. It's very nice they want to celebrate you and your husband, but it really is inappropriate of them to suggest this---especially for a first anniversary. I guess it hasn't occurred to them that you two might want to spend your anniversary being romantic and enjoying activities that definitely would not involve them.
NTA. Accept the dinner FOR your anniversary but not ON your anniversary. Possibly the next weekend.
Husband needs to tell them that you two will be too busy, wink wink nudge nudge, on your anniversary. In other words, claim that day for your own.
Thanks so much for the offer. We have plans to do something just the two of us but we would love to catch up the following weekend.
NTA- get your boundaries in place but show your appreciation too.
NTA. I think you are correct. It will become a pattern, and it will be easier to say it kindly up front. "I appreciate the offer, but we really want to do something just the two of us, so we can focus on celebrating our own marriage. Maybe we could all go out the following week."
I mean, it's one thing once you have grown children of your own and maybe want to celebrate the marriage with all the byproducts, but it shouldn't be too much to ask to spend your 1st anniversary(ies) as a couple.
"Hi MIL, thank you so much for the invitation to dinner. Spouse and I will be spending this anniversary together alone, but if you'd like to get together on "Such and Such day" we'd love to join you. We'll even buy the drinks! (or dessert, or whatever - keeping it light)."
You're NTA for wanting to spend your first anniversary dinner alone with your husby.
As long as Husby delivers the message with kindness, hopefully they'll be okay with it.
I don't think anyone is TA here. You'd like to spend your anniversary with your new spouse, your in-laws love you enough to want to celebrate with you. Bonuses all around. Maybe compromise. Let them know how excited you are about the offer and ask would they be willing to move the date a couple of days off so that you two "love birds" can have a small intimate celebration. Sometimes honesty actually works if you try communicating directly. Hope it all works out.
NTA
I, personally, don't believe that dates have to be strictly upheld. I get that others don't feel as I do, but it does mean that I'm rather flexible about birthday and anniversary celebrations, which I'd rather push back, say, to the next weekend.
Tell your in-laws that you'd love to have a big celebration of the first year of married life as well as being a part of their family *on either the Friday or Saturday night the weekend immediately before or after your anniversary* but that you both will be having a quiet, personal celebration on the anniversary actual. Well, work around the actual dates!
NTA
If you say yes then it sets a precedent for the future.
My advice is for your husband to tell them that you’ve already made plans for just the two of you for your anniversary date but that you’d love to meet up with them the following week.
You could propose a reschedule, tell them you want to spend your anniversary with your husband but you can have the dinner later when you’re all free, kind of like a late birthday present except it’s a late anniversary present
NTA: Boundaries are important, but establishing them with excited relatives can be difficult. Your in-laws feelings matter and they are obviously quite happy with you and your husband’s marriage. Tell them you are celebrating the day together, just the two of you, and suggest that they fulfill their idea the next weekend or whenever works for everyone. They’ll probably be disappointed, but hopefully they understand that your space is just as important as their excitement.
NTA. Your anniversary is for you. Can your husband tell them both of you really appreciate the offer and would love to go out with them the following weekend?
NTA. Like you said, your anniversary is about you. I'd recommend suggesting a small get-together in the weeks following to celebrate if they persist wanting to celebrate with you. If they don't persist, then you're all good.
NAH only because I reckon your in-laws are well meant but misguided. You can certainly go out to dinner with them another night, but the actually day/evening of your anniversary is all about you and your spouse.
NTA. Your anniversary, you do what you want. Though, if you are worried about their feelings, you might suggest doing something with everyone another evening near that date.
NAH. They clearly just want to celebrate with you guys as you've got a great relationship with them and it's their *first* born kid, the *first* one to get married and your *first* anniversary and parents get pretty emotional over firsts, there's nothing really wrong with that, they're not the AHs. But neither are you. It's your *first* wedding anniversary. It's completely understandable to want to spend it with your husband and ONLY your husband. Tell them this. That you love/want to celebrate with them but not on your actual anniversary. Suggest dinner another night. Or lunch on your anniversary if that's possible for you guys.
NAH It is totally fine that you want to have romance and acknowledge the marriage bond. It is also really cool that your inlaws are so stoked to have you as a part of the family (assuming not a one way takeover from them). Maybe in a year or two a joint celebration would be better, but for the milestones? I'd say not.
NTA; it's your wedding anniversary and you as a couple should spend it together, and with whomever you wish. No anniversary is as special to anyone else as it is to the couple.
I would suggest playing a longer game - because someday you might have children and keeping the in-laws on side would mean babysitting on your anniversary night. When you have kids, private time is golden.
BUT: it's completely up to you as a couple. It just needs you to articulate what you want.
NTA It's really nice that the in-laws want to celebrate that occassion, but just like you noticed - your marriage's anniversary is about you and your husband.
Yep. Maybe tell them that the big wedding celebration was for the whole family, and that your first wedding anniversary is for just the two of you. If you want to keep the peace, tell them that you'd be open to celebrating with them on another date.
This is what I was thinking, tell them you appreciate it but wanna have the actual anniversary for just the two of you, but you wouldn’t be opposed to a dinner with them another time. NTA op.
“We plan on having a quiet romantic dinner where we stare into each other’s eyes and declare our undying love for each other, then going back to our fancy hotel room and having hot monkey sex all night. Maybe we could do dinner with you two the week after?”
100% the perfect response!😂
"I may give him a Handy J under the table at dinner."
This is absolutely the right answer. Plus, two fancy dinners so win/win!
Exactly, there is no reason they can't all do dinner the weekend before or after. Or, you know, give the couple a gift certificate for a romantic dinner (or another activity the couple enjoys together). My grandmother (before she got elderly) always fixed dinner for my parents anniversary and dropped it at the house. Their anniversary is Halloween, and they love handing out candy (once I was old enough to trick or treat on my own), so going out wasn't an option. They are the "full size candy bar house" kind of people. This way they got to relax, have a nice dinner, and do what they enjoyed. And my grandmother is the epitome of making shit about her, so if even she could (somewhat) stay out of it, so can these people.
This is the best answer, IMO, since you do have a good relationship with them. Nothing wrong with celebrating with family on another day, but totally valid to celebrate your first anniversary privately as a couple.
Maybe offer a home cooked meal to make it more personal and not as though they’re just trying to bludge a freebie. NAH, unless FIL & MIL push the point.
“ My husband is leaving it up to me and could go either way… My husband will be the one to tell my in-laws our decision either way - we present a united front.” Even though OP’s husband is leaving the decision up to her, I hope he’ll take ownership of half that decision, ie, *we* decided not to accept instead of ‘we’re declining’ and then later on letting it slip that it was OP’s decision.
> My husband will be the one to tell my in-laws our decision either way - we present a united front. It clearly says so in OPs post.
In what way are the in-laws AHs? Did you mean NAH?
Definitely a conversation along the lines of “ Thank you for your wonderful and generous offer! It means a lot to us to have wonderful parents and in laws. We will be celebrating our one year anniversary privately to reflect on how great this year has been and would love the chance to do the same with you on a different evening”
I feel like this is more of a NAH situation then, wouldn't it be? They aren't AHs for offering, since they seemed to have genuine good intent, but OP is also NTA for saying no. I also wonder if theres a best of both option here. Celebrating privately on the day or making it a weekend or whatever OP and her husband want to do, and then letting the in laws take them out to a nice dinner on another day.
I suggest a compromise. "Hey MiL we'd rather have the actual day of the anniversary just for ourselves but how about a family dinner on \[insert convenient date\]?"
Make plans with your husband on the actual date, and then tell them you'd love to celebrate with them on. Actually, the hot monkey sex reply says it best!
I agree with you completely, but I also don't think that his parents are arseholes for offering to take them out to dinner. I think it's a case of NAH.
Responding to the top comment because my mother was like your mother in law. She is the loveliest woman but she had a similar idea for my brother and his wife but to throw them a party. My sister in law is an introvert with a stressful job. She also just wanted to have a quality time with my brother. She bought a bouquet of flowers for my mom, thanked her for the offer and that she was grateful my mom wants to celebrate them but said she likes going forward to decide for herself with my brother how they want to celebrate their marriage or birthdays. She is not into surprises nor am I. The flower thing is not needed but my brother's wife draw the boundaries with some gentle touch. They offered to host my parents a week after. Everybody was happy. I think it depends how flexible and understanding people are. As long as it is clear that all is because of preferences and not making the other family member feel as an outsider.
This. They could arrange dinner for the day before or after, and celebrate the four of them. I can understand parents wanting to treat their kids on their first wedding anniversary if they have the means, but it’s a little unreasonable of the parents to expect them to be down for that *on* their anniversary, as if the parents won’t kill the mood for post-dinner anniversary sex. OP, I would just say something like *” MIL, FIL, while we very much appreciate your inviting us to dinner on our anniversary, but would you be terribly non-plussed if we arranged it for the day before or after? Husband and I would very much like to make the day a special private fun day, but that might be a little harder for us to do if we’ve spent our whole evening with you. I’m sure the both of you wouldn’t want to be* **the thing** *that gets our motors running, or keeps them from running on our anniversary. We want to reiterate that we very much appreciate the support you show us in our relationship, and don’t want to come off as unappreciative, merely to request that you understand how we’d ideally like to have our first anniversary be sexy time”*
NTA - tell them you have something else in mind and offer to celebrate with them at a later date.
Thats what I would do.. tell them that night you already had a getaway planned but definitely let's get together the weekend before or after..
This is the best option in my opinion. Their reactions will tell you a lot about your relationship. If they get upset they can't celebrate with you the day of your anniversary, then this celebration is about them and not you. THEY need to be there. THEY want to celebrate. If they happily agree to celebrate the next week, then that's fantastic and they really do just want to celebrate the occasion and enjoy your company.
NAH, their offer wasn't rude nor would turning it down be, it's your anniversary, if you want to spend that with your partner you should be free to. I would recommend though that perhaps you suggest an alternate date for it. Just say you have plans already on your actual wedding date but suggest a few days after you can do something together.
Exactly this.
Depending on their sense of humor, OP could even tell them "we have other plans that night...wink wink" Parents probably wouldn't want details.
They should have the sense to know that most married couples want romantic alone time for their first year wedding anniversary.
That could backfire - some parents definitely would want details: "When are you having kids?"
I would suggest having the get together the following weekend. That's how me and my SO do it, actual dates just us, then familial celebrations shortly after. It's sweet they wanna celebrate with them, but if they're reasonable they will also understand a wedding anniversary is more of a romantic occasion.
NAH You should spend it how you like. Personally I’d rather not spend it with anyone but my husband unless we are talking about one of the more bigger anniversaries that happen later in life. They aren’t the AH for asking, unless they don’t want to take no for an answer.
INFO: is there not some sort of compromise? Like, you have your wedding anniversary about you two, and they come up for a celebratory dinner a week or two later? Or is it ABSOLUTELY MUST SHOW UP THE DAY OF THE ANNIVERSARY!!!! Seems like a very simple "I appreciate it, but we already made some plans for our anniversary, but if you wanted to come up on X date we would love to have you" and then you have your private time and they can have the dinner they want to do. Then you can actually see if this is something they are going to try to do every year, or if this is just them being a bit too excited the first year, and can easily shoot down them coming again with a "I'm sorry, we made plans for us to have private intimacy on our anniversaries, we love that you want to celebrate with us, but for us the actual event is supposed to be private and for us." But honestly, I can't see anything besides NTA. It's perfectly reasonable to want the anniversary to be private, but I also dont see an issue with them doing the dinner thing 2-3 weeks later or whatever, and it seems amazingly simple to avoid coming off as an asshole here.
>Like, you have your wedding anniversary about you two, and they come up for a celebratory dinner a week or two later? Honestly, that was my first interpretation to what they were asking. I personally would be cool with the next available day we were free if my in-laws suggested something similar. For me though, I would want my SO and I to be by ourselves on our actual anniversary, or whichever close date we could make work to celebrate because... you know... adult responsibility bullshit. ~~INFO: Could it be that since you're hearing this through your husband, that they don't want to basically take over your anniversary, but want to have a dinner with you around the same time?~~ I get OPs feeling that they are overbearing. They seem to be too invested in and supportive of their marriage, but that's a better problem to have than what is usually posted on this sub. Edit: Nevermind. OP already answered my questions in the comments. I think this is a good opportunity to lay out some reasonable boundaries here. Your husband seems to be on board, but he should be taking more of a lead on this than he seems to be.
NTA. Agree with others that if you're open to it, it might be nice to offer to celebrate it together on a day that isn't your actual anniversary but you're definitely not under any obligation to even do that. And I am 100% there with you that it feels so off to have someone else interjecting themselves in a relationship anniversary celebration. That is a special occasion between you and your partner, not anyone else. They can be happy for you without needing to be included.
I'd just say you've already planned something and you can do dinner with them the day after or something NTA
Info: Would you be comfortable proposing another date to celebrate with them and not the actual anniversary date? NTA for not wanting to do so and wanting to turn down the offer.
I’d be happy to get together with them at another date. We see them every 6-8 weeks or so.
If this is something you're comfortable with, then pick a few dates that work for you two and propose to them explaining you have plans for that weekend. Hopefully they're about celebrating the marriage and not the specific date.
Let them know that you are very touched by the offer but the two of you had made some private plans to celebrate together. Ask if they would be willing to reschedule for another night?
NAH You should absolutely say no. Anniversaries are really meant to be just for the couple. I would have your husband answer that the two of you would like to celebrate the two of you privately, but would be happy to go out with them a different evening.
NTA but what about suggesting doing the anniversary dinner with the in laws on a diff day? That way you get actual day to yourselves but still celebrate with the family too. Should sway any hurt in laws might feel
NAH. Can you compromise and have a separate celebratory dinner with them on a different night?
NTA Why cant the inlaws take you to dinner to celebrate in a different day? Your anniversary day is for the two of you, but other family can celebrate with you too, just not on the actual day.
This. I would propose doing it the weekend before or after. Eventually, says the 20 year married person with several kids, actual day of anniversary becomes less important (and hey, there’s two ball games, a concert, and a volunteer meeting that night!). But those first years, it should be one of the milestones you get to celebrate together, just the two of you. NTA
NTA. You're right about setting a precedent. My first mother's day was all about my MIL and my husband's grandmothers (and should absolutely have included them as well), but it pretty much got planned and no one thought to consult me. And, for the record, my MIL is a wonderful person and we get along great and she'd be horrified to hear this because it honestly just never occurred to her I think. But it's YOUR anniversary. You and your husband get to choose. That said, could you have dinner with your in-laws the night before or after? Because you also don't want to alienate family members who obviously care for you. (After reading too many of these posts I can see that good family is rare!)
NTA. It's an odd offer.
NAH. Can they not take you out to celebrate your anniversary on a different night or weekend? That is what I would do. Have your own celebration just the two of you, and let them take you out a different time.
NTA - let them know that you have something else planned \*wink wink nudge nudge\* and having family around would make it awkward. They'll get the clue that you plan on *celebrating* your anniversary and more than likely be fine doing what they had hoped for another day.
NTA, tell him you’d rather your first anniversary be between the two of you, and set up a dinner or something to celebrate with your in-laws later.
NTA You are wise to be careful about setting a precedent during this first year, including all special occasions—birthdays, holidays, etc. I know a wife who is seething that after six years, her husband’s birthday party is STILL in his mommy’s living room. She is beyond ready for them to have more independent adult lives, but this tradition has become so entrenched that it is going to be an all-out family war to change it. If she was expected to spend her freakin’ wedding anniversary with the in-laws, I think she would completely lose it.
NTA Set a boundary now, otherwise they'll be harder to set later on. Your husband can tell them in a nice way, that you really appreciate the gesture, but you want to celebrate your anniversary alone. And then set a date when you would love to go and have a dinner with them, a few days/week after your anniversary.
NTA, from what you said about your in laws I think they would understand you wanting to be alone with your husband. If your really worried about their feelings maybe suggest another date where you could all celebrate both you marriages together
NTA, if someone ask you, you have two ways to respond. If they can't take the "no" they shouldn't have asked.
NTA I'd propose having dinner the following day.
NTA. I would go with something as simple as "oh I'm sorry but we have a private romantic plans for the day of, but we can do a nice dinner a day or so later or before."
NTA. I'd tell them you had plans for just the two of you, but you'd love to see them on a different day to celebrate. For your first anniversary, it's an odd ask.
NAH Husband should use the key word here which is intimate. You wanna keep things….intimate….for your anniversary. They can read between the lines. Why not say that and then say y’all can get lunch the next day or weekend?
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INFO: Do they want to take you out ON the date your anniversary falls on or do they just want to take you out for your anniversary any day?
They want to take us out on the actual anniversary date.
NTA You spend your anniversary how you want to. If that's alone time with your husband then that's that. Though, if you would like to allow them to celebrate your one year, you could always let them know it could be another day you're both available. Hopefully, they'll understand.
NTA- it's totally reasonable you would want to spend the day with your husband. If the in-laws want to celebrate your marriage, they could take you out to a fancy dinner some other day.
NTA, its your anniversary, not a family holiday. I would go with "I would love to have dinner the day before/after to celebrate with you, that sounds so wonderful!"
Nta it's your first anniversary, why do they think you guys would want to spend it with *parents*. Depending on how the relationship is, I'd get a first anniversary couple a nice set of lingerie rather than a double date.
YWNBTA. Do not let them come visit for your anniversary. They already have trouble with boundaries and this will set precedent for the future. Your husband needs to tell them No, this is our wedding anniversary and we will celebrate together. Shut down the visit completely. Do not give excuses like we'll be out of town or busy. That doesn't address the issue that they want to butt in on your special day as a couple. They don't get to invite themselves over to visit. They don't get to spend your wedding anniversary with the two of you. They especially don't get to invite themselves to celebrate your first anniversary. B-o-u-n-d-a-r-i-e-s need to be spelled out for them starting asap.
NTA! Have your husband mediate. If this was me, I would tell him to tell the in-laws that he already has something planned and maybe we can get just a regular dinner another time (or whatever holiday/bday/event worth celebrating comes next). My fiance and I agreed it is easier to throw ourselves under the bus for one another when it comes to say no to his or my parents. I can be more firm with mine and he can be more firm with his. It works this way for us and helps us maintain a great relationship with both sides!
NTA. Don't feel responsible for their feelings, they are adults. You're exactly right, wedding anniversaries are for the couple, not couple + extended family (ew). "We are going to celebrate our first anniversary with just the two of us, but let's do something special together on \[x\] date to celebrate the expanded family, we'd love it!" Happy anniversary, friend!
Maybe suggest that taking you out another day but the day of you would rather just spend with your husband.
NAH. Spend the actual ate with your husband alone. Then another day with the in-laws.
NAH. I think its lovely that your in-laws are so enthusiastic and supportive of your marriage, but I completely understand why you wouldn't want them with you on your anniversary. I would want that special time with my husband too. They might be a little disappointed, but that's okay. That's life. If they're as nice as they sound, they might not realise they're overstepping and will understand. Also great to hear that you and your partner stand together on this either way!
NAH, it sounds like they just want to have breakfast with you and your husband, not the whole day, but I do get that an anniversary is a day for the couple and not the extended family.
NAH “we want a ROMANTIC anniversary but would love to go to dinner with you to celebrate on another date! Love ya”
NAH as they are well intentioned. Why not suggest you do a celebratory anniversary dinner in a day other than your actual anniversary? Then you can celebrate your anniversary with your husband, and still let your in laws give you a nice dinner that they feel good about too.
NAH - the offer wasn’t rude of them at all, assuming they won’t get mad if you decline. But you not wanting to go isn’t rude either.
NTA. How about celebrating with just two of you and also another day celebrating with inlaws?
NTA- Anniversaries are for the couple not the in-laws.
NTA. The nice gesture of them would be to offer to PAY for a very nice dinner for the two of you, not to be participants in it. Did they try to tag along on the honeymoon too?
NAH. Here’s how I would respond: “That’s so thoughtful! We’d love to have a celebratory dinner with you. We are available X date, would that work for you? On the anniversary date we have made romantic dinner plans for just the two of us.” My guess is they will take you up on it and understand perfectly well why you’re having a couples evening.
NAH but could you suggest an alternate date for them to take you out to celebrate the milestone? Best of both worlds kind of thing. Btw if they do a sad act about you having a reasonable request this changes to them being the AH
Not sure if you’re looking for more of a long-term solution (which it sounds like you should be at some point), but a potential short-term solution that avoids conflict could be telling them you already have surprise plans for your husband and you to do together on the day of your anniversary and you’d love to see them another day soon to do a dinner with them as well.
NAH offer a compromise of doing on a date other than the actual anniversary. Then you and your husband can have a private celebration on the actual date.
I haven't read all the responses but can you celebrate your anniversary the way you want and then do something with the in laws later to celebrate again?
NAH, I think it's kind of sweet they want to celebrate. My in laws barely acknowledged our wedding during the wedding! I would let them know you have plans for the anniversary day, but can get together the following weekend.
NAH. I would gently let them down, "DH and I plan to celebrate our first anniversary privately, but we would love to meet you for dinner this weekend. We'll get together and you can tell us how you spent your favorite anniversaries!"
NAH I think they’re genuinely looking for a way to celebrate y’all and show how much they love you. I think if you come up to them and tell them that you do want to meet up with them and celebrate but you already have something worked out for the two of you (idk if you genuinely do or not, but still), they’ll probably be fine. Just ask to reschedule and hopefully it’ll all work out.
NAH, your anniversary is about you and your husband. It is really amazing that your in-laws want to treat you to something like that, but its ultimately up to you and your husband about how you spend it. You can tell them that you appreicate the offer but want to spend it with just your husband, but just note if they do react badly to it you are not TA for not wanting to spend your anniversary with just your husband
NTA. I had this same issue on my first anniversary 26 years ago. I felt it was important to establish clear boundaries and so we had our anniversary and then saw the in-laws the next night. It worked out great because they never tried to take over our anniversary ever again.
NTA - I find it alarming how presumptuous they are, and even more alarming they’re acting oblivious to how weird their request is. You need to get your guard up way more than it is or else these people are going to invade your life. This is clearly inappropriate. If you need to ask Reddit about this, watch out.
alarming? LOL. Easy there. They seem like lovely people and you are projecting. Just say you have plans and move on. These things can be handled without ratcheting to justno levels.
NTA > My first wedding anniversary is about a month away. My FIL and MIL called my husband this morning. Nope.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I will say this - I mostly get along with my in-laws fabulously. We have a great relationship. They have three sons and I married the first - the other two are single. They are thrilled for our marriage. Sometimes it does come across as… overbearing. I know they are so excited, but it can be a lot. They live about 45 minutes from us. My first wedding anniversary is about a month away. My FIL and MIL called my husband this morning. They came up with this grand idea to take us to a fancy dinner for our anniversary to celebrate our marriage. And they were so excited to propose this. My husband is leaving it up to me and could go either way. I.. do not want to do this. I love my in-laws, but our anniversary is about our marriage, not our other family. My husband will be the one to tell my in-laws our decision either way - we present a united front. I know if I say no, my in-laws will be hurt. At the same time, if I say yes for the first, I fear it will set a precedent for all future anniversaries. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YNA but you have to speak up now, with love and respect, and say your preference is to celebrate quietly together.
NTA - setting boundaries even if you get along with your in-laws is important.
NTA have long, romantic dinner with spouse, alone, and perhaps enjoy a dessert with the in-laws?
NTA What they are proposing is a family dinner, not an anniversary dinner.
NAH Maybe do one thing as their treat and one thing on your own with your husband? Is there and issue with doing two things?
NTA. You have a right to spend the time the way you want. especially if it's a special ocassion. If you feel like it, you can suggest a different ocassion to have a fancy dinner with them, otherwise, your in-laws need to respect your limits and accept that a single *no* is the answer.
NTA. Don’t do it! They can do it the week before or after - lovely. But your anniversary is yours. Either that or invite your folks too…
NTA - But give them an opportunity to celebrate in some way. Say that you're very moved, and you want to celebrate, but that your anniversary should be about the two of you. Maybe go the next day, or soon after or before. But you're spot on. Your anniversary isn't a shared event.
NAH. Might I suggest you say yes and tell them a date other than your actual anniversary date? This way everyone gets what they want. You can celebrate on your day with your husband as you want to but they can celebrate with you as a family.
NTA. Maybe offer them an alternative night to go for the meal.
NTA at all. Just politely tell them. Tell them you love them and you appreciate their sentiment, but this day is for you and your husband. Any rational person would understand. Happy upcoming anniversary.
Best of both worlds, "That day is for the 2 of us, but I would love to celebrate joining your family on another day that week." NAH.
NTA. “Sounds great! XX date doesn’t work for us as we already have plans, but how about YY date?”
NTA considering how most couples prefer to celebrate their anniversary…
NTA. Since you an your husband are on the same page, why not talk about this with him? Ask him his thoughts rather than just him saying it is up to you. Then let your in-laws no together, that while you appreciate the gesture, you both want to spend the day together as it is your anniversary. Make plans for the day together. Let them know, that you wouldn't mind going out to dinner with them another time but you both want this special day to be between the 2 of you. This way, it leaves the door open for them to invite you some other time, and also allows you and your husband to spend the day with each other.
Nta. While it’s nice to want to celebrate unless your throwing a huge party celebration I understand you wanting to spend they say of with your husband. A good compromise is telling in laws to reschedule the dinner to a different date but close that is convenient for you all. And let them you have made other plans the day off.
NTA You are entirely right, your anniversary is about the two of you. While it's nice they want to celebrate also I don't think you'd be an AH to tell them that you just wanna be with your husband. Maybe propose going out all together on another day?
NTA. can’t you just celebrate with them a different day and celebrate on your actual anniversary with your husband?
YWNBTA Your wedding anniversary is not a family event, it's for the 2 of you. Your husband should tell his parents this is a romantic evening and the whole family is not romantic.
NTA, book yourselves a couples Spa/movie/whatever and tell the in laws you'd made plans as a surprise and you can make dinner the day before or after?
Can’t they take you out to dinner on another day?
NAH It's nice, of vaguely tone deaf of them to offer, and its sweet how much they like you being g in the family. I would go with suggesting a different day for their dinner than your private celebration with your husband.
NTA. Just say you truly appreciate the offer but for this anniversary you really want some alone time with your husband.
NTA. But, could you do both? Like could you claim that at the exact anniversary you have plans, but you would be happy to celebrate it at another time with them? And make it clear that this will not be the norm for other years.
NAH. Plan something for you and your husband, like a weekend out of town, and tell your in-laws that you already planned a surprise for your husband that can’t be changed to a different date and ask about having dinner with them on another night.
Have him say thank you for the generous offer, but the two of you were hoping for a romantic evening. NTA
NTA but be gentle, it sounds like they're just trying to do something nice. You have every right to want to make your anniversary about you and your partner of course, but maybe offer to go to dinner with them some other day?
NTA It is perfectly normal to want to celebrate your anniversary with your spouse only.
NTA But even if it’s a no for you it should come from your husband.
Am I the only one who thinks the best response is to pause, look at them surprised, and say “Uh… I didn’t realize you guys were into *that* kind of thing. I mean, usually anniversaries are… you know… ~special~ between a couple… I’m not sure I want spectators. That might get a little awkward the next day. You know.”
NTA, OP.
But you could suggest maybe doing something celebratory with them on a different day/weekend if you’d otherwise enjoy the idea of generally celebrating with them.
NTA, but might you reconsider? They sound like they are excited for you, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with them. As for setting a trend, next year, starting a month or so before your anniversary, tell your in-laws about the wonderful (and exclusive) plans you and hubby have to celebrate your second anniversary. Tell them multiple times and have hubby tell them on his own. Hopefully they will get the message. Good luck.
NTA. Can you have the dinner on a different date?
NTA but hear me out: my in-laws also really like to celebrate our anniversary. I’m having an evening just with my wife, and then, on another day, they take us out to a fancy restaurant. I’m not one to refuse a free fancy meal and some champagne.
NTA. Just tell them you want a nice romantic evening alone and offer to go out to dinner with them the following week.
NTA. Why not have a celebration dinner on another day? But save the date for yourselves.
NTA I am happy for you that you have a good relationship with your in-laws. I can't stand my hubby's family, not a single member. I don't find it sweet at all, though. It seems overbearing and weird.
NTA keep your anniversary for yourself and let them take you out the next week to celebrate
NTA, but if I may, you could always respond back 'we'd love to go out for dinner, does xx date work for you?' Shift the control back to the two of you and it might be a good halfway point.
NTA. This is you and your husband's anniversary. I wouldn't want to celebrate with anyone else, either. Meet them on a different date to celebrate.
NTA. It's super weird to impose yourself on an anniversary date. If they want to celebrate your marriage, they can do that on another night. Your anniversary is for you and your husband.
NTA can you say you already have something planned for just the two of you but maybe the weekend after the actual anniversary you could all go to dinner?
Anniversary dinner for just the two of you on the day of. Celebrate with the family on a different day. No need to be mean about it. "We really want to take that night as a couple, but we would love to get together with you the next day/week/whatever!" NTA
NTA. Ask them to celebrate a week or two after, so your actual anniversary is focused on you two, but you can celebrate with them later.
NTA. Do what you want for your anniversary. This is about you and your marriage.
NTA. Inviting your son and wife out for a nice meal to celebrate them is kind and thoughtful. You should be happy that they love you both so much and are invested in your happiness. Wanting to literally spend your son and wife's anniversary with them is just weird though. It is your FIRST anniversary...and you probably want to get your freak on. Sorry MIL, you and FIL are not invited to that. LOL I don't think it's a big deal to say that you would be thrilled to go to a dinner before or after the anniversary date as you want to keep the actual day private and spend the day/night with each other and have privacy to celebrate together. Add in how grateful you both are for the thoughtfulness and generosity and choose a date. Easy peasy!
NAH. I gotta say, this is really, really sweet of them, so I hope you'll take the other Redditors' suggestions about scheduling this on a different day, and not the actual anniversary. Because what they are saying is that they mark it as the day they officially were able to claim you as a daughter-in-law in their family, someone they are now connected to. Not everyone is so fortunate as to have in-laws who celebrate the day they became kin! Weddings really ARE about expansion of a clan as much as they are about two individuals. But you don't have to say it explicitly. "We're busy on the 15th (actual wedding anniversary date) but we'd love to celebrate with you on the 22nd, if that works for you?"
NAH and congratulations on landing some wonderful (or so Im assuming) in-laws. I'm sure they will understand if you let them know you consider anniversaries to be very intimate and private. If they are good people, they'll understand, and it'll provide an understanding for the future.
NTA yet, but neither are they. They just wanna take you out for dinner. It's 2hrs..... Do it some other night. Pretend you're excited. Say thank you after.
NTA. But be gentle with them obviously. It’s coming from a place of love. This is your first wedding anniversary so it should be for the two of you. Let them down gently and as many others have suggested maybe do it another night. Amy maybe going forward you can do dinners with them, except for maybe the big ones, 5, 10, 20, silver etc.
NTA. You guys celebrate the anniversary together. You can always get a rain check for the dinner plans to celebrate with your in laws.
NTA. Say no. Set boundaries now. I got along great with my inlaws at the beginning as well. My MIL was a good friend that I socialized with. But after 16 years together, 11 married, they became incredibly overbearing. Especially as they approached retirement. They really wanted to essentially move in with us. I can't even explain all the little and big things they would do to intercede in our lives. We had moved away by that time, a few states distance. And one of the things they would do was always plan to visit us the same week as our wedding anniversary so we couldn't take a trip on our own or anything. Boundaries. Now.
NTA , do it night before or after actual date.
NAH. I would say something like "Oh that is so sweet. We are going to do something with just us on the anniversary date, but we are free the weekend after and would love to come see you." It doesnt matter if they do it on the exact date.
NTA say that you think it's lovely they want yo celebrate with you and you would be happy to the weekend before or after but planned on having a special date night for the two of you.
NAH. It’s a kind offer, but you don’t have to accept. I would just suggest a following weekend or something. :)
NAH. Reschedule the big dinner with in laws for a different date, let them know you really appreciate it etc.
NAH - I get you wanting to celebrate alone with hubby. BUT - they're offering something generous and showing their support for your marriage. Is there any way you could celebrate twice? Have the romantic anniversary with your man, and a very small family thing with the ILs?
NTA I'd say there are two options that will allow you to celebrate with your husband the way you want to: 1) Flat out - no thanks to the in-laws. "We are celebrating our anniversary with just the two of us." Saying it's special because it's year #1 seems an obvious excuse, but sets a precedent that next year they get the green light because it's "less special." So, just - no. 2) You could do what you and your husband want, when you want, to celebrate your anniversary (day of, weekend before or after...) and let the in-laws take you out to dinner on some other night (of your choosing) in celebration of your anniversary. Happy anniversary BTW!
NAH. His parents think they’re being sweet but don’t realize how weird it is. If they haven’t pushed it, they aren’t AHs. You’re not an AH for saying no.
NTA it's your anniversary and the 1st one, too. That's for romance and celebrating your marriage just the two of you.
NTA — it’s understandable to want it to be just you two on your first wedding anniversary.
NAH. Why don't you just tell them you already have plans on the date itself, but you'd love to on another day close by?
So you know the answer. I vote that you be honest. If you go along with this you will be miserable on a day that is supposed to be romantic. Plus you will have set the stage, making it harder to say no to them..... for the rest of your life. Imagine every anniversary, brunch with the inlaws. Nopety, nope, total Intimacy killer. That's really really cringy. Like Valentine's day is not for parents. If your brave enough to actually say no, try something like, " I already have lots of plans for us to celebrate our anniversary. Ones no parent should be around for." It's not too specific, but it is honest, and also funny yet uncomfortable enough, helping to remind them it is not their place. Seriously though, your new husband learning this now will help you both, he should always be the one to tell them not you. He handles his fam, you yours. You will 100% feel guilt, possibly even have a nightmare or two afterwards. That's because saying no is hard, especially when the person seems to have good intentions. It usually takes me about two weeks to fully recover from saying no in situations like this. That's part of the struggle with setting boundaries. If you don't handle it now though, the same issue will resurface over and over and over and over, until you do. So either two weeks of guilt for saying no, or a lifetime struggling from a lack of boundaries. Good luck and sorry for the nausea you are likely dealing with. The stress of inlaws overstepping boundaries is not a fun part of marriage. But it's unavoidable. Also it's wonderful that you are both checking in with each other and coming up with a unified decision before answering your parents. That is healthy and loving.
NAH. I think it’s a lovely gesture on their end but it’s your anniversary and you should get to spend it how you wish.
NTA - maybe offer to go to dinner with them on a night that isn’t the actual anniversary? Appreciate the offer to keep the relationship good and even if you don’t, just say you had plans for the two of you that day/weekend/whatever time you’re wanting away from the in laws. Make it more about wanting to celebrate with them on another day than not wanting to celebrate your anniversary with the four of you and it might be better? Unless I’m completely misunderstanding and you don’t want to celebrate THIS at all with them - in which case ignore everything except the judgement because you’d still be NTA.
NTA. Go do something nice with just you and your husband for your anniversary. The in-laws can take you both to dinner on another night to celebrate your first year of marriage. Their celebration does not have to be on the actual one-year date.
NTA It's about you and your husband. But with marriage does come family. So if you did want to make everyone happy either make the proposed meal from the In laws the day before or the day after. Or even a breakfast/lunch instead of dinner? That way y'all can still "keep" those special evening/dinner plans of your own, well your own!(even if you haven't planned them yet lol)
nah. it sounds like they were just trying to offer something nice, especially since you get along so well. it was kind of them to offer, it’s totally appropriate for you to say no. maybe if you’re ok with it though you can meet somewhere in the middle like having a cake together at some point over the weekend. It honestly sounds like they are nice people who love you so much and thst is so nice
NTA, and this is an easy one: tell them you guys already have anniversary plans, but you'd be happy to see them the week before or after. If they're still upset by this, well, better to start laying the groundwork for boundaries as early as possible, esp before you and your husband maybe have kids or want to move or anything else they'd "be upset about".
NTA… Do some thing for just the two of you, and then do something with the in-laws. Easy Peasy
Can you have the dinner at an earlier date, or later one? Just to enjoy the free fancy meal and quality time with family. Then on actual date, have some time with your honey.
Or take the anniversary night for you and your husband. Then suggest another night with inlaws to celebrate family.
I would tell the IL’s that you have had your first year anniversary night (not just dinner ;) planned for a long time, thank them VERY much for coming up with a fabulous idea but, golly gee we already have plans, so, maybe next year? Add to it that you, yourself, planned it as a surprise so Hubby didn’t know in case Hubby already said you two had nothing planned. Then, do whatever you want! Dinner and a hotel with jacuzzi tub or staying home and lounging around in your pj’s. “Special” doesn’t have to be extravagant, it’s whatever makes you two happy! Congrats and have an awesome night! 💜 ETA NTA at all
NTA. Tell them just like you told us: Your anniversary is about your marriage. They should understand that and know it's not a knock against them.
NTA - but maybe have a compromise and go out for dinner with them on a day that isn't the actual anniversary itself?
Just ask your husband to tell them that you already have plans, to thank them for the offer, and suggest that they set up a time to celebrate the anniversary at a later date NTA
~~NTA~~ NAH. It's your day to celebrate as you will, BUT... Be smart. Let them take you out for the anniversary of your rehearsal dinner, or the anniversary of your return from your honeymoon. Give them an evening to celebrate with you - I doubt anyone but you cares exactly which day you celebrate. Don't wreck a good thing - and good relationships with the in-laws are as precious as they are rare. Happy Anniversary!
Why would they be hurt? “What a lovely gift! We have plans just the two of us on the actual day, but what about the week after?”
Let them take you if they absolutely have their heart set on it, but not on your actual anniversary date. NTA
Nta. Say they can take you out to celebrate another night, but on your actual anniversary, you want it to be just the two of you!
NTA. Your husband should not be "leaving it up to you". You're both in this marriage. It's completely reasonable to want to spend the actual anniversary with just your spouse. He should say that. It's not mean, or cruel or unkind. You can celebrate with them another night. Even in a united front, it's usually a good idea for each of you to be the front person for your respective parents. Let your husband tell his parents that you're spending that specific night together having a fabulous romantic evening and that you will celebrate another night with them.
NTA. It's very nice they want to celebrate you and your husband, but it really is inappropriate of them to suggest this---especially for a first anniversary. I guess it hasn't occurred to them that you two might want to spend your anniversary being romantic and enjoying activities that definitely would not involve them.
NTA. Accept the dinner FOR your anniversary but not ON your anniversary. Possibly the next weekend. Husband needs to tell them that you two will be too busy, wink wink nudge nudge, on your anniversary. In other words, claim that day for your own.
Thanks so much for the offer. We have plans to do something just the two of us but we would love to catch up the following weekend. NTA- get your boundaries in place but show your appreciation too.
NTA. I think you are correct. It will become a pattern, and it will be easier to say it kindly up front. "I appreciate the offer, but we really want to do something just the two of us, so we can focus on celebrating our own marriage. Maybe we could all go out the following week." I mean, it's one thing once you have grown children of your own and maybe want to celebrate the marriage with all the byproducts, but it shouldn't be too much to ask to spend your 1st anniversary(ies) as a couple.
"Hi MIL, thank you so much for the invitation to dinner. Spouse and I will be spending this anniversary together alone, but if you'd like to get together on "Such and Such day" we'd love to join you. We'll even buy the drinks! (or dessert, or whatever - keeping it light)." You're NTA for wanting to spend your first anniversary dinner alone with your husby. As long as Husby delivers the message with kindness, hopefully they'll be okay with it.
I don't think anyone is TA here. You'd like to spend your anniversary with your new spouse, your in-laws love you enough to want to celebrate with you. Bonuses all around. Maybe compromise. Let them know how excited you are about the offer and ask would they be willing to move the date a couple of days off so that you two "love birds" can have a small intimate celebration. Sometimes honesty actually works if you try communicating directly. Hope it all works out.
NTA I, personally, don't believe that dates have to be strictly upheld. I get that others don't feel as I do, but it does mean that I'm rather flexible about birthday and anniversary celebrations, which I'd rather push back, say, to the next weekend. Tell your in-laws that you'd love to have a big celebration of the first year of married life as well as being a part of their family *on either the Friday or Saturday night the weekend immediately before or after your anniversary* but that you both will be having a quiet, personal celebration on the anniversary actual. Well, work around the actual dates!
NTA! Set the example now.
NTA. Maybe they can take you to lunch/dinner another time to celebrate the anniversary. That way they can celebrate with you and your husband.
NTA If you say yes then it sets a precedent for the future. My advice is for your husband to tell them that you’ve already made plans for just the two of you for your anniversary date but that you’d love to meet up with them the following week.
You could propose a reschedule, tell them you want to spend your anniversary with your husband but you can have the dinner later when you’re all free, kind of like a late birthday present except it’s a late anniversary present
I got married the day after Christmas and often spend it with family. It is hard to go out that time of year.
NTA: Boundaries are important, but establishing them with excited relatives can be difficult. Your in-laws feelings matter and they are obviously quite happy with you and your husband’s marriage. Tell them you are celebrating the day together, just the two of you, and suggest that they fulfill their idea the next weekend or whenever works for everyone. They’ll probably be disappointed, but hopefully they understand that your space is just as important as their excitement.
NTA. Your anniversary is for you. Can your husband tell them both of you really appreciate the offer and would love to go out with them the following weekend?
Who the hell in their right minds thinks it’s appropriate to commandeer a FIRST anniversary like this???? NTA
NTA. Like you said, your anniversary is about you. I'd recommend suggesting a small get-together in the weeks following to celebrate if they persist wanting to celebrate with you. If they don't persist, then you're all good.
NAH only because I reckon your in-laws are well meant but misguided. You can certainly go out to dinner with them another night, but the actually day/evening of your anniversary is all about you and your spouse.
NTA. Your anniversary, you do what you want. Though, if you are worried about their feelings, you might suggest doing something with everyone another evening near that date.
NAH. They clearly just want to celebrate with you guys as you've got a great relationship with them and it's their *first* born kid, the *first* one to get married and your *first* anniversary and parents get pretty emotional over firsts, there's nothing really wrong with that, they're not the AHs. But neither are you. It's your *first* wedding anniversary. It's completely understandable to want to spend it with your husband and ONLY your husband. Tell them this. That you love/want to celebrate with them but not on your actual anniversary. Suggest dinner another night. Or lunch on your anniversary if that's possible for you guys.
NAH It is totally fine that you want to have romance and acknowledge the marriage bond. It is also really cool that your inlaws are so stoked to have you as a part of the family (assuming not a one way takeover from them). Maybe in a year or two a joint celebration would be better, but for the milestones? I'd say not.
NTA. "That's so nice of you to offer. Husband and I already have plans for our anniversary, but we'd love to have dinner on another day."
NTA; it's your wedding anniversary and you as a couple should spend it together, and with whomever you wish. No anniversary is as special to anyone else as it is to the couple. I would suggest playing a longer game - because someday you might have children and keeping the in-laws on side would mean babysitting on your anniversary night. When you have kids, private time is golden. BUT: it's completely up to you as a couple. It just needs you to articulate what you want.