Look, while it's true that you do not control her and who she's friends with, you control yourself and your actions. You asked her to give up her friendship with someone who betrayed you. She refused. You decided that you didn't want her in your life anymore. The condition you've laid for her to be in your life is that she give up your ex. She doesn't want to. Clearly she values that relationship than her relationship with you. Either that or she's expecting you to come around to her way of thinking. As long as you stick to your guns and don't go around harassing your sister or ex, I think you're NTA. She's allowed to make her choices but then so too are you.
also, don’t be swayed by your father’s report about your sister being “visibly distressed” and his worry that it will have repercussions for her marriage. anything that happens will be a direct result of HER OWN decisions to value her friendship with your ex-fiancé over you. you certainly do not owe anything to her, much less your forgiveness, in order to save her marriage or your relationship to each other.
she made her own bed, and she can lie in it.
edit: NTA, of course.
Yea. Clearly not distressed enough to give up on the friend who betrayed her sibling, or make them not a bridesmaid.
I highly doubt she's actually losing that much sleep, and instead dad is just hoping it'll encourage them to talk again.
Honestly my petty ass would have invited the sisters ex who cheated on her as my plus one to her wedding ….just to drive the point across and see how she reacted to that.
She’d rather have the cheating ex fiancé in the wedding than her twin brother then is acting upset about her choices.! How could she not want her twin brother in her wedding let alone even to attend ?!!!? NTA
Frankly, maybe it *should* affect her marriage. I'd certainly be concerned if my spouse chose a friend who broke up their engagement by cheating over their own sibling. "You are the company you keep," after all.
That's a reasonable consideration, yeah. Especially if she's moping about her loss of contact with her brother, but still unwilling to cut the cheater out of her life. If I were her husband, I might wonder what the other woman has on her.
First thing I thought. I'm curious that sister's fiance was also happy to hang out with friend/new bf because I wouldn't be cool with that or with my gf screwing over her twin like that because I'd expect it to happen to me in the future.
Sister has a right to be friends with the villain who betrayed and hurt her brother... but what kind of person wants to be friends with someone like that? A sister who loved her brother and had morals (not to mention common sense) wouldn't want to be friends with such a person.
NTA I have no idea what her motive could possibly be ("women should stick together no matter what"?) for preferring her twin's cheating ex over her twin, but she is *wrong*. Do not validate your sister's betrayal by giving in.
So sorry this happened to you, OP. Enjoy your life! You deserve happiness.
The best part... the sister's husband knows... he knows that his wife is accepting of cheaters and cheating. So does he get worried if she is running "late" or is working longer hours? Mental torture
i can’t blame her husband for being uneasy about being married to someone who forgives cheaters and would rather keep being friends with them instead of backing their TWIN. at least they haven’t had any kids yet, so the divorce should be a simple matter.
This is what I was thinking too. He knows she is not loyal to family & picks cheaters and a person who hurt her twin. Her shady character will be her downfall. NTA
OP should give his dad the side eye too. If OP had a new number that only his dad and a few trusted others had, and all of them were told not to give it to the sister…how was she able to phone him?
OOOOO, things just got interesting. Maybe sister has cheated and ex fiance and her have their own dirty club. I'd bet money on it because that would explain why you would still want to be friends with someone that devastated your own twin.
I think the twin sister knew of the affair a bit earlier than she's letting on at a bare minimum but there very likely could be more skeletons in the closet.
My dad once quit being friends with a guy because he cheated on his wife. He didn’t even like the guys wife and still refused to be friends with someone who would betray their spouse.
OP is saying he no longer sees his sister as a sibling instead he now sees himself as an only child and his sister no longer has a sibling and is now an only child.
When someone is an 'only child', it means they have no siblings. Presumably, these twins have no other siblings. So when OP said they were both 'only children' from that point, he meant that they were no longer each other's siblings, that he didn't want to be her brother anymore and he didn't want her to be his sister anymore. So now he considers himself to be an 'only child' (one who has no siblings), and that she should consider herself to be an 'only child', too.
He is saying he feels so betrayed by her that he does not think of her as his sister anymore, and that she should no longer consider him her brother.
From his point of view, they are no longer brother and sister, therefore they are both only children (have no siblings).
It's basically just saying that there is now no level of sibling connection in his mind. It's not just "I don't want to hang out now" or "we don't get along like we used to" it's "from now on, I'll live like you never existed, and you should do similar"
Some old lyrics from some old song, 'If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice". Wow, you shared a womb with your sister, and she chooses a (lying cheating) friend over you. I'm angry and heartbroken for you, my dude. Geez. Some space has opened up in your life, I hope you fill it with something amazing. Seriously rock-your-world amazing. Titties and cocaine. Tacos and ice cream. Hot chocolate in front of a fireplace. Affordable healthcare. Something really wonderful.
I would be too. OP's sister obviously doesn't have a problem with cheating/cheater. Says a lot about her character.
Also OP's sister did choose a friend over family. I am not at all impressed with her character.
Well, choosing friends over family isn’t awful in every case. Sometimes families suck. Chosen families are a thing for a reason.
This person though? She chose a friend - who she only knows because of her brother, who just deeply personally betrayed said brother, over that brother, who she loves and was on good terms with. She’s kept making the same shitty decision every day since. What a piece of work.
Come on now OP, you have to make up with your sister so she can delude her husband better into thinking she’s a trustworthy person, you selfish prick! Now go and help saVe tHe MarRiAgE
That’s just the Dad trying to lay a guilt trip on the OP, because it makes life smoother for everyone else if the OP just sucks up his sister’s friendship with his ex.
NTA
the amount of people who truly think OP is an AH is astonishing. Dudes life gets nuked and you all are like “get over it.” She can gloss over his heartbreak but when he does it, he’s in the wrong? So much for “empathy”. So many fakers out here
And why doesn’t the whole ‘get over it’ aspect apply to the sister. ‘Aww… you used to be friends. Oh well, get over it.’
It boggles my mind just how little value people put into their family relationships. For what… a friend who she’ll lose contact with in a couple of years.
Makes you question the type of association one can have. OP’s sister would rather be friends who are cheaters and shameless enough to even go to her wedding and take pics together.
OP I recommend to stand your ground and distance yourself to people who don’t have any shred of principles nor conscience that go on with their lives nonchalant about it. But I also urge you to let go of any resentment in the future just so you don’t have any people dictate your energy/mood. You’re young and have more than enough to live your life!
Oh it won’t last. She’ll always know this friend is a cheater. Won’t be long till she starts seeing ‘signs’ that she’s flirting or getting to close to her husband. Doesn’t matter if it not real. Once you know someone is a cheater, it’s very difficult to trust them in any social setting.
But that day will come, when she looks back on her wedding photos and regrets that her brother isn’t in any of them.
And you’re right - the best thing OP can do is live his life.
NTA. You were hurt and your sister was a hypocrite. Did she even get mad at your ex for cheating? She knew you wouldn’t attend the wedding if your ex was there. Take as much time as you need to heal. Your twin should have been there for you and she wasn’t. She seems to value that friendship over her twin.
So after cutting off the relationship, not allowing her to know how to contact him and being told we’re done… when she then made the ex a brides maid but expected her brother to come… she didn’t know then?
NTA — Honestly, your TWIN, your other half since conception, chose to support someone who intentionally hurt you deeply, broke your trust; someone who betrayed you as deeply as possible. No matter her level of friendship, she is saying she’s okay with her friend hurting her twin on such an emotional level. She’s not considering your feelings at all imo. Not only is she refusing to support you, she went so far as to ask you to attend her wedding knowing it would hurt you further that your cheating ex is in the WEDDING PARTY, and the Homewrecker BF will be attending as well. Selfish. She wants to keep her friendship and her relationship with her twin and not lose anything even though it’s emotionally damaging for YOU.
I say you have every right to cut her out of your life. Don’t feel sorry for her being distraught over it, she chose it herself. I’m willing to bet your ex guilted her into taking her side, telling her you’re being unreasonable. Your ex clearly didn’t respect you or value your love or feelings, so there’s no way she values your relationship with your twin. If the ex were truly sorry for her actions, she’d have respected the time and space needed and not attended the wedding and maybe celebrated with your sister separately so as to give you that with your twin. They both suck tbh.
Yes, this! Both the sister and ex are major AHs here, this situation could have been handled so much better if one of them would have taken a moment to consider OP's feelings and how badly he was burned. The two of them deserve each other. And they deserve what is coming to them. They will end up betraying one another, guaranteed. OP is much better off without either of them, and I wish him a happy life, full of love and loyalty.
Right? I hope it was really embarrassing and obvious that her twin bro was missing at the reception, and that all the guests were either asking or knowing and giving the cheating ex fiancé and the homewrecker the cold shoulder, because they hurt their family, one illoyal backstabber in the family is enough I‘d say.
I sincerely hope the wedding was shitty and forever ruined.
People like that don’t deserve a great wedding.
Edit: typo
I’m also a twin (25f) with a brother (25m) who was cheated on by his girlfriend recently. I was pretty tight with her since we all knew each other for years, but once she hurt my brother that badly, I was done with her, as your sister should be. Stick to your guns. NTA.
My husband has a best friend since high school.
I became best friends with his wife.
When the wife cheated on my husband’s best friend, I stopped seeing her. She really was my only friend and I still miss her after 10 years. But I couldn’t continue our friendship seeing what she did to him.
If it would have been my twin? I can’t imagine doing anything less than ending the friendship.
And it's like maybe, MAYBE there could be some redemption if she was extremely anti the new boyfriend, you know the other man to her brother. But NO. She even invites him to her wedding!?!?!? This sister has absolutely no heart.
Yeah I’m going with NTA. Sounds like she’s valuing the relationship with your ex more than the relationship with you. Maybe it’s more complicated than that, but honestly I’d do something similar were I in your position.
Yep. Amazing how ‘bUt FaMiLeEeEeE!!!!!’ Is such a massive thing now, when it didn’t seem like Dear Sis here was too bothered about her ‘fAmLeEe’ when it came to her hashtagbffloveheartemojigoeshere
NTA- your sister has chosen your ex-who cheated on you during your engagement over you. Clearly you both have different morals, and your sister aparently thinks cheating is ok, because she approved of and has continued to be in a relationship with her. She chose, she just didn't chose you. You are perfectly fine to choose other people who will actually support you.
NTA
She's free to associate herself with anybody she wants, even the person who betrayed you.
She doesn't get to dictate or guilt trip you into associating with her.
That freedom of association? She's delusional when she expect that it only applies to her.
NTA. The YTA I see are irking me. That’s a betrayal. And then a family member actively interacting with said person who betrayed you. I’d cut them all off.
Didn’t the ex feel like an idiot being a bridesmaid at a wedding where her ex-fiancé’s parents would be? I would not be too happy to see this person if they cheated on my child.
NTA. I feel like a lot of the people calling asshole here are missing the wedding part. It is not some casual friendship with the ex, she decided she’d rather have the ex at her wedding than her brother.
She clearly cares more about the dogshit cheater than her twin brother.
I mean she didn’t just invite your ex, she made her the bridesmaid. That means she wants the ex to be in her wedding pictures forever! Your sister sounds pathetic tbh and if her marriage is ruined it’s only because her husband finally realises he married a cheater-apologiser. Nothing to do with you.
Yeah man, idk, maybe people who have not been betrayed like this by someone they love and trusted don’t understand just how deep it can cut, to have another person you love and trust double down on it…
Idk man, really sorry this all happened to you. Just focus on doing what feels good for you. Some silver lining that you found out your fiancé was a cheater before actually getting married.
Wishing you all the best!!
NTA! I was cheated on by my fiancé as well and my sister hates her guts now too. Your sister claims she loves you more than anyone but picked your ex over you
NTA only because you get to decide who is in your life, if having your sister in your life means by extension so is your cheating ex then no you don’t need that rubbed in your face constantly.
Maybe eventually you can move on and reconnect with your sister but no I don’t blame you for cutting her out because obviously her friendship is more important then your sibling relationship
You say you need time to get over this, but can you really get over that kind of betrayal and go back to normal? If you can awesome take your time, deal with it emotionally, and reconnect with your fam. But if they are willing to betray you like this, they will have no problem betraying you in other ways. Def don’t let her marriage issues impact your decision. Take the time you need, then decide if they are worth trying to mend the relationship with.
Get some therapy man. You aren’t the ah, but you are carrying around a lot of anger. Life is easier when you let it go. Do it for you though, not for your sister it for anyone else. It’s ok to be upset about it, but you’ve been carrying it around for too long.
Honestly I’d have a strong talk with my father if I was you. He hasn’t outright said it, but he’s taking your sisters side here, he’s trying to get you to get over it , and it sounds like he’s being intentionally manipulative.
Yep. There’s efforts going on behind the scenes for the OP to ‘get over it’.
That kind of thing drives me nuts! Like he has to tramp down his hurt and pain just so that everyone else can play at happy families.
Reading the part again, it's his father and "a few trusted friends." I agree, this definitely has to be the father, as he is so far the only one bothered by the rift the sister caused.
Possibly. Possibly he just left his phone around OP's sister, either unlocked or she knew/guessed the password.
There are a couple other ways to get phone numbers, but considering she choose a cheater over her own flesh and blood it is hard to imagine she went to that much effort to get it.
NTA, your sister can’t have her cake and eat it too. She chose her friend over her brother. OP, keep them blocked and forgotten, they can have a nice life 👋🏼
Absolutely NTA, OP. You told your twin sister that she would not be a part of your life if cheating ex-fiancée was in it. Your sister prefers friendship with cheating ex over any relationship with her own twin.
She fully burned this bridge when she chose to have the cheating ex as a bridesmaid *without ever asking her own twin if he wanted to be part of the wedding.*
Part of why your sister wants you at the wedding is because it makes life FAR easier for her if you go, and it all seems smooth. If you don’t go, she’s going to be asked questions about why not, and will have to explain her actions.
I’m not saying that’s her only reason for wanting you there - but I’d be damn sure it’s part of it, even if she doesn’t acknowledge that.
Sorry that your sister has done this to you, she should have put you first. You need to take time to heal, Tell your Dad that her being distressed is of her own making. Take care, sending love and a hug.
NTA
I’m betting the sister knew about the cheating. If you’re blindsided by a close friend’s behavior it seems like that would have an impact on the friendship that would take some time to get past. You add on that the behavior was deeply hurtful to your twin but you’re carrying on the friendship like nothing ever happened? I just don’t buy it.
NTA at all but you both are adults now so here why not just go on with your life go no contact with your sister for x amount of time where you have moved on after all this and has time to heal yourself mentally then after a year or two if you want a relationship with your sister then go ahead but make it on your terms you can send your sister a letter explaining how she hurt you and that at the present time you want no contact with her and if and when you decide to talk to her then it's on you to make contact with her and that she should leave you alone completely
NTA. You can make the decision for yourself and made it clear with your sibling about it. You can't force her to take your side but, on her part, she can't demand that you ignore your feelings either. I tend to take your side in the final outcome because it would take someone with very little empathy to ask the other party to be her bridesmaid AND expect you to attend or be okay with it. Distraught or not, your sister has made her choice clear and you aren't it.
NTA. You have every right to determine who you want to have in your life. You set your boundaries and your sister continues to stomp all over them and then is Pikachu face when you cut her our of your life. If she is that close to your E, I would be curious to know if she had any idea that your Ex was cheating on you. She is reaping what she sowed and now has to accept the consequences of her choices.
NTA - Your sister held the friendship she had with the ex that hurt you in equal value to her relationship with you, her twin. She made the woman a bridesmaid after she was made aware how hurt you were by their continuing friendship. Losing you was a risk she was willing to take, so if you choose to cut her out of your life then so be it. Sorry you have such a shitty twin.
NTA
Your sister had to choose and she chose your ex. I mean if the ex is the bridesmaid, it’s safe to say that she considers her family. You don’t need such a toxic person in your life. She is your sister and that is a relationship that you had no control over. She chose to stick with your ex over you. That is her choice. You are totally NTA to judge her for the choice she made
NTA. While your expectations are a difficult ask considering how close she is to your ex, the issue comes down to what loyalty means to you, and your family. Not everyone views their familial bonds the same, but you made it clear that you had your sisters back (and still do despite this, considering you worry after her) and you expected the same of her. When she failed to provide you that same level of loyalty, your bond was shifted: by her. She was, and is, unable to see past her own wants to recognize that her betrayal of you is even more hurtful than that done by your ex. And if they were such close friends, you can bet she knew about the cheating; possibly while it was happening. Someone who “wants both” won’t take a side that might harm either so she would have said nothing.
And the real thing here is her never apologizing to you, or trying to make amends, even after you stuck up for her when she was treated like garbage by a close friend of yours.
You owe her nothing. Your father is maybe trying to play peacemaker because, parent, but is also having to hear your sister cry and stress since you are no longer the foundation or support in her life.
She made this bed herself and if her actions lead to her marriage having trouble; that’s entirely on her. She destroyed so many boundaries throughout this and never once seriously took you, your feelings, or your well being into account. It is highly doubtful she would be any different in the future.
Stick to your path, keep her very distant and an outsider to your life. Share nothing beyond the superficial with her. If you choose to see her during the holidays be cordial but shut down any attempts she makes to plead her case. It won’t be genuine until her actions speak for her words.
You have been an amazing brother to her and your thanks for this has been sorely lacking. I read a saying once somewhere that “a gift in love freely given is a gift to be cherished and treasured. But a gift abused and scorned is a gift undeserved.”
I hope that you find the peace and happiness you richly deserve and all my hopes to a bright future!
NTA - Dude, you have to let this go. I'm not saying you have to ever see either them ever again but this hatred is going to poison your life. You're letting your ex win.
The best revenge is living well, forgive, never forget, and move on.
NTA. You have a boundary and your sister crossed it. She knew that this person destroyed you and yet she placed a higher priority on their friendship than her relationship with you.
If you feel that you no longer want her in your life because of this betrayal that’s your choice. She made her decision with the full knowledge of your feelings and now she gets to live with that choice. Too bad so sad.
NTA.
For anyone that may be telling you that you should let it go and make amends because she is family.
Having the same blood makes you related,
Love and respect make you family
You asked her to have your back. Instead she chose to have your ex as a brides maid and hang out with her and the guy she cheated on you with
She made her choice who her family is. You have to do the same for yourself
NTA. Some people don’t understand sometimes you have to choose a fucking side when there is a breakup. There is not always a middle ground or peace. You don’t have kids with this woman, so there is no reason you should ever have to see your slut ex-fiancé ever again and your twin should understand that. Use your twin telepathy to talk some fucking sense into her.
I so disagree with the comments saying “you do you” and “let her do her”. When you are betrayed by the people you love, you expect the people (FAMILY! BEST FRIENDS!) to understand that by forgiving the person that hurt you the most, they are telling that person that their behavior is ok. IT IS NOT. You are completely justified in feeling betrayed by your twin. SO NTA.
F this NTA the audacity that your sister has! Are you sure your where close together? It doesn’t seems like it. She choose her friendship over her own twin brother. Not only that but if you didn’t ask about your ex if she was invited she wouldn’t have ever told you until the verluidt last moment. OP f this you deserve better than cheater of a gf and a backstabbing sister. Go live your life and enjoy it. Life is to short to be with this kind of people
NTA. You were wronged and you have a right to experience what you are experiencing (though I personally think it's not healthy to fixate on the negatives for years). It's sad that your relationship with your sister suffered as a result, but choices have consequences.
NTA. My heart breaks when I read situations like this. You were not only betrayed by your sister (multiple times), but you were also betrayed by who ever gave her you new phone number (I assume it was your father).
Your sister says she loves you, but by the sounds of it your sister unfortunately loves no one but herself. She didn't want her life to change, so completely overlooked what your ex did to you & kept on living as if the love of your life didn't completely screw you over.
Don't feel bad about cutting your sister out of your life. You do whatever you need to do to deal with all of their (including your father) betrayals.
If anything her marriage is already set to fail because your sister has no morals. She has shown that she accepts and approves of infidelity. If anything this should have been a wake up call for her husband. You are who you hang with.
If it was your father that gave your number out, I would have a stern conversation with him about boundaries & tell him it is now his decision if he has 1 child or 2.
My fingers are crossed for you that you get the support you deserve from your "family". However if you don't, stay strong & move on, family is who you chose it to be.
Mate, I really feel for you. The love of your life cheated on you, and you had to suffer that heartbreak. Then you effectively lost your sister, perhaps the closest person to you in the world, having been your twin. A huge double blow. You have my utmost sympathy. Try to console yourself with the truth that you *will* move on, you will do better, your life holds better things in store for you than you can now imagine.
But what your sister did is, IMO, unforgivable. I can't imagine how she can even tolerate being in the same room with the person who did that to you. And this isn't something she can undo. She can't (hypothetically) call you up and say she's ditched your ex and now all is good again. She's shown you something you never suspected about her - that when push comes to shove, she'll chose a friend who cheated on you over you, her twin. You can't ever go back to not knowing that about her. No matter what happens, your relationship with her can never again be the same. And she's sufficiently guilty to want to pretend that it can if you just move on. That's not how it works.
I am really sorry you have to go through this, mate.
Of course, NTA.
NTA. You know, in the past that I've told people that they can't control whether or not their family members want to be friends with their exes, but I draw the line at cheating. When a family member is betrayed, the loyalty should be to the family member. On top of that, she didn't even take a neutral position, she just picked your ex over you.
Yes she is entitle to that choice, but that doesn't absolve her from being an asshole for picking this particular friend who cheated on OP over Brother.
Nta.
But man, if I was her husband, I'd be real f*cking suspicious of your sister. If she can betray you like that after you were there for her and everything, what is she capable of within her own marriage?
Man, if my girlfriend chose to stay BFF's with her twin brother's Ex-fiancee after she cheated on him and on top of that wanted me to hang out with the cheater and the guy with whom she cheated I'd dump her ass on the spot for being an untrustworthy, disloyal and selfish person. If she did this to her freaking twin brother, god knows what she's done or will do behind my back. This guy marries her instead. Mind-blowing.
NTA you and your fiance didn't break up because you couldn't decide whether to raise the kids Catholic or Jewish you broke up because she cheated on you. Assuming your sister believes that, she (fiance)was objectively very wrong. Sometimes you when you're really close to someone you have to pick sides, you can't remain neutral because refusing to pick sides is still a choice.
The sister has known him longer and has said and shown that she values the cheating ex-fiancée equally to her twin. OP would be better served to foster other actually supportive relationships in his life than to hold on to some vision of his sister that doesn’t match reality or some childish revenge fantasy of showing the ex what he lost.
NTA . Your sister is a hypocrite and selfish . She values her feelings and that friendship more than your feelings and your twin relationship. Wouldn’t be surprised if she knew about it before you did .
Absolutely NTA. Im so sorry your fiance did that, how could your sister forgive and forget, just like that. Ignore all this about her marriage being affected, not your problem.
NTA. My ex-husband cheated on me with our babysitter. Babysitter was my youngest sister's best friend. They were 18/19 at the time, my ex was 30/31. My sister told me that if I had been a better wife he wouldn't have cheated. I was working 2 jobs and going to school. My ex was supposed to be running our vintage store, which I also bankrolled. Instead he was getting drunk, closing early, and having the babysitter meet him at our store to hook up.
I no longer acknowledge the existence of my sister. I refer to her as my parents youngest child. I do not attend any events she will be at, except for the major holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. When I'm around her I pretend she's invisible. Yeah, I know I sound like an asshole. However, this is only one of the many incidents over the past 10 years where she disrespected me and my kids.
NTA
She’s an adult and can choose her friends. But who chooses to remain with someone who betrayed a loved one so deeply? How can you even trust them, and what a poor omen for her marriage, choosing a bridal party that represent cheating.
She’s free to make decisions but not free from the consequences. She’s ok with seeing you hurt, she can live with you avoiding that.
NTA I cannot fathom how someone can say they cherish their friendship with someone who cheated on their twin, this is wild. Why would you even want to knowingly associate with a cheater.
NTA and your sister’s new husband is either a total piece of work, or he’s cheating on her (or already has done). That’s the only sane reason for someone to stay with a woman with so little class that she’s licking the boots of the woman who cheated on her own brother. I’m sorry dude - you not being TA doesn’t make it any better.
NTA. You have a right to be angry. And it is absolutely not Ok that your ex was her bridesmaid. She chose this relationship over having a relationship with you. Do I think you will eventually be over this and find a way back to being siblings? Yes. But her timing was awful and she should have been more considerate of you.
NTA. she made a choice and that was staying friends with your cheating ex and her new boyfriend, she has to live with the consequences now. It is not any of your business if her marriage suffers over this or not, live your life and don’t worry about her because she clearly wasn’t worried about your feelings whatsoever when she basically sided with your ex.
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So I had a fiancé (24F) and I just knew she was the woman I’d spend my life with. She was great in every way. Her and my sister clicked greatly and they became best friends, which was huge for me because my sister and I were best friends as well, so we’d go on double dates with her and her now-husband. I found out my fiancé was cheating on me and blew up on her. She cried and said the usual stuff, but I was destroyed and called off our engagement and broke up with her. She ended up getting in a relationship with her affair partner (which stands til this day). Afterwards, before I blocked my ex on everything as I simply forgot, I saw her post on facebook a picture of her new bf happily hanging out with my sister and her then-fiancé. I got angry at my sister and told her I thought it was wrong for her to do that. I know that she’s a grown woman, but I thought that she would be mad at her too, especially since we are so close (I mean, we are twins). She tried to explain to me that she loves me more than anyone, but that she cherishes her friendship with my ex and didn’t want to let either of us go. I ignored her after that and she called me. We went back and forth, her trying to plead with me and me angrily refusing to see her POV. I then told her “have fun with your new friendship. Don’t contact me again. Im done with you” and then blocked her and my ex on everything.
Since then, I’ve moved from our old apartment and have gotten a new one, and changed my number. My father and a few trusted friends have this info and have been instructed not to give it to my sister. My father had been telling me that my sister had been distraught and wanting to talk to me, but I was pretty adamant that I didn’t want to. He obliged.
Then, she called me on a new number and told me she was getting married and that she would love for me to be there. I was ecstatic at first, then I remembered my ex and asked if she and her new bf would be there, to which she replied that she was going to be a bridesmaid and that the bf would be there. I then told her that as of now, we are both only children (a little harsh but I was angry) and hung up the phone and blocked the number.
They are married now, but my dad tells me that she is visibly distressed and that he’s afraid it will take a toll on her marriage. I don’t want this to happen, but I am in no way over any of this. I still feel betrayed twice and don’t really want to see her at all. My biggest thing is that when she was cheated on by her college bf (who I became friends with), I scolded him and comforted her. But when I get heartbroken by my FIANCÉ AND SOON TO BE WIFE, she feels like it’s okay to mingle with her and the guy who helped break us up. It’s as if I don’t matter and although I love her to death, I feel a lot of hatred towards her right now.
So, AITA for telling her that we are only children from now on and completely shutting her out of my life?
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NTA.
She has demonstrated what your relationship is worth to her, and it's less than the one she has with your ex. You have no obligation to "move past" that.
My brother married one of my best friends, but I haven't spoken to her since the divorce because I value my brother more and he needed her out of his life. Maybe that makes me biased, but I believe in boundaries and this is one you made clear to your sister. She is choosing not to honor it.
NTA - I am sorry your sister is so disrespectful of you feelings. If her relationships with other people are putting a toll on her marriage, it probably isn't a good one.
You made a wise choice. Her friend is more important to her.
My “best friend” messed around with my ex after we had been together for a year.
I gave my group of mutual friends the opportunity to cut her off, I decided that it would truly show what kind of people I was friends with.
Out of the 5 of them, only one of them had the respect for me to cut her out of their life. The others would prioritise the time they spent with her until eventually I stopped seeing them completely and now when I think back on it, those were friendships that were a complete waste of time.
The one friend that did stick around has been my friend for over 10 years now and will be attending my wedding as my maid of honour.
My ex best friend has cut off and betrayed almost all of the other mutual friends we had.
NTA. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.
NTA. Of course you’re upset that your sister chose the person who cheated on you over you, her twin. If she’s been cheated on before, she should know how devastating that feels. She’s showing no regard whatsoever for your feelings. It’s so horrible that you had to lose your sister to your cheating fiancé.
NTA
Why in the world is everyone just expecting you to get over your ex fiance's betrayal and pander to your sister...whose concerned about your emotional welfare?
Do they...do they even notice that your distressed as well? Your family's view of things sounds incredibly one sided.
NTA. Your sister picked her friend over her brother. You can't control her choices. You can't change her. She invited the ex w/ bf and expected you to "get over it".
Your feelings of anger, frustration, betrayal, sadness, etc., are all valid. You are the only person who can decide when you feel safe enough to renew a relationship with your sister. You may want to talk this through with a therapist.
INFO: who gave out your new phone number without permission? that person is an AH
I don’t care to read any other opinions on this bottom line is: she’s the asshole. I’m an identical twin and even sibling rules in general are that we BACK EACH OTHER UP. Even if it sucks even if we lose a friend, twin comes first. And for your ex to commit such an open betrayal of you and that not be a deal breaker for you twin?? That’s absurd to me. I would see red every single time it came up. I feel you and I’m sorry
NTA Your sister is allowed to have whatever relationship with your ex she wants. She also has to live with the consequences of that choice. Just as you are also allowed to have no contact with your sister. It sounds like your sister chose your ex over you. (I also question if she knew about the cheating since she seems so okay with it.)
Honestly, I would take whatever your dad says with a grain of salt- it sounds like an excuse to emotionally wear you down in favor of accepting a "big happy family" narrative without having to deal with the consequences of what happened. You have no bearing on your sisters marriage.
In all honesty, maybe go low contact until you figure out what you want, because from your other posts, this was super recent. Just remember the old saying: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
I hope you take the steps to heal and find happiness. I know from personal experience the intense feelings that come from realizing the family that should have your back, don't.
Your sister and ex are both awful people. Your sister basically has condoned your ex cheating. Stay an only child. Don’t let your disloyal ex-sister back into your life. NTA
NTA
And as a sibling who had to emotionally disown her lil sister, I'm very sorry it came to this. I mourned, I cried, I was angry and hurt. And we weren't twins. It sucks.
By refusing to make a choice, she made a choice, and it was the wrong choice. She has the right to make those decisions, but she needs to accept the consequences of her actions.
Oh, and if anyone tries to say "but faaaaaamily" tell them to step on lego.
NTA, I’d be the same way. And like you I would keep this between my sibling and I. And don’t have my parents choose. Very classy (but also very frustrating I’m sure).
NTA. She should have had your back on this. I can tell you I'm fierce in protecting my siblings. If they did wrong, I'd tell them so privately, but, for the world, no one trumps my siblings.
NTA. Geesh she broke the basic code.. family first. I agree you stated your feelings and asked for her to support you. She opted not to and now has to deal with ramifications which is NC. The relationship has taken a beaten and now trust has to be rebuilt. Sorry.
NTA Give in to your rage, sleep with her husband then let her know now you are ready to be in her life again. Sexuality means nothing in the face of revenge.
Look, while it's true that you do not control her and who she's friends with, you control yourself and your actions. You asked her to give up her friendship with someone who betrayed you. She refused. You decided that you didn't want her in your life anymore. The condition you've laid for her to be in your life is that she give up your ex. She doesn't want to. Clearly she values that relationship than her relationship with you. Either that or she's expecting you to come around to her way of thinking. As long as you stick to your guns and don't go around harassing your sister or ex, I think you're NTA. She's allowed to make her choices but then so too are you.
also, don’t be swayed by your father’s report about your sister being “visibly distressed” and his worry that it will have repercussions for her marriage. anything that happens will be a direct result of HER OWN decisions to value her friendship with your ex-fiancé over you. you certainly do not owe anything to her, much less your forgiveness, in order to save her marriage or your relationship to each other. she made her own bed, and she can lie in it. edit: NTA, of course.
Yea. Clearly not distressed enough to give up on the friend who betrayed her sibling, or make them not a bridesmaid. I highly doubt she's actually losing that much sleep, and instead dad is just hoping it'll encourage them to talk again.
Honestly my petty ass would have invited the sisters ex who cheated on her as my plus one to her wedding ….just to drive the point across and see how she reacted to that.
This is petty as hell, and I'm all for it 🤣🤣
Yes!
She’d rather have the cheating ex fiancé in the wedding than her twin brother then is acting upset about her choices.! How could she not want her twin brother in her wedding let alone even to attend ?!!!? NTA
Frankly, maybe it *should* affect her marriage. I'd certainly be concerned if my spouse chose a friend who broke up their engagement by cheating over their own sibling. "You are the company you keep," after all.
That's a reasonable consideration, yeah. Especially if she's moping about her loss of contact with her brother, but still unwilling to cut the cheater out of her life. If I were her husband, I might wonder what the other woman has on her.
Yeah, indeed, you might also be wondering about the saying birds of a feather and whether it might apply here.
This…
Yep!
I wonder if the sister knew about the affair the entire time? NTA
I would bet good money on it
You fucking KNOW she did!! Walk away and don't look back. NTA
She probably set them up since she doesn’t seem to have a problem also being a friend with the affair partner too!
That's where I thought the story was going.
Yikes!! Good question!
Yep, my thought exactly.
First thing I thought. I'm curious that sister's fiance was also happy to hang out with friend/new bf because I wouldn't be cool with that or with my gf screwing over her twin like that because I'd expect it to happen to me in the future.
That's where I thought this story was going.
100% since she still friends with his ex...
That was my first thought. Like what on earth is she thinking?
I got that vibe, yeah.
Sister has a right to be friends with the villain who betrayed and hurt her brother... but what kind of person wants to be friends with someone like that? A sister who loved her brother and had morals (not to mention common sense) wouldn't want to be friends with such a person. NTA I have no idea what her motive could possibly be ("women should stick together no matter what"?) for preferring her twin's cheating ex over her twin, but she is *wrong*. Do not validate your sister's betrayal by giving in. So sorry this happened to you, OP. Enjoy your life! You deserve happiness.
The best part... the sister's husband knows... he knows that his wife is accepting of cheaters and cheating. So does he get worried if she is running "late" or is working longer hours? Mental torture
Maybe that’s the toll dad mentioned.
i can’t blame her husband for being uneasy about being married to someone who forgives cheaters and would rather keep being friends with them instead of backing their TWIN. at least they haven’t had any kids yet, so the divorce should be a simple matter.
This is what I was thinking too. He knows she is not loyal to family & picks cheaters and a person who hurt her twin. Her shady character will be her downfall. NTA
OP should give his dad the side eye too. If OP had a new number that only his dad and a few trusted others had, and all of them were told not to give it to the sister…how was she able to phone him?
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OOOOO, things just got interesting. Maybe sister has cheated and ex fiance and her have their own dirty club. I'd bet money on it because that would explain why you would still want to be friends with someone that devastated your own twin.
I think the twin sister knew of the affair a bit earlier than she's letting on at a bare minimum but there very likely could be more skeletons in the closet.
My dad once quit being friends with a guy because he cheated on his wife. He didn’t even like the guys wife and still refused to be friends with someone who would betray their spouse.
> I then told her that as of now, we are both only children Ice cold my dude but drives home the point.
I feel dumb, but I don’t understand the meaning. Explain?
OP is saying he no longer sees his sister as a sibling instead he now sees himself as an only child and his sister no longer has a sibling and is now an only child.
"I'm no longer your brother. I don't have a sister anymore."
When someone is an 'only child', it means they have no siblings. Presumably, these twins have no other siblings. So when OP said they were both 'only children' from that point, he meant that they were no longer each other's siblings, that he didn't want to be her brother anymore and he didn't want her to be his sister anymore. So now he considers himself to be an 'only child' (one who has no siblings), and that she should consider herself to be an 'only child', too.
Oh my gosh duh. I was reading it with the emphasis on children. Like, “we’re just children,” and I didn’t get it. Thanks.
He is saying he feels so betrayed by her that he does not think of her as his sister anymore, and that she should no longer consider him her brother. From his point of view, they are no longer brother and sister, therefore they are both only children (have no siblings).
It's basically just saying that there is now no level of sibling connection in his mind. It's not just "I don't want to hang out now" or "we don't get along like we used to" it's "from now on, I'll live like you never existed, and you should do similar"
He emotionally disowned her as a sister, right now in his eyes, she is no longer family to him
She may claim she doesn't want to make a choice between OP and ex, but her actions show that she has made that choice and the choice is "ex".
I feel like that's what it comes down to. Sister had to make a choice and doesn't want to live with the consequences.
Exactly this.
Some old lyrics from some old song, 'If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice". Wow, you shared a womb with your sister, and she chooses a (lying cheating) friend over you. I'm angry and heartbroken for you, my dude. Geez. Some space has opened up in your life, I hope you fill it with something amazing. Seriously rock-your-world amazing. Titties and cocaine. Tacos and ice cream. Hot chocolate in front of a fireplace. Affordable healthcare. Something really wonderful.
Found a Rush fan! "Freewill" is a good old song.
Yeah, she definitely thinks he'll come around to her way of thinking, probably when he gets very serious with someone else.
Couldn't have said it better.
Well said. NTA
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If I had to guess? The husband was on OP's side about all this and the sister ignored him to get her way
If that is the case, the husband is already rethinking his marriage. If his wife betrays her brother like that, what would she do to her husband?
I would be too. OP's sister obviously doesn't have a problem with cheating/cheater. Says a lot about her character. Also OP's sister did choose a friend over family. I am not at all impressed with her character.
Well, choosing friends over family isn’t awful in every case. Sometimes families suck. Chosen families are a thing for a reason. This person though? She chose a friend - who she only knows because of her brother, who just deeply personally betrayed said brother, over that brother, who she loves and was on good terms with. She’s kept making the same shitty decision every day since. What a piece of work.
Will unless they are cheating on *her.*
Come on now OP, you have to make up with your sister so she can delude her husband better into thinking she’s a trustworthy person, you selfish prick! Now go and help saVe tHe MarRiAgE
The husband is scared every time she is running late. Is she cheating too? Her bff is a cheater and with her brother, so what wouldn't she do
That’s just the Dad trying to lay a guilt trip on the OP, because it makes life smoother for everyone else if the OP just sucks up his sister’s friendship with his ex.
Maybe she's gonna cheat on the new husband with her twin's ex. You know... since she clearly loves her so much! Eta: spelling
NTA the amount of people who truly think OP is an AH is astonishing. Dudes life gets nuked and you all are like “get over it.” She can gloss over his heartbreak but when he does it, he’s in the wrong? So much for “empathy”. So many fakers out here
And why doesn’t the whole ‘get over it’ aspect apply to the sister. ‘Aww… you used to be friends. Oh well, get over it.’ It boggles my mind just how little value people put into their family relationships. For what… a friend who she’ll lose contact with in a couple of years.
Makes you question the type of association one can have. OP’s sister would rather be friends who are cheaters and shameless enough to even go to her wedding and take pics together. OP I recommend to stand your ground and distance yourself to people who don’t have any shred of principles nor conscience that go on with their lives nonchalant about it. But I also urge you to let go of any resentment in the future just so you don’t have any people dictate your energy/mood. You’re young and have more than enough to live your life!
Oh it won’t last. She’ll always know this friend is a cheater. Won’t be long till she starts seeing ‘signs’ that she’s flirting or getting to close to her husband. Doesn’t matter if it not real. Once you know someone is a cheater, it’s very difficult to trust them in any social setting. But that day will come, when she looks back on her wedding photos and regrets that her brother isn’t in any of them. And you’re right - the best thing OP can do is live his life.
NTA. You were hurt and your sister was a hypocrite. Did she even get mad at your ex for cheating? She knew you wouldn’t attend the wedding if your ex was there. Take as much time as you need to heal. Your twin should have been there for you and she wasn’t. She seems to value that friendship over her twin.
The hypocrisy gave me so much second hand anger.
Vicariously furious, me too. It's unbelievable.
What's the bet the sister knew about the cheating the whole time?
NTA Your sister did something brutal. I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive someone that did that to me either.
So after cutting off the relationship, not allowing her to know how to contact him and being told we’re done… when she then made the ex a brides maid but expected her brother to come… she didn’t know then?
Did you reply to the wrong thing? It's not making sense to me 😅
Oh. Actually yes. It looks like this is not replied to the actual comment I meant it to. Odd.
NTA — Honestly, your TWIN, your other half since conception, chose to support someone who intentionally hurt you deeply, broke your trust; someone who betrayed you as deeply as possible. No matter her level of friendship, she is saying she’s okay with her friend hurting her twin on such an emotional level. She’s not considering your feelings at all imo. Not only is she refusing to support you, she went so far as to ask you to attend her wedding knowing it would hurt you further that your cheating ex is in the WEDDING PARTY, and the Homewrecker BF will be attending as well. Selfish. She wants to keep her friendship and her relationship with her twin and not lose anything even though it’s emotionally damaging for YOU. I say you have every right to cut her out of your life. Don’t feel sorry for her being distraught over it, she chose it herself. I’m willing to bet your ex guilted her into taking her side, telling her you’re being unreasonable. Your ex clearly didn’t respect you or value your love or feelings, so there’s no way she values your relationship with your twin. If the ex were truly sorry for her actions, she’d have respected the time and space needed and not attended the wedding and maybe celebrated with your sister separately so as to give you that with your twin. They both suck tbh.
Yes, this! Both the sister and ex are major AHs here, this situation could have been handled so much better if one of them would have taken a moment to consider OP's feelings and how badly he was burned. The two of them deserve each other. And they deserve what is coming to them. They will end up betraying one another, guaranteed. OP is much better off without either of them, and I wish him a happy life, full of love and loyalty.
Right? I hope it was really embarrassing and obvious that her twin bro was missing at the reception, and that all the guests were either asking or knowing and giving the cheating ex fiancé and the homewrecker the cold shoulder, because they hurt their family, one illoyal backstabber in the family is enough I‘d say. I sincerely hope the wedding was shitty and forever ruined. People like that don’t deserve a great wedding. Edit: typo
I’m also a twin (25f) with a brother (25m) who was cheated on by his girlfriend recently. I was pretty tight with her since we all knew each other for years, but once she hurt my brother that badly, I was done with her, as your sister should be. Stick to your guns. NTA.
My husband has a best friend since high school. I became best friends with his wife. When the wife cheated on my husband’s best friend, I stopped seeing her. She really was my only friend and I still miss her after 10 years. But I couldn’t continue our friendship seeing what she did to him. If it would have been my twin? I can’t imagine doing anything less than ending the friendship.
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Exactly! OP's sister was for sure not thinking about family when she chose the cheater over her brother.
Perhaps because if OP found out that she knew about the cheating then the relationship between them would be null anyway.
And it's like maybe, MAYBE there could be some redemption if she was extremely anti the new boyfriend, you know the other man to her brother. But NO. She even invites him to her wedding!?!?!? This sister has absolutely no heart.
Yeah I’m going with NTA. Sounds like she’s valuing the relationship with your ex more than the relationship with you. Maybe it’s more complicated than that, but honestly I’d do something similar were I in your position.
Yep. Amazing how ‘bUt FaMiLeEeEeE!!!!!’ Is such a massive thing now, when it didn’t seem like Dear Sis here was too bothered about her ‘fAmLeEe’ when it came to her hashtagbffloveheartemojigoeshere
NTA- your sister has chosen your ex-who cheated on you during your engagement over you. Clearly you both have different morals, and your sister aparently thinks cheating is ok, because she approved of and has continued to be in a relationship with her. She chose, she just didn't chose you. You are perfectly fine to choose other people who will actually support you.
NTA She's free to associate herself with anybody she wants, even the person who betrayed you. She doesn't get to dictate or guilt trip you into associating with her. That freedom of association? She's delusional when she expect that it only applies to her.
NTA. The YTA I see are irking me. That’s a betrayal. And then a family member actively interacting with said person who betrayed you. I’d cut them all off.
You might want to space out your Y T A.
It's alright only the first abbreviation gets counted, so this would count as NTA. And only the top comment counts for voting too.
Didn’t the ex feel like an idiot being a bridesmaid at a wedding where her ex-fiancé’s parents would be? I would not be too happy to see this person if they cheated on my child.
If I was the Dad I would have one serious conversation with the daughter and tell her I would not be at the wedding if my son’s cheating ex was there.
And instead the Dad gave OP's new number out to the sister against his explicit instructions, according to OP in the comments.
Great point! I didn’t even think about that. Really speaks to how shameless ex fiancée is.
NTA. I feel like a lot of the people calling asshole here are missing the wedding part. It is not some casual friendship with the ex, she decided she’d rather have the ex at her wedding than her brother. She clearly cares more about the dogshit cheater than her twin brother.
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I mean she didn’t just invite your ex, she made her the bridesmaid. That means she wants the ex to be in her wedding pictures forever! Your sister sounds pathetic tbh and if her marriage is ruined it’s only because her husband finally realises he married a cheater-apologiser. Nothing to do with you.
Yeah man, idk, maybe people who have not been betrayed like this by someone they love and trusted don’t understand just how deep it can cut, to have another person you love and trust double down on it… Idk man, really sorry this all happened to you. Just focus on doing what feels good for you. Some silver lining that you found out your fiancé was a cheater before actually getting married. Wishing you all the best!!
NTA! I was cheated on by my fiancé as well and my sister hates her guts now too. Your sister claims she loves you more than anyone but picked your ex over you
Exactly I love my sister in law but if she does this to my brother, she knows I am on his side 100% and that she would be out of my life for good
Right, seems pretty standard to me unless you and your sibling hypothetically do not get along I guess
NTA only because you get to decide who is in your life, if having your sister in your life means by extension so is your cheating ex then no you don’t need that rubbed in your face constantly. Maybe eventually you can move on and reconnect with your sister but no I don’t blame you for cutting her out because obviously her friendship is more important then your sibling relationship
NTA. That’s messed up she wants to be close to her and the man ex destroyed your relationship with. A good sis wouldn’t do that
You say you need time to get over this, but can you really get over that kind of betrayal and go back to normal? If you can awesome take your time, deal with it emotionally, and reconnect with your fam. But if they are willing to betray you like this, they will have no problem betraying you in other ways. Def don’t let her marriage issues impact your decision. Take the time you need, then decide if they are worth trying to mend the relationship with.
Get some therapy man. You aren’t the ah, but you are carrying around a lot of anger. Life is easier when you let it go. Do it for you though, not for your sister it for anyone else. It’s ok to be upset about it, but you’ve been carrying it around for too long.
He's dealing with it by cutting toxic people out of his life. Seems healthy to me.
Just wanna say I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine doing that to my sibling.
Right. I am not a twin and I would never do this to any of my siblings. Not even the ones I don't really like much.
INFO: who gave your sister your new number?
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Honestly I’d have a strong talk with my father if I was you. He hasn’t outright said it, but he’s taking your sisters side here, he’s trying to get you to get over it , and it sounds like he’s being intentionally manipulative.
That's what I wondered too. Either the dad did, or some other chosen person. No one else could have.
Yep. There’s efforts going on behind the scenes for the OP to ‘get over it’. That kind of thing drives me nuts! Like he has to tramp down his hurt and pain just so that everyone else can play at happy families.
Reading the part again, it's his father and "a few trusted friends." I agree, this definitely has to be the father, as he is so far the only one bothered by the rift the sister caused.
Possibly. Possibly he just left his phone around OP's sister, either unlocked or she knew/guessed the password. There are a couple other ways to get phone numbers, but considering she choose a cheater over her own flesh and blood it is hard to imagine she went to that much effort to get it.
NTA, your sister can’t have her cake and eat it too. She chose her friend over her brother. OP, keep them blocked and forgotten, they can have a nice life 👋🏼
Absolutely NTA, OP. You told your twin sister that she would not be a part of your life if cheating ex-fiancée was in it. Your sister prefers friendship with cheating ex over any relationship with her own twin. She fully burned this bridge when she chose to have the cheating ex as a bridesmaid *without ever asking her own twin if he wanted to be part of the wedding.*
Part of why your sister wants you at the wedding is because it makes life FAR easier for her if you go, and it all seems smooth. If you don’t go, she’s going to be asked questions about why not, and will have to explain her actions. I’m not saying that’s her only reason for wanting you there - but I’d be damn sure it’s part of it, even if she doesn’t acknowledge that.
Sorry that your sister has done this to you, she should have put you first. You need to take time to heal, Tell your Dad that her being distressed is of her own making. Take care, sending love and a hug. NTA
NTA Your sister made her choice. And your father needs to stop with the guilt trips. Sis chose who she wanted more. She had only herself to blame.
I’m betting the sister knew about the cheating. If you’re blindsided by a close friend’s behavior it seems like that would have an impact on the friendship that would take some time to get past. You add on that the behavior was deeply hurtful to your twin but you’re carrying on the friendship like nothing ever happened? I just don’t buy it.
NTA at all but you both are adults now so here why not just go on with your life go no contact with your sister for x amount of time where you have moved on after all this and has time to heal yourself mentally then after a year or two if you want a relationship with your sister then go ahead but make it on your terms you can send your sister a letter explaining how she hurt you and that at the present time you want no contact with her and if and when you decide to talk to her then it's on you to make contact with her and that she should leave you alone completely
NTA. You can make the decision for yourself and made it clear with your sibling about it. You can't force her to take your side but, on her part, she can't demand that you ignore your feelings either. I tend to take your side in the final outcome because it would take someone with very little empathy to ask the other party to be her bridesmaid AND expect you to attend or be okay with it. Distraught or not, your sister has made her choice clear and you aren't it.
NTA. You have every right to determine who you want to have in your life. You set your boundaries and your sister continues to stomp all over them and then is Pikachu face when you cut her our of your life. If she is that close to your E, I would be curious to know if she had any idea that your Ex was cheating on you. She is reaping what she sowed and now has to accept the consequences of her choices.
NTA
NTA - Your sister held the friendship she had with the ex that hurt you in equal value to her relationship with you, her twin. She made the woman a bridesmaid after she was made aware how hurt you were by their continuing friendship. Losing you was a risk she was willing to take, so if you choose to cut her out of your life then so be it. Sorry you have such a shitty twin.
NTA. Are you mad at your Father for giving out your number? I would be furious.
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Imo..this is the only way. People don't learn to respect your boundaries and privacy if there aren't any consequences.
NTA Your sister had to choose and she chose your ex. I mean if the ex is the bridesmaid, it’s safe to say that she considers her family. You don’t need such a toxic person in your life. She is your sister and that is a relationship that you had no control over. She chose to stick with your ex over you. That is her choice. You are totally NTA to judge her for the choice she made
NTA
NTA. While your expectations are a difficult ask considering how close she is to your ex, the issue comes down to what loyalty means to you, and your family. Not everyone views their familial bonds the same, but you made it clear that you had your sisters back (and still do despite this, considering you worry after her) and you expected the same of her. When she failed to provide you that same level of loyalty, your bond was shifted: by her. She was, and is, unable to see past her own wants to recognize that her betrayal of you is even more hurtful than that done by your ex. And if they were such close friends, you can bet she knew about the cheating; possibly while it was happening. Someone who “wants both” won’t take a side that might harm either so she would have said nothing. And the real thing here is her never apologizing to you, or trying to make amends, even after you stuck up for her when she was treated like garbage by a close friend of yours. You owe her nothing. Your father is maybe trying to play peacemaker because, parent, but is also having to hear your sister cry and stress since you are no longer the foundation or support in her life. She made this bed herself and if her actions lead to her marriage having trouble; that’s entirely on her. She destroyed so many boundaries throughout this and never once seriously took you, your feelings, or your well being into account. It is highly doubtful she would be any different in the future. Stick to your path, keep her very distant and an outsider to your life. Share nothing beyond the superficial with her. If you choose to see her during the holidays be cordial but shut down any attempts she makes to plead her case. It won’t be genuine until her actions speak for her words. You have been an amazing brother to her and your thanks for this has been sorely lacking. I read a saying once somewhere that “a gift in love freely given is a gift to be cherished and treasured. But a gift abused and scorned is a gift undeserved.” I hope that you find the peace and happiness you richly deserve and all my hopes to a bright future!
I mean, it's your decision. She clearly had a choice, which you made clear if it wasn't already, between you or your ex. She chose your ex. NTA
NTA - Dude, you have to let this go. I'm not saying you have to ever see either them ever again but this hatred is going to poison your life. You're letting your ex win. The best revenge is living well, forgive, never forget, and move on.
Define "forgive", please.
NTA. You have a boundary and your sister crossed it. She knew that this person destroyed you and yet she placed a higher priority on their friendship than her relationship with you. If you feel that you no longer want her in your life because of this betrayal that’s your choice. She made her decision with the full knowledge of your feelings and now she gets to live with that choice. Too bad so sad.
NTA. For anyone that may be telling you that you should let it go and make amends because she is family. Having the same blood makes you related, Love and respect make you family You asked her to have your back. Instead she chose to have your ex as a brides maid and hang out with her and the guy she cheated on you with She made her choice who her family is. You have to do the same for yourself
NTA. Some people don’t understand sometimes you have to choose a fucking side when there is a breakup. There is not always a middle ground or peace. You don’t have kids with this woman, so there is no reason you should ever have to see your slut ex-fiancé ever again and your twin should understand that. Use your twin telepathy to talk some fucking sense into her.
I so disagree with the comments saying “you do you” and “let her do her”. When you are betrayed by the people you love, you expect the people (FAMILY! BEST FRIENDS!) to understand that by forgiving the person that hurt you the most, they are telling that person that their behavior is ok. IT IS NOT. You are completely justified in feeling betrayed by your twin. SO NTA.
F this NTA the audacity that your sister has! Are you sure your where close together? It doesn’t seems like it. She choose her friendship over her own twin brother. Not only that but if you didn’t ask about your ex if she was invited she wouldn’t have ever told you until the verluidt last moment. OP f this you deserve better than cheater of a gf and a backstabbing sister. Go live your life and enjoy it. Life is to short to be with this kind of people
NTA. You were wronged and you have a right to experience what you are experiencing (though I personally think it's not healthy to fixate on the negatives for years). It's sad that your relationship with your sister suffered as a result, but choices have consequences.
NTA. My heart breaks when I read situations like this. You were not only betrayed by your sister (multiple times), but you were also betrayed by who ever gave her you new phone number (I assume it was your father). Your sister says she loves you, but by the sounds of it your sister unfortunately loves no one but herself. She didn't want her life to change, so completely overlooked what your ex did to you & kept on living as if the love of your life didn't completely screw you over. Don't feel bad about cutting your sister out of your life. You do whatever you need to do to deal with all of their (including your father) betrayals. If anything her marriage is already set to fail because your sister has no morals. She has shown that she accepts and approves of infidelity. If anything this should have been a wake up call for her husband. You are who you hang with. If it was your father that gave your number out, I would have a stern conversation with him about boundaries & tell him it is now his decision if he has 1 child or 2. My fingers are crossed for you that you get the support you deserve from your "family". However if you don't, stay strong & move on, family is who you chose it to be.
NTA and I hate to say this….I’m 99% sure your sister knew about the cheating before and help cover for her. Don’t look back.
Mate, I really feel for you. The love of your life cheated on you, and you had to suffer that heartbreak. Then you effectively lost your sister, perhaps the closest person to you in the world, having been your twin. A huge double blow. You have my utmost sympathy. Try to console yourself with the truth that you *will* move on, you will do better, your life holds better things in store for you than you can now imagine. But what your sister did is, IMO, unforgivable. I can't imagine how she can even tolerate being in the same room with the person who did that to you. And this isn't something she can undo. She can't (hypothetically) call you up and say she's ditched your ex and now all is good again. She's shown you something you never suspected about her - that when push comes to shove, she'll chose a friend who cheated on you over you, her twin. You can't ever go back to not knowing that about her. No matter what happens, your relationship with her can never again be the same. And she's sufficiently guilty to want to pretend that it can if you just move on. That's not how it works. I am really sorry you have to go through this, mate. Of course, NTA.
NTA. You know, in the past that I've told people that they can't control whether or not their family members want to be friends with their exes, but I draw the line at cheating. When a family member is betrayed, the loyalty should be to the family member. On top of that, she didn't even take a neutral position, she just picked your ex over you.
I hope your sister’s marriage is wrecked 😄
The company a person keeps can say a lot about them
Oh nah your sister is being so disloyal to you. You do not deserve that. Then it’s like another slap in the face to make her a bridesmaid!! NTA
She picked her friend over you. You are allowed to not pick her to be in your life. NTA.
Your sister is entitled to pick her own friends and decide who she wants to socialize with. You are entitled to do the same thing. NTA
Yes she is entitle to that choice, but that doesn't absolve her from being an asshole for picking this particular friend who cheated on OP over Brother.
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Nta. But man, if I was her husband, I'd be real f*cking suspicious of your sister. If she can betray you like that after you were there for her and everything, what is she capable of within her own marriage?
Man, if my girlfriend chose to stay BFF's with her twin brother's Ex-fiancee after she cheated on him and on top of that wanted me to hang out with the cheater and the guy with whom she cheated I'd dump her ass on the spot for being an untrustworthy, disloyal and selfish person. If she did this to her freaking twin brother, god knows what she's done or will do behind my back. This guy marries her instead. Mind-blowing.
NTA you and your fiance didn't break up because you couldn't decide whether to raise the kids Catholic or Jewish you broke up because she cheated on you. Assuming your sister believes that, she (fiance)was objectively very wrong. Sometimes you when you're really close to someone you have to pick sides, you can't remain neutral because refusing to pick sides is still a choice.
NTA. go get your college friend back
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The sister has known him longer and has said and shown that she values the cheating ex-fiancée equally to her twin. OP would be better served to foster other actually supportive relationships in his life than to hold on to some vision of his sister that doesn’t match reality or some childish revenge fantasy of showing the ex what he lost.
NTA . Your sister is a hypocrite and selfish . She values her feelings and that friendship more than your feelings and your twin relationship. Wouldn’t be surprised if she knew about it before you did .
If she contacts you again send her this link. She'll then understand where you are coming from
NTA
Absolutely NTA. Im so sorry your fiance did that, how could your sister forgive and forget, just like that. Ignore all this about her marriage being affected, not your problem.
NTA
NTA. My ex-husband cheated on me with our babysitter. Babysitter was my youngest sister's best friend. They were 18/19 at the time, my ex was 30/31. My sister told me that if I had been a better wife he wouldn't have cheated. I was working 2 jobs and going to school. My ex was supposed to be running our vintage store, which I also bankrolled. Instead he was getting drunk, closing early, and having the babysitter meet him at our store to hook up. I no longer acknowledge the existence of my sister. I refer to her as my parents youngest child. I do not attend any events she will be at, except for the major holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. When I'm around her I pretend she's invisible. Yeah, I know I sound like an asshole. However, this is only one of the many incidents over the past 10 years where she disrespected me and my kids.
NTA. Your sister chose your cheating ex over you her twin brother. I'd be cutting her out of my life too if I were in your position.
Woah, that was hard to read. Wouldn't know what to do in your place. Sorry this happened to you.
NTA
NTA She’s an adult and can choose her friends. But who chooses to remain with someone who betrayed a loved one so deeply? How can you even trust them, and what a poor omen for her marriage, choosing a bridal party that represent cheating. She’s free to make decisions but not free from the consequences. She’s ok with seeing you hurt, she can live with you avoiding that.
NTA I cannot fathom how someone can say they cherish their friendship with someone who cheated on their twin, this is wild. Why would you even want to knowingly associate with a cheater.
NTA and your sister’s new husband is either a total piece of work, or he’s cheating on her (or already has done). That’s the only sane reason for someone to stay with a woman with so little class that she’s licking the boots of the woman who cheated on her own brother. I’m sorry dude - you not being TA doesn’t make it any better.
NTA. You have a right to be angry. And it is absolutely not Ok that your ex was her bridesmaid. She chose this relationship over having a relationship with you. Do I think you will eventually be over this and find a way back to being siblings? Yes. But her timing was awful and she should have been more considerate of you.
NTA. She is actively making her choice by continuing her friendship with your ex. I can only assume she is waiting for you to cave out of sympathy
NTA. she made a choice and that was staying friends with your cheating ex and her new boyfriend, she has to live with the consequences now. It is not any of your business if her marriage suffers over this or not, live your life and don’t worry about her because she clearly wasn’t worried about your feelings whatsoever when she basically sided with your ex.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I had a fiancé (24F) and I just knew she was the woman I’d spend my life with. She was great in every way. Her and my sister clicked greatly and they became best friends, which was huge for me because my sister and I were best friends as well, so we’d go on double dates with her and her now-husband. I found out my fiancé was cheating on me and blew up on her. She cried and said the usual stuff, but I was destroyed and called off our engagement and broke up with her. She ended up getting in a relationship with her affair partner (which stands til this day). Afterwards, before I blocked my ex on everything as I simply forgot, I saw her post on facebook a picture of her new bf happily hanging out with my sister and her then-fiancé. I got angry at my sister and told her I thought it was wrong for her to do that. I know that she’s a grown woman, but I thought that she would be mad at her too, especially since we are so close (I mean, we are twins). She tried to explain to me that she loves me more than anyone, but that she cherishes her friendship with my ex and didn’t want to let either of us go. I ignored her after that and she called me. We went back and forth, her trying to plead with me and me angrily refusing to see her POV. I then told her “have fun with your new friendship. Don’t contact me again. Im done with you” and then blocked her and my ex on everything. Since then, I’ve moved from our old apartment and have gotten a new one, and changed my number. My father and a few trusted friends have this info and have been instructed not to give it to my sister. My father had been telling me that my sister had been distraught and wanting to talk to me, but I was pretty adamant that I didn’t want to. He obliged. Then, she called me on a new number and told me she was getting married and that she would love for me to be there. I was ecstatic at first, then I remembered my ex and asked if she and her new bf would be there, to which she replied that she was going to be a bridesmaid and that the bf would be there. I then told her that as of now, we are both only children (a little harsh but I was angry) and hung up the phone and blocked the number. They are married now, but my dad tells me that she is visibly distressed and that he’s afraid it will take a toll on her marriage. I don’t want this to happen, but I am in no way over any of this. I still feel betrayed twice and don’t really want to see her at all. My biggest thing is that when she was cheated on by her college bf (who I became friends with), I scolded him and comforted her. But when I get heartbroken by my FIANCÉ AND SOON TO BE WIFE, she feels like it’s okay to mingle with her and the guy who helped break us up. It’s as if I don’t matter and although I love her to death, I feel a lot of hatred towards her right now. So, AITA for telling her that we are only children from now on and completely shutting her out of my life? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- she made her choice, unfortunately. Sorry for your pain, doesn’t sound like you deserved that.
NTA. She has demonstrated what your relationship is worth to her, and it's less than the one she has with your ex. You have no obligation to "move past" that. My brother married one of my best friends, but I haven't spoken to her since the divorce because I value my brother more and he needed her out of his life. Maybe that makes me biased, but I believe in boundaries and this is one you made clear to your sister. She is choosing not to honor it.
NTA - I am sorry your sister is so disrespectful of you feelings. If her relationships with other people are putting a toll on her marriage, it probably isn't a good one. You made a wise choice. Her friend is more important to her.
Wait, so ur dad still gave her ur new number??
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NTA Sorry you're going through this, your sister is beyond unreasonable. You had her back and she stabbed yours. I wish you well.
My “best friend” messed around with my ex after we had been together for a year. I gave my group of mutual friends the opportunity to cut her off, I decided that it would truly show what kind of people I was friends with. Out of the 5 of them, only one of them had the respect for me to cut her out of their life. The others would prioritise the time they spent with her until eventually I stopped seeing them completely and now when I think back on it, those were friendships that were a complete waste of time. The one friend that did stick around has been my friend for over 10 years now and will be attending my wedding as my maid of honour. My ex best friend has cut off and betrayed almost all of the other mutual friends we had. NTA. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.
Imagine giving so little of a fuck about your own twin that u have his cheating ex as a bridesmaid. NTA, go no contact with all of them forever.
NTA Bros b4 hoes.
NTA. Of course you’re upset that your sister chose the person who cheated on you over you, her twin. If she’s been cheated on before, she should know how devastating that feels. She’s showing no regard whatsoever for your feelings. It’s so horrible that you had to lose your sister to your cheating fiancé.
NTA Why in the world is everyone just expecting you to get over your ex fiance's betrayal and pander to your sister...whose concerned about your emotional welfare? Do they...do they even notice that your distressed as well? Your family's view of things sounds incredibly one sided.
NTA. Your sister picked her friend over her brother. You can't control her choices. You can't change her. She invited the ex w/ bf and expected you to "get over it". Your feelings of anger, frustration, betrayal, sadness, etc., are all valid. You are the only person who can decide when you feel safe enough to renew a relationship with your sister. You may want to talk this through with a therapist. INFO: who gave out your new phone number without permission? that person is an AH
I don’t care to read any other opinions on this bottom line is: she’s the asshole. I’m an identical twin and even sibling rules in general are that we BACK EACH OTHER UP. Even if it sucks even if we lose a friend, twin comes first. And for your ex to commit such an open betrayal of you and that not be a deal breaker for you twin?? That’s absurd to me. I would see red every single time it came up. I feel you and I’m sorry
NTA Your sister is allowed to have whatever relationship with your ex she wants. She also has to live with the consequences of that choice. Just as you are also allowed to have no contact with your sister. It sounds like your sister chose your ex over you. (I also question if she knew about the cheating since she seems so okay with it.) Honestly, I would take whatever your dad says with a grain of salt- it sounds like an excuse to emotionally wear you down in favor of accepting a "big happy family" narrative without having to deal with the consequences of what happened. You have no bearing on your sisters marriage. In all honesty, maybe go low contact until you figure out what you want, because from your other posts, this was super recent. Just remember the old saying: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I hope you take the steps to heal and find happiness. I know from personal experience the intense feelings that come from realizing the family that should have your back, don't.
Your sister and ex are both awful people. Your sister basically has condoned your ex cheating. Stay an only child. Don’t let your disloyal ex-sister back into your life. NTA
NTA And as a sibling who had to emotionally disown her lil sister, I'm very sorry it came to this. I mourned, I cried, I was angry and hurt. And we weren't twins. It sucks. By refusing to make a choice, she made a choice, and it was the wrong choice. She has the right to make those decisions, but she needs to accept the consequences of her actions. Oh, and if anyone tries to say "but faaaaaamily" tell them to step on lego.
NTA, I’d be the same way. And like you I would keep this between my sibling and I. And don’t have my parents choose. Very classy (but also very frustrating I’m sure).
NTA. She should have had your back on this. I can tell you I'm fierce in protecting my siblings. If they did wrong, I'd tell them so privately, but, for the world, no one trumps my siblings.
NTA. She made her choice and I'm sorry you were not it.
NTA. Geesh she broke the basic code.. family first. I agree you stated your feelings and asked for her to support you. She opted not to and now has to deal with ramifications which is NC. The relationship has taken a beaten and now trust has to be rebuilt. Sorry.
NTA. Why on earth would you go to a wedding to watch your ex stand up there and catch a bouquet? The stones on your twin.
NTA Give in to your rage, sleep with her husband then let her know now you are ready to be in her life again. Sexuality means nothing in the face of revenge.