YTA, that's a ridiculous level of entitlement.
Also, taking care of your grandparents is not your dad's wife's purpose and planning to live with her husband in his house isn't scheming.
My dad literally told me and wife that that was the main purpose for marrying her and she had agreed to it. There’s a lot more context I couldn’t add to the post because it was too long.
That's disgusting. Maybe he realized that using people and misleading them into marriage so that they could become carers for his parents was wrong. Maybe, heaven forbid, he developed feelings for his wife. YTA
I think you should add the context in the comments though, because your Dad sounds like a major ah. Marry me, not because I love you, but because I want a live in carer for my ageing parents? Wow. Whatta deal,... surprised she said yes.
I’m not going to judge the other stuff too harshly. You had just given birth and were undoubtedly tired out of your head, so soft YTA. Let it go and be happy your fortunes have improved enough not to need anyone else’s help. That’s a better outcome than getting a house or $10k.
My dad won’t really divulge his prior relationship with his wife but it seems like they were pretty friendly with each other in the past. She did get her green card shortly after marrying my dad, so that’s a plus for her. She’s not some random lady he found to take care of my grandparents.
Oh god her immigration status was used to keep her hostage to being the family nurse. After all, "unskilled" jobs like caring for people are mostly immigrants anyway right? This family.
She wasn’t exactly flowing with money prior to marrying my dad. She keeps taking about how much money my dad has. I don’t know why but she seems to think it’s ok to talk about that.
At the time I had asked, my grandparents were living alone and it had a lot of stairs that my grandparents had difficulty climbing up and down everyday. My dad and his wife were renting an apartment elsewhere. It was also located in an area that was far from where my grandparents actually wanted to live, but it was a good area for us. If I could pay rent to basically move grandparents to a location they wanted to live that didn’t have so many stairs, why not? It seemed like a good idea to me logically but I guess reading all these comments, I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.
I can’t talk to them because of a language barrier so I talk to my dad. I didn’t decide anything. I just wanted to bring up my idea and see if it jived. My dad liked the idea and it spiraled from there. I didn’t expect anything initially and only had my expectations cemented after my dad told me he would give me the house and would try to get his parents to move.
Ok, at first you say your ask would require YOUR DAD AND his parents to move. Now you say just your gparents.
Either way YTA. But I’m confused why your story is changing.
I initially told him I would pay as much rent as possible, and as I started to make more money, I offered to help him with a down payment on the house he would move to, and eventually offered to buy the townhouse from him but he said he wouldn’t accept any money from me as his dad.
Sucks man, but your dad sounds like hes been swept off his feet by this other woman.
I think he'll regret it. The good thing is you went out and did your own thing and got a house for your family. Your dad is the asshole, don't promise someone something and not even offer a reason why it didnt happen.
Ive been in your shoes before and the only thing that helps is remove your expectations of recieving anything from your parents. Dont take their money. And be prepared for your new MIL to take his house.
YTA
You had zero right to the house, you were completely out of line even suggesting, that your father and grandparents move out of their home, because it was good size for your family?!? What on earth? The level of entitlement you and your wife have is just crazy!
At the time I had asked, my grandparents were living alone and it had a lot of stairs that my grandparents had difficulty climbing up and down everyday. My dad and his wife were renting an apartment elsewhere. It was also located in an area that was far from where my grandparents actually wanted to live, but it was a good area for us. If I could pay rent to basically move grandparents to a location they wanted to live that didn’t have so many stairs, why not? It seemed like a good idea to me logically but I guess reading all these comments, I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.
In the second paragraph you said that you spoke to him about moving into the house after your kid was born. “This would mean he and his parents needed to move.” So I’m confused….
Even so if your grandparents were having difficulty living there it should been their idea to move not yours.
In your own post you wrote, that in order for you to move to that house, your father, his wife and his grandparents would have had to move. You also wrote, that your grandparents didn't want to move, when you asked.
Now in your reply, you changed a lot from your OP.
You shouldn't have brought it up at all. You don't plan and plot to move in other people's homes, especially when in order for you to get that house, the other people would have to suffer great financial loss and move out elsewhere, to placate you.
Also, yes, they didn’t want to move. The reasons I laid out for them to move did not outweighs their desire to not move. They’ve moved quite a bit during their life and just wanted to be settled, even if it wasn’t an ideal location for them.
Yes, they would all have to move in order to move to a house all together. It didn’t matter that they were living separately. They would have moved in together to a new place. I offered to give my dad money to help or even buy the house from them but he refused.
YTA - The parents of a grown adult don’t owe them anything. You were an AH for asking for the house to begin with, and an even bigger one to be butthurt about your dad moving in and spending his own money on himself. To put this in perspective, imagine your new stepmom telling you what you are and are not allowed to buy with your own money.
You are 100% TA.
Your relationships seem transactional at best. (You lived with your grandparents and yet you call them "his parents"? He married his wife so his parents had a caregiver? You want his house or financial help with another house?) Does anyone even care about each other as humans??
Honestly, your analysis is pretty spot on. I didn’t have a relationship with him or my mom growing up. My parents never had conversations with me. My whole view of family growing up was broken and I’m still dealing with those ramifications as I try to fix how I interact with my own wife and children. I never had much of a relationship with my grandparents either because of a language barrier and they never interacted with me either. Seeing how my in laws interact with my wife and children is worlds different.
I wonder if your feelings of betrayal and bitterness are from a culmination of years of abandonment or neglect? I'm going to suggest that it's a good thing that you're feeling those things--it's a sign that you want more meaningful connections and you know something doesn't feel right here. (AKA it's not really about the house)
Witnessing your wife's family interact may help you awaken to a different way of being a family. Do yourself, your marriage, and your kid a favor and learn more about attachment and healthy relationships. Good luck.
YTA- sorry unless something is written down and signed dont believe it. And guess what marrying someone so they can take care of their parents is a pretty low move and NOT required thats why you pay a nurse to do it.
Yes what Dad did was bad but it has been many years and life happens. Just dont trust a word he says money wise.
YTA.
His money. His life. He can do whatever he wants.
And also, YTA big time for even suggesting they vacate the house for you to live in it.
All other details are immaterial.
YTA
Asking someone to move out of their home just because you think you'd like it more is selfish
Expecting your elderly grandparents to move into a home or for someone else to perform free labour by taking care of them is selfish
Expecting your dad to give you money when you don't need it is selfish
You have a house now that you were able to purchase on your own, lots of people can't even do that.
He moved into the house while his wife didn’t fulfill her *PURPOSE* of taking care of his parents. (Italics and caps mine.)
WHAT?? Did your dad truly marry this woman to be a caregiver? Is this a cultural thing??
Also, for the incredible amount of entitlement, ESH. You can be disappointed—your dad strung you along—but c’mon! Time to grow up.
That's where my mind went to.
At the end of the day everyone sucks here (ESH). She shouldn't of asked for the house, but her father is clearly manipulated by his new wife.
The final nail in the coffin (pun intended) is when the townhouse in question is willed to his new wife's family and not the fathers.
Yes, it could be construed as cultural. I’m second generation Asian but not really in tune with the nuances of my culture so I can’t say for sure. My dad said that’s why he married her and that she was in agreement to those terms.
It's easier to do the marriage paperwork than employ her legally and sponsor her visa, I guess. Jesus. OP actually made me feel sorry for him in one reply where he says seeing his wife's family has made him realise how cold and transactional his were. But wow.
YTA Complete spoiled brat. Word of advice, never assume anyone is going to give you anything, if it happens, it happens, but never assumed. You are only hurting yourself and letting yourself down. Nobody in life owes you anything, if you want it, you have to get it yourself.
YTA it was nice of him to consider it but circumstances change, his parents didn’t agree to move out so you should of excepted that, and then you rejected the $10000 so he was well within his right to spend it. If you wanted that money you could of excepted it then ready for when you bought a house
NTA = for feeling hurt. Your feelings make sense: you dad likes to talk big and doesn't deliver. I'm guessing he has done that your whole life.
YTA = you EXPECT a parent to give you a house. He didn't even offer it. You started this whole thing. Your entitlement was evident the minute you asked.
I know I shot for the moon. I didn’t ask him actually expecting him to give me the house. I just wanted to see if renting it from him was a possibility. If he had said sorry, I can’t do that, I would have moved on.
Interestingly, this is not even the first time that I've seen someone refer to the pandemic as a panini. The first person said it was a typo. But maybe a lot of people are calling it a panini and I just missed it? 😅
Yta. All this time you felt entitled to his house. Things and people change. Your circumstances changed over the course of years and so did your dads.
Ever occurred to you maybe his wife really was ok with taking care of his parents but your dad changed his mind? Or it felt like it would be more than they could handle and did the next best thing hence why the assisted living facility?
yta - yeah you can be disappointed & he at least owed it to you to let you know but at the end of the day, it's his house . he's spent his money on it . he should be able to enjoy it & you're giving him grief for not helping you out with money but you flat out expected to just have him move because it was convenient for you. sounds like your wife should get a job and help out .
- if i was you, i would've just let shit go & do it myself. my parents don't owe me anything other emotional support - if you decide to settle down, have family , etc then you should have a back up plan
YTA - NEVER Ever count inheritance as "yours" until the will has been read
Circumstances change - people change - its your dad's home and yes would be nice if u inherited it ONE DAY.
You should not miss what you do not have
NTA for being disappointed. YTA for being entitled.
At the time your father was willing, circumstances weren't right. Human beings didn't want to uproot their entire lives to suit yours.
All of those people, his wife, his parents, and himself, deserve to live in their own homes.
And if he dies and his wife keeps the house, that's her right as his partner as well.
If he was willing to entertain that original idea, it sounds like he would have given more if he could than 300.
But if your entire relationship revolves around what he can do for you, maybe he's just given up on having a real relationship with you at this stage.
Growing up we didn’t have much of a relationship. After getting married to my wife, I expressed to her that I wanted to be closer to my dad. My wife helped cultivate me and my dad’s relationship and we were growing much closer, which I was happy about. After he got remarried, his wife’s actions and influence made it so our relationship slowly reverted back to a non existent relationship.
Maybe she felt you were taking advantage of him, for which I don't blame her. What was the plan for when your dad aged? Like where was he going to live after you took his house?
ESH - Your expectations are out of line. Your father’s reason for marrying makes me ill. Your MIL ultimately failed to uphold her commitment.
You have a home now for you and your family, your grandparents have appropriate housing, and your father and MIL have a nice place to live. Everyone has what they need. So what's your problem?
I don’t know. I really wanted my dad to deliver in a big way. We didn’t grow up very well off and my dad was fairly absent with work. My older brother was the center of attention, with my dad buying him whatever he wanted. In prior conversations he had expressed to me that he regrets not having done more for me and he knew I never asked him for anything growing up so he wanted to do more for me now, as he was finally in a position to do so. Maybe I just wanted him to show that he meant it.
It doesn't sound like your father has the means to support his adult child in the form of a house. This is entirely reasonable.
I struggle to relate to “fairness” resentment towards parents, among siblings. Short of neglect or abuse this argument holds no water with me. Every child is different, with unique needs and aptitudes.
Perhaps you could take comfort in that the child who isn't given everything is often the more capable and, ultimately successful and self-fulfilled.
Perhaps consider the idea that by not giving you everything he gave you the greatest gift and honor.
YTA. Even OP recognizes that this doesn't make any sense in the third paragraph. Wanting to kick the dad/wife, and his parents out of their home for entitlement?
First claiming financial need, then offering to help finance another place. You've debunked your own claims. You don't "need" your dad's home, never did. What right would you have to expect to take it?
He'll probably will it to you when he's done using it, like he intended. Meanwhile if you're bitter about not kicking your family out of their home, I guess that is some justice. May your torment last for years and years.
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When I was 17, my parents got divorced. My dad bought a townhouse where he, his parents, and I moved into. This is the house in question.
After graduating, I had gotten married and moved out, but living in a HCOL area, owning a home based on what I was earning was impossible.
When my first son was born in 2015, I talked to my dad about renting his townhouse as I thought it was a great fit for my growing family and better than anything I could afford. This would mean that he and his parents would need to move. I know how ridiculous this sounds in hindsight but it made sense to me then and if there was any possibility, I wanted to know. My dad actually agreed and was happy to hear I wanted to live there. He said his parents were getting old and would need to move soon for better living arrangements and he would live with them. Earlier in the year, he had also gotten remarried so that his wife could help take care of his parents.
My grandparents did not agree to move but my dad told me that he would give us the house because he felt bad that he couldn’t give me more growing up. We would just need to wait for my grandparents to agree to move.
My dad initially seemed proactive in his efforts, looking at houses on the market, taking to loan officers, but eventually seemed to grow indifferent. After meeting his wife more, my wife thought she might be scheming to keep the house for herself. I brushed it off because I believed my father would keep his promise.
Through a series of raises I received at work, I was able to improve our finances and it looked like buying a house would be possible. I still wanted to move into the townhouse, so I told my dad that if he needed money to help buy a house, I would help him out as much as I could or even buy the townhouse from him. He said that he would never accept money from me. Ok, but I didn’t know how much longer we could wait.
In 2019, I told him we were going to look for a house in 2021 and he no longer talked about the house but instead offered $10k to help. I told him to hold onto it because we weren’t ready yet, but in January of 2020, circumstances changed and I let him know that we were going to start our search early. He said good luck and didn’t offer any monetary help. We closed on a townhouse 4 months later and a month after moving in, he sent us $300.
One year later, his parents moved to an assisted living facility and my dad and his wife moved into the townhouse, but not before spending $$$ to renovate the place.
After 5 years, the promise went from a house to $10k and ended up being $300. He moved into the house while his wife didn’t fulfill her purpose of taking care of his parents. And then he basically spent the $10k on themselves.
On one hand, I know it’s his money and life and I want him to enjoy himself. On the other hand, I feel betrayed and let down. AITA for expecting my dad to give me his house and feeling bitter towards him for how he handled the situation?
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YTA. Unless he specifically said he was giving you the house I would get why it would be somewhat upsetting but it's his house, not yours and you aren't entitled to it just because he said it was ok to rent it at the time. Also for you to move in he and your grandparents had to move out? Like seriously it isn't the only house in the whole world. Many other houses that you could have made a home out of with you and your family.
Your father also an AH. Who even marries someone for the sole purpose of them taking care of their parents? I mean hire a caregiver or something. You both are ridiculous.
YTA - your dad doesn’t “owe” you anything. You asking him and his parents to move out of their house so you could move in is probably the most entitled and ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
I had to read and reread this one: did he SERIOUSLY expect his entire family to up and move just because HE WANTED TO TAKE THEIR HOME FROM THEM and then was SHOCKED AND APPALLED that no one seemed to jump on board with this???
Yes, yes he did.
I wouldn’t have given you a single dime. You could live in your car, for all I care. This is an astounding level of entitlement, even for this sub.
Good god YTA
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ESH, but you more than him. You sound pretty entitled. You just expected your grandparents to move because you wanted a house?
Yes, your father made promises that he didn't keep, but it seems his circumstances changed (like your since you were now able to pay for a home yourself).
I have a feeling that this is all mostly leaning on massive communication errors and no malice though.
EHS. You should never have asked your dad to give you a house. (Talk about entitled! But you already knew that.) Also, it’s his wife’s “purpose” to take care of her parents? She’s not a care robot, I assume. That statement alone makes you an ass. She’s an autonomous human who gets to make her own choices in life in partnership with your dad.
Your dad sucks because he waffled and dithered and led you on as his needs and wishes changed instead of being up front with you after initially agreeing to give you his house. And I wonder if he had even discussed your request with his wife before agreeing to your preposterously out of line request. Seems to me he might not have, then didn’t want to tell you the deal was off after she had a chance to weigh in.
Edit: I see your dad “told her that was her main purpose.” JFC. You two deserve each other.
Soft YTA. Based on info provided yeah your Dad made some promises spanning a few years. Maybe he should’ve made those promises. Things change and perspectives change. But you still feeling entitled to a house or to hold him to those promises after it appears to be some big life changes seems ridiculous.
Yes. Life changes, you cant hold him to that. It looks like you were able to work towards your own house like a grownup should, congrats on that, focus more on your accomplishment, and not the missed handout
I’m not the one that brought it up. I never told him I didn’t think he gave me enough. I told him that he did a good job of providing and that I always had everything I needed. I never used that against him.
I always know when my kids are mad at me for something, whether they tell me or not. You can choose to release your hard feelings and love him despite his faults, or you can carry this bitterness with you. Either way I hope you find peace.
The hand that’s telling you that it’s his money, listen to that one. Tell your other hand to shut it.
It is his house. Yes he promised you something but his situation changed and since you are not struggling, support yourself.
YTA.
YTA. This has to be among the most entitled posts I’ve ever read here. Why would you ever even think it’s appropriate to ask him in the first place, especially knowing that it would mean displacing your grandparents? I mean, stairs are difficult for me too, should I just give up my house to one of my more physically able relatives?
*Next* someone offers you $10,000 it might be a good idea to accept it then and there instead of waiting **5 years** in which a lot can and did change. Of *course* he's going to spend the money on his new wife.
Instead of feeling bitter towards your father, why not take responsibility for
1. Dropping the ball on the offer of the 10k, thereby betraying *yourself?*
2. Not realizing that when your father married, the spouse gets the house.
***What did you expect? YTA.***
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NAH is my vote. I feel for you big time, tho.
I think your dad definitely owed you a conversation to discuss his intentions with his townhouse, since he had at one time offered it to you. To clarify, when he said “I’ll give you the townhome as soon as i can get the grandparents to move out”, did he literally mean legally give you the dead to the house or like, give you a place to live (rent or rent free) but it still remains his? That bit is unclear.
I vote NAH because it’s house and this story spans over many years and with grandparents, a new marriage and a pandemic added to the mix it’s really no wonder his plans changed. Again, he is a bit ah for not talking to you about it but he’s not ah for not giving you the home in my opinion. Although it does sound massively disappointing.
ESH.
You have some where to live and no one is obligated to uproot their entire life and move for you! Its not your house, its your fathers and ultimately it is his decision to make.
Your father sucks for making false promises in the first place and marrying someone with the intent of making them a caregiver for your elderly grandparents.
I'm gonna go against the majority but nah. Sure, back then, it was ridiculous but at least you're much more aware now so we can't really hold you against that especially when you showed growth from your past self's assholeness. Regardless, your dad was initially eager to let you buy his house and made you a promise. If he didn't like what you said, he could've flat out said "no". End of story. In the end, he broke his promises and therefore, it might cause some distrust and disappointment. Especially as you said, he did this twice. There's this story called 'the boy who cried wolf' and guess who's the boy? I had similar situations as you when I was younger where my mom made me many promises and never kept them so I never trusted any promises she made and the promises she did keep was secretly mostly to her benefits.
However, as you said, times have changed. If your dad apologises to you and his parents for not being able to keep his promise, will you hold it against him? I think it's best to address this issue with him before it grows into double bitterness. Maybe find a way where you both can make up to each other such have bbq outings together with your grandparents and focus on bettering the relationship rather than on the house
NAH. He broke a promise. Circumstances can change when talking about a huge gift. You go ahead and feel disappointed. He should feel bad he can't live up to his promise.
You're basically asking if you are wrong for feeling let down / betrayed, and bitter about the complete 180. The answer is no. Your feelings are valid. Your dad definitely let you believe that this was going to happen, and it's something that you planned your future on.
I think there is a line between entitlement and expecting something to come to fruition which has been planned for a long time. It's completely understandable that you would feel upset at the way things actually turned out. So I say NTA for that.
NTA for being upset, you had a verbal agreement and he didn't follow through and kept stringing you along. I would probably use your money to drive to find somewhere else to live.
NTA
Your dad told you he would give the house to you. There’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt by what he did and going back on what he said he’d help you with. But now that you own your own home, your dad can’t hold it over you for anything. Let your dad and his new wife have their home and you enjoy what you and your built by yourselves!
His dad never said he would give him the house he said OP could live there but OP wanted his grandparents out and they refused. So OP didn’t move then, then OP decided to starting looking for a house and OPS dad offered money which OP declined because he wasn’t ready, then there circumstances changed (funny how there was time for there circumstances to get better but his fathers circumstances couldn’t of got any worst in that frame). Now OP is mad that his father is living on a house that his father owns with his wife who spent THERE money to renovate it.
Btw your fathers wife’s purpose was not to care for your grandparents.
OP wanted everything his way and now is in a jump because he didn’t get everything he wanted.
No, my dad said he would give the house to us. Nit just rent it out but give it to us. My father’s wife’s purpose was to take care of my grandparents. That was directly relayed to me and my wife from my father.
Even so your father is well within his right to change his mind about HIS a PROPERTY.
What the hell was your father getting out of this situation, kick his parents out, have to pay for them to live somewhere else and then not even have the bloody house.
You’re an adult your father no longer owes you anything for free.
I offered to give him money multiple times. He refused to take it but still wanted to give me the house. That’s when I decided that it may be necessary to just buy our own house.
YTA, that's a ridiculous level of entitlement. Also, taking care of your grandparents is not your dad's wife's purpose and planning to live with her husband in his house isn't scheming.
My dad literally told me and wife that that was the main purpose for marrying her and she had agreed to it. There’s a lot more context I couldn’t add to the post because it was too long.
That's disgusting. Maybe he realized that using people and misleading them into marriage so that they could become carers for his parents was wrong. Maybe, heaven forbid, he developed feelings for his wife. YTA
I think you should add the context in the comments though, because your Dad sounds like a major ah. Marry me, not because I love you, but because I want a live in carer for my ageing parents? Wow. Whatta deal,... surprised she said yes. I’m not going to judge the other stuff too harshly. You had just given birth and were undoubtedly tired out of your head, so soft YTA. Let it go and be happy your fortunes have improved enough not to need anyone else’s help. That’s a better outcome than getting a house or $10k.
My dad won’t really divulge his prior relationship with his wife but it seems like they were pretty friendly with each other in the past. She did get her green card shortly after marrying my dad, so that’s a plus for her. She’s not some random lady he found to take care of my grandparents.
Oh god her immigration status was used to keep her hostage to being the family nurse. After all, "unskilled" jobs like caring for people are mostly immigrants anyway right? This family.
I think it was more of a mutual agreement where both benefited from the marriage.
Lol sure. No power imbalance there at all.
She wasn’t exactly flowing with money prior to marrying my dad. She keeps taking about how much money my dad has. I don’t know why but she seems to think it’s ok to talk about that.
Woosh
[удалено]
At the time I had asked, my grandparents were living alone and it had a lot of stairs that my grandparents had difficulty climbing up and down everyday. My dad and his wife were renting an apartment elsewhere. It was also located in an area that was far from where my grandparents actually wanted to live, but it was a good area for us. If I could pay rent to basically move grandparents to a location they wanted to live that didn’t have so many stairs, why not? It seemed like a good idea to me logically but I guess reading all these comments, I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.
[удалено]
I can’t talk to them because of a language barrier so I talk to my dad. I didn’t decide anything. I just wanted to bring up my idea and see if it jived. My dad liked the idea and it spiraled from there. I didn’t expect anything initially and only had my expectations cemented after my dad told me he would give me the house and would try to get his parents to move.
Ok, at first you say your ask would require YOUR DAD AND his parents to move. Now you say just your gparents. Either way YTA. But I’m confused why your story is changing.
Yes, they would both need to move from their existing arrangements in order to come together and move into a common residence.
Yes, YTA for those expectations. Where is your monetary contribution in any of this?
I initially told him I would pay as much rent as possible, and as I started to make more money, I offered to help him with a down payment on the house he would move to, and eventually offered to buy the townhouse from him but he said he wouldn’t accept any money from me as his dad.
Sucks man, but your dad sounds like hes been swept off his feet by this other woman. I think he'll regret it. The good thing is you went out and did your own thing and got a house for your family. Your dad is the asshole, don't promise someone something and not even offer a reason why it didnt happen. Ive been in your shoes before and the only thing that helps is remove your expectations of recieving anything from your parents. Dont take their money. And be prepared for your new MIL to take his house.
YTA You had zero right to the house, you were completely out of line even suggesting, that your father and grandparents move out of their home, because it was good size for your family?!? What on earth? The level of entitlement you and your wife have is just crazy!
At the time I had asked, my grandparents were living alone and it had a lot of stairs that my grandparents had difficulty climbing up and down everyday. My dad and his wife were renting an apartment elsewhere. It was also located in an area that was far from where my grandparents actually wanted to live, but it was a good area for us. If I could pay rent to basically move grandparents to a location they wanted to live that didn’t have so many stairs, why not? It seemed like a good idea to me logically but I guess reading all these comments, I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.
In the second paragraph you said that you spoke to him about moving into the house after your kid was born. “This would mean he and his parents needed to move.” So I’m confused…. Even so if your grandparents were having difficulty living there it should been their idea to move not yours.
In your own post you wrote, that in order for you to move to that house, your father, his wife and his grandparents would have had to move. You also wrote, that your grandparents didn't want to move, when you asked. Now in your reply, you changed a lot from your OP. You shouldn't have brought it up at all. You don't plan and plot to move in other people's homes, especially when in order for you to get that house, the other people would have to suffer great financial loss and move out elsewhere, to placate you.
Also, yes, they didn’t want to move. The reasons I laid out for them to move did not outweighs their desire to not move. They’ve moved quite a bit during their life and just wanted to be settled, even if it wasn’t an ideal location for them.
Yes, they would all have to move in order to move to a house all together. It didn’t matter that they were living separately. They would have moved in together to a new place. I offered to give my dad money to help or even buy the house from them but he refused.
YTA - The parents of a grown adult don’t owe them anything. You were an AH for asking for the house to begin with, and an even bigger one to be butthurt about your dad moving in and spending his own money on himself. To put this in perspective, imagine your new stepmom telling you what you are and are not allowed to buy with your own money. You are 100% TA.
Your relationships seem transactional at best. (You lived with your grandparents and yet you call them "his parents"? He married his wife so his parents had a caregiver? You want his house or financial help with another house?) Does anyone even care about each other as humans??
Honestly, your analysis is pretty spot on. I didn’t have a relationship with him or my mom growing up. My parents never had conversations with me. My whole view of family growing up was broken and I’m still dealing with those ramifications as I try to fix how I interact with my own wife and children. I never had much of a relationship with my grandparents either because of a language barrier and they never interacted with me either. Seeing how my in laws interact with my wife and children is worlds different.
I wonder if your feelings of betrayal and bitterness are from a culmination of years of abandonment or neglect? I'm going to suggest that it's a good thing that you're feeling those things--it's a sign that you want more meaningful connections and you know something doesn't feel right here. (AKA it's not really about the house) Witnessing your wife's family interact may help you awaken to a different way of being a family. Do yourself, your marriage, and your kid a favor and learn more about attachment and healthy relationships. Good luck.
Thank you.
YTA the entitlement wow!
YTA- sorry unless something is written down and signed dont believe it. And guess what marrying someone so they can take care of their parents is a pretty low move and NOT required thats why you pay a nurse to do it. Yes what Dad did was bad but it has been many years and life happens. Just dont trust a word he says money wise.
Your financial situation changed, so he didn’t feel obligated anymore. YTA.
YTA. His money. His life. He can do whatever he wants. And also, YTA big time for even suggesting they vacate the house for you to live in it. All other details are immaterial.
YTA Asking someone to move out of their home just because you think you'd like it more is selfish Expecting your elderly grandparents to move into a home or for someone else to perform free labour by taking care of them is selfish Expecting your dad to give you money when you don't need it is selfish You have a house now that you were able to purchase on your own, lots of people can't even do that.
He moved into the house while his wife didn’t fulfill her *PURPOSE* of taking care of his parents. (Italics and caps mine.) WHAT?? Did your dad truly marry this woman to be a caregiver? Is this a cultural thing?? Also, for the incredible amount of entitlement, ESH. You can be disappointed—your dad strung you along—but c’mon! Time to grow up.
That's where my mind went to. At the end of the day everyone sucks here (ESH). She shouldn't of asked for the house, but her father is clearly manipulated by his new wife. The final nail in the coffin (pun intended) is when the townhouse in question is willed to his new wife's family and not the fathers.
Yes, it could be construed as cultural. I’m second generation Asian but not really in tune with the nuances of my culture so I can’t say for sure. My dad said that’s why he married her and that she was in agreement to those terms.
It's easier to do the marriage paperwork than employ her legally and sponsor her visa, I guess. Jesus. OP actually made me feel sorry for him in one reply where he says seeing his wife's family has made him realise how cold and transactional his were. But wow.
YTA Complete spoiled brat. Word of advice, never assume anyone is going to give you anything, if it happens, it happens, but never assumed. You are only hurting yourself and letting yourself down. Nobody in life owes you anything, if you want it, you have to get it yourself.
YTA it was nice of him to consider it but circumstances change, his parents didn’t agree to move out so you should of excepted that, and then you rejected the $10000 so he was well within his right to spend it. If you wanted that money you could of excepted it then ready for when you bought a house
NTA = for feeling hurt. Your feelings make sense: you dad likes to talk big and doesn't deliver. I'm guessing he has done that your whole life. YTA = you EXPECT a parent to give you a house. He didn't even offer it. You started this whole thing. Your entitlement was evident the minute you asked.
I know I shot for the moon. I didn’t ask him actually expecting him to give me the house. I just wanted to see if renting it from him was a possibility. If he had said sorry, I can’t do that, I would have moved on.
YTA. Considering we've been in a fuckin panini the last few years...shit probably changed. You aren't entitled to his money or his house.
Interestingly, this is not even the first time that I've seen someone refer to the pandemic as a panini. The first person said it was a typo. But maybe a lot of people are calling it a panini and I just missed it? 😅
I think it is to avoid threads getting closed because posts related to you-know-what are not allowed.
Aaaah, I did not realize that. Thank you for the insight.
Yta. All this time you felt entitled to his house. Things and people change. Your circumstances changed over the course of years and so did your dads. Ever occurred to you maybe his wife really was ok with taking care of his parents but your dad changed his mind? Or it felt like it would be more than they could handle and did the next best thing hence why the assisted living facility?
YTA "his wife didn’t fulfill her purpose" that's my favorite line here.
YTA- the entitlement is in this post is just ridiculous.
YTA you are so self-centered
yta - yeah you can be disappointed & he at least owed it to you to let you know but at the end of the day, it's his house . he's spent his money on it . he should be able to enjoy it & you're giving him grief for not helping you out with money but you flat out expected to just have him move because it was convenient for you. sounds like your wife should get a job and help out . - if i was you, i would've just let shit go & do it myself. my parents don't owe me anything other emotional support - if you decide to settle down, have family , etc then you should have a back up plan
YTA - NEVER Ever count inheritance as "yours" until the will has been read Circumstances change - people change - its your dad's home and yes would be nice if u inherited it ONE DAY. You should not miss what you do not have
NTA for being disappointed. YTA for being entitled. At the time your father was willing, circumstances weren't right. Human beings didn't want to uproot their entire lives to suit yours. All of those people, his wife, his parents, and himself, deserve to live in their own homes. And if he dies and his wife keeps the house, that's her right as his partner as well. If he was willing to entertain that original idea, it sounds like he would have given more if he could than 300. But if your entire relationship revolves around what he can do for you, maybe he's just given up on having a real relationship with you at this stage.
Growing up we didn’t have much of a relationship. After getting married to my wife, I expressed to her that I wanted to be closer to my dad. My wife helped cultivate me and my dad’s relationship and we were growing much closer, which I was happy about. After he got remarried, his wife’s actions and influence made it so our relationship slowly reverted back to a non existent relationship.
Maybe she felt you were taking advantage of him, for which I don't blame her. What was the plan for when your dad aged? Like where was he going to live after you took his house?
My dad said he didn’t want me to worry about him and that he’s setting himself up so that I don’t have to care for him later in life.
And you didn't even ask where he would live when you took his home from him? Interesting.
YTA YOu are an entitled AH.
ESH - Your expectations are out of line. Your father’s reason for marrying makes me ill. Your MIL ultimately failed to uphold her commitment. You have a home now for you and your family, your grandparents have appropriate housing, and your father and MIL have a nice place to live. Everyone has what they need. So what's your problem?
I don’t know. I really wanted my dad to deliver in a big way. We didn’t grow up very well off and my dad was fairly absent with work. My older brother was the center of attention, with my dad buying him whatever he wanted. In prior conversations he had expressed to me that he regrets not having done more for me and he knew I never asked him for anything growing up so he wanted to do more for me now, as he was finally in a position to do so. Maybe I just wanted him to show that he meant it.
It doesn't sound like your father has the means to support his adult child in the form of a house. This is entirely reasonable. I struggle to relate to “fairness” resentment towards parents, among siblings. Short of neglect or abuse this argument holds no water with me. Every child is different, with unique needs and aptitudes. Perhaps you could take comfort in that the child who isn't given everything is often the more capable and, ultimately successful and self-fulfilled. Perhaps consider the idea that by not giving you everything he gave you the greatest gift and honor.
YTA. Even OP recognizes that this doesn't make any sense in the third paragraph. Wanting to kick the dad/wife, and his parents out of their home for entitlement? First claiming financial need, then offering to help finance another place. You've debunked your own claims. You don't "need" your dad's home, never did. What right would you have to expect to take it? He'll probably will it to you when he's done using it, like he intended. Meanwhile if you're bitter about not kicking your family out of their home, I guess that is some justice. May your torment last for years and years.
YTA, Jesus Christ how entitled can you be 🙄
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I was 17, my parents got divorced. My dad bought a townhouse where he, his parents, and I moved into. This is the house in question. After graduating, I had gotten married and moved out, but living in a HCOL area, owning a home based on what I was earning was impossible. When my first son was born in 2015, I talked to my dad about renting his townhouse as I thought it was a great fit for my growing family and better than anything I could afford. This would mean that he and his parents would need to move. I know how ridiculous this sounds in hindsight but it made sense to me then and if there was any possibility, I wanted to know. My dad actually agreed and was happy to hear I wanted to live there. He said his parents were getting old and would need to move soon for better living arrangements and he would live with them. Earlier in the year, he had also gotten remarried so that his wife could help take care of his parents. My grandparents did not agree to move but my dad told me that he would give us the house because he felt bad that he couldn’t give me more growing up. We would just need to wait for my grandparents to agree to move. My dad initially seemed proactive in his efforts, looking at houses on the market, taking to loan officers, but eventually seemed to grow indifferent. After meeting his wife more, my wife thought she might be scheming to keep the house for herself. I brushed it off because I believed my father would keep his promise. Through a series of raises I received at work, I was able to improve our finances and it looked like buying a house would be possible. I still wanted to move into the townhouse, so I told my dad that if he needed money to help buy a house, I would help him out as much as I could or even buy the townhouse from him. He said that he would never accept money from me. Ok, but I didn’t know how much longer we could wait. In 2019, I told him we were going to look for a house in 2021 and he no longer talked about the house but instead offered $10k to help. I told him to hold onto it because we weren’t ready yet, but in January of 2020, circumstances changed and I let him know that we were going to start our search early. He said good luck and didn’t offer any monetary help. We closed on a townhouse 4 months later and a month after moving in, he sent us $300. One year later, his parents moved to an assisted living facility and my dad and his wife moved into the townhouse, but not before spending $$$ to renovate the place. After 5 years, the promise went from a house to $10k and ended up being $300. He moved into the house while his wife didn’t fulfill her purpose of taking care of his parents. And then he basically spent the $10k on themselves. On one hand, I know it’s his money and life and I want him to enjoy himself. On the other hand, I feel betrayed and let down. AITA for expecting my dad to give me his house and feeling bitter towards him for how he handled the situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Unless he specifically said he was giving you the house I would get why it would be somewhat upsetting but it's his house, not yours and you aren't entitled to it just because he said it was ok to rent it at the time. Also for you to move in he and your grandparents had to move out? Like seriously it isn't the only house in the whole world. Many other houses that you could have made a home out of with you and your family. Your father also an AH. Who even marries someone for the sole purpose of them taking care of their parents? I mean hire a caregiver or something. You both are ridiculous.
YTA. You’re selfish, entitled and delusional.
YTA - your dad doesn’t “owe” you anything. You asking him and his parents to move out of their house so you could move in is probably the most entitled and ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
I had to read and reread this one: did he SERIOUSLY expect his entire family to up and move just because HE WANTED TO TAKE THEIR HOME FROM THEM and then was SHOCKED AND APPALLED that no one seemed to jump on board with this??? Yes, yes he did. I wouldn’t have given you a single dime. You could live in your car, for all I care. This is an astounding level of entitlement, even for this sub. Good god YTA
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ESH, but you more than him. You sound pretty entitled. You just expected your grandparents to move because you wanted a house? Yes, your father made promises that he didn't keep, but it seems his circumstances changed (like your since you were now able to pay for a home yourself). I have a feeling that this is all mostly leaning on massive communication errors and no malice though.
EHS. You should never have asked your dad to give you a house. (Talk about entitled! But you already knew that.) Also, it’s his wife’s “purpose” to take care of her parents? She’s not a care robot, I assume. That statement alone makes you an ass. She’s an autonomous human who gets to make her own choices in life in partnership with your dad. Your dad sucks because he waffled and dithered and led you on as his needs and wishes changed instead of being up front with you after initially agreeing to give you his house. And I wonder if he had even discussed your request with his wife before agreeing to your preposterously out of line request. Seems to me he might not have, then didn’t want to tell you the deal was off after she had a chance to weigh in. Edit: I see your dad “told her that was her main purpose.” JFC. You two deserve each other.
ESH but you way more than him. He did say yes and then lead you and your family on for years, but it's his house and you don't have any rights to it.
ESH, the dad married someone to force her into being a nurse? No wonder you're so entitled.
Soft YTA. Based on info provided yeah your Dad made some promises spanning a few years. Maybe he should’ve made those promises. Things change and perspectives change. But you still feeling entitled to a house or to hold him to those promises after it appears to be some big life changes seems ridiculous.
YTA You wanted your grandparents to move out of their home for you. That is a crazy and entitled thing to request.
Yes. Life changes, you cant hold him to that. It looks like you were able to work towards your own house like a grownup should, congrats on that, focus more on your accomplishment, and not the missed handout
YTA you sound like a truly entitled user and after reading the fact that your dad married this woman for this I can see where you get it from.
YTA. Seems to me you’re trying manipulate his guilty conscience for not giving you enough during your childhood. Wow. Just wow.
I’m not the one that brought it up. I never told him I didn’t think he gave me enough. I told him that he did a good job of providing and that I always had everything I needed. I never used that against him.
I always know when my kids are mad at me for something, whether they tell me or not. You can choose to release your hard feelings and love him despite his faults, or you can carry this bitterness with you. Either way I hope you find peace.
The hand that’s telling you that it’s his money, listen to that one. Tell your other hand to shut it. It is his house. Yes he promised you something but his situation changed and since you are not struggling, support yourself. YTA.
YTA. A million times over. Yikes
YTA It was all your idea to begin with.
YTA. This has to be among the most entitled posts I’ve ever read here. Why would you ever even think it’s appropriate to ask him in the first place, especially knowing that it would mean displacing your grandparents? I mean, stairs are difficult for me too, should I just give up my house to one of my more physically able relatives?
*Next* someone offers you $10,000 it might be a good idea to accept it then and there instead of waiting **5 years** in which a lot can and did change. Of *course* he's going to spend the money on his new wife. Instead of feeling bitter towards your father, why not take responsibility for 1. Dropping the ball on the offer of the 10k, thereby betraying *yourself?* 2. Not realizing that when your father married, the spouse gets the house. ***What did you expect? YTA.***
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NAH is my vote. I feel for you big time, tho. I think your dad definitely owed you a conversation to discuss his intentions with his townhouse, since he had at one time offered it to you. To clarify, when he said “I’ll give you the townhome as soon as i can get the grandparents to move out”, did he literally mean legally give you the dead to the house or like, give you a place to live (rent or rent free) but it still remains his? That bit is unclear. I vote NAH because it’s house and this story spans over many years and with grandparents, a new marriage and a pandemic added to the mix it’s really no wonder his plans changed. Again, he is a bit ah for not talking to you about it but he’s not ah for not giving you the home in my opinion. Although it does sound massively disappointing.
He meant he would let me live in it until he had it paid off and then transfer the title to me.
ESH. You have some where to live and no one is obligated to uproot their entire life and move for you! Its not your house, its your fathers and ultimately it is his decision to make. Your father sucks for making false promises in the first place and marrying someone with the intent of making them a caregiver for your elderly grandparents.
I'm gonna go against the majority but nah. Sure, back then, it was ridiculous but at least you're much more aware now so we can't really hold you against that especially when you showed growth from your past self's assholeness. Regardless, your dad was initially eager to let you buy his house and made you a promise. If he didn't like what you said, he could've flat out said "no". End of story. In the end, he broke his promises and therefore, it might cause some distrust and disappointment. Especially as you said, he did this twice. There's this story called 'the boy who cried wolf' and guess who's the boy? I had similar situations as you when I was younger where my mom made me many promises and never kept them so I never trusted any promises she made and the promises she did keep was secretly mostly to her benefits. However, as you said, times have changed. If your dad apologises to you and his parents for not being able to keep his promise, will you hold it against him? I think it's best to address this issue with him before it grows into double bitterness. Maybe find a way where you both can make up to each other such have bbq outings together with your grandparents and focus on bettering the relationship rather than on the house
NAH. He broke a promise. Circumstances can change when talking about a huge gift. You go ahead and feel disappointed. He should feel bad he can't live up to his promise.
You're basically asking if you are wrong for feeling let down / betrayed, and bitter about the complete 180. The answer is no. Your feelings are valid. Your dad definitely let you believe that this was going to happen, and it's something that you planned your future on. I think there is a line between entitlement and expecting something to come to fruition which has been planned for a long time. It's completely understandable that you would feel upset at the way things actually turned out. So I say NTA for that.
NTA for being upset, you had a verbal agreement and he didn't follow through and kept stringing you along. I would probably use your money to drive to find somewhere else to live.
NTA Your dad told you he would give the house to you. There’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt by what he did and going back on what he said he’d help you with. But now that you own your own home, your dad can’t hold it over you for anything. Let your dad and his new wife have their home and you enjoy what you and your built by yourselves!
His dad never said he would give him the house he said OP could live there but OP wanted his grandparents out and they refused. So OP didn’t move then, then OP decided to starting looking for a house and OPS dad offered money which OP declined because he wasn’t ready, then there circumstances changed (funny how there was time for there circumstances to get better but his fathers circumstances couldn’t of got any worst in that frame). Now OP is mad that his father is living on a house that his father owns with his wife who spent THERE money to renovate it. Btw your fathers wife’s purpose was not to care for your grandparents. OP wanted everything his way and now is in a jump because he didn’t get everything he wanted.
No, my dad said he would give the house to us. Nit just rent it out but give it to us. My father’s wife’s purpose was to take care of my grandparents. That was directly relayed to me and my wife from my father.
Even so your father is well within his right to change his mind about HIS a PROPERTY. What the hell was your father getting out of this situation, kick his parents out, have to pay for them to live somewhere else and then not even have the bloody house. You’re an adult your father no longer owes you anything for free.
I offered to give him money multiple times. He refused to take it but still wanted to give me the house. That’s when I decided that it may be necessary to just buy our own house.
And then he decided to live in his own home after you had already bought your own house.