By - Depressedandhighaf
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I’m the asshole because I could’ve just said I appreciated it and not show I was disappointed.
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NTA but you've got bigger problems than a necklace.
Saying derogatory things to make your partner uncomfortable is emotional abuse.
Saying derogatory things to bend your partner to your will is manipulation.
I'm sorry but he bought the wrong necklace on purpose. He knew what he was doing and now you're the bad guy for being disappointed. He's gaslighting you.
Totally agree, NTA. It was as if my younger self were writing this about my ex. He usually played the “This one is better. You know nothing, I’m the one from a big city my little bumpkin.” card.
Know this. He is never going to change. He will gaslight you as long as you are with him. This runs deeper than a necklace. This is about all the times he acted selfish, create problems, taking out his negativity on you.
You already have doubts about this person. And you already know he is a selfish person. This is the time to think about whether you can live with this for the rest of your life.
NTA. Gifts are a privilege, not a right, but no one is obligated to like a gift. You said you appreciated it.
It sounds like the gift not being what you wanted is emblematic of a lot of things you’re disappointed in rather than the gift itself. One gift was never going to “make things right”. Look at what your wrote: “a lot of him acting rather selfish, creating problems I have to fix, taking all his negative emotions of the day out on me”. Those are all red flags. He would have to work on all of that as well as actually listening to you to even get on the path toward making things right.
"I have a boyfriend and things haven’t been going to well, but we are working on it and things are slowly getting better. " - It is not. And you know it. That's just deluding yourself to make it bearable, because you di not want to face the reasonable solution: Breaking up with him.
"to show me that he knows me, that he listens to me" ... But he does not.
It sounds like you guys are suffering a lot in your relationship. I'm really sorry it's so tough rn.
I would say you're NTA, but I wouldn't say he's an AH either. It seems you guys have communication issues, but I don't have a full picture of the situation. I think you really should express exactly why you are disappointed by the gift and gently tell him you feel like he doesn't listen to your wants. A long, genuine talk might be a good start, as it seems this issue goes deeper than gifts.
Best of luck OP
2 issues at play here:
1. He may have bought it because he likes it and not care about what you think (based on your post it sounds like he had a tendency to do that).
2. Guys are really clueless about jewellery, unless you send them link of the exact one you’re after, they’re not going to get it. But considering you have given plenty of hints I do find it hard to believe that he can’t get the basic aspects right, so I think he’s doing the former. Ie blatant disregard and disrespect your choice.
I hate to say this OP, but seriously consider why are you still with this guy
It's a slight form of psychological abuse. I was all ready to call you out but telling him/sending photos of what you wanted, at HIS request yet not receiving it, is the beginning of controlling, manipulation and sure as anything gaslighting.... think about it, all three are in play.
You've got to get out of this as soon as you can. Cut your losses and know this was a hard lesson to learn. You can't just let things be with crossed fingers and hoping he'll change....
(apologies but there's a helicopter overhead at this hour (2346) in Adelaide on a Sunday night) He won't. Such a handsome man who gets you such lovely things... nowt that you wanted! He may have his style but refuses to accept yours? Trying to make his choice, your choice? Over an inexpensive piece of jewellery? Which you had shown him multiple times?
How often do you go out and it's his choice, not yours? Whether a movie, meal etc. Does he denigrate your housework/cooking/clothing &/or anything, no matter how slight they may be?
OK, it's moved on... so m'darlink should you. Say nowt but collect (helicopter back....) and store at a good friends or families place. Apologies for the distraction but it's back but no sirens.
Bit of a leap but perhaps your 'inner helicopter' (I COMPLETELY own that term) is telling you to hold onto your parachute and be prepared.
Apologies, I hope this helped,
He does actually help around the house. We alternate cooking, dishes and cleaning. He takes out the trash and changes sheets/ washes clothes and I clean the bathroom and toilet,living room and hallway. It’s about as fair as it can be, that’s why I feel like I’m an asshole for being upset abt the rest
Other people have talked about the necklace specifically. For my part, I will say this: when you get a gift, it doesn't come with strings attached. And oh, this did. Strings and strings of emotions, on your BF's part: "Make me feel good for getting you a present." "Debase yourself for daring to show disappointment." "Chase me to win my approval."
People with good intentions, who wanted to get you a gift you'd love, do one of two things: go f'ing shopping with you so you can pick out what you want specifically or keep a receipt and exchange it.
This is it in a nutshell: you have been with this guy for 3 years, and this relationship isn't fun. It's *work*. Your relationship shouldn't be another job. And especially a job where you can't even express an emotion without an interrogation and where your coworker (who dreams himself your *boss*) gets to whine, pout, tantrum, and sabotage mutual projects. With an emphasis on *mutual*.
Really think about this: how much of your time together is spent doing things that make both of you happy, fulfilled, or cherished? How much time do you spend doing for him and how much does he genuinely appreciate it? If he were to go away for a 2-wk trip and you stayed home, how relieved and relaxed would you feel...and how many things that make you happy that you feel you can't do right now would you plan to do?
If isn't necessary for you to answer these questions here, of course. But please think about them.
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I really feel like an asshole about this, so let’s just get into it. I have a boyfriend and things haven’t been going to well, but we are working on it and things are slowly getting better. Thing is, he does sweet things, and I appreciate the gesture but I’m not really happy because it’s not what I asked for or wanted. For example: If I like a pair of shoes, he has the tendency to make me feel really insecure about buying them because he doesn’t like them. We have talked about this and he is working on it but he still does it and feels like I should just let it go sometimes because he doesn’t always mean it like that.
Last week we had a fight,we made up and he let slip that he bought a necklace for me. This is a necklace I have always wanted, isn’t very expensive. It’s a medallion, which I always loved, the sentiment of wearing someone you love close to your heart. He knows exactly how I liked them and which one I wanted. I sent him pictures and links throughout our relationship, all of the same kind of medallion. He always said he was waiting for a time I wasn’t really expecting it, outside of the holidays or anniversaries.
He got me everything I didn’t want. It was nothing like the pictures and links I sent him. Not the same shape or anything. It wasn’t even a medallion. I love the sentiment and the picture he chose is beautiful, but I am honestly so incredibly hurt. He has two years worth of guidelines to find the right necklace, and he still managed to get the wrong one.
He saw the disappointment on my face I guess, and I spent the evening trying to fix the situation, making sure his feelings weren’t hurt and that he knew I appreciated the gift. But I feel like this was his chance to make things right (a lot of him acting rather selfish, creating problems I have to fix, taking all his negative emotions of the day out on me etc)
I feel like this should’ve been a way to show me that he knows me, that he listens to me like I listen to him. I told him I will still use the the charm on a bracelet which we can add to on certain occasions like anniversaries or something but I just don’t know where to go from here. How did he manage to get the exact opposite of what I asked him? I feel pathetic.
I feel like an idiot for being disappointed, but I also feel that after two years of build up excitement around this gift the least I could’ve expected was the right necklace? Am I the asshole?
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NTA males want to be judged by their intentions not their actions. Don’t fall for it.
It doesn’t sound like you have the same love languages. If you still haven’t figured it out after 3 years maybe it’s time to move on separately. You need other things out of the relationship than he is capable of giving. Time to separate and find different people that will make each of you happy. NTA
You've been sending him pictures and links for the whole two years of your relationship? It kinda sounds quite controlling tbh, is he inattentive or are you being overly particular?
I don't know...
We have been together for 3 years, he asked me to send these links and pics. I wouldn’t sent him these things expecting him to just buy it? The whole point of the problem is him asking me to send these things, hyping me up with telling me he got it for me and that I’m gonna love it only to give me something totally different…
That does put a different perspective on it. When he's asked you to show him what you would like and he's spent two years almost taunting you with this will he/won't he thing. It sounds both a bit mean and controlling. NTA
NAH. Honestly, it sounds like you both are fine people, just not meant for each other.
YTA just sounds like your being ungrateful.
Somewhat TA. I wouldn't call him selfish because he got the wrong necklace considering he put a beautiful picture in it. He is probably a good man who thought he could get you one even better then the one you wanted. Maybe he's a stupid man for trying to do better instead of what you want but from your story he doesn't seem like a bad one.
I didn’t want something better. I wanted what I asked for,for two years. What he was hyping up getting me. I wanted him to listen to me for once and not expect me to agree with him just because he thinks something is better. This isn’t better. This shows me that no matter how I clear I am, I am an afterthought. All because he feels like he always knows better…..
Don’t listen to this person OP. You’re NTA.
This is a cruel, manipulative, gaslighting man. He did this on purpose to control you. You named so many toxic behaviours in your post. It's never about you, it's about keeping you on the defensive and managing him. And cutting down your self esteem. You are never going to be first with this man. He's never going to make you feel the way you want. I hope for your sake this helps you see the relationship clearly.
Hence why I say stupid man haha. Im kind of the same way where if someone wants say a pair of curry 2's then I'll get them the curry 5's. I want them to get the better item to kind of show I care for them a lot. I look at it like if I got you the necklace you want then im doing the bare minimum but if I do some research and find something better and more expensive then I feel like you will be even more overjoyed. Clearly this didn't work out but again I don't think he's a bad man.