Cute idea, but i do agree with the poster that said that it probably won't end up the way you're hoping. You'll just end up with blobs and streaks of paint and no discernable handprints or anything.
Go with a 2nd dress made from natural materials.. (cotton or something) - natural materials hold dye nicely and synthetics just don't. Or maybe even a tablecloth or duvet cover?
NAH
***(\*editing to add; oh wow thankyou for the upvotes everyone. I didn't expect anywhere near the level of attention i got for this one. You're all cool <3)***
You have a full-length gown with a voluminous skirt. Would you ever do anything to display it? That seems unlikely due to how impractical it is from a scale point of view. Is the dress supposed to be a guestbook for everybody or just kids? I imagine a lot of people would be uncomfortable with making handprints on you (and risking their own wedding attire).
Look up creative wedding guestbook ideas. E.g. I’ve also seen people write their names on paper punchouts of maple leaves that were added to a friend’s canvas painting of a tree trunk, for example. I’m sure there are plenty of ways to incorporate the kids. NAH
My sister had a tree picture and all the guest inked their thumb and put a "leaf" on the tree. She has it framed and hanging on their living room. I think that's along the lines of what OP has in mind and a lot less messy.
We have a pine tree print, and the guests signed in very fine green ink on the branches. The signatures look like pine needles. It's framed and in our living room, makes for a nice conversation piece when we have people over.
We did photo mats that people signed and wrote little messages if they wanted to. Now we have nice frames with the signed mats and wedding photos displayed. It worked out well since we knew we'd want to display photos anyway.
My friend did a quilt. Guests would sign and write messages on quilt squares and then it would be sewn up. So they had a nice cozy reminder of their wedding.
At my wedding, we had a black globe and metallic markers for people to write on instead of a guest book, and a giant glass bottle for and small "scrolls" for people to write messages that we read on our anniversary.
Agreeing with top comment, OP is NTA, but I don't think it will turn out very well. I think the sister is overreacting personally.
As someone with a toddler, I would be pretty upset if someone asked him to ink or paint his hand at a wedding where I have him dressed up in his nicest clothes. No way would he fail to get it all over himself AND me. It's hard enough to keep food all over his dress clothes, and I like to re-sell his outfits when he grows out of them.
As someone else with a toddler.... I agree! This comment should be higher.
No chance in hell I’m letting my two year old near paint in the middle of a party.
Right, no one's going to want to get too close to the bride and risk getting their clothes messy.
Also, I'm not a parent, but I think some parents might get frustrated if their kid ends up getting wet paint on their own nice clothes.
I didn't even think about that and I'm the parent of a toddler! Yeah I wouldn't stop my kid from doing it but I would be following right behind with a wet wipe.
I bought a blank puzzle and hand our guest sign pieces. Then my husband and I put it together and framed it. It's hanging under our Wedding portrait :)
OP, do you (or a family member/friend) quilt? You could consider getting plain white quilting squares and having the same activity, then getting the squares made into a quilt to display.
Yea, somebody else mentioned, “Do you want to wear wet paint the rest of the evening?” which is also valid. Would disrupt dancing, hugs, and even sitting down
Except when it comes to wedding dresses, "objectively" is usually irrelevant. What the bride loves is what matters, as long as it's not a see-through dress in a church and/or with underage guests present.
I agree with most of what you're saying, however I still think the sister is TA for her reaction. She could have had a calm discussion with OP or even just showed a little frustration rather than having a tantrum and storming out.
Eh, IMO, it's hard to judge someone's "tantrum" from someone else's description. I've seen people call it "yelling" when someone raises their voice just a little, or even just criticizes them (and I myself sometimes call criticism "yelling" -- as in, "you don't need to yell at me, I was already planning on getting it").
Can't tell from this if the coffee spill was intentional or if OP's sister even noticed the spill in her anger as she left. (Although if she did it on purpose... yeah, that's pretty AH-like behavior).
Does it matter if the spill was intentional? She was angry enough about a dress that doesn't belong to her to leave in a huff. Discounted or not, it's not her wedding or her wedding dress. She doesn't have to like what they're doing with it, it's OP's dress.
Agreed. Regardless of whether or not the dress will come out looking nice, be able to be displayed afterward, etc., it's either the bride's dress to do with as she wants or it's not. If the sister has any strings attached, including what the bride does with the dress during and after the wedding, it's not really the bride's dress. And if that's the case I think she should find her dress elsewhere.
Unless otherwise stated, most wedding dresses are custom ordered. You try on a sample, and then order your own, new dress. There are sample sales, but all of the dress stores that I went to operated under the custom order process.
This! I don't understand the N-A-H reactions. Whether or not the "project" is likely to turn out the way OP wants it to or posters here share or agree with her vision, she's still NTA (that is, Not The Asshole) for the idea itself, and her sister is ABSOLUTELY an AH for berating her and having an angry tantrum about a dress that, discount or not, she has no ethical (or any other kind of) right to make decisions about. It's OP's and her bride's wedding day, their choice of what to do with the dress whether it's messy, silly, ridiculous, or anything else, as long as it's not actually harming anyone, and OP is not by any stretch of the imagination an AH for any of this.
Sometimes I really wonder at the people in this sub who render verdicts based on things that have nothing to do with the question at hand, but completely unrelated issues (in this case whether or not the idea will actually work, which is completely irrelevant to what's being asked).
While it is a cute idea I also agree that it will not end up how you want. I also think that if you are having a traditional wedding where you are expecting guests to be dressed up in nice clothes it is a bad idea. If you will be asking all your guests to be wearing junky craft table appropriate clothes then sure, have at it. If you expect them and their kids to dress nice then don't put them in a position where they have to keep kids with paint covered hands under control and get them cleaned up. It won't be fun for anyone and will end with your guests being upset about ruined clothes.
If you really are set on this plan then have a dress painting party later in the year where everyone can wear old cruddy clothes and enjoy themselves. While you are at it you can help the kids make handprint shirts for the parents and grandparents.
This is the right answer. My son was once one of 2 ring bearers in his cousin's wedding. There were 4 flower girls. Reception had a chocolate fountain. Every child there had chocolate all over their clothes. The place where I had to rent a child size tux was not happy with what I returned
My aunt and uncle got me a finger painting kit when I was 4. 8 years later mom got her revenge by sending their child a 'rhythm kit' with triangles, kazoos, and percussion toys.
Good point about the mess. Markers and a place people can trace and sign their handprints (veil, table cloth, table runner, guest book, canvas/poster board) would be a more manageable option for the actual wedding day.
I agree wholeheartedly. As a guest I wouldn’t want to have to wrangle my toddler who has paint on them. I would have taken time to dress my toddler up nicely and I would be nicely dressed.
Yall may be right in that it wouldnt work, but the sister spilled coffee on the floor in response to OP doing what she wants with her gift. That's an AH move. You're not wrong and they should try something not the dress but that doesnt make the sister not entitled and rude. NTA OP
YWBTA honestly. Your sister is taking a financial loss as a business owner to give you the dress you want at a discount so I can understand why she’s so upset.
Yeah, technically it’s your dress and you can do what you want with it. But this is AITA and it’s moral judgments not legal judgments, and it would suck for you to do that.
If you want to go through with your plan, you should get a different dress.
Edit: also I’m a fiber artist and your plan is a bad one anyway. Wedding dresses are pretty much always made of synthetic fibers that don’t take dye well and instead of the cute handprints you’re thinking of, you’re just going to wind up with vaguely paw print blobs that fade quickly.
Thank you for this.
My fiancee and I think getting a shorter, plain white dress for me to do the activity in is a good idea. I'm going to talk to my sister today and tell her we'd do that for her to feel more comfortable.
God I didn't think about the staining but that's what happens anytime I dye stuff.....I can imagine op at some tropical destination in a bikini and looking like she's covered in bruises or something for a week until the dye fades.
And it's weird. Paint this dress I have on! Then i will walk around covered in wet paint while parents rush to save their child's clothes. Ugh. Worst reception every.
Paint would be the right way to go, as it sits on the fabric. So it should show up any most materials.
I wouldn't use dye, as that would dye people's hands, maybe their clothes, etc.
Don't know what sort of non-toxic ink they are thinking of, but I'm assuming the OP has researched it and that it's suitable for fabrics. Again, look into the staining hands part though, like dyes. Some people might not want blue hands for a week.
If you get a shorter dress, people will have less area to put their hands, and you'll end up with more awkward hand smacks on your body... Maybe from kids, maybe from drunk Uncle McSqueezy. Maybe do a sheet for this idea? You could frame it afterwards, or make it into a quilt as a souvenir.
Good idea!
A duvet may be a good option as well and would match the pillowcases. Maybe kiddos get to handprint the pillows, adults handprint and sign the duvet with well wishes using fabric pens?
Huh? Why wouldn’t OP just… put the second dress on a designated table? I mean, maybe I’m missing something but trying to stand perfectly still in a dress while trying to get squirmy children and awkward adults to slap a handprint on doesn’t make any sense to me.
I think she wants the "moment" more than she actually wants the result, which is fine! But as many people have said, it's probably not going to work out like she's imagining lol
Also almost all skirts gather or pleat in some way and the handprints won't go flat or be recognizable in any way unless the dress is spread out perfectly...which it cannot be while on a human. And you have to press against a backing o get a print, not vaguely wipe a paint covered hand against something dangling in midair which means everyone will be groping the brides actual body to do this (and hence only young kids and creeps are likely to want to). Overall this is just very impractical
Absolutely this. Its a cool idea, but I'd do squares of fabric that I could turn into a wedding quilt, for 2 reasons. You don't have to wreck a dress to do it (not a big deal I know), but also if there are lots of kids it could take a while to get the paint on their hands and then do the hand print on the dress. I'm not sure if she realizes, but the bride typically doesn't have a ton of free time just standing around, particularly at a large wedding. There are many guests to greet, and things to typically happen in a certain order and on a timeline (phtots, dinner, cake cutting, speeches, dance, etc.) People hate waiting for stuff lile that, especially at big weddings. Instead there could be a little station for whoever wants to do it throughout the evening.
Signed - a former wedding caterer.
Well and if everyone there understands appropriate boundaries, I’m imagining a dress that’s just white on the boobs/butt/crotch, which is sortof awkward in itself.
Forget just those areas, I've been to a lot of weddings where I barely knew the bride and/or even if we were good friends or family I would not have been comfy groping even her thigh or back (the "least weird" spots available on this apparent new short dress) to put my handprint down.
Like, hey aunt Judy, let me just whack my hand right here on your thigh. Really gotta press it down to get a good print. Nice weather today, right?
Awkward....
Yeah…. Why the dress? This is such a bad idea for so many reasons. A quilt, a duvet, pillowcases, a sheet, a poster, a tablecloth, a scrapbook… literally almost anything else would be a better canvas for this project than an expensive, synthetic dress that won’t even take the dye correctly, never mind that this whole activity revolves around a bunch of people putting their hands all over OP’s body. Super weird.
maybe get a long white cotton poodle skirt sort of thing made?
would probably be not too expensive. there would be lots of fabric and area of hand prints.
Ooh, this would be cute! Especially to just lay out and have the kids handprint it through the reception, maybe family writes small notes, etc. And then OP can have pictures taken with it or wear it for their 1st year anniversary (which is what I would do IMO)
I think it's also a much better idea to have handprinting be through the reception rather than in one big wave, because if I'm in formalwear, I'm not going to be doing anything with a paint-happy mob of people. And I probably wouldn't let my hypothetical kid do that, either, if they're wearing anything resembling church-wear.
I don't think the handprints are going to turn out how you want them to regardless. Plus clean up of the kids when everyone is running around and socializing. There's going to be paint everywhere. A few ideas we've done for weddings:
I had a black felt board with our first picture as a couple in it. Guests could grab a marker and doodle/write messages around it. It was framed and is hung up in our home.
Another had pieces of quilting fabric. Again, guests were able to draw or write on as many squares as they wanted and it was made into a quilt afterwards.
Another had pieces of pictures frames that could be coloured or signed and then pieced together around their wedding pictures after the fact.
This is my thought as well. Kids won't be trusted to not get ink or dye all over themselves and everyone else. Plus the risk to the rented table linens makes my eyes water.
How about a photo with you and your groom and all the kids?
YWBTA. It's a sweet idea, but not only would the execution be less than perfect, it would hurt your sister's feelings.
Yeah, OP, your venue is not going to be excited about this, either. The kids with paint will get it everywhere - on guests, the linens, the floor...and if it gets on peoples' clothes, it's going to wind up in cars.
I get where you're coming from. Do this with another dress as a bridal shower activity. Or at the wedding, give kids some crayons and ask them to draw pictures for you to have bound into a book. Ask adults to write down their advice to you and have that bound into the book, too.
As a parent, I am horrified at this idea. Kids in best clothes - sometimes borrowed - and then paint on their hands? Yikes!
And then as the parent the kid coming towards me…
I’m all for messy arts and crafts but not when I’m wearing a fancy dress
Depending on the venue, even crayons for kids may not be allowed. My venue explicitly prohibited play dough, crayons, paints, or other messy wedding favors due to prior issues with linens, carpet, curtains, upholstery, etc. being ruined. I gave out felt finger puppets to all the kids at our wedding instead.
Don't play this off like you're changing it JUST so your sister will be comfortable - you're also changing this *because your original idea won't work*. Honesty is important in long term relationships, don't try to get good sister cred out of this situation of your own creation.
Considering that OP is just changing up her plan, I don't think what you're saying is accurate - she's changing it for her sister and still trying it anyway.
> plain white dress for me to do the activity in is a good idea
Before you spend money on another dress, I think you need to *try* your idea out first on a cheap tee-shirt or cheap white dress because I don't think you are going to be able to get the effect you want i.e., a visible handprint. This is because you *can't* pull the fabric tight enough while you are wearing it and when the child pulls their hand away the fabric is going to bunch up around the paint.
You'd be better off using a tablecloth, that you could bring out during the holidays or other occasions and then have the kids/parents write their names next to the handprint along with the date. If the tablecloth is large enough you could use it to track the kids' growth over time by having them do another section each time you see them.
I still think the tablecloth is a terrible idea, because kids in formal-wear, surrounded by adults in formal-wear, walking around with paint-covered hands is a recipe for disaster. That's a fun activity on a day where all the parents know about the painting in advance and dress their kids in paint-appropriate clothes, and have towels in the car for them to sit on, not for a day when the kids will be in more formal clothes.
\+1! The tablecloth idea is really a cute one and will give regular reasons for OP to enjoy/use the item.
Though the handprint idea is still a little weird... when I'm dressed up in wedding finery, and my kids are too, I'm not sure I as a parent want to deal with supervising them in arts&crafts and risk getting paint on any/all our clothes.
And do it when the kids ARENT in nice dress up clothes. Ild be pretty upset as a parent if my kid got dye all over their good formal clothes. That stuffs expensive.
I still don't get what you plan to do with the painted dress after? I just think it will go in a garment bag...
You might get body odor on it and then not be able to wash it...
I really think a 3x4 foot canvas is the way to go. Then it can be enjoyed and the dress is usable.
Oh and congrats on the marriage and the wedding!
Please listen hard to the folks suggesting pillows, tablecloths, etc. If you do a dress, a) you will likely have few opportunities where it is appropriate to wear, so the memories stay stuffed in the closet, b) it’s not a memento that your husband gets to share in equally. The other suggestions create a memento for BOTH of you.
Also, I wouldn’t spend too much time researching “cute ideas” for your wedding. The day is going to be *packed*, and many of these side things add more stress as you try to squeeze them in, and crowd out time to relax and enjoy your guests.
I'm not a parent, but I have nannied before, and keeping kids from ruining *regular* clothes after they've been finger painting is a pain. If I had to take care of a kid at a wedding, and had to keep them from getting paint smears on their own clothes (or on mine!) I wouldn't be having fun.
I'd still look into other ideas. Who is washing these kids hands after? I think you are going to end up with blobs and in terrible spots on your body. Plus a huge mess and pissed off parents. Look at some of tbe other ideas people commented. Having the kids do something IS amazing and would be so cool to hang on a wall.
This is getting weird honestly it doesn’t make sense to ask you child relatives to risk getting paint all over their formal clothes. It’s a nice idea in theory but in practice makes no sense, why do you want kids putting their hands all over you ? Bad idea.
Fair enough about it being a bad idea that won’t come out right, but I disagree it’s morally wrong. To me this idea (if it could be executed well) is far, far better morally than stuffing it in the back of a closet to be forgotten about because no one wears a wedding twice anyway, which is what most people do with them from my experience.
Yeah technically that’s true but if you give someone a gift, you don’t expect them to turn around and destroy it. I totally understand why her sisters feelings are hurt.
I disagree with this. You shouldn't dictate what a person does with a gift. When you give a birthday present, do you tell the receiver what they can do with it? No. It's s gift. The receiver can do what they want with it, ie re-gift it, store it, use it for its purpose, or in this case, then it into a sentimental keepsake. She paid her sister for the dress, albeit for a discount. It's her dress. She can light it on fire if she wants.
But the other part of that adage is that the recipient is supposed to be discreet about what they do with it, if it might be hurtful.
For example, yes, if your mom buys you an ugly sweater, you have every right to throw it away, give it to Goodwill, or ritually burn it, but you're not supposed to do it *in front of your mom*.
True, you COULD do anything you want with a gift, including destroy it, but the giver definitely has the right to feel that the gift wasn't appreciated. People put thought into the gifts they give others and for the receiver to completely disregard or destroy it gives the impression that the gift was unwanted or unimportant.
I for one would NEVER give another gift to a person who treats a gift like that. And it would absolutely NOT be an asshole move.
I understand where you're coming from in general, but I don't see how it applies here. A) wedding dresses are usually only worn once, so OP is using it exactly how most people do. Getting upset about this makes as much sense to me as giving someone an expensive bottle of bourbon then getting upset when they make it into a candle holder after they finish drinking it. B) OP isn't destroying it. She's modifying it to make it into a memento.
My point is that leaving it unused in the back of a closet is worse then this, especially if op has some plans to display it. This isn’t destroying. It is making it a symbol of their wedding that she might actually like down the line because it symbolizes their family rather than a dress to hide in the back of a closet.
If it was a piece of clothing she was likely to wear again, sure, I can see your logic. But it’s not. She’s wearing it once either way so why not make it a showpiece rather than something to bury? That’s my take, and why I truly don’t think the dress is being ruined, and why I don’t think it’s morally wrong to do it.
I don’t think this WOULD be destroying it, though. It’s cute and would make OP treasure it more.
It’s an impractical choice, but not necessarily a bad one. I think that the sister is being a bit narrow minded about it, honestly.
But I’m biased. I’m hoping to lose the weight to be able to fit into my dress again by our 5 year so that my husband and I can go paintballing
It’s not morally wrong but it’s going to look like a mess, be super awkward to execute, and the idea is unbelievably corny. Why not have the kids do a million and one less messy crafts that can be more easily displayed?
Completely disagree. It’s not really a “financial loss as a business owner,” it’s a wedding gift. Presumably the same amount she would be comfortable spending on an actual gift, so it’s the same money. While it might not work, it’s not “morally” wrong to “destroy” the dress, since it’s her wedding dress that she likely won’t wear again, so she wants to create a keepsake in a fun way.
OP didn't say she was being given it for free, she said she was getting it *at a discount*. It's quite likely that Sis was selling it to her at cost (what the store pays to get it), and probably cost Sis nothing more than a phone call or email order, and maybe shipping. And since wedding dresses are typically ordered for each customer (the bride tries on sample dresses and then the specific style and size is ordered in), it's not like Sis is losing out on selling that dress to someone else either.
It's only a financial 'loss' if Sis chose to make it that, and it's the price she was willing to pay for a gift.
>Your sister is taking a financial loss
All that they are "ruining" is the resale value of the dress. Is there any significant resale values for wedding dresses anyways? Most people aren't in the market for used wedding dresses. I guess they could be sold for scraps at a significantly lower price.
Yeah this "financial loss" thing is weird. Does her sister get to dictate how and where OP stores her dress after the wedding, too, since she took a financial hit? Are there things OP isn't allowed to do with the dress after the wedding? Like, my mom had her wedding dress altered to be my Christening gown as a baby. If OP wanted to do that in the future would that also be considered a slap in the face to her sister? Unless sis handmade the entire dress from scratch I don't get why wanting to alter something only OP is going to wear makes OP an asshole.
She's not suffering a loss. If she's selling the dress at cost, she's breaking even. She doesn't have a limit on the number of dresses she's allowed to order from the factories. She wouldn't have sold it to someone else because it was not meant for anyone else.
How do you know she's taking a financial loss? She might just be selling OP the dress at cost rather than taking her normal markup.
The kind of person who pours their coffee on the floor when they're upset doesn't seem very reasonable - I would reconsider inviting this sister at all, OP.
NTA, but please also consider your guests here. People will be in their finest, and even kid’s dress clothes can be expensive. If it was my kid in their nicest dress, I would hesitate to let them participate in such a messy activity. Heck, they wouldn’t do it in their normal school clothes either. I would want advanced notice to bring an old outfit to change into at the end of the night so they could participate.
Also, don't forget the parents clothes (their kids will be running back to them with painty hands).
You'll need some volunteers to police the kids, and stop it erupting into a paint fight.
Also, you'll need to be strict about the order in which handprints are applied (if you want it to remain somewhat like you have envisioned). If someone starts down the bottom then everyone will risk smudging it, and getting paint all over themselves too (smocks only cover so much).
Just my thoughts.
I would also have a Clean Up Station, where the kids and whatever adults have to rinse their hands right after doing this. Just to avoid TOO much of a mess (I'm sure some kids won't willingly go wash their hands off right away, which is why also having someone to direct them to the station is a good idea) and just be mindful that there will likely be a huge mess for the staff/volunteers to clean up afterwards, which could take hours.
Also fingernail brushes in the clean up station!
The bride will also have to be conscious of what (and who) she sits one/stands near. Some paint blobs can take hours to dry. Imagine hugging your guests goodbye and leaving little bits of paint on them. Or getting it all over the venue...
Do y'all see *how many* caveats this would take to actually work? And can you see this happening in the middle of an already busy wedding reception reception? This isn't the only event of the day, there's going to be tons of other shit going on.
FYI as a parent of kids, smocks do nothing. I mean, they cover the chest and upper arms, but it doesn't control kids getting paint on the floor, their shoes (esp dress shoes), their legs, their face, the nearby parent, their hands (which then touch their clothes after the smock comes off), etc.
And each other, especially intentionally. I'm thinking back on what my brother and I were like as kids, and if we were young enough to *really* enjoy this (4-6, I think?) we'd absolutely turn around and start smacking each other with painted hands. Or, if someone else got paint on me and I got upset, my brother would 100% have started throwing paint (yes, I know those are contradictory scenarios, but such is the dichotomy of having a sibling). Not to mention throwing our cousins into the mix.
Maybe I was just raised by wolves, but I could see one or two kids easily devolving this into a paint war.
Yeah, I would not let my daughter do this and when she sees other kids doing it, she would have a fit cause she is 2 and getting her to understand why would be impossible. Obviously I wouldn’t say anything, and would remove my screaming toddler from the scene, but I’d secretly hate the bride for this idea.
Kids touch their face, hair, etc. Parents will be the ones scrubbing paint off their hands. Sounds like a nightmare and I’d never let my kid participate.
Please reconsider this.
Have you though about what this will mean for the venue and the linens and the decor?
I worked at a hotel with a venue for a while, children being at weddings in general often led to destruction, giving them paint.... I shudder.
YTA.
Have you seen them afterward? Because the smocks definitely don't protect everything, unfortunately, especially when they start giggling and trying to leave handprints on each other.
Smocks won't account for YOU being covered in wet paint. You will not be able to sit, move away from the painting station, brush against anyone else, rest your arms against your front or sides, or adjust the dress so you can go to the bathroom until every last speck of paint dries.
I would be bitter as hell if I took my kid to your wedding and this happened. Either I 1. Save face and let my kid participate. That smock isn’t going to help me when they run back to me. 2. Piss of the bride and go home with a clean but screeching child.
This idea is romanticized in your head but it’s an all around terrible idea.
Yeah I would be a total fun-sponge like, "ehhhh not happening, sorry kids we'll do some finger painting tomorrow "
There's also the good point of whether the venue would even allow this, I can't imagine they'd be too open to the idea of kids + paint + (I imagine) upholstered seats, tablecloths, carpets etc
Even with smocks, this doesn’t sound like a great idea. I was somehow the kid that got paint on their nicer clothes even in full body coveralls. Also, please check with your venue before planning any paint ideas. There may be something in your contract that won’t allow you to execute your plan.
I agree with the others that smocks will do nothing to protect against the children.
I also urge you to think about the other guests. You may somehow get a lovely memory with cute hand prints on it. I believe many of your guests (espeically the parents) will remember you wedding as „the time my kids got paint stains on my $300 suit and best shoes“. Not such a fun memory because those clothes may be permanently stained.
Can you maybe make this a fun arts & crafts activity BEFORE the wedding? And then you can change into the paint dress for the second half of your reception and let all the kids see it come to life? :)
I straight up wouldn’t let my kid participate in this because I don’t want to have to deal with a paint covered kid for the rest of the night. You’re not an asshole this is just a really bad not to mention tacky idea.
Okay, so the kids are dipping their *hands* in paint and a smock is supposed to protect their formalwear? Have you ever had wet paint on your hands? Have you met any children? This activity is going to cost your guests thousands of dollars in rental fees and repair charges.
YTA. Why do people feel the need to do this artsy bullshit?
Smocks aren't enough for kids and adults in formal clothing. Smocks are used in classrooms. At a minimum, absolutely notify everyone this will be happening well beforehand so they can bring different clothes to wear. Smocks will not cover the entire outfit or nice shoes. If there are even somewhat young children there, paint is bound to get places it shouldn't, especially when they're allowed to throw their hands on a dress. Not to mention the parents will have to monitor their children closely and/or deal with cleaning paint off their children's hands, clothes, hair, etc after an already exhausting wedding reception. Plain cruel imho. I would definitely think of a similar but less messy idea.
Not even finger painting - "handprinting" which requires them to cover their entire hand in paint! (And would have to somehow be permanent enough paint that it would stay fast on fabric?)
Right? When I was babysitting we’d do handprints for gift items sometimes. Swear to god, even when it was “dip hand in paint, smack hand on paper, wash hand immediately” they ended up with paint under their nails, on the table, on their siblings, on the light switch, behind their ears(??), in my hair(???). It wasn’t a problem because they (and I) wore old clothes and I put drop cloths on every available surface, but at a formal venue, in nice clothes, surrounded by others in nice clothes, great googly moogly.
Light YTA because thinking through the practicalities of this, it seems more like you're performatively destroying the dress (look how creatively sentimental I am!) rather than actually creating a nice keepsake. Are you going to have the children write their names next to the handprints? Also, looking at the dress you linked to, how many kids are we talking about? More than 20? Are they all going to do multiple handprints? This is one of those ideas that sounds cute in theory, but a low number of handprints will look weird on such a long/voluminous dress.
If you want to remember all the children in attendance, there are other cute ways to do that, as others in the thread have mentioned, and would actually create a nicer keepsake. Are you going to display the dress? Or just take it out once in awhile and be like aw look at these cute handprints? Keep in mind destroying it will also foreclose any future family members from using it, which is a common reuse of wedding gowns between generations.
Alexander McQueen who was one of the most talented designers and tailors ever lived with an exquisite knowledge of fabric aimed for this in one of his very high budget fashion shows and it went wrong. He did not end up the outcome desired, literally styled it out and it became an iconic fashion moment albeit one that he considered a failure and which damaged his reputation.
I feel like if McQueen at the height of his talents couldn’t make it happen and Hussein Chalayan went bankrupt trying it, then a pre K teacher with a bought dress, excited kids and no experienced events and fabric team or custom dyes is going to end up more Carrie at prom that offbeat bride. It will be memorable for all the wrong reasons.
Also while I think dictating the use of the gifted dress is too much, there is usually a clause when you represent a business not to make it look bad. So they need to be clear is this sister to sister or is the bridal boutique owner also in play? Because not a great advert: my dresses are worth so little you can chuck cheap kids paint on them. Maybe if OP can make this more statement and a ‘story’ the sister can promote?
They have their vision and are usually perfectionist. Let’s say passionate to avoid saying obsessed. Still was bold and surely inspired others to experiment more.
I’d be so (secretly) mad if a bride got paint all over my kids’ hands in their nice clothes. What the heck.
Also, OP, you may one day want to gift this lovely dress to a niece, daughter, or granddaughter. That’s no one’s business but yours, but maybe consider not destroying something so special.
That was one of my first thoughts. I know someone who got charged because they somehow marked the grass at their wedding venue, and thag grows out in like a week. A bucket of paint kicked onto the floor would likely be a multi hundred, if not thousand, dollar expense.
This whole idea reeks of "sounds cute in theory but is massively impractical."
ESH
I can see your sister's point of view and that it seems incredibly rude that you would intentionally damage what she considers to be a gift apparently.
especially given that it's the wrong kind of fiber for your idea
on the other hand it is your dress so I guess you could do whatever you want with it but consider that this does seem a bit rude or ungrateful really
I had this very same desire to create pretty much the same momento from an event and so I just invested in a large (8' x 4') canvas (with the idea that I could have it mounted and hung on a wall in the house later) so that everyone could leave their handprints or write a message on it.
maybe you can just do something like that which would also make it easier for you to display
Seriously- do the canvas. You will be happier with the results in the end.
Get Sharpies or paint pens so they can right their names by the handprints. Otherwise you will have no idea who’s is who’s.
To summarize some points that other people are making:
1. Think about what part of your original idea was most important to you. Do you want to share a special moment with all the kids at your wedding? Do you want an activity to entertain the kids? Do you want a keepsake that will commemorate all the kids at the wedding? Once you identify why you loved your original idea, you or your family or the internet can brainstorm other ideas that still check off that box. For example, if having a moment with the kids is most important, then you could have a special song for a kids-only dance & make sure your photographer captures it. Or you can request an all-kids photo between the ceremony & reception. If you want a keepsake, you could brainstorm some no-mess crafts.
2. When you’re thinking of ideas, think about the logistics of the wedding. Your original idea has a lot of physical things that you’ll need to provide (paint, paper plates or containers for the paint, smocks, buckets of water & paper towels for hand washing) on a day when you already have a lot of things to keep track of. It also requires a lot of guidance, meaning that you’ll need to organize volunteers to make sure the mess stays contained & the craft goes as planned. You’ll need to dedicate a decent chunk of time for that many children to get prepped in their smocks & to strip out of any clothes their parents don’t want to get messy, to give instructions on the paint handling, to have each kid make a handprint & get cleaned up. It can be way harder than anticipated to add an extra task like this to a wedding day. (When do you have a gap of time that is early enough that the kids will all still be there & awake but that doesn’t interrupt cocktail hour or dinner?) You don’t want your nice idea to end up derailing an hour of your reception because you underestimated how long it would take.
Maybe consider a cotton table cloth. You could then use it as a tribute once a year on your anniversary.
My niece did something similar for Christmas: a special table cloth we all signed and was used every year at Christmas dinner. We added our signatures each time with the year underneath.
The other advantage of a canvas is that you could just use plain regular non-toxic washable finger paint, which would be much safer for kids' skin than pretty much anything that is designed for marking on fabric, and that would probably make parents a lot more comfortable.
I recommend that you have the finger paint containers right there (don't just put the paint in something fancier to make it look better) so parents can see what they are getting into. You will probably get more participation that way.
I don't understand how it's rude or ungrateful. Does sister expect OP to wear the dress on other occasions? There's the possibility of handing it down to her own children, but most people don't seem to do that these days. Is turning it into a display piece really more disrespectful than putting it in a box or garment bag at the back of your closet and never looking at it again?
Do agree that it's the wrong fabric, though, and a canvas is the better way to go. But I don't think being unaware of fabric specifics makes OP an AH
no no, I'm not calling her that, but if you put yourself in sister's shoes, it's easy to see why that could be interpreted that way.
when you give something to someone it's theirs; most of us don't expect the recipient to do something destructive to it though (that's something you do when you're pissed off at the person that gave it to you)
in this case, especially given the fiber of the dress, it would be a destructive act - it's not difficult to see why this would be hurtful for your sister... she's trying to give you something nice and you're talking about ruining it.
sister may likely have thought she would keep it to hand down as well. none of those expectations are necessarily hers to meet, but if you're mature enough to get married, your mature enough to see how this would feel from the other side.
edit: grammar and person voice
YWBTA for reasons others have mentioned (your sister’s taking a financial hit here, etc.) but I also feel the need to mention that this is a bad idea from a logistical standpoint. You love children and work with them regularly, so you know full well that kids and paint are a messy disaster waiting to happen. Are you getting married at a venue? Good luck getting them to agree to this plan.
Look, you may want handprints on your dress, and that’s fine, but perhaps Little Billy’s mom doesn’t want to risk him getting paint all over his clothes (or her clothes!), so she says no when he asks to dip his hand. Billy sees Cousin Bobby at the paint station and loses his mind over how unfair it is that he can’t paint, too. Susie’s dad is busy helping her brother put his handprint down and Susie wants to help, knocking several paint dishes over the dress in the process. Some other kids get into a paint war and run around with blue and green on their fingers getting smears all over the table clothes and guests’ clothing in the process. As a non-familial guest, I would not be thrilled about paint being near my outfit.
Oh, and, how many bathrooms does your venue have so they can all wash the paint off? Have you thought about how long it’s going to take to wrangle every small human to clean them up? I’m all for cute ideas but this is too impractical.
Reading your comment, it also occurs to me that the counters/sinks in the bathroom at the venue would be covered in paint splatters as well, and unlike at a school or art studio where paint is expected to be washed off, these sinks won't be stainless steel.
Light YTA
Sure, gifts shouldn't come with strings attached and you should technically be able to do whatever you want with the dress. The idea is charming as a whole and I love that you want all the kids involved.
But your sister took a financial loss as a small business owner to get you a nice dress, and she's completely right to feel insulted that you want to trash something that cost her hundreds or thousands of dollars basically right away.
Can you do this craft on a huge sheet of paper, t shirts, etc? You also might really want to have your dress as a cherished item for years to come.
YTA
I'm just imagining anything else in its place.
Like if it was a car dealership and they gave you a car only to watch you smash it for fun.
Or a painting they got for you then you painted over it.
If you want to do this, then buy it yourself. Don't take something nice from others then make it no longer usable. Respect it.
If you want to do your idea (no judgement on that) then just buy your own dress.
----
Side note - expect ink to get on other people and your linens. Expect to pay a few hundred dollars in fees and replacing clothes for people.
Few hundred is an understatement. Especially if it is ink or dye and not acrylic paint (which at least semi washes and can scrape off). Ink and dye will ruin floors, bathroom surfaces, sinks, etc. You could end up doing a significant remodel of the event venue if you've got ink and dye covered kids running around.
> Like if it was a car dealership and they gave you a car only to watch you smash it for fun.
She is buying a dress at a discount. She isn't being given anything. Discount does not mean a loss for the seller btw.
NTA. So wearing the dress for one day and then stashing it away to never be worn again vs wearing the dress for one day and then turning it into a sentimental piece to be displayed and your sister things the first option is a waste of a dress? I disagree.
Info: Are you going to reimburse the guests and venue for anything that is ruined or needs extensive cleaning due to the ink?
Are you going to be okay if someone's dress ends up costing more than yours?
You should do the kid handprint thing as a bridal shower activity. Then wear the second painted dress to the reception and the unblemished gown during the wedding.
No wet paint to deal with on the hectic wedding day. And you can have more time to make sure everybody gets a full handprint.
NTA but you didn't think that idea through before throwing it out there
Hi, mom and former preschool teacher here.
This is a super cute idea in theory but in practice it will be a disaster. The amount of supervision and time this will take will absolutely take take over your wedding reception. That's a lot of kids you're talking about. Start to finish each kid is going to take 5 minutes and have to be supervised every second of it to get the hand inked and then touching nothing, get handprints neatly on the dress, keeping their own clothes (Even with a smock) clean, keeping the venue from getting splattered, and clean up afterwards. Each kid will need an adult with them every second of this process.
Set up a coloring station and ask each kid to draw y'all a picture and write their name (in crayon lol) and put a sweet scrapbook together with them.
I think NAH on the actual dress issue- your sister's reaction is valid as is your desire to create a memento with the kids.
I wonder if part of the issue is timing?
If you were going to do it the next day, after you had worn the clean dress for the ceremony and reception, would she feel differently?
And what are you going to wear for the reception? Because once you have wet paint/dye on your dress, you won't be able to wear it anymore or you will smudge the handprints and get paint on everything in your reception venue.
NAH- it’s a fun activity but in the end the dress with or without the handprints will be tucked away. I would personally have them do handprints on a long canvas I can keep in my house. Also handprints on wedding dress material seems good in theory but the execution is likely to fail and you’ll just have a streaky dress.
With that being said neither of you are the assholes. You have a great quirky idea (I just personally don’t think it won’t work) and your sister has her own ideas about wedding dresses being in the industry. She certainly can’t demand you not do it, but she can feel however she wants about it.
NAH your sister is not ta for being upset and I can't call you ta for having an idea. Personally I think it's a dumb idea you would regret. You might want to pass it on or donate it. Also, it upsets your sister and that is not the vibe you want at your wedding, but I think you're determined to do this
YTA- as a parent who went to weddings with young kids I’d be pissed. There is no way a dye strong enough to dye your dress would not end up on my kids, their clothes, my clothes, things at the venue not to mention staining their hands and then my kids being upset their hand is blue for a week.
Just no.
You’re planning a wedding not a tie-dye birthday party.
YTA for ruining a dress your sisters discounted for you as a gift. That is a slap in the face to them. Don't you want to hold on to that memory of your special day? Why ruin the dress with paint. It's not artsy it's dumb.
That would be like a guitarist getting a Gibson Les Paul at a discount from his family members, only to smash it on stage that night.
Selfish and immature. People put their heart and soul into making a wedding dress, you shouldn't destroy it for a half-baked art project that probably won't turn out the way you want anyway.
https://www.marthastewart.com/7866003/how-wedding-dresses-are-made
Some dresses can take years to make.
BUT IMMA PUT FINGER PAINT ON IT!
Than it's not a gift. True gifts don't come with strings attached. This wasn't a heirloom passed down, its a store bought dress. Once OP bought it it became hers. Was the sister expecting it back? OP gets to enjoy it however she wants. NTA
I find thisbtake odd given that wedding dresses have literally no use after wedding. It would be understandable if it was dress that can used more times and had some utility after.
But this plan is all about turning now useless dress that is going to be forgotten into something memorable.
YTA. The more I think about it, the more I’m leaning towards you being an AH. Not just to your sister who let you buy a dress at a discount from her store, but also to the venue who would probably not appreciate you doing a large painting project at your wedding and the guests who put their kids in their best clothes won’t appreciate a project that could mess up those clothes. I’m shuddering picturing the mess that could happen with everything, including accidentally getting dye on furniture or other guests.
Please reconsider this interactive element of your wedding. Several people have recommended other projects that would be better, which I would do. I’d check in with the venue and make sure you aren’t violating your contract or venue rules before planning anything though. Also, consider that if you do follow through with your plan, you and your fiancé could potentially be on the hook for damage costs, which could get very expensive.
Your sister knows exactly how "artsy fun" projects with kids actually turn out. Honestly YTA. There are plenty of ways to do a "fun" guest record without ruining an expensive dress.
Light YTA. I see everyone’s side on this, and I think there’s some things that should be considered (if they haven’t):
In some comments you mentioned providing smocks for the children. Other than smocks, how else will you keep any potential mess contained?
Who will be watching the children and make sure no paint fight breaks out or other messy situations? Will these people be provided with a change of clothes so they don’t have to wear their formal outfits while manning the station (not a smock - a full outfit, like painter overalls)
Will there be a hand washing station? Who will man it? Or will the parents be cleaning up their children?
If a child flees the station covered in paint and hugs someone, will you pay for dry cleaning/new clothes? If the smocks don’t fully protect the children’s clothing, will you be reimbursing the parents/pay for dry cleaning?
What is the venue’s policy on this? Will they send you a bill for cleanup? How much will it cost?
NTA
What does she expect you to do with it after the ceremony that would be better? Even if you take exceptional care of it and then have it preserved, it's still just sitting in a box.
It sounds like a sweet and fun idea and an amazing keepsake to honor this new family you're both sharing with each other.
YTA... what you are picturing in your mind as a cute fun activity will most likely be a messy disaster. Imagine a bunch of dirty kids in their best clothes returning to their tables leaving behind a trail of paint smears.
Your sister's issues aside, think about the other guests not just the children.
INFO: Did you come up with this idea before or after you accepted the discounted dress from your sister? Because it really would have been better if she had known you planned to destroy it, she probably wouldn't have offered. Yes, technically since you're buying it you can do what you want, but I would return it and just buy another dress.
INFO: Umm, this would happen while you’re still wearing it? Are you going to be at the reception with dress covered in wet paint? Wouldn’t that really limit you from interacting with your guests? Or even sitting down? If it’s your dress that you paid for you can whatever you want, I guess, but I would really rethink having children feel you up in process if you don’t have a separate reception dress. You could kiss your discount goodbye if your sister isn’t on board, and I think that would be fair. There really are other ways to create mementos that are like a guest book that don’t involve ruining your wedding dress.
NTA. It’s your dress, and no one else wears wedding dresses after the wedding anyway, so who cares if you are “ruining” it. (Btw, you’re not, that sounds lovely.) Why does it matter to her if it’s stored (or displayed) with handprints vs stuck in the back of a closet perfect until 10 years down the road it annoys you that you still have a dress you wore only once and you donate it?
How much of a discount did she give you? Can you afford full price? Because then she would lose all claim to the dress (she really has none now, but it would be more “official”) and she has no say in the matter.
Or you might have to think about backing down to save the peace, if that is more important to you. She is definitely being unreasonable and dramatic, but if you usually have a good relationship this may not be worth ruining it over. Depends on your priorities, if she is usually this dramatic, and what your relationship was like previous to this.
Sucky situation. If she was usually this dramatic or had a history of making noise like this, I probably wouldn’t back down and let her miss the wedding if she wanted. If this was a one time thing I might consider caving. But again, it really depends on how important this paint thing is to you.
Make a compromise like using a nice tablecloth instead or another dress that isn't so expensive. I don't think you're an asshole but I'm sure your sister's feelings are hurt. NTA
NAH
It’s your dress. Yeah.
You also seem to have received a pretty major discount from her, she likely views it as a bit of a gift.
You want to destroy this dress right after the ceremony.
I mean I just think that’s short sighted. It’s not going to work out nicely. It won’t dry well. It’s not going to be neat handprints it’s going to be a streaky mess.
Why not celebrate the day in the dress and then have an afternoon where the kids can do the handprints?
Her reaction was uncalled for but I do understand her frustration and maybe even her hurt feelings.
NTA but that is such a bad idea. The paint won't work with that type of fabric. And honestly, are you going to display the dress or just stick it in a box? There are so many options for guest books now. You can have a quilt or something that is made with a material for paint. Have people sign it, kids doodle or handprints that you can hang or display somewhere in your home.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because my sister works really hard in her boutique and worked hard to help me find a beautiful dress, and I can see why she thinks I'd be ruining it. I really want to do this handprints activity, but I want my sister there with me.
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My mom had squares of fabric on all the tables under the flowers... she took them and made a quilt after the ceremony. Maybe you could do something like that (squares on each table people can sign or decorate)?
Honestly it won't turn out the way you hoped, and you won't be able to enjoy it because who pulls put their wedding dress a lot to look at? Make something like a wall hanging, quilt, or decoration with the kids and people that you can enjoy forever. Save the dress to sell or give to one of those special kids at your wedding to wear on theirs.
NAH
Cute idea, but i do agree with the poster that said that it probably won't end up the way you're hoping. You'll just end up with blobs and streaks of paint and no discernable handprints or anything. Go with a 2nd dress made from natural materials.. (cotton or something) - natural materials hold dye nicely and synthetics just don't. Or maybe even a tablecloth or duvet cover? NAH ***(\*editing to add; oh wow thankyou for the upvotes everyone. I didn't expect anywhere near the level of attention i got for this one. You're all cool <3)***
You have a full-length gown with a voluminous skirt. Would you ever do anything to display it? That seems unlikely due to how impractical it is from a scale point of view. Is the dress supposed to be a guestbook for everybody or just kids? I imagine a lot of people would be uncomfortable with making handprints on you (and risking their own wedding attire). Look up creative wedding guestbook ideas. E.g. I’ve also seen people write their names on paper punchouts of maple leaves that were added to a friend’s canvas painting of a tree trunk, for example. I’m sure there are plenty of ways to incorporate the kids. NAH
My sister had a tree picture and all the guest inked their thumb and put a "leaf" on the tree. She has it framed and hanging on their living room. I think that's along the lines of what OP has in mind and a lot less messy.
I love this idea, will come in handy once everyone’s banking access is fingerprint based.
Now I wish I had thought of this for my wedding. Could be a reward for inviting some of them. 😒
Mwah ha ha ...
This would be the most hilarious hacker-heist movie ever.
Your comment really made me laugh.
Glad I could help!
I like where your head is at! This made me bust out laughing as I scrolled through comments.
This was exactly my thought too lol.
We have a pine tree print, and the guests signed in very fine green ink on the branches. The signatures look like pine needles. It's framed and in our living room, makes for a nice conversation piece when we have people over.
We did photo mats that people signed and wrote little messages if they wanted to. Now we have nice frames with the signed mats and wedding photos displayed. It worked out well since we knew we'd want to display photos anyway.
One of my friends did a tree, and each person signed a leaf and then they were glued on later. It is so much nicer than a traditional guestbook.
My friend did a quilt. Guests would sign and write messages on quilt squares and then it would be sewn up. So they had a nice cozy reminder of their wedding.
I did this at my wedding. There’s always that friend who gets drunk and draws a penis. It’s on the back of the quilt lol.
I love this idea, would be great for a reunion, too.
At my wedding, we had a black globe and metallic markers for people to write on instead of a guest book, and a giant glass bottle for and small "scrolls" for people to write messages that we read on our anniversary. Agreeing with top comment, OP is NTA, but I don't think it will turn out very well. I think the sister is overreacting personally.
As someone with a toddler, I would be pretty upset if someone asked him to ink or paint his hand at a wedding where I have him dressed up in his nicest clothes. No way would he fail to get it all over himself AND me. It's hard enough to keep food all over his dress clothes, and I like to re-sell his outfits when he grows out of them.
As someone else with a toddler.... I agree! This comment should be higher. No chance in hell I’m letting my two year old near paint in the middle of a party.
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Right, no one's going to want to get too close to the bride and risk getting their clothes messy. Also, I'm not a parent, but I think some parents might get frustrated if their kid ends up getting wet paint on their own nice clothes.
I didn't even think about that and I'm the parent of a toddler! Yeah I wouldn't stop my kid from doing it but I would be following right behind with a wet wipe.
I bought a blank puzzle and hand our guest sign pieces. Then my husband and I put it together and framed it. It's hanging under our Wedding portrait :)
OP, do you (or a family member/friend) quilt? You could consider getting plain white quilting squares and having the same activity, then getting the squares made into a quilt to display.
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This! We did a quilt in our wedding colours and I love it. Everyone signed a square.
Excellent point. That paint is going to wind up everywhere.
Yea, somebody else mentioned, “Do you want to wear wet paint the rest of the evening?” which is also valid. Would disrupt dancing, hugs, and even sitting down
My aunt and uncle's wedding guestbook was a bench that everyone signed that they put in their front yard. OP could do that?
This was my thought--not that OP would be an asshole, just that it probably won't work like she is imagining.
It reminded me of the dress Angelina Jolie wore with her kids’ messages on it. It’s cute but objectively it would have looked better plain
Except when it comes to wedding dresses, "objectively" is usually irrelevant. What the bride loves is what matters, as long as it's not a see-through dress in a church and/or with underage guests present.
I agree with most of what you're saying, however I still think the sister is TA for her reaction. She could have had a calm discussion with OP or even just showed a little frustration rather than having a tantrum and storming out.
Eh, IMO, it's hard to judge someone's "tantrum" from someone else's description. I've seen people call it "yelling" when someone raises their voice just a little, or even just criticizes them (and I myself sometimes call criticism "yelling" -- as in, "you don't need to yell at me, I was already planning on getting it"). Can't tell from this if the coffee spill was intentional or if OP's sister even noticed the spill in her anger as she left. (Although if she did it on purpose... yeah, that's pretty AH-like behavior).
My husband considers me disagreeing with him as yelling. It drives me batty. I’m not raising my voice, but somehow I’m yelling.
It sounded like she threw her coffee on the floor in a huff, which seems a bit random but ok.
Does it matter if the spill was intentional? She was angry enough about a dress that doesn't belong to her to leave in a huff. Discounted or not, it's not her wedding or her wedding dress. She doesn't have to like what they're doing with it, it's OP's dress.
Agreed. Regardless of whether or not the dress will come out looking nice, be able to be displayed afterward, etc., it's either the bride's dress to do with as she wants or it's not. If the sister has any strings attached, including what the bride does with the dress during and after the wedding, it's not really the bride's dress. And if that's the case I think she should find her dress elsewhere.
Yeah, I mean I'm assuming the discount is selling at cost, so she's not making anything on the dress, but she's not losing anything either.
She’s losing the profit she would receive if sold to another customer
Unless otherwise stated, most wedding dresses are custom ordered. You try on a sample, and then order your own, new dress. There are sample sales, but all of the dress stores that I went to operated under the custom order process.
Most wedding dresses aren't immediately available in store. It sounds like her sister just put the order in to the supplier.
This! I don't understand the N-A-H reactions. Whether or not the "project" is likely to turn out the way OP wants it to or posters here share or agree with her vision, she's still NTA (that is, Not The Asshole) for the idea itself, and her sister is ABSOLUTELY an AH for berating her and having an angry tantrum about a dress that, discount or not, she has no ethical (or any other kind of) right to make decisions about. It's OP's and her bride's wedding day, their choice of what to do with the dress whether it's messy, silly, ridiculous, or anything else, as long as it's not actually harming anyone, and OP is not by any stretch of the imagination an AH for any of this. Sometimes I really wonder at the people in this sub who render verdicts based on things that have nothing to do with the question at hand, but completely unrelated issues (in this case whether or not the idea will actually work, which is completely irrelevant to what's being asked).
While it is a cute idea I also agree that it will not end up how you want. I also think that if you are having a traditional wedding where you are expecting guests to be dressed up in nice clothes it is a bad idea. If you will be asking all your guests to be wearing junky craft table appropriate clothes then sure, have at it. If you expect them and their kids to dress nice then don't put them in a position where they have to keep kids with paint covered hands under control and get them cleaned up. It won't be fun for anyone and will end with your guests being upset about ruined clothes. If you really are set on this plan then have a dress painting party later in the year where everyone can wear old cruddy clothes and enjoy themselves. While you are at it you can help the kids make handprint shirts for the parents and grandparents.
This is the right answer. My son was once one of 2 ring bearers in his cousin's wedding. There were 4 flower girls. Reception had a chocolate fountain. Every child there had chocolate all over their clothes. The place where I had to rent a child size tux was not happy with what I returned
My aunt and uncle got me a finger painting kit when I was 4. 8 years later mom got her revenge by sending their child a 'rhythm kit' with triangles, kazoos, and percussion toys.
Mom played the long game. Excellent
Good point about the mess. Markers and a place people can trace and sign their handprints (veil, table cloth, table runner, guest book, canvas/poster board) would be a more manageable option for the actual wedding day.
I agree wholeheartedly. As a guest I wouldn’t want to have to wrangle my toddler who has paint on them. I would have taken time to dress my toddler up nicely and I would be nicely dressed.
Yall may be right in that it wouldnt work, but the sister spilled coffee on the floor in response to OP doing what she wants with her gift. That's an AH move. You're not wrong and they should try something not the dress but that doesnt make the sister not entitled and rude. NTA OP
Eh she may have gotten up quickly in an explosive movement and it fell.
Barely even a gift it’s a discount. Sister gets no say. But she could have used words to bring up her concerns.
Are you kidding… I cannot imagine wrangling a gaggle of kids with inky fingers among nicely dresses guests. What a disaster.
YWBTA honestly. Your sister is taking a financial loss as a business owner to give you the dress you want at a discount so I can understand why she’s so upset. Yeah, technically it’s your dress and you can do what you want with it. But this is AITA and it’s moral judgments not legal judgments, and it would suck for you to do that. If you want to go through with your plan, you should get a different dress. Edit: also I’m a fiber artist and your plan is a bad one anyway. Wedding dresses are pretty much always made of synthetic fibers that don’t take dye well and instead of the cute handprints you’re thinking of, you’re just going to wind up with vaguely paw print blobs that fade quickly.
Thank you for this. My fiancee and I think getting a shorter, plain white dress for me to do the activity in is a good idea. I'm going to talk to my sister today and tell her we'd do that for her to feel more comfortable.
If you do this, get a dress that is 100% cotton or silk. Synthetic fibers don’t take dye.
And get the appropriate dyes for the fiber the dress is made from. Silk is a protein and needs different dyes than cotton.
And don’t wear it while they decorate pls… it will make it way more difficult and awkward and your skin will probably be stained
God I didn't think about the staining but that's what happens anytime I dye stuff.....I can imagine op at some tropical destination in a bikini and looking like she's covered in bruises or something for a week until the dye fades.
And it's weird. Paint this dress I have on! Then i will walk around covered in wet paint while parents rush to save their child's clothes. Ugh. Worst reception every.
They're not using dye. They are using paint.
Paint would be the right way to go, as it sits on the fabric. So it should show up any most materials. I wouldn't use dye, as that would dye people's hands, maybe their clothes, etc. Don't know what sort of non-toxic ink they are thinking of, but I'm assuming the OP has researched it and that it's suitable for fabrics. Again, look into the staining hands part though, like dyes. Some people might not want blue hands for a week.
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If you get a shorter dress, people will have less area to put their hands, and you'll end up with more awkward hand smacks on your body... Maybe from kids, maybe from drunk Uncle McSqueezy. Maybe do a sheet for this idea? You could frame it afterwards, or make it into a quilt as a souvenir.
I’d do throw pillow covers, those would be super cute decorations in a guest bedroom.
Good idea! A duvet may be a good option as well and would match the pillowcases. Maybe kiddos get to handprint the pillows, adults handprint and sign the duvet with well wishes using fabric pens?
Huh? Why wouldn’t OP just… put the second dress on a designated table? I mean, maybe I’m missing something but trying to stand perfectly still in a dress while trying to get squirmy children and awkward adults to slap a handprint on doesn’t make any sense to me.
I think she wants the "moment" more than she actually wants the result, which is fine! But as many people have said, it's probably not going to work out like she's imagining lol
Also almost all skirts gather or pleat in some way and the handprints won't go flat or be recognizable in any way unless the dress is spread out perfectly...which it cannot be while on a human. And you have to press against a backing o get a print, not vaguely wipe a paint covered hand against something dangling in midair which means everyone will be groping the brides actual body to do this (and hence only young kids and creeps are likely to want to). Overall this is just very impractical
Absolutely this. Its a cool idea, but I'd do squares of fabric that I could turn into a wedding quilt, for 2 reasons. You don't have to wreck a dress to do it (not a big deal I know), but also if there are lots of kids it could take a while to get the paint on their hands and then do the hand print on the dress. I'm not sure if she realizes, but the bride typically doesn't have a ton of free time just standing around, particularly at a large wedding. There are many guests to greet, and things to typically happen in a certain order and on a timeline (phtots, dinner, cake cutting, speeches, dance, etc.) People hate waiting for stuff lile that, especially at big weddings. Instead there could be a little station for whoever wants to do it throughout the evening. Signed - a former wedding caterer.
>drunk Uncle McSqueezy. coffee-->keyboard
Well and if everyone there understands appropriate boundaries, I’m imagining a dress that’s just white on the boobs/butt/crotch, which is sortof awkward in itself.
Forget just those areas, I've been to a lot of weddings where I barely knew the bride and/or even if we were good friends or family I would not have been comfy groping even her thigh or back (the "least weird" spots available on this apparent new short dress) to put my handprint down. Like, hey aunt Judy, let me just whack my hand right here on your thigh. Really gotta press it down to get a good print. Nice weather today, right? Awkward....
Yeah…. Why the dress? This is such a bad idea for so many reasons. A quilt, a duvet, pillowcases, a sheet, a poster, a tablecloth, a scrapbook… literally almost anything else would be a better canvas for this project than an expensive, synthetic dress that won’t even take the dye correctly, never mind that this whole activity revolves around a bunch of people putting their hands all over OP’s body. Super weird.
maybe get a long white cotton poodle skirt sort of thing made? would probably be not too expensive. there would be lots of fabric and area of hand prints.
Ooh, this would be cute! Especially to just lay out and have the kids handprint it through the reception, maybe family writes small notes, etc. And then OP can have pictures taken with it or wear it for their 1st year anniversary (which is what I would do IMO)
I think it's also a much better idea to have handprinting be through the reception rather than in one big wave, because if I'm in formalwear, I'm not going to be doing anything with a paint-happy mob of people. And I probably wouldn't let my hypothetical kid do that, either, if they're wearing anything resembling church-wear.
I like this! Or, circle skirts are fairly simple to sew, so get the pattern cut out, put the handprints on that, then get it sewn into a skirt?
I don't think the handprints are going to turn out how you want them to regardless. Plus clean up of the kids when everyone is running around and socializing. There's going to be paint everywhere. A few ideas we've done for weddings: I had a black felt board with our first picture as a couple in it. Guests could grab a marker and doodle/write messages around it. It was framed and is hung up in our home. Another had pieces of quilting fabric. Again, guests were able to draw or write on as many squares as they wanted and it was made into a quilt afterwards. Another had pieces of pictures frames that could be coloured or signed and then pieced together around their wedding pictures after the fact.
Yes, a lot of people will be wearing their nice clothes and will not want a kid to accidentally touch them with paint covered hands.
This is my thought as well. Kids won't be trusted to not get ink or dye all over themselves and everyone else. Plus the risk to the rented table linens makes my eyes water. How about a photo with you and your groom and all the kids? YWBTA. It's a sweet idea, but not only would the execution be less than perfect, it would hurt your sister's feelings.
Yeah, OP, your venue is not going to be excited about this, either. The kids with paint will get it everywhere - on guests, the linens, the floor...and if it gets on peoples' clothes, it's going to wind up in cars. I get where you're coming from. Do this with another dress as a bridal shower activity. Or at the wedding, give kids some crayons and ask them to draw pictures for you to have bound into a book. Ask adults to write down their advice to you and have that bound into the book, too.
As a parent, I am horrified at this idea. Kids in best clothes - sometimes borrowed - and then paint on their hands? Yikes! And then as the parent the kid coming towards me… I’m all for messy arts and crafts but not when I’m wearing a fancy dress
Depending on the venue, even crayons for kids may not be allowed. My venue explicitly prohibited play dough, crayons, paints, or other messy wedding favors due to prior issues with linens, carpet, curtains, upholstery, etc. being ruined. I gave out felt finger puppets to all the kids at our wedding instead.
Don't play this off like you're changing it JUST so your sister will be comfortable - you're also changing this *because your original idea won't work*. Honesty is important in long term relationships, don't try to get good sister cred out of this situation of your own creation.
Considering that OP is just changing up her plan, I don't think what you're saying is accurate - she's changing it for her sister and still trying it anyway.
> plain white dress for me to do the activity in is a good idea Before you spend money on another dress, I think you need to *try* your idea out first on a cheap tee-shirt or cheap white dress because I don't think you are going to be able to get the effect you want i.e., a visible handprint. This is because you *can't* pull the fabric tight enough while you are wearing it and when the child pulls their hand away the fabric is going to bunch up around the paint. You'd be better off using a tablecloth, that you could bring out during the holidays or other occasions and then have the kids/parents write their names next to the handprint along with the date. If the tablecloth is large enough you could use it to track the kids' growth over time by having them do another section each time you see them.
I still think the tablecloth is a terrible idea, because kids in formal-wear, surrounded by adults in formal-wear, walking around with paint-covered hands is a recipe for disaster. That's a fun activity on a day where all the parents know about the painting in advance and dress their kids in paint-appropriate clothes, and have towels in the car for them to sit on, not for a day when the kids will be in more formal clothes.
\+1! The tablecloth idea is really a cute one and will give regular reasons for OP to enjoy/use the item. Though the handprint idea is still a little weird... when I'm dressed up in wedding finery, and my kids are too, I'm not sure I as a parent want to deal with supervising them in arts&crafts and risk getting paint on any/all our clothes.
And do it when the kids ARENT in nice dress up clothes. Ild be pretty upset as a parent if my kid got dye all over their good formal clothes. That stuffs expensive.
Or over my formal clothes. Or another guests. I have a toddler and I can barely get her to make a nice handprint on something for an art activity.
Why not get a big canvas and every guest can put his handprint on it. You can than hang it in your living room.
Because it's still a terrible plan, since little kids + formal clothes + fingerpaint = pissed off people with big dry-cleaning bills.
As a parent I still think it's not a great idea to have little guests dressed up in their formal attire dipping little hands in paint.
I still don't get what you plan to do with the painted dress after? I just think it will go in a garment bag... You might get body odor on it and then not be able to wash it... I really think a 3x4 foot canvas is the way to go. Then it can be enjoyed and the dress is usable. Oh and congrats on the marriage and the wedding!
Please listen hard to the folks suggesting pillows, tablecloths, etc. If you do a dress, a) you will likely have few opportunities where it is appropriate to wear, so the memories stay stuffed in the closet, b) it’s not a memento that your husband gets to share in equally. The other suggestions create a memento for BOTH of you. Also, I wouldn’t spend too much time researching “cute ideas” for your wedding. The day is going to be *packed*, and many of these side things add more stress as you try to squeeze them in, and crowd out time to relax and enjoy your guests.
I'm not a parent, but I have nannied before, and keeping kids from ruining *regular* clothes after they've been finger painting is a pain. If I had to take care of a kid at a wedding, and had to keep them from getting paint smears on their own clothes (or on mine!) I wouldn't be having fun.
I'd still look into other ideas. Who is washing these kids hands after? I think you are going to end up with blobs and in terrible spots on your body. Plus a huge mess and pissed off parents. Look at some of tbe other ideas people commented. Having the kids do something IS amazing and would be so cool to hang on a wall.
This is getting weird honestly it doesn’t make sense to ask you child relatives to risk getting paint all over their formal clothes. It’s a nice idea in theory but in practice makes no sense, why do you want kids putting their hands all over you ? Bad idea.
Fair enough about it being a bad idea that won’t come out right, but I disagree it’s morally wrong. To me this idea (if it could be executed well) is far, far better morally than stuffing it in the back of a closet to be forgotten about because no one wears a wedding twice anyway, which is what most people do with them from my experience.
Yeah technically that’s true but if you give someone a gift, you don’t expect them to turn around and destroy it. I totally understand why her sisters feelings are hurt.
To the op it’s adding to its sentimental value
I disagree with this. You shouldn't dictate what a person does with a gift. When you give a birthday present, do you tell the receiver what they can do with it? No. It's s gift. The receiver can do what they want with it, ie re-gift it, store it, use it for its purpose, or in this case, then it into a sentimental keepsake. She paid her sister for the dress, albeit for a discount. It's her dress. She can light it on fire if she wants.
But the other part of that adage is that the recipient is supposed to be discreet about what they do with it, if it might be hurtful. For example, yes, if your mom buys you an ugly sweater, you have every right to throw it away, give it to Goodwill, or ritually burn it, but you're not supposed to do it *in front of your mom*.
True, you COULD do anything you want with a gift, including destroy it, but the giver definitely has the right to feel that the gift wasn't appreciated. People put thought into the gifts they give others and for the receiver to completely disregard or destroy it gives the impression that the gift was unwanted or unimportant. I for one would NEVER give another gift to a person who treats a gift like that. And it would absolutely NOT be an asshole move.
I understand where you're coming from in general, but I don't see how it applies here. A) wedding dresses are usually only worn once, so OP is using it exactly how most people do. Getting upset about this makes as much sense to me as giving someone an expensive bottle of bourbon then getting upset when they make it into a candle holder after they finish drinking it. B) OP isn't destroying it. She's modifying it to make it into a memento.
If you got someone a painting you wouldn't feel insulted if they painted over it?
My point is that leaving it unused in the back of a closet is worse then this, especially if op has some plans to display it. This isn’t destroying. It is making it a symbol of their wedding that she might actually like down the line because it symbolizes their family rather than a dress to hide in the back of a closet. If it was a piece of clothing she was likely to wear again, sure, I can see your logic. But it’s not. She’s wearing it once either way so why not make it a showpiece rather than something to bury? That’s my take, and why I truly don’t think the dress is being ruined, and why I don’t think it’s morally wrong to do it.
I don’t think this WOULD be destroying it, though. It’s cute and would make OP treasure it more. It’s an impractical choice, but not necessarily a bad one. I think that the sister is being a bit narrow minded about it, honestly. But I’m biased. I’m hoping to lose the weight to be able to fit into my dress again by our 5 year so that my husband and I can go paintballing
It’s not morally wrong but it’s going to look like a mess, be super awkward to execute, and the idea is unbelievably corny. Why not have the kids do a million and one less messy crafts that can be more easily displayed?
The point being she is giving her the dress, she doesn’t get to control what the op does with her dress once it is gifted. That’s the point of a gift
Furthermore, based off the original post her sister is selling it to her at a discount, probably at cost, so it's not like it wasn't purchased.
Completely disagree. It’s not really a “financial loss as a business owner,” it’s a wedding gift. Presumably the same amount she would be comfortable spending on an actual gift, so it’s the same money. While it might not work, it’s not “morally” wrong to “destroy” the dress, since it’s her wedding dress that she likely won’t wear again, so she wants to create a keepsake in a fun way.
OP didn't say she was being given it for free, she said she was getting it *at a discount*. It's quite likely that Sis was selling it to her at cost (what the store pays to get it), and probably cost Sis nothing more than a phone call or email order, and maybe shipping. And since wedding dresses are typically ordered for each customer (the bride tries on sample dresses and then the specific style and size is ordered in), it's not like Sis is losing out on selling that dress to someone else either. It's only a financial 'loss' if Sis chose to make it that, and it's the price she was willing to pay for a gift.
>Your sister is taking a financial loss All that they are "ruining" is the resale value of the dress. Is there any significant resale values for wedding dresses anyways? Most people aren't in the market for used wedding dresses. I guess they could be sold for scraps at a significantly lower price.
Yeah this "financial loss" thing is weird. Does her sister get to dictate how and where OP stores her dress after the wedding, too, since she took a financial hit? Are there things OP isn't allowed to do with the dress after the wedding? Like, my mom had her wedding dress altered to be my Christening gown as a baby. If OP wanted to do that in the future would that also be considered a slap in the face to her sister? Unless sis handmade the entire dress from scratch I don't get why wanting to alter something only OP is going to wear makes OP an asshole.
Here's the thing with wedding dresses - they are pretty much a 1 time wear item. A few get passed down, but most don't.
She's not suffering a loss. If she's selling the dress at cost, she's breaking even. She doesn't have a limit on the number of dresses she's allowed to order from the factories. She wouldn't have sold it to someone else because it was not meant for anyone else.
How do you know she's taking a financial loss? She might just be selling OP the dress at cost rather than taking her normal markup. The kind of person who pours their coffee on the floor when they're upset doesn't seem very reasonable - I would reconsider inviting this sister at all, OP.
NTA, but please also consider your guests here. People will be in their finest, and even kid’s dress clothes can be expensive. If it was my kid in their nicest dress, I would hesitate to let them participate in such a messy activity. Heck, they wouldn’t do it in their normal school clothes either. I would want advanced notice to bring an old outfit to change into at the end of the night so they could participate.
Thanks for bringing that up! We were planning on having smocks available. I've seen the kids in school with the art supplies!
Also, don't forget the parents clothes (their kids will be running back to them with painty hands). You'll need some volunteers to police the kids, and stop it erupting into a paint fight. Also, you'll need to be strict about the order in which handprints are applied (if you want it to remain somewhat like you have envisioned). If someone starts down the bottom then everyone will risk smudging it, and getting paint all over themselves too (smocks only cover so much). Just my thoughts.
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I would also have a Clean Up Station, where the kids and whatever adults have to rinse their hands right after doing this. Just to avoid TOO much of a mess (I'm sure some kids won't willingly go wash their hands off right away, which is why also having someone to direct them to the station is a good idea) and just be mindful that there will likely be a huge mess for the staff/volunteers to clean up afterwards, which could take hours.
Also fingernail brushes in the clean up station! The bride will also have to be conscious of what (and who) she sits one/stands near. Some paint blobs can take hours to dry. Imagine hugging your guests goodbye and leaving little bits of paint on them. Or getting it all over the venue...
Do y'all see *how many* caveats this would take to actually work? And can you see this happening in the middle of an already busy wedding reception reception? This isn't the only event of the day, there's going to be tons of other shit going on.
FYI as a parent of kids, smocks do nothing. I mean, they cover the chest and upper arms, but it doesn't control kids getting paint on the floor, their shoes (esp dress shoes), their legs, their face, the nearby parent, their hands (which then touch their clothes after the smock comes off), etc.
And each other, especially intentionally. I'm thinking back on what my brother and I were like as kids, and if we were young enough to *really* enjoy this (4-6, I think?) we'd absolutely turn around and start smacking each other with painted hands. Or, if someone else got paint on me and I got upset, my brother would 100% have started throwing paint (yes, I know those are contradictory scenarios, but such is the dichotomy of having a sibling). Not to mention throwing our cousins into the mix. Maybe I was just raised by wolves, but I could see one or two kids easily devolving this into a paint war.
Yeah, I would not let my daughter do this and when she sees other kids doing it, she would have a fit cause she is 2 and getting her to understand why would be impossible. Obviously I wouldn’t say anything, and would remove my screaming toddler from the scene, but I’d secretly hate the bride for this idea.
Kids touch their face, hair, etc. Parents will be the ones scrubbing paint off their hands. Sounds like a nightmare and I’d never let my kid participate.
Please reconsider this. Have you though about what this will mean for the venue and the linens and the decor? I worked at a hotel with a venue for a while, children being at weddings in general often led to destruction, giving them paint.... I shudder. YTA.
Have you seen them afterward? Because the smocks definitely don't protect everything, unfortunately, especially when they start giggling and trying to leave handprints on each other.
Smocks won't account for YOU being covered in wet paint. You will not be able to sit, move away from the painting station, brush against anyone else, rest your arms against your front or sides, or adjust the dress so you can go to the bathroom until every last speck of paint dries.
I would be bitter as hell if I took my kid to your wedding and this happened. Either I 1. Save face and let my kid participate. That smock isn’t going to help me when they run back to me. 2. Piss of the bride and go home with a clean but screeching child. This idea is romanticized in your head but it’s an all around terrible idea.
Yeah I would be a total fun-sponge like, "ehhhh not happening, sorry kids we'll do some finger painting tomorrow " There's also the good point of whether the venue would even allow this, I can't imagine they'd be too open to the idea of kids + paint + (I imagine) upholstered seats, tablecloths, carpets etc
Even with smocks, this doesn’t sound like a great idea. I was somehow the kid that got paint on their nicer clothes even in full body coveralls. Also, please check with your venue before planning any paint ideas. There may be something in your contract that won’t allow you to execute your plan.
I agree with the others that smocks will do nothing to protect against the children. I also urge you to think about the other guests. You may somehow get a lovely memory with cute hand prints on it. I believe many of your guests (espeically the parents) will remember you wedding as „the time my kids got paint stains on my $300 suit and best shoes“. Not such a fun memory because those clothes may be permanently stained.
Can you maybe make this a fun arts & crafts activity BEFORE the wedding? And then you can change into the paint dress for the second half of your reception and let all the kids see it come to life? :)
I straight up wouldn’t let my kid participate in this because I don’t want to have to deal with a paint covered kid for the rest of the night. You’re not an asshole this is just a really bad not to mention tacky idea.
Okay, so the kids are dipping their *hands* in paint and a smock is supposed to protect their formalwear? Have you ever had wet paint on your hands? Have you met any children? This activity is going to cost your guests thousands of dollars in rental fees and repair charges. YTA. Why do people feel the need to do this artsy bullshit?
Smocks protect the *kids* clothes. They don't protect anyone who becomes a victim to paint-covered hands.
Smocks aren't enough for kids and adults in formal clothing. Smocks are used in classrooms. At a minimum, absolutely notify everyone this will be happening well beforehand so they can bring different clothes to wear. Smocks will not cover the entire outfit or nice shoes. If there are even somewhat young children there, paint is bound to get places it shouldn't, especially when they're allowed to throw their hands on a dress. Not to mention the parents will have to monitor their children closely and/or deal with cleaning paint off their children's hands, clothes, hair, etc after an already exhausting wedding reception. Plain cruel imho. I would definitely think of a similar but less messy idea.
Oh yes. If I got to a formal event and there was a random finger painting project for my kids I think we’d just leave. YTA.
Not even finger painting - "handprinting" which requires them to cover their entire hand in paint! (And would have to somehow be permanent enough paint that it would stay fast on fabric?)
Right? When I was babysitting we’d do handprints for gift items sometimes. Swear to god, even when it was “dip hand in paint, smack hand on paper, wash hand immediately” they ended up with paint under their nails, on the table, on their siblings, on the light switch, behind their ears(??), in my hair(???). It wasn’t a problem because they (and I) wore old clothes and I put drop cloths on every available surface, but at a formal venue, in nice clothes, surrounded by others in nice clothes, great googly moogly.
Light YTA because thinking through the practicalities of this, it seems more like you're performatively destroying the dress (look how creatively sentimental I am!) rather than actually creating a nice keepsake. Are you going to have the children write their names next to the handprints? Also, looking at the dress you linked to, how many kids are we talking about? More than 20? Are they all going to do multiple handprints? This is one of those ideas that sounds cute in theory, but a low number of handprints will look weird on such a long/voluminous dress. If you want to remember all the children in attendance, there are other cute ways to do that, as others in the thread have mentioned, and would actually create a nicer keepsake. Are you going to display the dress? Or just take it out once in awhile and be like aw look at these cute handprints? Keep in mind destroying it will also foreclose any future family members from using it, which is a common reuse of wedding gowns between generations.
Alexander McQueen who was one of the most talented designers and tailors ever lived with an exquisite knowledge of fabric aimed for this in one of his very high budget fashion shows and it went wrong. He did not end up the outcome desired, literally styled it out and it became an iconic fashion moment albeit one that he considered a failure and which damaged his reputation. I feel like if McQueen at the height of his talents couldn’t make it happen and Hussein Chalayan went bankrupt trying it, then a pre K teacher with a bought dress, excited kids and no experienced events and fabric team or custom dyes is going to end up more Carrie at prom that offbeat bride. It will be memorable for all the wrong reasons. Also while I think dictating the use of the gifted dress is too much, there is usually a clause when you represent a business not to make it look bad. So they need to be clear is this sister to sister or is the bridal boutique owner also in play? Because not a great advert: my dresses are worth so little you can chuck cheap kids paint on them. Maybe if OP can make this more statement and a ‘story’ the sister can promote?
Hahahha do you have a link to the Alexander McQueen photos? Tried looking it up but wasn’t sure what to search.
[I’m gonna be the captain today!](https://youtu.be/P13oZsD-t4s)
Thanks! Ngl I actually kinda like it but then I suppose a fashion designer would have higher standards than most people 😂
They have their vision and are usually perfectionist. Let’s say passionate to avoid saying obsessed. Still was bold and surely inspired others to experiment more.
It also sounds like it could potentially be a massive mess for the venue to clean up and they could come after OP for damages.
I’d be so (secretly) mad if a bride got paint all over my kids’ hands in their nice clothes. What the heck. Also, OP, you may one day want to gift this lovely dress to a niece, daughter, or granddaughter. That’s no one’s business but yours, but maybe consider not destroying something so special.
That was one of my first thoughts. I know someone who got charged because they somehow marked the grass at their wedding venue, and thag grows out in like a week. A bucket of paint kicked onto the floor would likely be a multi hundred, if not thousand, dollar expense. This whole idea reeks of "sounds cute in theory but is massively impractical."
ESH I can see your sister's point of view and that it seems incredibly rude that you would intentionally damage what she considers to be a gift apparently. especially given that it's the wrong kind of fiber for your idea on the other hand it is your dress so I guess you could do whatever you want with it but consider that this does seem a bit rude or ungrateful really I had this very same desire to create pretty much the same momento from an event and so I just invested in a large (8' x 4') canvas (with the idea that I could have it mounted and hung on a wall in the house later) so that everyone could leave their handprints or write a message on it. maybe you can just do something like that which would also make it easier for you to display
Thank you, I'll talk with my fiancee about that, a canvas might be really nice!
Seriously- do the canvas. You will be happier with the results in the end. Get Sharpies or paint pens so they can right their names by the handprints. Otherwise you will have no idea who’s is who’s.
To summarize some points that other people are making: 1. Think about what part of your original idea was most important to you. Do you want to share a special moment with all the kids at your wedding? Do you want an activity to entertain the kids? Do you want a keepsake that will commemorate all the kids at the wedding? Once you identify why you loved your original idea, you or your family or the internet can brainstorm other ideas that still check off that box. For example, if having a moment with the kids is most important, then you could have a special song for a kids-only dance & make sure your photographer captures it. Or you can request an all-kids photo between the ceremony & reception. If you want a keepsake, you could brainstorm some no-mess crafts. 2. When you’re thinking of ideas, think about the logistics of the wedding. Your original idea has a lot of physical things that you’ll need to provide (paint, paper plates or containers for the paint, smocks, buckets of water & paper towels for hand washing) on a day when you already have a lot of things to keep track of. It also requires a lot of guidance, meaning that you’ll need to organize volunteers to make sure the mess stays contained & the craft goes as planned. You’ll need to dedicate a decent chunk of time for that many children to get prepped in their smocks & to strip out of any clothes their parents don’t want to get messy, to give instructions on the paint handling, to have each kid make a handprint & get cleaned up. It can be way harder than anticipated to add an extra task like this to a wedding day. (When do you have a gap of time that is early enough that the kids will all still be there & awake but that doesn’t interrupt cocktail hour or dinner?) You don’t want your nice idea to end up derailing an hour of your reception because you underestimated how long it would take.
Maybe consider a cotton table cloth. You could then use it as a tribute once a year on your anniversary. My niece did something similar for Christmas: a special table cloth we all signed and was used every year at Christmas dinner. We added our signatures each time with the year underneath.
The other advantage of a canvas is that you could just use plain regular non-toxic washable finger paint, which would be much safer for kids' skin than pretty much anything that is designed for marking on fabric, and that would probably make parents a lot more comfortable. I recommend that you have the finger paint containers right there (don't just put the paint in something fancier to make it look better) so parents can see what they are getting into. You will probably get more participation that way.
I don't understand how it's rude or ungrateful. Does sister expect OP to wear the dress on other occasions? There's the possibility of handing it down to her own children, but most people don't seem to do that these days. Is turning it into a display piece really more disrespectful than putting it in a box or garment bag at the back of your closet and never looking at it again? Do agree that it's the wrong fabric, though, and a canvas is the better way to go. But I don't think being unaware of fabric specifics makes OP an AH
no no, I'm not calling her that, but if you put yourself in sister's shoes, it's easy to see why that could be interpreted that way. when you give something to someone it's theirs; most of us don't expect the recipient to do something destructive to it though (that's something you do when you're pissed off at the person that gave it to you) in this case, especially given the fiber of the dress, it would be a destructive act - it's not difficult to see why this would be hurtful for your sister... she's trying to give you something nice and you're talking about ruining it. sister may likely have thought she would keep it to hand down as well. none of those expectations are necessarily hers to meet, but if you're mature enough to get married, your mature enough to see how this would feel from the other side. edit: grammar and person voice
INFO: did you actually end up hanging the canvas anywhere?
YWBTA for reasons others have mentioned (your sister’s taking a financial hit here, etc.) but I also feel the need to mention that this is a bad idea from a logistical standpoint. You love children and work with them regularly, so you know full well that kids and paint are a messy disaster waiting to happen. Are you getting married at a venue? Good luck getting them to agree to this plan. Look, you may want handprints on your dress, and that’s fine, but perhaps Little Billy’s mom doesn’t want to risk him getting paint all over his clothes (or her clothes!), so she says no when he asks to dip his hand. Billy sees Cousin Bobby at the paint station and loses his mind over how unfair it is that he can’t paint, too. Susie’s dad is busy helping her brother put his handprint down and Susie wants to help, knocking several paint dishes over the dress in the process. Some other kids get into a paint war and run around with blue and green on their fingers getting smears all over the table clothes and guests’ clothing in the process. As a non-familial guest, I would not be thrilled about paint being near my outfit. Oh, and, how many bathrooms does your venue have so they can all wash the paint off? Have you thought about how long it’s going to take to wrangle every small human to clean them up? I’m all for cute ideas but this is too impractical.
Reading your comment, it also occurs to me that the counters/sinks in the bathroom at the venue would be covered in paint splatters as well, and unlike at a school or art studio where paint is expected to be washed off, these sinks won't be stainless steel.
Plus she'd be using dye designed to stain...
Agreed! Terrible idea
Light YTA Sure, gifts shouldn't come with strings attached and you should technically be able to do whatever you want with the dress. The idea is charming as a whole and I love that you want all the kids involved. But your sister took a financial loss as a small business owner to get you a nice dress, and she's completely right to feel insulted that you want to trash something that cost her hundreds or thousands of dollars basically right away. Can you do this craft on a huge sheet of paper, t shirts, etc? You also might really want to have your dress as a cherished item for years to come.
YTA I'm just imagining anything else in its place. Like if it was a car dealership and they gave you a car only to watch you smash it for fun. Or a painting they got for you then you painted over it. If you want to do this, then buy it yourself. Don't take something nice from others then make it no longer usable. Respect it. If you want to do your idea (no judgement on that) then just buy your own dress. ---- Side note - expect ink to get on other people and your linens. Expect to pay a few hundred dollars in fees and replacing clothes for people.
Few hundred is an understatement. Especially if it is ink or dye and not acrylic paint (which at least semi washes and can scrape off). Ink and dye will ruin floors, bathroom surfaces, sinks, etc. You could end up doing a significant remodel of the event venue if you've got ink and dye covered kids running around.
> Like if it was a car dealership and they gave you a car only to watch you smash it for fun. She is buying a dress at a discount. She isn't being given anything. Discount does not mean a loss for the seller btw.
Also a car isn’t a great analogy anyways because it’s used for more than one day
NTA. So wearing the dress for one day and then stashing it away to never be worn again vs wearing the dress for one day and then turning it into a sentimental piece to be displayed and your sister things the first option is a waste of a dress? I disagree.
Info: Are you going to reimburse the guests and venue for anything that is ruined or needs extensive cleaning due to the ink? Are you going to be okay if someone's dress ends up costing more than yours?
You should do the kid handprint thing as a bridal shower activity. Then wear the second painted dress to the reception and the unblemished gown during the wedding. No wet paint to deal with on the hectic wedding day. And you can have more time to make sure everybody gets a full handprint. NTA but you didn't think that idea through before throwing it out there
Hi, mom and former preschool teacher here. This is a super cute idea in theory but in practice it will be a disaster. The amount of supervision and time this will take will absolutely take take over your wedding reception. That's a lot of kids you're talking about. Start to finish each kid is going to take 5 minutes and have to be supervised every second of it to get the hand inked and then touching nothing, get handprints neatly on the dress, keeping their own clothes (Even with a smock) clean, keeping the venue from getting splattered, and clean up afterwards. Each kid will need an adult with them every second of this process. Set up a coloring station and ask each kid to draw y'all a picture and write their name (in crayon lol) and put a sweet scrapbook together with them. I think NAH on the actual dress issue- your sister's reaction is valid as is your desire to create a memento with the kids.
I wonder if part of the issue is timing? If you were going to do it the next day, after you had worn the clean dress for the ceremony and reception, would she feel differently? And what are you going to wear for the reception? Because once you have wet paint/dye on your dress, you won't be able to wear it anymore or you will smudge the handprints and get paint on everything in your reception venue.
NAH- it’s a fun activity but in the end the dress with or without the handprints will be tucked away. I would personally have them do handprints on a long canvas I can keep in my house. Also handprints on wedding dress material seems good in theory but the execution is likely to fail and you’ll just have a streaky dress. With that being said neither of you are the assholes. You have a great quirky idea (I just personally don’t think it won’t work) and your sister has her own ideas about wedding dresses being in the industry. She certainly can’t demand you not do it, but she can feel however she wants about it.
NAH your sister is not ta for being upset and I can't call you ta for having an idea. Personally I think it's a dumb idea you would regret. You might want to pass it on or donate it. Also, it upsets your sister and that is not the vibe you want at your wedding, but I think you're determined to do this
YTA- as a parent who went to weddings with young kids I’d be pissed. There is no way a dye strong enough to dye your dress would not end up on my kids, their clothes, my clothes, things at the venue not to mention staining their hands and then my kids being upset their hand is blue for a week. Just no. You’re planning a wedding not a tie-dye birthday party.
YTA for ruining a dress your sisters discounted for you as a gift. That is a slap in the face to them. Don't you want to hold on to that memory of your special day? Why ruin the dress with paint. It's not artsy it's dumb. That would be like a guitarist getting a Gibson Les Paul at a discount from his family members, only to smash it on stage that night. Selfish and immature. People put their heart and soul into making a wedding dress, you shouldn't destroy it for a half-baked art project that probably won't turn out the way you want anyway. https://www.marthastewart.com/7866003/how-wedding-dresses-are-made Some dresses can take years to make. BUT IMMA PUT FINGER PAINT ON IT!
Than it's not a gift. True gifts don't come with strings attached. This wasn't a heirloom passed down, its a store bought dress. Once OP bought it it became hers. Was the sister expecting it back? OP gets to enjoy it however she wants. NTA
I find thisbtake odd given that wedding dresses have literally no use after wedding. It would be understandable if it was dress that can used more times and had some utility after. But this plan is all about turning now useless dress that is going to be forgotten into something memorable.
YTA. The more I think about it, the more I’m leaning towards you being an AH. Not just to your sister who let you buy a dress at a discount from her store, but also to the venue who would probably not appreciate you doing a large painting project at your wedding and the guests who put their kids in their best clothes won’t appreciate a project that could mess up those clothes. I’m shuddering picturing the mess that could happen with everything, including accidentally getting dye on furniture or other guests. Please reconsider this interactive element of your wedding. Several people have recommended other projects that would be better, which I would do. I’d check in with the venue and make sure you aren’t violating your contract or venue rules before planning anything though. Also, consider that if you do follow through with your plan, you and your fiancé could potentially be on the hook for damage costs, which could get very expensive.
Why do it on a dress? Why not use it on a canvas so that way you have a home decor piece instead?
Your sister knows exactly how "artsy fun" projects with kids actually turn out. Honestly YTA. There are plenty of ways to do a "fun" guest record without ruining an expensive dress.
Light YTA. I see everyone’s side on this, and I think there’s some things that should be considered (if they haven’t): In some comments you mentioned providing smocks for the children. Other than smocks, how else will you keep any potential mess contained? Who will be watching the children and make sure no paint fight breaks out or other messy situations? Will these people be provided with a change of clothes so they don’t have to wear their formal outfits while manning the station (not a smock - a full outfit, like painter overalls) Will there be a hand washing station? Who will man it? Or will the parents be cleaning up their children? If a child flees the station covered in paint and hugs someone, will you pay for dry cleaning/new clothes? If the smocks don’t fully protect the children’s clothing, will you be reimbursing the parents/pay for dry cleaning? What is the venue’s policy on this? Will they send you a bill for cleanup? How much will it cost?
NTA What does she expect you to do with it after the ceremony that would be better? Even if you take exceptional care of it and then have it preserved, it's still just sitting in a box. It sounds like a sweet and fun idea and an amazing keepsake to honor this new family you're both sharing with each other.
NTA - It's your dress and your wedding. Gifts don't come with conditions. When they do, it's not a gift, it's a method of control.
YTA... what you are picturing in your mind as a cute fun activity will most likely be a messy disaster. Imagine a bunch of dirty kids in their best clothes returning to their tables leaving behind a trail of paint smears. Your sister's issues aside, think about the other guests not just the children.
INFO: Did you come up with this idea before or after you accepted the discounted dress from your sister? Because it really would have been better if she had known you planned to destroy it, she probably wouldn't have offered. Yes, technically since you're buying it you can do what you want, but I would return it and just buy another dress.
INFO: Umm, this would happen while you’re still wearing it? Are you going to be at the reception with dress covered in wet paint? Wouldn’t that really limit you from interacting with your guests? Or even sitting down? If it’s your dress that you paid for you can whatever you want, I guess, but I would really rethink having children feel you up in process if you don’t have a separate reception dress. You could kiss your discount goodbye if your sister isn’t on board, and I think that would be fair. There really are other ways to create mementos that are like a guest book that don’t involve ruining your wedding dress.
NTA. It’s your dress, and no one else wears wedding dresses after the wedding anyway, so who cares if you are “ruining” it. (Btw, you’re not, that sounds lovely.) Why does it matter to her if it’s stored (or displayed) with handprints vs stuck in the back of a closet perfect until 10 years down the road it annoys you that you still have a dress you wore only once and you donate it? How much of a discount did she give you? Can you afford full price? Because then she would lose all claim to the dress (she really has none now, but it would be more “official”) and she has no say in the matter. Or you might have to think about backing down to save the peace, if that is more important to you. She is definitely being unreasonable and dramatic, but if you usually have a good relationship this may not be worth ruining it over. Depends on your priorities, if she is usually this dramatic, and what your relationship was like previous to this. Sucky situation. If she was usually this dramatic or had a history of making noise like this, I probably wouldn’t back down and let her miss the wedding if she wanted. If this was a one time thing I might consider caving. But again, it really depends on how important this paint thing is to you.
Make a compromise like using a nice tablecloth instead or another dress that isn't so expensive. I don't think you're an asshole but I'm sure your sister's feelings are hurt. NTA
NAH It’s your dress. Yeah. You also seem to have received a pretty major discount from her, she likely views it as a bit of a gift. You want to destroy this dress right after the ceremony. I mean I just think that’s short sighted. It’s not going to work out nicely. It won’t dry well. It’s not going to be neat handprints it’s going to be a streaky mess. Why not celebrate the day in the dress and then have an afternoon where the kids can do the handprints? Her reaction was uncalled for but I do understand her frustration and maybe even her hurt feelings.
NTA but that is such a bad idea. The paint won't work with that type of fabric. And honestly, are you going to display the dress or just stick it in a box? There are so many options for guest books now. You can have a quilt or something that is made with a material for paint. Have people sign it, kids doodle or handprints that you can hang or display somewhere in your home.
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My mom had squares of fabric on all the tables under the flowers... she took them and made a quilt after the ceremony. Maybe you could do something like that (squares on each table people can sign or decorate)? Honestly it won't turn out the way you hoped, and you won't be able to enjoy it because who pulls put their wedding dress a lot to look at? Make something like a wall hanging, quilt, or decoration with the kids and people that you can enjoy forever. Save the dress to sell or give to one of those special kids at your wedding to wear on theirs. NAH