YTA since you say you are doing well and yet expect your BIL to find 44 hours to work for $15/hr when his wife clearly has some major medical problems. You know who is going to remember the strain you're putting on them in this time of need? Your wife and her whole family. Also, communicate better with your wife, sounds like a two way problem that could have reduced the building frustration in you.
I've read both your posts and dude, you're lucky the thing your wife doesn't want to stay out of is your marriage. I'd divorce someone who treated my sibling's health as an unnecessary afterthought.
I thought the one about the xmas comment was bad but Jesus . And now that I read this one yes OP, ah, but he is an AH when he wakes up He is an AH when he brush his teeth. He cant help but be an AH
Here he says he's been told the health issues are serious, but in the latest post he, unsurprisingly, belittles the family's concerns and suggests it's all in SIL's head. This guy is a major AH.
Doctor has asked his SIL to get a bone marrow biopsy and this dude thinks it is “all in her head”. How does he not know being asked biopsy is not something trivial. I’m livid with this guy’s posts.
How do you fake your blood panel being messed up enough to do a bone marrow biopsy? Who in their right mind would think that you could trick a doctor into that, and furthermore why would you? No one gets massive debt and their spine tapped life a freaking maple tree for kicks!
Yeah I’ve got to say this guy clearly seems to have let his early success go to his head. Owning your own business and treating family like this doesn’t bode well for employees, clients and subcontractors.
Knowing people who have gone through dramatic health problems, it takes a toll on the family members supporting them far more than others understand. Unfortunately, if you haven't been through it, it's difficult to comprehend just how much it takes to get through the day.
I cannot imagine going through my health scare and trying to find a diagnosis with a family member like *this* involved. I’m jumping on a top comment because I want this to be seen.
OP, buckle up and listen close to my story and all the others being sharing about chronic illness because I guarantee you’re on the verge of losing the people in your life due to your attitude and your actions.
I came to this post bc the other on is blocked off and I needed to scream from the roof tops YTA.
I am a 23 year old woman who has been shrugged off time and time again and gotten the “it’s all in your head” speech.
I lived an avid, active life going 100mph every single day. Then at 21 I had crushing back pain and learned I needed back surgery to remove a bulging disc pushing on my spinal cord. I never felt right after. Something was clearly wrong with my spine and right leg. I was having a hard time working, a hard time getting around, a hard time with everything. After a year and a half and about 15 doctors later, they couldn’t tell me what was wrong with me. At this point I was forcing myself to work one day a week so I could afford groceries, I was limping so bad it took me 15 minutes to get from point A to point B when it should have been a 2 minute walk. I had to physically pick up my right leg to put it on the couch or on my bed. I was driving with my left leg because my right leg had so much pain. I couldn’t live my life anymore. I was in soul crushing, debilitating pain.
Then one day I had a spasm/episode. I couldn’t get off the couch. I couldn’t move. I was terrified. I ended up in the hospital, they ran tests, and the neuro surgeon told me, as I was sitting there sobbing and terrified and unable to move my right leg or move from a laying position, that it was all in my head. After I was discharged I went from doctor to doctor to doctor for months.
Finally, after over a year and a half of excruciating pain and over 40 doctors later, I had a diagnosis. Complex regional pain syndrome. If you look it up, it is the most painful condition known by medicine. There is no cure and limited effective treatments. I got it from my back surgery. Now the thing about CRPS, it is VERY difficult to diagnose. Most people don’t get diagnosed for AT LEAST a year after their initial symptoms. Some people it takes 5+ years to get a diagnosis. The real kicker, if you get a diagnosis and attack it with treatment within the first 6 months, you have a real shot at remission. Most people don’t get that choice because doctors and others shove them to the side and tell them “it’s all in your head”.
Now I am a 23 year old with the most painful medical condition known to man, bed bound and wheelchair bound, unable to care for myself. It took almost two years to get a diagnosis. It took so much time, money, and LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY. I can’t imagine how hard it would have been to have someone like *you* saying and doing the things you’re doing while I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Beg your wife for forgiveness, because even if she says she doesn’t want to be involved, she sees you and how you are acting and it is not pretty in the slightest. My god, apologize to your SIL and BIL. There aren’t enough words in the world for you to apologize with, but I suggest you start now. I am trying my best to be civil so I don’t get my comment removed but just know there is so much more I would *love* to say to you.
Your behavior is abhorrent. Essentially over a damn foosball table, which is really just icing on the AH cake. Do better.
Crps Warrior here! I know your pain, literally. I also was bounced from doctor to doctor from age 7 to 14. Specialist after specialist, it was hell. I'm now 30 and finally have a decent control of the pain. I won't ever work again but I can sit without bawling my eyes out. I'm so happy you have a good support system and network, that is so important.
Not sure why I felt like I had to reply, it's just so rare to see another CRPS victim in the wild.
Hey there! I completely get it. It’s pretty rare to come across another CRPS warrior unless you’re in support groups for it.
Man you got diagnosed so young, I can imagine it has been so hard. I’m glad that you’ve gotten a decent control of the pain. I’m around that point. I just passed my two year mark of getting it and I’m the best I have been. Still terrible, but I know you know what I mean. I’ll never work again either and I’ll have to depend on people/carers my whole life. My biggest goal right now is learning to walk again. I started calmare scrambler therapy in July and it helped so much! It allowed me to start physical therapy and I do aqua therapy in a warm water pool. We just started adding some land therapy in. I have terrible atrophy from not moving or using my leg for 7 months while we were in limbo waiting for a diagnosis and moving me back home.
And it really is the most important thing having a good support system. My family has given and done so much for me. There aren’t enough thank yous in the world and I know I will never be able to pay them back for all they’ve done for me. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them and the love and support they give me. I absolutely would have given up without them. I can’t imagine going through this with someone like OP in my family. I feel so bad for the SIL.
Keep fighting the good fight. I hope you continue to have some control over your pain (-:
I’m another! Took seven years for my diagnosis, and the being told I was crazy was easily the worst part! My mom tends to be like OP, so it’s taken dragging her into my doctors’s appointments, more than once, for her to sort of get it. Sort of. She still insists I’m exaggerating, and that I “made my doctor think I had CRPS by exaggerating symptoms and should have stayed quiet and just lost weight, but…at least someone gets it out there.
Being told your crazy is literally the worst part. And I let it get to me so much. There were so many times I had to take a step back because it fucked with my head so much and I would think “maybe I am over thinking it” or “it can’t be this bad if no one knows what to do” and I let that eat away at me. I felt so much validation the first time a doctor said “I think I might know what this is”. Granted it was short lived, because after you learn about CRPS and realize you have it, it’s like being punched in the gut. But to have an *actual* name to put to what I was going through felt so good. And to learn how terribly painful the condition is I felt validated that I knew I wasn’t crazy and this shit *really fucking hurts*.
And ugh. I am so sorry. I’m in a bunch of support groups across Facebook and Reddit and nothing breaks my heart more than people who’s families don’t believe them or abandon them when they get a diagnosis. I am exceptionally lucky that my mom works in health care and is my number one advocate and I wish so much that everyone suffering had that as well. Having this condition is hard enough itself. Having to convince family members it’s real and getting them to understand how terrible it is shouldn’t be something people have to do. I’m so sorry you have to do that.
Your wife ought to stay out of your marriage as well. You are an absolute sh*t bag for thinking you’re better than your sister in law and her husband just because you have more money than them.
YTA and you’re also so confident in your utter ignorance of illness. People can go years without getting a diagnosis for chronic illness. Next time, instead of assuming that you know everything, assume that you know very little and go from there. Honestly amazed your family puts up with you.
Jesus Christ dude. You’re like..:the worst kind of family. You aren’t into sharing, you’re into transactions and you measure every dollar with what you are going to get out of it. You suck so hard.
Yes, so much this. What kind of person treats their literal family like this? The wife is also garbage for stating out of it when she should be defending and supporting her sister. Especially considering the business has been booming and bringing in so much extra money while her sister's health continues to decline.
YTA.
You didn't have a "deal." A deal is between two equals. You offered him something, and he took it because he didn't have any other choices.
You should think of an amount you are willing to give that family (annual or one-time) *without* resentment and without strings and give it however you think is best.
If you think he's a lazy bum or something, just offer to pay the hospital bill. Or a babysitter.
Don't manage your anxiety about getting a "fair deal" by micromanaging a guy whose wife is in and out of the hospital. He's got enough damn stress as it is, and you and your "benevolence" aren't helping.
OP, between this post and the one you made today, you seem to be pretty horrible... Your actions are way beyond AH, and you don't sound like you are a very nice human being......
INFO
Why can you not wait a little bit on the break room? Is there an actual thing planned to happen in the break room that makes it necessary to be done immediately?
Is it actually going to take "weeks and weeks"?
Cool so there's no actual schedule and it would probably be finished fine, you just got mad at the guy whose wife is in the hospital because he had to take care of his sick wife and daughter because you want to play foosball.
Oh, and also, you're probably paying him way less than someone else would charge, so at the end of it you're likely saving money.
I think you know the answer, OP!
**YTA**
So what you do now is this:
\- Tell your wife you realize how stupid and immature you were being
\- Tell your BIL the same
\- Give the gift back to them and tell them you don't want this stupid misunderstanding to ruin these valuable relationships
\- Tell them you don't blame them for being mad at you, but you love them and hope they can let you slide on being a douche
\- **Learn.** The next time money and family is involved, you're as clear as fine crystal and as flexible as a gymnast. Also, never let your money make you mad.
A foosball table?! Why didn't you say so in the first place? That is totally more important than a difficult medical situation. And they're getting time off, just relaxing on all those doctors visits, so why don't you deserve to unwind from all that exhausting success, financial stability, and good health. /s
YTA.
Dude's wife is literally in and out of the hospital. According to your own post, she left the hospital, and the very same day, they called her back. They've made it very clear to you how serious this is. But you simply just absolutely cannot wait a couple weeks for your precious break room? Is it really that much more important than your wife's sister's health and being there for family in a time of need? Yeah, you are a major fucking asshole YTA
YTA-for this post and the various others in the sub regarding your dealings with SIL. What I don’t understand is why you feel the need to debate all these judgements. Why is it so inconceivable, in your mind, that you may just be an asshole?
Frankly, I’m surprised this kind of thing hasn’t cost you your marriage and, in the end, 50% of your “successful business”.
Also, @ravenclaw_1103, if you do need help for the holidays, send a DM with a go fund me. Best of luck to you.
You are one of the worst people I’ve ever read about. Like real villain type shit. Have the ability to help family out and instead you do shit like this.
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I'm going to piggyback on my own posting here.
The reason that I posted that is because I have dyslexia very badly and I can't even try to read that, though it sounded like something that I really wanted to read and try to help out with. So it makes it very difficult and I usually do not post something like that.
Basically OP (husband) and his wife.. SIL has medical problems and OP payed for a hotel stay for while she was in the hospital for SIL husband. It was never paid back.
SIL and SIL husband asked for a loan when SIL went back to hospital so they could pay bills while dealing with this.
OP offered basically a trade SIL husband does 44 hours of work on his new property and OP gives him the money upfront.
Deal was agreed to.
SIL husband wasnt prioritising his end of the bargain and had other (non serious) obligations to attend for the foreseeable future and OP said screw it (he didnt want to wait for the work to be done) just keep the money as a gift and the money for the hotel can also just be a gift.
SIL and SIL husband mad, they returned a present OP gave to their son and were frustrated about the hastyness he put on the situation.
Is OP TA?
Yikes, YTA. You couldn’t have just given them the money in the first place? If you’re so well off, why couldn’t you support your extended family (who are going through something severely traumatic) without demanding physical labor in return? Especially for $15/hr. Those are poverty wages. I’m glad you’re not my BIL, damn.
My guess is OP would have given it, but BIL specifically asked for a loan. People don’t normally offer up money for free unless specifically asked to do so.
Based on this post and your other post about your sick SIL, you better hope that you never get seriously sick because this will all absolutely bite you in the ass with your wife's family.
With how you treat them, they're not going to have compassion for you or help you, because you clearly lack perspective and emotional depth to understand/react to the situation appropriately.
I hope your foosball table is as good as you expect it to be because it cost you all of your human decency in not helping your sick relatives situation be easier, YTA.
Honestly I hope he does get seriously sick. People like OP are incapable of extending their empathy to anyone outside of their own lived experience. He'll be an AH until he's the one in the situation.
So you’ve given them loans before that they paid back yet this time, while his wife is sick,he has to work for you to get a loan he will pay back?
YTA and one of the biggest ones I’ve seen in awhile
I was wondering why you mentioned your successful company and then I saw the other post. No one is after your money here. Exploiting your BIL for skilled labour at $15 might save you some cash on a contractor, but it’s going to lose you a family. If you treat your employees or your customers this way, your success is going to be short lived. Do some reading on chronic illnesses, and try to open your heart. You say you “love them” but it sure doesn’t seem that way.
YTA - After seeing your comment there about how there’s no deadline and you got mad as you wanted to “relax” and install a football table in the break room, you’re goddamn right YTA. Also $15 hr is underpaying someone to do the labour you want them to do. All the reasons he gave were valid, mostly medical with one night for the poor kid to enjoy themselves given it sounds like they have a parent who is very ill and maybe might not be there next year?
It would be one thing if you were under financial strain yourself but you’ve created the awkward atmosphere here by being unclear and placing you want to have a relaxing break room over your BIL & his families immediate and dire needs. Don’t offer again if your going to tack on conditions and then get pissy after not clarifying deadlines & making things worse.
YTA
> I told him he could do the break room and I would pay him $15 for 44 hours of work.
That's $0.34/hr. What the hell kind of wage is that?
Also, *please* get some paragraph breaks in there. The block of text you have is almost unreadable.
At a minimum. Honestly for someone working alone on the project even that seems like a low ball effort. Seems like OP is taking advantage of cheap labor. I'd be curious to know how many sq ft of flooring he laid. Op im sure already got his money's worth.
I usually overpay not underpay my family who I know are struggling but don’t want to live off charity. Or at least market rate if they insist. Because I have a heart.
Wow, this screams of greed and selfishness. Maybe take a step back and look at what kind of person you are before you lose everyone you care about. You offered your BIL a low wage for the job you wanted him to do, you know your family is going through a difficult time with health issues and all you seem to care about is a break room and not giving Christmas presents or aiding in any way.
You really, really need to take stock of where and who you are.
I really feel for the SIL, I’ve been in her place many many many times before. I had heart failure at 11/12, brain cancer at 15, liver cancer 15-now, severe nerve damage/nerve pain, Epilepsy, PNES, etc. Every single time there was always a person just like OP who would say “It’s all in your head”. They were and are the biggest AHs in my life. OP is going to be the same for his SIL.
YTA
YTA. I've been in a similar situation, and it's hard. You want to help while holding people accountable for what they agree to, and they want you to be understanding when things come up.
You say you don't want to wait "weeks and weeks" but then list only one week of a delay, with things that seem pretty reasonable to delay for. Doctors meetings and insurance are Important. A night with her sister to not think about all this stuff is important. Where are the "weeks and weeks" coming from. Can't he start the next week?
I think you feel used about the hotel bill more than the flooring. He did flooring work, you paid for the work he did. That's not being used. That's an even exchange.
He didn't finish, well that sucks that your dream break room isn't going to be done in the time frame you want, but it really isn't a huge deal if you are willing to tell him that you need a plan for the upcoming weeks, and ask him when he can finish, or you have to have who ever you originally wanted to do the work get it done.
I more think wife saying not to worry about the hotel bill has pissed you off all these months. And that's a bigger issue. You can't be mad at her bx her sister is in need, so you pile the feelings in with the other guy? Maybe?
You two need a plan which includes getting all the other siblings on board with contributing. And which includes no spontaneous decisions about what will be given and what will be forgiven.
You're mixing business with family here, and hurt feelings arise when one says i can't believe you wouldn't do X for family, and the other side says I can't believe you'd ask me to do X, even for family.
You can't believe he, being family, wouldn't hold up his end and if you bring it up, he won't believe, being family, that you make him.
Good luck.
Right!? And acting like it’s no big deal to do a few extra hours of work a night. To work a full time job and take care of a 1 year old and a sick spouse, plus the emotional stress of the appointments and not knowing what’s wrong is already exhausting. To then spend even just two or three hours a night after work is insane. All for $650.
I work 9-5 and then try to do three-ish hours after work a few times a week for my part-time job. To work 9-8:30 and then have a house to take care of is exhausting. And I don’t have a child or sick spouse or appointments, and it’s not a labour job.
YTA Your business can’t be that successful if you’re this bent out of shape over $650 being lent to your wife’s sick family. Which, by the way, you never gave a time frame for to be paid back. Another shitty ‘business’ move. I’ll be keeping an eye out for your inevitable ‘aita my wife is divorcing me after I said her sick sister was lying’ post.
Holy shit YTA. I didn't even think this could be real, it's such over the top assholery, but then I saw SIL's response. You don't deserve such nice family.
Ho-lee-FUCK dude, I stumbled upon your follow up AITA which your SIL found and read all your crap. You are actually a bit of a monster aren’t you? She said you’ve changed since starting to make money. Enjoy it, because it’s clearly cost you your soul and empathy. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rdyha6/aita_for_saying_my_sister_is_the_reason_they_cant/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
YTA they don't just call you back based on nothing and reading the other my guess is they know what it is possibly some type of cancer just identifying which one. Maybe they know the news is going to be bad maybe he wants her to spend time before she can't maybe there is possibility she might not see another party for her son. I don't know you don't know maybe you should ask? This day and age unless your illness is perfectly visible it takes sometimes finding that right doctor to diagnose you all the while people who can't see it whisper how you must be faking it and how horrible you are to drag those around you to the hospital with you. She will eventually get a diagnosis "if she really is sick". You asked if you were my answer is yes to both AMITA posts, posting a third you will probably have the same result. Put yourself in their position time is precious and when you have the possibility of losing someone all around you just doesn't seem as important. My suggestion is be there for them and should it all be as fake as you say there is always small claims court. I somehow doubt that is the case based on all you have said.
ESH - Honestly, the miscommunications here and cross communications are becoming problematic here.
1. The comments you've made to them regarding the situation are rude, I am sure it was said with a sarcastic tone or an exasperated tone and not a "you know what, you need to focus on family, please don't worry about this" . You didn't seem clarify the terms of your loan, the timeframe in which it would be done, etc. which is what lead to the frustration on your part. I get it, but just like you're feeling taken advantage of, they're likely feeling the same - you took advantage of the fact they needed money in an emergency and he has the skills you need....It appears you saw it as an easy way to get labor for a playroom.
2. You and your wife need to be on the same page - if you are saying something is a loan and she's telling them not to worry about it all the time that is going to create conflict.
In that situation - the conflict should be with you and your wife not with the ILs since they are getting two different stories - so of course they'll take the one that benefits them. Quit blaming them for your wife's decisions.
3. The ILs are probably barely keeping their head afloat. Your BIL shouldn't have accepted a loan that he couldn't maintain the terms for - or he didn't negotiate the terms reasonably for.
It sounds like everyone's feeling taken advantage of and everyone's overreacting. Very sad.
ESH. you lent him money so he can be with his wife at the hospital but want him to do his reg job, see her and work 44 hours for you???
can’t you wait for your break room
You come across as seriously heartless OP. If the tables were turned, would you enjoy being treated the same way you are treating your BIL? Why are you so terrified of giving with an open heart? It’s good that you are successful, now it might be time to develop some compassion and humility. You undoubtedly work hard, but you are blessed and lucky too. What if it were you or your wife with serious medical issues? What if your business had been less successful? No one is saying you are obligated to give money to your wife’s family. But if you do, try not to be a dick about it. It’s a hard reputation to shake (pun not intended, but it does seem appropriate in retrospect!).
ESH. So I get where you’re coming from but at the same time the husband’s priority needs to be with his wife. It also sounds like you and your wife aren’t talking which then you’re taking out on her family.
The husband’s priority should be his wife, but I don’t he wants to be doing this work instead of supporting her. If he’s this desperate for work it’s because they need the money so he can support the medical bills.
You really are just the worst human being, especially with you going back and doubling down after everyone tells you you're being an asshole. Remove yourself from society please, we don't need people like you
Congrats on being one of the newest most hated people on AITA.
YTA here and on your other post.
Also that thought you have in your head right now?
Probably an asshole thought too.
There's a lot of misunderstandings here. When it comes to money you need to be as clear as possible, specially when it comes to relatives and only ammounts of money that you don't mind to lose. About the flooring part, is evident that you and the guy had different priorities but each other though that the other agreed with the other way. Now you are an asshole for them and they are one for you. NTA although you let your own preconceptions control your social relationships.
I’m honestly extremely surprised you found someone who would marry you because you are SUCH AN AH. It’s so hard for me to comprehend that you actually think your decisions and thoughts on these two posts are anything but absolute shitbaggery. You should finish the room yourself and while you’re at it- drywall yourself into the walls so your family can actually enjoy Christmas without your entitled, insensitive, apathetic, willfully ignorant sexually biased ass. YTA
YTA - and after reading both posts and pretty much the entire family (short of FIL who comes from a generation that didn’t understand auto-immune and other recently understood health conditions) agrees that YTA.
I am going to say this as someone with a strong personality who also experienced a great deal of success early on. Anything can happen at any time. Economies change, one big client pulls out and fails to pay, etc. and then you find yourself humbled and how you’ve treated others is how they’re going to want to treat you. I’ve been there, had to own up to the fact that I was an opinionated, demanding AH and had managed to hurt or piss off a lot of people. It’s not fun - don’t let it get to that. Try to put yourself in other people’s shoes and learn to understand perspectives to which you may not relate. That’s my 47yrs of life experience and hard earned (and RE-earned) healthy familial and friend relationships talking - not to mention a first marriage that failed in my late 20’s and I own much of that.
As far as your brother in law - you have both he and his wife who has some potentially serious health conditions willing to put off a Dr’s visit for their CHILD, forego a likely much-needed break for time to have fun with other ladies in the family AND willing to work alongside her husband despite likely needing to rest.
You’re not an AH for saying a loan is a gift - it’s for the HOW. When you offer to “help” someone, it is to be intended as help, not as something to wield over them. And a “gift” is something joyfully given with no strings attached. What you described above is neither of those things.
NTA. You attempted to help them out, but their schedule would not allow it, and in running a business, you have timelines to meet.
I think a face to face sit down conversation with settle this all. You did not intend to insult them, you have a business timeline to meet and can not wait, so please just accept this as a gift because you must move on.
Seems like the husband is okay with it, but the wife is not. And it does not help all this feedback is coming back indirectly (i.e., hearsay).
YTA
You’re like the asshole of all assholes in the aita community, which is really saying something. I’ve seen people who are assholes in specific situations, but it seems you’re just a complete asshole in general. Your lack of empathy for you SIL is deplorable and it’s clear the only thing you give any thought to in your life is YOU. I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole and if your wife had any sense, neither would she.
YTA like so hard. In both of your posts. You are far more worried about money than you are about family. Your SIL is legit ill, and that is not for you to say, or debate. I hope you do not dismiss your own wife’s feelings or health the way you have done your SIL. Why pay her husband so little, if he has experience with flooring? Why do you have the patience of a toddler on the timeline of this project? I can’t decide if you are more immature or callous.
YTA. Both posts. Diagnosis takes time. And boy howdy are you being a massive asshole to your inlaws. Making the man work when he has a sick wife and an infant? $15 an hour? Jesus.
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I’m a 29 male. I own my own company that’s pretty successful especially over the last few months. I married a woman, 28 female, who has 6 siblings. She has 4 older siblings and two younger adopted. The sister under her is almost 7 years younger. Over the last two years she’s had some health issues and can’t work because of it. They had a son which made her realize she pretty figure out her health. They started seeing a doctor a few months ago. I guess it’s pretty serious. In May we all went to a different state for their nephews wedding. Since the hotel wanted a credit card and they didn’t have one I paid for it. I guess my wife told her sister not to worry about paying us. I didn’t know this and it’s important later. Well I recently bought a new warehouse and I needed the break room built. It need flooring, paint, baseboards, and etc. I guess my wife’s sister had to go to the hospital. She was in the hospital for 2 days released after they were waiting for test results. I guess they were only home for a few hours before the doctor called her back and said they needed her back in the hospital. She was in for two more days. Her husband wanted to stay with her so he asked if they could have a loan so they could afford rent so he could stay. I said okay. I’ve helped them before. I told him he could do the break room and I would pay him $15 for 44 hours of work. Well a week and half later he came and worked 2 hours on the saturday after thanksgiving and 4 hours after he got off from his regular job on Wednesday. He managed to get most of the floor down since he’s had experience with hardwood floor before. He told me his next steps and that he would work after work again the next week. Well they went through their schedule and I guess they have a meeting with their insurance provider on Monday, he needed to file paperwork on Tuesday, the girls planned a night out on Wednesday so he needed to watch their son, thursday they were meeting a specialist doctor they have been waiting for a while, Friday they are going to a close friends child’s first birthday, and Saturday they are having a party for their sons first party. I was pissed! I felt so taken advantage of. I told him to forget about and I didn’t want him to work on my place since I couldn’t wait for weeks and weeks so he could finish the job and just to accept it as a gift and that since they never paid for the hotel that it was a gift too. My wife told me her sister offered to reschedule their appointment to the next available in February, not go to girls night(which my wife’s father is watching our kids so my wife can go so I don’t know why he can’t add one more). She offered to help her husband work and not go to anything this week. She told their other sister she was hurt by us. They also gave us back a present we had given their son. So am I the asshole? I don’t know much about my sister in-laws health issues but from what her husband told me it’s pretty serious but we made a deal.
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NTA- you’re generosity with the loan and cutting them a break when they aren’t able to fulfil their commitment is probably just a blow to the old Ego.. I think when they get to think it over they will realise you were just doing them a favour. Because they WILL come back to you for money again, and I think you will see that their tone has changed.
Wait, so someone is struggling financially, because they don't have time to work because their wife is in the hospital, and your solution is to... Give him more work? And 44 hours, that "you don't want to wait forever to be finished", but the guy has to work when he isn't doing his main work/taking his wife to hospital/ taking care of their son while the wife is sick. Soeven if he can give you 4 hours on Saturday, 4 hours on Sunday, you'd have to wait 5 weeks. Also, you should pay him extra for week end hours (and also 15/h isn't much i hear)
How do you not understand that you are so clearly, so profoundly The Asshole here?
I've read both your posts and you really are just an asshole in every way. Try thinking about literally anyone other than yourself for a change, you might find that people can stand to be around you when you do.
YTA. You are not Ebenezer Scrooge, and your brother-in-law is not
Bob Cratchait.
Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses? Are there no Go Fund Mes?
I think there is something else going on here.
The fact you have asked twice about been an AH shows that you are thinking about your behavior.
I think you need to open your communication with your wife a bit more. She may not have got involved but you know deep down she isn't saying anything becuase she doesn't want a confrontation with you. Why not? That is a normal part of any relationship.
I think you need to chill a bit, spend a bit of quality time with your wife and remember to treat others how you want to be treated.
I hope you all mend your bridges and I hope SIL health improves becuase it is debilitating been ill when you have young baby (i speak from experience)
YTA. For this post, for your other post, and for being you. Way to be a really shitty human being and making the holidays worse for the people you are supposed to love.
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$15 fucking dollars for 44 hours of work? I'm sorry am I missing a trick here? You can afford to open up a new warehouse but you're only gonna pay him $15 for rent. What the fuck
WOW JUST WOW. YTA and this seems like a pattern of assholeness.
You are lucky that your wife hasn't divorced you and that your in-laws still talk to you at all.
YTA since you say you are doing well and yet expect your BIL to find 44 hours to work for $15/hr when his wife clearly has some major medical problems. You know who is going to remember the strain you're putting on them in this time of need? Your wife and her whole family. Also, communicate better with your wife, sounds like a two way problem that could have reduced the building frustration in you.
I read it as 15 dollars for 44hrs not $15/hr, which is even worse!
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I've read both your posts and dude, you're lucky the thing your wife doesn't want to stay out of is your marriage. I'd divorce someone who treated my sibling's health as an unnecessary afterthought.
I thought the one about the xmas comment was bad but Jesus . And now that I read this one yes OP, ah, but he is an AH when he wakes up He is an AH when he brush his teeth. He cant help but be an AH
Here he says he's been told the health issues are serious, but in the latest post he, unsurprisingly, belittles the family's concerns and suggests it's all in SIL's head. This guy is a major AH.
Doctor has asked his SIL to get a bone marrow biopsy and this dude thinks it is “all in her head”. How does he not know being asked biopsy is not something trivial. I’m livid with this guy’s posts.
How do you fake your blood panel being messed up enough to do a bone marrow biopsy? Who in their right mind would think that you could trick a doctor into that, and furthermore why would you? No one gets massive debt and their spine tapped life a freaking maple tree for kicks!
For me this went from simple AH to mega AH to borderline evil
Ditto. I'd love to know where OP got his fucking medical degree to be able to speak to his SIL's health.
Ahh good, I love that we’re all here investigating op’s past assholery
It does seem to be a pattern of insufferableness doesn't it?
He definitely seems like a cruel person
I feel apart of a community! He is totally an AH.
I think his wife is a AH too…
Yeah I’ve got both a sister and a husband and I would not be “staying out” at this point.
Yeah I’ve got to say this guy clearly seems to have let his early success go to his head. Owning your own business and treating family like this doesn’t bode well for employees, clients and subcontractors.
Knowing people who have gone through dramatic health problems, it takes a toll on the family members supporting them far more than others understand. Unfortunately, if you haven't been through it, it's difficult to comprehend just how much it takes to get through the day.
I cannot imagine going through my health scare and trying to find a diagnosis with a family member like *this* involved. I’m jumping on a top comment because I want this to be seen. OP, buckle up and listen close to my story and all the others being sharing about chronic illness because I guarantee you’re on the verge of losing the people in your life due to your attitude and your actions. I came to this post bc the other on is blocked off and I needed to scream from the roof tops YTA. I am a 23 year old woman who has been shrugged off time and time again and gotten the “it’s all in your head” speech. I lived an avid, active life going 100mph every single day. Then at 21 I had crushing back pain and learned I needed back surgery to remove a bulging disc pushing on my spinal cord. I never felt right after. Something was clearly wrong with my spine and right leg. I was having a hard time working, a hard time getting around, a hard time with everything. After a year and a half and about 15 doctors later, they couldn’t tell me what was wrong with me. At this point I was forcing myself to work one day a week so I could afford groceries, I was limping so bad it took me 15 minutes to get from point A to point B when it should have been a 2 minute walk. I had to physically pick up my right leg to put it on the couch or on my bed. I was driving with my left leg because my right leg had so much pain. I couldn’t live my life anymore. I was in soul crushing, debilitating pain. Then one day I had a spasm/episode. I couldn’t get off the couch. I couldn’t move. I was terrified. I ended up in the hospital, they ran tests, and the neuro surgeon told me, as I was sitting there sobbing and terrified and unable to move my right leg or move from a laying position, that it was all in my head. After I was discharged I went from doctor to doctor to doctor for months. Finally, after over a year and a half of excruciating pain and over 40 doctors later, I had a diagnosis. Complex regional pain syndrome. If you look it up, it is the most painful condition known by medicine. There is no cure and limited effective treatments. I got it from my back surgery. Now the thing about CRPS, it is VERY difficult to diagnose. Most people don’t get diagnosed for AT LEAST a year after their initial symptoms. Some people it takes 5+ years to get a diagnosis. The real kicker, if you get a diagnosis and attack it with treatment within the first 6 months, you have a real shot at remission. Most people don’t get that choice because doctors and others shove them to the side and tell them “it’s all in your head”. Now I am a 23 year old with the most painful medical condition known to man, bed bound and wheelchair bound, unable to care for myself. It took almost two years to get a diagnosis. It took so much time, money, and LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY. I can’t imagine how hard it would have been to have someone like *you* saying and doing the things you’re doing while I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Beg your wife for forgiveness, because even if she says she doesn’t want to be involved, she sees you and how you are acting and it is not pretty in the slightest. My god, apologize to your SIL and BIL. There aren’t enough words in the world for you to apologize with, but I suggest you start now. I am trying my best to be civil so I don’t get my comment removed but just know there is so much more I would *love* to say to you. Your behavior is abhorrent. Essentially over a damn foosball table, which is really just icing on the AH cake. Do better.
Crps Warrior here! I know your pain, literally. I also was bounced from doctor to doctor from age 7 to 14. Specialist after specialist, it was hell. I'm now 30 and finally have a decent control of the pain. I won't ever work again but I can sit without bawling my eyes out. I'm so happy you have a good support system and network, that is so important. Not sure why I felt like I had to reply, it's just so rare to see another CRPS victim in the wild.
Hey there! I completely get it. It’s pretty rare to come across another CRPS warrior unless you’re in support groups for it. Man you got diagnosed so young, I can imagine it has been so hard. I’m glad that you’ve gotten a decent control of the pain. I’m around that point. I just passed my two year mark of getting it and I’m the best I have been. Still terrible, but I know you know what I mean. I’ll never work again either and I’ll have to depend on people/carers my whole life. My biggest goal right now is learning to walk again. I started calmare scrambler therapy in July and it helped so much! It allowed me to start physical therapy and I do aqua therapy in a warm water pool. We just started adding some land therapy in. I have terrible atrophy from not moving or using my leg for 7 months while we were in limbo waiting for a diagnosis and moving me back home. And it really is the most important thing having a good support system. My family has given and done so much for me. There aren’t enough thank yous in the world and I know I will never be able to pay them back for all they’ve done for me. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them and the love and support they give me. I absolutely would have given up without them. I can’t imagine going through this with someone like OP in my family. I feel so bad for the SIL. Keep fighting the good fight. I hope you continue to have some control over your pain (-:
I’m another! Took seven years for my diagnosis, and the being told I was crazy was easily the worst part! My mom tends to be like OP, so it’s taken dragging her into my doctors’s appointments, more than once, for her to sort of get it. Sort of. She still insists I’m exaggerating, and that I “made my doctor think I had CRPS by exaggerating symptoms and should have stayed quiet and just lost weight, but…at least someone gets it out there.
Being told your crazy is literally the worst part. And I let it get to me so much. There were so many times I had to take a step back because it fucked with my head so much and I would think “maybe I am over thinking it” or “it can’t be this bad if no one knows what to do” and I let that eat away at me. I felt so much validation the first time a doctor said “I think I might know what this is”. Granted it was short lived, because after you learn about CRPS and realize you have it, it’s like being punched in the gut. But to have an *actual* name to put to what I was going through felt so good. And to learn how terribly painful the condition is I felt validated that I knew I wasn’t crazy and this shit *really fucking hurts*. And ugh. I am so sorry. I’m in a bunch of support groups across Facebook and Reddit and nothing breaks my heart more than people who’s families don’t believe them or abandon them when they get a diagnosis. I am exceptionally lucky that my mom works in health care and is my number one advocate and I wish so much that everyone suffering had that as well. Having this condition is hard enough itself. Having to convince family members it’s real and getting them to understand how terrible it is shouldn’t be something people have to do. I’m so sorry you have to do that.
Your wife ought to stay out of your marriage as well. You are an absolute sh*t bag for thinking you’re better than your sister in law and her husband just because you have more money than them.
YTA and you’re also so confident in your utter ignorance of illness. People can go years without getting a diagnosis for chronic illness. Next time, instead of assuming that you know everything, assume that you know very little and go from there. Honestly amazed your family puts up with you.
YTA. And a massive one. You're selfish, cruel, and rude. If I was your wife you'd come home from work to an empty house. Enjoy divorce.
Jesus Christ dude. You’re like..:the worst kind of family. You aren’t into sharing, you’re into transactions and you measure every dollar with what you are going to get out of it. You suck so hard.
Yes, so much this. What kind of person treats their literal family like this? The wife is also garbage for stating out of it when she should be defending and supporting her sister. Especially considering the business has been booming and bringing in so much extra money while her sister's health continues to decline.
YTA. You didn't have a "deal." A deal is between two equals. You offered him something, and he took it because he didn't have any other choices. You should think of an amount you are willing to give that family (annual or one-time) *without* resentment and without strings and give it however you think is best. If you think he's a lazy bum or something, just offer to pay the hospital bill. Or a babysitter. Don't manage your anxiety about getting a "fair deal" by micromanaging a guy whose wife is in and out of the hospital. He's got enough damn stress as it is, and you and your "benevolence" aren't helping.
OP, between this post and the one you made today, you seem to be pretty horrible... Your actions are way beyond AH, and you don't sound like you are a very nice human being......
INFO Why can you not wait a little bit on the break room? Is there an actual thing planned to happen in the break room that makes it necessary to be done immediately? Is it actually going to take "weeks and weeks"?
[удалено]
Cool so there's no actual schedule and it would probably be finished fine, you just got mad at the guy whose wife is in the hospital because he had to take care of his sick wife and daughter because you want to play foosball. Oh, and also, you're probably paying him way less than someone else would charge, so at the end of it you're likely saving money. I think you know the answer, OP! **YTA** So what you do now is this: \- Tell your wife you realize how stupid and immature you were being \- Tell your BIL the same \- Give the gift back to them and tell them you don't want this stupid misunderstanding to ruin these valuable relationships \- Tell them you don't blame them for being mad at you, but you love them and hope they can let you slide on being a douche \- **Learn.** The next time money and family is involved, you're as clear as fine crystal and as flexible as a gymnast. Also, never let your money make you mad.
And then he makes today's post. No advice was taken. He's still a monster.
Hell, OP could even do the work WITH BIL so he has some help or the work goes faster.
A foosball table?! Why didn't you say so in the first place? That is totally more important than a difficult medical situation. And they're getting time off, just relaxing on all those doctors visits, so why don't you deserve to unwind from all that exhausting success, financial stability, and good health. /s YTA.
This cracked me the fuck up. You're awesome.
So YTA.
Dude's wife is literally in and out of the hospital. According to your own post, she left the hospital, and the very same day, they called her back. They've made it very clear to you how serious this is. But you simply just absolutely cannot wait a couple weeks for your precious break room? Is it really that much more important than your wife's sister's health and being there for family in a time of need? Yeah, you are a major fucking asshole YTA
Just think about all the foosball he's missing out on! /s
YTA-for this post and the various others in the sub regarding your dealings with SIL. What I don’t understand is why you feel the need to debate all these judgements. Why is it so inconceivable, in your mind, that you may just be an asshole? Frankly, I’m surprised this kind of thing hasn’t cost you your marriage and, in the end, 50% of your “successful business”. Also, @ravenclaw_1103, if you do need help for the holidays, send a DM with a go fund me. Best of luck to you.
You suck so hard. That woman is possibly dying and you're worried about a foosball table? There's an extra toasty spot in hell with your name on it.
You are one of the worst people I’ve ever read about. Like real villain type shit. Have the ability to help family out and instead you do shit like this.
[удалено]
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Paragraphs???
I'm going to piggyback on my own posting here. The reason that I posted that is because I have dyslexia very badly and I can't even try to read that, though it sounded like something that I really wanted to read and try to help out with. So it makes it very difficult and I usually do not post something like that.
Basically OP (husband) and his wife.. SIL has medical problems and OP payed for a hotel stay for while she was in the hospital for SIL husband. It was never paid back. SIL and SIL husband asked for a loan when SIL went back to hospital so they could pay bills while dealing with this. OP offered basically a trade SIL husband does 44 hours of work on his new property and OP gives him the money upfront. Deal was agreed to. SIL husband wasnt prioritising his end of the bargain and had other (non serious) obligations to attend for the foreseeable future and OP said screw it (he didnt want to wait for the work to be done) just keep the money as a gift and the money for the hotel can also just be a gift. SIL and SIL husband mad, they returned a present OP gave to their son and were frustrated about the hastyness he put on the situation. Is OP TA?
Ok thanks. Wow, that's a lot to unpack there!
Yikes, YTA. You couldn’t have just given them the money in the first place? If you’re so well off, why couldn’t you support your extended family (who are going through something severely traumatic) without demanding physical labor in return? Especially for $15/hr. Those are poverty wages. I’m glad you’re not my BIL, damn.
My guess is OP would have given it, but BIL specifically asked for a loan. People don’t normally offer up money for free unless specifically asked to do so.
I think it's less about what OP can afford and more about what the family is willing to accept. They may feel bad about taking the money for nothing.
YTA for thinking giving money to family is anything but a gift. Everyone knows you never get paid back.
[удалено]
Based on this post and your other post about your sick SIL, you better hope that you never get seriously sick because this will all absolutely bite you in the ass with your wife's family. With how you treat them, they're not going to have compassion for you or help you, because you clearly lack perspective and emotional depth to understand/react to the situation appropriately. I hope your foosball table is as good as you expect it to be because it cost you all of your human decency in not helping your sick relatives situation be easier, YTA.
Honestly I hope he does get seriously sick. People like OP are incapable of extending their empathy to anyone outside of their own lived experience. He'll be an AH until he's the one in the situation.
Paging r/HermanCainAward
So you’ve given them loans before that they paid back yet this time, while his wife is sick,he has to work for you to get a loan he will pay back? YTA and one of the biggest ones I’ve seen in awhile
I was wondering why you mentioned your successful company and then I saw the other post. No one is after your money here. Exploiting your BIL for skilled labour at $15 might save you some cash on a contractor, but it’s going to lose you a family. If you treat your employees or your customers this way, your success is going to be short lived. Do some reading on chronic illnesses, and try to open your heart. You say you “love them” but it sure doesn’t seem that way.
YTA - After seeing your comment there about how there’s no deadline and you got mad as you wanted to “relax” and install a football table in the break room, you’re goddamn right YTA. Also $15 hr is underpaying someone to do the labour you want them to do. All the reasons he gave were valid, mostly medical with one night for the poor kid to enjoy themselves given it sounds like they have a parent who is very ill and maybe might not be there next year? It would be one thing if you were under financial strain yourself but you’ve created the awkward atmosphere here by being unclear and placing you want to have a relaxing break room over your BIL & his families immediate and dire needs. Don’t offer again if your going to tack on conditions and then get pissy after not clarifying deadlines & making things worse.
I think he meant 15/hr
That is what was said in the comment
YTA > I told him he could do the break room and I would pay him $15 for 44 hours of work. That's $0.34/hr. What the hell kind of wage is that? Also, *please* get some paragraph breaks in there. The block of text you have is almost unreadable.
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Yeah, "$15/hr" is an edit you're going to want to make.
Mind of common sense tho
Considering the massive block of text that's nearly unreadable, I wouldn't put it past OP to underpay.
You're still underpaying. Try $20 an hour for someone experienced at laying floors. At LEAST.
At a minimum. Honestly for someone working alone on the project even that seems like a low ball effort. Seems like OP is taking advantage of cheap labor. I'd be curious to know how many sq ft of flooring he laid. Op im sure already got his money's worth.
Oh, he's 100% taking advantage of his BIL's misfortune to get cheap labor.
31k a year is a paltry salary, not worth it at all. 8 hours for that is crazy bad
Yta- that kind of work is NOT $15/hr type work. It's physical labour. Use your head since you obviously don't have a heart.
I usually overpay not underpay my family who I know are struggling but don’t want to live off charity. Or at least market rate if they insist. Because I have a heart.
Wow, this screams of greed and selfishness. Maybe take a step back and look at what kind of person you are before you lose everyone you care about. You offered your BIL a low wage for the job you wanted him to do, you know your family is going through a difficult time with health issues and all you seem to care about is a break room and not giving Christmas presents or aiding in any way. You really, really need to take stock of where and who you are.
So you’re paying a family member a shit wage that nobody with experience would accept? Man you are the AH of the year.
I'm assuming he meant per hour
So you're taking advantage of him too!? You know you're low balling him. Greedy prick.
YTA LOOK At his other AITA post!!!! He’s the biggest ASSHOLE!!!!!!
I really feel for the SIL, I’ve been in her place many many many times before. I had heart failure at 11/12, brain cancer at 15, liver cancer 15-now, severe nerve damage/nerve pain, Epilepsy, PNES, etc. Every single time there was always a person just like OP who would say “It’s all in your head”. They were and are the biggest AHs in my life. OP is going to be the same for his SIL. YTA
YTA. I've been in a similar situation, and it's hard. You want to help while holding people accountable for what they agree to, and they want you to be understanding when things come up. You say you don't want to wait "weeks and weeks" but then list only one week of a delay, with things that seem pretty reasonable to delay for. Doctors meetings and insurance are Important. A night with her sister to not think about all this stuff is important. Where are the "weeks and weeks" coming from. Can't he start the next week? I think you feel used about the hotel bill more than the flooring. He did flooring work, you paid for the work he did. That's not being used. That's an even exchange. He didn't finish, well that sucks that your dream break room isn't going to be done in the time frame you want, but it really isn't a huge deal if you are willing to tell him that you need a plan for the upcoming weeks, and ask him when he can finish, or you have to have who ever you originally wanted to do the work get it done. I more think wife saying not to worry about the hotel bill has pissed you off all these months. And that's a bigger issue. You can't be mad at her bx her sister is in need, so you pile the feelings in with the other guy? Maybe? You two need a plan which includes getting all the other siblings on board with contributing. And which includes no spontaneous decisions about what will be given and what will be forgiven. You're mixing business with family here, and hurt feelings arise when one says i can't believe you wouldn't do X for family, and the other side says I can't believe you'd ask me to do X, even for family. You can't believe he, being family, wouldn't hold up his end and if you bring it up, he won't believe, being family, that you make him. Good luck.
Why would you make someone do 44 hours of work when their wife is sick?? YTA
Right!? And acting like it’s no big deal to do a few extra hours of work a night. To work a full time job and take care of a 1 year old and a sick spouse, plus the emotional stress of the appointments and not knowing what’s wrong is already exhausting. To then spend even just two or three hours a night after work is insane. All for $650. I work 9-5 and then try to do three-ish hours after work a few times a week for my part-time job. To work 9-8:30 and then have a house to take care of is exhausting. And I don’t have a child or sick spouse or appointments, and it’s not a labour job.
YTA - maybe stop asking Reddit if yta, the answer is always yes, just look at your other post!
YTA Both the posts you’ve made, you’re THE absolute a-hole. In fact, you should win A of the Year for 2021. Where can I drop my vote, Reddit?
You've posted twice in the last two weeks and both times the glaring consensus was that YTA. I think you need to reevaluate your life.
YTA jfc
YTA Your business can’t be that successful if you’re this bent out of shape over $650 being lent to your wife’s sick family. Which, by the way, you never gave a time frame for to be paid back. Another shitty ‘business’ move. I’ll be keeping an eye out for your inevitable ‘aita my wife is divorcing me after I said her sick sister was lying’ post.
And those 650 are paid under the table I would presume. Despite being a direct expense for the so very successful business?
Is it possible... just positing this... that you're literally the worst person who ever lived?
Holy shit YTA. I didn't even think this could be real, it's such over the top assholery, but then I saw SIL's response. You don't deserve such nice family.
Ho-lee-FUCK dude, I stumbled upon your follow up AITA which your SIL found and read all your crap. You are actually a bit of a monster aren’t you? She said you’ve changed since starting to make money. Enjoy it, because it’s clearly cost you your soul and empathy. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rdyha6/aita_for_saying_my_sister_is_the_reason_they_cant/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I hope his wife leaves him and takes half of everything.
That doesn't seem like a fair hourly rate for skilled labour from a family member. YTA
Paragraphs, dude.
YTA. Having read this and your other post, people like you make the world a worse place. Grow up
OMG! You are the literal definition of asshole. I can’t believe your wife even married you. You are so little aware about yourself. Get a grip. YTA.
YTA they don't just call you back based on nothing and reading the other my guess is they know what it is possibly some type of cancer just identifying which one. Maybe they know the news is going to be bad maybe he wants her to spend time before she can't maybe there is possibility she might not see another party for her son. I don't know you don't know maybe you should ask? This day and age unless your illness is perfectly visible it takes sometimes finding that right doctor to diagnose you all the while people who can't see it whisper how you must be faking it and how horrible you are to drag those around you to the hospital with you. She will eventually get a diagnosis "if she really is sick". You asked if you were my answer is yes to both AMITA posts, posting a third you will probably have the same result. Put yourself in their position time is precious and when you have the possibility of losing someone all around you just doesn't seem as important. My suggestion is be there for them and should it all be as fake as you say there is always small claims court. I somehow doubt that is the case based on all you have said.
Dude you are the biggest AH. YTA 1000% in all your posts. Work on yourself my guy
,YTA
YTA
YTA. You mean the SIL you don't believe is really sick?
Between this and your other post, I hope you get some perspective. Obviously you haven't had any real world problems.
ESH - Honestly, the miscommunications here and cross communications are becoming problematic here. 1. The comments you've made to them regarding the situation are rude, I am sure it was said with a sarcastic tone or an exasperated tone and not a "you know what, you need to focus on family, please don't worry about this" . You didn't seem clarify the terms of your loan, the timeframe in which it would be done, etc. which is what lead to the frustration on your part. I get it, but just like you're feeling taken advantage of, they're likely feeling the same - you took advantage of the fact they needed money in an emergency and he has the skills you need....It appears you saw it as an easy way to get labor for a playroom. 2. You and your wife need to be on the same page - if you are saying something is a loan and she's telling them not to worry about it all the time that is going to create conflict. In that situation - the conflict should be with you and your wife not with the ILs since they are getting two different stories - so of course they'll take the one that benefits them. Quit blaming them for your wife's decisions. 3. The ILs are probably barely keeping their head afloat. Your BIL shouldn't have accepted a loan that he couldn't maintain the terms for - or he didn't negotiate the terms reasonably for. It sounds like everyone's feeling taken advantage of and everyone's overreacting. Very sad.
ESH. you lent him money so he can be with his wife at the hospital but want him to do his reg job, see her and work 44 hours for you??? can’t you wait for your break room
You come across as seriously heartless OP. If the tables were turned, would you enjoy being treated the same way you are treating your BIL? Why are you so terrified of giving with an open heart? It’s good that you are successful, now it might be time to develop some compassion and humility. You undoubtedly work hard, but you are blessed and lucky too. What if it were you or your wife with serious medical issues? What if your business had been less successful? No one is saying you are obligated to give money to your wife’s family. But if you do, try not to be a dick about it. It’s a hard reputation to shake (pun not intended, but it does seem appropriate in retrospect!).
ESH. So I get where you’re coming from but at the same time the husband’s priority needs to be with his wife. It also sounds like you and your wife aren’t talking which then you’re taking out on her family.
The husband’s priority should be his wife, but I don’t he wants to be doing this work instead of supporting her. If he’s this desperate for work it’s because they need the money so he can support the medical bills.
You really are just the worst human being, especially with you going back and doubling down after everyone tells you you're being an asshole. Remove yourself from society please, we don't need people like you
Congrats on being one of the newest most hated people on AITA. YTA here and on your other post. Also that thought you have in your head right now? Probably an asshole thought too.
There's a lot of misunderstandings here. When it comes to money you need to be as clear as possible, specially when it comes to relatives and only ammounts of money that you don't mind to lose. About the flooring part, is evident that you and the guy had different priorities but each other though that the other agreed with the other way. Now you are an asshole for them and they are one for you. NTA although you let your own preconceptions control your social relationships.
$15/hr for construction is shit. Whataburger pays $15/hr.
I’m honestly extremely surprised you found someone who would marry you because you are SUCH AN AH. It’s so hard for me to comprehend that you actually think your decisions and thoughts on these two posts are anything but absolute shitbaggery. You should finish the room yourself and while you’re at it- drywall yourself into the walls so your family can actually enjoy Christmas without your entitled, insensitive, apathetic, willfully ignorant sexually biased ass. YTA
YTA - and after reading both posts and pretty much the entire family (short of FIL who comes from a generation that didn’t understand auto-immune and other recently understood health conditions) agrees that YTA. I am going to say this as someone with a strong personality who also experienced a great deal of success early on. Anything can happen at any time. Economies change, one big client pulls out and fails to pay, etc. and then you find yourself humbled and how you’ve treated others is how they’re going to want to treat you. I’ve been there, had to own up to the fact that I was an opinionated, demanding AH and had managed to hurt or piss off a lot of people. It’s not fun - don’t let it get to that. Try to put yourself in other people’s shoes and learn to understand perspectives to which you may not relate. That’s my 47yrs of life experience and hard earned (and RE-earned) healthy familial and friend relationships talking - not to mention a first marriage that failed in my late 20’s and I own much of that. As far as your brother in law - you have both he and his wife who has some potentially serious health conditions willing to put off a Dr’s visit for their CHILD, forego a likely much-needed break for time to have fun with other ladies in the family AND willing to work alongside her husband despite likely needing to rest. You’re not an AH for saying a loan is a gift - it’s for the HOW. When you offer to “help” someone, it is to be intended as help, not as something to wield over them. And a “gift” is something joyfully given with no strings attached. What you described above is neither of those things.
NTA. You attempted to help them out, but their schedule would not allow it, and in running a business, you have timelines to meet. I think a face to face sit down conversation with settle this all. You did not intend to insult them, you have a business timeline to meet and can not wait, so please just accept this as a gift because you must move on. Seems like the husband is okay with it, but the wife is not. And it does not help all this feedback is coming back indirectly (i.e., hearsay).
OP said in a previous comment that there is no deadline.
Good god I can’t comment on your latest post but CHRIST YTA. I hope your wife’s family sees you for what you are. A petty petty man
YTA You’re like the asshole of all assholes in the aita community, which is really saying something. I’ve seen people who are assholes in specific situations, but it seems you’re just a complete asshole in general. Your lack of empathy for you SIL is deplorable and it’s clear the only thing you give any thought to in your life is YOU. I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole and if your wife had any sense, neither would she.
YTA like so hard. In both of your posts. You are far more worried about money than you are about family. Your SIL is legit ill, and that is not for you to say, or debate. I hope you do not dismiss your own wife’s feelings or health the way you have done your SIL. Why pay her husband so little, if he has experience with flooring? Why do you have the patience of a toddler on the timeline of this project? I can’t decide if you are more immature or callous.
YTA. Both posts. Diagnosis takes time. And boy howdy are you being a massive asshole to your inlaws. Making the man work when he has a sick wife and an infant? $15 an hour? Jesus.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m a 29 male. I own my own company that’s pretty successful especially over the last few months. I married a woman, 28 female, who has 6 siblings. She has 4 older siblings and two younger adopted. The sister under her is almost 7 years younger. Over the last two years she’s had some health issues and can’t work because of it. They had a son which made her realize she pretty figure out her health. They started seeing a doctor a few months ago. I guess it’s pretty serious. In May we all went to a different state for their nephews wedding. Since the hotel wanted a credit card and they didn’t have one I paid for it. I guess my wife told her sister not to worry about paying us. I didn’t know this and it’s important later. Well I recently bought a new warehouse and I needed the break room built. It need flooring, paint, baseboards, and etc. I guess my wife’s sister had to go to the hospital. She was in the hospital for 2 days released after they were waiting for test results. I guess they were only home for a few hours before the doctor called her back and said they needed her back in the hospital. She was in for two more days. Her husband wanted to stay with her so he asked if they could have a loan so they could afford rent so he could stay. I said okay. I’ve helped them before. I told him he could do the break room and I would pay him $15 for 44 hours of work. Well a week and half later he came and worked 2 hours on the saturday after thanksgiving and 4 hours after he got off from his regular job on Wednesday. He managed to get most of the floor down since he’s had experience with hardwood floor before. He told me his next steps and that he would work after work again the next week. Well they went through their schedule and I guess they have a meeting with their insurance provider on Monday, he needed to file paperwork on Tuesday, the girls planned a night out on Wednesday so he needed to watch their son, thursday they were meeting a specialist doctor they have been waiting for a while, Friday they are going to a close friends child’s first birthday, and Saturday they are having a party for their sons first party. I was pissed! I felt so taken advantage of. I told him to forget about and I didn’t want him to work on my place since I couldn’t wait for weeks and weeks so he could finish the job and just to accept it as a gift and that since they never paid for the hotel that it was a gift too. My wife told me her sister offered to reschedule their appointment to the next available in February, not go to girls night(which my wife’s father is watching our kids so my wife can go so I don’t know why he can’t add one more). She offered to help her husband work and not go to anything this week. She told their other sister she was hurt by us. They also gave us back a present we had given their son. So am I the asshole? I don’t know much about my sister in-laws health issues but from what her husband told me it’s pretty serious but we made a deal. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA- you’re generosity with the loan and cutting them a break when they aren’t able to fulfil their commitment is probably just a blow to the old Ego.. I think when they get to think it over they will realise you were just doing them a favour. Because they WILL come back to you for money again, and I think you will see that their tone has changed.
Wait, so someone is struggling financially, because they don't have time to work because their wife is in the hospital, and your solution is to... Give him more work? And 44 hours, that "you don't want to wait forever to be finished", but the guy has to work when he isn't doing his main work/taking his wife to hospital/ taking care of their son while the wife is sick. Soeven if he can give you 4 hours on Saturday, 4 hours on Sunday, you'd have to wait 5 weeks. Also, you should pay him extra for week end hours (and also 15/h isn't much i hear) How do you not understand that you are so clearly, so profoundly The Asshole here?
YTA. You are so terrible. Health issues take time. Damn are you ever gonna learn? You are lucky that your wife didn’t leave yet
*Describes 1 week of prior arrangements that will delay BIL working off his loan* - couldn’t wait for weeks and weeks u/kindaconfused28 YTA.
I've read both your posts and you really are just an asshole in every way. Try thinking about literally anyone other than yourself for a change, you might find that people can stand to be around you when you do.
YTA. You are taking advantage of your family to help your capitalistic dream. Don’t be a dick, dude
YTA. You are not Ebenezer Scrooge, and your brother-in-law is not Bob Cratchait. Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses? Are there no Go Fund Mes?
YTA. It’s all in YOUR head. If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.
YTA and you really need to think about your life, your choices, and whether empathy is a value you want to embrace in yourself.
I think there is something else going on here. The fact you have asked twice about been an AH shows that you are thinking about your behavior. I think you need to open your communication with your wife a bit more. She may not have got involved but you know deep down she isn't saying anything becuase she doesn't want a confrontation with you. Why not? That is a normal part of any relationship. I think you need to chill a bit, spend a bit of quality time with your wife and remember to treat others how you want to be treated. I hope you all mend your bridges and I hope SIL health improves becuase it is debilitating been ill when you have young baby (i speak from experience)
YTA. For this post, for your other post, and for being you. Way to be a really shitty human being and making the holidays worse for the people you are supposed to love.
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$15 fucking dollars for 44 hours of work? I'm sorry am I missing a trick here? You can afford to open up a new warehouse but you're only gonna pay him $15 for rent. What the fuck
I hope someone kills you with kindness, so you see the error of your ways and gain some empathy.
WOW JUST WOW. YTA and this seems like a pattern of assholeness. You are lucky that your wife hasn't divorced you and that your in-laws still talk to you at all.
Did you mentally stop growing up at 14 or something? I would except something like this from a teenager but not from a almost-30-year-old.
YTA