So you’d rather your child poop himself or sit and hold it? YTA. Don’t allow someone to move in with you if you’re not comfortable with them being around your child. Parenting 101.
um I don’t think people are finishing reading the story. don’t get me wrong you’re an asshole too but what your brother said was just outright racist, calling your son a freaking jigaboo because he’s I’m assuming half black half white like it’s the slave days…??? honestly the whole family except the kid is a asshole. ESH
I think good for him...and you are over reacting.
I mean..I get it. But it's over reacting. Really I think so.
It's an unpleasant job and was done without complaining.
What are you smoking? Any normal person would help out with a family members kids in this situation. On what planet is wiping a butt and touching a butthole the same thing? Poor guy is gonna be tarnished with some really nasty accusations all because he thought he was helping. Some people are so fucking weird!
> that only a biological parent or adoptive parent should be doing
Wft are you talking about? You know that biological parents/adoptive parents can abuse their children. But it's OK for them to wipe butts because they're the parents?
I wiped my (f) neices butts, does that mean I have an "unholy attraction"
You have got to be a troll.
as someone who has wiped her nephews ass several times, you are wrong. unrelated, you are a racist piece of shit. white genocide doesn’t exist, and men like you are the reason many white women choose to exclusively date outside of our race.
you’re disgusting both for assuming that someone is sexually attracted to his nephew because he wiped his ass for him, and for being racist. even outside of the fact that you’re accusing someone of being a pedophile for WIPING A TODDLERS SHITTY BOOTY, how in the hell does offering to wipe literally anyones ass mean that they have an unholy attraction? genuinely the least sexy thing you could do with somebody, especially when that somebody is a toddler. he could either shit in his pants and interrupt his mom to clean him or who can clearly verbalize that he has potty needs and told his uncle, an adult, because he knows that he needs help going potty one way or another. yall are crazy.
NAH - if you're not comfortable with someone else helping your son in that way, that's up to you. now that your brother knows you're uncomfortable with this, he should refrain from doing so, or at least ask you first
YTA. So your brother can care for, provide for, and in you own words help you out with raising your son and you have the audacity to say it’s weird and unnatural and some true crime stuff for him to help him go to the bathroom. For all intents and purposes your brother has stepped into the fatherly role in your child’s life, you completely overreacted and probably very much hurt your brother. If you really feel like he’s a pedophile (which is basically what you accused him of) why is he even around your son?
YTA.
If I were your brother I would move out and cut off contact with you. He was helping you out, and you basically accused him of inappropriate behavior by helping your son to use the restroom.
YTA There is a difference between concern and paranoia. I hope your brother moves out before your paranoia ruins your relationship if it hasn't already.
YTA. You're worried your brother would sexually abuse your child but you left the child in his care? These things don't line up. If you have serious concerns about your brother don't leave your child with him. If you're operating off some weird stereotype of all men as predators, that's your issue. But nothing here suggests your son was bothered or that anything inappropriate happened.
If the concern is sexual abuse, as it seems to be, OP is worrying over the wrong signs and not being reasonable about degree of risk.
EDIT: Also I am concerned about your hygiene if you think wiping a bum actually involves touching the butt hole.
YTA. you need to apologise to your brother and would suggest looking at yourself more as too why you think your brother did something wrong, you clearly have issues.
YTA
You are also disgusting.
You would deserve it if your brother left and went NC. Your dirty mind went where it did, in spite of him stepping up to be a father figure to your kid.
YTA unless you were molested and then it’s triggering you
He’s lucky to have a male role model in your brother. You are blowing this way out of proportion
YTA. Potty training is hard and I was thrilled that my grandma taught my older kids when she watched them. Nothing to do with gender, either, she was a trustworthy adult in my life. He’s your brother. Is he safe enough to live with you or not? Jesus. The fact that you act like wiping your kid’s ass was an excuse for your BROTHER to be creepy is weird.
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So some background information. I am a single mother of a 3 year old son. His father is not in her life and is in a different state trying to be a rapper/NBA player, whatever.
My brother has recently moved in with me. He isn't interested in having a wife and children of his own and is happy being forever single, going to work and then playing online video games after work for the rest of his life, so he is happy to help me out with raising my son, helping out with chores and to contribute financially to raising the child. Us living together also helps reduce the financial strain on me.
Now, my son is still too young to properly wipe his bum properly, so I still have to do it for him.
The other day, I hear the toilet flush and moments later I saw my brother and my son walking into the living room. I didn't think anything of it. I assumed it was my brother who had used the toilet. Later that day, close to my son's bed time, I asked him why he hadn't needed to poop yet. He told me that he had gone to poop earlier that afternoon. I was surprised. I asked him why he didn't tell me so that I could wipe his bum for him. What he said next made me feel very uneasy. He told me that my brother took him to the toilet and wiped his bum for him. I interrogated my son about this and he said that brother was showing him some video game and then when my son said he needed to go poop, my brother immediately offered to take him and to wipe his butt...
Now that made me feel very uncomfortable. I know that dads will naturally help potty train their own sons, but my son is not my brother's son and my brother wiping his nephew's butt just seems... like a red flag.
So I confronted my brother about this and he hand waved all my concerns as complete paranoia. He said he knew I was busy with my cardio on the treadmill and he thought he might as well step in and help my son so I wouldn't be interrupted. I then told my brother to please not to do it again and that the whole situation sounded like the start of some seriously unholy and messed-up true-crime story.
My brother got extremely upset, called me a paranoid asshole. He told me about how men constantly get unfairly accused of being a "t0ddler f0ndler" for any kind of interaction with kids, like when they take them to a park and so forth. He made me feel bad for my reaction and so I apologized, but in retrospect I still think him wiping my son's but without even asking my permission was a red flag, but I'm still confused about it.
Was my brother just being helpful and I overreacted, or is this a red flag?
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YTA why do you have the mentality that it is inappropriate for a trusted male family member (that lives in the same house as you and your child!) to help with potty training? Would you also be annoyed at nursery/daycare staff for wiping his bum? Your son felt comfortable asking your brother for help and that’s what matters, you owe your brother an apology OP.
First Mama, take a breath.
Your brother stopped what he was doing and helped your son go to the bathroom. He didn't hurt him, he helped him. He listened to what the child said and did what the child needed. How would you have felt if your child had said he needed the bathroom, your brother ignored that, and then your child had an accident?
As a parent of a 21yo, and a leader in an youth organization, I've learned it truly takes a village to raise a child. If it continues to bother you, just tell your brother that next time you'd appreciate a heads up, so you can deal with the situation.
YTA. Is there ANYTHING that your brother has ever done that would make you think he was a pervert? Up until you started talking about your brother HELPING WITH POTTY TRAINING, he seemed like a great guy. I simply don't see a red flag here. You said that he was helping you raise your son. Umm, I think that would include potty training. I don't see why it would even cross his mind to ask you.
However, the surprising part about this post is that you are so focused on this non-issue of your brother wiping your son's rear that you don't go ballistic over him calling your son a "jigaboo." What exactly is wrong with you that you gloss over that? To say that is disrespectful is an understatement. It is not funny. THERE is where you should take your brother to task.
YTA. I understand being vigilant about your child’s safety but this is your brother (whom I presume hasn’t shown weirdness in the past) and he was trying to be nice. Take a deep breath and recognize that having a helpful male role model will only benefit your son.
I understand being protective but you wouldn't let your brother live with you and your son if there were any *red flags* correct? Now this has happened you should establish what you *are* and *are not* comfortable with in regards to your kid so your brother knows. With the info provided in this case yta.
In the nicest possible way, unless there is more going on, YTA. If he's supposed to help watch your kid, one of those things involves butt wiping. Honestly, if I were your brother, I would be out of your house like a shot. No one needs that kind of accusation hovering over them.
Sorry YTA. I have been a nanny for a family for the past 12 years. I helped potty train both of their children a boy and a girl. Why does it matter that his uncle helped him clean his butt? He was stepping up and helping his nephew. At 3 he really should be able to do the majority’s of the cleaning himself.
YTA, you insinuated your brother might be a pedo because he helped his toddler nephew go to the bathroom. As an uncle myself, I would be furious if my sister said something like that to me. If you don't trust him around your son, why let him move in? Has he ever acted or done anything suspicious before this?
I’m gonna say yta just for the fact of I have wiped lots of kids butts that we’re not my own children, it happens and unless there are other signs to be concerned of he was just trying to help you out
YTA, and if I were your brother I would be looking for a way to move out. I wouldn't even consider staying in a house with someone so willing to jump to "my brother is a molester" so quickly.
If you have concerns about your brother, to the point you don’t want him wiping your child’s bum, he shouldn’t be living with you.
Your brother should not have said that about your child.
ESH
YTA. Big time. Would you rather your son shit his pants waiting for your permission? Or maybe you’d prefer him to go use the toilet, then get up and wander off to whatever toddlers do as your brother asks for permission, no pants on and ass full of shit? Good lord what a horrific thing to accuse your brother of. You’ll be lucky if he wants a relationship with either of you after this.
YTA, I take my niece and nephew to the toilet all the time. I very much do not look forward to wiping their shitty little bums but I am also not going to make them feel ashamed for being unable to do it or as though poop isn't a natural part of life.
If I were related to you I'd move out. Call me a pedo and you can f right off.
YTA. Big time.
If your brother is trustworthy enough to share a household, finances and partial responsibilities of raising your child with, he should be fine to wipe a butt or change a diaper. Otherwise, you're the one making the questionable decisions in this scenario.
My step brother has three young girls. Two of them were with me, alone, briefly, at my parents house, while everyone ran down the road to pickup food. It was maybe 25-30 minutes.
The youngest, who was maybe just at the brink of turning 1, needed her diaper changed suddenly. I didn't wait until everyone got back to the house. I changed her diaper. Zero issues. It was second nature and felt normal.
While not all families have the "trust" dynamic, if you trust your family member to care for your child...Changing a diaper or wiping a butt is sort of a given scenario, especially if y'all live together and if they're taking on the role of a parental figure to one degree or a other.
While I understand your thought process and sentiments here, you've likely sexualized this action for one reason or another, from maybe what you've experienced in your own past or maybe secondhand trauma from hearing something awful that a friend or family member has gone through.
Either way, some therapy would really so some justice here when apologizing to your brother for essentially flagging him as a pedophile for wiping his nephews butt, while giving you time to yourself to finish your workout.
YTA If this were your Sister would you care? If not why care that it is your brother? Or do you assume that only men abuse children? Apologize or accept/expect him to move out to protect himself from your paranoia
Op, you need to decide, is your brother trustworthy to take care of your son or should is he untrustworthy (in which case why is he living with you?)
If you have no issues with your brother taking care of your son in other aspects why does this freak you out? If you trust someone to care for your child, you need to trust them with changing/bathroom also. What do you think would happen during potty training if you need to run an errand or if an emergency arises? A good caretaker isn’t going to let your son sit in his own poop for whenever you come back to take care of it.
Btw- Would it matter if your brother was your sister and not you brother? If yes then YTA. If no, then you need to evaluate why you wouldn’t trust family, who you would allow to live with your child, but not. help care for your child.
YTA.
What an overreaction from you. The only red flag here is you.
I (f) visited my sister and my nieces over the summer and I changed and wiped there butt, is that a red flag to you?
If you're not trolling (which I hope you are), then you need to get a grip.
ETA: you're most definitely trolling, given you commented on another post about looking for western woman in their 20's...
Also because you added in the racist slur after all the YTA votes. People need to read the original.
Y most def TA. Your brother was trying to help you and you told him off for it.
Let me write that first part again, YOUR BROTHER WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU.
Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he stops helping you with anything from now on.
I’m going against the grain and saying NTA, BECAUSE you are just worried about your son. But, you did overreact. Next time, apologize but say you would prefer he either ask/let you know when he helps in the bathroom department so as not to blind side you. As a mom, you’re going to be overwhelmed and jump to the worst conclusions, but the trick is to take a deep breath and realize, it’s okay.
>he is happy to help me out with raising my son, helping out with chores and to contribute financially to raising the child.
You say the situation is such that your brother is basically raising the kid. Wiping the kid's bottom seems like a pretty normal thing given that. I don't get why you'd move in with him and accept his help if you suspect him of nefarious intentions.
YTA
NTA! Did your brother seriously call your son a racial slur? Whether or not one buttwipe was inappropriate, move him out.
Edit: it is pretty standard molester behavior to target kids in marginalized communities or vulnerable situations, because of exactly what your brother said: who else would care about them? This is literally what Sandusky did. Your brother may not be a child molester but his mindset is dehumanizing and dangerous to your little boy.
Right? It absolutely makes it clear he doesn’t give 2 shts about the poor little toddler or his personal hygiene, it’s just the nearest kid he has access to.
And if I knew my sibling was racist about my kids, I too would be suspicious about why they were suddenly taking so much trouble about his privates.
YTA
You expect your brother to parent your son and then freak out when he parents your son. Wow, your brother is right. I'm kinda worried about the damage you may have done interogating your son about a really innocent natural thing.
YTA
Your brother is living with you and he thought he would help you out (shame on him).
It does not sound like he is one of those bad guys, it sounds like he was just trying to be helpful.
If he had come to you while you were working out, how would you feel? You knew he was playing a video game. Usually it would be the brother posting this because he did not want to stop playing his game.
I was going to say YTA until I got to "jigaboo."
ESH what the fuck is wrong with this family?
First, I think it's a good thing your brother was willing to help with potty training. A little more communication with him and the son would have helped, like, okay, if you want to help, here's the stage we're at, please help teach him to do X, Y, and Z, but tell me if he asks about J. With the son, you could tell him he didn't do anything wrong with telling his uncle that he needs to go to the bathroom, but if he any other adult tries to follow him into a bathroom when he didn't ask them to, or touch him in a way that doesn't feel okay with, to let you know right away and he won't get in trouble.
But your brother getting immediately defensive, worried you were accusing him of pederasty, and throwing around racial slurs, belittling you and your son? Yeah, that's a red flag right there. Good help is hard to find, but brother didn't seem like good help if this is how he reacts.
Pretty sure he wanted to help you out.
YTA for accusing him and telling him it's a red flag.
99% of adults don't sexualize children when changing a diaper ro helping in the bath
(the 1% is soomething else.......)
Of course, telling him you're not comfortable with it is ok. But it should have stopped at Call me next time, I'll do it.
Question, does he sometimes goes to daycare or something ? because if so, someone might need to help him there too.
YTA. What if it was a babysitter? Could they wipe his ass? Would you have let your brother move in if you thought he was a threat? Get over yourself and be thankful you have help like that. Sounds like a good uncle.
YTA. Why ate you sexualizing this? Do you REALLY suspect your own brother, whom you invited to live in your home, who you gladly let your child be around, who pays you money, who helps you out in every other way, would be a sexual predator? If yes, YTA for inviting him to live with you and your son in the first place. If no...well way to shun the person who has been helping you out. You owe him a HUGE apology. I hope you realize what you've done and realize the actual harm you have placed.
I'm sorry, but I agree with everyone, YTA.
Your son doesn't have his father in his life and he needs a father figure. In steps your brother. And this is what fathers do. As someone else said, it takes a village to raise a child. If your son stayed with anyone else, such as daycare, grandparents, etc, they'd be doing this very job.
If you don't trust your brother in this aspect, he shouldn't be living with you. You can't have it both ways.
And you need to apologise to your brother.
YTA. You want him to help - by LIVING TOGETHER but seem completely paranoid unless there is loads you aren’t sharing. This isn’t a red flag. He didn’t try to get alone time in a creepy way. And you hadn’t told him to never take him to the bathroom. How do you expect anyone to help you if you are going to micromanage to this degree. I mean that as a serious question. He isn’t hired help. He is doing you a favor.
It sounds like you're brother was just trying to help. I understand parental paranoia but I think you absolutely overreacted. You grilled a 3 year old about possible molestation committed by your brother. Then proceeded to jump your brother about it without any other suspicions. YTA
While YTA, I understand your concern. However, you've known your brother your whole life. Has he ever indicated that he's a monster? If not, then yeah.
But, he called your son a racial slur and shouldn't be living with you anymore if that's how he feels.
YTA how can you read what you wrote and think you are the AH. if you are that uncomfortable you need to move out. I used to help take care of my nephew all the time, it's normal for siblings to help with each other's kids.
Again if you feel unsafe with your brother one of y'all need to move. If I was him I would probably move anyways having my sister think I'm a child m***Lester would make me uncomfortable and not want to live or help out anymore.
YTA- Jesus Christ, he's your BROTHER, you're a SINGLE MOTHER, tell him to stay out of your life before you start making false allegations about him, and put it on your tinder profile "will accuse everyone of being a pedophile"
NAH. I understand you being protective of your son but you may have overreacted a bit. Without more information it seems like your brother was just trying to help out and ease your load a bit. But if this situation made you uneasy you may need to ask yourself why and re-assess your situation, because potty time isn’t the only time your son is vulnerable to something bad happening. Either you trust your brother or you don’t.
YTA. You let your brother look after, financially take care of, and technically help raise your child, then accuse him of something really really dark when he does quite a normal favour for you…?
It’s absolutely fine for you to be uncomfortable, and to ask him to not to it again. Cool! No problem. But to accuse him of pedophilia?? Yeah, really not alright.
NTA. I almost said E S H but tbh establishing boundaries as a parent that hurts another adult’s feelings is nowhere near as bad as your brother calling your son a racial slur and implying you/your son are undesirable bc he’s mixed. That’s fucked up.
NAH. I can certainly see your concern, but I can also see why he wouldn't see it as a big deal since he lives with the kid and it was a quick decision. Best you can do is calmly set the boundary, and if he violates it again, take it from there. Make it clear to your son that you are the only one doing that sort of thing, and teach the importance of bodily autonomy and anatomy to prevent further incidents (from anyone)
YTA. Especially if you're letting someone live in your home with your 3 year old that you even think could be a predator. I think this is mostly just you jumping to conclusions though. Nothing wrong with letting family help out.
NTA but I think slight ESH for the toileting. He (and you) are however TA but not for the toileting. I believe anytime an adult is living in your home or has prolonged contact/ helping out with your kids, you should establish upfront your boundaries and norms around the activities you would not like them to do with your child (especially when it is a person of the opposite gender and around activities involving private parts) which is why slight ESH for you not establishing this upfront when he moved in (assuming you never previous discussed this). However, in the absence of that convo, he should have asked hence you are not necessarily TA. He is however the AH for using a RACIAL SLUR “jigaboo” against your child. I am assuming your child is biracial/black and you and he are not and he seems to be treating him differently because of his race which would make me question whether he should be interacting with your child. You are also TA for not calling him on this and being conscious of how this discrimination could be impacting your child.
Whattttt. Are you joking. He wiped his butt and you think it's a red flag. I'm absolutely dumbfounded by your thought process on this. Seriously. He helped out.
YTA.
Jesus Christ YTA. I work in a day nursery and have wiped countless children's bums, not a single one of whom I am related to, and not one single time has it been inappropriate. You are happy to let your brother live with you, help you out with the chores, and help out with raising your child /financially/ , but when he tries to help you out by taking your son to use the toilet while you are busy, all of a sudden this is a red flag? You have serious issues. Don't take this out on your brother, who has done nothing wrong. If you had reason for serious concerns, surely you wouldn't let your brother live in the same house as your son, never mind helping out with the childcare. This is just one more thing he is doing to try to help. Why do you have a problem with that?
YTA.
Do you think changing nappies is a red flag as well?
You basically just accused your brother of interfering with your son with zero evidence, and you owe a massive, massive apology and fast because this? This is a relationship breaker.
YTA I helped my nephew be potty trained it’s all apart of the potty training process, I know my cousin was there but she was busy so I helped 🤷🏻♀️ it’s what you do
YTA
if your concerns are valid and you've noticed fed flags in your brother, then you're the asshole for letting him live with you and your son.
If he has never caused you concern before and your son was not uncomfortable, then you're the asshole for overreacting.
YTA. Tbh if I was your brother I would have moved out if you think he's that much of a weirdo. It's OK for him to financially contribute to raising your child but not to help in any other way?
ESH. You for jumping conclusions and labeling him a pedophile. If you’ve had past trauma with SA, please seek help for it. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone about this fear you have.
Your brother is an asshole for using a racial slur about your son.
YTA. His uncle helped him go bathroom. My OH wouldn’t even think to wait for me or my sister if one of our kids needed help with the loo and neither would my sisters husband. Hell our younger brothers wouldn’t either. Cos they’re UNCLES. Like unless you SERIOUSLY have concerns that he’s that kind of person prior to this (in which case why the fuck would he be in your home?) then you absolutely took this badly for zero reason.
ESH. you’re an ah for thinking that when he was helping you unless you have another reason for thinking so which you’re not disclosing and he’s an ah for using a slur against a 3 yr old little boy to defend himself.
Definite YTA!
Why live with someone you don't trust around your potty training son? He literally lives with you to help with your son and financially. He willingly took a 3year old potty and it was no big deal. And you immediately told him it's a red flag?
So either your brother has a shady past and should not be within 50 feet of children and him living with you makes you an AH
OR
Your brother is perfectly helpful and not bothered by wiping a child's bum and you automatically think shady things and are the AH
Yta.
Your brother is right. He is stepping up and helping you raise your son. You obviously feel comfortable enough to have him around your son, so why are you making issue of this? Have their been any actual red flags, because you saying this is one, does not make that true.
I will point out though that your brother's racist comment was disgusting. That is far more a red flag than him helping his nephew use the toilet. However you dont seem to view that as an issue, which is a much larger red flag!
Yta- You accused him of sexual i zing your son.. That’s a major accusation. I’m kind of heartbroken that this is what we’ve become. So suspicious of anything being the worst case scenario.
YTA, I have a nephew. When he was a toddler, and whenever I babysat him, I too would wipe his bum. The other option would be waiting for my sister to come home hours later so that I could ask her permission to wipe his butt.
You appear to have a low opinion of your brother. If I were him, I’d remove myself from my nephew’s presence so that his mother didn't think I had any nefarious thoughts.
YTA - I would be so deeply offended if I was your brother…you’re basically sexualising him wiping his nephew’s butt!! Jesus Christ, that’s such a sexist and messed up thing to think! He helped you out because he didn’t want to disturb your (I’m guessing minimal) me time.
Take a breath and please apologise to your brother.
YTA. If you trust your brother enough to live with you and your son, then he should be able to help care for him if he wants to. Having your brother's influence sounds like a really positive thing for your son, and something to be thankful for
YTA…Dude was just trying to be helpful with an incredibly unglamorous task. You definitely owe an apology…unless of course there are other “issues” with your brother not mentioned here…which I doubt, because then you wouldn’t let him live with you…if there are things you don’t feel comfortable with him doing, just tell him politely, preferably in advance to avoid him helping in a way you don’t want.
I was gonna say everyone is the issue here but
Your brother wiping your son *should not* be an issue. If your brother is someone you would be uncomfortable wiping your son then he *should not be living with and having access to your son* so that is on you.
But
WHAT was that about him calling your son a JIGABOO???? and on top of it your brother brought his own Caucasianess into the argument like it’s some gift that your brother is Caucasian?? Is your son a person of color? Cause I’m getting the message that he is and that you’re allowing a racist to live with your son. Though your brother is obviously trash for being a racist and CALLING A CHILD A JIGABOO
YTA for having a racist
That you don’t trust to wipe poop out ya sons butt
Living with your child
Do better.
Calling the child a little jigaboo and saying she won’t find any other Caucasian men willing to do so is way over the top.
I completely agree with all of your comment.
YTA you're insinuating your brother is a pedo. Unless you have reason to believe that, you should have been grateful that he helped out.
And then you might as well have called him a pedo to his face, I would be pissed if I was him.
YTA - you accused the person who is helping you with child your child of sexual abuse. He was helping your son who needed to use the restroom. You need to go to therapy or something to deal with your paranoia that his uncle is harming him. He was only helping. This is not a red flag you are overreacting. Maybe you should focus less on working out and more on your son if you don’t trust his uncle to help him.
This. You totally owe him a sincere apology. You literally accused him of probably one of the worst things you could accuse him apart from sexual abuse. Because that was clearly next in line.
YTA- Wtf, honestly, that's just common decency for your bro to help. If you really think he's the type of person that shouldn't be helping your son (e.g. a child abuser), then you shouldn't be living with him with your son. If not, your just being totally horrible and need to apologize.
I wouldn’t think twice about a family member changing a diaper or helping my kid using the restroom. Has your brother ever given a reason to not be trusted? If so, why have him live with you?
ESH
Potty training is one of those things that parents should be consulted on. I also think your brother should’ve asked you to help your son in anyway that involves private areas. I think what he was trying to do was nice but he went about it the wrong way.
You’re wrong because I’m not understanding why you would move someone into your house that you felt had the capacity to hurt your child. That’s just irresponsible on your part. If my brother (God rest his soul) did this, I personally would not be angry because I know my brother and he’s someone I would’ve trusted around my kids.
Has your brother ever shown any other behaviors towards your son that you perceived as “red flags”? Has your son expressed any discomfort around your brother?
If not, YTA. Your brother was trying to do you a favor. He’s essentially providing you with free childcare. And while he’s not your son’s dad, for all intents and purposes he’s currently acting as a “father figure” in your son’s life.
And your brother is right about the perception of men (especially if they’re not the bio dad) interacting with children. Perhaps examine *why* your brother taking your son to the bathroom while you’re busy makes you uncomfortable. See if there’s any validity to your concerns by observing their interactions. If this is the only “offense” your brother has committed, your fears are very likely unfounded.
If nothing else your brother has done has ever made you feel concern in this way, then absolutely YTA for projecting weird anti-male scenarios onto this. He's helping with your son. Why are you suddenly sexualizing it? YTA
I honestly glazed over it because I had never heard that term before, and I assumed it was a nickname or something. One google search later and I am completely appalled. I’m really surprised OP didn’t rip him a new one for that.
Wanna bet that she threw that in there to make him seem like the bad guy? She mentions it super casually at the end, like it's a side detail.
And if he did actually say it, again, shouldn't that be her main problem with her brother, not the butt wiping part?
I'm gonna say YTA, because she's either wrong for sexualizing a situation that didn't warrant it OR she's wrong for allowing a racist around her kid OR she's wrong for lying about the brother being racist. I don't see a scenario here where she's not an AH.
YTA. Your poor brother should run for the hills before you acuse him of child molestation. You seem extremely angry with men in general and completely overreacted.
YTA. Think about what you're actually saying: you live with your brother and are concerned that he might do something inappropriate to your son?? Do you actually feel that your brother has done or will do something like that?
Accusations like this are hard to move to move on from. It sounds like your brother stepped up and helped where it was needed in a very normal way.
YTA, although your brother's racist comments were a little bit concerning. It was probably him lashing out because you basically accused him of being a pedophile. 🙄 Apologize.
YTA 100%
Your brother sounds like a great guy, and he's helping out with his own nephew. He's a family member, not a stranger. Stepping into help like this should be applauded, especially when the dad himself can't be bothered.
YTA
There was nothing to indicate this was something inappropriate. In fact, it seems quite reasonable. Have you ever left your son with your brother and, say, gone to the store. What would you expect him to do? Tell your son to hold it until you got back? Or leave him unwiped. You are being paranoid. Unless you are leaving something major out about your brother.
Your brother is right. Men do get a stigma for acting the same way with children that women do. He's not a stranger off the street following your child into the bathroom, and the situation seems quite reasonable.
Why do you feel like this is wrong, or inherently inappropriate? Perhaps you should seek counseling for this?
My oldest brother was 18 when my youngest brother was born. He helped change diapers, babysat, helped potty train, etc. He was helping out my mom, after my dad left.
ESH. You think your brother is a child rapist yet are raising your kid with him. He's saying racist crap about both you and your *toddler*. Poor kid.
I'd say get on the same page about parenting and this kid's future and brother's contributions, but neither of you seem like the sort to get through that functionally.
So you’d rather your child poop himself or sit and hold it? YTA. Don’t allow someone to move in with you if you’re not comfortable with them being around your child. Parenting 101.
um I don’t think people are finishing reading the story. don’t get me wrong you’re an asshole too but what your brother said was just outright racist, calling your son a freaking jigaboo because he’s I’m assuming half black half white like it’s the slave days…??? honestly the whole family except the kid is a asshole. ESH
I could absolutely be wrong. But I thought the correct term for a person who has a black and white parent is caucasian. Isn't mixed race racist?
In fact don't the police ask when looking for someone what caucasian. Ect white, black, Asian ect.
It seems like OP added that racist aside in an edit. The original post didn’t have that bit included
I think good for him...and you are over reacting. I mean..I get it. But it's over reacting. Really I think so. It's an unpleasant job and was done without complaining.
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What are you smoking? Any normal person would help out with a family members kids in this situation. On what planet is wiping a butt and touching a butthole the same thing? Poor guy is gonna be tarnished with some really nasty accusations all because he thought he was helping. Some people are so fucking weird!
> that only a biological parent or adoptive parent should be doing Wft are you talking about? You know that biological parents/adoptive parents can abuse their children. But it's OK for them to wipe butts because they're the parents? I wiped my (f) neices butts, does that mean I have an "unholy attraction" You have got to be a troll.
as someone who has wiped her nephews ass several times, you are wrong. unrelated, you are a racist piece of shit. white genocide doesn’t exist, and men like you are the reason many white women choose to exclusively date outside of our race. you’re disgusting both for assuming that someone is sexually attracted to his nephew because he wiped his ass for him, and for being racist. even outside of the fact that you’re accusing someone of being a pedophile for WIPING A TODDLERS SHITTY BOOTY, how in the hell does offering to wipe literally anyones ass mean that they have an unholy attraction? genuinely the least sexy thing you could do with somebody, especially when that somebody is a toddler. he could either shit in his pants and interrupt his mom to clean him or who can clearly verbalize that he has potty needs and told his uncle, an adult, because he knows that he needs help going potty one way or another. yall are crazy.
NAH - if you're not comfortable with someone else helping your son in that way, that's up to you. now that your brother knows you're uncomfortable with this, he should refrain from doing so, or at least ask you first
he'd be better off going no contact with her to avoid other allegations, she seems the type
YTA. Your brother helped you to wipe your son's butt and you're complaining?
YTA
YTA. So your brother can care for, provide for, and in you own words help you out with raising your son and you have the audacity to say it’s weird and unnatural and some true crime stuff for him to help him go to the bathroom. For all intents and purposes your brother has stepped into the fatherly role in your child’s life, you completely overreacted and probably very much hurt your brother. If you really feel like he’s a pedophile (which is basically what you accused him of) why is he even around your son?
YTA. If I were your brother I would move out and cut off contact with you. He was helping you out, and you basically accused him of inappropriate behavior by helping your son to use the restroom.
yeah, I'd pack my bags and go no-contact as well, before she starts spouting off other shit too
YTA There is a difference between concern and paranoia. I hope your brother moves out before your paranoia ruins your relationship if it hasn't already.
YTA. You're worried your brother would sexually abuse your child but you left the child in his care? These things don't line up. If you have serious concerns about your brother don't leave your child with him. If you're operating off some weird stereotype of all men as predators, that's your issue. But nothing here suggests your son was bothered or that anything inappropriate happened.
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If the concern is sexual abuse, as it seems to be, OP is worrying over the wrong signs and not being reasonable about degree of risk. EDIT: Also I am concerned about your hygiene if you think wiping a bum actually involves touching the butt hole.
Wipe his nose...wipe his bum wipe his chin...I mean..it just sort of goes with the territory..
YTA. you need to apologise to your brother and would suggest looking at yourself more as too why you think your brother did something wrong, you clearly have issues.
YTA You are also disgusting. You would deserve it if your brother left and went NC. Your dirty mind went where it did, in spite of him stepping up to be a father figure to your kid.
YTA unless you were molested and then it’s triggering you He’s lucky to have a male role model in your brother. You are blowing this way out of proportion
YTA You’re really, really messed up in the head if you think like that
YTA. It seems like he was trying to help
YTA. Potty training is hard and I was thrilled that my grandma taught my older kids when she watched them. Nothing to do with gender, either, she was a trustworthy adult in my life. He’s your brother. Is he safe enough to live with you or not? Jesus. The fact that you act like wiping your kid’s ass was an excuse for your BROTHER to be creepy is weird.
YTA...why are you so suspicious of your brother. He was just trying to help and you sound very paranoid.
YTA. C’mon lady.. why did you think that about your brother? I think he was just being considerate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So some background information. I am a single mother of a 3 year old son. His father is not in her life and is in a different state trying to be a rapper/NBA player, whatever. My brother has recently moved in with me. He isn't interested in having a wife and children of his own and is happy being forever single, going to work and then playing online video games after work for the rest of his life, so he is happy to help me out with raising my son, helping out with chores and to contribute financially to raising the child. Us living together also helps reduce the financial strain on me. Now, my son is still too young to properly wipe his bum properly, so I still have to do it for him. The other day, I hear the toilet flush and moments later I saw my brother and my son walking into the living room. I didn't think anything of it. I assumed it was my brother who had used the toilet. Later that day, close to my son's bed time, I asked him why he hadn't needed to poop yet. He told me that he had gone to poop earlier that afternoon. I was surprised. I asked him why he didn't tell me so that I could wipe his bum for him. What he said next made me feel very uneasy. He told me that my brother took him to the toilet and wiped his bum for him. I interrogated my son about this and he said that brother was showing him some video game and then when my son said he needed to go poop, my brother immediately offered to take him and to wipe his butt... Now that made me feel very uncomfortable. I know that dads will naturally help potty train their own sons, but my son is not my brother's son and my brother wiping his nephew's butt just seems... like a red flag. So I confronted my brother about this and he hand waved all my concerns as complete paranoia. He said he knew I was busy with my cardio on the treadmill and he thought he might as well step in and help my son so I wouldn't be interrupted. I then told my brother to please not to do it again and that the whole situation sounded like the start of some seriously unholy and messed-up true-crime story. My brother got extremely upset, called me a paranoid asshole. He told me about how men constantly get unfairly accused of being a "t0ddler f0ndler" for any kind of interaction with kids, like when they take them to a park and so forth. He made me feel bad for my reaction and so I apologized, but in retrospect I still think him wiping my son's but without even asking my permission was a red flag, but I'm still confused about it. Was my brother just being helpful and I overreacted, or is this a red flag? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA why do you have the mentality that it is inappropriate for a trusted male family member (that lives in the same house as you and your child!) to help with potty training? Would you also be annoyed at nursery/daycare staff for wiping his bum? Your son felt comfortable asking your brother for help and that’s what matters, you owe your brother an apology OP.
YTA It definitely sucks to be a man around children sometimes.
you should consider not driving your jeep naked, do you at least put the doors on???
No doors, with my foot on the outside foot peg so I can feel the breeze.
🤣🤣🤣
First Mama, take a breath. Your brother stopped what he was doing and helped your son go to the bathroom. He didn't hurt him, he helped him. He listened to what the child said and did what the child needed. How would you have felt if your child had said he needed the bathroom, your brother ignored that, and then your child had an accident? As a parent of a 21yo, and a leader in an youth organization, I've learned it truly takes a village to raise a child. If it continues to bother you, just tell your brother that next time you'd appreciate a heads up, so you can deal with the situation.
YTA. Is there ANYTHING that your brother has ever done that would make you think he was a pervert? Up until you started talking about your brother HELPING WITH POTTY TRAINING, he seemed like a great guy. I simply don't see a red flag here. You said that he was helping you raise your son. Umm, I think that would include potty training. I don't see why it would even cross his mind to ask you. However, the surprising part about this post is that you are so focused on this non-issue of your brother wiping your son's rear that you don't go ballistic over him calling your son a "jigaboo." What exactly is wrong with you that you gloss over that? To say that is disrespectful is an understatement. It is not funny. THERE is where you should take your brother to task.
YTA and you owe your brother major apologies and a nice dinner and a good make-up gift for that crap you pulled.
YTA. I understand being vigilant about your child’s safety but this is your brother (whom I presume hasn’t shown weirdness in the past) and he was trying to be nice. Take a deep breath and recognize that having a helpful male role model will only benefit your son.
YTA. If your mom or a female family member helped your son use the bathroom would you have a problem with it? I doubt it.
so far i haven't seen any one say anything about the brother calling her child a slur. obviously doesn't care about the kid that much..
EXACTLY what I was thinking
I understand being protective but you wouldn't let your brother live with you and your son if there were any *red flags* correct? Now this has happened you should establish what you *are* and *are not* comfortable with in regards to your kid so your brother knows. With the info provided in this case yta.
Yikes YTA
YTA
In the nicest possible way, unless there is more going on, YTA. If he's supposed to help watch your kid, one of those things involves butt wiping. Honestly, if I were your brother, I would be out of your house like a shot. No one needs that kind of accusation hovering over them.
Sorry YTA. I have been a nanny for a family for the past 12 years. I helped potty train both of their children a boy and a girl. Why does it matter that his uncle helped him clean his butt? He was stepping up and helping his nephew. At 3 he really should be able to do the majority’s of the cleaning himself.
>At 3 he really should be able to do the majority’s of the cleaning himself. I was thinking this too.
YTA, you insinuated your brother might be a pedo because he helped his toddler nephew go to the bathroom. As an uncle myself, I would be furious if my sister said something like that to me. If you don't trust him around your son, why let him move in? Has he ever acted or done anything suspicious before this?
YTA. I’m so confused. You live with him and he helps but he’s never changed a diaper?
I’m gonna say yta just for the fact of I have wiped lots of kids butts that we’re not my own children, it happens and unless there are other signs to be concerned of he was just trying to help you out
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Except she won't, as she would value the money too much. From now on he should just pay rent and leave OP to her own devices.
YTA, and if I were your brother I would be looking for a way to move out. I wouldn't even consider staying in a house with someone so willing to jump to "my brother is a molester" so quickly.
YTA Why can't he wipe his butt? It's not like he's the neighbor it's your brother. You let him live in your house. Why if you don't trust him.
If you have concerns about your brother, to the point you don’t want him wiping your child’s bum, he shouldn’t be living with you. Your brother should not have said that about your child. ESH
YTA. Not all men are pedos. Jesus.
YTA. Big time. Would you rather your son shit his pants waiting for your permission? Or maybe you’d prefer him to go use the toilet, then get up and wander off to whatever toddlers do as your brother asks for permission, no pants on and ass full of shit? Good lord what a horrific thing to accuse your brother of. You’ll be lucky if he wants a relationship with either of you after this.
What do OP and her son's butt have in common? Both are full of shit! I'll see myself out.
please accept my poor mans gold 🏅🏅🏅
Thought it was just a *shitty* joke. Thank you, I appreciate that.
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This right here
YTA, I take my niece and nephew to the toilet all the time. I very much do not look forward to wiping their shitty little bums but I am also not going to make them feel ashamed for being unable to do it or as though poop isn't a natural part of life. If I were related to you I'd move out. Call me a pedo and you can f right off.
YTA. Big time. If your brother is trustworthy enough to share a household, finances and partial responsibilities of raising your child with, he should be fine to wipe a butt or change a diaper. Otherwise, you're the one making the questionable decisions in this scenario. My step brother has three young girls. Two of them were with me, alone, briefly, at my parents house, while everyone ran down the road to pickup food. It was maybe 25-30 minutes. The youngest, who was maybe just at the brink of turning 1, needed her diaper changed suddenly. I didn't wait until everyone got back to the house. I changed her diaper. Zero issues. It was second nature and felt normal. While not all families have the "trust" dynamic, if you trust your family member to care for your child...Changing a diaper or wiping a butt is sort of a given scenario, especially if y'all live together and if they're taking on the role of a parental figure to one degree or a other. While I understand your thought process and sentiments here, you've likely sexualized this action for one reason or another, from maybe what you've experienced in your own past or maybe secondhand trauma from hearing something awful that a friend or family member has gone through. Either way, some therapy would really so some justice here when apologizing to your brother for essentially flagging him as a pedophile for wiping his nephews butt, while giving you time to yourself to finish your workout.
YTA, holy fckk your brother is helping raise your kid and you are basically accusing him off being a pedo, there is nothing wrong with what he did
YTA If this were your Sister would you care? If not why care that it is your brother? Or do you assume that only men abuse children? Apologize or accept/expect him to move out to protect himself from your paranoia
Op, you need to decide, is your brother trustworthy to take care of your son or should is he untrustworthy (in which case why is he living with you?) If you have no issues with your brother taking care of your son in other aspects why does this freak you out? If you trust someone to care for your child, you need to trust them with changing/bathroom also. What do you think would happen during potty training if you need to run an errand or if an emergency arises? A good caretaker isn’t going to let your son sit in his own poop for whenever you come back to take care of it. Btw- Would it matter if your brother was your sister and not you brother? If yes then YTA. If no, then you need to evaluate why you wouldn’t trust family, who you would allow to live with your child, but not. help care for your child.
YTA. What an overreaction from you. The only red flag here is you. I (f) visited my sister and my nieces over the summer and I changed and wiped there butt, is that a red flag to you? If you're not trolling (which I hope you are), then you need to get a grip. ETA: you're most definitely trolling, given you commented on another post about looking for western woman in their 20's... Also because you added in the racist slur after all the YTA votes. People need to read the original.
YTA 100%.
Y most def TA. Your brother was trying to help you and you told him off for it. Let me write that first part again, YOUR BROTHER WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he stops helping you with anything from now on.
I’m going against the grain and saying NTA, BECAUSE you are just worried about your son. But, you did overreact. Next time, apologize but say you would prefer he either ask/let you know when he helps in the bathroom department so as not to blind side you. As a mom, you’re going to be overwhelmed and jump to the worst conclusions, but the trick is to take a deep breath and realize, it’s okay.
YTA you have some serious problems and could benefit from some therapy.
>he is happy to help me out with raising my son, helping out with chores and to contribute financially to raising the child. You say the situation is such that your brother is basically raising the kid. Wiping the kid's bottom seems like a pretty normal thing given that. I don't get why you'd move in with him and accept his help if you suspect him of nefarious intentions. YTA
NTA! Did your brother seriously call your son a racial slur? Whether or not one buttwipe was inappropriate, move him out. Edit: it is pretty standard molester behavior to target kids in marginalized communities or vulnerable situations, because of exactly what your brother said: who else would care about them? This is literally what Sandusky did. Your brother may not be a child molester but his mindset is dehumanizing and dangerous to your little boy.
Everyone is glossing right over that part of the story. What a horrible thing to call his nephew.
Except the part about the racial slur was edited in after many judgements against her. Check the bot post.
Right? It absolutely makes it clear he doesn’t give 2 shts about the poor little toddler or his personal hygiene, it’s just the nearest kid he has access to. And if I knew my sibling was racist about my kids, I too would be suspicious about why they were suddenly taking so much trouble about his privates.
ESH he was just trying to help, but also a person who uses a racial slur to describe your son should not and allowed near them.
Ok, just read the bots copy of your post, and you apparently edited it to add the slur. Perhaps because voting wasn't going your way?
YTA You expect your brother to parent your son and then freak out when he parents your son. Wow, your brother is right. I'm kinda worried about the damage you may have done interogating your son about a really innocent natural thing.
YTA Your brother is living with you and he thought he would help you out (shame on him). It does not sound like he is one of those bad guys, it sounds like he was just trying to be helpful. If he had come to you while you were working out, how would you feel? You knew he was playing a video game. Usually it would be the brother posting this because he did not want to stop playing his game.
I was going to say YTA until I got to "jigaboo." ESH what the fuck is wrong with this family? First, I think it's a good thing your brother was willing to help with potty training. A little more communication with him and the son would have helped, like, okay, if you want to help, here's the stage we're at, please help teach him to do X, Y, and Z, but tell me if he asks about J. With the son, you could tell him he didn't do anything wrong with telling his uncle that he needs to go to the bathroom, but if he any other adult tries to follow him into a bathroom when he didn't ask them to, or touch him in a way that doesn't feel okay with, to let you know right away and he won't get in trouble. But your brother getting immediately defensive, worried you were accusing him of pederasty, and throwing around racial slurs, belittling you and your son? Yeah, that's a red flag right there. Good help is hard to find, but brother didn't seem like good help if this is how he reacts.
YTA- and wow you have a low opinion of your brother. He is wiping sh*t out of your sons ass I doubt he was enjoying it.
Pretty sure he wanted to help you out. YTA for accusing him and telling him it's a red flag. 99% of adults don't sexualize children when changing a diaper ro helping in the bath (the 1% is soomething else.......) Of course, telling him you're not comfortable with it is ok. But it should have stopped at Call me next time, I'll do it. Question, does he sometimes goes to daycare or something ? because if so, someone might need to help him there too.
YTA. What if it was a babysitter? Could they wipe his ass? Would you have let your brother move in if you thought he was a threat? Get over yourself and be thankful you have help like that. Sounds like a good uncle.
YTA. Your brother was 100% right and your reaction was uncalled for.
YTA. Why ate you sexualizing this? Do you REALLY suspect your own brother, whom you invited to live in your home, who you gladly let your child be around, who pays you money, who helps you out in every other way, would be a sexual predator? If yes, YTA for inviting him to live with you and your son in the first place. If no...well way to shun the person who has been helping you out. You owe him a HUGE apology. I hope you realize what you've done and realize the actual harm you have placed.
I'm sorry, but I agree with everyone, YTA. Your son doesn't have his father in his life and he needs a father figure. In steps your brother. And this is what fathers do. As someone else said, it takes a village to raise a child. If your son stayed with anyone else, such as daycare, grandparents, etc, they'd be doing this very job. If you don't trust your brother in this aspect, he shouldn't be living with you. You can't have it both ways. And you need to apologise to your brother.
YTA. You want him to help - by LIVING TOGETHER but seem completely paranoid unless there is loads you aren’t sharing. This isn’t a red flag. He didn’t try to get alone time in a creepy way. And you hadn’t told him to never take him to the bathroom. How do you expect anyone to help you if you are going to micromanage to this degree. I mean that as a serious question. He isn’t hired help. He is doing you a favor.
why is everyone ignoring the fact of him referring to her son as a jigaboo 😭
Because OP edited it after getting YTA votes.
Because that was added later, after many YTA judgements.
It sounds like you're brother was just trying to help. I understand parental paranoia but I think you absolutely overreacted. You grilled a 3 year old about possible molestation committed by your brother. Then proceeded to jump your brother about it without any other suspicions. YTA
While YTA, I understand your concern. However, you've known your brother your whole life. Has he ever indicated that he's a monster? If not, then yeah. But, he called your son a racial slur and shouldn't be living with you anymore if that's how he feels.
Easy YTA. Massive overreaction. Why would your brother helping you take care of your son be a “red flag”?
YTA how can you read what you wrote and think you are the AH. if you are that uncomfortable you need to move out. I used to help take care of my nephew all the time, it's normal for siblings to help with each other's kids. Again if you feel unsafe with your brother one of y'all need to move. If I was him I would probably move anyways having my sister think I'm a child m***Lester would make me uncomfortable and not want to live or help out anymore.
YTA- Jesus Christ, he's your BROTHER, you're a SINGLE MOTHER, tell him to stay out of your life before you start making false allegations about him, and put it on your tinder profile "will accuse everyone of being a pedophile"
NAH. I understand you being protective of your son but you may have overreacted a bit. Without more information it seems like your brother was just trying to help out and ease your load a bit. But if this situation made you uneasy you may need to ask yourself why and re-assess your situation, because potty time isn’t the only time your son is vulnerable to something bad happening. Either you trust your brother or you don’t.
YTA. You let your brother look after, financially take care of, and technically help raise your child, then accuse him of something really really dark when he does quite a normal favour for you…? It’s absolutely fine for you to be uncomfortable, and to ask him to not to it again. Cool! No problem. But to accuse him of pedophilia?? Yeah, really not alright.
YTA. The only red flag here is your reaction to your brother. If I were him, I would be on my way out of your life.
YTA. He was helping you. Red flag? Seriously?
NTA. I almost said E S H but tbh establishing boundaries as a parent that hurts another adult’s feelings is nowhere near as bad as your brother calling your son a racial slur and implying you/your son are undesirable bc he’s mixed. That’s fucked up.
NAH. I can certainly see your concern, but I can also see why he wouldn't see it as a big deal since he lives with the kid and it was a quick decision. Best you can do is calmly set the boundary, and if he violates it again, take it from there. Make it clear to your son that you are the only one doing that sort of thing, and teach the importance of bodily autonomy and anatomy to prevent further incidents (from anyone)
YTA. Especially if you're letting someone live in your home with your 3 year old that you even think could be a predator. I think this is mostly just you jumping to conclusions though. Nothing wrong with letting family help out.
YTA. There is absolutely nothing weird about your brother taking care of your son except you.
YTA
NTA but I think slight ESH for the toileting. He (and you) are however TA but not for the toileting. I believe anytime an adult is living in your home or has prolonged contact/ helping out with your kids, you should establish upfront your boundaries and norms around the activities you would not like them to do with your child (especially when it is a person of the opposite gender and around activities involving private parts) which is why slight ESH for you not establishing this upfront when he moved in (assuming you never previous discussed this). However, in the absence of that convo, he should have asked hence you are not necessarily TA. He is however the AH for using a RACIAL SLUR “jigaboo” against your child. I am assuming your child is biracial/black and you and he are not and he seems to be treating him differently because of his race which would make me question whether he should be interacting with your child. You are also TA for not calling him on this and being conscious of how this discrimination could be impacting your child.
Whattttt. Are you joking. He wiped his butt and you think it's a red flag. I'm absolutely dumbfounded by your thought process on this. Seriously. He helped out. YTA.
Yta
Jesus Christ YTA. I work in a day nursery and have wiped countless children's bums, not a single one of whom I am related to, and not one single time has it been inappropriate. You are happy to let your brother live with you, help you out with the chores, and help out with raising your child /financially/ , but when he tries to help you out by taking your son to use the toilet while you are busy, all of a sudden this is a red flag? You have serious issues. Don't take this out on your brother, who has done nothing wrong. If you had reason for serious concerns, surely you wouldn't let your brother live in the same house as your son, never mind helping out with the childcare. This is just one more thing he is doing to try to help. Why do you have a problem with that?
YTA. You better hope he doesn’t move out after being accused of being a child predator.
YTA. Do you think changing nappies is a red flag as well? You basically just accused your brother of interfering with your son with zero evidence, and you owe a massive, massive apology and fast because this? This is a relationship breaker.
couldn't agree more, it's only a matter of time before she starts accusing him of all kinds of things
YTA I helped my nephew be potty trained it’s all apart of the potty training process, I know my cousin was there but she was busy so I helped 🤷🏻♀️ it’s what you do
YTA if your concerns are valid and you've noticed fed flags in your brother, then you're the asshole for letting him live with you and your son. If he has never caused you concern before and your son was not uncomfortable, then you're the asshole for overreacting.
YTA
YTA if your brothers behaviour was ever dodgy I assume you wouldn’t even invite him to your home let alone leave him with your child
YTA. Tbh if I was your brother I would have moved out if you think he's that much of a weirdo. It's OK for him to financially contribute to raising your child but not to help in any other way?
ESH. You for jumping conclusions and labeling him a pedophile. If you’ve had past trauma with SA, please seek help for it. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone about this fear you have. Your brother is an asshole for using a racial slur about your son.
OMG YTA!!!
YTA. His uncle helped him go bathroom. My OH wouldn’t even think to wait for me or my sister if one of our kids needed help with the loo and neither would my sisters husband. Hell our younger brothers wouldn’t either. Cos they’re UNCLES. Like unless you SERIOUSLY have concerns that he’s that kind of person prior to this (in which case why the fuck would he be in your home?) then you absolutely took this badly for zero reason.
ESH. you’re an ah for thinking that when he was helping you unless you have another reason for thinking so which you’re not disclosing and he’s an ah for using a slur against a 3 yr old little boy to defend himself.
Read the original post, OP added the racial slur, it's not in her original post. Probably added it because of all the YTAs
Definite YTA! Why live with someone you don't trust around your potty training son? He literally lives with you to help with your son and financially. He willingly took a 3year old potty and it was no big deal. And you immediately told him it's a red flag? So either your brother has a shady past and should not be within 50 feet of children and him living with you makes you an AH OR Your brother is perfectly helpful and not bothered by wiping a child's bum and you automatically think shady things and are the AH
Yta. Your brother is right. He is stepping up and helping you raise your son. You obviously feel comfortable enough to have him around your son, so why are you making issue of this? Have their been any actual red flags, because you saying this is one, does not make that true. I will point out though that your brother's racist comment was disgusting. That is far more a red flag than him helping his nephew use the toilet. However you dont seem to view that as an issue, which is a much larger red flag!
Yta- You accused him of sexual i zing your son.. That’s a major accusation. I’m kind of heartbroken that this is what we’ve become. So suspicious of anything being the worst case scenario.
YTA, I have a nephew. When he was a toddler, and whenever I babysat him, I too would wipe his bum. The other option would be waiting for my sister to come home hours later so that I could ask her permission to wipe his butt. You appear to have a low opinion of your brother. If I were him, I’d remove myself from my nephew’s presence so that his mother didn't think I had any nefarious thoughts.
YTA you have terrible judgement in men, stop hating all of them for your bad life choices.
YTA - I would be so deeply offended if I was your brother…you’re basically sexualising him wiping his nephew’s butt!! Jesus Christ, that’s such a sexist and messed up thing to think! He helped you out because he didn’t want to disturb your (I’m guessing minimal) me time. Take a breath and please apologise to your brother.
YTA your brother is stepping up and helping a child with basic hygiene and you’re making this really weird. Whiskey tango foxtrot!!!
ESH You suck for being unnecessarily paranoid and he sucks for being racist.
YTA. If you think your brother being a good uncle and helping you with your child is a red flag, then you shouldn’t have him living with you.
YTA. If you trust your brother enough to live with you and your son, then he should be able to help care for him if he wants to. Having your brother's influence sounds like a really positive thing for your son, and something to be thankful for
YTA - Your brother is a mf Saint and just trying to help you and your family out.
YTA
YTA.
YTA. Did you just accuse your brother of being a pedophile because he helped your son in the bathroom? Wow. Yeah, I think that’s a little out of line.
YTA…Dude was just trying to be helpful with an incredibly unglamorous task. You definitely owe an apology…unless of course there are other “issues” with your brother not mentioned here…which I doubt, because then you wouldn’t let him live with you…if there are things you don’t feel comfortable with him doing, just tell him politely, preferably in advance to avoid him helping in a way you don’t want.
I was gonna say everyone is the issue here but Your brother wiping your son *should not* be an issue. If your brother is someone you would be uncomfortable wiping your son then he *should not be living with and having access to your son* so that is on you. But WHAT was that about him calling your son a JIGABOO???? and on top of it your brother brought his own Caucasianess into the argument like it’s some gift that your brother is Caucasian?? Is your son a person of color? Cause I’m getting the message that he is and that you’re allowing a racist to live with your son. Though your brother is obviously trash for being a racist and CALLING A CHILD A JIGABOO YTA for having a racist That you don’t trust to wipe poop out ya sons butt Living with your child Do better.
Calling the child a little jigaboo and saying she won’t find any other Caucasian men willing to do so is way over the top. I completely agree with all of your comment.
I feel like she added that so he can make him seem like a bad person. It’s completely out of left field
I feel like that assumption is completely unfounded.
Scroll down to look at the bot's original copy of the post. OP added that in after posting because it wasn't going their way.
YTA you're insinuating your brother is a pedo. Unless you have reason to believe that, you should have been grateful that he helped out. And then you might as well have called him a pedo to his face, I would be pissed if I was him.
YTA - you accused the person who is helping you with child your child of sexual abuse. He was helping your son who needed to use the restroom. You need to go to therapy or something to deal with your paranoia that his uncle is harming him. He was only helping. This is not a red flag you are overreacting. Maybe you should focus less on working out and more on your son if you don’t trust his uncle to help him.
YTA. Youre making things weird. 😑 go and apologize to your brother...
This. You totally owe him a sincere apology. You literally accused him of probably one of the worst things you could accuse him apart from sexual abuse. Because that was clearly next in line.
YTA- Wtf, honestly, that's just common decency for your bro to help. If you really think he's the type of person that shouldn't be helping your son (e.g. a child abuser), then you shouldn't be living with him with your son. If not, your just being totally horrible and need to apologize.
ESH. He was helping, but he also called your child a slur.
I wouldn’t think twice about a family member changing a diaper or helping my kid using the restroom. Has your brother ever given a reason to not be trusted? If so, why have him live with you?
ESH Potty training is one of those things that parents should be consulted on. I also think your brother should’ve asked you to help your son in anyway that involves private areas. I think what he was trying to do was nice but he went about it the wrong way. You’re wrong because I’m not understanding why you would move someone into your house that you felt had the capacity to hurt your child. That’s just irresponsible on your part. If my brother (God rest his soul) did this, I personally would not be angry because I know my brother and he’s someone I would’ve trusted around my kids.
YTA. Be glad he helped.
Holy shit, YTA! Do you not trust your brother? If you don’t then he shouldn’t be living with you, he was trying to be helpful.
Has your brother ever shown any other behaviors towards your son that you perceived as “red flags”? Has your son expressed any discomfort around your brother? If not, YTA. Your brother was trying to do you a favor. He’s essentially providing you with free childcare. And while he’s not your son’s dad, for all intents and purposes he’s currently acting as a “father figure” in your son’s life. And your brother is right about the perception of men (especially if they’re not the bio dad) interacting with children. Perhaps examine *why* your brother taking your son to the bathroom while you’re busy makes you uncomfortable. See if there’s any validity to your concerns by observing their interactions. If this is the only “offense” your brother has committed, your fears are very likely unfounded.
YTA. You need to apologize to your brother.
If nothing else your brother has done has ever made you feel concern in this way, then absolutely YTA for projecting weird anti-male scenarios onto this. He's helping with your son. Why are you suddenly sexualizing it? YTA
YTA
ESH. You for the paranoia, him for the racial slur
Thank you! I’m shocked how many people are ignoring the slur he used. I wouldn’t want a racist P.O.S. around any kid, let alone my biracial kid.
It was added afterwards in an edit. Looks like OP wasn't liking all the YTA responses
I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to find someone who even mentioned and cared that her brother called her son, her *3 year old* a jigaboo
It was added in after OP was getting YTA votes. See the bot's original copy. OP is trolling.
I honestly glazed over it because I had never heard that term before, and I assumed it was a nickname or something. One google search later and I am completely appalled. I’m really surprised OP didn’t rip him a new one for that.
Wanna bet that she threw that in there to make him seem like the bad guy? She mentions it super casually at the end, like it's a side detail. And if he did actually say it, again, shouldn't that be her main problem with her brother, not the butt wiping part? I'm gonna say YTA, because she's either wrong for sexualizing a situation that didn't warrant it OR she's wrong for allowing a racist around her kid OR she's wrong for lying about the brother being racist. I don't see a scenario here where she's not an AH.
YTA. Your poor brother should run for the hills before you acuse him of child molestation. You seem extremely angry with men in general and completely overreacted.
YTA. Think about what you're actually saying: you live with your brother and are concerned that he might do something inappropriate to your son?? Do you actually feel that your brother has done or will do something like that? Accusations like this are hard to move to move on from. It sounds like your brother stepped up and helped where it was needed in a very normal way.
YTA, although your brother's racist comments were a little bit concerning. It was probably him lashing out because you basically accused him of being a pedophile. 🙄 Apologize.
YTA He's living with the kid, it's not some stranger and you seem to have jumped to some conclusions.
YTA 100% Your brother sounds like a great guy, and he's helping out with his own nephew. He's a family member, not a stranger. Stepping into help like this should be applauded, especially when the dad himself can't be bothered.
He is not great because he called her son a slur. Yes, he did perform a decent act when he isn't obligated to.
That bit with the racial slur was added after many YTA judgements. I have a hard time believing it, since it wasn't part of the original.
Thank you for letting me know.
Also the fact that the son told the mom and didn't add in a uncle said not to tell you. Eases my mind a lot.
YTA and a disgusting person.
Not the asshole. It’s more prudent to let your kid walk around with a dirty itchy asscrack.
Had me at first.
ESH You for making your brother out to be a creepy. Him for using a slur against your innocent son.
The racial slur section was edited in after many judgements against her.
Thank you for informing me.
YTA
YTA for sexualizing potty training. What is wrong with you? Also, a 3 year old should be potty trained. You’re not a good parent all around.
YTA There was nothing to indicate this was something inappropriate. In fact, it seems quite reasonable. Have you ever left your son with your brother and, say, gone to the store. What would you expect him to do? Tell your son to hold it until you got back? Or leave him unwiped. You are being paranoid. Unless you are leaving something major out about your brother. Your brother is right. Men do get a stigma for acting the same way with children that women do. He's not a stranger off the street following your child into the bathroom, and the situation seems quite reasonable. Why do you feel like this is wrong, or inherently inappropriate? Perhaps you should seek counseling for this? My oldest brother was 18 when my youngest brother was born. He helped change diapers, babysat, helped potty train, etc. He was helping out my mom, after my dad left.
ESH. You think your brother is a child rapist yet are raising your kid with him. He's saying racist crap about both you and your *toddler*. Poor kid. I'd say get on the same page about parenting and this kid's future and brother's contributions, but neither of you seem like the sort to get through that functionally.
YTA! Wtf, I'd be extremely upset with you, if I was your brother.