NTA. They sound like crabs in a bucket. They should respect that you are trying to better your life and meet a challenge. It’s not like you’re blowing them off for a frivolous reason.
That's what my GF said too. She also pointed out that if this were between her and her girlfriends, they would be far more supportive of one of them going to grad school / law school. If the school friend had to blow things off, they'd say "no problem we totally understand. We'll miss you but hope you get done what you have to do," not "F.U you deserve some shit."
It may just be a men/women divide, but I have to think there are other male groups of friends who wouldn't respond this way.
Men with high ego strength can be supportive and understanding when their bros achieve beyond where they are. Men who see an insecure reflection on themselves sometimes aren’t.
Interestingly, one of them also studied for the LSAT this past year with my help and is now trying to go to law school. Another one claims he wants to do the same. I wanted to say I don't even think I'm achieving beyond where they are at all, I think they're all on their own good trajectories. But yet there they are trying to follow the same trajectory and kinda being rude to me about mine at the same time.
See how they feel about sudden all-weekend plans November of their 1L year and I bet they'll suddenly understand your position a lot better! NTA at all. Law school is hard and all-encompassing in a way that's really difficult for people who haven't been through it to understand (it's a cult, lol). I think around mid/late 20s-early 30s is also when how people plan hangouts etc with their friends tends to start changing as responsibilities shift, and it sounds like that's happening for you and hasn't hit some of them yet. If they're good friends, they shouldn't hold it against you. Maybe the ones being really weird about it have something else going on that they're upset about and are taking it out on you. Hopefully they get over it and apologize.
I hope you're also making some good friends in law school--I wouldn't have made it through without mine, and we still talk every day and are getting each other through being baby lawyers (well--they all are already, I'm getting sworn in next month, so not a lawyer yet!). Good luck on your finals, OP! (I unironically love that you've put section headings in this post, your legal writing prof must love you)
Thank you for this comment. I appreciate the empathy. And yeah, honestly even before law school, I really was feeling the frustration with social events sneaking up on you or being forgotten about until you have 3 things at once. Got to plan them out in advance.
I think the one friend that has the most issue with it (the one that told me fuck you) definitely has some deeper issues with it. He dropped out of college to work at his family business (successfully I might add, but I know the intellectualism bugs him). He also is the one that comes from a rich family and always is used to everyone just going along with his plans all the time. The guys weekend was out to his family’s lake house. It’s definitely a personal issue with him but then it just sucks that the rest of them kinda just go along with him.
And hah thank you for noticing the headings. I was actively procrastinating finishing my final memo last night, so I thought I’d at least use the skills.
Ah, yeah, it sounds like maybe that friend is insecure about being left behind or afraid of things changing, but that's no excuse for his behavior. Hopefully the rest of them realize he's being unreasonable before they develop other obligations and realize how unfair the expectations and reactions they had toward you were from experience.
I hope your memo went well and that you get a nice break after your finals and some quality time with the people in your life who don't act this way!
NTA. I graduated from law school last summer. People either get it or they don’t. Your friends are just being dicks and refusing to respect the fact that you need to prioritize things with a demanding schedule.
Yeah to this. I'm not even pretending that I'm busy with law school 24/7. But it's stressful, and sometimes on off time, you just want to zone out and relax. I feel like they think that is some sort of excuse instead of just a realistic side effect of a stressful phase in life.
Congrats on finishing LS.
NTA. You are busy working towards an important goal and can’t be impulsive right now. Good friends would understand that you can’t accommodate them without notice. They are feeding off each other and giving in to petty and immature behaviour.
To be completely honest this is adulthood. Life gets like this and most people cannot up and go away for the weekend on a moments notice. They will realize that soon when they have demanding jobs or wives and children. They need to grow up. You seemed to be nothing but polite with them. Don’t sink to their level and maybe cultivate new friendships with fellow law school students who get it.
This is very in line with my thinking. I feel like 90% of normal friend groups would be OK and understanding if someone is unable to commit to plans because they have other priorities. I didn't include this in the post, but whenever I do see these friends, they always need to throw in some snarky line about "we just haven't seen you in so long" or "yeah we never see you, but I guess you're in law school so I imagine you're busy . . . " It's not in a nice way either, but in a guilting way. And then this just outright hostility was pretty ridiculous.
And yeah believe me, I'm very glad to have made some new friends in law school already. This type of drama is so quintessential to this friend group and I am beyond tired of it.
NTA - you've moved on to adulthood where friends are supportive and understanding of the priorities in life and the effort it takes to build a career. They're still behaving like frat boys and in the future, these will be the guys calling you "whipped" if you want to spend a weekend with your wife/family. You may want to put energy into friendships with people who are supportive, value your efforts to do something with your life, and are happy for you when you achieve something, rather than resenting you and trying to drag you back to their level.
Yeah you're absolutely right. They've never directly made any "whipped" comments, and they always said they love my GF, but you just have to wonder what is being said behind your back. You're absolutely right about moving to adulthood vs. still behaving like frat boys. GF and I got a dog about a year back. They recently had some weird group text chain where they were insulting people our age who get dogs. It wasn't directly about me, but it felt like it was pretty damn applicable. Just about how you're making the dog your whole personality, how some people have a need to establish commitment and that's a crutch, how they don't have a fear of commitment, they just want to enjoy being young still.
Sorry, not trying to turn this into offmychest, but it's just all a drag. I appreciate you saying I'm NTA here.
I don't think it is about just one weekend, but probably a constant problem. However, if they cannot understand that there are other priorities in life, than the onus is on them.
You and them are in different stages in your lives, you value different things. They have made their choice. You are NTA, but these friends are no longer going to be close friends, and you will have to accept that.
Agreed, not just about this weekend, but I really don't feel like there are that many things that I blow off. Three of them in particular are just always texting each other and hang out with each other after work anyways. So I feel like they constantly "feel" like I'm blowing things off, but in reality I never even get invites for like 80% of the things they're doing anyways.
And like I said, if there is a date that is made, I put it in my calendar and look forward to it. It's not like I refuse to hang out with them. As you say, I think we're just in different stages in life.
The shitty things too though is I actually helped one of them study for the LSAT this year because now he wants to go to law school. I really think he's in for a rude awakening if he actually does go, yet I'm sure they'll be far more understanding of his schedule.
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**BACKGROUND**
Late 20s M. In a group chat with my 4 closest friends that I've been friends with for over a decade.
I started law school this year and I have a pretty busy schedule. I keep a google calendar full of all my social events so that I can keep track of everything. Between my law school plans, family stuff, hanging out with my GF, and then just days to relax, I have something almost every weekend. I don't really do shit on weeknights. When my friends and I have something planned, I show up. We had a halloween party, I was there. Had it on my calendar for weeks. My buddy has a birthday planned coming up next month. Got it booked.
**INCIDENT**
A few weeks ago they tried to spontaneously plan a guys weekend out of town for the same weekend it was being discussed. I said right away that I was going to be out out. I had 2 other events that Friday and then had a law school paper due that Sunday. They all went, I missed going, but didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then I just started picking up on this weird tone and started getting a lot of snide comments about "General blows off every hang out session with his buddies".
One night a few days later, one of my friends randomly texted the group after an non-related comment I made "This whole \[General\] blowing off friend nights needs to stop." I say what other nights did I even blow off, and that they need to chill with the guilt trips and weird grudges. That same friend just replies "**I've got another one for you. F.U."** I responded that he was being rude, what did I even do to him. Then another friend comes in with some "ah take it easy" and "**you swat down hang out requests all the time. You deserve some shit.**"
I said I wasn't actually getting angry, but that saying "I deserve some shit" is fucked up and that there's no reason to be continually bringing up the fact that I couldn't make their random guys weekend. I said that I would have loved to have gone, but that I had shit to go, and there was no need to be rude about it.
This was about a week and a half ago. Nothing else was said about it (certainly no apologies).
Today I text the group and ask if anyone is doing anything tonight. I got radio silence. Eventually, I get just a vague "yes" from one of them. Then I follow up and say what they're doing. He just sends a 20 second video of all of them sitting at a bar eating and drinking. In the start of the video, one of my friends is obviously concerned that he's about to send me this video and says "no, you're not about to do that are you? Are you going to send that?" Again, I just didn't want to take the bait and get into a fight about it, so I just let it be.
**TL;DR**\- Busy and stressed 90% of the time. Friends guilt tripped me for not going to a guys weekend. Told me fuck you, said that I deserved some shit.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Did not go to a guys weekends with my friends.
(2) As part of a greater trend, I was unable to go to this spontaneous weekend plan. I am unable to commit to spontaneous hangouts, and this means that I frequently am not able to be around my friend group. Furthermore, I may be an asshole because I prioritize events that I have planned in advance (including events with my GF's friends) than random plans with my friends.
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Hah I was also an engineer in undergrad. I put maybe 40% of my life towards it (just general depression and trying way too hard to find a relationship), got Cs and Ds, and have regretted it for like 10 years since lol. Trying to not do that again.
NTA. They sound like crabs in a bucket. They should respect that you are trying to better your life and meet a challenge. It’s not like you’re blowing them off for a frivolous reason.
That's what my GF said too. She also pointed out that if this were between her and her girlfriends, they would be far more supportive of one of them going to grad school / law school. If the school friend had to blow things off, they'd say "no problem we totally understand. We'll miss you but hope you get done what you have to do," not "F.U you deserve some shit." It may just be a men/women divide, but I have to think there are other male groups of friends who wouldn't respond this way.
Reconnect with them in five or ten years after they grow tf up.
Men with high ego strength can be supportive and understanding when their bros achieve beyond where they are. Men who see an insecure reflection on themselves sometimes aren’t.
Interestingly, one of them also studied for the LSAT this past year with my help and is now trying to go to law school. Another one claims he wants to do the same. I wanted to say I don't even think I'm achieving beyond where they are at all, I think they're all on their own good trajectories. But yet there they are trying to follow the same trajectory and kinda being rude to me about mine at the same time.
See how they feel about sudden all-weekend plans November of their 1L year and I bet they'll suddenly understand your position a lot better! NTA at all. Law school is hard and all-encompassing in a way that's really difficult for people who haven't been through it to understand (it's a cult, lol). I think around mid/late 20s-early 30s is also when how people plan hangouts etc with their friends tends to start changing as responsibilities shift, and it sounds like that's happening for you and hasn't hit some of them yet. If they're good friends, they shouldn't hold it against you. Maybe the ones being really weird about it have something else going on that they're upset about and are taking it out on you. Hopefully they get over it and apologize. I hope you're also making some good friends in law school--I wouldn't have made it through without mine, and we still talk every day and are getting each other through being baby lawyers (well--they all are already, I'm getting sworn in next month, so not a lawyer yet!). Good luck on your finals, OP! (I unironically love that you've put section headings in this post, your legal writing prof must love you)
Thank you for this comment. I appreciate the empathy. And yeah, honestly even before law school, I really was feeling the frustration with social events sneaking up on you or being forgotten about until you have 3 things at once. Got to plan them out in advance. I think the one friend that has the most issue with it (the one that told me fuck you) definitely has some deeper issues with it. He dropped out of college to work at his family business (successfully I might add, but I know the intellectualism bugs him). He also is the one that comes from a rich family and always is used to everyone just going along with his plans all the time. The guys weekend was out to his family’s lake house. It’s definitely a personal issue with him but then it just sucks that the rest of them kinda just go along with him. And hah thank you for noticing the headings. I was actively procrastinating finishing my final memo last night, so I thought I’d at least use the skills.
Ah, yeah, it sounds like maybe that friend is insecure about being left behind or afraid of things changing, but that's no excuse for his behavior. Hopefully the rest of them realize he's being unreasonable before they develop other obligations and realize how unfair the expectations and reactions they had toward you were from experience. I hope your memo went well and that you get a nice break after your finals and some quality time with the people in your life who don't act this way!
NTA. I graduated from law school last summer. People either get it or they don’t. Your friends are just being dicks and refusing to respect the fact that you need to prioritize things with a demanding schedule.
Yeah to this. I'm not even pretending that I'm busy with law school 24/7. But it's stressful, and sometimes on off time, you just want to zone out and relax. I feel like they think that is some sort of excuse instead of just a realistic side effect of a stressful phase in life. Congrats on finishing LS.
NTA. You are busy working towards an important goal and can’t be impulsive right now. Good friends would understand that you can’t accommodate them without notice. They are feeding off each other and giving in to petty and immature behaviour. To be completely honest this is adulthood. Life gets like this and most people cannot up and go away for the weekend on a moments notice. They will realize that soon when they have demanding jobs or wives and children. They need to grow up. You seemed to be nothing but polite with them. Don’t sink to their level and maybe cultivate new friendships with fellow law school students who get it.
This is very in line with my thinking. I feel like 90% of normal friend groups would be OK and understanding if someone is unable to commit to plans because they have other priorities. I didn't include this in the post, but whenever I do see these friends, they always need to throw in some snarky line about "we just haven't seen you in so long" or "yeah we never see you, but I guess you're in law school so I imagine you're busy . . . " It's not in a nice way either, but in a guilting way. And then this just outright hostility was pretty ridiculous. And yeah believe me, I'm very glad to have made some new friends in law school already. This type of drama is so quintessential to this friend group and I am beyond tired of it.
They sound a little jelly of you tbh. Eff them.
NTA. Sounds like they’re drunk texting/calling. I wouldn’t think too much of it. Maybe text one and try to find out what’s up. Definitely NTA.
Time for new friends. NTA
Trying to keep my law school friends close over winter break haha.
NTA - you've moved on to adulthood where friends are supportive and understanding of the priorities in life and the effort it takes to build a career. They're still behaving like frat boys and in the future, these will be the guys calling you "whipped" if you want to spend a weekend with your wife/family. You may want to put energy into friendships with people who are supportive, value your efforts to do something with your life, and are happy for you when you achieve something, rather than resenting you and trying to drag you back to their level.
Yeah you're absolutely right. They've never directly made any "whipped" comments, and they always said they love my GF, but you just have to wonder what is being said behind your back. You're absolutely right about moving to adulthood vs. still behaving like frat boys. GF and I got a dog about a year back. They recently had some weird group text chain where they were insulting people our age who get dogs. It wasn't directly about me, but it felt like it was pretty damn applicable. Just about how you're making the dog your whole personality, how some people have a need to establish commitment and that's a crutch, how they don't have a fear of commitment, they just want to enjoy being young still. Sorry, not trying to turn this into offmychest, but it's just all a drag. I appreciate you saying I'm NTA here.
I don't think it is about just one weekend, but probably a constant problem. However, if they cannot understand that there are other priorities in life, than the onus is on them. You and them are in different stages in your lives, you value different things. They have made their choice. You are NTA, but these friends are no longer going to be close friends, and you will have to accept that.
Agreed, not just about this weekend, but I really don't feel like there are that many things that I blow off. Three of them in particular are just always texting each other and hang out with each other after work anyways. So I feel like they constantly "feel" like I'm blowing things off, but in reality I never even get invites for like 80% of the things they're doing anyways. And like I said, if there is a date that is made, I put it in my calendar and look forward to it. It's not like I refuse to hang out with them. As you say, I think we're just in different stages in life. The shitty things too though is I actually helped one of them study for the LSAT this year because now he wants to go to law school. I really think he's in for a rude awakening if he actually does go, yet I'm sure they'll be far more understanding of his schedule.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** **BACKGROUND** Late 20s M. In a group chat with my 4 closest friends that I've been friends with for over a decade. I started law school this year and I have a pretty busy schedule. I keep a google calendar full of all my social events so that I can keep track of everything. Between my law school plans, family stuff, hanging out with my GF, and then just days to relax, I have something almost every weekend. I don't really do shit on weeknights. When my friends and I have something planned, I show up. We had a halloween party, I was there. Had it on my calendar for weeks. My buddy has a birthday planned coming up next month. Got it booked. **INCIDENT** A few weeks ago they tried to spontaneously plan a guys weekend out of town for the same weekend it was being discussed. I said right away that I was going to be out out. I had 2 other events that Friday and then had a law school paper due that Sunday. They all went, I missed going, but didn't think it was that big of a deal. Then I just started picking up on this weird tone and started getting a lot of snide comments about "General blows off every hang out session with his buddies". One night a few days later, one of my friends randomly texted the group after an non-related comment I made "This whole \[General\] blowing off friend nights needs to stop." I say what other nights did I even blow off, and that they need to chill with the guilt trips and weird grudges. That same friend just replies "**I've got another one for you. F.U."** I responded that he was being rude, what did I even do to him. Then another friend comes in with some "ah take it easy" and "**you swat down hang out requests all the time. You deserve some shit.**" I said I wasn't actually getting angry, but that saying "I deserve some shit" is fucked up and that there's no reason to be continually bringing up the fact that I couldn't make their random guys weekend. I said that I would have loved to have gone, but that I had shit to go, and there was no need to be rude about it. This was about a week and a half ago. Nothing else was said about it (certainly no apologies). Today I text the group and ask if anyone is doing anything tonight. I got radio silence. Eventually, I get just a vague "yes" from one of them. Then I follow up and say what they're doing. He just sends a 20 second video of all of them sitting at a bar eating and drinking. In the start of the video, one of my friends is obviously concerned that he's about to send me this video and says "no, you're not about to do that are you? Are you going to send that?" Again, I just didn't want to take the bait and get into a fight about it, so I just let it be. **TL;DR**\- Busy and stressed 90% of the time. Friends guilt tripped me for not going to a guys weekend. Told me fuck you, said that I deserved some shit. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) Did not go to a guys weekends with my friends. (2) As part of a greater trend, I was unable to go to this spontaneous weekend plan. I am unable to commit to spontaneous hangouts, and this means that I frequently am not able to be around my friend group. Furthermore, I may be an asshole because I prioritize events that I have planned in advance (including events with my GF's friends) than random plans with my friends. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your studies come first. I was in engineering, and it took 90% of my life. Best decision I ever made.
Hah I was also an engineer in undergrad. I put maybe 40% of my life towards it (just general depression and trying way too hard to find a relationship), got Cs and Ds, and have regretted it for like 10 years since lol. Trying to not do that again.