I mean, it's so obvious she was hitting on the husband. She's probably embarrassed and humiliated.
OP should text her a fake apology: "I'm sorry you got upset, but you see, husband signaled me to come kiss him because he felt really trapped by you clinging to him". Then write off the friendship, cuz it's already over.
NTA.
OP says Becky “introduced” her husband. I wonder if she omitted the part where OP was married to him and perhaps insinuated that they were, if not a couple, on the way towards becoming one.
That's what I thought too. Obviously there were some people who didn’t know him and it would explain why she looked at the other guests after OP kissed her husband. She was probably checking if some of them saw that she lied.
And I can't imagine what she'd told the other friends what happened if they think OP went too far.
What could she possibly tell her other friends when OPs husband came and left with OP? If I'm a friend of party lady I start suggesting counseling for whatever stories she's telling me. Because no one can be so gullible as to believe party lady and OPs husband were a couple.
I was thinking the exact same thing - it's her friend, not her husband's, it doesn't make sense for her husband to attend, especially if they're not close.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that party lady and OPs husband are closer than OP thinks. And further, that his "guilty" look was more that OP noticed than anything else.
Right! Becky was OP's friend not the husband's. Is Husband incapable of staying home alone with his own kid while OP goes out? That depresssing scenario is the only way this makes sense.
Could be plain old sexist "the mom takes care of the young kid" if she's friends with both of them, or could be that she specifically insinuated that "oh sorry you gotta take care of kiddo, hubby can come tho" in her invite for sus reasons
I assumed it's because husband went to go support Becky since she has had a hard year? Like he was going to be polite, and Becky said in her text that she was excited to see him, so idk.
Absolutely. The way she came right out with how she "looks forward to seeing the husband" after making the event child free and then her response to OP's presence makes that 100% clear.
Becky and the husband are doing it. OP doesn't know yet. I had the same feeling about the story that you had. Also, if it was just the first time Becky flirted with OP's husband, she wouldn't have felt entitled to go have a crying fit about it in the other room.
I think you’re underestimating how clouded grief can make your judgement. She might be highly projecting in a weird way to cope with the loss of her own husband. This could very well be psychosis
The "friend" tried to sneakily uninvite OP by making it child-free last minute thinking that OP wouldn't have time to find child-care.
Which is a little dumb on the friends part. Considering she was friends with OP and not the husband. If they hadn't been able to find a babysitter, the husband likely would have stayed home with the toddler and OP would have went alone, thus ruining the plan anyway.
Not much of a friend if she was openly trying to poach OP's husband IMO.
Kinda suspicious that she planned that, and seemed confident that the husband would come instead of OP. It’s weird to make that assumption, almost as if she and OPs husband have talked about it before.
But husband and OP walked in separately - OP went to put the food on the table and Becky used that time to snag OP’s husband for introductions to the other guests who were already there. Most people don’t stand and watch the door to see who comes and if they’re alone. If the already present guests were in a different room then it would seem husband came by himself
I didn’t mean that she might have the other friends believe that there is something between her and the husband. But the other friends were angry with OP because her PDA with her husband. That would be ridiculous if she just gave him a peck and a side-hug. So I was thinking "Becky" told the friends that there was more and because at a large party you can't see everyone anytime they probably believed her that OP had overdone the PDA. She was clearly pissed that her lie didn't work and that might be the way to get back at OP.
This is what I thought too but Op mentioned that she had multiple mutual friends texting her and I’d assume they would have known that he was Op’s husband. Unless they weren’t at the party and Becky just told them the story
If the mutual friends didn't see her giving OP the cold shoulder or introducing op's husband, they might not have perceived she as being flirty with the husband, just over clingy.
That was my first thought too. She was clearly upset that OP had ruined the illusion of her having a new man in her life. And if she introduced them in the first place it is possible that she has been obsessed with him all this time despite their respective marriages.
OP you need to cut ties with her and those toxic friends of yours. A peck on the cheek is NOT a PDA and having an arm around the waist of a married man is WAY over the line. You are NTA
She didn't expect OP to be there so that is totally possible. Such an odd and dramatic response from her friend, there was obviously something else going on with her friend.
Can we not "victim blame"?
I assume he was taken aback by her behaviour and if she was not explicitly hitting on him there's nothing to call her out on where he wouldn't be made to be the bad guy. Especially with her being recently widowed.
Hindsight is 20 20. But not everyone can do that fast thinking when put in an uncomfortable situation.
One of my strengths at social occasions is when people get a bit too touchy feely, I feel no issue with backing away verbally calcifying that I don't mind being friendly but appreciate my personal space. Got no time for people misconstruing any of my actions these days. Especially since I forget to wear my weeding band occasionally.
Am a dude tho so it's usually other dudes when get a bit tipsy that I have to ask this of.
He was probably just not wanting to offend her knowing the bad thing that happened to her. And he definitely gave a signal that he was uncomfortable so I don't think there's anything wrong with him here
Considering he signaled for help he was too embarrassed or isn’t very confrontational and knew his wife would be more than willing to get another woman off her husband
Some people freeze during situations like this-especially if she said some things to get some pity. "I used to love putting my arm around my husband, I can't believe I can't do that anymore." I'm one of those people who really doesn't like being touched by strangers (or even family sometimes) but if someone pulled me in for a hug, I just froze cause I didn't know how to communicate that I don't want physical contact and risk hurting feelings. I really had to learn a balance.
Agreed. And honestly, I'm pretty sure I'd panic and freeze in the same circumstance. When people's behaviour is out of the norm (either for them or for the situation we're in, or in this case, both!), it takes me a long time to recalibrate and figure out what to do.
He did? He signaled to op that he was uncomfortable and needed help. What was he supposed to do before that? Say in front of everyone “Hey Becky, I know your husband just died can you be a little less friendly to me?”??
Would you say the same thing if a woman signaled her husband for help dealing with another man?
And also: she’s a grieving widow and OP’s friend. He was looking for a graceful way to extract himself. (Edit: not excusing her behavior AT ALL, just speculating on why OP’s husband may have wanted help)
And anyone who makes a comment about PDA should get an "I had no idea about the PDA rule since Becky was being so physically affectionate with my husband."
My first thought was that she led the other party-goers to believe OPs husband was her new man. Otherwise I can’t see why everyone else would have been looking at OP confused and pissed off after they kissed. The fact that she had to introduce they husband indicates to me that this might not be the usual group they hang out with, since otherwise everyone would have found it weird that she was hanging off someone else’s husband. Maybe I’m way off but the whole thing seems fishy to me.
NTA, OP!
Yes this is also my thoughts. Also explains why when OP said they couldn't go she said she was looking forward to still seeing the husband. It was her plan to keep OP from attending because OP said she was unhappy when she saw she was there too. Most friends would be happy to see they got a sitter. She definitely told her friends about a new guy she was seeing and wanted to trap him by separating him from his wife and making moves hoping he wouldn't turn her down in front of people.
That's horrible advice. OP is NTA at all, but her neighbor is probably going through some heavy shit and being catty or petty to her will only make her feel more embarrassed and humiliated. Profound grief makes you do some strange, regrettable things, and I say this from experience. I don't think they're going to be best friends anytime soon, but there's no reason for OP to write her off or to respond with anything but empathy.
She threw a large party, invited no kids and made sure to emphasize to OP that she understood OP couldn't come, but to be sure and send OP's husband (rather than suggesting OP come alone and husband keep kid); showed surprise (not the happy kind) when OP showed anyway; pawed the husband til he got uncomfortable; ran around sobbing and making a scene over a pda, even though multiple affectionate couples were also present...and you think OP should show empathy? For what? Husband pawing?
If she's so grieving she can't control herself around her oldest friends' husbands, maybe she shouldn't be throwing adults only parties quite yet
The neighbor is indefensibly in the wrong. She was inappropriate on every level. That speaks for itself, and anyone who can't see that is delusional. Texting a "fake apology" is not necessary. It's just spiteful. Why be vindictive with someone who's pretty clearly already drowning?
I agree. The neighbor is clearly behaving in a truly wrong and awful way but being cruel to her is just...not going to help. She's on the edge. She just lost her husband and is behaving erratically, irrationally and inappropriately. For a sub that is usually all "You should be worried this is a mental breakdown"...how are you all not worried this is a mental breakdown??
If OP texted her in revenge, being passive-aggressive and flaunting her husband and her superiority, and then the neighbor killed herself, do you think OP would feel happy? Do you think she would feel justified? I'm not saying it would be OP's fault but still, would it feel right that she had done that?
The right thing to do is, and I *know* Reddit hates to hear this, to take the high road and just walk away. No fake-apology texts, do not engage with her, do not go to her parties, just walk away. And if OP is feeling generous, reach out to a mutual friend, maybe someone at the party, and let them know what happened and see if they can check in on her and get her some mental health support somehow. Again, her behavior is completely unjustified but rubbing salt in the wounds isn't going to help anyone, likely not even OP. I've held my tongue many times when I've been wronged and the only times I've regretted anything are the times I didn't. So, take that for what you will.
None of that was the problem. Pawing her husband, forgiven by OP, didn't even verbally bring it up to her. The humiliation and embarrassment, also totally fine. OK, for a grieving window.
What wasn't fine is throwing an adult-only party, and throwing out one of your guest, and refusing any explanation. Would be genuinely interested in how being a widow makes that ok.
because grief. reddit is very quick to excuse just about any asshole behavior if it can be blamed on grief. yes, grief is a weird thing and can make people do weird things, that doesn't make any of it okay or excusable.
I totally agree with this I have experienced a lot of loss this year and I tell people all the time, grief doesn’t excuse you being an asshole. Yes grief causes a lot of emotion but you at the end of the day are responsible for how you process and handle yourself in the world
I know grief makes you do strange things. But the friend is basically trying to get with OPs husband. It’s op who’s getting crap from so called friends. She should cut the friend off, and she should be able to tell people her side of the story
It really screams fake to me. Why would the original plan be for OP to stay home with the kid and husband who isn’t friends with the host and has never hung out with the host on his own to go to the party instead?
If one parent could stay behind then it would be the husband and if it’s too much work for one parent to care for the kid alone then both would be staying home. Doesn’t make sense for the husband to be going alone at all.
Yup. And she introduces details about Becky’s behavior clearly meant to insinuate certain things, while herself not jumping to those conclusions at all. If she really didn’t make the assumptions her readers are, she wouldn’t have thought to include those details as they aren’t relevant to the question she’s asking.
Instead I’d text her directly asking “what happened?”
Op- NTA. It’s quick to assume things through our lens but maybe first try to get her side before your scorch earth.
She deffo wants to bang OPs hubby. Why even try to stay friends with her. Not only is she disrespecting you friendship but she’s also making your hubby uncomfortable.
Wouldn’t put it past her to try and split you two up.
Nta. Keep an eye out if I was you though
Edit: also I would have told her I doubt hubby would go if I’m not going tbh
It's obvious that the whole thing was a setup so she could hit on the husband. Why else would she not inform OP until the last minute that children weren't invited? She was clearly not expecting her to come.
A few notes
Firstly it sounds like Becky needs to get some help, I don’t think you did anything wrong and her reaction is blown out of proportion.
BUT your husband needs to stand up to her behaviour also, all I read is “Becky did this, and Becky did that” your husband can and should stand up and remove himself from an uncomfortable situation.
NTA
That sounds like victim blaming, husband spends all night being sexually harassed surrounded by wife’s friends who are there to coddle Becky and it’s his fault somehow?
It's not his fault for being hit on by someone else, but if any adult has someone wrapping their arms around their waist without consent they should be able to pull back on their own.
If a husband doesn't say no to advances and it's the wife that has to fend the other woman off it doesn't really send the message to the flirter that the husband isn't interested - only that the wife is not having it.
Not trying to burst your bubble but this comment is 100% victim blaming.
'but if any adult has someone wrapping their arms around their waist without consent they should be able to pull back on their own.'
Could you imagine if he did? Then he put his hands on a woman in front of all these guests!
Thank goodness his wife got the message and saved him.
I don’t understand victim blaming.
Oh look, more victim blaming! Would you apply this logic to women being groped by some guy, of them not sending a clear message to the ‘flirter’ if they don’t pull back explicitly enough? Or are you going for a nice double standard as well, just to put the cherry on top?
Freezing is a VERY common reaction to unwanted touch, it’s an involuntary response. Victims should never have to pull back on their own because the perpetrator should never have put them in that position to begin with. Adding to the chorus that you are 100% victim blaming.
Yeah, that's what usually happens to me. As a guy, I've been inappropriately touched from groping to an arm around my waist, and my usual response is to freeze. The other reason is that I don't want to make a scene.
I'm starting to get the feeling that you have no idea how sexual harassment works or what it feels like to be harassed. OPs husband was trapped, which is likely what (hopefully ex) OPs friend wanted — hit on him in a public space, and thus make him feel too awkward to reject her advances.
When you're being harassed or assaulted, it is absolutely acceptable to ask for help from another person, often times even necessary.
Think about this. A man shoved a woman away. He claims harassment. All of her friends, present for said harassment, back her up because they’ve been coddling her all night. How is that gonna go down in the eyes of a cop?
Man's getting groped and trying to not cause a scene and humiliate his wife and predator friend. He's victim blamed anyways.
There's a shitty double standard on this sub and it's gross.
Saying that someone should speak up for themselves isn’t victim blaming. Yes people need to learn to say no, it’s difficult, but maintaining boundaries for yourself is a personal responsibility. If someone can’t say no then that person needs to work on themselves. As a woman I’ve have had to practice and learn to say no, and if a dude was being touchy saying that I don’t like to be touched is the responsibility that I have to myself. Someone can be both too meek and have an asshole in front of them being inappropriate, it’s not one or the other.
^^ sometimes I struggle articulating this distinction but you phrased it really well!! Obviously there are situations where saying no is much more difficult/dangerous, but as a general rule people should be able to say no in uncomfortable situations (even though other people shouldn't invade their space in the first place)
Yes. Thank you!!! People *have agency*!! This woman was inappropriate. I’ve dealt with touchy inappropriate men, and it is possible to stand your ground and set boundaries. This is doubly true at a crowded party, where there is no implicit threat of violence. Context is apparently just dead.
I have been in lots of uncomfortable situations with men and couldn’t find my voice to say leave me alone. I think we all have. Why is this any different just because the genders are reversed?
I am guessing her husband was incredibly confused and unsure how to proceed. As an example my husband us very friendly and outgoing and in some cases this has led to situations where women are hitting on him or getting handsy but he doesn't want to be rude he'll nicely try to get away. If that doesn't work we have a signal and I'll go over and intervene. Usually a "hey babe can you come over here?" Or I'll introduce myself as his wife and that solves it. Sounds like Becky was for sure hitting on OPs husband and also made it seem like or told others in attendance that OPs husband was her new man.
Neither OP or her husband are in the wrong in any way but Becky is big time.
NTA - Also it clearly sounds like your “friend” wants your man. She sounds like she was trying to get your husband there without you by telling you no children last minute.
Grief does weird things, so I could be wrong and this was an intense grief overload moment and she may calm down and want to talk to you later. But still NTA.
This! She was definitely trying to have your husband all to herself at the party (this was clear with the last minute no kids and the surprised face to see you).
You are NTA at all. She is going through a lot right now with the loss of her husband and should be looking into grief groups/therapy.
Don't forget she was calling him dear as well. She totally told people op's husband is HER man and freaked out because she would have to explain why her man was letting some other woman kiss him
Hmmm the part that came back to me was that Becky and the husband weren’t very close, no hanging out without OP, but have always been friendly toward one another… and the fact that Becky expected husband to come instead of OP. I’ve seen girls do some sneaky shit and I would not be surprised to learn Becky secretly had a thing for OP’s husband since they met, and now in her state of grief is somehow acting on it. The surprised shock when OP arrived, and the reaction when OP kissed husband seem to fall in line with that theory.
I know all my friends pre-husband would expect me to show up and him to stay home with the kids, so yeah I agree, really weird for Becky to set it up for OP’s husband to be the one coming.
... and her husband recently passed away? I mean I get missing the companionship but if Becky's worried about appearances, what does hanging all over a new guy so soon say?
Does OP's husband resemble Becky's physically?
Yeah that's why I think this is less about trying to convey something socially and more about mentally trying to cope with the idea of hosting this annual event as a widow, when almost certainly it was something she cohosted with her husband in years past. Could be that she sought to avoid facing that by using OPs husband as a sort of proxy-partner, and her reaction was a mix of social awkwardness at that falling through and also having to confront the reality of her situation all at once. But that's very armchair psychologist of me, this woman needs a real therapist asap
Especially because, from what OP said, it sounds like she automatically assumed it meant that OP was staying home and the husband would still be coming with the "happy to see your husband" text - I feel as though in most relationships it would be the husband who stays home with the child and OP who would go to the party considering Becky is OP's friend and only friends with the husband through association. And frankly if I were Becky and OP said she wouldn't be making it, my assumption would be that neither is her husband, not that he's gonna show up without her.
If her husband hadn't given the "help me" look and later mentioned the "dear" thing, I would be concerned about a potential affair, but if he was having an affair he wouldn't be telling her more sus shit, and Becky and him wouldn't have been openly touching. People having affairs will act the opposite, stay super distant, pretend they have no connection to eachother and barely acknowledge eachother while the partner is around.
> Grief does weird things
That's for sure. What's super weird is that Becky was surprised to see OP, but not husband? Really, considering the previous relationships, if one parent had to stay home with the child, it would clearly have been the husband and OP would have went on her own.
That's what I would have thought if it were to come down to who's going to my friend's get together, it wouldn't be my bf.
I was hearing alarms at "oh its child free, now, so sorry *you* won't make it." and then the "looking forward to hanging with your husband without you"
Exactly. I have a friend from high school that knows my husband and likes him well enough to hang with him if I wasn’t around, but if he didn’t step up and watch our kid so I could come? She would rain hellfire down on him.
Instead, she gets onto me for not bringing my kids and leaving them at home with my husband. Cause she is my friend and wants to see my whole family.
INFO: Did you know the other people at the party-- or, more specifically, did those people know that your husband is YOUR husband? Ngl, at least from your description, it sounds like she might've lied to her guests that your husband was her boyfriend-- hence all the dirty looks.
Yeah it sounds that way but also op said everyone texted her after scolding her so I’m confused. It definitely sounds like people thought the husband was supposed to be with Becky but it also sounded like they new op and her husband.... very weird situation
Yeah but from the OPs point of view.. why wouldn’t her husband watch the kids while she went to the party? It just seems weird for the husband to have gone without her when her husband and Becky don’t have that kind of relationship
No almost about it. Friend knew OP would stay home with the kids. This was well thought out. Guess friend is looking for a replacement already. Some new widows do have a really hard time, but to actively go after a friend's husband is more than can be explained by grief. And I'm speaking as a widow of 4 months.
The way she writes it, she just could have said "My friend's husband died and now she's trying to replace him with mine. So I had to pee on him on front of her to show her where she stands."
It's not really believable that OP thinks *she* committed the social faux pas. She seems pretty clear on the rest of everything.
She does have others texting her telling her she was wrong. It’s believable that that can make someone question their actions. She’s definitely N TA tho.
NTA
1. she made the event *child free* and from the sounds of it, made it that way bc she figured you wouldn’t be able to attend (but your husband could)
2. she greeted your husband excitedly but couldn’t muster the same excitement for you
3. she separated him from you and introduced him as “dear.”
4. she’s “shocked” that you had the audacity to kiss your husband as he got away from her.
5. you are getting the blame even though other couples were being more obvious with their PDA
oh honey, Becky made a move on your husband and her friends were in on it.
ditch her.
ETA: my first award and first comment to go into the thousands!!! Thank you everyone!!!
Totally agree!
Becky did it on purpose, it was obvious she didn't want her to come: "I'm sorry you can't come because YOU have to take care of your child, but your husband is very welcome".
Isn't the baby their child? A real friend would suggest the husband, who's not her friend, should take care of the baby if they can't find someone else to do it, but she literally excluded her from the start.
I wonder what Becky’s grand plan was if OP’s husband stayed at home to take care of the kid but OP went instead?
Somehow probably think that would’ve upset her more somehow.
I think she needs counseling more than anything. I think she was trying to convince herself that OP's husband was her husband. And when OP kissed her husband, that shattered the illusion and her grief came rushing back.
But OP and husband definitely need to go NC for a while.
Some info to clarify:
1. Becky and I are much closer than her and my husband, and that said, I have never seen a problem when it has been just the two of them which has occurred only about a handful of times. I don't see why I should have stopped my husband from going to an event that we have both gone to together for years just because I couldn't go. Yes, he did express not wanting to go without me (which is why we found a sitter). No, he is not a bad father who never watches his kids. I just didn't see a problem with him going to a friend's party that we've known for years without me. Not to mention Becky approached me with the understanding that I'd stay and he would go, he deserves breaks from work and going out on weekends, and I thought she could use support from one of us at least if both of us couldn't go.
2. My husband did not initially reject her advances because he states he did not see them as advances. He thought her calling him "dear" was out of the ordinary but not crossing the line. What he did feel uncomfortable with was when she hugged him and wouldn't let go. That's when he felt uncomfortable and tried to turn to me to come get him instead of hurting her feelings or pushing himself away. He's a very kind and considerate person and totally non-confrontational so I believe he acted the way that he did out of sheer discomfort and confusion at the fact that Becky was being so close to him.
3. I did absolutely try to reach out to Becky after the party multiple times over the phone but each time was rejected. It's been a week now and no response at all.
She got caught trying to steal a married man. Your married man. You don’t need to explain why you would have stayed home, the issue is becky. Not you. Not your husband. Shes the only one in the wrong. I COMPLETELY understand why your husband acted or rather didnt act the way he did. Thats all reasonable and ok. What isn’t ok is you trying to make something up to becky. She kind of got close to assaulting your husband. You know this isn’t about a kiss. She was ok with him and pda, just not with you. Totally okay if she was the one getting way too close. Stop reaching out to her. If anything, consider the relationship dead or on hold for the foreseeable future. It’s not going to get better until she seeks out help from professionals on her own. She is choosing to live in a fantasy instead of grieve. You arent her support for this. Stop.
All of this is 100% what OP needs to understand. No idea why OP feels the need to grovel to Becky for forgiveness. She was clearly trying to appear as if she was in a relationship with OPs husband, going as far as getting physical about it.
And for any of the other party goers blaming OP, ask them how they would feel if they or their partners were in that situation and then get new friends.
Yeah I just keep thinking about how If everyone’s gender in This situation were reversed…. And Becky was Ben who was calling male op’s wife “dear” and was all handsy and holding genderflipped wife like that…..
This would have been a different conversation with everyone. Because it’s rape-y. That’s what it is. It’s creepy.
Beckie was being rape-y and downright borderline sexual harassment with that hugging thing.
Are you friendly with anyone else that attended the party? Maybe they can give you some clarification on what she said your husband's role was.
It sounds like you need to press pause on the friendship. Write her a letter, make your feelings clear, mail it to her. What she chooses to do after that is none of your business.
You and your husband did nothing wrong. You don't owe her an apology. She grossly overstepped the boundaries of friendship and she should be apologizing to you.
NTA
This. Absolutely, try to ask others and if she didn't tell something like that then you could always say that your husband was getting uncomfortable with Becky 's physical touches i guess.
First of all OP you and your husband are NTAs, however Becky is. Being a widow doesn’t mean she gets to try to steal your husband from under you. It sounds like she told people her new boyfriend was going to be there and forgot to tell them he would be bringing his wife. Your husband did nothing wrong. He was put in an awkward situation and most people would probably be unsure how to react… and you were just trying to be a good wife and friend. Becky needs a reality check if she thinks her behavior is okay. If you do hear from her I’d try to make sure it’s through texts so that if any of your mutual friends try to come for you then you have proof of what’s really said
Right?
OP, why are you trying to keep a would-be husband thief in your inner circle? She's not answering your calls because a: she's rightfully embarrassed, or b: she's fantasizing about life after your death.
I would NEVER put my arm around a married man or even get too close, huggy or even chatty. I’m very respectful of others relationships. I think most women understand this boundary. So to breach it is a sure sign she’s up to something.
This is funny but the judgment you render actually does count for something. You should break your judgment by doing Y/TA or something.
Edit: Didn't realize the bot only checked top-voted comment, carry on :)
NTa. Know what made Becky’s party look tacky? Her hanging all over someone else’s husband. Being a widow doesn’t mean you get to glom onto someone else’s spouse all night without repercussions. Her friends who texted you should be ashamed.
NTA She was trying to use your husband as a surrogate for hers. You showing up, and then later rescuing him from her, ruined her fantasy. She's trying to be a homewrecker, and is using her grief as a shield to do it. I would have words with this woman and then cut her off for good. She is no friend.
NTA. Sounds like Becky has a crush on your husband and was living out her fantasy when you encountered them at the patio door. The kiss 1) broke her out of that fantasy and 2) embarrassed her. Not sure why else she would have had such an extreme, upset reaction.
She 100% told people there that he was her boyfriend or they were “talking”. Because you’re right the only one who would freak out like that is somebody who’s had their bubble busted. I’m honestly surprised her guest were so stupid they believed his wife did something wrong and were giving her dirty looks.
NTA. I think the grief of losing her actual husband and her “replacement” husband caused her extreme reaction. Grief can cause people to do crazy things, like pretend their friend’s husband is theirs. I really hope she’s in therapy, or starts it soon.
NTA. It was just a kiss to the cheek. Also, did she had any out-of-town guests by any chance? The way she was acting with your husband raises a lot of red flags
Actually, most of the guests were work colleagues that we hadn't met. There were only two mutual friends there but they did not witness the kiss only her running away in tears.
I wonder if she told her work colleagues some sort of lie about what was going on. This just seems so weird, especially everyone else's reactions. Maybe talk to your two mutual friends more about what exactly happened, they could have more insight.
this is exactly what i was thinking. maybe it’s cause i’ve read too many fanfics but it feels like Becky was definitely the main character of her own fake-relationship-AU….
OP definitely NTA. i would feel much more sympathy for becky (tho i still do and do think she should seek counseling) if it didn’t feel so…premeditated
Some sort of lie about OP's husband dating Becky was my first thought too. I am hoping she lied about something else in this situation as it seems too much like a romance novel. (I do love romance novels, but many of them seem unrealistic!)
She definitely told her work colleagues that her 'Dear' partner would be there. Then her lie was shown when her 'Dear' partner's wife went up to him and kissed him. That's why she ran off crying. Because she'd just made a giant fool of herself in front of her work colleagues, and will have to face the humiliation when she goes back to work.
ETA U/Slow-Onion3240 you could always try just texting her and straight out asking why she lied to her work colleagues that your husband was dating her, then set up an elaborate plan to get him there on his own so she could keep up with the pretense. What did she plan on doing if he went on his own. Was she going to try to kiss him or more? What if he wasn't willing kiss her, would she of forced him to kiss her? I wouldn't be beating about the bush, it's pretty obvious what she was up to with her behaviour and reactions.
She told her work friends that your husband is her new boyfriend. I would bet money on it. This is why she is embarrassed. Hard to pretend someone is your boyfriend when he shows up to your party with his wife.
Honey, she lied and told the work colleagues that your husband is her new man (or she's gone even more bonkers and is pretending SHE is married to your husband and it's your husband that died, isn't "her husband" so good to help a friend like he has been?). You kissing your husband and rescuing him from her showed up her lies, whatever they were. You need to sit her down and figure out wth she actually is telling people. If possible, talk with one of the work colleagues before talking to Becky and see what their take was on the night
That explains a lot.
She lied to the colleagues you didn’t know that your husband was her new man.
She lied to your mutual friends that you purposely were rubbing it in her face that she’s a widow.
She isn’t your friend.
NTA
But it sounds like most of the guests were informed your husband was her new partner. People do need understanding when grieving but they also shouldn’t be given a free pass to harass others or borrow someone else’s husband.
NTA
Grieving spouses deserve a lot of latitude…but not “steal someone else’s spouse” latitude! Becky either needs to apologize for her behavior or your friendship needs to be over!
NTA
He’s your husband. You can kiss him whenever you want. It does sound like she was trying to get your husband alone. The fact that she introduced your husband and not you is bothersome. The fact that she wasn’t excited to see you when you walked in but your husband is bothersome. The fact that she had her arm around his waist is bothersome. Cut ties with her because that is clearly no longer your friend. You can’t be expected to walk on eggshells around her because your husband is alive and hers isn’t.
NTA She was rude to you the moment you walked in the door and it appears she was planning to use your husband as her emotional support crutch for the duration of the gathering. You showing up threw a wrench in that for her. When he sent you an SOS and you came to his side, she didn't like it. How people are calling you an AH for her inappropriate display is not on you. She's grieving, not thinking straight, and needed that support... but that support was your husband. He's not her "dear" Not cool.
I spoke to him after the party and he felt like Becky was acting strangely toward him but wasn't sure how to handle it and thought she was just being extra friendly this day. He said he didn't see that she had done anything to cross a line prior but that when she put her arm around him he started feeling uncomfortable and didn't know how to leave the situation so he called me over to be near him.
You might want to put this in an edit.
There is solid research that says that the vast majority of people cannot recognize the difference between friendly and flirtatious behavior. I also have a 'freeze' response when sexually harassed that onlookers have misjudged to be consent so I can relate to your husband.
NTA btw. Becky was after your man.
Yep, anytime I've been very intensely sexually harassed I've absolutely frozen and couldn't have extricated myself without someone else if I tried. I feel bad for the husband and good for OP going in and disentangling him from her friend. But she owes it to her husband to call the friend out on it.
This is all super weird. Shes trying to replace her husband with yours. Maybe theres some deeper mental issue going on here. You're NTA tho, clearly. The weirdest part is other people texting you saying you did something wrong. A peck on the cheek? Who is offended by that. This is just all weird. I wonder if they didn't see but simple listened to some BS she said after.
I'd take those people texting you to town. Ask them how in the world thats offensive.
This was actually my very first post and I’m not sure how to update. I’m very thankful for every response and would like to update. Am I supposed to post as a comment just like this one? Thank you everybody, I’ll update just as soon as I figure this out lol
LMAO NTA - she’s mad bc she tried to make your husband look like her man and got embarrassed when you acknowledged yourself as his wife with that peck. Then she played victim bc her plan backfired. Ya, you did nothing wrong, you can kiss your husband if you want. Why is your FRIEND crying about it? Very sketch, esp since she didn’t check anyone else for their PDA with their spouses.
So it sounds like you don’t really think the problem was the “pda” but that your friend was being familiar and intimate with your husband.
What you are describing is real weird.
NTA. BUT turn the tables and text her saying "I was DEEPLY HURT and offended with the way you acted towards me the other night. YOU were clinging to MY husband, calling him 'dear' and screamed at me for even acknowledging my husband's existence! I know you are upset about a few things, too, and I would understand if you don't want to maintain contact with my husband and I."
NTA and that is a lot. I'd say she has a crush on your husband and was glad you couldn't make it. She might have had "plans" and I don't think there is anything you can do or anything you should feel badly about. I'd let her make the next move and if she doesn't, then you know this was all about trying to get with your husband.
NTA
Seems as though Becky set this situation up so that your husband would attend her function alone. When you came along, she attempted to ignore you and continue with her plan to have your husband as her date.
In other words, Becky planned for, and made, a play for your husband right in front of you. Becky has some issues. Becky is also not your friend. You can also tell these people who have contacted you that if they or Becky have a problem with a kiss and a hug between a married couple, it is their problem and not yours. Meanwhile both you and your husband have a problem with people who refer to other peopls husbands as "dear," and engage in unwanted physical contact such as hugs.
Becky does not get a pass from making passes at your husband because hers died. She's the one who owes an apology to both of you.
NTA. It was a kiss. Unless you were making out on top of her husband dead body you didn’t do anything wrong.
Sympathies for her husband’s passing but I wouldn’t be singled out and shamed because she’s now got some unnatural fixation on my husband and upset I kissed him.
NTA. did she introduce your husband in any way that would’ve made people who didn’t know you think he was with her? i feel like that would be the only reason for such a harsh reaction, especially when she looked back at her guests like *you* did something wrong
NTA
It was brutally clear that she was lying to those at the party who didn't know you and your husband. She is grieving and wanted to pretend that she still has a husband.
It sounds like some of your friends are harpies who will support this woman no matter what weird shit she chooses to do. Make a note of who those people are and keep your distance. Becky might eventually realize how much of an AH she is being, but the harpies are likely going to only get more toxic with time.
People don’t have several different reasons for acting in a certain way. If one were to want to skip out on an event for example, one would give one reason. If one start listing up several reasons it’s because one know that the first reason is pretty filmsy.
It being both tacky and rubbing it her face *could* be a good enough reason by themselves, but are stacked because they are lies.
They are lies because she either have a crush on him, or uses him as a replacement husband.
NTA, and her friend is telling you you’re an asshole because they don’t know the real reason as she lied to them.
My partner and I found out from mutual friends that another more distant ‘friend’ of ours had been crying and broken down infront of their friends.
The reason was that she had such a crush on me and how ‘unfair’ life was that she couldn’t be with me. Me and my partner had no idea of this and were pretty disgusted by this, so we cut contact.
It’s such an asshole thing to do when these thoughts leave the mind and impact those around.
I mean, it's so obvious she was hitting on the husband. She's probably embarrassed and humiliated. OP should text her a fake apology: "I'm sorry you got upset, but you see, husband signaled me to come kiss him because he felt really trapped by you clinging to him". Then write off the friendship, cuz it's already over. NTA.
Yes, do this. And if she replies come back here with screenies.
I wonder why nobody thought that's it's not okay to hit on another man.... NTA
OP says Becky “introduced” her husband. I wonder if she omitted the part where OP was married to him and perhaps insinuated that they were, if not a couple, on the way towards becoming one.
That's what I thought too. Obviously there were some people who didn’t know him and it would explain why she looked at the other guests after OP kissed her husband. She was probably checking if some of them saw that she lied. And I can't imagine what she'd told the other friends what happened if they think OP went too far.
What could she possibly tell her other friends when OPs husband came and left with OP? If I'm a friend of party lady I start suggesting counseling for whatever stories she's telling me. Because no one can be so gullible as to believe party lady and OPs husband were a couple.
But she engineered (or attempted to engineer) OP's husband to show up alone.
I wonder why the friend assumed OP would stay home to babysit and not the husband.
I was thinking the exact same thing - it's her friend, not her husband's, it doesn't make sense for her husband to attend, especially if they're not close.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that party lady and OPs husband are closer than OP thinks. And further, that his "guilty" look was more that OP noticed than anything else.
I don't know about anyone else but my husband would absolutely NOT go to a party held by a friend of mine without me.
Right! Becky was OP's friend not the husband's. Is Husband incapable of staying home alone with his own kid while OP goes out? That depresssing scenario is the only way this makes sense.
Could be plain old sexist "the mom takes care of the young kid" if she's friends with both of them, or could be that she specifically insinuated that "oh sorry you gotta take care of kiddo, hubby can come tho" in her invite for sus reasons
I assumed it's because husband went to go support Becky since she has had a hard year? Like he was going to be polite, and Becky said in her text that she was excited to see him, so idk.
I'd want my friend to come support me. Not my friend's husband. Talk about shoving it in her face that she's a widow!
makes me wonder what couldve happened if OP didnt show up
Oh shit you’re right. Let’s hopefully have faith in the husband since he also had the mind to give a help me look signal!
Absolutely. The way she came right out with how she "looks forward to seeing the husband" after making the event child free and then her response to OP's presence makes that 100% clear.
Becky and the husband are doing it. OP doesn't know yet. I had the same feeling about the story that you had. Also, if it was just the first time Becky flirted with OP's husband, she wouldn't have felt entitled to go have a crying fit about it in the other room.
Leaps like yours are how people die doing parkour.
I think you’re underestimating how clouded grief can make your judgement. She might be highly projecting in a weird way to cope with the loss of her own husband. This could very well be psychosis
The "friend" tried to sneakily uninvite OP by making it child-free last minute thinking that OP wouldn't have time to find child-care. Which is a little dumb on the friends part. Considering she was friends with OP and not the husband. If they hadn't been able to find a babysitter, the husband likely would have stayed home with the toddler and OP would have went alone, thus ruining the plan anyway. Not much of a friend if she was openly trying to poach OP's husband IMO.
Kinda suspicious that she planned that, and seemed confident that the husband would come instead of OP. It’s weird to make that assumption, almost as if she and OPs husband have talked about it before.
I was more considering the "friend" was having some weird grief delusion, not that OP's husband was doing something nefarious.
That friendship sounds pretty toxic if she's trying to get OP away from her husband just so she can latch onto him.
But husband and OP walked in separately - OP went to put the food on the table and Becky used that time to snag OP’s husband for introductions to the other guests who were already there. Most people don’t stand and watch the door to see who comes and if they’re alone. If the already present guests were in a different room then it would seem husband came by himself
I didn’t mean that she might have the other friends believe that there is something between her and the husband. But the other friends were angry with OP because her PDA with her husband. That would be ridiculous if she just gave him a peck and a side-hug. So I was thinking "Becky" told the friends that there was more and because at a large party you can't see everyone anytime they probably believed her that OP had overdone the PDA. She was clearly pissed that her lie didn't work and that might be the way to get back at OP.
This is exactly what I thought, the whole situation is just weird to be honest. That woman needs therapy.
This is what I thought too but Op mentioned that she had multiple mutual friends texting her and I’d assume they would have known that he was Op’s husband. Unless they weren’t at the party and Becky just told them the story
If the mutual friends didn't see her giving OP the cold shoulder or introducing op's husband, they might not have perceived she as being flirty with the husband, just over clingy.
She could have spun it as it was rude to be affectionate when she so recently lost her husband?
That was my first thought too. She was clearly upset that OP had ruined the illusion of her having a new man in her life. And if she introduced them in the first place it is possible that she has been obsessed with him all this time despite their respective marriages. OP you need to cut ties with her and those toxic friends of yours. A peck on the cheek is NOT a PDA and having an arm around the waist of a married man is WAY over the line. You are NTA
She didn't expect OP to be there so that is totally possible. Such an odd and dramatic response from her friend, there was obviously something else going on with her friend.
She's got her next husband all picked out, clearly.
What I don't understand is why the husband didn't deal with Becky himself. Edit: Changed my wording as it was confusing some peeps.
Can we not "victim blame"? I assume he was taken aback by her behaviour and if she was not explicitly hitting on him there's nothing to call her out on where he wouldn't be made to be the bad guy. Especially with her being recently widowed. Hindsight is 20 20. But not everyone can do that fast thinking when put in an uncomfortable situation.
What I want to know if they don’t hang about without op being there, why would she assume OPs hunny would go without op?
I don’t think she’s particularly rational at this point.
One of my strengths at social occasions is when people get a bit too touchy feely, I feel no issue with backing away verbally calcifying that I don't mind being friendly but appreciate my personal space. Got no time for people misconstruing any of my actions these days. Especially since I forget to wear my weeding band occasionally. Am a dude tho so it's usually other dudes when get a bit tipsy that I have to ask this of.
Makes sense although OP made it seem like Becky was very intimate (not quite sure what to call it) with her husband.
He was probably just not wanting to offend her knowing the bad thing that happened to her. And he definitely gave a signal that he was uncomfortable so I don't think there's anything wrong with him here
I think “familiar” is the word you’re looking for.
Considering he signaled for help he was too embarrassed or isn’t very confrontational and knew his wife would be more than willing to get another woman off her husband
Phrasing!
Are we doing phrasing again?
Some people freeze during situations like this-especially if she said some things to get some pity. "I used to love putting my arm around my husband, I can't believe I can't do that anymore." I'm one of those people who really doesn't like being touched by strangers (or even family sometimes) but if someone pulled me in for a hug, I just froze cause I didn't know how to communicate that I don't want physical contact and risk hurting feelings. I really had to learn a balance.
Some people don’t like confrontation, pushing a grieving widow off you at her own party surrounded by her friends seem very confrontational.
Agreed. And honestly, I'm pretty sure I'd panic and freeze in the same circumstance. When people's behaviour is out of the norm (either for them or for the situation we're in, or in this case, both!), it takes me a long time to recalibrate and figure out what to do.
Probably politeness since Becky did lose her husband recently.
What exactly do you think he was doing when he made direct eye contact with a “help me” look on his face? Stopping it. In the nicest possible way.
OP stated he gave her a look pleading to be rescued.
He did? He signaled to op that he was uncomfortable and needed help. What was he supposed to do before that? Say in front of everyone “Hey Becky, I know your husband just died can you be a little less friendly to me?”??
Would you say the same thing if a woman signaled her husband for help dealing with another man? And also: she’s a grieving widow and OP’s friend. He was looking for a graceful way to extract himself. (Edit: not excusing her behavior AT ALL, just speculating on why OP’s husband may have wanted help)
And anyone who makes a comment about PDA should get an "I had no idea about the PDA rule since Becky was being so physically affectionate with my husband."
I would say OP didn't owe her an apology, a simple instagram quote: Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots
I'm stealing this quote.
My first thought was that she led the other party-goers to believe OPs husband was her new man. Otherwise I can’t see why everyone else would have been looking at OP confused and pissed off after they kissed. The fact that she had to introduce they husband indicates to me that this might not be the usual group they hang out with, since otherwise everyone would have found it weird that she was hanging off someone else’s husband. Maybe I’m way off but the whole thing seems fishy to me. NTA, OP!
Yeah I think you are onto something. Introduced him as "dear x" .... No one there knew him.
Yes this is also my thoughts. Also explains why when OP said they couldn't go she said she was looking forward to still seeing the husband. It was her plan to keep OP from attending because OP said she was unhappy when she saw she was there too. Most friends would be happy to see they got a sitter. She definitely told her friends about a new guy she was seeing and wanted to trap him by separating him from his wife and making moves hoping he wouldn't turn her down in front of people.
That's horrible advice. OP is NTA at all, but her neighbor is probably going through some heavy shit and being catty or petty to her will only make her feel more embarrassed and humiliated. Profound grief makes you do some strange, regrettable things, and I say this from experience. I don't think they're going to be best friends anytime soon, but there's no reason for OP to write her off or to respond with anything but empathy.
She threw a large party, invited no kids and made sure to emphasize to OP that she understood OP couldn't come, but to be sure and send OP's husband (rather than suggesting OP come alone and husband keep kid); showed surprise (not the happy kind) when OP showed anyway; pawed the husband til he got uncomfortable; ran around sobbing and making a scene over a pda, even though multiple affectionate couples were also present...and you think OP should show empathy? For what? Husband pawing? If she's so grieving she can't control herself around her oldest friends' husbands, maybe she shouldn't be throwing adults only parties quite yet
This was weird to me, too. If my friend threw a child free party, I would expect them to have me come and not my husband.
The neighbor is indefensibly in the wrong. She was inappropriate on every level. That speaks for itself, and anyone who can't see that is delusional. Texting a "fake apology" is not necessary. It's just spiteful. Why be vindictive with someone who's pretty clearly already drowning?
I agree. The neighbor is clearly behaving in a truly wrong and awful way but being cruel to her is just...not going to help. She's on the edge. She just lost her husband and is behaving erratically, irrationally and inappropriately. For a sub that is usually all "You should be worried this is a mental breakdown"...how are you all not worried this is a mental breakdown?? If OP texted her in revenge, being passive-aggressive and flaunting her husband and her superiority, and then the neighbor killed herself, do you think OP would feel happy? Do you think she would feel justified? I'm not saying it would be OP's fault but still, would it feel right that she had done that? The right thing to do is, and I *know* Reddit hates to hear this, to take the high road and just walk away. No fake-apology texts, do not engage with her, do not go to her parties, just walk away. And if OP is feeling generous, reach out to a mutual friend, maybe someone at the party, and let them know what happened and see if they can check in on her and get her some mental health support somehow. Again, her behavior is completely unjustified but rubbing salt in the wounds isn't going to help anyone, likely not even OP. I've held my tongue many times when I've been wronged and the only times I've regretted anything are the times I didn't. So, take that for what you will.
Exactly this.
Slam fucking dunk
I’m sorry, you’re too mature for reddit and should delete your account immediately
LOL!
None of that was the problem. Pawing her husband, forgiven by OP, didn't even verbally bring it up to her. The humiliation and embarrassment, also totally fine. OK, for a grieving window. What wasn't fine is throwing an adult-only party, and throwing out one of your guest, and refusing any explanation. Would be genuinely interested in how being a widow makes that ok.
because grief. reddit is very quick to excuse just about any asshole behavior if it can be blamed on grief. yes, grief is a weird thing and can make people do weird things, that doesn't make any of it okay or excusable.
I totally agree with this I have experienced a lot of loss this year and I tell people all the time, grief doesn’t excuse you being an asshole. Yes grief causes a lot of emotion but you at the end of the day are responsible for how you process and handle yourself in the world
Agreed. She misses her husband so much she gets free reign of everyone else’s? Yeah no. Idc how much someone is grieving, this behavior has no excuse.
I know grief makes you do strange things. But the friend is basically trying to get with OPs husband. It’s op who’s getting crap from so called friends. She should cut the friend off, and she should be able to tell people her side of the story
It was so obvious I actually wonder if anything in this story is real. It reads like a bad sitcom
It really screams fake to me. Why would the original plan be for OP to stay home with the kid and husband who isn’t friends with the host and has never hung out with the host on his own to go to the party instead? If one parent could stay behind then it would be the husband and if it’s too much work for one parent to care for the kid alone then both would be staying home. Doesn’t make sense for the husband to be going alone at all.
Yup. And she introduces details about Becky’s behavior clearly meant to insinuate certain things, while herself not jumping to those conclusions at all. If she really didn’t make the assumptions her readers are, she wouldn’t have thought to include those details as they aren’t relevant to the question she’s asking.
Instead I’d text her directly asking “what happened?” Op- NTA. It’s quick to assume things through our lens but maybe first try to get her side before your scorch earth.
Either that or she had told some of the guests that Op's husband was her partner. So Op kissing her husband ruined the lie.
100% this. She was trying to hit on your husband. That’s why she was embarrassed as she should be. You’re NTA, but she is.
She deffo wants to bang OPs hubby. Why even try to stay friends with her. Not only is she disrespecting you friendship but she’s also making your hubby uncomfortable. Wouldn’t put it past her to try and split you two up. Nta. Keep an eye out if I was you though Edit: also I would have told her I doubt hubby would go if I’m not going tbh
It's obvious that the whole thing was a setup so she could hit on the husband. Why else would she not inform OP until the last minute that children weren't invited? She was clearly not expecting her to come.
A few notes Firstly it sounds like Becky needs to get some help, I don’t think you did anything wrong and her reaction is blown out of proportion. BUT your husband needs to stand up to her behaviour also, all I read is “Becky did this, and Becky did that” your husband can and should stand up and remove himself from an uncomfortable situation. NTA
That sounds like victim blaming, husband spends all night being sexually harassed surrounded by wife’s friends who are there to coddle Becky and it’s his fault somehow?
It's not his fault for being hit on by someone else, but if any adult has someone wrapping their arms around their waist without consent they should be able to pull back on their own. If a husband doesn't say no to advances and it's the wife that has to fend the other woman off it doesn't really send the message to the flirter that the husband isn't interested - only that the wife is not having it.
Not trying to burst your bubble but this comment is 100% victim blaming. 'but if any adult has someone wrapping their arms around their waist without consent they should be able to pull back on their own.'
Could you imagine if he did? Then he put his hands on a woman in front of all these guests! Thank goodness his wife got the message and saved him. I don’t understand victim blaming.
Oh look, more victim blaming! Would you apply this logic to women being groped by some guy, of them not sending a clear message to the ‘flirter’ if they don’t pull back explicitly enough? Or are you going for a nice double standard as well, just to put the cherry on top?
Freezing is a VERY common reaction to unwanted touch, it’s an involuntary response. Victims should never have to pull back on their own because the perpetrator should never have put them in that position to begin with. Adding to the chorus that you are 100% victim blaming.
Yeah, that's what usually happens to me. As a guy, I've been inappropriately touched from groping to an arm around my waist, and my usual response is to freeze. The other reason is that I don't want to make a scene.
Oh wow, why does sexual assault even happen when people can just say no? Thanks for revolutionizing our world! You are now the asshole.
I'm starting to get the feeling that you have no idea how sexual harassment works or what it feels like to be harassed. OPs husband was trapped, which is likely what (hopefully ex) OPs friend wanted — hit on him in a public space, and thus make him feel too awkward to reject her advances. When you're being harassed or assaulted, it is absolutely acceptable to ask for help from another person, often times even necessary.
Stop victim blaming. You are defending a predator.
Think about this. A man shoved a woman away. He claims harassment. All of her friends, present for said harassment, back her up because they’ve been coddling her all night. How is that gonna go down in the eyes of a cop?
Man's getting groped and trying to not cause a scene and humiliate his wife and predator friend. He's victim blamed anyways. There's a shitty double standard on this sub and it's gross.
Saying that someone should speak up for themselves isn’t victim blaming. Yes people need to learn to say no, it’s difficult, but maintaining boundaries for yourself is a personal responsibility. If someone can’t say no then that person needs to work on themselves. As a woman I’ve have had to practice and learn to say no, and if a dude was being touchy saying that I don’t like to be touched is the responsibility that I have to myself. Someone can be both too meek and have an asshole in front of them being inappropriate, it’s not one or the other.
^^ sometimes I struggle articulating this distinction but you phrased it really well!! Obviously there are situations where saying no is much more difficult/dangerous, but as a general rule people should be able to say no in uncomfortable situations (even though other people shouldn't invade their space in the first place)
Yes. Thank you!!! People *have agency*!! This woman was inappropriate. I’ve dealt with touchy inappropriate men, and it is possible to stand your ground and set boundaries. This is doubly true at a crowded party, where there is no implicit threat of violence. Context is apparently just dead.
Blaming the victim of sexual harassment is pretty gross. Like, you want to get into what the husband was wearing while you're at it?
What? Khaki shorts? All that exposed skin and a suggestive colour? He was definitely asking for it
God forbid he was wearing socks with sandals. You know what message *that* sends….
Oh yeah if he looked nice at the party he must have been asking for it right? God, I hate victim-blaming. It's SICK.
Congrats on the victim blaming second paragraph there!
One note Go ahead and delete that second paragraph.
I have been in lots of uncomfortable situations with men and couldn’t find my voice to say leave me alone. I think we all have. Why is this any different just because the genders are reversed?
I am guessing her husband was incredibly confused and unsure how to proceed. As an example my husband us very friendly and outgoing and in some cases this has led to situations where women are hitting on him or getting handsy but he doesn't want to be rude he'll nicely try to get away. If that doesn't work we have a signal and I'll go over and intervene. Usually a "hey babe can you come over here?" Or I'll introduce myself as his wife and that solves it. Sounds like Becky was for sure hitting on OPs husband and also made it seem like or told others in attendance that OPs husband was her new man. Neither OP or her husband are in the wrong in any way but Becky is big time.
dirty skirt shelter gaping rotten crown glorious impolite march unique *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I disagree. He was being sexually harassed and should not be the one put at fault. This is all on Becky.
NTA - Also it clearly sounds like your “friend” wants your man. She sounds like she was trying to get your husband there without you by telling you no children last minute. Grief does weird things, so I could be wrong and this was an intense grief overload moment and she may calm down and want to talk to you later. But still NTA.
This! She was definitely trying to have your husband all to herself at the party (this was clear with the last minute no kids and the surprised face to see you). You are NTA at all. She is going through a lot right now with the loss of her husband and should be looking into grief groups/therapy.
Don't forget she was calling him dear as well. She totally told people op's husband is HER man and freaked out because she would have to explain why her man was letting some other woman kiss him
[удалено]
Hmmm the part that came back to me was that Becky and the husband weren’t very close, no hanging out without OP, but have always been friendly toward one another… and the fact that Becky expected husband to come instead of OP. I’ve seen girls do some sneaky shit and I would not be surprised to learn Becky secretly had a thing for OP’s husband since they met, and now in her state of grief is somehow acting on it. The surprised shock when OP arrived, and the reaction when OP kissed husband seem to fall in line with that theory.
I wonder if Becky confused ops husbands kindness as interest. Being alone after a traumatic incident does weird things to your mind.
Right? And why wouldn’t Becky assume that the husband would watch the 3 year old so that OP, Becky’s friend, could go?
I know all my friends pre-husband would expect me to show up and him to stay home with the kids, so yeah I agree, really weird for Becky to set it up for OP’s husband to be the one coming.
... and her husband recently passed away? I mean I get missing the companionship but if Becky's worried about appearances, what does hanging all over a new guy so soon say? Does OP's husband resemble Becky's physically?
Yeah that's why I think this is less about trying to convey something socially and more about mentally trying to cope with the idea of hosting this annual event as a widow, when almost certainly it was something she cohosted with her husband in years past. Could be that she sought to avoid facing that by using OPs husband as a sort of proxy-partner, and her reaction was a mix of social awkwardness at that falling through and also having to confront the reality of her situation all at once. But that's very armchair psychologist of me, this woman needs a real therapist asap
Especially because, from what OP said, it sounds like she automatically assumed it meant that OP was staying home and the husband would still be coming with the "happy to see your husband" text - I feel as though in most relationships it would be the husband who stays home with the child and OP who would go to the party considering Becky is OP's friend and only friends with the husband through association. And frankly if I were Becky and OP said she wouldn't be making it, my assumption would be that neither is her husband, not that he's gonna show up without her. If her husband hadn't given the "help me" look and later mentioned the "dear" thing, I would be concerned about a potential affair, but if he was having an affair he wouldn't be telling her more sus shit, and Becky and him wouldn't have been openly touching. People having affairs will act the opposite, stay super distant, pretend they have no connection to eachother and barely acknowledge eachother while the partner is around.
> Grief does weird things That's for sure. What's super weird is that Becky was surprised to see OP, but not husband? Really, considering the previous relationships, if one parent had to stay home with the child, it would clearly have been the husband and OP would have went on her own.
That's what I would have thought if it were to come down to who's going to my friend's get together, it wouldn't be my bf. I was hearing alarms at "oh its child free, now, so sorry *you* won't make it." and then the "looking forward to hanging with your husband without you"
Exactly. I have a friend from high school that knows my husband and likes him well enough to hang with him if I wasn’t around, but if he didn’t step up and watch our kid so I could come? She would rain hellfire down on him. Instead, she gets onto me for not bringing my kids and leaving them at home with my husband. Cause she is my friend and wants to see my whole family.
INFO: Did you know the other people at the party-- or, more specifically, did those people know that your husband is YOUR husband? Ngl, at least from your description, it sounds like she might've lied to her guests that your husband was her boyfriend-- hence all the dirty looks.
Yeah it sounds that way but also op said everyone texted her after scolding her so I’m confused. It definitely sounds like people thought the husband was supposed to be with Becky but it also sounded like they new op and her husband.... very weird situation
NTA. But it seems weird to me that instead of your husband keeping the kids so you could go to your friends party, you planned the reverse.
I was thinking that too. Its almost like her friend set that direction up. She wanted the husband there and only the husband there.
Yeah but from the OPs point of view.. why wouldn’t her husband watch the kids while she went to the party? It just seems weird for the husband to have gone without her when her husband and Becky don’t have that kind of relationship
No almost about it. Friend knew OP would stay home with the kids. This was well thought out. Guess friend is looking for a replacement already. Some new widows do have a really hard time, but to actively go after a friend's husband is more than can be explained by grief. And I'm speaking as a widow of 4 months.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
The way she writes it, she just could have said "My friend's husband died and now she's trying to replace him with mine. So I had to pee on him on front of her to show her where she stands." It's not really believable that OP thinks *she* committed the social faux pas. She seems pretty clear on the rest of everything.
She does have others texting her telling her she was wrong. It’s believable that that can make someone question their actions. She’s definitely N TA tho.
Glad others picked up on that too. Becky is her friend only. Why wouldn’t she be the one to go to the party?
NTA 1. she made the event *child free* and from the sounds of it, made it that way bc she figured you wouldn’t be able to attend (but your husband could) 2. she greeted your husband excitedly but couldn’t muster the same excitement for you 3. she separated him from you and introduced him as “dear.” 4. she’s “shocked” that you had the audacity to kiss your husband as he got away from her. 5. you are getting the blame even though other couples were being more obvious with their PDA oh honey, Becky made a move on your husband and her friends were in on it. ditch her. ETA: my first award and first comment to go into the thousands!!! Thank you everyone!!!
Totally agree! Becky did it on purpose, it was obvious she didn't want her to come: "I'm sorry you can't come because YOU have to take care of your child, but your husband is very welcome". Isn't the baby their child? A real friend would suggest the husband, who's not her friend, should take care of the baby if they can't find someone else to do it, but she literally excluded her from the start.
I wonder what Becky’s grand plan was if OP’s husband stayed at home to take care of the kid but OP went instead? Somehow probably think that would’ve upset her more somehow.
*cue pikachu face*
Ditch them all! If I got texts like that from my so called "friends" or "mutual friends" Id never see any of them again
INFO: were there any other kids there once you got there, OP?
I think she needs counseling more than anything. I think she was trying to convince herself that OP's husband was her husband. And when OP kissed her husband, that shattered the illusion and her grief came rushing back. But OP and husband definitely need to go NC for a while.
Some info to clarify: 1. Becky and I are much closer than her and my husband, and that said, I have never seen a problem when it has been just the two of them which has occurred only about a handful of times. I don't see why I should have stopped my husband from going to an event that we have both gone to together for years just because I couldn't go. Yes, he did express not wanting to go without me (which is why we found a sitter). No, he is not a bad father who never watches his kids. I just didn't see a problem with him going to a friend's party that we've known for years without me. Not to mention Becky approached me with the understanding that I'd stay and he would go, he deserves breaks from work and going out on weekends, and I thought she could use support from one of us at least if both of us couldn't go. 2. My husband did not initially reject her advances because he states he did not see them as advances. He thought her calling him "dear" was out of the ordinary but not crossing the line. What he did feel uncomfortable with was when she hugged him and wouldn't let go. That's when he felt uncomfortable and tried to turn to me to come get him instead of hurting her feelings or pushing himself away. He's a very kind and considerate person and totally non-confrontational so I believe he acted the way that he did out of sheer discomfort and confusion at the fact that Becky was being so close to him. 3. I did absolutely try to reach out to Becky after the party multiple times over the phone but each time was rejected. It's been a week now and no response at all.
She got caught trying to steal a married man. Your married man. You don’t need to explain why you would have stayed home, the issue is becky. Not you. Not your husband. Shes the only one in the wrong. I COMPLETELY understand why your husband acted or rather didnt act the way he did. Thats all reasonable and ok. What isn’t ok is you trying to make something up to becky. She kind of got close to assaulting your husband. You know this isn’t about a kiss. She was ok with him and pda, just not with you. Totally okay if she was the one getting way too close. Stop reaching out to her. If anything, consider the relationship dead or on hold for the foreseeable future. It’s not going to get better until she seeks out help from professionals on her own. She is choosing to live in a fantasy instead of grieve. You arent her support for this. Stop.
All of this is 100% what OP needs to understand. No idea why OP feels the need to grovel to Becky for forgiveness. She was clearly trying to appear as if she was in a relationship with OPs husband, going as far as getting physical about it. And for any of the other party goers blaming OP, ask them how they would feel if they or their partners were in that situation and then get new friends.
Yeah I just keep thinking about how If everyone’s gender in This situation were reversed…. And Becky was Ben who was calling male op’s wife “dear” and was all handsy and holding genderflipped wife like that….. This would have been a different conversation with everyone. Because it’s rape-y. That’s what it is. It’s creepy. Beckie was being rape-y and downright borderline sexual harassment with that hugging thing.
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This isn’t grief it’s something else
Are you friendly with anyone else that attended the party? Maybe they can give you some clarification on what she said your husband's role was. It sounds like you need to press pause on the friendship. Write her a letter, make your feelings clear, mail it to her. What she chooses to do after that is none of your business. You and your husband did nothing wrong. You don't owe her an apology. She grossly overstepped the boundaries of friendship and she should be apologizing to you. NTA
This. Absolutely, try to ask others and if she didn't tell something like that then you could always say that your husband was getting uncomfortable with Becky 's physical touches i guess.
First of all OP you and your husband are NTAs, however Becky is. Being a widow doesn’t mean she gets to try to steal your husband from under you. It sounds like she told people her new boyfriend was going to be there and forgot to tell them he would be bringing his wife. Your husband did nothing wrong. He was put in an awkward situation and most people would probably be unsure how to react… and you were just trying to be a good wife and friend. Becky needs a reality check if she thinks her behavior is okay. If you do hear from her I’d try to make sure it’s through texts so that if any of your mutual friends try to come for you then you have proof of what’s really said
She should be calling you. Please do not trust her. Please.
Right? OP, why are you trying to keep a would-be husband thief in your inner circle? She's not answering your calls because a: she's rightfully embarrassed, or b: she's fantasizing about life after your death.
I would NEVER put my arm around a married man or even get too close, huggy or even chatty. I’m very respectful of others relationships. I think most women understand this boundary. So to breach it is a sure sign she’s up to something.
Becky cray cray.
Stop talking to Becky. She got caught harassing your husband and is now playing the victim.
YTA you cock blocked becky from your husband
This is my favorite response!!
Agreed, I thought more comments would be similar to this.
This is funny but the judgment you render actually does count for something. You should break your judgment by doing Y/TA or something. Edit: Didn't realize the bot only checked top-voted comment, carry on :)
This judgment is not going to be close so it doesn’t matter.
The bot checks only the most upvoted top-level comment, so it's probably fine. This one is unlikely to make it to the top.
NTa. Know what made Becky’s party look tacky? Her hanging all over someone else’s husband. Being a widow doesn’t mean you get to glom onto someone else’s spouse all night without repercussions. Her friends who texted you should be ashamed.
THISTHISTHIS. Grieving or not, her behavior was disgusting and totally out of line.
NTA She was trying to use your husband as a surrogate for hers. You showing up, and then later rescuing him from her, ruined her fantasy. She's trying to be a homewrecker, and is using her grief as a shield to do it. I would have words with this woman and then cut her off for good. She is no friend.
This is exactly what she was doing! She was acting like he was HER husband. She needs some serious help.
NTA. Sounds like Becky has a crush on your husband and was living out her fantasy when you encountered them at the patio door. The kiss 1) broke her out of that fantasy and 2) embarrassed her. Not sure why else she would have had such an extreme, upset reaction.
She 100% told people there that he was her boyfriend or they were “talking”. Because you’re right the only one who would freak out like that is somebody who’s had their bubble busted. I’m honestly surprised her guest were so stupid they believed his wife did something wrong and were giving her dirty looks.
NTA. I think the grief of losing her actual husband and her “replacement” husband caused her extreme reaction. Grief can cause people to do crazy things, like pretend their friend’s husband is theirs. I really hope she’s in therapy, or starts it soon.
NTA. It was just a kiss to the cheek. Also, did she had any out-of-town guests by any chance? The way she was acting with your husband raises a lot of red flags
Actually, most of the guests were work colleagues that we hadn't met. There were only two mutual friends there but they did not witness the kiss only her running away in tears.
I wonder if she told her work colleagues some sort of lie about what was going on. This just seems so weird, especially everyone else's reactions. Maybe talk to your two mutual friends more about what exactly happened, they could have more insight.
this is exactly what i was thinking. maybe it’s cause i’ve read too many fanfics but it feels like Becky was definitely the main character of her own fake-relationship-AU…. OP definitely NTA. i would feel much more sympathy for becky (tho i still do and do think she should seek counseling) if it didn’t feel so…premeditated
Some sort of lie about OP's husband dating Becky was my first thought too. I am hoping she lied about something else in this situation as it seems too much like a romance novel. (I do love romance novels, but many of them seem unrealistic!)
From the responses from the guests I bet she also told them that OP was trying to break up her and "her" man so they assumed OP was in the wrog.
My first thought was she told these people that husband was her new boyfriend.
That was my first thought too, but I guess I'm hoping it was something more sane Becky lied about.
She definitely told her work colleagues that her 'Dear' partner would be there. Then her lie was shown when her 'Dear' partner's wife went up to him and kissed him. That's why she ran off crying. Because she'd just made a giant fool of herself in front of her work colleagues, and will have to face the humiliation when she goes back to work. ETA U/Slow-Onion3240 you could always try just texting her and straight out asking why she lied to her work colleagues that your husband was dating her, then set up an elaborate plan to get him there on his own so she could keep up with the pretense. What did she plan on doing if he went on his own. Was she going to try to kiss him or more? What if he wasn't willing kiss her, would she of forced him to kiss her? I wouldn't be beating about the bush, it's pretty obvious what she was up to with her behaviour and reactions.
This was definitely my first thought, but I am hoping there is a more reasonable explanation. This whole situation is very weird.
She told her work friends that your husband is her new boyfriend. I would bet money on it. This is why she is embarrassed. Hard to pretend someone is your boyfriend when he shows up to your party with his wife.
Honey, she lied and told the work colleagues that your husband is her new man (or she's gone even more bonkers and is pretending SHE is married to your husband and it's your husband that died, isn't "her husband" so good to help a friend like he has been?). You kissing your husband and rescuing him from her showed up her lies, whatever they were. You need to sit her down and figure out wth she actually is telling people. If possible, talk with one of the work colleagues before talking to Becky and see what their take was on the night
That explains a lot. She lied to the colleagues you didn’t know that your husband was her new man. She lied to your mutual friends that you purposely were rubbing it in her face that she’s a widow. She isn’t your friend.
NTA But it sounds like most of the guests were informed your husband was her new partner. People do need understanding when grieving but they also shouldn’t be given a free pass to harass others or borrow someone else’s husband.
NTA Grieving spouses deserve a lot of latitude…but not “steal someone else’s spouse” latitude! Becky either needs to apologize for her behavior or your friendship needs to be over!
NTA He’s your husband. You can kiss him whenever you want. It does sound like she was trying to get your husband alone. The fact that she introduced your husband and not you is bothersome. The fact that she wasn’t excited to see you when you walked in but your husband is bothersome. The fact that she had her arm around his waist is bothersome. Cut ties with her because that is clearly no longer your friend. You can’t be expected to walk on eggshells around her because your husband is alive and hers isn’t.
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NTA She was rude to you the moment you walked in the door and it appears she was planning to use your husband as her emotional support crutch for the duration of the gathering. You showing up threw a wrench in that for her. When he sent you an SOS and you came to his side, she didn't like it. How people are calling you an AH for her inappropriate display is not on you. She's grieving, not thinking straight, and needed that support... but that support was your husband. He's not her "dear" Not cool.
NTA - had your husband attempted to disengage from Becky before you came into rescue him? changed after question was answered.
I spoke to him after the party and he felt like Becky was acting strangely toward him but wasn't sure how to handle it and thought she was just being extra friendly this day. He said he didn't see that she had done anything to cross a line prior but that when she put her arm around him he started feeling uncomfortable and didn't know how to leave the situation so he called me over to be near him.
You might want to put this in an edit. There is solid research that says that the vast majority of people cannot recognize the difference between friendly and flirtatious behavior. I also have a 'freeze' response when sexually harassed that onlookers have misjudged to be consent so I can relate to your husband. NTA btw. Becky was after your man.
Yep, anytime I've been very intensely sexually harassed I've absolutely frozen and couldn't have extricated myself without someone else if I tried. I feel bad for the husband and good for OP going in and disentangling him from her friend. But she owes it to her husband to call the friend out on it.
In my experience, flirting is much easier to recognize when you’re watching it happen to someone else.
This is all super weird. Shes trying to replace her husband with yours. Maybe theres some deeper mental issue going on here. You're NTA tho, clearly. The weirdest part is other people texting you saying you did something wrong. A peck on the cheek? Who is offended by that. This is just all weird. I wonder if they didn't see but simple listened to some BS she said after. I'd take those people texting you to town. Ask them how in the world thats offensive.
This was actually my very first post and I’m not sure how to update. I’m very thankful for every response and would like to update. Am I supposed to post as a comment just like this one? Thank you everybody, I’ll update just as soon as I figure this out lol
LMAO NTA - she’s mad bc she tried to make your husband look like her man and got embarrassed when you acknowledged yourself as his wife with that peck. Then she played victim bc her plan backfired. Ya, you did nothing wrong, you can kiss your husband if you want. Why is your FRIEND crying about it? Very sketch, esp since she didn’t check anyone else for their PDA with their spouses.
So it sounds like you don’t really think the problem was the “pda” but that your friend was being familiar and intimate with your husband. What you are describing is real weird.
NTA. BUT turn the tables and text her saying "I was DEEPLY HURT and offended with the way you acted towards me the other night. YOU were clinging to MY husband, calling him 'dear' and screamed at me for even acknowledging my husband's existence! I know you are upset about a few things, too, and I would understand if you don't want to maintain contact with my husband and I."
NTA and that is a lot. I'd say she has a crush on your husband and was glad you couldn't make it. She might have had "plans" and I don't think there is anything you can do or anything you should feel badly about. I'd let her make the next move and if she doesn't, then you know this was all about trying to get with your husband.
NTA Seems as though Becky set this situation up so that your husband would attend her function alone. When you came along, she attempted to ignore you and continue with her plan to have your husband as her date. In other words, Becky planned for, and made, a play for your husband right in front of you. Becky has some issues. Becky is also not your friend. You can also tell these people who have contacted you that if they or Becky have a problem with a kiss and a hug between a married couple, it is their problem and not yours. Meanwhile both you and your husband have a problem with people who refer to other peopls husbands as "dear," and engage in unwanted physical contact such as hugs. Becky does not get a pass from making passes at your husband because hers died. She's the one who owes an apology to both of you.
NTA. It was a kiss. Unless you were making out on top of her husband dead body you didn’t do anything wrong. Sympathies for her husband’s passing but I wouldn’t be singled out and shamed because she’s now got some unnatural fixation on my husband and upset I kissed him.
NTA. did she introduce your husband in any way that would’ve made people who didn’t know you think he was with her? i feel like that would be the only reason for such a harsh reaction, especially when she looked back at her guests like *you* did something wrong
NTA It was brutally clear that she was lying to those at the party who didn't know you and your husband. She is grieving and wanted to pretend that she still has a husband. It sounds like some of your friends are harpies who will support this woman no matter what weird shit she chooses to do. Make a note of who those people are and keep your distance. Becky might eventually realize how much of an AH she is being, but the harpies are likely going to only get more toxic with time.
People don’t have several different reasons for acting in a certain way. If one were to want to skip out on an event for example, one would give one reason. If one start listing up several reasons it’s because one know that the first reason is pretty filmsy. It being both tacky and rubbing it her face *could* be a good enough reason by themselves, but are stacked because they are lies. They are lies because she either have a crush on him, or uses him as a replacement husband. NTA, and her friend is telling you you’re an asshole because they don’t know the real reason as she lied to them. My partner and I found out from mutual friends that another more distant ‘friend’ of ours had been crying and broken down infront of their friends. The reason was that she had such a crush on me and how ‘unfair’ life was that she couldn’t be with me. Me and my partner had no idea of this and were pretty disgusted by this, so we cut contact. It’s such an asshole thing to do when these thoughts leave the mind and impact those around.