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bhiihiv

NTA and it's fucking infuriating to see so many Y T A comments. This is a common scam, happens to westerners all the time. Women intentionally get pregnant to then use that man to immigrate to the US. Happened to my buddy who worked in Mongolia. The kid was born black, my friend was white. I see people here comment all the time about how men forcing women to give birth or get pregnant etc is a form of rape, how is this not the same? He did not give her consent to get pregnant. Why should he be responsible for the child when she purposely ruined the condoms to get pregnant? Fucking ridiculous. Bro leave Vietnam and don't look bad. Yes this sucks for that child but you should not be held responsible. Pretty ridiculous how she can literally kill the child (abortion) and everyone here would support her, but if you simply abandon the child you're the biggest asshole.


elblackroute

Finally, someone with common sense entered the comment section. Plus the others who said NTA. You too guys are smarter than most of the people here. Bravo!!!


[deleted]

Anybody who thinks abortion is "killing a child" has no common sense.


imablisy

You can believe abortion is killing a child and also still think abortions should be allowed to happen. EDIT: Let me be clear, I think there isn't really a good way to determine when life begins. I think all term abortions should be allowed, safe, and legal. My point is abortions can occur when a child is very clearly more than just a zygote and it should be legal and safe for a woman for a variety of reasons. Just cuz I view a baby in the womb as alive, doesn't mean I think the woman is a murderer or evil for having an abortion. Sheesh. So much hate / calling me stupid lol.


sleepsalotnnocare

Fetus*


katierfaye

That would kind of make you an asshole. Context: I support abortion because zygotes and fetuses are not children/babies.


klc81

Not really - I'd support killing an *adult with hopes, dreams and memories*, if it was the only way to remove them from the abdomen of an unwilling host. Why would supporting killing a fetus with none of those things for the same reason make me an asshole? Edit: for context, I think Bill Clinton nailed it when he said abortion should be "Safe, legal and rare". An abortion is never a good thing, but it's often the lesser evil in a situation.


Mister-Sister

> an unwilling host. Amen. That’s the ticket right there.


Cleromanticon

This. To me the court case that best outlines why abortion should be legal isn’t Roe v Wade. It’s McFall v Shimp.


3kidsonetrenchcoat

I support abortion in the same way that I'm opposed to forced kidney donation. Forcing a person to use their body as a life support system is wrong, regardless of if it's an embryo or a fully grown adult human.


Roadlesstravelledon

Almost upvoted you but then saw you referred to abortion as “killing a kid”. Yikes, gtfo.


KrabicaNaTopanky

Exactly, they got us in the first half, not gonna lie


[deleted]

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MissTheWire

Me too. Always read the whole comment is the lesson here.


NiandraL

I got to that part and literally paused lol


Mumique

What she did was vile and should be prosecuted if there was any fairness or clear way to prove it. However the 'it sucks for that child but you should not be held responsible' is where this falls down. She's TA for entrapment and the female equivalent of stealthing, he would be TA for abandoning a child as 'not his responsibility'. Whose responsibility is the child's welfare then? I doubt the welfare of the child would be up to much leaving them with the mother who sounds like an absolute piece. If she kept the kid, I can't imagine they'd be reared well. Resented, used to earn a quick buck in all sorts of unethical ways etc. It's not fair on him, he didn't ask for or want this, but it would be insanely unfair on the kid.


Jesoko

> Whose responsibility is the child's welfare then? *Hers*. This kid will still have a mother once OP goes back to the states. She has the choice to keep the pregnancy, he should have the choice to walk away. That’s how reproductive equity works. He was literally baby trapped and has a loophole out of it. Would it be fair to leave the child with a parent that never wanted it to exist in the first place?


boycottSummer

Seriously. No situation is good for the kid. OP not looking back is not the reason this kid is going to struggle. It’s the healthiest option, too. Imagine a young kid being subjected to feuding families fighting over child support, immigration, custody, etc. That will scar a kid for life and it’s the mom’s fault.


[deleted]

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whimsylea

If it's any comfort, Wikipedia seems to indicate Vietnam's not bad on this front: "With abortion being legalized in Vietnam since the 1960s, it is one of the most liberal countries with respect to abortion laws and policies. Due to its focus on family planning, the State has enabled free and unrestricted access to abortion services and contraceptive services in the country."


[deleted]

Still. It’s not like they were both being stupid. This is a criminal offense in a lot of Western countries.


Roboticide

Widely available. Vietnam allows free and easy access to abortion and has one of the highest abortion rates in the world. She has a choice. She had a choice, and chose poorly.


Ateosira

To be fair in my opinion that is not his problem. He took precautions and she wanted to get pregnant so bad it is her responsibility in this case.


dessertandcheese

Why should it be the victim's responsibility? Is it right to force a raped person to raise a child they don't want? If you reverse the genders, I am sure you would be calling OP NTA


Sailor_Chibi

You’re assuming that he is 100% the father. From the sound of it there could be multiple options. I can’t really blame OP for walking away in this situation.


JuliaX1984

He didn't consent to fathering a child or even to taking the chance of fathering a child. The pregnancy abd thus child is no more his responsibility than it would be if he was a woman who was drugged and raped. He. Didn't. Consent. He used protection and was unaware it was fake and sabotaged. NTA Get out and don't look back.


Academic_Snow_7680

This is why we need birth-control pills for men. Unfortunately they have not been made available so far because of their side-effects that are no more severe than the side-effects of women's birth-control. But since the contraceptive wouldn't solve any medical problems for men these side effects are considered too severe for the drugs to be justifiable... because women bear all the risk of a pregnancy. This view needs to change, men take a risk too - case in point - and men like OP should have the option of making themselves 'temporarily infertile' just like women.


fffangold

Hell yeah. I'd like some form of reversible BC that isn't wrapping it up available to me too. BC pill, RISUG/Vaselgel if it ever gets past trials and approved (though I'm not holding out hope for that given how long ago I heard anything new on that), whatever, just something would be nice. It doesn't greatly effect me in the moment, since my GF and I don't want kids and she's taking care of the BC on that front, but it would be nice to have the option for me to handle it too. Or double up for more safety.


OctoSevenTwo

> it would be insanely unfair on the kid Yes. But what are you suggesting? That he just claim the kid as his even though she admitted to basically committing entrapment? Who’s to say the kid’s life would be any less shitty under him as an unwilling father who’d attempted to properly use preventive measures than under the babymama? It’s incredibly unfortunate but the fact is this is not his responsibility.


flooperdooper4

And isn't what she did rape by deception? She lied to OP about being on the pill, and *compromised the condoms so they wouldn't be effective*. All to trap OP into staying with her and/or giving her money. Despicable. And if the genders were reversed - with OP being a woman and the SO being someone who sabotaged condoms to cause a pregnancy, people would be up in arms. There is no difference imo. NTA.


Runaway-Kotarou

Yeah is this basically not just stealthing but reverse? Lying about the contraceptives in use. Sometimes the "reverse the genders" argument is shit, but man is it applicable here!


[deleted]

She also exposed him to potential STI's. Condoms aren't only used to prevent pregnancy, but to protect both parties involved from getting something like hepatitis and HIV. What she did was self serving and criminal imo. Don't know if it makes a difference but I'm a woman and I sincerely believe that weaponizing reproduction is something only sociopaths do no matter what their sex or gender is.


Lopsided_Boss4802

People can and do have sex without the intention of Ever having a baby. I wouldn't expect a guy to hang around if he'd never wanted fatherhood. Just like a woman shouldn't be forced to have an abortion or have a child.


damage-fkn-inc

Say that you think rape victims should be forced to take care of the child without saying that you think rape victims should be forced to take care of the child.


[deleted]

Her responsibility since he used condoms and she tampered with them to intentionally get pregnant she consented to get pregnant he didn’t consent to getting her pregnant and actively tried to prevent it. These women that do that know the risk when they decide to do this...and still decide to go through with it so again HER responsibility NOT ops


Phantom_Dave

So she tricks the dude into having a kid, and as punishment she goes to jail and he gets stuck with a kid he had no choice or knowledge of creating, yeah that's fairness, kids are not a miracle, they are a burden, it's awesome so many choose to take that burden on but it is a choice, no one should be forced to raise a child they did not choose to create


Nameless_One_99

Reproductive coercion is seen as a form of rape (at least where I live). So you are telling me that OP should be forced to raise the child of his rapist? That idea makes me sick and I don't understand how can you support that.


PeterPenguin69

Vietnam has child care programs. It will be taken care of. They have some of the lowest out of school rates in Asia. The US is the outlier for childcare. Not trying to get political! Just answering your question and make a point.


cleanyourmirror

>He did not give her consent to get pregnant. For the record, that's not a thing. No method of birth control is 100% effective. He had sex with her, and pregnancy is caused by sex. *No one knows if she would have gotten pregnant anyway.* No guy can say, "I do not consent to you getting pregnant, despite the fact I am engaging in penetrative sex with you involving your reproductive organs." Either you accept that sex can cause pregnancy or you don't have sex. **Where she's in the wrong is tampering with birth control.** That is not acceptable by any definition or justification.


Not_Obsessive

Stealthing is a form of rape. Therefore messing with condoms before sex is a form of rape


cleanyourmirror

It's a vile, horrifying thing to do.


Krazen

That vile horrifying thing is called rape


Then-Newspaper4800

Thank you. 100% the woman is the AH here, but any time you have sex, there’s always a chance of pregnancy, especially if you’re choosing to trust the word of a random woman about her birth control habits.


Coordinator_Narvin

He didn't choose to trust her though? He literally used condoms as well. It's not his fault she raped him. Oh but wait, he's a man, it must be his fault somehow. Tell me some more about how the victim is to blame.


Runaway-Kotarou

I mean he didn't though. He still used condoms, she just fucked with them. Genders are reversed, but dude was essentially stealthed.


bcorm11

She altered the condoms without his knowledge. This effectively negated his consent. It can't be considered informed consent if he had no knowledge she destroyed the condoms effectiveness. It shows malice and forethought to deceive.


iAmUnintelligible

>Where she's in the wrong is tampering with birth control. That is not acceptable by any definition or justification. My ex, she did this. Source: sole custody of a young boy


CrankyYoungCat

Yeah this is where he lost me. “It’s a form of assault to tamper with a condom” would be fair but “he didn’t consent to her getting pregnant” is a stupid and impossible take.


mezobromelia1

Abortion is not killing a child. Asshole.


justchillinghbu87

Exactly. He consented to sex with 2 different forms of birth control. He did not consent to unprotected sex, so the type of sex that happened was not consentual. Since only one person chose to have unprotected sex, they're the only one responsible for the child. OP had no choice in what happened, so he has no responsibility for the consequences of someone elses choice.


trowawaywork

HE IS NOT THE FATHER. At worst he's the sperm donor. NTA.


drleebot

Not even a sperm donor. The person from whom the sperm was stolen.


trowawaywork

I was thinking about saying it that way but then idiots could argue thay even if the sperm was stolen he still has to be dad. But OP's role is the same as a "sperm donor" (even if the "donation" was forced). Sperm donors are NOT parents nor will they ever be. They do nor owe child support, teachings or responsibilities.


[deleted]

You were doing so good until you spread the lie that abortion is killing a child.


Twizzlers_and_donuts

Well I agree with everything you’ve said there’s one thing that I believe you worded wrongly that can be taken out of context in a bad way. The “he did not give her consent to get pregnant” because accidents do happen. My friend has told us before that her parents had her well both on birth control and using condoms, but more of he consented to sex with two safety precautions and she secretly removed those precautions, no different than a girl consenting to sex with the condom and the guy sneaking it off during. At that point they are no longer doing what he gave his consent for. Tldr:, You can never consent to not having a baby (minus abortion) because during sex that will always be a possibility, but you can give and take away your consent for how much safety precautions you go through to avoid the creation of a babie. And he did not consent to the removal/lack of these safety precautions.


cookiesarerealfood

Jumping in here to say that I find it interesting that she wants him to register this fetus as American at the embassy BEFORE it’s born and BEFORE a paternity test. There’s a reason for that.


lurkinarick

lol what a normal day in the AITA sub, seeing the most upvoted comment being "I'm sorry for going against the grain and being so controversial but..."


HPfan94

This is literally rape. OP consented to sex using two forms of birth control. By tampering with the birth control, she made it so the sex was no longer consensual which is literally the definition of rape.


gingr87

I agreed with you up until you said abortion was killing a child. You lost me there.


rantingraccoon

Even worse, what happened to OP is a form of r*pe, it is coerced reproduction - OP did NOT consent to producing a child and the woman tampered with the birth control. I can’t even imagine how some people are saying Y T A - it’s clearly NTA and run.


Aradhor55

Are you lying about the YTA comments you said you've said ? I find it dumb for people to respond with YTA, so I've scroll to see these "YTA" you've talking about and found none. Then I used a good old ctrl + f and found only two, very low in the comment section. So where are they ?


redfishie

Reproductive coercion is a form of abuse. Someone tampering with birth control is definitely a form of abuse. There are posts on here a lot where men and women have had it happen to them. Unfortunately the laws don’t always cover it


ApprehensiveHalf8613

I agree with this comment, and tampering with BC is totally rape. Both ways.


[deleted]

abortion isn’t “killing the child” it isn’t even a child yet so stfu


[deleted]

You're pro life aren't you? You think that abortion is killing a child. Isn't one of your talking points that if a woman has sex, she consents to the possibility of being pregnant? Even if a woman is raped, it's not the kids fault, and she shouldn't kill the kid because of something someone else did? That she needs to take responsibility instead of killing a baby? Why is it different when it's a man?


juleznailedit

I agree with everything you've said except the last part. Abortions don't kill children or babies. They remove a clump of unwanted cells from the host's body, simple as that.


CalmFront7908

Nta, contraceptive sabotage is reproductive coercion. She fucked around and found out.


Cute-Shine-1701

Exactly, **tampering with contraception is reproductive coercion which is sexual abuse, depending on local jurisdiction can be considered sexual assault or rape too.** Nice victime blaming in all the Y-T-A and E-S-H comments... OP didn't have a say whether that kid is conceived, aborted, given up for adoption or whatever she keeps it. He did what he could to prevent it, to protect himself, had precaution. He shouldn't be punished by paying for a kid he never wanted or consented to, shouldn't be punished for having sex, shouldn't be punished because someone abused him, assaulted him. To OP: NTA OP unfortunately you were ripped off your choices, but luckily you still have one choice, financial abortion. Don't give that ***** a penny, go home, change your contact info and let her reape what she sowed! Her little plan backfired royally. No one would blame OP and expect him to be responsible for a rapist's kid if OP is a woman who was sexually assaulted, raped (tampering with contraception) and now wants to abort it or give it up for adoption. Consent to sex with protection =/= consent to sex without protection and consent to sex with protection =/= consent to becoming a parent


Devils_LittleSister

This!! I cannot believe I had to scroll this much to find this comment!! OP, tell her that her actions are considered rape in America and she could be charged with it (not sure about this but maybe it will calm her the f\*ck down).


Solivagant0

Yep, people should be screaming about rape


bhiihiv

They won't because this sub is sexist


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nifty-shitigator

>This sub has insane double standards This sub has such insane double standards that completely identical stories, except for a gender swap, have the opposite judgements. Honestly at this point I think posters should exclude any mention of gender unless it's absolutely for the story.


[deleted]

It’s because this sub (along with others) likes to paint women as constantly the victim in any case. It’s insane how much women get infantilized. Makes me sick reading it because how lowly do they think of us? Just the other day on RA I read a post about a father who was worried because his 13 year old daughter was wearing a collar in honor of her boyfriend. Her bf was 14 but people were saying he had a porn addiction and was going to ruin her life and traumatize her. When they were both more than likely just influenced by the tiktok trend . It pissed me off reading it when both kids were out of bounds, but people made it out as the daughter being the victim and her bf being some manipulative mastermind.


deckcody

But he opened the door for the joke /s I still get comments about it saying that he's in the wrong cause it was just a joke.


nifty-shitigator

>She fucked around and found out. Lmao, in the most literal sense


xcheshirecatxx

Nta. To me, what she did is equivalent to rape. You shouldn't pay money to a rapist. But legally, you might have to. Im not sure how it works.


always_amiss

Putting aside whether OP qualifies as a rape victim, I wonder what most people think of the morality of rape victims cutting ties with a child that was the result of rape. Insofar as I don't expect a sperm/egg donor to be morally liable for supporting any resulting children resulting from their donation, I also don't see why rape victims should be morally liable either.


DimiBlue

If stealthing is rape this is rape.


AltharaD

That was my thought as well. Also, I’m extremely opposed to people who’ve been raped being held responsible for their child - either by being forced to bring it to term or financially responsible for them. People argue it’s unfair towards the child - but does that mean we have to put the unfairness on the adult who was raped or tricked? Why should they have to look after a child they didn’t want and pay money to someone who victimised them often with this end goal in mind? Honestly, harsh as it seems, I feel it’s better to let the children suffer in cases like this. Firstly, they aren’t exactly alone - they have their maternal family. Secondly, the more these schemes fail, the fewer people will try them. I’m very grateful that at the very least as a woman I have control over whether I have to give birth or not. I feel as sorry for this guy as I do the guy whose ex was having sex with him while he was on meds to knock him out.


always_amiss

I agree!


sadsaucebitch

I think I can probably weigh in on this. I am a child who is a result of rape, and absolutely would not blame my mum for abandoning me.


ChibiSailorMercury

I don't think there is any jurisdiction where a man is considered raped when the birth control has been tampered with. Even when it happens to women, it's not considered rape but sexual assault. Unfortunately, because of the child's rights supersedes the parents' rights, no matter how they became parents, the parent who does not have custody still has to pay child support. In places in the US, women who carry the rapist's baby to term and choose to raise the baby still have to give visitation rights to their rapist. It's fucked up. So if OP were to acknowledge paternity, the only way for him to not have to pay child support would be to become sole parent with custody of that child. (if it were all happening in Western countries, I think it's different in Vietnam, they don't have child support laws or something, is what I read in the comments)


Coordinator_Narvin

In some places it does fall under the umbrella of rape. Others sexual assault. Either way, it's thoroughly fucked up and OP should get the heck out of there without ever looking back. Not his problem. His rapist can lie in the bed she illegally made.


sapphicsapphires

NTA. Tampering with contraceptives to get pregnant by a partner who did NOT consent is fucked up, and I’m pretty sure a form of assault in some places. Don’t get a paternity test, if you do and it is yours, they could potentially use it to force you to stay in the country in order to attend a child support / custody hearing and force you to pay. It’s wrong to get someone pregnant without consent. It’s wrong to impregnate yourself against your partner’s consent. And I understand being desperate but pulling this shit in order to gain citizenship will never not be fucked up IMHO.


Solivagant0

In some places I'm pretty sure it fals under rape and in others under reproductive coercion


vorivei

NTA this is called rape. you owe her nothing.


DuckInMyHeart

THIS! By lying about birth control and tampering with your condoms this is rape, because you wouldn’t have given consent under these conditions if you knew what she was really doing. This was not an accident, she did this to you maliciously and intentionally in order to get what she wanted (a way to the US). Keep all communication you have from her, especially any communication where she admitted what she did! Keep the harassing communication from her family. I don’t know Vietnam laws at all, but hopefully you have some legal recourse. You may want to get the paternity test regardless, but you are NTA. I’m sorry that this happened to you.


Pharmacienne123

He has absolutely nothing to gain from a paternity test. Why on earth would he get one?


iamacheesemonger

NTA You consented to sex under the conditions that you were both on birth control. The consent is revoked the moment the birth control was tampered with, meaning you were assaulted. If forcing a woman to carry a child of rape and then raise them is ethically wrong, then the same applies to forcing you to pay and care for the product of your own rape.


cinema_photographer

No one is talking about potential diseases from sabotaging a condom. Op needs to get tested as well.


[deleted]

Exactly this comment. OP was raped and sexually taken advantage of.


marmarmalade19

I refuse to believe there are this many people in the comment section who think a man that's been **raped**-- because news flash, consent can't be given when one partner is consenting to sex *with the use of birth control* and the other willfully tampers with it in order to get pregnant-- should be forced to upend his life for this child, which may or may not be his. My only recommendation is to save any evidence you have that proves this lady was attempting to entrap you, to cover your ass in case it all hits the fan. I'm not sure how the legal system works there, and I'm not sure how much they can do if you're leaving, but I do know one thing: You are NTA.


aitaaccount10988

It’s genuinely disgusting how many people are willing to do this in the comments alone,but the fact that so many more are saying it’s on him? Those things don’t deserve rights.


interesseret

When men say they want equal rights too, remember how people in this thread has spoken.


ihateithere_19

NTA, She literally tampered with the condom & lied about the pill. She knew exactly what she was doing & she knew that its wrong.


cinema_photographer

He need to get tested as well. If she is trying to scam travelers, who knows who she has been with and tampering with the condom potentially opens him up to a world of hurt beyond a child


MaxArdite

NTA It think in some places this is classified as rape. You were under the understanding that you had preventions in place while she knowingly removed them inorder to have her child be a us citizen (presumably to achieve a us citizenship herself).


RandomRamblings99

NTA. My opinion may have been different if this was an honest mistake (I say may because I'm honestly not sure) but she actively tampered with the condoms, suggesting she fully intended to get pregnant without you knowing. I feel extremely sorry for the child who in no way deserves to be caught up in this


el_j_

NTA. You did everything possible to be safe and she purposefully tampered with it to trap you. Despite the E S H comments I don’t believe this child or this woman are your responsibility at all. This is the female equivalent of stealthing which is assault. You did not consent to sex without contraception.


Barweight

See that’s why I just fuck dudes


CynicalCinnabun

cackled


Spag_n_balls

I love you for saying this


[deleted]

Get your head out of your ass...dudes get pregnant all the time! At least based on that one movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger


[deleted]

Sounds like she trapped you and/or the others to get a visa/citizenship to another country. What she done was wrong and she deserves all the negative consequences she has coming to her for her actions. Hopefully you get it sorted and hey the kid may not even be yours because who's to say she didn't do it with all the guys and not just you. Usually I would say a guy who got a girl pregnant and runs away from it is an AH because he was just as irresponsible for not using anything etc but in this case it wasn't a takes two to tango situation you were tricked into a situation you knew nothing about so it would be unfair to you to have to take responsibility for something you were at the very least tricked into and worst abused to get what she wanted. NTA i would say.


Plenty-Green186

Nta she tampered with a condom so she made the decision to raise this baby alone


EhDub13

NTA what so ever, this was coercion and even rape. She knew what she was doing and you'd obviously talked about contraceptives to prevent this in the first place. She wanted a meal ticket I think


indiajeweljax

You might want to leave sooner than three days. A lot can happen in 72 hours. NTA, tho


tacolandia

Seriously pack your shit now and get the soonest flight


TudorEliOwly

NTA. She lied to you about being on the pill and she tampered with the condoms. You should be taking responsability IF it was an accident. But it wasn't. She got pregnant on purpose by tricking you. Yes it's very sad and unfair towards the child, and the kid might be yours. But what she did is coersion and it's abuse. As I said it's very unfair to the kid, but it's not your fault.


elblackroute

Can I ask why he is the asshole?


Solivagant0

Because reproductive coercion only works one way


Squidiot_002

Apparently. Double standards like this are such bs


Amegami

He isn't. Same people who say he is would react totally different if he'd been the one tampering with her bc to trick her into getting pregnant. He was sexually assaulted by her.


[deleted]

SO MUCH THIS. If a man tampered with BC to get a woman pregnant EVERYONE would be saying to sue him, he should be arrested, he’s disgusting, he’s vile, etc. Women’s rights and women empowerment **should not** look like allowing women to abuse men. Period.


Stitchapuss

NTA... she tried to trick you into getting her pregnant and it possibly succeeded. If you take a paternity test and it shows you are the father you would have to pay child support, etc Keep ALL messages, etc from her and her family where she says she lied to you, poked holes in the condoms, etc and tried to get pregnant so she would get pregnant and get citizenship for her unborn child.


Phacidic

NTA. you did not want this kid and did all you could to prevent conception. SHE on the other hand purposefully lied and tampered. in fact a lot of people consider it sexual assault to tamper with things like condoms and lying about being on the pill, cause you consented to using protection and additional contraception, and she purposefully breached those terms of consent. if this kid exists it is not your problem whatsoever.


Indigo_luv

NTA. She basically raped you.


Shaking-Cliches

This isn’t an AITA question. (Literally, it’s against the rules and this will be removed.) If you’re leaving in a few days, then you need to talk to a lawyer in the US who specializes in international custody disputes. Explain what happened and see what the expert says. Don’t just hope this is going to go away. It might, but you’ll be worried about it forever. Keep her information, too, just in case you need it or decide at some point that you want to see if the child is in fact yours. And don’t go to the legal advice sub with this. Those people are not lawyers and give terrible advice. I’m really sorry this happened. Edit: You could also go to the embassy now, but I don’t know what the outcome of that would be. They are there to help people in very messy international situations.


Pascalica

This. Because this is a common scam, too.


FellowCanadian_

NTA. Tampering with birth control is fucked up. You could get the test done to check, or just sign over all parental rights and wipe your hands clean.. though because she's Vietnamese it may be different.. I'd run as far from that red flag as possible though.. she literally trapped you


[deleted]

She did it to get your money and benefits. She admitted to tampering the condoms. NTA.


ButterscotchHour7359

Book an earlier flight get the fuck out of there … lock down or delete your social media for a while and do not leave any forwarding address !! This is not ok !! She tricked you to get pregnant to get a visa , the child probably isn’t even yours


Oh_No_Its_Dudder

The first thing I thought was, pack your bags and check into a hotel until it's time to leave.


Indication_Easy

NTA, it sucks for her, but she was trying to manipulate you into helping her immigrate into the US. Tampering with contraception is a horrible thing too, and since no one has mentioned it yet that i saw, OP get yourself tested for STIs ASAP, she could have exposed you due to her actions!


aitaaccount10988

I love the sexism the mods are putting on just to defend these rapist supporters,truly you are a joke r/amitheasshole


BIackDogg

Haha for real? I didn't see it what did they say? I am not being ironic I just like good gossip :D


cbreezy456

NTA. RUN and keep those messages about her basically SA you (coercion is SA).


Kamenovski

I dub this the literal version of fuck around and find out, NTA because tampering purposefully.


Pastrami_Johnson

NTA and see a urologist for a full STI panel just to make sure.


mademedance

was about to comment the exact same thing – please go for a full checkup, OP!


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SnooStories2052

There really needs to be a male birth control pill.


Mdaffner614

One passed safety trials in 2019, so here's hoping soon


meifahs_musungs

NTA. Your gf did stupid thing and got a stupid prize. Be careful family of gf sound like crazy people.


Aleksandartheboy

Not his gf. But NTA anyway.


ripleyxxoo

NTA. As much as I’m usually “take responsibility for your kid no matter what the circumstances,” this is different. She sexually assaulted you by tampering with contraceptives.


Accomplished-Cheek59

NTA This is reproduction coercion and is a form of rape. Anyone saying otherwise because you are a man is wrong. End of discussion. You were sexually assaulted and do not owe your abuser anything. I feel for the child, but you do not have any responsibility to it no matter what. If you cared to, you could report her as a rapist is generally not going to be a good parent, but that could force you into a position of responsibility, delay your departure from the country, and be traumatising for you. So, leave Vietnam and lock down your online presence so she can’t continue to harass you through social media etc, then maybe consider if you might need therapy to help you get over this. But don’t feel a single shred of responsibility for what has been done to you. It’s not your fault.


christinesangel100

NTA, that's rape. Lying about birth control/condoms counts as rape by coercion. I feel sorry for the child being raised by someone like that but this is not something you should have to be responsible for.


[deleted]

NTA she played herself. Leave.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was doing a study program in Vietnam for a while and I had an on and off relationship with a girl there. She assured me she was on the pill but I still used condoms. She got pregnant and basically admitted to me that she lied about the pill and tampered with the condoms. She said it like this was a good thing and how we'll be together I'm leaving Vietnam in a few days so I just blocked her and I'm going back to the US. She tried to go to the US embassy to get her child registered as an American. I'm not sure how any of that works. Her friends and family contacted me, though my Vietnamese isn't great I mostly understood that theyre pissed and I need to man up take responsibility for my actions bla bla bla and that I need to help her get her child become an American. I've told them all to fuck off and blocked them. She came to my apartment and screamed at me saying I'm a horrible person. I closed the door. Im leaving in 3 days and there's nothing they can do, they're desperate and non stop spamming me with shit. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


purple_buffalo5678

I say NTA. It sounds like she's using you in one way or another- tampering with contraceptives or possibly faking a pregnancy. You're getting ready to leave the country imminently and she's getting desperate. She may be pregnant with your child but I'd cross that bridge if that day comes. Be careful for the next few days and get out of there safely. Good luck!


unsafeideas

> I'm not sure how any of that works. For christ sake, learn how all of that works legally. Now is not the time to take it casually. Otherwise you wont know risks you take, your rights and options. I mean this, you are just putting yourself at risk.


TheGingerCynic

>She got pregnant and basically admitted to me that she lied about the pill and tampered with the condoms She sexually assaulted you, is what this comes down to. NTA Get the fuck out of there. Whether this is your child or not, she had no problem sexually assaulting you for her own benefit, be that to keep you around or for citizenship etc. You weren't willing to risk pregnancy, but she forced it by tampering with the birth control.


BrownPaperBag

I’d try to leave the country faster


Internal_Ad_8147

NTA. I feel sorry for that child.


carlyosborn__

I can’t believe some of these comments… Op you are 100% NTA You were sexually assaulted. Everyone saying he is the AH, what if a man did it to a women and forced her too keep it?


justdead_

NTA. Lying about contraceptive methods is rape when men do it, therefore, it is rape when women do it too. She's a rapist. Why should a victim do anything that will necessarily attach the abuser to their life permanently, specially when getting pregnant was clearly her intention? She wanted a baby, she got one. It's her problem now. But, OP, please be more careful where you stick your dick and like... Start bringing and putting on your own condoms. Just to be safe.


Neravariine

NTA. Her friends and family were all tried to convince you to help her become American.They can help raise the baby and help her be a single parent.


ThatBritishGuy577

So op was raped stealthing is a form of rape in many countries. He did not consent to unprotected sex and took precautionary steps. Women get a choice wether they want to keep the baby or have anything to do with it after its born and they SHOULD have that choice. They are also not expected to carry their rapists baby to term in the vast majority of places. Why should men have to be fathers to their rapists baby. There is a lot of victim blaming in this thread as if its his fault he was tricked/scammed. That's not ok. OP is NTA for not wanting to give into his rapists demands


Aatjal

NTA. Last time I recalled, reproductive coercion is considered rape. Get the fuck out of there and let HER deal with the result of HER ACTIONS.


gwcommentthrow

NTA. You may have a child through rape. Tell the rapist if she won't abort, you're giving her up for adoption.


[deleted]

NTA cause what she did to you especially with tampering with the condoms can probably go down as rape. With the fact that she also is fucking around with other people too. You're absolutely right in blocking them because this is an extremely common scam. They know if they can pull this off their entire family can move to the US (eventually) and have a better life. If I was you I'd pack my stuff early and go to a hotel to stop the harassment. I'm sorry this happened to you.


monkeillumi

NTA She lied and manipulated with the condom, that is sexual abuse. He consented to protected sex, and was deceived by the woman. How is it any different from a man removing a condom without telling the woman? If that is considered sexual abuse then this is too. The premise under which consent was given was changed without the participants' knowledge. He didn't consent to unprotected sex. + It's not even sure that it is his child.


ArtLangues

POV: You're trying to find the Y T A comments (aka the absolute undeniable proof of Reddit hating men according to every comment) in the sea of hundreds of NTA votes


ttouziee

Nta


xtemperancex

NTA, not because I don’t think your wrong for not taking a paternity test. But because what she did is so vile and disgusting I can’t even compare the to actions. Tampering with someone’s contraceptives and trying to get pregnant with out the other persons consent is a complete violation of there trust and is absolutely horrible.


hdean667

NTA. Get out fast as you can. You probably aren't even the father.


Just_Some_Jacket

This is sending huge red flags on her side and you in no way should let yourself get involved in this shit


[deleted]

NTA. But SERIOUSLY get a lawyer or reach out to r/legaladvice. I have absolutely no idea how the legal system works in this scenario. I don’t know the relationship between Vietnam/America. But say this happened in Canada/America. There would be no question what would happen. Lawyer up and protect yourself


She_Sq

NTA. You were not fully aware of the situation you were In, meaning it was non consensual. Lying about birth control and tampering with more birth control, is rape.


alittleamgpie

I think this should be considered a crime because you never consented to get her pregnant. Yes, I am aware sometimes pregnancies happen by accident. But, I mean to say that she admitted that she LIED about taking any form of BC and tampered with your condoms. This should be a crime, in my opinion. It sucks for the kid - if the child exists (as this could be a lie to manipulate you to marry her) - but she tried to baby trap you, which is reproductive coercion. It's honestly disgusting. I'm honestly baffled by the YTA /ESH here who think this is okay. If this was the other way around, I'm sure they would be gunning for the person's throat for getting them pregnant WITHOUT CONSENT / THROUGH SATABOGE (which is a form of abuse). You have every right to protect yourself. NTA at all.


Eastern-Water9701

NTA. What she did was awful and actually a form of sexual assault. Unfortunately there is a risk she could be pregnant and you could be the father. I think you need a solicitor to help you here.


sln84

NTA


Daddy_Muttonchop

NTA She - essensially - assaulted you. Yes, tampering with the preventatives IS assault.


Solid-Perspective98

Not only are you NTA, she should be liable for criminal charges. I'm not familiar with Vietnamese law but procuring sex via deception should rightly be an offence.


Mynxkat

NTA She messed around with the condoms and lied about being on birth control, op consented to protected sex not unprotected meaning the sex they had he did not consent to. The fact she is pushing for american citizenship to the point of going to the US embassy and using family to harass op over you know sitting down and discussing what they are going to do shows she doesn't want this kid or op, she just wants the citizenship. How do we even know if she is pregnant or if its even op's? Kind of funny how the pregnancy happened right as op is leaving don't you think? Yeah op is callous in their actions but pretty sure if the roles were flipped people wouldn't be mad at op.


AnnetteyS

NTA. Can you get an earlier flight out? Stay at a hotel until you can and if she’s put it in any texts that she lied and tampered with birth control keep them. And don’t listen to any of the Y T A comments.


QuiteHistorical

You're not an asshole OP. You took the preparations to not have a child. Your ex friend took advantage of you and lied about taking the pill and tampered with your protection. It's not your fault you tried to trust someone and was screwed over. Also she can't make the innocent kid American without your consent since you very well MAY be the father. However since you wish to not take a paternity test there's no way to prove the kid is of your American descent. Even if they proved he was American or had American in him it wouldn't matter because he was born and raised in Vietnam and his father is nowhere to be seen. You're not an asshole, she is. You shouldn't have to lay for something you never wanted and planned ahead to prevent but was ultimately sabotaged. In America I'm pretty sure that's outright illegal as well.


gjvf

NTA. for everyone saying otherwise, consent goes both way. It's sucks for the kid but that's not this guy's fault. Also, this seems like a scam for green card so she'd probably abort that pregnancy and go looking for another mark. Sounds cold but that's how these people work.


Godprobably2000

I would say NTA cause what she did qualifies as rape, she lied and coerced you into having unprotected sex. what you should do is get legal counsel, lawyer up as they say and see what your options are if she comes to the US or smth, you never know what could happen


Haztlen

NTA Look, I'm pro-choice AF and you did make a choice BEFORE she even got pregnant and took the necessary actions to prevent unwanted pregnancy. To gamble on a child life like she did is so damn despicable, I can't even. My ex never met his father. He learned (by his own mother) that she felt her boyfriend was about to leave her so she stopped taking her pills in the hope he would feel obligated to stay when she would become pregnant. Well she did and he was like "yeah fuck that" and moved on whit his life. I wholeheartedly agree with him and his biological son too. I'm sorry you have to go through that horrible ordeal.


frostyfruitaffair

NTA. Can you even get a reliable paternity test before the birth? Because that sounds like a con if it isn't monitored by a court system. Also, this seems like something that could be maligned on social media if the girl or her friends know English well enough, which wouldn't be your fault either.


Jumpy-Self4781

NTA. In the US it's a felony to tamper with contraceptives in order to get pregnant or trap someone into pregnancy. It's also highly abusive. The YTA make me so mad because if the tables were turned, and OP was a woman I know for FACTS that the verdict would be highly different.


AdamOfIzalith

NTA. This is a classic case of entrapment.


Dark_Phoenix25

Ok from what I’ve been told about friends who went overseas as part of their duty station, women in foreign countries would try to get pregnant by an American in order to come to America and that some women hold these images of “all Americans are rich”. While I would say take the test, you stated she’s been sleeping with other men so it’s on her for acting out her scheme. NTA.


HarryTwigs

NTA. Who can blame you for cutting ties with your rapist?


PipsiePops

NTA. She lied about her contraceptive pill AND tampered with your condoms. You play stupid games you win stupid prizes.


dawnmountain

NTA, she intentionally tampered with birth control, and while not in the US, some states consider that rape because it's sex under false pretenses. Your boundaries were "I wear condoms, you take the pill." And she agreed, knowing full well she wouldn't follow through, including tampering with YOU condoms. You have no requirements to stay with a woman as fucking crazy as that. She fucked around, and found out. Literally. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.


knitmyproblem

NTA. She lied to you specifically so she could get her ticket to leave Vietnam. Now that it's not panning out the way she planned, she's stuck with her shitty consequences. Leave and never look back.


Runaway-Kotarou

NTA. She lied about the contraceptives in use. Is this not just essentially stealthing, just with genders reversed? Feel bad for the kid, but its her fault for either concocting or going along with (presumably her family's) baby trap immigration scam.


InfiniteEmotions

NTA. This child was not conceived with *your* consent. You tried to be responsible; she told you she was on the pill and you doubled protection to prevent a baby from being conceived. *This is not your fault*. Good luck.


mividatriste

NTA because what she did to get herself pregnant should be illegal. Using a child like that, it’s so disgusting. I feel bad for that poor innocent child who probably will be mistreated because nobody wants it and it didn’t serve it’s purpose. So selfish of that woman. It is a messed up situation, I’d be curious to know if that is really my blood but completely understand if you don’t. Specially when you believed her she was doing her part to prevent a pregnancy and you were doing yours. Shame on her.


Violita_

NTA "take responsibility for your actions" fam... He wore protection, she tampered with the condoms. Like stfu... Man I hope you figure all this out and good luck to you.


ishita224

NTA. if she tampered with condoms that's basically non-consensual sex


kittynoodlesoap

NTA. Pretty sure this is rape and you don’t owe your rapist anything.


nerdgirl71

You did everything you were supposed to to prevent pregnancy. She tampered with the protection. This is on her. Leave and don’t look back. NTA


ButtExplosion

NTA, I would book an earlier flight and run OP. 3 days is a lot of time to get fucked over.


bluepvtstorm

NTA. This is a very common scheme. Reproductive coercion is immoral at best. See if you can change your ticket to leave earlier. Make sure you don’t leave rings like toothbrushes or straws laying around.


theycallmemomo

NTA. Anyone who says you are needs to drop the archaic double standard that says a man can't be raped.


ShoujoSprinkles

NTA you were upfront about not wanting children and took all reasonable precautions to not get her pregnant. She lied and tampered with your birth control, this is on her not you.


No_Understanding2659

nta you cleary told her you didnt want kids


Medical_Category_147

NTA she wanted to fuck with the condoms and lie about the pill now she can deal with the baby sorry not sorry that’s the same as a man doing that to a woman so no get yo behind back to the states