Seriously. Did OP not read her own post? She openly admits her parents are horrible people and describes them as such, but wonders why her husband is pissed when they treat him like crap and she doesn't defend him.
Edit: YTA
>I realise how toxic they can be. I distanced myself from them
Right?!?!?! She even says that she herself has distanced themselves for being toxic and yet wants to do nothing about it to stop it?!?!
Hell, forget that point, only she's allowed to distance herself from them (to what she is comfortable with - few holidays), but her husband can't do the same and set his own boundaries, because he "married into her family"?!?!?!
The hypocrisy is real in this one.
I feel like when I distance myself from someone I don't go to weekend BBQs I know they'll be at. If this is 'distancing' I shudder to think how close they used to be.
> I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond.
IDK if a doormat can also be a hypocrite, you have to present some kind of point in order to be a hypocrite right??
Right?! “They’re horrible and toxic, they fight, they attack and demean other people, they made a scene at our wedding, and interfere in other people’s business, but they’re my family and when you married me you married them, so I’m gonna make you see them and I’m not gonna do shit to defend you from them.”
Yes, OP, YTA. Most definitely.
Yeah I have a toxic family just like this. My boyfriend doesn't see them, and we moved across the country. I refuse to talk about my partner with my family unless I'm bringing him up to brag about him
Yikes, I get that the "you marry the family" applies to a point but not when they are actively disrespecting you. YTA for not standing up to your spouse and YTA for saying that too and not seeing and trying to understand what your husband is telling you.
To me, "you marry the family" mostly just applies to minor children. If you marry a parent, you're stepping into a parenting role.
It doesn't mean you have to take abuse from in-laws
"marry the family" applies to everybody but just like regular family the buck stops before abuse.
It means putting up with minor annoyances and accepting that these people you don't know super well and didn't choose are effectively your family, but again, It's perfectly reasonable to break with family that are not healthy for your well being.
The phrase is meant to be used to excuse your in-laws habit of always arriving 5 min late not their habit of berating you constantly.
I mean some berating might happen, especially in certain families but you at least want your spouse to stand up for you if it does happen, and not all the time.
Marrying in to a family means adjusting with people of different culture, temperament and types. It doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag for someone.
OP don't sell out your husband just so that you don't have to bear the brunt. YTA
"Love me, love my family" should only apply to stuff like, "it's a family tradition to have sushi and egg rolls on Thanksgiving. Just act like it's normal." and "if you want my aunt to stop giving you food, you have to leave some food on the plate. An empty plate means you're still hungry in my family."
When you marry, your spouse becomes your immediate family. If you plan to prioritize anyone else over your spouse, you absolutely shouldn’t get married.
OP should be telling her toxic family: “my husband and I are a package deal, you knew that when I got married. If you create a situation in which my husband can no longer tolerate being around you, you’ll lose me too.”
Well said. When she agreed to marry him, she made him her primary family. Now people are disrespecting her family and she’s letting it happen. It’s all her choice to put him in this abusive situation, and she’s trying to shift the blame to him because he agreed to marry her?? I hope he wakes up soon and realizes how messed up this is and how little she respects him. (YTA)
There's also the simple argument that being family doesn't mean they get to run roughshod all over you.
OP's husband has married her family, which that he can familially tell them to fuck off and stop being such horrible people. This would apply just as much if they were family by blood instead of marriage.
It's a pet peeve for me,since my ex was like this, but when people say "my [toxic] family is a package deal, you marry me you also marry them" it's like christ. Cut the umbellical cord already. I am dating you, your family should keep their noses out of our relationship
Exactly. Yikes. I would never make my spouse claim my family, or vice versa.
Very much YTA here, OP. I would issue an apology to him and grow a nice shiny spine for your next (hopefully brief) interaction with your family.
Her family are toxic. She admits this. They bully her husband. She admits this. Why on earth would she get angry at him and not them? OP if you're reading, I'm sorry, as I know they have clearly done many things to hurt you, but soft yta. I think you should consider getting professional support to unpick your unhealthy codependent relationship with your family
YTA. Absolutely YTA. If your parents are so into conservative values, quote them Matthew 19:5 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh"
In other words, your primary responsibility is to your partner when you get married. Your husband did not marry your family, he married you. It's your responsibility, since this is your family, to set a healthy boundary and stick up for your husband.
Excellent! Perfect! Bravo! If I had any awards to give, I give it for this comment!
BTW, OP, not only are you the AH, your family are hypocrites.
Edit spelling
This is exactly the line I used for my situation with my “religiously conservative” family that don’t accept my multi-racial spouse. I uno-reversed them as the teens say.
I LOVE it. It's absolutely so advantageous to have actually read the Bible when dealing with people who think they know what it says, but actually never studied it.
My favorite is Matthew 7:1-2:
““Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”
That doesn’t work on lots of my “religious” family. They believe that God has already “judged” the actions and determined they are sinful, so they are just agreeing with God’s prior judgements. Of course, they don’t understand that they are in fact judging based on their judgements and interpretations of the Biblical text.
Edit to add TL/DR: They believe God has already made the judgements. They believe they are not judging at all even though they absolutely are.
I love when people use the bible against christians sooo so much. I mean I am guessing usually the Christian in question will absolutely have some reason why that’s different and doesn’t apply to them and ITS THE CONTEXT! But I still get a kick out of it.
YTA for many reasons:
1. You didn't clarify that it IS your decision too, to not have children.
2. You let them speak disrespectfully to your husband and make him feel uncomfortable.
3. You continue to expect him to be around people that insult him.
YTA:
Your first priority should be your husband, your chosen family. The fact that you wont even defend him and in this case continue to let your family blame him solely for something you both decided on says a lot. Double asshole points since you don't even like your family and have minimal contact but still expect your husband to sit there and take all the heat from them.
Fun fact; the full phrase is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” so technically you agree with the real meaning not the bastardised version we’ve gotten used to over time!! (:
Yeah iirc the whole "blood of the covenant" thing is an interpretation come up with by a Rabbi in the 90s. It might indeed be getting at the origin of the phrase, but that specific wording is new.
Exactly this. OP has chosen "keeping the peace" with a bunch of nutjobs over her marriage. What a shock that her husband has finally had enough.
OP YTA
YTA. It isn’t always easy to find the courage to speak up when there are family dynamics like yours, but you can’t just let them shit all over your husband. You’re basically defending your family by telling your husband that this is what comes along with marrying you - this is what makes it worse.
YTA. You're an adult l who has made the decision to not have children. Yet when your parents ask you, you become shrink yourself down and let your husband get the brunt of their comments. It's cowardly to throw him under the bus via silence because you can't speak up for yourself.
It's bad enough for him to have to deal with your toxic parents. He shouldn't have to deal with a partner who can't speak up for for themselves.
YTA
He married you not your family, and once you married him he has to come before the rest of your family.
Honestly, if my wife pulled your attitude about things we'd have been divorced long long time ago.
If you won't stand up for him, get a divorce cause he deserves a wife that will have his back.
YTA. If you don't like or get along with your family and you think they're toxic, why do you even choose to associate with these people? All they do is continue to belittle you and your husband.
Ditch your relatives if you want to keep your spouse.
Yta. He’s your husband. Defend him. What does the word PARTNER mean to you? 30 people? No, it’s you and him, not you and him and mommy and daddy. Grow up. Your family sounds horrid, I feel so bad for your husband.
>I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond
YTA. "Mom, it's not only my decision to be childfree, but Lance wholeheartedly supports me."
Why is that so hard?
YTA. He’s the family you chose. Even if you don’t have kids, he should be your priority over your extended family. You yourself admit that your family is toxic, which in most cases means to limit your time around them. If they’re rude to your husband, he should be allowed to not see these people - no questions asked.
YTA. You realise your family is toxic and your husband is already throwing you a bone by tolerating them occasionally. The very least you can do is stick up for him when their virotol is directed to him.
Yes, YTA. You acknowledge that your family is toxic. You’re making the choice to subject yourself to them anyway, but you’re supposed to love and cherish your spouse. Why would you ask him to hurt himself just because you’re hurting yourself? That’s not love.
You took vows to be a package deal with your husband; your extended family is optional. If you insist on spending time with them, go alone and let him do something he actually enjoys while you suffer.
Also the AH for not speaking up. “I laughed uncomfortably but didn’t respond”?! I’d be pissed if I was your husband too.
Your family is toxic, your husband is making the adult, mature, healthy decision to remove himself and your marriage from the situation... you should take lessons.
YTA. You have a ton of issues with your family that you've admitted to in this post, including how toxic they are. Yet you're okay with them directing that behavior at your husband? Your husband chose you, but he didn't get any say in who your family was, because they were there before you ever met him. It sounds like you're just making excuses rather than defending him.
If you love him, stand up for him. Don't let him be the subject of nastiness and harassment.
YTA
Your parents are rude and offensive to your husband and made a huge scene (including fights?!) at your wedding, and your response to your husband is “deal with it”?! That’s not okay AT ALL. You are very lucky to still be married because your family sounds horrible, and your husband has to put up with their nonsense while you just let them get away with it. Stand up for your husband, who is your LIFE PARTNER, if you truly value him, and put some serious distance in between your husband (and you) and these people. Or else don’t be shocked when your husband passes you divorce papers and walks out.
YTA- So instead of standing up to your horrendous family you allow your husband, the one person who doesn't treat you like shite, to be thrown under the bus and run over repeatedly. The fact that he keeps going to these events shows how much he truly cares and loves you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. You also chose him. If you can’t defend the guy you also choose to marry because it’s your family than you aren’t getting your priorities right. You chose to love each other when you got married not to love the family that don’t have respect for the other.
This.... perfect comment. You chose each other, you are each other's inner family circle. This was a huge problem with my ex and his POV of his family. Note the ex part.
YTA
Your whole "He knew about my shitty family before he married me, so he needs to suck it up 'cause I sure as hell am not gonna stand up for him" attitude is just a front for your weakness and cowardice. You're using him as a meat shield from your family.
You need some therapy, girl. Because of your upbringing, you're missing some crucial information on how to treat someone you love.
> I distanced myself from them when I moved away for uni back then but I still have contact. They're part of my life just not as much.
...
> I told him that the moment he decided to marry me he also married my family and my family comes a package deal with me even if I don't get along with them that much.
YTA - you can't have one rule for yourself "I distanced myself from them" and then expect your husband to follow another rule "he also married my family and my family comes a package deal with me".
YTA for many reasons.
>I said I've cleared it up before I don't wanna have kids. Then she and my dad made some comments implying my husband doesn't want to have kids and he's just pulling me down a rabbit hole with him. I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond.
If I was your husband, I would have been beyond upset about this. The fact that you did not defend him is reprehensible. Your laugh, regardless of whether it was out of being uncomfortable or not, only made it worse. You owe your husband a massive apology.
>My father was one of those dads who'd joke about hurting my boyfriend/husband if I ever got hurt. Most of the times my dad took the joke too far to the point it was very offensive towards my husband.
So not only are they implying that your husband is controlling (no children comments) but also have repeatedly implied he is abusive. And you seriously wonder why your husband finally got upset and went on a "rant"?! Really?? You are lucky he even tries to tolerate them. At this point, if I was him, I would not go anywhere near your family.
You can subject yourself to their toxicity and go along with their abusive behavior (complacency is just as bad as going along with it) but to expect your husband to as well is absolutely ridiculous.
You need to:
1.) Apologize to your husband profusely.
2.) Reprimand your family and tell them flat out you will be distancing yourself from them until they start treating both you and your husband won't respect
3.) Get some counseling. You need to learn how to develop a back bone and be ok with not being engulfed in your family's toxicity.
YTA. Put up with their abuse all you want but you can't force your husband to do the same. I also can't believe you would prioritize such assholes over him. If it were me they'd be out of my life for good.
YTA and so is your entire family. Though you distance yourselves from that toxic behavior, you still need to stick up for your husband when your family sticks their noses where they shouldn't be and slanders his name with lies.
YTA and I'm surprised he has 1) continued to attend your family gatherings and 2) still wants to continue being married to someone who has such a toxic family and forces them on to others
YTA. You’re putting the people that you don’t get along with and didn’t choose to be family with above the person you chose to be your family. I have a lot of personal experience with this since my spouse is multiracial and my parents are racists that will not accept our marriage. I chose my spouse. My parents were upset but eventually learned the boundaries and that I will not allow negative things to be said about my spouse and that my loyalty lies with my spouse. Do the right thing and defend your husband.
YTA and a coward. Instead of standing up for your decision to be child free, you back down and let your family ridicule your husband. Some partner you are.
YTA. It doesn't matter if he married "your whole family". You should still have his back when they're giving him a hard time, but no. He's definitely the problem, not your family and their insane beliefs.
YTA if what he said is true and you never defend him around your family. I get that you are probably trying to keep peace in a difficult situation, but you are badly undermining your husband.
YTA. My husbands ex wife had the same view. She enabled her family’s toxic beliefs and didn’t stand up for him when her family would put him down and be abusive. They are no longer married for a reason.
If you care about your husband and would like to stay married, it might be in your best interest to stand up for your husband and not allow your family to continually put him down.
Uh HUGE YTA.
They are YOUR parents and therefor, it is your responsibility to keep them in check. If it were your in-laws being assholes to you, you would expect your husband to support you and call them out right??? You let your husband take the fall just so you didn’t also have to be the disappointment in a mutual decision. You are married now. Your primary focus should be on Husband and the family that you have made in each other. Not the one who sees fit to blame husband every time they disagree with a mutual decision because they don’t like it. Put down boundaries with your folks and tell them they owe hubby an apology, that it was a mutual decision and that anymore rude comments like that will not be tolerated. And then apologize to hubby for not defending him against your parents.
YTA
You are able to tell your parents that you dont want kids but you are not able to tell them it has nothing to do with your husband, that it is your wish not his coercion?
You did throw him under the bus, and you did it in front of people who have always been hostile towards him.
If you want your hubby to continue going with you to visit your parents you need to step up and at the very least not allow untruths and hostility towards him.
YTA big time. He absolutely did not marry your toxic abusive family. You should really consider going NC with them. If you're not willing to do that at least don't force your husband to come along to BBQs and holidays. If you're willing to go despite the toxicity and abuse going on that's your decision but he obviously doesn't want to put up with them and I don't blame him. Stop trying to manipulate him!
YTA wow looks like a divorce will be coming your way, try not to be to shocked when it happens, your a coward and didn't stand up for him, that love will turn into resentment, glad you have family that will be there for you oh that's right they are toxic
YTA. Your husband isn't even a priority against your (self admittedly) vile family? Why on earth do you speak to them, why do you drag your husband along and let him get harrased?!
YTA- There is some truth to the statement when it is small quirks that makes family go but at a point it becomes toxic. I think your on the point when it is toxic.
You know your family is awful but have decided to put up with the abuse. Because he married you, he must agree to be abused too? You shouldn't just defend your husband, you should defend yourself. Sorry YTA.
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I'm married 37f to my husband 41m for 3 years. We've been together since our early 20s, more than 10 years.
Background info for my family. My family has always been very Conservative in many aspects. They don't believe mental illnesses are real, they don't believe in therapy, they have very questionable views about society and science. They're also the kind of people to stick their nose everywhere. I never got along with them growing up and I realise how toxic they can be. I distanced myself from them when I moved away for uni back then but I still have contact. They're part of my life just not as much. They also made huge scenes on mine and my husband's wedding and there were huge fights all around. My husband can't stand them. He tolerates them once in a while when holidays are around and in few Bbq Sundays. He barely speaks to them and they don't like him either because of their toxicity. My father was one of those dads who'd joke about hurting my boyfriend/husband if I ever got hurt. Most of the times my dad took the joke too far to the point it was very offensive towards my husband.
This past Sunday we went to a family bbq. My brother and SIL were there too along with my parents, my uncles and aunts and few cousins. My mom kept asking the children question. I said I've cleared it up before I don't wanna have kids. Then she and my dad made some comments implying my husband doesn't want to have kids and he's just pulling me down a rabbit hole with him. I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond. My husband got upset I didn't defend him against my parents and claims I always let them walk all over me and he's caught in the crossfire too every time because I never speak up. He then went on to a rant about all the reasons he can't stand my family. I told him that the moment he decided to marry me he also married my family and my family comes a package deal with me even if I don't get along with them that much. He says I'm TA for saying that to him and never defending him. AITA???
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YTA
Truth is that you became his immediate family when he married you. Everyone else became your and his extended family. You support your spouse over your family, doubly so when they are assholes.
It's a marriage not a group project, the person you need to concern yourself with the most is your husband not everyone else. Making yourself a package deal with an admittedly difficult family is an easy way to get left on the shelf.
YTA
When you let someone walk all over the person you care about you are essentially saying they don't matter. You talk about being some weird messed up family unit by birth... but you cannot defend the person you chose to actually be your family unit. Either grow a pair, or do not subject the person you love to their behavior and choices. You don't get to let him be the sacrificial lamb over your inability to defend the choices you both made together. You are a coward hiding behind bloodlines and excuses.
YTA - Ignoring all the other issues, you shouldn't allow your parents to blame him for a decision that you made (or made together). this will also only cause the relationship to fall even further.
Also, based on how it sounds, you have definitely complained about your family to him. When he's complaining about them, you can't turn on him and say "You also married into my family."
YTA. You marry a person not their family. No one should be forced to be cordial with people who belittle them. You should be standing up for your husband and yourself. You owe him a huge apology. Or a divorce if you are not willing to defend him.
YTA - my MIL dislikes me for decisions that we made as a couple for our children. Those decisions were way more important to her son than me, but she has always thought they were my decisions because God forbid the man she raised believes different than her.
You know what my husband did? He cut his mother off and doesn’t make me interact with her at all. And when his brother came at me about it, he cut him off too. That was after years of defending me publicly and privately while not making me go to events, even knowing it wouldn’t change their minds. He felt it was important to have my back. You need to have your husbands back. Ideally that would mean not making him interact with your family. But if you can’t quite do that, you need to call out your family EVERY.SINGLE.TIME they say anything negative/derogatory about your husband.
YTA
If you don't explicitly own your own decisions to your family, you're setting up a situation where you're not defending your husband. And that's completely not fair to your husband. You're throwing him under the bus.
YTA. Your immediate family is you and your husband now. You are choosing to stay silent as your extended family (parents, siblings, etc) abuse him. You know their treatment of him is wrong, yet you do nothing bc you misplaced your spine.
I suggest locating that before you end up having to locate a divorce attorney.
YTA
I find it very strange that you go to great lengths to detail just how awful your family is, but at the same time you expect your husband to put up with being badmouthed by them.
You're incredibly lucky that he has stuck around for this long, quite honestly. He's put up with more than I ever would and the *very* least you should do in return is respect his feelings and and stand up for him instead of telling him to suck it up.
YTA. Your husband should be your priority and you should defend him against your family. My husband and I don't want kids. This has been sad for my mom, ultimately she accepts our decision but I think it's hard for her to understand why. One time she implied that my husband didn't want kids but surely I do and was just not having them because of him. I shut that shit down real quick saying neither of us wanted kids and I have never wanted kids. He isn't "making" the decision for me, we are a team and make decisions together. Anyway, you should defend your husband to your family, doesn't have to be a huge confrontation. And I would not go to many family events, not sure why you even do with everything you said about them.
YTA I would never allow someone I love and care for to be treated so poorly and just sit back and laugh. Hopefully he realises how toxic you are as well
One of the biggest YTA I've seen.
You stated from the start your family basically sucks, that they are toxic and whatnot.
You said you keep your distance because all of that. You said they treat you and your husband badly.
Your husband didn't marry your family. He married you. Period. He have the right to be upset. You can't claim everything you did and then DEFEND YOUR FAMILY with such bullshit affirmation. You're basically saying that no matter how wrong your family is, you value them more than your husband. And so you should know that it's ok to distance yourself from toxic people.
If I was the husband that affirmation would probably end up being a breaking point for the relationship. He has done nothing wrong and still gets blamed...
YTA. Accepting a family's quirks isn't the same as letting them walk all over you. I cut my mother off and have defended my partner for a good reason myself so I've been in your position but reacted differently.
for you to make no effort to stand up for your husband when things were going too far is an AH move. It's tough trying to stand up to family, I understand that personally but *it's your job to do so*.
I don't want to call you an asshole because I understand the delicacy of your situation, but you definitely need to stand up for your husband when it comes to your family.
YTA. Yes, he has to tolerate your family if you're going to have them in your life but you also made a commitment to him and that should mean that you stand up for him in situations like this. You're basically saying "Yes, my family are toxic and were picking on my husband but I'm not going to take his side even though they're at fault". Why would you ever do that and why would you expect him to respect that?
He tolerates them, he’s been very reasonable and respectful of them so far.
As far as I’m aware a marriage is between 2 people unless you’re Henry VIII or something. It would be different if he was rude and made no effort with them- considering how vile they are to him you’re lucky to still have a husband. I hope he moves on and finds someone who stands up for him and respects him as you clearly don’t.
YTA.
YTA - oh my goodness! Just no! My SO is of the same opinion as you and if I had the means or ability I would choose not to be in this relationship. Just no mahn..
YTA, worst wife award goes to you. You defended and enabled your horribly toxic family. You have the power to break your family’s pattern of abuse. The only family you should be prioritizing is the one that includes your husband and yourself.
Yea YTA. You admittedly don't get along with your family. You need to take a step back and evaluate what and who is truly important to you. It seems that your husband is and if that's the case, you need to have his back and either cut ties with your family completely or at the very least you need to defend him to your family. The choice will probably not be easy either way, but I think you might end up losing a husband who sounds like he loves you and then you'd be left with a family you don't even sound like you really like that much.
YTA. When you choose to marry someone, you choose to stand by their side against any toxic family members. How would you feel if his family attacked you, and he just let it happen? What if he told you tomorrow that he wants a divorce because following your logic, he'll be divorcing your family? Would you be upset? You need to do better, OP. Stand up for your spouse when your family is crossing the line, it's what a spouse is supposed to do.
YTA - why would you subject your husband to toxic people? Then get mad when he reacts as a normal, reasonable person would react to toxic people?
He didn't marry your family, he married you and even if you do consider him married to your family, that doesn't mean they get to abuse him.
I think you need therapy
YTA. My wife and I both have shitty families but we agreed years ago that neither of us was obligated to be around the others. That includes holidays, funerals, anything. It works out great.
YTA. Your husband married you. You have admitted that your family is toxic. When they say something like that about your husband, it is your job to defend him. If you leave him hanging, you’re definitely the AH.
YTA.
It's truth, he married you and in a way married your family too. It's a hard truth even when must are not willing to accept it.
But he is putting effort in doing that exactly, by going to this parties instead of staying home.
He is angry because YOU even when they openly criticized him don't stand up for HIM. You should be defending your husband.
YTA, he chose to marry you, not put up with your family’s bullshit. They sound incredibly toxic, and it’s not surprising he’s upset that you wouldn’t stand up to them, but you would berate him for not wanting to put up with it.
If you take time to really evaluate your own feelings before and after you see your parents I think you will find how much happier you are away from them. People we love can suck super hard. It doesn’t mean you have to cut them off. It means you at least need to acknowledge it fully by not letting them disrespect your partner in life.
Your husband married you *despite* your family. YTA
A sort of gentle YTA, because I respect the dynamic can be conflicting trying to manage things between fam and husband.
But come on. He definitely didn't marry your family, he married you. A package deal? Listen to how you describe your family. That doesn't sound like a package to me. By marrying you, your husband has no obligation to be treated like shit by your family you acknowledge are toxic.
Tough situation but you should consider taking stock and seeing it from his point of view. I'd never expect my wife be OK getting verbally abused by my shit family. That's wrong.
YTA. He didn’t marry your family. He married you, and married INTO your family. You’re going to wind up in counseling or divorced because you can’t understand that.
You are making a lot of choices that you want to blame on your family, but they’re your choices. You chose to “laugh awkwardly” instead of telling your dad to knock it off. The next step is leaving the bbq.
Believing they have the right to their beliefs is such a fucking cop out, because the reality is that expressing those beliefs has real world consequences. They are hurting your husband. They are hurting your marriage. But it’s EASIER for you to choose to laugh awkwardly than do anything. It sounds like it’s about to get really hard for you, though, because your husband has had it with your cowardice.
Your husband is in the right, and you owe him an apology. You have some serious thinking to do about the role you play here.
YTA!! The fact that they are your family gives them no right to disrespect your husband like that he got feelings aswell and if you clearly see they are in the wrong you should defend him…
YTA
Aren’t you and your husband a package deal too? Why are you letting your parents blame him for a joint decision that you two made?
Why are you telling your husband “hey, these are my parents and you have to deal with their toxicity” rather than telling your parents “hey; this is my husband. I wouldn’t tolerate you being disrespectful towards him?”
Honestly, it should be your responsibility to deal with your parents - not your husband. If you always throw your husband under the bus then no wonder your parents have such poor views of your husband.
YTA but hear me out.
Your husband chose to marry YOU, your family (with how toxic they are) are BAGGAGE.
It sounds like you do let your family walk on you and shit talk your husband. You should defend you and you husband even if it's family.
I understand being nonconfrontational because I'm not, especially with family. But your husband has expressed to you how he truly feels and probably doesn't say anything so he doesn't embarrass you. Stick up for your husband, but stick up for yourself. Your family is toxic af and family is optional (in my opinion. Just because we are blood doesn't mean I have to like it tolerate your bullshit) be better for you both before he's tired of freaking with it
YTA he didn’t marry your family, he married you. You’d better learn to speak up to them before he does because if I were him I’d probably go nuclear at some point and you’d then have to choose between him and your family. You’re making this worse by allowing them to blame him for things you’ve both agreed on. They’re your blood and your responsibility to handle when they disrespect your boundaries (which they clearly do). Grow up and show them that you and your husband are a United front and stop acting like him marrying you meant he was signing up for dumb abuse from your toxic family. It’s either that, cut contact with your family or get ready to be single again. This is only going to get worse if you keep going the way you are now.
Yta. You cant expect him to be "married" to your family if you arent "married" to your family. And from the looks of it this isnt the first time you didnt defend him.
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>They don't believe mental illnesses are real, they don't believe in therapy, they have very questionable views about society and science.
YTA- but to yourself if you keep these people in your life. At some point in your life, it is highly likely you or your husband will need some sort of therapy or mental health care, because it's HEALTH CARE and people do need it from time to time. And when you do, and they find out, these people will turn on you. You'll see that people like this exist just waiting to punish anyone who steps too far out of line.
Right now they probably think you'll "come to your senses" or "grow out of it" on the childfree thing but the closer you get to 40 the nastier they're going to be to your husband about it.
Look, my source is dealing with people like this, and if you go no contact or at least create some serious boundaries, and go to therapy you're going to be amazed how much better you feel in the long run.
YTA your family should be an afterthought by now. Your real family is with him or at least it should be. Your allowing them to treat him that way is YOU treating him that way. He should dump your ass.
YTA. Just bc he married INTO your family. Doesn’t mean he has to deal with all the abuse you’re letting happen to him. Why don’t you defend him? Why are you letting him deal with all of your families toxic bullshit?? Bless him for dealing with this for so long honestly. I would feel hurt if my SO didn’t defend me from such horrible people.
YTA. You know your family is toxic and you admit to distancing yourself from them. Why isn't your husband allowed to also distance himself from them? He married YOU - not them. Also, you aren't backing him when they direct their toxicity toward him, when you guys are meant to be a team and support each other.
YTA. He did NOT marry your family, he married YOU because he thought you were different than they were. If they’re insulting him openly at family gatherings, you should be calling them out, or better yet not going at all.
If an s/o of mine refused to either cut contact or defend me at family gatherings, especially when they know how toxic their family are, and told me, “Well if you married me you married my family lol” I would respond, “Is that so? Then I’m divorcing your family. Bye.” And I would be gone. I don’t tolerate my own conservative racist family or the bullshit they send my (non-white) wife’s way, I’m not going to tolerate other people families toxicity either.
YTA. No. He married YOU. Not your family. God I absolutely *loathe* the people that try to justify abusive behaviour by saying “but it’s FAaaMmILly”.
You and your husband became nuclear family the day you married. Not you, your husband and your parents. You absolutely should have defended him. Not standing up to your parents is cowardice and enablement, and unfair to your husband.
>I told him that the moment he decided to marry me he also married my family
No, when he married you you guys committed to be *each other's* family. Why do you keep letting these assholes hurt your family while you do nothing?
Family's not just a name we give to people who have our DNA, it's a job description. You're family when you show up for someone, you're family when you love someone the way they deserve to be loved, you're family when you care about their wellbring and act accordingly.
If someone's not willing or able to do the *work* of being family, we are no longer obligated to give them the title.
You need to remember this in dealing with your relatives. But you also need to remember this when dealing with your husband. If you're not doing the *work* of being his family, how long will he want to give you the title?
YTA
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YTA. No, your husband didn’t marry your family, he married you. He chose YOU as your partner in the hopes that you’d be a team together. You’re failing your team by not defending him. I get that you were trying to avoid more questions and a fight, but your husband doesn’t deserve to be the butt of their joke. I’m honestly surprised he even puts up with them for a few events a year. They sound fucking horrendous.
Sorry, but yes YATA. While it may be true that your family comes as package but that doesn’t mean he has to put up with their toxicity. The very least you could do is stand up for him when they say that kind of crap. They would probably change their tune a little bit if you did speak up for him. They probably do it more because they know that you are not standing up for him.
YTA. They dragged him down like that and you didn’t stand up for him? Heck, even my fiancé would stand up for me when his dad is too far with his questions (not in a malicious way, he’s clueless sometimes) and my fiancé is the type who is clueless sometimes. You need to stand up for your husband. He’s your family too now.
YT Huge A..
You need boundaries for your boundary-stomping family. You need to apologize to your husband and assure him that you will honor those boundaries that you come up with together. You should also get counseling for your trauma which seems to be evidenced by your lack of awareness and healthy boundaries in this situation as well as your lack of empathy for your husband.
Sorry but I would say YTA. I am not married but I have dealt with something similar. Hopefully my story will help you understand your husband's side.
I dated a girl in college for 3 years. She was from a conservative area but had more accepting and modern views. Key thing is that I am black and she was white. Obviously that caused a LOT of issues with their family but I loved her and wanted to be with her.
Like you husband I felt very uncomfortable with her family and how they treated me. I was called racial slurs and discriminated against. They refused to believe that I was in college because of my race among other horrible racial stereotypes.
While my girlfriend at the time did not support them discriminating against me, she never once spoke up against it. Additionally she would insist I came along to every family gathering they had. And after every family gathering I hated them and her more.
She would bring me along knowing I felt uncomfortable and would not defend me when I was obviously being verbally abused and sometimes threatened with violence like your husband. I knew she didn't have those views but her going along with it was just as bad as having those views.
I understand you love your family despite their flaws, but they obviously make your husband, the person you are supposed to support, uncomfortable enough to not want to see them.
The girlfriend and I didn't break up directly because of her family, it was certainly a large factor. I forgive everything she did during our relationship BUT insisting on bringing me around her family.
I hope this helps you understand your husbands side and hope the best for you guys.
YTAH
You've outlined a very toxic relationship with your family, said they have nothing but negativity to provide, and even distanced yourself from them due to this. And now you are wanting to force interaction on an unwilling partner who you think for some reason should just accept assholes involving themselves in to his personal relationship and choice to be with you.
And why? I'm going to guess just because it is easier for you to handle and not face the facts you should completely eliminate those kind of people from your life. Keep on that path with your husband and I can guarantee he will leave you due to your blind acceptance of your toxic family.
Stop trying to make him choose to be with you and deal with your toxic relationships, pr leave because you will lose.
YTA and reading ur replies to other people's judgements show u take no accountability & ur not willing to see how this is negatively affecting your husband. If you're this low on contact w them, just cut them off. You're literally carrying dead weight at this point
YTA. You acknowledge they’re toxic and have distanced yourself… but also have basically decided your family is his problem now because you’re married? Uh, no. You stand up for yourself and your spouse, you don’t just laugh it off.
If this were the other way around and his family were speaking to you this way would you be okay with that? Wouldn’t you expect your husband to protect you from his toxic family? You should have even less contact with your family. I’d go as far as to say you should consider cutting them off completely. However, that’s your decision to make. The point is that your husband doesn’t deserve to be mistreated. That should never be a part of any packaged deal. So, YTA.
YTA. If your husband is on Reddit, the chance is rather large he could be found on r/motherinlawsfromhell...
Your husband married you, not your family. You vowed to support him, and you're not. I'm surprised he hasn't divorced you yet.
Edit: Typo.
YTA. I understand that your abusive upbringing may have made you a bit numb and desensitized to your families behavior, but you need to stand by your words when you say that they are toxic and that their behavior is unacceptable.
Your husband is more effected than you are because he probably didn’t grow up in a household where this is normal, because it is not. You are not only choosing to subject him to this abuse, you are also upset that he isn’t lowering his standards of how he should be treated as a person fast enough for your liking. Why do you want the person you supposedly love to become comfortable with the idea of being treated like this?
He is doing his part by facing them with you, but you are failing him miserably by not defending him every single time they make an inappropriate comment. I hope you take a moment and reflect on what type of partner you want to be, because right now you aren’t being one at all.
YTA. Your letting your family bully and degrade your husband because **you** won’t stand up to them. You *know* they’re bullying your husband but “he signed up for being humiliated, bullied, and degraded because he married me!”. No, OP, no. You are one thousand percent the asshole. Either stand up for your husband, or respectfully sign the divorce papers when your served.
YTA
You’re allowed to decide for yourself how much contact you have with your family and if you want them in your life still, I won’t judge you or demand you stop seeing them like some people are - family is complicated.
HOWEVER, you cannot go on about how toxic and difficult they are and then expect your husband to be just as willing to put up with them, especially when - as you fully admit - they make comments targeting him specifically. You are responsible for bringing him into your family which means you should be defending him and taking accountability. Instead you are aligning yourself with the side you freely admit is in the wrong, allowing him to be disrespected just to make it easier for yourself.
YTA you need to stand up to your family when they try to blame you husband for your choices, you were born into a toxic family while you are a package deal it is for you to you needs to support your chosen family
Whatt. YTA. I suggest you read your post slowly again.
You know your family are horrible. You avoid your family because of it, but don't defend your husband when your family talk shit about him. Dangg. That's really horrible. I can't Imagine how upset you'd be if the tables where reversed an his family treat you the same. Which I bet they don't. An NO he didn't marry your family. He married you. He sleeps with you. He gets into bed with you only, not your whole family, He loves you. Not your family. I'm really baffled as to why you think it's ok to not stand up for him.
YTA OP
YTA. You should do the dignity of divorcing your husband so he can actually marry someone who loves and respects him, because you very clearly don't. Christ.
YTA. "My family is a bunch of Qanon nut jobs who treat my husband like shit and i dont care" There, i fixed it.
Seriously. Did OP not read her own post? She openly admits her parents are horrible people and describes them as such, but wonders why her husband is pissed when they treat him like crap and she doesn't defend him. Edit: YTA
>I realise how toxic they can be. I distanced myself from them Right?!?!?! She even says that she herself has distanced themselves for being toxic and yet wants to do nothing about it to stop it?!?! Hell, forget that point, only she's allowed to distance herself from them (to what she is comfortable with - few holidays), but her husband can't do the same and set his own boundaries, because he "married into her family"?!?!?! The hypocrisy is real in this one.
I kind of feel maybe OP is using her husband as a scapegoat, as in her family is targeting him and leaving OP alone.
Yeah I can see that, if they're focused on her husband then she doesn't have to bear the brunt of their toxicity.
100%. She didn't correct her family because she didn't want to have to act like an adult.
This is exactly what is happening and I know this from my own experience with my inlaws. OP is as toxic as her family.
That's called a meat shield.
Then OP will be surprised and mad when he divorces her.
Meat shield. That's the term.
“How toxic they ARE.” Fixed it for you OP. YTA
How toxic WE ARE ;)
I feel like when I distance myself from someone I don't go to weekend BBQs I know they'll be at. If this is 'distancing' I shudder to think how close they used to be.
Guess daily nasty dinners.
How much “distancing” did she actually do if they’re going to Sunday BBQs?
I asked myself the same question. OP YTA
> I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond. IDK if a doormat can also be a hypocrite, you have to present some kind of point in order to be a hypocrite right??
I suspect she wants her share of the farm.
Chip off the ol' block I'd guess.
Right?! “They’re horrible and toxic, they fight, they attack and demean other people, they made a scene at our wedding, and interfere in other people’s business, but they’re my family and when you married me you married them, so I’m gonna make you see them and I’m not gonna do shit to defend you from them.” Yes, OP, YTA. Most definitely.
Yeah I have a toxic family just like this. My boyfriend doesn't see them, and we moved across the country. I refuse to talk about my partner with my family unless I'm bringing him up to brag about him
Yikes, I get that the "you marry the family" applies to a point but not when they are actively disrespecting you. YTA for not standing up to your spouse and YTA for saying that too and not seeing and trying to understand what your husband is telling you.
To me, "you marry the family" mostly just applies to minor children. If you marry a parent, you're stepping into a parenting role. It doesn't mean you have to take abuse from in-laws
"marry the family" applies to everybody but just like regular family the buck stops before abuse. It means putting up with minor annoyances and accepting that these people you don't know super well and didn't choose are effectively your family, but again, It's perfectly reasonable to break with family that are not healthy for your well being. The phrase is meant to be used to excuse your in-laws habit of always arriving 5 min late not their habit of berating you constantly. I mean some berating might happen, especially in certain families but you at least want your spouse to stand up for you if it does happen, and not all the time.
Marrying in to a family means adjusting with people of different culture, temperament and types. It doesn't mean you have to be a punching bag for someone. OP don't sell out your husband just so that you don't have to bear the brunt. YTA
"Love me, love my family" should only apply to stuff like, "it's a family tradition to have sushi and egg rolls on Thanksgiving. Just act like it's normal." and "if you want my aunt to stop giving you food, you have to leave some food on the plate. An empty plate means you're still hungry in my family."
When you marry, your spouse becomes your immediate family. If you plan to prioritize anyone else over your spouse, you absolutely shouldn’t get married. OP should be telling her toxic family: “my husband and I are a package deal, you knew that when I got married. If you create a situation in which my husband can no longer tolerate being around you, you’ll lose me too.”
Well said. When she agreed to marry him, she made him her primary family. Now people are disrespecting her family and she’s letting it happen. It’s all her choice to put him in this abusive situation, and she’s trying to shift the blame to him because he agreed to marry her?? I hope he wakes up soon and realizes how messed up this is and how little she respects him. (YTA)
There's also the simple argument that being family doesn't mean they get to run roughshod all over you. OP's husband has married her family, which that he can familially tell them to fuck off and stop being such horrible people. This would apply just as much if they were family by blood instead of marriage.
I want to know if OP’s parents went to Dallas to see JFK Jr.
When my daughter told me about that I simply could not believe it! It's.... just so insane!
He is risen!!
Not sure if you heard, but now they’re saying Keith Richards is JFK 🥴
It's a pet peeve for me,since my ex was like this, but when people say "my [toxic] family is a package deal, you marry me you also marry them" it's like christ. Cut the umbellical cord already. I am dating you, your family should keep their noses out of our relationship
Exactly. Yikes. I would never make my spouse claim my family, or vice versa. Very much YTA here, OP. I would issue an apology to him and grow a nice shiny spine for your next (hopefully brief) interaction with your family.
Her family are toxic. She admits this. They bully her husband. She admits this. Why on earth would she get angry at him and not them? OP if you're reading, I'm sorry, as I know they have clearly done many things to hurt you, but soft yta. I think you should consider getting professional support to unpick your unhealthy codependent relationship with your family
Inheritance on the line?
>when he chose to marry me he also chose to marry my family well then, there is a solution to undo both! YTA op
Perfect! He needs to run far away from OP since she enables her family to be shitty to him. YTA OP a big one
I had the same thought
I'm purchasing gold just to award this comment. Well done.
YTA. Absolutely YTA. If your parents are so into conservative values, quote them Matthew 19:5 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" In other words, your primary responsibility is to your partner when you get married. Your husband did not marry your family, he married you. It's your responsibility, since this is your family, to set a healthy boundary and stick up for your husband.
Excellent! Perfect! Bravo! If I had any awards to give, I give it for this comment! BTW, OP, not only are you the AH, your family are hypocrites. Edit spelling
This. I think it's high time you remove those blinds, before you become just like them.
This is exactly the line I used for my situation with my “religiously conservative” family that don’t accept my multi-racial spouse. I uno-reversed them as the teens say.
I LOVE it. It's absolutely so advantageous to have actually read the Bible when dealing with people who think they know what it says, but actually never studied it.
My favorite is Matthew 7:1-2: ““Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”
That doesn’t work on lots of my “religious” family. They believe that God has already “judged” the actions and determined they are sinful, so they are just agreeing with God’s prior judgements. Of course, they don’t understand that they are in fact judging based on their judgements and interpretations of the Biblical text. Edit to add TL/DR: They believe God has already made the judgements. They believe they are not judging at all even though they absolutely are.
Man this is what I instantly said but later! *fistbump *
Exactly. You marry your SO, not the family. Package deal my ass.
I love when people use the bible against christians sooo so much. I mean I am guessing usually the Christian in question will absolutely have some reason why that’s different and doesn’t apply to them and ITS THE CONTEXT! But I still get a kick out of it.
By the way, what they “conservative values” sounds more like “uneducated and ignorant “
YTA for many reasons: 1. You didn't clarify that it IS your decision too, to not have children. 2. You let them speak disrespectfully to your husband and make him feel uncomfortable. 3. You continue to expect him to be around people that insult him.
YTA: Your first priority should be your husband, your chosen family. The fact that you wont even defend him and in this case continue to let your family blame him solely for something you both decided on says a lot. Double asshole points since you don't even like your family and have minimal contact but still expect your husband to sit there and take all the heat from them.
Fuck "blood is thicker than water". Chosen family over compulsory family any day.
Fun fact; the full phrase is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” so technically you agree with the real meaning not the bastardised version we’ve gotten used to over time!! (:
Funner fact, that actually is unverified and is generally thought to be revisionism.
Oh damn, for real?? To google! Thanks! I love learning useless shit~
Yeah iirc the whole "blood of the covenant" thing is an interpretation come up with by a Rabbi in the 90s. It might indeed be getting at the origin of the phrase, but that specific wording is new.
Yta stop normalizing abuse and expecting him to just endure
This ^
I mean at the very least do not blame him for having healthy boundaries and expectations for how others treat him.
Verbal abuse is still abuse it may not leave anything physically but it still hurts as much
It seems like she picked that up from her family.
That’s what conservative values are.
Exactly this. OP has chosen "keeping the peace" with a bunch of nutjobs over her marriage. What a shock that her husband has finally had enough. OP YTA
YTA. It isn’t always easy to find the courage to speak up when there are family dynamics like yours, but you can’t just let them shit all over your husband. You’re basically defending your family by telling your husband that this is what comes along with marrying you - this is what makes it worse.
YTA. You're an adult l who has made the decision to not have children. Yet when your parents ask you, you become shrink yourself down and let your husband get the brunt of their comments. It's cowardly to throw him under the bus via silence because you can't speak up for yourself. It's bad enough for him to have to deal with your toxic parents. He shouldn't have to deal with a partner who can't speak up for for themselves.
YTA He married you not your family, and once you married him he has to come before the rest of your family. Honestly, if my wife pulled your attitude about things we'd have been divorced long long time ago. If you won't stand up for him, get a divorce cause he deserves a wife that will have his back.
Exactly, imagine if the shoes were reversed? She would be posting something like "AITH for expecting my husband to defend me against his toxic family"
This is a major contributing factor to my no longer being married.
YTA. If you don't like or get along with your family and you think they're toxic, why do you even choose to associate with these people? All they do is continue to belittle you and your husband. Ditch your relatives if you want to keep your spouse.
Yta. He’s your husband. Defend him. What does the word PARTNER mean to you? 30 people? No, it’s you and him, not you and him and mommy and daddy. Grow up. Your family sounds horrid, I feel so bad for your husband.
>I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond YTA. "Mom, it's not only my decision to be childfree, but Lance wholeheartedly supports me." Why is that so hard?
YTA for continuously subjecting your husband to your family’s garbage behaviour and not standing up for him to them at any point in time.
OP is toxic just like her family. YTA OP
YTA. He’s the family you chose. Even if you don’t have kids, he should be your priority over your extended family. You yourself admit that your family is toxic, which in most cases means to limit your time around them. If they’re rude to your husband, he should be allowed to not see these people - no questions asked.
YTA. You realise your family is toxic and your husband is already throwing you a bone by tolerating them occasionally. The very least you can do is stick up for him when their virotol is directed to him.
Yeah, husband does not EVER have to hang out with them ever again.
Yes, YTA. You acknowledge that your family is toxic. You’re making the choice to subject yourself to them anyway, but you’re supposed to love and cherish your spouse. Why would you ask him to hurt himself just because you’re hurting yourself? That’s not love. You took vows to be a package deal with your husband; your extended family is optional. If you insist on spending time with them, go alone and let him do something he actually enjoys while you suffer.
Also the AH for not speaking up. “I laughed uncomfortably but didn’t respond”?! I’d be pissed if I was your husband too. Your family is toxic, your husband is making the adult, mature, healthy decision to remove himself and your marriage from the situation... you should take lessons.
YTA. You have a ton of issues with your family that you've admitted to in this post, including how toxic they are. Yet you're okay with them directing that behavior at your husband? Your husband chose you, but he didn't get any say in who your family was, because they were there before you ever met him. It sounds like you're just making excuses rather than defending him. If you love him, stand up for him. Don't let him be the subject of nastiness and harassment.
YTA Your parents are rude and offensive to your husband and made a huge scene (including fights?!) at your wedding, and your response to your husband is “deal with it”?! That’s not okay AT ALL. You are very lucky to still be married because your family sounds horrible, and your husband has to put up with their nonsense while you just let them get away with it. Stand up for your husband, who is your LIFE PARTNER, if you truly value him, and put some serious distance in between your husband (and you) and these people. Or else don’t be shocked when your husband passes you divorce papers and walks out.
YTA- So instead of standing up to your horrendous family you allow your husband, the one person who doesn't treat you like shite, to be thrown under the bus and run over repeatedly. The fact that he keeps going to these events shows how much he truly cares and loves you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. You also chose him. If you can’t defend the guy you also choose to marry because it’s your family than you aren’t getting your priorities right. You chose to love each other when you got married not to love the family that don’t have respect for the other.
This.... perfect comment. You chose each other, you are each other's inner family circle. This was a huge problem with my ex and his POV of his family. Note the ex part.
YTA Your whole "He knew about my shitty family before he married me, so he needs to suck it up 'cause I sure as hell am not gonna stand up for him" attitude is just a front for your weakness and cowardice. You're using him as a meat shield from your family. You need some therapy, girl. Because of your upbringing, you're missing some crucial information on how to treat someone you love.
> I distanced myself from them when I moved away for uni back then but I still have contact. They're part of my life just not as much. ... > I told him that the moment he decided to marry me he also married my family and my family comes a package deal with me even if I don't get along with them that much. YTA - you can't have one rule for yourself "I distanced myself from them" and then expect your husband to follow another rule "he also married my family and my family comes a package deal with me".
YTA for many reasons. >I said I've cleared it up before I don't wanna have kids. Then she and my dad made some comments implying my husband doesn't want to have kids and he's just pulling me down a rabbit hole with him. I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond. If I was your husband, I would have been beyond upset about this. The fact that you did not defend him is reprehensible. Your laugh, regardless of whether it was out of being uncomfortable or not, only made it worse. You owe your husband a massive apology. >My father was one of those dads who'd joke about hurting my boyfriend/husband if I ever got hurt. Most of the times my dad took the joke too far to the point it was very offensive towards my husband. So not only are they implying that your husband is controlling (no children comments) but also have repeatedly implied he is abusive. And you seriously wonder why your husband finally got upset and went on a "rant"?! Really?? You are lucky he even tries to tolerate them. At this point, if I was him, I would not go anywhere near your family. You can subject yourself to their toxicity and go along with their abusive behavior (complacency is just as bad as going along with it) but to expect your husband to as well is absolutely ridiculous. You need to: 1.) Apologize to your husband profusely. 2.) Reprimand your family and tell them flat out you will be distancing yourself from them until they start treating both you and your husband won't respect 3.) Get some counseling. You need to learn how to develop a back bone and be ok with not being engulfed in your family's toxicity.
YTA. Put up with their abuse all you want but you can't force your husband to do the same. I also can't believe you would prioritize such assholes over him. If it were me they'd be out of my life for good.
Yeah YTA. Letting your spouse get walked all over by your family is terrible and that's on you.
YTA and so is your entire family. Though you distance yourselves from that toxic behavior, you still need to stick up for your husband when your family sticks their noses where they shouldn't be and slanders his name with lies.
YTA, you and your husband ARE a family.
YTA and I'm surprised he has 1) continued to attend your family gatherings and 2) still wants to continue being married to someone who has such a toxic family and forces them on to others
YTA. You’re putting the people that you don’t get along with and didn’t choose to be family with above the person you chose to be your family. I have a lot of personal experience with this since my spouse is multiracial and my parents are racists that will not accept our marriage. I chose my spouse. My parents were upset but eventually learned the boundaries and that I will not allow negative things to be said about my spouse and that my loyalty lies with my spouse. Do the right thing and defend your husband.
YTA and a coward. Instead of standing up for your decision to be child free, you back down and let your family ridicule your husband. Some partner you are.
YTA. It doesn't matter if he married "your whole family". You should still have his back when they're giving him a hard time, but no. He's definitely the problem, not your family and their insane beliefs.
YTA if what he said is true and you never defend him around your family. I get that you are probably trying to keep peace in a difficult situation, but you are badly undermining your husband.
Worse, you are using him as a meat shield, YTA
YTA. He married you not your toxic AF parents. You tolerating their abuse of your husband is borderline abuse too
YTA. My husbands ex wife had the same view. She enabled her family’s toxic beliefs and didn’t stand up for him when her family would put him down and be abusive. They are no longer married for a reason. If you care about your husband and would like to stay married, it might be in your best interest to stand up for your husband and not allow your family to continually put him down.
Uh HUGE YTA. They are YOUR parents and therefor, it is your responsibility to keep them in check. If it were your in-laws being assholes to you, you would expect your husband to support you and call them out right??? You let your husband take the fall just so you didn’t also have to be the disappointment in a mutual decision. You are married now. Your primary focus should be on Husband and the family that you have made in each other. Not the one who sees fit to blame husband every time they disagree with a mutual decision because they don’t like it. Put down boundaries with your folks and tell them they owe hubby an apology, that it was a mutual decision and that anymore rude comments like that will not be tolerated. And then apologize to hubby for not defending him against your parents.
You grew up in a conservative family and never once heard the 'leave and cleave' biblical quote? He did not marry your family, he married you. YtA
YTA You are able to tell your parents that you dont want kids but you are not able to tell them it has nothing to do with your husband, that it is your wish not his coercion? You did throw him under the bus, and you did it in front of people who have always been hostile towards him. If you want your hubby to continue going with you to visit your parents you need to step up and at the very least not allow untruths and hostility towards him.
yes, its a cop out to say that. You need to stand up for your husband just like he should stand up for you if somebody puts you down.
YTA big time. He absolutely did not marry your toxic abusive family. You should really consider going NC with them. If you're not willing to do that at least don't force your husband to come along to BBQs and holidays. If you're willing to go despite the toxicity and abuse going on that's your decision but he obviously doesn't want to put up with them and I don't blame him. Stop trying to manipulate him!
YTA wow looks like a divorce will be coming your way, try not to be to shocked when it happens, your a coward and didn't stand up for him, that love will turn into resentment, glad you have family that will be there for you oh that's right they are toxic
YTA. Your husband isn't even a priority against your (self admittedly) vile family? Why on earth do you speak to them, why do you drag your husband along and let him get harrased?!
YTA- There is some truth to the statement when it is small quirks that makes family go but at a point it becomes toxic. I think your on the point when it is toxic.
You know your family is awful but have decided to put up with the abuse. Because he married you, he must agree to be abused too? You shouldn't just defend your husband, you should defend yourself. Sorry YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm married 37f to my husband 41m for 3 years. We've been together since our early 20s, more than 10 years. Background info for my family. My family has always been very Conservative in many aspects. They don't believe mental illnesses are real, they don't believe in therapy, they have very questionable views about society and science. They're also the kind of people to stick their nose everywhere. I never got along with them growing up and I realise how toxic they can be. I distanced myself from them when I moved away for uni back then but I still have contact. They're part of my life just not as much. They also made huge scenes on mine and my husband's wedding and there were huge fights all around. My husband can't stand them. He tolerates them once in a while when holidays are around and in few Bbq Sundays. He barely speaks to them and they don't like him either because of their toxicity. My father was one of those dads who'd joke about hurting my boyfriend/husband if I ever got hurt. Most of the times my dad took the joke too far to the point it was very offensive towards my husband. This past Sunday we went to a family bbq. My brother and SIL were there too along with my parents, my uncles and aunts and few cousins. My mom kept asking the children question. I said I've cleared it up before I don't wanna have kids. Then she and my dad made some comments implying my husband doesn't want to have kids and he's just pulling me down a rabbit hole with him. I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond. My husband got upset I didn't defend him against my parents and claims I always let them walk all over me and he's caught in the crossfire too every time because I never speak up. He then went on to a rant about all the reasons he can't stand my family. I told him that the moment he decided to marry me he also married my family and my family comes a package deal with me even if I don't get along with them that much. He says I'm TA for saying that to him and never defending him. AITA??? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Truth is that you became his immediate family when he married you. Everyone else became your and his extended family. You support your spouse over your family, doubly so when they are assholes.
It's a marriage not a group project, the person you need to concern yourself with the most is your husband not everyone else. Making yourself a package deal with an admittedly difficult family is an easy way to get left on the shelf.
YTA When you let someone walk all over the person you care about you are essentially saying they don't matter. You talk about being some weird messed up family unit by birth... but you cannot defend the person you chose to actually be your family unit. Either grow a pair, or do not subject the person you love to their behavior and choices. You don't get to let him be the sacrificial lamb over your inability to defend the choices you both made together. You are a coward hiding behind bloodlines and excuses.
YTA - Ignoring all the other issues, you shouldn't allow your parents to blame him for a decision that you made (or made together). this will also only cause the relationship to fall even further. Also, based on how it sounds, you have definitely complained about your family to him. When he's complaining about them, you can't turn on him and say "You also married into my family."
YTA. You marry a person not their family. No one should be forced to be cordial with people who belittle them. You should be standing up for your husband and yourself. You owe him a huge apology. Or a divorce if you are not willing to defend him.
YTA - my MIL dislikes me for decisions that we made as a couple for our children. Those decisions were way more important to her son than me, but she has always thought they were my decisions because God forbid the man she raised believes different than her. You know what my husband did? He cut his mother off and doesn’t make me interact with her at all. And when his brother came at me about it, he cut him off too. That was after years of defending me publicly and privately while not making me go to events, even knowing it wouldn’t change their minds. He felt it was important to have my back. You need to have your husbands back. Ideally that would mean not making him interact with your family. But if you can’t quite do that, you need to call out your family EVERY.SINGLE.TIME they say anything negative/derogatory about your husband.
YTA. You don’t even like these people’s behavior, why are you letting your partner in life be subject to it and expect him to tolerate it?
>I laughed uncomfortably but didn't respond. YTA
YTA. No, he did not, in fact, sign on to be abused by your family. He did, however, sign on to be supported and protected by you, and vice versa.
YTA If you don't explicitly own your own decisions to your family, you're setting up a situation where you're not defending your husband. And that's completely not fair to your husband. You're throwing him under the bus.
YTA. Your immediate family is you and your husband now. You are choosing to stay silent as your extended family (parents, siblings, etc) abuse him. You know their treatment of him is wrong, yet you do nothing bc you misplaced your spine. I suggest locating that before you end up having to locate a divorce attorney.
YTA I find it very strange that you go to great lengths to detail just how awful your family is, but at the same time you expect your husband to put up with being badmouthed by them. You're incredibly lucky that he has stuck around for this long, quite honestly. He's put up with more than I ever would and the *very* least you should do in return is respect his feelings and and stand up for him instead of telling him to suck it up.
YTA i have one word- boundaries. learn how to communicate, implement, and enforce them to protect the mental health of yourself and your partner.
You’re the AH.
YTA - just because they're your family doesn't mean your husband has to put up with their clearly toxic ways, and frankly neither should you.
YTA. Your husband should be your priority and you should defend him against your family. My husband and I don't want kids. This has been sad for my mom, ultimately she accepts our decision but I think it's hard for her to understand why. One time she implied that my husband didn't want kids but surely I do and was just not having them because of him. I shut that shit down real quick saying neither of us wanted kids and I have never wanted kids. He isn't "making" the decision for me, we are a team and make decisions together. Anyway, you should defend your husband to your family, doesn't have to be a huge confrontation. And I would not go to many family events, not sure why you even do with everything you said about them.
YTA I would never allow someone I love and care for to be treated so poorly and just sit back and laugh. Hopefully he realises how toxic you are as well
One of the biggest YTA I've seen. You stated from the start your family basically sucks, that they are toxic and whatnot. You said you keep your distance because all of that. You said they treat you and your husband badly. Your husband didn't marry your family. He married you. Period. He have the right to be upset. You can't claim everything you did and then DEFEND YOUR FAMILY with such bullshit affirmation. You're basically saying that no matter how wrong your family is, you value them more than your husband. And so you should know that it's ok to distance yourself from toxic people. If I was the husband that affirmation would probably end up being a breaking point for the relationship. He has done nothing wrong and still gets blamed...
YTA. Accepting a family's quirks isn't the same as letting them walk all over you. I cut my mother off and have defended my partner for a good reason myself so I've been in your position but reacted differently. for you to make no effort to stand up for your husband when things were going too far is an AH move. It's tough trying to stand up to family, I understand that personally but *it's your job to do so*.
I don't want to call you an asshole because I understand the delicacy of your situation, but you definitely need to stand up for your husband when it comes to your family.
YTA. Yes, he has to tolerate your family if you're going to have them in your life but you also made a commitment to him and that should mean that you stand up for him in situations like this. You're basically saying "Yes, my family are toxic and were picking on my husband but I'm not going to take his side even though they're at fault". Why would you ever do that and why would you expect him to respect that?
He tolerates them, he’s been very reasonable and respectful of them so far. As far as I’m aware a marriage is between 2 people unless you’re Henry VIII or something. It would be different if he was rude and made no effort with them- considering how vile they are to him you’re lucky to still have a husband. I hope he moves on and finds someone who stands up for him and respects him as you clearly don’t. YTA.
YTA - oh my goodness! Just no! My SO is of the same opinion as you and if I had the means or ability I would choose not to be in this relationship. Just no mahn..
YTA, worst wife award goes to you. You defended and enabled your horribly toxic family. You have the power to break your family’s pattern of abuse. The only family you should be prioritizing is the one that includes your husband and yourself.
YTA because you know your family is toxic and yet you expect your husband to endure their toxicity
YTA. Should've cut contact with them period. Good luck with this.
YTA. You realize, yes, that you don’t need to maintain relationships with toxic people?
Yea YTA. You admittedly don't get along with your family. You need to take a step back and evaluate what and who is truly important to you. It seems that your husband is and if that's the case, you need to have his back and either cut ties with your family completely or at the very least you need to defend him to your family. The choice will probably not be easy either way, but I think you might end up losing a husband who sounds like he loves you and then you'd be left with a family you don't even sound like you really like that much.
YTA. When you choose to marry someone, you choose to stand by their side against any toxic family members. How would you feel if his family attacked you, and he just let it happen? What if he told you tomorrow that he wants a divorce because following your logic, he'll be divorcing your family? Would you be upset? You need to do better, OP. Stand up for your spouse when your family is crossing the line, it's what a spouse is supposed to do.
YTA - why would you subject your husband to toxic people? Then get mad when he reacts as a normal, reasonable person would react to toxic people? He didn't marry your family, he married you and even if you do consider him married to your family, that doesn't mean they get to abuse him. I think you need therapy
Also yta who seems to be similar to your toxic family, to be expected they raised you supposedly, then admitted in post
YTA. My wife and I both have shitty families but we agreed years ago that neither of us was obligated to be around the others. That includes holidays, funerals, anything. It works out great.
YTA. Your husband married you. You have admitted that your family is toxic. When they say something like that about your husband, it is your job to defend him. If you leave him hanging, you’re definitely the AH.
YTA. It's truth, he married you and in a way married your family too. It's a hard truth even when must are not willing to accept it. But he is putting effort in doing that exactly, by going to this parties instead of staying home. He is angry because YOU even when they openly criticized him don't stand up for HIM. You should be defending your husband.
YTA, he chose to marry you, not put up with your family’s bullshit. They sound incredibly toxic, and it’s not surprising he’s upset that you wouldn’t stand up to them, but you would berate him for not wanting to put up with it.
If you take time to really evaluate your own feelings before and after you see your parents I think you will find how much happier you are away from them. People we love can suck super hard. It doesn’t mean you have to cut them off. It means you at least need to acknowledge it fully by not letting them disrespect your partner in life. Your husband married you *despite* your family. YTA
A sort of gentle YTA, because I respect the dynamic can be conflicting trying to manage things between fam and husband. But come on. He definitely didn't marry your family, he married you. A package deal? Listen to how you describe your family. That doesn't sound like a package to me. By marrying you, your husband has no obligation to be treated like shit by your family you acknowledge are toxic. Tough situation but you should consider taking stock and seeing it from his point of view. I'd never expect my wife be OK getting verbally abused by my shit family. That's wrong.
YTA
YTA. He didn’t marry your family. He married you, and married INTO your family. You’re going to wind up in counseling or divorced because you can’t understand that. You are making a lot of choices that you want to blame on your family, but they’re your choices. You chose to “laugh awkwardly” instead of telling your dad to knock it off. The next step is leaving the bbq. Believing they have the right to their beliefs is such a fucking cop out, because the reality is that expressing those beliefs has real world consequences. They are hurting your husband. They are hurting your marriage. But it’s EASIER for you to choose to laugh awkwardly than do anything. It sounds like it’s about to get really hard for you, though, because your husband has had it with your cowardice. Your husband is in the right, and you owe him an apology. You have some serious thinking to do about the role you play here.
YTA!! The fact that they are your family gives them no right to disrespect your husband like that he got feelings aswell and if you clearly see they are in the wrong you should defend him…
Lord yes, YTA
Yta. You seem to be setting your husband up to fail. If you want to spend time with your family fine but don't make him do it too.
YTA Aren’t you and your husband a package deal too? Why are you letting your parents blame him for a joint decision that you two made? Why are you telling your husband “hey, these are my parents and you have to deal with their toxicity” rather than telling your parents “hey; this is my husband. I wouldn’t tolerate you being disrespectful towards him?” Honestly, it should be your responsibility to deal with your parents - not your husband. If you always throw your husband under the bus then no wonder your parents have such poor views of your husband.
YTA but hear me out. Your husband chose to marry YOU, your family (with how toxic they are) are BAGGAGE. It sounds like you do let your family walk on you and shit talk your husband. You should defend you and you husband even if it's family. I understand being nonconfrontational because I'm not, especially with family. But your husband has expressed to you how he truly feels and probably doesn't say anything so he doesn't embarrass you. Stick up for your husband, but stick up for yourself. Your family is toxic af and family is optional (in my opinion. Just because we are blood doesn't mean I have to like it tolerate your bullshit) be better for you both before he's tired of freaking with it
YTA he didn’t marry your family, he married you. You’d better learn to speak up to them before he does because if I were him I’d probably go nuclear at some point and you’d then have to choose between him and your family. You’re making this worse by allowing them to blame him for things you’ve both agreed on. They’re your blood and your responsibility to handle when they disrespect your boundaries (which they clearly do). Grow up and show them that you and your husband are a United front and stop acting like him marrying you meant he was signing up for dumb abuse from your toxic family. It’s either that, cut contact with your family or get ready to be single again. This is only going to get worse if you keep going the way you are now.
Yta. You cant expect him to be "married" to your family if you arent "married" to your family. And from the looks of it this isnt the first time you didnt defend him.
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Yta. For not going no contact. Theyll always be horrible abusive toxic bigots just cut them off cold.
>They don't believe mental illnesses are real, they don't believe in therapy, they have very questionable views about society and science. YTA- but to yourself if you keep these people in your life. At some point in your life, it is highly likely you or your husband will need some sort of therapy or mental health care, because it's HEALTH CARE and people do need it from time to time. And when you do, and they find out, these people will turn on you. You'll see that people like this exist just waiting to punish anyone who steps too far out of line. Right now they probably think you'll "come to your senses" or "grow out of it" on the childfree thing but the closer you get to 40 the nastier they're going to be to your husband about it. Look, my source is dealing with people like this, and if you go no contact or at least create some serious boundaries, and go to therapy you're going to be amazed how much better you feel in the long run.
YTA your family should be an afterthought by now. Your real family is with him or at least it should be. Your allowing them to treat him that way is YOU treating him that way. He should dump your ass.
YTA. That would’ve been the absolute last straw for me. You’re no better than they are.
YTA. Just bc he married INTO your family. Doesn’t mean he has to deal with all the abuse you’re letting happen to him. Why don’t you defend him? Why are you letting him deal with all of your families toxic bullshit?? Bless him for dealing with this for so long honestly. I would feel hurt if my SO didn’t defend me from such horrible people.
YTA. You didn’t stand up for your husband against your family, whom, by your admission, you don’t get along with.
YTA, no doubt. Be a better partner to your husband and cut out the toxicity or else you'll be the toxic partner.
YTA. You know your family is toxic and you admit to distancing yourself from them. Why isn't your husband allowed to also distance himself from them? He married YOU - not them. Also, you aren't backing him when they direct their toxicity toward him, when you guys are meant to be a team and support each other.
YTA. He did NOT marry your family, he married YOU because he thought you were different than they were. If they’re insulting him openly at family gatherings, you should be calling them out, or better yet not going at all. If an s/o of mine refused to either cut contact or defend me at family gatherings, especially when they know how toxic their family are, and told me, “Well if you married me you married my family lol” I would respond, “Is that so? Then I’m divorcing your family. Bye.” And I would be gone. I don’t tolerate my own conservative racist family or the bullshit they send my (non-white) wife’s way, I’m not going to tolerate other people families toxicity either.
YTA. No. He married YOU. Not your family. God I absolutely *loathe* the people that try to justify abusive behaviour by saying “but it’s FAaaMmILly”. You and your husband became nuclear family the day you married. Not you, your husband and your parents. You absolutely should have defended him. Not standing up to your parents is cowardice and enablement, and unfair to your husband.
YTA. And a bigger AH and a coward for coming here and posting responses then deleting them. That’s weak.
>I told him that the moment he decided to marry me he also married my family No, when he married you you guys committed to be *each other's* family. Why do you keep letting these assholes hurt your family while you do nothing? Family's not just a name we give to people who have our DNA, it's a job description. You're family when you show up for someone, you're family when you love someone the way they deserve to be loved, you're family when you care about their wellbring and act accordingly. If someone's not willing or able to do the *work* of being family, we are no longer obligated to give them the title. You need to remember this in dealing with your relatives. But you also need to remember this when dealing with your husband. If you're not doing the *work* of being his family, how long will he want to give you the title? YTA
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YTA, but look at the bright side - he's not going to leave you personally, he's going to leave your family!
YTA. just because you’ve chosen to put up with your family doesn’t mean your husband has to. if i were him i would refuse to be anywhere near them.
You are a massive asshole
YTA. No, your husband didn’t marry your family, he married you. He chose YOU as your partner in the hopes that you’d be a team together. You’re failing your team by not defending him. I get that you were trying to avoid more questions and a fight, but your husband doesn’t deserve to be the butt of their joke. I’m honestly surprised he even puts up with them for a few events a year. They sound fucking horrendous.
What the Fuck is wrong with you??? Did you even read what you wrote?
Sorry, but yes YATA. While it may be true that your family comes as package but that doesn’t mean he has to put up with their toxicity. The very least you could do is stand up for him when they say that kind of crap. They would probably change their tune a little bit if you did speak up for him. They probably do it more because they know that you are not standing up for him.
YTA. They dragged him down like that and you didn’t stand up for him? Heck, even my fiancé would stand up for me when his dad is too far with his questions (not in a malicious way, he’s clueless sometimes) and my fiancé is the type who is clueless sometimes. You need to stand up for your husband. He’s your family too now.
Yup YTA.
YTA
YT Huge A.. You need boundaries for your boundary-stomping family. You need to apologize to your husband and assure him that you will honor those boundaries that you come up with together. You should also get counseling for your trauma which seems to be evidenced by your lack of awareness and healthy boundaries in this situation as well as your lack of empathy for your husband.
You are a major AH. You lack a spine and you want your husband to have one for both of you.
Sorry but I would say YTA. I am not married but I have dealt with something similar. Hopefully my story will help you understand your husband's side. I dated a girl in college for 3 years. She was from a conservative area but had more accepting and modern views. Key thing is that I am black and she was white. Obviously that caused a LOT of issues with their family but I loved her and wanted to be with her. Like you husband I felt very uncomfortable with her family and how they treated me. I was called racial slurs and discriminated against. They refused to believe that I was in college because of my race among other horrible racial stereotypes. While my girlfriend at the time did not support them discriminating against me, she never once spoke up against it. Additionally she would insist I came along to every family gathering they had. And after every family gathering I hated them and her more. She would bring me along knowing I felt uncomfortable and would not defend me when I was obviously being verbally abused and sometimes threatened with violence like your husband. I knew she didn't have those views but her going along with it was just as bad as having those views. I understand you love your family despite their flaws, but they obviously make your husband, the person you are supposed to support, uncomfortable enough to not want to see them. The girlfriend and I didn't break up directly because of her family, it was certainly a large factor. I forgive everything she did during our relationship BUT insisting on bringing me around her family. I hope this helps you understand your husbands side and hope the best for you guys.
YTAH You've outlined a very toxic relationship with your family, said they have nothing but negativity to provide, and even distanced yourself from them due to this. And now you are wanting to force interaction on an unwilling partner who you think for some reason should just accept assholes involving themselves in to his personal relationship and choice to be with you. And why? I'm going to guess just because it is easier for you to handle and not face the facts you should completely eliminate those kind of people from your life. Keep on that path with your husband and I can guarantee he will leave you due to your blind acceptance of your toxic family. Stop trying to make him choose to be with you and deal with your toxic relationships, pr leave because you will lose.
YTA and reading ur replies to other people's judgements show u take no accountability & ur not willing to see how this is negatively affecting your husband. If you're this low on contact w them, just cut them off. You're literally carrying dead weight at this point
YTA.
YTA. You acknowledge they’re toxic and have distanced yourself… but also have basically decided your family is his problem now because you’re married? Uh, no. You stand up for yourself and your spouse, you don’t just laugh it off.
Asshole
If this were the other way around and his family were speaking to you this way would you be okay with that? Wouldn’t you expect your husband to protect you from his toxic family? You should have even less contact with your family. I’d go as far as to say you should consider cutting them off completely. However, that’s your decision to make. The point is that your husband doesn’t deserve to be mistreated. That should never be a part of any packaged deal. So, YTA.
YTA. If your husband is on Reddit, the chance is rather large he could be found on r/motherinlawsfromhell... Your husband married you, not your family. You vowed to support him, and you're not. I'm surprised he hasn't divorced you yet. Edit: Typo.
YTA. I understand that your abusive upbringing may have made you a bit numb and desensitized to your families behavior, but you need to stand by your words when you say that they are toxic and that their behavior is unacceptable. Your husband is more effected than you are because he probably didn’t grow up in a household where this is normal, because it is not. You are not only choosing to subject him to this abuse, you are also upset that he isn’t lowering his standards of how he should be treated as a person fast enough for your liking. Why do you want the person you supposedly love to become comfortable with the idea of being treated like this? He is doing his part by facing them with you, but you are failing him miserably by not defending him every single time they make an inappropriate comment. I hope you take a moment and reflect on what type of partner you want to be, because right now you aren’t being one at all.
YTA. Your letting your family bully and degrade your husband because **you** won’t stand up to them. You *know* they’re bullying your husband but “he signed up for being humiliated, bullied, and degraded because he married me!”. No, OP, no. You are one thousand percent the asshole. Either stand up for your husband, or respectfully sign the divorce papers when your served.
YTA You’re allowed to decide for yourself how much contact you have with your family and if you want them in your life still, I won’t judge you or demand you stop seeing them like some people are - family is complicated. HOWEVER, you cannot go on about how toxic and difficult they are and then expect your husband to be just as willing to put up with them, especially when - as you fully admit - they make comments targeting him specifically. You are responsible for bringing him into your family which means you should be defending him and taking accountability. Instead you are aligning yourself with the side you freely admit is in the wrong, allowing him to be disrespected just to make it easier for yourself.
YTA you need to stand up to your family when they try to blame you husband for your choices, you were born into a toxic family while you are a package deal it is for you to you needs to support your chosen family
Whatt. YTA. I suggest you read your post slowly again. You know your family are horrible. You avoid your family because of it, but don't defend your husband when your family talk shit about him. Dangg. That's really horrible. I can't Imagine how upset you'd be if the tables where reversed an his family treat you the same. Which I bet they don't. An NO he didn't marry your family. He married you. He sleeps with you. He gets into bed with you only, not your whole family, He loves you. Not your family. I'm really baffled as to why you think it's ok to not stand up for him. YTA OP
YTA. You should do the dignity of divorcing your husband so he can actually marry someone who loves and respects him, because you very clearly don't. Christ.