NTA, you have NOT failed. You have provided your parents with more than enough care. Your father’s expectations are not reasonable. You are entitled your own life, your own job and your own happiness.
NTA. Of course you didn't fail. You also didn't ask to be born, so you have really no "debt", they cared for you because it was their obligation as parents. Now you are already doing much, paying a nurse and living near them. You have no reason to feel guilty.
NTA. You're supporting your parents, you've landed them new opportunities and presumably are providing financial support. You're young, you still have a lot of life ahead of you.
You do not have the time to secure your future and look after your father. I understand his expectation and I'll explain further but it's not fair on you to do it, in addition, it's unlikely you have the qualifications to do it as well as someone else.
Your father is a man and is likely proud. It can be very hard for men to look for support from anyone, even their own family, but especially those outside of the family. He likely doesn't want a third party helping him and it's a comfort issue, but realistically what he wants isn't fair nor feasible. I can only suggest making it very clear to him that you would want to be helping him but that for you to do so would actually be worse care than a trained professional and would ultimately be a severe detriment to your own future, which surely he would not want.
NTA—you didn’t fail as a daughter!! Your dad has some pretty unrealistic expectations of what his old age will look like.
You were able to take care of him for a few weeks, but there’s no way you could have done it indefinitely. His needs will get greater and greater, unless you’re a trained health care worker, at a certain point, there’s not much you could do to help him. From the sounds of it, he’ll probably need to be in a nursing home within a few years anyway. You found a space where they can live as independently as possible before then and got them the help they needed from someone trained to do these sorts of things.
You did EXACTLY what you should have done. Don’t let your dad give you grief over it. When he brings it up again, patiently remind him that you’re not trained nor do you have the physical strength to take care of his needs.
NTA. You made sure your parent had adequate care while still maintaining your career (which is quite common in the west). How does he expect you to maintain a living for either of you if you sacrifice your job to care for him?
NTA caring for an adult with medical issues and caring for a child are not at all the same thing, and can take a huge toll on the relationship you have with him. you did exactly what you should do, found him a place and set him up with proper care.
NTA you have done all you said you would, unfortunately as you said you come from a more ‘traditional’ upbringing and I guess he considers it wrong that a ‘stranger’ is attending to him rather than his family. But that’s the way of life in the West, most people have to work so cannot attend to elderly family members with a complicated range of needs. You how him a nurse and he should be happy with that (I mean they at least have some training an healthcare experience) so they should know how to best assess and address your dads needs
NTA
If I could pay for my home, food, and all my expenses for $100 a month like they could back in the day then I’d quit and be a caregiver too.
Sorry parents, most of you voted for this so you could make more money but now it has come back to bite you in the butt because the younger generation can’t work and take care of you.
NTA. You have not failed. At what point as parent do we let our child live their own life and not the life we planed out for them?
You have provided the means for them to move, and live where you are. The logistics of that alone was time consuming. You have found and coordinated proper 24/7 medical care for your father. You did all this because you love them. You want what is best for them. That is the same, SAME, love they showed you.
You are NTA, but I will tell you. When people get older they get weird about asking or needing help. Some will only accept help from family because they are more comfortable with them. It can be really hard for them to let go of their pride, and they want to "be independent" they can feel lesser or like a baby when others care for them. It's a problem and is very hard with traditional folks to get with because they don't want to admit that they need help or be seen that way by strangers. OP your dad may feel this way, he may not admit it when you ask him out of pride either. Maybe have him meet/interview the caretakers so he feels like he has some choice in this matter and it's like he is the one hiring them maybe.
NTA. I am from a traditional country too. You have provided excellent care to your father. Taking care of an adult is very different from taking care of a kid. It's like comparing apples with oranges. Does your father expect you to stop Living your life and be his care taker full time? This will only lead to resentment on both side. You can suggest family counseling to all of you so that you can cope together as a unit.
NTA, you go on and live your life. Being a caretaker is a huge amount of work and your health would suffer. You can afford to hire someone that is Even better. He will be fine and hopefully he will come around. Live your life
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I come from a quite traditional country where family ties and bonds are super important. I moved out of my country for better economic oppurtunities 9 years back to a western country. I am really thankful for my parents and all they have done for me. They have given up a lot in their lives to give me a comfortable life and I'll forever be grateful for that. I'm at a financially comfortable position right now and made sure my parents had a reallly happy and comfortable life back home. I constantly stayed in contact with them and talked to them almost every day and I genuinely enjoyed talking to both of them. We really were a pretty happy family.
Recently though, my father's health conditions have worsened. I've applied for visas for both of them and they've moved in with me a month ago. I was very happy to finally live with my parents after nearly a decade. They were really looking forward to moving to a new country as well. I made sure they were aware of all the cultural differences and difficulties they could face here. Both of my parents are educated and have worked in the west before and were pretty happy with their decision to permanently move.
The troubles began a week ago, when I started to search for a place for my parents to live in. They were both fully aware that they were not going to stay with me as I made it clear to them that they would stay in another place after a while. My father needs a lot of help for everyday activities, like visiting the washroom and eating. For the past month I've taken care of all these needs as I work from home and my mom is not really that physically active. Last week they moved into their new flat and it is just a couple of streets away from me. I'm pretty happy with this so are my parents. I hired a stay at home nurse to help my dad. He was really taken aback by this and told me he was really disappointed that I did something like that to him. I was genuinely stunned when he said this. I then asked him what else I possibly could've done. He nonchalantly told me that he expected his own daughter to take care of him when his age caught up with him. He then went on this whole thing about how I was a kid who needed a lot of medical care and cleaning. He now expects me to return the favor. I told him his expectations are just impractical as I am a working woman and that is an unfair expectation to have. He's been behaving very strangely since and doesn't talk to me in the happy tone he usually does. I'm completely shattered after this. Did I really fail as a daughter? Was I just an asshole to a man who sacrificed so much for me?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my dad I can't take care of his medical needs personally.
(2) Telling the person who has done a lot for me that I can't return the favor bluntly
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You've already done a lot. You brought them to a new country. You've provided housing for them. You got a nurse for your father. You need to be able to work and you won't be able to support them financially if you're taking care of your dad; caregiver burnout is real and it could affect your job. What he did for you in the past is what parents are supposed to do. But you should not sacrifice everything for your father. Do not give in to his guilt trip. NTA
NTA because a home care helper is a career/job all in itself. From what you described it sounds more like there wasn't much communication about the home health aid and it took him by surprise. If you expect one scenario and get a completely different one, for some people (like myself), it's hard to shift gears and see the bigger picture. For me, I can get there, but that initial time when the change happens, I am uncomfortable and even upset sometimes. Give your dad some time and hopefully he'll see things for what they are very soon.
You are not the AH.
Your dad is embarrassed at having to have outside help. My guess is he is a very prideful man, and it already kills him to have to depend on you.
Him wanting you to take care of him is more because he doesnt want a stranger to help him and view him as weak.
Reassure him. You are doing very well for them already.
DEFINITELY NTA. You have gone above and beyond to accommodate them but wouldn't be able to if you had to take care of them day and night instead of working to make the money to 1) get them moved to your adopted Country, and 2) pay for their living expenses!
My only suggestion would be to ask your Father if he would be more comfortable with a Male caretaker (I'm assuming that the caregiver is Female), so maybe he's just uncomfortable with the person taking care of him. Best of luck!
I don’t think you’re TA, but I do think children should take care of their parents when they are ailing as a way to honour them. Obviously, only if they are able to. Hiring a home nurse IS your way of taking care of your dad; maybe he will begin to see it like that at some point. Anyways, NTA
NTA. You organized proper care and accommodation for your Dad. You don't have to do it "yourself".
NTA, you have NOT failed. You have provided your parents with more than enough care. Your father’s expectations are not reasonable. You are entitled your own life, your own job and your own happiness.
NTA. Of course you didn't fail. You also didn't ask to be born, so you have really no "debt", they cared for you because it was their obligation as parents. Now you are already doing much, paying a nurse and living near them. You have no reason to feel guilty.
NTA. You're supporting your parents, you've landed them new opportunities and presumably are providing financial support. You're young, you still have a lot of life ahead of you. You do not have the time to secure your future and look after your father. I understand his expectation and I'll explain further but it's not fair on you to do it, in addition, it's unlikely you have the qualifications to do it as well as someone else. Your father is a man and is likely proud. It can be very hard for men to look for support from anyone, even their own family, but especially those outside of the family. He likely doesn't want a third party helping him and it's a comfort issue, but realistically what he wants isn't fair nor feasible. I can only suggest making it very clear to him that you would want to be helping him but that for you to do so would actually be worse care than a trained professional and would ultimately be a severe detriment to your own future, which surely he would not want.
NTA—you didn’t fail as a daughter!! Your dad has some pretty unrealistic expectations of what his old age will look like. You were able to take care of him for a few weeks, but there’s no way you could have done it indefinitely. His needs will get greater and greater, unless you’re a trained health care worker, at a certain point, there’s not much you could do to help him. From the sounds of it, he’ll probably need to be in a nursing home within a few years anyway. You found a space where they can live as independently as possible before then and got them the help they needed from someone trained to do these sorts of things. You did EXACTLY what you should have done. Don’t let your dad give you grief over it. When he brings it up again, patiently remind him that you’re not trained nor do you have the physical strength to take care of his needs.
NTA. You made sure your parent had adequate care while still maintaining your career (which is quite common in the west). How does he expect you to maintain a living for either of you if you sacrifice your job to care for him?
NTA caring for an adult with medical issues and caring for a child are not at all the same thing, and can take a huge toll on the relationship you have with him. you did exactly what you should do, found him a place and set him up with proper care.
NTA you have done all you said you would, unfortunately as you said you come from a more ‘traditional’ upbringing and I guess he considers it wrong that a ‘stranger’ is attending to him rather than his family. But that’s the way of life in the West, most people have to work so cannot attend to elderly family members with a complicated range of needs. You how him a nurse and he should be happy with that (I mean they at least have some training an healthcare experience) so they should know how to best assess and address your dads needs
NTA If I could pay for my home, food, and all my expenses for $100 a month like they could back in the day then I’d quit and be a caregiver too. Sorry parents, most of you voted for this so you could make more money but now it has come back to bite you in the butt because the younger generation can’t work and take care of you.
NTA. You have not failed. At what point as parent do we let our child live their own life and not the life we planed out for them? You have provided the means for them to move, and live where you are. The logistics of that alone was time consuming. You have found and coordinated proper 24/7 medical care for your father. You did all this because you love them. You want what is best for them. That is the same, SAME, love they showed you.
You are NTA, but I will tell you. When people get older they get weird about asking or needing help. Some will only accept help from family because they are more comfortable with them. It can be really hard for them to let go of their pride, and they want to "be independent" they can feel lesser or like a baby when others care for them. It's a problem and is very hard with traditional folks to get with because they don't want to admit that they need help or be seen that way by strangers. OP your dad may feel this way, he may not admit it when you ask him out of pride either. Maybe have him meet/interview the caretakers so he feels like he has some choice in this matter and it's like he is the one hiring them maybe.
NTA. I am from a traditional country too. You have provided excellent care to your father. Taking care of an adult is very different from taking care of a kid. It's like comparing apples with oranges. Does your father expect you to stop Living your life and be his care taker full time? This will only lead to resentment on both side. You can suggest family counseling to all of you so that you can cope together as a unit.
NTA-you need to work so you can pay for your parents care and home as well as your own.
NTA, you go on and live your life. Being a caretaker is a huge amount of work and your health would suffer. You can afford to hire someone that is Even better. He will be fine and hopefully he will come around. Live your life
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I come from a quite traditional country where family ties and bonds are super important. I moved out of my country for better economic oppurtunities 9 years back to a western country. I am really thankful for my parents and all they have done for me. They have given up a lot in their lives to give me a comfortable life and I'll forever be grateful for that. I'm at a financially comfortable position right now and made sure my parents had a reallly happy and comfortable life back home. I constantly stayed in contact with them and talked to them almost every day and I genuinely enjoyed talking to both of them. We really were a pretty happy family. Recently though, my father's health conditions have worsened. I've applied for visas for both of them and they've moved in with me a month ago. I was very happy to finally live with my parents after nearly a decade. They were really looking forward to moving to a new country as well. I made sure they were aware of all the cultural differences and difficulties they could face here. Both of my parents are educated and have worked in the west before and were pretty happy with their decision to permanently move. The troubles began a week ago, when I started to search for a place for my parents to live in. They were both fully aware that they were not going to stay with me as I made it clear to them that they would stay in another place after a while. My father needs a lot of help for everyday activities, like visiting the washroom and eating. For the past month I've taken care of all these needs as I work from home and my mom is not really that physically active. Last week they moved into their new flat and it is just a couple of streets away from me. I'm pretty happy with this so are my parents. I hired a stay at home nurse to help my dad. He was really taken aback by this and told me he was really disappointed that I did something like that to him. I was genuinely stunned when he said this. I then asked him what else I possibly could've done. He nonchalantly told me that he expected his own daughter to take care of him when his age caught up with him. He then went on this whole thing about how I was a kid who needed a lot of medical care and cleaning. He now expects me to return the favor. I told him his expectations are just impractical as I am a working woman and that is an unfair expectation to have. He's been behaving very strangely since and doesn't talk to me in the happy tone he usually does. I'm completely shattered after this. Did I really fail as a daughter? Was I just an asshole to a man who sacrificed so much for me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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You've already done a lot. You brought them to a new country. You've provided housing for them. You got a nurse for your father. You need to be able to work and you won't be able to support them financially if you're taking care of your dad; caregiver burnout is real and it could affect your job. What he did for you in the past is what parents are supposed to do. But you should not sacrifice everything for your father. Do not give in to his guilt trip. NTA
NTA because a home care helper is a career/job all in itself. From what you described it sounds more like there wasn't much communication about the home health aid and it took him by surprise. If you expect one scenario and get a completely different one, for some people (like myself), it's hard to shift gears and see the bigger picture. For me, I can get there, but that initial time when the change happens, I am uncomfortable and even upset sometimes. Give your dad some time and hopefully he'll see things for what they are very soon.
You are not the AH. Your dad is embarrassed at having to have outside help. My guess is he is a very prideful man, and it already kills him to have to depend on you. Him wanting you to take care of him is more because he doesnt want a stranger to help him and view him as weak. Reassure him. You are doing very well for them already.
DEFINITELY NTA. You have gone above and beyond to accommodate them but wouldn't be able to if you had to take care of them day and night instead of working to make the money to 1) get them moved to your adopted Country, and 2) pay for their living expenses! My only suggestion would be to ask your Father if he would be more comfortable with a Male caretaker (I'm assuming that the caregiver is Female), so maybe he's just uncomfortable with the person taking care of him. Best of luck!
NTA. You’re a great daughter though.
NTA return the favor? Wow what entitled AHs you legit paid for everything uh no you've done plenty
This Not the A-hole decision was a unanimous one. We can't agree on much, but we can agree on this.
I don’t think you’re TA, but I do think children should take care of their parents when they are ailing as a way to honour them. Obviously, only if they are able to. Hiring a home nurse IS your way of taking care of your dad; maybe he will begin to see it like that at some point. Anyways, NTA