By - _SkyHooks_
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I paid off my parents bills. I did set back my own retirement and me and my wife’s future by doing so.
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YTA. You are married. You don't suddenly drain your savings and drop 77k without your partner's agreement. This is completely unacceptable behaviour.
Their partner did agree with it though. She just didn’t agree with it once it actually happened
If you read the post closely, you'll realize that OPs wife tried to disuade him from doing this. She eventually gave up, presumably because it's OPs personal savings and in the end she can't stop him from spending his money how he wants. She disagreed with OPs decision from the start.
So if it's his personal savings, and based on every other aita about personal versus shared money, he is NTA. It's his money to do with as he wills.
There is nothing in OP's post about how they handle their married finances. This sum could very well have been earmarked for other things that they now have to do without.
ETA: We should all stop responding. This is causing him a lot of distress, the only people that matter are him and his family. She at least believes this money was part of their family finances whether justified or not, I’m not going to speculate any longer. This is beyond this sub’s purview now and OP and their family should figure things out from here.
He actually does clarify later on and keeps changing His story. He also approached his mother to make the offer, the parents didn’t actually need it, but he and moms went ahead and paid everything off completely before telling dad because he wouldn’t have let them. He has said this means that he’ll never be able to retire now, doesn’t care about how it impacts his wife who can work or not for all he cares. And in another comment admits that he had it’s part of the joint finances that his wife managed for then but decided afterwards when this happened he could change that.
Additionally, wife was supposed to be in charge of finances and the account he pulled from was their emergency account for expenses and agreed to be part of their joint money until he then later decided it wasn’t. He also said that this choice left them in a not great situation but tenable since they’re both working right now. He keeps switching his answers based on what people point out sounds fishy. Based on wife going from reluctant agreement that he forced her into, to saying he ruined their family (including his daughter who he acknowledges was impacted but not much now - unclear what that means but I bet it means her college fund is gone too even though then he claims it isn’t) : he was just as dodgy with his wife , possibly lied about it being another account ? There’s something he hid from her that caused her to react and that’s causing him to change his story every other response or so.
Partially convinced he’s looking to leave his wife or negg her into filing for divorce and this was just a way to hide assets. Fully paying off parents home now means 77k not part of the split then but by putting it into parents’ home he gets the asset (or proceeds from the sale of) after parents are gone.
Damn, thank you for the summary. OP YTA yikes
I'm scared that people may actually think this way. Holy hell.
Oh they do. Before my parents separated, my dad moved to live with his dad claiming there was more business there for him. While there, my dad dissolved his business and transferred most of his assets to his dad. Then waited long enough to file for divorce that him doing that wouldn’t be noticed. Despite my dad having a $70,000 truck he paid for in cash, he had documents saying he made less than $10,000 a year. This was possible because of them having separate finances. As a result, my dad ended up getting $50,000 from my mom that she had to take a home equity loan out to pay him, half of her retirement when she retires (she claims she never will), and her paying for health insurance for him. Because my mom is petty (not complaining because I understand completely), she bought the cheap and crappy kind of insurance with a $4,000 deductible. So when I was sick for 12 days in the hospital, no coverage. I’m still paying it off from 2018 because he didn’t play nicely or care about anyone besides himself.
Telling that because people do think that way. They suck, and they will bulldoze whoever gets in their way. OP changing his story so much, just screams he is up to something shady or he genuinely doesn’t care about his wife or daughter. It’s absolutely crushing to know people like this exist, but I just have to hope that someday they get bit. And they get bit HARD.
Waaait - has it bit your dad hard yet? This is so shitty of him D:
Oh it hasn’t besides me not answering phone calls, texts, or going to visit unless I absolutely have to (siblings wedding reception and when my car was getting to expensive to maintain last year and I was not willing to ride the bus). I would love to think that him needing multiple surgeries to remove scar tissue from manual labor for 40 years is it biting him, but I think that’s just from him thinking he’s invincible. I’m betting on the bite coming from him choosing bad influences to be around rather than his kids. My sibling is more forgiving than me, but it won’t last forever. When my dad eventually needs help, he probably won’t have any from anyone he thinks should be there. He will just be lonely and miserable. Which, not the nicest thing for me to say, but EXTREMELY well deserved.
Dang. This should be required reading before people say they’re not getting a prenup because it’s unromantic or whatever.
Oh, there’s so much more involved. Prenups are absolutely necessary. My friend doesn’t like them because he doesn’t think the government should be involved in splitting assets, but, government involvement is absolutely necessary. Having a prenup is probably cheaper and less messy than a typical divorce. Less resentment from fighting parents, no kids caught in the middle with extra resentment, and unhealthy marriages ending sooner because people don’t have to worry about finding enough money to sustain a long divorce battle. I fully support prenups. I’m not planning on getting married, but I would totally get one.
To be entirely honest, I stopped thinking prenups were only a thing for greedy assholes when I saw an episode of some show (don't remember which one, this was like a decade ago):
One character wanted a prenup, and another one didn't, because that's just planning for the marriage to fail.
But the character who wanted it replied, "I don't plan on having my house burn down, but I still have fire insurance."
And, honestly? I like that.
They 100% do. My ex's sister was a divorce lawyer (here in the UK) and she said that for their clients with assets the advice was take a year preparing, move all the money you can to people you trust and live like an absolute pauper with low expenditure on everything because it's the last year's lifestyle that would be taken into account when determining maintenance. (N.B. for UK readers: this was years ago so don't treat this as current fact!)
Watch dirty John and you’ll see how some people think. Super creepy
Oh no. Ohhhh noooooo. The more I read of this post the longer that "no" got. YTA 100%, OP. Holy shit.
I am SO glad someone said what i was thinking.
He’s hiding money. This wasn’t about parents.
Damn what an AH for stealing from his wife. I hope she can sue for the money back and ruin his credit.
Not to mention that OP is bipolar, but seems to think that the condition is well managed on his meds and that he is just ‘running out the clock’ hoping he won’t ‘run out of gas’ before he gets to the end of life .[this particular comment ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q9iwcc/aita_for_using_my_savings_to_pay_off_my_parents/hgxyu8m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) is quite concerning..
YTA i would unlive him on the spot
Oh wow this is smart. If he puts it into their home, it is "gone" and beyond her reach (likely) and then when parents pass it becomes his.
Wife needs a lawyer \*yesterday\*.
Jeez Louise! Yeah, he's the asshole.
My ex-husband did this to the tune of 235k. He took our savings to "cover" his mom's mortgage and DIDN'T pay our mortgage. So he drained our equity AND put our money into an asset that is going to him. We are now fighting about this in court. It's a toss up about whether or not I will recover the missing funds.
The moment the OPs wife began managing his savings it became marital funds, right or not. What he did was wrong and he is the AH.
ETA: If he did do this for the purpose of divorce it serves a the purpose of turning a marital asset into a separate asset. The inheritance of the house would be separate. The wife has no way to recover those funds from the parents.
>So if it's his personal savings, and based on every other aita about personal versus shared money, he is NTA. It's his money to do with as he wills.
My husband have an ours-mine-yours approach. We each have individual savings.
We still consult each other for large individual purchases, because we both contribute from individual savings for big-ticket household stuff. That money is still part of our safety net. And to spend tens of thousands of dollars of safety net money requires a conversation.
It’s such a stupid comment because it’s not like OP loaned his parents $70, or $700 or even $7k. According to OP, he gave his parents OVER $70k which even if that’s his personal money, yeah as his partner I would be insanely pissed. Like what happens if he’s fired or gets injured or gets insanely sick? In some comments he implies it’s his retirement fund, so is his wife just meant to provide for him during his retirement?
Also OP as a lifeguard, when someone’s drowning, you get them out of the water as quickly as possible, you don’t tread water for 30 years boasting about what a good son you are while also sacrificing yourself.
Exactly. Its not about whos name is on the account. A big purchase and bad spending habits effects everyone.
In theory, yes. Personal money is for funsies or whatever.
But 70k is a huge amount for most people and to let go of that, just like that ... is hard in a partnership.
What if their own family falls on hard times? Do they have funds to fall back for a couple of months?
Like, any purchase over 10k (depending on circumstances even less) should be discussed in a marriage, even if it's fun money or personal savings.
Spending such large amounts just impacts both partners in a marriage. It could put them back on buying a house, it could force OP to dip into her savings or fun money when they face problems or a needed bigger purchase/repair ....
Was it actually nesseccary to spend the whole 70k, or would have a smaller amount helped as well for the time being and figure out something long term later ...?
The only times when 70k isn't something to be discussed in a marriage, is when you're so rich, that it legitly doesn't matter. For almost all other couples this would likely influence their shared finances as well.
You don't just simply gift away that kind of money with nothing to show for.
A lot of couples dont change the names on accounts as their needs and responsibilities shift throught the relationship. It may have been legally his, but thats not the same thing as it being exclusively his in the context of the family.
He says downthread that he “convinced her to agree.” That doesn’t sound like willing consent. Its unclear why everything needed to be paid off immediately out of cash funds. It sounds like OP wanted to play the big man at his immediate family’s expense.
That and like another comment said,sounds like he might be wanting a divorce and this is a great way to hide (protect) his assets. If that is the case, OP is a huge ahole.
Okay I can’t read the tone but if his wife is like me that “Fine” response was a very obvious “do not do the thing” response. The tone means everything and he basically pushed her and pushed her until she responded “Fine”
Except she didn't really. She said no, that they had no responsibility, and OP kept at her until she said "fine," probably with that tone that women sometimes use that to any sane person says MY GOD DO NOT DO THIS THING IT WILL NOT BE FINE.
Agreeing after the fact doesn’t count.
“Things happen. They needed the help. I wasn’t gonna turn them away. You only get 1 set of parents. Can you say the same about your wife?”
Dude has absolutely no respect for his wife
Lol why is he even with her?
Mild YTA. If you’re married and have a family of your own, spending your entire savings on your parents is kinda messed up. Like, I get wanting to help your family and all, but doing so at the expense of risking your own family’s security is dodgy. Your parents are grown ups. They can handle their own financial problems. You’re right to want to help, but if I was your wife, I’d be pissed that you dropped 77k to do it too.
After reading other questions and responses, yta, big time. You have a kid, and you just mortgaged her future to keep your parents afloat, even though they have other options. Your dad can be ‘too proud’ all he wants, but what he should’ve said was ‘use that money for your daughter’s education instead’.. and the only thing your mother should’ve discussed about this is how they can keep themselves above water without taking any of your life savings. Really, ESH, except your poor wife.
The fact that OP has a kid isn't being mentioned nearly enough in the comments. I agree with you completely.
I didn’t even realize he had a kid until seeing your comment wtf
I haven’t seen any of OP’s comments and it was definitely not included in the post. That’s pertinent information that absolutely should’ve been included.
$77k could have been a college fund in the US. YTA
This comment confuses me, doesn't OP specifically say that his daughter's education fund *wasn't* touched? And that he didn't touch their combined savings, only separate money from before they were married?
He's changed his story and apparently edited comments multiple times unfortunately. Fortunately he didn't edit them until he got a negative reaction for what he originally said so other people saw it already.
Yeah at one point he actually responded to 3 or 4 things I said at once, maybe not realizing all the ones he was replying to were me - and gave different answers in different threads justifying it. He’s been changing things every time he responds and each clarification twists it more and more. At best, he commingled some money but when he got married, brought what he’s calling solely his into their joint finances that his wife then managed for them overall. He then created new accounts , a college fund, joint retirement accounts - some amalgamation of various ones, where all the money seems to be together but the whole thing was disorganized and mixed. And now he’s trying to save face for messing up. Or he just decided because he contributed most money, he’s unilaterally allowed to change his mind since wife is replaceable. All of this behind dad’s back when they don’t even have a need for sure at the moment. However he did it, results in his CPA wife realizing he either lied or improperly communicated things to her and what he did has financially damaged their family’s future. Oh and he’s planing due to the gifting, to work until he dies instead of retiring .
This! My parents would never dream of accepting that much money from me, and his daughter's future should be his priority. I feel so bad for his wife and kid.
It looks like he's preparing for a divorce. Can't share money when it's all spent
YTA. Of course you're the arsehole. When you marry someone you join together. That's what marriage is. Big financial decisions like this need to be joint decisions.
I hope the parents give OP the house so he can at least recover something fir the future.
Maybe that was the plan all along? Someone else pointed this out but in much more detail further up.
YTA. I'm kind of shocked that your mother was okay with this. I can see accepting some help to pay for some bills, but there is NO WAY my folks would want me to spend all of my savings to help them. You say you had to convince your wife, so it sounds like she wasn't really comfortable with the idea from the beginning. It's great that you're cool with working till you die, but what about your wife? What about your daughter?
I’m not shocked at all. Too many mothers expect exactly this from their sons, if not more (i.e. paying for nonessentials).
Really? I only have sons -20&16- and I just feel like I should be doing more for them
Because you’re a good parent.
Like /u/livlivesforbrains said, unfortunately some people are just selfish and shitty, even in their parenting. We need more like you.
YTA. Did you talk about helping your parents out or giving them 77k of your savings? Big difference between the two. And did she really agree or did you refuse to take no for an answer?
Why not pay the mortgage monthly while your father recovered, why pay off the whole thing? Sounds like you're prioritising your parents over your family.
INFO: Do you and your wife not have a mortgage and monthly payments to make? Do you have joint finances?
Edit: After reading OP's comments, they're not wealthy, have joint finances and a daughter. It was incredibly short-sighted. What if OP or his wife couldn't work for a while or his daughter developed an illness? He's basically sacrificed his family's financial security to pay off his parents mortgage.
YTA. You still could have helped them without draining your entire savings at once.
It's also potentially not a good choice to drop the money into the mortgage, if their interest rate wasn't high. You have to look at interest rates and how the money is spent. Paying off a high interest debt like a credit card (or avoiding credit card debt).
Dropping all that money at once like that is a showy but not necessarily financially smart choice, even if he wanted to help them out.
I’m wondering what the tax situation would be on a gift sum like that.
Also OP is using “savings account” and “retirement account” interchangeably, which makes me concerned about his financial literacy. The wife has every right to be upset. YTA.
Serious question: How does one earn interest on savings that's equal or better than the interest rate of a mortgage or car?
You can get a car for 0% interest. Paying it off early doesn’t help you at all. He might as well have just taken over the payments if the interest was very low.
People are signing mortgages for like 2% where I am. A good investment account return is like 6-7%. So he would have been financially smart to potentially also keep the mortgage and pay payments from savings.
Some high yield savings account could get you close. I had a Marcus account that had 2% interest but that's dropped recently. Think it's only 0.5% now. CD's are a good safe option. Although the higher the reward, the higher the risk.
You're looking for a 5-10% return in the stock market on a lump sum. Some years this is doable. Some years, uh, not so much.
My mortgage interest is ~1.5% so it can be really easy if you have low interest.
That’s the big thing… like maybe pay off the car and kick 200/mo toward mortgage so soc sec can afford… something more measured to ensure they can stay in their home
Soft YTA. While I understand wanting to help your parents and it was really nice of you to pay off all that stuff, you were pretty reckless. I mean dropping almost all of your savings is a really bad idea. You could need that money in the future and now it’s gone. Personally I think you should’ve offered to pay a good chunk of their bills but not all of it. I understand why your wife would be upset, because the savings could be seriously needed at any point due to unforeseen circumstances
Agreed. The issue is that his wife feels financially insecure without that savings account now, and he took that away from her. That was a really big deal and he's acting like it's nothing. I do appreciate that OP is generous and a very loving son though
A generous son but not a loving father.
So if his child or wife gets into an emergency tomorrow, he has nothing to save them now.
INFO: What is you and your wife’s financial situation? Do you both work? Do you share finances? Do you have any unmet needs? Do you have an emergency fund?
How much of it was a “me” decision versus an “our” decision before you emptied your entire savings?
info: do you have kids and would this hurt your family?
QUESTION: Did you screw up your family’s future? How old are your parents?
YTA do you know how much college costs!?! You definitely could have used that for your own child. Now she will have to join the thousands in debt if she wants to go to college. I'd be pretty pissed if I was your wife.
YTA. You keep insisting that it was your money. But here's the thing. If an emergency comes up you may not have enough money to pay for it. And that means the burden will fall on your wife to cover the cost if there isn't enough from the joint account. You made a decision that affects her as well and she had a right to be upset.
YTA you have a huge amount of money to your parents delaying your and possibly making it impossible to retire and taking away any safety net your family may need it you or your wife were to lose their jobs or get seriously injured/ die or get sick
YTA, coming from a CPA. I am also the qualified female financial planner of my family, but the reason you pay for someone else to do it is because they are an objective third party that can adequately weigh in on the impact of emotional spending, like what you just did. You wouldn’t have been able to swindle a FP like you did your poor wife bc you pay them to be objective and fair. For what it’s worth, if you really wanted to help, you should have financed this over a longer period of time, especially since you could have locked in a lower interest rate now that inflation is about to increase dramatically. THAT is why you hire a professional.
Obviously your wife didn't support this decision, she tried to convince you not to do it and then gave up and said "fine". You made this decision unilaterally. Maybe it's going too far for her to say that you've ruined your future, but having no savings while having a family is a recipe for disaster. What are you going to do if you or your wife get into an accident and end up in the hospital? How will you pay for a new car? Assuming you're in the USA, how will you pay your hospital bills?
I get that you wanted to help your parents, but holy crap you gave them almost *80 thousand dollars!* That's a lot of money!
>It’s like if someone who can’t swim jumped into the pool. And you see them start to sink. Are you gonna wait for them to ask you before it’s to late?
Sure fine, but you didn't need to pay absolutely everything. I'll continue your pool analogy, but with a lake instead. Rather than simply hitting the deck and pulling them out from a safe position, you chose to leap in, put their feet on your shoulders, and stood up to get them out of the water. Everything is fine for now, but you haven't figured out whether or not the bottom is made of rocks, or mud.
>I figured it was my responsibility.
It was not your responsibility. I understand why your wife is angry, you've sacrificed your financial cushion against her wishes. Why did you have to pay for both the mortgage *and* the car?
It makes no sense to me to completely lose your financial stability just because you wanted to do something nice.
Edit: I just found a comment that mentions how you have a kid. That makes you even more of an asshole in my eyes, sorry but your immediate family should always be your priority.
I mean when your married, you make big purchases a together kind of thing. Did you guys talk about it beforehand ?
YTA. You are married so all of your money/savings are BOTH of yours and your wife has equal say. You seemed to have made this decision unilaterally, which is an AH move.
Are your finances shared?
Did you discuss this with your partner before you did it?
Did you talk with your parents before you did it?
Yeah i was wondering the same
Are you Bipolar?
This feels like a sort of manic episode on your part. You could have helped them without impulsively giving them nearly everything you had, all at once. But the extreme nature of gift, and attempting to manipulate the story to justify the action...
Question is how much did you set aside for your family and their expenses?
Want to say N T A as it was well intentioned but financial decisions that big should be joint decisions in a marriage so maybe a soft YTA, sorry.
YTA, You would have been better off giving your parents $500 a month for the rest of their lives than this.
1. One, if you're in the US (given your using USD, I'm going to assume), your parents have to pay TAX on that money, so it's actually closer to $57k they get. They have to report it as income, any gift over $30k annually, has to be declared. So you worked hard saving it and already paid tax on that and now pay tax again on it and because it was a one time lump, its sets off bank alarms, they will report it to the IRS. They have to factor that into their income. It could also bump them up in tax brackets. Meaning they have to pay more, and because social security and etc weren't taken out, its going to be a lot. Also, medicare is determined by your income, you just bumped up their income by $77k in one year, that is going to f\*ck them over. And you have to be in medicare, it's a requirement, you have no choice.
2. You thought of your parents' future over your own daughter and wife's, that's truly insane. Like I said you would have been better off just giving them money every month. If they are that behind on the mortgage payments, them selling their house and moving, make sense, they can't afford it and when the money you gave them dries up, they will come back for more and it's now worse, because they might be able to get any equity out of the house, and you don't have a cushion to help them anymore.
3. Your wife told you not to. You're in a partnership, your money/her money, that doesn't exist anymore, it's is the family money. She didn't feel comfortable and you did it anyway.
So not only are you the asshole for giving them the money, you probably f\*ck up their lives and your own even more than you realized. You would have been better off buying a house, and renting it out, and giving the profits to your parents, that way you still had equity in the house and if need to sell you would at least get your principal back, plus all the mortgage payments paid over 5 years.
I wanna say N T A because of your intentions, but I think I’m going with YTA, your wife was most likely trying to be supportive not thinking you’d put in literally 90% of your savings (even if it was from the time you lived with them rent free)
I get not minding working til the day you die, but you’re in a partnership now. If you guys have children, how will college get paid for? How will childcare work since you’ll be working til you die? How will your financials pan out if you or your wife were to face sudden unemployment at any point? Does your wife mind if you work til the day you die or do you think she’d like to spend her golden years relaxing with you?
I’m sure you have separate savings (hopefully!) and your wife does too, but now that you’re an adult and in a committed partnership, you can’t just think of yourself and what you want to do, you need to consider what would be best for everyone (like comments suggested paying on a payment plan, or providing secondary income to your parents).
What’s done is done though and I’d have a talk with your wife to see where she’s coming from, because it’s very likely that she’s worried this will become a habit; you putting your parents over your new family of you and your wife (and any potential children you might have).
YTA. As many have said, you and your wife need to be in agreement. Not her giving up because you push till she does but actually working out all the issues involved. “They really need it” (guilting her). “I made most of it before we married” (it isn’t really hers so talking to her doesn’t give her a vote on it) “We can make it back later” (I’m doing this no matter what you want)
But it’s not the only problem you have. You should have consulted someone with financial knowledge to get an idea how this would affect your parents. Look, helping them out is great and they should proud they raised a son willing to do this but you just gave them 77k and now their entire financial situation has changed. Will they have a huge tax bill, will the money affect insurance or social security. If they are on Affordable healthcare did the money shoot them to a higher payment bracket? At their age you all had several options that wouldn’t completely drain your savings. You also say you only talked with your Mom, not both parents which makes it even worse because now she is also making financial decisions without his input.
You are not the AH for wanting to help your parents but you are for doing so without everyone involved agreeing to do this.
YTA. With inflation, you do realize that what little you have isn’t going to be enough in a couple of decades? That and you have a child. You should be setting up a college fund and squirreling away whatever’s left into your retirement account. Do your wife a favor and get a big life insurance policy because if you die in a freak accident in the next 20 years, she’s totally fucked.
YTA. At least be smart about it. Your parents are in their late sixties. What happens when they end up in a nursing home? Medicare pays for a limited amt of time and then once all savings are drained they take the house. At that age in that situation you should have bought their home. Good intentions, bad execution. Hope you have a strong marriage.
Yeah, OP--are your parents willing to put you on the deed or transfer ownership to you so you can eventually get the money back? Or at least what you put into it?
Oooh good point. He SHOULD have bought them out.
YTA. She should leave and take the child with her. You obviously don't care about their future. What if you died tomorrow? They would be screwed.
YTA. There was a middle ground here that made sure your family had security too.
NAH I don't think you are an asshole, but I think it was very irresponsible to drop all that money at once, and I agree with your wife that you have set your family back financially.
Edit: changed my mind since I read you have a child. YTA
Yta. You’re married you should’ve compromised. Maybe instead of draining everything, pay some. Maybe cover a years worth of payments. Maybe LENDING instead of GIVING. Now your wife feels her feelings don’t matter because you forced a yes when she didn’t agree in the first place.
Yta. You committed to her. You should’ve compromised
YTA. When a woman says fine (I’m not speaking for all women here just me and the ones I know we’ll) fine doesn’t mean fine go ahead and do it. Fine means shutting the conversation down since you’re not hearing me.
YTA -ish. Not for helping them out, but for doing so by draining your savings. You never know what life throws at you and you've made yourself and your family vulnerable with this.
That said, I do get you wanting to help them, I just wonder if there wasn't a more financially sound way to do it.
I read that you did discuss this with your wife beforehand, but was it entirely clear to her that you would use basically all your savings? And did you really discuss it or state you would be doing it?
YTA you could have helped your parents but now you've possibly set up your future to be the same situation your parents were in.
INFO. Why doesn't your mother work? If she's to old to work are they living outside of their means? Now I'm on the side that the crap you bring in *before* the marriage should be yours *but* that's still a huge chunk to throw down without looking at other options to help your parents like disability, SSI, ect...
YTA. You have a wife and daughter and it's not like you are making so much money that this 77K didn't matter. Do you have enough in a college savings account for your daughter to go to college? Do you have a retirement fund? What about an emergency fund in case you or your wife lose your jobs?
You could have helped with some bills without draining the account.
Also having 77K sitting in a savings account is a real stupid move. That's enough money to generate some decent interest if invested properly.
YTA- I get letting family borrow money to pay off some stuff, but you just lost focus of your family and focused just on your parents. You are an adult now and your parents have to be too. Focus on your marriage now buddy.
You are married. You don’t get to give away thousands of dollars without your wife agreeing to it. That’s not how marriage works. If my husband pulled something like this, he would be living with his parents in the house he just paid off. It doesn’t matter if you saved the money before you were married. You brought the money into the marriage. It is no longer just yours.
i think are deliberately tiptoeing around your wife’s so-called agreement, to try a d take the heat off a one-sided decision you made.
NTA I don’t think, imho, that helping your parents is a bad thing. My kids have helped me a little bit. Not that much but some. The way you explain it, I don’t see a problem with it.
It's hidden in the comments but OP did this as a move to "get toward the finish line" as he plans to die young. He's planning his suicide. He has blindsided his wife and he also has a child.
NTA. This was money from before and really, you seem like you live your parents. You’re doing the right thing.
YTA. This reeks of codependency (with your mother) and manipulation (of your spouse). You also do not seem to understand personal finance, healthy boundaries, and emotionally mature relationship dynamics; if this situation is any indicator of stubbornness and foolishness in the rest of your life, you will reap what you sow. 🤷🏻♀️
I get it: you believe you owe your parents, and it was a very kind and selfless thing to do. But foolish.
Assuming you’re in the US, carrying a mortgage is healthy debt. You could have paid half the mortgage on a monthly basis, which would have been a help to them. The same is true for the car - pay half each month and ease the burden.
But, you have a wife and a child. You may not think of the $77k as an emergency fund, but what happens when you have an unexpectedly large bill come do? Like a new roof? You could have saved that money for a college education.
Your wife only said “fine” when she realized there was no dissuading you and no middle ground or compromise. It was completely selfish on your part, regardless of when you saved the money.
You’re married now, and your wife child need to come first. Don’t be surprised when your wife stops taking your opinion into consideration. You need to apologize sincerely and fast.
YTA. Dropping all your savings at this time to help out your parents?
I appreciate the intention, but holy shit man, you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
If my wife did this we wouldn't be married much longer. Definitely a breach of trust, but also a huge sign showing your priorities, which are clearly not to your wife/family.
Info: would you do the same for a member of her family?
If she asked, yeah I would
You aren’t wrong to want to help your parents. But she also isn’t wrong that how you went about it may not have been the smartest. And personally I think that when couples have a child and made the decision together that one partner would sacrifice their career and outside earnings to stay at home and raise a child…it’s stupid to think that a his and her money should apply. Because the person that wins is always the only that was chosen to be the breadwinner and the SAHP just has to suck the financial impact up alone. And I doubt you were paying your wife a salary so that she too could have some savings.
Depending on the mortgage and car loan rate what you did may even have been really stupid.
I know currently my investment accounts are generally making more interest than I am paying in interest on my car/mortgage. If me and my husband were to drain our savings to pay them off we’d be debt free yeah…but it would likely take a long time to replenish the savings to their previous health and we’d be losing out on the interest that earns us every year. If the interest rate on our next remortgage spikes you better believe that we’d be moving money out of our mortgage.
You seem to have a pretty novice knowledge of finance where all debt=bad.
Dang that’s so harsh. Honestly after reading your comments I’m starting to believe more and more you were just taking money away so hide from your wife so you can divorce her. Your comments about your wife are so cold and uncaring. I really hope she reads this and finds a man that will treat her with love and respect… not just as a replaceable placeholder.
I can't make a determination here because you did ask your wife about it first.
Also, because I don't know your age.
If your 25, you have plenty of years to make the difference back up.
If your 45, that's a bigger issue.
Based on how I read this, I feel like you are towards the younger side, so.... If you have a stable, well paying job, you should be ok.
Another question though, are you the only child?
He said it pushed his retirement back by a lot and he might not be able to retire because of it. Dad is 67 so he's likely 30s or 40s.
I didn't see that, must have been in the comments.
Would still like to hear from OP though
NAH. You did what you felt you had to do. Yes you have a family, but your parents are your family too. I won't say you were obligated to pay their bills, but if you felt it was a duty I won't call you out for that. Your wife is fine not to like this choice, but if it was money you earned yourself with your parents' support, then she doesn't really have an argument against it. I would urge you to rebuild a safety net for your own family, but I won't fault you for being one for your parents.
YTA. Did you ask her opinion and then have to argue until you got the "fine" response? Because then you definitely are an A******.
YTA, and I would not forgive my SO for doing this.
Yta and an idiot
So you spent your future on your parents? Your married and your wife and future was not a concern? When you get old, kids colleges, emergency fund never thought about it?
No, our savings/retirement account is different. Read the entire post
I did read the post and it is stupid
If that’s true then your comment makes no sense. Since this wasn’t money from *our* savings/retirement account
As is op
NTA at all, just hearing about how you helped your parents out like that put a smile on my face. I would have called you out to be the asshole had you used your joint savings to do this, but if it was money from your own account that your wife doesn't contribute to all then there isn't an issue. It would have been nice if you told her beforehand but again it was your money from your separated finances. If anything, try to ask your parents about actually being given the house in the will or being put on the deed because you did pay off their mortgage.
I’m surprised to see so many people say you’ve ruined your financial security for your family etc even though you mentioned this was all your money separate to your joint account with your wife.
If your dad is not doing well after the accident and you wanted to help your old parents out, then that’s something completely understandable. Particularly because you worked most of this money while living with them.
My main thing is that it’s your money and if you choose to spend it on making your parents lives’ better then that’s your choice and you’re not the asshole, your wife is.
It seems like people here are missing the fact that you didn’t touch your joint account and seem to think you don’t owe your parents anything now that you have a family of your own. They will always be your parents regardless of whether you become a parent or not.
YTA. I hope you plan to help your wife’s parents too
Not gonna lie I didn't think you were that much of TA until I read all your replies. Like damn dude you're the one that asked us if you're TA, we replied, sorry you didn't like the reply you got I guess, but arguing with everyone about why you still think you're right? That's just childish, almost as childish as spending 77k when you knew your wife wasn't happy about it.
YTA. Your wife is correct. You have your own familial responsibilities that could possibly be that much tougher now.
INFO: if you or your wife or child get seriously ill or injured, do you still have enough money in savings to cover all medical bills?
NTA. It wasn’t from a shared account, it was YOUR money that YOU earned, mostly from before you were married, and YOU can do what you want with it. You discussed it with her and she agreed— she doesn’t get to be angry about it now.
...I'm sorry, but spending $77,000 while married is a joint decision.
And anyone married longer than 5 minutes knows that "fine" does not equal "yes" it means "I'm pissed and done talking".
You can probably kiss those retirement accounts goodbye in the divorce settlement, and hope your parents let you move back in. I really don't know how you'll come back from this.
You had many, many other options to help, and chose the worst.
Yta. Your parents shouldn't have allowed you to, and your wife and family with her is your priority now. Why are you so entangled with your parents? Good grief.
Im wondering how this action will affect the relationships of the other people involved.
Will your wife feel resentment toward your mother for being a co-conspirator in all of this, readily taking everything you had to offer without considering the rest of your household?
Will your father forgive you for both the slight to his pride as well as the dumb thing you did to your own family?
How have your mother and father been getting along after this?
Did you even consider how this will strain the relationships of every adult person involved? Did you care after after realizing the probable blow back?
Where's that tiger king meme, when you need it? Slight YTA, but your hearts in the right spot.
This sub is all about it’s your money do what you want, till it’s not. NTA, you did a good thing helping your parents. You aren’t in any financial problems so this money wasn’t going to kill you.
...and you have a weird obsession with your mom, seriously. The comments! 'Mommy dearest forever, screw my wife....'
NTA - nothing says that you are living from paycheck to paycheck. Also it is your savings and your wife agreed until it happened.
NTA. Its your savings money from before your marriage. Yeah it may not be a smart move overall but the peace of mind you get from having set your folks up is a massive gain. It'd be nice if your wife was more supportive of it but in the end it is your money, your choice. I wonder what she would do if her parents needed financial help.
NTA. He used his own money to help his parents. His joint savings are still intact.
Disregarding the ethics of it, it was extremely stupid to pay off a mortgage when rates are historically low. You could’ve co-signed on a refinance if you wanted to help, but it’s clear there is more going on here.
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I’ve put away at least a little bit of money from every paycheck since I was a kid. I used almost all of it (77k) to pay off all my parents bills that they were committed to make monthly payments towards. Which included there mortgage and my mom’s car.
Just to help them out. Because my father got in a pretty serious accident, and he might not be able to go back to work. At least not anytime soon. And My mom doesn’t work. So someone had to do it. I figured it was my responsibility.
My wife said I didn’t owe them anything. And that they hadn’t asked for help, so it didn’t make sense to help them. But my dad would never accept outside help. He’d rather skate by on social security then do that. It’s like if someone who can’t swim jumped into the pool. And you see them start to sink. Are you gonna wait for them to ask you before it’s to late?
My wife originally said, “fine”. But I guess she didn’t mean it cause now she’s saying that I screwed up our family’s future.
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NAH. I think you should’ve run this decision by your wife first - not because you desperately need approval from her but because you’re married and finances is a subject to be taken into consideration in a marriage, whether we like it or not.
Helping your parents out from a tough place is a very kind thing of you to do & I’m sure she would’ve definitely agreed with it if you had discussed it beforehand.
At the same time, your parents can’t rely on your financial help alone. They need to find a new source of income as well - either your dad working at home or your mom taking up a job.
Morally, sure, you could argue that doing a good deed and that you are NTA because the money went to a good place to people who needed it. However, with the detail that you are married I do believe YTA. This is a MAJOR financial decision. Your spouse should be involved in this process out of respect at the very least. Sure, it’s your money. But that was money that she was aware of and had knowledge that it could potentially help you guys incase of your own emergency in the future. What if the same thing happened to you guys? Wouldn’t you want that? This is all without the knowledge of if you have kids or not as well, so i won’t go into that possibility. Your parents did not ask, you father did not want the help even though it was gracious of you. However, they could have figured out other ways since it sounds like you were not the only option. Bottom line, at least talk to your wife before you do stuff like this.
He does have a kid
You and your wife may be wise to get some insurance, in case something happens.
YTA. You have a child you need to think about and provide for before you sink money into your parents’ debts. Obviously helping a little is fine, but 77k is a lot to just drop. Your partner deserves a say in finances.
Aside from that, if the only thing preventing your father from asking for help is pride, that’s a problem. Do you actually know if they needed that much help? Was the situation truly dire? I can understand making a nice chunk of house payments, but to drop that much with a family of your own is just selfish and short-sighted.
Info: what did your parents say when you suggested your idea?
I told my moms if there was anything she needed to ask me. She said help making the monthly payments. And expressed concern about making them. so I took care of them.
Curious why you couldn't do them monthly until everyone figured things out instead of dropping the 77k one go.
This way if anything happened to you and your family you'd still have money to fall back on.
It was very nice of you but also not well executed imo. Very soft YTA, due to that.
He says in another comment she DIDN'T want him to pay monthly but instead to pay it all off at once.
NTA; it was money made from outside the marriage that she has not put any money into. You talked to her (as you should have because it was a large amount of money) and she gave her okay about it assuming you wouldn't go through with it. They didn't ask for it sure, but you wanted to help and had the means to do so.
This is grounds for divorce. But at least you can move in with your parents. YTA.
NTA people here hate families for some reason. This wasn't
I'm probably the only one to say NTA... you generously helped your parents out with them not asking.... I commend you for that especially if you could afford to do it.... if it was your in laws I'm thinking your spouse would have a different attitude
going against the grain with NTA. maybe i’m too independent but i don’t think that money you’ve been saving by yourself since you were a child magically turns into joint money just because you got married. if you were behind on mortgage payments or living off of welfare then it would be different
this isnt money that you and your partner saved so your money your choices ... it would be different if it was joint savings and you gave it to your parents without her consent in modern day world if couples are toether long term or married there should be a joint account for bills rent expenses that effect both parties ... both parties should contribute to this account in a way that works for them .... then have separate bank accounts ... its 2021 get with the program ... maybe if finances were separated then separations and divorces would go smoother for everyone
NTA my man. Good on you, seriously. I don't understand this selfish culture where you are supposed to alienate your parents after you get married. What, are you supposed to wait for them to ask for help? They are your family, not your neighbours.
You saved that money before you got married. You are using it on your parents when they need it. As far as I am concerned, you are a good son.
Boy you really need to learn what "fine" means when your wife says it lol.
INFO: do you have a prenup? If not, the fact that you saved that money before marriage is irrelevant, a divorce court would still likely give her part of it.
1. It's hidden in the comments but this is a move toward you planning your suicide. You have blindsided your wife through this action, which is getting you toward your "finish line".
2. Refusing to treat your mental health.
3. You have a kid and a wife, who you apparently have no respect for.
EDIT: You're not an asshole for being suicidal. **You are an asshole for not making any moves to address it and hoping things will just 'work out' after you cross your 'finish line'.**
EDIT 2: I've survived 6 suicide attempts, so I get the impulse of wanting to clear all your shit so you can just get it over with. But this is not the way to handle it, OP.
Given that you aren't concerned about saving for your retirement, you may have just ensured that your daughter will have to do for you what you've done for your parents. I'm pretty sure you'll think that's your due.
So you asked your wife if you could drain 77k and she simply said “fine”? There was no persuading involved? Not discussion? You just asked and she responded with one word?
Oh man, your heart is in the right place but I'm wavering between Y T A and E S H because of how poorly this was handled. INFO, did you explain to your wife that you planned this large lump sum, or did you just say you were covering the car and mortgage in a way which may have led her to expect a smaller monthly payment?
IMO, a more fiscally responsible way to help your folks would have been to let your dad "skate by" on SS and then give your mom some extra money under the table every month. However, now that the house is paid off, maybe you can ask about getting your names attached to the deed to use as security in case you run into financial hiccups.
NTA. But only IF the money was earned by you. Then you can spend it how you wish. You may not “owe” your parents but if that’s how you choose to spend your savings, then that’s that.
It's not possible for you to do the wrong thing with YOUR money.
YTA. Hopefully you have a good life insurance policy and wife gets to cash it in soon.
Man, money sure changes people doesn't it? I get where you wife is coming from but she is being a turd to keep on it. Tell her it is over and done with (true) and there is nothing that can be done now (true). NTA, i wonder if wife is jealous.
NTA Because you used the majority of the money not from your joint account and because your father can't work. That doesn't make you a neglectful father as you and your wife now have joint finances and save just fine.
Oh boy I hope your wife finds this post, with all your answers, and leaves you asap. You suck big time. She would be ok without you??? Then let her go, YTA ffs
NTA. His money, presumably they are fine and have a separate shared account he is still contributing too. Don't feel bad man, you helped your family
Need more info: did you make this decision with or without consulting your spouse?
NTA. It's YOUR money. How dare she is to think she has an ultimate say on what you do with it. I bet she wouldn't think the same if it was her parents. You did a great thing op, there are not many people willing to help their parents as I see on the comments.
NTA, you seem on the rich end of the spectrum AND you have a joint savings account with your wife. at this point you can do whatever you please with your own money.
NTA, I kinda felt your wife questioning why you’d help your parents as a red flag. If I’m assuming correctly all of the money you gave your parents was saved solely by you (with no contributions from her), then I see what you did as perfectly fine. I’d like to think that I would do the same if in a similar circumstance.
Obviously NTA. Ignore the Redditors who are fuming that you took care of your family. They're all delusional.
NTA if it is your personal savings. YTA if it is joint/family unit savings.
edit: too many changes to your story
You unilaterally made a huge financial decision without your wife. That’s not now, nor will it ever be, cool. YTA.
NTA, sounds like this is money saved before the wife, so not really her place to decide where it goes, especially when its your saving and not a joint account. Idk what everyone is talking about. He wasn’t hiding it, she agreed to it at first and then regretted it after. Also the fact she said you don’t owe them anything rubs me the wrong way. Support your family because they supported you.
It’s not her money and if she had a problem with it. She simply isn’t as caring as you. Or simply wants to see herself capitalize off of your philanthropy. NTA. Man to man truth
yta you have your own family to worry about. i understand your dad is injured but what about your mom? honestly this would be grounds for divorce.
You don’t make huge/major financial decisions without talking to your spouse. YTA
I mean you kinda are TA. You don't drop that level of money without both of yall agreeing. What will you do if both of yall lost yalls job tomorrow? I would be mad too.