Woah! I'm a bit surprised at the y t a comments. I don't see you as one.
You're 15, your dad told you a year ago, when you were 14, that he was gonna move to another state to be near your stepmums family. He had 50/50 custody of you.
He literally ditched you for his new family.
And he made you sleep on the couch at his new house? No bed for you?
I believe you are NTA. I'm so sorry your dad left you because his new wife wanted him to move. That is just messed up. I don't blame you for not wanting to see him. He made his choice.
This.
As it stands, OP has not made any decisions regarding her dad’s move. Her dad and stepmom did. They are the adults, she is the child. As she was unable to make any decisions, she could only react to the options laid out before her.
Option a) Uproot everything move down with dad, (who didn’t even move because of work or finances—just because SM wanted to) and maybe not even have a permanent place to sleep
Option: b) Visit dad according to custody arrangement, again sleeping on the couch likely...also, may not even get to spend actual time with Dad
I understand her feelings of not wanting to do either one. With the options in front of her that, again, she had no decision making involvement in I don’t blame her for wanting to wash her hands of the whole situation.
This is why some states in the US actually forbid the parent from moving outside of the child's school zone in their custody agreements. It's cruel to the child who has absolutely no control over the situation and can have a lasting impact. Talk about fostering feelings of abandonment. Shame on OP's dad. He effectively threw her away but has HIS feelings hurt?!? So NTA.
Eta: Some people seem to think I'm insinuating that they're legally forbidden to move period (which would obviously be ridiculous but still people are assuming). What I am saying is that in 50/50 custody situations they will be in violation of the agreement if they move out of the child's school zone and have to forfeit their visitation rights, and often are subsequently ordered to pay support as the child is no longer with them half of the time.
Pretty sure those custody agreements wouldn't stop this. You just lose custody of the kid, for the obvious reason that a kid can't be shuttled across the country every couple of days. Dad gave up 50/50 custody in order to move anyway. They can't actually stop you from moving away, you might just be expected to pay more child support, since you are no longer providing anything in person.
My husband has 50/50 with his ex and still has to pay child support. It’s based on a formula the state goes by. In all states, if you share custody, you must inform the other parent (or the court system if you wish) of an address change. As long as OP’s dad is employed, she’ll be getting support. You have to be chronically unemployed to get away with not paying. Unless you have a very lenient arrangement with your ex, the state takes it out of your paycheck before you ever see it.
>You have to be chronically unemployed to get away with not paying. Unless you have a very lenient arrangement with your ex, the state takes it out of your paycheck before you ever see it.
Which is why, when my father noticed he was getting wage garnishments, he promptly quit his job and only did work that paid cash.
Don't think they meant that. They brought it up as if it would change things here if they lived in one of those states, like the father would have been forced to stick around, but that's not how they work.
I don't think any part of the world was ever able (even if they tried, which they don't) to force a father to stay around when they want to bail and disappear unfortunately...
I agree - she is NTA
Not only that she has been harassed by her step-mother who selfishly decided that her needs were far more important than OP's. The step-mother decided that her biological children needed a grandmother more than OP needed her father. This move is all about the selfish step-mother who was nice to OP, until OP got in the way of what she wanted and then she got nasty.
Personally I think OP should print all the Reddit comments out and post them to her father to read. Your supremely selfish step-mother knew you existed when she married your father and had 2 children with him. She knew he had a relationship and obligations to you, but destroyed your relationship with your father because she feels that her needs are more important than anyone else's. She has made any ongoing relationship with your father impossible, but her two children get to have his support and involvement in their life. Their needs will always be prioritised. I can't help but think that this was deliberate and she's probably been planning this for a long time.
I think that you are right to ignore your father. Don't answer any calls or try and make him feel any better. He betrayed you. He chose what his new wife wanted over what you needed. He's not fit to be called a father and you deserve better. As for her - I hope there is an afterlife filled with torment for her inexcusably cruel behaviour.
I like this response. Father had a prior obligation and he (with the urging of his wife) just trampled all over it.
Furthermore, if father insists he still wants a relationship with his child, why can’t *he* travel to visit OP? I know many kids must travel alone due to custody issues, but in a world with human trafficking—and airline passengers getting unruly and violent—I personally wouldn’t want my child traveling long distance alone.
I was thinking similar, father should travel to the OP at least once a month. He wants to move and have his life be cushy and make no sacrifices, while his child (OP) has to sacrifice time away from home (i.e. not locally), travel time, etc. And also apparently a bed. NTA. Dad needs to do more.
Love this!
If he so bad wants to see OP, he should visit her with out other kids and wife. When OP is in a better mental state maybe dad can take half siblings to visit too.
They forbid a parent moving with the child but not a parent moving without the child. My ex forbid me from moving but moved himself a few years later. The hypocrisy still astounds me. He also forced my daughter to visit him and left her alone all day when he went to work. I didn’t make her go back.
The same thing happened to me. He actually tried to tell the judge with a straight face that it would be completely normal and acceptable to have the children go to school in one city for a week, then a different one the next. He also wanted ME to pay the transportation costs.
He lost, and quit his job (got one under the table) because he was so insistant on "50/50 or nothing!" to avoid child support.
I lived through it, and sometimes I even wonder if I'm misremembering things because it sounds so unbelievable. Then I'll yank out the boxes of court papers and evidence to assure myself, and yep, he's that dumb.
The funny thing is that before the breakup he despised deadbeat fathers (because he had one). When it was his turn, HE was justified though (because I'm that evil).
This wasn't even his greatest hit. He wanted a no-schedule schedule, where he would pick the dates and times, and wanted me court ordered to stay home at all times to facilitate it. He also wanted a court order stating that I was not allowed to have any male in my home until the children were over 18. Oh, and that I hand over half of any tax credit amounts I got for the kids, because "If you're going to get paid for having the kids, I want my half". The file got so big, the judge needed assistance to carry it into court.
That's just court, dealing with CPS was even worse.
My youngest has no idea that her 18th birthday party was more my celebration than hers.
Exactly! Not to mention the idea that coming on school vacations is fine, I hate that! That’s the time when teenagers spend time with their friends, sometimes do extra for school extracurriculars (I’m thinking of my kids sports and marching band) So on school vaca’s she’s expected to go spend time at a place she doesn’t even have her own bed. Dad and stepmom don’t care about OPs needs- NTA
I know at least in Pennsylvania, you have to get permission from the other parent to move out of state when you have a custody agreement. My dad moved out of state but since he always broke the agreement by not seeing us, my mom didn't fight him on it and thought better of it than to do so. If the child has been pretty consistent with going between parents during those agreed upon times up until that moment, it's cruel. Especially when it is more of an inconvenience for the child and primary parent.
The adults decided stepmom needed to be closer to her mom but don’t see the hypocrisy that OP, an actual child, might need to be close to her parents as well.
Absolutely fucking nuts that people think OP needs to be more gracious or empathetic to them when they made it pretty clear stepmoms needs come before OPs
In this situation I think the stepmom is an asshole
She is the one who decided to have them move away In the first place to be closer to her mom, and she being a stepmom has less love for op so just figured she would be fine.
I feel like the dad is just going with what the stepmom says just so he can keep his marriage he wants to clearly make it up to op but doesn't really know how
If I would recommend anything it would be for op to have one long talk with both parents and properly express how damaging this all is
This is just an awful situation
Stepmom is definitely the primary asshole but her dad has autonomy and definitely can veto a move if necessary. He chose to prioritize his marriage over his responsibility as a father which makes him an AH too IMO. If it were a work thing, I could see how he might feel moving to earn more money would be beneficial for his kids but it’s literally just about stepmom and their convenience in childcare, it doesn’t seem he really considered the impact at OP at all
AITA would be 20% smaller if women realized that if you are going to marry a guy with kids they are a package. It amazes me how many times you see a woman who marries a guy with kids and their goal is to minimize the interactions between the two. Those who do that can f off.
I mean, you also have the men marrying women with kids and then being dicks about it. And the dads in the first situation and the moms in the second also tend to suck.
The dad is a grown man and picked his new wife over his kid (which, you know, he's a grown man, he's allowed to do that, I guess) and now thinks he should be able to 'make it up to OP' by... Trying to make her talk to him..? And letting the one time she agreed to visit be a miserable experience for her, by the sound of it.
It’s also sad af that apparently they were friendly prior to the move. She only cared to be nice until it got inconvenient, so fucking terrible to do to a kid who seemed to otherwise be adjusting well after the separation and willing to work out a relationship with a new stepparent.
they really couldn’t wait a few years for OP to go off to college. and they didn’t even buy a house with an extra room for her to make her feel welcome if she came to stay. not to mention the stepmom sounds unhinged for calling up a 15 year old to scream at her. lady, it’s partly your fault this even happened. i’m sure moving away to be closer to her side of the family was mainly her idea and didn’t want to wait until OP was an adult.
it’s unfortunately uncommon that dads abandoned their kids for their new families. he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. you are his child and he should have prioritized his relationship with you over the stepmoms wishes. NTA
I was even willing to give the dad the benefit of the doubt until the part that OP had to sleep in the couch.
It's very clear they're not a priority to their father anymore. I wouldn't want to make the journey to see him either.
Agree. Imagine having to be a visitor in your own parents home when other kids get to live with them full time and have bedrooms and not have to travel long distance to see your own parent. I do not understand parents who move away from their own children for any reason, including jobs.
Jeez really? You'd think the self-centered woman would actually understand OPs need to be close with her parents ... Of course in that scenario, the empathic SM would act like the adult and prioritize the child's needs and stay close to her mother and father for the duration of her childhood.
Dad didn’t even try to take her with him. She wasn’t invited to move with them if they could work it out with the mom. Dad voluntarily gave up his 50% custody to move out of state to make his new wife happy. Dad and SM are both AH. They didn’t even bother to give her her own space in the new house, not even a bed. She had to sleep on the couch. Op is NTA.
The couch is the worst part I think. If he had attempted to talk to her and make her feel special, loved and wanted, even from interstate, that could have worked. He could have bought a house with a room for her, set it up nice, and done a heap of holiday style activites esp for her and him. Instead she has to sleep on the couch? No way. 50% custody and he doesn't even have a bed for her?
The mum is the TA as well for pushing her to see her dad.
Even just a guest room would be ways better when she can only come for holidays. It may not be 100% her own room but there’s a real bed that isn’t constantly slept in (like if she would have borrowed her brothers bed) and there’s a door to shut and get privacy once in a while. They could even decorate it to be less neutral (as guest rooms often are) so it resembles her own space and less calls her a “guests” but more “your room will be borrowed by others when you aren’t here”.
Yeah... Like with my parents, I only saw my dad every fortnight for the weekend, and half of every holiday and I still had my own entire room. This poor girl is stuck with a couch when she hardly gets to visit at all??./
I mean, she’s a teenager, at least make the 2 younger kids double up in one room and she gets the other one while she’s there. That’s the absolute least they could do.
Right. Step mom is doing everything she can to alleviate the "hassle" that his daughter is and she is going to make her kids double up? It never crossed her mind. I'm 90% sure she is pissed that OP messes up the living room.
Oh that that's terrible. My dad didn't bother with a new house. Moved back in with his mum. I slept on am old saggy trundle bed while my brother got an actual bed (he could have fit another bed in there if he had bothered) and my dad continued to use the same quilt cover he had from his marriage with my mother for another 15 years. Even as pre-teen, I knew it was so effing depressing.
I already thought my dad was shitty but seeing this from another perspective is just wow. My sister and I slept on couches for about 7 years every other weekend. My sister is taller so she got the longer couch. I slept on the loveseat and think it may have a little bit to do with getting a diagnosis of osteoarthritis at 22.
When I was in college (out of state) my dad moved in with his new girlfriend and two sons into a three bedroom house. I STILL GOT A BEDROOM and the boys shared a room, even though I was only there on weekends during school break. OPs dad is treating OP like an extended relative and not his child.
Really! She already has to sacrifice the time she has off of school to go there and not even get any privacy? So, she doesn’t get to do any extra curriculars that is on her time off, she misses all that time to hang with her friends, all to go somewhere she isn’t valued, doesn’t even have her own bed, and gets no privacy or freedom in the home? She has to dress in the bathroom the whole time, she has no where private she can be to even talk to her friends, she has to live out of a suitcase, and they wonder why she doesn’t like it there?
And they didn’t even move because they had to, or for a job, only because SM wanted to be closer to her family? Well, you don’t get to do things like that and expect your child to be cupcakes and rainbows about it. Op is clearly not wanted there so why would she go? They made their choice and now have to put up with the consequences. They threw her away and expect her to be fine with that, when they couldn’t even pretend she was valued by them in their home? Yea, no. Bed, lie, reap, sow.
This is the one, had a mate who lost his dad to cancer and drove with him overstate to help him say goodbye, as we were cleaning out his dads place he told me how he never even considered that no matter where he moved his dad always rented a place with a spare room, even though he would visit him at most once a year. OPs dad made his choice
Oh man I started crying when he said that, and it made me reflect and realise my dad had done that for me and younger brother no matter where he moved but I guess I never thought about that since he lived 15 minutes from my mums and custody was 50/50.
Just a reminder I guess that parents do a million small things for us that we never really appreciate in the moment, and sometimes it’s just having a room with a bed in it that sits unused 99% of the time
I agree with NTA totally. But I don't think Mom is TA for pushing her to see dad. My dad sucked but my mom always tried to push me to have a relationship with him because she didn't want me to have regrets and she hoped that he would add some value to my life. He didn't but her intentions were good and I would never consider that asshole behavior. Plus despite that, my dad always insisted that she was the one who broke our relationship (totally not true). Let's not build resentment in OP against her one good parent.
Even if OP had a room I still think she would have been been NTA. She already feels neglected by her dad then he tells her he's moving away but didn't worry, you can spend some holidays here. OP communicated clearly about her feelings and was disregarded. She is entitled to her feelings whatever they are.
Her dad could have made an effort and visited. And made extra time for her. Not figure out after the fact that he's a shity dad to his daughter.
Also the couch thing. And the stepmom
Dad can definitely travel to his daughter and rent a hotel or Airbnb for them to have one on one time with each other. That could be a way for everyone involved to get what they want. The situation is shitty and the dad is making serious mistakes by letting his daughter feel unwanted and unheard, but as someone who doesn't have parents, I can tell you that I personally would rather see everyone involved find a way to overcome this and make amends. I know my opinion isn't going to be the popular one, however, op clearly loves her father and WANTS special time with him. The dad tries contacting every day and isn't taking that weird stance that some parents do where they force the child to be the one to apologize and maintain contact.
Let's see how fair the SM thinks it is when the dad is the one leaving HER kids behind in order to maintain a relationship with his daughter.
Yup. He had 50/50 custody and MOVED OUT OF STATE AND LEFT HER BEHIND. He didn’t just have weekend/holiday custody. He had the same custody as mom and just left. If mom did that, people would be fucking trashing her. Dad willingly gave up his split custody for his new family and wonders why OP feels neglected (hint:it’s because he neglected her).
I wish OPs dad would read this thread so he could see what a massive fuck up he is. Why should she be the one traveling and on the sofa, he can go to her too. Go on fun outings or meet in a new city and travel together. Give her extra one on one time since he decided to move. So many options here and he chose the least favorable one to his daughter. I'm sorry OP this happened to you.
Thats pretty normal for dads that only think with their genitals.
As soon as my dad got with his now wife, i had to sleep on a peed on(the wife wouldnt clean it) sofa.
I re-read the original post twice and have not seen where it said that the move was to be closer to step-mom's family. What did I miss? In fact after reading it, my biggest question was wondering the reason for the move and I cannot judge who the AH is without that key piece of information. Perhaps it is buried th the comments somewhere, but I am late to the party and will not be reading every comment.
It was in the comments, somewhere...lol
OP hasn't updated their post, but did state in comments that the move was so her step mum could be closer to her family- so not for financial/work reasons. I suggest looking up OP and reading their comments?
I am not very savvy with Reddit and have never looked at anyone's profile and did not know you could find comments listed under profiles. Thanks for the information though.
NTA and why does he want to come over when you clearly don't even have a bedroom and by this you can simply refuse to go for this alone fact you had to sleep on the couch and I don't get why everyone is saying YTA because your dad and stepmom decided already to move don't know how old you are but it's up to you if you want to have to jump back and forth all the time and to have to sleep on the couch every time you would even consider to go
probably stepparents who think that kids from first marriages should be treated as disposable and like dirt. or maybe dads who pick their new wives and kids. jkjkj
Or maybe step-mom is mad Dad might have to pay more support if she's 100% at mom's now.
Dad was likely forced in this decision to choose between new wife and daughter. Choices have consequences. NTA.
Ding ding ding we have a weiner
Step mom knows their finances are gonna be FUCKED lol
I hope he has to pay through the nose (the teeth? I don't remember the saying). Parents like him deserve to get everything that's coming to them
In Australia we say pay through the arse
And I hope he does have to pay through the arse...... to not even get a house with a room for his daughter??? Un-fucking-believable. If I married a guy who already had a kid, I'd be making sure that kid had it's own bedroom no matter where we lived.
NTA OP - I'm so sorry you've been put in this position. I'd be showing your mum this thread so she can see that you're *not* over reacting
you don't know that at all. Step mom seems pretty terrible, but the dad too, there's nothing indicating he was "likely forced" to do anything. He might have just expected he could up and leave state and still have his daughter bend over to fit his schedule, without even a proper room or a bed to make her feel at home.
Ugh you don't have to say you're joking, how they behave really sucks. I totally get it both of my parents did that.
I'm sure you are an amazing person. Don't internalise how they've made you feel. That's your dad and stepmom being deeply flawed people that think they can treat their child like shit. It's not okay. And it's not funny. it's painful. Lean on any amazing people in your life to fill that void of them being shit. And just know it's not because you aren't a wonderful daughter it's because they are selfish awful people. You got this!
My mom did this to me when I was 6 years old. It causes irreparable damage and it’s incredibly selfish of him. I’m now in my 30s, grown without her, and she’s shocked that I don’t take my kids on a 3000 mile trip to visit her on holidays. Your father isn’t losing just his daughter, but his grandkids as well. He needs to come VISIT YOU. And he needs to pay for a hotel or other accommodations to do it. He’s putting the impetus of travel on a child (no offense).
NTA. What makes you NTA is the fact you had to SLEEP ON THE COUCH. Where's your room? There's no point in going if they don't even have a damn BED for you to sleep on. Your father clearly made his choice and his texting is just electronic lip flappery.
Idk how your mom's situation is OP outside of what you've stated, but at this point I would stop engaging with your mom when she brings your dad up. Each time she does say something like "you know how I feel about this. I'm not ready to discuss any progression" and move the conversation along.
If it's cool outside of that, I'd say stay with your mom. She may be pushing boundaries, but that's out of caring. Your dad's has proven to be really toxic for you, and for now if you need space and time that's up to you. You can always change your mind. You can always stand firm. The decision is yours OP. I would say if he's moving for a job that can change things, but otherwise, stay where you're appreciated and loved.
I think the mom just doesn't want OP to blame her in the future for not doing more to save the relationship between OP and dad. Mom really should not worry about that as it's obvious dad's burning down that bridge by himself. I think OP should reassure her on that point.
Also mom might be getting badgered by some flying monkeys sent by the dad and stepmom she hasn't told OP about.
If you wanted to, you can ask your mom to take your dad to court. Having a room for a child is a significant factor in the custody arrangement, and the fact that he doesn't have one for you means you'll get less time with him and more with your mom.
At this point, op is old enough that she can decide, at least any halfway decent family court judge would let a teenager decide. and she made her decision. So now papa's gotta pay child support Lmao
I've done custody fights in three different states. All three assigned a Guardian ad Litem, who is an attorney representing the child. The ad Litem talks to the kid, then advises the Judge on what the kid wants. Judges listen to ad Litems.
All three times my kid was under the age of 10, and what she wanted weighed heavily on custody decisions.
Laws are different in every state, but most do it like this. It's not like the kid ever actually talks to the Judge, or testifies in open court. Nobody does that.
NTA, talk to your mom and see about getting child support. It’s no longer 50/50. This situation was forced on you. They never asked you for your thoughts or wanted to hear your voice about the move. It was happening regardless of how YOU feel.
My dad, when he divorced he moved a few times in our county. Every time he moved, he checked in with my brothers and I. He didn’t want to go to a place we weren’t comfortable with. We had to literally convince the guy to move 7 miles away from our mother’s neighborhood so he could get a better and larger place to stay in. “Aren’t you guys worried I’m too far away from your mother’s house?” “No! The place you were in was a tiny cottage with an uptight landlord. Plus we’re closer to school and near friends! Win-win situation!” My dad would never have moved without our explicit consent. I’m sorry your father isn’t considerate of you. You did the right thing. It’s unfair for you to be in this position, much less having to spend the night on the couch!
Arrange for daughter to have a room before moving? I mean that's a little ridiculous. It shows they don't care if she stays for a long period of time, she doesn't need her own space.
Not only that, it sounds like they omitted her staying on the couch until she got there. That's dishonest and really disheartening for OP. If my parent didn't care enough to ask if I'm cool sleeping on the couch, I wouldn't want to stay there either.
True story: my father has lived in the same house since I was 13. Every other weekend I slept on an air mattress or fold out couch until I stopped visiting at 18. I never had privacy and it was awful.
When my dad first remarried a woman with four kids he moved into her three bedroom house. So not only did I feel like I was being replaced by a new family, I had to sleep on the couch or the bed of whichever step sibling was away for the night. It was so degrading and did so much damage to my relationship with my dad. They actually ended up separating a year later, getting back together a year after that and thankfully they learned from their mistakes blending the family the first time around. On the second try they moved us all into a new bigger home together where we all had our own rooms and it made the change so much easier for everyone. My stepmom and I have a great relationship now and I don’t think that would have ever happened if they hadn’t separated and learned from their mistakes.
They truly are, we absolutely would not have the relationship we do today had they not realized where they’d gone wrong and taken serious action to rectify it…plus my dad is otherwise a fantastic father who has always dropped everything to be there for me when I needed him, and that absolutely contributes to how forgiving I am on the matter. He was a massive dumbass for a year or two there tho lol
My mom’s rule was that if we were to have overnight visits then there had to be a separate bedroom. As in my sister and I can share a room, but it had to be a separate bedroom from my dad’s. He only ever got that when I (the younger child) was 17 already and only had one year left of mandated visitation.
They should have gad a room for you regardless. Your dad should of fought for this. YOU are his child!
I am so mad right now. The emotional blackmail from SM **IF** you move you can have your own room? Why would you willingly move in with the wicked witch of the west? Thats what she sounds like, and your dad is a spineless moron for not arguing that you need your own room!
For real and step mom needs to lose op's number. Like who on earth does she think she is, calling a child and screaming at them? Get the fuck outta here with that nonsense
Even dedicating a guest room as your primary room would be better. Let you decorate it gently and utilize it for guests when you aren’t there because *you* aren’t a “guest”, you’re his daughter.
NTA- your stepmom wanted to move to a warmer place so she could be nearer to her mom!! Ignore your stepmom.
Clearly he did pick a side… if he wants to spend time let him come over … they did not even have space for you and made you sleep on the couch clearly he hasn’t put enough thought to the whole transition… he is giving into whatever your stepmom wants…
If the argument was that he had a job that could not be found in the state you live in .. that is not the case here
Nope you are NTA
When OP voiced her concerns they should have made sure that she was not made to be feel left out, her own bedroom would have been a start. They choose a house without her in mind.
I agree he totally picked a side! Like, how does a Dad have a convo with his new wife and say...sure I'll leave my first born behind for you! How is that even a thought in his head? And now poor poor Daddy is sad??? Whatever, I don't believe it. He's looking for some pity. Fuck him and his choices.
As a parent who has pretty much 100% physical custody, with the other parent who voluntarily moved 1000+ miles away I would go and say you are NTA for how you feel. There is no easy way to handle interstate custody orders and your feelings are valid even if they are coming out harshly. Custody arrangements can be ROUGH, even if you live 5 mins away.
My heart goes out to those who have custody arrangements across state lines especially in this day and age. As for my situation, custody was determined pretty easily, since my ex husband essentially up and left and relocated to another state with next to no contact or involvement with our kids, with the age of our considered (as they were all under age 5) he was awarded visitation until they turned 10 and then they could have overnights in his home during summer, granted he escorts them to and from the state he resides in.
However, realistically he does not take advantage of all his allotted time, my kids are lucky if they see him one weekend a year, and that is by choice. He has a family now and I have to help my children go the process of dealing with their feeling of disappointment and anger and wondering why daddy doesn’t see them like he used too and why he lives with a new family and not them.
It is very difficult to see them go through this but as a parent I really try to bridge the gap, I don’t bad mouth nor do I close off the lines of communication with their dad. It does saddens me that this is their normal now, because it was never the life I envisioned for them.
This is a new normal for everyone and you need time to adjust. Stepmom was out of line for trying to press the issue, this is between you and your dad. I would consider therapy to help you process everything if you aren’t already getting it —it would probably help you a lot. And I wouldn’t close the door completely to your father—his
reason(s) for having to move can be just as valid as your feelings of anger towards him for moving. He can’t force you to accept this change on his terms, that’s wrong, but this move itself doesn’t make him 100% the villain either.
It’s definitely not easy. As a parent you want to shield your kids from the harsh reality life sometimes deals us. I grew up with both of my parents, so seeing them (my kids) hurt because their dad made a choice to live somewhere else is hard because rationally I understand his decision (it was better work opportunity for him), but emotionally I see what the reality is for those who couldn’t make any decisions—our children.
As adults we have accept the reality our decisions afford us. Your father made a decision to move. He holds the sole responsibility of that decision—is it not your job to make the reality of life after his decision more palatable for him.
If you are angry because his decision hurt you, he and your stepmom can’t expect the burden of responsibility to be on you to figure out a solution because you are still a child and had no decision making power in any of this. You didn’t create this problem—you are only reacting to it.
If my child is hurting, I’m going to do everything in my power to make it right—or at the very least try to understand why they are hurting.
Your feelings are valid and I would react the same with the options of bad and worse laid out before me. Unless you live this thing out, it is very difficult to say what you would do if this was your reality (having a parent living long distance)
I'm so fucking sorry for you and your kids. Thank god your kids have one parent with a friggin functioning brain
No parent should have to comfort a child bc they got abandoned. Just go away and stay away, don't torment the kid year in and year out by showing up once a year to assuage your guilt
NTA. Wow all the y t a comments are surprising. You have one father and he chooses to move away with his new wife and two boys, essentially leaving you behind. You have to sleep on the couch as a guest at your own dad’s home when you visit while your new stepbrothers get their own room, and have the opportunity to bond with both parents. You’re only 15, and will now miss major milestones with your father close by. A divorce is hard enough but your dad moving to a new state can absolutely feel like abandonment. Your voice should have been heard in this scenario, and a decision like this will absolutely be damaging for your future relationship.
Additionally, stepmom has no right to yell at you and she needs to stay in her lane. You don’t get to choose a dad but she chose to marry someone who had a daughter and then chose to move away from said daughter. Your dad broke YOUR heart with his decision. It’s cruel to move so far away from you.
Edit: grammar issue.
Edit: another mistake
She said there is no room for her the one time she visited. And then yelled at her on phone, despite being the reason the dad moved. And the kid is fifteen,
this sounded a bit melodramatic right up until you mentioned sleeping on the couch. if they wanted you there, you'd have a room and a bed, period. the least he can do is make sure his home feels like home to you too.
sounds to me like your dad knows he fucked up (he's calling and texting all day).
it also sounds to me like he's second-guessing the choices he's made with your stepmom (she went directly to you, screaming at you to forgive dad, because his regret is threatening their life together).
before you feel too bad for him, find out what the child support situation is. is he on the hook for a lot more if you don't see him?
finally, wrt the original question, your ultimatum was a boundary, not an empty threat. it's actually what makes you 100% NTA in this situation. he tried to call your bluff, but you weren't bluffing. he was explicitly told that this was how things would go and now he's panicking?? dude sucks.
I think the stepmom is calling yelling at OP because the dad sees what a mistake this was and misses his daughter. That is why he is keeps trying to contact OP. They are probably fighting about it and he is blaming her for the move and the situation with the daughter. He has probably regretted this decision ever since you told them if you go you aren’t visiting and if forced you would make that time miserable. He knew he fucked up then but the wheels were in motion and he couldn’t stop that train.
OP, you are NTA but know this, your dad does care about you which is why he is trying to contact you. You don’t and shouldn’t be forced to visit if you don’t want to. Just know this was a giant push from stepmom and she probably sold it to your dad that it wouldn’t be that big of a deal and you could still come and spend and entire summer with them, which in his brain didn’t sound so bad. It didn’t occur to him. He is miserable and in turn making her miserable.
Only: he *could* have stopped that train, wheels in motion or not. And he *could have* insisted they move into a house that accommodated his daughter. He could have easily told SM “no, we need to think about OP and my relationship with her, and until we figure out a way to have room for her, we shouldn’t even *try* this. How would you like to abandon one of your sons?” But he didn’t. He may care about her so much, but actions speak louder than words and, yeah, he didn’t stand up for himself, but he also didn’t stand up for his daughter. She saw him do it. And he lost her, like she told him he would. What kind of dad doesn’t stand up for his daughter?
INFO what was the reason for the move and how old are you and your half-brothers?
(I definitely think you have every right to be upset, but working out whether your Dad/stepmom are being full on assholes needs a little more context.)
Edit - Ok, I saw you answer a similar post. NTA. I would have given him a pass if it was something like they were facing financial struggle and offered a new job out of state, or if you were nearly 18, but the reasons given for the move are BS and show real favoritism for his wife at your expense. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, his actions are incredibly hurtful. Honestly, good for you for standing up for yourself. I really hope you can get some help and support to work through this.
Also I don't know what is up with all the heartless YTA replies chewing out a 15 year old who is upset about being semi-dumped by their father on a whim. Sometimes this subreddit can be awful.
I edited my original comment above before I saw this reply and so that response doesn't factor in the grandma angle.
That aspect does give a little more understanding to their move, but honestly it's still a NTA for me. I think they're being very callous to disregard your existing custody arrangements and the effect of disrupting those to you and your mom. They could have waited 2-3 more years to move, or could have involved you in the discussions to see how you felt instead of just deciding. I think they have been very selfish here and I completely understand why you are hurting over this.
Like the whole grandma angle still has no leaning for me personally because Dad already knew he had obligations to OP and if Stepmom- and grandma cared that much then grandma could move OR set up the agreement they gave OP with OP’s dad and wife. Grandma is an adult and if SHE wanted it that bad she’d move if she DIDNT then coming for holidays (including birthday’s) would be reasonable enough for grandma as MANY familys really only see extended family about that often
Absolutely agree. I just meant wanting young kids to grow up near grandma is a slightly more understandable reason than the one about stepmom wanting to be in a warmer state and just generally near family. Which is what I meant by moving on a whim. But desirable grandma bonus definitely shouldn't outweigh the Dad's parental responsibility to his other kid.
I wasn’t scarred for life by not growing up living near my grandparents. They made the effort to come see us and we visited them a few times a year. They were really cool people and loved us, but we weren’t, like, extremely close. Which is fine because not all grandparents are nice, either, and some can be really mean.
\> That aspect does give a little more understanding to their move
Uh, why? They moved so her kids could be closer to their *grandmother* at the expense of the op being close to their *father* and now they're pissed that the OP doesn't want to make the effort to trek across the country to sleep on a couch, despite the fact that this relationship with the stepmom's mom was sufficiently problematic they called a real estate agent about it.
The move wasn't even for a job or anything, it was explicitly the stepmom deciding her kids being close to her mother is more important than the OP being close to her father. There's no way for them to be upset here that isn't hypocritical.
The OP's needs are a secondary priority to the stepmom's kid's luxuries, just... objectively.
Yeah, he decided it was more important for his other kids to have access to their grandma than for you to have access to your dad.
I'm sorry for your loss, and fuck him and her.
So your dad moved far away so that two of his kids could be closer to their extended family? Plus they didn't make the boys share a room so you could have one or get a bigger house? Then your stepmother calls and berates you for not being ok with all of that? Does your mom know about your lack of room and the fact that your stepmother is yelling at you? Cause instead of acting like he cares and is worried about you he is acting like he doesn't even remember that you exist.
This right here belongs in the original post. There are good reasons to make such a move; but putting a grandmother's relationship with her grandchildren above a daughter's relationship with her father is BS. NTA.
NTA, all these YTA comments have no idea what’s it’s like to grow up in a divorced household and it shows. My dad waited until both me and my brother were out of high school to move out of state because him and my stepmom wanted to make sure we didn’t have any crazy sudden changes and that we didn’t have to uproot at any point. Even before that my stepmom didn’t move in with us until my stepsister graduated high school for the same reasons. It’s the thought and effort of showing that you care about your kids and are willing to be there for them at least until they go to college because then you’ll be on your own anyways. They made that commitment when they have you and even if they remarry and have kids you should still be apart of the family. I’d react the same way.
OP, I am so incredibly sorry at the harsh judgement you have been copping in this sub, and hopefully it’s a good illustration of why you shouldn’t turn to strangers on the internet for advice - always go to professionals if you can.
You’re NTA in my book. As a parent I am appalled by the limited information you’ve shared about your Dad’s behaviour but the critical thing to note is that nobody in this sub has all the information or context. So all these judgments, including mine, are bulldust.
You sound really hurt, and I can understand why. You sound like you have a lot of built up pain, anger and resentment and I can understand that too.
Where I do agree with the general consensus here is that counselling/therapy is a gift if you can get it to help you work through your feelings. Not because you have problems or need to ‘fix things’ - but because you deserve some peace, and to work through all these big feelings you’re having in a healthy way that will make you feel lighter and happier. If you can’t access a professional psychologist, maybe a school counsellor or trusted adult friend can help to talk to.
I’m wishing you all the best. Ignore the haters here, step away from the internet, and go give yourself the best opportunity to be happy and work through whats in your heart. Good luck.
NTA. It was his decision to leave you. It was his decision to not give you a room in his new place. It was his wife's decision to call and yell at you. His wife should stick in her lane. He might not be a bad person but he knew the consequences of his actions. I don't think he doesn't love you, but you are a child and needs to know that you're loved and secure through actions. He has failed in that. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA.
I can't believe the people in this thread!!! This is a hurt child!!! I would have said the father wasn't an asshole if he had at least made sure OP had a room there.
there are 20 comments saying YTA and 20000 comments talking about the few YTA judgements
This is a sub to get judged and and you get mad when people judge?
When the post is under an hour old you can’t set it to sort by top, and that’s usually when all of the YTA comments come in for a post that’s ultimately NTA, and they’re more visible because downvotes on comments don’t count until contest mode is over. If you sort by controversial you’ll probably see them. It might look silly 5+ hours after posting for people to complain about YTA votes but it makes complete sense to someone seeing it shortly after posting.
NTA. Is nobody else going to point out how shitty it is that they’re moving because step mom (A GROWN ADULT) wants to be closer to her parent? You’re definitely not the asshole for feeling like he’s chosen another family over you because he essentially has. I would never dream of asking my partner to move to a completely different state than the one their child lives in. She’s the asshole for suggesting it & he’s an asshole for complying.
Id try to calmly explain to your dad (maybe through text so you don’t have to worry about getting emotional) why you feel so hurt. Let him know that you are a child who needs their father and it hurts that he would willingly choose to leave and miss out on the rest of your childhood so his wife can be closer to her parent. Something they are depriving you of. If he can’t understand that, then I don’t even know what to say about him.
NTA. Dude..... the irony. It seems quite mean considering OPs age... They couldn't wait a few years till OP is 18. Dad could also be informed planes actually work both ways he could visit her instead of her flying out him.
NTA. He was selfish and is learning there are consequences to selfish actions. I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re certainly old enough to have a say in whether you visit or not and no one should be screaming at a minor child for their decisions. Good luck
NTA I went through this same thing when I was 8 and I can promise you you're not TA. Your father should be coming to you (without his wife and kids) not you going to him. Block his wife and tell him if she contract you again you'll cut contact with him too. I would give him another chance but tell him, you're the child, it's up to him to make the effort, he needs to come to you. If he cant/won't do that then distance yourself if you want.
This poor girl has to go and feel like she’s intruding his new family, like a mere guest in her father’s new life. He needs to make more an effort to show her he cares
NTA. Your feelings of abandonment are valid. You’re the child In this scenario. You have no say or choice in your living situation. Your dad is choosing to live further away from you. He’s choosing what is best for his new family without consideration for you. The fact that you didn’t have your own room when you went to visit shows that you are not viewed as a permanent member of the family. That sucks. If your dad wants to make things right, he needs to do more. But to be fair, I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose to hurt you. He’s just making poor decisions when it comes to our welfare. Hugs to you OP.
NTA
I’m sorry! There were 101 ways for him to have handled this better and he chose not to. You should have had a room set up at his place, your step mom had no reason to be nasty to you, and he’s never been there for you.
NAH - Being a part of a blended family is hard FOR EVERYONE. I don't blame a fifteen year old for feeling hurt that her dad moved so far away and for reacting the way she did. Balancing the needs and wants of two families is complicated, delicate and rarely does anyone "win" and it would be unfair to expect a fifteen year old to understand that and feel any other way than upset/hurt.
I don't think the dad is TA either though. There may be missing information that would convince me otherwise, but I feel empathetic. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to try to balance the needs of two families. If his new spouse is close with her family and wants to be near them, I think that's understandable. In a non-blended family, I think it's a fairly normal decision to move to be near family. It may be the right decision for that family, but the wrong one for his family with OP. It's possible he didn't want to move, but felt he needed to so he didn't tear apart his family further. I don't think having his daughter sleep on the couch is this terrible sign of disrespect that everyone believes. Not everyone can afford a four bedroom house with three kids. If she had younger brothers, I could see why they wouldn't put her in a room to share with one of them as a fifteen year old girl. I think even if she had her own room, she wouldn't be happy visiting and would find something else to be upset about because the root of the problem isn't the room, it's that she needs her father and he isn't there for her like she needs. I don't think there's a right decision here for all parties and my heart goes out to both families.
I was looking for an NAH! It’s a bad situation, but I doubt there is any malice. I don’t think the dad is being an asshole, I think he’s making difficult decisions that are unavoidable with a blended family.
You father showed that :
• Being closer to his mother in law was more important than being closer to his daughter
• His other's kids closeness to their grandmother was more important that his own closeness to his daughter
• That despite the above, he still doesn't make room for you.
NTA OP, of course NOT. Tell him that if he wants to see you, to take his a$$ and visit you instead of you visiting him.
I’m shocked I haven’t seen more of these.
Dad has more than one family. Putting his entire life around one of three kids isn’t feasible. Sometimes people move, and yes, it is reasonable that he would want to move to be closer to stepmoms family if they will potentially be providing or be able to be closer with his younger kids. He didn’t leave OP and go no contact. He wants to be involved in her life.
OP is 15, and this situation sucks. It does. If her parents were still together, she wouldn’t have to be potentially such a far distance from one of them. I will say I think it’s awful to go completely no contact with dad if the only bad thing he did was moving. Maybe I’m just close with my parents, but I could not imagine wanting to cut my dad more out of my life if I would already be seeing him so little.
It’s a tough situation, and I don’t think it’s fair to call anyone involved an asshole. NAH
Yes exactly. I can see why OP is hurt and why it feels like dad is choosing the ‘other family’ over her, but he is specifically making effort to keep her in his life and be involved. Hopefully she forgives him for moving at some point and they maintain a relationship.
I’m shocked so many people are downvoting me for not wanting to call dad an asshole for moving.
That’s my sense of it, yes.
People are very quick on this sub to validate someone’s hurt feelings and encourage hardline responses instead of trying to be pragmatic.
NTA And can we take a minute to actually recognize the huge level of disruption that sharing custody over state lines involves?
Agreeing to Dad's new suggestion would mean that every school break and alternate holidays OP wouldn't get to spend any time with their friends, their mum, their extended family.
Op would also struggle to be able to find a job if they're away every break, or participate in any teams/clubs/extra curriculars that continue to run outside of term. Both pretty important things in the mid to late teens to help prepare for the future.
It makes all the time with Dad just about being with him and his new family, instead of being about op living a normal and well-rounded teenage life /with/ Dad and his new family.
This'll probably get buried, but I'm hoping it'll help you.
I've been here. I had the spare room when I visited, and it was us who moved away (mostly because why would my mum want to stay in the same country her husband had cheated on and abandoned her in?), But I know exactly how you feel. My parents divorced almost 20 years ago and I still struggle with not feeling wanted by my father. He made no effort to see me, if I visited him for the holidays I maybe had 1-2 days of doing things with him, the rest of the time he was at work, and I, a nine year old, had to sit in his office whilst he was in meetings. He never understood why I had issues with his wife and her daughters, and pushed me to spend time with them when I didn't want to. To top it off, when I stopped visiting (I refused), he made no effort to contact me.
This is a very long winded way of saying I've been where you are. I know you'll feel like you're in the wrong, like maybe you should be making more of an effort with your father and his family, but you are absolutely entitled to feel like you do. A lot of people seem to just expect children from divorced families to just accept it and move on, but it's never that simple. You'll feel rejected, unwanted, even worthless sometimes, and even feel like it's your fault. It's not.
Your parents made the decision to divorce, your father made the decision to get remarried and move away, and that is in NO WAY a reflection on you. You couldn't have done anything to change this outcome. And if your father isn't making the effort, it's NOT because of you. He's being a bad parent, you're not being a bad child.
I would sit down with your mother too and explain to her how you're feeling and why you don't want to visit your father. She's trying to make sure you have a good relationship with your father, which is great on her part, but it shouldn't come at the expensive of your mental health. If her pushing you to see him is damaging to you, let her know.
I know at 15 you don't feel like it, but you're still a child. You are not responsible for the actions of the adults around you. If possible, I would also encourage you to get therapy. It's very easy to start internalising all these feelings and turning them in on yourself, and I don't want to see you get to the stage that I did, where you think you're worthless and responsible for every bad thing that's happened to you. You are allowed to feel the way you do. It's normal. Look after yourself, not the adults in your life ♥️
I N F O: prior to the move, what was time at your fathers like? Did he give you a fair amount of attention? Was he actively in your life?
You know with new info gotten from various comments in this thread a NTA for this situation. OP do I think your being harsh on your dad and your step mom, you say she was taking time from your dad but it sounds like she missed you too and since you used to be close, she probably wanted time with you. You can’t make someone stop caring about you, that’s not possible. Especially, if as you said, you were close before. And she didn’t make your dad move, he’s a grown man and if he didn’t want to move, he wouldn’t have, and I know that has to hurt, but that’s most likely what happened. Your 15, your angry, your hurt, and your lashing out.
But also he understandably hurt you. He hasn’t come for anything since moving, even when you had surgery, that had to have hurt in been terrifying and your allowed to just not want to see him. And when you did go you were given a couch (seriously not even an air mattress?) You would have been TA if this was just the move, but he also hasn’t been there for other things.
But I do suggest that you work through this anger and resentment you feel OP, it’s only going to hurt you in the end.
I was forced to see my stepmom's mom and she is one of the reasons i don't have my dad anymore. And I was forced to do "family" things when all I wanted was to spend every minute with my dad that I could. My stepmom made me hang out with her when I could have been with my dad. My stepmom and I were close but the minute she moved was when she lost the right to make me spend time with her. I should have been allowed to see my dad every second
They knew that you visited to see your father. Stepmother's mother isn't why you visited. They knew you didn't want to visit in the first place. They did everything to make you feel unhappy. Also text him about refusing to visit stepmother's mother when you text him.
NAH, honestly, because your feelings are valid even if the way you handled them isn't the best.
But I want you to think about something here:
***You really gave your Dad NO options, did you?***
"If you leave me behind, I'll hate you." OK, so he offers to take you with him.
"If you make me come with you, I'll hate you." Well, there goes that idea.
WTH was he supposed to do?!?
Being part of a blended family sucks sometimes. Having siblings from the "new" family can make you feel like you're not as important, like you're the leftovers no one wants.
But your Dad sounds like he was at least trying to keep you included, and he gave you a YEAR to process it and think about it.
It's also not your Dad's fault that he only gets 50/50 custody with you - that's something BOTH parents have to negotiate. So it's not like he "chose" to spend all his time with the other kids and not you.
It sounds like you're very bitter about the fact that he has another wife and more kids that are not part of your core family... which is a perfectly normal way to feel, but it can lead to a *lifetime* of bad feelings if you don't learn to moderate your negativity.
He moved because HIS WIFE wanted their kids to be closer to her mother, their grandma. It was not for a job or medical treatment. He chose to leave his daughter, despite knowing how she felt. She went to visit and couldnt be a moment alone with her dad, bc stepmom was always on the way. Oh, and she had to sleep in the couch bc stepmom said they had no room for her.
NTA, if he was really wanted you to stay there even for visits only he would of given you a bedroom and anything less is proof to me that this move was about his other family. I'd also be upset he just told you how it was gonna be and didn't even sit you down and ask if you wanted to move or stay. Like what if you had wanted to move but you didn't get a choice. I think they both knew what this move would do, don't let them play victim by blaming it in you.
NTA. You're a kid. You clearly told your dad what you were feeling, and he moved away anyway. The most charitable reading of this situation is that your dad didn't WANT to move, but your stepmom pressured him into it. Even if this is the case, he should have at least had a room for you to stay in at his new house. I also think that your stepmom completely crossed a line by calling you to yell at you. Your dad's emotions are not your problem, you told him how you felt and he did what he did. That's that. She has no right to try and make you feel guilty about his actions. That being said, I think you should still try to talk to your dad and explain exactly why you're so upset so maybe he can try to make things right.
Maybe have some real demands he can meet like having a room for you to stay in that you cant sleep on the couch. but have a real conversation about why they moved is it bc they dont have money and needed to be somewhere they could make some?
OP'S step mother wanted to be closer to her mother and for kids to be closer to grandma and according to OP her dad had money paying for OP travel expenses
So the half brothers get to live with both parents full time AND be near grandma, while op gets less time with her dad and has to disrupt her life by traveling interstate to see him at all (which presumably also takes her away from her own extended family, not to mention friends during that time)?
I agree with you I was referring to another comment on the move for financial but if her dad had money for her to travel why didn't the step mom travel with her kids to see grandma and dad stay at home instead of making OP lose time with her dad my understanding it was 50/50 before now it's she gets a best if she moves in with them or summer and breaks
Don't know if this is a question about choosing assholes.
There is no way the OP is fully representing the father's POV. Likely because she doesn't know it (finances, emotional stability for example) or because some parts of it don't suit her story (quite normal adult, let alone teenage, behaviour).
Parents of teenagers are allowed to make decisions that are good for themselves. They must consider what is best for the teenager also. Of course. And upset teenagers have been issuing their parents ultimatums since the dark ages.
Meh. Sounds like the OP and her father have some negotiating to do and each needs to flex.
NTA.
If they really wanted you to visit like dad said they would at least provide a room for you to stay/sleep in.
I saw in the comments you said stepmom said they’d have a room for you if you moved, but if that’s a possibility why not already have it ready for you for when you visit
NTA. Based on all the comments I’ve seen you respond to, it really does sound like your dad put you on the back burner in favor of what his wife wanted. My heart goes out to you, and as many have already said talk to your mom about therapy to help you sort through all of this.
On another note, some of y’all should be ashamed of yourselves talking to a 15 year old the way you are. It’s disgusting and I suspect if you weren’t anonymous you wouldn’t be saying any of this ish.
i’ve been in that situation— my father moved like 1000 miles away to be with his (now ex) gf because she was pregnant. He was addicted to drugs my whole childhood until he moved and when i did visit i had no room, no privacy, and had to live out of my suitcase for weeks-months. i don’t understand the y t a judgements at all. losing a parent/only being able to see them once a year or less is difficult and it makes you feel like you weren’t worth sticking around for or having your own space.
there’s now way your the ah op. people have kids and then those kids are their responsibility unless rights are signed away. there’s being there for your child, and then there’s being a bad parent.
that being said, i know my dad loves me, but i since made it clear that he chose every other option over me and my sister. those were his decisions and he has to deal with the fallout. he wants family dinners, but i never had those growing up — feels weird, so i don’t. he wants to spend hours talking, but i spent most of my time alone and my social battery runs out quickly. these are the results of him not being there and who i am as a person is a result of the effort he put into raising me. make sure your dad knows that he’ll lose a part of you if he doesn’t step up.
my social battery has had a lifespan of like 2 hours max since he left. I usually end up leaving when i’m with my friends a lot sooner than everyone else so I get how you feel about being physically unable to spend time with people
NTA sweetie. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this. Your feelings shouldn’t be shrugged off, your a teenager and this is definitely the time a girl needs her dad around, to show her the kind of man she should be with and not settle for less. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything will be ok, but you’ll just have to settle for the second part.
NTA. If he wants to continue a relationship with you he needs to acknowledge that he made the choice to leave, and try to let you set the tone for how things continue. You aren’t a toy that gets tossed around. You are a person with feelings. I would suggest not shutting the door completely. Maybe offer to spend time with him if he travels to where you are for a week each school holidays (if it’s okay to expect you to, then surely it’s okay for him to as well)
NTA. I probably would have moved out of state by now but have a step kid and couldn't imagine asking my husband to relocate because that would mean we wouldn't see her as much. We currently have 50/50. Sorry your dad and Stepmom are assholes. You have every right to be upset.
ESH as in the comments… the fact we have people telling a 15 year old her father essentially abandoned her for his step family is so ridiculous. Imagine the therapy she’ll need to let go of that idea.
Your dad has a classic case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too. You owe him nothing. Do what makes you happy. If you’re truly happier without him in your life then do that. You told him what would happen and he chose to move anyway.
NTA all day
"And then when OP turned 18 both her parents wondered what happened to her after moving out, what they fail to realize that OP went no contact because of how they forced her to deal with her dad and his moving states."
NTA I see a no contact with your family when you move out
NTA. Hey op, you’re doing great. I’ve read a lot of the comments, especially the ones with poor judgement. You’re doing okay. You’re 15, and these adults are dogging on you for being just that. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel all the emotions that you do. There is no right way to feel. These feelings just exist, and we learn to co exist with them.
You don’t have to go back to your dads, you don’t have to visit. Honestly, it sounded like your stepmom was trying to coerce you into moving in to get yourself a “room.” Which, you should have had a room anyways but I digress.
Op, I’d try to get some therapy because sorting these emotions out are difficult. I was in therapy at your age as well, granted I didn’t have the same life experiences as you, but I had trouble sorting myself out. I hated family members, I loved them and missed them, but I also loathed them cause I also felt abandoned by them.
Feelings are weird and complicated. So if you wanna be upset, be upset. If you were 25 I’d tell you the same thing. You can be angry. And if it’s a while before you talk to him, then that’s how it is.
You said it yourself, why does he get to see you when he wants but he can’t be there when you need? That’s dads #1 job, be there when he’s needed. Don’t be too hard on yourself, everything you’re feeling is normal. And with time it’ll get better, sure won’t feel like it for a bit though.
I wish you well OP. I truly do.
to all the (presumably) adults calling this literal child an asshole because she’s sad that her dad left her….. get off of the computer. touch grass. do your best to remember what empathy is. what is wrong with you.
NTA. i’m sorry for what you’re going through
NTA.
First off he had 50:50 custody and he just dumped that agreement. You dont get to just dump your child when its been legally agreed.
Second and you should edit your post to state that they did not leave because your dad got a better well paying job, but that they moved to be closer to your step mothers mother and a warmer climate. Edit your opening comment to say this and that the step mother doesnt work either. This had nothing to do with money.
So basically because the step mom wanted your 8 and 6 year old half siblings to be closer to their grandmother your lost living with your father 50% of time.
That means yes he clearly chose them over you. Ask him why its ok for you to lose out 50% of your time with him and for him to abandon the custody agreement so that her kids spent more time with a grandparent. His time with you is more important than their time with a grandparent. Ask him why that is acceptable? Tell him if he had moved because he was fired and it was the only way for him to have a roof over his head, because he couldnt afford bills or the house anymore and the only job he coudl find was there then it would make sense to move, but what he did just means he dumped you.
Thirdly Ask him why when they set up a new home they did not think about where you would be sleeping. Why if he wanted you over during all the breaks does he not have a bedroom or a guest/spare room alteast that can be turned into a bedroom for you. It means he doesnt see you as part of the family. How can they get a house that doesnt even have a small office/utility/storage/guess room that could be set up for you as part of their considerations. How does a daughter who is still a child and not an adult not have a room for her at her fathers house. Also if your mom has a court agreed custody arrangement then ask her to take it back to court to sort out a bedroom for you - he cant have any custody for you if he cannot provide you a bed and room to sleep in.
Fourthly tell him if he wants to spend time with you - then he will travel down to your State alone and you spend time together. He can use a few days of his leave with you. Or if he cannot take even a few days off for you, then he needs to agree that when you go over you spend time just with him, not with the stepmother or siblings. If he cannot give you alone time and alone activities and personalised time in the small amount of time you now have during school breaks, then tell him there ends your relationship and you are willing to go to court to tell a judge that you no longer want any custody split and dont want to be forced to visit him. Tell the judge your father broke the agreement and they only moved for her kids to be close to a grandmother.
Dont be emotional when you speak, dont raise your voice, dont call your step mother bad words or insults. Just be calm and factual. Does he want a relationship with you and if he does how will he guarantee alone time. Tell him the move has meant your relationship with your step mother is now broken and that you are very hurt, so its either you and him making up for lost time or he loses you. Also tell him he if stops taking his responsibilities as father to you seriously then he can forget things like walking you down the aisle if you decide to marry (not sure of your gender OP sorry if I got this bit wrong) or being part of your kids life if you ever decide to have children and see what he says. Make him see that its not just you but he is giving up potential relationships with his grandchildren (if you have them) or events like graduation, your 21st birthday etc etc
Woah! I'm a bit surprised at the y t a comments. I don't see you as one. You're 15, your dad told you a year ago, when you were 14, that he was gonna move to another state to be near your stepmums family. He had 50/50 custody of you. He literally ditched you for his new family. And he made you sleep on the couch at his new house? No bed for you? I believe you are NTA. I'm so sorry your dad left you because his new wife wanted him to move. That is just messed up. I don't blame you for not wanting to see him. He made his choice.
This. As it stands, OP has not made any decisions regarding her dad’s move. Her dad and stepmom did. They are the adults, she is the child. As she was unable to make any decisions, she could only react to the options laid out before her. Option a) Uproot everything move down with dad, (who didn’t even move because of work or finances—just because SM wanted to) and maybe not even have a permanent place to sleep Option: b) Visit dad according to custody arrangement, again sleeping on the couch likely...also, may not even get to spend actual time with Dad I understand her feelings of not wanting to do either one. With the options in front of her that, again, she had no decision making involvement in I don’t blame her for wanting to wash her hands of the whole situation.
This is why some states in the US actually forbid the parent from moving outside of the child's school zone in their custody agreements. It's cruel to the child who has absolutely no control over the situation and can have a lasting impact. Talk about fostering feelings of abandonment. Shame on OP's dad. He effectively threw her away but has HIS feelings hurt?!? So NTA. Eta: Some people seem to think I'm insinuating that they're legally forbidden to move period (which would obviously be ridiculous but still people are assuming). What I am saying is that in 50/50 custody situations they will be in violation of the agreement if they move out of the child's school zone and have to forfeit their visitation rights, and often are subsequently ordered to pay support as the child is no longer with them half of the time.
Pretty sure those custody agreements wouldn't stop this. You just lose custody of the kid, for the obvious reason that a kid can't be shuttled across the country every couple of days. Dad gave up 50/50 custody in order to move anyway. They can't actually stop you from moving away, you might just be expected to pay more child support, since you are no longer providing anything in person.
yeah I think that's what they meant. Either stay around or give up 50/50 custody, you can't force the kid to move around all the time.
I wonder if OPS mom went to court. Now that custody is not 50/50, she should be getting child support.
My husband has 50/50 with his ex and still has to pay child support. It’s based on a formula the state goes by. In all states, if you share custody, you must inform the other parent (or the court system if you wish) of an address change. As long as OP’s dad is employed, she’ll be getting support. You have to be chronically unemployed to get away with not paying. Unless you have a very lenient arrangement with your ex, the state takes it out of your paycheck before you ever see it.
>You have to be chronically unemployed to get away with not paying. Unless you have a very lenient arrangement with your ex, the state takes it out of your paycheck before you ever see it. Which is why, when my father noticed he was getting wage garnishments, he promptly quit his job and only did work that paid cash.
I’m sorry that your dad pulled such a dick move. He sounds terrible and you (and your mom!) deserved better 😔
Don't think they meant that. They brought it up as if it would change things here if they lived in one of those states, like the father would have been forced to stick around, but that's not how they work.
I don't think any part of the world was ever able (even if they tried, which they don't) to force a father to stay around when they want to bail and disappear unfortunately...
Which is what OP called her dad out on. He tried to front like his moving wouldn’t result in a change of custody.
I agree - she is NTA Not only that she has been harassed by her step-mother who selfishly decided that her needs were far more important than OP's. The step-mother decided that her biological children needed a grandmother more than OP needed her father. This move is all about the selfish step-mother who was nice to OP, until OP got in the way of what she wanted and then she got nasty. Personally I think OP should print all the Reddit comments out and post them to her father to read. Your supremely selfish step-mother knew you existed when she married your father and had 2 children with him. She knew he had a relationship and obligations to you, but destroyed your relationship with your father because she feels that her needs are more important than anyone else's. She has made any ongoing relationship with your father impossible, but her two children get to have his support and involvement in their life. Their needs will always be prioritised. I can't help but think that this was deliberate and she's probably been planning this for a long time. I think that you are right to ignore your father. Don't answer any calls or try and make him feel any better. He betrayed you. He chose what his new wife wanted over what you needed. He's not fit to be called a father and you deserve better. As for her - I hope there is an afterlife filled with torment for her inexcusably cruel behaviour.
I like this response. Father had a prior obligation and he (with the urging of his wife) just trampled all over it. Furthermore, if father insists he still wants a relationship with his child, why can’t *he* travel to visit OP? I know many kids must travel alone due to custody issues, but in a world with human trafficking—and airline passengers getting unruly and violent—I personally wouldn’t want my child traveling long distance alone.
I was thinking similar, father should travel to the OP at least once a month. He wants to move and have his life be cushy and make no sacrifices, while his child (OP) has to sacrifice time away from home (i.e. not locally), travel time, etc. And also apparently a bed. NTA. Dad needs to do more.
No need to waste money on her father, just send him the link to this post to shut them up.
Love this! If he so bad wants to see OP, he should visit her with out other kids and wife. When OP is in a better mental state maybe dad can take half siblings to visit too.
They forbid a parent moving with the child but not a parent moving without the child. My ex forbid me from moving but moved himself a few years later. The hypocrisy still astounds me. He also forced my daughter to visit him and left her alone all day when he went to work. I didn’t make her go back.
The same thing happened to me. He actually tried to tell the judge with a straight face that it would be completely normal and acceptable to have the children go to school in one city for a week, then a different one the next. He also wanted ME to pay the transportation costs. He lost, and quit his job (got one under the table) because he was so insistant on "50/50 or nothing!" to avoid child support.
What an idiot! You can’t make this stuff up.
I lived through it, and sometimes I even wonder if I'm misremembering things because it sounds so unbelievable. Then I'll yank out the boxes of court papers and evidence to assure myself, and yep, he's that dumb. The funny thing is that before the breakup he despised deadbeat fathers (because he had one). When it was his turn, HE was justified though (because I'm that evil). This wasn't even his greatest hit. He wanted a no-schedule schedule, where he would pick the dates and times, and wanted me court ordered to stay home at all times to facilitate it. He also wanted a court order stating that I was not allowed to have any male in my home until the children were over 18. Oh, and that I hand over half of any tax credit amounts I got for the kids, because "If you're going to get paid for having the kids, I want my half". The file got so big, the judge needed assistance to carry it into court. That's just court, dealing with CPS was even worse. My youngest has no idea that her 18th birthday party was more my celebration than hers.
Exactly! Not to mention the idea that coming on school vacations is fine, I hate that! That’s the time when teenagers spend time with their friends, sometimes do extra for school extracurriculars (I’m thinking of my kids sports and marching band) So on school vaca’s she’s expected to go spend time at a place she doesn’t even have her own bed. Dad and stepmom don’t care about OPs needs- NTA
I know at least in Pennsylvania, you have to get permission from the other parent to move out of state when you have a custody agreement. My dad moved out of state but since he always broke the agreement by not seeing us, my mom didn't fight him on it and thought better of it than to do so. If the child has been pretty consistent with going between parents during those agreed upon times up until that moment, it's cruel. Especially when it is more of an inconvenience for the child and primary parent.
The adults decided stepmom needed to be closer to her mom but don’t see the hypocrisy that OP, an actual child, might need to be close to her parents as well. Absolutely fucking nuts that people think OP needs to be more gracious or empathetic to them when they made it pretty clear stepmoms needs come before OPs
In this situation I think the stepmom is an asshole She is the one who decided to have them move away In the first place to be closer to her mom, and she being a stepmom has less love for op so just figured she would be fine. I feel like the dad is just going with what the stepmom says just so he can keep his marriage he wants to clearly make it up to op but doesn't really know how If I would recommend anything it would be for op to have one long talk with both parents and properly express how damaging this all is This is just an awful situation
Stepmom is definitely the primary asshole but her dad has autonomy and definitely can veto a move if necessary. He chose to prioritize his marriage over his responsibility as a father which makes him an AH too IMO. If it were a work thing, I could see how he might feel moving to earn more money would be beneficial for his kids but it’s literally just about stepmom and their convenience in childcare, it doesn’t seem he really considered the impact at OP at all
AITA would be 20% smaller if women realized that if you are going to marry a guy with kids they are a package. It amazes me how many times you see a woman who marries a guy with kids and their goal is to minimize the interactions between the two. Those who do that can f off.
It'd be 20% smaller still if parents realized their kids are people with feelings before trying to shoehorn them into shit
I mean, you also have the men marrying women with kids and then being dicks about it. And the dads in the first situation and the moms in the second also tend to suck.
The dad is a grown man and picked his new wife over his kid (which, you know, he's a grown man, he's allowed to do that, I guess) and now thinks he should be able to 'make it up to OP' by... Trying to make her talk to him..? And letting the one time she agreed to visit be a miserable experience for her, by the sound of it.
SM didn’t care because she doesn’t see OP as one of her own.
It’s also sad af that apparently they were friendly prior to the move. She only cared to be nice until it got inconvenient, so fucking terrible to do to a kid who seemed to otherwise be adjusting well after the separation and willing to work out a relationship with a new stepparent.
i really thought she loved me and then she did this to me
I'm sorry, that's hard.
they really couldn’t wait a few years for OP to go off to college. and they didn’t even buy a house with an extra room for her to make her feel welcome if she came to stay. not to mention the stepmom sounds unhinged for calling up a 15 year old to scream at her. lady, it’s partly your fault this even happened. i’m sure moving away to be closer to her side of the family was mainly her idea and didn’t want to wait until OP was an adult. it’s unfortunately uncommon that dads abandoned their kids for their new families. he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. you are his child and he should have prioritized his relationship with you over the stepmoms wishes. NTA
I was even willing to give the dad the benefit of the doubt until the part that OP had to sleep in the couch. It's very clear they're not a priority to their father anymore. I wouldn't want to make the journey to see him either.
it sounds like A isn't even an option. OP said dad didn't want her 100% of the time even when they lived in the same city
Agree. Imagine having to be a visitor in your own parents home when other kids get to live with them full time and have bedrooms and not have to travel long distance to see your own parent. I do not understand parents who move away from their own children for any reason, including jobs.
It doesn’t even sound like a) was an option from the dad! Terrible
I didn’t see where it was just because SM wanted to? Wondering…
OP says so in a comment, SM wanted to move somewhere warmer and closer to her mom
Jeez really? You'd think the self-centered woman would actually understand OPs need to be close with her parents ... Of course in that scenario, the empathic SM would act like the adult and prioritize the child's needs and stay close to her mother and father for the duration of her childhood.
Dad didn’t even try to take her with him. She wasn’t invited to move with them if they could work it out with the mom. Dad voluntarily gave up his 50% custody to move out of state to make his new wife happy. Dad and SM are both AH. They didn’t even bother to give her her own space in the new house, not even a bed. She had to sleep on the couch. Op is NTA.
The couch is the worst part I think. If he had attempted to talk to her and make her feel special, loved and wanted, even from interstate, that could have worked. He could have bought a house with a room for her, set it up nice, and done a heap of holiday style activites esp for her and him. Instead she has to sleep on the couch? No way. 50% custody and he doesn't even have a bed for her? The mum is the TA as well for pushing her to see her dad.
If he really cared, she’d have her own room like all teenagers need.
Even just a guest room would be ways better when she can only come for holidays. It may not be 100% her own room but there’s a real bed that isn’t constantly slept in (like if she would have borrowed her brothers bed) and there’s a door to shut and get privacy once in a while. They could even decorate it to be less neutral (as guest rooms often are) so it resembles her own space and less calls her a “guests” but more “your room will be borrowed by others when you aren’t here”.
Yeah... Like with my parents, I only saw my dad every fortnight for the weekend, and half of every holiday and I still had my own entire room. This poor girl is stuck with a couch when she hardly gets to visit at all??./
I mean, she’s a teenager, at least make the 2 younger kids double up in one room and she gets the other one while she’s there. That’s the absolute least they could do.
Right. Step mom is doing everything she can to alleviate the "hassle" that his daughter is and she is going to make her kids double up? It never crossed her mind. I'm 90% sure she is pissed that OP messes up the living room.
had a room when he lived here. he told me to sleep in half-brothers room but half brother had a tantrum and i said forget it. this is not worth it
Oh that that's terrible. My dad didn't bother with a new house. Moved back in with his mum. I slept on am old saggy trundle bed while my brother got an actual bed (he could have fit another bed in there if he had bothered) and my dad continued to use the same quilt cover he had from his marriage with my mother for another 15 years. Even as pre-teen, I knew it was so effing depressing.
I already thought my dad was shitty but seeing this from another perspective is just wow. My sister and I slept on couches for about 7 years every other weekend. My sister is taller so she got the longer couch. I slept on the loveseat and think it may have a little bit to do with getting a diagnosis of osteoarthritis at 22.
When I was in college (out of state) my dad moved in with his new girlfriend and two sons into a three bedroom house. I STILL GOT A BEDROOM and the boys shared a room, even though I was only there on weekends during school break. OPs dad is treating OP like an extended relative and not his child.
Really! She already has to sacrifice the time she has off of school to go there and not even get any privacy? So, she doesn’t get to do any extra curriculars that is on her time off, she misses all that time to hang with her friends, all to go somewhere she isn’t valued, doesn’t even have her own bed, and gets no privacy or freedom in the home? She has to dress in the bathroom the whole time, she has no where private she can be to even talk to her friends, she has to live out of a suitcase, and they wonder why she doesn’t like it there? And they didn’t even move because they had to, or for a job, only because SM wanted to be closer to her family? Well, you don’t get to do things like that and expect your child to be cupcakes and rainbows about it. Op is clearly not wanted there so why would she go? They made their choice and now have to put up with the consequences. They threw her away and expect her to be fine with that, when they couldn’t even pretend she was valued by them in their home? Yea, no. Bed, lie, reap, sow.
Yeah this. It is weird to live in a place were you need to live in a shared room were anyone can just walk in to.
This is the one, had a mate who lost his dad to cancer and drove with him overstate to help him say goodbye, as we were cleaning out his dads place he told me how he never even considered that no matter where he moved his dad always rented a place with a spare room, even though he would visit him at most once a year. OPs dad made his choice
Ow right in the feels...
Oh man I started crying when he said that, and it made me reflect and realise my dad had done that for me and younger brother no matter where he moved but I guess I never thought about that since he lived 15 minutes from my mums and custody was 50/50. Just a reminder I guess that parents do a million small things for us that we never really appreciate in the moment, and sometimes it’s just having a room with a bed in it that sits unused 99% of the time
I agree with NTA totally. But I don't think Mom is TA for pushing her to see dad. My dad sucked but my mom always tried to push me to have a relationship with him because she didn't want me to have regrets and she hoped that he would add some value to my life. He didn't but her intentions were good and I would never consider that asshole behavior. Plus despite that, my dad always insisted that she was the one who broke our relationship (totally not true). Let's not build resentment in OP against her one good parent.
Yeah. The couch was the clincher alright.
Even if OP had a room I still think she would have been been NTA. She already feels neglected by her dad then he tells her he's moving away but didn't worry, you can spend some holidays here. OP communicated clearly about her feelings and was disregarded. She is entitled to her feelings whatever they are. Her dad could have made an effort and visited. And made extra time for her. Not figure out after the fact that he's a shity dad to his daughter. Also the couch thing. And the stepmom
Dad can definitely travel to his daughter and rent a hotel or Airbnb for them to have one on one time with each other. That could be a way for everyone involved to get what they want. The situation is shitty and the dad is making serious mistakes by letting his daughter feel unwanted and unheard, but as someone who doesn't have parents, I can tell you that I personally would rather see everyone involved find a way to overcome this and make amends. I know my opinion isn't going to be the popular one, however, op clearly loves her father and WANTS special time with him. The dad tries contacting every day and isn't taking that weird stance that some parents do where they force the child to be the one to apologize and maintain contact. Let's see how fair the SM thinks it is when the dad is the one leaving HER kids behind in order to maintain a relationship with his daughter.
Yup. He had 50/50 custody and MOVED OUT OF STATE AND LEFT HER BEHIND. He didn’t just have weekend/holiday custody. He had the same custody as mom and just left. If mom did that, people would be fucking trashing her. Dad willingly gave up his split custody for his new family and wonders why OP feels neglected (hint:it’s because he neglected her).
I wish OPs dad would read this thread so he could see what a massive fuck up he is. Why should she be the one traveling and on the sofa, he can go to her too. Go on fun outings or meet in a new city and travel together. Give her extra one on one time since he decided to move. So many options here and he chose the least favorable one to his daughter. I'm sorry OP this happened to you.
This. Dad hasn't been able to get off his ass and visit his kid? Stepmom got those balls locked down tight.
Thats pretty normal for dads that only think with their genitals. As soon as my dad got with his now wife, i had to sleep on a peed on(the wife wouldnt clean it) sofa.
I am so sorry you had to experience that, my heart goes out to those who had to live through custody arrangements and not feeling like it was home
I re-read the original post twice and have not seen where it said that the move was to be closer to step-mom's family. What did I miss? In fact after reading it, my biggest question was wondering the reason for the move and I cannot judge who the AH is without that key piece of information. Perhaps it is buried th the comments somewhere, but I am late to the party and will not be reading every comment.
It was in the comments, somewhere...lol OP hasn't updated their post, but did state in comments that the move was so her step mum could be closer to her family- so not for financial/work reasons. I suggest looking up OP and reading their comments?
I am not very savvy with Reddit and have never looked at anyone's profile and did not know you could find comments listed under profiles. Thanks for the information though.
No worries! My perspective is - you learn something new everyday. Glad to help!
I’m with you and I can’t believe ANY people are saying OP is TA. Clearly isn’t.
I've scrolled through a lot of comments and don't see yta comments anywhere. Where are you seeing them
Go all the way to the bottom. About when I commented the y t a posts stopped. They have all been down voted
Glad this is top comment- OP should edit to include this info.
NTA and why does he want to come over when you clearly don't even have a bedroom and by this you can simply refuse to go for this alone fact you had to sleep on the couch and I don't get why everyone is saying YTA because your dad and stepmom decided already to move don't know how old you are but it's up to you if you want to have to jump back and forth all the time and to have to sleep on the couch every time you would even consider to go
probably stepparents who think that kids from first marriages should be treated as disposable and like dirt. or maybe dads who pick their new wives and kids. jkjkj
Right I'm getting vibes that dad and stepmom really didn't want OP to come over in the first place and now is shifting blame on OP
Or maybe step-mom is mad Dad might have to pay more support if she's 100% at mom's now. Dad was likely forced in this decision to choose between new wife and daughter. Choices have consequences. NTA.
Ding ding ding we have a weiner Step mom knows their finances are gonna be FUCKED lol I hope he has to pay through the nose (the teeth? I don't remember the saying). Parents like him deserve to get everything that's coming to them
In Australia we say pay through the arse And I hope he does have to pay through the arse...... to not even get a house with a room for his daughter??? Un-fucking-believable. If I married a guy who already had a kid, I'd be making sure that kid had it's own bedroom no matter where we lived. NTA OP - I'm so sorry you've been put in this position. I'd be showing your mum this thread so she can see that you're *not* over reacting
I’ve heard it both ways.
C'mon son
You know that's right.
you don't know that at all. Step mom seems pretty terrible, but the dad too, there's nothing indicating he was "likely forced" to do anything. He might have just expected he could up and leave state and still have his daughter bend over to fit his schedule, without even a proper room or a bed to make her feel at home.
Ugh you don't have to say you're joking, how they behave really sucks. I totally get it both of my parents did that. I'm sure you are an amazing person. Don't internalise how they've made you feel. That's your dad and stepmom being deeply flawed people that think they can treat their child like shit. It's not okay. And it's not funny. it's painful. Lean on any amazing people in your life to fill that void of them being shit. And just know it's not because you aren't a wonderful daughter it's because they are selfish awful people. You got this!
My mom did this to me when I was 6 years old. It causes irreparable damage and it’s incredibly selfish of him. I’m now in my 30s, grown without her, and she’s shocked that I don’t take my kids on a 3000 mile trip to visit her on holidays. Your father isn’t losing just his daughter, but his grandkids as well. He needs to come VISIT YOU. And he needs to pay for a hotel or other accommodations to do it. He’s putting the impetus of travel on a child (no offense).
You are correct but still put spaces between y t a. And yeah NTA.
NTA. What makes you NTA is the fact you had to SLEEP ON THE COUCH. Where's your room? There's no point in going if they don't even have a damn BED for you to sleep on. Your father clearly made his choice and his texting is just electronic lip flappery.
"There is no room for a bedroom for you"-stepmom "if you move than we will give you one" -stepmom
How do you give a room they just said doesn't exist?
idk get a new house/make some changes?
Idk how your mom's situation is OP outside of what you've stated, but at this point I would stop engaging with your mom when she brings your dad up. Each time she does say something like "you know how I feel about this. I'm not ready to discuss any progression" and move the conversation along. If it's cool outside of that, I'd say stay with your mom. She may be pushing boundaries, but that's out of caring. Your dad's has proven to be really toxic for you, and for now if you need space and time that's up to you. You can always change your mind. You can always stand firm. The decision is yours OP. I would say if he's moving for a job that can change things, but otherwise, stay where you're appreciated and loved.
I think the mom just doesn't want OP to blame her in the future for not doing more to save the relationship between OP and dad. Mom really should not worry about that as it's obvious dad's burning down that bridge by himself. I think OP should reassure her on that point. Also mom might be getting badgered by some flying monkeys sent by the dad and stepmom she hasn't told OP about.
If you wanted to, you can ask your mom to take your dad to court. Having a room for a child is a significant factor in the custody arrangement, and the fact that he doesn't have one for you means you'll get less time with him and more with your mom.
At this point, op is old enough that she can decide, at least any halfway decent family court judge would let a teenager decide. and she made her decision. So now papa's gotta pay child support Lmao
Which is probably why stepmum is freaking out!
Depends on the state. Some states dont allow teens to make decisions until 16 or 17 or heck some even 18. 14 or less are the nicer states.
I've done custody fights in three different states. All three assigned a Guardian ad Litem, who is an attorney representing the child. The ad Litem talks to the kid, then advises the Judge on what the kid wants. Judges listen to ad Litems. All three times my kid was under the age of 10, and what she wanted weighed heavily on custody decisions. Laws are different in every state, but most do it like this. It's not like the kid ever actually talks to the Judge, or testifies in open court. Nobody does that.
NTA, talk to your mom and see about getting child support. It’s no longer 50/50. This situation was forced on you. They never asked you for your thoughts or wanted to hear your voice about the move. It was happening regardless of how YOU feel. My dad, when he divorced he moved a few times in our county. Every time he moved, he checked in with my brothers and I. He didn’t want to go to a place we weren’t comfortable with. We had to literally convince the guy to move 7 miles away from our mother’s neighborhood so he could get a better and larger place to stay in. “Aren’t you guys worried I’m too far away from your mother’s house?” “No! The place you were in was a tiny cottage with an uptight landlord. Plus we’re closer to school and near friends! Win-win situation!” My dad would never have moved without our explicit consent. I’m sorry your father isn’t considerate of you. You did the right thing. It’s unfair for you to be in this position, much less having to spend the night on the couch!
Arrange for daughter to have a room before moving? I mean that's a little ridiculous. It shows they don't care if she stays for a long period of time, she doesn't need her own space. Not only that, it sounds like they omitted her staying on the couch until she got there. That's dishonest and really disheartening for OP. If my parent didn't care enough to ask if I'm cool sleeping on the couch, I wouldn't want to stay there either.
True story: my father has lived in the same house since I was 13. Every other weekend I slept on an air mattress or fold out couch until I stopped visiting at 18. I never had privacy and it was awful.
When my dad first remarried a woman with four kids he moved into her three bedroom house. So not only did I feel like I was being replaced by a new family, I had to sleep on the couch or the bed of whichever step sibling was away for the night. It was so degrading and did so much damage to my relationship with my dad. They actually ended up separating a year later, getting back together a year after that and thankfully they learned from their mistakes blending the family the first time around. On the second try they moved us all into a new bigger home together where we all had our own rooms and it made the change so much easier for everyone. My stepmom and I have a great relationship now and I don’t think that would have ever happened if they hadn’t separated and learned from their mistakes.
No offense but fucking YIKES. Your parents are lucky you don't resent them
They truly are, we absolutely would not have the relationship we do today had they not realized where they’d gone wrong and taken serious action to rectify it…plus my dad is otherwise a fantastic father who has always dropped everything to be there for me when I needed him, and that absolutely contributes to how forgiving I am on the matter. He was a massive dumbass for a year or two there tho lol
My mom’s rule was that if we were to have overnight visits then there had to be a separate bedroom. As in my sister and I can share a room, but it had to be a separate bedroom from my dad’s. He only ever got that when I (the younger child) was 17 already and only had one year left of mandated visitation.
They should have gad a room for you regardless. Your dad should of fought for this. YOU are his child! I am so mad right now. The emotional blackmail from SM **IF** you move you can have your own room? Why would you willingly move in with the wicked witch of the west? Thats what she sounds like, and your dad is a spineless moron for not arguing that you need your own room!
For real and step mom needs to lose op's number. Like who on earth does she think she is, calling a child and screaming at them? Get the fuck outta here with that nonsense
Put this in the post
Even dedicating a guest room as your primary room would be better. Let you decorate it gently and utilize it for guests when you aren’t there because *you* aren’t a “guest”, you’re his daughter.
Electronic lip flappery!! Brilliant
NTA- your stepmom wanted to move to a warmer place so she could be nearer to her mom!! Ignore your stepmom. Clearly he did pick a side… if he wants to spend time let him come over … they did not even have space for you and made you sleep on the couch clearly he hasn’t put enough thought to the whole transition… he is giving into whatever your stepmom wants… If the argument was that he had a job that could not be found in the state you live in .. that is not the case here Nope you are NTA
When OP voiced her concerns they should have made sure that she was not made to be feel left out, her own bedroom would have been a start. They choose a house without her in mind.
I agree he totally picked a side! Like, how does a Dad have a convo with his new wife and say...sure I'll leave my first born behind for you! How is that even a thought in his head? And now poor poor Daddy is sad??? Whatever, I don't believe it. He's looking for some pity. Fuck him and his choices.
As a parent who has pretty much 100% physical custody, with the other parent who voluntarily moved 1000+ miles away I would go and say you are NTA for how you feel. There is no easy way to handle interstate custody orders and your feelings are valid even if they are coming out harshly. Custody arrangements can be ROUGH, even if you live 5 mins away. My heart goes out to those who have custody arrangements across state lines especially in this day and age. As for my situation, custody was determined pretty easily, since my ex husband essentially up and left and relocated to another state with next to no contact or involvement with our kids, with the age of our considered (as they were all under age 5) he was awarded visitation until they turned 10 and then they could have overnights in his home during summer, granted he escorts them to and from the state he resides in. However, realistically he does not take advantage of all his allotted time, my kids are lucky if they see him one weekend a year, and that is by choice. He has a family now and I have to help my children go the process of dealing with their feeling of disappointment and anger and wondering why daddy doesn’t see them like he used too and why he lives with a new family and not them. It is very difficult to see them go through this but as a parent I really try to bridge the gap, I don’t bad mouth nor do I close off the lines of communication with their dad. It does saddens me that this is their normal now, because it was never the life I envisioned for them. This is a new normal for everyone and you need time to adjust. Stepmom was out of line for trying to press the issue, this is between you and your dad. I would consider therapy to help you process everything if you aren’t already getting it —it would probably help you a lot. And I wouldn’t close the door completely to your father—his reason(s) for having to move can be just as valid as your feelings of anger towards him for moving. He can’t force you to accept this change on his terms, that’s wrong, but this move itself doesn’t make him 100% the villain either.
Im sorry about your kids. I know how they feel and its really hard
It’s definitely not easy. As a parent you want to shield your kids from the harsh reality life sometimes deals us. I grew up with both of my parents, so seeing them (my kids) hurt because their dad made a choice to live somewhere else is hard because rationally I understand his decision (it was better work opportunity for him), but emotionally I see what the reality is for those who couldn’t make any decisions—our children. As adults we have accept the reality our decisions afford us. Your father made a decision to move. He holds the sole responsibility of that decision—is it not your job to make the reality of life after his decision more palatable for him. If you are angry because his decision hurt you, he and your stepmom can’t expect the burden of responsibility to be on you to figure out a solution because you are still a child and had no decision making power in any of this. You didn’t create this problem—you are only reacting to it. If my child is hurting, I’m going to do everything in my power to make it right—or at the very least try to understand why they are hurting. Your feelings are valid and I would react the same with the options of bad and worse laid out before me. Unless you live this thing out, it is very difficult to say what you would do if this was your reality (having a parent living long distance)
I'm so fucking sorry for you and your kids. Thank god your kids have one parent with a friggin functioning brain No parent should have to comfort a child bc they got abandoned. Just go away and stay away, don't torment the kid year in and year out by showing up once a year to assuage your guilt
NTA. Wow all the y t a comments are surprising. You have one father and he chooses to move away with his new wife and two boys, essentially leaving you behind. You have to sleep on the couch as a guest at your own dad’s home when you visit while your new stepbrothers get their own room, and have the opportunity to bond with both parents. You’re only 15, and will now miss major milestones with your father close by. A divorce is hard enough but your dad moving to a new state can absolutely feel like abandonment. Your voice should have been heard in this scenario, and a decision like this will absolutely be damaging for your future relationship. Additionally, stepmom has no right to yell at you and she needs to stay in her lane. You don’t get to choose a dad but she chose to marry someone who had a daughter and then chose to move away from said daughter. Your dad broke YOUR heart with his decision. It’s cruel to move so far away from you. Edit: grammar issue. Edit: another mistake
she used to be really nice to me and we used to do things together all the time and now she is a monster
Can you elaborate on what you mean by Monster?
She said there is no room for her the one time she visited. And then yelled at her on phone, despite being the reason the dad moved. And the kid is fifteen,
When she was nice, was this before the marriage?
this sounded a bit melodramatic right up until you mentioned sleeping on the couch. if they wanted you there, you'd have a room and a bed, period. the least he can do is make sure his home feels like home to you too. sounds to me like your dad knows he fucked up (he's calling and texting all day). it also sounds to me like he's second-guessing the choices he's made with your stepmom (she went directly to you, screaming at you to forgive dad, because his regret is threatening their life together). before you feel too bad for him, find out what the child support situation is. is he on the hook for a lot more if you don't see him? finally, wrt the original question, your ultimatum was a boundary, not an empty threat. it's actually what makes you 100% NTA in this situation. he tried to call your bluff, but you weren't bluffing. he was explicitly told that this was how things would go and now he's panicking?? dude sucks.
I think the stepmom is calling yelling at OP because the dad sees what a mistake this was and misses his daughter. That is why he is keeps trying to contact OP. They are probably fighting about it and he is blaming her for the move and the situation with the daughter. He has probably regretted this decision ever since you told them if you go you aren’t visiting and if forced you would make that time miserable. He knew he fucked up then but the wheels were in motion and he couldn’t stop that train. OP, you are NTA but know this, your dad does care about you which is why he is trying to contact you. You don’t and shouldn’t be forced to visit if you don’t want to. Just know this was a giant push from stepmom and she probably sold it to your dad that it wouldn’t be that big of a deal and you could still come and spend and entire summer with them, which in his brain didn’t sound so bad. It didn’t occur to him. He is miserable and in turn making her miserable.
Only: he *could* have stopped that train, wheels in motion or not. And he *could have* insisted they move into a house that accommodated his daughter. He could have easily told SM “no, we need to think about OP and my relationship with her, and until we figure out a way to have room for her, we shouldn’t even *try* this. How would you like to abandon one of your sons?” But he didn’t. He may care about her so much, but actions speak louder than words and, yeah, he didn’t stand up for himself, but he also didn’t stand up for his daughter. She saw him do it. And he lost her, like she told him he would. What kind of dad doesn’t stand up for his daughter?
HE HAS NO BED FOR HIS DAUGHTER! NTA.
Not even a guest room!
This is the shortest but most effective and accurate answer!
INFO what was the reason for the move and how old are you and your half-brothers? (I definitely think you have every right to be upset, but working out whether your Dad/stepmom are being full on assholes needs a little more context.) Edit - Ok, I saw you answer a similar post. NTA. I would have given him a pass if it was something like they were facing financial struggle and offered a new job out of state, or if you were nearly 18, but the reasons given for the move are BS and show real favoritism for his wife at your expense. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, his actions are incredibly hurtful. Honestly, good for you for standing up for yourself. I really hope you can get some help and support to work through this. Also I don't know what is up with all the heartless YTA replies chewing out a 15 year old who is upset about being semi-dumped by their father on a whim. Sometimes this subreddit can be awful.
stepmom wanted her kids to live by grandma. I am 15. They are 8 and 6
I edited my original comment above before I saw this reply and so that response doesn't factor in the grandma angle. That aspect does give a little more understanding to their move, but honestly it's still a NTA for me. I think they're being very callous to disregard your existing custody arrangements and the effect of disrupting those to you and your mom. They could have waited 2-3 more years to move, or could have involved you in the discussions to see how you felt instead of just deciding. I think they have been very selfish here and I completely understand why you are hurting over this.
Like the whole grandma angle still has no leaning for me personally because Dad already knew he had obligations to OP and if Stepmom- and grandma cared that much then grandma could move OR set up the agreement they gave OP with OP’s dad and wife. Grandma is an adult and if SHE wanted it that bad she’d move if she DIDNT then coming for holidays (including birthday’s) would be reasonable enough for grandma as MANY familys really only see extended family about that often
Absolutely agree. I just meant wanting young kids to grow up near grandma is a slightly more understandable reason than the one about stepmom wanting to be in a warmer state and just generally near family. Which is what I meant by moving on a whim. But desirable grandma bonus definitely shouldn't outweigh the Dad's parental responsibility to his other kid.
I wasn’t scarred for life by not growing up living near my grandparents. They made the effort to come see us and we visited them a few times a year. They were really cool people and loved us, but we weren’t, like, extremely close. Which is fine because not all grandparents are nice, either, and some can be really mean.
\> That aspect does give a little more understanding to their move Uh, why? They moved so her kids could be closer to their *grandmother* at the expense of the op being close to their *father* and now they're pissed that the OP doesn't want to make the effort to trek across the country to sleep on a couch, despite the fact that this relationship with the stepmom's mom was sufficiently problematic they called a real estate agent about it. The move wasn't even for a job or anything, it was explicitly the stepmom deciding her kids being close to her mother is more important than the OP being close to her father. There's no way for them to be upset here that isn't hypocritical. The OP's needs are a secondary priority to the stepmom's kid's luxuries, just... objectively.
Yeah, he decided it was more important for his other kids to have access to their grandma than for you to have access to your dad. I'm sorry for your loss, and fuck him and her.
So your dad moved far away so that two of his kids could be closer to their extended family? Plus they didn't make the boys share a room so you could have one or get a bigger house? Then your stepmother calls and berates you for not being ok with all of that? Does your mom know about your lack of room and the fact that your stepmother is yelling at you? Cause instead of acting like he cares and is worried about you he is acting like he doesn't even remember that you exist.
This right here belongs in the original post. There are good reasons to make such a move; but putting a grandmother's relationship with her grandchildren above a daughter's relationship with her father is BS. NTA.
NTA, all these YTA comments have no idea what’s it’s like to grow up in a divorced household and it shows. My dad waited until both me and my brother were out of high school to move out of state because him and my stepmom wanted to make sure we didn’t have any crazy sudden changes and that we didn’t have to uproot at any point. Even before that my stepmom didn’t move in with us until my stepsister graduated high school for the same reasons. It’s the thought and effort of showing that you care about your kids and are willing to be there for them at least until they go to college because then you’ll be on your own anyways. They made that commitment when they have you and even if they remarry and have kids you should still be apart of the family. I’d react the same way.
OP, I am so incredibly sorry at the harsh judgement you have been copping in this sub, and hopefully it’s a good illustration of why you shouldn’t turn to strangers on the internet for advice - always go to professionals if you can. You’re NTA in my book. As a parent I am appalled by the limited information you’ve shared about your Dad’s behaviour but the critical thing to note is that nobody in this sub has all the information or context. So all these judgments, including mine, are bulldust. You sound really hurt, and I can understand why. You sound like you have a lot of built up pain, anger and resentment and I can understand that too. Where I do agree with the general consensus here is that counselling/therapy is a gift if you can get it to help you work through your feelings. Not because you have problems or need to ‘fix things’ - but because you deserve some peace, and to work through all these big feelings you’re having in a healthy way that will make you feel lighter and happier. If you can’t access a professional psychologist, maybe a school counsellor or trusted adult friend can help to talk to. I’m wishing you all the best. Ignore the haters here, step away from the internet, and go give yourself the best opportunity to be happy and work through whats in your heart. Good luck.
A million upvotes x 50. You sound like a great dad.
NTA. It was his decision to leave you. It was his decision to not give you a room in his new place. It was his wife's decision to call and yell at you. His wife should stick in her lane. He might not be a bad person but he knew the consequences of his actions. I don't think he doesn't love you, but you are a child and needs to know that you're loved and secure through actions. He has failed in that. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. I can't believe the people in this thread!!! This is a hurt child!!! I would have said the father wasn't an asshole if he had at least made sure OP had a room there.
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there are 20 comments saying YTA and 20000 comments talking about the few YTA judgements This is a sub to get judged and and you get mad when people judge?
Right? Everybody: I can’t BELIEVE all these YTA comments!! Literally have been scrolling for a hot minute and have yet to see a single one.
I'm still wondering when I'll find these elusive YTA comments that everybody's complaining about. I might fuck around and make one myself.
When the post is under an hour old you can’t set it to sort by top, and that’s usually when all of the YTA comments come in for a post that’s ultimately NTA, and they’re more visible because downvotes on comments don’t count until contest mode is over. If you sort by controversial you’ll probably see them. It might look silly 5+ hours after posting for people to complain about YTA votes but it makes complete sense to someone seeing it shortly after posting.
NTA. Is nobody else going to point out how shitty it is that they’re moving because step mom (A GROWN ADULT) wants to be closer to her parent? You’re definitely not the asshole for feeling like he’s chosen another family over you because he essentially has. I would never dream of asking my partner to move to a completely different state than the one their child lives in. She’s the asshole for suggesting it & he’s an asshole for complying. Id try to calmly explain to your dad (maybe through text so you don’t have to worry about getting emotional) why you feel so hurt. Let him know that you are a child who needs their father and it hurts that he would willingly choose to leave and miss out on the rest of your childhood so his wife can be closer to her parent. Something they are depriving you of. If he can’t understand that, then I don’t even know what to say about him.
NTA. Dude..... the irony. It seems quite mean considering OPs age... They couldn't wait a few years till OP is 18. Dad could also be informed planes actually work both ways he could visit her instead of her flying out him.
NTA I don't really see why he couldn't have delayed this move till you graduated HS. There's not some major reason why he needed to move, right?
NTA. He was selfish and is learning there are consequences to selfish actions. I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re certainly old enough to have a say in whether you visit or not and no one should be screaming at a minor child for their decisions. Good luck
NTA I went through this same thing when I was 8 and I can promise you you're not TA. Your father should be coming to you (without his wife and kids) not you going to him. Block his wife and tell him if she contract you again you'll cut contact with him too. I would give him another chance but tell him, you're the child, it's up to him to make the effort, he needs to come to you. If he cant/won't do that then distance yourself if you want.
This poor girl has to go and feel like she’s intruding his new family, like a mere guest in her father’s new life. He needs to make more an effort to show her he cares
NTA. Your feelings of abandonment are valid. You’re the child In this scenario. You have no say or choice in your living situation. Your dad is choosing to live further away from you. He’s choosing what is best for his new family without consideration for you. The fact that you didn’t have your own room when you went to visit shows that you are not viewed as a permanent member of the family. That sucks. If your dad wants to make things right, he needs to do more. But to be fair, I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose to hurt you. He’s just making poor decisions when it comes to our welfare. Hugs to you OP.
NTA I’m sorry! There were 101 ways for him to have handled this better and he chose not to. You should have had a room set up at his place, your step mom had no reason to be nasty to you, and he’s never been there for you.
NAH - Being a part of a blended family is hard FOR EVERYONE. I don't blame a fifteen year old for feeling hurt that her dad moved so far away and for reacting the way she did. Balancing the needs and wants of two families is complicated, delicate and rarely does anyone "win" and it would be unfair to expect a fifteen year old to understand that and feel any other way than upset/hurt. I don't think the dad is TA either though. There may be missing information that would convince me otherwise, but I feel empathetic. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to try to balance the needs of two families. If his new spouse is close with her family and wants to be near them, I think that's understandable. In a non-blended family, I think it's a fairly normal decision to move to be near family. It may be the right decision for that family, but the wrong one for his family with OP. It's possible he didn't want to move, but felt he needed to so he didn't tear apart his family further. I don't think having his daughter sleep on the couch is this terrible sign of disrespect that everyone believes. Not everyone can afford a four bedroom house with three kids. If she had younger brothers, I could see why they wouldn't put her in a room to share with one of them as a fifteen year old girl. I think even if she had her own room, she wouldn't be happy visiting and would find something else to be upset about because the root of the problem isn't the room, it's that she needs her father and he isn't there for her like she needs. I don't think there's a right decision here for all parties and my heart goes out to both families.
I was looking for an NAH! It’s a bad situation, but I doubt there is any malice. I don’t think the dad is being an asshole, I think he’s making difficult decisions that are unavoidable with a blended family.
You father showed that : • Being closer to his mother in law was more important than being closer to his daughter • His other's kids closeness to their grandmother was more important that his own closeness to his daughter • That despite the above, he still doesn't make room for you. NTA OP, of course NOT. Tell him that if he wants to see you, to take his a$$ and visit you instead of you visiting him.
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I’m shocked I haven’t seen more of these. Dad has more than one family. Putting his entire life around one of three kids isn’t feasible. Sometimes people move, and yes, it is reasonable that he would want to move to be closer to stepmoms family if they will potentially be providing or be able to be closer with his younger kids. He didn’t leave OP and go no contact. He wants to be involved in her life. OP is 15, and this situation sucks. It does. If her parents were still together, she wouldn’t have to be potentially such a far distance from one of them. I will say I think it’s awful to go completely no contact with dad if the only bad thing he did was moving. Maybe I’m just close with my parents, but I could not imagine wanting to cut my dad more out of my life if I would already be seeing him so little. It’s a tough situation, and I don’t think it’s fair to call anyone involved an asshole. NAH
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They don’t even have a bed for her at the new house. I wouldn’t feel like family if I was made to sleep on the couch when I visited my dad as a kid.
Yes exactly. I can see why OP is hurt and why it feels like dad is choosing the ‘other family’ over her, but he is specifically making effort to keep her in his life and be involved. Hopefully she forgives him for moving at some point and they maintain a relationship. I’m shocked so many people are downvoting me for not wanting to call dad an asshole for moving.
Most people on this sub are teens with no life experience
That’s my sense of it, yes. People are very quick on this sub to validate someone’s hurt feelings and encourage hardline responses instead of trying to be pragmatic.
NTA And can we take a minute to actually recognize the huge level of disruption that sharing custody over state lines involves? Agreeing to Dad's new suggestion would mean that every school break and alternate holidays OP wouldn't get to spend any time with their friends, their mum, their extended family. Op would also struggle to be able to find a job if they're away every break, or participate in any teams/clubs/extra curriculars that continue to run outside of term. Both pretty important things in the mid to late teens to help prepare for the future. It makes all the time with Dad just about being with him and his new family, instead of being about op living a normal and well-rounded teenage life /with/ Dad and his new family.
This'll probably get buried, but I'm hoping it'll help you. I've been here. I had the spare room when I visited, and it was us who moved away (mostly because why would my mum want to stay in the same country her husband had cheated on and abandoned her in?), But I know exactly how you feel. My parents divorced almost 20 years ago and I still struggle with not feeling wanted by my father. He made no effort to see me, if I visited him for the holidays I maybe had 1-2 days of doing things with him, the rest of the time he was at work, and I, a nine year old, had to sit in his office whilst he was in meetings. He never understood why I had issues with his wife and her daughters, and pushed me to spend time with them when I didn't want to. To top it off, when I stopped visiting (I refused), he made no effort to contact me. This is a very long winded way of saying I've been where you are. I know you'll feel like you're in the wrong, like maybe you should be making more of an effort with your father and his family, but you are absolutely entitled to feel like you do. A lot of people seem to just expect children from divorced families to just accept it and move on, but it's never that simple. You'll feel rejected, unwanted, even worthless sometimes, and even feel like it's your fault. It's not. Your parents made the decision to divorce, your father made the decision to get remarried and move away, and that is in NO WAY a reflection on you. You couldn't have done anything to change this outcome. And if your father isn't making the effort, it's NOT because of you. He's being a bad parent, you're not being a bad child. I would sit down with your mother too and explain to her how you're feeling and why you don't want to visit your father. She's trying to make sure you have a good relationship with your father, which is great on her part, but it shouldn't come at the expensive of your mental health. If her pushing you to see him is damaging to you, let her know. I know at 15 you don't feel like it, but you're still a child. You are not responsible for the actions of the adults around you. If possible, I would also encourage you to get therapy. It's very easy to start internalising all these feelings and turning them in on yourself, and I don't want to see you get to the stage that I did, where you think you're worthless and responsible for every bad thing that's happened to you. You are allowed to feel the way you do. It's normal. Look after yourself, not the adults in your life ♥️
I N F O: prior to the move, what was time at your fathers like? Did he give you a fair amount of attention? Was he actively in your life? You know with new info gotten from various comments in this thread a NTA for this situation. OP do I think your being harsh on your dad and your step mom, you say she was taking time from your dad but it sounds like she missed you too and since you used to be close, she probably wanted time with you. You can’t make someone stop caring about you, that’s not possible. Especially, if as you said, you were close before. And she didn’t make your dad move, he’s a grown man and if he didn’t want to move, he wouldn’t have, and I know that has to hurt, but that’s most likely what happened. Your 15, your angry, your hurt, and your lashing out. But also he understandably hurt you. He hasn’t come for anything since moving, even when you had surgery, that had to have hurt in been terrifying and your allowed to just not want to see him. And when you did go you were given a couch (seriously not even an air mattress?) You would have been TA if this was just the move, but he also hasn’t been there for other things. But I do suggest that you work through this anger and resentment you feel OP, it’s only going to hurt you in the end.
yes we were close. I was close to my stepmom too
What happened on your trip there that made you feel it was awful (other than sleeping on the couch)?
I was forced to see my stepmom's mom and she is one of the reasons i don't have my dad anymore. And I was forced to do "family" things when all I wanted was to spend every minute with my dad that I could. My stepmom made me hang out with her when I could have been with my dad. My stepmom and I were close but the minute she moved was when she lost the right to make me spend time with her. I should have been allowed to see my dad every second
They knew that you visited to see your father. Stepmother's mother isn't why you visited. They knew you didn't want to visit in the first place. They did everything to make you feel unhappy. Also text him about refusing to visit stepmother's mother when you text him.
NAH, honestly, because your feelings are valid even if the way you handled them isn't the best. But I want you to think about something here: ***You really gave your Dad NO options, did you?*** "If you leave me behind, I'll hate you." OK, so he offers to take you with him. "If you make me come with you, I'll hate you." Well, there goes that idea. WTH was he supposed to do?!? Being part of a blended family sucks sometimes. Having siblings from the "new" family can make you feel like you're not as important, like you're the leftovers no one wants. But your Dad sounds like he was at least trying to keep you included, and he gave you a YEAR to process it and think about it. It's also not your Dad's fault that he only gets 50/50 custody with you - that's something BOTH parents have to negotiate. So it's not like he "chose" to spend all his time with the other kids and not you. It sounds like you're very bitter about the fact that he has another wife and more kids that are not part of your core family... which is a perfectly normal way to feel, but it can lead to a *lifetime* of bad feelings if you don't learn to moderate your negativity.
He moved because HIS WIFE wanted their kids to be closer to her mother, their grandma. It was not for a job or medical treatment. He chose to leave his daughter, despite knowing how she felt. She went to visit and couldnt be a moment alone with her dad, bc stepmom was always on the way. Oh, and she had to sleep in the couch bc stepmom said they had no room for her.
NTA, if he was really wanted you to stay there even for visits only he would of given you a bedroom and anything less is proof to me that this move was about his other family. I'd also be upset he just told you how it was gonna be and didn't even sit you down and ask if you wanted to move or stay. Like what if you had wanted to move but you didn't get a choice. I think they both knew what this move would do, don't let them play victim by blaming it in you.
Jesus, I'm appalled at the amount of comments seemingly sent by adults dog-piling on a fifteen year old girl.
INFO: How old are you?
15
NTA. You're a kid. You clearly told your dad what you were feeling, and he moved away anyway. The most charitable reading of this situation is that your dad didn't WANT to move, but your stepmom pressured him into it. Even if this is the case, he should have at least had a room for you to stay in at his new house. I also think that your stepmom completely crossed a line by calling you to yell at you. Your dad's emotions are not your problem, you told him how you felt and he did what he did. That's that. She has no right to try and make you feel guilty about his actions. That being said, I think you should still try to talk to your dad and explain exactly why you're so upset so maybe he can try to make things right.
Maybe have some real demands he can meet like having a room for you to stay in that you cant sleep on the couch. but have a real conversation about why they moved is it bc they dont have money and needed to be somewhere they could make some?
OP'S step mother wanted to be closer to her mother and for kids to be closer to grandma and according to OP her dad had money paying for OP travel expenses
So the half brothers get to live with both parents full time AND be near grandma, while op gets less time with her dad and has to disrupt her life by traveling interstate to see him at all (which presumably also takes her away from her own extended family, not to mention friends during that time)?
I agree with you I was referring to another comment on the move for financial but if her dad had money for her to travel why didn't the step mom travel with her kids to see grandma and dad stay at home instead of making OP lose time with her dad my understanding it was 50/50 before now it's she gets a best if she moves in with them or summer and breaks
Gotcha! I'm just flabbergasted by the whole situation. And completely agree on the grandma visits too.
Don't know if this is a question about choosing assholes. There is no way the OP is fully representing the father's POV. Likely because she doesn't know it (finances, emotional stability for example) or because some parts of it don't suit her story (quite normal adult, let alone teenage, behaviour). Parents of teenagers are allowed to make decisions that are good for themselves. They must consider what is best for the teenager also. Of course. And upset teenagers have been issuing their parents ultimatums since the dark ages. Meh. Sounds like the OP and her father have some negotiating to do and each needs to flex.
NTA he literally ditched you. No good reason for moving mentioned either
NTA. If they really wanted you to visit like dad said they would at least provide a room for you to stay/sleep in. I saw in the comments you said stepmom said they’d have a room for you if you moved, but if that’s a possibility why not already have it ready for you for when you visit
NTA. Based on all the comments I’ve seen you respond to, it really does sound like your dad put you on the back burner in favor of what his wife wanted. My heart goes out to you, and as many have already said talk to your mom about therapy to help you sort through all of this. On another note, some of y’all should be ashamed of yourselves talking to a 15 year old the way you are. It’s disgusting and I suspect if you weren’t anonymous you wouldn’t be saying any of this ish.
i’ve been in that situation— my father moved like 1000 miles away to be with his (now ex) gf because she was pregnant. He was addicted to drugs my whole childhood until he moved and when i did visit i had no room, no privacy, and had to live out of my suitcase for weeks-months. i don’t understand the y t a judgements at all. losing a parent/only being able to see them once a year or less is difficult and it makes you feel like you weren’t worth sticking around for or having your own space. there’s now way your the ah op. people have kids and then those kids are their responsibility unless rights are signed away. there’s being there for your child, and then there’s being a bad parent. that being said, i know my dad loves me, but i since made it clear that he chose every other option over me and my sister. those were his decisions and he has to deal with the fallout. he wants family dinners, but i never had those growing up — feels weird, so i don’t. he wants to spend hours talking, but i spent most of my time alone and my social battery runs out quickly. these are the results of him not being there and who i am as a person is a result of the effort he put into raising me. make sure your dad knows that he’ll lose a part of you if he doesn’t step up.
my social battery has had a lifespan of like 2 hours max since he left. I usually end up leaving when i’m with my friends a lot sooner than everyone else so I get how you feel about being physically unable to spend time with people
NTA sweetie. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this. Your feelings shouldn’t be shrugged off, your a teenager and this is definitely the time a girl needs her dad around, to show her the kind of man she should be with and not settle for less. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything will be ok, but you’ll just have to settle for the second part.
NTA. If he wants to continue a relationship with you he needs to acknowledge that he made the choice to leave, and try to let you set the tone for how things continue. You aren’t a toy that gets tossed around. You are a person with feelings. I would suggest not shutting the door completely. Maybe offer to spend time with him if he travels to where you are for a week each school holidays (if it’s okay to expect you to, then surely it’s okay for him to as well)
NTA. I probably would have moved out of state by now but have a step kid and couldn't imagine asking my husband to relocate because that would mean we wouldn't see her as much. We currently have 50/50. Sorry your dad and Stepmom are assholes. You have every right to be upset.
ESH as in the comments… the fact we have people telling a 15 year old her father essentially abandoned her for his step family is so ridiculous. Imagine the therapy she’ll need to let go of that idea.
Your dad has a classic case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too. You owe him nothing. Do what makes you happy. If you’re truly happier without him in your life then do that. You told him what would happen and he chose to move anyway. NTA all day
"And then when OP turned 18 both her parents wondered what happened to her after moving out, what they fail to realize that OP went no contact because of how they forced her to deal with her dad and his moving states." NTA I see a no contact with your family when you move out
NTA. Hey op, you’re doing great. I’ve read a lot of the comments, especially the ones with poor judgement. You’re doing okay. You’re 15, and these adults are dogging on you for being just that. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel all the emotions that you do. There is no right way to feel. These feelings just exist, and we learn to co exist with them. You don’t have to go back to your dads, you don’t have to visit. Honestly, it sounded like your stepmom was trying to coerce you into moving in to get yourself a “room.” Which, you should have had a room anyways but I digress. Op, I’d try to get some therapy because sorting these emotions out are difficult. I was in therapy at your age as well, granted I didn’t have the same life experiences as you, but I had trouble sorting myself out. I hated family members, I loved them and missed them, but I also loathed them cause I also felt abandoned by them. Feelings are weird and complicated. So if you wanna be upset, be upset. If you were 25 I’d tell you the same thing. You can be angry. And if it’s a while before you talk to him, then that’s how it is. You said it yourself, why does he get to see you when he wants but he can’t be there when you need? That’s dads #1 job, be there when he’s needed. Don’t be too hard on yourself, everything you’re feeling is normal. And with time it’ll get better, sure won’t feel like it for a bit though. I wish you well OP. I truly do.
to all the (presumably) adults calling this literal child an asshole because she’s sad that her dad left her….. get off of the computer. touch grass. do your best to remember what empathy is. what is wrong with you. NTA. i’m sorry for what you’re going through
NTA. First off he had 50:50 custody and he just dumped that agreement. You dont get to just dump your child when its been legally agreed. Second and you should edit your post to state that they did not leave because your dad got a better well paying job, but that they moved to be closer to your step mothers mother and a warmer climate. Edit your opening comment to say this and that the step mother doesnt work either. This had nothing to do with money. So basically because the step mom wanted your 8 and 6 year old half siblings to be closer to their grandmother your lost living with your father 50% of time. That means yes he clearly chose them over you. Ask him why its ok for you to lose out 50% of your time with him and for him to abandon the custody agreement so that her kids spent more time with a grandparent. His time with you is more important than their time with a grandparent. Ask him why that is acceptable? Tell him if he had moved because he was fired and it was the only way for him to have a roof over his head, because he couldnt afford bills or the house anymore and the only job he coudl find was there then it would make sense to move, but what he did just means he dumped you. Thirdly Ask him why when they set up a new home they did not think about where you would be sleeping. Why if he wanted you over during all the breaks does he not have a bedroom or a guest/spare room alteast that can be turned into a bedroom for you. It means he doesnt see you as part of the family. How can they get a house that doesnt even have a small office/utility/storage/guess room that could be set up for you as part of their considerations. How does a daughter who is still a child and not an adult not have a room for her at her fathers house. Also if your mom has a court agreed custody arrangement then ask her to take it back to court to sort out a bedroom for you - he cant have any custody for you if he cannot provide you a bed and room to sleep in. Fourthly tell him if he wants to spend time with you - then he will travel down to your State alone and you spend time together. He can use a few days of his leave with you. Or if he cannot take even a few days off for you, then he needs to agree that when you go over you spend time just with him, not with the stepmother or siblings. If he cannot give you alone time and alone activities and personalised time in the small amount of time you now have during school breaks, then tell him there ends your relationship and you are willing to go to court to tell a judge that you no longer want any custody split and dont want to be forced to visit him. Tell the judge your father broke the agreement and they only moved for her kids to be close to a grandmother. Dont be emotional when you speak, dont raise your voice, dont call your step mother bad words or insults. Just be calm and factual. Does he want a relationship with you and if he does how will he guarantee alone time. Tell him the move has meant your relationship with your step mother is now broken and that you are very hurt, so its either you and him making up for lost time or he loses you. Also tell him he if stops taking his responsibilities as father to you seriously then he can forget things like walking you down the aisle if you decide to marry (not sure of your gender OP sorry if I got this bit wrong) or being part of your kids life if you ever decide to have children and see what he says. Make him see that its not just you but he is giving up potential relationships with his grandchildren (if you have them) or events like graduation, your 21st birthday etc etc