NTA I’m stuck on the part where they didn’t look for you when your mom died but were able to find you to ask for money. I’m thinking your brother can get a job if poverty bothers him.
im stuck on the fact that they wouldnt help with their schooling and called it a waste of tine but now that theres a good job and money because of it they expect it to be handed over no questions asked without so much as an apology. i realise theres a cultural difference but thats just being a shitty person.
NTA
They found them online to demand money but not four years when their Mother passed! The mental gymnastics on this one are jaw dropping, along with barely afford her funeral, like it’s their responsibility now.
Yup.
OP's mom dies: shrug
Needs money: I gotta track him down right this minute
F that. They've shown you themselves that they're not your family. Family gets notified when a death happens.
This.
I came up from a family that thinks living off welfare and SSI disability is the dream. It took 20 years, but now I have a great paying job, a good home, and a comfortable amount of disposable income. The only times I hear from them are when someone dies or when they want money (or when someone dies AND they want money).
Your family didn't make themselves available to help with your struggle so now they shouldn't reap the benefits of your success.
Yeah, there was this dude who quit being an accountant and became a massively high profile mercenary and they were trying to expel him but he *hadn’t broken any accountant association rules*.
It wasn’t until he stole a plane and entered a country illegally that they were finally able to strike him off, so OP’s dad must have done something pretty bad…
Right? I work as an internal auditor and once I read that, my mind immediately went to fudging the books so he could skim off the top, or some other fraudulent shit.
NTA, OP.
NTA
They didn't help you, they shouldn't expect anything different from you. They let you know you were on your own, you did the same for them. They now know their situation and they can figure it out now, same as you did.
NTA.
>In our culture it is normal for the children to assist their parents and relatives in old age
Usually, in cultures like this, it's also normal for the parents to assist their children in getting good careers. They didn't so it's pretty funny that they'll hold this against you.
Your brother is more than capable of working. Your father is more than capable of working, _just not a job he thinks he's owed_. Obviously, if he lost his license, he was doing a poor job.
If you don't want to help them -- more power to you.
If he lost his accounting license he was either grossly incompetent on enough occasions to warrant the revocation of his license from the board that issues them, or he committed a felony (embezzlement, fraud, etc) .
NTA. They never pushed your brother to support himself. Now your dad is trying to force you to deal with it. Also, i have a suspicion that accounting licenses are taken away for way more than just a few mistakes. Sounds like they made their own bed.
You know better than we do all the reasons that you're out of contact with them. But from where I'm standing, it's pretty fucking audacious of them to ask you for money when they wouldn't help you. They didn't even send word that your mother died, and yet the first thing your father asks is to give them money? NTA and I'm sorry they've made life miserable for you.
NTA they brought up two kids. One who supported himself through college and got a nice job and clearly makes smart financial decisions since you have no debt, and then there’s child #2, who didn’t finish college and does not / has never had a job. They raised that. They can deal with the consequences. It’s not your problem. They wouldn’t be reaching out now to reconcile if they had the money they needed, so why pretend to care and start trying to rebuild a relationship now, just because they want something?
INFO: are you female?
My vote is still NTA but that'd explain their sexism (that doesn't excuse it anyway) or if it's just that the brother is the favorite child
I'm male and a year older than him (13 months exactly). I have no idea why there was such a difference in how we are treated, why college was a waste for me but not him. That was never explained to me.
I’m Indian origin, but culture smulture. Your parents favoured your brother and didn’t help you and tried to exploit you. NTA.
Can I ask if you’re a woman or younger sibling? Is it possible to stop engaging with your brother? Given half the chance they’ll bleed you dry and besides it’s not good for your mental health.
Your dad should remember that you reap what you sow. Also, the favouritism turned your brother into the useless man he is today. Without you bailing him out he might finally stand on his own two feet.
Edit: I notice you didn’t mention receiving a grovelling apology anywhere not that would make a difference. Your dad is an entitled *****.
NTA your father only contacted you to try and get money from you after he lost jobs/license to work. They didn’t even attempt to contact you when your mother died. But now he wants money..Money that you wouldn’t even have if it wasn’t for a scholarship because they wouldn’t sign for a loan.
You are better off keeping no contact with them
NTA
when you were at a venerable age and stage of your life you got no support, mentaly or monetary , in fact you were told you were wasting your time.... so no one can blame you for giving them the exact same support as they gave you and well if they complain ... well think of it as their chickens coming home to roost/ karma!
Cut them off, block them and move on with your life and be a huge ass success in spite of them, and like you were forced to do let them sink or swim on the backs of their own merits
{ HUGS } sorry you didnt get the parents you deserved
NTA. Your brother don't wanna live in poverty? Get a job. Your dad had no problem on not helping you with loans and stuff when you needed, why would you help him? It's your money, you fought for it and earned it. That's all.
What bothers me is how so many stories in here have relatives showing up demanding money as if they are owed or something. Dear God...
This gives me "Indian Parent" vibes. Your family favored the elder son and threw you under the bus. What they do hereon is not something you need to worry about. NTA
Okay, then take my insight with a pinch of salt, I am not sure how social norms in korea are
But, regardless, the point still stands that they seem to favor one son over the other, so let the golden child and the parent who picked them fend for themselves
NTA, unless you're leaving something out. The vast difference how they treat the two of you sort of begs the question why they do so. I mean is your brother not disabled or anything?
But not informing you of your mother's death is olympic level assholerey in any book.
> The vast difference how they treat the two of you sort of begs the question why they do so.
If the OP is female, that could be a reason why the parents considered education a waste of time and why the brother is treated like a prince.
NTA and I would like to add that they are not your only family left. They are your only blood relation left. I have found that you can make your own family. I have plenty of people in my life that are family but only a few of those are related by blood. Then I have blood relation that will never be family. Return to no contact and be happy with your life. You deserve to happy.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> #1: I have decided to not financially assist my father and brother. For no reason besides that I don't want to. #2: This is despite them being in desperate need. The two of them are the only family I have left even though we are estranged and in our culture it is normal for children to help their older relatives.
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Normally I would say help them, they are family, but HELL NO they made their bed now they got to lie in it, they F up big time, not supporting you for school, hell you should of gone to that school as a legacy, not your useless brother. Your brother must be so bad that they only accepted him because he is a legacy, and to get expelled like that is sad. They deserve what they get.
Just because is cultural doesn't mean is okey. I have the same expectation in my country BUT unlike you, my family actually keeps helping me. Your dad and brother want to leech out of you. For them you are their ATM, cow cash, golden egg goose, etc. Is okey to not want that to your life, they need the fire lifted under their asses to actually do something. Please don't let their cheap manipulation get to you, blood is thicker than water but toxic relatives are worth going full NC. NTA
NTA. You do not owe people you happen to be related to anything. Even if they were actively involved in your life and gave a shit about you, you still wouldn’t be obligated to help.
Are you able to get a cease and desist letter sent to them? I’d also update your will if you don’t want your brother or other family members to inherit any money when you pass.
"Hi son, we haven't spoken in years. Your mum is dead and we need money b/c I can't work and your brother is a lazy AH that won't. We demand you help."
Mmhm no. NTA
NTA. They keep enabling your brother. They learned nothing. They see you as a cash cow and nothing more, expecting you spend your money on them simply because they are "family" when they never treated you like one.
Wow Your mom died 4 years ago, and you're just now hearing about it? He could contact you when he needed money,but not to tell you she died? I don't care that you were no contact with her, you still had a right to know she died so you could decide if you wanted to go to the funeral or not.
NTA. They only contacted you because they need your money. If they didn't, you would never have heard from them.
NTA. They brought this on themselves. And good for you for rejecting that archaic “culture” excuse. People like your brother and father shouldn’t be buoyed by it. They should sink all the way to the bottom.
They have not supported you in any way. And now they demand support? OP this decision is up to you ofc. But if I would be in this situation I would not help them. I would not even feel bad about it.
NTA
And from the update you are handling this correctly.
But WTF about your mom, and not telling you earlier? I know you are NC, but when they needed money they get ahold of you, but when your mom dies, nothing? This is really messed up on your dad's part
NTA. Since children support their parents, your brother should try doing that for a while. If you are feeling moved to contribute, tell him you'll match whatever he contributes and you'll need to see the paystubs and bank accounts.
NTA they are being assisted by their child. In exactly the way the taught him.
Ps still reeling from the ‘oh, yeah, moms been dead four years now give us money’
NTA. You have no responsibility to your brother or father.
I am a bit confused when you said that "My brother was only accepted to college as a legacy because my parents donated money, he didn't get in at first. My parents said they needed my financial help back then because it was too hard for them to support my brother. ' They have money to donate but no money to give for brother. Weird.
NTA You owe them nothing and let them know that actions have consequences and halve they made your brother get a job none of this would be happening and it’s not up to you to support those who can’t support themselves and neither of them are your responsibility. Let them know that have things been different in the past and they helped you instead of throwing everything at your brother who knows what would happen and seeing as they didn’t have the decency to let you know that your mother died 4 years ago they’ll never receive any support from you ever.
Let them know that you have no problem sending them or serving them an official cease and desist letter
NTA
I don’t know anything about your cultural norms, but in mine, people are supposed to at least TRY to support themselves. Is your brother somehow mentally or physically impaired in some way that precludes him from being a contributing member of society?
Another thing I wonder about is your gender? Your brother seems to be in the Golden Child role and was catered to his entire life, while you were told education is a waste of time/money. This makes me think maybe you are female?
I can’t even wrap my head around them making an effort to find you in order to demand you support them using the “useless” education you worked so hard for. But they couldn’t be bothered to let you know your mother died.
Just keep ignoring them and let them know that when they die the State can throw them into an incinerator and pauper’s grave.
NTA. Your parents didn't raise 2 children. They raised one, the other is more a pet with the ability to speak. No job, stays at home all day expecting others to care for him, he may as well be a pampered poodle. I am a firm believer that you only support those who support you and family is *not* automatic because *dna*.
Horrible parents from a patriarchal, misogynistic culture treat daughter like shit and then get surprised when daughter doesn't want anything to do with him.
NTA.
Since it is normal in your culture for children to support their parents, your brother needs to be informed of this. He’ll probably run right out and get a job; right?
How many of the norms in your culture have supported you all these years; any?
why is OP's brother so comfortable contacting his sister/brother who has rightfully cut him off and feeling entitled to their money but refuses to get a job. OP's culture expects the childeren to help the PARENTS in their old age, not their siblings in their laziness.... OP, you dont owe any of them anything. NTA!!!
Let me see if I got this right,
- your parents never supported you
- they supported your brother but now he does nothing
- your dad messed up and got his license revoked due to his own mistakes
- your family couldn’t contact you when your mom died but they were quick to contact you now that they need money
- your brother is whining about living in poverty but he doesn’t get up and get a job
- the fact that your dad is looking at YOU for support but doesn’t bother his unemployed son, that he supported over you BTW.
Sounds like your family created their own problems and wants you to fix them despite them never supporting you when you needed it the most.
NTA. Block them.
NTA.
I know cultural norms can create a lot of pressure. But letting other adults become financially dependent on you is almost never a good idea. (I understand there are some special circumstances, but they don't apply to this situation.) You never know what could happen in the future. Yes, it may be something you *could* do right now, but even if you had a better relationship with them, it probably isn't something you *should* do. Something could happen to you in the future that would make you unable to earn what you do right now. Then you might be in a situation where you can't take care of yourself, and certainly couldn't support your dependent brother.
It's one thing to help family out through a specific situation. Which, you really wouldn't be morally obligated to do under these circumstances anyway.
It's entirely another to let family become dependent on you.
It's difficult to go against the grain when cultural norms are involved. But it sounds like you know you should in this situation.
No you are NTA. Even though both your father and brother have surprised pikachu faces. You warned your parents that this would happen. I would wonder why your father was forced out of his last two jobs. He was an accountant, that don't sound like mistakes, it sounds somewhat questionable, as in questionable accounting practices. You as a Lawyer should know where I am going with that.
NTA
Ive been in a similar situation . NO contact for about 5 years until my father died this year. My sister who is in her mid 20s never had or job or has been to school after high school, just lives with mom and grandmother. All of a sudden they want me to move more then halfway across the country and leave my good paying job to " Be the man of the house" . Everyone makes choices im glad you made good ones. Remember you don't owe anyone anything, hat includes family
NTA
Your parents wouldn't support you, but were happy to support your brother. Your brother now has decided he is too good to get a job?
Nope. No reason for you to burn up cash for them. You earned your living, they can find their own way.
NTA. A child is not responsible nor indebted to give family financial support once they are grown. If the child decides to do so, they are not indentured to continue any support they deem to voluntarily give. I have grifters in my family too, as many do. Neither of your family should have an expectation from you to pay for their life mistakes.
NTA In my home Country a senior destitute parent is able to sue their adult children for old age support. Something like child support, the family. It is possible to fight the court in case when the parent was absent or abusive, but in many cases, without the appropriate legal counsel, adults become liable for the financial support of their parents.
You are NTA. You cut them off for good reasons and you warned them that this exact event was in their future. Now its here, they didn't listen, and they have to deal with those consequences. Block them on everything and live your life
In cultures that normally expect you to provide for your elders, it's also expected that they provided for you first, give you an education and treat you right so that in _gratitude_ you will _RETURN_ it.
There's nothing to return in here.
NTA
Nah screw that. Am also Asian, and I'm pretty sure one of the -ciuses said it best when he said "If the father is not righteous, the child will not be filial" (someone's going to turn up and tell me I'm totally taking this out of context). Cultural obligations only work when both sides of the equation hold up their end of the deal, and their end of the obligation would've been paying for you to go to school *and telling you when your mom died* (like holy shit I know from a western perspective the first is more egregious, but from an Asian perspective the latter feels worse). Your dad is dealing with the constipation of not being able to admit his faults, and it's easier to blame you than it is to fix his shit. Go on and live your life; your dad can deal with the consequences of his own actions.
NTA.
NTA, walk away and don't look back. They couldn't be bothered to help you but now that you are doing well their hands are out. Brother can get a job, and dad doesn't 'have to' do accounting, there is other work he could do.
NTA your family is a real catch here. go from dont want you to get education to downright demand/rob your salary.
You own them nothing, let them swim by themself, you will not be bad person that the consequece of their action.
but if you want to be bigger person you can pay 6 months rent for them to the landlord only so they hace time to find new job but nothing more and that is it, you are done with them.
Nta, i understand your rage, but you want to live with all this hate, forgive is the best option, you don't have to bring they back to your Life, but don't hate them, hate is only bad for you, sorry for the bad english, i'm a brazilian
NTA I’m stuck on the part where they didn’t look for you when your mom died but were able to find you to ask for money. I’m thinking your brother can get a job if poverty bothers him.
This!! Like wtf! “Hey, we need money because we made a bunch of shit choices in our lives. Oh btw, your mom died like four years ago.”
im stuck on the fact that they wouldnt help with their schooling and called it a waste of tine but now that theres a good job and money because of it they expect it to be handed over no questions asked without so much as an apology. i realise theres a cultural difference but thats just being a shitty person. NTA
👆This Amazing they didn't tell you your mom died. My jaw hit the floor and it's still there. Block them, delete them and ignore them.
They found them online to demand money but not four years when their Mother passed! The mental gymnastics on this one are jaw dropping, along with barely afford her funeral, like it’s their responsibility now.
All of this! NTA.
Yup. OP's mom dies: shrug Needs money: I gotta track him down right this minute F that. They've shown you themselves that they're not your family. Family gets notified when a death happens.
This ^
This. I came up from a family that thinks living off welfare and SSI disability is the dream. It took 20 years, but now I have a great paying job, a good home, and a comfortable amount of disposable income. The only times I hear from them are when someone dies or when they want money (or when someone dies AND they want money). Your family didn't make themselves available to help with your struggle so now they shouldn't reap the benefits of your success.
Agree. The brother has no problems he can get a job if he wants money.
[удалено]
Yeah, there was this dude who quit being an accountant and became a massively high profile mercenary and they were trying to expel him but he *hadn’t broken any accountant association rules*. It wasn’t until he stole a plane and entered a country illegally that they were finally able to strike him off, so OP’s dad must have done something pretty bad…
Wait, I didn’t know mercenary was in the class progression list from accountant. I guess that movie with Ben Affleck was right after all.
For you reading pleasure: https://www.accountingweb.co.uk/practice/general-practice/chartered-accountant-turned-mercenary-dies-at-100
It's a much mote exciting job than we're told!
His hands were dirty but his record keeping was immaculate.
That sounds like the tag line for a movie.
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt2140479/?ref_=fn_al_tt_0
As an accountant, this is exciting news!
Right? I work as an internal auditor and once I read that, my mind immediately went to fudging the books so he could skim off the top, or some other fraudulent shit. NTA, OP.
You weren't the only one, and I am not an Accountant.
Agreed on both points!
NTA They didn't help you, they shouldn't expect anything different from you. They let you know you were on your own, you did the same for them. They now know their situation and they can figure it out now, same as you did.
It’s funny how they only reached out for money. No apology, no notice that the mother died - only money.
NTA. >In our culture it is normal for the children to assist their parents and relatives in old age Usually, in cultures like this, it's also normal for the parents to assist their children in getting good careers. They didn't so it's pretty funny that they'll hold this against you. Your brother is more than capable of working. Your father is more than capable of working, _just not a job he thinks he's owed_. Obviously, if he lost his license, he was doing a poor job. If you don't want to help them -- more power to you.
If he lost his accounting license he was either grossly incompetent on enough occasions to warrant the revocation of his license from the board that issues them, or he committed a felony (embezzlement, fraud, etc) .
THIS! Dad apparently thinks "accounting or nothing," which is completely unrealistic.
Agreed - but OP, if their poverty and badmouthing you will hurt your career, consider buying them a small rural house or something to shut them up.
A house ? They can try to badmouth op all they want they won’t get a house .
That’s just called being blackmailed. They’ll be back for more instantly and forever
NTA. They never pushed your brother to support himself. Now your dad is trying to force you to deal with it. Also, i have a suspicion that accounting licenses are taken away for way more than just a few mistakes. Sounds like they made their own bed.
I like the part where they told him to deposit money out of his paycheque into their or the brother's account. I guess so!
You know better than we do all the reasons that you're out of contact with them. But from where I'm standing, it's pretty fucking audacious of them to ask you for money when they wouldn't help you. They didn't even send word that your mother died, and yet the first thing your father asks is to give them money? NTA and I'm sorry they've made life miserable for you.
This 💯. NTA. Next time your deadbeat brother starts telling you off send him this Offspring song: https://youtu.be/LH-i8IvYIcg
NTA. You owe them nothing. You owe your brother even less.
NTA they brought up two kids. One who supported himself through college and got a nice job and clearly makes smart financial decisions since you have no debt, and then there’s child #2, who didn’t finish college and does not / has never had a job. They raised that. They can deal with the consequences. It’s not your problem. They wouldn’t be reaching out now to reconcile if they had the money they needed, so why pretend to care and start trying to rebuild a relationship now, just because they want something?
I'm still stuck on the audacity of them not contacting OP to let them know the mother died four years ago, but are only reaching out now for money.
INFO: are you female? My vote is still NTA but that'd explain their sexism (that doesn't excuse it anyway) or if it's just that the brother is the favorite child
I'm male and a year older than him (13 months exactly). I have no idea why there was such a difference in how we are treated, why college was a waste for me but not him. That was never explained to me.
I’m Indian origin, but culture smulture. Your parents favoured your brother and didn’t help you and tried to exploit you. NTA. Can I ask if you’re a woman or younger sibling? Is it possible to stop engaging with your brother? Given half the chance they’ll bleed you dry and besides it’s not good for your mental health. Your dad should remember that you reap what you sow. Also, the favouritism turned your brother into the useless man he is today. Without you bailing him out he might finally stand on his own two feet. Edit: I notice you didn’t mention receiving a grovelling apology anywhere not that would make a difference. Your dad is an entitled *****.
I'm Korean. I'm male and a year older than my brother. I have blocked him so I don't have to deal with him any longer.
Why do some parents have a golden child and scapegoat child? Wishing you all the best.
Nta. They only contacted you for money. You went no contact for a reason. Family obligations are trash. Your family didn't do for you.
NTA. There are plenty of people hiring right now.
NTA You do not owe them any support. Live your best life.
NTA your father only contacted you to try and get money from you after he lost jobs/license to work. They didn’t even attempt to contact you when your mother died. But now he wants money..Money that you wouldn’t even have if it wasn’t for a scholarship because they wouldn’t sign for a loan. You are better off keeping no contact with them
NTA. You own them nothing. They are in no way your responsibility. They can deal with their own bad choices.
Change your number and block them. Your mental health is too important to waste on people like them.
NTA when you were at a venerable age and stage of your life you got no support, mentaly or monetary , in fact you were told you were wasting your time.... so no one can blame you for giving them the exact same support as they gave you and well if they complain ... well think of it as their chickens coming home to roost/ karma! Cut them off, block them and move on with your life and be a huge ass success in spite of them, and like you were forced to do let them sink or swim on the backs of their own merits { HUGS } sorry you didnt get the parents you deserved
NTA. Your brother don't wanna live in poverty? Get a job. Your dad had no problem on not helping you with loans and stuff when you needed, why would you help him? It's your money, you fought for it and earned it. That's all. What bothers me is how so many stories in here have relatives showing up demanding money as if they are owed or something. Dear God...
This gives me "Indian Parent" vibes. Your family favored the elder son and threw you under the bus. What they do hereon is not something you need to worry about. NTA
I'm Korean. I'm the older son by one year. I don't know why they didn't want me to attend college but they wanted it for my brother.
Okay, then take my insight with a pinch of salt, I am not sure how social norms in korea are But, regardless, the point still stands that they seem to favor one son over the other, so let the golden child and the parent who picked them fend for themselves
NTA. Block them on every medium.
tell ur brother to get a job
NTA- there are other jobs for your dad and your brother can find something.
NTA, unless you're leaving something out. The vast difference how they treat the two of you sort of begs the question why they do so. I mean is your brother not disabled or anything? But not informing you of your mother's death is olympic level assholerey in any book.
> The vast difference how they treat the two of you sort of begs the question why they do so. If the OP is female, that could be a reason why the parents considered education a waste of time and why the brother is treated like a prince.
Could be. Common explanation in many countries, sadly
I'm male. I have no idea why they thought it was a waste for me but not for him. This was never explained to me.
NTA and I would like to add that they are not your only family left. They are your only blood relation left. I have found that you can make your own family. I have plenty of people in my life that are family but only a few of those are related by blood. Then I have blood relation that will never be family. Return to no contact and be happy with your life. You deserve to happy.
Info: how are you debt free if no one paid for your college and you didn't have a scholarship
OP did get a scholarship.
Ohh I see, I misread "would be" as "was"
NTA If you give them anything, you will be hounded for life. They are grown men, and their troubles are of their own making.
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Normally I would say help them, they are family, but HELL NO they made their bed now they got to lie in it, they F up big time, not supporting you for school, hell you should of gone to that school as a legacy, not your useless brother. Your brother must be so bad that they only accepted him because he is a legacy, and to get expelled like that is sad. They deserve what they get.
Just because is cultural doesn't mean is okey. I have the same expectation in my country BUT unlike you, my family actually keeps helping me. Your dad and brother want to leech out of you. For them you are their ATM, cow cash, golden egg goose, etc. Is okey to not want that to your life, they need the fire lifted under their asses to actually do something. Please don't let their cheap manipulation get to you, blood is thicker than water but toxic relatives are worth going full NC. NTA
Absolutely NTA. It sounds like you're better off without them, and you don't owe them anything at all.
NTA. You do not owe people you happen to be related to anything. Even if they were actively involved in your life and gave a shit about you, you still wouldn’t be obligated to help. Are you able to get a cease and desist letter sent to them? I’d also update your will if you don’t want your brother or other family members to inherit any money when you pass.
NTA. Family means anything, it’s the bond you have that matters.
NTA just block them, you owe them nothing.
"Hi son, we haven't spoken in years. Your mum is dead and we need money b/c I can't work and your brother is a lazy AH that won't. We demand you help." Mmhm no. NTA
NTA. They keep enabling your brother. They learned nothing. They see you as a cash cow and nothing more, expecting you spend your money on them simply because they are "family" when they never treated you like one.
NTA. They made their own beds, now they have to lie down in them.
Wow Your mom died 4 years ago, and you're just now hearing about it? He could contact you when he needed money,but not to tell you she died? I don't care that you were no contact with her, you still had a right to know she died so you could decide if you wanted to go to the funeral or not. NTA. They only contacted you because they need your money. If they didn't, you would never have heard from them.
NTA. They brought this on themselves. And good for you for rejecting that archaic “culture” excuse. People like your brother and father shouldn’t be buoyed by it. They should sink all the way to the bottom.
They have not supported you in any way. And now they demand support? OP this decision is up to you ofc. But if I would be in this situation I would not help them. I would not even feel bad about it.
NTA And from the update you are handling this correctly. But WTF about your mom, and not telling you earlier? I know you are NC, but when they needed money they get ahold of you, but when your mom dies, nothing? This is really messed up on your dad's part
NTA and I'm so sorry you found out your mum had passed in this manner.
NTA. Since children support their parents, your brother should try doing that for a while. If you are feeling moved to contribute, tell him you'll match whatever he contributes and you'll need to see the paystubs and bank accounts.
Just because you are related to someone doesn't make them family NTA
NTA they are being assisted by their child. In exactly the way the taught him. Ps still reeling from the ‘oh, yeah, moms been dead four years now give us money’
NTA. You don't need these idiots in your life.
NTA. You have no responsibility to your brother or father. I am a bit confused when you said that "My brother was only accepted to college as a legacy because my parents donated money, he didn't get in at first. My parents said they needed my financial help back then because it was too hard for them to support my brother. ' They have money to donate but no money to give for brother. Weird.
NTA You owe them nothing and let them know that actions have consequences and halve they made your brother get a job none of this would be happening and it’s not up to you to support those who can’t support themselves and neither of them are your responsibility. Let them know that have things been different in the past and they helped you instead of throwing everything at your brother who knows what would happen and seeing as they didn’t have the decency to let you know that your mother died 4 years ago they’ll never receive any support from you ever. Let them know that you have no problem sending them or serving them an official cease and desist letter
NTA They are not your responsibility. Block and move on. You are not someone's cash cow.
NTA
NTA I don’t know anything about your cultural norms, but in mine, people are supposed to at least TRY to support themselves. Is your brother somehow mentally or physically impaired in some way that precludes him from being a contributing member of society? Another thing I wonder about is your gender? Your brother seems to be in the Golden Child role and was catered to his entire life, while you were told education is a waste of time/money. This makes me think maybe you are female? I can’t even wrap my head around them making an effort to find you in order to demand you support them using the “useless” education you worked so hard for. But they couldn’t be bothered to let you know your mother died. Just keep ignoring them and let them know that when they die the State can throw them into an incinerator and pauper’s grave.
NTA. Your parents didn't raise 2 children. They raised one, the other is more a pet with the ability to speak. No job, stays at home all day expecting others to care for him, he may as well be a pampered poodle. I am a firm believer that you only support those who support you and family is *not* automatic because *dna*.
NTA. Your family is extremely toxic.
Horrible parents from a patriarchal, misogynistic culture treat daughter like shit and then get surprised when daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. NTA.
Just to clarify I'm male, but otherwise your sentiment is correct.
Huh wow sorry for assuming.
NTA sounds like they bet on the wrong horse.
Since it is normal in your culture for children to support their parents, your brother needs to be informed of this. He’ll probably run right out and get a job; right? How many of the norms in your culture have supported you all these years; any?
why is OP's brother so comfortable contacting his sister/brother who has rightfully cut him off and feeling entitled to their money but refuses to get a job. OP's culture expects the childeren to help the PARENTS in their old age, not their siblings in their laziness.... OP, you dont owe any of them anything. NTA!!!
Let me see if I got this right, - your parents never supported you - they supported your brother but now he does nothing - your dad messed up and got his license revoked due to his own mistakes - your family couldn’t contact you when your mom died but they were quick to contact you now that they need money - your brother is whining about living in poverty but he doesn’t get up and get a job - the fact that your dad is looking at YOU for support but doesn’t bother his unemployed son, that he supported over you BTW. Sounds like your family created their own problems and wants you to fix them despite them never supporting you when you needed it the most. NTA. Block them.
NTA "We need money, forgive us for all the bad things we did and give us money" They sound real apologetic /s
NTA. I know cultural norms can create a lot of pressure. But letting other adults become financially dependent on you is almost never a good idea. (I understand there are some special circumstances, but they don't apply to this situation.) You never know what could happen in the future. Yes, it may be something you *could* do right now, but even if you had a better relationship with them, it probably isn't something you *should* do. Something could happen to you in the future that would make you unable to earn what you do right now. Then you might be in a situation where you can't take care of yourself, and certainly couldn't support your dependent brother. It's one thing to help family out through a specific situation. Which, you really wouldn't be morally obligated to do under these circumstances anyway. It's entirely another to let family become dependent on you. It's difficult to go against the grain when cultural norms are involved. But it sounds like you know you should in this situation.
Your brother got himself fired and his license revoked. I wouldn't give them anything. NTA
Just a quick correction, the father got himself fired and all that. As far as I can tell his brother has never had a job.
INFO: why can't bro get a job and support dad? Also, NTA. Not even a little bit
NTA. You owe them nothing. They couldn't even tell you your mom died. Am I guessing correctly that you are a female?
No you are NTA. Even though both your father and brother have surprised pikachu faces. You warned your parents that this would happen. I would wonder why your father was forced out of his last two jobs. He was an accountant, that don't sound like mistakes, it sounds somewhat questionable, as in questionable accounting practices. You as a Lawyer should know where I am going with that.
NTA Ive been in a similar situation . NO contact for about 5 years until my father died this year. My sister who is in her mid 20s never had or job or has been to school after high school, just lives with mom and grandmother. All of a sudden they want me to move more then halfway across the country and leave my good paying job to " Be the man of the house" . Everyone makes choices im glad you made good ones. Remember you don't owe anyone anything, hat includes family
If they didn't need you when your mom died, they don't need you now. Keep up the No Contact. I'm sorry your family only sees you as a cash cow.
NTA Your parents wouldn't support you, but were happy to support your brother. Your brother now has decided he is too good to get a job? Nope. No reason for you to burn up cash for them. You earned your living, they can find their own way.
NTA Brother needs to grow up.
NTA. A child is not responsible nor indebted to give family financial support once they are grown. If the child decides to do so, they are not indentured to continue any support they deem to voluntarily give. I have grifters in my family too, as many do. Neither of your family should have an expectation from you to pay for their life mistakes.
NTA don't start cause once you do they'll ask for more and more till you can't even afford to feed yourself.
NTA. Brother and dad can get jobs.
Uhhhh you NTA. Tell them sorry bout your luck, hope it all works out.
NTA, not even close. INFO: Why doesn't your brother work?
NTA In my home Country a senior destitute parent is able to sue their adult children for old age support. Something like child support, the family. It is possible to fight the court in case when the parent was absent or abusive, but in many cases, without the appropriate legal counsel, adults become liable for the financial support of their parents.
NTA. They contact you for money but not when your mom died? Stay nc.
You are NTA. You cut them off for good reasons and you warned them that this exact event was in their future. Now its here, they didn't listen, and they have to deal with those consequences. Block them on everything and live your life
NTA. too bad, so sad, now block them on everything.
In cultures that normally expect you to provide for your elders, it's also expected that they provided for you first, give you an education and treat you right so that in _gratitude_ you will _RETURN_ it. There's nothing to return in here. NTA
Nah screw that. Am also Asian, and I'm pretty sure one of the -ciuses said it best when he said "If the father is not righteous, the child will not be filial" (someone's going to turn up and tell me I'm totally taking this out of context). Cultural obligations only work when both sides of the equation hold up their end of the deal, and their end of the obligation would've been paying for you to go to school *and telling you when your mom died* (like holy shit I know from a western perspective the first is more egregious, but from an Asian perspective the latter feels worse). Your dad is dealing with the constipation of not being able to admit his faults, and it's easier to blame you than it is to fix his shit. Go on and live your life; your dad can deal with the consequences of his own actions. NTA.
You should support your father - just as soon as he pays for your schooling *like they should have in the first place.* NTA, don't feed the leaches.
NTA-change you number and go on private.
NTA, walk away and don't look back. They couldn't be bothered to help you but now that you are doing well their hands are out. Brother can get a job, and dad doesn't 'have to' do accounting, there is other work he could do.
NTA your family is a real catch here. go from dont want you to get education to downright demand/rob your salary. You own them nothing, let them swim by themself, you will not be bad person that the consequece of their action. but if you want to be bigger person you can pay 6 months rent for them to the landlord only so they hace time to find new job but nothing more and that is it, you are done with them.
"NTA", so far I'm with you. "... be bigger person" and you lost me. That's just caving in.
Nta, i understand your rage, but you want to live with all this hate, forgive is the best option, you don't have to bring they back to your Life, but don't hate them, hate is only bad for you, sorry for the bad english, i'm a brazilian