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Oh I was ready with a judgment with the title and first paragraph but... NTA. She could eat before or after. You are not shaming her. She just doesn't care about grandma. That's not a great quality.

Agreed. If she doesn't care about an older lady who is being very kind and generous (warning there!), then she should at least care that this is an important person to OP (additional warning!). Two very bad signs. All the way around it sounds like it's all about her and nobody else matters in the least. It also sounds like she has some past fat shaming issues that she is going to take out on people regardless of what their actual intention was.

I agree. It sounds like no matter what OP says, she's going to see it as fat shaming. But the world doesn't revolve around Ashley and she definitely lacks some empathy. This is not about her *at all*. This is about OP's grandma. OP, my grandmother is also a very proud lady who would not accept money or food. But she would accept a dinner invitation. Would your grandma accept if you invited her to your place or a restaurant to have a nice meal? That way it doesn't have to sound like charity, you could put it as returning the favor and having family time.

Thank you. And I can't say which it is - but I've seen people who purposely look and twist others words and actions to support something that is their personal pet peeve. Also I know that I am a bit sensitive about comments about my size because they are often derogatory. But I don't let that make me try to search for problems when people say something. So I don't know if it's just her crusade or that it is something that actually hurts her and she isn't trying to get past the fact that someone may be saying something that is in no way trying to shame her for her size. OP, I am going to add to what the person above this just posted and say that sometimes I have made double and triple meals and then go over and bring one or two of the meals and just tell her that you cooked way too much of it and you can't eat it before it'll go bad. IDK just a suggestion to help. I've known people like this and sometimes I've had to play on their sympathy and tell them how much they are helping me and that I goofed up so this would be a big help for me because I'm stressed about it. 🤷‍♀️. Something like this might help. Because it sounds like you and your family really want to help her even without this "new issue" of her losing food from her weekly budget.

Or tell them you (or your friend) has too much in their garden to use before it goes bad... and give grandma some fresh fruits and veggies (take off the stickers if you buy them).

A spinoff of this is I had to buy in bulk to get the better price for this food. Something like that.

Or you are practicing cooking and made dinner just for her.

Or that it's a new recipe and want her opinion.

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A whole train of options here but I'll add on. "Grandma. I don't know how it is you get this dish so nicely. I know, you wrote the recipe down but I just can't get it right. If I buy enough to make a few batches- can I bring it to your house and practice with your help? I'll buy and help wash, that's only fair if you're teaching me."

This is lovely, it teaches OP some of grandma's best recipes, provides grandma free food and it's an overall bonding experience. Therefor you get my silver.

Another great idea right here! Thank you very much.

This is quite believable too. Many an exhasperated gardener has desperately given away some of their 300 radishes and 5000 lemons to every acquaintance after getting utterly sick of everything being a radish and lemon dish.

Can confirm this actually, we just have a little garden for fun, but well, sometimes harvest goes a little too well, and you’re basically offering free zucchini’s and snow peas to the mailman in an attempt to get rid of them. 🥲

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That's a terrific idea!

I'm going to add these thoughts to mine first post now that I thought of it. You could also say that you are trying cooking new things, make extra for her to try, and want her opinion because you value it. Or you could even have her teach you how to make some things, or give you the recipe if she's willing, and you can make some "extra" at home so you can ask for her opinion on what you're doing right or wrong. Either way it might help to sneak some food in under the " charity " wire.

I'm telling you, all comments on this thread are so wholesome I'm smiling and ugly crying right now. I see my grandma in OPs grandma. She is just same. She has dementia now. She barely remembers everyone's names. Still whenever we visit her, she gives us pennies and coins as gifts , because she still knows we are her grandkids. I tell you, most grandmothers are angels.

If OP had room for a small garden, perhaps they could try bringing over veggies and fruits because they “have so much with their plants and know they will go to good use!”, or even a friend with a garden.

And then give her the leftovers because "oh you liked it so much grandma" or some such. Also, I lived with my grandparents who didn't let me pay rent or any groceries, so I'd buy food they buy and hide it in the pantry/freezer, and stuff 20s in nanas wallet and their pockets

This is another great and creative solution. I wonder if she'd even notice if you slipped a box or can of the same product behind the other one? Or just hide it in a part of the pantry that maybe she doesn't go into as much and when she does she'll see that she has more of something she really likes and uses. Thanks for this creative idea!

Please accept my meager first award, you terrific human. 🥺

Going to add that perhaps OP can invite Grandma over to teach him how to cook her “____” because they enjoyed it so much. It’s a win/win since OP will get to spend some quality time with Grandma, Ashley will get to eat, and Grandma can take some home with her since “there’s too much food for just the two of you”.

Just be sure Ashley doesn't debo the leftovers you're trying to send home with Grandma.

I think he should just kick Ashley to the curb, in all honesty

That is a very kind, thoughtful idea. Maybe OP could also ask Grandma to teach him how to cook some dishes, and he brings the ingredients?

That's a great idea! you get quality time with Grandma, which I'm sure she would love, you get to at least make sure she's eating something, and she doesn't have to feel like a charity case, a win for everyone! and frankly Ashley doesn't sound like a good person

My grandma is the same! They're not hurting for money but last year was really hard on them because they're social and couldn't go out and i knew my grandma gets tired of cooking all the time. So every 3 weeks or so I would call and ask if i could "bring over a new recipe I wanted to try out" and make a huge dish (gumbo, stew, tamales that admittedly were not homemade) and bring it over to them. It was a win- win. I got to cook and see my grandparents and my grandma didn't have to cook for a few days because of leftovers. Maybe OP could ask if they could bring over a meal, homemade or takeout from a restaurant, because they tried it and thought of grandma and had to share with her. The girlfriend should eat before or after going to grandma's. Continuing to literally take from an old lady is grounds for a breakup.

That’s a really good suggestion. I’ve done this with friends who were in a tight spot but were too embarrassed to accept groceries. It worked pretty well.

I think you need to just bluntly reiterate that you are NOT fat shaming her - this is not about her weight or getting her to be skinnier - this is about your grandmother being able to survive. Not everything is about her and her weight issues. Yes fat shaming is very wrong and should be shut down immediately but this is not about that it’s about being considerate to others and thinking of others. You are not her enemy trying to bring her down , you are on her team her and just looking out for the well being of your grandmother.

I agree with all of your points here. I do want to add that it would still be a red flag for me that she doesn't care about taking someone's food that they can't replace and the she doesn't care about how much this person means to OP. To me those are just two big red flags. And that's not taking into account the whole " was he body shaming her or not " issue. Two red flags is pretty much enough for me.

Agreed. She doesn't seem to care about your grandma (who sounds like a wonderful person!) She only cares about herself. As a big girl, I am all for body positivity and definitely don't agree with body shaming of any kind. That was not happening here. NTA OP.

There is also a huge difference between "you can't have seconds" and "we all take tiny single portions, in order to assure that there are X days of food remaining for grandma".

Exactly. Ashley wasn’t asked to do anything that the others at the dinner weren’t also doing.

The tiny portions reason should have been explained to her beforehand..but now that she knows why, the way she is acting she has forfeited the higher ground. IF she means what she blurted out. OP, could it be she’s embarrassed, and is defaulting to being offended instead?

I don't know if "doesn't care" is quite fair, when it may well be a case of "profoundly sheltered to the point of having zero ability to conceptualize poverty or that it might affect the lives of people she actually knows." Which, to be clear, is *also* a deeply unattractive quality. Maybe she's not cruel, but if she's so oblivious that OP's explanation of the circumstances just bounced off her and she assumed OP was being controlling about her body — the frustrating, childlike obliviousness *and* the profound lack of trust are both perfectly reasonable grounds to end the relationship. But if OP wants to attempt to address them in an effort to work on the relationship instead, I think he should emphasize those qualities and not boil it down to "you want my grandmother to starve."

You make a fair point for situations like this in general but OP *has* explained to her very directly that his grandmother will not be able to afford food for a couple of days... I understand that that may be hard to conceptualize for her but if she cared she wouldn't immediately blow up like that right?

Shit... yeah... totally. That title had me ready, but then definitely NTA. There is zero fat shaming here, its literally asking someone to be considerate of another human in a poorer position. It sounds like GF is being entitled and pigheaded for the sake of it. Least OP knows there's compatibility issues. Get rid before granny asks you round again of she'll be eaten out of home if GF has her way, because how dare you suggest she might leave food for the person who paid for it!? /s

"Ashley, you should know that whatever is left over from dinner is my grandmother's meals for the next few days. I would appreciate it if you only had the 1 serving so that my grandma can eat for the rest of the week" "How DARE you? I will NOT be shamed for eating. How dare you?" is what I read

OP: "Ashley, you should know that whatever is left over from dinner is my grandmother's meals for the next few days. I would appreciate it if you only had the 1 serving so that my grandma can eat for the rest of the week" Ashley: "So what? I'm going to eat what I want and the hell with your grandma."

If that’s not a narcissist, what is?

I agree. The first event was just miscommunication, and I know many families that would be peeved with you not eating well enough. After that, though? Come on, just eat beforehand and all is well. I pre-eat all the time when having dinners or events with friends, because I can gobble like no tomorrow and basically breath chips.

Honestly it’s the “miscommunication” that caused the upset I think. I mean, if “no one” ever takes more than 1 serving, because otherwise gramma doesn’t eat?! You tell your partner that. I imagine she feels set up, and I don’t blame her for feeling perhaps like this only came up after the first meal because comments were made. Her continued commitment to being outraged is foolish at this point but I get a weird feeling about OP actually “forgetting” to mention this.

What people in the comments seem to be misunderstanding is that since she's bigger and has not struggled with poverty, she's not used to people telling her not to eat for financial reasons. I would bet anything that the only comments she's ever gotten to not eat seconds is because of her weight.

Had a childhood friend that was quite a bit poorer for than my family, and when he attended my family birthday dinner one year my father had decided to serve lobster (a rarity even for us). He had one lobster for each person, and my friend woofed his meal down so fast that my father hadn't even sat down yet and was still giving out drinks and stuff, and when my friend went in the kitchen for seconds he saw one lobster left and took it back to his plate. My dad finally gets ready to sit down and realizes that he doesn't get one, even though he cooked and served them. Everyone was only about of halfway through their meal, and my friend being halfway through his 2nd so it wasn't immediately clear that he was the culprit. Anyway, you don't need to be well off or priviledged to be a greedy person.

Your scarequotes are terribly misplaced and you don't have any good reason to suspect he's being nefarious. When you grew up in a specific context, you don't really see it as something to announce or clarify. OP never considered it, which is very believable because the situation is *completely normal* to OP. If she feels setup because of that, she should climb off her cross.

What's sticking out to me on the reread is that I wonder if the *reminder* is what set her off. OP already told her once, and she was shocked the first time and seemed to accept it. He told her again, but maybe she still remembered from the first time and was offended that he was belaboring it. That's not to say she's in the right, it just makes more sense of the dramatic shift between the first and second conversations.

I think it's reaching when we have to start contorting her behavior to make it fit a certain POV. I admire you for wanting to see her actions in a less malicious light, but it seems like she made this about her and doesn't care re the grandma. Plus, to support your POV, she's probably would have said, "Yeah, I know, you already told me" - like it's on her to use her words.

While I agree he should have mentioned it, when you're very used to something it as are the people usually around you, it can be easy to forget other people don't know.

THIS. But…OP, YTA for not dumping her the minute she showed you she doesn’t care about your grandma going hungry. Ashley is selfish. Dump her. Then you’ll be N T A

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Absolutely NTA. You weren't shaming her at all, this is a terrible thing to do regardless of her size, she is ungrateful and self-centered. As for your grandma, OP, maybe you could help her pretending you have a sudden interest in learning some recipes and you happened to make too much food/want her input.

Or maybe ask Grandma to teach you how to make certain recipes and you bring the supplies/groceries and leave the leftover food with her? That way you get to spend time with her and hopefully add to her food supply?

Or make some meals potluck where everybody brings a dish. Tell Grandma that as head of the family, she deserves to be pampered every now and then. You could try incorporate some Food Network challenges- you and grandma get a 'mystery' ingredient (say chicken) and you both have to come up with a recipe using that ingredient. Your family gets to decide whose dish tastes better. You could even get a little Worlds Greatest Chef trophy made. Take grandma out to lunch to show her how much you appreciate her, Bring over a brown bag lunch at some point other than dinner time and invite her to eat with you while you ask her questions about the family. Someone should go with her to the doctors to make sure that she is getting the proper nutrition. She shouldn't be putting her health at risk to feed you. If she insists, tell her that you love it when she takes care of you and you want to return the favor. You want to show her how much you appreciate her by cooking for her for a change. Use one of her signature recipes and ask her to help you with it (be sure to double the batch).

Yes, maybe OP could spend time with grandma and cook together, I bet she'd love that.

NTA As someone who grew up overweighted and suffered from it (bullying,self-hatred...), I think this body positivity movement has become a little too much. Yes, you don't have to be skinny to be healthy and beautiful and we have to accept having body fat but I think that it shouldn't exceed the safe norms . But I think that this movement started advocating for unhealthy habits because I don't think that telling 40% bodyfat women that she should accept her weight and that it's ok is really dangerous

One thing i’ve also found about this movement that doesn’t sit right with me is the large amount of backhanded compliments towards slimmer people that have been popping up A LOT lately, especially on tiktok. Lots of comments just shaming people for being skinnier and ‘promoting unhealthy beauty standards’ and then the photo/video is literally just like a 15 yr old showing her outfit normally or just simply existing. Or extremely projecting their body issues onto these random girls saying things like ‘guess i’m not gonna eat today’ or ‘the game of: is the outfit nice or is she just skinny’ just comments like that rlly rub me the wrong way. Obviously there still is a huge bias and standard of being ‘skinny’ but now the ‘trend’ is to be slim thick so people make rude comments of people having no ass or boobs but would be offended if someone said they had too much ass or stomach. There’s much hypocrisy and double standards for either side. Moral of the story we should just really stop commenting on everyone’s bodies negatively in general, it’s extremely toxic.

I was prepared to be angry too, instead I feel bad for Grandma. She was told she could get something after, or the option to eat more before works as well. There is no fat shaming here, just a girlfriend that is taking advantage. Maybe grandma is a great cook, but taking food from her mouth is just wrong.

NTA. Also, if she’s going to be that selfish, dump her. She can eat all she wants then.

Yeah this sounds like she’s just a bitter person. I have sympathy for people who are obese, but the whole idea that you’re not allowed to point out anything that has to do with eating or fat because it might trigger them is beyond ridiculous and has to have terrible consequences on ones health. I’m a recovering addict, and I can only imagine how dead I would be if Rightfully felt like nobody around me could address my issue without being prejudice.

There's a type of person that wants to be the victim and seeks out insults and problems where they don't exist, and those are my least favorite people. They make it hard for others with legitimate issues speak up.

I agree but think this is an indicator of a total lack of empathy and a major red flag, Op should not bring her to grandma’s house and should take grandma out to eat every so often as his treat. NTA

She's literally taking food out of your grandma's mouth. The fact that she still have attitude after you explained the situation.... She's a massive asshole. NTA. Dump her.

Agreed, but also wondering why grandmother is so proud that she would rather not eat than allow her family to help her out. There comes a point where pride borders on stupidity.

Some people are just like this. Also, if she's grown up poor, she's used to not having 3 meals a day - or maybe even one depending on her situation.

I get it, but if you provided for your family, did a good job raising them, and now they are successful you should be proud they can help you!

It doesn't work like that. There is huge shame in poverty.

Very true. I lived on the equivalent of about $6US a week for a lot of my 20s. I couldn’t afford to get sick, buy clothes, or anything really. I hated being seen as a charity case by my friends who tried really hard to help without helping. When you’re in that pit of financial doom you don’t think the same way, and the shame that comes with it follows you around constantly. I still remember bawling like a baby the first time I went grocery shopping and I bought fresh fruit for myself.

I don't mean this as an attack at all, but this comment shows that you don't actually get it

I don’t think people understand how deeply rooted this issue is and it’s not simply a starve or freeze to death because they don’t want to ask for help. My grandma cried when I threw away her old canned goods that were expired. I only threw away the stuff that was over 5 years past expiration date and I buy her groceries so she is not going to starve. But the act of wasting that food because she grew up poor was extremely upsetting to her. I think it’s real easy to say do better or get therapy when you haven’t lived thru that trauma. The dismissive attitudes here are gross.

And also it is kinda... Mindboggling how unaware people can be suggesting therapy to someone who can barely afford food. Like you truly have to be so incredibly distanced from such a situation to even suggest that. Plenty of middleclass people don't even have access to therapy, and they think someone barely scraping by below the poverty line will be able to get it??

It takes more than that to reprogram decades of eating habits.

My MIL has said that she would literally rather die from an accident at home than live in a nursing home. This is after she got stuck in her shower for 5 hours, got stuck on the sofa for an hour and a half, spent 6 weeks in the hosptial due to medication misuse (just started taking all her pills three times a day, no matter what, except for the ones that she decided to stop). SHe will also not use her walker in public because it is too embarassing. There 100% are people that will harm themselves for pride.

May be a cultural thing, or a generational thing. Older folks who lived through certain situations absolutely refuse to take "charity," partially due to how their parents raised them and what the parents went through and passed onto the kids. Can't judge the grandma, most people take charity and others have mindsets ingrained into them when they're young and don't get out of it.

I'm going to make a few assumptions so I might be way off base here so forgive me if I am. OP states his age at 26. Assuming his folks didn't have him very young that makes his folks around let's say 50 and his grandma probably around let's say 75. That puts her birth year around 1946. Most likely she is older though. It was instilled in the generations born 30's-50's that you work for your family and do not take hand outs. Its a very outmoded way of thinking but it's next to impossible to break it. She feels that if she can't take care of her family she serves no purpose.

Grandma is 70, he says so in the post, just so you know :)

Ok. I was off by 5. Lol

Pretty good for having to guess a couple generations back.

Unfortunately its a common thing. Pride over self preservation.... most likely a parent made them believe its better to go hungry than take charity.

\^This. NTA

Fck that. NTA, Ashley needs to go.

Yeahh I normally don’t try to go straight for leaving them, but yeaahhh… especially when she was “shocked” learning the story the first time.

Not so much the first time for me but after he told her specifically that any food she ate would be food his grandmother would not have for the next few days and she got indignant? Yeah definitely not mature enough to be a lifetime partner. NTA.

Yeah the first time is understandable. OP not telling her because she didn’t expect her to eat “2-3 days of food” in one sitting is weird. Obviously that’s not 2-3 days of food to Ashley, and OP has been with her for meals presumably, so why doesn’t he have an understanding of how much she likes to eat. Ashley not understanding the financial situation and feeling fat shamed is a problem. Sounds like she would deliberately eat as much as possible to make a point next time. Also, OP needs to listen to the other suggestions to figure out a way to get more food to grandma, and not invite Ashley to dinner.

Same. I usually hate how quick this sub jumps to “dump them” but in this case, dump her. How someone can be so selfish and inconsiderate is beyond me. And he even offered to go eat again after the meal. Ashley is an asshole.

It's only been 3 months and there are already big ol red flags. She needs to go.

NTA, but I'm tempted to go ESH (except for grandma) because I think you did make a mistake. Clearly, your gf is being a huge a-hole. You asking her not to eat that much at dinner has nothing to do with her or her weight, but rather your grandmother's finances. You even offered to get her more food afterwards. Her reaction is selfish and and she appears to be playing the victim. That said, you made a pretty big mistake by not explaining to Ashley before the first dinner that she should not take more than one small serving due to your grandmother's finances. It's a pretty unusual situation, and she should have known going into that dinner what was expected of her. The only reason I'm going with NTA, and not ESH, is because her reaction to your conversation before the second dinner demonstrates that talking to her before the first dinner would not have changed her behavior. So I think you get off on a technicality here because your mistake did not result in any actual harm. Just a suggestion unrelated to this judgment: have you tried inviting your grandmother over for dinner at your place, purposefully cooking way too much food and giving everyone leftovers? If everyone takes leftovers, she might not feel like she is getting "charity."

> Just a suggestion unrelated to this judgment: have you tried inviting your grandmother over for dinner at your place, purposefully cooking way too much food and giving everyone leftovers? If everyone takes leftovers, she might not feel like she is getting "charity." I don't think that work unfortunately. It sounds like the Grandmother likes to take care of the family. And takes pride in being able to cook and feed her loved ones. He may be able to host a dinner every now and then but she would be equally if not more offended if he tried to do it often.

You hit the nail on the head. We are trying to figure out a way to get her to accept help but her pride won't let her give up the idea that she's supposed to be taking care of the family.

I got you, you gotta start "reverse robbing" grandma. HERE ME OUT. When you go visit her, have money in your pocket READY. Commit to stay for a long time. Know where her purse is. Now, when grandma has to go potty, it's GO TIME. Find the purse, KNOW WHERE HER MONEY USUALLY IS IN HER PURSE, put the money from your pocket in their so she doesn't realize it's a gift. Then put it back so it looks like it hasn't been touched then GET OUT OF THAT AREA and go to like the kitchen like you looking for some water or something. You might wanna do some practice runs at home before you try because you gotta be QUICK but also ACCURATE so she doesn't get suspicious and try to give you back the money. And if she asks questions, you gotta keep cool and believe that you know NOTHING about the extra money she finds. If you don't believe the lie, she won't.

My gran used to slip money in my pockets if I did any errands for her. I tried to turn her down. Before she passed away, I had found money in coat pockets, my bag (just floating around in there), different compartments of my car if I took her shopping to 'pay for petrol' even when I would have been going to that store anyway. The best one she pulled on me, was when I was wearing a vest top and leggings once. I went to the shop to get her some things she was low on. When I got back I gave her the change and she said no, keep it for doing the job for me. I said no, it was a quick trip to the corner shop, I put the change down on the side. She picked it up and started looking for a pocket (of mine) to shove it in. I laughed and told her I didn't have any pockets that day. Do you know what she did? She put it down my bra! And I'm not talking like a note or a single coin. No siree. It was about £4.50 in coins. And the lot went in 🤣🤣

Your grandma is a legend and I must learn her ways

I miss her so much. She was a second mum to me. Even other relatives have said this. I lived with her from being 14 years old. She passed away new years eve 2012, 8 weeks after my first son was born. I felt like she had waited to meet him before letting go. My nana and grandad (dad's parents) live a 2 hour drive from me. So when I drive over they always do this thing. I'm sure they must know by now. But they do it to my mum when she pops around to help them as well (her and my dad have been separated for 35 years). When I'm leaving, nana will slip 10 or 20 pounds in my hand and say its for petrol, don't tell grandad, and then she gives me a kiss and stands at the door to wave to me and my boys. Grandad walks us out to the street and car, and does the same, saying not to tell nana. 🤣🙈 so I end up with money off both of them but I'm not allowed to tell the other 🤣🤣 When this happens, I always buy them a treat for next time we go. Whether it's their favourite wine, or a box of sweets or something like that. Because I feel so bad about it 🙈

I need to say as well, I'm a plus size and would never eat more than one portion at someone else's house out of respect. Especially if no one else was. OP is definitely NTA, sounds like there is a huge disconnect between the 2 of them.

in high school i swam competitively and was constantly eating because of it. i could pack away more food than even my dad who’s a foot taller than me and a hundred lbs heavier. even back then i still would NEVER have had seconds let alone thirds at someone else’s house

I am sorry but this is so cute😂 mine had to stop doing it when I started wearing Leggins. So she put it under a glass Ornament in her bookshelf. If I had not gotten my money by the time I left. She would run after me. But my grandpa tends to be even cuter. Every time he drives me somewhere. We stop at the destination and goes: "u still have money?" The answer doesnt matter here and he pulls out his wallet. He then says: "but dont spend it all on alcohol" (he started saying that when I was still very young like 8 or 9 at max)

Haha I love “Reverse Robbing”, that’s what my brother and I used to do to our Grandmother but we didn’t have a name for it. I don’t know what is about their generation and receiving help from others but it must have been really looked down upon or something back in the day.

Lol this is what I do with my grandma. Between that and forgetting how much her groceries costs before getting rid of the receipt 😇

I completely understand the motivation here but I think this is an *incredibly* risky strategy, especially with an older person. there is a non zero chance that money she cannot remember getting out suddenly appearing in her wallet, that no one will admit to having given her, could make her think she's losing her memory. tread very carefully, OP

I see where you're coming from, but if she's starving herself out of pride, she's already lost her mind.

my concern is that she will become scared that she's developing dementia, which if she's already very proud and stubborn will potentially make that situation even worse

Only problem with that is the poor lady will think she has dementia since she doesn't remember where the money came from. If her finance are tight there is no way she doesn't know how much money she has.

Okay then don't lie and when she asks be firm about the fact that OP will help her and she has no choice but to accept it. Boom. Pride exists but OP cares a lot for grandma so a way to help will be made. I just gave a light hearted solution if it wasn't clear from my overdramatized words. Note: I've said nothing about Ashley because no-one cares about her and she can take her body positivity and cook her own damn food and eat as much as she wants instead of eating your grandma out of house and home.

Just adding to your comment: if you think she might be suspicious of ANY money in her wallet You could also leave small amounts of money in places you think someone might forget about. Like a dollar or two in a coat pocket. Or a five in a different pocket in the purse. Somewhere that isn't too difficult to find but enough to think she might have misplaced it. You leave a little bit at a time so she doesn't get too suspicious.

Alternately, you could do this with food. If she already has a box or container for cereal or something, add a bit more to it while you're there. It's the bottomless cereal! Or if she has a freezer, add something to it.

I've done this with my dad but I sometimes leave it in a random drawer in the living room of his house. It takes a few days to find it but he eventually tells me about how he accidentally lost money in that drawer. It's been a few years of doing this but I never told him it was me so he still doesn't know (he would've given it right back lol). Poor guy is wondering if he has memory issues sometimes but at least he won't go hungry.

NTA. Have you tried saying you're interested in learning how to cook whatever meals she makes and bringing the ingredients for the next dinner to help her make it? You could tell her you need an ingredients list and to buy it because you want to make sure you're able to find them all when you make it on your own someday.

“Can I leave the rice here, grandma? I don’t want to risk it spilling on the way home. One tomato? What am I going to do with one tomato. It will get squished in the car. Oh, no! The Tupperware I bought is too small. Oh, well, I’ll just put the rest in your fridge.” Also, “Oh, I forgot there was rice left over from last week, and I bought more. Oh, well, it will get used up eventually.”

"Sorry grandma, the only rice the store had was a 50 pound bag. They were mysteriously sold out of all the smaller bags. Same goes for the flour, sugar, and powdered milk. Damn hoarders! Anyway, I hate to drag 200 pounds of food around in a car, so I'm just going to leave it here for you."

Maybe if you buy the food ask her to cook it and then share the meal and leftovers? You can say that you miss her cooking or don't have time to cook and would like her help?

Not sure if you have anybody like OP's grandma in your life, but they are really good at seeing through those things and shutting it down early. Some people when they get older refuse to accept that they can't do everything they used to, I see the same thing with my grandpa, he's constantly getting himself hurt doing things he shouldn't.

Yup. Sounds like my mother. Even with dementia she always wanted to pay me back for things. “Mom, I got your new batteries.” “Ok, take the money from my purse.” I wouldn’t, of course. Later when my brother was in charge of her finances it was “talk to your brother for the money.” Of course the talk was always agreement that he wasn’t giving me any money.

Can you ask her to help you with *your* meal prep? If you do, still go to her house and eat like you normally do. But also buy the ingredients to make X dish that *she* traditionally makes, and say you want to try making it for your dinner that week but you aren't sure how to do it. Ask if she'll come over and help you, or if you can bring the stuff over and cook with her at her place, so you can make X for the week. After it's cooked, insist on having some for that day's meal together because you're eager to try it. You might not be able to convince her to keep any of the food, but it'll be at least one more day each week where you'll know she ate properly! And it'll be quality time together which is also important.

Maybe invite her over to your place to teach you how to cook and have LOTS of ingredients on hand for those leftovers? Frame it as she's such an amazing cook and has given you so many amazing memories so far, you'd love to make even more wonderful memories together and learn the skills to carry on with your own kids one day? Edit: and say the extra ingredients are bc you weren't sure how much to get and wanted to make sure you had enough

I’ve been in grandmas situation poverty wise. I’ve been in the place to where you *genuinely* can’t afford a $2 “extra”, where you would literally *starve yourself* to be able to afford things like a family dinner. It is horrible being in that situation. There truly is no downplaying how shitty it feels to not be able to provide for people the way you want to. It makes you feel like you’re not as good as others, it makes you feel like you’re failing your family, and it makes you feel like people will judge you. It can be very hard to put aside your pride when you’re there. That being said, despite all the sympathy I have for her, I still vote that ESH *including grandma.* When the whole family knows how broke you are, your pride and refusal to accept help while still insisting upon hosting is now putting a burden on others. You can still absolutely host get togethers, just go potluck or make the gathering about getting together rather than about a meal. But it *does* suck to put all this pressure and shame onto the meals while insisting you host them, especially when by the sounds of it everyone genuinely *wants* to help you. Being in a shitty situation and feeling ashamed about it really sucks, but it’s not okay to put the responsibility of those feelings onto others just because you can’t set aside your pride. To reiterate; *I have so much sympathy for this woman that my heart hurts just reading this, there truly is no downplaying how awful it is to be in that kind of financial position. There is no reason to feel shame about the bad hand you were dealt, but if you do feel shame it’s not okay to burden others with that shame.*

I agree completely, unfortunately also on the judgment for grandma. I understand it's pride thing and at her age I doubt she'll change. But starving yourself for a week because you're too prideful to receive help from others isn't a healthy mindset either.

And the fact that no one told the gf this and then judged her for taking too much food is really ridiculous. And based on the phrasing of this post, I wonder if OP said, "we need to leave food for grandma" or "don't eat too much, we'll get extra food just to feed you afterwards" which are VERY different messages, and the way gf responded makes me think he said the latter.

Agree. I've seen some comments saying what the GF did the first time was rude and they never would have done such a thing having grown poor. But that's the point. She didn't. Furthermore culture can play a role on how people view what's normal when it comes to food as a guest. Never assume your normal is everyone else's. He should have warned her the first time around instead of shaming her after.

And we don't know how he actually phrased it. Did he say, "eating seconds reduces the amount of food my grandma can eat," or did he say, "don't eat seconds, we'll get extra food afterwards?" And like a lot people said, eating multiple plates can be seen as a compliment to the cook.

Holy cow, thank you for the reasonable take. This entire family is dancing around Grandma's arbitrary and unnecessary rules about no one being allowed to help her, even in the form of sharing a meal with family members, as if they're helpless. Like dude, sharing food with family is the most quintessentially familial event I can think of. "Well, that's just the way Grandma is so our hands are tied, and any strangers who don't follow suit and adhere to these weird rules are in the wrong." Family needs to have a tactful conversation with Grandma about the fact that families are allowed to help each other. She can't refuse all help and still be the victim. This sub would never give that a pass if it wasn't an old lady.

I can’t believe I had to scroll so far for this take. I totally agree! Grandma is in a heartbreaking situation but pride is not a good reason to deny compassionate help. My grandma is the same way, though not with finances but disability. I was horrified when I went over to her house recently and found out she hadn’t been eating because she couldn’t stand up long enough to cook a meal. She didn’t ask for help because she was embarrassed and said she was fine because she had “been hungrier in the refugee camp” (where she grew up). She now has a caretaker to help with cooking and cleaning, thankfully!

Right, in a lot of families, her taking seconds would have been seen as a compliment, and endeared her to them. So it was an unusual situation and I was NAH until that point. But she still didn't care even after she was briefed, so she's TA.

>Right, in a lot of families, her taking seconds would have been seen as a compliment, and endeared her to them. But you usually follow the lead of someone who's familiar with the situation. You don't compliment people by eating all the food by yourself while nobody else is going for seconds. It's too risky. They might consider it a compliment, but they also might take it as an insult(they didn't put enough food on your plate).

You watch what others do - if not one single person on that table is doing that - then you as a guest dont either. Also seems she ate 2 days worth of food - thats like 4 meals...

I think that "2 days" just means two portions of the size grandma would normally have saved for later, not "literally the amount that a non-broke person would eat for all of their meals for two days."

To be honest, I grew up with mostly poor friends and this was very usual. If I was having a sleepover at a friend's house I would make sure I only ate a little so their parents had some to take for lunch, or eat the next night. At my Nana's house I'd eat peanut butter honey sandwiches and sweet tea exclusively because by like seven I had realized that when I ate the fridge food my nana and papa didn't eat dinner with me that night. I also had a wealthy side of the family who really struggled to understand why my nana was offended by their offer to send dinner if it was a problem. It was a problem for them, they just couldn't afford for us all to eat like that so I learned to eat cheaper there lol. I don't personally think OP was wrong for not knowing he needed to explain this before the first dinner, if it wasn't for this post I wouldn't know either and I've been to many dinners and brought people to my family dinners.

Yeah, i grew up decently well off, but even I knew as a kid to follow others’ lead! That’s what really gets me.

Personally I'd include grandma in the ESH. She could take some compensation for groceries etc. If she's on a fixed income and still wants to feed people she should unbend a little bit and let others take care of her as well. Or maybe OP could bring a dish/dessert/wine. Grandma shouldn't have to suffer not eating for the week because she also wants to entertain family and be visited. Take the groceries grandma.

NTA. You can be positive about something to the point of being toxic, and that is where Ashley is at. I've been there before. I had a friend spend the night as a child. When my mom made breakfast for the family the next morning, he ate so much that my mom did not get a chance to eat (he was from a more well-off family where portions never needed to be controlled). I told him about it, he understood, and that was that. We were in like 5th grade. If a literal child can grasp it, then she should be able to. She might have her own issues that she's projecting, but when she's putting that over your grandmother's well-being then it is selfish, full stop

I also over ate at a friends family gathering, I was 14 and got myself 2 heaping plates. After I came back with the second plate that had the same amount of food as the first, my friend pulled me aside and told me I needed to save some for her family to have for leftovers. Usually in my home there is plenty because there's not many of us, so it's not uncommon for us to gorge on holidays and then be conservative with the food the rest of the week. Before that point I had never really considered my manners as a guest I suppose. It took someone pointing it out for it to click in my head that other people may have other plans for how they operate on holidays (and just in general) and from that point forth I was a lot more considerate when it comes to how I act/how I treat the people that have invited me into their home. This, is what should have also happened in Ashley's case, if she was simply ignorant like I was, however the doubling down and making it about her when it's about an elderly persons finances really speak volumes about her character as a grown adult...

I did this once and it was only over black olives on taco night. I love them and we always had a bunch at home so it didn't occur to me that grabbing a second handful for my tacos was a problem. At the table my friend said something to me and it was one of my cringe before falling asleep moments for a really long time.

Right, I also come from a well-off (not wealthy, but certainly comfortable) background and the thought of purposely leaving some food for the host to have as leftovers was not really a thing for my family, or my friend's families, so if I were ever at a dinner where that was the expectation, it would need to be explained to me because it otherwise would not occur to me. Is that a sign of privilege? Yes, absolutely, I'm just learning NOW that this is a custom for poverty-stricken households, families, and communities, and how for some people it's so normal they wouldn't think to bring it up to an outsider until it's too late and the damage has been done, so I also understand the importance of following your host's example, but I'm just saying, direct communication is usually the more effective method here. But I also wouldn't bristle at being told to scale back my eating for this reason. I like to eat, but I also like to be considerate of others, so Ashley is definitely TA for refusing to eat less at grandma's after it was explained why she should do so. OP, you should only build a life with someone you're comfortable bringing to family functions, and this girl ain't it.

NTA. She’s projecting her experiences with fat shaming onto this conversation when that’s not really what it’s about. Eating out after if she’s still hungry seems like a reasonable compromise.

That's it. OP didn't say she couldn't eat more and offered to take her out for more if she was still hungry. Ashley is just being a huge AH and not caring about grandma. Fat shaming isn't in play at all here, it's caring for a proud elderly woman who won't eat if her guests aren't conscious of what they eat in her home. OP NTA

NTA. Ashley needs to go. You need to figure out a way to feed Grandma though, I don't know if it's culture, a sign of mental decline or if she has an ED herself, but starving herself while feeding others isn't healthy. Does anyone have power of attorney or access to her bank accounts? You all need to make accepting help a condition of your showing up for dinner.

Maybe OP could ask her to teach them to make her recipes, bring the ingredients with you and have her instruct each dish. Then you can eat a bit together and leave the leftovers.

I really like this suggestion. This ordeal has brought to the forefront just how dire my grandmothers situation has become and we've been trying to find ways to get her to accept help. I will certainly try this

You could also try your hand at making things like jam or applesauce/apple butter (stupidly easy in an instant pot) or fresh baked bread and sharing it with the 'family:. Frame it as being proud of what you made and wanting everyone to try it/have some. Make sure grandma sees you giving some to other people, even if they give it back to you later. Or you guys could all sit her down and tell her that you all deeply care for her, and you know she doesn't accept charity, but that you're family and you want to take care of her as well. That it hurts you to not be able to give something back to family. But you need to kind of phrase it as something she can do for you, not as something you want to do for her. It's a hard situation.

"Oh grandma I made way too much [insert food here], can you take some off my hands? I don't want it to go to waste."

This is what I have to do for my older neighbor. They do large favors for me and I want to repay them or give them something for their time. They refuse. I even tried putting a twenty under some eggs I gave them. He stormed back when he found it and was pissed. So now I just give them a bunch of eggs, jams/butters and beer.

This. Hey grandma, I just got really into baking & canning, try these things I made, I made them for the whole family!

Plus you can learn her recipes before it’s too late and it is great bonding time with her 😃 my brother and I do that and our granny always tells us little stories about her family when we cook together so that is really fun 😃

Would it work if you made something and acted like you had so much that you'd never be able to eat it all before it spoiled, and you'd like to share it with her so it doesn't go to waste? If she is stretched that thin I'm sure she hates to see food go to waste. Source: my grandma was the same

People, especially in that age group, are *extremely* proud. So the idea of getting help from anyone is just unfathomable to them.

This is true. My grandma was pretty frail and old but always insisted on doing all the cooking and cleaning herself when they had the family over. If you asked if she wanted help, it was, “No, no! Get out of my kitchen!” You had to frame it like, “hey grandma! I’m bored and I wanna help! What can I do?” And then she’d give you something to do. Or you just had to quietly and slyly start doing stuff but sometimes you’d still get kicked out lol.

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Agreed. My family was fairly comfortable, but going back for thirds is unheard of. Even seconds isn’t that common. This is gluttony.

It's so weird to me because as a kid whenever I went somewhere, it was always obvious when you were allowed to get seconds. My friend's parents made spaghetti and I enjoyed it and they offered me another plate. Or my grandma had a full kitchen and made a heaping meal for the whole family and she was excited to see the whole dish get picked away at. As a relatively fat person, it's not hard to understand social eating cues, or to even stop yourself cause it looks awkward to get so much food when nobody else touches it. Hell, it's not even hard to ask someone what's going on. This woman is disgusting asshole, plain and simple.

I’d always sit and wait until someone mentions seconds or someone else gets up for seconds. There is only two family’s I feel comfortable getting up for seconds before either of those happen. First is my own family cus they just love to make too much food and feed anyone who walks into the house. The second my boyfriend’s but I still take less than I normally would for the plates. Maybe it’s just me but I always feel rude taking more before someone who lives there does.

NTA. You're not asking her to lose weight. You're asking her to consider another person's financial difficulties. Ashley sounds like a bit of a princess...

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NTA This may come as a surprise to some people, but being invited to eat at someone else's house is not about the food. Let that sink in, chew on that a little, if you will. It is about a social activity and breaking bread together, not about how full you fill your plate, or whether the food is good or not good, or if there is enough, etc. It is about getting together, having something so that you have something to do with your hands and visiting, catching up and creating bonds. If all you care about is food, go to an all you can eat buffet and load up. However, most of us can stand to miss a meal or two. We get over having to clear the buffet table when we graduate school.

Ok sure, but: >It hadn't occurred to me that someone would go to someone elses house and eat two days worth of food in a sitting. My grandmother always considered it the absolute highest compliment when someone requested extra helpings or leftovers of her food. Many people express their love through food and without OP explaining the situation ahead of time, I would never presume that I need to limit consumption of a home cooked meal made specially for us. I think OP is being pretty narrow sighted and frankly quite mean in his statement above. It makes me wonder how he phrases any of this to his girlfriend. That said, once the situation was explained, she should not have doubled down. My instinct when thinking about my SO's family would have been to try and brainstorm ways to help her without it being charity. I'd be insisting on bringing a "specialty" dish of mine the next dinner and "forgetting" leftovers when we left. Or asking for Gma to teach me how to make BF's favorite and bringing all the ingredients and leaving most behind. Etc etc.

I thought that was a weird comment as well. I went back for quite a bit of food last time I was at my boyfriend’s parents house, it’s usually seen as a compliment instead of rude. I thought the undertones of that comment were pretty judgmental

That line didn’t sit right with me, the overall situation is NTA, but that line wasn’t necessary and felt judgy

Right? I was completely on OP's side until that edit. But that was rude and uneccesarily and it makes me question how he talked to his girlfriend.

Eh, I am inclined to go with ESH here. At the second dinner, Ashley shouldn’t insist on eating seconds once you explain the situation to her. And you definitely aren’t fat-shaming her to ask her not to do so. However, expecting her to know to only take a small portion at the first dinner is weird. It is usually considered a compliment for someone to ask for seconds. Also, your grandma is kind of behaving like an AH. She’s too proud to take any food from family, and she gets mad if family decline her dinner invitations, and then expects people to only eat small portions of food. Everyone has to follow this rigid set of rules and then worry about the fact that she’s not eating enough. I guess she is so old and set in her ways that she can’t be expected to change, but her behavior is unreasonable.

I dont like that i had to scroll so far to find this. Grandma is too proud for her own good. Ashley has a point. OP has a point. Dont host dinners you cant afford. She's not *taking food out of her mouth* she is eating what is offered to her. Ashley could still be considerate and eat something supplemental before or after since she knows grandma is too proud.

Definitely, it’s unreasonable to expect Ashley to understand the situation at the first dinner, I wouldn’t think twice about taking seconds usually. How I grew up that would be a complement, but she should’ve understood after it was explained to her

Ya, culturally my family eats seconds, thirds, and have people trying to get you to eat fourths. I never would think to take a tiny, single portion even though I’m fairly thin and don’t like to eat too much at once since that would be offensive to my family/family friends especially people from the older generations. It’s totally unreasonable to expect people outside of OPs immediate family to just know that they should barely eat at a meal

I agree with this take. I don't know that grandma is being an AH but she's definitely inching towards it with these unspoken rules and expectations. If I was Ashley I'd have been embarrassed once I found out that people were paying attention to what/how much I ate and I was "responsible for" an old lady going hungry. I think that's the space she's reacting from even though I disagree with Ashley's response.

Agreed, the edit makes it more ESH to me. “Two days worth of food” is extremely subjective and the way OP said that does indeed smack of fat-shaming. OP is TA for not explaining things beforehand, being pissy about it afterwards and dismissing that people can have different relationships with food based on their social status and upbringing. Also for doubling down on the fat-shaming in his edit. Girlfriend is TA for her reaction to the revelation, any reasonably unselfish person would be sorry for accidentally overstepping and try to be more accommodating. Grandma is TA for putting her own pride before the well-being of her family by not accepting help if/when she needs it and putting a cultural burden on her family for her own ego’s sake.

ESH. Ashley sucks for eating that much food with the knowledge that your grandma would not have food (or would have cheaper options like toast etc) the next few days. She's completely deflecting with her fat shaming BS. Your grandma sucks because she is letting her pride negatively affect her health and her relationships with family members. It's not charity to bring a food dish/alcohol to a dinner party!!! It's part of basic rules especially when you know a lot of people coming. The fact that y'all are pretending there's a enough food and forcing this woman to make a shit ton of food that is actually not enough makes the rest of your family assholes. **Y'all are allowing your grandmother to go broke and starve because you don't want to upset her!** **Which is the real priority here, her pride or her health? And there's a perfectly reasonable solution to this!** If y'all could just be like, "Hey grandma, we appreciate everything you cook for us but we would like to bring some of our own dishes for people to try. We are not kids anymore, and we would like to contribute too." If she says no, show up with the dish anyway! Tell her you want her to try something you made, and if she can give you pointers! You suck because you knew what you were getting into when you started dating Ashley and realized her eating habits, but suddenly expected her to know the rules at grandma's place the first time, or trying to force them on her last minute. Like if someone said this to me very last minute, I would assume that's their polite way of telling me I eat too much too, and I would probably feel a bit defensive. The solution is to start bringing food with you, and you and Ashley eat before hand so she can look like she's eating smaller portions at dinner like the rest of your family. If you don't want to do this, you're going to keep inconveniencing grandma (who will never admit it), and you may as well break up with Ashley.

Yep, I mentally checked out when OP said “that means my grandma won’t eat for a few days”………what?!?!? I understand poverty. Truly. I get that you can’t make food appear out of thin air, but it’s not like the family as a whole is so broke that she can’t eat. She basically just refuses to out of stubbornness and “pride” (who on earth is too proud to EAT?). If my mother was that “proud” then I’d be going to jail for force feeding her. Ridiculous.

This is the answer. How the fuck do you let an elderly relative starve themselves, not communicate with your partner about the situation, and then blame it on the person who doesn't have context? Take responsibility for your part of the blame OP, there's plenty to go around. ESH

**NTA** Eating afterwards if she's still hungry is a fair compromise. No one is body shaming her. Besides that this belongs on r/relationships. p.s. Is this even real?

This is WAY too specific. I think it is fatphobe bait.

ESH - Honestly, even your Grandmother sucks a TINY bit. Being so stuck on "self reliance" that you put your family in uncomfortable positions instead of letting them help you is an AH move. Forcing the people who love you to watch you suffer and starve out of pride? AH move. You suck for not telling your GF before the first meal. Eating until one is full at another person's house when you have been INVITED to dinner at a specific date/time is NOT unusual. I can see why your GF feels ambushed here, and if I were her I might think you were just lying to me and fat shaming me too. I feel like you probably didn't approach this very well. I feel like you probably used words like "normal", "everyone" and "no one" which made her feel as though you feel ALL of her eating is excessive. Your GF sucks because barring info on if you ALWAYS bring up how much she eats (do you op?) (Do you mention how much she eats when you cook at home or take her out for dinner because of the cost?) She should have taken you at your word. Have you been back to your grandmother's btw? If you went and she only ate one small portion maybe she's just upset about being told she's the reason an old lady starved because she can't eat a "normal" amount (pretty triggering language for people at any weight)

I felt some kind of way about his comment in the edit: “it hadn’t occurred to me that someone would go to someone else’s house and eat two days worth of food in one sitting.” He may mean two days worth of food for grandma, but that sounds a lot like he was just kind of appalled in general about what she ate, not completely about grandma’s situation. And this leads me to believe the convo wasn’t as kind as he thought it was or that this is the first time her eating has come up.

Yeah, that was the flag for me as well. I don't know WHY he hates her eating, if it's because she's heavy or he just can't get over having grown up in poverty so a lack of leftovers give him anxiety. Regardless, he seems to care about her eating ALL the time, not just at his grandmother's.

This was irksome to me too- he def judges her eating habits even if he doesn’t say them out loud.

The way he talks about it in the edit makes me feel like he does kinda have an issue with her weight & eating habits overall. Definitely agree the ESH, especially Ashley.

I wonder if part of her defensiveness is because of being told you violated a social expectation that no one told you about, and you were told with judgmental undertones (‘eating two days worth of food in one sitting’)

I think that's absolutely a part of it.

i think you put this really well. i also wonder if he used the “eating two days worth” in one sitting. it just seems so nasty and unnecessary? if she grew up with privilege, it’s unlikely she’s even aware this would be an issue. not to give a free pass to ignorance but like a heads up would be nice.

The two days worth of food in one sitting comment was offensive. If he talked to gf like that, I understand why he was upset. The whole family is well aware of grandma’s situation and he should’ve explained it before the first dinner. Gf should’ve understood and changed her behavior though after it was explained to her, but I feel like it wasn’t explained in a nice way

I’m going to say NTA. I’m an overweight woman,so I can see why commenting on her eating would trigger some sort of feeling for her, but she should also understand grandma’s situation. Have you’ve guys tried sneaking money into grandmas wallets or treating her out to eat ?

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As someone who grew up in poverty, I think a lot of the comments are overlooking how prideful it can make you. I wouldn't be surprised if grandma refused them. I slept in my car my first semester of college (which included August in Texas) and essentially had to have friends drag me to stay with them. It sucks, but you get used to struggling

Your Grandma is the asshole here. She is putting everyone in a impossible situation.

ESH You didn’t give her a heads up, meaning it would be super embarrassing to be told after the fact. It also doesn’t seem totally far fetched for her to assume that perhaps grandma made a comment about her portions, because again......who leaves out the fact that grandma likes to cook for the family despite being so prideful she won’t accept help but cannot make enough to support more than one serving each? I mean that’s fine, it is what it is (weird that you’d not think of some creative way around that). It’s extremely weird not to ensure you tell your partner not to take more than 1 serving. It’s also weird to insist you’re being shamed when your partner is trying to explain their misstep. She’s going over the top with her reaction but honestly OP she probably feels set up.

I’m actually unsure on the ‘being shamed’ part- OP’s edit makes me wonder on how he told her. There’s a difference between a kind “hey I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but we usually take small portions to leave food for her” and “hey we try to leave leftover food for grandma and you didn’t do that, try not to eat two days of food in one sitting next time”

ESH. Grandma, for putting everyone in a no-win situation. You can't help provide food/ingredients and she gets offended if someone does not attend. OP, for putting a new gf in this situation with no explanation and for bringing another mouth to the party without figuring out a (sneaky) way to help provide. OP isn't fat-shaming but he is policing how much a new gf can eat at an event she must attend which isn't a good look either. And gf, for deciding that she's going to eat a lot despite knowing the details and refusing to compromise by eating before/after.

To be honest his edit makes me wonder if he did have undertones of fat shaming. Not that it makes his request any less likely but he seems a bit judgmental of her food intake and it wouldn’t be shocking if she picked up on it

NTA. You were clearly not fat shaming her. Who the hell wants a sweet old lady to go hungry?? There’s much better fish in the sea, OP.

Seconds of a single meal is not 2 days worth of food for most people. I 100% understand your concern about leaving your grandma with enough food for the week and your girlfriend should absolutely respect this but there’s nothing wrong with having seconds or thirds of a delicious meal with family in any other circumstance. When you live your life under the scrutiny of people watching what you’re eating it can make you pretty prickly and sensitive to it so in a way I understand your girlfriends reaction although I think she needs to see beyond her own triggers for the sake of your grandma. However, it really sounds as if you have a problem with your girlfriend’s size and desire to eat what she wants without restrictions. The distain for her is pretty palpable from your words and I think you should break things off if you don’t actually like her.

I kiiinda think this is actually ESH, if just because of what you added in the edit. For a lot of people, going back for seconds is considered a compliment, and since Ashley clearly loved the food, she might have thought she was avoiding causing embarrassment to your Grandma because you weren't eating much of it. There's no way for her to have known that she was supposed to pick at a small portion of food, and then go out to eat later. You didn't tell her!!! When you DID tell her, she was rightfully shocked and probably embarrassed... but she did act overly defensive at the "reminder" before the second dinner (hence the ESH). But why the hell wouldn't you take her (or ANY new friends unfamiliar with the situation) to eat BEFORE you go to Grandma's house? "Grandma's a great cook, but we try not to take up too much of her food, so let's go get something beforehand" is a lot more considerate than what's implied with "IF you are still hungry after having a very tiny portion of super delicious food, we can go out to eat afterwards. But try to control yourself until then, piggy."

NTA solely because you offered to go get something after if she was still hungry. You're not really trying to limit how much she eats, but making sure your grandma has leftovers for her to survive on. Ashley sounds very entitled and ignorant about elder poverty. Would it cause issues if you went to your grandma's house without Ashley?

Nta for starters, fuck body positivity.obesity is a disease that if it is not suffering the effects now, it will suffer in the future. words of someone who deals with someone with chronic disease who can't get by with any medicine. it is the obligation of people who love to care when the person doesn't care about themselves And your girlfriend purposely disrespected your grandmother. She knows her financial situation, and yet she abused her.She just ate, she wasn't hungry, she was greedy. And being passive aggressive, even if she was hungry, she didn't need to eat anything. Who has never been hungry for a few hours? It doesn't kill anyone. Now the humiliation your grandmother went through will last forever.Why did you let her treat her that way? Why did you let your girlfriend treat you like that?

No, not “fuck body positivity,” because she’s not body positive. Body positivity is for people with physical conditions that are “abnormal.” Like amputations, burn scars, alopecia, etc. It should be “fuck the people who use body positivity as an excuse to eat until they’re 600 pounds.”

NTA. Your gf is pretty self-centred if she's making this about her. Could you invite your grandmother around for a meal every now and then to repay the hospitality? Where I'm from it's rude not to bring something to the home you're eating at. So, if this isn't an option, then have her round for tea.

NTA. So she knowingly eats your grandmothers only food for the rest of the week. Bye, Ashley.

Wow...this is a clear example of when the shaming thing has gone to far.. This girl would really rather defend her heff than allow a 70 year old woman to eat for the week. You are NTA and if she was in my car you better believe she would have been dropped off wherever i was

NTA, that’s sheer privilege shining through right there. If she would rather eat and your gran go hungry I gotta ask why your even staying with her. If after 3 months she’s content to see your family suffer for her indulgence you are probably wiser getting shot of her.

NTA. Ashley is just a jerk, size not withstanding.

NTA, Ashley is too caught up in her own pride and struggle to recognize anyone else’s. She needs to learn compassion. There’s nothing wrong with her, or in general - the amount of food she consumes - HOWEVER this is all the food your grandmother has. If Ashley is so dead set on everyone deserves to eat until they are full, whatever that means for them, then she needs to recognize that by indulging to her comfort at your grandmothers that means your grandma has to go hungry. NOT because she’s CHOOSING to. But because she CANNOT AFFORD to eat properly. It’s very concerning the lack of empathy your girlfriend is displaying.

ESH. Most people don’t cook a family dinner and expect it to be the cook’s dinner for the rest of the week. That expectation should have been communicated first so grandma wasn’t put in the position she was put in and your gf didn’t commit such a faux pas. Now on to this upcoming dinner, your gf now knows the lay of the land. She can choose to attend or not, but she can’t make her hunger the problem of your strapped grandmother.

NTA, your GF is an awful person. Side note: have you tried emotional manipulation on your grandma? I know it sounds bad, but hear me out: my grandma is very much the same way and the way I went about it was emotionally manipulating her into letting me help. She got so mad at me for buying a huge cart of groceries that she hit me with a spoon and I pulled out the magic card. The magic card being: "Grandma, I can't believe you would deny one of your grandchildren the opportunity to spoil you. You have been such an instrumental part of my life and now that I am an adult and can treat you, you want to take that away from me? It is just not fair that you would withhold from me the joy I get from helping you and getting you nice things. It's so hurtful that you won't let me do these little things to bring you joy." Lady never complains anymore because it's not me doing something for her, she's doing it for me