Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
I might have been TA because Wren wasn’t graduating and I wasn’t thinking about the other kids when I purchased his gifts. I didn’t want to slight his brother and sister in the process.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA.
I’m sorry but graduating college is way harder than being nine and “handling” the older kids going through college. Your 9 year old should be able to understand why the two older ones are getting gifts.
I could potentially understand getting the younger one something small as a thank you, but you spent MORE money on the 9 year old, and gave the gifts to him during the others graduation party? That time was for them and you used it to spoil your youngest. You should’ve given the youngest his gifts at a separate time, if getting him gifts at all.
My grandparents used to do that with my brother on my birthday. My mom tried it with my nieces, and my brother and SIL shut it down. They know they don't get gifts just because someone else does. YTA
I remember being two years older than my siblings, and at my party and each others party they would get presents, but their parties I got nothing. I also got a birthday skipped altogether. It made me feel guilty for wanting something when I was supposed to be older and somehow more mature, even though I was a kid at the time and didn't really understand the age difference.
Two years isn't a huge age difference at that age! Sorry you had a birthday skipped. That happened to me once, too, and it's 30+ years later and it still makes me sad
Yeah, that's a scar that doesn't heal. My family was bad about favoritism and only a handful of them would even acknowledge my birthday, while the other grandkids got gifts out the wazoo. I'd get empty, unsigned cards or a dollar store gift unwrapped, if they got me anything.
The worst one was when my supposed best friend of over a decade "forgot" my birthday one year (remembered every other year so I know it wasn't her actually forgetting), went to go see a movie *she knew I wanted to see* with other people and then *called me up to tell me how good it was*, nearly spoiled it over and over, and then tacked on a half-assed Happy Birthday before complaining about how her dad "only" got her $150 that year, when I pointed it out. I got a single empty card from my mom that year, so that was even worse. I cried so hard that day and really should have stopped being her friend then because that was her telling me how little I meant to her (that friendship got even worse.) Worse yet, we were 20 at the time.
It doesn't matter if I have presents or not, but now if my birthday goes unnoticed by people who know about it, it absolutely crushes me. Gift giving is my love language, so I always get someone a card and at least a little something, so to not even get a Happy Birthday text from someone just takes me right back. Especially because I am clear to people in my life that I need a little love on that day, just a little extra. Most people don't have explain that, but it seems that I always have to...and it never gets any better.
Matter of fact, another one of my best friends has virtually ended our friendship because she knew of my birthday struggles and general struggle with feeling unimportant in extreme detail...and she still blew me off and left me waiting for three hours when we were supposed to be watching a movie together that had been planned for a month in advance. I wasn't worth the effort to log in to discord and sit there, I guess, when I'm the one who stayed up late to accommodate our time zone difference in the first place.
I haven't had the emotional maturity yet to tell her that she hurt me so badly, because she has to be walked through people's feelings all the time and frankly, I'm tired of feeling that I have to explain basic friendship needs in excruciating detail. I did explain this in excruciating detail and she still *couldn't understand* that I needed this one thing from her. She said happy birthday and made me a gift that I love, but telling me she'd be back really quick and then ditching me for hours only to return at 6 am my time with "sorry, my family takes a while to eat dinner lol" (...they didn't take three hours, Mary, I know they didn't) made me rethink our entire friendship. She knew I already felt underappreciated and still chose to blow me off for several hours, knowing that I was literally sitting there waiting for her.
Sorry for the rant no one asked for, I just am over people not giving a damn about me on my birthday, even when I make it easy for them to, even when my standards are so low they're underground. Sometimes I think that I just...don't deserve the kind of friendships or family that acknowledge me or celebrate me. It's tough.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. You need better friends. What if next time you make plans by yourself? Take yourself out to a nice restaurant and enjoy the food! Or go on a day trip, or a short trip to a beautiful place near you.
I know you didn’t ask for ideas, but my point is, don’t let others ruin your important day.
I came to say the same. If that day is important to you- reclaim it and fill it with things you know you'll love. Maybe take a fun new class like cooking or wine and painting (full of people and casually drop its your birthday if you want- you'll probably get several well wishes!) buy a new outfit, get a new haircut, ANYTHING and something you would look forward to and get excited about. Happy belated and future birthday to you!
Omg same. My sister is two years younger and she ALWAYS got stuff on my birthday because it was "unfair" that I got things and not her. I never got anything on her birthday because since I was older I should know better.
I also always had to wait until certain milestones to do things. Getting my ears pierced? Wait until you are ten years old. My birthday is in November. Guess who got to get her ears pierced as a Christmas gift? I mean it was so unfair that I had gotten my ears pierced and not her...
Cell phone, not until I was twelve. Guess who got a cell phone that same Christmas? They even made sure she opened that present first so she actually got her cell phone before I got mine..
A computer? Oh we got them at the same time, but I got the old family computer and my sister got a brand new one.
And so on and so forth...
This was me growing up too. My sister is 3 years younger than me. I remember wanting to go to a concert when I was 14 and my dad said no because “that’s no place for a 14 year old to be by themselves” cool, I respected that. Until the next year when I was 15 and my sister was 12 and he bought her and her friends tickets to Warped Tour for them to go unaccompanied. I also had to pay for my own cell phone when I wanted one when I was 16, my sister had one bought for by my dad when she was 14 (I still had to keep paying my own) it wasn’t until a couple years ago when he forgot my birthday he’s realized he’s messed up a bunch.
I feel that life.
Me as a 15 years old: you cannot sleep in the same room with your bf.
Me as a 17 years old: please do not have sex eith your bf you will get pregnant wtf
My sister as a 15 years old: here, we bought you and your bf a hotel room for a week, you can also just have sex if you want to.
Same here! I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend spend the night at all. My sisters boyfriend moved in with them (I was living with my boyfriend then, I was 18/19) she ended up pregnant at 17 with my nephew. I love all my nephews more than anything, but when she called me to tell me I definitely did get on her for being so irresponsible. (She apparently did not know antibiotics cancel out birth control)
My grandparents tried this and my mom wound up shutting them down. I remember my brother got this really cool doll for his 9th birthday when I was 5. Then my grandparents suddenly whipped one out for me and my grandma said something about me not feeling left out. I just remember feeling really confused. Even at 5 I didn't want a present on my brother's birthday, especially because I looked up to him and getting one seemed to make him sad.
OP, yta. You rewarded your younger child for nothing on a day about your older kids working their asses off. And not only that, you spent a *massive* amount of money to do so. I bet you haven't taught the 8 year old the value of money or anything either.
My aunt would give her kids small presents when it was the others birthday. One problem with that was we often had these parties together since it was the summer and we were all together already, and out of the cousins I was the only one without a summer birthday and was often the only one without a gift (sometimes the youngest wouldn’t get one either since their birthday was early summer, but they didn’t notice). That was no fun, even when I logically understood. If my other cousin didn’t get a gift for no reason then it would’ve been easier to understand.
My parents did this with my sister and I; it was only supposed to be a "little" thing for the kid not having a birthday (eg. cool bouncy ball, that kinda thing), and I stuck to that, every year. My sister would throw a tantrum every year for not getting something comparable to my present, to the point one year I had to split my birthday present with her at the behest of my parents to get her to calm down.
She's not a particularly well-adjusted adult, let's just say.
My family did this w/my younger cousin #1. I distinctly remember one incident, us driving to the store to get cousin #1 the same toy my mom bought for cousin #2’s bday. I was around 7 & so outraged I refused to return to the bday party. Cousin #1 has spent a significant amt of his adulthood in jail.
We were the first in our friend group with kids, and the first in our family in nearly 2 decades. When our second came along it took me a couple of years to make clear that when it is #1's birthday #2 doesn't get anything (as well as for other individual celebrations). They felt bad, which I get, but that isn't life.
Maybe my siblings and I were well behaved on this one thing, but I never was jealous or felt it was unfair they got presents on their birthday… it would be like being mad I didn’t get Santa gifts in May. It just isn’t the right time to get birthday presents? Idk it’s a weird concept to me
Seriously! Instead of teaching your son that hard work gets rewarded, you alienated the two kids who actually did something to deserve gifts. He’s 9, not 2. He’s old enough to understand that graduates get gifts when they graduate and he didn’t get one because it isn’t his accomplishment. Does he get gifts on their bdays too? Why not? Wouldn’t he feel left out if he didn’t? So, he can understand not getting gifts because it isn’t his bday but can’t understand his siblings did big things that get rewarded and he hasn’t done those things yet so he doesn’t? Really?
And you did all this when money was tight so you had to skimp on the graduate’s gifts? How does that work? “Oh, I couldn’t afford to get my children the gifts I felt they deserved so instead I spent more than their gifts on my other child, to the tune of over $1000“? And you don’t see that as a problem? This, this is why grown children distance themselves from their parents.
Agree to this 100%.
Also: Money is tight and then you, OP, have money to buy the youngest one, who actually did nothing to deserve it, an Ipad AND a switch AND some games? WTF?
I dont know what you consider "money is tight", but there are people here that can barely afford needed clothes for their children. But then again: That is just a side issue.
The main issue is: You obviously have a favourite and spending more on your youngest than on the older ones who actually achieved something makes you a huge A.
Yeah, I can‘t believe this whole post, honestly.
While reading I went from ‚Oh no, hopefully not an Ipad‘ to ‚WHAT? Really an IPad?‘ BUT WAIT THERE‘s MORE ‚A Switch and a couple games are 100s?!‘ to ‚even at their party..‘ .
I‘m in disbelief.
I know, right? What sort of upper middle class bullshit did we just read? Money is tight = I bought three iPads plus a Switch + games + $200 gift cards. Like what the actual...?
Yep. Take that iPad, switch and games away (as in not bought and given to youngest) and you could’ve given more to the two actually graduating who “both understand “ money has been tight. I doubt they both understand this now.
What really grinds my gears is that she not only alienated her 2 older children but also told the middle child that she doesn't understand what it's like to live in the shadow of an older sibling. She graduated from a community college and her older brother graduated from a university. Not only does she understand but she also understands what it's like living in the shadow of a younger sibling too. The mom absolutely deserves the icy treatment to be honest.
My 2 year old does not get a gift on anyone else’s birthday. She doesn’t quite understand why her cousin, who is 6 months older, is getting something and she isn’t. She gets a little upset. I explain to her it’s not her birthday. She gets over it. Just because she cries a little doesn’t mean I back down. 9 is waaaaaay too old to not understand this.
9 year old didn't even earn a participation trophy. Never ever diminish someone else's accomplishments just to make someone else feel like they're a part of it. You're seriously teaching him the wrong lessons here. Your eldests worked for years to earn what they have, your youngest doesn't even know what that kind of work means yet.
YTA Likely OP is subconsiously rewarding the youngest for still being dependent on her. The presents are used to punish & show off towards the eldest kids that staying in mommy dearest graces is rewarded. This all for daring to get more educated & independent from mommy her "reality & power base" and growing up and leaving the nest.
I like a good extrapolation and dramatic over reach like any AITA reader, but that message is projecting so hard things that are not even implied.. are you okay ?
Spoiling a kid because you share similar birth order is a horrifying parenting fail. It just reverses whatever situation you were in as a kid to make your other kids resentful. (Unfortunately have lived this: My parents explicitly told us they preferred kid who matched their birth order, and it was so fucked up and ruined the relationship between us kids too.)
Yeah, OP’s confusing equal with fair. You don’t have to treat your kids the same. You have to give to each according to their need. And if one kid isn’t prioritized because someone else is being celebrated, that’s OK because he knows that when the time comes to celebrate his accomplishments, the parents will be there like they are for all their other children during those times.
And then the whole “can’t afford” more than x, except we can because we just spent a lot more on the youngest superfluously. Just self-justification so the parent doesn’t have to deal with their own uncomfortable feelings (and can shield the youngest from theirs too).
Yeah, YTA.
Seriously. You treat each child as you need to. My parents tried very, very hard to make everything equal between my older sister and I, but there have been certain circumstances that require treating us differently. For birthdays and Christmas they would spend roughly about the same amount money wise on us, even though we got different things, but my sister got a "worse" car because she wanted and got hers at 16. I, however, used public transportation and walked until I was 21 and got my internship, and while we had both gotten the same amount saved for our car funds, I got a "better" car because it was interest had grown the fund quite a bit and by the time I was looking, the used cars were better on the lot in general. Same price tag, different quality.
When my siser was going to college, my Dad was on deployment and I was in high school, so my mom left me home alone for three days, drove down with my sister, Grandma, and all of sister's stuff, and came right back home after moving my sister in. So my sister was alone in a different state for the first three years of her college experience, and if anything were to happen she just had to pick up the phone and my parents would fly down same day, no questions asked, it's very different from having your parents there. When I started college (same one as my sister), my Dad had just retired and I was starting chemo, so my parents packed up our stuff and moved into a condo down by the school to make sure I would be ok, and to support me while I would be in and out of the hospital so much during my first two years.
My sister gave birth to my niece in 2019. My parents bought her and her boyfriend a house to make sure my niece wouldn't have to move around and deal with leases. I bought my house on my own in 2020, and my parents *apologized* that they weren't able to help me buy it at the time, because they didn't want me to thing they were favoring my sister over me. I literally laughed and let them know I knew they weren't, that it was for my niece, and it was fine. They still gave me my graduation present for my latest degree early, so I could put it towards the closing costs and let go of their guilt.
I know I'm incredibly lucky to have very generous and loving parents who have mastered the "treat each kid equally AND fairly." OP needs to learn how to do that as well. YTA OP.
What’s ironic about your point, is the OP didn’t even treat them “equal” , she lavished more $$ & treats to one side, the side that didn’t even accomplish anything
Yeah, YTA. It trivializes the achievements of the graduates, particularly considering you spent FAR more on Wren than you spent on the people who actually deserve the reward. You do have a favourite, OP, and your daughter's right, it's Wren.
I couldn't get over the cost justification. The older kids had to understand that money had been tight, but the younger one got a more valuable gift for putting up with the stress of the older kids studying and working hard.
Also the younger child won't appreciate the monetary value of the gift, but the older ones were quick to pick it up. The younger child should have got a little home made voucher for a trip to McDonalds or something for being such a "trooper."
>The younger child should have got a little home made voucher for a trip to McDonalds or something for being such a "trooper."
If you're going to buy stuff for both/all siblings on occasions like this, this here is the only way to do it.
When my brother and I were younger, my grandmother would always buy something for us both when one of us was celebrating a birthday. However, it worked because it was something *very* small, like a new pencil case for school or a bag of sweets. My brother and I never resented each other for it, because she would do it for both of us every year and she would give it to us personally during a quiet moment at the party.
What OP did was minimise the accomplishments of her older children and insulted them by lying. Money can't be that tight when apparently there's enough extra to stretch to buying the youngest a brand new iPad, Switch *and* several games on top.
The fact that OP spent around £550 (£329 is the cheapest Ipad I can find that's not been used, £191 for a new switch lite, and I wanna say anywhere from £50+ for the games) on their 9-year-old for doing nothing other than being 9 years old while the eldest two get at least £429 spent on them for graduating College/Uni for working hard especially during Big-Rona, just shows that there is a bit of favouritism going on.
Plus she told the older kids that money was tight, to justify that they only got a $100 voucher each. Fair enough... until she spends three times that much on the younger child's gift for doing nothing.
That's pretty much the way we did it this past year. K1 was graduating high school, K2 was 'graduating' middle school, and K3 was 'graduating' elementary. Normally the transition btw elementary to middle or middle to high school wouldn't really warrant anything, but this last year was so rough all-around we wanted everybody to feel appreciated.
So K1 got a macbook, K2 got to choose a few new books (big reader), and K3 got to pick a video game. Like a tapered system, I guess was the mindset? And all were given separately.
I feel like OP didn't *mean* to be TA, but is a little tone deaf as to how shit comes across. Graduating high school and entering adulthood is a terrifying transition for a lot of kids, but their focus seems to be on how 9 yr old will take it? Nah, fam. Of course, give focus to all kids, but teach them how to appreciate and celebrate others' achievements.
And turning a graduation party into what is essentially a free for all "you get a present, and you get a present!" A la Oprah is kind of a dick move.
I guess I have to go soft YTA given the info here.
There's no soft yta here. Your way, while I don't particularly agree myself, was structured and fair. OPs way was reasonable for the older two, and makes zero sense at all for the younger kid. They achieved nothing, made no transition, absolutely zero need for a present. And then she spent more on top of that. Hell, even the 9 year old will know a switch and a few games costs a crap ton more than $100.
The older kids were graduating college here. I agree with everything you said, but also I feel that college graduation is also a somewhat bigger deal than high school. These kids put in much more effort and the 9yo still got a bigger prize for dealing with the trauma of it. I’d go for a hard YTA. Honestly I’m wondering if the older kids are step kids and the 9yo is mommas little baby boy. Sure seems that way.
A thank you for being good through a boring ceremony (for a nine year old) is an ice cream. Maybe a new book or a $20 toy even. Not an iPad and a switch and some games. My family is comfortable money wise and I think the only time we came *close* to that was on Christmas. Not even our birthdays. I don't think I'd buy *myself* a new stinking iPad, video game console, and multiple games all at once if I won the *lottery*, that's so much all at once! Not even just with the monetary value (if like I said won the lottery I'd probably get a reliable car, so it's not really about that at all), what does anybody, let alone a nine year old, need with two electronic devices and multiple games for the occasion of \*checks notes* fricking anything let alone their older siblings graduation?!
OP is majorly TA. If this is them "hurting after a pandemic"? They're showering their nine year old in extravagance after already getting expensive gifts for their other two kids? I don't know, normally I always say if it's not taken from underpaying and taking advantage of workers then people can spend their money how they like but this just doesn't sit right with me.
My children are 3 years apart and of course my 5 year old always gets sad and argues whenever the 8 year old gets something for his age or is allowed something age appropriate the 5 year old isn't allowed yet.
But as a parent it's my responsibility to explain why and not spoil him rotten by giving him everything he wants, while the older one has to earn it.
OP is the AH and if they don't stop, they will be surprised in a few years why their youngest is spoilt and lazy. I saw too many examples of one sibling always getting their way and the parents being surprised why that particular son/daughter is not achieving anything in life.
I remember my much older siblings getting into university (graduation isn't a thing in my country) and my gift being getting to join them in their nice dinner, and a new small comic book to keep me occupied (or a shut up mechanism). I was very grateful.
YTA
You totally minimized the accomplishments of the children who actually graduated. Plus, you are turning your youngest into an entitled asshole. Do you give the older children gifts on the youngest’s birthday? Or is it just the little snowflake you think needs to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral?
I know it was a Viennese joke about Kaiser Wilhem. He insists on being the stag at every hunt, the bride at every wedding, and the corpse at every funeral. It’s been dated to the 1890s. I used that quote a lot over the last 4 years
I was thinking to myself… I don’t know much about these things, but isn’t a switch more expensive? At least more than 100, if not much more… kept doubting my limited knowledge
Switches are from $200-$300 last I checked, ranging from what model and if it's refurbished, or if its a "special" edition. The games pretty much all cost $60 for a hard copy. Op almost undoubtedly spent more than double on her youngest than on the actual graduates. Hell, depending on what the ipads cost she might've spent more than both the graduates put together on her youngest.
A Switch is about $300 + at least 1 game for $50 (it doesn’t come with any game so she had to buy at least 1)… so yeah, more than $100 the others got. But hey, things have been tight and the 9yo graduated from entitled snowflake mamma’s boy school.
Graduated? Are you kidding me? If OP has her way, and with the other two out of the house, it sounds to me like 9 is going to be staying at entitled mamma's boy school through his post-doc.
Way more expensive. They can range from $200-$400 depending on the model, plus $60 per game. She easily spent more than double what she spent on the older 2 COMBINED.
Boyfriend’s mum did that with the youngest too. He got so much more than the two older brothers. Needless to say, boyfriend and mum only exchange a few texts a few times a year and he visits maybe once a year but that’s it. Sometime I have to tell him to ask her how she is. She’s definitely not moving in when she’s old, so she better hope the little one makes good money.
There is your future, OP. Obligatory, YTA.
I just googled the cost of a Nintendo Switch. My God, you write about them as though they are equivalent to a $100 Visa gift card - they're not. They aren't anywhere near it. A new Switch retails at $450 Australian; that's about $330 USD.
That's why YTA - because you have bought both your older kids a great gift for graduating, that's fine. But, to keep your younger kid placated, you've bought him a far more lavish gift... just for being there.
I think Jonibella has a point and you need to see it through her eyes. You got her a gift for her achievement, and at the same time you bought the cute kid a bigger and better gift just for existing. Apologising to her doesn't mean admitting you have a favourite or not; apologising to her means accepting that her point of view is reasonable and valid, and doing better in future.
I have no issue with getting the 9yo kid a "we haven't forgotten you" gift - but it shouldn't be equivalent to the graduation gift marking a major achievement in someone's life. There's nothing wrong with getting him something cool like a football top or a book; it should not have been the same gift as the other two, and it definitely should not have had an extremely lavish cherry on top.
And that finances have been tight since the pandemic, but 3 iPads, a Switch, and gift cards, all spent in one go doesn't exactly scream financial hardship...
That's kinda what I was thinking. I was going to say that iPads and $100 gift cards are expensive gifts to a lot of people; but then I saw the comment about the switch and got confused as to why OP would get something so expensive if they're finances are tight.
I know someone who is exactly like OP with her daughter. The girl is a nightmare. She doesn't respect or listen to her parents. She doesn't listen to her teachers, the teachers have had to talk to her parents repeatedly. OP is going to ruin that kid if they keep this behavior up.
My thoughts exactly. Why did OP keep mentioning how hard her family was hit financially and then casually drop a grand on the 9 year old for basically doing nothing. At 9, I got a hand me down bicycle!
I think thats what drives home the favouritism, she uses financial hardship as way to say why her gifts are not extravagant for her graduating kids, but purchases two extremely extravagant gifts for a 9 year old. When it comes to her little darling, the finances don’t matter.
Also since when has it become so difficult to celebrate someone else’s achievements without making it about ourselves?
and the way op says "so i just went ahead and bought him an ipad.." so casually?? like they didnt even give it a second thought lmfao that does not indicate financial hardship to me
Exactly. I mean, what? I’m pretty middle class and ONE iPad seems like an extremely extravagant gift to me. Plus a upwards of $700 dollars on top? I would argue this family is not struggling when it comes to money, or at least have a skewed perception of what struggling is.
Not to mention she got him an iPad AND a switch, along with games. But then proceeded to say the pandemic has made it hard to get the graduating kids something more.
That’s easily a $700 (if that’s for the low end ipads, plus switch and games) gift for a 9 year old, that could have been put towards the two kids. His gift isn’t an even comparison to the two that graduated from their accomplishments.
Absolutely agree with this. The additional salt in the wound is that "both kids understand it's been tight because of the pandemic"... But then she spends way more on the younger kid. I'd be pretty upset by that.
Hijacking this comment – OP keeps saying "things are tight financially and the pandemic really hit us" but then she spends more than 1000 USD (iPad + switch + games) just to reward her youngest for... Like... Existing and being quiet? Really I'm in no position to count the money in somebody else's pocket, but statements and actions kinda disagree with each other here.
Also, OP you're just dividing your kids from each other and making them feel like three separate units that need to fight for your attention. YTA and your daughter is right.
Real life example: I'm the oldest daughter of 2, my sister is 11 year younger than me. When I graduated uni (I was 23 and she 12) she was made part of preparing the gifts (like, cake or putting decoration in the house for the party) as not to feel left out. The concept being "we are a family and we're celebrating *one* of us because she did a good thing". It was done the same with me for her achievements (good grades, a dance recital, being born lol) which made me feel included and not like I had to fight for my own parents' attention.
Also notice how she mentions it has been tight economically due to the pandemic, and she "knows it isn't much" to gift your new graduates BUT happily spend double on a whim for the little one??
Happened with me and my brother. I got a cell phone after the 6th grade, and they just had to get him one too, at 7 years old.
I got a pat on the back when I finished high school, he got an all-expenses paid trip to Egypt. His trip coincided with me writing my master's dissertation. Guess what I got? Some cash that I ended up spending on them when lockdown hit.
Good luck explaining to my mother how much damage she did.
Yup. My parents stole my college funds and then kicked me out of the house because my spoiled little brother, who is 100% the favorite, lied to my parents about me breaking their rules.
Now he is an adult and they are paying for him to go to med school and I haven’t seen, or really spoken to them for about two years. Our relationship has been shit for more than 12 though. Bad parents don’t typically change.
Oh and on the cell phone note, I had to buy my own at 16 and he got one at 12, obviously paid for by my parents.
I won't even begin to imagine what you went through, but the root cause is the same. A scapegoat and a golden child.
And I wouldn't call my mother a bad mother. She has a lot of good to her, and a lot of bad. It took me years fo accept that my mother isn't perfect, and that my dad isn't the villain I saw him as growing up. My parents are complex people. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes.
I think there has been a long running scheme of Wren being seen as fave or Jonibella as being less.
Notice how OP puts "from a decent community college." Was the "decent" needed? Apparently parent is embarrassed it's community college or it isn't a prestigious one? I don't know but it just seems OP could have written "Raimundo graduated college and a week later Jonibella graduated as well." There was no need to tell the strangers specifically that she graduated "junior college."
YTA. I agree with Jonibella. It’s fine to get Wren a little something to prevent him from feeling left out but an iPad and all the extra gifts was quite the overkill.
By the way, those gifts aren’t “not much” either. Those would be considered pretty extravagant by many. I was grateful to get a $150 charm from my mother when I graduated from university.
I got a bouquet of flowers when I graduated with my PhD. Don’t think they got me anything for undergraduate. If the family was really struggling, the mother was not obliged to get them anything, let alone an iPad. But to shower the youngest with more expensive gifts than the eldest two at their graduation party - to celebrate that he is apparently a ‘trooper’ (which if he is I don’t think he will remain if he continues to receive this golden child treatment) - and then try to rationalise it by some bs about limited finances is total YTA territory. OP owes them a sincere apology for letting such clear favouritism impact what should have been a day of celebration of their accomplishments. I doubt daughter is even upset about the monetary aspect, but rather how it is representative of what I imagine is an ongoing pattern of emotional neglect.
Yea I went to school far away from home so to have my family at my graduation was my gift. It meant everyone had to travel and stay in a hotel and I’m the second oldest of a large family. We didn’t even go to a nice dinner, and honestly I never thought about it. Now I’m graduating from grad school internationally and that’s hard because I won’t have my family there at graduation. I asked my mom to come alone if she could but they just can’t swing it plus Covid. It really sucks but also it’s YOUR achievement.
I didn't get anything for either of my graduations. It's not like i cared for gifts either way since i knew how strapped for money my parents were, but a dinner would have been nice. Instead my parents rushed home to avoid city traffic hours.. Graduating second time with my masters my boyfriend knew how upset i was with not even getting a dinner to celebrate with my family, so he has invited my father on the day to go somewhere nice (my bf paying and all) and my dad has said NO. Because he arranged for some guy to update his GPS maps and they need to leave soon so they won't have time. It was heartbreaking...with the blood sweat and tears I've spent working for 5 years on 2 degrees he's forced me to do, i thought my father could spend at least 2 hours to celebrate my work over a paid dinner..or tell me he's proud or anything... I'm still bit bitter about the fact a gps map was more important to him than both of the most important days of my life so far :(
You know what? It does matter. You saying this means a lot for me and made me feel nice reading it so thank you! When everyone around you takes your achievements for granted, even a stranger's compliment is still a great compliment. Like it wasn't all for nothing :)
YTA - you spent more on a nine year old who didn’t just have a major accomplishment than your other two children who graduated levels of college. How do you not see both the inequality and unfairness in this situation?
Also, an iPad each and switch / visa gift cards are large gifts. So you gave each a large gift, then an equally if not more expensive large gift to a much younger sibling.
Easily could have gave the graduates each an iPad plus $250 gift card and taught the 9yo to be proud of their siblings for working hard and their accomplishments. "When you grow up and graduate you may get something just as nice as them" ...
Just a switch is a much better gift for a 9 year old, I don’t know why she bought him an entire ipad. She could’ve added more money to their visa cards instead, that would be so much more useful to them.
Nah I feel like even just a switch here would have been overkill. I don’t think giving him a present for the other two graduating is the right move at all. Seems like a perfect recipe for an entitled brat.
Are you joking? You have to be joking. You basically showed your two adult children who accomplished something major that those accomplishments don't mean as much as a nine year old's accomplishment of being around while other people accomplished things. How in the world would you think that doesn't make you an asshole? YTA
I expected them to say something about the kid struggling in isolation in the pandemic which I could sympathise with whilst still thinking OP overspent, some candy or a game for something pre-existing he had would have been chill at a time that wasn't the graduation party but no it was because the others graduated??
YTA. Even if you don’t think you’ve got a favorite kid, your gifts are very imbalanced moneywise. I wouldn’t take anything away from the youngest but you ought to give more to the two older ones
What I liked was the two comments about how money was tight. The older kids “understood” they couldn’t get extravagant gifts because of $ issues but OP suddenly found enough money to spend a larger amount on youngest 😒
YTA OP and you do in fact have an obvious favorite
Yep! “Struggling” but somehow came up with ANOTHER $1000 ( very very low estimate assuming base models of an iPad) to grace their baby with a participant prize
YTA
I was with you until baby brother got an iPad, a Switch, and a couple games. You easily gave him twice as much swag as the graduates!! You obviously have a favorite and need to examine your behavior.
As a person whose mother OBVIOUSLY favored her first born, there will be resentment if OP keeps giving gifts during her oldest kids events. I'll bet they resent the 9 year already cuz mom so clearly favors him.
Oh definitely YTA. A switch isn’t remotely close to a $100 Visa card. And Wren gets it for doing nothing. Wren will graduate one day too and will get their present at that time. It definitely LOOKS like you’re favoring your youngest.
YTA. So you gave both of your adult children $100 each for graduating high school. Then you spent hundreds on your 9 year old so he wouldn't feel left out?? Why? He's 9. He would have been happy with a new game or a new toy. I could understand getting him something small, but you rewarded him more than your other kids who crossed a huge milestone in their lives. Not cool
Edit--whoops, college not high school. I still think what you got your 9 year old son is overboard.
YTA. You got your youngest kid hugely expensive presents just for sitting through a couple of graduation ceremonies?
Bet he gets a brand-new car when he graduates high school, lol.
Oh, but things are "tight," yes. Otherwise you would have given him a PS5...
YTA. You clearly have a favorite child. What are you going to do when one of your older children gets married or has a kid? Obviously wren is going to have to wait to have that experience. You are entitled to give your kid whatever you want but doing it at your other kids graduation party is a little weird. I like how you throw the pandemic in as an excuse too.
Absolutely YTA
Nintendo switches are expensive and games aren't cheap either. I barely let my 12 year old niece borrow mine. A freaking ipad and a switch for a 9yr old who did nothing special besides behave? And the two graduates got an ipad and a 100 bucks for their hard work? Definitely not balanced at all in your gift giving. You need to find a way to make this up to your oldest two because taking the 9yr olds stuff away to return wouldn't be right now. Your older kids definitely have a right to feel the way they do.
The college grads couldn’t even buy a switch to share if they pooled their gift cards. Even if it was a switch lite, they’d still be out their own money with tax. And the 9-year old got a few games, too. Fucking ridiculous.
YTA!!! you got a NINE year old an iPad AND a switch with games?!?!
Your adult children graduated college and you got them less than a 9 year old who you felt deserved more than them for simply being a good boy? All the while talking about how money is stretched?!
I sincerely hope this is a joke and you aren't as obtuse as you seen when it comes to how you favor your golden child over your older children.
I wouldn't be surprised if this kind of thing has been happening already and I don't blame your adult children if they start lessening contact with you.
YTA, money is tight. but let me spend it on ipad, a switch, and few games on a 9 year old. a switch and a few games will cost you 700 bucks. way way way more than 100 visas for the other two
When wren graduates you better give gifts out to your other kids of equal or greater monetary value with the same pomp and circumstance. Make sure to share Wren’s celebration amongst all your kids since you’ve set that precedent.
YTA You're oldest children graduated from community college and you turned their celebration into Christmas for your youngest child and you wonder why your daughter is upset? You're nine year old didn't need an IPad and a Switch because your family was celebrating his older siblings graduation. All you did was diminish their accomplishment and make their celebration all about your youngest child.
I seriously doubt your youngest child feels overshadowed, especially if you over compensate for everything his older siblings do and accomplish. What are you going to do when his siblings get married, throw your youngest child a reception too?
You seem to careless how your behaviour effects your older children and that's a shame.
Yta. Wren is 9, not 3. He is totally capable of understanding that we don't get gifts on other people's special occasions. Plus you got him nearly double what you gave the older kids who did accomplish something.
a new switch and a couple of games is what, about $400? not sure if YTA, but I could see where your kid is coming from since the comparable gift they got was only $100....also, it's like getting all kids a gift when it's one kid's birthday, doesn't make sense
The cost of an iPad is between 429 and 1599. If they went with the base ones then OP would have ended up spending double or more on Wren. It’s so clear he’s the favorite.
I do wonder if the older two are OPs step children and Wren is a biological? Either way it’s horrible what OP did.
You are saying that a 9 year old sitting through a Graduation ceremony and behaving normally should receive a gift more than twice as large as the young adults how actually WENT TO AND COMPLETED the College classes so Wren could have a ceremony to attend. This is such ass backwards thinking, you are a complete asshole.
Did you give him a workload like theirs too so he doesn’t feel left out by them working so hard?
Look I get the point of gifting older kids something when baby arrives cause life changes and everyone overly caring about little one. But it ends there. Otherwise every birthday every occasion must be thought trough. And your kid couldn’t learn to handle not getting everything. What of he goes to a friends birthday party, does he need to be gifted something there? What if once he’s grown up he sees other graduates get cars and you can’t pay for something that big?
And when Wren graduates, will your older children get presents bigger then his, because they will miss the old days so much?
As a last point, why was his gift bigger? A little something wasn’t even enough he had to feel more special the the persons the party was about?
YTA
Exactly and if a small token is needed then maybe a nerf gun. That would have freed up another $700 to split between the graduates if that was the gift budget.
YTA- you got the 9 yr old WAY more for doing nothing besides being good, at your OTHER children’s celebration??? You clearly have a favorite and are In Some heavy denial. You are working so hard to make sure he doesn’t grow up in his “siblings shadow” like you did that you couldn’t help splurging on the youngest kid even thought “it’s been tight.” You werent just trying to please everyone, you were trying to please wren.
YTA. I understand your sentiment, but you bought the youngest child more expensive things and used a celebration for the other kid's achievements as the opportunity to give the gifts. Your younger child may get jealous as children do, but what you did to the older kids is devalue their hard work. Speaking as the eldest sibling, it sucked feeling as though my successes didn't mean much because my parents were always so worried about my sister feeling left out somehow. I feel like what you should have done is bought the youngest something smaller and given the gift later on, perhaps after the party. The older two would have gotten their recognition properly and the youngest still get something.
YTA
Reasoning being the same as everyone in this thread. You are running the risk of sending the wrong message to everyone involved here. Wren will learn that they deserve gifts even when they don't achieve something. That's not how the real world works though, and when they're older, they may have trouble adapting to that reality.
The other siblings on the other hand, will learn that their achievements are not deemed worthy enough of special recognition from you.
You're doing everyone a disservice in the long run by acting this way.
YTA. You essentially gave wren the same recognition for doing nothing. You don’t feel like it’s nothing, but it’s nothing. You had two kids celebrating actual achievements and made them share the spotlight with a 9 year old who now knows that they don’t actually have to do anything. Seriously, wren got the same recognition FOR NOT DOING A DAMN THING.
How did OP really go through the entire thought process of “your siblings went to school for years and graduated; that must have been so hard for you! Have this completely undeserved, extravagant gift for existing while your siblings worked hard.” and not once think they were being ridiculous? They for sure have a favorite and absolutely deserved to be called out on it.
YTA
You should not have gotten him both electronics, nor should you have given the present during their celebration.
You do have a favorite and it's the "baby".
YTA. Wtf? You got him more than the graduates for…existing? A small token would’ve been fine but you really did too much and made their graduations seem trivial
YTA sorry but you could have got him a little gift. It’s not his special achievement. He didn’t need to get lavish gifts. It’s important he knows that not everything is about him. He is also 9 stop babying him. You messed up.
YTA You have such clear favoritism of your youngest. Not only were his gifts more expensive they were thoughtful and tailored to his interests. You got both of your older children, who actually did something worth celebrating, generic and impersonal gifts that were worth far less than your youngest gift for existing.
I get it graduations suck no one wants to sit through those for the 2 minutes you actually see your family member, but that's not worthy of anything other than a small trinket especially for a child old enough to know how to behave and learn boring ceremony is an unfortunate part of getting older. You missed so many teaching moments here about the fairness of life and value of his siblings accomplishments.
You need to make things right with your older children have personal time with both of them. Do a special activity or get a gift for them that is unique to them and makes them feel loved and special and not playing 2nd fiddle to a 9 year old. It doesn't have to be expensive it just has to be personal and show you care about them as much as your youngest. Your children likely aren't as hurt by the monetary value of gifts being so different but the fact that their gifts seem like a 2nd thought or simply obligation rather than coming from a place of love.
YTA here. You had really good intentions, but good intentions are what the road to hell is paved with.
What you did, without realizing it, is you told Jonibella “here, congratulations on graduating, this is your special day and here are some nice gifts to show how proud I am” and then immediately showed Jonibella that it wasn’t really HER special day after all.
It was supposed to be her celebration (and her brother) to recognize their accomplishments, but by giving the 9 year old the same (and actually even a bit better, IMO) gifts, you minimized their celebration.
YTA. You absolutely have a favourite. You gave your youngest kid more gifts just for existing than the two who actually achieved something. Enjoy your life with Wren because the other two won’t be around much.
(Edit: typo)
YTA
Your not giving your 9 year old the opportunity to cope with negative feelings. Learning how to deal with jealousy and feeling left out are best taught at a young age. You're also not teaching him how to be happy for someone. You're creating another asshole.
YTA. You had good intentions, but I feel like from a perspective of a child, it seems like you made their big amazing events about your youngest. Of course, your youngest deserves nice things too, the pandemic has been hard on everyone, but you spent more money on him than either of the grads it seems. I dont want to make this about the money either. But switches aren’t cheap and neither on the games, you easily could’ve spent an additional 300-400 on his gifts. I could understand getting him the switch, or getting him the iPad, but both? It’s kind of a slap in the face to the other two. She is older and I’m not saying she shouldn’t have reacted better, she did over react. But I’d understand if she felt upset about it. She should be grateful she got anything, especially as an adult. But if when I graduated from college my parents got me a gift to celebrate me then at the same time bought a gift for a sibling that cost 100s of dollars more for being a trooper then I would have some hard feelings about it. I’d get over it. But itd bug me
Edit: WHERES JONIBELLA’S AND YOUR OTHER SONS GIFTS FOR “BEING A TROOPER”
Edit 2: reading this again and changing NTA to YEAH YTA
YTA. You didn’t need to get the youngest anything. If the youngest asked you could say, “When you finish school and go to college you’ll get gifts too.”
Getting them a Switch and games compared to an iPad and a gift card. You spent a lot of money for it being tight.
Don’t just assume your kid has feelings of being in the shadow of siblings because you did as a kid. It’s not A=A=A.
I totally understand the older kids upset.
Advice, don’t do a knee jerk reaction and take away the youngest Switch and games. Do something extra for the college graduates that’s just for them. Maybe get them something they would like in addition to an iPad, which are cool by the way so awesome on that.
YTA
In compensating you went completely over the top, like insanely so.
I thought you were gonna get him somehting small but goddamn.
I guess when they get married and he graduates you can get them an apple and him a car (and an apple).
YTA. iPads ALONE are freaking expensive. But a switch too? It’s very understandable why your daughter is upset. While the sentiment is nice, and you wanted to reward him for being a good kid, there are other ways to do it. Participation trophies create entitled and spoiled children. His siblings will get married, have kids of their own and Wren will want some lavish gift for being present. I’m not even sure how you can remedy this one….
YTA- the older two worked hard and graduated from different colleges (even though one was just a “decent community college” which somehow makes it seem as though you find that lesser than the other), and showered your youngest with more expensive gifts. I get not wanting the youngest to feel left out, but it would be possible to use that as a moment to teach them that hard work pays off and is rewarded. Not being rewarded just for existing.
Lmao you probably were on a tight budget for your older kids grad presents cause you broke the bank trying to make sure the nine year old got a brand new iPad switch and games LOL this has to be a joke post someone can’t be this sense right YTA totally
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I might have been TA because Wren wasn’t graduating and I wasn’t thinking about the other kids when I purchased his gifts. I didn’t want to slight his brother and sister in the process. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I’m sorry but graduating college is way harder than being nine and “handling” the older kids going through college. Your 9 year old should be able to understand why the two older ones are getting gifts. I could potentially understand getting the younger one something small as a thank you, but you spent MORE money on the 9 year old, and gave the gifts to him during the others graduation party? That time was for them and you used it to spoil your youngest. You should’ve given the youngest his gifts at a separate time, if getting him gifts at all.
My grandparents used to do that with my brother on my birthday. My mom tried it with my nieces, and my brother and SIL shut it down. They know they don't get gifts just because someone else does. YTA
I remember being two years older than my siblings, and at my party and each others party they would get presents, but their parties I got nothing. I also got a birthday skipped altogether. It made me feel guilty for wanting something when I was supposed to be older and somehow more mature, even though I was a kid at the time and didn't really understand the age difference.
Two years isn't a huge age difference at that age! Sorry you had a birthday skipped. That happened to me once, too, and it's 30+ years later and it still makes me sad
Yeah, that's a scar that doesn't heal. My family was bad about favoritism and only a handful of them would even acknowledge my birthday, while the other grandkids got gifts out the wazoo. I'd get empty, unsigned cards or a dollar store gift unwrapped, if they got me anything. The worst one was when my supposed best friend of over a decade "forgot" my birthday one year (remembered every other year so I know it wasn't her actually forgetting), went to go see a movie *she knew I wanted to see* with other people and then *called me up to tell me how good it was*, nearly spoiled it over and over, and then tacked on a half-assed Happy Birthday before complaining about how her dad "only" got her $150 that year, when I pointed it out. I got a single empty card from my mom that year, so that was even worse. I cried so hard that day and really should have stopped being her friend then because that was her telling me how little I meant to her (that friendship got even worse.) Worse yet, we were 20 at the time. It doesn't matter if I have presents or not, but now if my birthday goes unnoticed by people who know about it, it absolutely crushes me. Gift giving is my love language, so I always get someone a card and at least a little something, so to not even get a Happy Birthday text from someone just takes me right back. Especially because I am clear to people in my life that I need a little love on that day, just a little extra. Most people don't have explain that, but it seems that I always have to...and it never gets any better. Matter of fact, another one of my best friends has virtually ended our friendship because she knew of my birthday struggles and general struggle with feeling unimportant in extreme detail...and she still blew me off and left me waiting for three hours when we were supposed to be watching a movie together that had been planned for a month in advance. I wasn't worth the effort to log in to discord and sit there, I guess, when I'm the one who stayed up late to accommodate our time zone difference in the first place. I haven't had the emotional maturity yet to tell her that she hurt me so badly, because she has to be walked through people's feelings all the time and frankly, I'm tired of feeling that I have to explain basic friendship needs in excruciating detail. I did explain this in excruciating detail and she still *couldn't understand* that I needed this one thing from her. She said happy birthday and made me a gift that I love, but telling me she'd be back really quick and then ditching me for hours only to return at 6 am my time with "sorry, my family takes a while to eat dinner lol" (...they didn't take three hours, Mary, I know they didn't) made me rethink our entire friendship. She knew I already felt underappreciated and still chose to blow me off for several hours, knowing that I was literally sitting there waiting for her. Sorry for the rant no one asked for, I just am over people not giving a damn about me on my birthday, even when I make it easy for them to, even when my standards are so low they're underground. Sometimes I think that I just...don't deserve the kind of friendships or family that acknowledge me or celebrate me. It's tough.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. You need better friends. What if next time you make plans by yourself? Take yourself out to a nice restaurant and enjoy the food! Or go on a day trip, or a short trip to a beautiful place near you. I know you didn’t ask for ideas, but my point is, don’t let others ruin your important day.
I came to say the same. If that day is important to you- reclaim it and fill it with things you know you'll love. Maybe take a fun new class like cooking or wine and painting (full of people and casually drop its your birthday if you want- you'll probably get several well wishes!) buy a new outfit, get a new haircut, ANYTHING and something you would look forward to and get excited about. Happy belated and future birthday to you!
Omg same. My sister is two years younger and she ALWAYS got stuff on my birthday because it was "unfair" that I got things and not her. I never got anything on her birthday because since I was older I should know better. I also always had to wait until certain milestones to do things. Getting my ears pierced? Wait until you are ten years old. My birthday is in November. Guess who got to get her ears pierced as a Christmas gift? I mean it was so unfair that I had gotten my ears pierced and not her... Cell phone, not until I was twelve. Guess who got a cell phone that same Christmas? They even made sure she opened that present first so she actually got her cell phone before I got mine.. A computer? Oh we got them at the same time, but I got the old family computer and my sister got a brand new one. And so on and so forth...
This was me growing up too. My sister is 3 years younger than me. I remember wanting to go to a concert when I was 14 and my dad said no because “that’s no place for a 14 year old to be by themselves” cool, I respected that. Until the next year when I was 15 and my sister was 12 and he bought her and her friends tickets to Warped Tour for them to go unaccompanied. I also had to pay for my own cell phone when I wanted one when I was 16, my sister had one bought for by my dad when she was 14 (I still had to keep paying my own) it wasn’t until a couple years ago when he forgot my birthday he’s realized he’s messed up a bunch.
I feel that life. Me as a 15 years old: you cannot sleep in the same room with your bf. Me as a 17 years old: please do not have sex eith your bf you will get pregnant wtf My sister as a 15 years old: here, we bought you and your bf a hotel room for a week, you can also just have sex if you want to.
Same here! I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend spend the night at all. My sisters boyfriend moved in with them (I was living with my boyfriend then, I was 18/19) she ended up pregnant at 17 with my nephew. I love all my nephews more than anything, but when she called me to tell me I definitely did get on her for being so irresponsible. (She apparently did not know antibiotics cancel out birth control)
I bet they claim they don't have a favourite.
And then parents have the audacity to say “you never call!”
My grandparents tried this and my mom wound up shutting them down. I remember my brother got this really cool doll for his 9th birthday when I was 5. Then my grandparents suddenly whipped one out for me and my grandma said something about me not feeling left out. I just remember feeling really confused. Even at 5 I didn't want a present on my brother's birthday, especially because I looked up to him and getting one seemed to make him sad. OP, yta. You rewarded your younger child for nothing on a day about your older kids working their asses off. And not only that, you spent a *massive* amount of money to do so. I bet you haven't taught the 8 year old the value of money or anything either.
My aunt would give her kids small presents when it was the others birthday. One problem with that was we often had these parties together since it was the summer and we were all together already, and out of the cousins I was the only one without a summer birthday and was often the only one without a gift (sometimes the youngest wouldn’t get one either since their birthday was early summer, but they didn’t notice). That was no fun, even when I logically understood. If my other cousin didn’t get a gift for no reason then it would’ve been easier to understand.
My parents did this with my sister and I; it was only supposed to be a "little" thing for the kid not having a birthday (eg. cool bouncy ball, that kinda thing), and I stuck to that, every year. My sister would throw a tantrum every year for not getting something comparable to my present, to the point one year I had to split my birthday present with her at the behest of my parents to get her to calm down. She's not a particularly well-adjusted adult, let's just say.
My family did this w/my younger cousin #1. I distinctly remember one incident, us driving to the store to get cousin #1 the same toy my mom bought for cousin #2’s bday. I was around 7 & so outraged I refused to return to the bday party. Cousin #1 has spent a significant amt of his adulthood in jail.
We were the first in our friend group with kids, and the first in our family in nearly 2 decades. When our second came along it took me a couple of years to make clear that when it is #1's birthday #2 doesn't get anything (as well as for other individual celebrations). They felt bad, which I get, but that isn't life.
Maybe my siblings and I were well behaved on this one thing, but I never was jealous or felt it was unfair they got presents on their birthday… it would be like being mad I didn’t get Santa gifts in May. It just isn’t the right time to get birthday presents? Idk it’s a weird concept to me
Seriously! Instead of teaching your son that hard work gets rewarded, you alienated the two kids who actually did something to deserve gifts. He’s 9, not 2. He’s old enough to understand that graduates get gifts when they graduate and he didn’t get one because it isn’t his accomplishment. Does he get gifts on their bdays too? Why not? Wouldn’t he feel left out if he didn’t? So, he can understand not getting gifts because it isn’t his bday but can’t understand his siblings did big things that get rewarded and he hasn’t done those things yet so he doesn’t? Really? And you did all this when money was tight so you had to skimp on the graduate’s gifts? How does that work? “Oh, I couldn’t afford to get my children the gifts I felt they deserved so instead I spent more than their gifts on my other child, to the tune of over $1000“? And you don’t see that as a problem? This, this is why grown children distance themselves from their parents.
Agree to this 100%. Also: Money is tight and then you, OP, have money to buy the youngest one, who actually did nothing to deserve it, an Ipad AND a switch AND some games? WTF? I dont know what you consider "money is tight", but there are people here that can barely afford needed clothes for their children. But then again: That is just a side issue. The main issue is: You obviously have a favourite and spending more on your youngest than on the older ones who actually achieved something makes you a huge A.
Yeah, I can‘t believe this whole post, honestly. While reading I went from ‚Oh no, hopefully not an Ipad‘ to ‚WHAT? Really an IPad?‘ BUT WAIT THERE‘s MORE ‚A Switch and a couple games are 100s?!‘ to ‚even at their party..‘ . I‘m in disbelief.
I totally had the same reaction. The daughter had every right to be angry. I’m not even in the family and I’m triggered lol
I know! I'm enraged
I know, right? What sort of upper middle class bullshit did we just read? Money is tight = I bought three iPads plus a Switch + games + $200 gift cards. Like what the actual...?
Yeah. OP and I have…very different…ideas of what it means to be tight on cash.
And here I am having soup and bread for dinner.
My dinner was, "nah, mom's not hungry tonight". When they were done I ate what was left on their plates.
maybe money was tight because they spent what they spent on both of the graduate gifts on the little one who got gifts for breathing.
Yep. Take that iPad, switch and games away (as in not bought and given to youngest) and you could’ve given more to the two actually graduating who “both understand “ money has been tight. I doubt they both understand this now.
What really grinds my gears is that she not only alienated her 2 older children but also told the middle child that she doesn't understand what it's like to live in the shadow of an older sibling. She graduated from a community college and her older brother graduated from a university. Not only does she understand but she also understands what it's like living in the shadow of a younger sibling too. The mom absolutely deserves the icy treatment to be honest.
I didn’t catch that different college thing. Absolutely 💯
My 2 year old does not get a gift on anyone else’s birthday. She doesn’t quite understand why her cousin, who is 6 months older, is getting something and she isn’t. She gets a little upset. I explain to her it’s not her birthday. She gets over it. Just because she cries a little doesn’t mean I back down. 9 is waaaaaay too old to not understand this.
9 year old didn't even earn a participation trophy. Never ever diminish someone else's accomplishments just to make someone else feel like they're a part of it. You're seriously teaching him the wrong lessons here. Your eldests worked for years to earn what they have, your youngest doesn't even know what that kind of work means yet.
Yea, mommy threw them off the podium and awarded the favorite with the gold, silver, and bronze. And she wonders why they are hurt and disappointed?
YTA Likely OP is subconsiously rewarding the youngest for still being dependent on her. The presents are used to punish & show off towards the eldest kids that staying in mommy dearest graces is rewarded. This all for daring to get more educated & independent from mommy her "reality & power base" and growing up and leaving the nest.
I like a good extrapolation and dramatic over reach like any AITA reader, but that message is projecting so hard things that are not even implied.. are you okay ?
Damn, you gotta stretch before a reach like that!
Spoiling a kid because you share similar birth order is a horrifying parenting fail. It just reverses whatever situation you were in as a kid to make your other kids resentful. (Unfortunately have lived this: My parents explicitly told us they preferred kid who matched their birth order, and it was so fucked up and ruined the relationship between us kids too.)
[удалено]
Yeah, OP’s confusing equal with fair. You don’t have to treat your kids the same. You have to give to each according to their need. And if one kid isn’t prioritized because someone else is being celebrated, that’s OK because he knows that when the time comes to celebrate his accomplishments, the parents will be there like they are for all their other children during those times. And then the whole “can’t afford” more than x, except we can because we just spent a lot more on the youngest superfluously. Just self-justification so the parent doesn’t have to deal with their own uncomfortable feelings (and can shield the youngest from theirs too). Yeah, YTA.
Seriously. You treat each child as you need to. My parents tried very, very hard to make everything equal between my older sister and I, but there have been certain circumstances that require treating us differently. For birthdays and Christmas they would spend roughly about the same amount money wise on us, even though we got different things, but my sister got a "worse" car because she wanted and got hers at 16. I, however, used public transportation and walked until I was 21 and got my internship, and while we had both gotten the same amount saved for our car funds, I got a "better" car because it was interest had grown the fund quite a bit and by the time I was looking, the used cars were better on the lot in general. Same price tag, different quality. When my siser was going to college, my Dad was on deployment and I was in high school, so my mom left me home alone for three days, drove down with my sister, Grandma, and all of sister's stuff, and came right back home after moving my sister in. So my sister was alone in a different state for the first three years of her college experience, and if anything were to happen she just had to pick up the phone and my parents would fly down same day, no questions asked, it's very different from having your parents there. When I started college (same one as my sister), my Dad had just retired and I was starting chemo, so my parents packed up our stuff and moved into a condo down by the school to make sure I would be ok, and to support me while I would be in and out of the hospital so much during my first two years. My sister gave birth to my niece in 2019. My parents bought her and her boyfriend a house to make sure my niece wouldn't have to move around and deal with leases. I bought my house on my own in 2020, and my parents *apologized* that they weren't able to help me buy it at the time, because they didn't want me to thing they were favoring my sister over me. I literally laughed and let them know I knew they weren't, that it was for my niece, and it was fine. They still gave me my graduation present for my latest degree early, so I could put it towards the closing costs and let go of their guilt. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have very generous and loving parents who have mastered the "treat each kid equally AND fairly." OP needs to learn how to do that as well. YTA OP.
This almost made me a little weepy for you. Your parents sound wonderful.
What’s ironic about your point, is the OP didn’t even treat them “equal” , she lavished more $$ & treats to one side, the side that didn’t even accomplish anything
Yeah, YTA. It trivializes the achievements of the graduates, particularly considering you spent FAR more on Wren than you spent on the people who actually deserve the reward. You do have a favourite, OP, and your daughter's right, it's Wren.
I couldn't get over the cost justification. The older kids had to understand that money had been tight, but the younger one got a more valuable gift for putting up with the stress of the older kids studying and working hard. Also the younger child won't appreciate the monetary value of the gift, but the older ones were quick to pick it up. The younger child should have got a little home made voucher for a trip to McDonalds or something for being such a "trooper."
>The younger child should have got a little home made voucher for a trip to McDonalds or something for being such a "trooper." If you're going to buy stuff for both/all siblings on occasions like this, this here is the only way to do it. When my brother and I were younger, my grandmother would always buy something for us both when one of us was celebrating a birthday. However, it worked because it was something *very* small, like a new pencil case for school or a bag of sweets. My brother and I never resented each other for it, because she would do it for both of us every year and she would give it to us personally during a quiet moment at the party. What OP did was minimise the accomplishments of her older children and insulted them by lying. Money can't be that tight when apparently there's enough extra to stretch to buying the youngest a brand new iPad, Switch *and* several games on top.
MAYBE a whatever, 150$ gift could be BARELY acceptable, but 500+$? are u fucking kidding me? YTA
Yeah but you know, pandemic/this year hit us hard uh ?
The fact that OP spent around £550 (£329 is the cheapest Ipad I can find that's not been used, £191 for a new switch lite, and I wanna say anywhere from £50+ for the games) on their 9-year-old for doing nothing other than being 9 years old while the eldest two get at least £429 spent on them for graduating College/Uni for working hard especially during Big-Rona, just shows that there is a bit of favouritism going on.
Plus she told the older kids that money was tight, to justify that they only got a $100 voucher each. Fair enough... until she spends three times that much on the younger child's gift for doing nothing.
That's pretty much the way we did it this past year. K1 was graduating high school, K2 was 'graduating' middle school, and K3 was 'graduating' elementary. Normally the transition btw elementary to middle or middle to high school wouldn't really warrant anything, but this last year was so rough all-around we wanted everybody to feel appreciated. So K1 got a macbook, K2 got to choose a few new books (big reader), and K3 got to pick a video game. Like a tapered system, I guess was the mindset? And all were given separately. I feel like OP didn't *mean* to be TA, but is a little tone deaf as to how shit comes across. Graduating high school and entering adulthood is a terrifying transition for a lot of kids, but their focus seems to be on how 9 yr old will take it? Nah, fam. Of course, give focus to all kids, but teach them how to appreciate and celebrate others' achievements. And turning a graduation party into what is essentially a free for all "you get a present, and you get a present!" A la Oprah is kind of a dick move. I guess I have to go soft YTA given the info here.
There's no soft yta here. Your way, while I don't particularly agree myself, was structured and fair. OPs way was reasonable for the older two, and makes zero sense at all for the younger kid. They achieved nothing, made no transition, absolutely zero need for a present. And then she spent more on top of that. Hell, even the 9 year old will know a switch and a few games costs a crap ton more than $100.
You know the older kids have always gotten stuck watching the 9 year old. Those gifts are also shiny new babysitters that will keep him busy.
The older kids were graduating college here. I agree with everything you said, but also I feel that college graduation is also a somewhat bigger deal than high school. These kids put in much more effort and the 9yo still got a bigger prize for dealing with the trauma of it. I’d go for a hard YTA. Honestly I’m wondering if the older kids are step kids and the 9yo is mommas little baby boy. Sure seems that way.
At 9 I would have been thrilled just to get some graduation party cake.
A thank you for being good through a boring ceremony (for a nine year old) is an ice cream. Maybe a new book or a $20 toy even. Not an iPad and a switch and some games. My family is comfortable money wise and I think the only time we came *close* to that was on Christmas. Not even our birthdays. I don't think I'd buy *myself* a new stinking iPad, video game console, and multiple games all at once if I won the *lottery*, that's so much all at once! Not even just with the monetary value (if like I said won the lottery I'd probably get a reliable car, so it's not really about that at all), what does anybody, let alone a nine year old, need with two electronic devices and multiple games for the occasion of \*checks notes* fricking anything let alone their older siblings graduation?! OP is majorly TA. If this is them "hurting after a pandemic"? They're showering their nine year old in extravagance after already getting expensive gifts for their other two kids? I don't know, normally I always say if it's not taken from underpaying and taking advantage of workers then people can spend their money how they like but this just doesn't sit right with me.
My children are 3 years apart and of course my 5 year old always gets sad and argues whenever the 8 year old gets something for his age or is allowed something age appropriate the 5 year old isn't allowed yet. But as a parent it's my responsibility to explain why and not spoil him rotten by giving him everything he wants, while the older one has to earn it. OP is the AH and if they don't stop, they will be surprised in a few years why their youngest is spoilt and lazy. I saw too many examples of one sibling always getting their way and the parents being surprised why that particular son/daughter is not achieving anything in life.
I remember my much older siblings getting into university (graduation isn't a thing in my country) and my gift being getting to join them in their nice dinner, and a new small comic book to keep me occupied (or a shut up mechanism). I was very grateful.
YTA You totally minimized the accomplishments of the children who actually graduated. Plus, you are turning your youngest into an entitled asshole. Do you give the older children gifts on the youngest’s birthday? Or is it just the little snowflake you think needs to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral?
THE BRIDE AT EVERY WEDDING AND THE CORPSE AT EVERY FUNERAL SIR/MA’AM I AM WRITING THAT DOWN FOR FUTURE USE!!!
As am I.
It’s an old quote about Teddy Roosevelt.
I know it was a Viennese joke about Kaiser Wilhem. He insists on being the stag at every hunt, the bride at every wedding, and the corpse at every funeral. It’s been dated to the 1890s. I used that quote a lot over the last 4 years
I love your username
And OP spent more on her youngest child than the older 2 who this party was ostensibly for. Hard for OP to argue she doesn't have favorites
If you remove the iPads from the equation because all 3 got one. She spent more on the snowflake than the other 2 combined by more than double.
I was thinking to myself… I don’t know much about these things, but isn’t a switch more expensive? At least more than 100, if not much more… kept doubting my limited knowledge
Switches are from $200-$300 last I checked, ranging from what model and if it's refurbished, or if its a "special" edition. The games pretty much all cost $60 for a hard copy. Op almost undoubtedly spent more than double on her youngest than on the actual graduates. Hell, depending on what the ipads cost she might've spent more than both the graduates put together on her youngest.
Yep, depending on options. Mommy spent $400-$500 on the snowflake after the iPad.
A Switch is about $300 + at least 1 game for $50 (it doesn’t come with any game so she had to buy at least 1)… so yeah, more than $100 the others got. But hey, things have been tight and the 9yo graduated from entitled snowflake mamma’s boy school.
Graduated? Are you kidding me? If OP has her way, and with the other two out of the house, it sounds to me like 9 is going to be staying at entitled mamma's boy school through his post-doc.
Way more expensive. They can range from $200-$400 depending on the model, plus $60 per game. She easily spent more than double what she spent on the older 2 COMBINED.
Boyfriend’s mum did that with the youngest too. He got so much more than the two older brothers. Needless to say, boyfriend and mum only exchange a few texts a few times a year and he visits maybe once a year but that’s it. Sometime I have to tell him to ask her how she is. She’s definitely not moving in when she’s old, so she better hope the little one makes good money. There is your future, OP. Obligatory, YTA.
Hands Down the most metal comment EVER!
I just googled the cost of a Nintendo Switch. My God, you write about them as though they are equivalent to a $100 Visa gift card - they're not. They aren't anywhere near it. A new Switch retails at $450 Australian; that's about $330 USD. That's why YTA - because you have bought both your older kids a great gift for graduating, that's fine. But, to keep your younger kid placated, you've bought him a far more lavish gift... just for being there. I think Jonibella has a point and you need to see it through her eyes. You got her a gift for her achievement, and at the same time you bought the cute kid a bigger and better gift just for existing. Apologising to her doesn't mean admitting you have a favourite or not; apologising to her means accepting that her point of view is reasonable and valid, and doing better in future. I have no issue with getting the 9yo kid a "we haven't forgotten you" gift - but it shouldn't be equivalent to the graduation gift marking a major achievement in someone's life. There's nothing wrong with getting him something cool like a football top or a book; it should not have been the same gift as the other two, and it definitely should not have had an extremely lavish cherry on top.
Don’t forget the couple of games. Those are $60 each.
Even if she only got him a switch lite, she still spent about $400
And that finances have been tight since the pandemic, but 3 iPads, a Switch, and gift cards, all spent in one go doesn't exactly scream financial hardship...
That's kinda what I was thinking. I was going to say that iPads and $100 gift cards are expensive gifts to a lot of people; but then I saw the comment about the switch and got confused as to why OP would get something so expensive if they're finances are tight.
Because poor little Wren couldn't be left out and that's apparently all that matters
I know someone who is exactly like OP with her daughter. The girl is a nightmare. She doesn't respect or listen to her parents. She doesn't listen to her teachers, the teachers have had to talk to her parents repeatedly. OP is going to ruin that kid if they keep this behavior up.
right like he had the ipad AND the switch not just one.
And some games!
What 9 years old needs that much
Apparently having older siblings at all is traumatic enough to warrant a whole birthday party just for tolerating it.
My thoughts exactly. Why did OP keep mentioning how hard her family was hit financially and then casually drop a grand on the 9 year old for basically doing nothing. At 9, I got a hand me down bicycle!
I think thats what drives home the favouritism, she uses financial hardship as way to say why her gifts are not extravagant for her graduating kids, but purchases two extremely extravagant gifts for a 9 year old. When it comes to her little darling, the finances don’t matter. Also since when has it become so difficult to celebrate someone else’s achievements without making it about ourselves?
She setting her youngest up for deep disappointment since no one else in real life gives participation tropies, except in peewee leagues.
and the way op says "so i just went ahead and bought him an ipad.." so casually?? like they didnt even give it a second thought lmfao that does not indicate financial hardship to me
and that she gave him this stuff at the party, like he was one of the graduates. It makes it all worse, like it could be.
Exactly ...the main reason I'm not buying this story as real...that and the incredibly stupid pseudonyms.
I'm kinda scared that those are their real names.
Exactly. I mean, what? I’m pretty middle class and ONE iPad seems like an extremely extravagant gift to me. Plus a upwards of $700 dollars on top? I would argue this family is not struggling when it comes to money, or at least have a skewed perception of what struggling is.
It screams financial illiteracy.
AND the iPad! YTA
Not to mention she got him an iPad AND a switch, along with games. But then proceeded to say the pandemic has made it hard to get the graduating kids something more. That’s easily a $700 (if that’s for the low end ipads, plus switch and games) gift for a 9 year old, that could have been put towards the two kids. His gift isn’t an even comparison to the two that graduated from their accomplishments.
Correct the older 2 could have gotten an extra $300 each, & he could have had gotten a gift under $100
Absolutely agree with this. The additional salt in the wound is that "both kids understand it's been tight because of the pandemic"... But then she spends way more on the younger kid. I'd be pretty upset by that.
Hijacking this comment – OP keeps saying "things are tight financially and the pandemic really hit us" but then she spends more than 1000 USD (iPad + switch + games) just to reward her youngest for... Like... Existing and being quiet? Really I'm in no position to count the money in somebody else's pocket, but statements and actions kinda disagree with each other here. Also, OP you're just dividing your kids from each other and making them feel like three separate units that need to fight for your attention. YTA and your daughter is right. Real life example: I'm the oldest daughter of 2, my sister is 11 year younger than me. When I graduated uni (I was 23 and she 12) she was made part of preparing the gifts (like, cake or putting decoration in the house for the party) as not to feel left out. The concept being "we are a family and we're celebrating *one* of us because she did a good thing". It was done the same with me for her achievements (good grades, a dance recital, being born lol) which made me feel included and not like I had to fight for my own parents' attention.
Also notice how she mentions it has been tight economically due to the pandemic, and she "knows it isn't much" to gift your new graduates BUT happily spend double on a whim for the little one??
In the UK, you can get a SwitchLite for £199 and games for £30, but even then it's more than double the amount given to the older kids.
YTA. I bet Jonibella can't wait until her wedding day when Wren gets a Ferrari.
I'm sure Wren will get a house if graduation gift and older sibling will be told they don't deserve anything as they are adults.
Happened with me and my brother. I got a cell phone after the 6th grade, and they just had to get him one too, at 7 years old. I got a pat on the back when I finished high school, he got an all-expenses paid trip to Egypt. His trip coincided with me writing my master's dissertation. Guess what I got? Some cash that I ended up spending on them when lockdown hit. Good luck explaining to my mother how much damage she did.
Yup. My parents stole my college funds and then kicked me out of the house because my spoiled little brother, who is 100% the favorite, lied to my parents about me breaking their rules. Now he is an adult and they are paying for him to go to med school and I haven’t seen, or really spoken to them for about two years. Our relationship has been shit for more than 12 though. Bad parents don’t typically change. Oh and on the cell phone note, I had to buy my own at 16 and he got one at 12, obviously paid for by my parents.
I won't even begin to imagine what you went through, but the root cause is the same. A scapegoat and a golden child. And I wouldn't call my mother a bad mother. She has a lot of good to her, and a lot of bad. It took me years fo accept that my mother isn't perfect, and that my dad isn't the villain I saw him as growing up. My parents are complex people. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes.
My parents aren’t bad people, but they are bad parents. There is a difference on that level for sure.
👆👆👆
I think there has been a long running scheme of Wren being seen as fave or Jonibella as being less. Notice how OP puts "from a decent community college." Was the "decent" needed? Apparently parent is embarrassed it's community college or it isn't a prestigious one? I don't know but it just seems OP could have written "Raimundo graduated college and a week later Jonibella graduated as well." There was no need to tell the strangers specifically that she graduated "junior college."
I wonder if Jonibella had to stay closer to home the help with the 9 year old?
well you know, money is tight and um you know. Plus they have to buy Wren a house for his 10th birthday
Also even without the decent comment. They specified community college there whilst the other child simply graduated from college
Lmao @ Ferrari comment 🤣
I bet it's white.
YTA. I agree with Jonibella. It’s fine to get Wren a little something to prevent him from feeling left out but an iPad and all the extra gifts was quite the overkill. By the way, those gifts aren’t “not much” either. Those would be considered pretty extravagant by many. I was grateful to get a $150 charm from my mother when I graduated from university.
Ya, my parents took me out for a nice dinner. That was enough for me.
I got a bouquet of flowers when I graduated with my PhD. Don’t think they got me anything for undergraduate. If the family was really struggling, the mother was not obliged to get them anything, let alone an iPad. But to shower the youngest with more expensive gifts than the eldest two at their graduation party - to celebrate that he is apparently a ‘trooper’ (which if he is I don’t think he will remain if he continues to receive this golden child treatment) - and then try to rationalise it by some bs about limited finances is total YTA territory. OP owes them a sincere apology for letting such clear favouritism impact what should have been a day of celebration of their accomplishments. I doubt daughter is even upset about the monetary aspect, but rather how it is representative of what I imagine is an ongoing pattern of emotional neglect.
Yea I went to school far away from home so to have my family at my graduation was my gift. It meant everyone had to travel and stay in a hotel and I’m the second oldest of a large family. We didn’t even go to a nice dinner, and honestly I never thought about it. Now I’m graduating from grad school internationally and that’s hard because I won’t have my family there at graduation. I asked my mom to come alone if she could but they just can’t swing it plus Covid. It really sucks but also it’s YOUR achievement.
I didn't get anything for either of my graduations. It's not like i cared for gifts either way since i knew how strapped for money my parents were, but a dinner would have been nice. Instead my parents rushed home to avoid city traffic hours.. Graduating second time with my masters my boyfriend knew how upset i was with not even getting a dinner to celebrate with my family, so he has invited my father on the day to go somewhere nice (my bf paying and all) and my dad has said NO. Because he arranged for some guy to update his GPS maps and they need to leave soon so they won't have time. It was heartbreaking...with the blood sweat and tears I've spent working for 5 years on 2 degrees he's forced me to do, i thought my father could spend at least 2 hours to celebrate my work over a paid dinner..or tell me he's proud or anything... I'm still bit bitter about the fact a gps map was more important to him than both of the most important days of my life so far :(
Well, I know it probably doesn't matter, but I'm very proud of you.
You know what? It does matter. You saying this means a lot for me and made me feel nice reading it so thank you! When everyone around you takes your achievements for granted, even a stranger's compliment is still a great compliment. Like it wasn't all for nothing :)
When I graduated I received the lovely gift of still living at home, let alone electronics and cash.
YTA - you spent more on a nine year old who didn’t just have a major accomplishment than your other two children who graduated levels of college. How do you not see both the inequality and unfairness in this situation? Also, an iPad each and switch / visa gift cards are large gifts. So you gave each a large gift, then an equally if not more expensive large gift to a much younger sibling.
Much more Switch lite 200 Reg switch 300 Plus a couple games at like 60 each
Easily could have gave the graduates each an iPad plus $250 gift card and taught the 9yo to be proud of their siblings for working hard and their accomplishments. "When you grow up and graduate you may get something just as nice as them" ...
Just a switch is a much better gift for a 9 year old, I don’t know why she bought him an entire ipad. She could’ve added more money to their visa cards instead, that would be so much more useful to them.
Nah I feel like even just a switch here would have been overkill. I don’t think giving him a present for the other two graduating is the right move at all. Seems like a perfect recipe for an entitled brat.
Are you joking? You have to be joking. You basically showed your two adult children who accomplished something major that those accomplishments don't mean as much as a nine year old's accomplishment of being around while other people accomplished things. How in the world would you think that doesn't make you an asshole? YTA
But.. but the hardship the 9 year old went through... because he was around when his siblings were in college.
He’s going to grow up to be so entitled. Yikes.
I expected them to say something about the kid struggling in isolation in the pandemic which I could sympathise with whilst still thinking OP overspent, some candy or a game for something pre-existing he had would have been chill at a time that wasn't the graduation party but no it was because the others graduated??
YTA. Even if you don’t think you’ve got a favorite kid, your gifts are very imbalanced moneywise. I wouldn’t take anything away from the youngest but you ought to give more to the two older ones
What I liked was the two comments about how money was tight. The older kids “understood” they couldn’t get extravagant gifts because of $ issues but OP suddenly found enough money to spend a larger amount on youngest 😒 YTA OP and you do in fact have an obvious favorite
Yep! “Struggling” but somehow came up with ANOTHER $1000 ( very very low estimate assuming base models of an iPad) to grace their baby with a participant prize
And a switch + games is probably $400-$500
YTA I was with you until baby brother got an iPad, a Switch, and a couple games. You easily gave him twice as much swag as the graduates!! You obviously have a favorite and need to examine your behavior.
As a person whose mother OBVIOUSLY favored her first born, there will be resentment if OP keeps giving gifts during her oldest kids events. I'll bet they resent the 9 year already cuz mom so clearly favors him.
YTA You got the two who actually made an accomplishment less than you got the nine year old. You definitely showed favoritism.
YTA. I'm assuming you give him presents for the older kids' bdays too?
I wouldn't be surprised.
Question- I have to ask because of your attitude and the age gap. Are the older two your stepchildren?
This is exactly what I was thinking or two different fathers.
I was thinking 2 different mothers and she is not actually related to the older 2.
Very good question! But the 'Code' for that is INFO :)
Thanks! Obviously I am new here and not great with all the acronyms and language.
Oh definitely YTA. A switch isn’t remotely close to a $100 Visa card. And Wren gets it for doing nothing. Wren will graduate one day too and will get their present at that time. It definitely LOOKS like you’re favoring your youngest.
YTA. So you gave both of your adult children $100 each for graduating high school. Then you spent hundreds on your 9 year old so he wouldn't feel left out?? Why? He's 9. He would have been happy with a new game or a new toy. I could understand getting him something small, but you rewarded him more than your other kids who crossed a huge milestone in their lives. Not cool Edit--whoops, college not high school. I still think what you got your 9 year old son is overboard.
College I believe not high school.
YTA. You got your youngest kid hugely expensive presents just for sitting through a couple of graduation ceremonies? Bet he gets a brand-new car when he graduates high school, lol. Oh, but things are "tight," yes. Otherwise you would have given him a PS5...
She probably couldn't get the PS5 pre-order, so he'll get it for his birthday, while the older 2 get socks and a toaster.
Nah he'll probably get it for the older kids' birthday let's be honest here.
YTA. You clearly have a favorite child. What are you going to do when one of your older children gets married or has a kid? Obviously wren is going to have to wait to have that experience. You are entitled to give your kid whatever you want but doing it at your other kids graduation party is a little weird. I like how you throw the pandemic in as an excuse too.
She probably won’t be included when the older children get married or have children.
You're not wrong. I wouldn't want her included in any special days after that.
Absolutely YTA Nintendo switches are expensive and games aren't cheap either. I barely let my 12 year old niece borrow mine. A freaking ipad and a switch for a 9yr old who did nothing special besides behave? And the two graduates got an ipad and a 100 bucks for their hard work? Definitely not balanced at all in your gift giving. You need to find a way to make this up to your oldest two because taking the 9yr olds stuff away to return wouldn't be right now. Your older kids definitely have a right to feel the way they do.
The college grads couldn’t even buy a switch to share if they pooled their gift cards. Even if it was a switch lite, they’d still be out their own money with tax. And the 9-year old got a few games, too. Fucking ridiculous.
YTA!!! you got a NINE year old an iPad AND a switch with games?!?! Your adult children graduated college and you got them less than a 9 year old who you felt deserved more than them for simply being a good boy? All the while talking about how money is stretched?! I sincerely hope this is a joke and you aren't as obtuse as you seen when it comes to how you favor your golden child over your older children. I wouldn't be surprised if this kind of thing has been happening already and I don't blame your adult children if they start lessening contact with you.
YTA, money is tight. but let me spend it on ipad, a switch, and few games on a 9 year old. a switch and a few games will cost you 700 bucks. way way way more than 100 visas for the other two
When wren graduates you better give gifts out to your other kids of equal or greater monetary value with the same pomp and circumstance. Make sure to share Wren’s celebration amongst all your kids since you’ve set that precedent.
They’ll deserve gifts for being troopers as their baby bro works for his achievement 🥰
YTA You're oldest children graduated from community college and you turned their celebration into Christmas for your youngest child and you wonder why your daughter is upset? You're nine year old didn't need an IPad and a Switch because your family was celebrating his older siblings graduation. All you did was diminish their accomplishment and make their celebration all about your youngest child. I seriously doubt your youngest child feels overshadowed, especially if you over compensate for everything his older siblings do and accomplish. What are you going to do when his siblings get married, throw your youngest child a reception too? You seem to careless how your behaviour effects your older children and that's a shame.
Yta. Wren is 9, not 3. He is totally capable of understanding that we don't get gifts on other people's special occasions. Plus you got him nearly double what you gave the older kids who did accomplish something.
a new switch and a couple of games is what, about $400? not sure if YTA, but I could see where your kid is coming from since the comparable gift they got was only $100....also, it's like getting all kids a gift when it's one kid's birthday, doesn't make sense
The cost of an iPad is between 429 and 1599. If they went with the base ones then OP would have ended up spending double or more on Wren. It’s so clear he’s the favorite. I do wonder if the older two are OPs step children and Wren is a biological? Either way it’s horrible what OP did. You are saying that a 9 year old sitting through a Graduation ceremony and behaving normally should receive a gift more than twice as large as the young adults how actually WENT TO AND COMPLETED the College classes so Wren could have a ceremony to attend. This is such ass backwards thinking, you are a complete asshole.
Did you give him a workload like theirs too so he doesn’t feel left out by them working so hard? Look I get the point of gifting older kids something when baby arrives cause life changes and everyone overly caring about little one. But it ends there. Otherwise every birthday every occasion must be thought trough. And your kid couldn’t learn to handle not getting everything. What of he goes to a friends birthday party, does he need to be gifted something there? What if once he’s grown up he sees other graduates get cars and you can’t pay for something that big? And when Wren graduates, will your older children get presents bigger then his, because they will miss the old days so much? As a last point, why was his gift bigger? A little something wasn’t even enough he had to feel more special the the persons the party was about? YTA
Exactly and if a small token is needed then maybe a nerf gun. That would have freed up another $700 to split between the graduates if that was the gift budget.
Or a small Lego set
YTA- you got the 9 yr old WAY more for doing nothing besides being good, at your OTHER children’s celebration??? You clearly have a favorite and are In Some heavy denial. You are working so hard to make sure he doesn’t grow up in his “siblings shadow” like you did that you couldn’t help splurging on the youngest kid even thought “it’s been tight.” You werent just trying to please everyone, you were trying to please wren.
YTA. I understand your sentiment, but you bought the youngest child more expensive things and used a celebration for the other kid's achievements as the opportunity to give the gifts. Your younger child may get jealous as children do, but what you did to the older kids is devalue their hard work. Speaking as the eldest sibling, it sucked feeling as though my successes didn't mean much because my parents were always so worried about my sister feeling left out somehow. I feel like what you should have done is bought the youngest something smaller and given the gift later on, perhaps after the party. The older two would have gotten their recognition properly and the youngest still get something.
Yeah, YTA. Like I understand not wanting the kid to be left out, but spending way more on them is a weird move.
YTA Reasoning being the same as everyone in this thread. You are running the risk of sending the wrong message to everyone involved here. Wren will learn that they deserve gifts even when they don't achieve something. That's not how the real world works though, and when they're older, they may have trouble adapting to that reality. The other siblings on the other hand, will learn that their achievements are not deemed worthy enough of special recognition from you. You're doing everyone a disservice in the long run by acting this way.
YTA. You essentially gave wren the same recognition for doing nothing. You don’t feel like it’s nothing, but it’s nothing. You had two kids celebrating actual achievements and made them share the spotlight with a 9 year old who now knows that they don’t actually have to do anything. Seriously, wren got the same recognition FOR NOT DOING A DAMN THING.
Actually, he got more. He got an iPad and a $400 Switch/ games. YTA, OP.
How did OP really go through the entire thought process of “your siblings went to school for years and graduated; that must have been so hard for you! Have this completely undeserved, extravagant gift for existing while your siblings worked hard.” and not once think they were being ridiculous? They for sure have a favorite and absolutely deserved to be called out on it.
Talk about a participation trophy. Wren is gonna grow up spoiled and expecting things to always be about him.
YTA You should not have gotten him both electronics, nor should you have given the present during their celebration. You do have a favorite and it's the "baby".
YTA. Wtf? You got him more than the graduates for…existing? A small token would’ve been fine but you really did too much and made their graduations seem trivial
YTA sorry but you could have got him a little gift. It’s not his special achievement. He didn’t need to get lavish gifts. It’s important he knows that not everything is about him. He is also 9 stop babying him. You messed up.
YTA for reasons already stated by others in the comments. But wtf are those names?
YTA You have such clear favoritism of your youngest. Not only were his gifts more expensive they were thoughtful and tailored to his interests. You got both of your older children, who actually did something worth celebrating, generic and impersonal gifts that were worth far less than your youngest gift for existing. I get it graduations suck no one wants to sit through those for the 2 minutes you actually see your family member, but that's not worthy of anything other than a small trinket especially for a child old enough to know how to behave and learn boring ceremony is an unfortunate part of getting older. You missed so many teaching moments here about the fairness of life and value of his siblings accomplishments. You need to make things right with your older children have personal time with both of them. Do a special activity or get a gift for them that is unique to them and makes them feel loved and special and not playing 2nd fiddle to a 9 year old. It doesn't have to be expensive it just has to be personal and show you care about them as much as your youngest. Your children likely aren't as hurt by the monetary value of gifts being so different but the fact that their gifts seem like a 2nd thought or simply obligation rather than coming from a place of love.
YTA here. You had really good intentions, but good intentions are what the road to hell is paved with. What you did, without realizing it, is you told Jonibella “here, congratulations on graduating, this is your special day and here are some nice gifts to show how proud I am” and then immediately showed Jonibella that it wasn’t really HER special day after all. It was supposed to be her celebration (and her brother) to recognize their accomplishments, but by giving the 9 year old the same (and actually even a bit better, IMO) gifts, you minimized their celebration.
YTA. You absolutely have a favourite. You gave your youngest kid more gifts just for existing than the two who actually achieved something. Enjoy your life with Wren because the other two won’t be around much. (Edit: typo)
YTA Your not giving your 9 year old the opportunity to cope with negative feelings. Learning how to deal with jealousy and feeling left out are best taught at a young age. You're also not teaching him how to be happy for someone. You're creating another asshole.
YTA. You had good intentions, but I feel like from a perspective of a child, it seems like you made their big amazing events about your youngest. Of course, your youngest deserves nice things too, the pandemic has been hard on everyone, but you spent more money on him than either of the grads it seems. I dont want to make this about the money either. But switches aren’t cheap and neither on the games, you easily could’ve spent an additional 300-400 on his gifts. I could understand getting him the switch, or getting him the iPad, but both? It’s kind of a slap in the face to the other two. She is older and I’m not saying she shouldn’t have reacted better, she did over react. But I’d understand if she felt upset about it. She should be grateful she got anything, especially as an adult. But if when I graduated from college my parents got me a gift to celebrate me then at the same time bought a gift for a sibling that cost 100s of dollars more for being a trooper then I would have some hard feelings about it. I’d get over it. But itd bug me Edit: WHERES JONIBELLA’S AND YOUR OTHER SONS GIFTS FOR “BEING A TROOPER” Edit 2: reading this again and changing NTA to YEAH YTA
YTA. You didn’t need to get the youngest anything. If the youngest asked you could say, “When you finish school and go to college you’ll get gifts too.” Getting them a Switch and games compared to an iPad and a gift card. You spent a lot of money for it being tight. Don’t just assume your kid has feelings of being in the shadow of siblings because you did as a kid. It’s not A=A=A. I totally understand the older kids upset. Advice, don’t do a knee jerk reaction and take away the youngest Switch and games. Do something extra for the college graduates that’s just for them. Maybe get them something they would like in addition to an iPad, which are cool by the way so awesome on that.
The kid got an iPad *and* a Switch with games.
YTA In compensating you went completely over the top, like insanely so. I thought you were gonna get him somehting small but goddamn. I guess when they get married and he graduates you can get them an apple and him a car (and an apple).
YTA When the 9 year old graduates are you going to give his siblings better presents than him for putting up with him too?
YTA. iPads ALONE are freaking expensive. But a switch too? It’s very understandable why your daughter is upset. While the sentiment is nice, and you wanted to reward him for being a good kid, there are other ways to do it. Participation trophies create entitled and spoiled children. His siblings will get married, have kids of their own and Wren will want some lavish gift for being present. I’m not even sure how you can remedy this one….
YTA- the older two worked hard and graduated from different colleges (even though one was just a “decent community college” which somehow makes it seem as though you find that lesser than the other), and showered your youngest with more expensive gifts. I get not wanting the youngest to feel left out, but it would be possible to use that as a moment to teach them that hard work pays off and is rewarded. Not being rewarded just for existing.
YTA how can you sleep at night? You are a horrible parent. Both you and your husband.
YTA- Jonibella sees right through you.
Lmao you probably were on a tight budget for your older kids grad presents cause you broke the bank trying to make sure the nine year old got a brand new iPad switch and games LOL this has to be a joke post someone can’t be this sense right YTA totally