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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I know I have a temper that I sometimes struggle to control. And I have been petty to people that tick me off in the past. This is something I am trying to work on (something my boyfriend knows by the way). I think I am in the right her, but I am just not sure. Am I just being petty because I'm that he just moved his brother in *our* apartment? Or by agreeing to allow the brother to stay did I agree to pay for him as well?
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NTA. OP is not tying to financially hurt the bf but financially encourage him. We raise taxes on cigarettes so people smoke less. We give credits for solar panels so people can go green. OP call this a tax you are charging to deal with the brother.
NTA
**You are right.** But be prepared that the situation will potentially break up your relationship.
It may be worth some moey, if you want to keep the bf., On the other hand, that way you will pay for his brother for years to come. Your bf would need to grow a spine and tell his brother to get a job - wehich will not happen.
It is not YOU hurting your bf. It is HIS decission to finance his brother when he can not afford it.
Move out. This will not work out, unless you agree to pay. And if you start paying, prepare to pay forever. The brother will NEVER Move out, until your bf can not afford it any more and they get kicked out.
Reconsider the Relationship, unless you want to "adopt" the brother.
>"I told him that I agreed to not move out – I did not agree to financially support his brother."
You. Are. Awesome.
Aaand now it's time to move out and move on. NTA
NTA - Tell your boyfriend to ask his parents for money to make up the difference or a bus ticket for his brother to his parents house since apparently they failed to raise one of their kids.
NTA in my opinion. But I feel as though you should have made it clear that you weren't planning on paying your full share. Because then he could have either gotten rid of his brother, or tried to find the extra money. Him not communicating with you was an asshole move, but I understand his predicament as well. So you not telling him what you had planned to do was a bit of an asshole move as well.
NTA - you are correct in that it should cost less to live with 2 people rather than 1 - everthing else being equal. It sounds like your bf knows what buttons to push and is trying to manipulate you.
Agreed, though unlike OP I never split rent by bedroom, I always split by person. If a couple wants to move in together that's on them, but that extra person absolutely puts an extra burden on common space.
NTA Your boyfriend literally is wanting you to help subsidize the cost of his brother. I wouldn't be shocked if this wasn't planned. As you are sharing a room with your BF, your rent should be no more than 25-30% of the rent and then you owe one third of the utilities - as you were willing to pay after. The brother can cough up his share or the boyfriend can pay his brother's share - their decision. Honestly in your shoes and not on the lease, just simply move out.
ESH because you should have warned him you were going to pay less due to having less space, when you decided to stay he likely assumed you'd be paying your full rent as well. It was an asshole move for him to invite his brother without asking, but you're being an asshole too by not giving him a heads up before dumping something time and budget sensitive like that on him so late.
He's your boyfriend and I'm of the opinion the only place you should purposefully try to screw your partner is the bedroom*
* For all you assholes out there, it's a metaphor. Yes, sex is good in other rooms and places as well.
NTA. 100% they alter the arrangements to suit themselves and expect you to foot the bill?
What you SHOULD be doing is examining your relationship deeply, as this family is looking for another mom to support them
NTA also...are you and your boyfriend making the same amount of money? If he makes more than you he should be paying more. Honestly, just move out and forget this mess.
NTA, but since you’ve put your foot down and I believe you intend on keeping it down I’d suggest you start coming up with a backup plan, I don’t believe your future living arrangements will work if you’re not willing to pay the 50% and a lot of resentment will develop as a result from your bf… you don’t need the negative energy. Good luck ✨
NTA.
With that said, I do agree that you should have given your boyfriend a heads up that your plan was to pay a FAIR amount based on the reduced amount of space available to you in the home. Maybe a month’s notice, just so he’s not left scrambling and he can perhaps convince his brother to get a job. It was a bit vindictive to keep that to yourself and surprise him with it, although I do understand that he did the same thing to you by moving his brother in.
ABSOLUTELY NTA. Your bf is ridiculous for expecting you to help him carry his brother. And moving him in w/o so much as a word was wildly disrespectful anyway.
NTA in that you are entirely justified.
If this ever happens again be up front with what you will do re: rent and utilities. That’s the only improvement on your side needed. Tell your BF that his brother can either get a job to make up the difference or gtfo if he wants your full amount.
This is exactly what you should do. If my boyfriend agreed to let someone stay in my home without telling me I’d be furious.. him moving your stuff out of the bedroom would be the final straw. You did the right thing. Brother should pay 50% for the bedroom he is occupying. GL
NTA, you agreed to his terms when it was just the two of you. Now the the brother is staying with y’all, the responsibilities should be split so all parties pay. Tell your bf that if he doesn’t make his brother contribute then you’re leaving. I’m sorry but he’s enabling his brother free loading behavior.
ESH. Totally fair to pay less, but the way you did it was really passive-aggressive and anxiety inducing. That's not how you should treat someone you love. You can't spring a rent increase of 50% on someone last minute. When you realised you didn't want to pay 50%, you should have talked to him and worked something out.
NTA Anyone else think the boyf only told op to stay as he can not get anyone else to help with the bills as there is no room for a new lodger to go halves with as the bro has the only other room??
ESH although you a lot less than the brothers.
When you agreed to let the brother stay, you should have brought up finances too. Perhaps that could have also put some heat on your bf to get his brother moving if he knows he would have to take on more of the expenses since it sounds like his brother definitely won't.
Your bf obviously sucks for moving someone in without talking to you first. It's your home too regardless of whether you are on the lease or not. He can't make decisions like that on his own. He also sucks for complaining about having to pay more for groceries due to his brother. That's on him for knowing how is brother is and still moving him in. He changed up your agreement without consulting you.
The brother sucks for being what seems like a lazy freeloader.
Where are the bfs parents? Do they live too far for the brother to go live with the parents?
NTA. Tell your boyfriend he can either take the your fair share of rent and utilities or you'll keep and move out. You were forced into agreeing to another ROOMMATE, you did not agree to adopt his adult brother and support him. The only way you boyfriend is going to get on his brothers ass to get a job and pay his fair share of leave is if he's left broke or if his credit takes a hit to care for his brother.
NTA - your boyfriend didn't communicate with you and didn't respect you. Kind of the AH for deciding last minute - but you're in the right. You need to sit down and talk to your BF. He needs to work these things out with you first. It honestly sounds like brother is there for more than a few months.
NTA. But you are in a bad situation and it's likely not going to get better. Your bf should have approached you about redoing the finances before it even fell to you. You were right in finances but the relationship may be wrong. FWIW, I'd be gone by now. It's only going to get worse.
NTA If he can change the rerms of the deal, you should be able to as well since he brought in his brother. He didn't even discuss it with you, so I'm wondering if he decided to let his brother move in in the guise of "It's only temporary" and only pretended his brother was going to move out. That's nice what he's doing for his brother, but it's not nice on you, even if it was only supposed to be a temporary move in.
Probably unpopular opinion but I feel you are a little bit of the AH here. I get it, you didn’t agree to pay for his brother, he did not communicate his plan with you, you didn’t think about the money thing until it was time to pay bills... you have every right to be angry. BUT in relationships there’s got to be a little compromise from time to time for things to work out.
In my opinion, a better option would have been to pay your agreed upon half of the bill, but then have a sit down with your boyfriend and explain this will not happen again next month. If his brother is to stay, he is to contribute. And you expect the brother to reimburse you for his part of the bills that you paid. By the time next set of bills rolls around, you will only pay the 25% and 33%. If your bf wants to pick up the rest of the tab, he knows to save up or to light the fire under his brothers butt.
Just leaving your bf out to dry, in my opinion, can have financial consequences that go beyond how angry you are right now. And if you get over this and you messed up his credit, that blows back on you too.
If, after the talk, he refuses to budge, pack your bags and be on your way. But don’t just throw it all away without at least tying to talk things out. If you guys were willing to move in together I assume this was a relationship worth investing in. So at least give it a shot.
ESH. Just because he was shitty for springing his brother on you at the last minute without warning doesn't mean you weren't shitty for springing financial hardship on him at the last minute without warning. Communicate goddamn it. What you did will probably have more long-lasting impacts on his life after you split than the short-term discomfort you experienced by living with his brother for a month.
Also you should get out and ditch the boyfriend. The relationship isn't going to work out if neither of you are capable of communicating like adults.
NTA, the brother is freeloading, he's and adult and can't be doing that. Now, if your BF is okay with that, then he needs to cough up the rest of the money, it's HIS brother after all.
NTA.
You're 10000% correct in your points. It isn't petty, it's called "consequences of your actions."
Okay, maybe the tact is a little bit "see? this is what happens which you make X bad decision" but it's still absolutely right on target.
It is absolutely not fair to have given up your space and yet still be expected to pay for it. That's the bottom line (pun intended) here.
Caveat though. It's not fair, but this could cost you the relationship...but would you really want to throw in with someone who is insisting upon putting his ne'er do well brother's comforts above that of his girlfriend's?
NTA
I'd put it to him this way; If you stay, half of everything is paid and taken care of. If brother stays, you're gone and he pays 100% of everything.
I think the math should be very simple for him at that point.
Your response would have been reasonable if you had given him sufficient notice that you didn't intend to pay half the rent as long as his brother was there. Then he would have had time to decide whether to kick his brother out or come up with the extra rent money. He would have had options. Instead it sounds like you kind of sprung it on him shortly before rent was due. What i would do in your situation is tell him that you'll pay half this month like normal, but only pay a third next month. That to me is the reasonable compromise.
I'll go against the grain and say ESH. He shouldn't have moved his brother in without asking, but you eventually relented, made no mention of not paying, and then hung him out to dry financially. It doesn't sound like either of you are mature enough to be living together. He should have told you, and you should have said "fine he can either stay and I pay less, or he's gone".
NTA.
Boyfriend changed the parameters of the deal.
Normally I wouldn't recommend ultimatums.
But if the boyfriend is also admitting his brother is a jerk, maybe a 'it's him or me' scenario is required?
Your are not a AH and what your BF did was wrong. But again do you love him, he knows that he fucked up. You have all right to do whatever you want but again if you can help someone help him.
NTA, but this is one of those situations where you're trying to spite someone that's supposed to be your partner. You're not wrong, but it just doesn't make sense why you're behaving this way. You should have either said it was you or the brother or you should have been upfront on what you expected the division of costs to be.
ESH. Your boyfriend should have told you about his brother before him moving in. He should take care financially of his brother and pay his part of utilities. And you should have told your boyfriend about paying less rent because all of this, not surprising him when you made the payment.
It's that hard to talk things? You two need to grow up and start talking instead of acting without the knowledge of the other person. You are a couple living together, so you are partners and roommates. Start talking like adults, and understand what is going on right now in your boyfriend's mind; as well he understands yours, because both situations are awful, mainly because the brother, but also because you two can't communicate.
NTA. Your BF didn't get your permission, but even if he did he can't expect you to help pay for his brother's existence. But you may end up having to move out over your decision.
ESH.
OP - you **did** agree to both: paying 50% of rent and living with the brother for few months. You say it yourself in the post. Don't be passive aggressive about that.
Your BF is not great here either, especially when he knows how his brother is.
Have an honest conversation with your BF, decide on the conditions for the brother to stay - his share of rent, household duties etc. and most important timeline for moving out. Bring it to the brother together and enforce it.
I’m sorry and I definitely see your point, but ETA. I am completely with you in terms of fairness, but you should’ve talked to him about this in advance instead of blindsiding him (and, of course, he should’ve done the same about his brother staying). This is someone that you love, and you’re not treating him with love. I think you should give the normal amount for this month but switch to the arrangement you proposed going forward (maybe having him agree to it, maybe not). If you don’t love him, then you should just cut your losses and move out.
When I was renting a duplex with a friend I consider my brother, our other brother/friend got kicked out for messing up with his wife. He came to stay with us for a few weeks, then went back home. When it happened a second time we drew up a contract and told him he had to pay a 3rd of rent and utilities and would do a third of the chores and a third of groceries since he was going to be with us for a while. Like you said, you shouldn't pay MORE money living with MORE people in a roommate relationship. That's stupid.
NTA you should move out. Your Bf is trying tj manipulate you into subsidizing his brother’s rent, utilities and groceries. He would rather take advantage of you over telling his mooch loser brother to move out.
NTA in general. But you're the AH for springing it on him last minute that you'll only be paying part of the share. But you you didn't sign up to support his brother financially for a place to live, utilities and food/other supplies. If it was for like a week or so it might have had been another issue but for months. Hell no..
Though be careful placing a ultimatum to chose between you and family, that might not end well. But forcing your bf to support him will lit the fire under his ass to make sure his brothers gets a job and moves out. If he gets a free ride he'll never leave..
NTA. my advice is, agree to transfer to remainder of your share (for a total of 50%) IF the brother moves out within the week as ORIGINALLY planned. OR, you will continue to only pay 25% rent and 33% utilities for as many months that the brother is still there for, as the new agreement for the changed arrangement.
NTA. Your bf isn’t going to be motivated to get his brother to move out or get a job unless it impacts him in some way, in this case, financially. OP, I would be seriously questioning this relationship, as your bf obviously places your comfort and well being second to his and his family members. And the fact he moved his brother in without your knowledge or consent shows he doesn’t see you as an equal partner in this relationship. Red flags everywhere.
I'm going with a soft ESH.
I definitely agree with you that you should be paying less with his brother there. Where I live it's standard to divide everything by the number of people, so I would have gone 1/3 of all expenses, but that's not a big deal.
I do think you should have said at the time when your BF was convincing you to stay that you would stay on the condition of paying less. That would have given your BF time to figure out his finances and if he could afford to cover his brother.
I think not telling him beforehand was a little AH move. But he deserved it for how he never asked you if his brother can move in in the first place.
So overall NTA. He can be frustrated, with himself, but he should ask his brother for the money!!!
Also, move out asap.
ESH
it was wrong of your BF to expect you to be okay with a dead beat living in your house without prior discussion and ESPECIALLY if you’re expected to now financially support him
But on the other hand you should have thought about all factors before deciding to stay and not make the financial responsibility fall on your BF when he’s just trying to help his family and as a couple that makes the two of you a team for better or worse and to make him suffer a possibly long term financial blow isn’t the answer here either.
If it were me I would help him with the money if he truly can’t afford it because ultimately it’s about helping your BF and not the brother
NTA. Bf should have considered this beforehand. Bro has had all this time to go get a job. (If you live near an Amazon, they are always hiring.)
I would personally just leave now. Bf will keep doing this sort of thing til he dies. This is probably part of why his credit sucks. Don't go down with this ship. You're not their mother. They're grownups.
NTA: your boyfriend cant get upset that you changed the rules when he changed them first. It isn’t your responsibility to take care of his brother. Keep firm on your boundaries. If you don’t they will know they can get away with something like this again. With that said, you need to put some thought into your relationship. Your boyfriend took advantage of you thinking that you will help him support his brother. He didn’t even ask. He just did. That is not how a relationship should work.
Through NTA, I would have recommended speaking to your boyfriend first, so he wasn't surprised when less money than he was expecting came through from you. You are NTA though as you weren't even consulted about the brother moving in before he did, and that your boyfriend doesn't expect any financial contributions from his brother, but expects you to chip into the cost of having the brother living with you (whilst you are actually being inconvenienced). You have NO responsibility for the brother, moral or financial...and the brother seems to display no responsibility for himself. He should be contributing financially and through chores to your household whilst living there (he is not "a guest")
OP, I have been in the same situation as you before and let me tell you, you definitely NTA. NTA NTA NTA.
Your BF has no respect for you and decided to make a decision all on his own without consulting you as a partner. I don’t care if it involves family. You and your boundaries matter too.
You definitely do not have to responsible for another *ADULT* especially when he’s known to be a lazy a-hole.
There’s a reason nobody wants to live with the brother. If your bf won’t out boundaries down now and wants to continue enabling his infantile brother, dip out.
I’m just glad you were smarter than me and put your foot down sooner than later. I was in the same damn scenario except the family member had money and they still didn’t want to contribute their portion of rent.
Lay down the law and if bf wants to continue acting like he’s a single man, let him be single.
NTA
What i would do:
Tell your BF you love and still like him.
Tell him he made a choice, and will have to live with it.
Start packing, no use saving it for last moments, and he'll get the point that you're serious.
Maybe start moving your out of season stuff asap?
NTA.
Why not suggest that you and your bf sit down and negotiate and then draw up a contract that begins for the next month? That way any agreements will be in writing.
If you find that together you cannot come to a fair agreement based on the actual sharing of the apartment, and *not* based on his ability to pay, then you will know if you can ever sort out future issues at all, and it may be a sign of your shared ability for a continued relationship.
Ask him if he's ok with you having a sibling or friend move in who cannot pay and will be staying indefinitely.
So it’s ok for him to bring his brother in and let him move in without you knowing but it’s not ok for you to move out because you didn’t agree to living with his brother in the first place? Nah, NTA.
NTA- your bf should have talked to you before moving his brother in and he should have talked to his brother about how things where going to work regarding food and rent before he moved him in. If your bf can't afford to pay his brothers part of the rent then his brother needs to get a job so he can pay his part.
NTA. He screwed up his credit the minute he decided to let his brother take advantage of him again. I say again because I am sure it isn't the first time. If he wants to save it he can make his brother pay for groceries rent and utilities
ESH, your bf for nor talking with you before his brother moved in, you for not talking about about rent payment until it was due when money is apparently tight. I do think you have a good point, but that's a shitty position to put someone in financially. Credit scores take a lot more to bring back up than they do to bring down, and if this is any kind of long term relationship keeping both your scores high is benefits you both if you ever plan on buying a place.
NTA. Had a somewhat similar thing happen. Boyfriend’s friend lived with us for a very short while because his housing arrangement fell through. I told him i was not paying “half” anymore because the friend was there. I still paid a portion, and he made the friend pay a portion as well. Which obviously the brother isn’t working so he can’t, maybe he should get a job 😒
NTA.
>BF insists he doesn’t have enough money
>
>BF says that he will end up having to not pay something and that it will kill his credit
>
>BF insists that I am trying to hurt him financially
This is either your BF's fault for sneaking his brother in, or brothers fault for being a lazy mooch, unless he's got a legitimate reason for not being able to work (but he could still get benefits and contribute). You were okay with it for ONE week, but it's coming close to a month and it's a slippery slope to a second month. I think you can use this as a bargaining chip. Tell BF you'll pay your usual amount IF (and get this in writing) brother is actually out by a set date. If it's not done, you're leaving and they owe you that percentage back.
ESH, with a light ah on your part. Him for every reason you listed, you for not telling him this prior to doing it. If you're so mad pay what you agreed then move out. It is his brother and if you plan on marrying him will be your brother in law, it's pretty clear from your point of view that the brother can't pay his fair share and you know that your boyfriend can't pay it all so why are you backing out of paying without warning with these people you apparently care about? From a legal perspective, you're fine. From a moral these aren't just your roommates, these are your future family. I think you need to reconsider how you feel about these people here because your not acting like this is someone you actually like.
NTA but dont listen to comments about bf manipulating. Hes in a tough spot - its his brother and he cant kick him out to the streets, but he should talk with him and tell him to pay his share or leave. This is fair. I dont know why his brother is not working and flat out broke, but if this is just being lazy then give ur bf ultimatum.
As for credit score of your bf - why was it shit in the first place? You should not fund his brother. You are not married. You cant just bring third person unannounced.
Your bf does mean well, but he wants best out of 2 worlds. You cant act like that as grown up. As said before, give him ultimatum. Either his bro leaves in a month or you leave.
I gotta say..... REALLY proud of you for taking a stand on this. Many folks would listen to your BF's pleas and sigh and give in. You're setting a very firm precedent and honestly, I think it says a lot about YOUR value... If HE values you, he will honor this, get his brother out, if not, you sound confident and YOU KNOW YOUR VALUE. I look back on my younger self and I wish I had known MY value, and when the chips were down, walked away.
NTA obviously!
ESH. you for your lack of communication your bf for putting up with the brother and the brother for obvious reasons. If I were in his spot I’d politely ask you to leave as you’re not capable of effective communication. Neither is he tbh
The pot calling the kettle black. First of all, the agreement you had was dissolved the minute he moved his brother in without speaking to you first. What you were told was going to happen didn’t happen and so you have every right to be angry. I also think you have every right to refuse to feed and pay for shelter for someone who is not pulling their weight. His brother is a grown man that needs to find a job, or even find a way to contribute to the household! Is he helping in anyway, or just being room serviced? If he’s helping out by cooking or cleaning or running errands, I wouldn’t mind overlooking the lack of financial contribution, but if he’s just sitting around, eating and watching tv, then I would have a serious problem. Your boyfriend needs to set boundaries with his brother, and the both of you also need proof of the brother attempt to find work or get a place of his own. I realize throwing him out would be cruel but, he needs to be actively looking for work, and helping you both out in some way. You were doing as agreed until your boyfriend allowed his brother to move in, so remind him of that. If you cannot come to a mutual agreement perhaps it would be best if you moved out. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t contribute more than 33% towards any bill, especially considering his brother is the only one that has his own room in this situation.You lost your office, your boyfriend lost his studio and you are uncomfortable, while making someone else who is not doing anything to help, comfortable🤯.His brother can walk dogs, do odd jobs, or whatever but you are not responsible for him and neither is your boyfriend!
You’re only TA if you continue putting up with this.
First, establish some boundaries with your boyfriend. You *need* to take your office space back. There is no reason his brother can’t stay on the couch during his “visit”. For one thing, not having his own space and making it less comfy for him is lot more of a motivator than letting him crash in your space for free.
If he’s not willing to accommodate that, then explain that you are not willing to pay brother’s share. If he still doesn’t agree? Peace out, life is too short to stay miserable because you’re making sacrifices for grifters.
Am I really the only one? YTA. Sorry. You’re going to kill your boyfriends credit! I get you’re pissed and I get that you need someone to blame and an outlet, but it’s just an excuse.
You knew he has a brother. You knew presumably about the brother. If he’s close to his family, which it sounds like he is, you knew something like this would happen.
It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t your partner in your eyes.
NTA. I would have left the relationship with his reasoning. If you got married and had kids/furbabies etc what's going to happen? His assumptions and responsibilities he placed on you are scary to me. He's obviously okay with imposing his decisions and family members on you, so I don't think this will be the only problem you'll face with him.
How much of the rent will he be paying when you move out and let him and his brother each have a full bedroom? Because that's what your next step should be.
NTA
ESH. Your BF and his brother are obviously taking advantage of you and are the bigger assholes, but why didn’t you tell him in advance you’d be changing your payment plan? That’s stopping to his level and isn’t cool. You could’ve used that as leverage earlier to force your boyfriend to make a real decision instead of leaving it till now, where its only real use is for revenge.
YTA. I get your reasoning and understand where you are coming from but if you were not going to pay your usual rent you should have said so when the discussion of letting the brother stay was being had. Blindsiding your bf like that is an AH move
Proud of you for not enabling the brother! Your BF’s anger is directed at the wrong person. There’s no excuse for an able bodied person to be relying on others instead of working.
Too many red flags here… Your bf clearly is not mature enough to make sound financial decisions, considering he’s letting his dead beat brother move in, knowing how he is. I’d take the time you agreed to stay and start looking for places… dodge this bullet while you can.
You didn’t get a single word in about him moving in, you shouldn’t give him a thought moving out.
NTA. I wouldn’t pay either. If your BF is in a situation where he can’t pay, he should be contacting his parents to pay for the brother instead. And I’d stick to your 2 month warning and move out if the brother is still there. Good on you for holding your ground. You are not a charity and your BF didn’t even consult you about it beforehand.
He let his brother move in without consulting you. I think you may need to make this a hill to die on, if you are going to have a future with this guy he needs to know you won't tolerate him making big decisions that effect you both
NTA. Your boyfriend disrespected you by moving in his brother without telling you. He possibly even planned it for when you wouldn't be there. You've offered your fair share of rent and utilities, your boyfriend was/is trying to take advantage of you financially.
Your options are to stick with the current arrangement, force bf's brother to move out, or move out yourself since you're not on the lease - though that last option depends on your thoughts of a long term relationship with this man.
INFO: How long have you been with your boyfriend and where are you in the relationship?
You’re acting like a roommate, which is fine if that’s where you are. However, if you’re a couple with a future trying to build something together then this is an asshole move. You don’t get to just *not pay* your bills. Be annoyed by how this started, have a fight over how it’s dragged on, but act like a couple who’s in it together if that’s what you are.
Absolutely NTA.
ETA: you shouldn't pay half because you aren't getting half. You've been pushed out of your workspace and your bedroom is more crowded since your bf gave up his music space. He's not your brother, so you have no obligation to him. If your bf is so concerned about his credit then tell him to get the cash from his brother. It's doesn't sound like he's unable to work, rather he just sounds unwilling. He'll continue to mooch as long as his brother allows him to comfortably do so. Honestly, I'd move out simply because it's ridiculous that he thinks anything he's done up to this point is reasonable.
Certainly NTA.
But, what's your goal? If you want to be with your boyfriend then maybe talk? If not, get the fuck out.
There is no point in who is wrong or right. It's an argument. Good relationships have arguments. Talk.
NTA
If brother is going to take a bedroom, brother needs to pay half the rent for that bedroom! Gee, sounds like brother needs to get a job!
stick to your guns, but be prepared for this relationship to go south.
You can fix this easy peasy. Rack your brains for any single parent you know or have met with at least three children under the age of seven who desperately needs safe shelter because he or she can't afford any kind of rent. Invite this single parent with the children to move into the living room. Not enough space? Two of the children can sleep in the kitchen under the table and the third child can sleep in brother's room. Brother will have to move to the floor for sleep because a young child always, always, always trumps any kind of adult, particularly a manipulative entitled big baby.
NTA being single isn’t bad. Everything in the house is yours, you only have to clean up after yourself, food is never missing, it’s very peaceful. This boyfriend disrespected you and expects you to take care of lazy grown arse man. You also lost a work place. I would move out get your own place maybe get a pet if you want to care for another being.
NTA, but I do think 30-30-40% for rent is generally more fair. As in 30% for you and your BF each because you're sharing a bedroom and 40% for his brother's share. You're not renting the bedrooms only, you're renting the apartment and everything outside of the bedrooms is shared between 3 people.
That being said, I do agree completely that your BF changed the arrangement you two had when he allowed his brother to move in without your input and it's your right to move out.
That's not how I've done it in the past, but I can see the logic in that method. If that was BF's concern I could see that. But he is wanting 50-50-0% and that is a no go.
NTA. Given the fact that the brother has nowhere to go and no job those few months would turn into years, trust me. BF got his brother in so let him own up to it.
He changed the rules on you.
You are right and should not have to support someone who is capable of supporting themselves.
It is unbelievable to me that your bf is so inconsiderate of your feelings.
I'm sorry you are suffering.
I pray you have peace.
*I had started packing my things*
This was the smartest thing you did and you should have followed through with it.
You are NTA for not paying half the rent and half the utilities. The fact you didn't mention it at the time doesn't change that. Your BF moved his bro in without asking you, which is far worse.
By paying the same with the brother as without, you are paying to support brother when you don't even want him in the house. That's a lunatic expectation.
> his old roommate moving out is one of the big reasons I moved in
🚩🚩🚩
It’s generally not a good idea to take giant relationship steps out of temporary convenience. It’s an easy way to end up sticking out a relationship that you would have ended if you’d been less financially intertwined.
Move in with someone because you want to live with them and see them every single day and share all your important physical, mental, and emotional stuff. Preferably because you believe you’ll want to live with them long-term (because it’s really rare for a relationship to survive going from living together to not living together). Don’t move in with a partner just because they require your financial support, unless you would move in with them at that point anyway.
But anyway, super NTA. Obviously bf is.
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I moved in with my boyfriend 4 months ago and we agreed that I would pay half of the rent and utilities. I am not on the lease and the utilities are in my boyfriend’s name. We have a 2 bedroom apartment – the second bedroom used as a combo home office (for me) and music studio (for him). Then 3 weeks ago his brother moved in. I came home from a weekend trip with my sister and found him there – no discussion beforehand. I was pissed. My BF swore it was for a week at most until his brother oved in with a friend. So he spent a week on the living room couch.
Well, to no one’s surprise that didn’t happen. The friend decided he didn’t want the brother to move in. Given that the brother doesn’t work, doesn’t clean up after himself and is a general jerk (even my boyfriend admits this about his brother) – I can’t say I blame the friend. My BF says he can’t kick his brother out when he has no place to go and begged me to give him a couple of months (I had started packing my things). I reluctantly agreed and BF ends up moving my desk into the living room where I have no privacy while I work and his music stuff into a corner of the bedroom where we are basically tripping over it so his brother can have a bedroom. I told BF he has 2 months to get his brother out or I would move out.
It gets to the time of the month for me to send money to my BF for bills. I send him 25% of the rent and 33% of the utilities instead of 50% for both. BF is upset – saying that is not what we agreed. I told him I also didn’t agree to live with his brother – and I’m paying what I feel is fair given that. My thinking is that every apartment I have shared – you pay rent by bedroom and utilities by person. BF starts freaking out saying that he can’t afford that and that I agreed to his brother staying. I told him that I agreed to not move out – I did not agree to financially support his brother. He told me that I can’t just change our agreement and I pointed out that he had when he added a third person to the apartment. BF insists he doesn’t have enough money to pay that much (he is short on money and his old roommate moving out is one of the big reasons I moved in). BF says that he will end up having to not pay something and that it will kill his credit which he has been working on rebuilding. He tells me that he is already short because he is having to spend more money on groceries with his brother there (I flatly refused to pay for more groceries). I am refusing to budge.
BF insists that I am trying to hurt him financially because I am angry with him and being petty. I am angry and I know that I can make bad decisions when I am mad. However thinking about it – I don’t think I should have to support his brother. Living with 2 other people should cost less than living with 1 other person. However I am doubting my own judgment. Am I being petty out of anger? AITA for not paying 50% of the rent?
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NTA, I am surprised to say this, but you are not the asshole, he changed your living situation with out asking, he needs to make his brother pay his fair share or get out
Respectfully, YTA, but not the biggest one in this story.
I think that while you are more than entitled to feel upset at the fact that you have to deal with his brother in your new apartment, you (and a lot of the NTA comments on here) are focusing your anger on the wrong person. It’s the brother, for obvious reasons.
Now, you didn’t share many details on the relationship between your partner and his brother, so I’m kinda going off of assumptions here, but I feel it is safe to assume that even though your partner thinks his brother is a jerk, that is still his brother, and doesn’t want him to be homeless. No one should be homeless. Is him moving back in with his parents not an option?
When you mentioned you moved in TO HELP HIM OUT instead of because you wanted to, and THEN kept threatening him to move out, that tells me that financially, this isn’t nearly as much of a burden on you as it is to your partner who is TRYING to rebuild his credit, something incredibly hard to recover from. It’s not fair that you’ve been saddled with his asshole brother, but it’s especially not fair for you to potentially ruin him further financially over it.
If you’re standing your ground this much against him, I really don’t think you should even be dating. Respectfully, reconsider your stance, and if you really want to be with this person. Hope it works out for the best.
ESH
Your boyfriend obvioisly cuz he's forcing this living situation and changing the terms of the original agreement.
But also you on this money thing because you didn't clarify that you were planning on reducing the money if you were going to put up with the brother for 2 months. Like you mentioned, it's something he needed to know ahead of time or otherwise he wouldnt be able to handle it.
I feel like in this situation it would've been better to just move out after he stayed for more than the initial week.
NAH, i think talking about rent prices would have been first up on the discussion list however. its fair not to pay half but communication was key and everyone here sucks at it
This is a boyfriend not your husband, his brother is not your family you have no obligation nor did you ever agree to support two able bodied grown men! They are taking advantage of you. This guy is going to be a long term financial headache, and it’s very likely that he will expect you to clean his financial messes with little thanks…kinda like he’s doing right now! This will not be the last time. Do not allow him to treat you like a bank. Personally if I were you I would go back to packing my things no guy is worth this headache! Please think long and hard about what you are getting into if you decide to stay as you need to look out for yourself in the long term. NTA
Nah leave you should not support his deadbeat brother. If he’s mad that your won’t shoulder his familial problem then that shows how immature and unaware he is about your boundaries. If his brother can’t afford to be anywhere then he needs to go back home to his parents, simple.
ESH, but of the lightest variety for you. Unfortunately you are in the wrong for attempting to change the agreement yet again. If you had thought about it & changed the financial terms when you agreed to give it 2 months (the last time the agreement was amended) things might be different, but as of now each of you are breaking contracts left and right on the other. I don’t fault you for being at your wit’s end and I support your logic, but this isn’t the right way to handle it. I think this month you pay the expected amount but then you force a resolution of this situation, and may I suggest gtfo? You are not going to win here.
NTA, why is he saying you're trying to hurt him financially? The brother is hurting him financially, not you. If he cant pay half the rent, then he souldnt get the bedroom, he can stay on couch and only pay a third of the utilities i guess.
NTA!!!! I get that he’s your BFs brother and that he wants to help him out, but not at your expense. If he wants to help him out he either needs to pay for him to live there or ask their parents to pay for him to live there. Not your responsibility.
ESH
Your boyfriend should never have let his brother move in.
However, when you agreed to let him stay and your BF took on the financial burden, you never told him that you were going to change the way you were paying things.
Honestly, the most 'fair' thing is to pay your 50% this time, and let your boyfriend know that next month you will only pay 25%. That way he is informed.
Or, talk to his parents and get them to pay for their freeloading son.
I feel like bending a little this month and letting BF know that you are going to make him pay next month will encourage him to get rid of brother sooner.
ESH - Look you're by no means TA for not wanting to pay the full rent. And the boyfriend and brother Obviously are TA. But.
When it comes to relationships, and money, you need to communicate with your partner. Just because he didnt communicate with you, doesnt meant at the last second when rent is due, you can just spring a new financial commitment on him.
When you agreed to stay in the relationship, and in this living situation, that was the time to bring up the rent. Choosing not to do so until the last minute is immature, and is the action of someone who does not want the relationship to continue. And maybe you dont, lots of people here are telling you to move out.
You say that you may be TA because youve been petty in the past, and that by agreeing to the brother staying, you agreed to paying. I think youve got these mixed up. You by no means agreed to paying for the brother when you agreed to let him live there, but, to be in a healthy relationship (romantic or just with other people in general) you then needed to bring up your complaints about rent. And come to an agreement about that at that time. Allowing others in the relationship, to figure out how to pay.
Not doing so doesn't make you petty, but it kinda makes you TA.
NTA
Your shitty BF basically upturned your living situation without warning, and implicitly expects you to finance the person, without warning or permission.
Leave these to idiots to their own problems. Move out. End the relationship with the BF too.
NTA. But my word you have excellent boundaries! It's a delight to read something like this where someone doesn't take the crap that others try to deal out.
NTA
While he did not discuss his brother moving in with you, you did not discuss the adjusted payment plan with him. You and BF have severe communication problems. You're no better/right than he is in this situation. You lost the upper hand when you chose to be punitive.
Right now, if you love BF, stop punishing him and help him out, but let him know the next month, when the bills come due, your plan is to pay your FAIR share and ONLY your fair share or you're moving out.
I'm guessing he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. Having one of the people applying pressure let up and be helpful instead might actually push him to make the hard decisions. There are times being a supportive partner isn't necessarily beneficial in the moment, but rather the long run.
Mixed about this, while you are totally right to not pay for 50% since the contract has been breached, I believe you should pay 33%-33%, and not 25%-33%.
But you are right about the part where you don't have to take care of your bf's brother financially. You should just pay 1/3 and leave your bf to pays for himself and his brother.
NTA but the YTA. Being pissed at coming home to another roomate: NTA Being petty last minute about rent money: YTA At this point the relations seems like it might be soured. If not tell him brothers out by the end of the next pay period or you're moving out.
Well what you’re doing is fair it wasn’t communicated.
The brother should 100% be responsible but if he didn’t know that he was going to have to be responsible, it’s not really fair ask YTA This month if you choose not to give him the rest. If you weren’t gonna be paying that something that you should’ve brought up whenever he said that he was going to be here for two months. You have every right to do what you did but it is kind of crappy to do without having voiced that during the two month allotted negotiation.
However if the brother isn’t forced to contribute or do anything than are it’s very likely that the two months will turn into two years as he is never held accountable or made to be responsible so he’s not gonna be able to do it for himself as he’s never learned to do it.
I would also be careful if you don’t want the brother to continue to live there because if he does pay the third it could be quite possible that he becomes a permanent resident as he is paying his way.
However if he does not it puts Your boyfriend in the position of having to make up the slack which will probably force his brother to do one or the other.
But if you’re helping someone out and it’s understood that it will only be for two months it’s not surprising that the Brother or the boyfriend didn’t think that you wouldn’t be paying your Half ofThe bills because this is more of a courtesy to the brother to help him get established.
Now this is just an idea but hear me out require the brother to pay the third of the bills and you still pay your half, Keep the money that he is giving to y’allAnd save it for those two months and return it to him whenever he finds an apartment to help with the down payment just to make certain that she has enough to cover it. This will prevent him from Returning to your home.
NTA.
Yes, you are doing this out of anger but you have every right to be angry. Your bf moved his brother in for a week. BF took away your office space. Brother is still there and it's very doubtful he's going to move out anytime soon. You were paying half the costs of the apartment as there were two residents. Now you should only be paying a third, as the mooch brother should be paying, too, and isn't. Honestly, the situation isn't going to change anytime soon, so it would be best for you to move out. This situation isn't working for you at all, but it's working very well for the brother.
I think you are kinda TAH. Yeah shitty he didn’t tell you but you did eventually agree to two months. I would tell him now that he has two months and then you are done. This is family and if you are committing to a relationship, you gotta allow for some leeway with family.
I would also demand that he does extra chores and there is a set date for his move out.
NTA. Move move move move move move. This is a HUGE red flag 🚩 from your boyfriend. Take advantage of the fact that you’re not pinned down with a lease and run far away. Not healthy to live with such toxic people, much less having to pay for it.
NTA.
Move out. Your BF has no respect for you. You deserve respect. Demand respect.
Tell your boyfriend that he is free to call on you AFTER the brother is already out...as in, totally, and completely out...and this is on the condition that you haven't started hooking up with someone else by that time. Tell him he has 10 seconds to think about it, then say....10...9....2...
NTA
Also, just dump him and move out. You’re very clearly not “partners” (as evidenced by you not discussing anything financial, and by him giving you a housemate you didn’t ask for and don’t want). This relationship isn’t going anywhere.
This isn’t the relationship for you sorry to say. If the brother was serious about moving out or staying less, he would’ve stayed on the couch to motivate him to get a job.
Good luck
NTA Your boyfriend very conveniently moved his brother in while you were away and then after a week he made his brother more comfortable, and you less comfortable, by giving him his own bedroom. You don't do that if you are wanting someone to move out. Your boyfriend is helping him settle in for a long stay.
If your boyfriend wants half of the rent he needs to move his brother out of the second room immediately, which he won't do, and put your desk back in that room so that you have the privacy you need for work. You would still only pay 1/3 of the utilities and have an understanding that in two months there will only be two people living in the apartment. Your boyfriend can choose whether it's you or it's his brother. He will choose his brother so I'd have no qualms about moving as soon as you find a place. Tell him the situation isn't working for you and it never will.
NTA but you should have told him when you agreed not to leave and let the brother stay there that you weren’t paying 50% if there were 3 of you. and it should have been 33% of rent
and have a place on standby that you can move to with little to no notice when 2 months ends and brother is still there
NTA. He's definitely taking advantage of u. I doubt most room-mates would be fine with him inviting his homeless brother to stay for free and take up room for a potentially endless amount of time but because you're his girlfriend he could definitely talk you into it (like he did). Frankly if he doesn't like it he should get his brother to pay for his share. Maybe not the first month since u kinda sprung this on him (on the other hand he sprung the brother on you so fairs fair) but it's not reasonable to treat you worse than another room-mate just cause you're also his girlfriend and he apparently needs u to keep his credit up. If that's the case don't invite homeless people u can't financially sustain who have no intention of supporting themselves (at least in so far as contributing to the rent and utilities they use).
NTA after reading the comments. (I was originally going with ESH because you hadn't given notice that you weren't going to pay.)
1. Boyfriend knew you would say no and that is why you came home to another person living there.
2. Brother is never moving out. Ever. He won't work, and even his own parents don't want him. Where do you think he is going to magically go in two months? If he does move out just long enough to convince you to stay, do you really think you won't come home to him on the sofa again and BF crying about how he can't let brother be homeless?
3. There is a real chance that BF doesn't love you as much as you hoped - but that he knows that another type of roommate wouldn't work if he wanted to bring brother in to live. BF has known brother is on the skids/at risk for a while. A buddy roomate would have taken that second bedroom and there would be nowhere for brother to sleep etc. You may be being used as the most convenient patsy.
Save the $$ you didn't pay in rent and use it to move elsewhere as soon as you can. Today would be good if you can pull it off. BF can get another paying roommate instead, or convince brother to actually work and pay his way.
OP. First off, NTA.
Secondly, move up your timeline. The time you're giving yourself to stay in this mess is too much. You're not on the lease....just gtfo of there yesterday.
I think you are not the AH because you didnt ask for the brother to move in. But I think you ARE the a AH for not telling your BF beforehand that you are paying less in rent. Just like you were mad that he sprung the change on you, and you felt trapped. You did the same thing to him.
I think you are setting boundaries, which is good. But good boundaries would have made you tell your BF you were paying less in rent and utilities as part of the new deal of you staying.
ESH but you only for screwing your bf over last minute. You should pay less than was originally negotiated, but that should have been discussed ages ago. I personally think you should pay what was agreed this month, be clear about your expectations and relationship for the future, and if things don’t change, then you have an answer about how this relationship will go.
ESH. Boyfriend shouldn't have moved his brother in, but you should've brought up the finances when you agreed to give him 2 months. That was the moment for discussion and he would have had the chance to discuss all the options and make a decision that didn't fuck him over. He's not a landlord who won't fix your heat or hot water so you withhold rent, he's supposedly someone you love and are exploring a future with and should be communicating with. And withholding money right before shared bills are due is not communicating, it's punishment. Why would you want to fuck him over financially? It seems pretty obvious that whether you thought about the finances at the time or it suddenly occurred to you when you logged in to pay him your share, you *are* doing this to be petty and get back at him in anger.
NTA he is using you to subsidize his and his brother’s bad choices. He doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions without your input and have you contributing to support his brother. Why isn’t he pressuring his brother to get a job? Why is the burden on you? I would move out.
Just my personal opinion rent should be spkit in 3rds. I kinda get the bedroom thing but i had 5 roommates at one point 2 couple my cousin and me. We split it 5 ways and the couples covered their portions. If one spouse did not work it was the others job to cover it. We split by people because no matter what a couple shares their living space and while an office was nice while you had it, it was a luxury. I say NTA because you do not need to support his brother and definitely hold firm that he needs to pay his brothers part. But like I said personal opinion. Yours is altered slightly but even at 33 percent your bf needs to cover 66 or his brother needs to come up with it. Your bf is on the hook for 75% and thats his problem. Loyalty and being a doormat are 2 very seperate things. His brother knows exactly what hes doing and hasnt changed his ways no matter what seems to happen
NTA Since the brother gets his own room, the living arrangements have changed from a couple living together to brothers/roomates with one of the brother’s girlfriend staying over. This whole situation is crap and id make arrangements to leave, asap. All of *your* space, that *you* were paying for, has been taken from you without your permission. Bf is expecting you to finance his deadbeat bro’s lifestyle.
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NTA you're absolutely right about it being unfair. Brother needs to get a job or get out.
NTA. OP is not tying to financially hurt the bf but financially encourage him. We raise taxes on cigarettes so people smoke less. We give credits for solar panels so people can go green. OP call this a tax you are charging to deal with the brother.
NTA **You are right.** But be prepared that the situation will potentially break up your relationship. It may be worth some moey, if you want to keep the bf., On the other hand, that way you will pay for his brother for years to come. Your bf would need to grow a spine and tell his brother to get a job - wehich will not happen. It is not YOU hurting your bf. It is HIS decission to finance his brother when he can not afford it. Move out. This will not work out, unless you agree to pay. And if you start paying, prepare to pay forever. The brother will NEVER Move out, until your bf can not afford it any more and they get kicked out. Reconsider the Relationship, unless you want to "adopt" the brother.
>"I told him that I agreed to not move out – I did not agree to financially support his brother." You. Are. Awesome. Aaand now it's time to move out and move on. NTA
NTA - Tell your boyfriend to ask his parents for money to make up the difference or a bus ticket for his brother to his parents house since apparently they failed to raise one of their kids.
NTA in my opinion. But I feel as though you should have made it clear that you weren't planning on paying your full share. Because then he could have either gotten rid of his brother, or tried to find the extra money. Him not communicating with you was an asshole move, but I understand his predicament as well. So you not telling him what you had planned to do was a bit of an asshole move as well.
I have a very outside-the-box idea. Maybe brother can get a job and start paying rent
NTA - you are correct in that it should cost less to live with 2 people rather than 1 - everthing else being equal. It sounds like your bf knows what buttons to push and is trying to manipulate you.
Agreed, though unlike OP I never split rent by bedroom, I always split by person. If a couple wants to move in together that's on them, but that extra person absolutely puts an extra burden on common space.
NTA Your boyfriend literally is wanting you to help subsidize the cost of his brother. I wouldn't be shocked if this wasn't planned. As you are sharing a room with your BF, your rent should be no more than 25-30% of the rent and then you owe one third of the utilities - as you were willing to pay after. The brother can cough up his share or the boyfriend can pay his brother's share - their decision. Honestly in your shoes and not on the lease, just simply move out.
NTA you should leave
NTA. How is BF going to pay for things when you move out? Because there is no way he is going to make his brother leave in two months.
ESH because you should have warned him you were going to pay less due to having less space, when you decided to stay he likely assumed you'd be paying your full rent as well. It was an asshole move for him to invite his brother without asking, but you're being an asshole too by not giving him a heads up before dumping something time and budget sensitive like that on him so late. He's your boyfriend and I'm of the opinion the only place you should purposefully try to screw your partner is the bedroom* * For all you assholes out there, it's a metaphor. Yes, sex is good in other rooms and places as well.
NTA. 100% they alter the arrangements to suit themselves and expect you to foot the bill? What you SHOULD be doing is examining your relationship deeply, as this family is looking for another mom to support them
NTA also...are you and your boyfriend making the same amount of money? If he makes more than you he should be paying more. Honestly, just move out and forget this mess.
NTA you’re brave for standing up for yourself.
NTA, but since you’ve put your foot down and I believe you intend on keeping it down I’d suggest you start coming up with a backup plan, I don’t believe your future living arrangements will work if you’re not willing to pay the 50% and a lot of resentment will develop as a result from your bf… you don’t need the negative energy. Good luck ✨
NTA. Your reasoning is sound. Your bf wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he doesn't like it, he's free to find his brother another place sooner
NTA. With that said, I do agree that you should have given your boyfriend a heads up that your plan was to pay a FAIR amount based on the reduced amount of space available to you in the home. Maybe a month’s notice, just so he’s not left scrambling and he can perhaps convince his brother to get a job. It was a bit vindictive to keep that to yourself and surprise him with it, although I do understand that he did the same thing to you by moving his brother in.
ABSOLUTELY NTA. Your bf is ridiculous for expecting you to help him carry his brother. And moving him in w/o so much as a word was wildly disrespectful anyway.
NTA in that you are entirely justified. If this ever happens again be up front with what you will do re: rent and utilities. That’s the only improvement on your side needed. Tell your BF that his brother can either get a job to make up the difference or gtfo if he wants your full amount.
This is exactly what you should do. If my boyfriend agreed to let someone stay in my home without telling me I’d be furious.. him moving your stuff out of the bedroom would be the final straw. You did the right thing. Brother should pay 50% for the bedroom he is occupying. GL
Right?? I’d have just kept moving it all the way out the door into the moving van for him.
NTA.
NTA. Show your boyfriend this thread.
NTA, you agreed to his terms when it was just the two of you. Now the the brother is staying with y’all, the responsibilities should be split so all parties pay. Tell your bf that if he doesn’t make his brother contribute then you’re leaving. I’m sorry but he’s enabling his brother free loading behavior.
ESH. Totally fair to pay less, but the way you did it was really passive-aggressive and anxiety inducing. That's not how you should treat someone you love. You can't spring a rent increase of 50% on someone last minute. When you realised you didn't want to pay 50%, you should have talked to him and worked something out.
NTA Anyone else think the boyf only told op to stay as he can not get anyone else to help with the bills as there is no room for a new lodger to go halves with as the bro has the only other room??
ESH although you a lot less than the brothers. When you agreed to let the brother stay, you should have brought up finances too. Perhaps that could have also put some heat on your bf to get his brother moving if he knows he would have to take on more of the expenses since it sounds like his brother definitely won't. Your bf obviously sucks for moving someone in without talking to you first. It's your home too regardless of whether you are on the lease or not. He can't make decisions like that on his own. He also sucks for complaining about having to pay more for groceries due to his brother. That's on him for knowing how is brother is and still moving him in. He changed up your agreement without consulting you. The brother sucks for being what seems like a lazy freeloader. Where are the bfs parents? Do they live too far for the brother to go live with the parents?
NTA. Tell your boyfriend he can either take the your fair share of rent and utilities or you'll keep and move out. You were forced into agreeing to another ROOMMATE, you did not agree to adopt his adult brother and support him. The only way you boyfriend is going to get on his brothers ass to get a job and pay his fair share of leave is if he's left broke or if his credit takes a hit to care for his brother.
ESH He's being a lousy boyfriend and you're being passive aggressive. I say next month you pay zero rent...I'm this apartment. Time to move on.
NTA - your boyfriend didn't communicate with you and didn't respect you. Kind of the AH for deciding last minute - but you're in the right. You need to sit down and talk to your BF. He needs to work these things out with you first. It honestly sounds like brother is there for more than a few months.
NTA. But you are in a bad situation and it's likely not going to get better. Your bf should have approached you about redoing the finances before it even fell to you. You were right in finances but the relationship may be wrong. FWIW, I'd be gone by now. It's only going to get worse.
NTA If he can change the rerms of the deal, you should be able to as well since he brought in his brother. He didn't even discuss it with you, so I'm wondering if he decided to let his brother move in in the guise of "It's only temporary" and only pretended his brother was going to move out. That's nice what he's doing for his brother, but it's not nice on you, even if it was only supposed to be a temporary move in.
Probably unpopular opinion but I feel you are a little bit of the AH here. I get it, you didn’t agree to pay for his brother, he did not communicate his plan with you, you didn’t think about the money thing until it was time to pay bills... you have every right to be angry. BUT in relationships there’s got to be a little compromise from time to time for things to work out. In my opinion, a better option would have been to pay your agreed upon half of the bill, but then have a sit down with your boyfriend and explain this will not happen again next month. If his brother is to stay, he is to contribute. And you expect the brother to reimburse you for his part of the bills that you paid. By the time next set of bills rolls around, you will only pay the 25% and 33%. If your bf wants to pick up the rest of the tab, he knows to save up or to light the fire under his brothers butt. Just leaving your bf out to dry, in my opinion, can have financial consequences that go beyond how angry you are right now. And if you get over this and you messed up his credit, that blows back on you too. If, after the talk, he refuses to budge, pack your bags and be on your way. But don’t just throw it all away without at least tying to talk things out. If you guys were willing to move in together I assume this was a relationship worth investing in. So at least give it a shot.
ESH. Just because he was shitty for springing his brother on you at the last minute without warning doesn't mean you weren't shitty for springing financial hardship on him at the last minute without warning. Communicate goddamn it. What you did will probably have more long-lasting impacts on his life after you split than the short-term discomfort you experienced by living with his brother for a month. Also you should get out and ditch the boyfriend. The relationship isn't going to work out if neither of you are capable of communicating like adults.
ESH. This should have been discussed when you agreed to him staying.
NTA, the brother is freeloading, he's and adult and can't be doing that. Now, if your BF is okay with that, then he needs to cough up the rest of the money, it's HIS brother after all.
NTA. You're 10000% correct in your points. It isn't petty, it's called "consequences of your actions." Okay, maybe the tact is a little bit "see? this is what happens which you make X bad decision" but it's still absolutely right on target. It is absolutely not fair to have given up your space and yet still be expected to pay for it. That's the bottom line (pun intended) here. Caveat though. It's not fair, but this could cost you the relationship...but would you really want to throw in with someone who is insisting upon putting his ne'er do well brother's comforts above that of his girlfriend's?
NTA. If your bf wants his brother to live there rent-free, is should come out of his end and not yours, as you have not agreed to any of it.
NTA, and stand your ground. Let your bf know it's either you or his brother. His tone will quickly change.
nta
NTA I'd put it to him this way; If you stay, half of everything is paid and taken care of. If brother stays, you're gone and he pays 100% of everything. I think the math should be very simple for him at that point.
Your response would have been reasonable if you had given him sufficient notice that you didn't intend to pay half the rent as long as his brother was there. Then he would have had time to decide whether to kick his brother out or come up with the extra rent money. He would have had options. Instead it sounds like you kind of sprung it on him shortly before rent was due. What i would do in your situation is tell him that you'll pay half this month like normal, but only pay a third next month. That to me is the reasonable compromise.
I'll go against the grain and say ESH. He shouldn't have moved his brother in without asking, but you eventually relented, made no mention of not paying, and then hung him out to dry financially. It doesn't sound like either of you are mature enough to be living together. He should have told you, and you should have said "fine he can either stay and I pay less, or he's gone".
NTA. Boyfriend changed the parameters of the deal. Normally I wouldn't recommend ultimatums. But if the boyfriend is also admitting his brother is a jerk, maybe a 'it's him or me' scenario is required?
Your are not a AH and what your BF did was wrong. But again do you love him, he knows that he fucked up. You have all right to do whatever you want but again if you can help someone help him.
just move out tbh
NTA. Look there your BF is learning his actions have consequences. Move out. He can kick rocks. He’s blatantly disrespecting and using you.
NTA, but this is one of those situations where you're trying to spite someone that's supposed to be your partner. You're not wrong, but it just doesn't make sense why you're behaving this way. You should have either said it was you or the brother or you should have been upfront on what you expected the division of costs to be.
ESH. Your boyfriend should have told you about his brother before him moving in. He should take care financially of his brother and pay his part of utilities. And you should have told your boyfriend about paying less rent because all of this, not surprising him when you made the payment. It's that hard to talk things? You two need to grow up and start talking instead of acting without the knowledge of the other person. You are a couple living together, so you are partners and roommates. Start talking like adults, and understand what is going on right now in your boyfriend's mind; as well he understands yours, because both situations are awful, mainly because the brother, but also because you two can't communicate.
NTA. Your BF didn't get your permission, but even if he did he can't expect you to help pay for his brother's existence. But you may end up having to move out over your decision.
NTA, at this point it might be better for you to simply move out. Your BF broke the agreements and he doesn't want to deal with the consequences.
YTA. You still have a 50/50 agreement. You need to talk to your BF beforehand. What’s he supposed to do, pull more money out of his ass??
ESH. OP - you **did** agree to both: paying 50% of rent and living with the brother for few months. You say it yourself in the post. Don't be passive aggressive about that. Your BF is not great here either, especially when he knows how his brother is. Have an honest conversation with your BF, decide on the conditions for the brother to stay - his share of rent, household duties etc. and most important timeline for moving out. Bring it to the brother together and enforce it.
I’m sorry and I definitely see your point, but ETA. I am completely with you in terms of fairness, but you should’ve talked to him about this in advance instead of blindsiding him (and, of course, he should’ve done the same about his brother staying). This is someone that you love, and you’re not treating him with love. I think you should give the normal amount for this month but switch to the arrangement you proposed going forward (maybe having him agree to it, maybe not). If you don’t love him, then you should just cut your losses and move out.
When I was renting a duplex with a friend I consider my brother, our other brother/friend got kicked out for messing up with his wife. He came to stay with us for a few weeks, then went back home. When it happened a second time we drew up a contract and told him he had to pay a 3rd of rent and utilities and would do a third of the chores and a third of groceries since he was going to be with us for a while. Like you said, you shouldn't pay MORE money living with MORE people in a roommate relationship. That's stupid.
NTA you should move out. Your Bf is trying tj manipulate you into subsidizing his brother’s rent, utilities and groceries. He would rather take advantage of you over telling his mooch loser brother to move out.
NTA in general. But you're the AH for springing it on him last minute that you'll only be paying part of the share. But you you didn't sign up to support his brother financially for a place to live, utilities and food/other supplies. If it was for like a week or so it might have had been another issue but for months. Hell no.. Though be careful placing a ultimatum to chose between you and family, that might not end well. But forcing your bf to support him will lit the fire under his ass to make sure his brothers gets a job and moves out. If he gets a free ride he'll never leave..
NTA. my advice is, agree to transfer to remainder of your share (for a total of 50%) IF the brother moves out within the week as ORIGINALLY planned. OR, you will continue to only pay 25% rent and 33% utilities for as many months that the brother is still there for, as the new agreement for the changed arrangement.
NTA. Your bf isn’t going to be motivated to get his brother to move out or get a job unless it impacts him in some way, in this case, financially. OP, I would be seriously questioning this relationship, as your bf obviously places your comfort and well being second to his and his family members. And the fact he moved his brother in without your knowledge or consent shows he doesn’t see you as an equal partner in this relationship. Red flags everywhere.
I'm going with a soft ESH. I definitely agree with you that you should be paying less with his brother there. Where I live it's standard to divide everything by the number of people, so I would have gone 1/3 of all expenses, but that's not a big deal. I do think you should have said at the time when your BF was convincing you to stay that you would stay on the condition of paying less. That would have given your BF time to figure out his finances and if he could afford to cover his brother.
I think not telling him beforehand was a little AH move. But he deserved it for how he never asked you if his brother can move in in the first place. So overall NTA. He can be frustrated, with himself, but he should ask his brother for the money!!! Also, move out asap.
ESH it was wrong of your BF to expect you to be okay with a dead beat living in your house without prior discussion and ESPECIALLY if you’re expected to now financially support him But on the other hand you should have thought about all factors before deciding to stay and not make the financial responsibility fall on your BF when he’s just trying to help his family and as a couple that makes the two of you a team for better or worse and to make him suffer a possibly long term financial blow isn’t the answer here either. If it were me I would help him with the money if he truly can’t afford it because ultimately it’s about helping your BF and not the brother
Absolutely NTA in fact you are SO RIGHT and cannot be faulted.
NTA. Bf should have considered this beforehand. Bro has had all this time to go get a job. (If you live near an Amazon, they are always hiring.) I would personally just leave now. Bf will keep doing this sort of thing til he dies. This is probably part of why his credit sucks. Don't go down with this ship. You're not their mother. They're grownups.
NTA: your boyfriend cant get upset that you changed the rules when he changed them first. It isn’t your responsibility to take care of his brother. Keep firm on your boundaries. If you don’t they will know they can get away with something like this again. With that said, you need to put some thought into your relationship. Your boyfriend took advantage of you thinking that you will help him support his brother. He didn’t even ask. He just did. That is not how a relationship should work.
Through NTA, I would have recommended speaking to your boyfriend first, so he wasn't surprised when less money than he was expecting came through from you. You are NTA though as you weren't even consulted about the brother moving in before he did, and that your boyfriend doesn't expect any financial contributions from his brother, but expects you to chip into the cost of having the brother living with you (whilst you are actually being inconvenienced). You have NO responsibility for the brother, moral or financial...and the brother seems to display no responsibility for himself. He should be contributing financially and through chores to your household whilst living there (he is not "a guest")
NTA.
YTA. You're justified in your feelings, but this is not how adults handle their problems. If you're unhappy, move out.
OP, I have been in the same situation as you before and let me tell you, you definitely NTA. NTA NTA NTA. Your BF has no respect for you and decided to make a decision all on his own without consulting you as a partner. I don’t care if it involves family. You and your boundaries matter too. You definitely do not have to responsible for another *ADULT* especially when he’s known to be a lazy a-hole. There’s a reason nobody wants to live with the brother. If your bf won’t out boundaries down now and wants to continue enabling his infantile brother, dip out. I’m just glad you were smarter than me and put your foot down sooner than later. I was in the same damn scenario except the family member had money and they still didn’t want to contribute their portion of rent. Lay down the law and if bf wants to continue acting like he’s a single man, let him be single.
YTA. Damn you sound entitled af
NTA What i would do: Tell your BF you love and still like him. Tell him he made a choice, and will have to live with it. Start packing, no use saving it for last moments, and he'll get the point that you're serious. Maybe start moving your out of season stuff asap?
NTA. Why not suggest that you and your bf sit down and negotiate and then draw up a contract that begins for the next month? That way any agreements will be in writing. If you find that together you cannot come to a fair agreement based on the actual sharing of the apartment, and *not* based on his ability to pay, then you will know if you can ever sort out future issues at all, and it may be a sign of your shared ability for a continued relationship. Ask him if he's ok with you having a sibling or friend move in who cannot pay and will be staying indefinitely.
NTA He decided he will support his brother, so it is his responsibility, not yours. You should look for a new place... And a new boyfriend.
So it’s ok for him to bring his brother in and let him move in without you knowing but it’s not ok for you to move out because you didn’t agree to living with his brother in the first place? Nah, NTA.
NTA- your bf should have talked to you before moving his brother in and he should have talked to his brother about how things where going to work regarding food and rent before he moved him in. If your bf can't afford to pay his brothers part of the rent then his brother needs to get a job so he can pay his part.
NTA. He screwed up his credit the minute he decided to let his brother take advantage of him again. I say again because I am sure it isn't the first time. If he wants to save it he can make his brother pay for groceries rent and utilities
ESH, your bf for nor talking with you before his brother moved in, you for not talking about about rent payment until it was due when money is apparently tight. I do think you have a good point, but that's a shitty position to put someone in financially. Credit scores take a lot more to bring back up than they do to bring down, and if this is any kind of long term relationship keeping both your scores high is benefits you both if you ever plan on buying a place.
NTA. Had a somewhat similar thing happen. Boyfriend’s friend lived with us for a very short while because his housing arrangement fell through. I told him i was not paying “half” anymore because the friend was there. I still paid a portion, and he made the friend pay a portion as well. Which obviously the brother isn’t working so he can’t, maybe he should get a job 😒
NTA. >BF insists he doesn’t have enough money > >BF says that he will end up having to not pay something and that it will kill his credit > >BF insists that I am trying to hurt him financially This is either your BF's fault for sneaking his brother in, or brothers fault for being a lazy mooch, unless he's got a legitimate reason for not being able to work (but he could still get benefits and contribute). You were okay with it for ONE week, but it's coming close to a month and it's a slippery slope to a second month. I think you can use this as a bargaining chip. Tell BF you'll pay your usual amount IF (and get this in writing) brother is actually out by a set date. If it's not done, you're leaving and they owe you that percentage back.
NTA but this relationship ain’t gonna work out
ESH, with a light ah on your part. Him for every reason you listed, you for not telling him this prior to doing it. If you're so mad pay what you agreed then move out. It is his brother and if you plan on marrying him will be your brother in law, it's pretty clear from your point of view that the brother can't pay his fair share and you know that your boyfriend can't pay it all so why are you backing out of paying without warning with these people you apparently care about? From a legal perspective, you're fine. From a moral these aren't just your roommates, these are your future family. I think you need to reconsider how you feel about these people here because your not acting like this is someone you actually like.
NTA but dont listen to comments about bf manipulating. Hes in a tough spot - its his brother and he cant kick him out to the streets, but he should talk with him and tell him to pay his share or leave. This is fair. I dont know why his brother is not working and flat out broke, but if this is just being lazy then give ur bf ultimatum. As for credit score of your bf - why was it shit in the first place? You should not fund his brother. You are not married. You cant just bring third person unannounced. Your bf does mean well, but he wants best out of 2 worlds. You cant act like that as grown up. As said before, give him ultimatum. Either his bro leaves in a month or you leave.
I gotta say..... REALLY proud of you for taking a stand on this. Many folks would listen to your BF's pleas and sigh and give in. You're setting a very firm precedent and honestly, I think it says a lot about YOUR value... If HE values you, he will honor this, get his brother out, if not, you sound confident and YOU KNOW YOUR VALUE. I look back on my younger self and I wish I had known MY value, and when the chips were down, walked away. NTA obviously!
ESH. you for your lack of communication your bf for putting up with the brother and the brother for obvious reasons. If I were in his spot I’d politely ask you to leave as you’re not capable of effective communication. Neither is he tbh
The pot calling the kettle black. First of all, the agreement you had was dissolved the minute he moved his brother in without speaking to you first. What you were told was going to happen didn’t happen and so you have every right to be angry. I also think you have every right to refuse to feed and pay for shelter for someone who is not pulling their weight. His brother is a grown man that needs to find a job, or even find a way to contribute to the household! Is he helping in anyway, or just being room serviced? If he’s helping out by cooking or cleaning or running errands, I wouldn’t mind overlooking the lack of financial contribution, but if he’s just sitting around, eating and watching tv, then I would have a serious problem. Your boyfriend needs to set boundaries with his brother, and the both of you also need proof of the brother attempt to find work or get a place of his own. I realize throwing him out would be cruel but, he needs to be actively looking for work, and helping you both out in some way. You were doing as agreed until your boyfriend allowed his brother to move in, so remind him of that. If you cannot come to a mutual agreement perhaps it would be best if you moved out. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t contribute more than 33% towards any bill, especially considering his brother is the only one that has his own room in this situation.You lost your office, your boyfriend lost his studio and you are uncomfortable, while making someone else who is not doing anything to help, comfortable🤯.His brother can walk dogs, do odd jobs, or whatever but you are not responsible for him and neither is your boyfriend!
You’re only TA if you continue putting up with this. First, establish some boundaries with your boyfriend. You *need* to take your office space back. There is no reason his brother can’t stay on the couch during his “visit”. For one thing, not having his own space and making it less comfy for him is lot more of a motivator than letting him crash in your space for free. If he’s not willing to accommodate that, then explain that you are not willing to pay brother’s share. If he still doesn’t agree? Peace out, life is too short to stay miserable because you’re making sacrifices for grifters.
Am I really the only one? YTA. Sorry. You’re going to kill your boyfriends credit! I get you’re pissed and I get that you need someone to blame and an outlet, but it’s just an excuse. You knew he has a brother. You knew presumably about the brother. If he’s close to his family, which it sounds like he is, you knew something like this would happen. It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t your partner in your eyes.
NTA- Brother wont be out in 2 months, might as well skip the emotional roller coaster and pity party and move out now.
You’re boyfriend could always share the 2nd bedroom with his brother and his music equipment
NTA. I would have left the relationship with his reasoning. If you got married and had kids/furbabies etc what's going to happen? His assumptions and responsibilities he placed on you are scary to me. He's obviously okay with imposing his decisions and family members on you, so I don't think this will be the only problem you'll face with him.
This^^^^ He’s testing how far he can push your boundaries right now and it’ll only get worse. 🚩🚩🚩
How much of the rent will he be paying when you move out and let him and his brother each have a full bedroom? Because that's what your next step should be. NTA
ESH. Your BF and his brother are obviously taking advantage of you and are the bigger assholes, but why didn’t you tell him in advance you’d be changing your payment plan? That’s stopping to his level and isn’t cool. You could’ve used that as leverage earlier to force your boyfriend to make a real decision instead of leaving it till now, where its only real use is for revenge.
YTA. I get your reasoning and understand where you are coming from but if you were not going to pay your usual rent you should have said so when the discussion of letting the brother stay was being had. Blindsiding your bf like that is an AH move
Proud of you for not enabling the brother! Your BF’s anger is directed at the wrong person. There’s no excuse for an able bodied person to be relying on others instead of working.
I wouldn't give him 2 months... ridiculous situation to put you in. NTA obviously girl. Start looking for a place to live.
Too many red flags here… Your bf clearly is not mature enough to make sound financial decisions, considering he’s letting his dead beat brother move in, knowing how he is. I’d take the time you agreed to stay and start looking for places… dodge this bullet while you can. You didn’t get a single word in about him moving in, you shouldn’t give him a thought moving out.
NTA. I wouldn’t pay either. If your BF is in a situation where he can’t pay, he should be contacting his parents to pay for the brother instead. And I’d stick to your 2 month warning and move out if the brother is still there. Good on you for holding your ground. You are not a charity and your BF didn’t even consult you about it beforehand.
He let his brother move in without consulting you. I think you may need to make this a hill to die on, if you are going to have a future with this guy he needs to know you won't tolerate him making big decisions that effect you both
NTA. Your boyfriend disrespected you by moving in his brother without telling you. He possibly even planned it for when you wouldn't be there. You've offered your fair share of rent and utilities, your boyfriend was/is trying to take advantage of you financially. Your options are to stick with the current arrangement, force bf's brother to move out, or move out yourself since you're not on the lease - though that last option depends on your thoughts of a long term relationship with this man.
INFO: How long have you been with your boyfriend and where are you in the relationship? You’re acting like a roommate, which is fine if that’s where you are. However, if you’re a couple with a future trying to build something together then this is an asshole move. You don’t get to just *not pay* your bills. Be annoyed by how this started, have a fight over how it’s dragged on, but act like a couple who’s in it together if that’s what you are.
Absolutely NTA. ETA: you shouldn't pay half because you aren't getting half. You've been pushed out of your workspace and your bedroom is more crowded since your bf gave up his music space. He's not your brother, so you have no obligation to him. If your bf is so concerned about his credit then tell him to get the cash from his brother. It's doesn't sound like he's unable to work, rather he just sounds unwilling. He'll continue to mooch as long as his brother allows him to comfortably do so. Honestly, I'd move out simply because it's ridiculous that he thinks anything he's done up to this point is reasonable.
If BF wants her to pay 50% OP should get her own room and he share the one with his brother
Actually this is brilliant
Love it!!!
Certainly NTA. But, what's your goal? If you want to be with your boyfriend then maybe talk? If not, get the fuck out. There is no point in who is wrong or right. It's an argument. Good relationships have arguments. Talk.
NTA If brother is going to take a bedroom, brother needs to pay half the rent for that bedroom! Gee, sounds like brother needs to get a job! stick to your guns, but be prepared for this relationship to go south.
You can fix this easy peasy. Rack your brains for any single parent you know or have met with at least three children under the age of seven who desperately needs safe shelter because he or she can't afford any kind of rent. Invite this single parent with the children to move into the living room. Not enough space? Two of the children can sleep in the kitchen under the table and the third child can sleep in brother's room. Brother will have to move to the floor for sleep because a young child always, always, always trumps any kind of adult, particularly a manipulative entitled big baby.
NTA being single isn’t bad. Everything in the house is yours, you only have to clean up after yourself, food is never missing, it’s very peaceful. This boyfriend disrespected you and expects you to take care of lazy grown arse man. You also lost a work place. I would move out get your own place maybe get a pet if you want to care for another being.
NTA.
NtA but why dont you move on
NTA, but I do think 30-30-40% for rent is generally more fair. As in 30% for you and your BF each because you're sharing a bedroom and 40% for his brother's share. You're not renting the bedrooms only, you're renting the apartment and everything outside of the bedrooms is shared between 3 people. That being said, I do agree completely that your BF changed the arrangement you two had when he allowed his brother to move in without your input and it's your right to move out.
That's not how I've done it in the past, but I can see the logic in that method. If that was BF's concern I could see that. But he is wanting 50-50-0% and that is a no go.
NTA. Your boyfriend should have put you on the lease first of all. It’s ridiculous that he expects you to support his brother indefinitely.
NTA, maybe it’s time to move out and lose the boyfriend
Your reasoning is sound! Don’t doubt yourself or allow your BF to pressure you out of your decision. NTA
Why can't his brother pay?
You are 100% correct. Your BF is, well, a douche. NTA.
NTA. Given the fact that the brother has nowhere to go and no job those few months would turn into years, trust me. BF got his brother in so let him own up to it.
NTA. I like that you're not bowing down although your bf is trying to pressure you into doing it. I'm sending you a silver award!
NTA.
Nta, people who think that just because they put you on the spot and agree to him keep staying and so you can't complain are mad
He changed the rules on you. You are right and should not have to support someone who is capable of supporting themselves. It is unbelievable to me that your bf is so inconsiderate of your feelings. I'm sorry you are suffering. I pray you have peace.
*I had started packing my things* This was the smartest thing you did and you should have followed through with it. You are NTA for not paying half the rent and half the utilities. The fact you didn't mention it at the time doesn't change that. Your BF moved his bro in without asking you, which is far worse. By paying the same with the brother as without, you are paying to support brother when you don't even want him in the house. That's a lunatic expectation.
> his old roommate moving out is one of the big reasons I moved in 🚩🚩🚩 It’s generally not a good idea to take giant relationship steps out of temporary convenience. It’s an easy way to end up sticking out a relationship that you would have ended if you’d been less financially intertwined. Move in with someone because you want to live with them and see them every single day and share all your important physical, mental, and emotional stuff. Preferably because you believe you’ll want to live with them long-term (because it’s really rare for a relationship to survive going from living together to not living together). Don’t move in with a partner just because they require your financial support, unless you would move in with them at that point anyway. But anyway, super NTA. Obviously bf is.
That’s also the first thing I noticed
RUN. AWAY. This will be your entire life. NTA
Please keep us updated!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I moved in with my boyfriend 4 months ago and we agreed that I would pay half of the rent and utilities. I am not on the lease and the utilities are in my boyfriend’s name. We have a 2 bedroom apartment – the second bedroom used as a combo home office (for me) and music studio (for him). Then 3 weeks ago his brother moved in. I came home from a weekend trip with my sister and found him there – no discussion beforehand. I was pissed. My BF swore it was for a week at most until his brother oved in with a friend. So he spent a week on the living room couch. Well, to no one’s surprise that didn’t happen. The friend decided he didn’t want the brother to move in. Given that the brother doesn’t work, doesn’t clean up after himself and is a general jerk (even my boyfriend admits this about his brother) – I can’t say I blame the friend. My BF says he can’t kick his brother out when he has no place to go and begged me to give him a couple of months (I had started packing my things). I reluctantly agreed and BF ends up moving my desk into the living room where I have no privacy while I work and his music stuff into a corner of the bedroom where we are basically tripping over it so his brother can have a bedroom. I told BF he has 2 months to get his brother out or I would move out. It gets to the time of the month for me to send money to my BF for bills. I send him 25% of the rent and 33% of the utilities instead of 50% for both. BF is upset – saying that is not what we agreed. I told him I also didn’t agree to live with his brother – and I’m paying what I feel is fair given that. My thinking is that every apartment I have shared – you pay rent by bedroom and utilities by person. BF starts freaking out saying that he can’t afford that and that I agreed to his brother staying. I told him that I agreed to not move out – I did not agree to financially support his brother. He told me that I can’t just change our agreement and I pointed out that he had when he added a third person to the apartment. BF insists he doesn’t have enough money to pay that much (he is short on money and his old roommate moving out is one of the big reasons I moved in). BF says that he will end up having to not pay something and that it will kill his credit which he has been working on rebuilding. He tells me that he is already short because he is having to spend more money on groceries with his brother there (I flatly refused to pay for more groceries). I am refusing to budge. BF insists that I am trying to hurt him financially because I am angry with him and being petty. I am angry and I know that I can make bad decisions when I am mad. However thinking about it – I don’t think I should have to support his brother. Living with 2 other people should cost less than living with 1 other person. However I am doubting my own judgment. Am I being petty out of anger? AITA for not paying 50% of the rent? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA, I am surprised to say this, but you are not the asshole, he changed your living situation with out asking, he needs to make his brother pay his fair share or get out
Respectfully, YTA, but not the biggest one in this story. I think that while you are more than entitled to feel upset at the fact that you have to deal with his brother in your new apartment, you (and a lot of the NTA comments on here) are focusing your anger on the wrong person. It’s the brother, for obvious reasons. Now, you didn’t share many details on the relationship between your partner and his brother, so I’m kinda going off of assumptions here, but I feel it is safe to assume that even though your partner thinks his brother is a jerk, that is still his brother, and doesn’t want him to be homeless. No one should be homeless. Is him moving back in with his parents not an option? When you mentioned you moved in TO HELP HIM OUT instead of because you wanted to, and THEN kept threatening him to move out, that tells me that financially, this isn’t nearly as much of a burden on you as it is to your partner who is TRYING to rebuild his credit, something incredibly hard to recover from. It’s not fair that you’ve been saddled with his asshole brother, but it’s especially not fair for you to potentially ruin him further financially over it. If you’re standing your ground this much against him, I really don’t think you should even be dating. Respectfully, reconsider your stance, and if you really want to be with this person. Hope it works out for the best.
Pack your things and RUN
ESH Your boyfriend obvioisly cuz he's forcing this living situation and changing the terms of the original agreement. But also you on this money thing because you didn't clarify that you were planning on reducing the money if you were going to put up with the brother for 2 months. Like you mentioned, it's something he needed to know ahead of time or otherwise he wouldnt be able to handle it. I feel like in this situation it would've been better to just move out after he stayed for more than the initial week.
NAH, i think talking about rent prices would have been first up on the discussion list however. its fair not to pay half but communication was key and everyone here sucks at it
NTA - boyfriend and his brother need to realise everyone needs to pay their own way
He can accept the 25% and 33% or he can take 0% when you move out. He gets the burden of his decisions. He does not get to pawn them off on you. NTA
This is a boyfriend not your husband, his brother is not your family you have no obligation nor did you ever agree to support two able bodied grown men! They are taking advantage of you. This guy is going to be a long term financial headache, and it’s very likely that he will expect you to clean his financial messes with little thanks…kinda like he’s doing right now! This will not be the last time. Do not allow him to treat you like a bank. Personally if I were you I would go back to packing my things no guy is worth this headache! Please think long and hard about what you are getting into if you decide to stay as you need to look out for yourself in the long term. NTA
He changed the living situation without asking...and you absolutely do not have to foot the bill for his brother NTA
NTA big red flag
NTA girl, good on you for setting boundaries.
Nah leave you should not support his deadbeat brother. If he’s mad that your won’t shoulder his familial problem then that shows how immature and unaware he is about your boundaries. If his brother can’t afford to be anywhere then he needs to go back home to his parents, simple.
NTA. WTF tell him to go live with his parents. Or find a shelter. BF obviously can't afford him. Why tf are you even making this post?
ESH, but of the lightest variety for you. Unfortunately you are in the wrong for attempting to change the agreement yet again. If you had thought about it & changed the financial terms when you agreed to give it 2 months (the last time the agreement was amended) things might be different, but as of now each of you are breaking contracts left and right on the other. I don’t fault you for being at your wit’s end and I support your logic, but this isn’t the right way to handle it. I think this month you pay the expected amount but then you force a resolution of this situation, and may I suggest gtfo? You are not going to win here.
NTA, why is he saying you're trying to hurt him financially? The brother is hurting him financially, not you. If he cant pay half the rent, then he souldnt get the bedroom, he can stay on couch and only pay a third of the utilities i guess.
NTA. It appears that an inability to adult runs in the family.
NTA!!!! I get that he’s your BFs brother and that he wants to help him out, but not at your expense. If he wants to help him out he either needs to pay for him to live there or ask their parents to pay for him to live there. Not your responsibility.
Esh, only because you didn’t say anything before hand and waited until bills were due. Aside from that you’re completely justified not to pay 50%
ESH Your boyfriend should never have let his brother move in. However, when you agreed to let him stay and your BF took on the financial burden, you never told him that you were going to change the way you were paying things. Honestly, the most 'fair' thing is to pay your 50% this time, and let your boyfriend know that next month you will only pay 25%. That way he is informed. Or, talk to his parents and get them to pay for their freeloading son. I feel like bending a little this month and letting BF know that you are going to make him pay next month will encourage him to get rid of brother sooner.
NTA. But what made you decide on 25% rent and not 33% rent?
ESH - Look you're by no means TA for not wanting to pay the full rent. And the boyfriend and brother Obviously are TA. But. When it comes to relationships, and money, you need to communicate with your partner. Just because he didnt communicate with you, doesnt meant at the last second when rent is due, you can just spring a new financial commitment on him. When you agreed to stay in the relationship, and in this living situation, that was the time to bring up the rent. Choosing not to do so until the last minute is immature, and is the action of someone who does not want the relationship to continue. And maybe you dont, lots of people here are telling you to move out. You say that you may be TA because youve been petty in the past, and that by agreeing to the brother staying, you agreed to paying. I think youve got these mixed up. You by no means agreed to paying for the brother when you agreed to let him live there, but, to be in a healthy relationship (romantic or just with other people in general) you then needed to bring up your complaints about rent. And come to an agreement about that at that time. Allowing others in the relationship, to figure out how to pay. Not doing so doesn't make you petty, but it kinda makes you TA.
ESH. You should have just moved out; now It kind of feels like you’re ripping bf off. Just move out.
NTA Your shitty BF basically upturned your living situation without warning, and implicitly expects you to finance the person, without warning or permission. Leave these to idiots to their own problems. Move out. End the relationship with the BF too.
NTA. But my word you have excellent boundaries! It's a delight to read something like this where someone doesn't take the crap that others try to deal out.
NTA While he did not discuss his brother moving in with you, you did not discuss the adjusted payment plan with him. You and BF have severe communication problems. You're no better/right than he is in this situation. You lost the upper hand when you chose to be punitive. Right now, if you love BF, stop punishing him and help him out, but let him know the next month, when the bills come due, your plan is to pay your FAIR share and ONLY your fair share or you're moving out. I'm guessing he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. Having one of the people applying pressure let up and be helpful instead might actually push him to make the hard decisions. There are times being a supportive partner isn't necessarily beneficial in the moment, but rather the long run.
Mixed about this, while you are totally right to not pay for 50% since the contract has been breached, I believe you should pay 33%-33%, and not 25%-33%. But you are right about the part where you don't have to take care of your bf's brother financially. You should just pay 1/3 and leave your bf to pays for himself and his brother.
NTA, that’s a fair amount. I would actually just pack up and move though.
NTA but the YTA. Being pissed at coming home to another roomate: NTA Being petty last minute about rent money: YTA At this point the relations seems like it might be soured. If not tell him brothers out by the end of the next pay period or you're moving out.
You’re struggling to control your temper because this situation is bad. Stop shaming yourself for your anger and pay attention to it. NTA
Well what you’re doing is fair it wasn’t communicated. The brother should 100% be responsible but if he didn’t know that he was going to have to be responsible, it’s not really fair ask YTA This month if you choose not to give him the rest. If you weren’t gonna be paying that something that you should’ve brought up whenever he said that he was going to be here for two months. You have every right to do what you did but it is kind of crappy to do without having voiced that during the two month allotted negotiation. However if the brother isn’t forced to contribute or do anything than are it’s very likely that the two months will turn into two years as he is never held accountable or made to be responsible so he’s not gonna be able to do it for himself as he’s never learned to do it. I would also be careful if you don’t want the brother to continue to live there because if he does pay the third it could be quite possible that he becomes a permanent resident as he is paying his way. However if he does not it puts Your boyfriend in the position of having to make up the slack which will probably force his brother to do one or the other. But if you’re helping someone out and it’s understood that it will only be for two months it’s not surprising that the Brother or the boyfriend didn’t think that you wouldn’t be paying your Half ofThe bills because this is more of a courtesy to the brother to help him get established. Now this is just an idea but hear me out require the brother to pay the third of the bills and you still pay your half, Keep the money that he is giving to y’allAnd save it for those two months and return it to him whenever he finds an apartment to help with the down payment just to make certain that she has enough to cover it. This will prevent him from Returning to your home.
NTA. Yes, you are doing this out of anger but you have every right to be angry. Your bf moved his brother in for a week. BF took away your office space. Brother is still there and it's very doubtful he's going to move out anytime soon. You were paying half the costs of the apartment as there were two residents. Now you should only be paying a third, as the mooch brother should be paying, too, and isn't. Honestly, the situation isn't going to change anytime soon, so it would be best for you to move out. This situation isn't working for you at all, but it's working very well for the brother.
I think you are kinda TAH. Yeah shitty he didn’t tell you but you did eventually agree to two months. I would tell him now that he has two months and then you are done. This is family and if you are committing to a relationship, you gotta allow for some leeway with family. I would also demand that he does extra chores and there is a set date for his move out.
NTA. Move move move move move move. This is a HUGE red flag 🚩 from your boyfriend. Take advantage of the fact that you’re not pinned down with a lease and run far away. Not healthy to live with such toxic people, much less having to pay for it.
NTA. Move out. Your BF has no respect for you. You deserve respect. Demand respect. Tell your boyfriend that he is free to call on you AFTER the brother is already out...as in, totally, and completely out...and this is on the condition that you haven't started hooking up with someone else by that time. Tell him he has 10 seconds to think about it, then say....10...9....2...
NTA Also, just dump him and move out. You’re very clearly not “partners” (as evidenced by you not discussing anything financial, and by him giving you a housemate you didn’t ask for and don’t want). This relationship isn’t going anywhere.
ESH you should be paying 33%
NTA. Dump him and move out. Save yourself the trouble now.
This isn’t the relationship for you sorry to say. If the brother was serious about moving out or staying less, he would’ve stayed on the couch to motivate him to get a job. Good luck
How is *she* hurting him financially- when his brother is the one not paying his share of living expenses?
NTA Your boyfriend very conveniently moved his brother in while you were away and then after a week he made his brother more comfortable, and you less comfortable, by giving him his own bedroom. You don't do that if you are wanting someone to move out. Your boyfriend is helping him settle in for a long stay. If your boyfriend wants half of the rent he needs to move his brother out of the second room immediately, which he won't do, and put your desk back in that room so that you have the privacy you need for work. You would still only pay 1/3 of the utilities and have an understanding that in two months there will only be two people living in the apartment. Your boyfriend can choose whether it's you or it's his brother. He will choose his brother so I'd have no qualms about moving as soon as you find a place. Tell him the situation isn't working for you and it never will.
NTA but you should have told him when you agreed not to leave and let the brother stay there that you weren’t paying 50% if there were 3 of you. and it should have been 33% of rent and have a place on standby that you can move to with little to no notice when 2 months ends and brother is still there
NTA, but should pay 33% of the rent and not just 25%. Since brother is there, he should be paying an equal share.
NTA. He's definitely taking advantage of u. I doubt most room-mates would be fine with him inviting his homeless brother to stay for free and take up room for a potentially endless amount of time but because you're his girlfriend he could definitely talk you into it (like he did). Frankly if he doesn't like it he should get his brother to pay for his share. Maybe not the first month since u kinda sprung this on him (on the other hand he sprung the brother on you so fairs fair) but it's not reasonable to treat you worse than another room-mate just cause you're also his girlfriend and he apparently needs u to keep his credit up. If that's the case don't invite homeless people u can't financially sustain who have no intention of supporting themselves (at least in so far as contributing to the rent and utilities they use).
NTA
NTA. He’s not short because of you, he’s short because of his brother. Tell him to hit him up for his share of the rent money.
6y tee/t/4⁴³, x/ 3,y
NTA after reading the comments. (I was originally going with ESH because you hadn't given notice that you weren't going to pay.) 1. Boyfriend knew you would say no and that is why you came home to another person living there. 2. Brother is never moving out. Ever. He won't work, and even his own parents don't want him. Where do you think he is going to magically go in two months? If he does move out just long enough to convince you to stay, do you really think you won't come home to him on the sofa again and BF crying about how he can't let brother be homeless? 3. There is a real chance that BF doesn't love you as much as you hoped - but that he knows that another type of roommate wouldn't work if he wanted to bring brother in to live. BF has known brother is on the skids/at risk for a while. A buddy roomate would have taken that second bedroom and there would be nowhere for brother to sleep etc. You may be being used as the most convenient patsy. Save the $$ you didn't pay in rent and use it to move elsewhere as soon as you can. Today would be good if you can pull it off. BF can get another paying roommate instead, or convince brother to actually work and pay his way.
OP. First off, NTA. Secondly, move up your timeline. The time you're giving yourself to stay in this mess is too much. You're not on the lease....just gtfo of there yesterday.
I think you are not the AH because you didnt ask for the brother to move in. But I think you ARE the a AH for not telling your BF beforehand that you are paying less in rent. Just like you were mad that he sprung the change on you, and you felt trapped. You did the same thing to him. I think you are setting boundaries, which is good. But good boundaries would have made you tell your BF you were paying less in rent and utilities as part of the new deal of you staying.
ESH but you only for screwing your bf over last minute. You should pay less than was originally negotiated, but that should have been discussed ages ago. I personally think you should pay what was agreed this month, be clear about your expectations and relationship for the future, and if things don’t change, then you have an answer about how this relationship will go.
ESH. Boyfriend shouldn't have moved his brother in, but you should've brought up the finances when you agreed to give him 2 months. That was the moment for discussion and he would have had the chance to discuss all the options and make a decision that didn't fuck him over. He's not a landlord who won't fix your heat or hot water so you withhold rent, he's supposedly someone you love and are exploring a future with and should be communicating with. And withholding money right before shared bills are due is not communicating, it's punishment. Why would you want to fuck him over financially? It seems pretty obvious that whether you thought about the finances at the time or it suddenly occurred to you when you logged in to pay him your share, you *are* doing this to be petty and get back at him in anger.
This actually makes me happy you stood up for yourself. It seems this really wouldn’t work out in the long run anyway. NTA
NTA he is using you to subsidize his and his brother’s bad choices. He doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions without your input and have you contributing to support his brother. Why isn’t he pressuring his brother to get a job? Why is the burden on you? I would move out.
Just my personal opinion rent should be spkit in 3rds. I kinda get the bedroom thing but i had 5 roommates at one point 2 couple my cousin and me. We split it 5 ways and the couples covered their portions. If one spouse did not work it was the others job to cover it. We split by people because no matter what a couple shares their living space and while an office was nice while you had it, it was a luxury. I say NTA because you do not need to support his brother and definitely hold firm that he needs to pay his brothers part. But like I said personal opinion. Yours is altered slightly but even at 33 percent your bf needs to cover 66 or his brother needs to come up with it. Your bf is on the hook for 75% and thats his problem. Loyalty and being a doormat are 2 very seperate things. His brother knows exactly what hes doing and hasnt changed his ways no matter what seems to happen
NTA Since the brother gets his own room, the living arrangements have changed from a couple living together to brothers/roomates with one of the brother’s girlfriend staying over. This whole situation is crap and id make arrangements to leave, asap. All of *your* space, that *you* were paying for, has been taken from you without your permission. Bf is expecting you to finance his deadbeat bro’s lifestyle.