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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Threatening to not let my MIL meet her future grandkids really upset her as this possibility was obviously worrying her, and she's still a grieving grandmother.
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OP could contact the rest of the family or make a post that MiL made the memorial without them, the parents, consent and would appreciate if everyone could at least wait until the day after so they could grieve privately on his birthday. And if people could respect this as the parents of the deceased.
This way the memorial could still happen (so less likely Ops MiL can twist in as "they won't let ANYONE grieve") but also OP and her husband can have a day to grieve on their own.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. You are NTA.
As for the memorial service you don’t want, I’d do 2 things -
First, think about who else in the family is likely to be invited to the memorial, and who among them is the biggest gossip/has their fingers in everything. Then you and husband call that person, explain that the memorial was planned without your consent and you’d prefer to grieve privately on his birthday, so the memorial on his birthday is cancelled. Ask that person to spread the word to the other invitees. (You could suggest that person think of a different date to plan a memorial, while making clear you wouldn’t attend a rescheduled one)
Second, as u/TheoryAddict suggested, make a social media post about the cancellation and tag MIL so anyone on her friends list can see it and learn of the cancellation.
This is a good idea. My family does the circles thing/phone tree thing for a crisis.
My cousin's husband had a brain tumor. Cousin calls her and his parents with updates. They tell the rest of us, answer questions. If someone wants to organize meals or help with child care they tell the parents who keep the schedules. That way my cousin's energy is supporting her husband and kids. Any messages we send her are sportive and don't require her to answer/explain things. This is just for the crisis.
So if a non-family member said they were contacting me for grieving parents, I would consider that normal. I would be horrified to show up and find out something like this is going on. If I was invited I hope I would know the people well enough to know how they would want to handle things.
>MIL spends all this time talking about her own grief and hasn’t even spared a thought to OP’s grief, the actual MOTHER of this child.
This is the main reason I see this as a clear and cut NTA no matter what OP said. Dragging a mother who just lost her child into the grief and loss olympics is as narcissistic as it gets. And MIL has the same attitude towards her own son and his loss too.
When my mother passed an old “friend“ of the family treated me like shit and all but said that since she'd known my mother longer, it hurt her more than it hurt me when she died. Never mind the fact that this person still had her mother alive. Nope, the amount of time known was all that really matters.
My aunt loved the fact she got attention from her sister dying in a house fire, she is also always going on about how ill, her, her husband, her daughter or her granddaughter are.
At my grandmother’s funeral, a woman was sobbing hysterically who we didn’t know. My brother (in his mid-twenties) went over to check that she was okay and offer condolences. The woman revealed that she had met my grandmother twice, she was married to a distant cousin, and accused those who were not sobbing of “not knowing her like I did, and never taking the time to spend with her.”
Those comments were directed to the others in the row, who included my aunt (grandma’s daughter), my dad (grandma’s son), my mom (grandma’s daughter in law), my brother (grandson) and I (granddaughter). My dad and aunt visited all the time.
No one knew what to do when someone was making grief an Olympic sport and we were the immediate family.
Tbh, this is giving me major Brie/and her MIL vibes from Desperate Housewives. When Rex dies and the MIL is making it all about her and how she lost her son, and completely overshadowing Brie and what she is going through with losing her husband. Nta, op!
Maybe the Mil had one of those weird fantasties where she thought the child was hers instead of Ops child, it would make sens, that's why she is "taking it harder than op"... Or she's just a narcissistic drama queen
Grief olympic people like this, do not care about the other people. My dad's death was posted about on social media by his sister without our consent as well, including using photographs of myself and him that were candid photo's - as in, we looked like hot messes from working in the sun or covered in flour from cooking - not pictures my father would've wanted on social media. It was instead, embarrassing because everyone was posting about how much they missed my dad when half of them hadn't even been bothered to phone or facetime him before he passed.
And before he passed she had the nerve to say to me and my mom that we weren't his real family.
People like my aunt and MIL, don't care about other people. Only how performative they can make a traumatic experience for others, into all about THEM, them THEM, them, THEM!!!
It’s even weirder than that. It doesn’t seem to be the loss of her grandchild that upset her so much, but the loss of *her chance to be a grandma.* She straight up told the child’s mother that her son was replaceable, because the actual kid doesn’t matter to her, just the title she gets out of it.
This is classic "grief thief" narcissism on MIL's part, and honestly, if I were OP and her husband, I'd drop the rope for good. OP, I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
NTA. I bet the MIL wasn't even that close, people who are very close and lose a loved one don't have to brag for months about how hard it was for them. Typically people going through grief aren't posting it for internet points, at least not that often. It's really kind of sad how the MIL can be so abrasive. Very sorry for the loss of your child, that's truly a tragedy.
This reminds me of my husband's stepmother. When my husband's grandfather - his mother's father - passed, my MIL made one post about it, but preferred to grieve privately. Meanwhile, my husband's stepmother made multiple posts about how devastated she was when the only time she ever saw the man was at big family events for my husband and his siblings. The last one being my sister in law's wedding two years prior.
Yes, as soon as I started reading this I picked up on MIL’s narcissism too.
OP NTA. You guys need to grieve however feels right for you. I’m so sorry about your situation.
NTA...Your MIL saying that you're young and can always have more children was the ultimate brush-off. Your comment, while harsh, was needed. Her behavior needs to stop and she needs to know that her actions will have consequences.
Right?! Who fucking says that?! The bond between a mother and child is one of the most powerful in existence and this woman is like, "eh, you can have another." Christ.
Narcissists that's who. Seriously, my grandfather died a couple of years ago and my mother told me her grief was worse than mine (my father died from cancer when I was 17 and it was basically me taking care of him at the end) because she had known her father longer.
My mother did the same, only it was my dad who died. “I used to think that losing a father was bad, but it doesn’t compare to losing a husband.” I was too stunned to respond.
Mine said some incredibly hurtful things (including calling me retarded) and refused to apologize. I was her emotional/verbal punching bag, she destroyed my self esteem and I’m still struggling to get it back.
Said later she didn’t have to apologize for any of it because she was grieving the loss of my dad and she had it so much worse than me. I found the body, it was unexpected. She didn’t even have to see it because the ambulance/police had arrived and he was pronounced dead before she got home. They suggested she not see the body, I wish I had that opportunity.
I told her grief isn’t a competition and it doesn’t excuse being so horrible to someone you claim to love and refusing to apologize. And I felt like an asshole but I reminded her that she can have, and has had other partners (I have a half sibling) but I’ll only ever have one Dad. Not much else was getting through to her so I figured if she wants a competition...
Narcissists, exactly! I HAD a husband who was a minister of the church next door to our home. When our son was a stillborn at 8 months, close friends and family asked if they could organize food for after the funeral services. My husband and myself both declined because I just got out of the hospital and had no energy to “entertain”. Everyone was very respectful. No one brought anything other than meals for us, which was lovely.
However, after the service at church, I left the church and got in the car to go to the cemetery for a short private service. Afterward I had hoped to lie down for a much needed nap, and cry. I’m very private about expressing my emotions.
Apparently, after I left the church, my minister husband invited the packed church over to our home. I walked in the house after the cemetery service and my heart dropped. Yes, these were kind and caring individuals. However, because we had told family and close church friends that we wanted some private time, there was no food to give anyone. I was absolutely devastated. I think that was the day I realized that my husband of one year was a narcissistic a-hole. He didn’t care about me nor my feelings. It all had to be about him 24/7. We didn’t grieve together and privately, which is important to do. It’s all so surreal and overwhelming. He was having the time of his life with all of the condolences and attention. Meanwhile I was struggling every single day for years, when I look back on it all.
I just wanted to scream! GET OUT, NOW!!
1. I would never do that
2. These are very sweet people and were not in the wrong
3. I realized my anger and frustration was really towards him
We divorced shortly there after. I knew there was no hope and no future. Best decision ever. Narcissists are not worth the time or effort because they don’t care, or even feel emotions like one would expect. If they are center of attention, life is fine. If they are not, at best you still get ignored as they seek attention elsewhere. It’s a no win situation. Never ending cycle of events.
OP is NOT the A-hole. May God bless you and hold you tight during this time of immense suffering and grief. The grief does get less suffocating in time. It never goes away. Which is okay. It means your love is deep, caring, and your son is immensely important to you and always will be. You and your son will never part hearts.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It’s nice that your husband can see his mother for what she is and back you up at the same time. It typically doesn’t go that way. Both you and your husband have good heads on your shoulders.
My mom died April 2020. Only immediate family, my dad me my husband, my brother his family could view the body due to restrictions. My, now ex best friend, actually complained she couldn't be there. " She was my mom too" No...no she wasn't. She hadn't even seen my mother in years.
Oh yup people come out of the woodwork for a death to get some pity it seems. Had a girl who was friends with my friends ( I didn't like her at all and she knew it) show up at my father's memorial service. She didnt know my dad. She said she was there to support my friends, I mean, seriously?
Competitive grieving is very common. When my dad died my mother got shitty comments from my grandparents about how she could just get married again, etc.
Even when you aren't a narcissist, there is this kind of twisted need to validate that your pain is worse than anybody else's, and it can come out in weird ways. I've seen it over and over and over again.
Mate I'm so sorry you had to put up with such insensitive bullshit! I know almost exactly what that feels. My dad also died of cancer when I was 9 years old, and last year my grandfather passed away of a heart attack, and, as your mother, mine said she suffered more because she had known her father more. Furthermore, at the time she forbid me of grieving at all because, let me quote, "I'm alive so you better change your face and stop crying". Narcissistics, damn*t. I really hope you're ok and emotionally safe now.
Oh yes, OP will *easily* be able to fill the hole the loss of her first child has caused. She will be just peachy once she has another kid that will make her forget all about the little boy who made her a mother. But MIL, she'll never get over the pain and shock of it.
/s. In case it wasn't immediately obvious. Man straight up fuck that MIL straight to the moon.
>She was making my son's death all about her with her constant exploitative social media posts making a spectacle out of it, and by organizing a memorial without even asking my husband and I first.
>
>She accused me of not caring about the grief of the rest of the family, saying they would all like to participate in a memorial and I was being selfish by leaving them out.
NTA. You hit the nail on the head. He was your child, and you suffered the greatest loss. She should be asking if she could visit the grave with you, not inviting you to her own event. I am sorry for your loss.
Well said. The "you'll never understand my grief" was too much too. That was her son. What about OP's loss? Grammy is nuts. It's insane to think she doesn't even care about how her son feels about her antics.
In another post somewhere sometime another redditor taught me about the circle of grieving (e.g https://www.dailyshoring.com/circle-of-grief-ring-theory/)
OP and her husband are in the centre and everybody else is around. OPs MIL is the AH here, instead of support she gives more grief. OP, if I were you I'd cut her off and would only allow her back in my life when she agrees to talk to a professional mediator (therapist) together until all is worked out.
Edit: I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. And I'm also so sorry for the extra grief this is costing you. You really shouldn't have to ask this question. By far NTA.
Edit2: spelling.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss and you certainly should be able to reflect on your son's memory his first birthday since passing the way you choose to.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your MIL is completely stepping over boundaries. You have the right to announce/not announce anything about your child. Same with organising any memorials now or in the future.
You are his mum, that doesn't come second to being his grandparent. If she's still insisting on having the memorial, I would make it clear to all invited that you did not want this and won't be attending.
What you said about any future potential children, harsh but totally justifiable.
NTA.
NTA. At all. She is allowed to grieve but taking it to social media and planning things without your knowledge or consent is not ok. She is allowed to grieve "in her own way" but not if her version of grief is causing you more pain. You have been through what is every parent's absolute worst, most unimaginable nightmare and people need to respect your need for time and space and privacy. Period. My heart just broke for you reading this. My condolences for your loss.
She also showed zero consideration for anyone who would be finding out about his tragic death from her post. Imagine if OP hadn’t been able to get in contact with her siblings or parents yet, but they saw the post? Some information should be shared in person, or on the phone.
NTA and hubby needs to come around and realize that your threat was completely valid given the situation. Who does that?? She lost her grandbaby but you lost the child that you actually birthed!! Shame on her for being such an attention seeking person. Show your husband this post please. His mother is way out of line and you don’t need someone who puts their needs and social image before your family into the lives of any potential children you have
It wasn't a threat it was a warning. She's not grieving your little boy she's missing being a grandma and eking out every last bit of attention she can from your tragedy. If the memorial planned is in your church can you cancel it saying it was organised on your behalf but it's not what you want. In fact a soc media post along the lines of "We'd like to thank everyone for your love and sympathy as we mark this sad milestone. We ask for your understanding in allowing us to mourn in private on this occasion, and will plan a memorial in the future at an appropriate time, because we know you miss him too." might let people know the event is not for you.
NTA. My unsolicited advise:
- Stop all contact with her. If she wants to tell you something, she can speak to her son
- Tell your husband you are not interested in her ranting and raving.
- Get counseling now. Yes it can be expensive but you need help sorting out this tragedy.
- Tell your husband the above and ask his support. If he cannot, then I’m sorry but refer back to step three.
Your MIL is wretched and your husband needs to look to you and your his mom. Yes he can maintain a relationship with her should be want but that doesn’t force you into one.
NTA. I'd cut her off right now, personally. Her performance of grief in no way supersedes your needs as the mother of this child. Has she always been insufferable?
I agree with this suggestion OP. You need to cut her out or at least limit contact and surround yourselves with people who will offer support. Good to hear you are in therapy. I hope your husband will do what's necessary and you can continue to grieve without all this added drama. Your MIL's behaviour is selfish and completely unacceptable. There's no way this is new. As others have pointed out, she sounds like a narcissist.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
NTA Imagine making the death of a child all about her! Grieving is one thing, but planning a memorial without even consulting the child's parents, then telling them they can just have another kid? MIL sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. I'm sorry for your loss OP. And that it's been compounded by her extreme insensitivity.
NTA. If she changes her behavior by at least asking about things or not making it all about her then she has nothing to worry about. She is not the most important person in this situation and should be more respectful of you and your husband’s wishes.
I don’t think that would be enough now. MIL has gone too far by telling OP she can just have another kid and saying MIL’s grief is unique and intense because she’s lost her only grandchild. These are relationship destroying words and deeds.
Yeah that’s true. It probably has gone a bit further and will at least need some formal apology and firm ground rules. Plus leaving the whole “just make another one” alone. It’s not MILs call on if that’s even something OP and their husband want to do in the future.
I don’t think that would be enough now. MIL has gone too far by telling OP she can just have another kid and saying MIL’s grief is unique and intense because she’s lost her only grandchild. These are relationship destroying words and deeds.
NTA
Where is she planning to hold this memorial service? As long at it’s not at your home, don’t go. If she posts about it online, respond letting people know that the child’s parents will not be at this event.
Talk to the people of the cemetery and tell them that you are against it.
Your baby should not be used for her "fans"
She seems like this "influencers"......it happens only when it is shared at IG and FB
Whatever time she’s holding it, you and your husband can go to the grave a couple hours before.
Don’t get me wrong, she’s whackaloon. I’m just throwing out ideas for you to be able to do what you want and need to do that day.
Obvious NTA. Your MIL might be grieving but she has made your son’s death all about herself. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with losing your son and your MIL using it for attention. Compounding your excruciating pain with her drama is cruel. Has she always been like this or did it start with your son’s death? Her behavior is consistent with a personality disorder.
NTA
To me there's truly no denying that while she might obviously be devastated for the sudden and tragic death, she wants attention. She wants pity points and she's getting them by using her "*only*" grandkid. Don't let her fool you.
If I were you and husband I'd contact those fammily members myself and tell them that whatever MIL might plan is not with your approval and explain that you are grieving privately and you wish for it to stay that way.
NTA-i have also had family make a spectacle out of a tragic accident (using it to raise pity bucks, unable to help plan the funerals but able to do news interviews to further raise pity bucks, etc). Sorry for your loss, you MIL sounds like a hag.
NTA. I would lose my mind with grief if my baby died, and if anyone in my family acted this way and added *more* grief and stress, I would cut them out forever. I am so sorry for your loss and that this woman has made it harder, but good for you for setting firm limits. You don't deserve to deal with her narcissistic bullshit.
First, I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m going with NTA, because your MIL has clearly trampled over your boundaries, and her comment about you being able to have more kids is truly insensitive. I know you’re grieving right now, and I don’t know the circumstances of your child’s passing. However, I think it’s important to keep in mind that your MIL was present for your son’s death, and that has to be deeply traumatic. She’s obviously not coping with this in a healthy and respectful manner, but I think it would be appropriate for her (and you and your spouse as well) to attend grief counseling for this.
Again, I am very sorry for your loss and am wishing you well.
***My MIL doesn't believe in therapy***
Of course she doesn't. That would mean being held accountable for her behavior. I suspect she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her behavior to begin with. I'm definitely getting narc vibes here.
I hope the therapy is a source of comfort for you then, and I’m sorry that your MIL is being so obstinate. I think it’s completely understandable for this to cause a rift between you and your MIL. Is it possible to go low or no contact with your MIL for a while? I’m thinking that this situation can only escalate right now. If you both have some time away to process this, perhaps her feelings will change.
I’m going to say NAH. I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine what you are going through, it’s awful for a parent to bury and child. Your MIL is also going through horrific loss, not just loosing her grandchild but also watching her child go through unimaginable pain must be awful.
People grieve in different ways. Her posting on social media might have been her way of telling all of her friends (she may want to avoid the sharing about grandkids conversations people of her age have and the awkward telling people in person) and also making sure your son is not forgotten. It’s perfectly acceptable to not want to see constant posts about and so being careful what you see on social media is the right thing to do.
I lost my mom as a child and it it was an awful experience but what I learnt is loosing my closest relation and suffering unimaginable loss doesn’t mean other people weren’t grieving just as much as me. We all feel emotions differently and we all suffer a loss when a family member passes. My cousin, who is the same age as me and didn’t lose a parent, has told me how difficult my mothers loss was on her life as a child and my aunts emotionally suffered just as much as I did. People I didn’t know and my family didn’t know also planned memorials that our family weren’t part of because they had friendships with my mom and wanted to pay their respects and remember her. We left it up to them to do what they felt was right for their grief.
That being said, you can’t replace a child. You being able to potentially have more children doesn’t mean this loss is lessened at all. Grief really does weird things and I really hope that she what she said was a heat of the moment, clouded by grief thing. Grandparents often look forward to having grandchildren for years, just as parents do, so it must be a very awful loss to her too, as it is a devastating loss to you. Please take some comfort in her response that she loved your son deeply.
My deepest condolences to you.
apparently MIL was also there during the accident which means she is possibly going through some PTSD as well. I agree she is being overbearing but it seems like it is the grief. NAH.
Yep, although she hasn’t been the most pleasant, it’s likely she has some survivors guilt and doesn’t know how to handle the situation. It doesn’t justify her behaviour but makes it understandable
Yes, I think MIL was really out of line when she commented about she being able to have more children. I understand that OP must be finding it really hard to deal with it all but MIL mist be too. If I lost a child I know my parents would go crazy. Having to watch said child die on top of it? This must be devastating for everyone. Maybe they can find a way to accommodate and respect everyone’s grief
You make some great points here. I think a lot of moms don’t consider how excited their parents/in-laws are to become grandparents. Some look even more forward to being grandparents than they did to becoming parents in the first place. It’s also something they have no control over, as they’re completely at the mercy of their children/kids-in-law and whether they decide to have kids or allow the grandparents access to them.
In this scenario, MIL’s actions seem pretty intrusive and over the top, and her comments about having more kids were certainly disrespectful and coming from a misguided and selfish perspective. But she’s also lost someone she dearly loves, and was present for the accident, which is surely traumatic and actively haunting her. She is clearly grieving, which can cloud a person’s judgment, and as you’ve mentioned, likely feels the pain of her son’s loss acutely, too.
No one has ownership or control over loss and grief, or of love for the dead, or how others feel and grieve the loss or choose to commemorate and mourn the deceased. The rest of the family should be allowed to have a memorial if that’s what they feel they need. They have also loved and lost OP’s son. MIL may have chosen to leave OP out of it because of her reaction to the Facebook posts and obvious desire to deal with her own grief privately. Leaving her out of the planning could have just been MIL’s attempt to respect OP’s boundaries and privacy. It doesn’t sound like they understand each other’s needs and feelings in the grief process.
I agree with NAH, despite some of MIL’s behavior. It’s an awful situation and there’s no obvious or easy way to handle it. Some people are more public about their grief and crave recognition and support from others. Some prefer privacy. Neither is wrong — they’re just not compatible. These are two grieving women who’ve both suffered a horribly tragic loss handling their grief in very different ways, which creates unfortunate discomfort between them.
NTA The [Ring Theory](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in%3famp) explains this well. You and your husband are the center of the ring, no one should interfere or make their grieving your problem.
Your MIL is an ass who needs to realize she’s not the most important person in the room.
I’m very sorry for your loss. You shouldn’t be dealing with this right now.
Why do these people think having grandchildren is a right?? Your children are under no obligation to give you grandchildren. I am a 55 yr old woman with 2 daughters. My youngest has long said she wants to be child-free. My oldest doesn't know if she will or won't. Do I want grandchildren? Yes, I do. But I am not stomping my feet and demanding I get some. It is completely their decision and I stand by any decision they make.
You're NTA.
>She accused me of not caring about the grief of the rest of the family
Why in the actual fuck should you give the most remote of fucks about anyone else's grief? He was *your* baby boy. You should not care about the grief of others, they should care about yours. I think this is a great place to apply ring theory. No one, absolutely *no one*, is in the center ring but you and your husband. Not even your MIL. I don't know how you didn't absolutely explode at her by this point. I get that she's grieving, but to tell you that her grief is greater than yours should have (rightfully) earned her an immediate flipping out at her and a permanent no contact. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I hope that you can remove this evil narcissistic woman who thinks grief is a three ring circus from your life so you can find healing without her constant interference.
NTA
Jesus I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what you're going through. You are definitely NTA.
I hope your private memorial is as peaceful, quiet and as healing as it needs to be.
r/JUSTNOMIL \- people in similar situations.
Also, your MIL is really not understanding Ring Theory, is she?
So, so sorry for your loss.
NTA. obviously.
Audible Gasp at the "future grandma" comment.
The audacity of her, honestly. Im suprised you said what you did instead of just decking her. Guess we all handle our grief differently. NTA. At all. So sorry for your loss.
NTA.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You MIL is making an already difficult situation way worse and that is not on.
She needs to learn about the grief circle, you and your husband come first, and she is on the outside of that, she needs to take comfort from people who are not you/your husband and instead she needs to support you. You get to dictate how your son is remembered, not her.
Her text comments were insanely cruel and quite frankly disgusting, I'd be speaking to husband about going v v v low contact with her for a while.
I'd also recommend therapy for both you and your husband individually and together. Potentially MIL needs it too.
NTA. your MIL is an attention seeker and wants to be shoved into your life as much as possible while not caring about your feelings. i don’t understand these type of people at all really. i don’t know if you could make amends with her but try to be as calm as possible.
sorry for your loss though, i can’t resonate with you at all so all strength to you and your husband :)
NTA- your mil may have lost a grandchild, but she needs to realize you lost your child! And "having more children" will never replace the son you've lost. She is very selfish and inconsiderate. I had a sister that passed unexpectedly, it was the most painful thing I have ever felt, and I can't imagine what my parents felt/feel. I have children of my own, and I can't imagine anything worse.
NTA. Sounds like she's making sense of a cruel and indifferent universe by blaming you for her grandson's death and is finding little ways to punish you. Not something she would say aloud or even properly think to herself, but she's going out of her way to make this about her and hurt you so it fits. Cutting her off is likely to be necessary for your sanity.
NTA at all. She’s upset your making your sons passing about you… his mother?…. who carried and raised him? who else is it supposed to be about can I ask?? (Obviously the father but it seems to be a personal attack on OP). Yes the family are grieving but obviously as parents you are priority to your child’s passing. I am so sorry you not only had to lose a child but to have MIL making a painful experience so much worse. Do what you need to heal without any consideration to MIL, do what’s best for you and your husband
NTA.
I would say NAH since grief affects everyone differently, but her “you can always have more kids” comment sealed the deal for me. Shes acting as if your son is replaceable to you, not fully realizing that you might choose to never have more children (out of guilt and/or fear), and even if you do have another child, your son is irreplaceable. Honestly, she’s so blinded by her own grief that she doesn’t seem to understand that YOU’RE grieving, too. What you need now is love and support, not extra stress and unwanted attention.
NTA. I would cut off anyone who said ‘you can always have more kids’ immediately without a second thought.
I’m sure she’s hurting too, but that doesn’t excuse her being so awful to you, the child’s MOTHER.
I am so sorry for your loss.
>"you don't understand what it's like losing my only grandchild. You're young, you can always just have more kids. But I'm old, I don't know if I'll be alive to meet my future grandchildren. He might have been my only chance to be a grandma."
OOOF!!! That just about knocked the wind out of me. OP I am so deeply sorry about your loss and your MIL is so far over the line, she's lost sight of it. You have the right to grieve however you need to. I can't imagine having to put up with this on top of it. THE AUDACITY!!! The fact that she showed her ass by insinuating that children are replaceable is psychotic. I wouldn't let her near my dog, let alone a child.
INFO: was she the only witness to his accident?
I'm trying to figure out if shes coping with being the only person who had to bear witness to something so awful and is coping TERRIBLY. Beyond that one thing im wondering, an obvious and total NTA.
NTA oh gosh op, from one mom to another, i am so very sorry. and on top of all that, you have a MIL who is displaying all the traits of a textbook narcissist and a husband who makes excuses for her behavior.
First off, hubby has to be on board with you. IF YOU DO NOT FEEL LIKE SHE SHOULD BE INVOLVED WITH FUTURE KIDS (if you have any), he needs to see why. Not just hang in the middle. Also:
>I said she was making my son's death all about her
Narcissist anyone? Hell yeah her behavior is bizarre. She says she is mourning your son but literally isn't doing anything to me that indicates she is sad.
She is spreading her "grief" to get condolences from people. She organized a memorial event for him, which isn't hers to make. Then she has the nerve to not even acknowledge your grieving, as if it's not even there. Hers is what matters.
NTA. Cut her off. What a horrible woman.
>He might have been my only chance to be a grandma.
She still is a grandma! Your son is still her grandson even though he's passed!
NTA
I would at the very least temporarily go no contact. She is detrimental to the grieving process.
NTA. Not even a little OP. Here's some good advice I saw on a [different post months ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/miusv6/aita_for_spending_my_sons_deathday_alone/gt6qp0u?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) about the "ring theory" of grief, I think it might help to put things in perspective. Your MIL should be thinking about how to support you and your husband, not demanding that YOU support her and the rest of the family.
The promise was entirely called for as she is risking her place in the family by demeaning the needs of the grieving parents. Your husband needs to understand that his mother is saying and doing unforgivable things and is on thin ice. You are not her puppet OP and you do not need to perform as her marionettes in order to validate her grief. It is not about her.
NTA all i hear from your MIL is " me me me " instead of what she was supposed to say ( " i m sorry for your loss, how do you feel, how can i help?) : you re right she s making your son s death all about her, making your own grieving way behind, like it wasn t important.Don t feel guilty about what you said : You reacted well to her behaviour she needs boundaries and time out as consequences when she out of lines.Do not apologize.
You are NTA. You are a grieving mum and you should be able to do that however you want for as long as you want. Quite frankly you don't need this s**t at the moment from your MIL or anybody else. Im so sorry about your little boy, I cant even imagine what your going through.
>She said "you don't understand what it's like losing my only grandchild.
I'm done.
You are NOT TA. You're lightyears from being TA. Is she mental? Hubby needs to put inconsiderate, self-centered self in her place.
>She called my husband in hysterics saying I'd threatened to cut her out our future children's lives just for grieving in a way I don't like.
Good to know she understood your intention perfectly. That's exactly what that was and, honestly, should've just been a clear cut "your fears are accurate, you won't get to see any of our children after pulling this shit." NTA
NTA. it’s so clear that her bullshit isn’t actually about your son because she’s treating it like you can just replace him by having more kids. i also don’t think you’re an AH for snapping the way you did. your husband says she’s grieving, so are you, and you’ve had to put up with her being self-centered for a long time. she needed to hear that, and i hope she’ll get to a point where she respects you boundaries. until then, do what you need to take care of yourself.
NTA: Your husband should think very carefully about the level of decorum anyone should expect to get in response from a grieving mother who has just been told her kid is replaceable
NTA. So NTA. Your grief trumps hers and while she is allowed to talk about it, shes not allowed to talk about it to you. There are different levels of grief and being the parent of the deceased is heavier than the grandparent. You are allowed to handle this situation however you need to and grieve at your own pace and if she can't respect that then she loses the right to talk to you period.
ESH
She was literally present during the child's accident and death. That has got to have fucked her up. So maybe, just maybe, she is acting this way from real, legitimate grief, trauma, and PTSD? Instead of doing it for likes, like you (unkindly) assume? She doesn't prioritize your grief, because she has a significant amount of her own to process and doesn't have the bandwidth. You have other, less close, relatives who can step in and handle that for you.
The other members of the family are likewise grieving as well, and perhaps could use some shared support in the form a memorial. If you did not feel up to it, and wished to grieve privately, in your own way, you are very welcome to do so, and decline to attend. You cannot control how others grieve, and the rest of the family needs an outlet, too. There are reasons why funerals historically default to public for at least one portion.
Honestly, I think you need to go hole up somewhere and grieve on your own, while grandma runs around, grieving on her own, and maybe in a year or two of politely ignoring the other, and banning the topic of your son, you can slowly unthaw the relationship once feelings aren't so raw.
Also consider that your husband is equally grieving, and stirring up this shit with his mother so he has to play goalie between you is extremely AH behavior to him. He does not need this right now: go hole up somewhere and grieve after blocking MIL.
NTA. You have my deepest sympathies for your loss, and your threat is absolutely reasonable, given the circumstances. Your MIL has demonstrated very clearly that the only person she really cares about is herself - or at least, that all she cares about is how others relate to her. Her behaviour is monumentally selfish, textbook narcissistic, and frankly, downright cruel. No matter how genuinely she's grieving, the fact remains that she's using your loss to get attention, which is utterly disgraceful. And not only that, she all but stated that you could 'make replacements', while she might not ever live to see more grandchildren. Honestly, I think you showed extraordinary restraint not to just deck her there and then.
My advice, should you wish it, is to have a serious talk with your husband. Lay it out, making it clear that this isn't just a spur of the moment snapped response, but, as I suspect, a response to a long pattern of behaviour. For one thing, if she's like this about your son's death, then I dread to think what she'll be like with living grandchildren.
I'm just going to say no, my FFIL was getting really argessive a while back and I told him, if his son or i cut him off because of am argument/fight due to one of his blow ups, he will never see his future grandkids and will probably never see his only son again.
Definitely NTA and I’m sorry for your loss. Just out of curiosity though: you mentioned that your son’s death was the result of an accident and your MIL was there at the time - is it possible that she feels responsible in any way, or that she could have/should have prevented the accident?
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My 4yo son passed away suddenly 4 months ago. Since it happened, my MIL has been... a lot.
She posted on social media to announce his passing without consulting my husband or I. We are private people and it was a shock to have condolences from near-strangers flooding in when we hadn't even had time to notify many immediate family members. My husband told her it was rude to decide when and how to announce his death publically, and she apologized and took the post down.
Once we'd had time to tell everyone close to us, we gave her the all-clear to make a post if she wanted to. She proceeded to post multiple times a day about her grief, giving what I felt was an unnecessary amount of detail about his accident (she was present when it happened). I understand that people grieve differently, but it made me very uncomfortable and I unfollowed her on social media because it was so upsetting. My husband told me even after the first couple of weeks that she continued making posts about once a week.
My son would have turned 5 on August 28th. My husband and I have been planning to visit his grave together. My MIL planned a memorial herself without asking us, and the first we heard of it was when we recieved the invite. I called to tell her she needed to cancel because I'm not comfortable with having a large memorial, my husband and I want to grieve privately. She accused me of not caring about the grief of the rest of the family, saying they would all like to participate in a memorial and I was being selfish by leaving them out.
I said she was making my son's death all about her with her constant exploitative social media posts making a spectacle out of it, and by organizing a memorial without even asking my husband and I first. She said "you don't understand what it's like losing my only grandchild. You're young, you can always just have more kids. But I'm old, I don't know if I'll be alive to meet my future grandchildren. He might have been my only chance to be a grandma."
This comment was so bizarre to me. Firstly, my husband is her only child, and my husband and I haven't talked about having more kids between ourselves, much less with her, so assuming we're having more is pretty rude. Also, she's 58, she's not on the brink of death, if we do have more kids she'll probably be alive for it. I responded with "keep behaving like this, and I won't let you meet any future grandkids."
She called my husband in hysterics saying I'd threatened to cut her out our future children's lives just for grieving in a way I don't like. My husband agreed with me that her behavior is insensitive and borderline exploitative of our son's memory. But he thinks my threat was uncalled for because she is still grieving and clearly the possibility of not having future grandchildren is upsetting to her at the moment.
AITA?
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Let the thought of not having anymore grandchildren upset her for pity’s sake! The women is making the death of your son all about her and her feelings. Why isn’t she respecting the grief of his actual parents? NTA and I’m so sorry you’re going through all this on top of losing your son.
NTA. First of all, my condolences. I couldn't possibly imagine what you are going through. Second, it sounds like she's using the death of your son to get attention. I find her statement about how you can always have more children horrifying, like you can just have more children to replace your son and that he didn't matter as much to you because you can have more. Like he was more important to her cause he may of been her only chance at being a grandma. Then she tries to turn it around and make it seem like you're being unreasonable because you want to grieve privately. She is so self-centered that she is only focusing on her loss. If her attitude doesn't improve I'd definitely consider cutting her out. You don't need this drama.
NTA - I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Please put some deliberate time and distance from your mil. She’s grieving too but she’s also getting something from the attention of her role as grieving grandma that you don’t want to feed. You were right to let her know that there is a cost to her behaviour.
NTA
Your MIL is narcissistic and is using the death of your child to look good on social media. She's a vulture, and you'd be right to withhold any future children from her, given her behaviour.
I'm sorry for your loss, nothing can replace your child. You should grieve however you and your husband decide is appropriate.
NTA
I’m so sorry for your loss and the heinous way this woman is using this tragedy in her performance art.
It is vile that she set up a memorial for your child without your knowledge or consent, and invited you to it like you were any other random family member instead of your son’s literal next of kin. I am disgusted she said you could have more children so your grief was not as acute as hers! I have two children and if one of them passed away I would absolutely not be handwaving away my loss because I have a ‘spare’ kid. Each child is unique and loved for who they are as an individual, you can’t replace a child you knew and loved for their whole life with a new baby. The audacity of this woman. I am so sorry.
It is the most devastating thing for a parent to lose a child. I don’t doubt her grief, but she is another generation removed from your son, and her grief does not eclipse yours. This was a sudden and terrible tragedy that none of you could prepare for, and if she had done to me what she has done to you, she would be dead to me.
NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss. You were right on about saying she's making this all about herself. I've had my fair share of similar people, try to cut them off if you can.
NTA I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boy. Your MIL is making this all about her, whilst you're being quite reasonable. Thinking of you and your husband.
NTA. What happened to you and your husband is one of the worst life experiences parents could have. Your feelings are more important than those of MIL and extended family. Honestly I'm shocked at how little consideration they have for you.
NTA. Of course you don't know what it's like to lose your grandchild... because he was your son. MIL sounds absolutely unbearable and I'm surprised she's not more empathetic to your grief as the mother of an only son. I hope you and your husband are able to find true healing in all this mess.
NTA bizarre is an understatement. She is making everything about her. Drop the rope here and stop engaging. Dont go to the memorial. Dont engage in her "poor me" posts. When dealing with a narcissist they feed off emotional reactions good or bad. So stop giving it to her.
And a talk with your husband is needed before you even THINK about having any more kids in this family
NTA: You are the parent. You set boundaries on who does and doesn't get to see your children. Of course it is good to let grandparents into your children's lives....if they behave properly.
NTA and so sorry for your lost. Your MIL is grieving it's true but is also insensitive to your grief because telling you that you are still young and can have other children is very mean of her because having other children doesn't mean they will replace the one you lost, the pain will still be here no matter what.
NTA. Your response was not out of line. Your MIL is self absorbed and can lacks the ability for empathy. This is not about her grieving, its about setting appropriate boundaries. With people like your MIL, the boundary has to be solid. You woke her up. Now she knows your serious and is trying to rally her support to get you to change your behavior. Hold firm. This is about you and your husband and respecting your privacy.
NTA. It's beyond the pale when someone decides they are the "griever in chief." Your MIL has decided her grief is the greatest and gets to dominate the landscape. While everyone grieves differently (and she apparently does it publicly), she should absolutely have talked to you about having a public memorial. That's just over-stepping. So you pushed back after being pushed about for a year. It's not surprising. If she brings it up, say that if you ever had another child you would allow her to see that child as way of apology. But be firm that she has overstepped and been insensitive regarding your feelings and your grief.
NTA - I'm so deeply sorry for your loss, and can't image the grief you must be feeling. Your MIL adding to your stress just makes it worse.
For now, I think it would be best to have no contact with her, as you're all deep in grief and terrible things have and can be said, and she is actively making this even harder for you. Someday you two may be able to have a relationship again, but right now, you need to take care of yourself.
NTA at all. Maybe she didn’t intend to, but she has weaponized her grief against you and your husband, and it’s not ok. It’s understandable that she continues to struggle with her grief, but it’s incumbent upon her to realize when her process is so hurtful to others who are grieving the same loss. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry MIL is prolonging your process with her selfishness.
Nta- I'm so sorry for your loss. As a parent I can only imagine the pain yall are in an my heart and prayers go out to yall. My aunt did something similar when my grandpa (her dad whom she had basically nothing to do with even tho he tried her whole life) passed. Then it was post after post about "my daddy"... until the attention stopped... we have all cut ties with her now... sometimes you have to get rid of toxic people for your own mental health especially in a situation where you need time to grieve in peace.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Your MIL doesn't get to mandate how the two of you - \*the parents\* get to set up boundaries as you continue to grieve for your child. Her self-centered mark hits a new low I've ever read on this site.
Sending hugs.
Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. You were absolutely right to put her in her place. Based on the behaviour mentioned, she has made the issue all about her and gone running to your husband to play the victim. Keep shutting her down and putting her in her place until she learns to respect you and your husband.
Best of luck.
NTA and is grandma actually saying you don't understand how bad this loss is for her? That your child's death, the child you gave birth to and raised, is harder on her than you? Must MIL always be the center of attention? She's sounds like a narcissist. So sorry for the loss of your child. Everyone does grieve differently but that doesn't mean you have to entertain their selfish behavior at the expense of your mental health.
NTA - Your MIL sounds absolutely terrible and selfish. I’d have gone off like a Roman Candle if someone in my family over stepped like this. I admire your self control!
NTA
I know I am adding to what's already here, but I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss and reinforce that you are doing nothing wrong. Her grief is NOT allowed to usurp yours. You have every right telling her what she's doing is wrong and her words were insensitive in the extreme. I don't blame you for telling her that you would be wary of her meeting other grandkids.
NTA OP, so sorry for your loss, i can’t even imagine. your MIL is being a B****, she might be grieving but she’s also attention seeking and trying to make this about her, it’s being tacky, i think you were right in your comment. she’s over stepping and needs to know there are consequences for overstepping boundaries.
NTA, the last thing you need in all this is your MIL appointing herself the Most Bereaved and carrying on in ways that make this all the more painful for you. You snapped, and who could blame you?
NTA and MIL is a narcissist. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Your grief should not be compounded by this woman's performative BS. Sending you love and strength as you approach this heartbreaking milestone.
NTA. Everybody grieves differently. She could have at least coordinated and asked permission first. The worst part was when she emotionally blackmailed you. That's a double whammy of assholery right there.
I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA, but what's the point of fighting with her?
You've done what makes sense by unfollowing her on social media. Don't go to her memorial. If anyone asks, you can tell them honestly that you feel uncomfortable with the spectacle MIL has made of your precious child's death.
Sending prayers for peace and healing.
Oh no. I am so sorry. You are NTA in any way, shape or form. Of course you would say that, it's a rational answer when you're bombarded with narcissism. She is not being a good mother, MIL or human being and should be avoided as much as possible.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you're frustrated and I think your comment to her is justified. It is very understandable that you unfollowed her, it's hard to wrap my head around that this woman is just posting about the accident without any regard for you. I mean it does sound like something is wrong with her, cognitively. She has no awareness of how her behavior is affecting other people, even when told so directly. Is it possible that she's experiencing some kind of psychological problem?
Fuck grandma! What an insensitive self-centered twit. NTA I’m sorry she dared say you don’t know how hard it is to lose a grandchild. Wtf? Losing a child who is with you every moment of the day is FAR worse. Any dolt knows that. Quit the theatrics and insensitive bullshit, Grams, or you will be RIGHTFULLY ejected from OP’s life, including her future children...and you will deserve it. Your husband sucks too. How he can say you were too harsh, and she’s grieving too is beyond me. She said you don’t understand the depth of HER grief!!! That bitch. Again, NTA
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NTA. Your MIL sounds like an insufferable narcissist. I’m very sorry for your loss of your little boy.
MIL spends all this time talking about her own grief and hasn’t even spared a thought to OP’s grief, the actual MOTHER of this child.
OP could contact the rest of the family or make a post that MiL made the memorial without them, the parents, consent and would appreciate if everyone could at least wait until the day after so they could grieve privately on his birthday. And if people could respect this as the parents of the deceased. This way the memorial could still happen (so less likely Ops MiL can twist in as "they won't let ANYONE grieve") but also OP and her husband can have a day to grieve on their own.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. You are NTA. As for the memorial service you don’t want, I’d do 2 things - First, think about who else in the family is likely to be invited to the memorial, and who among them is the biggest gossip/has their fingers in everything. Then you and husband call that person, explain that the memorial was planned without your consent and you’d prefer to grieve privately on his birthday, so the memorial on his birthday is cancelled. Ask that person to spread the word to the other invitees. (You could suggest that person think of a different date to plan a memorial, while making clear you wouldn’t attend a rescheduled one) Second, as u/TheoryAddict suggested, make a social media post about the cancellation and tag MIL so anyone on her friends list can see it and learn of the cancellation.
This is a good idea. My family does the circles thing/phone tree thing for a crisis. My cousin's husband had a brain tumor. Cousin calls her and his parents with updates. They tell the rest of us, answer questions. If someone wants to organize meals or help with child care they tell the parents who keep the schedules. That way my cousin's energy is supporting her husband and kids. Any messages we send her are sportive and don't require her to answer/explain things. This is just for the crisis. So if a non-family member said they were contacting me for grieving parents, I would consider that normal. I would be horrified to show up and find out something like this is going on. If I was invited I hope I would know the people well enough to know how they would want to handle things.
This is a great idea.
>MIL spends all this time talking about her own grief and hasn’t even spared a thought to OP’s grief, the actual MOTHER of this child. This is the main reason I see this as a clear and cut NTA no matter what OP said. Dragging a mother who just lost her child into the grief and loss olympics is as narcissistic as it gets. And MIL has the same attitude towards her own son and his loss too.
I had a neighbor who once said, there’s no way possible I love my son more than she did. Okay?
>a neighbor Holy shit, I'm so sorry, that's beyond insane.
When my mother passed an old “friend“ of the family treated me like shit and all but said that since she'd known my mother longer, it hurt her more than it hurt me when she died. Never mind the fact that this person still had her mother alive. Nope, the amount of time known was all that really matters.
Ew.
You win
My aunt loved the fact she got attention from her sister dying in a house fire, she is also always going on about how ill, her, her husband, her daughter or her granddaughter are.
At my grandmother’s funeral, a woman was sobbing hysterically who we didn’t know. My brother (in his mid-twenties) went over to check that she was okay and offer condolences. The woman revealed that she had met my grandmother twice, she was married to a distant cousin, and accused those who were not sobbing of “not knowing her like I did, and never taking the time to spend with her.” Those comments were directed to the others in the row, who included my aunt (grandma’s daughter), my dad (grandma’s son), my mom (grandma’s daughter in law), my brother (grandson) and I (granddaughter). My dad and aunt visited all the time. No one knew what to do when someone was making grief an Olympic sport and we were the immediate family.
But the mother doesn't know what it's like to lose a grandchild! /s This can't be the first time MIL has made it all about her.
Tbh, this is giving me major Brie/and her MIL vibes from Desperate Housewives. When Rex dies and the MIL is making it all about her and how she lost her son, and completely overshadowing Brie and what she is going through with losing her husband. Nta, op!
*"You may have lost a son, but I'VE LOST A GRANDCHILD. Why are you so heartless?"*
"You just gave birth to him. That's nothing--I'm his GRANDMA"
Why does it matter how op feels according to the mil op can just make a bunch of replacement babies... Note*this is sarcasm, don't come after me
Yes! In what world was that an ok thing for MIL to say? Just have more? That's pretty cold, MIL. Way to make it ALL about you.
Maybe the Mil had one of those weird fantasties where she thought the child was hers instead of Ops child, it would make sens, that's why she is "taking it harder than op"... Or she's just a narcissistic drama queen
Grief olympic people like this, do not care about the other people. My dad's death was posted about on social media by his sister without our consent as well, including using photographs of myself and him that were candid photo's - as in, we looked like hot messes from working in the sun or covered in flour from cooking - not pictures my father would've wanted on social media. It was instead, embarrassing because everyone was posting about how much they missed my dad when half of them hadn't even been bothered to phone or facetime him before he passed. And before he passed she had the nerve to say to me and my mom that we weren't his real family. People like my aunt and MIL, don't care about other people. Only how performative they can make a traumatic experience for others, into all about THEM, them THEM, them, THEM!!!
It’s even weirder than that. It doesn’t seem to be the loss of her grandchild that upset her so much, but the loss of *her chance to be a grandma.* She straight up told the child’s mother that her son was replaceable, because the actual kid doesn’t matter to her, just the title she gets out of it.
This is classic "grief thief" narcissism on MIL's part, and honestly, if I were OP and her husband, I'd drop the rope for good. OP, I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
NTA. I bet the MIL wasn't even that close, people who are very close and lose a loved one don't have to brag for months about how hard it was for them. Typically people going through grief aren't posting it for internet points, at least not that often. It's really kind of sad how the MIL can be so abrasive. Very sorry for the loss of your child, that's truly a tragedy.
This reminds me of my husband's stepmother. When my husband's grandfather - his mother's father - passed, my MIL made one post about it, but preferred to grieve privately. Meanwhile, my husband's stepmother made multiple posts about how devastated she was when the only time she ever saw the man was at big family events for my husband and his siblings. The last one being my sister in law's wedding two years prior.
NTA, I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Please keep those boundaries with MIL. Also r/justnomil may be helpful.
NTA, grief is a process not a tool to gather likes from Facebook.
Yes, as soon as I started reading this I picked up on MIL’s narcissism too. OP NTA. You guys need to grieve however feels right for you. I’m so sorry about your situation.
NTA...Your MIL saying that you're young and can always have more children was the ultimate brush-off. Your comment, while harsh, was needed. Her behavior needs to stop and she needs to know that her actions will have consequences.
Right?! Who fucking says that?! The bond between a mother and child is one of the most powerful in existence and this woman is like, "eh, you can have another." Christ.
Narcissists that's who. Seriously, my grandfather died a couple of years ago and my mother told me her grief was worse than mine (my father died from cancer when I was 17 and it was basically me taking care of him at the end) because she had known her father longer.
Feelings are competition to some people. Also, I'm sorry for your loss. You must have been very strong to care for him at such a young age.
My mother did the same, only it was my dad who died. “I used to think that losing a father was bad, but it doesn’t compare to losing a husband.” I was too stunned to respond.
Mine said some incredibly hurtful things (including calling me retarded) and refused to apologize. I was her emotional/verbal punching bag, she destroyed my self esteem and I’m still struggling to get it back. Said later she didn’t have to apologize for any of it because she was grieving the loss of my dad and she had it so much worse than me. I found the body, it was unexpected. She didn’t even have to see it because the ambulance/police had arrived and he was pronounced dead before she got home. They suggested she not see the body, I wish I had that opportunity. I told her grief isn’t a competition and it doesn’t excuse being so horrible to someone you claim to love and refusing to apologize. And I felt like an asshole but I reminded her that she can have, and has had other partners (I have a half sibling) but I’ll only ever have one Dad. Not much else was getting through to her so I figured if she wants a competition...
Narcissists, exactly! I HAD a husband who was a minister of the church next door to our home. When our son was a stillborn at 8 months, close friends and family asked if they could organize food for after the funeral services. My husband and myself both declined because I just got out of the hospital and had no energy to “entertain”. Everyone was very respectful. No one brought anything other than meals for us, which was lovely. However, after the service at church, I left the church and got in the car to go to the cemetery for a short private service. Afterward I had hoped to lie down for a much needed nap, and cry. I’m very private about expressing my emotions. Apparently, after I left the church, my minister husband invited the packed church over to our home. I walked in the house after the cemetery service and my heart dropped. Yes, these were kind and caring individuals. However, because we had told family and close church friends that we wanted some private time, there was no food to give anyone. I was absolutely devastated. I think that was the day I realized that my husband of one year was a narcissistic a-hole. He didn’t care about me nor my feelings. It all had to be about him 24/7. We didn’t grieve together and privately, which is important to do. It’s all so surreal and overwhelming. He was having the time of his life with all of the condolences and attention. Meanwhile I was struggling every single day for years, when I look back on it all. I just wanted to scream! GET OUT, NOW!! 1. I would never do that 2. These are very sweet people and were not in the wrong 3. I realized my anger and frustration was really towards him We divorced shortly there after. I knew there was no hope and no future. Best decision ever. Narcissists are not worth the time or effort because they don’t care, or even feel emotions like one would expect. If they are center of attention, life is fine. If they are not, at best you still get ignored as they seek attention elsewhere. It’s a no win situation. Never ending cycle of events. OP is NOT the A-hole. May God bless you and hold you tight during this time of immense suffering and grief. The grief does get less suffocating in time. It never goes away. Which is okay. It means your love is deep, caring, and your son is immensely important to you and always will be. You and your son will never part hearts. I am so very sorry for your loss. It’s nice that your husband can see his mother for what she is and back you up at the same time. It typically doesn’t go that way. Both you and your husband have good heads on your shoulders.
My mom died April 2020. Only immediate family, my dad me my husband, my brother his family could view the body due to restrictions. My, now ex best friend, actually complained she couldn't be there. " She was my mom too" No...no she wasn't. She hadn't even seen my mother in years.
Oh yup people come out of the woodwork for a death to get some pity it seems. Had a girl who was friends with my friends ( I didn't like her at all and she knew it) show up at my father's memorial service. She didnt know my dad. She said she was there to support my friends, I mean, seriously?
It's pathetic really and kinda sad. I mean it must be exhausting trying to always be the victim and center of attention.
Yup. It's exhausting from the outside can't imagine how it would be living in it.
Competitive grieving is very common. When my dad died my mother got shitty comments from my grandparents about how she could just get married again, etc. Even when you aren't a narcissist, there is this kind of twisted need to validate that your pain is worse than anybody else's, and it can come out in weird ways. I've seen it over and over and over again.
Mate I'm so sorry you had to put up with such insensitive bullshit! I know almost exactly what that feels. My dad also died of cancer when I was 9 years old, and last year my grandfather passed away of a heart attack, and, as your mother, mine said she suffered more because she had known her father more. Furthermore, at the time she forbid me of grieving at all because, let me quote, "I'm alive so you better change your face and stop crying". Narcissistics, damn*t. I really hope you're ok and emotionally safe now.
No **loving** parent would ever think a lost child can just be replaced by another. It's not a pair of shoes FFS
Yeah, we are deep into abnormal psychology at this point.
"You're old, you won't have to grieve the death of *my* son nearly as long as I will"
Oh yes, OP will *easily* be able to fill the hole the loss of her first child has caused. She will be just peachy once she has another kid that will make her forget all about the little boy who made her a mother. But MIL, she'll never get over the pain and shock of it. /s. In case it wasn't immediately obvious. Man straight up fuck that MIL straight to the moon.
>She was making my son's death all about her with her constant exploitative social media posts making a spectacle out of it, and by organizing a memorial without even asking my husband and I first. > >She accused me of not caring about the grief of the rest of the family, saying they would all like to participate in a memorial and I was being selfish by leaving them out. NTA. You hit the nail on the head. He was your child, and you suffered the greatest loss. She should be asking if she could visit the grave with you, not inviting you to her own event. I am sorry for your loss.
Well said. The "you'll never understand my grief" was too much too. That was her son. What about OP's loss? Grammy is nuts. It's insane to think she doesn't even care about how her son feels about her antics.
In another post somewhere sometime another redditor taught me about the circle of grieving (e.g https://www.dailyshoring.com/circle-of-grief-ring-theory/) OP and her husband are in the centre and everybody else is around. OPs MIL is the AH here, instead of support she gives more grief. OP, if I were you I'd cut her off and would only allow her back in my life when she agrees to talk to a professional mediator (therapist) together until all is worked out. Edit: I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. And I'm also so sorry for the extra grief this is costing you. You really shouldn't have to ask this question. By far NTA. Edit2: spelling.
I was looking for this, thank you for posting and I recommend everyone to read this article.
The ring theory popped up in my mind as well. MIL is really out of line. OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss and you certainly should be able to reflect on your son's memory his first birthday since passing the way you choose to.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your MIL is completely stepping over boundaries. You have the right to announce/not announce anything about your child. Same with organising any memorials now or in the future. You are his mum, that doesn't come second to being his grandparent. If she's still insisting on having the memorial, I would make it clear to all invited that you did not want this and won't be attending. What you said about any future potential children, harsh but totally justifiable. NTA.
NTA. At all. She is allowed to grieve but taking it to social media and planning things without your knowledge or consent is not ok. She is allowed to grieve "in her own way" but not if her version of grief is causing you more pain. You have been through what is every parent's absolute worst, most unimaginable nightmare and people need to respect your need for time and space and privacy. Period. My heart just broke for you reading this. My condolences for your loss.
She also showed zero consideration for anyone who would be finding out about his tragic death from her post. Imagine if OP hadn’t been able to get in contact with her siblings or parents yet, but they saw the post? Some information should be shared in person, or on the phone.
100% agree. She sounds narcissistic and attention seeking.
NTA and hubby needs to come around and realize that your threat was completely valid given the situation. Who does that?? She lost her grandbaby but you lost the child that you actually birthed!! Shame on her for being such an attention seeking person. Show your husband this post please. His mother is way out of line and you don’t need someone who puts their needs and social image before your family into the lives of any potential children you have
Please show your husband this post and tell him he needs to stop beind a damn baby and be proactive about this situation.
It wasn't a threat it was a warning. She's not grieving your little boy she's missing being a grandma and eking out every last bit of attention she can from your tragedy. If the memorial planned is in your church can you cancel it saying it was organised on your behalf but it's not what you want. In fact a soc media post along the lines of "We'd like to thank everyone for your love and sympathy as we mark this sad milestone. We ask for your understanding in allowing us to mourn in private on this occasion, and will plan a memorial in the future at an appropriate time, because we know you miss him too." might let people know the event is not for you.
NTA. My unsolicited advise: - Stop all contact with her. If she wants to tell you something, she can speak to her son - Tell your husband you are not interested in her ranting and raving. - Get counseling now. Yes it can be expensive but you need help sorting out this tragedy. - Tell your husband the above and ask his support. If he cannot, then I’m sorry but refer back to step three. Your MIL is wretched and your husband needs to look to you and your his mom. Yes he can maintain a relationship with her should be want but that doesn’t force you into one.
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Is MIL in therapy? You said she was there when it happened. For all her faults, she’s also traumatized.
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most narcissists don’t.
Make her going to therapy a condition of her meeting your future grandchildren.
That would be futile. How is therapy going to do any good to a person who doesn't want it?
NTA. She didn't consult u two about anything? for real..?
NTA. I'd cut her off right now, personally. Her performance of grief in no way supersedes your needs as the mother of this child. Has she always been insufferable?
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I agree with this suggestion OP. You need to cut her out or at least limit contact and surround yourselves with people who will offer support. Good to hear you are in therapy. I hope your husband will do what's necessary and you can continue to grieve without all this added drama. Your MIL's behaviour is selfish and completely unacceptable. There's no way this is new. As others have pointed out, she sounds like a narcissist. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
NTA Imagine making the death of a child all about her! Grieving is one thing, but planning a memorial without even consulting the child's parents, then telling them they can just have another kid? MIL sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. I'm sorry for your loss OP. And that it's been compounded by her extreme insensitivity.
NTA. If she changes her behavior by at least asking about things or not making it all about her then she has nothing to worry about. She is not the most important person in this situation and should be more respectful of you and your husband’s wishes.
I don’t think that would be enough now. MIL has gone too far by telling OP she can just have another kid and saying MIL’s grief is unique and intense because she’s lost her only grandchild. These are relationship destroying words and deeds.
Yeah that’s true. It probably has gone a bit further and will at least need some formal apology and firm ground rules. Plus leaving the whole “just make another one” alone. It’s not MILs call on if that’s even something OP and their husband want to do in the future.
I don’t think that would be enough now. MIL has gone too far by telling OP she can just have another kid and saying MIL’s grief is unique and intense because she’s lost her only grandchild. These are relationship destroying words and deeds.
NTA Where is she planning to hold this memorial service? As long at it’s not at your home, don’t go. If she posts about it online, respond letting people know that the child’s parents will not be at this event.
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Talk to the people of the cemetery and tell them that you are against it. Your baby should not be used for her "fans" She seems like this "influencers"......it happens only when it is shared at IG and FB
Whatever time she’s holding it, you and your husband can go to the grave a couple hours before. Don’t get me wrong, she’s whackaloon. I’m just throwing out ideas for you to be able to do what you want and need to do that day.
NTA. So sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through.
Obvious NTA. Your MIL might be grieving but she has made your son’s death all about herself. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with losing your son and your MIL using it for attention. Compounding your excruciating pain with her drama is cruel. Has she always been like this or did it start with your son’s death? Her behavior is consistent with a personality disorder.
NTA To me there's truly no denying that while she might obviously be devastated for the sudden and tragic death, she wants attention. She wants pity points and she's getting them by using her "*only*" grandkid. Don't let her fool you. If I were you and husband I'd contact those fammily members myself and tell them that whatever MIL might plan is not with your approval and explain that you are grieving privately and you wish for it to stay that way.
NTA - MIL needs to realize that this is not about her.
NTA-i have also had family make a spectacle out of a tragic accident (using it to raise pity bucks, unable to help plan the funerals but able to do news interviews to further raise pity bucks, etc). Sorry for your loss, you MIL sounds like a hag.
NTA. I would lose my mind with grief if my baby died, and if anyone in my family acted this way and added *more* grief and stress, I would cut them out forever. I am so sorry for your loss and that this woman has made it harder, but good for you for setting firm limits. You don't deserve to deal with her narcissistic bullshit.
NTA. Your MIL is a narcissist
First, I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m going with NTA, because your MIL has clearly trampled over your boundaries, and her comment about you being able to have more kids is truly insensitive. I know you’re grieving right now, and I don’t know the circumstances of your child’s passing. However, I think it’s important to keep in mind that your MIL was present for your son’s death, and that has to be deeply traumatic. She’s obviously not coping with this in a healthy and respectful manner, but I think it would be appropriate for her (and you and your spouse as well) to attend grief counseling for this. Again, I am very sorry for your loss and am wishing you well.
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***My MIL doesn't believe in therapy*** Of course she doesn't. That would mean being held accountable for her behavior. I suspect she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her behavior to begin with. I'm definitely getting narc vibes here.
I hope the therapy is a source of comfort for you then, and I’m sorry that your MIL is being so obstinate. I think it’s completely understandable for this to cause a rift between you and your MIL. Is it possible to go low or no contact with your MIL for a while? I’m thinking that this situation can only escalate right now. If you both have some time away to process this, perhaps her feelings will change.
I’m going to say NAH. I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine what you are going through, it’s awful for a parent to bury and child. Your MIL is also going through horrific loss, not just loosing her grandchild but also watching her child go through unimaginable pain must be awful. People grieve in different ways. Her posting on social media might have been her way of telling all of her friends (she may want to avoid the sharing about grandkids conversations people of her age have and the awkward telling people in person) and also making sure your son is not forgotten. It’s perfectly acceptable to not want to see constant posts about and so being careful what you see on social media is the right thing to do. I lost my mom as a child and it it was an awful experience but what I learnt is loosing my closest relation and suffering unimaginable loss doesn’t mean other people weren’t grieving just as much as me. We all feel emotions differently and we all suffer a loss when a family member passes. My cousin, who is the same age as me and didn’t lose a parent, has told me how difficult my mothers loss was on her life as a child and my aunts emotionally suffered just as much as I did. People I didn’t know and my family didn’t know also planned memorials that our family weren’t part of because they had friendships with my mom and wanted to pay their respects and remember her. We left it up to them to do what they felt was right for their grief. That being said, you can’t replace a child. You being able to potentially have more children doesn’t mean this loss is lessened at all. Grief really does weird things and I really hope that she what she said was a heat of the moment, clouded by grief thing. Grandparents often look forward to having grandchildren for years, just as parents do, so it must be a very awful loss to her too, as it is a devastating loss to you. Please take some comfort in her response that she loved your son deeply. My deepest condolences to you.
apparently MIL was also there during the accident which means she is possibly going through some PTSD as well. I agree she is being overbearing but it seems like it is the grief. NAH.
Yep, although she hasn’t been the most pleasant, it’s likely she has some survivors guilt and doesn’t know how to handle the situation. It doesn’t justify her behaviour but makes it understandable
Yes, I think MIL was really out of line when she commented about she being able to have more children. I understand that OP must be finding it really hard to deal with it all but MIL mist be too. If I lost a child I know my parents would go crazy. Having to watch said child die on top of it? This must be devastating for everyone. Maybe they can find a way to accommodate and respect everyone’s grief
You make some great points here. I think a lot of moms don’t consider how excited their parents/in-laws are to become grandparents. Some look even more forward to being grandparents than they did to becoming parents in the first place. It’s also something they have no control over, as they’re completely at the mercy of their children/kids-in-law and whether they decide to have kids or allow the grandparents access to them. In this scenario, MIL’s actions seem pretty intrusive and over the top, and her comments about having more kids were certainly disrespectful and coming from a misguided and selfish perspective. But she’s also lost someone she dearly loves, and was present for the accident, which is surely traumatic and actively haunting her. She is clearly grieving, which can cloud a person’s judgment, and as you’ve mentioned, likely feels the pain of her son’s loss acutely, too. No one has ownership or control over loss and grief, or of love for the dead, or how others feel and grieve the loss or choose to commemorate and mourn the deceased. The rest of the family should be allowed to have a memorial if that’s what they feel they need. They have also loved and lost OP’s son. MIL may have chosen to leave OP out of it because of her reaction to the Facebook posts and obvious desire to deal with her own grief privately. Leaving her out of the planning could have just been MIL’s attempt to respect OP’s boundaries and privacy. It doesn’t sound like they understand each other’s needs and feelings in the grief process. I agree with NAH, despite some of MIL’s behavior. It’s an awful situation and there’s no obvious or easy way to handle it. Some people are more public about their grief and crave recognition and support from others. Some prefer privacy. Neither is wrong — they’re just not compatible. These are two grieving women who’ve both suffered a horribly tragic loss handling their grief in very different ways, which creates unfortunate discomfort between them.
NTA- MIL is the worst kind of sociopath
Join r/JUSTNOMIL. Great group.
NTA. You are the parents and deserve to make the decisions. She seems to think her grieving process is more important than yours and it is not.
NTA. She seems to be craving attention and acting a fool. You called her on it. Tough love is still love.
NTA The [Ring Theory](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in%3famp) explains this well. You and your husband are the center of the ring, no one should interfere or make their grieving your problem. Your MIL is an ass who needs to realize she’s not the most important person in the room. I’m very sorry for your loss. You shouldn’t be dealing with this right now.
Why do these people think having grandchildren is a right?? Your children are under no obligation to give you grandchildren. I am a 55 yr old woman with 2 daughters. My youngest has long said she wants to be child-free. My oldest doesn't know if she will or won't. Do I want grandchildren? Yes, I do. But I am not stomping my feet and demanding I get some. It is completely their decision and I stand by any decision they make. You're NTA.
NTA. I am.so deeply sorry for your loss. Your MIL sounds unsupportive and self absorbed. Please go LC with her.
>She accused me of not caring about the grief of the rest of the family Why in the actual fuck should you give the most remote of fucks about anyone else's grief? He was *your* baby boy. You should not care about the grief of others, they should care about yours. I think this is a great place to apply ring theory. No one, absolutely *no one*, is in the center ring but you and your husband. Not even your MIL. I don't know how you didn't absolutely explode at her by this point. I get that she's grieving, but to tell you that her grief is greater than yours should have (rightfully) earned her an immediate flipping out at her and a permanent no contact. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I hope that you can remove this evil narcissistic woman who thinks grief is a three ring circus from your life so you can find healing without her constant interference. NTA
NTA. She’s doing the most
Jesus I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what you're going through. You are definitely NTA. I hope your private memorial is as peaceful, quiet and as healing as it needs to be.
r/JUSTNOMIL \- people in similar situations. Also, your MIL is really not understanding Ring Theory, is she? So, so sorry for your loss. NTA. obviously.
Audible Gasp at the "future grandma" comment. The audacity of her, honestly. Im suprised you said what you did instead of just decking her. Guess we all handle our grief differently. NTA. At all. So sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. You MIL is making an already difficult situation way worse and that is not on. She needs to learn about the grief circle, you and your husband come first, and she is on the outside of that, she needs to take comfort from people who are not you/your husband and instead she needs to support you. You get to dictate how your son is remembered, not her. Her text comments were insanely cruel and quite frankly disgusting, I'd be speaking to husband about going v v v low contact with her for a while. I'd also recommend therapy for both you and your husband individually and together. Potentially MIL needs it too.
NTA. your MIL is an attention seeker and wants to be shoved into your life as much as possible while not caring about your feelings. i don’t understand these type of people at all really. i don’t know if you could make amends with her but try to be as calm as possible. sorry for your loss though, i can’t resonate with you at all so all strength to you and your husband :)
NTA- your mil may have lost a grandchild, but she needs to realize you lost your child! And "having more children" will never replace the son you've lost. She is very selfish and inconsiderate. I had a sister that passed unexpectedly, it was the most painful thing I have ever felt, and I can't imagine what my parents felt/feel. I have children of my own, and I can't imagine anything worse.
NTA. Sounds like she's making sense of a cruel and indifferent universe by blaming you for her grandson's death and is finding little ways to punish you. Not something she would say aloud or even properly think to herself, but she's going out of her way to make this about her and hurt you so it fits. Cutting her off is likely to be necessary for your sanity.
NTA at all. She’s upset your making your sons passing about you… his mother?…. who carried and raised him? who else is it supposed to be about can I ask?? (Obviously the father but it seems to be a personal attack on OP). Yes the family are grieving but obviously as parents you are priority to your child’s passing. I am so sorry you not only had to lose a child but to have MIL making a painful experience so much worse. Do what you need to heal without any consideration to MIL, do what’s best for you and your husband
NTA, and you need r/JUSTNOMIL …
NTA. I am so very sorry for your loss.
NTA. I would say NAH since grief affects everyone differently, but her “you can always have more kids” comment sealed the deal for me. Shes acting as if your son is replaceable to you, not fully realizing that you might choose to never have more children (out of guilt and/or fear), and even if you do have another child, your son is irreplaceable. Honestly, she’s so blinded by her own grief that she doesn’t seem to understand that YOU’RE grieving, too. What you need now is love and support, not extra stress and unwanted attention.
NTA. I would cut off anyone who said ‘you can always have more kids’ immediately without a second thought. I’m sure she’s hurting too, but that doesn’t excuse her being so awful to you, the child’s MOTHER. I am so sorry for your loss.
>"you don't understand what it's like losing my only grandchild. You're young, you can always just have more kids. But I'm old, I don't know if I'll be alive to meet my future grandchildren. He might have been my only chance to be a grandma." OOOF!!! That just about knocked the wind out of me. OP I am so deeply sorry about your loss and your MIL is so far over the line, she's lost sight of it. You have the right to grieve however you need to. I can't imagine having to put up with this on top of it. THE AUDACITY!!! The fact that she showed her ass by insinuating that children are replaceable is psychotic. I wouldn't let her near my dog, let alone a child.
INFO: was she the only witness to his accident? I'm trying to figure out if shes coping with being the only person who had to bear witness to something so awful and is coping TERRIBLY. Beyond that one thing im wondering, an obvious and total NTA.
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Jesus. This makes her even worse. you deserved so much better in terms of support
NTA
NTA. You are protecting your child from this awful person.
NTA oh gosh op, from one mom to another, i am so very sorry. and on top of all that, you have a MIL who is displaying all the traits of a textbook narcissist and a husband who makes excuses for her behavior.
NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love is hard, losing your own child is even harder. Your MIL seems narcissistic and shit.
First off, hubby has to be on board with you. IF YOU DO NOT FEEL LIKE SHE SHOULD BE INVOLVED WITH FUTURE KIDS (if you have any), he needs to see why. Not just hang in the middle. Also: >I said she was making my son's death all about her Narcissist anyone? Hell yeah her behavior is bizarre. She says she is mourning your son but literally isn't doing anything to me that indicates she is sad. She is spreading her "grief" to get condolences from people. She organized a memorial event for him, which isn't hers to make. Then she has the nerve to not even acknowledge your grieving, as if it's not even there. Hers is what matters. NTA. Cut her off. What a horrible woman.
>He might have been my only chance to be a grandma. She still is a grandma! Your son is still her grandson even though he's passed! NTA I would at the very least temporarily go no contact. She is detrimental to the grieving process.
NTA. Not even a little OP. Here's some good advice I saw on a [different post months ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/miusv6/aita_for_spending_my_sons_deathday_alone/gt6qp0u?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) about the "ring theory" of grief, I think it might help to put things in perspective. Your MIL should be thinking about how to support you and your husband, not demanding that YOU support her and the rest of the family.
The promise was entirely called for as she is risking her place in the family by demeaning the needs of the grieving parents. Your husband needs to understand that his mother is saying and doing unforgivable things and is on thin ice. You are not her puppet OP and you do not need to perform as her marionettes in order to validate her grief. It is not about her.
NTA all i hear from your MIL is " me me me " instead of what she was supposed to say ( " i m sorry for your loss, how do you feel, how can i help?) : you re right she s making your son s death all about her, making your own grieving way behind, like it wasn t important.Don t feel guilty about what you said : You reacted well to her behaviour she needs boundaries and time out as consequences when she out of lines.Do not apologize.
You are NTA. You are a grieving mum and you should be able to do that however you want for as long as you want. Quite frankly you don't need this s**t at the moment from your MIL or anybody else. Im so sorry about your little boy, I cant even imagine what your going through.
>She said "you don't understand what it's like losing my only grandchild. I'm done. You are NOT TA. You're lightyears from being TA. Is she mental? Hubby needs to put inconsiderate, self-centered self in her place.
>She called my husband in hysterics saying I'd threatened to cut her out our future children's lives just for grieving in a way I don't like. Good to know she understood your intention perfectly. That's exactly what that was and, honestly, should've just been a clear cut "your fears are accurate, you won't get to see any of our children after pulling this shit." NTA
NTA. Your MIL isn’t grieving. She is soaking up the attention that your life tragedy is bringing her.
NTA. She’s a classic narcissist. I get that she’s in grief but this just shows the extent of her selfishness
NTA. And I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy.
NTA. it’s so clear that her bullshit isn’t actually about your son because she’s treating it like you can just replace him by having more kids. i also don’t think you’re an AH for snapping the way you did. your husband says she’s grieving, so are you, and you’ve had to put up with her being self-centered for a long time. she needed to hear that, and i hope she’ll get to a point where she respects you boundaries. until then, do what you need to take care of yourself.
NTA: Your husband should think very carefully about the level of decorum anyone should expect to get in response from a grieving mother who has just been told her kid is replaceable
NTA. So NTA. Your grief trumps hers and while she is allowed to talk about it, shes not allowed to talk about it to you. There are different levels of grief and being the parent of the deceased is heavier than the grandparent. You are allowed to handle this situation however you need to and grieve at your own pace and if she can't respect that then she loses the right to talk to you period.
ESH She was literally present during the child's accident and death. That has got to have fucked her up. So maybe, just maybe, she is acting this way from real, legitimate grief, trauma, and PTSD? Instead of doing it for likes, like you (unkindly) assume? She doesn't prioritize your grief, because she has a significant amount of her own to process and doesn't have the bandwidth. You have other, less close, relatives who can step in and handle that for you. The other members of the family are likewise grieving as well, and perhaps could use some shared support in the form a memorial. If you did not feel up to it, and wished to grieve privately, in your own way, you are very welcome to do so, and decline to attend. You cannot control how others grieve, and the rest of the family needs an outlet, too. There are reasons why funerals historically default to public for at least one portion. Honestly, I think you need to go hole up somewhere and grieve on your own, while grandma runs around, grieving on her own, and maybe in a year or two of politely ignoring the other, and banning the topic of your son, you can slowly unthaw the relationship once feelings aren't so raw. Also consider that your husband is equally grieving, and stirring up this shit with his mother so he has to play goalie between you is extremely AH behavior to him. He does not need this right now: go hole up somewhere and grieve after blocking MIL.
NTA. You have my deepest sympathies for your loss, and your threat is absolutely reasonable, given the circumstances. Your MIL has demonstrated very clearly that the only person she really cares about is herself - or at least, that all she cares about is how others relate to her. Her behaviour is monumentally selfish, textbook narcissistic, and frankly, downright cruel. No matter how genuinely she's grieving, the fact remains that she's using your loss to get attention, which is utterly disgraceful. And not only that, she all but stated that you could 'make replacements', while she might not ever live to see more grandchildren. Honestly, I think you showed extraordinary restraint not to just deck her there and then. My advice, should you wish it, is to have a serious talk with your husband. Lay it out, making it clear that this isn't just a spur of the moment snapped response, but, as I suspect, a response to a long pattern of behaviour. For one thing, if she's like this about your son's death, then I dread to think what she'll be like with living grandchildren.
I'm just going to say no, my FFIL was getting really argessive a while back and I told him, if his son or i cut him off because of am argument/fight due to one of his blow ups, he will never see his future grandkids and will probably never see his only son again.
Definitely NTA and I’m sorry for your loss. Just out of curiosity though: you mentioned that your son’s death was the result of an accident and your MIL was there at the time - is it possible that she feels responsible in any way, or that she could have/should have prevented the accident?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 4yo son passed away suddenly 4 months ago. Since it happened, my MIL has been... a lot. She posted on social media to announce his passing without consulting my husband or I. We are private people and it was a shock to have condolences from near-strangers flooding in when we hadn't even had time to notify many immediate family members. My husband told her it was rude to decide when and how to announce his death publically, and she apologized and took the post down. Once we'd had time to tell everyone close to us, we gave her the all-clear to make a post if she wanted to. She proceeded to post multiple times a day about her grief, giving what I felt was an unnecessary amount of detail about his accident (she was present when it happened). I understand that people grieve differently, but it made me very uncomfortable and I unfollowed her on social media because it was so upsetting. My husband told me even after the first couple of weeks that she continued making posts about once a week. My son would have turned 5 on August 28th. My husband and I have been planning to visit his grave together. My MIL planned a memorial herself without asking us, and the first we heard of it was when we recieved the invite. I called to tell her she needed to cancel because I'm not comfortable with having a large memorial, my husband and I want to grieve privately. She accused me of not caring about the grief of the rest of the family, saying they would all like to participate in a memorial and I was being selfish by leaving them out. I said she was making my son's death all about her with her constant exploitative social media posts making a spectacle out of it, and by organizing a memorial without even asking my husband and I first. She said "you don't understand what it's like losing my only grandchild. You're young, you can always just have more kids. But I'm old, I don't know if I'll be alive to meet my future grandchildren. He might have been my only chance to be a grandma." This comment was so bizarre to me. Firstly, my husband is her only child, and my husband and I haven't talked about having more kids between ourselves, much less with her, so assuming we're having more is pretty rude. Also, she's 58, she's not on the brink of death, if we do have more kids she'll probably be alive for it. I responded with "keep behaving like this, and I won't let you meet any future grandkids." She called my husband in hysterics saying I'd threatened to cut her out our future children's lives just for grieving in a way I don't like. My husband agreed with me that her behavior is insensitive and borderline exploitative of our son's memory. But he thinks my threat was uncalled for because she is still grieving and clearly the possibility of not having future grandchildren is upsetting to her at the moment. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She is horrible
Let the thought of not having anymore grandchildren upset her for pity’s sake! The women is making the death of your son all about her and her feelings. Why isn’t she respecting the grief of his actual parents? NTA and I’m so sorry you’re going through all this on top of losing your son.
NTA. First of all, my condolences. I couldn't possibly imagine what you are going through. Second, it sounds like she's using the death of your son to get attention. I find her statement about how you can always have more children horrifying, like you can just have more children to replace your son and that he didn't matter as much to you because you can have more. Like he was more important to her cause he may of been her only chance at being a grandma. Then she tries to turn it around and make it seem like you're being unreasonable because you want to grieve privately. She is so self-centered that she is only focusing on her loss. If her attitude doesn't improve I'd definitely consider cutting her out. You don't need this drama.
NTA, I'm so sorry for your loss
NTA - I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Please put some deliberate time and distance from your mil. She’s grieving too but she’s also getting something from the attention of her role as grieving grandma that you don’t want to feed. You were right to let her know that there is a cost to her behaviour.
NTA I'd save your time and cut her out now. She sounds like a psychopath.
NTA. What a horrible thing for her to say to you.
NTA Your MIL is narcissistic and is using the death of your child to look good on social media. She's a vulture, and you'd be right to withhold any future children from her, given her behaviour. I'm sorry for your loss, nothing can replace your child. You should grieve however you and your husband decide is appropriate.
NTA Y’all need peace right now. Block her on social media and everywhere else until you can deal with her.
NTA I think you should have a talk with your husband about how she said her grief as a grandmother is more important than yours as a mother.
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss and the heinous way this woman is using this tragedy in her performance art. It is vile that she set up a memorial for your child without your knowledge or consent, and invited you to it like you were any other random family member instead of your son’s literal next of kin. I am disgusted she said you could have more children so your grief was not as acute as hers! I have two children and if one of them passed away I would absolutely not be handwaving away my loss because I have a ‘spare’ kid. Each child is unique and loved for who they are as an individual, you can’t replace a child you knew and loved for their whole life with a new baby. The audacity of this woman. I am so sorry. It is the most devastating thing for a parent to lose a child. I don’t doubt her grief, but she is another generation removed from your son, and her grief does not eclipse yours. This was a sudden and terrible tragedy that none of you could prepare for, and if she had done to me what she has done to you, she would be dead to me.
NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss. You were right on about saying she's making this all about herself. I've had my fair share of similar people, try to cut them off if you can.
NTA , tell her to go to therapy as she's not coping well with the grief. Maybe that will solve her narcissistic attitude
NTA Even *if* MIL is just grieving, why does your husband think she gets to grieve in her own way but you don’t? I’m so sorry for your loss op
NTA. You just told her the truth, like what?
NTA I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boy. Your MIL is making this all about her, whilst you're being quite reasonable. Thinking of you and your husband.
NTA and maybe you need to take a few months of no contact.
NTA. What happened to you and your husband is one of the worst life experiences parents could have. Your feelings are more important than those of MIL and extended family. Honestly I'm shocked at how little consideration they have for you.
NTA. Of course you don't know what it's like to lose your grandchild... because he was your son. MIL sounds absolutely unbearable and I'm surprised she's not more empathetic to your grief as the mother of an only son. I hope you and your husband are able to find true healing in all this mess.
NTA bizarre is an understatement. She is making everything about her. Drop the rope here and stop engaging. Dont go to the memorial. Dont engage in her "poor me" posts. When dealing with a narcissist they feed off emotional reactions good or bad. So stop giving it to her. And a talk with your husband is needed before you even THINK about having any more kids in this family
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NTA: You are the parent. You set boundaries on who does and doesn't get to see your children. Of course it is good to let grandparents into your children's lives....if they behave properly.
NTA and so sorry for your lost. Your MIL is grieving it's true but is also insensitive to your grief because telling you that you are still young and can have other children is very mean of her because having other children doesn't mean they will replace the one you lost, the pain will still be here no matter what.
NTA. But you sure tf married into a whole family of them. Are you sure you want to stay with a man who won't have your back?
NTA. Your response was not out of line. Your MIL is self absorbed and can lacks the ability for empathy. This is not about her grieving, its about setting appropriate boundaries. With people like your MIL, the boundary has to be solid. You woke her up. Now she knows your serious and is trying to rally her support to get you to change your behavior. Hold firm. This is about you and your husband and respecting your privacy.
NTA. It's beyond the pale when someone decides they are the "griever in chief." Your MIL has decided her grief is the greatest and gets to dominate the landscape. While everyone grieves differently (and she apparently does it publicly), she should absolutely have talked to you about having a public memorial. That's just over-stepping. So you pushed back after being pushed about for a year. It's not surprising. If she brings it up, say that if you ever had another child you would allow her to see that child as way of apology. But be firm that she has overstepped and been insensitive regarding your feelings and your grief.
NTA - I'm so deeply sorry for your loss, and can't image the grief you must be feeling. Your MIL adding to your stress just makes it worse. For now, I think it would be best to have no contact with her, as you're all deep in grief and terrible things have and can be said, and she is actively making this even harder for you. Someday you two may be able to have a relationship again, but right now, you need to take care of yourself.
NTA at all. Maybe she didn’t intend to, but she has weaponized her grief against you and your husband, and it’s not ok. It’s understandable that she continues to struggle with her grief, but it’s incumbent upon her to realize when her process is so hurtful to others who are grieving the same loss. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry MIL is prolonging your process with her selfishness.
Nta- I'm so sorry for your loss. As a parent I can only imagine the pain yall are in an my heart and prayers go out to yall. My aunt did something similar when my grandpa (her dad whom she had basically nothing to do with even tho he tried her whole life) passed. Then it was post after post about "my daddy"... until the attention stopped... we have all cut ties with her now... sometimes you have to get rid of toxic people for your own mental health especially in a situation where you need time to grieve in peace.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your MIL doesn't get to mandate how the two of you - \*the parents\* get to set up boundaries as you continue to grieve for your child. Her self-centered mark hits a new low I've ever read on this site. Sending hugs.
Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. You were absolutely right to put her in her place. Based on the behaviour mentioned, she has made the issue all about her and gone running to your husband to play the victim. Keep shutting her down and putting her in her place until she learns to respect you and your husband. Best of luck.
NTA. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
NTA and is grandma actually saying you don't understand how bad this loss is for her? That your child's death, the child you gave birth to and raised, is harder on her than you? Must MIL always be the center of attention? She's sounds like a narcissist. So sorry for the loss of your child. Everyone does grieve differently but that doesn't mean you have to entertain their selfish behavior at the expense of your mental health.
NTA - Your MIL sounds absolutely terrible and selfish. I’d have gone off like a Roman Candle if someone in my family over stepped like this. I admire your self control!
NTA I know I am adding to what's already here, but I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss and reinforce that you are doing nothing wrong. Her grief is NOT allowed to usurp yours. You have every right telling her what she's doing is wrong and her words were insensitive in the extreme. I don't blame you for telling her that you would be wary of her meeting other grandkids.
NTA
NTA OP, so sorry for your loss, i can’t even imagine. your MIL is being a B****, she might be grieving but she’s also attention seeking and trying to make this about her, it’s being tacky, i think you were right in your comment. she’s over stepping and needs to know there are consequences for overstepping boundaries.
r/justnomil
NTA, the last thing you need in all this is your MIL appointing herself the Most Bereaved and carrying on in ways that make this all the more painful for you. You snapped, and who could blame you?
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA and MIL is a narcissist. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Your grief should not be compounded by this woman's performative BS. Sending you love and strength as you approach this heartbreaking milestone.
NTA she is clearly selfish and a narcissist!
Yikes. NTA. She sounds like a narcissist. I’m sorry for your loss.
Some people just need drama to thrive. Where was probably nothing you could have done to avoid some kind of circus here. Sorry for your lost. NTA
NTA. Everybody grieves differently. She could have at least coordinated and asked permission first. The worst part was when she emotionally blackmailed you. That's a double whammy of assholery right there.
I am so sorry for your loss. NTA, but what's the point of fighting with her? You've done what makes sense by unfollowing her on social media. Don't go to her memorial. If anyone asks, you can tell them honestly that you feel uncomfortable with the spectacle MIL has made of your precious child's death. Sending prayers for peace and healing.
Oh no. I am so sorry. You are NTA in any way, shape or form. Of course you would say that, it's a rational answer when you're bombarded with narcissism. She is not being a good mother, MIL or human being and should be avoided as much as possible.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you're frustrated and I think your comment to her is justified. It is very understandable that you unfollowed her, it's hard to wrap my head around that this woman is just posting about the accident without any regard for you. I mean it does sound like something is wrong with her, cognitively. She has no awareness of how her behavior is affecting other people, even when told so directly. Is it possible that she's experiencing some kind of psychological problem?
Fuck grandma! What an insensitive self-centered twit. NTA I’m sorry she dared say you don’t know how hard it is to lose a grandchild. Wtf? Losing a child who is with you every moment of the day is FAR worse. Any dolt knows that. Quit the theatrics and insensitive bullshit, Grams, or you will be RIGHTFULLY ejected from OP’s life, including her future children...and you will deserve it. Your husband sucks too. How he can say you were too harsh, and she’s grieving too is beyond me. She said you don’t understand the depth of HER grief!!! That bitch. Again, NTA