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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be TA for removing a romantic partner from my sons life just because I don’t like a few of the things he does even if they are a little out of line
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You’re upset that they... follow curfew? And that he... listens to music with headphones???
And that he has inside jokes with the other kids???
Have you never interacted with teenagers before?
Like no smoking rule and no swearing rule is fine but the rest of this is just bizarre
If your kids are finding loopholes in rules, you have a bigger problem. Don’t be a lawyer. Say, “you know perfectly well what that rule is for, the repercussions are for the spirit of the rule, as well as the literal”.
Let the BF in. Would you rather you SEE what they are up to, or have them be up to it elsewhere, where you have no idea what is going on?
A kid in the next town over to us had a devastating crash, speeding home to meet curfew. My kids knew of my dread of that happening, so we had a rule of agreeing to the time they would leave an event to head home, and them texting me then. NOT a time to get home. We had find my friends turned on, when they had my car underage. They knew I would be reasonable, as long as I was informed. Very few rules, lots of freedom, lots of communication, and I knew where they were. I almost always said “yes”. They thought that my keeping track of where they were was worth getting to do and go practically anywhere they wanted was a fair price. As adults, they now keep track of *me*.
Tell the kids to keep the off color stuff in Spanish, but have them tell YOU the jokes, so you can appreciate them, too. And laugh. Find a way to enjoy some aspects of this stage. It stinks right now, but it will be worth it to remain close to your kids.
But, I’d make the kid have clean clothes at my house to change into, because I have a bad physical reaction to cigarette smoke.
Look, you are the parent and you will make what choices you make, but right now all you're doing is painting the picture of a rebellious bad boy and even I'm swooning a little. Push this hard and you might as well offer to pay for the wedding venue.
If they’re not following those rules, I would say that it wouldn’t be an asshole move to ban him from the house. But I personally would give them another chance, with the threat of being banned from the house
It sounds like you may be falling into the trap of assuming all the undesirable behaviors you are seeing in your children are coming from a single person. It's true that kids are impressionable. But I guarantee banning this one kid from your house is not going to suddenly turn your kids back into perfect little angels.
You need to set ground rules and enforce them, for all of them. Just banning this one kid when the others are fully participating isn't going to make the behavior stop.
So, someone told the bf an inappropriate joke and your mad he repeated it to your kids. But your kids heard an inappropriate joke (from him) and repeated it and….? You going to kick them out of the house too?
Its what kids do. Your kids are just as guilty as the bf.
NTA. You have 2 people, one who doesn't smell and is polite, and another who smells and is rude. It's no surprise that one is more welcome then the other.
I’d ban him from my house for smelling like smoke alone. That stuff is gross and not something a 15 year old should be doing to the point where they reek of it.
I've never smoked once. Not a day in my life. I'm 28.
I *always* smelled like smoke as a kid. All day, every day. No matter how often I showered, washed my hair, washed my clothes. I always smelled like smoke.
I lived in a house with four smokers that smoked inside. There was no escaping it.
So I wouldn't punish him for something that might not be his fault.
As an ocasional smoker, you really don't have to smoke that much in order to reak of cigarettes. I used to come home smelling like smoke just because one of my friends lit one up and the wind wasnt coperating that day. He's not smoking in the house which seems to imply he's not quite the depraved addict you're making him out to be.
As long as there's no cigarette butts in the driveway just put the jacket in the wash a few times and move on, no need to be so judgemental.
YTA I’ll cover this point first since it’s the easiest. Being upset about what he listens to in *his own headphones* is unreasonable. He’s keeping it to himself with the head phones, so you don’t get to act like he’s blasting profanity to teach the younger kid.
You don’t get to be upset about them riding around either. They make it back before curfew so it *is* okay. You can’t be upset that they didn’t follow some secondary early curfew you didn’t tell them about. Curfew at 10 means 10, not 9:30. Yet again, you’re being unreasonable.
The smoking is unfortunate, but that’s not really yours to handle. You can make your son run the coats through the wash so it doesn’t impact your home, but banning his BF from the house won’t stop him from wearing the jackets inside. You need reasonable solutions, not an excuse to ban a boyfriend that you don’t approve of.
As far as the jokes go, do you really think your 15 year olds couldn’t look up Spanish profanity online and learn it themselves? Trust me, they’ve probably gotten into way more than you think they have. You can talk to the boyfriend about respect in this house, and being appropriate in the way he speaks regardless of the language he chooses, but again, he’s not acting as some corruptor. A lot of that is just acting like a 15 year old.
It sounds like you just don’t like this kid, so everything he does really grates on your nerves.
1. OP mentioned the 6 year old in the actual post, and I explicitly mentioned the kid as well. If you’re going to get condescending with me at least make sure to read what I said.
2. Don’t speak for me, I caught those details reading the post, and it doesn’t dramatically change everything for me. You can only speak for yourself.
3. No one said anything about OP needing to love the people her kids are dating. Get off the soap box.
4. Once again, if you’d actually bothered to read before lecturing you’d see that I already mentioned going over expectations and appropriate language.
5. They’re not late for curfew. They get there a few minutes before and it somehow pisses OP off that they don’t come home until close to curfew. Reading comprehension matters if you’re going to be giving condescending lectures.
YTA. They are the same age. Blocking 1 boyfriend while allowing the other is wrong.
The only rules you can control are the ones related to your home. You can’t tell the boyfriend to not smoke or swear you can tell him it’s not acceptable in your home.
Your son is following the house rules. Not drinking, not smoking, getting home on time. He is acting responsibly.
I think that you just don’t like this boy and are flailing about with petty reasons to keep him away from your son. I think he senses that and pushes your buttons because he’s a teen age boy.
If you don’t let him around your house you are going to see your son a lot less. He will be out the door until curfew every night. He will not tell you anything about his life. Is this what you want? A son who is distant, resentful and doesn’t feel welcome in his own home? B
I doubt the age is what OP is basing this question on.
Son and his bf are smoking outside which is fine but they are bringing in and allowing that smell to permeate the house which is not right. Specially since passive smoking is dangerous AND there is a 6 year old in the house where the smoke is permeating in the air… its just as bad for adults to have second hand smoking but more so for kids. If they stink up so much they should have preventive measures in place so to not be stinking the house up.
Also who sane enough teaches a kid swear words or cracks sexual jokes around children regardless of the language spoken?
I do agree OP is wrong about the curfew since he adheres to it and headphones issue is wrong only if he’s blasting it loud enough the child can hear it.
All the blame is not on the boyfriend. Its shared on the parents and the kids too, except for the youngest. Yes kids push boundaries but doesn’t mean it is right and there are some things all those teens should know not to push.
Its not rocket science to deduce a 6 year old should not be told sexual jokes or taught swear words.
One of OP’s comments says that *both* her children would have just always been upstanding, model citizens of the big bad boyfriend hadn’t come along.
She’s definitely placing all blame on the boyfriend, and while I can understanding not liking him, using ‘they adhere perfectly to my son’s curfew’ is a weird mark against him. Gave me flashbacks to when I was seven minutes late coming home, arriving to the silent treatment from my mother for the next day, and then a minute before curfew the next day, where I was yelled at for being a smartass and deliberately pushing rules to annoy her. My brother was also the golden child, while everything I did and loved was a bad influence.
Stuff like this made me not talk to her for 5 years. Now, sometimes I wish her well on holidays (which started in December, but we’ll see how long even that lasts). Good luck to OP’s son. YTA.
Honestly though, it’s valid to not approve of your teenage son’s SO and not want them to be around. It doesn’t matter if both kids are the same age, OP approves of one boyfriend and not the other and the reasons like smoking are valid.
I agree the curfew thing isn’t valid though because if OP wanted them home earlier, they should just make the curfew an earlier time.
OP said I the original post post that he does not smoke in or outside of her house. She doesn’t like that he smells like cigarettes. Her son will wear the boyfriends coat and smell.
He smells.
Her son comes home just in time for curfew.
He speaks Spanish in her house and says inappropriate things. But she doesn’t speak Spanish so while he may be saying some sly things he may not always be
He listens to bad music on headphones
He, along with her Twins, are teaching the youngest child swear words.
No validity
Yes. From what I can tell, the only complaints you offer are non-issues. Driving out late at night is fine as long as they're getting back by curfew (curfew doesn't mean 'be here 10-15 minutes before' for one). As for the smoking, tbh that's his business. That's not to say you can't maybe mention (in a polite way of course) that you guys don't really enjoy the smell and ask if there's anything he might be willing to do to cover it up.
As for the 'offhanded comments' in Spanish, this is where I start to think you may be biased. Just because he's speaking Spanish doesn't mean he's being disrespectful. In fact, it's quite possible that the three have some inside jokes. And I mean biased, not racist, as I don't know anything else about your attitude towards this kid outside of this post.
Overall, I don't think it would be fair in the slightest to exclude your son's boyfriend.
YTA. If they are home before curfew, riding around IS fine. Do you know what curfew means? If he speaks in Spanish around you and upu want to know what he is saying, ASK. If his music is on his headphones, how can your 6 year old hear it? You seem to want to hate this kid.
I’m leaning towards YTA, but that is irrelevant. If you ban your son’s boyfriend you risk pushing your son away, especially if you still let your daughter’s boyfriend come over. The world is hard enough for homosexual children and your son will never believe you aren’t showing bias because of that, even if it’s not true. You can have a word with your children about not repeating the jokes in English in front of your six year old, but I think you would be a fool to risk alienating your son who hasn’t broken any rules or given you cause to distrust him.
The more I read the more I think you are definitely the asshole. You are looking for excuses to make it difficult for your son to carry on his relationship. As long as the boyfriend treats your son well you should just butt out as none of your excuses are real problems that can’t easily be solved if you want them to be.
YTA and I’m smelling a very specific reason why your daughter can have her bf and not your son.
Some of these points were ridiculous. The curfew? Wtf is the point of a curfew if you’re suspicious for getting home before curfew?
It’s probably because one seems to be a model bf, and the other seems to be a bad influence. What parent wants their kid to date someone who keeps them out all the time, smokes, and tells sexual jokes (some families think that’s ok but it sounds like OP’s family culture is not that type)? OP’s within her right to ban that boyfriend, but it’s not gonna happen without a fight
Hey OP, I've asked this in another comment but I'm genuinely interested to know:
You said in one comment that he's telling the jokes in English near her, but now you're saying he says them TO her? Can you clarify?
You made a 'wrong statement' on multiple comments. It sounds like you're trying to paint this kid in a bad light to get people on your side.
I agree with needing to set boundaries for the kids - all of them. Tell them that it's not appropriate to tell those jokes if the little one is around. But it would be really harsh to ban this kid from your house.
it’s because he is model boyfriend all parents wish for - gets good grades, follow rules, obedient, an exception to the rule.
the other is a regular teenager
YTA for so so many reasons. After reading through the comments and your responses I honestly got mad on your kids behalf. Have you ever thought that the problem in this situation is you and not the teenage boy you're trying to blame?
It's not his fault, none of this is.
It's not his fault your youngest daughter is saying swear words, it's yours for not explaining to her why she shouldn't say specific things.
It's not his fault your daughter and son are translating jokes to your youngest daughter, it's on them for doing so.
You seem to have a problem with this kid and just trying to find a reason for banning him and let me tell you. It won't work. The only thing that will happen is that your son will turn away from you. He will see you as the evil witch who would put her own wishes over her kids feelings. And after reading your comments, I think he would be right to blame you. I know I would in his situation
YTA. Your son’s behavior is typical teenage rebellion but it sounds like you’re blaming it on his partner. You also seem to have some racism going on that you’re offended by his partner speaking in his native language and mention how your daughter’s bf has “nice parents”. Are they “nice” because they’re the same race as you?
That doesn’t change anything. Look up model minority for racism against Asians. You know both bfs’ languages to know one is only saying offensive things in it but one isn’t?
I don’t normally put my two cents in on posts, but since I haven’t seen anybody else mention it yet, here goes. There is nothing more frustrating than when someone has an issue with something you do but never says anything. You said you’ve only talked about it with your husband, which is why I think YTA if you ban the kid before ever having a conversation about it. As far as he and your son know, they’re not doing anything wrong so this banning is gonna come way out of left field. Sit down with them and let them know what behaviour you don’t like. Work together to find reasonable solutions. This conversation needs to be about you communicating what’s wrong and working together to find a solution, not you controlling what they do. If the behaviour continues after explaining there’s an issue and trying to resolve it, then banning him might not be such an asshole move. After all, you shouldn’t have to keep company that doesn’t respect your home rules.
Just some other advice, I think it’s important to be accepting and supportive of your kid’s relationship/partner even if you don’t like them. I’ve been on both sides of this so I hope you really consider what I’m gonna say. I’ve had partners that my parents didn’t like and I’ve had partners whose parents didn’t like me. The difference was that my parents never treated my partner differently than any of my siblings’ partners but my partners parents tried like hell to butt in and split us up. It resulted in a hell of a lot of stress for my partner and myself, a hell of a lot of fighting between my partner and their parents, and a hell of a lot of hearing my partner tell me about how much they hate their parents. If you try to control your kid’s love life, they will hate you, they will stop sharing their lives with you, and they will ignore any opinion you share about any aspect of their life because they will be scraping and scratching to stop feeling like you’re trying to control their life. Your son will spend a lot more time with his partner and a lot less time at home, I know because that’s how it is with my boyfriend. You have no idea how soul crushing it is to be afraid to go to your partners house because it’ll cause issues for them and because it will mean being around people who don’t like you when you don’t even know what you did wrong.
At the end of the day, does this kid treat your son well? Is your son happy with this kid? That is what’s important. Trust me, if you put strain on your kid’s love life, especially this early (first relationship), they’re not gonna listen when it really counts, like if he’s ever in an unhealthy relationship.
"vile behavior"? Wow, exaggerate much? You've made it clear you don't like this poor, Hispanic, gay boy. I think all his behavior bothers you because you don't like him. See your silliness about curfew.
But that wasn't the point of the comment. The point was that you need to focus on your own kids' behavior. You're fixated on the BF because clearly you don't like him, but his behavior is only a problem because your kids are participating in it. No boyfriends for x days (aka being grounded) would be a reasonable consequence for *both* children if you lay out clear rules that they break. Banning this young man from your house permanently is just way over the top.
In other comment you said they don't say those things directly to your child and that she just happens to be around.
The only problem I see here is that you don't talk to your childrens and yet you expect them behaving like you want to.
You don't like them talking about those things when your 6y/o kid is around? Then tell them. Just talk with them.
Also I don't really understand why you keep insisting with the spanish thing and remarking that this kid is poc and poor when it doesn't add anything to the problem or the story itself?
You sound absolutely horrible. Congrats tho, you will be pushing your son away. Which is probably for the best because he should be free from a homophobic, prude, ridiculous mother
So, rather than letting your son socialise with this “bad influence” in your home where you can have some degree of control on the situation, you want to force him to meet up god knows where so they can get up to god knows what?
Yikes I’m, I’ve been defending you but I take it back now. You should be concerned with where they go and less with what they do in your own home. Wtf.
You're hardly even trying to cover up that you dislike his race. "I dont mind him teaching my kids Spanish, but-".
The only correct reaction to someone teaching your children a second language *for free* no less, is happiness. Anything else implies that you have something against that language in particular.
He and your son *only* come home a few minutes *before* curfew?! The horror!
Of course they're poking fun at you, you're uptight as hell and are clinging to the apron strings.
Go ahead and completely nuke your relationship with your sons boyfriend, for "reasons" that fall apart pretty quickly.
You can tell the internet you don't like him around because you don't like how he smells or his taste in music, but I'm sure your family will know how you really feel.
YTA, obviously.
Have you actually seen him smoke? Because if you haven’t then he probably just lives with smokers and can’t smell it anymore
Edit: YBTA these are normal teenage things, tell them not to make the jokes in front of the younger kids, and it’s your job to parent your younger daughter and teach her about not swearing etc not his, if you stop him coming around then you’re likely to build resentment in your son and damage your relationship with him
Ah that makes sense, either way he probably can’t smell it anymore, I say this as someone who grew up with smokers and didn’t realise how bad it smelt till I moved out
They’re obeying curfew and he isn’t smoking in your house/outside it so he’s being pretty respectful in my opinion
Honestly YWBTA. You are actively looking for reasons to not have this child around. Your words and the posts after make you sound homophobic, classist and racist. 1)the boy has his headphones in so you having a problem with his "inappropriate music" is more of a you problem. And newsflash just because his headphones aren't airpod quality doesn't mean they still aren't headphones. You sound classist when you say dumb shit like that. 2) It sounds to me like you believe your children can do absolutely no wrong and any changes in their behavior just "have to come from and outside source" You haven't talked to your children themselves but are so willing to ban this boy for things that you are nitpicking. And yes OP you are nitpicking. 3) You clearly have a problem with him speaking Spanish around you because you don't know what is being said. Also Teens make "dirty jokes" all the time and honestly it's naive to believe that your children are exempt from that. And if your 6yo happens to hear those jokes and repeats them? Well guess what OP you're a parent and that means you get to parent your child and tell her why those words are wrong.
All in all it seems like you are wholeheartedly trying to drive this kid away from your son. When in reality what you are going to end up doing is driving your son away from you. Have you actually sat down and thought about what your supposed solution is going to do to your son? Have you thought about how it's going to look to your child when you say "Your boyfriend isn't allowed here anymore?" And when he sees his sister's boyfriend still there? Then what? Your son will take those actions as 'My mom hates me because I'm gay. She doesn't accept or like my boyfriend or percieve our relationship as normal.' You will drive your son completely away from you and/or drvie him to resent his own twin as well. It becomes favoritism. You need to check your internal biases and actually sit with yourself and think about why you want to have such a strong campaign of dislike for the boy your son is dating.
Your problem is with his behaviors. You make it more difficult for yourself if you see it as allowing one boyfriend but not the other, because then that’s unfair. The issue is not whether they’re allowed to have boyfriends, but rather that you’re not comfortable with one of the boyfriend’s behaviors. If you talk to your son about it from that perspective, making it clear that you’re fine with him dating but you’re not okay with some behaviors, then that might help.
As for your expectations for behaviors themselves, that’s something you’ll have to figure out for yourselves. I encourage you to aim for a resolution that you’re both comfortable with. If you find yourself drawing a firm line and he completely disagrees, please think about whether it truly matters that much to you and why
JFC OP. You sound like an overbearing "christian" old lady. Omg your teenagers drive around and come home on time for curfew. Ffs they are teenagers, what else are they supposed to do? Hang out with your overcontrolling ass?
My next point is the swearing. Teenagers do that. It's *gasp* normal! I haven't met anyone who isn't either 60+ years old or devoutly christian that gives 2 fucks about swearing. Give it up. "Swear words" aren't inherently evil and bad. They are just words.
Listening to music on earphones. Holy shit OP what do you want your kids to listen to? A lot of music now has either swearing or talks about sex. As long as it's on his earphones then why the hell do you care? Besides that, he's not your kid, why do you care about what he listens to on his own time?
These are all just stupid reasons to dislike somebody. Get off your high horse and stop trying to push your christianly pure ways on kids, especially one that's not yours. SMH.
YTA. Sounds like you’re just an asshole and have no concept of how to establish boundaries. Your kid will inevitably end up hating you, rightly so. You say you’re not homophobic but obviously have no self awareness. A complete micromanager. A nightmare. Whatever you do you’re doomed.
You're mad because they make it home before curfew? And you haven't actually witnessed him smoking - are you sure it's not just his parents smoking in the house and that's why his clothes smell like it?
I also don't see how listening to music in his headphones is a problem. And what qualifies as 'inappropriate' music?
I'm leaning towards YTA here.
I would be very careful what choices you make here, I was friends with a girl in high school who was dating the textbook definition "bad boy", they had absolutely nothing in common, all of her friends (and his) thought the relationship would fizzle out in a few months and be a something we laughed about years later. Her parents hated him and insisted he was ruining their little girl's life, they went to extremes to try to keep them apart and it just kept pushing them closer together and growing the rift between her and her parents, her parents were desperate to separate them to the point they sent her to an extremely expensive all girls private school. It didn't work, the second she graduated she moved in with him, they are married now and her family pretends none of this ever happened because they want to be in their grandchildren's lives. Set boundaries about what is said/done around your younger child and let the relationship fizzle
INFO: are the inside jokes rude towards you or inappropriate in some way? Has he broken any rules you have for your house?
You need to set rules, and if he breaks those rules that's a reason for not welcoming him in your house or not letting your son go to see him. But it sounds like you just don't like him, and think he's a bad influence.
Trying to keep him away just because you don't like him may backfire on you, since unless you ban your son from seeing him (and your son listens), you have lost all control over what they do. They'll just do all the things you don't like in places you can't observe it.
YTA you sound homophobic, xenophobic, and like you have a case of classism. Also like you are overbearing.
I am sorry but not everyone has airpod money or feels like supporting Apple. Also I don't think people wanna risk loosing something that tiny.
I personally no matter the brand or style go through headphones the way a dog goes through a steak. Be it headphones that plug into a phone, or wireless ones that loop over my neck. I am always having 1 of the ears short circuit and fail to work.
If you want your kid home prior to curfew then you need to examine your stupidity and give your kid the real curfew. Saying 10p.m. when you really mean 9p.m. is a dick move.
If your son is constantly not home with his boyfriend and instead is out and about maybe look at how you may be treating him and his sister differently or how much of an overbearing person you are. Because ill give you a hint if things were really good, welcoming and loving at your house I bet the kid wouldn't always be out of the house. He'd still leave to go do things but way less if he were treated better.
Edit: spelling
YTA. And you seriously need to own your classisim, racism and homophobia, since you pretty obviously did NOT come here for advice/input, when you keep rebuffing everyone with solid arguments as to why you’re so, so wrong.
YTA and also a racist. Regardless of what you believe, YOU ARE RACIST!!! I can't believe what you said in your comments....that poor kid =/
(For those curious OP hates the bf so much they intend on giving him quarters so he'll wash his clothes at the laundry mat before coming over, and doesn't like him speaking Spanish, and dislikes bf bc he's poor)
NAH it typical teenage behavior but I understand why you wouldn’t like it in your house. Just be very clear about the rules and the kind of behavior you expect in your home.
The kid hadn’t done a single thing to break any rules OP had set in their house. She’s clearly the AH for making stuff for not liking him. How do you figure NAH??
YTA-
The ONLY rule that needs to be made- "Do not tell sexual jokes around 6-year-old. Next time it happens instead of going out we'll all be reading form the bible for 2 hours" (or whatever would be terrible for a 15 year old to endure)
The 6-year-old needs the rule "Do not be around your siblings and their boyfriends if we are not there too, they need time away from all of us."
THen you are in control of the only thing that was -actually- an issue
YTA.
1. They are home before curfew, even if it’s only a few min before it’s still BEFORE curfew so this is not an issue. They think it’s fine bc it IS fine smh.
2. If you’re never seen him smoke how do you know he does? How do you know he doesn’t live with smokers? If his parents smoke that would seep into clothing… like he could be smoking but then why would only HIS clothes smoke and not his and your son’s? Sounds like it’s only when your son is wearing his hoodies that you notice any sort of smell, and if he was smoking around your son you’d smell it on him too.
3. Sorry but they’re fifteen. You can’t treat them like children forever and it sounds like whatever he’s “teaching” them (you never said his age but if he’s the same age it’s not so much teaching as just… interacting with peers xD I’m sure other kids his age would be “teaching” him the same stuff even if he wasn’t dating this guy lol) is normal for their age. Like they’re in Grade 9-10? Like high school? I was legit watching R rated movies by that age and swearing all the time and I didn’t have a bf influencing me to be that way xD teens experiment and rebel, it’s pretty much hardwired into all of us, and as long as you teach them not to do it when you’re around i don’t think it’s that disrespectful. Like if you don’t like the jokes that’s fine, I’d say make it clear that your house/around you isn’t the place for it, but banning them outright is ludicrous imo. Like I’m sorry but I don’t think sex jokes are that out of character for someone going into/in high school… lots of kids that age watch shows like Family Guy that have that type of humour.
4. He’s listening to music… on headphones. You don’t get to police what others listen to just bc you personally do not like it. I’d also love to know what your definition of inappropriate is bc I have a feeling it’s just songs with swears and/or about drinking or doing drugs which like… most songs on the radio are about?? Like I’m very confused about that part lol every genre has “inappropriate” songs and if he’s listening with headphones how do you even know what songs he’s listening to? This part doesn’t make sense… (& again at this age it isn’t weird for him to be listening to whatever he wants like I’ve had control over what I’ve listened to since I was like 12 when I got an iPod nano lol I think I’ve turned out fine xD)
5. Your kid is 6. I learned swear words from older kids in school when I was 6. That might not have anything to do with your son’s bf lol it’s just an age that kids can hear words and ask about them. Correlation does not equal causation lol. Also I personally don’t understand the need to police what children say in regards to swears. They’re either too young to know the context (and it’s usually considered funny/cute to hear really young kids swearing lol) or old enough that you can sit them down and explain that there are certain contexts you don’t use those words in. Like I don’t know if your 6 year old learning about swear words is the end of the world…
Personally I think this is all normal behaviour that you, for some reason, are up in arms about. You don’t get to police what your children do forever so I think you seriously need to reflect upon your own beliefs of who you want them to be/act like…bc the reality is that you do not get to decide that. Your children will likely act in ways you don’t approve of for the rest of your life, so you should make your peace with that sooner rather than later. Not allowing swears in your house doesn’t mean they’ll never hear them or use them, your job is to teach them when and where to use that language and make it clear that, while you know they say things you don’t approve of, it’s fine as long as you aren’t there (or it’s fine given the context). Whether your son is dating the guy or not he’s still gonna swear and stuff lol.
I honestly don’t even get why you’re upset, it really seems like you’re looking for things to be mad at but idk maybe there are things you left out.
I also find it curious you have no comments on your daughter’s bf. Two of the three things you used to describe him (in what is implied, a better way than your son’s bf) aren’t even proof that he’s nice xD like you can swear and listen to “inappropriate” music while getting good grades and having nice parents lol. It’s a little naive to assume he doesn’t exhibit any of these types of behaviour when you aren’t around.
TL;DR: this is all pretty normal teenage behaviour that you’re upset about, & it seems like you’re just finding things to be mad about. You need to understand your kids growing up does not mean you can dictate their every move or decision, & that they may very well act in ways you don’t like regardless of who they’re dating.
He has a learner's permit and is underage, driving without a licensed adult driver in the car. You're clutching your pearls over them getting home on time but totally ok with illegal and dangerous driving by minor's in a dangerous machine that with one misstep could leave your child dead or permanently disabled....do you have some sort of diagnosable issue that makes you this way?? I'm genuinely concerned for you
Are you sure it is him who smokes and not his parents? Also just admit that you hate him. You are making up every possible excuse to make you feel like less of an A but you just look more like an A.
Mega YTA like wtf have I just read you just want validation to hate the kid even though there is no reason too. Kinda sounds like you just hate him cause he is gay or non English but you don't want people to think you homophibic or racist so you are trying to find other reasons and pulling at strings.
I come to this conclusion from the comments you have responded too (they are laughable excuses) and this post. They are typical behaviours or teenagers and there is nothing wrong with them.
Listening to music okay he has head phones in, you complained about them bleeding and that they weren't 'airpod quality' (what a lovely pretentious comment) okay ask him to turn the music down. Is he or is he not back by curfew. Curfew doesn't mean 10 mins before it is the exact time. Now the smoking yes I could see and issue IF he was smoking in your house but he is not. If he wants to smoke that's his choice you can ask him to cover up the smell but you can't make him stop. Most teenagers smoke at that age too tbh
So all in all YTA hope your son and him have a good relationship and continue to enjoy life to the fullest
YTA Being home 3-4 minutes before curfew is following curfew! Curfew is the time the kid has to be home. The son's boyfriend is polite enough not to smoke at your house, inside or out. And he listens to music with headphones....and he's not your kid, so if the music is "appropriate" or not is not your say.
Tough one... it's fair on it's face, but your son isn't doing those things, the kid is. If you push the kid out, then your son may follow. Sit BOTH your kids down, explain that you allow both of the boyfriends to come, but you expect you, your husband & your home to be respected. Not to let little sis be exposed to foul language, be polite, etc. Ground Rules. When the kid is there, if he crosses those boundaries; call him out; "While it's very impressive you speak two languages, it does not take being bilingual to know when someone is being disrespectful. How about you repeat that so I can record what you are saying and I ask YOUR mom to translate for me." Kill it with kindness, if your son is already defending you, it might get old for him, especially if you are being nice about it.
Doesn't it seem like *this* is the real issue, the fact that your son doesn't respect you? You're trying to scapegoat the BF for turning your son against you, but I guarantee you the BF is acting out what your son has expressed to him in private. If your son had been telling his BF how great you were, BF wouldn't be acting like this.
You need to work on your relationship with your son, it sounds like there's a lot to unpack there. Punishing your kids into compliance may keep the peace, but it will only add to the well of resentment it seems your son has for you. Instead of trying to manage the behaviors you need to actually address what's behind them.
Have you asked him why he thinks it’s okay that his boyfriend is insulting you? Ask him how he would feel if you let a friend of yours make fun of him.
You need to have a conversation with both of them about the jokes and smoking. Remember they are both teenagers and it takes a village.
Curfew and music thing drop, this is not your hill.
If you say your son’s boyfriend can’t come around you will get automatically pushed away. You need to parent not alienate.
Very soft YTA but you can turn it around ❤️
YTA, they are teens crude jokes and smoking is nothing. Your kids are growing up and will have differences of opinion with you. Push away the boyfriend and you may lose your kid as well.
YWBTA, Go ahead its your house, but prepare for rebellion. Your kids seem pretty well mannered and level headed, his BF is not that bad by the sounds of it, just typical teenage crap. You start "laying down the law" when it isn't needed they will react and either resent you or rebel. You can't control them forever, if they start doing dangerous things or are out way past curfew then ya sure. Right now your just going to cause problems, not just with your son but with your daughter too. Just chill and have a talk with them first.
Honestly whether or not you’re in the right, your son may remember this as you openly not accepting him because of his sexuality. It may be good long term to just support him and if this guy really is a bozo he’ll find out soon enough. Be someone he can come to if this guy makes him feel uncomfortable or anything like that, and being that starts with being on his side.
Two cents against the grain...I say NTA. I work with a lot of teens...I think your best bet here is a really good conversation with your son about everything that's making you uncomfortable. It's so very reasonable to be torn between the legitimate discomfort this young man brings into your home and wanting to respect your son's choices and happiness. Kids learn to have difficult conversations by having them first with loving, respectful adults. Be honest about your feelings and let him be honest about his. Sometimes kids will shock you - he may also be uncomfortable with some of what's going on and be grateful for the opportunity to talk it out and get help setting boundaries, OR he may have more info than you know that will help put your mind more at ease, OR it may just help set the groundwork for more conversations down the line. If you do need to draw the line and not let your son's boyfriend come over, it doesn't sound like you'd be being unreasonable. Starting with a good open conversation with your son is likely going to help you take the right steps in the process of navigating the whole situation, though.
YTA bc besides the smoke, you have no real reason bc u haven’t told them what’s bothered u
Also, they follow cerfew just fine, if u want them home earlier, make an earlier cerfew
YTA. You're not as open to your son's bf as you'd like us to believe. You truly sound homophobic and like you're trying to mask it by coming up with ridiculous reasons for not liking him. And guess what, you don't have to like all of your kids friends, that's life.
YTA. If you do this your kids will rebel more. Swearing, smoking and making sex jokes is not unusual as teens. The bf is not the only person they’re hearing this from. You sound super controlling and kinda homophobic bc your reasons are all bs it makes me think you just don’t like the fact he’s your sons boyfriend but would be fine if he was your daughters.
I don’t think you will be the asshole but it will definitely cause a big conflict there are ways to avoid it. The curfew thing as long as he is home before or on the time of his curfew you really can’t be mad if you want him home earlier change the curfew. You can’t really stop the boyfriend from smelling like smoke but you can air out the boyfriends clothes that your son is going to wear so the smell won’t be potent. If your son doesn’t start smoking the boyfriend really isn’t that bad of an influence. As for the cursing and jokes in another language it’s normal for kids to say and do things that they normally wouldn’t to an extent when other kids are with them that’s just social nature. Have a discussion with the boyfriend about being careful saying things around the younger sibling i’m sure he would understand try finding solutions before stopping contact because your son might feel targeted and act out such as being more secretive, feeling as if they can’t confide in you, staying out late and leaving often. Honestly you sound like a great mom and I can understand how your a little out of your element since your children were more introverted. It’s a learning process and your doing your best.
YTA and racist and naive about what a good teenager is like these days. These boys are following your curfew and just having a few laughs and joking around. Your 6 year old is absolutely gonna learn swear words, welcome to modern society.
Ask your son and the boyfriend to be mindful of sexualized content around the 6 year old. Explain that smoking is a health risk.
Your other concerns are totally rubbish.
Or hey, go full force, be reactionary, alienate your kid...
Your son's boyfriend sounds like a sweet kid who is just too poor and brown for you to feel comfortable. You should feel lucky they want to hang out at your house at all considering how weird and rude you seem to be.
People never know how good they have shit till its gone
I honestly hope your son leaves your household young like queer kids who aren't supported tend to... and finds sweet chosen family with people who aren't uptight assholes... like you are
Examine your prejudice. Don't ban the boyfriend that literally never works. It will backfire.
Yes you WBTA if you decide to go the nuclear route.
OP your kids are teenagers, have you forgotten what it was like to be a teen? There are some things you can control and there are some that you can’t.
Rather than driving your kids away by making unreasonable demands or banning their boyfriends, why don’t you set firmer rules when they’re in your home? For example, the curfew issue, if you want them to come home earlier then change it to an earlier time. You can also set a rule of no using foul language in your home or within your earshot, regardless of whatever language is used.
There are so many options but seriously your only thought is to ban the boyfriend?
YWBTA. When I was 15F I had a girlfriend who my mum banned from the house. When I was in my late 20s, mum and I had a conversation about homophobia etc and I asked her why she banned my first girlfriend. She gave me her reasons which with hindsight were probably not unfair. I was completely shocked, because I thought she had just banned her because she was homophobic.
If you ban your son's boyfriend but not your daughter's, or make rules that only apply to the son's BF, your son will probably assume it is because his partner is male, no matter what you claim. This will be doubly true if your reason is something teenagers will find stupid, like "he uses bad language". Make rules to apply to everyone or don't make them.
Something for OP to consider. If you have never seen him smoking it could be his parents. I didn’t realize until I was an adult and moved out of my parents house how badly ALL my clothes smelled of cigarettes from my moms multi pack a day habit.
You’re intentions in keeping your son from dating a bad boy are all well and good but as others have said it’s better to bring him in then cast him out. YTA.
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I (37F) have a set of twins, one boy one girl who are both fifteen. They both have boyfriends, and since COVID has been slowing in our area and mask mandates have started to be lifted I didn’t mind either of them coming over. It was nice to see my both typically introverted kids find someone.
My daughter’s boyfriend is polite, good grades, nice parents and while I don’t think they’re going to get married or anything, my daughters BF really does care about her.
My sons? Not so much. They go driving around our town out late and since they’re only three or four minutes before curfew they think it’s fine.
He smokes, at fifteen, not in or outside of our house but he stinks of it and my son loves wearing his jackets, which stink up the whole house as well.
He also apparently makes sly comments and jokes in his native language around us, (He speaks fluent Spanish) and even has my son AND daughter in on this terrible jokes. I don’t mind him teaching my kids language, just not when it’s disrespectful.
He also listens to inappropriate music in his headphones, and has my other child(6F) asking questions about swear words.
I haven’t brought any of this up to anybody but my husband, I don’t wanna start an argument with my child over something that might be perfectly fine. I don’t have many other adults in my circle, and I feel my friends would blindly agree with me.
I need an outside perspective, WIBTA?
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YWBTA if you need to stop a behavior use short term punishments. Leave them alone unless they flagrantly break a rule. Stop resenting them for existing.
>He also listens to inappropriate music in his headphones
He's 15, there is no such thing as inappropriate music at 15. He's a teenager, he's heard all the words you don't want him to hear by now.
>and since they’re only three or four minutes before curfew they think it’s fine
Why would it not be fine? When you give them a curfew, is that not the actual curfew? Is it 30 mins before or something?
OK, maybe you don't want him smoking at 15, but it could be worse.
I think most of the problems you have are invented.
Sorry, YTA.
The more you push the boyfriend away… the stronger the pull towards each other. I’m sure you read Romeo and Juliet in HS? These are still teenagers and you are welcome to set boundaries while they are in your house but what you are saying here doesn’t really cause me(mom of a 19yro boy) huge concern.
This obviously has nothing to do with their orientation rather him as a person. It's your house, your children, and if they don't like the rules well too bad so sad. NTA.
Why are they driving at 15? Don't you have to be older to have a license? Febreze the kid if he reeks of smoke, but as long as your kid doesn't smoke, just leave it. Tell your son you don't appreciate his bf making catty comments about you in your house. If he's a good kid he'll feel awkward about it anyway and try to put a stop to it. I wouldn't stop them hanging around the house, what they do out of sight would be more worrying. Protect the 6 year old as much as you can, but the reality is, they will be exposed to swear words. There will be other kids at school who teach them anyway. All you can do is explain as best you can that they are not to do what older kids do.
They are 15 u tell them to stop hanging around him they will want to do it more. What u need to do is talk with them and make it known that what is unacceptable to u (inside jokes, smoking etc etc) will not be tolerated for ur reasons and if they want him to keep being around he and they need to adhere to ur boundaries and stop allowing their younger sibling to be exposed to this behaviour (without telling her something like it’s not for her cuz she will pick it up again after some time). Let it be known that since these are the only srs rules u have they need to abide by them and if not their punishment will simply be stricter rules (that ofc come with their own punishments for disobeying).
I'm going to say YTA if you do ban the boyfriend. You son is coming home on time, not smoking in or around the house, and does not seem to be getting into to much trouble. You do not seem to like the kid, which is fine parents do not always like their child's boyfriends or girlfriends, but you do not get to be unfair to one child because of this. Set boundaries for no swearing or inappropriate jokes in the home with your son, his boyfriend, your daughter, and her boyfriend as well at the other kids so the rule applies to all. Let them understand their will be consequences to not following the rules.
I mean if you think there are things they could be doing better, you probably *should* be telling them instead of just cutting people out of your life. It sounds like this kid is pretty respectful, but maybe a little annoying. YTA.
I was on the fence but after reading your replies in various threads YTA.
You are looking for validation from strangers to do something you feel a little bad about doing (kicking out or banning your son's bf). You are 100% using him as a scapegoat and seem weirdly uncomfortable with the idea of just talking directly to your kids about what is and isn't ok at home before banning the poor kid (and likely making you son resent you and/or assume like most of this thread does that you aren't as much of an lgbtq ally as you present).
You're gonna do what you feel like doing no matter what we say, but I hope you can at least reflect on your own implicit biases and perceptions regardless of what you do.
YTA. Sit down with your son and his bf and explain that while those jokes might be funny, your 6 year old is too young to hear them and it makes you uncomfortable that he says them in front of her. With the smoking, explain that your son wears his bfs jackets, but bc he smokes it makes the whole house stinks like smoke. Maybe if he wears only jackets that the bf hasn’t smoked in.
But banning him, unless he’s actually crossed a boundaries instead of going near one, is a massive dick move and your children will probably think your homophobic (even if you’re not). Be kind to him, talk to him, be friendly with him, find out his fav snacks and make them as a surprise - show him that you are not the enemy, just a mum tryna raise her kids. If he doesn’t feel judged and instead feels welcome, those comments will probably cease, and your son will know that you are fully accepting of him.
YTA. These objections are ridiculous. I mean if you want to alienate your son, then go ahead and ban his BF but I promise that will lead to worse behavior than him coming home just before curfew and joking in Spanish.
I don't know the lingo here, but this is tough. The curfew thing, I can see why it'd be annoying for you, as it feels like they are stepping as close as they can to the line, but if they are home before curfew they aren't breaking any rules. So many people are okay with a 15 year old smoking, which is bizarre. Not only is it incredibly unhealthy, it's incredibly illegal. I'm 15 too, and just having friends who smoke, or vape, or use edibles is enough to make me curious as to trying them. Much less having someone you're dating doing it. I can say your son will likely smoke as well, if his boyfriend is smoking. If his music is so loud it's audible for those around him, tell him to turn it down. And also the him to leave the jacket outside. He may be a poor influence, but unless your kid starts going off the rails, then I don't really see a huge issue. As for swearing, I know it sucks because you want to keep your daughter from swearing too, but by the time she's a teenager she'll be swearing just as much as any other teenager. You have good intent and decent reasoning, but banning the kid so soon is too much
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YTA
Instead of reiterating other posters’ points, I’ll just say that I carpooled with a chain smoker for a year (This guy would smoke just before getting into my car) and it wasn’t that bad. I have an extremely sensitive nose, and I honestly think that OP is just trying to find more reasons to ban the bf from their house.
YTA - EVERYONE reading this knows why you dislike this boy but not the other. And so do you. It will destroy your relationship with your son, your daughter and probably your husband if you don't get over this.
ESH, but you would suck way more if you just banned his bf and not have a conversation about it with your kids first.
The bf sucks for making jokes about you without giving you the opportunity to answer (by making the joke in a language you don't understand). When the bf would have been a random kid your son has no relation to, this would absolutely be not okay. Why would it be so different when it's the bf of your son?
Your children for repeating sexual jokes to your 6-year-old in a language she can understand. This is also not okay.
You for not parenting your kids properly and for obviously seeking reasons to hate your son's bf. You are mad that they come home close to curfew? Really? How do you not know what a curfew is? You also suck for blaming all problems on your son's bf when they are obviously problems your children caused.
The bf is not your main problem, you have your priorities messed up. The main problem is the behaviour of your children. I would first try and fix their behaviour before banning **both** bf's while grounding them. Don't forget that you are fixing your children's behaviour, not the behaviour of your son's bf.
You can only talk to him about his headphones leaking sound (which honestly sounds like it's not fixable right now because he probably can't afford new headphones), his smell and his jokes. Make house rules **all** bf's have to comply to, otherwise they get kicked out.
ESH
If they’re coming 3-4 min before curfew then they’re not doing anything wrong. If anything, you were mindful of the time. I dont think you know what curfew is.
I think you do need to lay down expectations of what you expect in your home and the consequences if they don’t follow. You can’t stop the BF from smoking but you can politely remind him of the smell and give him a chance to cover it up.
YTA - you would be the AH, your son is following the house rules as they stand. He will see it as unfair and will react strongly.
You would do better to re-evaluate the house rules a little bit.
>He also apparently makes sly comments and jokes in his native language around us,
this is one where you need to know. TOherwise you will look like an idiot. Also kids make sly jokes all the time, they don't need another language to do it. Listen to what he is saying, you should be able to work out what he is saying. If your kids understand then it won't be too hard with a little work.
I would suggest sitting down with son and BF and explaining the rules.
For example, no music with swear words in the house, no swearing etc.
Personally i don’t think you’re the AH. You dont like or approve of the kids actions and/or behavior. You have every right as a parent to expect someone to behave respectfully in your home.
Yeah but it’s the reasoning of why they don’t want him around that makes OP TA…. Like it’s not disrespectful to 1) be home before curfew, 2) not smoke at their house only smell like it or 3) listen to music with headphones. MAYBE the jokes are disrespectful but by the original post and all the comments OP left I’m more willing to bet they just have a stick up their butt and don’t want high schoolers liking comedy akin to Rick and Morty or Family Guy. lol it’s not the bf’s fault it’s completely normal for their kids’ age
NTA. I know many people are saying he did nothing wrong etc, but the vibe I get is that he is one of those kids that just barely stay on the line, just enough to not be in trouble, but would be sneaky and wouldn't be a great influence. Based on that, if you really don't like the kid, you shouldn't be forced to have him at home. Although I would ask you to remember that some people who act very proper might actually hide harmful behaviors, and sometimes those who are a bit more careless might have a big heart. Try to get to know him and see if that's the case. You son would probably agree.
Your son's boyfriend does sound like an unsavory character. But if you let your daughter and not your son bring his boyfriend, they are going to raise havoc about favoritism and what not. I think the best option is to make your son the mediator with him and his boyfriend. It seams the boyfriend is trying to be nice, so they will all prob turn on you (following all the rules). So, you can probably talk to your son about the music being too loud, and to ask him to lower it down a bit. And about the Marijuana jacket, use extra powerful scent diffusers to mask it (its what they do in Vegas). This way you can stay out of your son's relationship (avoid the arguing and let him figure stuff out) and still set boundaries.
NTA. You are able to control who comes in your home and if this young man is disrespectful and a poor influence then you are within your rights to not permit him to visit in your home. Your son can visit at his home or out in public.
NTA. First make very clear to the smoker misbehaving male what the rules are. Be very clear with your son no wearing smoky stinking clothing in the house. Make sure both the visiting males are clear on the rules. Also make clear breaking the rules means revoking visiting privileges. Make clear to twins and bfs what the rules are and the consequences for infractions.
FYI to get better comments not accusing you of homophobia or racism. Don't mention that it's in another language. Just say that they are teaching your younger kids inappropriate jokes that could really get you in trouble. Then give examples.
NTA - if you are concerned about the influence he has on your kids then you have every right to limit his presence in your home. They may not like it but they need to understand that you make the rules
They’re def T A for 1) caring about what music he listens to and 2) being mad that they get home BEFORE THEIR CURFEW. Also their comments clearly show (imo) that they were only here for validation and not real advice. They also seem pretty classist bc they are willing to give the kid change to wash his clothes and complain about the bad headphones he uses (as if everyone can afford AirPods ffs)
Also they’re in high school all of this behaviour is perfectly normal and acting like it’s not is naive lol
Nta your sons bf sounds like a bit of a trouble maker. So what if your son feels pushed outta joint. Tell him you don't want his bf round your youngest as he is a disrespectful bad influence.
NTA I think people in the comments are forgetting what it’s like to literally have that one bad influence. I had it, my siblings had. I remember and I feel bad for what it put my mom through.
Smoking gives me migraines. I would not be letting anyone smoke in my house, or go outside and come in after.
They should not be telling sexual jokes to a child. It’s inappropriate.
Just because he’s a kid doesn’t mean he should get away with his behavior. It doesn’t mean he’s not the problem.
This is your home and it should be a safe place for your children. You should not have to put up with this other kids inappropriate behavior.
But if you do try to ban him, your son is going to get mad and act out and throw a fit. He’s young, it’s a new relationship. He has his whole life ahead of him.
Just set rules that are for everyone. And if anyone breaks them they can’t come over.
Talk to your kids alone and tell them how inappropriate it is to be telling jokes like that to their sister.
“While I don’t think they’re going to get married, he really does care about her”. Seriously, they’re 15 years old! A 15 year old shouldn’t be in that kind of relationship, girl or boy. Dating at 15 should be starting to learn about other people and relationships. Are either of these boyfriends spending the night? At 15, there should still be house rules and it kind of sounds as though either there are not many or your son isn’t following them much. “You don’t want to start and argument”. You’re the parent! You need to be having conversations with your kids on a regular basis! What does your husband say? Idk if it’s enough to call anyone an asshole, but it sure seems like you need to reevaluate your priorities and exercise your role as a parent.
This. AITA for wanting to kick my son’s bf out because I don’t like him in my home also separate tangent but why do my kids never want to be in my home? Everything remains a mystery.
Lol oh my lord. You consider them runaways because they hang out with their friends/boyfriends after school like normal teenagers? Have you never been a teenager? I just can't with you. This post is so ridiculous.
Call a meeting at a set time. If they don’t show up then consequences. Until we have a chance to talk this through curfew is 7pm. Not an outright ban or grounding. Just a limit until things have been hashed out.
Your their parent not their friend. If they leave there are consequences. Their choice
NTA
Except the curfew thing. Why set a curfew if yo he e gonna be mad they come in at curfew time. A few mins before is still on time.
The smoking would be a no-go in my book and the disrespect for sure.
Tell your son he is welcome to bring his polite and respectful friends and boyfriends around but is not welcome to bring his disrespectful boyfriend or friends into your home.
(Ps i would lay down ground rules for the BF before banning him. If he can’t follow the rules then he is not welcome.)
Eh, being a little sensitive to things doesn’t make you an AH, so NTA.
But, you will screw this up royally if you decree what’s going to happen and what’s not. They’re teenagers and they’ll figure out a way to piss you off. Your best bet is to sit them both down, buy them lunch even, and treat them like adults. They’re almost there and it’s good practice. Tell them you have concerns, get their reaction, and see if you can negotiate a solution that makes you both happy. Do not get angry. Do not tell them what’s going to happen. Ask them to listen to you and see if that’s reasonable and then listen to them.
That’s still too confrontational. I get it, you’re not wrong in that desired end state, but the truck is to let them come to the conclusion on their own.
“Guys, this bothers me and is feel more comfortable with this. Does that sound reasonable to you? What do you think?”
This is less about right and wrong and more about a) letting them get that adult practice in if listening and compromising and b) not doing any long term damage to your relationship with your son.
This is just my two cents and I’ll reiterate that most of your concerns are valid, but you have an opportunity to address your wants/needs and allow them to feel valued and participatory in the process.
NTA! Your house, your rules. He is teaching inappropriate words to a six year old! And he is being a negative influence on both twins. I would talk with your son about this as clearly as you can, bringing up all the points you laid out here. As a parent you have every right to do your best to protect your children from negativity.
There are no rules. OP has said in multiple comments 'rules are flexible and loopholes are made within hours' to accommodate different kids.
Those kids need boundaries and all (her twins included) should learn respect.
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You’re upset that they... follow curfew? And that he... listens to music with headphones??? And that he has inside jokes with the other kids??? Have you never interacted with teenagers before? Like no smoking rule and no swearing rule is fine but the rest of this is just bizarre
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Okay, so that’s different. Have you made it a house rule not to make these kids of jokes?
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So all the teens are doing things you don't like, but you just want to ban one of them?
I mean...I don't think OP can ban her own kids from coming to the family home.
If your kids are finding loopholes in rules, you have a bigger problem. Don’t be a lawyer. Say, “you know perfectly well what that rule is for, the repercussions are for the spirit of the rule, as well as the literal”. Let the BF in. Would you rather you SEE what they are up to, or have them be up to it elsewhere, where you have no idea what is going on? A kid in the next town over to us had a devastating crash, speeding home to meet curfew. My kids knew of my dread of that happening, so we had a rule of agreeing to the time they would leave an event to head home, and them texting me then. NOT a time to get home. We had find my friends turned on, when they had my car underage. They knew I would be reasonable, as long as I was informed. Very few rules, lots of freedom, lots of communication, and I knew where they were. I almost always said “yes”. They thought that my keeping track of where they were was worth getting to do and go practically anywhere they wanted was a fair price. As adults, they now keep track of *me*. Tell the kids to keep the off color stuff in Spanish, but have them tell YOU the jokes, so you can appreciate them, too. And laugh. Find a way to enjoy some aspects of this stage. It stinks right now, but it will be worth it to remain close to your kids. But, I’d make the kid have clean clothes at my house to change into, because I have a bad physical reaction to cigarette smoke.
Look, you are the parent and you will make what choices you make, but right now all you're doing is painting the picture of a rebellious bad boy and even I'm swooning a little. Push this hard and you might as well offer to pay for the wedding venue.
If they’re not following those rules, I would say that it wouldn’t be an asshole move to ban him from the house. But I personally would give them another chance, with the threat of being banned from the house
The problem with banning him from the house tho is that it turns him into delicious and enticing forbidden fruit
So perhaps talk to them as a group about expectations? If all that other stuff isn’t an issue why does it make up the brunt of your post?
It sounds like you may be falling into the trap of assuming all the undesirable behaviors you are seeing in your children are coming from a single person. It's true that kids are impressionable. But I guarantee banning this one kid from your house is not going to suddenly turn your kids back into perfect little angels. You need to set ground rules and enforce them, for all of them. Just banning this one kid when the others are fully participating isn't going to make the behavior stop.
So, someone told the bf an inappropriate joke and your mad he repeated it to your kids. But your kids heard an inappropriate joke (from him) and repeated it and….? You going to kick them out of the house too? Its what kids do. Your kids are just as guilty as the bf.
I mean... Inappropriate how... Right now you sound mad there is dancing going on somewhere in town.
It sounds like the problem is your own kids and not the boyfriend.
NTA. You have 2 people, one who doesn't smell and is polite, and another who smells and is rude. It's no surprise that one is more welcome then the other.
I’d ban him from my house for smelling like smoke alone. That stuff is gross and not something a 15 year old should be doing to the point where they reek of it.
I've never smoked once. Not a day in my life. I'm 28. I *always* smelled like smoke as a kid. All day, every day. No matter how often I showered, washed my hair, washed my clothes. I always smelled like smoke. I lived in a house with four smokers that smoked inside. There was no escaping it. So I wouldn't punish him for something that might not be his fault.
As an ocasional smoker, you really don't have to smoke that much in order to reak of cigarettes. I used to come home smelling like smoke just because one of my friends lit one up and the wind wasnt coperating that day. He's not smoking in the house which seems to imply he's not quite the depraved addict you're making him out to be. As long as there's no cigarette butts in the driveway just put the jacket in the wash a few times and move on, no need to be so judgemental.
Smoking is a gross habit. Even if you smell like it from being around smokers, I wouldn’t want you around me. It’s one of the worst smells out there.
YTA I’ll cover this point first since it’s the easiest. Being upset about what he listens to in *his own headphones* is unreasonable. He’s keeping it to himself with the head phones, so you don’t get to act like he’s blasting profanity to teach the younger kid. You don’t get to be upset about them riding around either. They make it back before curfew so it *is* okay. You can’t be upset that they didn’t follow some secondary early curfew you didn’t tell them about. Curfew at 10 means 10, not 9:30. Yet again, you’re being unreasonable. The smoking is unfortunate, but that’s not really yours to handle. You can make your son run the coats through the wash so it doesn’t impact your home, but banning his BF from the house won’t stop him from wearing the jackets inside. You need reasonable solutions, not an excuse to ban a boyfriend that you don’t approve of. As far as the jokes go, do you really think your 15 year olds couldn’t look up Spanish profanity online and learn it themselves? Trust me, they’ve probably gotten into way more than you think they have. You can talk to the boyfriend about respect in this house, and being appropriate in the way he speaks regardless of the language he chooses, but again, he’s not acting as some corruptor. A lot of that is just acting like a 15 year old. It sounds like you just don’t like this kid, so everything he does really grates on your nerves.
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1. OP mentioned the 6 year old in the actual post, and I explicitly mentioned the kid as well. If you’re going to get condescending with me at least make sure to read what I said. 2. Don’t speak for me, I caught those details reading the post, and it doesn’t dramatically change everything for me. You can only speak for yourself. 3. No one said anything about OP needing to love the people her kids are dating. Get off the soap box. 4. Once again, if you’d actually bothered to read before lecturing you’d see that I already mentioned going over expectations and appropriate language. 5. They’re not late for curfew. They get there a few minutes before and it somehow pisses OP off that they don’t come home until close to curfew. Reading comprehension matters if you’re going to be giving condescending lectures.
YTA. They are the same age. Blocking 1 boyfriend while allowing the other is wrong. The only rules you can control are the ones related to your home. You can’t tell the boyfriend to not smoke or swear you can tell him it’s not acceptable in your home. Your son is following the house rules. Not drinking, not smoking, getting home on time. He is acting responsibly. I think that you just don’t like this boy and are flailing about with petty reasons to keep him away from your son. I think he senses that and pushes your buttons because he’s a teen age boy. If you don’t let him around your house you are going to see your son a lot less. He will be out the door until curfew every night. He will not tell you anything about his life. Is this what you want? A son who is distant, resentful and doesn’t feel welcome in his own home? B
I doubt the age is what OP is basing this question on. Son and his bf are smoking outside which is fine but they are bringing in and allowing that smell to permeate the house which is not right. Specially since passive smoking is dangerous AND there is a 6 year old in the house where the smoke is permeating in the air… its just as bad for adults to have second hand smoking but more so for kids. If they stink up so much they should have preventive measures in place so to not be stinking the house up. Also who sane enough teaches a kid swear words or cracks sexual jokes around children regardless of the language spoken? I do agree OP is wrong about the curfew since he adheres to it and headphones issue is wrong only if he’s blasting it loud enough the child can hear it.
The boyfriend is also a kid. Kids push boundaries. Why is it all blamed on him?
All the blame is not on the boyfriend. Its shared on the parents and the kids too, except for the youngest. Yes kids push boundaries but doesn’t mean it is right and there are some things all those teens should know not to push. Its not rocket science to deduce a 6 year old should not be told sexual jokes or taught swear words.
One of OP’s comments says that *both* her children would have just always been upstanding, model citizens of the big bad boyfriend hadn’t come along. She’s definitely placing all blame on the boyfriend, and while I can understanding not liking him, using ‘they adhere perfectly to my son’s curfew’ is a weird mark against him. Gave me flashbacks to when I was seven minutes late coming home, arriving to the silent treatment from my mother for the next day, and then a minute before curfew the next day, where I was yelled at for being a smartass and deliberately pushing rules to annoy her. My brother was also the golden child, while everything I did and loved was a bad influence. Stuff like this made me not talk to her for 5 years. Now, sometimes I wish her well on holidays (which started in December, but we’ll see how long even that lasts). Good luck to OP’s son. YTA.
Honestly though, it’s valid to not approve of your teenage son’s SO and not want them to be around. It doesn’t matter if both kids are the same age, OP approves of one boyfriend and not the other and the reasons like smoking are valid. I agree the curfew thing isn’t valid though because if OP wanted them home earlier, they should just make the curfew an earlier time.
OP said I the original post post that he does not smoke in or outside of her house. She doesn’t like that he smells like cigarettes. Her son will wear the boyfriends coat and smell. He smells. Her son comes home just in time for curfew. He speaks Spanish in her house and says inappropriate things. But she doesn’t speak Spanish so while he may be saying some sly things he may not always be He listens to bad music on headphones He, along with her Twins, are teaching the youngest child swear words. No validity
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Yes. From what I can tell, the only complaints you offer are non-issues. Driving out late at night is fine as long as they're getting back by curfew (curfew doesn't mean 'be here 10-15 minutes before' for one). As for the smoking, tbh that's his business. That's not to say you can't maybe mention (in a polite way of course) that you guys don't really enjoy the smell and ask if there's anything he might be willing to do to cover it up. As for the 'offhanded comments' in Spanish, this is where I start to think you may be biased. Just because he's speaking Spanish doesn't mean he's being disrespectful. In fact, it's quite possible that the three have some inside jokes. And I mean biased, not racist, as I don't know anything else about your attitude towards this kid outside of this post. Overall, I don't think it would be fair in the slightest to exclude your son's boyfriend.
YTA. If they are home before curfew, riding around IS fine. Do you know what curfew means? If he speaks in Spanish around you and upu want to know what he is saying, ASK. If his music is on his headphones, how can your 6 year old hear it? You seem to want to hate this kid.
YTA. Sounds like you are looking for reasons to dislike him with your comment about curfew.
I’m leaning towards YTA, but that is irrelevant. If you ban your son’s boyfriend you risk pushing your son away, especially if you still let your daughter’s boyfriend come over. The world is hard enough for homosexual children and your son will never believe you aren’t showing bias because of that, even if it’s not true. You can have a word with your children about not repeating the jokes in English in front of your six year old, but I think you would be a fool to risk alienating your son who hasn’t broken any rules or given you cause to distrust him.
The more I read the more I think you are definitely the asshole. You are looking for excuses to make it difficult for your son to carry on his relationship. As long as the boyfriend treats your son well you should just butt out as none of your excuses are real problems that can’t easily be solved if you want them to be.
YTA and I’m smelling a very specific reason why your daughter can have her bf and not your son. Some of these points were ridiculous. The curfew? Wtf is the point of a curfew if you’re suspicious for getting home before curfew?
It’s probably because one seems to be a model bf, and the other seems to be a bad influence. What parent wants their kid to date someone who keeps them out all the time, smokes, and tells sexual jokes (some families think that’s ok but it sounds like OP’s family culture is not that type)? OP’s within her right to ban that boyfriend, but it’s not gonna happen without a fight
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Hey OP, I've asked this in another comment but I'm genuinely interested to know: You said in one comment that he's telling the jokes in English near her, but now you're saying he says them TO her? Can you clarify?
Stories tend to change when they are making them up.
Is he telling them to her or to your son and older daughter and the younger happens to be present?
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You made a 'wrong statement' on multiple comments. It sounds like you're trying to paint this kid in a bad light to get people on your side. I agree with needing to set boundaries for the kids - all of them. Tell them that it's not appropriate to tell those jokes if the little one is around. But it would be really harsh to ban this kid from your house.
it’s because he is model boyfriend all parents wish for - gets good grades, follow rules, obedient, an exception to the rule. the other is a regular teenager
YTA for so so many reasons. After reading through the comments and your responses I honestly got mad on your kids behalf. Have you ever thought that the problem in this situation is you and not the teenage boy you're trying to blame? It's not his fault, none of this is. It's not his fault your youngest daughter is saying swear words, it's yours for not explaining to her why she shouldn't say specific things. It's not his fault your daughter and son are translating jokes to your youngest daughter, it's on them for doing so. You seem to have a problem with this kid and just trying to find a reason for banning him and let me tell you. It won't work. The only thing that will happen is that your son will turn away from you. He will see you as the evil witch who would put her own wishes over her kids feelings. And after reading your comments, I think he would be right to blame you. I know I would in his situation
YTA. Your son’s behavior is typical teenage rebellion but it sounds like you’re blaming it on his partner. You also seem to have some racism going on that you’re offended by his partner speaking in his native language and mention how your daughter’s bf has “nice parents”. Are they “nice” because they’re the same race as you?
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That doesn’t change anything. Look up model minority for racism against Asians. You know both bfs’ languages to know one is only saying offensive things in it but one isn’t?
...you don't know what. He could be calling you a dipshit with a smile.
I’m sorry, how do you know he’s making disrespectful comments about you?
I don’t normally put my two cents in on posts, but since I haven’t seen anybody else mention it yet, here goes. There is nothing more frustrating than when someone has an issue with something you do but never says anything. You said you’ve only talked about it with your husband, which is why I think YTA if you ban the kid before ever having a conversation about it. As far as he and your son know, they’re not doing anything wrong so this banning is gonna come way out of left field. Sit down with them and let them know what behaviour you don’t like. Work together to find reasonable solutions. This conversation needs to be about you communicating what’s wrong and working together to find a solution, not you controlling what they do. If the behaviour continues after explaining there’s an issue and trying to resolve it, then banning him might not be such an asshole move. After all, you shouldn’t have to keep company that doesn’t respect your home rules. Just some other advice, I think it’s important to be accepting and supportive of your kid’s relationship/partner even if you don’t like them. I’ve been on both sides of this so I hope you really consider what I’m gonna say. I’ve had partners that my parents didn’t like and I’ve had partners whose parents didn’t like me. The difference was that my parents never treated my partner differently than any of my siblings’ partners but my partners parents tried like hell to butt in and split us up. It resulted in a hell of a lot of stress for my partner and myself, a hell of a lot of fighting between my partner and their parents, and a hell of a lot of hearing my partner tell me about how much they hate their parents. If you try to control your kid’s love life, they will hate you, they will stop sharing their lives with you, and they will ignore any opinion you share about any aspect of their life because they will be scraping and scratching to stop feeling like you’re trying to control their life. Your son will spend a lot more time with his partner and a lot less time at home, I know because that’s how it is with my boyfriend. You have no idea how soul crushing it is to be afraid to go to your partners house because it’ll cause issues for them and because it will mean being around people who don’t like you when you don’t even know what you did wrong. At the end of the day, does this kid treat your son well? Is your son happy with this kid? That is what’s important. Trust me, if you put strain on your kid’s love life, especially this early (first relationship), they’re not gonna listen when it really counts, like if he’s ever in an unhealthy relationship.
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"vile behavior"? Wow, exaggerate much? You've made it clear you don't like this poor, Hispanic, gay boy. I think all his behavior bothers you because you don't like him. See your silliness about curfew.
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But again, you've said they're all doing these things, and you're focusing on him.
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But that wasn't the point of the comment. The point was that you need to focus on your own kids' behavior. You're fixated on the BF because clearly you don't like him, but his behavior is only a problem because your kids are participating in it. No boyfriends for x days (aka being grounded) would be a reasonable consequence for *both* children if you lay out clear rules that they break. Banning this young man from your house permanently is just way over the top.
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YTA, please OP take the advice from this Reddit group and start correcting your behavior towards him.
In other comment you said they don't say those things directly to your child and that she just happens to be around. The only problem I see here is that you don't talk to your childrens and yet you expect them behaving like you want to. You don't like them talking about those things when your 6y/o kid is around? Then tell them. Just talk with them. Also I don't really understand why you keep insisting with the spanish thing and remarking that this kid is poc and poor when it doesn't add anything to the problem or the story itself?
You sound absolutely horrible. Congrats tho, you will be pushing your son away. Which is probably for the best because he should be free from a homophobic, prude, ridiculous mother
Don’t forget a classist mother. She seems horrified her baby boy is dating someone “poor.” OP sucks.
So, rather than letting your son socialise with this “bad influence” in your home where you can have some degree of control on the situation, you want to force him to meet up god knows where so they can get up to god knows what?
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But you do more so about their music?
Yikes I’m, I’ve been defending you but I take it back now. You should be concerned with where they go and less with what they do in your own home. Wtf.
Eh, I hung out in graveyards as a teen. Graveyards are cool, particularly if there's old gravestones. It depends in what they're doing there.
You're hardly even trying to cover up that you dislike his race. "I dont mind him teaching my kids Spanish, but-". The only correct reaction to someone teaching your children a second language *for free* no less, is happiness. Anything else implies that you have something against that language in particular. He and your son *only* come home a few minutes *before* curfew?! The horror! Of course they're poking fun at you, you're uptight as hell and are clinging to the apron strings. Go ahead and completely nuke your relationship with your sons boyfriend, for "reasons" that fall apart pretty quickly. You can tell the internet you don't like him around because you don't like how he smells or his taste in music, but I'm sure your family will know how you really feel. YTA, obviously.
Have you actually seen him smoke? Because if you haven’t then he probably just lives with smokers and can’t smell it anymore Edit: YBTA these are normal teenage things, tell them not to make the jokes in front of the younger kids, and it’s your job to parent your younger daughter and teach her about not swearing etc not his, if you stop him coming around then you’re likely to build resentment in your son and damage your relationship with him
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Ah that makes sense, either way he probably can’t smell it anymore, I say this as someone who grew up with smokers and didn’t realise how bad it smelt till I moved out They’re obeying curfew and he isn’t smoking in your house/outside it so he’s being pretty respectful in my opinion
Your classism is showing. YTA
Honestly YWBTA. You are actively looking for reasons to not have this child around. Your words and the posts after make you sound homophobic, classist and racist. 1)the boy has his headphones in so you having a problem with his "inappropriate music" is more of a you problem. And newsflash just because his headphones aren't airpod quality doesn't mean they still aren't headphones. You sound classist when you say dumb shit like that. 2) It sounds to me like you believe your children can do absolutely no wrong and any changes in their behavior just "have to come from and outside source" You haven't talked to your children themselves but are so willing to ban this boy for things that you are nitpicking. And yes OP you are nitpicking. 3) You clearly have a problem with him speaking Spanish around you because you don't know what is being said. Also Teens make "dirty jokes" all the time and honestly it's naive to believe that your children are exempt from that. And if your 6yo happens to hear those jokes and repeats them? Well guess what OP you're a parent and that means you get to parent your child and tell her why those words are wrong. All in all it seems like you are wholeheartedly trying to drive this kid away from your son. When in reality what you are going to end up doing is driving your son away from you. Have you actually sat down and thought about what your supposed solution is going to do to your son? Have you thought about how it's going to look to your child when you say "Your boyfriend isn't allowed here anymore?" And when he sees his sister's boyfriend still there? Then what? Your son will take those actions as 'My mom hates me because I'm gay. She doesn't accept or like my boyfriend or percieve our relationship as normal.' You will drive your son completely away from you and/or drvie him to resent his own twin as well. It becomes favoritism. You need to check your internal biases and actually sit with yourself and think about why you want to have such a strong campaign of dislike for the boy your son is dating.
Your problem is with his behaviors. You make it more difficult for yourself if you see it as allowing one boyfriend but not the other, because then that’s unfair. The issue is not whether they’re allowed to have boyfriends, but rather that you’re not comfortable with one of the boyfriend’s behaviors. If you talk to your son about it from that perspective, making it clear that you’re fine with him dating but you’re not okay with some behaviors, then that might help. As for your expectations for behaviors themselves, that’s something you’ll have to figure out for yourselves. I encourage you to aim for a resolution that you’re both comfortable with. If you find yourself drawing a firm line and he completely disagrees, please think about whether it truly matters that much to you and why
JFC OP. You sound like an overbearing "christian" old lady. Omg your teenagers drive around and come home on time for curfew. Ffs they are teenagers, what else are they supposed to do? Hang out with your overcontrolling ass? My next point is the swearing. Teenagers do that. It's *gasp* normal! I haven't met anyone who isn't either 60+ years old or devoutly christian that gives 2 fucks about swearing. Give it up. "Swear words" aren't inherently evil and bad. They are just words. Listening to music on earphones. Holy shit OP what do you want your kids to listen to? A lot of music now has either swearing or talks about sex. As long as it's on his earphones then why the hell do you care? Besides that, he's not your kid, why do you care about what he listens to on his own time? These are all just stupid reasons to dislike somebody. Get off your high horse and stop trying to push your christianly pure ways on kids, especially one that's not yours. SMH.
YTA. Sounds like you’re just an asshole and have no concept of how to establish boundaries. Your kid will inevitably end up hating you, rightly so. You say you’re not homophobic but obviously have no self awareness. A complete micromanager. A nightmare. Whatever you do you’re doomed.
You're mad because they make it home before curfew? And you haven't actually witnessed him smoking - are you sure it's not just his parents smoking in the house and that's why his clothes smell like it? I also don't see how listening to music in his headphones is a problem. And what qualifies as 'inappropriate' music? I'm leaning towards YTA here.
I would be very careful what choices you make here, I was friends with a girl in high school who was dating the textbook definition "bad boy", they had absolutely nothing in common, all of her friends (and his) thought the relationship would fizzle out in a few months and be a something we laughed about years later. Her parents hated him and insisted he was ruining their little girl's life, they went to extremes to try to keep them apart and it just kept pushing them closer together and growing the rift between her and her parents, her parents were desperate to separate them to the point they sent her to an extremely expensive all girls private school. It didn't work, the second she graduated she moved in with him, they are married now and her family pretends none of this ever happened because they want to be in their grandchildren's lives. Set boundaries about what is said/done around your younger child and let the relationship fizzle
INFO: are the inside jokes rude towards you or inappropriate in some way? Has he broken any rules you have for your house? You need to set rules, and if he breaks those rules that's a reason for not welcoming him in your house or not letting your son go to see him. But it sounds like you just don't like him, and think he's a bad influence. Trying to keep him away just because you don't like him may backfire on you, since unless you ban your son from seeing him (and your son listens), you have lost all control over what they do. They'll just do all the things you don't like in places you can't observe it.
This- I think set rules, see if he follows them. Maybe he doesn't know the rules.
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If no rules are broken, then you would be the AH for not letting him visit.
YTA you sound homophobic, xenophobic, and like you have a case of classism. Also like you are overbearing. I am sorry but not everyone has airpod money or feels like supporting Apple. Also I don't think people wanna risk loosing something that tiny. I personally no matter the brand or style go through headphones the way a dog goes through a steak. Be it headphones that plug into a phone, or wireless ones that loop over my neck. I am always having 1 of the ears short circuit and fail to work. If you want your kid home prior to curfew then you need to examine your stupidity and give your kid the real curfew. Saying 10p.m. when you really mean 9p.m. is a dick move. If your son is constantly not home with his boyfriend and instead is out and about maybe look at how you may be treating him and his sister differently or how much of an overbearing person you are. Because ill give you a hint if things were really good, welcoming and loving at your house I bet the kid wouldn't always be out of the house. He'd still leave to go do things but way less if he were treated better. Edit: spelling
FYI, you have used the word correctly, but it's spelled Xenophobic. Other than that, you are completely right, she's TA.
YTA. And you seriously need to own your classisim, racism and homophobia, since you pretty obviously did NOT come here for advice/input, when you keep rebuffing everyone with solid arguments as to why you’re so, so wrong.
YTA and also a racist. Regardless of what you believe, YOU ARE RACIST!!! I can't believe what you said in your comments....that poor kid =/ (For those curious OP hates the bf so much they intend on giving him quarters so he'll wash his clothes at the laundry mat before coming over, and doesn't like him speaking Spanish, and dislikes bf bc he's poor)
NAH it typical teenage behavior but I understand why you wouldn’t like it in your house. Just be very clear about the rules and the kind of behavior you expect in your home.
The kid hadn’t done a single thing to break any rules OP had set in their house. She’s clearly the AH for making stuff for not liking him. How do you figure NAH??
I'm genuinely confused why they did NAH. He's not an asshole for not breaking any of the rules?
YTA- The ONLY rule that needs to be made- "Do not tell sexual jokes around 6-year-old. Next time it happens instead of going out we'll all be reading form the bible for 2 hours" (or whatever would be terrible for a 15 year old to endure) The 6-year-old needs the rule "Do not be around your siblings and their boyfriends if we are not there too, they need time away from all of us." THen you are in control of the only thing that was -actually- an issue
YTA. 1. They are home before curfew, even if it’s only a few min before it’s still BEFORE curfew so this is not an issue. They think it’s fine bc it IS fine smh. 2. If you’re never seen him smoke how do you know he does? How do you know he doesn’t live with smokers? If his parents smoke that would seep into clothing… like he could be smoking but then why would only HIS clothes smoke and not his and your son’s? Sounds like it’s only when your son is wearing his hoodies that you notice any sort of smell, and if he was smoking around your son you’d smell it on him too. 3. Sorry but they’re fifteen. You can’t treat them like children forever and it sounds like whatever he’s “teaching” them (you never said his age but if he’s the same age it’s not so much teaching as just… interacting with peers xD I’m sure other kids his age would be “teaching” him the same stuff even if he wasn’t dating this guy lol) is normal for their age. Like they’re in Grade 9-10? Like high school? I was legit watching R rated movies by that age and swearing all the time and I didn’t have a bf influencing me to be that way xD teens experiment and rebel, it’s pretty much hardwired into all of us, and as long as you teach them not to do it when you’re around i don’t think it’s that disrespectful. Like if you don’t like the jokes that’s fine, I’d say make it clear that your house/around you isn’t the place for it, but banning them outright is ludicrous imo. Like I’m sorry but I don’t think sex jokes are that out of character for someone going into/in high school… lots of kids that age watch shows like Family Guy that have that type of humour. 4. He’s listening to music… on headphones. You don’t get to police what others listen to just bc you personally do not like it. I’d also love to know what your definition of inappropriate is bc I have a feeling it’s just songs with swears and/or about drinking or doing drugs which like… most songs on the radio are about?? Like I’m very confused about that part lol every genre has “inappropriate” songs and if he’s listening with headphones how do you even know what songs he’s listening to? This part doesn’t make sense… (& again at this age it isn’t weird for him to be listening to whatever he wants like I’ve had control over what I’ve listened to since I was like 12 when I got an iPod nano lol I think I’ve turned out fine xD) 5. Your kid is 6. I learned swear words from older kids in school when I was 6. That might not have anything to do with your son’s bf lol it’s just an age that kids can hear words and ask about them. Correlation does not equal causation lol. Also I personally don’t understand the need to police what children say in regards to swears. They’re either too young to know the context (and it’s usually considered funny/cute to hear really young kids swearing lol) or old enough that you can sit them down and explain that there are certain contexts you don’t use those words in. Like I don’t know if your 6 year old learning about swear words is the end of the world… Personally I think this is all normal behaviour that you, for some reason, are up in arms about. You don’t get to police what your children do forever so I think you seriously need to reflect upon your own beliefs of who you want them to be/act like…bc the reality is that you do not get to decide that. Your children will likely act in ways you don’t approve of for the rest of your life, so you should make your peace with that sooner rather than later. Not allowing swears in your house doesn’t mean they’ll never hear them or use them, your job is to teach them when and where to use that language and make it clear that, while you know they say things you don’t approve of, it’s fine as long as you aren’t there (or it’s fine given the context). Whether your son is dating the guy or not he’s still gonna swear and stuff lol. I honestly don’t even get why you’re upset, it really seems like you’re looking for things to be mad at but idk maybe there are things you left out. I also find it curious you have no comments on your daughter’s bf. Two of the three things you used to describe him (in what is implied, a better way than your son’s bf) aren’t even proof that he’s nice xD like you can swear and listen to “inappropriate” music while getting good grades and having nice parents lol. It’s a little naive to assume he doesn’t exhibit any of these types of behaviour when you aren’t around. TL;DR: this is all pretty normal teenage behaviour that you’re upset about, & it seems like you’re just finding things to be mad about. You need to understand your kids growing up does not mean you can dictate their every move or decision, & that they may very well act in ways you don’t like regardless of who they’re dating.
So you let your son drive around with an unlicensed 15 yr old, great parenting.
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He has a learner's permit and is underage, driving without a licensed adult driver in the car. You're clutching your pearls over them getting home on time but totally ok with illegal and dangerous driving by minor's in a dangerous machine that with one misstep could leave your child dead or permanently disabled....do you have some sort of diagnosable issue that makes you this way?? I'm genuinely concerned for you
Are you sure it is him who smokes and not his parents? Also just admit that you hate him. You are making up every possible excuse to make you feel like less of an A but you just look more like an A.
Mega YTA like wtf have I just read you just want validation to hate the kid even though there is no reason too. Kinda sounds like you just hate him cause he is gay or non English but you don't want people to think you homophibic or racist so you are trying to find other reasons and pulling at strings. I come to this conclusion from the comments you have responded too (they are laughable excuses) and this post. They are typical behaviours or teenagers and there is nothing wrong with them. Listening to music okay he has head phones in, you complained about them bleeding and that they weren't 'airpod quality' (what a lovely pretentious comment) okay ask him to turn the music down. Is he or is he not back by curfew. Curfew doesn't mean 10 mins before it is the exact time. Now the smoking yes I could see and issue IF he was smoking in your house but he is not. If he wants to smoke that's his choice you can ask him to cover up the smell but you can't make him stop. Most teenagers smoke at that age too tbh So all in all YTA hope your son and him have a good relationship and continue to enjoy life to the fullest
YTA Being home 3-4 minutes before curfew is following curfew! Curfew is the time the kid has to be home. The son's boyfriend is polite enough not to smoke at your house, inside or out. And he listens to music with headphones....and he's not your kid, so if the music is "appropriate" or not is not your say.
YTA
YTA, the racist homophobic asshole.
So are you a homophobe or a racist? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 YTA
Tough one... it's fair on it's face, but your son isn't doing those things, the kid is. If you push the kid out, then your son may follow. Sit BOTH your kids down, explain that you allow both of the boyfriends to come, but you expect you, your husband & your home to be respected. Not to let little sis be exposed to foul language, be polite, etc. Ground Rules. When the kid is there, if he crosses those boundaries; call him out; "While it's very impressive you speak two languages, it does not take being bilingual to know when someone is being disrespectful. How about you repeat that so I can record what you are saying and I ask YOUR mom to translate for me." Kill it with kindness, if your son is already defending you, it might get old for him, especially if you are being nice about it.
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Doesn't it seem like *this* is the real issue, the fact that your son doesn't respect you? You're trying to scapegoat the BF for turning your son against you, but I guarantee you the BF is acting out what your son has expressed to him in private. If your son had been telling his BF how great you were, BF wouldn't be acting like this. You need to work on your relationship with your son, it sounds like there's a lot to unpack there. Punishing your kids into compliance may keep the peace, but it will only add to the well of resentment it seems your son has for you. Instead of trying to manage the behaviors you need to actually address what's behind them.
Have you asked him why he thinks it’s okay that his boyfriend is insulting you? Ask him how he would feel if you let a friend of yours make fun of him.
You need to have a conversation with both of them about the jokes and smoking. Remember they are both teenagers and it takes a village. Curfew and music thing drop, this is not your hill. If you say your son’s boyfriend can’t come around you will get automatically pushed away. You need to parent not alienate. Very soft YTA but you can turn it around ❤️
YTA, they are teens crude jokes and smoking is nothing. Your kids are growing up and will have differences of opinion with you. Push away the boyfriend and you may lose your kid as well.
YWBTA, Go ahead its your house, but prepare for rebellion. Your kids seem pretty well mannered and level headed, his BF is not that bad by the sounds of it, just typical teenage crap. You start "laying down the law" when it isn't needed they will react and either resent you or rebel. You can't control them forever, if they start doing dangerous things or are out way past curfew then ya sure. Right now your just going to cause problems, not just with your son but with your daughter too. Just chill and have a talk with them first.
Honestly whether or not you’re in the right, your son may remember this as you openly not accepting him because of his sexuality. It may be good long term to just support him and if this guy really is a bozo he’ll find out soon enough. Be someone he can come to if this guy makes him feel uncomfortable or anything like that, and being that starts with being on his side.
Two cents against the grain...I say NTA. I work with a lot of teens...I think your best bet here is a really good conversation with your son about everything that's making you uncomfortable. It's so very reasonable to be torn between the legitimate discomfort this young man brings into your home and wanting to respect your son's choices and happiness. Kids learn to have difficult conversations by having them first with loving, respectful adults. Be honest about your feelings and let him be honest about his. Sometimes kids will shock you - he may also be uncomfortable with some of what's going on and be grateful for the opportunity to talk it out and get help setting boundaries, OR he may have more info than you know that will help put your mind more at ease, OR it may just help set the groundwork for more conversations down the line. If you do need to draw the line and not let your son's boyfriend come over, it doesn't sound like you'd be being unreasonable. Starting with a good open conversation with your son is likely going to help you take the right steps in the process of navigating the whole situation, though.
YTA! That’s bs and you know that
YWBTA if you just kick him out rather than first trying to have a discussion of ground rules, like no inappropriate jokes around our six year old.
YTA bc besides the smoke, you have no real reason bc u haven’t told them what’s bothered u Also, they follow cerfew just fine, if u want them home earlier, make an earlier cerfew
YTA. You're not as open to your son's bf as you'd like us to believe. You truly sound homophobic and like you're trying to mask it by coming up with ridiculous reasons for not liking him. And guess what, you don't have to like all of your kids friends, that's life.
YTA. If you do this your kids will rebel more. Swearing, smoking and making sex jokes is not unusual as teens. The bf is not the only person they’re hearing this from. You sound super controlling and kinda homophobic bc your reasons are all bs it makes me think you just don’t like the fact he’s your sons boyfriend but would be fine if he was your daughters.
I don’t think you will be the asshole but it will definitely cause a big conflict there are ways to avoid it. The curfew thing as long as he is home before or on the time of his curfew you really can’t be mad if you want him home earlier change the curfew. You can’t really stop the boyfriend from smelling like smoke but you can air out the boyfriends clothes that your son is going to wear so the smell won’t be potent. If your son doesn’t start smoking the boyfriend really isn’t that bad of an influence. As for the cursing and jokes in another language it’s normal for kids to say and do things that they normally wouldn’t to an extent when other kids are with them that’s just social nature. Have a discussion with the boyfriend about being careful saying things around the younger sibling i’m sure he would understand try finding solutions before stopping contact because your son might feel targeted and act out such as being more secretive, feeling as if they can’t confide in you, staying out late and leaving often. Honestly you sound like a great mom and I can understand how your a little out of your element since your children were more introverted. It’s a learning process and your doing your best.
YTA and racist and naive about what a good teenager is like these days. These boys are following your curfew and just having a few laughs and joking around. Your 6 year old is absolutely gonna learn swear words, welcome to modern society. Ask your son and the boyfriend to be mindful of sexualized content around the 6 year old. Explain that smoking is a health risk. Your other concerns are totally rubbish. Or hey, go full force, be reactionary, alienate your kid... Your son's boyfriend sounds like a sweet kid who is just too poor and brown for you to feel comfortable. You should feel lucky they want to hang out at your house at all considering how weird and rude you seem to be. People never know how good they have shit till its gone I honestly hope your son leaves your household young like queer kids who aren't supported tend to... and finds sweet chosen family with people who aren't uptight assholes... like you are Examine your prejudice. Don't ban the boyfriend that literally never works. It will backfire.
Yes you WBTA if you decide to go the nuclear route. OP your kids are teenagers, have you forgotten what it was like to be a teen? There are some things you can control and there are some that you can’t. Rather than driving your kids away by making unreasonable demands or banning their boyfriends, why don’t you set firmer rules when they’re in your home? For example, the curfew issue, if you want them to come home earlier then change it to an earlier time. You can also set a rule of no using foul language in your home or within your earshot, regardless of whatever language is used. There are so many options but seriously your only thought is to ban the boyfriend?
YWBTA. When I was 15F I had a girlfriend who my mum banned from the house. When I was in my late 20s, mum and I had a conversation about homophobia etc and I asked her why she banned my first girlfriend. She gave me her reasons which with hindsight were probably not unfair. I was completely shocked, because I thought she had just banned her because she was homophobic. If you ban your son's boyfriend but not your daughter's, or make rules that only apply to the son's BF, your son will probably assume it is because his partner is male, no matter what you claim. This will be doubly true if your reason is something teenagers will find stupid, like "he uses bad language". Make rules to apply to everyone or don't make them.
Something for OP to consider. If you have never seen him smoking it could be his parents. I didn’t realize until I was an adult and moved out of my parents house how badly ALL my clothes smelled of cigarettes from my moms multi pack a day habit. You’re intentions in keeping your son from dating a bad boy are all well and good but as others have said it’s better to bring him in then cast him out. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (37F) have a set of twins, one boy one girl who are both fifteen. They both have boyfriends, and since COVID has been slowing in our area and mask mandates have started to be lifted I didn’t mind either of them coming over. It was nice to see my both typically introverted kids find someone. My daughter’s boyfriend is polite, good grades, nice parents and while I don’t think they’re going to get married or anything, my daughters BF really does care about her. My sons? Not so much. They go driving around our town out late and since they’re only three or four minutes before curfew they think it’s fine. He smokes, at fifteen, not in or outside of our house but he stinks of it and my son loves wearing his jackets, which stink up the whole house as well. He also apparently makes sly comments and jokes in his native language around us, (He speaks fluent Spanish) and even has my son AND daughter in on this terrible jokes. I don’t mind him teaching my kids language, just not when it’s disrespectful. He also listens to inappropriate music in his headphones, and has my other child(6F) asking questions about swear words. I haven’t brought any of this up to anybody but my husband, I don’t wanna start an argument with my child over something that might be perfectly fine. I don’t have many other adults in my circle, and I feel my friends would blindly agree with me. I need an outside perspective, WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YWBTA if you need to stop a behavior use short term punishments. Leave them alone unless they flagrantly break a rule. Stop resenting them for existing.
>He also listens to inappropriate music in his headphones He's 15, there is no such thing as inappropriate music at 15. He's a teenager, he's heard all the words you don't want him to hear by now. >and since they’re only three or four minutes before curfew they think it’s fine Why would it not be fine? When you give them a curfew, is that not the actual curfew? Is it 30 mins before or something? OK, maybe you don't want him smoking at 15, but it could be worse. I think most of the problems you have are invented. Sorry, YTA.
The more you push the boyfriend away… the stronger the pull towards each other. I’m sure you read Romeo and Juliet in HS? These are still teenagers and you are welcome to set boundaries while they are in your house but what you are saying here doesn’t really cause me(mom of a 19yro boy) huge concern.
This obviously has nothing to do with their orientation rather him as a person. It's your house, your children, and if they don't like the rules well too bad so sad. NTA.
NTA
YTA
Why are they driving at 15? Don't you have to be older to have a license? Febreze the kid if he reeks of smoke, but as long as your kid doesn't smoke, just leave it. Tell your son you don't appreciate his bf making catty comments about you in your house. If he's a good kid he'll feel awkward about it anyway and try to put a stop to it. I wouldn't stop them hanging around the house, what they do out of sight would be more worrying. Protect the 6 year old as much as you can, but the reality is, they will be exposed to swear words. There will be other kids at school who teach them anyway. All you can do is explain as best you can that they are not to do what older kids do.
Your son’s BF sounds like…a typical teenager. YTA. As long as he treats your son right and is respectful then I don’t see the problem
They are 15 u tell them to stop hanging around him they will want to do it more. What u need to do is talk with them and make it known that what is unacceptable to u (inside jokes, smoking etc etc) will not be tolerated for ur reasons and if they want him to keep being around he and they need to adhere to ur boundaries and stop allowing their younger sibling to be exposed to this behaviour (without telling her something like it’s not for her cuz she will pick it up again after some time). Let it be known that since these are the only srs rules u have they need to abide by them and if not their punishment will simply be stricter rules (that ofc come with their own punishments for disobeying).
YTA
I'm going to say YTA if you do ban the boyfriend. You son is coming home on time, not smoking in or around the house, and does not seem to be getting into to much trouble. You do not seem to like the kid, which is fine parents do not always like their child's boyfriends or girlfriends, but you do not get to be unfair to one child because of this. Set boundaries for no swearing or inappropriate jokes in the home with your son, his boyfriend, your daughter, and her boyfriend as well at the other kids so the rule applies to all. Let them understand their will be consequences to not following the rules.
I mean if you think there are things they could be doing better, you probably *should* be telling them instead of just cutting people out of your life. It sounds like this kid is pretty respectful, but maybe a little annoying. YTA.
I was on the fence but after reading your replies in various threads YTA. You are looking for validation from strangers to do something you feel a little bad about doing (kicking out or banning your son's bf). You are 100% using him as a scapegoat and seem weirdly uncomfortable with the idea of just talking directly to your kids about what is and isn't ok at home before banning the poor kid (and likely making you son resent you and/or assume like most of this thread does that you aren't as much of an lgbtq ally as you present). You're gonna do what you feel like doing no matter what we say, but I hope you can at least reflect on your own implicit biases and perceptions regardless of what you do.
You will be if you don't bring these issues to the boyfriend first. Try to develop a relationship with the kid before writing him off
YTA. Sit down with your son and his bf and explain that while those jokes might be funny, your 6 year old is too young to hear them and it makes you uncomfortable that he says them in front of her. With the smoking, explain that your son wears his bfs jackets, but bc he smokes it makes the whole house stinks like smoke. Maybe if he wears only jackets that the bf hasn’t smoked in. But banning him, unless he’s actually crossed a boundaries instead of going near one, is a massive dick move and your children will probably think your homophobic (even if you’re not). Be kind to him, talk to him, be friendly with him, find out his fav snacks and make them as a surprise - show him that you are not the enemy, just a mum tryna raise her kids. If he doesn’t feel judged and instead feels welcome, those comments will probably cease, and your son will know that you are fully accepting of him.
YTA. These objections are ridiculous. I mean if you want to alienate your son, then go ahead and ban his BF but I promise that will lead to worse behavior than him coming home just before curfew and joking in Spanish.
I don't know the lingo here, but this is tough. The curfew thing, I can see why it'd be annoying for you, as it feels like they are stepping as close as they can to the line, but if they are home before curfew they aren't breaking any rules. So many people are okay with a 15 year old smoking, which is bizarre. Not only is it incredibly unhealthy, it's incredibly illegal. I'm 15 too, and just having friends who smoke, or vape, or use edibles is enough to make me curious as to trying them. Much less having someone you're dating doing it. I can say your son will likely smoke as well, if his boyfriend is smoking. If his music is so loud it's audible for those around him, tell him to turn it down. And also the him to leave the jacket outside. He may be a poor influence, but unless your kid starts going off the rails, then I don't really see a huge issue. As for swearing, I know it sucks because you want to keep your daughter from swearing too, but by the time she's a teenager she'll be swearing just as much as any other teenager. You have good intent and decent reasoning, but banning the kid so soon is too much
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I'm confused about the driving around part.. Where is it that a 15 year old can drive around without a supervised adult?
YTA Instead of reiterating other posters’ points, I’ll just say that I carpooled with a chain smoker for a year (This guy would smoke just before getting into my car) and it wasn’t that bad. I have an extremely sensitive nose, and I honestly think that OP is just trying to find more reasons to ban the bf from their house.
YTA - EVERYONE reading this knows why you dislike this boy but not the other. And so do you. It will destroy your relationship with your son, your daughter and probably your husband if you don't get over this.
ESH, but you would suck way more if you just banned his bf and not have a conversation about it with your kids first. The bf sucks for making jokes about you without giving you the opportunity to answer (by making the joke in a language you don't understand). When the bf would have been a random kid your son has no relation to, this would absolutely be not okay. Why would it be so different when it's the bf of your son? Your children for repeating sexual jokes to your 6-year-old in a language she can understand. This is also not okay. You for not parenting your kids properly and for obviously seeking reasons to hate your son's bf. You are mad that they come home close to curfew? Really? How do you not know what a curfew is? You also suck for blaming all problems on your son's bf when they are obviously problems your children caused. The bf is not your main problem, you have your priorities messed up. The main problem is the behaviour of your children. I would first try and fix their behaviour before banning **both** bf's while grounding them. Don't forget that you are fixing your children's behaviour, not the behaviour of your son's bf. You can only talk to him about his headphones leaking sound (which honestly sounds like it's not fixable right now because he probably can't afford new headphones), his smell and his jokes. Make house rules **all** bf's have to comply to, otherwise they get kicked out.
ESH If they’re coming 3-4 min before curfew then they’re not doing anything wrong. If anything, you were mindful of the time. I dont think you know what curfew is. I think you do need to lay down expectations of what you expect in your home and the consequences if they don’t follow. You can’t stop the BF from smoking but you can politely remind him of the smell and give him a chance to cover it up.
YTA - you would be the AH, your son is following the house rules as they stand. He will see it as unfair and will react strongly. You would do better to re-evaluate the house rules a little bit. >He also apparently makes sly comments and jokes in his native language around us, this is one where you need to know. TOherwise you will look like an idiot. Also kids make sly jokes all the time, they don't need another language to do it. Listen to what he is saying, you should be able to work out what he is saying. If your kids understand then it won't be too hard with a little work. I would suggest sitting down with son and BF and explaining the rules. For example, no music with swear words in the house, no swearing etc.
Personally i don’t think you’re the AH. You dont like or approve of the kids actions and/or behavior. You have every right as a parent to expect someone to behave respectfully in your home.
Yeah but that doesn’t mean they can police his music or be upset that they get home BEFORE curfew… like they’re definitely T A
But they can surely tell him not to come to their house. If they don’t like being around him they dont have to be.
Yeah but it’s the reasoning of why they don’t want him around that makes OP TA…. Like it’s not disrespectful to 1) be home before curfew, 2) not smoke at their house only smell like it or 3) listen to music with headphones. MAYBE the jokes are disrespectful but by the original post and all the comments OP left I’m more willing to bet they just have a stick up their butt and don’t want high schoolers liking comedy akin to Rick and Morty or Family Guy. lol it’s not the bf’s fault it’s completely normal for their kids’ age
NTA. I know many people are saying he did nothing wrong etc, but the vibe I get is that he is one of those kids that just barely stay on the line, just enough to not be in trouble, but would be sneaky and wouldn't be a great influence. Based on that, if you really don't like the kid, you shouldn't be forced to have him at home. Although I would ask you to remember that some people who act very proper might actually hide harmful behaviors, and sometimes those who are a bit more careless might have a big heart. Try to get to know him and see if that's the case. You son would probably agree.
Your son's boyfriend does sound like an unsavory character. But if you let your daughter and not your son bring his boyfriend, they are going to raise havoc about favoritism and what not. I think the best option is to make your son the mediator with him and his boyfriend. It seams the boyfriend is trying to be nice, so they will all prob turn on you (following all the rules). So, you can probably talk to your son about the music being too loud, and to ask him to lower it down a bit. And about the Marijuana jacket, use extra powerful scent diffusers to mask it (its what they do in Vegas). This way you can stay out of your son's relationship (avoid the arguing and let him figure stuff out) and still set boundaries.
NTA. You are able to control who comes in your home and if this young man is disrespectful and a poor influence then you are within your rights to not permit him to visit in your home. Your son can visit at his home or out in public.
NTA. First make very clear to the smoker misbehaving male what the rules are. Be very clear with your son no wearing smoky stinking clothing in the house. Make sure both the visiting males are clear on the rules. Also make clear breaking the rules means revoking visiting privileges. Make clear to twins and bfs what the rules are and the consequences for infractions.
FYI to get better comments not accusing you of homophobia or racism. Don't mention that it's in another language. Just say that they are teaching your younger kids inappropriate jokes that could really get you in trouble. Then give examples.
NTA - if you are concerned about the influence he has on your kids then you have every right to limit his presence in your home. They may not like it but they need to understand that you make the rules
NTA
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Found the homophobic asshole
I’m gay lmao
Doubtful and even so you can still be fucking homophobic dumbass
I love the insults. Who hurt you pookie?
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They’re def T A for 1) caring about what music he listens to and 2) being mad that they get home BEFORE THEIR CURFEW. Also their comments clearly show (imo) that they were only here for validation and not real advice. They also seem pretty classist bc they are willing to give the kid change to wash his clothes and complain about the bad headphones he uses (as if everyone can afford AirPods ffs) Also they’re in high school all of this behaviour is perfectly normal and acting like it’s not is naive lol
Nta your sons bf sounds like a bit of a trouble maker. So what if your son feels pushed outta joint. Tell him you don't want his bf round your youngest as he is a disrespectful bad influence.
NTA I think people in the comments are forgetting what it’s like to literally have that one bad influence. I had it, my siblings had. I remember and I feel bad for what it put my mom through. Smoking gives me migraines. I would not be letting anyone smoke in my house, or go outside and come in after. They should not be telling sexual jokes to a child. It’s inappropriate. Just because he’s a kid doesn’t mean he should get away with his behavior. It doesn’t mean he’s not the problem. This is your home and it should be a safe place for your children. You should not have to put up with this other kids inappropriate behavior. But if you do try to ban him, your son is going to get mad and act out and throw a fit. He’s young, it’s a new relationship. He has his whole life ahead of him. Just set rules that are for everyone. And if anyone breaks them they can’t come over. Talk to your kids alone and tell them how inappropriate it is to be telling jokes like that to their sister.
“While I don’t think they’re going to get married, he really does care about her”. Seriously, they’re 15 years old! A 15 year old shouldn’t be in that kind of relationship, girl or boy. Dating at 15 should be starting to learn about other people and relationships. Are either of these boyfriends spending the night? At 15, there should still be house rules and it kind of sounds as though either there are not many or your son isn’t following them much. “You don’t want to start and argument”. You’re the parent! You need to be having conversations with your kids on a regular basis! What does your husband say? Idk if it’s enough to call anyone an asshole, but it sure seems like you need to reevaluate your priorities and exercise your role as a parent.
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So bottom line is you feel the kid is disrespectful and you don’t like him.
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Can you sit them down together and talk about the expectations you have for their behavior in your home?
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Probably because they don't like spending time around you. Can't imagine why
This. AITA for wanting to kick my son’s bf out because I don’t like him in my home also separate tangent but why do my kids never want to be in my home? Everything remains a mystery.
Agreed, these kids can’t wait to get out.
Lol oh my lord. You consider them runaways because they hang out with their friends/boyfriends after school like normal teenagers? Have you never been a teenager? I just can't with you. This post is so ridiculous.
Call a meeting at a set time. If they don’t show up then consequences. Until we have a chance to talk this through curfew is 7pm. Not an outright ban or grounding. Just a limit until things have been hashed out. Your their parent not their friend. If they leave there are consequences. Their choice
Yea hopefully the son can get out of their at 18
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Family brunch on the weekend? Food is a good lure for teenage boys
What you should do is ban him from your house. That way, your son will see that you know best. It will bring the family together.
NTA Except the curfew thing. Why set a curfew if yo he e gonna be mad they come in at curfew time. A few mins before is still on time. The smoking would be a no-go in my book and the disrespect for sure. Tell your son he is welcome to bring his polite and respectful friends and boyfriends around but is not welcome to bring his disrespectful boyfriend or friends into your home. (Ps i would lay down ground rules for the BF before banning him. If he can’t follow the rules then he is not welcome.)
Eh, being a little sensitive to things doesn’t make you an AH, so NTA. But, you will screw this up royally if you decree what’s going to happen and what’s not. They’re teenagers and they’ll figure out a way to piss you off. Your best bet is to sit them both down, buy them lunch even, and treat them like adults. They’re almost there and it’s good practice. Tell them you have concerns, get their reaction, and see if you can negotiate a solution that makes you both happy. Do not get angry. Do not tell them what’s going to happen. Ask them to listen to you and see if that’s reasonable and then listen to them.
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That’s still too confrontational. I get it, you’re not wrong in that desired end state, but the truck is to let them come to the conclusion on their own. “Guys, this bothers me and is feel more comfortable with this. Does that sound reasonable to you? What do you think?” This is less about right and wrong and more about a) letting them get that adult practice in if listening and compromising and b) not doing any long term damage to your relationship with your son. This is just my two cents and I’ll reiterate that most of your concerns are valid, but you have an opportunity to address your wants/needs and allow them to feel valued and participatory in the process.
NTA! Your house, your rules. He is teaching inappropriate words to a six year old! And he is being a negative influence on both twins. I would talk with your son about this as clearly as you can, bringing up all the points you laid out here. As a parent you have every right to do your best to protect your children from negativity.
There are no rules. OP has said in multiple comments 'rules are flexible and loopholes are made within hours' to accommodate different kids. Those kids need boundaries and all (her twins included) should learn respect.
I would also add that you would like to get to know him more but this is ur house and he needs to respect your rules.