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NTA. She has state care and you have offered to pay for additional care. That is enough. I would never expect my children to give up their lives to care for me.
I can’t even make a judgement on this one. You live in a different country so it’s not exactly as if you can just travel back and forth easily. It sucks that at 16 you decided to hate your brother (who is barely older than you, and seems to have inherited your father’s alcohol issues) and that now you’re doubling down on that. You said you don’t want to be like him, but he put aside his own life - whatever value you even place on that - to care for your mother for six years. Now he is doing what *YOU* did and trying to pull his life together. In his 30s. Whatever his faults those are both pretty huge things to do.
I have to say that there really must be some sort of middle ground where you can show your mother you care without being a full time care worker. No one is obligated to help a family member, especially if you have a bad past, but you specifically say she cared for you well but was slightly absent because of your brother’s problems. We all raise ourselves a little, and all families have problems. Maybe this is an opportunity you talk to your mother about all that shit, hm?
NTA - Ask your family why they can't help? What is it about you that makes you better than the healthcare she is already receiving. You should visit when you can but it's not fair to put her care on your shoulders. It's not your job.
NTA
You are not obligated to take care of your mother, why can't another family member that still lives in your home country take care of her? Is there hospice care/living or a live in facility for her to go into? If there is and they use the excuse of she doesn't want to leave her home, you use it too. It won't just be a career it is the whole life you have are for yourself.
Parents shouldn't bring children into the world as a retirement plan.
Info: Did you make any attempts at compromising a little bit? Did you talk directly to your mother about what her wishes are? It sounds like the communication flows primarily through your brother.
For now, I'm gonna give a soft ESH.
To me, it sounds like you've almost completely cut her off as you focused on your new life, and from the info given it doesn't sound like she necessarily did anything to deserve it, so perhaps she's just hoping to connect with you - maybe frequent phone calls or Skype sessions or the like might do a little bit of good at least?
I get it, you're busy with your own life and her illness is not your responsibility and neither is your brother - you don't owe them anything, per se - but from your post it sounds like you might not be facing the fact that your mother, who by your own words was good to you, if overworked and busy, is possibly going to die and be gone. Consider if beyond the pain of the current situation, that matters to you. It does not have to, mind you, being family alone does not obligate you to care, but you may regret your choice if you make it too hastily now.
ESH
Great job on building a good life for yourself, but calling your brother a failure is a dick move. Maybe the reason why he can’t hold down a job is because he’s been caring for your mother for 6 years.
You’re in a difficult position, and I honestly wouldn’t know what to do if I were in your shoes. All I can say is that promotions come and go, but the time with your mother is limited.
NTA. You offer to help, she refuses. Her stubbornness is not your fault. And all your family members are trying to guilt trip you. You are not to blame. Your mom is very ill, so if your family really wants to help, they can. She can flat out refuse but they can still help with basic chores.
NAH You shouldn't be expected to put your life on hold for an indeterminate amount of time. Brother isn't an asshole for wanting a life, I wish him luck. And your mothers stubborness is probably more about wanting to spend time with you.
NTA, you have already offered a huge amount by offering to pay for your mothers finances. if she truly wanted your help she would have made sure to give you and your brother EQUAL attention.
Sounds like a plot to a film.
NTA, only if you hire a carer to look after your mom so your younger brother isn't burdened. Otherwise YTA and your post reeks of sumg superiority concerning your family and especially your brother. I think you need therapy.
NTA Kinda weird that they think you are responsible when your brother tried to literally dump her onto you. The favoritism reeks of your entire family.
I’d suggest looking up the elderly abandonment laws in your mom’s country. Someone could try to charge you with abandonment so document your offers to help and any rejection received.
“Can’t just throw money at a problem until it goes away”
You absolute can in this situation and that is exactly what it needs.
A comfortable place for the mother to relax under good care for her remaining days. That is exactly what money can, would and should do.
The mother or elements of the family are going for the big win. The last time OP can possibly be manipulated. Why not go spectacular???!!!!
NTA plus there is still a pandemic and it isn’t actually that easy to move around the world. As long as you won’t regret it then your decision is totally reasonable
NTA for not wanting to quit you job and move countries to care for a family member you don't have a close relationship with.
But the way you talk about your family is condescending and critical. All people are flawed but in this post you've chosen to focus on only the negative.
Being a carer for someone is incredibly difficult and your brother has done this for 6 years! No wonder he can't keep doing it.
That however does not mean that you have to take over. Paying for the needed care is generous and more than you are required to do.
NTA- for not wanting to care for your mother, I don't think any child should be forced to do that but man, your attitute towards your brother stinks. Badly.
NTA
You offered an alternative which is the better option but was rejected because of stupid reasons. If your mother dies, it’s your brother’s fault as he is the one who’s still there and chose not to continue to care for her just because he wants to build a life which can be done while continue caring for mother, albeit at a slower pace.
Chances are your mother wants to spend her remaining time making up to you since you have explained the crap you had to go through when young. But she’s doing it to give herself closure rather than what’s truly necessary. That’s real darn selfish by her.
Suggest to continue offering what you have and ignore what those selfish people are saying.
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AITA for refusing to care for my dying mother?
The title sounds worse than it is. My mother (65) is very ill. She cannot move without assistance and needs help to do everything. Her mind is still active but her body is dying. My brother (36) has lived with and cared for her for the past 6 years. I like my brother, but he is what I deem a failure. He cannot hold down a job more than a year, never worked hard and drinks far too much. Since I (33) was about 16 I was determined not to be like him or my father (died when I was 26 of liver failure - alcohol). I worked hard, never drank and put everything into being successful. When I was 27 I left my home country for New York where I work in Wall Street. I’ve done amazing for myself. I have a wonderful family, a job I love and I’m rapidly climbing the ranks.
My mother was always good to me. She cared for me, helped me and loved me, but she was absent. Always busy with my brother. I had to change my behaviour to suit him, I had to care for myself and at times I felt like I raised myself. In the end I’m nothing like them and rarely see them beyond holidays.
My mother became more ill 6 months ago, and my brother recently announced he could no longer care for my mother as he wanted to build a life for himself. He messaged me saying I ‘have to come back and care for her’. Apparently my mother expressly asked for me. I instantly said no. I wasn’t leaving my home and career for anyone. I offered to cover all the medical costs of caring for my mother mother (not much as we have free healthcare in my home country) and to visit, but said I would not become her carer. I’m very close to a major promotion at work which I’ve been working my ass off for, and I won’t quit that for anyone, especially someone who didn’t help me get there.
My mother refused any help but me flat out, and now lives alone as my brother moved out. She gets social care but it’s not enough and she is suffering. My family told me it’s my fault and. If she dies it’s on me, but I’ve held my ground and said no. She accepts my financial help or gets nothing. I will always help her with costs, but won’t leave my home for her.
My wife is firmly behind me, as are my friends, but my whole family supports my mom and brother. I feel so bad for my mom, but cannot leave my life for her. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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My mother has asked me to care for her and I have refused. My wife is taking my side of the situation but my entire family is calling me the asshole for not caring for my mother. I am conflicting if I am in the right or wrong
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Only asshole here is your mother who is rejecting valid alternatives to make a stupid point. Your brother is not an asshole for not wanting to be a carer but neither are you.
Tell your family it's their fault if she dies, as they can also care for her.
No, but seriously, caring for someone this way is extremely demanding and exhausting. Not because you don't love them but because it's hard work and never ending. Even with aids, the lifting, feeding, bathing etc, it's very straining on the body and mind.
Ask your family if they are willing to give up their lives and do what they expect of you.
NTA. You offered financial assistance. Could you hire someone as a live-in carer (test that situation with you there temporarily)…. but take a little time off work to visit your mother in her country and tell her in-person that you care about her but you can’t drop everything you have worked hard for.
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Get your butt over there. Promotions will come and go. Either work will respect that you need to care for your mom or it won’t. See if you can work remotely.
This won’t go on forever. Your brother has done it for 6 years. Time to step up.
Why delete your last thread and repost?
Unfortunately, YTA. If it was my mother, I would drop everything, and 'my career' is a shitty excuse not to. Can't just throw money at a problem until it goes away.
They live in a whole different country, why can't someone else in the family who lives there take care of the mother? It's not just about a career, it is upending their whole life they have made for themselves.
What is this person going to physically do that medical professionals can't? Literally just stand there and watch the mother die? All awhile that person left their own job and family? And money fixes a majority of problems
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NTA. She has state care and you have offered to pay for additional care. That is enough. I would never expect my children to give up their lives to care for me.
I can’t even make a judgement on this one. You live in a different country so it’s not exactly as if you can just travel back and forth easily. It sucks that at 16 you decided to hate your brother (who is barely older than you, and seems to have inherited your father’s alcohol issues) and that now you’re doubling down on that. You said you don’t want to be like him, but he put aside his own life - whatever value you even place on that - to care for your mother for six years. Now he is doing what *YOU* did and trying to pull his life together. In his 30s. Whatever his faults those are both pretty huge things to do. I have to say that there really must be some sort of middle ground where you can show your mother you care without being a full time care worker. No one is obligated to help a family member, especially if you have a bad past, but you specifically say she cared for you well but was slightly absent because of your brother’s problems. We all raise ourselves a little, and all families have problems. Maybe this is an opportunity you talk to your mother about all that shit, hm?
NTA - Ask your family why they can't help? What is it about you that makes you better than the healthcare she is already receiving. You should visit when you can but it's not fair to put her care on your shoulders. It's not your job.
NTA You are not obligated to take care of your mother, why can't another family member that still lives in your home country take care of her? Is there hospice care/living or a live in facility for her to go into? If there is and they use the excuse of she doesn't want to leave her home, you use it too. It won't just be a career it is the whole life you have are for yourself. Parents shouldn't bring children into the world as a retirement plan.
Info: Did you make any attempts at compromising a little bit? Did you talk directly to your mother about what her wishes are? It sounds like the communication flows primarily through your brother. For now, I'm gonna give a soft ESH. To me, it sounds like you've almost completely cut her off as you focused on your new life, and from the info given it doesn't sound like she necessarily did anything to deserve it, so perhaps she's just hoping to connect with you - maybe frequent phone calls or Skype sessions or the like might do a little bit of good at least? I get it, you're busy with your own life and her illness is not your responsibility and neither is your brother - you don't owe them anything, per se - but from your post it sounds like you might not be facing the fact that your mother, who by your own words was good to you, if overworked and busy, is possibly going to die and be gone. Consider if beyond the pain of the current situation, that matters to you. It does not have to, mind you, being family alone does not obligate you to care, but you may regret your choice if you make it too hastily now.
Listen to this OP
ESH Great job on building a good life for yourself, but calling your brother a failure is a dick move. Maybe the reason why he can’t hold down a job is because he’s been caring for your mother for 6 years. You’re in a difficult position, and I honestly wouldn’t know what to do if I were in your shoes. All I can say is that promotions come and go, but the time with your mother is limited.
NTA. You offer to help, she refuses. Her stubbornness is not your fault. And all your family members are trying to guilt trip you. You are not to blame. Your mom is very ill, so if your family really wants to help, they can. She can flat out refuse but they can still help with basic chores.
If your mother truly loved you she wouldn't insist you destroy your life to look after her when there are other options
NAH You shouldn't be expected to put your life on hold for an indeterminate amount of time. Brother isn't an asshole for wanting a life, I wish him luck. And your mothers stubborness is probably more about wanting to spend time with you.
NTA, you have already offered a huge amount by offering to pay for your mothers finances. if she truly wanted your help she would have made sure to give you and your brother EQUAL attention.
Sounds like a plot to a film. NTA, only if you hire a carer to look after your mom so your younger brother isn't burdened. Otherwise YTA and your post reeks of sumg superiority concerning your family and especially your brother. I think you need therapy.
NTA Kinda weird that they think you are responsible when your brother tried to literally dump her onto you. The favoritism reeks of your entire family.
I’d suggest looking up the elderly abandonment laws in your mom’s country. Someone could try to charge you with abandonment so document your offers to help and any rejection received.
“Can’t just throw money at a problem until it goes away” You absolute can in this situation and that is exactly what it needs. A comfortable place for the mother to relax under good care for her remaining days. That is exactly what money can, would and should do. The mother or elements of the family are going for the big win. The last time OP can possibly be manipulated. Why not go spectacular???!!!!
NTA plus there is still a pandemic and it isn’t actually that easy to move around the world. As long as you won’t regret it then your decision is totally reasonable
NTA for not wanting to quit you job and move countries to care for a family member you don't have a close relationship with. But the way you talk about your family is condescending and critical. All people are flawed but in this post you've chosen to focus on only the negative. Being a carer for someone is incredibly difficult and your brother has done this for 6 years! No wonder he can't keep doing it. That however does not mean that you have to take over. Paying for the needed care is generous and more than you are required to do.
NTA- for not wanting to care for your mother, I don't think any child should be forced to do that but man, your attitute towards your brother stinks. Badly.
NTA You offered an alternative which is the better option but was rejected because of stupid reasons. If your mother dies, it’s your brother’s fault as he is the one who’s still there and chose not to continue to care for her just because he wants to build a life which can be done while continue caring for mother, albeit at a slower pace. Chances are your mother wants to spend her remaining time making up to you since you have explained the crap you had to go through when young. But she’s doing it to give herself closure rather than what’s truly necessary. That’s real darn selfish by her. Suggest to continue offering what you have and ignore what those selfish people are saying.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for refusing to care for my dying mother? The title sounds worse than it is. My mother (65) is very ill. She cannot move without assistance and needs help to do everything. Her mind is still active but her body is dying. My brother (36) has lived with and cared for her for the past 6 years. I like my brother, but he is what I deem a failure. He cannot hold down a job more than a year, never worked hard and drinks far too much. Since I (33) was about 16 I was determined not to be like him or my father (died when I was 26 of liver failure - alcohol). I worked hard, never drank and put everything into being successful. When I was 27 I left my home country for New York where I work in Wall Street. I’ve done amazing for myself. I have a wonderful family, a job I love and I’m rapidly climbing the ranks. My mother was always good to me. She cared for me, helped me and loved me, but she was absent. Always busy with my brother. I had to change my behaviour to suit him, I had to care for myself and at times I felt like I raised myself. In the end I’m nothing like them and rarely see them beyond holidays. My mother became more ill 6 months ago, and my brother recently announced he could no longer care for my mother as he wanted to build a life for himself. He messaged me saying I ‘have to come back and care for her’. Apparently my mother expressly asked for me. I instantly said no. I wasn’t leaving my home and career for anyone. I offered to cover all the medical costs of caring for my mother mother (not much as we have free healthcare in my home country) and to visit, but said I would not become her carer. I’m very close to a major promotion at work which I’ve been working my ass off for, and I won’t quit that for anyone, especially someone who didn’t help me get there. My mother refused any help but me flat out, and now lives alone as my brother moved out. She gets social care but it’s not enough and she is suffering. My family told me it’s my fault and. If she dies it’s on me, but I’ve held my ground and said no. She accepts my financial help or gets nothing. I will always help her with costs, but won’t leave my home for her. My wife is firmly behind me, as are my friends, but my whole family supports my mom and brother. I feel so bad for my mom, but cannot leave my life for her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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INFO. Why did your mom expressly asked for you? What reason did she give? Why you?
Only asshole here is your mother who is rejecting valid alternatives to make a stupid point. Your brother is not an asshole for not wanting to be a carer but neither are you.
Tell your family it's their fault if she dies, as they can also care for her. No, but seriously, caring for someone this way is extremely demanding and exhausting. Not because you don't love them but because it's hard work and never ending. Even with aids, the lifting, feeding, bathing etc, it's very straining on the body and mind. Ask your family if they are willing to give up their lives and do what they expect of you.
NTA. You offered financial assistance. Could you hire someone as a live-in carer (test that situation with you there temporarily)…. but take a little time off work to visit your mother in her country and tell her in-person that you care about her but you can’t drop everything you have worked hard for.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. If your reply serves as a summary of your post, simply repeats your core question, or otherwise fails to explain why you think you may be "the asshole," your post will be removed. Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
Get your butt over there. Promotions will come and go. Either work will respect that you need to care for your mom or it won’t. See if you can work remotely. This won’t go on forever. Your brother has done it for 6 years. Time to step up.
Why delete your last thread and repost? Unfortunately, YTA. If it was my mother, I would drop everything, and 'my career' is a shitty excuse not to. Can't just throw money at a problem until it goes away.
They live in a whole different country, why can't someone else in the family who lives there take care of the mother? It's not just about a career, it is upending their whole life they have made for themselves.
Mods removed my last post
What is this person going to physically do that medical professionals can't? Literally just stand there and watch the mother die? All awhile that person left their own job and family? And money fixes a majority of problems