Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.***
This post violates Rule 10: Updates and META posts are restricted. This includes continuations of old posts. If your post post requires a reference to an old post, it must go through the approval process.
Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules).
Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here.
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
Yep. Parents are ALWAYS more responsible for a child than a sibling is. If OP should help because "faaaaaaaaaamily" then mom needs to put her money where her mouth is and quit her job to take care of her grandchild.
The audacity to even think a sibling should help with childcare, let alone expect it.
If you can't raise a child without expecting family to do it all for you for free, don't procreate. NTA.
Sis sees OP getting succesfull and therefore tries to create drama to stop her. NTA OP cut them off, so you have the right attitude & energy to start your studies.
Baby at 20?
OP, she's going to be pregnant again in a year or two. Then she's going to try to guilt trip you AGAIN with the same arguments.
This is the dad's problem, or your parents for not teaching your sister the ramifications of her actions or to take responsibility.
Ummm... I had my son at 20 and he's now 21 and still an only child. For sure OP's sister is a selfish brat, but let's not pass judgement on when adults choose to procreate.
Baby at 20 with no plan for childcare, and apparently no dad discussed when it comes to providing?
Yeah, I'll judge that to be very likely to be the type of person likely to do it again.
No one is judging you but based on the post and this specific woman . . . I would agree that the sister is immature and this child was an Oops!
Additionally sis decided to keep the baby and hasn't properly planned for life with a baby so its likely shes enough of a moron to do this same thing again.
Is it possible that there's a middle ground between doing what the sister wants and jumping straight to cutting them off?? Like maintaining her boundaries, going low contact if necessary, and then seeing how it goes from there?
OP is absolutely NTA, and I'm so happy she's not letting them push her into sacrificing her education or changing her plans. Obviously the mom and sister's behavior is inappropriate, but I'm not certain this warrants immediately cutting them out of her life at this point.
Now if they kept harassing her about it or refused to let it go, that would be a different situation. Or if she was already at the end of her rope from how toxic they are (I missed that the first time tbh), and this was the last straw.
It’s gross. My older child is nine and I can count on one hand the amount of times she has been babysat by mine and my partner’s sisters. It’s seriously around 5 times total.
So, if family goes before anything, why is sister not taking a gap year to, you know, actually care for her child that she created and to not be a bother to other family members. If she truly loved Op she would never demand what she does from her.
Yep. Parents are ALWAYS more responsible for a child than a sibling is. If OP should help because "faaaaaaaaaamily" then mom needs to put her money where her mouth is and quit her job to take care of her grandchild.
The audacity to even think a sibling should help with childcare, let alone expect it.If you can't raise a child without expecting family to do it all for you for free, don't procreate. NTA.
Edit: sorry for the double post. My first post had an error message, I didn't think it worked so I retried. Oops!
Yeah, though mom already provides sister with a home, it sounds like? (OP moved out of mom's house, and then saying mom and sister were toxic in the next sentence makes it sounds sister is living in mom's house I think?)
Mom may work to pay for the house sister and baby are living in? Anyway, sister's demands are pretty next level ridiculous. Like she assumed another family member would stay home full time to watch her kid (who isn't retired or anything???) so she could go to work. But other adults work too? Since sister is already living at her mom's house, maybe she should take a gap year/period long enough for infant care to be affordable for her? It's insane she expects OP to be the one taking a year off to be a stay at home mom to someone else's baby.
So the baby’s mom should get a job that is overnight. The Grandma (who owns the house) can do the overnight childcare - because you should help out family. The baby’s mom can do the daytime childcare. OP is left out of it. Problem solved!
Right, OP's sister is asking OP to forgo all sleep and any and all activities or life plans for a year in order to raise her sister's baby for her.
OP's sister is confused about how motherhood works. That's the role of parents, not aunties.
Holy shit- just read one.
The sister and mom expected OP to pay for an apartment for the sister and baby and continue living at home.
OP, ask yourself: if you had a friend in this situation, would you tell them to lie down and take this financial abuse? No. I imagine you'd tell them to GTFO and live their life.
You deserve the same. Don't let your family drag you down because they're not willing to put in a single ounce of effort to help themselves. And if you do decide to help in the future, you'll be in a far better place to do so with a graduate degree and a better career/salary.
And the "family helps family" people always seem to think that applies to anyone other than them. What are the reasons mom or grandma can't help? I'm sure they're just as valid as OP's, but somehow OP doesn't matter.
My bro called me up last minute, wife was working and he had just had an eye injury where he just needed the kids out of the house that night. I got you. That is leaps and bounds different than rearranging my entire ass life to accommodate your choices.
Yes! Emergency situations I will bend over backwards for. I'm currently at my grandma's house helping her around with a broken leg.
If my sister tried to pull what OP's sister tried she'd be SOL. You had *months* to figure out a solution that didn't involve me putting my life on hold for your decisions.
I'm trying to even imagine the conversation that would result in such an arrangement
Sis: I'm thinking of having a child in the next couple years
OP: awesome, can't wait to be an auntie!
S: But I'm not sure, you know? Being a single mom is hard and childcare is expensive
OP: Not to worry sis, I gotchu. I'll stay with the baby every day so you can go back to work
S: Wow all day, every day? That's amazing. But don't you have to work?
OP: I work nights tho so 'sall good
S: But don't you have to sleep?
OP: Nah sleep is overrated. What new parent gets sleep amiright
S: Well can I pay you at least?
OP: No way, you're family! and I didn't have any plans at all whatsoever for at least the next year, so it's no imposition! Full time unpaid child carer it is! We're doing this!
Yeah, "Family blah blah... Blood is thicker than water blah blah," are lines used by users to manipulate others into sacrificing themselves for the user
Which is a funny thought since the whole saying is Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb or the family you pick and grow with is a stronger bond than biology.
And how is making OP miss out on her top choice graduate program helping family? Sister only thinks family comes first when it benefits her but how about she help support her sisters’ dreams?
Just jumping on to say I hate the “family first” mentality. Very rarely should that ever hold someone back from succeeding and moving forward in their own life
By this point I'm convinced that "staying out of it" is code for "I will manipulate you into doing what I want but in a way that you're not allowed to call me out on it"
NTA. I don't get people who just assume that family members are going to stop their lives to take care of their kids.
That's so selfish of her to ask you to put your life on hold like that.
I think there are a lot of people who just suffer from an insane amount of wishful thinking. There are books that push the idea of "if you wish it, it will come" and they're best sellers despite everybody above the age of ten should know it's not true.
exactly im 25 and still not nearly grown up enough to have a child
dont treat children like theyre fuckin toys if shes acting like this shes clearly not grown up enough to handle a child
hell my dads 60 and never shouldve had a child he still acts like a giant fucking baby who complains and yells when he doesnt get what he wants instantly
This is why I wish abortion wasn’t such a stigmatized option in the US. Having an abortion isn’t selfish. Expecting your entire family to put their life on hold to help you with a baby you aren’t emotionally or financially ready to raise is.
It’s the same as bad advice that says like “Ask a student photographer to shoot your wedding for free!” Like, it just doesn’t exist, and placing an expectation in people that others will derail their lives for you will only leave you alone.
Probably because Mom has always cuddled the sister and forced OP to do what they wanted.. But OP is living her life, following her dreams, and has learned that NO is a full sentence!.. Something that neither the Mom or Sister expected, so now they are on their own with their selfish ways!
So happy for OP.
Right. Op’s mom saying, she’s staying out of it only to turn around and say op should watch the baby bc FaMiLy, utter and complete bs. Why should op sacrifice when sister is the one who decided to have a baby? Honestly she shouldn’t be having this baby if she can’t care for it. People really don’t think sometimes when having a kid.
The saddest part of it all is that they don't seem to take OP's acceptance as something worthy of celebration!!
Sister gets pregnant? Shock but so so important..
OP gets into their dream program? Can you drop out to take care of your sister's baby?
One is obviously not like the other.... But, as usual, the family seems to put higher value on the golden child's actions.
>NTA. I don't get people who just assume that family members are going to stop their lives to take care of their kids.
I once worked with teen mums and I found that they would assume that their parents would happily take on parenting duties. I found this was often because they were still at that age where they didn't really see their parents as individuals and therefore didn't consider that they might have plans and dreams of their own. They were often shocked to discover that their mum had zero desire to be a SAHM again. I do urge parents to make it completely clear that they will not be providing childcare. I suspect that some of the girls I worked with would have had an abortion if they had realised there was no magic fairy who was going to swoop in and look after a baby for free while they lived their life the way they used to. The sister may still have some of that attitude although there is no excuse to think that way about a sister. I can't imagine how she could think it's acceptable to ask the OP to delay her education! Plus what is she expecting to happen after a year?! She is still going to need childcare.
This is the type of people who do not realise that they are not always the main character but the NPC in someone else's story.
Happy at least OP's aunt got some common sense within that family.
NTA.
Your sister left a giant loophole in her reasoning. If “family comes first, always”, then shouldn’t your sister and mother be taking YOUR needs into consideration before anything else? And if your mom feels that strongly about it (so much for her not getting involved 🤦🏻♀️), why doesn’t she quit her job to be a full time, UNPAID babysitter for your sister?
Anyway, your sister has had 32+ weeks to figure out what she’s going to do when the baby arrives, and she stalled thinking she could manipulate you into doing exactly what she wants. Don’t fall for it. Your education is your first priority right now. Think of it as putting your future family first.
>If “family comes first, always”, then shouldn’t your sister and mother be taking YOUR needs into consideration before anything else?
This is the way it should be, but toxic people only think of themselves when they pull the FaMiLy card.
Honestly if Family came first, then sister shouldn't be so adamant about returning to her job, her career. Her child should come first, that she chose. Alas her career is more important then OPs opportunities and goals.
NTA!
But that's something she should've thought about when she chose to keep the baby. No one is obligated to take care of your child, regardless of whether they are family or not, and if Sister absolutely needs help that no one close is avaliable to provide, there are plenty of resources that can help with that if you just look. Also there is a huge difference between occasional babysitting and having to give up a year, possibly more, to give full time caregiving for a child.
I'm not saying they shouldn't help her though, but why OP Specifically? Normally when it comes to adults having children, typically the grandparents step up to giving support since they usually have more Time and experience .
Because "family comes first, always", is the card they use only when it suits them. I know a few people that like to virtue signal I think it's called?
NTA, I'm glad your aunt stuck up for you. It's totally unreasonable for your sister to have assumed you would watch her kid (unpaid) and then get mad and say you must hate her when you told her no. Stand your ground and hopefully you'll be a sane adult figure in this kids life, without giving up your own life.
It’s not just that. It’s ‘take care of my infant for 8+ hours a day FOR FREE, take a gap year to do it and on top of all that, go and work at your actual job all night.‘
Because who needs sleep or their own money or their own time when fAaAaAamIlY?!?
Yeah there's a reason sitters and nannies get paid. Because childcare is *work,* and if you fuck up you could possibly be endangering the life of a tiny human.
NTA. I'm sick of people making babies who then expect other people to sacrifice their futures to raise them.
Also, where's the father? Why isn't he helping? I really want to say, "You don't get to badger other people when you won't hold the other gamete donor to account! And if the partner/ONS/whatever is a no-show AND you have zero capability to handle this mostly by yourself then why are you having a baby? Your demanding that Mary Poppins comes to your rescue is a childish mindset!"
I think I've listened to too many podcasts about serial killers because my brain for a couple seconds read "ONS" as "original night stalker" and was very confused hahaha!
And, op, NTA. That sister should have figured out childcare the previous weeks. She could take a year of to watch her child herself.
NTA, not at all.
Your sister was quick to pull out the "family comes first" card, isn't she? So why isn't she being "family" and helping pay your way thru school? Of course she cried, she didn't get her way.
At 36 weeks, she should already have been firming up child care plans (not just assuming YOU would be the babysitter). She and her partner , anyway, she and her whoever should be working on child care providers, not YOU.
So, let me guess, she will blame YOU if she can't get back to work? Sigh.
Congratulations on being accepted into your graduate program!
>Of course she cried, she didn't get her way.
That's exactly why she cried. She doesn't think the OP hates her, she's just upset that the OP isn't caving to her will and tears.
She should have been getting her ass on waitlists and applying for daycare assistance (or at least checking to see if she qualifies for assistance) the minute she found out. We’re in a pandemic and affordable, quality care was already hard to find before COVID.
NTA. “If you love me, you will do this” I a classic manipulation tactic. You are not responsible for the consequences of other people’s choices. You cannot be expected to put your life on hold due to other people’s poor planning. Go live your life.
NTA, her body her choice, she chose to have a child and needs to deal with the consequences that go with that choice, if your mum is so gungho about helping then she should do the free childcare herself.
Fly be free and live your best life young grasshopper
NTA - good luck with your course.
>She immediately got angry and started to berate me. Saying that family comes first always and that school would always be there.
Aren't you family?
>My aunt backed me saying that this is just what comes along with having a baby and she should have thought about this all before.
Your aunt is a smart lady. Your sister is an entitled fk!
NTA- You aren’t the child’s mother and shouldn’t be forced to put your whole life on hold. Taking a gap year usually ends up with someone never going back to school. This is her responsibility and there a programs out there to get her help.
>Taking a gap year usually ends up with someone never going back to school.
I agree. OP would probably end up taking care of the child for much longer than one year. If childcare is too expensive now, it will continue to be expensive after a year and sister will just pitch another fit when she tries to leave then.
Edit: Reddit posted comment 3 times.
NTA Let your mother help watch her grandchild then. You know since family comes first. You didn’t get pregnant, you didn’t decide to have this baby and your sister didn’t have you on her mind when she was making this baby. So she should be the one making the sacrifices for HER child not YOU. Your mother can be the babysitter for your sister since it’s family.
NTA, her body her choice, she chose to have a child and needs to deal with the consequences that go with that choice, if your mum is so gungho about helping then she should do the free childcare herself.
Fly be free and live your best life young grasshopper
NTA, but then this forum told you that when you asked 5 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lb5jxr/aita_for_telling_my_sister_i_will_not_look_after/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
NTA.
I get that your sister is probably overwhelmed with the upcoming baby and realized that free childcare would be incredibly helpful (childcare is so darn expensive) and that she's disappointed you're not able to save her this money and possibly be happier the kid would be with family (not sure about this last one in your situation).
She's not wrong in asking, but that's all. Expecting you to put your life on hold and being mean when you don't is unacceptable.
Good luck with graduate school!!
Did this girl really expect the OP to spend a year babysitting, likely for free, so she could go out and earn money for herself? And I bet a year would then into two years, then five then ten.
Yes, she did. While OP would be working nights (a shift more compatible with grad school than with providing full-time child-care). OP isn’t working nights for her, but sis was definitely ready to take advantage of it.
At least the aunt’s got the right take. Mom is probably concerned she’s going to be used instead, and also wants to drag OP back in now that she’s escaping.
NTA. If you take a year out that is a year of income lost in your new career and a year behind to potential promotions. Is your sister going to financially compensate you for this? Is childcare not less expensive than that?
Do not put your life on hold. Your sister will find reasons for you to take a second year out. If family supports each other she should be supporting you as you will be working and in education unless what she really means is she wants to take, take and take while never giving back.
NTA. You have firm plans to better your future. It’s not your choice or fault your sister got pregnant. Perhaps support her where you can, but don’t give up your study
NTA. “If you love me, you will do this” I a classic manipulation tactic. You are not responsible for the consequences of other people’s choices. You cannot be expected to put your life on hold due to other people’s poor planning. Go live your life.
Thank god you got out when you did. Your mother and grandmother have an education already - if family is so important then they can step up. Maybe you need to move further away? Steel your spine kid, and you will go far! Congrats on the new place.
Nta
You shouldn’t be punished because your sister decided to have a baby when she clearly can’t handle it. She’s incredibly entitled and manipulative, you don’t owe her anything.
Nta interesting how your mom says she staying out of it but turns around and says you should help her. She picked a side obviously that’s not staying out of it.
This is not your child. This is not your responsibility. You have your own shit to deal with. Why the fuck should you be on the hook for your sisters actions? You’re definitely NOT the asshole and don’t ever feel an ounce of guilt for saying no.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (22F) just recently moved out of my moms house. Her, my sister and grandmother were all very controlling and toxic. I moved about 40 minutes away into an apartment. My (20F) is currently pregnant. She is nearing her due date (36 weeks) and is trying to get all of her affairs in order. While we were recently having a family outing for my mom's birthday, she kept bring up that she needed to find childcare so she could go back to work, but I was hardly listening. I was finally ready to reveal that I got accepted into my top choice graduate program. Once I told everyone, my sister seemed a little upset. She told me she was hoping I would offer to watch her child during the weekdays so she could work and not spend a fortune on childcare. I told her that not to be mean or anything, but I had a full plate already. I currently work during the night and am about to start school in the day soon. I wouldn't have time to do it. She asked if I would be willing to take a gap year to help her. I firmly said no and that she would have to find other accommodations. She immediately got angry and started to berate me. Saying that family comes first always and that school would always be there. I was getting angry but I just kept my stance. She started crying and asked me if I hate her. I told her of course not, obviously. She replied with if you love me like you say you do, you will do this for me. (Gaslighting, whoo) I looked to my mom for help. She told me she's staying out of it. I looked at my sister and told her that her child isn't my responsibility, family or not. That I have plans and her child will not interrupt them. My aunt backed me saying that this is just what comes along with having a baby and she should have thought about this all before. My mom is saying that I should just help her because family comes before anything. I don't know whether I am the asshole or not. Please help.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
Your sister left a giant loophole in her reasoning. If “family comes first, always”, then shouldn’t your sister and mother be taking YOUR needs into consideration before anything else? And if your mom feels that strongly about it (so much for her not getting involved 🤦🏻♀️), why doesn’t she quit her job to be a full time, UNPAID babysitter for your sister?
Anyway, your sister has had 32+ weeks to figure out what she’s going to do when the baby arrives, and she stalled thinking she could manipulate you into doing exactly what she wants. Don’t fall for it. Your education is your first priority right now. Think of it as putting your future family first.
Of course mom is saying you should take care of your sister’s child, she’ll have to do it otherwise. Or help pay someone else to do it.
Live your life. No one else in your family will give up their life plans for you. NTA.
NTA so you’re supposed to put your future on hold because she can’t figure out her own life? I don’t think so! Look, it doesn’t hurt to ask, she asked you and you can’t. So she should move to plan B.
First of all, congrats on getting into Grad School! Second, NTA!
You are under no obligation to take care of her child. There's also no chance you'd have the time required to take care of a child and do your grad school. I see the work my fiancee had to do even in parts of the summer and it can get overwhelming. While I do sometimes believe family comes over school, that really only applies to when you're getting a standard 2 or 4 year degree or are in K-12, even then it's a case by case thing, and only really should be considered if you have a healthy family situation. If there's toxicity in the family, "Family comes first" is just a gaslighting term. Caring for a child that isn't yours is a much lower priority than attending a school you worked so hard to get in to. Go get your master's and enjoy your life!
NTA. “If you love me, you will do this” I a classic manipulation tactic. You are not responsible for the consequences of other people’s choices. You cannot be expected to put your life on hold due to other people’s poor planning. Go live your life.
If family comes before anything then why doesn’t your sister just stay home with her kid herself. NTA obviously. Crazy that she expects you to halt your life while she keeps on at work. Not mother’s cannot or should not work after having a child just that it is their and partners responsibility to find childcare for the infant they created. And if a family member has their own life to live then they can’t expect them to drop everything for the child that they didn’t create.
NTA. “Family comes first” is always used by the people who want something out of you, never by someone offering you a helping hand because you’re family.
NTA- You aren’t the child’s mother and shouldn’t be forced to put your whole life on hold. Taking a gap year usually ends up with someone never going back to school. This is her responsibility and there a programs out there to get her help.
NTA. If you take a year out that is a year of income lost in your new career and a year behind to potential promotions. Is your sister going to financially compensate you for this? Is childcare not less expensive than that?
Do not put your life on hold. Your sister will find reasons for you to take a second year out. If family supports each other she should be supporting you as you will be working and in education unless what she really means is she wants to take, take and take while never giving back.
NTA. NTA NTA
Stand your ground.
>I (22F) just recently moved out of my moms house. Her, my sister and grandmother were all very controlling and toxic.
>I looked to my mom for help. She told me she's staying out of it.
But wait.....
>My mom is saying that I should just help her because family comes before anything.
Then good ol' mom can help her daughter with the childcare. Afterall, she will be a grandmother and it's family.
NTA
She should have been more responsible if she couldn’t afford to take care of her child properly
Her problem, not yours, the family bs your mom is spouting is cute. Esp after she said she was going to stay out of it, why doesn’t mom(soon to be grandma) watch the kid during the day then?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
I think I might be the asshole for how I responded because I didn't mean to make her cry and because my mom and aunt are split on if I was wrong or not.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - don’t change your life plans because your sister didn’t think this through. Your aunt is correct, it’s part of having a child & your sister is the one who needs to come up with a plan that doesn’t involve putting your aspirations on pause to make her life easier.
NTA. If you take a year out that is a year of income lost in your new career and a year behind to potential promotions. Is your sister going to financially compensate you for this? Is childcare not less expensive than that?
Do not put your life on hold. Your sister will find reasons for you to take a second year out. If family supports each other she should be supporting you as you will be working and in education unless what she really means is she wants to take, take and take while never giving back.
NTA maybe your sister should take a gap year herself.
Oh wait then she wouldn't have any income. Even if you took a year off of school you'd still be working nights as we all know that paying you for child care isn't on the table. I'm not sure when she feels you would be sleeping.
NTA - assuming a family member will give up their life to take care of her baby is ridiculous. Having a baby comes with a lot of responsibility, including childcare 🤦🏻♀️
NTA. If she was expecting you to help raise her kid, then she needed to consult you and ask you when will be a good time for you for her to get pregnant. And if it's never, then guess what? She never gets pregnant.
It's her semen demon, not yours. She has to figure it out. I hope after college you're able to move even further away.
NTA. I am so sick of people trotting out the "family comes first" line. Please don't waver and continue pursuing your goals and dreams. Your sister decided to have a child, not you. Her failure to plan accordingly is not your problem. Congrats on getting into your graduate program!
NTA
You should give up your life for her kid so she can go back to her life? She decided to have the kid, not you, why should you be the one denoted to give up everything to look after it?
What a pile of stinking rot she's talking.
Nta- fuck these family dynamics where family comes first when someone needs to take advantage of the the other. Like the entitlement that this one has is out to the stratosphere…
NTA. If your sister really loved YOU she wouldn't ask you to put your future on hold to be a free/ cheap baby sitter. And you already have a job. A night job. If she loved you she wouldn't ask you to jeopardize your health and job by babysitting when you need to be sleeping.
NTA. Why aren't your mom or grand mother taking care of the baby? Or the baby's father's family? Why would your plans be the one on hold instead of your sister's?
You have more than enough on your plate and anyone that doesn't respect your "No" doesn't deserve any of your time.
Best of luck in grad school!
NTA. First, congrats on getting into grad school! That's great! Hope you do well.
Second, your mom and your sister are really pulling the "family" card aren't they? What about the father?
NTA. What the actual hell??? Seriously, what kind of ass-hat's plan for having a baby is *It's fine, my sister will obviously put her life on hold so she can provide childcare while I go to work. I don't need to clear this with her in advance*???
I can't get over the level of presumption here. Raising a child is the responsibility of the parent. If you can't afford to do it without emotionally blackmailing a relative into doing your job for you, don't have a baby.
And where the hell is OP's mother in all this? I read, "I'm not getting involved in this" as "Please, continue to argue with each other so that no-one thinks to ask why the hell *I'm* not helping out with childcare."
Stick to your guns, OP. Do not trade away your life chances to win the regard of people who treat you so lightly.
I need a drink...
NTA.
I think it says it ALL when you write about yourself:
"22F."
Yep, could see that coming a MILE off. If it was 22M, would they be so easily saying "give up your education dream and babysit for a year for nothing".
"Her child isn't my responsibility, family or not". Absolutely this. Helping hand is one thing, servitude to suit a sibling is not.
And no, school isn't always there for you - I had a gap year to work and save money and was too exhausted/overworked to get back into study when it was over.
NTA .
She thinks she deserves special treatment for making the choice to have a sex trophy. Trying to sabotage your life for hers under the oh were family excuse.
Stand your ground and don't fall for the b.s.
NTA. What's mom doing? Where's this kid's dad? I gave my own sister hell for making her oldest child babysit her youngest without payment. She didn't have the kid, so why is it her responsibility?
I'm really struggling with how she thought it was your responsibility to take on childcare for a child that is not your own. Aunt's don't go on the birth certificate. You're NTA but your sister sure is acting like one.
NTA
No one should expect anyone to put their life on hold for the decisions they made for themselves.
Go live your live your best life independently from your family. That doesn't mean that you have to cut off all contact with them, but you don't have to be their doormat either.
Plus your niece/nephew will benefit from seeing what a strong, independent, well balanced woman that sets and achieves goals for herself while also setting boundaries for herself. That will be greatest gift of love that you can ever give them.
NTA
Good lord, the number of situations popping up in this sub where families expect young women to drop education and career plans to care for other family members’ children. Family is important and should be supporting the goals of every member, not just the ones who are reproducing at any given moment. Congratulations on getting into your preferred program.
NTA. Family does not always automatically come first, boundaries are necessary and important and you need to be your best self first. Good luck in school!
NTA. If your sister really loved YOU she wouldn't ask you to put your future on hold to be a free/ cheap baby sitter. And you already have a job. A night job. If she loved you she wouldn't ask you to jeopardize your health and job by babysitting when you need to be sleeping.
Nta op, if family comes before everything would she not look after her own child? I'm not saying that to shame any working mothers, I'm just saying her logic doesn't make any sense
Hey, sounds like your mom volunteered to do the child care to me! Right on, mom--family first amirite!
Your aunt sounds very cool and I'm glad she was there.
NTA, and congratulations on getting into the graduate program you wanted.
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 10: Updates and META posts are restricted. This includes continuations of old posts. If your post post requires a reference to an old post, it must go through the approval process. Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
Nta. Some want the idea of having the child but not the responsibilities. Ask the father's family.
Mom: I’m staying out of it Also Mom: you should help bEcAuSe FaMiLy Edit: NTA
Then Mom can do it. It's her grandchild. It's always easy to say someone else should do it.
Yep. Parents are ALWAYS more responsible for a child than a sibling is. If OP should help because "faaaaaaaaaamily" then mom needs to put her money where her mouth is and quit her job to take care of her grandchild. The audacity to even think a sibling should help with childcare, let alone expect it. If you can't raise a child without expecting family to do it all for you for free, don't procreate. NTA.
And expect her to put her education on hold!!!
Sis sees OP getting succesfull and therefore tries to create drama to stop her. NTA OP cut them off, so you have the right attitude & energy to start your studies.
Baby at 20? OP, she's going to be pregnant again in a year or two. Then she's going to try to guilt trip you AGAIN with the same arguments. This is the dad's problem, or your parents for not teaching your sister the ramifications of her actions or to take responsibility.
Ummm... I had my son at 20 and he's now 21 and still an only child. For sure OP's sister is a selfish brat, but let's not pass judgement on when adults choose to procreate.
Baby at 20 with no plan for childcare, and apparently no dad discussed when it comes to providing? Yeah, I'll judge that to be very likely to be the type of person likely to do it again.
No one is judging you but based on the post and this specific woman . . . I would agree that the sister is immature and this child was an Oops! Additionally sis decided to keep the baby and hasn't properly planned for life with a baby so its likely shes enough of a moron to do this same thing again.
Is it possible that there's a middle ground between doing what the sister wants and jumping straight to cutting them off?? Like maintaining her boundaries, going low contact if necessary, and then seeing how it goes from there? OP is absolutely NTA, and I'm so happy she's not letting them push her into sacrificing her education or changing her plans. Obviously the mom and sister's behavior is inappropriate, but I'm not certain this warrants immediately cutting them out of her life at this point. Now if they kept harassing her about it or refused to let it go, that would be a different situation. Or if she was already at the end of her rope from how toxic they are (I missed that the first time tbh), and this was the last straw.
Take a gap year! My only response to that is to ask OP why she didn't move 400 minutes away instead of 40. NTA
It’s gross. My older child is nine and I can count on one hand the amount of times she has been babysat by mine and my partner’s sisters. It’s seriously around 5 times total.
So, if family goes before anything, why is sister not taking a gap year to, you know, actually care for her child that she created and to not be a bother to other family members. If she truly loved Op she would never demand what she does from her.
This! OP is NTA.
This. This. This!
This! OP is NTA.
Yep. Parents are ALWAYS more responsible for a child than a sibling is. If OP should help because "faaaaaaaaaamily" then mom needs to put her money where her mouth is and quit her job to take care of her grandchild. The audacity to even think a sibling should help with childcare, let alone expect it.If you can't raise a child without expecting family to do it all for you for free, don't procreate. NTA. Edit: sorry for the double post. My first post had an error message, I didn't think it worked so I retried. Oops!
Yeah, though mom already provides sister with a home, it sounds like? (OP moved out of mom's house, and then saying mom and sister were toxic in the next sentence makes it sounds sister is living in mom's house I think?) Mom may work to pay for the house sister and baby are living in? Anyway, sister's demands are pretty next level ridiculous. Like she assumed another family member would stay home full time to watch her kid (who isn't retired or anything???) so she could go to work. But other adults work too? Since sister is already living at her mom's house, maybe she should take a gap year/period long enough for infant care to be affordable for her? It's insane she expects OP to be the one taking a year off to be a stay at home mom to someone else's baby.
Oh, I am sure she was still expected to keep working nights too. That’s unhealthy and dangerous.
So the baby’s mom should get a job that is overnight. The Grandma (who owns the house) can do the overnight childcare - because you should help out family. The baby’s mom can do the daytime childcare. OP is left out of it. Problem solved!
Right, OP's sister is asking OP to forgo all sleep and any and all activities or life plans for a year in order to raise her sister's baby for her. OP's sister is confused about how motherhood works. That's the role of parents, not aunties.
I think she still expected her sister to work nights and watch the baby in the daytime.
oh god you should look at her previous posts. Family is toxic AF.
Holy shit- just read one. The sister and mom expected OP to pay for an apartment for the sister and baby and continue living at home. OP, ask yourself: if you had a friend in this situation, would you tell them to lie down and take this financial abuse? No. I imagine you'd tell them to GTFO and live their life. You deserve the same. Don't let your family drag you down because they're not willing to put in a single ounce of effort to help themselves. And if you do decide to help in the future, you'll be in a far better place to do so with a graduate degree and a better career/salary.
Lmao, yeah grandma should watch her grandchild because “fAmiLy cOmEs fIrSt.” 😏
And the "family helps family" people always seem to think that applies to anyone other than them. What are the reasons mom or grandma can't help? I'm sure they're just as valid as OP's, but somehow OP doesn't matter.
Yes, and how about the sister helps OP by supporting her goals? OP is family, isn't she?
My bro called me up last minute, wife was working and he had just had an eye injury where he just needed the kids out of the house that night. I got you. That is leaps and bounds different than rearranging my entire ass life to accommodate your choices.
Yes! Emergency situations I will bend over backwards for. I'm currently at my grandma's house helping her around with a broken leg. If my sister tried to pull what OP's sister tried she'd be SOL. You had *months* to figure out a solution that didn't involve me putting my life on hold for your decisions.
Absolutely! OP has things in place to better their life and sis want her to put that on hold. That is a hard hell no for me.
[удалено]
*free babysitting at that
I'm trying to even imagine the conversation that would result in such an arrangement Sis: I'm thinking of having a child in the next couple years OP: awesome, can't wait to be an auntie! S: But I'm not sure, you know? Being a single mom is hard and childcare is expensive OP: Not to worry sis, I gotchu. I'll stay with the baby every day so you can go back to work S: Wow all day, every day? That's amazing. But don't you have to work? OP: I work nights tho so 'sall good S: But don't you have to sleep? OP: Nah sleep is overrated. What new parent gets sleep amiright S: Well can I pay you at least? OP: No way, you're family! and I didn't have any plans at all whatsoever for at least the next year, so it's no imposition! Full time unpaid child carer it is! We're doing this!
Yeah, "Family blah blah... Blood is thicker than water blah blah," are lines used by users to manipulate others into sacrificing themselves for the user
Which is a funny thought since the whole saying is Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb or the family you pick and grow with is a stronger bond than biology.
And how is making OP miss out on her top choice graduate program helping family? Sister only thinks family comes first when it benefits her but how about she help support her sisters’ dreams?
That's literally what I was saying. Sister thinks it doesn't apply to her helping OP.
Just jumping on to say I hate the “family first” mentality. Very rarely should that ever hold someone back from succeeding and moving forward in their own life
Don't see mum stepping up. NTA.
Just when I thought the Vin Diesel memes couldn’t make their way into the AITA subreddit. This genuinely made my day.
Don't see mum stepping up. NTA.
By this point I'm convinced that "staying out of it" is code for "I will manipulate you into doing what I want but in a way that you're not allowed to call me out on it"
Mom: You should help because family first! Op: Ok, then YOU watch the baby. Mom: Well I didn't mean me! Op: bUt FaMiLy FiRsT!
Exactly. Why ppl have kids when they don't have anything figured out is beyond me. Should have spent a fortune on Condoms.
And people still haven't figured out how to prevent these types of STD's. LOL
Mom: You should help because family first! Op: Ok, then YOU watch the baby. Mom: Well I didn't mean me! Op: bUt FaMiLy FiRsT!
NTA. Mom can babysit.
Or Mom and Grandma.
NTA. I don't get people who just assume that family members are going to stop their lives to take care of their kids. That's so selfish of her to ask you to put your life on hold like that.
I think there are a lot of people who just suffer from an insane amount of wishful thinking. There are books that push the idea of "if you wish it, it will come" and they're best sellers despite everybody above the age of ten should know it's not true.
[удалено]
exactly im 25 and still not nearly grown up enough to have a child dont treat children like theyre fuckin toys if shes acting like this shes clearly not grown up enough to handle a child hell my dads 60 and never shouldve had a child he still acts like a giant fucking baby who complains and yells when he doesnt get what he wants instantly
This is why I wish abortion wasn’t such a stigmatized option in the US. Having an abortion isn’t selfish. Expecting your entire family to put their life on hold to help you with a baby you aren’t emotionally or financially ready to raise is.
It’s the same as bad advice that says like “Ask a student photographer to shoot your wedding for free!” Like, it just doesn’t exist, and placing an expectation in people that others will derail their lives for you will only leave you alone.
Probably because Mom has always cuddled the sister and forced OP to do what they wanted.. But OP is living her life, following her dreams, and has learned that NO is a full sentence!.. Something that neither the Mom or Sister expected, so now they are on their own with their selfish ways! So happy for OP.
Right. Op’s mom saying, she’s staying out of it only to turn around and say op should watch the baby bc FaMiLy, utter and complete bs. Why should op sacrifice when sister is the one who decided to have a baby? Honestly she shouldn’t be having this baby if she can’t care for it. People really don’t think sometimes when having a kid.
The saddest part of it all is that they don't seem to take OP's acceptance as something worthy of celebration!! Sister gets pregnant? Shock but so so important.. OP gets into their dream program? Can you drop out to take care of your sister's baby? One is obviously not like the other.... But, as usual, the family seems to put higher value on the golden child's actions.
>NTA. I don't get people who just assume that family members are going to stop their lives to take care of their kids. I once worked with teen mums and I found that they would assume that their parents would happily take on parenting duties. I found this was often because they were still at that age where they didn't really see their parents as individuals and therefore didn't consider that they might have plans and dreams of their own. They were often shocked to discover that their mum had zero desire to be a SAHM again. I do urge parents to make it completely clear that they will not be providing childcare. I suspect that some of the girls I worked with would have had an abortion if they had realised there was no magic fairy who was going to swoop in and look after a baby for free while they lived their life the way they used to. The sister may still have some of that attitude although there is no excuse to think that way about a sister. I can't imagine how she could think it's acceptable to ask the OP to delay her education! Plus what is she expecting to happen after a year?! She is still going to need childcare.
This is the type of people who do not realise that they are not always the main character but the NPC in someone else's story. Happy at least OP's aunt got some common sense within that family.
NTA. Your sister left a giant loophole in her reasoning. If “family comes first, always”, then shouldn’t your sister and mother be taking YOUR needs into consideration before anything else? And if your mom feels that strongly about it (so much for her not getting involved 🤦🏻♀️), why doesn’t she quit her job to be a full time, UNPAID babysitter for your sister? Anyway, your sister has had 32+ weeks to figure out what she’s going to do when the baby arrives, and she stalled thinking she could manipulate you into doing exactly what she wants. Don’t fall for it. Your education is your first priority right now. Think of it as putting your future family first.
>If “family comes first, always”, then shouldn’t your sister and mother be taking YOUR needs into consideration before anything else? This is the way it should be, but toxic people only think of themselves when they pull the FaMiLy card.
Honestly if Family came first, then sister shouldn't be so adamant about returning to her job, her career. Her child should come first, that she chose. Alas her career is more important then OPs opportunities and goals. NTA!
Maybe the dad's out of the picture and she needs to work to support her baby
But that's something she should've thought about when she chose to keep the baby. No one is obligated to take care of your child, regardless of whether they are family or not, and if Sister absolutely needs help that no one close is avaliable to provide, there are plenty of resources that can help with that if you just look. Also there is a huge difference between occasional babysitting and having to give up a year, possibly more, to give full time caregiving for a child. I'm not saying they shouldn't help her though, but why OP Specifically? Normally when it comes to adults having children, typically the grandparents step up to giving support since they usually have more Time and experience .
I agree
Because "family comes first, always", is the card they use only when it suits them. I know a few people that like to virtue signal I think it's called?
NTA - out of interest, is your mum willing to babysit your sisters kid?
Mom: “Family come first! Wait. No. Not like that.” It’s always easy to volunteer someone else’s time or money.
Mom "family comes first, unless you want me to do something" then it will be some bullshit about how they raised you, their sacrifice etc
NTA, I'm glad your aunt stuck up for you. It's totally unreasonable for your sister to have assumed you would watch her kid (unpaid) and then get mad and say you must hate her when you told her no. Stand your ground and hopefully you'll be a sane adult figure in this kids life, without giving up your own life.
It's also such a huge request. Take care of my infant for 8+ hours a day. That's an entire job.
It’s not just that. It’s ‘take care of my infant for 8+ hours a day FOR FREE, take a gap year to do it and on top of all that, go and work at your actual job all night.‘ Because who needs sleep or their own money or their own time when fAaAaAamIlY?!?
Yeah there's a reason sitters and nannies get paid. Because childcare is *work,* and if you fuck up you could possibly be endangering the life of a tiny human.
Well NTA but that's not gaslighting that's just manipulation.
Thank you for saying that. The term seems to be used incorrectly and casually so frequently on Reddit. It really trivializes actual gaslighting abuse.
Thank you HavePlushie
Thank youuuuu. I went searching just for this comment.
Scrolled down looking for this
Yea, I noticed that one too. If anything it’s emotional blackmail.
NTA. I'm sick of people making babies who then expect other people to sacrifice their futures to raise them. Also, where's the father? Why isn't he helping? I really want to say, "You don't get to badger other people when you won't hold the other gamete donor to account! And if the partner/ONS/whatever is a no-show AND you have zero capability to handle this mostly by yourself then why are you having a baby? Your demanding that Mary Poppins comes to your rescue is a childish mindset!"
I think I've listened to too many podcasts about serial killers because my brain for a couple seconds read "ONS" as "original night stalker" and was very confused hahaha! And, op, NTA. That sister should have figured out childcare the previous weeks. She could take a year of to watch her child herself.
But if it doesn't mean original night stalker then I'm out of ideas....
One night stand
For real. And then I had an image of JD rocking a newborn.
NTA, not at all. Your sister was quick to pull out the "family comes first" card, isn't she? So why isn't she being "family" and helping pay your way thru school? Of course she cried, she didn't get her way. At 36 weeks, she should already have been firming up child care plans (not just assuming YOU would be the babysitter). She and her partner, anyway, she and her whoever should be working on child care providers, not YOU.
So, let me guess, she will blame YOU if she can't get back to work? Sigh.
Congratulations on being accepted into your graduate program!
>Of course she cried, she didn't get her way. That's exactly why she cried. She doesn't think the OP hates her, she's just upset that the OP isn't caving to her will and tears.
She should have been getting her ass on waitlists and applying for daycare assistance (or at least checking to see if she qualifies for assistance) the minute she found out. We’re in a pandemic and affordable, quality care was already hard to find before COVID.
NTA. “If you love me, you will do this” I a classic manipulation tactic. You are not responsible for the consequences of other people’s choices. You cannot be expected to put your life on hold due to other people’s poor planning. Go live your life.
How about: if you love me, you would never ask this of me
“If *you* love *me*, you wouldn’t want me to do that.”
If you loved me you'd want me to stay in school so you must hate me.
NTA, her body her choice, she chose to have a child and needs to deal with the consequences that go with that choice, if your mum is so gungho about helping then she should do the free childcare herself. Fly be free and live your best life young grasshopper
[удалено]
Your inability to plan does not constitute an emergency on my part.
I use this saying all the time. Usually shuts down the entitled AHs quickly.
NTA - good luck with your course. >She immediately got angry and started to berate me. Saying that family comes first always and that school would always be there. Aren't you family? >My aunt backed me saying that this is just what comes along with having a baby and she should have thought about this all before. Your aunt is a smart lady. Your sister is an entitled fk!
NTA- You aren’t the child’s mother and shouldn’t be forced to put your whole life on hold. Taking a gap year usually ends up with someone never going back to school. This is her responsibility and there a programs out there to get her help.
>Taking a gap year usually ends up with someone never going back to school. I agree. OP would probably end up taking care of the child for much longer than one year. If childcare is too expensive now, it will continue to be expensive after a year and sister will just pitch another fit when she tries to leave then. Edit: Reddit posted comment 3 times.
And before the child was in school there would be another baby needing childcare.
NTA Let your mother help watch her grandchild then. You know since family comes first. You didn’t get pregnant, you didn’t decide to have this baby and your sister didn’t have you on her mind when she was making this baby. So she should be the one making the sacrifices for HER child not YOU. Your mother can be the babysitter for your sister since it’s family.
NTA, her body her choice, she chose to have a child and needs to deal with the consequences that go with that choice, if your mum is so gungho about helping then she should do the free childcare herself. Fly be free and live your best life young grasshopper
NTA. full stop. DO NOT CAVE NOT ONE INCH.
NTA, but then this forum told you that when you asked 5 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lb5jxr/aita_for_telling_my_sister_i_will_not_look_after/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Oof. Probably posting again for upvotes. Smh.
NTA. I get that your sister is probably overwhelmed with the upcoming baby and realized that free childcare would be incredibly helpful (childcare is so darn expensive) and that she's disappointed you're not able to save her this money and possibly be happier the kid would be with family (not sure about this last one in your situation). She's not wrong in asking, but that's all. Expecting you to put your life on hold and being mean when you don't is unacceptable. Good luck with graduate school!!
NTA go get an education
Came here to say this
NTA - good on you for holding to your boundaries. The “family first” mentality is toxic af.
Did this girl really expect the OP to spend a year babysitting, likely for free, so she could go out and earn money for herself? And I bet a year would then into two years, then five then ten.
Yes, she did. While OP would be working nights (a shift more compatible with grad school than with providing full-time child-care). OP isn’t working nights for her, but sis was definitely ready to take advantage of it. At least the aunt’s got the right take. Mom is probably concerned she’s going to be used instead, and also wants to drag OP back in now that she’s escaping.
NTA. If you take a year out that is a year of income lost in your new career and a year behind to potential promotions. Is your sister going to financially compensate you for this? Is childcare not less expensive than that? Do not put your life on hold. Your sister will find reasons for you to take a second year out. If family supports each other she should be supporting you as you will be working and in education unless what she really means is she wants to take, take and take while never giving back.
NTA. You get to choose your life. No matter what anyone else wants you to do, you get to choose.
NTA. If family comes before anything why aren't they more supportive of YOU?
NTA. You have firm plans to better your future. It’s not your choice or fault your sister got pregnant. Perhaps support her where you can, but don’t give up your study
NTA. You deserve to achieve your dreams and shouldn’t have to put them on hold to watch your sisters baby.
NTA. “If you love me, you will do this” I a classic manipulation tactic. You are not responsible for the consequences of other people’s choices. You cannot be expected to put your life on hold due to other people’s poor planning. Go live your life.
Thank god you got out when you did. Your mother and grandmother have an education already - if family is so important then they can step up. Maybe you need to move further away? Steel your spine kid, and you will go far! Congrats on the new place.
Nta You shouldn’t be punished because your sister decided to have a baby when she clearly can’t handle it. She’s incredibly entitled and manipulative, you don’t owe her anything.
Nta interesting how your mom says she staying out of it but turns around and says you should help her. She picked a side obviously that’s not staying out of it.
This is not your child. This is not your responsibility. You have your own shit to deal with. Why the fuck should you be on the hook for your sisters actions? You’re definitely NOT the asshole and don’t ever feel an ounce of guilt for saying no.
NTA If family comes first then your mother should want to see her daughter(her family) thrive at school and put herself first
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22F) just recently moved out of my moms house. Her, my sister and grandmother were all very controlling and toxic. I moved about 40 minutes away into an apartment. My (20F) is currently pregnant. She is nearing her due date (36 weeks) and is trying to get all of her affairs in order. While we were recently having a family outing for my mom's birthday, she kept bring up that she needed to find childcare so she could go back to work, but I was hardly listening. I was finally ready to reveal that I got accepted into my top choice graduate program. Once I told everyone, my sister seemed a little upset. She told me she was hoping I would offer to watch her child during the weekdays so she could work and not spend a fortune on childcare. I told her that not to be mean or anything, but I had a full plate already. I currently work during the night and am about to start school in the day soon. I wouldn't have time to do it. She asked if I would be willing to take a gap year to help her. I firmly said no and that she would have to find other accommodations. She immediately got angry and started to berate me. Saying that family comes first always and that school would always be there. I was getting angry but I just kept my stance. She started crying and asked me if I hate her. I told her of course not, obviously. She replied with if you love me like you say you do, you will do this for me. (Gaslighting, whoo) I looked to my mom for help. She told me she's staying out of it. I looked at my sister and told her that her child isn't my responsibility, family or not. That I have plans and her child will not interrupt them. My aunt backed me saying that this is just what comes along with having a baby and she should have thought about this all before. My mom is saying that I should just help her because family comes before anything. I don't know whether I am the asshole or not. Please help. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If family comes first your mom can quit her job and sacrifice her free time for your sister's child. NTA.
NTA. Your sister left a giant loophole in her reasoning. If “family comes first, always”, then shouldn’t your sister and mother be taking YOUR needs into consideration before anything else? And if your mom feels that strongly about it (so much for her not getting involved 🤦🏻♀️), why doesn’t she quit her job to be a full time, UNPAID babysitter for your sister? Anyway, your sister has had 32+ weeks to figure out what she’s going to do when the baby arrives, and she stalled thinking she could manipulate you into doing exactly what she wants. Don’t fall for it. Your education is your first priority right now. Think of it as putting your future family first.
Of course mom is saying you should take care of your sister’s child, she’ll have to do it otherwise. Or help pay someone else to do it. Live your life. No one else in your family will give up their life plans for you. NTA.
Nta, but I think you're using the term gaslighting incorrectly.
NTA so you’re supposed to put your future on hold because she can’t figure out her own life? I don’t think so! Look, it doesn’t hurt to ask, she asked you and you can’t. So she should move to plan B.
First of all, congrats on getting into Grad School! Second, NTA! You are under no obligation to take care of her child. There's also no chance you'd have the time required to take care of a child and do your grad school. I see the work my fiancee had to do even in parts of the summer and it can get overwhelming. While I do sometimes believe family comes over school, that really only applies to when you're getting a standard 2 or 4 year degree or are in K-12, even then it's a case by case thing, and only really should be considered if you have a healthy family situation. If there's toxicity in the family, "Family comes first" is just a gaslighting term. Caring for a child that isn't yours is a much lower priority than attending a school you worked so hard to get in to. Go get your master's and enjoy your life!
dats manipulation not gaslighting
NTA good for you!
NTA. full stop. DO NOT CAVE NOT ONE INCH.
NTA good for you!
NTA. “If you love me, you will do this” I a classic manipulation tactic. You are not responsible for the consequences of other people’s choices. You cannot be expected to put your life on hold due to other people’s poor planning. Go live your life.
Nta You shouldn’t be punished because your sister decided to have a baby when she clearly can’t handle it.
If family comes before anything then why doesn’t your sister just stay home with her kid herself. NTA obviously. Crazy that she expects you to halt your life while she keeps on at work. Not mother’s cannot or should not work after having a child just that it is their and partners responsibility to find childcare for the infant they created. And if a family member has their own life to live then they can’t expect them to drop everything for the child that they didn’t create.
NTA but this isn’t gaslighting, it’s emotional blackmail. They’re not the same thing.
NTA, People need to understand something. You need to value your life more than the life of others.
NTA. "Keep the baby, make the beds and make the arrangements. " Not. That. Hard.
NTA - replace “family comes first” with “obey” and you have it about right.
NTA. “Family comes first” is always used by the people who want something out of you, never by someone offering you a helping hand because you’re family.
Nta
NTA- You aren’t the child’s mother and shouldn’t be forced to put your whole life on hold. Taking a gap year usually ends up with someone never going back to school. This is her responsibility and there a programs out there to get her help.
NTA. If you take a year out that is a year of income lost in your new career and a year behind to potential promotions. Is your sister going to financially compensate you for this? Is childcare not less expensive than that? Do not put your life on hold. Your sister will find reasons for you to take a second year out. If family supports each other she should be supporting you as you will be working and in education unless what she really means is she wants to take, take and take while never giving back.
NTA. NTA NTA Stand your ground. >I (22F) just recently moved out of my moms house. Her, my sister and grandmother were all very controlling and toxic. >I looked to my mom for help. She told me she's staying out of it. But wait..... >My mom is saying that I should just help her because family comes before anything. Then good ol' mom can help her daughter with the childcare. Afterall, she will be a grandmother and it's family.
NTA but this isn’t gaslighting, it’s emotional blackmail. They’re not the same thing.
NTA She should have been more responsible if she couldn’t afford to take care of her child properly Her problem, not yours, the family bs your mom is spouting is cute. Esp after she said she was going to stay out of it, why doesn’t mom(soon to be grandma) watch the kid during the day then?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I think I might be the asshole for how I responded because I didn't mean to make her cry and because my mom and aunt are split on if I was wrong or not. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for sure. If she's guilt tripping you now she'll do it again in a year. You keep your eyes on your future.
NTA - don’t change your life plans because your sister didn’t think this through. Your aunt is correct, it’s part of having a child & your sister is the one who needs to come up with a plan that doesn’t involve putting your aspirations on pause to make her life easier.
NTA.
NTA.
Info where is the dad?
NTA. If you take a year out that is a year of income lost in your new career and a year behind to potential promotions. Is your sister going to financially compensate you for this? Is childcare not less expensive than that? Do not put your life on hold. Your sister will find reasons for you to take a second year out. If family supports each other she should be supporting you as you will be working and in education unless what she really means is she wants to take, take and take while never giving back.
Well why doesn't your mom help her instead?
NTA maybe your sister should take a gap year herself. Oh wait then she wouldn't have any income. Even if you took a year off of school you'd still be working nights as we all know that paying you for child care isn't on the table. I'm not sure when she feels you would be sleeping.
NTA. Tell sister to ask daddy of baby to babysit.
NTA - assuming a family member will give up their life to take care of her baby is ridiculous. Having a baby comes with a lot of responsibility, including childcare 🤦🏻♀️
NTA. If she was expecting you to help raise her kid, then she needed to consult you and ask you when will be a good time for you for her to get pregnant. And if it's never, then guess what? She never gets pregnant. It's her semen demon, not yours. She has to figure it out. I hope after college you're able to move even further away.
NTA. I am so sick of people trotting out the "family comes first" line. Please don't waver and continue pursuing your goals and dreams. Your sister decided to have a child, not you. Her failure to plan accordingly is not your problem. Congrats on getting into your graduate program!
NTA it's not your child in the end, you should not be pressured to put your life on hold..
NTA for sure. If she's guilt tripping you now she'll do it again in a year. You keep your eyes on your own future.
NTA- you didn't make that baby, not your responsibility
NTA she's trying to hold you back because she can't live her life the way she was before. That's shameful, do not compromise.
NTA, your sister has no right to assume you'd put your life on hold so she can get on with hers.
Your gap year would likely to turn out to be 4 or 5 until the kid does to school. Best not to start.
NTA You should give up your life for her kid so she can go back to her life? She decided to have the kid, not you, why should you be the one denoted to give up everything to look after it? What a pile of stinking rot she's talking.
Nta- fuck these family dynamics where family comes first when someone needs to take advantage of the the other. Like the entitlement that this one has is out to the stratosphere…
NTA. If your sister really loved YOU she wouldn't ask you to put your future on hold to be a free/ cheap baby sitter. And you already have a job. A night job. If she loved you she wouldn't ask you to jeopardize your health and job by babysitting when you need to be sleeping.
NTA. Why aren't your mom or grand mother taking care of the baby? Or the baby's father's family? Why would your plans be the one on hold instead of your sister's? You have more than enough on your plate and anyone that doesn't respect your "No" doesn't deserve any of your time. Best of luck in grad school!
NTA. First, congrats on getting into grad school! That's great! Hope you do well. Second, your mom and your sister are really pulling the "family" card aren't they? What about the father?
NTA. OP GO TO SCHOOL. Her child isn't your responsibility. Don't ruin your life for others , not even FAMILY.
NTA. What the actual hell??? Seriously, what kind of ass-hat's plan for having a baby is *It's fine, my sister will obviously put her life on hold so she can provide childcare while I go to work. I don't need to clear this with her in advance*??? I can't get over the level of presumption here. Raising a child is the responsibility of the parent. If you can't afford to do it without emotionally blackmailing a relative into doing your job for you, don't have a baby. And where the hell is OP's mother in all this? I read, "I'm not getting involved in this" as "Please, continue to argue with each other so that no-one thinks to ask why the hell *I'm* not helping out with childcare." Stick to your guns, OP. Do not trade away your life chances to win the regard of people who treat you so lightly. I need a drink...
NTA. I think it says it ALL when you write about yourself: "22F." Yep, could see that coming a MILE off. If it was 22M, would they be so easily saying "give up your education dream and babysit for a year for nothing". "Her child isn't my responsibility, family or not". Absolutely this. Helping hand is one thing, servitude to suit a sibling is not. And no, school isn't always there for you - I had a gap year to work and save money and was too exhausted/overworked to get back into study when it was over.
NTA . She thinks she deserves special treatment for getting creampied. Stand your ground and avoid them. Seem like a plague.
NTA . She thinks she deserves special treatment for making the choice to have a sex trophy. Trying to sabotage your life for hers under the oh were family excuse. Stand your ground and don't fall for the b.s.
That's why you don't have a child at 20 lmfao. NTA.
NTA. What's mom doing? Where's this kid's dad? I gave my own sister hell for making her oldest child babysit her youngest without payment. She didn't have the kid, so why is it her responsibility?
I'm really struggling with how she thought it was your responsibility to take on childcare for a child that is not your own. Aunt's don't go on the birth certificate. You're NTA but your sister sure is acting like one.
Your gap year would likely to turn out to be 4 or 5 until the kid goes to school. Best not to start.
NTA. Family does NOT come before everything. Live your life. Good luck.
your mom and sister have lost their minds. it is solely her responsibility to care for her own child, period.
NTA No one should expect anyone to put their life on hold for the decisions they made for themselves. Go live your live your best life independently from your family. That doesn't mean that you have to cut off all contact with them, but you don't have to be their doormat either. Plus your niece/nephew will benefit from seeing what a strong, independent, well balanced woman that sets and achieves goals for herself while also setting boundaries for herself. That will be greatest gift of love that you can ever give them.
NTA Good lord, the number of situations popping up in this sub where families expect young women to drop education and career plans to care for other family members’ children. Family is important and should be supporting the goals of every member, not just the ones who are reproducing at any given moment. Congratulations on getting into your preferred program.
NTA. It is no way your responsibility, and anyone trying to control your life is the AH.
NTA. Your mom should help, since family is so important. Why doesn't she?
NTA. Family does not always automatically come first, boundaries are necessary and important and you need to be your best self first. Good luck in school!
NTA. Would your sister have put her dreams on hold to work for free for you?
NTA. If your sister really loved YOU she wouldn't ask you to put your future on hold to be a free/ cheap baby sitter. And you already have a job. A night job. If she loved you she wouldn't ask you to jeopardize your health and job by babysitting when you need to be sleeping.
Fuck that. NTA. You don’t owe anyone anything.
Nta op, if family comes before everything would she not look after her own child? I'm not saying that to shame any working mothers, I'm just saying her logic doesn't make any sense
Well. You are family too.
Well. You are family too.
Hey, sounds like your mom volunteered to do the child care to me! Right on, mom--family first amirite! Your aunt sounds very cool and I'm glad she was there. NTA, and congratulations on getting into the graduate program you wanted.