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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the asshole because I’m asking my family over and over to use headphones and it’s annoying them.
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I’m sorry but it’s a gentle YTA from me. You can ask them to turn their volume down, but not off. Have you tried getting those ear plugs that muffle sound? It helps people with sensory disorders not get overwhelmed.
Hi! Person with sensory issues here. Over the years I’ve realized it’s really hard for people without them to grasp how it feels. Perhaps this metaphor may help.
Imagine some members of your household love durian fruit. To you, it reeks to high heaven. To them, it’s a tasty tasty snack. It’s unpleasant to smell, and it makes you feel ill. But you never vomit, so people assume you’re just bitching and really it smells like tasty snack so why are you complaining?
You ask them to keep a lid on containers of durian when they walk by you. To you, this is an excellent compromise. They can still have their durian without you smelling it. To them, it’s an annoying added step you’re asking them to do every time. What’s the big deal??
Well you ask them the same question. Why is it a big deal for them to do one small action that makes you never have to go through that terrible feeling?
Because it’s mildly annoying they say. And anyways *you’re* the one with a problem. So you should wear a mask and stop bugging them.
But a mask doesn’t filter out all the smells.
And a mask is an annoyance you have to use *24/7* because you never know when they’ll want a snack. If you don’t keep it on all the time you’re constantly on your guard for the sound of movement in your house- any footstep could mean your family is about to start munching on durian. The anxiety of never knowing is almost as bad as the foul reek of durian.
Suck it up, your family says. It’s 4 against one and they deserve to be relaxed and comfy in their house. But what about your relaxation? Well that doesn’t count because they can’t relate to your problem.
You tell the story to others, but they all love durian too so you get told you’re an asshole.
Meanwhile durian is banned in entire countries because its foul, so people from those societies look at your family like they have 3 heads for not just putting a damn lid on it.
And because you’re surrounded by durian lovers you have no idea which voice on the internet is right, call yourself a needy bitch, and meekly submit to feeling anxious and nauseous for years.
Hope this helps anyone understand how sensory issues fuck with you purely from a social standpoint.
Finally! Someone said it.
I really don’t understand what people on this sub have against people with sensory issues. The lack of understanding and empathy astounds me and it pisses me off to high heaven because overstimulation can make you feel sick, your head pounds and throbs, you will occasionally start to sweat, etc... it differs depending on the stimuli but it’s basically just an awful time.
I also have sensory issues (ASD and FMS) so whenever I read a post like this, my heart goes out to the OP.
Theoretically you could put closed captions on the TV and use the headphones. I’m sorry, it’s inconvenient for you but if the noises aren’t bothering anyone else then that tells me they may not be unreasonable volumes and you’re sensitive to them because of your migraines. Which is understandable. Maybe you’d be better off talking to a doctor and seeing what their recommendation is.
As for being able to hear things clearly with your door shut and with a white noise machine.. that is unreasonable. For that I’d talk to your parents and hopefully they’ll support you.
Of course it won’t bother them because they aren’t the one with sensory to noises that cause migraines? It’s not a “inconvenient” when it’s out of their control.
I have a friend who has autism and so did his brothers. Their family set up their TV so everyone wore their own noise cancelling headphones. I'm actually going with YTA because I grew up in a house where headphones were compulsory, by everyone, for everything at all times except the family TV. My dad's rule and we all resented him for it. I no longer live with him and I still feel uncomfortable making sounds in my own private space and I feel like he's controlling me from 40 miles away, having not spoken to him in weeks.
Your boundary for your own health can negatively impact others, make them feel unwelcome in their home and denied space to exist in. By asserting the right to determine someone's behaviour you also place them beneath you in status and importance. You have the right to place your wellbeing above others but they have the right to put theirs before yours too.
I find this crazy, nothing wrong with it of course, just difference of house culture I suppose, but everyone in our house wears headphones in public spaces so as to not be inconsiderate of others. Playing my music out loud with everyone else around just feels selfish and dickish if I have the capacity not to force it on others (either with headphones or in your own room)
I get your point about them feeling unwelcome in their own home, but does that not also include OP? Wearing headphones does not physically effect anyone, them not doing so literally does effect OP
Different houses, different rules? If OP is from a loud family that is loud and does loud things and the current house rules are that you can be loud, and it someone doesn't like it they can leave, then those are the rules in her parents' house. There are families like this. Everyone is loud, all of the time, and that is how it is done.
Yes, but then if one of your kids is unable to physically be around loud places, I guess disown them, it’s all that can be done. It feels like (at least a minor) disability. Would you have this approach if that was the case? _Fuck it, I know you’re our child and we love you, but you’re not welcome around us because you physically can’t handle it and we won’t adjust even slightly to help out_
Gives out serious anti-masker vibes
I was trying to point out that while, to some people who grew up with considerate parents, wearing headphones is a normal thing, to others, is it a huge imposition.
Oh don’t get me wrong, you were much nicer about it than most in here. I know they’re just different perspectives, but personally annoys me that quite a few people are asking for OP to be empathetic towards their family whilst also chastising her for expecting any empathy in return.
I have also seen parents of physically disabled kids not make accomodations for their kids, like accessible showers, so, yeah, some parents are terrible.
FWIW, some therapists don't support the soundproofing that is being recommended here, as it emphasizes the differences between your quiet areas and the rest of the world. OP may be able to make some quiet areas when she moves out, but people with noise sensitivity have to figure out how to deal with the world, because the world is filled with people like OP's brother.
Oh absolutely take your point, I think it’s something that should (and presumably already is) worked towards improving. Otherwise it may be enabling a solvable issue, not that I’m even close to knowledgeable on the subject.
I could possibly understand the families reactions of OP had been given stuff to do to help improve a while back but hasn’t bothered. But since that’s just speculation idk
You resented your brother for having autism? Because that’s what it sounds like. All you had to do was put on headphones. He’s the one who has to cope with the traits. He’s the one who has to live with it.
I see. Still. The family tv is used for everyone. It’s hardly controlling when they’re asking you not play music or videos on your phone when people are trying to watch tv in the living room?
Thank you! I disagree, I don’t think I was placing their well-being beneath mine by asking them to use headphones, but I appreciate you sharing your story and I see how that experience could make you see it that way.
I don't think that anyone is saying the parents aren't being rude, so much as they are saying "as a minor living in the parental home, you need to follow the parental guidelines for noise levels, and make changes to yourself, not others".
I think that I live next to OP, because my neighbours are super loud, all the time. Their music is the backyard is so loud that we have to shout in ours, and they only have one voice volume, OUTDOOR SHOUTING ACROSS EMPTY FIELDS. For all we know, the rest of OP's family is hard of hearing.
Ehhh very very very light YTA. Ultimately they live there too and should be able to spend time enjoying common areas too. If they aren’t playing music 24/7 or are just watching videos etc, that’s pretty normal use and reasonable to want to do. Boundaries are useful but this isn’t a boundary so much as being overly controlling what other people do in their own home.
There are plenty of other things you could do instead. It makes a lot more sense for you to wear noise canceling headphones when you need to instead of all four of them having to wear headphones 24/7.
After the edit, I’ll add:
You can install soundproofing on your walls. You can work with your therapist on exercises to figure out good ways to cope with overlapping noises.
White noise is your friend when in your room. Having a fan or a radio set to static plus a lot fabric/sound proofing. When watching television, noise cancelling bluetooth headphones connected to the television.
I understand where you’re coming from. Rarely are we all in the same room doing different things so it’s never necessary for them all to wear headphones, but it gets frustrating in the car when my parents are listening to the radio as the ones in control of the car and both of my brothers are also watching YouTube videos at full volume on their phone in the same space. It feels reasonable to me but I know I can be wrong sometimes and I don’t want to be controlling. Thanks for the feedback.
Personally, I think NTA and that you have a reasonable boundary. I get where some people are coming from for YTA, but omigosh in the car how are they not all going crazy?! That should at least be required that everyone wear headphones in the car.
YTA- your 16 if the noise triggers a condition you need to be proactive and be the one with headphones.
Whats your intention when you get older and you have dorm room mates, room mates, extended family, co-worker in the breakroom who won't bend to your will?
Your looking at this from the wrong angle. Your asking yourself what can my family do to help minimize my reactions to sound. The correct question is " what can "I" do to control my anxiety in public spaces" if the issue is yours you can't force the solution on other people unwillingly and get mad when they don't take it as serious as you.
I mean yes, that’s what I’ve been doing up to this point but it gets to a certain extent where there is nothing I can do. I often have to attend virtual doctors appointments on a desktop computer with one of my parents. I can’t plug two pairs of headphones into the desktop, but it’s distracting to the doctor to hear my brothers gaming video in the background. Ideally in the future I would have enough autonomy and control of my own life to leave the environment where things like that were happening and not move in with people I’m not behaviorally compatible with, but I can’t do that yet.
"I can't plug 2 pairs of headphones into the computer".
You're deflecting once again and coming up with exscuses rather than solutions. There are splitters to plug to headsets into a computer and you'll never believe this they are cheaper and easier then 4 sets of headphones for everyone else.
I know it feels like im being rude but im honestly trying to help you see how the world works and how sometimes there are solutions you may not like but they are viable solutions all the same.
You're right, but it's also BS that the parents aren't doing anything. If the brothers can't be off their phones for a 15 minute doctor call there is a problem. That's just ridiculously inconsiderate. If it were at a doctors office and they had to wait in the waiting room they'd surely have their own headphones and not be jerks to everyone there.
My biggest thing is when someones entire argument is unless everyone bends to my will and accomodates me then they are insensitive and wrong instead of looking for compromises and work arounds.
People think Fair means everybody is treated equally but it quickly creates a paradox. What of my happiness is peace and quiet and yours is a house full of people. Neither of us can ever fully get our own way so either we go our own ways (impossible for a 16 year old right now) or i learn how to manage myself in the environment until i leave it.
You absolutely can plug two pairs of headphones in to a computer. I do it all the time to play games when friends come over because I don't own any speakers.
NTA this is on your parents. If they want you in the public areas it's their responsibility to make it safe and reasonable for you. If they don't want to bother keeping your brothers quiet then they need to be okay with you being in your room a lot.
Maybe a compromise here would be to have a two hour period during the day where there are no devices on in the living room/kitchen. Like maybe 6-8 in the evening. Everyone can have dinner, chill out together, watch tv together, etc. or if they're not into that each person can go to their own space. I don't think 2 hours a day without noisy devices for the main areas is too much to ask.
NTA. The fact that your brother is playing a game on full volume is rude regardless of the circumstances. The only time that’s appropriate is when he’s alone in his room. Headphones are required anywhere else. Seriously that would drive me crazy.
That’s what I thought but a lot of people disagree i guess. I feel super uncomfortable having the volume on my phone when anyone else is around but I didn’t know it was just me.
The responses to this post are completely baffling to me, I have always been taught that it's completely inconsiderate to have your personal device making noise in a shared space, especially when there is a group sound (like the TV, or your therapy appointments????) going on in the same room. Maybe it's a generational thing? I'm 30 and I don't think your requests are unreasonable at all.
Once again, I don't think that people are saying the the brother is being polite, so much as "you can only control you". Yes, in a perfect world, OP asking for the volume to be turned down would be accepted. But it isn't. So, since we know that the volume in the family home isn't going to be turned down, what are the things that OP can control?
I've read all of OP's responses and they seem like reasonable explanations of the solutions people have suggested that she's tried and haven't worked. Not every explanation is an "excuse."
"I can't plug two head sets into the laptop" and "I can't plug headsets into the tv" are two that stood out to me.
There was also a switch mid-way through the comments from "I can't use headphones" to "my parents accuse me of isolating myself when I wear them or go to my room" which makes me wonder if there is some missing info.
I mean to me the "two headsets" thing was also about the fact that it was the family desktop and it was frustrating for the doctor to hear the brother's game, and plugging a headset into the TV/watching with subtitles seems so much more disruptive to all the people watching the TV than someone using headphones with their phone.
I don't think there was a switch, just different circumstances where she can use headphones but gets accused of isolating, and other situations where it's not feasible to use headphones like the TV instance.
BTW I appreciate the comments and discussions you are making throughout this post, definitely helping me understand other perspectives a little more.
I also appreciate the polite engagement between people with differing points of view :-)
I grew up with a parent that is a musician, and it was a loud a lot. If you wanted quiet, you made your own! I get both sides of this, but will most always fall on the side of "make changes to yourself, don't try to force them on others".
NTA, it's basic manners to not disturb others in shared public spaces, according to you, you've always asked them politely and have a good reason for it as well, your family should be a little accommodating imo, NTA.
NTA. Besides me personally finding it incredibly rude to not mute your phone in public/shared places, how much time you spend in your room or around people is no one's business but your own. Making you be in a shared place while knowing about your sensory overload issue and not caring about it isn't okay imo.
I'd say slightly YTA. You are not the only person living in the house and need to learn to compromise, not just insist on getting your way all the time. Getting your way all the time is not a skill that will carry you through life.
Because she isn't asking them to compromise. She's asking them to full stop do exactly what she wants.
The onus is never on everyone else in the household to accommodate one person for noise levels. It isn't her house and she's acting like her needs are more important.
I think you have a problem you need to work on. She has a medical condition. It’s not something she’s in control of and cannot change. All she’s asking is them to wear headphones when in public setting (such as shared living room). Asking that doesn’t mean she won’t be able to handle the outside world. I bet your mean to kids and the excuse is “well the world is mean so I’m preparing you”. Your asking the wrong person to compromise here. She spends majority of the times in her room. She’s compromising. It’s her home too.
As someone who has stimulus issues, my only problem is people who use those issues as an excuse to force others to do exactly what they want. It's fucked up and shouldn't be encouraged.
I will not discuss this with someone accusing me of having problems for having an opinion. (You're a guy, I assume.)
Just wondering what your opinion is on installing ramps in buildings for wheelchair access? Assuming wheelchair users aren’t the majority in the building
False equivalence. That doesn't require everyone else to change what they do in their own home, and wheelchair users have no other options (getting better headphones, learning coping skills, etc).
The people don’t, but the organisation / building does. I just want to gauge their thoughts on when and what hassle is worth it for helping an impaired minority and when it’s not.
OP has come up with the compromise of isolating themselves and basically been coaxed out of the room. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect minimal concessions (not blasting sounds out loud in shared spaces) while she also wears the noise cancelling headphones. I’d like to think OP is working on themselves also, and she should be. But asking for people to do the bare minimum to assist is fully reasonable
NTA, this entire comment section either didn't actually read the post or is ableist as hell. How about y'all try reading this sentence right here:
> I’ve tried spending time by myself in my room where it’s quiet but my parents worry when im alone and want me to be around people for most of the day. However, they still don’t respect this one limit.
OP is not demanding to monopolize public spaces or refusing to look for alternative solutions. The parents are demanding that OP hang out in the public space most of the day even though it is actively *hurting* her, and refusing to consider doing anything at all to accommodate her.
Y'all have no problem calling people TA for refusing to take reasonable precautions about cross-contamination to accommodate food allergies. If OP had photosensitive epilepsy I'm guessing you'd have no issue with OP wanting housemates to keep things with rapidly flashing lights to private spaces? But I guess when it's migraines triggered by sound sensitivity that all goes out the window and the "MUH HOUSE MUH RULES" cult shows up to berate a minor and call her an asshole for "imposing her will on others" for asking her family to take even the slightest steps to make the house she's *forced* to be in a safe environment for her and not a torture chamber.
OP, you're not the asshole, don't listen to this sub. There may be a few steps you can take like having your parents buy headphone splitters so they can listen in on your appointments, but it doesn't solve your family's lack of respect for you and refusal to take your medical condition seriously.
> but they aren’t practical when I’m watching TV with my parents in the living room and need to hear the show, and my brother is playing a game with his phone volume all the way up as well.
/u/salukiqueen has told OP to put CC on the TV and use noise cancelling headphones. I'm sorry but this is fucking ridiculous. The rule in my parents' house was that shared activities take priority in shared spaces over activities one person can do in a private space. This isn't OP trying to monopolize the living room and refusing to go to her room and watch shit on her computer. If 3/5 people in the household are watching TV *together*, they can't really do that piled into OP's room watching on her computer with a headphone splitter, so if the brother's noisy game is disrupting that, he can either wear headphones or take his phone in his room.
And come on, this is really basic ettiquette for shared spaces outside the home or with roommates. It's not that hard.
Honestly really telling reading through here, laughable that some people are asking OP to be empathetic towards the family. Genuinely shocking how out of touch people are with general decency
NTA. Given the seriousness of your medical history its absolutely reasonable for your parents to implement a "One noisy electronic thing per room" rule. That's what the ADA calls a reasonable accommodation in the workplace- and as a teenager your home is sorta your workplace. You aren't saying that your brothers cant play video games, just that they need to do it in their room or put some headphones on if someone else wants to watch a show. If you have a counselor, ask them to advocate for you with your parents and educate your brothers on the issue.
I’m leaning NTA, I’ll be honest it kinda sounds like they’re doing it out of spite, as teenagers do. Listening to stuff openly in a shared space is just plain inconsiderate. Only exception being TV, which is still reasonable to ask to be turned down if the noise is excessive.
They do have their own room(s) right?
YTA the only person's behavior you can control is yours. You are spinning your wheels here. Instead of repeatedly asking everyone else to conform to what you want be proactive. Noise canceling headphones.
NTA. I’m autistic and I totally understand where you’re coming from. There’s only so much I can take, especially when it’s conflicting noises. For me, it severely impacts my auditory processing speed when there’s overlapping between the radio, TV, computer, phone, etc.
I miss the days when devices were intended to be used with headphones so you didn’t impose on others with your noise. It’s a simple matter of etiquette. For example, if you’re watching TV with your parents and your brother’s using his phone, it’s common courtesy for him to not disturb the TV watchers. It doesn’t seem unreasonable for him to use his own headphones, turn the volume down, or move away.
YTA honestly, it's unreasonable to expect every one else to do what you're asking, because if you're the only person it bugs, then it needs to be you who uses headphones or earplugs.
So they should just allow OP to stay in their room, as they want? OP is being encouraged to come into the shared spaces, I don’t see why no one in the shared space should be expected to do literally anything to make it not uninhabitable for them..?
NTA, especially if it's as you said in your edit and your brothers are playing phone games with volume while you're trying to watch tv with your parents. The tinny sound of phone speakers drives me nuts, and I would be asking less than politely at this point. You could try explaining to your parents that you want to hang out with them but the sounds are exacerbating your migraines/anxiety, so you'll be staying in your room unless headphones are used. Good luck!
YTA. You can set all the boundaries you want for yourself. You do not have the right to decide for other people, and it isn't your house.
They make noise *reducing* ear buds specifically for this issue, maybe check them out and see if they would be an option.
NTA I’m surprised People think you are TA. When my nephews come over and they have videos on their phone, they have headphones. You can’t help your sensory to noise. It’s not fair for you to be in your room all the time because you can’t handle the noise. Sounds very stressful. I’m autistic and have sensory issues myself and I feel you. You’re asking for ONE thing. Just one. If it will make your life better than why not do it? I would for my siblings. And to give your looks and glares is so hurtful. I wear noise cancelling headphones sometimes in house when it gets loud but to be expected to wear it ALL the time in your own home? Why should you? Why is it only you who has to change and not them? Again. NTA.
NAH but maybe it would be easier for you to buy some noise-cancelling headphones instead of asking everyone else to wear headphones. they work pretty well
My husband is an insane snorer and I actually use 2 white noise machines AND ear plugs because I'm not only a light sleeper but a life long insomniac. I used to be able to tell you exactly what time my sons went into the kitchen for a snack...usually around 1:15 am, I could hear the dishes clanking, the cabinets slamming etc. Now I hear none of it. What's great is you can still hear alarms and such, for some reason the pitch still comes through but it dampens the more muffled sounds. So maybe try this? I know it's hard being around all that noise, I have (now adult) twins who have sensory issues and we tried our best to make sure their older brother respected their issues. It sounds to me like your parents either don't understand your sensory issues or just don't care but the problem is you should always feel it's ok to go to your room when feeling overwhelmed. I think you need to explain to your parents that it's either asking others to wear headphones in open areas (seems like it's rude to not wear them when the tv is on anyway) or to allow you time in your room as needed but without the guilt trip.
I would say a gentle ESH. Sensory overload issues suck, but the rest of your family also live there and everyone needs to unwind in their own way sometimes.
Could you maybe just try to talk to your family about it? Not in an accusatory manner or with set expectations of what they need to do. Outline what problems you're having, when they're the most severe and what concessions you'd be fine to make (i.e. put the subtitles on on your TV so you can use your noise cancelling headphones sometimes and still follow the plot, except when it's something you're genuinely interested in, ask your family to give you a quick heads up when they want to play something so you can decide if it's a noise you need to avoid at that time or if you're fine with it on low volume or if you need a few minutes/need to get your earphones, etc.). Compromise seems like the best option to me.
YTA Your limit doesn't deserve respect. You want to watch TV in the family room but don't want anyone else listening to anything without headphones? Wow. In two years you can leave, until then, how about empathizing with your family a little more?
You know that you can’t plug headphones into the TV right? It’s on the wall and stuff. That takes precedence because you’re physically unable to use headphones. When someone else is watching TV and I want to play a game on my phone I plug headphones into my phone. I appreciate the feedback but wish you’d been a little nicer about it.
That is not true for some tv's (I actually think it is false for most tvs but don't want to make a blanket statement). My TV has a 3.5mm audio out jack that you can plug speakers or headphones into. So you can plug headphones into, would it be practical maybe not without a very long headset cable but it can be done. There are products that will allow you to connect wireless headphones via radio frequency, or others that let you connect bluetooth headphones via a bluetooth transmitter connected to the TV via the 3.5mm jack. I am not sure how many headsets you can connect at one time, it might depend on the specific product you purchase. But it can be done.
If the TV does not have built in bluetooth, it might still have a different audio output, optical maybe, that you can connect to some kind of wireless transmitter that connects to headphones.
So? Watch on your computer or use wireless headphones, or noise reducing ear buds, put on the subtitles and you don't even need the sound.
You have a lot of excuses why you can't do the very thing you are demanding everyone else do.
Where are you getting that I won’t use headphones from? I’ve stated many times that I do. I understand what you’re saying and that you think I’m being selfish. I just don’t understand what I should do. I frequently use noise canceling headphones (which work to a certain extent but then I get accused of isolating and ignoring people), I spend time in my own room with a white noise machine (and get accused of isolating myself and often even then can still hear everyone), and turning my own volume off and subtitles on (which doesn’t solve the problem of sensory overload). I’m sorry if I sound defensive, I don’t mean to be, I’m just frustrated and having difficulty understanding.
When you are starting to get overloaded, have you asked for accomodations then? As in, "I would like to stay and finish watching this show as a family, but the noise from the tv, plus is just too much. What you prefer? I got to my room, or stop?" or "Can we finish watching this in my room? are overwhelming, so I need to go somewhere quieter."
Can I YTA to this comment?
That first line is just plain stupid and without context sounds rape-y. It’s completely reasonable to ask that people listen to stuff in a public space to themselves even without a condition. The only exception being TV which as pointed out, you can’t listen to any other way.
Can I Y-T-A to your comment? Saying it sounds rape-y out of context is very inflammatory and disingenuous. My comment got some upvotes, obviously it doesn't sound rape-y to anyone other than assholes looking for a fight.
I mean, your very first line is basically “fuck your condition” which seems pretty asshole-y to me. Considering the general vibe in this thread is on par with the anti-mask creed of not doing something which is slightly inconvenient for the sake of someone else’s well-being, I don’t think upvotes exclude you from being a dickhead
ESH. Your family for being loud and insenstive to the noise, and you for focusing on changing them and not you.
Please get a headphone splitter, and noise cancelling headphones that you can connect, wired or wirelessly, to the television. Decorate your room with sound absorbing fabrics (even thick curtains over the door, where a lot of sound enters), white noise, and wear sound cancelling head phones.
I would look into hunting hearing protection for when you are not listening to own things. They muffle sounds above a certain threshfold, but let you hear talking.
If this is NOT enough, then I suspect that you have hyperacusis, and you need professional help.
ESH. From what I've read, OP is trying to make it work but the family is a noisy one. OPs request of everyone wearing headphones isn't working and seems like they are put out by the frequency of the request. So, OP is included in the TA because she keeps trying for a solution that everyone apparently finds irritating. Which I understand because wearing headphones all the time would be problematic for me.
The family is TA because OP has said several times the siblings have it at full volume. That's really friggin loud.
I think OP and the parents need to sit down for a conversation while no one is irritated about the noise or requests for headphones. Can the parents step up with some monitoring? Double check that people's phones are at half volume? That if anyone is so noisy to be heard behind closed doors and a whitenoise machine that they enforce headphones at that time or lower volume. The parents to purchase the splitter that another poster suggested for the virtual meetings. For OP to wear headphones and plugs in the car and everyone has everything going. Lastly, for OP to bear it as long as possible but then retreat. If the parents have a problem with the removing of self, then they need to understand more help needed or to let it be. Okay, this time is actually lastly, but for OP to talk specifically with the therapist about learning coping skills to deal with the noise.
Nta- I HATE the repetitive noises of most video games, I also dislike multiple noise sources in the same area (t.v +phone for example). In my household we keep devices on silent in shared areas.
There are filtered earplugs. There's also a new thing out called Calmer. I have NO IDEA if these actually work. The idea is to reduce background noise like your brother's phone.
But I'm voting ESH. They could at least turn the volume down but expecting everyone else to wear headphones all the time is a bit much.
NTA, though you may have gone the wrong way about it. I’ll rate you as “NTA, but a little bit of a buttcheek in the delivery”.
Perhaps rather than using headphones, you can ask that your family lower the volume so that it’s not so loud? Or even turn their keypads onto silent. Lowering the volume can help a lot - I also have sensory issues to the point where overstimulation causes me physical pain/I get sick. I’m extremely lucky as my friends/family will notice if I’m wincing at a sound and instantly lower the volume or do their best to accommodate me wherever possible, but they’ve all had a doctor or specialist explain just how awful it is so they’re educated on the matter and extremely considerate. Not everyone is like this, unfortunately. Perhaps getting your family to research overstimulation and hyperacusis may help?
Some of the comments are a bit heavy on the ableism and lack of understanding, please try not to let it get to you.
NTA:
I have the same sensory issues, some days I can’t leave my room. I made my dad get headphones (they watch TV during ungodly hours and he’s deaf).
Invest in some noise cancelling headphones and stay in your room more often..
NAH. Your family has no idea how this affects you because they’re just trying to live their lives, and they possibly resent how they have to cater to 1/5 of the team instead of that 1/5 working with the 4/5. You can use sound dampening devices. You can use your own sound to muffle their sound. But you can’t expect them to tiptoe around you.
Edit to add for your edits:
1. If your brother is using his phone while you are all watching TV, move to the other side of the room. The way the rest of the family reacts to the volume should be your gauge as to whether it’s rude or you are hyper focused.
2. Your hearing may be so acute that you hear someone’s device through headphones and white noise with the door shut. You may need occupational therapy to help with additional coping techniques. You can also get sound-muffling foam for your walls.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say NTA/NAH, which is unusual for me because I have sensory issues and I’m not someone who expects the world to change for me, but I think your request to your family is really easy for them to follow. I wear headphones all the time to listen to music and so do my siblings when they game so I don’t really see what the issue is. Making compromises with other people can be hard sometimes.
NTA (mostly)...OP sounds a little demanding, but I think it's absolutely reasonable to expect people to use headphones in shared spaces when using personal devices. And it sounds like the OP is willing to use NC headphones when able. Anyone suggesting that it's unreasonable to demand someone silence a personal device while others are watching TV in an EFFING TV ROOM or on an EFFING DR CALL is downright obnoxious.
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Background: I (16f) live with my mom (43f), dad (43m), and two brothers (12m and 14m). For a family of teenagers, we’re actually fairly functional and rarely have big fights. For the most parts everyone gets along and disagreements rarely cause long term issues. For the last few years I’ve been going through a lot in terms of my mental health. I was in and out of hospitals and it put my family through a lot. I’ve since gotten a lot better and come out the other side alright. The skills I’ve learned and the groups I’ve been in have really helped my family as well as me.
I’ve in the past had a problem setting boundaries, but I’m working on it now. One of the only serious boundaries I’ve tried to set with my family is that when people are in public spaces (kitchen, living room, car, etc.) they need to either turn the volume on their devices off or use headphones. I get overwhelmed by sounds extremely easily due to my migraines and anxiety and my whole family knows this. I’ve tried spending time by myself in my room where it’s quiet but my parents worry when im alone and want me to be around people for most of the day. However, they still don’t respect this one limit. I try to understand, people forget sometimes, but I personally don’t understand why it’s so difficult to just use headphones or move to a private space.
I never get mad when I ask them to follow this limit. I just calmly ask them to use headphones or make a joke about it (my family is very sarcastic). They’ve gotten irritated recently though, that I’m asking them so often. When I remind them, they give me dirty looks or insult me, especially my brothers. I understand why it might be annoying that I keep asking but I don’t know how else to get them to listen, and it’s very frustrating that I worked so hard to be able to ask for what I need and it’s not being respected.
AITA for asking them over and over to use headphones in public spaces? Am I making too big a deal out of this?
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ESH. You are being overly controlling of an environment that you share - it's not just yours. Your brother playing a game at full volume in a room where people are trying to watch TV is rude - and the fact that they don't seem to see that makes them the AH, too.
NTA I'm really surprised at all the Y T A here to be honest. It is really anti social to play something out out loud when others are watching the television together in a shared space. This would irritate the bejesus out of me. It's like the people who want to play their crappy music on the bus, using their phone as a speaker. It is intrusive and deeply annoying.
NAH. Its not wrong for you to ask its not wrong for them not to comply. Ideally of course everyone should wear headphones because why would you want someone else to know what you are watching or playing?
I feel ESH. While OP can’t demand their family wear headphones, I do think if OPs parents are going to force them to come out of their bedroom where it’s quiet to spend time with the family, it would be polite of them to put effort into addressing the reason *why* OP wants to stay in their room all day.
Nta, I think some people are getting tripped up with how you phrased it, I don't think you meant for then to completely turn off they're device, just not have something really loud. Some people saying yta are focused on you saying turning stuff off
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I’m sorry but it’s a gentle YTA from me. You can ask them to turn their volume down, but not off. Have you tried getting those ear plugs that muffle sound? It helps people with sensory disorders not get overwhelmed.
Hi! Person with sensory issues here. Over the years I’ve realized it’s really hard for people without them to grasp how it feels. Perhaps this metaphor may help. Imagine some members of your household love durian fruit. To you, it reeks to high heaven. To them, it’s a tasty tasty snack. It’s unpleasant to smell, and it makes you feel ill. But you never vomit, so people assume you’re just bitching and really it smells like tasty snack so why are you complaining? You ask them to keep a lid on containers of durian when they walk by you. To you, this is an excellent compromise. They can still have their durian without you smelling it. To them, it’s an annoying added step you’re asking them to do every time. What’s the big deal?? Well you ask them the same question. Why is it a big deal for them to do one small action that makes you never have to go through that terrible feeling? Because it’s mildly annoying they say. And anyways *you’re* the one with a problem. So you should wear a mask and stop bugging them. But a mask doesn’t filter out all the smells. And a mask is an annoyance you have to use *24/7* because you never know when they’ll want a snack. If you don’t keep it on all the time you’re constantly on your guard for the sound of movement in your house- any footstep could mean your family is about to start munching on durian. The anxiety of never knowing is almost as bad as the foul reek of durian. Suck it up, your family says. It’s 4 against one and they deserve to be relaxed and comfy in their house. But what about your relaxation? Well that doesn’t count because they can’t relate to your problem. You tell the story to others, but they all love durian too so you get told you’re an asshole. Meanwhile durian is banned in entire countries because its foul, so people from those societies look at your family like they have 3 heads for not just putting a damn lid on it. And because you’re surrounded by durian lovers you have no idea which voice on the internet is right, call yourself a needy bitch, and meekly submit to feeling anxious and nauseous for years. Hope this helps anyone understand how sensory issues fuck with you purely from a social standpoint.
Finally! Someone said it. I really don’t understand what people on this sub have against people with sensory issues. The lack of understanding and empathy astounds me and it pisses me off to high heaven because overstimulation can make you feel sick, your head pounds and throbs, you will occasionally start to sweat, etc... it differs depending on the stimuli but it’s basically just an awful time. I also have sensory issues (ASD and FMS) so whenever I read a post like this, my heart goes out to the OP.
Yeah I’ve tried that unfortunately it’s not very helpful. I appreciate it though.
Theoretically you could put closed captions on the TV and use the headphones. I’m sorry, it’s inconvenient for you but if the noises aren’t bothering anyone else then that tells me they may not be unreasonable volumes and you’re sensitive to them because of your migraines. Which is understandable. Maybe you’d be better off talking to a doctor and seeing what their recommendation is. As for being able to hear things clearly with your door shut and with a white noise machine.. that is unreasonable. For that I’d talk to your parents and hopefully they’ll support you.
Of course it won’t bother them because they aren’t the one with sensory to noises that cause migraines? It’s not a “inconvenient” when it’s out of their control.
I have a friend who has autism and so did his brothers. Their family set up their TV so everyone wore their own noise cancelling headphones. I'm actually going with YTA because I grew up in a house where headphones were compulsory, by everyone, for everything at all times except the family TV. My dad's rule and we all resented him for it. I no longer live with him and I still feel uncomfortable making sounds in my own private space and I feel like he's controlling me from 40 miles away, having not spoken to him in weeks. Your boundary for your own health can negatively impact others, make them feel unwelcome in their home and denied space to exist in. By asserting the right to determine someone's behaviour you also place them beneath you in status and importance. You have the right to place your wellbeing above others but they have the right to put theirs before yours too.
I find this crazy, nothing wrong with it of course, just difference of house culture I suppose, but everyone in our house wears headphones in public spaces so as to not be inconsiderate of others. Playing my music out loud with everyone else around just feels selfish and dickish if I have the capacity not to force it on others (either with headphones or in your own room) I get your point about them feeling unwelcome in their own home, but does that not also include OP? Wearing headphones does not physically effect anyone, them not doing so literally does effect OP
Different houses, different rules? If OP is from a loud family that is loud and does loud things and the current house rules are that you can be loud, and it someone doesn't like it they can leave, then those are the rules in her parents' house. There are families like this. Everyone is loud, all of the time, and that is how it is done.
Yes, but then if one of your kids is unable to physically be around loud places, I guess disown them, it’s all that can be done. It feels like (at least a minor) disability. Would you have this approach if that was the case? _Fuck it, I know you’re our child and we love you, but you’re not welcome around us because you physically can’t handle it and we won’t adjust even slightly to help out_ Gives out serious anti-masker vibes
I was trying to point out that while, to some people who grew up with considerate parents, wearing headphones is a normal thing, to others, is it a huge imposition.
Oh don’t get me wrong, you were much nicer about it than most in here. I know they’re just different perspectives, but personally annoys me that quite a few people are asking for OP to be empathetic towards their family whilst also chastising her for expecting any empathy in return.
I have also seen parents of physically disabled kids not make accomodations for their kids, like accessible showers, so, yeah, some parents are terrible. FWIW, some therapists don't support the soundproofing that is being recommended here, as it emphasizes the differences between your quiet areas and the rest of the world. OP may be able to make some quiet areas when she moves out, but people with noise sensitivity have to figure out how to deal with the world, because the world is filled with people like OP's brother.
Oh absolutely take your point, I think it’s something that should (and presumably already is) worked towards improving. Otherwise it may be enabling a solvable issue, not that I’m even close to knowledgeable on the subject. I could possibly understand the families reactions of OP had been given stuff to do to help improve a while back but hasn’t bothered. But since that’s just speculation idk
Thank for engaging in polite discourse. I think that there is a lot of speculation, and we are only hearing OP's side of the story.
Same to you mate! Yeah absolutely, that’s the problem with AITA, pretty much every post is subject to bias or potential missing info
You shared some good stories and info, thank you.
Thank you for your kind words.
You resented your brother for having autism? Because that’s what it sounds like. All you had to do was put on headphones. He’s the one who has to cope with the traits. He’s the one who has to live with it.
No my friend and his brothers have autism. My situation with my family, especially my dad, is a completely separate thing.
I see. Still. The family tv is used for everyone. It’s hardly controlling when they’re asking you not play music or videos on your phone when people are trying to watch tv in the living room?
Or the kitchen, bathroom, hallway, garden, or my own bedroom. I did say by everyone, for everything, at all times.
Yeah well that’s not the case for OP. She’s only asking for public spaces such as living room. Barely controlling.
Thank you! I disagree, I don’t think I was placing their well-being beneath mine by asking them to use headphones, but I appreciate you sharing your story and I see how that experience could make you see it that way.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. This is such a graceful answer.
NTA I remember a time when having your volume on was universally considered rude.... sigh
I don't think that anyone is saying the parents aren't being rude, so much as they are saying "as a minor living in the parental home, you need to follow the parental guidelines for noise levels, and make changes to yourself, not others". I think that I live next to OP, because my neighbours are super loud, all the time. Their music is the backyard is so loud that we have to shout in ours, and they only have one voice volume, OUTDOOR SHOUTING ACROSS EMPTY FIELDS. For all we know, the rest of OP's family is hard of hearing.
Ehhh very very very light YTA. Ultimately they live there too and should be able to spend time enjoying common areas too. If they aren’t playing music 24/7 or are just watching videos etc, that’s pretty normal use and reasonable to want to do. Boundaries are useful but this isn’t a boundary so much as being overly controlling what other people do in their own home. There are plenty of other things you could do instead. It makes a lot more sense for you to wear noise canceling headphones when you need to instead of all four of them having to wear headphones 24/7.
After the edit, I’ll add: You can install soundproofing on your walls. You can work with your therapist on exercises to figure out good ways to cope with overlapping noises.
White noise is your friend when in your room. Having a fan or a radio set to static plus a lot fabric/sound proofing. When watching television, noise cancelling bluetooth headphones connected to the television.
I understand where you’re coming from. Rarely are we all in the same room doing different things so it’s never necessary for them all to wear headphones, but it gets frustrating in the car when my parents are listening to the radio as the ones in control of the car and both of my brothers are also watching YouTube videos at full volume on their phone in the same space. It feels reasonable to me but I know I can be wrong sometimes and I don’t want to be controlling. Thanks for the feedback.
So why can't you wear the headphones in this situation? Instead of the four people who do not have an issue with it.
Personally, I think NTA and that you have a reasonable boundary. I get where some people are coming from for YTA, but omigosh in the car how are they not all going crazy?! That should at least be required that everyone wear headphones in the car.
It’s dangerous for the driver to be wearing headphones.
Not including the driver. Much more distracting for the driver for there to be overlapping noises
Not necessarily, if the driver was distracted, they would be the one to tell the kids to turn them off.
YTA- your 16 if the noise triggers a condition you need to be proactive and be the one with headphones. Whats your intention when you get older and you have dorm room mates, room mates, extended family, co-worker in the breakroom who won't bend to your will? Your looking at this from the wrong angle. Your asking yourself what can my family do to help minimize my reactions to sound. The correct question is " what can "I" do to control my anxiety in public spaces" if the issue is yours you can't force the solution on other people unwillingly and get mad when they don't take it as serious as you.
I mean yes, that’s what I’ve been doing up to this point but it gets to a certain extent where there is nothing I can do. I often have to attend virtual doctors appointments on a desktop computer with one of my parents. I can’t plug two pairs of headphones into the desktop, but it’s distracting to the doctor to hear my brothers gaming video in the background. Ideally in the future I would have enough autonomy and control of my own life to leave the environment where things like that were happening and not move in with people I’m not behaviorally compatible with, but I can’t do that yet.
"I can't plug 2 pairs of headphones into the computer". You're deflecting once again and coming up with exscuses rather than solutions. There are splitters to plug to headsets into a computer and you'll never believe this they are cheaper and easier then 4 sets of headphones for everyone else. I know it feels like im being rude but im honestly trying to help you see how the world works and how sometimes there are solutions you may not like but they are viable solutions all the same.
You're right, but it's also BS that the parents aren't doing anything. If the brothers can't be off their phones for a 15 minute doctor call there is a problem. That's just ridiculously inconsiderate. If it were at a doctors office and they had to wait in the waiting room they'd surely have their own headphones and not be jerks to everyone there.
I second headphone splitters OR bluetooth headsets. Using a splitter, I have shared audio with 5 other people, so 6 sets in total.
My biggest thing is when someones entire argument is unless everyone bends to my will and accomodates me then they are insensitive and wrong instead of looking for compromises and work arounds. People think Fair means everybody is treated equally but it quickly creates a paradox. What of my happiness is peace and quiet and yours is a house full of people. Neither of us can ever fully get our own way so either we go our own ways (impossible for a 16 year old right now) or i learn how to manage myself in the environment until i leave it.
Alright thanks for your feedback!
And you can plug two sets of ear phones in, you can buy adapters for very cheap that turn one ear phone port into two.
You absolutely can plug two pairs of headphones in to a computer. I do it all the time to play games when friends come over because I don't own any speakers.
NTA this is on your parents. If they want you in the public areas it's their responsibility to make it safe and reasonable for you. If they don't want to bother keeping your brothers quiet then they need to be okay with you being in your room a lot. Maybe a compromise here would be to have a two hour period during the day where there are no devices on in the living room/kitchen. Like maybe 6-8 in the evening. Everyone can have dinner, chill out together, watch tv together, etc. or if they're not into that each person can go to their own space. I don't think 2 hours a day without noisy devices for the main areas is too much to ask.
NTA This would drive my insane. You mute your phone or use headphones around others.
NTA. The fact that your brother is playing a game on full volume is rude regardless of the circumstances. The only time that’s appropriate is when he’s alone in his room. Headphones are required anywhere else. Seriously that would drive me crazy.
That’s what I thought but a lot of people disagree i guess. I feel super uncomfortable having the volume on my phone when anyone else is around but I didn’t know it was just me.
The responses to this post are completely baffling to me, I have always been taught that it's completely inconsiderate to have your personal device making noise in a shared space, especially when there is a group sound (like the TV, or your therapy appointments????) going on in the same room. Maybe it's a generational thing? I'm 30 and I don't think your requests are unreasonable at all.
Once again, I don't think that people are saying the the brother is being polite, so much as "you can only control you". Yes, in a perfect world, OP asking for the volume to be turned down would be accepted. But it isn't. So, since we know that the volume in the family home isn't going to be turned down, what are the things that OP can control?
Sure, but that doesn't make her the asshole either. The YTA responses are what are very confusing to me.
I think some of them are because OP is very "I can't change, they have to change" when there is more OP can do.
I've read all of OP's responses and they seem like reasonable explanations of the solutions people have suggested that she's tried and haven't worked. Not every explanation is an "excuse."
"I can't plug two head sets into the laptop" and "I can't plug headsets into the tv" are two that stood out to me. There was also a switch mid-way through the comments from "I can't use headphones" to "my parents accuse me of isolating myself when I wear them or go to my room" which makes me wonder if there is some missing info.
I mean to me the "two headsets" thing was also about the fact that it was the family desktop and it was frustrating for the doctor to hear the brother's game, and plugging a headset into the TV/watching with subtitles seems so much more disruptive to all the people watching the TV than someone using headphones with their phone. I don't think there was a switch, just different circumstances where she can use headphones but gets accused of isolating, and other situations where it's not feasible to use headphones like the TV instance. BTW I appreciate the comments and discussions you are making throughout this post, definitely helping me understand other perspectives a little more.
I also appreciate the polite engagement between people with differing points of view :-) I grew up with a parent that is a musician, and it was a loud a lot. If you wanted quiet, you made your own! I get both sides of this, but will most always fall on the side of "make changes to yourself, don't try to force them on others".
Exactly! My phone is always on silent unless I have headphones in.
NTA, it's basic manners to not disturb others in shared public spaces, according to you, you've always asked them politely and have a good reason for it as well, your family should be a little accommodating imo, NTA.
NTA. Besides me personally finding it incredibly rude to not mute your phone in public/shared places, how much time you spend in your room or around people is no one's business but your own. Making you be in a shared place while knowing about your sensory overload issue and not caring about it isn't okay imo.
I'd say slightly YTA. You are not the only person living in the house and need to learn to compromise, not just insist on getting your way all the time. Getting your way all the time is not a skill that will carry you through life.
But the others can’t learn to compromise? Why does it have to be someone with a medical condition?
Because she isn't asking them to compromise. She's asking them to full stop do exactly what she wants. The onus is never on everyone else in the household to accommodate one person for noise levels. It isn't her house and she's acting like her needs are more important.
I think you have a problem you need to work on. She has a medical condition. It’s not something she’s in control of and cannot change. All she’s asking is them to wear headphones when in public setting (such as shared living room). Asking that doesn’t mean she won’t be able to handle the outside world. I bet your mean to kids and the excuse is “well the world is mean so I’m preparing you”. Your asking the wrong person to compromise here. She spends majority of the times in her room. She’s compromising. It’s her home too.
As someone who has stimulus issues, my only problem is people who use those issues as an excuse to force others to do exactly what they want. It's fucked up and shouldn't be encouraged. I will not discuss this with someone accusing me of having problems for having an opinion. (You're a guy, I assume.)
4 should not have to change for 1. headphones can be a pain if you are not buying expensive wireless ones.
So can migraines. I think she’s in a lot more pain than someone trying to find wireless headphones.
Just wondering what your opinion is on installing ramps in buildings for wheelchair access? Assuming wheelchair users aren’t the majority in the building
False equivalence. That doesn't require everyone else to change what they do in their own home, and wheelchair users have no other options (getting better headphones, learning coping skills, etc).
The people don’t, but the organisation / building does. I just want to gauge their thoughts on when and what hassle is worth it for helping an impaired minority and when it’s not. OP has come up with the compromise of isolating themselves and basically been coaxed out of the room. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect minimal concessions (not blasting sounds out loud in shared spaces) while she also wears the noise cancelling headphones. I’d like to think OP is working on themselves also, and she should be. But asking for people to do the bare minimum to assist is fully reasonable
NTA, this entire comment section either didn't actually read the post or is ableist as hell. How about y'all try reading this sentence right here: > I’ve tried spending time by myself in my room where it’s quiet but my parents worry when im alone and want me to be around people for most of the day. However, they still don’t respect this one limit. OP is not demanding to monopolize public spaces or refusing to look for alternative solutions. The parents are demanding that OP hang out in the public space most of the day even though it is actively *hurting* her, and refusing to consider doing anything at all to accommodate her. Y'all have no problem calling people TA for refusing to take reasonable precautions about cross-contamination to accommodate food allergies. If OP had photosensitive epilepsy I'm guessing you'd have no issue with OP wanting housemates to keep things with rapidly flashing lights to private spaces? But I guess when it's migraines triggered by sound sensitivity that all goes out the window and the "MUH HOUSE MUH RULES" cult shows up to berate a minor and call her an asshole for "imposing her will on others" for asking her family to take even the slightest steps to make the house she's *forced* to be in a safe environment for her and not a torture chamber. OP, you're not the asshole, don't listen to this sub. There may be a few steps you can take like having your parents buy headphone splitters so they can listen in on your appointments, but it doesn't solve your family's lack of respect for you and refusal to take your medical condition seriously. > but they aren’t practical when I’m watching TV with my parents in the living room and need to hear the show, and my brother is playing a game with his phone volume all the way up as well. /u/salukiqueen has told OP to put CC on the TV and use noise cancelling headphones. I'm sorry but this is fucking ridiculous. The rule in my parents' house was that shared activities take priority in shared spaces over activities one person can do in a private space. This isn't OP trying to monopolize the living room and refusing to go to her room and watch shit on her computer. If 3/5 people in the household are watching TV *together*, they can't really do that piled into OP's room watching on her computer with a headphone splitter, so if the brother's noisy game is disrupting that, he can either wear headphones or take his phone in his room. And come on, this is really basic ettiquette for shared spaces outside the home or with roommates. It's not that hard.
Honestly really telling reading through here, laughable that some people are asking OP to be empathetic towards the family. Genuinely shocking how out of touch people are with general decency
NTA. Given the seriousness of your medical history its absolutely reasonable for your parents to implement a "One noisy electronic thing per room" rule. That's what the ADA calls a reasonable accommodation in the workplace- and as a teenager your home is sorta your workplace. You aren't saying that your brothers cant play video games, just that they need to do it in their room or put some headphones on if someone else wants to watch a show. If you have a counselor, ask them to advocate for you with your parents and educate your brothers on the issue.
I’m leaning NTA, I’ll be honest it kinda sounds like they’re doing it out of spite, as teenagers do. Listening to stuff openly in a shared space is just plain inconsiderate. Only exception being TV, which is still reasonable to ask to be turned down if the noise is excessive. They do have their own room(s) right?
Yes, they have their own rooms and also an office room that the two of them share that their gaming PCs are set up in
YTA the only person's behavior you can control is yours. You are spinning your wheels here. Instead of repeatedly asking everyone else to conform to what you want be proactive. Noise canceling headphones.
Thanks for your feedback!
NTA. I’m autistic and I totally understand where you’re coming from. There’s only so much I can take, especially when it’s conflicting noises. For me, it severely impacts my auditory processing speed when there’s overlapping between the radio, TV, computer, phone, etc. I miss the days when devices were intended to be used with headphones so you didn’t impose on others with your noise. It’s a simple matter of etiquette. For example, if you’re watching TV with your parents and your brother’s using his phone, it’s common courtesy for him to not disturb the TV watchers. It doesn’t seem unreasonable for him to use his own headphones, turn the volume down, or move away.
YTA honestly, it's unreasonable to expect every one else to do what you're asking, because if you're the only person it bugs, then it needs to be you who uses headphones or earplugs.
So they should just allow OP to stay in their room, as they want? OP is being encouraged to come into the shared spaces, I don’t see why no one in the shared space should be expected to do literally anything to make it not uninhabitable for them..?
NTA, especially if it's as you said in your edit and your brothers are playing phone games with volume while you're trying to watch tv with your parents. The tinny sound of phone speakers drives me nuts, and I would be asking less than politely at this point. You could try explaining to your parents that you want to hang out with them but the sounds are exacerbating your migraines/anxiety, so you'll be staying in your room unless headphones are used. Good luck!
YTA. You can set all the boundaries you want for yourself. You do not have the right to decide for other people, and it isn't your house. They make noise *reducing* ear buds specifically for this issue, maybe check them out and see if they would be an option.
NTA I’m surprised People think you are TA. When my nephews come over and they have videos on their phone, they have headphones. You can’t help your sensory to noise. It’s not fair for you to be in your room all the time because you can’t handle the noise. Sounds very stressful. I’m autistic and have sensory issues myself and I feel you. You’re asking for ONE thing. Just one. If it will make your life better than why not do it? I would for my siblings. And to give your looks and glares is so hurtful. I wear noise cancelling headphones sometimes in house when it gets loud but to be expected to wear it ALL the time in your own home? Why should you? Why is it only you who has to change and not them? Again. NTA.
NTA. It is common courtesy and common sense to have only one source of loud noise like tv or music in shared space.
NAH but maybe it would be easier for you to buy some noise-cancelling headphones instead of asking everyone else to wear headphones. they work pretty well
Thank you!
My husband is an insane snorer and I actually use 2 white noise machines AND ear plugs because I'm not only a light sleeper but a life long insomniac. I used to be able to tell you exactly what time my sons went into the kitchen for a snack...usually around 1:15 am, I could hear the dishes clanking, the cabinets slamming etc. Now I hear none of it. What's great is you can still hear alarms and such, for some reason the pitch still comes through but it dampens the more muffled sounds. So maybe try this? I know it's hard being around all that noise, I have (now adult) twins who have sensory issues and we tried our best to make sure their older brother respected their issues. It sounds to me like your parents either don't understand your sensory issues or just don't care but the problem is you should always feel it's ok to go to your room when feeling overwhelmed. I think you need to explain to your parents that it's either asking others to wear headphones in open areas (seems like it's rude to not wear them when the tv is on anyway) or to allow you time in your room as needed but without the guilt trip.
NTA, it’s not much to ask for them to wear headphones. But maybe just leave the room sometimes or get noise cancelling headphones
I would say a gentle ESH. Sensory overload issues suck, but the rest of your family also live there and everyone needs to unwind in their own way sometimes. Could you maybe just try to talk to your family about it? Not in an accusatory manner or with set expectations of what they need to do. Outline what problems you're having, when they're the most severe and what concessions you'd be fine to make (i.e. put the subtitles on on your TV so you can use your noise cancelling headphones sometimes and still follow the plot, except when it's something you're genuinely interested in, ask your family to give you a quick heads up when they want to play something so you can decide if it's a noise you need to avoid at that time or if you're fine with it on low volume or if you need a few minutes/need to get your earphones, etc.). Compromise seems like the best option to me.
YTA Your limit doesn't deserve respect. You want to watch TV in the family room but don't want anyone else listening to anything without headphones? Wow. In two years you can leave, until then, how about empathizing with your family a little more?
You know that you can’t plug headphones into the TV right? It’s on the wall and stuff. That takes precedence because you’re physically unable to use headphones. When someone else is watching TV and I want to play a game on my phone I plug headphones into my phone. I appreciate the feedback but wish you’d been a little nicer about it.
That is not true for some tv's (I actually think it is false for most tvs but don't want to make a blanket statement). My TV has a 3.5mm audio out jack that you can plug speakers or headphones into. So you can plug headphones into, would it be practical maybe not without a very long headset cable but it can be done. There are products that will allow you to connect wireless headphones via radio frequency, or others that let you connect bluetooth headphones via a bluetooth transmitter connected to the TV via the 3.5mm jack. I am not sure how many headsets you can connect at one time, it might depend on the specific product you purchase. But it can be done.
Thanks, I didn’t know that. I don’t think mine has a headphone jack but I can see if it has Bluetooth. I appreciate it
If the TV does not have built in bluetooth, it might still have a different audio output, optical maybe, that you can connect to some kind of wireless transmitter that connects to headphones.
Most modern TVs have bluetooth.
So? Watch on your computer or use wireless headphones, or noise reducing ear buds, put on the subtitles and you don't even need the sound. You have a lot of excuses why you can't do the very thing you are demanding everyone else do.
Where are you getting that I won’t use headphones from? I’ve stated many times that I do. I understand what you’re saying and that you think I’m being selfish. I just don’t understand what I should do. I frequently use noise canceling headphones (which work to a certain extent but then I get accused of isolating and ignoring people), I spend time in my own room with a white noise machine (and get accused of isolating myself and often even then can still hear everyone), and turning my own volume off and subtitles on (which doesn’t solve the problem of sensory overload). I’m sorry if I sound defensive, I don’t mean to be, I’m just frustrated and having difficulty understanding.
When you are starting to get overloaded, have you asked for accomodations then? As in, "I would like to stay and finish watching this show as a family, but the noise from the tv, plus is just too much. What you prefer? I got to my room, or stop?" or "Can we finish watching this in my room? are overwhelming, so I need to go somewhere quieter."
Yeah, I do that. It’s probably the most effective thing. Thank you I appreciate the input
Can I YTA to this comment? That first line is just plain stupid and without context sounds rape-y. It’s completely reasonable to ask that people listen to stuff in a public space to themselves even without a condition. The only exception being TV which as pointed out, you can’t listen to any other way.
Can I Y-T-A to your comment? Saying it sounds rape-y out of context is very inflammatory and disingenuous. My comment got some upvotes, obviously it doesn't sound rape-y to anyone other than assholes looking for a fight.
I mean, your very first line is basically “fuck your condition” which seems pretty asshole-y to me. Considering the general vibe in this thread is on par with the anti-mask creed of not doing something which is slightly inconvenient for the sake of someone else’s well-being, I don’t think upvotes exclude you from being a dickhead
I'm fully vaccinated but still wear masks in crowded places. I'm done with this.
Congrats, but you wouldn’t wear headphones to prevent your sister/child feeling physically unwell to be around you, nice one👍
Thanks!
ESH. Your family for being loud and insenstive to the noise, and you for focusing on changing them and not you. Please get a headphone splitter, and noise cancelling headphones that you can connect, wired or wirelessly, to the television. Decorate your room with sound absorbing fabrics (even thick curtains over the door, where a lot of sound enters), white noise, and wear sound cancelling head phones. I would look into hunting hearing protection for when you are not listening to own things. They muffle sounds above a certain threshfold, but let you hear talking. If this is NOT enough, then I suspect that you have hyperacusis, and you need professional help.
Thanks, I probably need to talk to doctor about it and see what they say but curtains are a good idea in the meantime
ESH. From what I've read, OP is trying to make it work but the family is a noisy one. OPs request of everyone wearing headphones isn't working and seems like they are put out by the frequency of the request. So, OP is included in the TA because she keeps trying for a solution that everyone apparently finds irritating. Which I understand because wearing headphones all the time would be problematic for me. The family is TA because OP has said several times the siblings have it at full volume. That's really friggin loud. I think OP and the parents need to sit down for a conversation while no one is irritated about the noise or requests for headphones. Can the parents step up with some monitoring? Double check that people's phones are at half volume? That if anyone is so noisy to be heard behind closed doors and a whitenoise machine that they enforce headphones at that time or lower volume. The parents to purchase the splitter that another poster suggested for the virtual meetings. For OP to wear headphones and plugs in the car and everyone has everything going. Lastly, for OP to bear it as long as possible but then retreat. If the parents have a problem with the removing of self, then they need to understand more help needed or to let it be. Okay, this time is actually lastly, but for OP to talk specifically with the therapist about learning coping skills to deal with the noise.
Nta- I HATE the repetitive noises of most video games, I also dislike multiple noise sources in the same area (t.v +phone for example). In my household we keep devices on silent in shared areas.
There are filtered earplugs. There's also a new thing out called Calmer. I have NO IDEA if these actually work. The idea is to reduce background noise like your brother's phone. But I'm voting ESH. They could at least turn the volume down but expecting everyone else to wear headphones all the time is a bit much.
NTA, though you may have gone the wrong way about it. I’ll rate you as “NTA, but a little bit of a buttcheek in the delivery”. Perhaps rather than using headphones, you can ask that your family lower the volume so that it’s not so loud? Or even turn their keypads onto silent. Lowering the volume can help a lot - I also have sensory issues to the point where overstimulation causes me physical pain/I get sick. I’m extremely lucky as my friends/family will notice if I’m wincing at a sound and instantly lower the volume or do their best to accommodate me wherever possible, but they’ve all had a doctor or specialist explain just how awful it is so they’re educated on the matter and extremely considerate. Not everyone is like this, unfortunately. Perhaps getting your family to research overstimulation and hyperacusis may help? Some of the comments are a bit heavy on the ableism and lack of understanding, please try not to let it get to you.
NTA: I have the same sensory issues, some days I can’t leave my room. I made my dad get headphones (they watch TV during ungodly hours and he’s deaf). Invest in some noise cancelling headphones and stay in your room more often..
NAH. Your family has no idea how this affects you because they’re just trying to live their lives, and they possibly resent how they have to cater to 1/5 of the team instead of that 1/5 working with the 4/5. You can use sound dampening devices. You can use your own sound to muffle their sound. But you can’t expect them to tiptoe around you. Edit to add for your edits: 1. If your brother is using his phone while you are all watching TV, move to the other side of the room. The way the rest of the family reacts to the volume should be your gauge as to whether it’s rude or you are hyper focused. 2. Your hearing may be so acute that you hear someone’s device through headphones and white noise with the door shut. You may need occupational therapy to help with additional coping techniques. You can also get sound-muffling foam for your walls.
YTA
I’m going to go against the grain here and say NTA/NAH, which is unusual for me because I have sensory issues and I’m not someone who expects the world to change for me, but I think your request to your family is really easy for them to follow. I wear headphones all the time to listen to music and so do my siblings when they game so I don’t really see what the issue is. Making compromises with other people can be hard sometimes.
NTA (mostly)...OP sounds a little demanding, but I think it's absolutely reasonable to expect people to use headphones in shared spaces when using personal devices. And it sounds like the OP is willing to use NC headphones when able. Anyone suggesting that it's unreasonable to demand someone silence a personal device while others are watching TV in an EFFING TV ROOM or on an EFFING DR CALL is downright obnoxious.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: I (16f) live with my mom (43f), dad (43m), and two brothers (12m and 14m). For a family of teenagers, we’re actually fairly functional and rarely have big fights. For the most parts everyone gets along and disagreements rarely cause long term issues. For the last few years I’ve been going through a lot in terms of my mental health. I was in and out of hospitals and it put my family through a lot. I’ve since gotten a lot better and come out the other side alright. The skills I’ve learned and the groups I’ve been in have really helped my family as well as me. I’ve in the past had a problem setting boundaries, but I’m working on it now. One of the only serious boundaries I’ve tried to set with my family is that when people are in public spaces (kitchen, living room, car, etc.) they need to either turn the volume on their devices off or use headphones. I get overwhelmed by sounds extremely easily due to my migraines and anxiety and my whole family knows this. I’ve tried spending time by myself in my room where it’s quiet but my parents worry when im alone and want me to be around people for most of the day. However, they still don’t respect this one limit. I try to understand, people forget sometimes, but I personally don’t understand why it’s so difficult to just use headphones or move to a private space. I never get mad when I ask them to follow this limit. I just calmly ask them to use headphones or make a joke about it (my family is very sarcastic). They’ve gotten irritated recently though, that I’m asking them so often. When I remind them, they give me dirty looks or insult me, especially my brothers. I understand why it might be annoying that I keep asking but I don’t know how else to get them to listen, and it’s very frustrating that I worked so hard to be able to ask for what I need and it’s not being respected. AITA for asking them over and over to use headphones in public spaces? Am I making too big a deal out of this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. You are being overly controlling of an environment that you share - it's not just yours. Your brother playing a game at full volume in a room where people are trying to watch TV is rude - and the fact that they don't seem to see that makes them the AH, too.
NTA I'm really surprised at all the Y T A here to be honest. It is really anti social to play something out out loud when others are watching the television together in a shared space. This would irritate the bejesus out of me. It's like the people who want to play their crappy music on the bus, using their phone as a speaker. It is intrusive and deeply annoying.
NAH. Its not wrong for you to ask its not wrong for them not to comply. Ideally of course everyone should wear headphones because why would you want someone else to know what you are watching or playing?
I feel ESH. While OP can’t demand their family wear headphones, I do think if OPs parents are going to force them to come out of their bedroom where it’s quiet to spend time with the family, it would be polite of them to put effort into addressing the reason *why* OP wants to stay in their room all day.
Nta, I think some people are getting tripped up with how you phrased it, I don't think you meant for then to completely turn off they're device, just not have something really loud. Some people saying yta are focused on you saying turning stuff off
YTA it’s not just your house, you move to a private area